A promise 00:00:01.98\00:00:03.48 to love 00:00:03.68\00:00:06.14 in good times 00:00:06.74\00:00:07.89 and bad 00:00:07.99\00:00:10.84 for richer 00:00:12.04\00:00:14.10 or poorer 00:00:14.70\00:00:16.58 forsaking all others 00:00:17.48\00:00:18.88 as long as 00:00:19.68\00:00:21.06 you both shall live 00:00:21.26\00:00:24.48 Marriage In God's Hands 00:00:25.08\00:00:27.95 Marriage Heart to Heart with Tom and Alane Waters 00:00:28.15\00:00:31.61 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart! 00:00:32.20\00:00:34.84 We're Tom and Alane Waters with Restoration International. 00:00:35.37\00:00:38.94 And we're going to be continuing today to talk about principles 00:00:38.97\00:00:42.75 that will make a vital difference in our marriages. We want you to experience a 00:00:42.84\00:00:48.23 marriage that's heart to heart. 00:00:48.26\00:00:50.19 So today we hope you brought a paper and pencil so that you can 00:00:50.22\00:00:54.10 take notes. because we're going to be talking about a very important topic: Two "me"-s or 00:00:54.13\00:01:00.37 one "us". Well, you may remember, last time we were talking about the fatal cycle, 00:01:00.40\00:01:05.50 and how that affected us in in our marriage. 00:01:05.53\00:01:09.29 And it was very difficult and it was painful for a period of 00:01:09.32\00:01:13.26 time. And you remember that, dear. You remember what actually lead us into that fatal cycle 00:01:13.29\00:01:19.28 and how we began to recognize it. 00:01:19.31\00:01:21.93 Oh, yes. The "me"-s in both of us were very big. 00:01:21.96\00:01:26.51 When two people are in a marriage and they both have the 00:01:26.54\00:01:31.05 "me focus", that self focus, that looks for what you do for me and how you affect me, 00:01:31.08\00:01:37.89 if we're both in the "me focus", we can't have a marriage that's 00:01:37.92\00:01:43.49 heart to heart. So we're gonna be talking about how we moved from the "me focus" to the "us 00:01:43.52\00:01:49.48 focus". There are two distinct people in a marriage. And we come from different backgrounds, 00:01:49.51\00:01:54.93 different personalities, we have our own idiosyncrasies, 00:01:54.96\00:01:59.83 we have our own educational backgrounds and many things that affect us individually. 00:01:59.86\00:02:05.13 And we have to find what those things are in us and in each other and we must learn 00:02:05.16\00:02:10.25 to blend them so that we can truly have a marriage heart to 00:02:10.28\00:02:13.70 heart. Otherwise what we end up with is the strong "me" in myself and the strong "me" in 00:02:13.73\00:02:20.84 you, and we often then find conflict. 00:02:20.87\00:02:24.09 Let's talk about what God's word says about the two "me"-s 00:02:24.12\00:02:28.63 and how that moves to the "us". 00:02:28.66\00:02:30.80 It'd be great, if you have your Bibles, you can open with us to Matthew the 19. chapter, 00:02:30.83\00:02:35.85 and we're gonna be looking there at verses 5 and 6. These are very familiar verses. 00:02:35.88\00:02:40.62 "For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: 00:02:40.65\00:02:47.90 and they twain shall be one flesh." And then verse 6 says: 00:02:47.93\00:02:52.54 "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined 00:02:52.57\00:02:58.85 together, let not man put asunder." 00:02:58.88\00:03:03.97 So that word "cleave", that's an interesting word. 00:03:04.34\00:03:07.57 - Strong word. 00:03:07.60\00:03:08.57 Very strong. It means that we're gonna be glued together. I mean, 00:03:08.58\00:03:12.90 I think of magnets that attract each other, kind of stuck. And when they're together, 00:03:12.93\00:03:16.42 they're hard to pull apart. That's that cleaving that God wants to help us to develop, 00:03:16.45\00:03:21.18 but when we are in the me focus, there's no adhesive to that glue 00:03:21.21\00:03:28.03 or the magnets are almost in reverse, where they repel each 00:03:28.06\00:03:30.89 other. And that's what we found happened in our relationship; 00:03:30.92\00:03:33.61 when I was focused on what I wanted, and everything in the marriage only focused on me, 00:03:33.64\00:03:39.64 or when you were focused on what you wanted and what you thought 00:03:39.67\00:03:44.08 needed to be done, or how you wanted things to happen, then we found that those two me-s 00:03:44.11\00:03:50.43 clashed and they actually repelled each other instead of drawing each other closer 00:03:50.86\00:03:54.71 together. Yes. You know, many people think that when that verse is read: "let no man put 00:03:54.74\00:04:01.51 asunder", people often think that's something outside. Some outside force, that's there. 00:04:01.54\00:04:07.83 And it is often an outside force that comes in, but many times it's right within the marriage. 00:04:07.86\00:04:14.19 It can be my selfishness, that's repelling and pushing you away. 00:04:14.22\00:04:19.17 So when we talk about: let no man separate, then we have to look at the two in the marriage. 00:04:19.20\00:04:25.50 That's right, because those outside forces that want to come in are the ones that 00:04:25.53\00:04:30.52 affect us, it's our choice how we deal with those outside 00:04:30.55\00:04:35.29 forces and if I choose to stay in the me focus, those outside forces only strengthen us 00:04:35.32\00:04:43.78 pulling apart. But if I choose to think on what is best for us, how is this going to affect us, 00:04:43.81\00:04:48.94 what would you like, how should I consider what you want in this 00:04:48.97\00:04:53.80 situation, then that will draw us together and the outside 00:04:53.83\00:04:56.78 forces aren't going to be influencing us, they're not gonna be separating us. 00:04:56.81\00:05:01.07 So the real issue is how you and I choose to deal in the marriage 00:05:01.10\00:05:05.99 with those outside forces. 00:05:06.02\00:05:07.66 That's right. Many times, we would go to town... Town days for us are very busy, 00:05:07.69\00:05:16.10 we live up in the mountains of Montana and actually we don't like to go to the city 00:05:16.13\00:05:21.94 any more than we have to, we love our little haven up there, 00:05:21.97\00:05:24.83 but when we go to town, it's a busy day, isn't it? 00:05:24.86\00:05:26.91 - Always. 00:05:26.94\00:05:28.01 And so, quite often, I will take things along, and I'll be 00:05:28.04\00:05:34.44 efficient. And I remember that one day that we were together, and you went to Super One, to 00:05:34.47\00:05:39.23 the grocery store, and I was ready to go into my normal 00:05:39.26\00:05:44.87 routine, that is I've got my correspondence that I need to 00:05:44.90\00:05:48.01 write, and I've got things I need to read, and you had gone into the store, and there I was 00:05:48.04\00:05:54.17 sitting quietly, and the Lord called to my heart and prompted me, that I needed to go in, 00:05:54.20\00:06:01.51 and spend time with you of all places, in the grocery store. 00:06:01.54\00:06:06.34 Now, you didn't know this was going on, of course, but I responded to that after I did 00:06:06.37\00:06:10.65 a little bit of negotiating with the Lord, and you know, many times, friends, that's what 00:06:10.68\00:06:15.09 happens. The Lord is prompting us to a better way and we want to negotiate with the Lord, 00:06:15.12\00:06:20.33 we want to reason it away. 00:06:20.36\00:06:22.38 Well, I opened my heart there to the Lord, 00:06:22.41\00:06:25.51 and I got up and I went in, and met you in the store; that was a little bit surprising, wasn't 00:06:25.54\00:06:32.48 it? I was not expecting you, I was there in the produce section, and you came up 00:06:32.51\00:06:36.89 behind me and greeted me, and I could just feel by the atmosphere around you, 00:06:36.92\00:06:43.99 that you wanted to be with me. It wasn't that you were there because you had to, 00:06:44.02\00:06:48.09 or you're there, because I asked you to be there, you were there, 00:06:48.12\00:06:52.33 because you wanted to be with me, and I saw the difference 00:06:52.36\00:06:55.53 immediately. And it was really great, I mean, you've been with me in the store at other times 00:06:55.56\00:06:59.45 I'd asked you to come with me, or sometimes you'll say: Oh, I 00:06:59.48\00:07:02.88 will go with you. But it's more of an efficiency. I'll get this and you do that, and 00:07:02.91\00:07:07.29 you know... This was truly a heartwarming experience. 00:07:07.32\00:07:11.82 I find that just being with you, for me is exciting; so for me, 00:07:12.02\00:07:20.47 it's not a death of self -shall I say- to go into the Hardware store with you, or to go into 00:07:20.51\00:07:27.68 the automotive store with you... I just like being around you. 00:07:27.71\00:07:30.67 Well, I like being around with you, too, but the problem is 00:07:30.70\00:07:33.33 that I also want to be efficient all the time, 00:07:33.36\00:07:35.48 and this is what God was trying to teach me this day, 00:07:35.51\00:07:38.43 you see, He wanted me to move out of the me focus, which in 00:07:38.46\00:07:42.71 this case is: just getting the things done that I think are so 00:07:42.74\00:07:47.10 necessary, and God's efficiency is often very different, than 00:07:47.13\00:07:52.49 our efficiency. What God was trying to show me that day is that He knows the need of my 00:07:52.52\00:07:56.29 wife. He knows what's in her heart. And He was calling to me 00:07:56.32\00:08:00.63 to reach out, to move away from my focus, to move into the us 00:08:00.66\00:08:05.10 focus. And you know, I realized that day in that little 00:08:05.13\00:08:09.66 situation, that God's efficiency is much better than my 00:08:09.69\00:08:16.20 efficiency. And you know, really, when we're talking about 00:08:16.23\00:08:19.20 God's efficiency, we're talking about: not my will, but Thy will 00:08:19.23\00:08:23.44 be done. And that's when God can really work in our hearts to bring us from the me focus 00:08:23.47\00:08:28.25 to the us focus. 00:08:28.28\00:08:30.00 That's right. He's the one who instituted marriage in the first place and He's the one who 00:08:30.03\00:08:35.21 wants to teach us as husbands and wives how to live together in happiness and harmony. 00:08:35.24\00:08:41.40 - Amen! 00:08:41.43\00:08:42.40 And so He's always (and that's an absolute word) sending little thoughts to us if we will start 00:08:42.41\00:08:49.68 tuning our minds into Him, of ways that we can turn from the me to the us focus in our 00:08:49.71\00:08:55.63 marriage. So your strengths are not my strengths and your weaknesses aren't my 00:08:55.66\00:09:00.91 weaknesses, because we're very different. But God wants to work 00:09:00.95\00:09:05.38 with us in our individual personalities, and He wants to change the me in both of us to 00:09:05.41\00:09:11.26 focus on the us that we can have that happiness in our marriage. 00:09:11.29\00:09:14.65 So for me it's no problem going in with you to any store; for me, the Lord calls to my 00:09:14.68\00:09:19.78 weakness in dealing with my thoughts. Am I gonna let them start going down that wrong 00:09:19.81\00:09:23.68 channel? And this for women, is one of our greatest weaknesses 00:09:23.71\00:09:30.49 in a gender sense, is that we often start letting our minds go down the wrong channel, we start 00:09:30.52\00:09:35.44 having negative thinking, and that thinking will be deadly to 00:09:35.47\00:09:40.91 a marriage. We have to be willing to address our thoughts, we have to be willing to let 00:09:40.94\00:09:45.22 Christ change our thinking and start thinking not about just me 00:09:45.25\00:09:50.64 and how I feel, or what he's doing that doesn't please me, or what he's not doing that doesn't 00:09:50.67\00:09:54.49 please me, but we have to start thinking what is best for us, how can I be different to make 00:09:54.52\00:10:00.29 our marriage better. 00:10:00.32\00:10:02.02 You know, I think it's important that the people understand what 00:10:02.40\00:10:06.52 this me focus really is. When I'm in the me focus, 00:10:06.55\00:10:11.47 when I'm really just thinking about how you effect me, 00:10:11.50\00:10:16.78 what you're saying, what you're doing, that me focus doesn't 00:10:16.81\00:10:23.80 take into account your needs as my wife, your needs as my sweetheart, your needs as the 00:10:23.83\00:10:30.64 us, that's what the Bible verse talked about there, that the two 00:10:30.67\00:10:35.15 shall become one. It's not that we have to think alike, that we loose our individuality, 00:10:35.18\00:10:40.04 it's that we are blended together; that's the us focus. 00:10:40.07\00:10:44.43 And so, whenever I'm concerned about how you're affecting me, and what I want you to do... 00:10:44.46\00:10:49.23 You know, I used to think -and I didn't realize I thought this way-, but I used to think 00:10:49.26\00:10:53.54 that if I could just get my wife to do everything I wanted her to 00:10:53.57\00:10:58.55 do, to do it my way, then I would be happy. 00:10:58.58\00:11:01.22 - I tried. 00:11:01.25\00:11:02.94 And that's really the me focus, and we'll never find true 00:11:03.20\00:11:09.21 happiness there. We have found the true happiness in a marriage that's heart to heart, as we've 00:11:09.24\00:11:14.22 come to understand the us focus. 00:11:14.25\00:11:16.70 So we want to talk about two areas today that will help us move from the me focus 00:11:16.73\00:11:22.55 to the us focus. 00:11:22.58\00:11:24.50 The first one: Be determined! Now, there's a word of action! 00:11:24.53\00:11:29.72 - Very strong word! 00:11:29.75\00:11:30.86 It is, and it's good. A word of determination. Be determined to be all that is possible to be 00:11:30.89\00:11:39.31 for the other person. You see immediately in this, it's not be determined to get my way, 00:11:39.34\00:11:46.63 it's not be determined to make my wife do what I want her to do, the focus here is: 00:11:46.66\00:11:53.03 be determined to be all that I can be for her sake. 00:11:53.06\00:11:59.14 That's quite a big emphasis change, 00:11:59.17\00:12:02.81 it's the benefit for you, for us, not get my way. 00:12:02.84\00:12:10.06 When we recognized that and we began to challenge ourselves with this first point 00:12:10.09\00:12:15.32 here: be determined to be all that I could be for us or for 00:12:15.35\00:12:21.00 you, it started turning our marriage around, 00:12:21.03\00:12:22.87 - That's right. 00:12:22.90\00:12:23.87 because I wasn't focusing on myself anymore the way I used 00:12:23.88\00:12:27.65 to, -and I'm still subject to doing that as you know, from 00:12:27.68\00:12:31.35 time to time-, but the Lord will call to our hearts and that's the exciting thing about the God 00:12:31.38\00:12:35.82 that we serve: He, more than anyone, wants to help us to keep that marriage heart to heart. 00:12:35.85\00:12:41.10 And so being determined to be all I can be for you, that crosses my mind many times in a 00:12:41.13\00:12:46.92 day, and it changes the focus that I have, and even the little duties, the every day duties in 00:12:46.95\00:12:53.89 the home that a wife has, the responsibility of the home upkeep, and the day-to-day 00:12:53.92\00:12:59.12 things, and taking care of the children...; when I have you in my thoughts, it makes 00:12:59.15\00:13:04.66 my work more joyful. If I'm just thinking about myself sitting at home and doing all these 00:13:04.69\00:13:09.51 things, well, sometimes I can loose the joy in that. 00:13:09.54\00:13:13.38 So, what I've noticed is, when you are in the us focus, 00:13:13.41\00:13:18.61 you're always very expressive of appreciation for me. 00:13:18.64\00:13:22.80 One of the things... -and that's a wonderful benefit- 00:13:22.83\00:13:26.09 - I think it comes spontaneously, doesn't it? 00:13:26.12\00:13:27.93 - Yes. 00:13:27.96\00:13:28.93 - Because we're not really thinking about ourselves. 00:13:28.94\00:13:30.58 - And the beauty of it is that when we're in that kind of a 00:13:30.61\00:13:36.49 focus, - and this is the amazing thing to the selfish heart-, when I am really focused on the 00:13:36.52\00:13:42.66 benefit of looking to my wife for how I can be a blessing to 00:13:42.69\00:13:47.71 her, it's amazing that I find much more happiness in that 00:13:47.74\00:13:52.18 myself. That's how God's economy works. 00:13:52.21\00:13:54.39 And one of the things that I've really been appreciative of is how you take care of 00:13:54.42\00:13:58.32 yourself, when nobody else is around. 00:13:58.35\00:14:01.44 You know, a lot of women, they dress up great for church, and they look good when they 00:14:01.47\00:14:06.68 go out shopping, and... Who are they trying to impress? 00:14:06.71\00:14:09.82 You look great at home, not that you're in your church clothes, but I really appreciate that. 00:14:09.85\00:14:13.82 And what that tells me is you're just thinking of me, you want to make our home a happy place, 00:14:13.85\00:14:19.55 and I tell you, I love to come home to you. 00:14:19.58\00:14:21.54 Well, I know you do, you don't even like to leave, and that's 00:14:21.57\00:14:25.37 even better. But I have that in my heart. I wanna be everything 00:14:25.40\00:14:30.41 I can be for you, and the thing I've really appreciated in you is the honesty that you have. 00:14:30.44\00:14:37.30 When things don't always go smooth, just trying to be everything you can be, 00:14:37.33\00:14:42.62 being determined, gives you an honesty of heart that you can say: Honey, I'm sorry that 00:14:42.65\00:14:48.75 I did this, or I'm sorry that I said that, and I can honestly see you growing and seeking 00:14:48.78\00:14:54.82 the Lord and looking to better our marriage. 00:14:54.85\00:14:59.04 And to me that's the exciting thing about being determined to be all we can be for each other. 00:14:59.07\00:15:05.14 Well, it has certainly made an impact in our marriage and 00:15:05.17\00:15:09.06 continues to, and it's nice to be able to say, as a result of moving from the me focus to the 00:15:09.09\00:15:14.83 us focus, there's nobody in the world that I'd rather be with, 00:15:14.86\00:15:20.88 than you! - And I know that! 00:15:20.91\00:15:23.14 Well, we're going to take a break now, and when we come back, we're gonna be talking 00:15:23.17\00:15:26.95 about point nr.2: How we can advance the happiness of each 00:15:26.98\00:15:32.07 other. Stay with us! 00:15:32.10\00:15:33.23 There are many "How to?" books available, but there's one 00:15:38.89\00:15:42.38 that's free and perfect for every couple; how you can "Build a Better Marriage". 00:15:42.47\00:15:47.00 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a lighthearted, easy-to-read manner, 00:15:47.04\00:15:51.79 for those contemplating marriage, newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 00:15:51.83\00:15:56.28 and everyone in between. 00:15:56.31\00:15:58.21 Simply call or write for your free copy of this amazing little booklet, a handy little 00:15:58.25\00:16:03.13 tool to help build a better 00:16:03.16\00:16:05.86 marriage. Welcome back to Marriage Heart to Heart! 00:16:11.99\00:16:15.08 We're talking about the difference between two me-s and 00:16:15.11\00:16:19.51 one us. And our second point to develop that "us relationship" instead of having two me-s, 00:16:19.54\00:16:25.35 is that we will study to advance the happiness of each other. 00:16:25.38\00:16:30.24 That's a new thought, another thing that is calling upon us individually, right, dear? 00:16:30.27\00:16:35.64 - That's right. 00:16:35.67\00:16:36.69 Upon us individually that we have to do in order to make a marriage heart to heart. 00:16:36.72\00:16:41.59 I have to look for ways to advance the happiness for you. 00:16:41.62\00:16:45.94 And you know, when we were dating, it wasn't hard at all. 00:16:45.97\00:16:48.35 I could think of a lot of things that I would like to do just to 00:16:48.38\00:16:52.75 make you happy. And for many couples it's that way when 00:16:52.78\00:16:55.19 they're dating, and that's that way when they're engaged, but when they get married, somehow 00:16:55.22\00:16:59.11 the focus turns off the other person, or off of the us and on 00:16:59.14\00:17:03.69 to ourselves. So we have to consciously begin to study how I can make you happy. 00:17:03.72\00:17:08.42 - That's right. 00:17:08.45\00:17:09.42 And it's not really hard. 00:17:09.43\00:17:10.93 You know, the Bible talks about it in 1 Corinthians 13. 00:17:11.27\00:17:14.91 That is the love chapter and - everybody knows that's the love 00:17:14.94\00:17:19.31 chapter -, so... Lets look at a couple of things there. 00:17:19.34\00:17:22.52 It says that love is kind. Now that's pretty basic, isn't 00:17:22.55\00:17:27.61 it? Love is kind. We can be kind to a lot of different people: 00:17:27.64\00:17:31.87 we can be kind to the person at the grocery store, we can be 00:17:31.90\00:17:35.39 kind to the... - well, you know, we've seen people that are much more kind to their pets, and how 00:17:35.42\00:17:42.24 they talk to their pets, than how they talk to their own wife 00:17:42.27\00:17:47.00 or husband. So, love is kind. Can we not be kind to the one that we've said we'd love? 00:17:47.03\00:17:52.77 I think we should. 00:17:52.80\00:17:54.49 And love seeks not it's own. 00:17:54.52\00:17:59.48 There it is! It's not the me focus, it seeks not its own. 00:17:59.51\00:18:06.08 Somehow we think that if we can just make ourselves happy, seek 00:18:06.11\00:18:12.40 our own, what makes me feel good, oh, then I'll be happy! 00:18:12.43\00:18:15.89 But true love is only happy when it seeks the best good of the 00:18:15.92\00:18:21.17 other. That's right. And it's not just looking for things we can do for each other in the 00:18:21.20\00:18:26.50 day, but I think that word "study" has another application and that means really study, 00:18:26.53\00:18:31.85 look for things in the word of God that will help us to be a better wife or a better husband. 00:18:32.81\00:18:37.85 And the scriptures are full of beautiful stories of couples, of 00:18:37.88\00:18:43.36 marriages, and of how a proper love relationship works. 00:18:43.39\00:18:46.59 And I found for me that when I stopped reading books that were only causing me to be 00:18:46.62\00:18:53.54 discontent in our marriage because it was focused on what a woman needs to have 00:18:53.57\00:18:58.09 in a marriage. When I read those kind of books, and I wasn't 00:18:58.12\00:19:02.78 feeling like I was getting that, I became more and more discontent. But when I set those 00:19:02.81\00:19:06.31 books aside, and I began to study what God wanted me to be in our marriage, what He wanted 00:19:06.34\00:19:10.68 me to be for you, and I would challenge myself with the Proverbs 31 chapter. 00:19:10.71\00:19:16.67 It began to change my whole outlook in our marriage, and I 00:19:16.70\00:19:20.34 think I'd became a better wife for you. 00:19:20.37\00:19:22.10 - Oh, I've definitely benefited from that! 00:19:22.13\00:19:24.23 We both did. In my heart and you. And what did it do? 00:19:24.26\00:19:27.12 It drew us together as one. It had an us focus instead of me, 00:19:27.15\00:19:31.77 me, me. - Mhm. Well, it's interesting, because the Lord was putting the same kinds of 00:19:31.80\00:19:37.25 thoughts in my mind. You know, we need to talk about these things as husband and wife if 00:19:37.28\00:19:42.16 you've run out of things to communicate about in your marriage, this is a great 00:19:42.19\00:19:47.01 subject to communicate about. Lets talk about whether we're operating like two me-s 00:19:47.04\00:19:52.92 independent atoms; my focus, your focus, or lets see if we're allowing God to make 00:19:52.95\00:19:59.85 the two become one, and talk about the us focus. 00:19:59.88\00:20:03.54 I started doing the same thing. I started studying to look for 00:20:03.57\00:20:07.30 ways to advance your happiness. I started studying God's word and you know were I put my 00:20:07.33\00:20:12.40 focus, it was on becoming the man that God wanted me to be. 00:20:12.43\00:20:16.00 becoming a husband that God wanted me to be and the father, since we have our three children 00:20:16.03\00:20:21.70 to be the father that God wanted me to be and as I started 00:20:21.73\00:20:26.86 looking for ways to make you happy; and that wasn't like to indulge you in things, but to 00:20:26.89\00:20:33.85 really look to promote your happiness in the marriage. 00:20:33.93\00:20:36.58 It had a tremendous blessing in my own heart. 00:20:36.61\00:20:41.00 And this is what I wish people could understand: that really moving away from the me focus 00:20:41.03\00:20:47.01 is when we gain the greatest blessings, in the us focus 00:20:47.04\00:20:52.87 together. Well, then we like to share things together, we like 00:20:52.90\00:20:57.08 to be together, we like to talk, and we can talk about anything, and that's what that studying to 00:20:57.11\00:21:02.68 advance each other's happiness and drawing us together as one 00:21:02.71\00:21:06.36 has done. It has given us the opportunity, it's provided the framework - shall I say -, 00:21:06.39\00:21:11.50 that our communication is improved, everything about our relationship has grown, 00:21:11.53\00:21:17.86 so that we just want to do what pleases the other person, because in serving, 00:21:17.89\00:21:23.38 - can now we use that word "to serve" - in serving I find my 00:21:23.41\00:21:28.50 greatest joy; and that's really what Christ demonstrated. Our relationship as husband and wife 00:21:28.53\00:21:33.13 is to represent the relationship He has to us as His children, 00:21:33.16\00:21:37.00 as we, as a bride and a groom, as a husband and wife. And He 00:21:37.03\00:21:43.16 came to serve. And I believe, in our marriages if we looked to study to make the other one 00:21:43.19\00:21:48.47 happy, that means that we would serve them, and in that service we would find our greatest joy 00:21:48.50\00:21:53.21 and we would have the us focus. 00:21:53.24\00:21:56.43 Well I know it lead me to begin making time for you to 00:21:56.46\00:22:01.80 communicate and -you know- sometimes people think that that's just something a woman 00:22:01.83\00:22:06.96 really needs and maybe that is a more vocalized need, but I know 00:22:06.99\00:22:11.96 in our marriage we both needed that. And really, the devil didn't want us to have that kind 00:22:11.99\00:22:17.35 of meaningful communication. And we're gonna be talking about this in much greater depth in 00:22:17.38\00:22:22.47 some of our other programs. But that made a huge difference as we began to communicate, 00:22:22.50\00:22:27.51 as I began looking for ways to open communication. 00:22:27.54\00:22:31.53 And with that communication, really listening with the heart 00:22:31.56\00:22:37.50 to understand makes a big difference, doesn't it? 00:22:37.53\00:22:38.75 It makes a huge difference! It makes a huge difference to one who's hearing, and to the one 00:22:38.78\00:22:44.22 who's expressing, and it gives us the opportunity to really understand each other 00:22:44.25\00:22:53.21 from the heart. And that's what has made our marriage so 00:22:53.24\00:22:57.21 meaningful. There was a verse that really spoke to me and I 00:22:57.24\00:23:01.46 want to share it. Ephesians 5,28. It says: "So ought men to love their wives as their own 00:23:01.49\00:23:08.17 bodies." Isn't that an interesting thought? You know, I won't go into the whole thing 00:23:08.20\00:23:13.00 about bodybuilding and how men are with their bodies and stuff, 00:23:13.03\00:23:15.39 but obviously, the apostle Paul here understood something. He 00:23:15.42\00:23:19.65 said men ought to love their wives as they love their own 00:23:19.68\00:23:23.98 bodies. "He that loveth his wife loveth himself." 00:23:24.01\00:23:27.11 And oh, how true I found it to be. The more I have sought to advance your happiness in the 00:23:27.14\00:23:32.11 marriage, the more I've sought to love you in an unselfish way, 00:23:32.14\00:23:36.87 translating the selfishness - "I want! Give me what I want!" - as I have translated that 00:23:36.90\00:23:44.61 to an unselfish love for you, to promote your happiness, 00:23:44.64\00:23:48.12 it has actually done exactly what this verse says. 00:23:48.15\00:23:50.41 "He that loveth his wife, loveth himself." 00:23:50.44\00:23:54.51 Isn't it beautiful? 00:23:54.54\00:23:55.88 - It is beautiful. 00:23:55.91\00:23:58.01 We really want to help people understand that the me focus is 00:23:58.04\00:24:04.72 not bringing them this illusion of what they think they will have "if I can just get what I 00:24:04.75\00:24:10.57 want!" It's the us focus that's so meaningful and so much more fulfilling in marriage. 00:24:10.60\00:24:17.40 It is. And that's what we found. And maybe this would be a good 00:24:17.43\00:24:22.77 time to challenge you, out there, our listening audience 00:24:22.80\00:24:26.39 today, with the same things that we have been challenged with, ourselves, in our own marriage. 00:24:26.42\00:24:30.83 So lets look at those two areas and challenge ourselves today 00:24:30.86\00:24:35.56 - to move from the me focus to the us focus. 00:24:35.59\00:24:40.68 We need to be determined to be all that I can be for my 00:24:40.71\00:24:48.84 wife. Be determined to make a commitment! That means something, that it's worth 00:24:48.87\00:24:55.59 making a commitment to, and it is. You're worth every commitment that I make. 00:24:55.62\00:25:00.61 And that we will then study to advance the happiness of the 00:25:00.64\00:25:06.34 other person. Once we've made the commitment, now we're going to do what we need to do 00:25:06.37\00:25:10.11 to put our focus on really advancing the happiness of the 00:25:10.14\00:25:16.53 other person. And I want to be determined to be all I can be 00:25:16.56\00:25:22.35 for you. And each day as I make the commitment of my day, when I 00:25:22.38\00:25:27.05 start the day, it helps me to think before I speak. It helps me to think: "What I want to say 00:25:27.08\00:25:34.93 right now? How will that effect us?" instead of just saying 00:25:34.96\00:25:40.24 what's on my mind. And I don't always do that right. You remember last night I didn't do 00:25:40.27\00:25:45.27 it right. I said what came to my mind first, but even with that as soon as I recognized it, 00:25:45.30\00:25:50.72 I retracted it, because I saw that was all me and I wanted it 00:25:50.75\00:25:55.93 to be us. So I restated it and this is what's important. And I hope that you, listening today, 00:25:55.96\00:26:00.77 Won't be discouraged if you don't always do it right, 00:26:00.80\00:26:04.55 but when you hear yourself becoming in the me focus or speaking in the me focus, 00:26:04.58\00:26:10.92 that you will, as you hear it come out of your mouth even, and that you will say: O.K., 00:26:10.95\00:26:15.53 let me restate it, because I really want what's best for us. 00:26:15.56\00:26:19.29 That's right! They can't do it apart from Jesus Christ; not 00:26:19.32\00:26:26.15 with true success. We need to surrender ourselves to Christ and He will help us to move from 00:26:26.18\00:26:31.92 the me focus to the us focus. Why don't we close together in 00:26:31.95\00:26:37.57 prayer? Father in Heaven, what a blessing it is to be able to turn to You in all of our 00:26:37.81\00:26:42.97 selfishness wherever You find us, Lord, we want to turn to You 00:26:43.00\00:26:47.03 to move from the me focus to the us focus, that we might truly move away from two "me"-s in 00:26:47.06\00:26:56.04 this marriage to an "us", blended in Jesus Christ; in His name we pray. Amen. 00:26:56.07\00:27:05.79 Well, we've got something to look forward to next time we get 00:27:06.71\00:27:10.41 together: "An enduring commitment". Do you want to have an enduring commitment? 00:27:10.44\00:27:17.11 You know, it's one of the things that's missing in many- many 00:27:17.14\00:27:23.07 marriages today. An enduring commitment, one that is a lifetime commitment, with a 00:27:23.10\00:27:30.84 marriage - divorce rate being what it is today, it's tragic! 00:27:30.87\00:27:34.43 -; but if we want to have a marriage that's heart to heart, 00:27:34.46\00:27:37.92 we need a marriage union and a commitment that will endure for 00:27:37.95\00:27:45.68 a lifetime. We look forward to seeing you next time on Marriage 00:27:45.71\00:27:50.98 Heart to Heart. You to can have a marriage made in Heaven! 00:27:51.01\00:27:56.51 Closed Captioning by Christian Media Services http://chms.megadata.ro 00:28:22.82\00:28:29.49