Welcome to
Marriage Heart To Heart.
00:00:32.75\00:00:35.10
We're Tom and Alane Waters
with Restoration International.
00:00:35.13\00:00:38.70
And we want you to
experience a marriage that's
00:00:38.71\00:00:42.10
truly heart to heart;
00:00:42.11\00:00:43.80
heart to heart with
our heavenly Father,
00:00:43.83\00:00:46.48
and heart to heart
with the one you love.
00:00:46.51\00:00:49.73
So we hope that you
brought paper and pencil so that
00:00:50.13\00:00:52.86
you can take notes.
00:00:52.89\00:00:54.05
And if you didn't, we encourage
you to get that so that you can
00:00:54.08\00:00:57.53
remember more what you've
learned from today's program.
00:00:57.54\00:01:00.00
Today we're going to be talking
about learning to become one.
00:01:02.37\00:01:05.78
Now that wasn't necessarily
as easy as we thought it
00:01:06.79\00:01:09.30
was going to be, was it honey?
00:01:09.33\00:01:10.40
No, I thought it would
just happen spontaneously.
00:01:10.70\00:01:13.26
So we're going to be
sharing with you very openly
00:01:13.71\00:01:16.46
and honestly
how it began for us.
00:01:16.49\00:01:18.80
It began wonderfully,
but things started to happen
00:01:18.83\00:01:22.55
shortly after our honeymoon.
00:01:22.58\00:01:24.44
Yea, and I'd like to
take us back to our courtship.
00:01:25.14\00:01:27.77
And we encourage all of
you that are viewing today,
00:01:27.80\00:01:31.50
to also think about your
courtship and your wedding day
00:01:31.54\00:01:35.21
as we share with
you from our experience.
00:01:35.24\00:01:37.53
But our
courtship was so special.
00:01:37.56\00:01:40.02
I can remember any
time we had a few minutes,
00:01:40.05\00:01:43.67
we'd look for ways to
communicate with each other.
00:01:43.70\00:01:46.24
You know, when you were on
break from your responsibilities
00:01:46.27\00:01:49.34
in the hospital and I
would be in my apartment,
00:01:49.37\00:01:51.76
I would anticipate your
break time and anticipate that
00:01:51.79\00:01:55.00
phone call because I knew
that we loved to have every
00:01:55.03\00:01:58.27
moment together, even
if it was only by phone.
00:01:58.30\00:02:00.50
Oh yes, we never ran out of
things to talk about, did we?
00:02:00.72\00:02:03.59
No, all through our
courtship and engagement,
00:02:03.62\00:02:06.69
we just wanted
to have more time.
00:02:06.72\00:02:08.75
We weren't getting
enough time with each other and
00:02:08.78\00:02:10.48
we never ran out of
anything to talk about.
00:02:10.51\00:02:12.44
And it seemed to me
like we really didn't run
00:02:12.47\00:02:14.51
into any conflict.
00:02:14.54\00:02:16.02
We had a great time.
00:02:16.05\00:02:17.30
So let's talk
about our wedding day.
00:02:18.20\00:02:19.74
You know, that day
that we looked forward to
00:02:21.34\00:02:23.73
was such an
exhilarating adventure.
00:02:23.76\00:02:26.61
But I have to tell the people,
that day when I was standing
00:02:27.21\00:02:31.11
up there waiting for you
to come through those doors...
00:02:31.14\00:02:34.04
And go back with me
as we talk about this.
00:02:34.05\00:02:37.33
I don't know how it was for
you men, but you think about
00:02:37.36\00:02:40.31
what it was like
on that wedding day.
00:02:40.34\00:02:41.80
I was standing there in
my tuxedo and I remember
00:02:41.83\00:02:45.11
as you were back there, and
we were in a pretty big church,
00:02:45.81\00:02:49.33
and you were behind those
doors, and I knew my bride
00:02:49.36\00:02:52.25
was going to come
through those doors.
00:02:52.28\00:02:53.80
And that was exciting.
00:02:53.81\00:02:55.17
But I remember thinking,
"My heart is pounding so hard,
00:02:55.18\00:02:59.76
I wonder of these
people can see it. "
00:03:00.59\00:03:02.29
So I very discreetly
looked down at my tux jacket
00:03:02.32\00:03:06.21
to see if it was flopping
up and down, but it wasn't.
00:03:06.24\00:03:09.48
But I was anxious
and I was excited.
00:03:09.49\00:03:13.18
This was going to be my
new life with my new bride.
00:03:13.19\00:03:16.70
Now were you pretty nervous too?
00:03:16.90\00:03:18.52
I didn't feel nervous at all.
00:03:18.55\00:03:20.24
I was just so excited and I was
waiting for those doors to open.
00:03:20.27\00:03:24.02
I could hardly wait
to go down the aisle
00:03:24.05\00:03:26.06
and stand by your side and
make that commitment for life
00:03:26.09\00:03:30.87
that I wanted to be your wife.
00:03:30.90\00:03:32.07
And the excitement
and the enthusiasm,
00:03:32.10\00:03:34.44
it just seemed like it
was nothing but all my energy
00:03:34.47\00:03:39.50
was focused on you.
00:03:39.53\00:03:40.63
Now we wanted our
love to start out right.
00:03:41.37\00:03:44.46
So what we did, I found
this book that had 31 versions
00:03:44.96\00:03:50.09
of the love
chapter, 1 Corinthians 13.
00:03:50.12\00:03:53.01
I wanted us to be able to
have something very special
00:03:53.04\00:03:56.62
in that very first
wedding day when we were
00:03:56.65\00:03:59.98
heading off for our honeymoon.
00:04:00.01\00:04:01.30
Do you remember what we did?
00:04:01.33\00:04:02.36
Yes, that evening, you brought
out this book and you said,
00:04:02.77\00:04:06.27
Honey, I would like to start
our marriage, and from this day
00:04:06.30\00:04:10.14
forward to read 1
Corinthians 13 about love.
00:04:10.17\00:04:14.35
It sounded like a
great start, wasn't it?
00:04:15.03\00:04:16.60
It was, I was very
impressed and very happy.
00:04:16.63\00:04:19.65
Well then we set off, we
flew out the next morning
00:04:19.68\00:04:22.95
to our special place
on Hilton Head Island.
00:04:22.98\00:04:26.15
I know you remember that.
00:04:26.18\00:04:27.68
Yes I do.
00:04:27.71\00:04:28.80
I asked that we, I didn't
care where we went as long as we
00:04:29.59\00:04:32.42
had a warm place to go because
I like heat and sunshine.
00:04:32.45\00:04:35.46
And now we were starting our
wonderful new lives together.
00:04:35.49\00:04:39.31
Well, do you remember
what happened the first time we
00:04:40.19\00:04:42.35
went out to play tennis?
00:04:42.38\00:04:43.51
Yes, we had never
played tennis in our courtship
00:04:44.01\00:04:46.71
or engagement and
it was interesting.
00:04:46.74\00:04:49.06
I always thought I
was a good tennis player
00:04:49.09\00:04:51.12
and I told you, "Oh yes, I
really love to play tennis. "
00:04:51.15\00:04:53.83
So we got out on the court
and we began to play tennis.
00:04:54.33\00:04:58.53
It wasn't what I
thought it was going to be.
00:04:58.56\00:05:00.61
And I think you were use to the
guys that you were with before
00:05:00.94\00:05:05.55
hitting the ball to you.
00:05:05.58\00:05:06.66
And I was a bit too
competitive, wasn't I.
00:05:07.41\00:05:09.65
Well, it seemed that way.
00:05:09.68\00:05:11.26
I just felt like I was
spending a lot of time running
00:05:11.77\00:05:14.01
back and forth from one
side of the court to the other.
00:05:14.04\00:05:16.27
And it seemed like if I
hit the ball, it often wouldn't
00:05:16.30\00:05:19.81
even go in the court.
00:05:19.82\00:05:21.00
So, you know, it did...
00:05:21.03\00:05:23.18
I thought, maybe I was just
having an off day or something.
00:05:23.58\00:05:26.26
But as we tried it a couple
more times, I soon realized
00:05:26.29\00:05:29.65
that I am really
not a good tennis player
00:05:29.68\00:05:31.70
and this really isn't enjoyable.
00:05:31.73\00:05:33.01
It was just a lot of
extra hard work for me.
00:05:33.04\00:05:35.65
Well, we decided
tennis wasn't for us.
00:05:35.68\00:05:39.19
At least not now.
00:05:39.20\00:05:40.20
So we moved from
tennis into canoeing.
00:05:40.23\00:05:42.79
Which was another new
experience that we had not
00:05:43.72\00:05:46.61
done together before this.
00:05:46.64\00:05:48.31
And we just really encourage
you, if you are engaged
00:05:48.34\00:05:52.78
at this point, or you
have a special relationship
00:05:52.81\00:05:55.17
with someone, do some of these
things together so you really
00:05:55.20\00:05:58.29
know how you each really are.
00:05:58.32\00:06:00.46
But my husband didn't know
that I had a fear of water.
00:06:00.49\00:06:05.36
And so we got in the canoe and
the first thing I wanted to do
00:06:05.39\00:06:08.91
was put this life jacket on.
00:06:08.94\00:06:10.32
Do you remember that?
00:06:10.35\00:06:11.42
I just wanted to make sure.
00:06:11.45\00:06:12.59
And you probably
thought "What is she doing
00:06:12.62\00:06:14.19
putting a life
jacket on in a canoe. "
00:06:14.22\00:06:15.33
At least they had it in the
canoe, but I wasn't use to just
00:06:15.36\00:06:17.09
putting it on,
especially when it was warm.
00:06:17.12\00:06:18.81
Yes, well I tightened all
mine up and I was ready to go,
00:06:18.84\00:06:21.72
but it seemed like every
time you turned to one side
00:06:21.75\00:06:24.02
or the other, the canoe started
tipping and I would hold on
00:06:24.05\00:06:26.91
at the end, the edges,
and I was quite fearful.
00:06:26.94\00:06:29.93
Well, we don't want to
paint such a negative picture
00:06:30.36\00:06:32.56
because we did
have a great honeymoon.
00:06:32.59\00:06:34.09
We did.
00:06:34.12\00:06:35.19
But really, where we had
a great time was bicycling.
00:06:35.22\00:06:38.99
Now I have to tell you,
this is quite humorous, but
00:06:39.02\00:06:41.31
they would not rent us a car.
00:06:41.34\00:06:43.73
Here we are nearly 24 years
old and we can't rent a car
00:06:43.76\00:06:48.76
on our honeymoon
because we're too young.
00:06:48.79\00:06:50.58
You had to be 25 to rent a car.
00:06:50.61\00:06:52.48
So we rented bicycles.
00:06:52.49\00:06:54.67
And we had a great
time riding bicycles.
00:06:54.68\00:06:57.31
I was pretty good
at riding a bicycle.
00:06:57.34\00:06:59.52
I had a little work to keep
up with you but it was enjoyable
00:06:59.55\00:07:02.51
and we had a good time.
00:07:02.54\00:07:03.94
Just being together, that's
what I was looking forward to.
00:07:03.95\00:07:07.21
Just having
every moment with you,
00:07:07.24\00:07:09.23
because I loved you so much.
00:07:09.26\00:07:10.59
And I just knew no matter
how, you know, uncoordinated
00:07:10.62\00:07:14.97
I might have been in
some of these things,
00:07:15.00\00:07:16.70
life was just going
to be happy ever after.
00:07:16.73\00:07:19.49
And then we went
back to the real life.
00:07:20.13\00:07:22.49
You know, that's one of the
things, after the honeymoon,
00:07:23.42\00:07:25.27
you go back to real life.
00:07:25.30\00:07:26.44
And we were both working at
the hospital and we both had
00:07:26.47\00:07:30.78
rather stressful jobs at time.
00:07:30.81\00:07:33.51
And what began to
happen then, dear?
00:07:33.54\00:07:36.34
Well, it seemed that as we
would get up in the morning
00:07:36.91\00:07:40.08
and travel to the hospital
together, it seemed that
00:07:40.11\00:07:43.68
you were very
quiet in the morning.
00:07:43.71\00:07:45.66
And I wasn't use
to you being quiet.
00:07:45.69\00:07:49.32
I was use to you
talking to me and feeling free
00:07:49.35\00:07:52.14
that I could share with you.
00:07:52.17\00:07:53.18
And so I can remember after a
little while, I'd start saying
00:07:53.21\00:07:56.53
things like, "How come you don't
talk to me in the morning?"
00:07:56.56\00:07:59.70
You know, I really hadn't
had that experience because
00:08:01.80\00:08:05.12
we weren't talking early in the
morning and so you didn't know
00:08:05.15\00:08:09.36
that I wasn't
really a morning person.
00:08:09.39\00:08:11.15
And so I used as my
excuse, "Well, I'm just not very
00:08:11.76\00:08:15.16
talkative early
in the morning. "
00:08:15.19\00:08:16.74
That's right,
that's what you told me.
00:08:17.66\00:08:19.27
"I'm not a morning person. "
00:08:19.30\00:08:20.76
So you told me,
"Go ahead and talk. "
00:08:20.79\00:08:22.48
And so I would, I can
talk any time of the day.
00:08:22.51\00:08:25.22
You know that.
00:08:25.23\00:08:26.23
So I would talk to
work, going to work.
00:08:26.35\00:08:28.84
Then I noticed coming home
you weren't very talkative.
00:08:29.38\00:08:32.37
And I said, "How come
you don't talk to me?"
00:08:32.38\00:08:34.13
And this is after work.
00:08:34.16\00:08:35.39
You've been awake all
day, you've worked hard.
00:08:35.40\00:08:37.49
I'm interested to
know what your day was like
00:08:37.52\00:08:40.51
and who you talked to
and what you did in your job.
00:08:40.54\00:08:44.15
And it seemed that
you were very quiet.
00:08:44.18\00:08:46.33
And yet, when we were courting,
you would call me all the time
00:08:46.36\00:08:49.89
and tell me all about your day.
00:08:49.92\00:08:51.27
And you know, folks,
what I was experiencing,
00:08:51.81\00:08:54.23
and I didn't realize
all this at the time,
00:08:54.47\00:08:56.21
but I was feeling pressure
now because now I was in
00:08:56.24\00:08:59.75
the real life, I was in
these stressful situations.
00:08:59.78\00:09:02.98
Now here's my wife
putting pressure on me that I'm
00:09:03.01\00:09:07.12
not communicating right.
00:09:07.15\00:09:09.02
And so she started feeling
this pressure and I started
00:09:09.80\00:09:13.88
feeling the pressure,
and the little walls started
00:09:13.91\00:09:17.02
going up between us.
00:09:17.05\00:09:18.72
And I started thinking,
"You really don't seem like
00:09:18.75\00:09:21.40
the same person
that I married either. "
00:09:21.43\00:09:23.07
You know, you were
this bubbly vivacious woman.
00:09:23.77\00:09:27.01
You know, you were
very confident and organized
00:09:27.83\00:09:31.55
and on top of things.
00:09:31.58\00:09:32.63
And now I started noticing
that you're withdrawing.
00:09:32.66\00:09:36.47
And I'm thinking, "Well, is
this just because, you know.
00:09:37.38\00:09:39.76
What is she really like?
00:09:40.83\00:09:42.00
Did I really not
get to know her?"
00:09:42.03\00:09:43.39
And so the walls
started coming up between us.
00:09:43.79\00:09:46.53
And I think at that
time, we didn't even recognize
00:09:46.88\00:09:49.44
those walls were being built.
00:09:49.47\00:09:50.92
I think that we both were
in a new phase that we had
00:09:50.95\00:09:55.22
never experienced before.
00:09:55.25\00:09:56.55
And when I married you, I
just expected that you were
00:09:56.58\00:10:00.01
just going to make me a part
of every aspect of your life.
00:10:00.04\00:10:04.22
And that's what I was wanting
you to become in my life.
00:10:04.23\00:10:07.72
And so I was
pressuring you, questioning you,
00:10:07.75\00:10:10.85
I want you to do this for me.
00:10:10.88\00:10:12.76
And that was
making you pull back.
00:10:12.79\00:10:15.50
And yet I was trying to
include myself into your life
00:10:15.53\00:10:18.92
and all these other areas.
00:10:18.95\00:10:20.28
And that wasn't what you
were expecting, and so you were
00:10:20.29\00:10:23.23
kind of, you know, a
little bit shy of that.
00:10:23.26\00:10:25.45
You know, you liked
to be with your buddies,
00:10:25.48\00:10:27.22
you liked to be with
your friends at work.
00:10:27.25\00:10:29.33
And then when you'd
come home, then you could
00:10:29.36\00:10:31.76
be with your wife.
00:10:31.79\00:10:32.78
And so I think that
what happened is we didn't
00:10:32.81\00:10:35.55
recognize that these
little things were starting to
00:10:35.58\00:10:39.11
build in our marriage.
00:10:39.14\00:10:41.75
And I found myself at times
feeling frustrated and hurt.
00:10:41.76\00:10:48.03
And I think every
woman out there knows
00:10:48.06\00:10:50.59
what I'm talking about.
00:10:50.60\00:10:51.69
We can easily be hurt.
00:10:51.72\00:10:53.22
And I found myself
responding to you in ways that
00:10:53.25\00:10:57.81
I wasn't accustomed,
that I even had done before.
00:10:57.82\00:11:00.51
You know, sarcastically
saying sharp things to you.
00:11:00.54\00:11:05.35
Because you
weren't meeting my need.
00:11:06.24\00:11:08.28
Or my perceived need.
00:11:08.31\00:11:09.94
And I wasn't
really understanding you.
00:11:09.95\00:11:11.99
And I wasn't being
sensitive to you and I didn't
00:11:12.57\00:11:14.98
recognize these things.
00:11:15.01\00:11:16.15
And so I remember it
got to the point for you
00:11:16.18\00:11:19.07
that there were times I could
actually walk in the kitchen,
00:11:19.10\00:11:21.95
you know, several months
down the road in our marriage,
00:11:21.96\00:11:25.67
I could walk in the kitchen
and you would have a reaction.
00:11:25.70\00:11:30.96
Do you remember that?
00:11:30.99\00:11:31.99
Oh yes.
00:11:32.02\00:11:33.07
I mean, there were
times that I'd actually start
00:11:33.10\00:11:35.19
seeing your hand shake,
and you would start fumbling.
00:11:35.22\00:11:39.48
And instead of me having
tenderness and pity for you
00:11:39.51\00:11:44.46
and being
sympathetic, it irritated me.
00:11:44.49\00:11:48.16
It was like,
what is going on here?
00:11:48.19\00:11:50.52
Where is this vivacious
wonderful woman that I married?
00:11:50.55\00:11:55.41
And I found myself just
withering away and withdrawing.
00:11:56.21\00:11:59.14
And, you know, when
you would respond that way,
00:11:59.17\00:12:03.12
I would feel like I
wasn't doing things right.
00:12:03.15\00:12:05.19
And so I would try really hard.
00:12:05.22\00:12:06.60
And, you know, I might
cut myself or burn myself.
00:12:06.63\00:12:08.97
And it seemed like once a week,
I had a new injury somewhere
00:12:09.00\00:12:12.13
from being in the kitchen.
00:12:12.16\00:12:13.19
And I think also that I
didn't understand the effects,
00:12:13.59\00:12:20.52
something was
happening different in me that I
00:12:20.55\00:12:22.78
had never experienced.
00:12:22.81\00:12:23.83
The effects of the birth
control that I had been put on
00:12:23.86\00:12:26.66
was really
messing up my thoughts
00:12:26.69\00:12:29.10
and my emotional stability.
00:12:29.13\00:12:30.89
Which having never
experienced that before...
00:12:30.93\00:12:33.50
Not to mention your hormones.
00:12:33.53\00:12:34.61
Yes, really.
00:12:34.64\00:12:35.68
But we didn't know that
was a factor at the time.
00:12:36.39\00:12:38.57
But it was a very real
factor, we discovered later.
00:12:38.60\00:12:41.74
But it only made these things
more difficult to deal with.
00:12:41.77\00:12:45.25
And, you know, as we've had
the opportunity to talk with
00:12:45.28\00:12:48.43
many, many couples over the
years, we were entering into
00:12:48.44\00:12:52.71
what I now
call, the fatal cycle.
00:12:52.72\00:12:55.58
And we have seen scores of
couples enter this fatal cycle,
00:12:56.18\00:12:59.73
not even knowing that
they're entering into it.
00:12:59.76\00:13:02.05
And for us, the fatal cycle for
me, without even realizing it,
00:13:02.39\00:13:06.44
I was living a single lifestyle
and trying to fit you into it,
00:13:06.47\00:13:12.48
as a married man.
00:13:12.51\00:13:13.69
I didn't even know it.
00:13:13.72\00:13:14.78
I was just trying to fit you.
00:13:14.81\00:13:16.45
I wanted to keep all my
interests, all my friends,
00:13:17.12\00:13:19.44
all my buddies, and
I wanted to fit you in.
00:13:19.47\00:13:22.87
And that's not how
you viewed the marriage.
00:13:23.28\00:13:25.28
I didn't know I viewed it
that way, but that was what was
00:13:25.31\00:13:27.48
beginning our fatal
cycle; is me trying to fit you
00:13:27.51\00:13:31.28
in to my lifestyle.
00:13:31.31\00:13:32.88
I was holding a single life,
and didn't even realize it,
00:13:32.91\00:13:36.22
while I was a married man.
00:13:36.25\00:13:37.58
Well, sometimes when we
were together in the evenings,
00:13:39.13\00:13:41.57
there were many happy
times, but there were also
00:13:41.60\00:13:44.25
some evenings that
were quite stressful.
00:13:44.28\00:13:46.43
It depended upon how
responsive you would be
00:13:46.46\00:13:50.76
to me, at least coming home.
00:13:50.79\00:13:53.30
And if you were more
withdrawn or quiet, then I would
00:13:53.33\00:13:55.70
find myself
withdrawing from you.
00:13:55.73\00:13:57.42
And my communication with
you, again, would be a little
00:13:57.45\00:14:00.61
sharper or more indifferent,
like, "You can't really touch me
00:14:00.64\00:14:04.18
or, you know, you're not
going to hurt my feelings. "
00:14:04.21\00:14:06.50
But it really wasn't
true, it was a cover up.
00:14:07.28\00:14:09.45
Well, we're going
to talk about that.
00:14:09.48\00:14:12.39
We need to take a break
here, but when we come back,
00:14:12.42\00:14:14.69
we want to talk about
where that fatal cycle led us
00:14:14.70\00:14:18.41
and how God broke
through to restore us.
00:14:19.01\00:14:23.88
There are many "How
To" books available,
00:14:30.12\00:14:32.27
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:14:32.30\00:14:35.50
"How You Can
Build A Better Marriage"
00:14:35.53\00:14:37.86
Bible-based matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
00:14:37.89\00:14:41.88
easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
00:14:41.91\00:14:44.65
newlyweds, couples
in their golden years,
00:14:44.68\00:14:47.59
and everyone in between.
00:14:47.62\00:14:49.05
Simply call or
write for your free copy.
00:14:49.08\00:14:51.62
Welcome back.
00:15:02.55\00:15:03.65
We're talking
about how we became one.
00:15:03.68\00:15:07.29
And so far, we haven't
really given you much evidence
00:15:08.16\00:15:11.26
that we're
doing a very good job.
00:15:11.29\00:15:12.61
But, stay with us because I
really was in love with my wife
00:15:12.64\00:15:19.14
and she was in love with me.
00:15:19.17\00:15:21.12
But, you know, as we've
talked to so many couples,
00:15:21.78\00:15:25.48
this is not so
uncommon in marriage.
00:15:25.51\00:15:28.76
Many people just don't
know how to deal with it.
00:15:29.17\00:15:32.04
So we're going to be talking
about how God takes these
00:15:32.07\00:15:36.66
difficult situations
and makes a marriage that's
00:15:36.69\00:15:41.62
truly heart to heart;
heart to heart with God
00:15:41.65\00:15:44.23
and heart to
heart with one another.
00:15:44.26\00:15:46.21
So here we are, we're back
at this dreadful evening, dear.
00:15:46.24\00:15:50.38
I remember it very well.
00:15:51.32\00:15:52.80
Probably too well.
00:15:52.83\00:15:54.17
I'm thankful that as we recount
this evening and the pain
00:15:54.83\00:16:00.03
that was there,
we are past that.
00:16:00.06\00:16:02.95
And we got past it very
soon after that evening.
00:16:03.33\00:16:06.96
Because God is going to do
great things in people's lives.
00:16:06.99\00:16:10.52
God does want those
people out there to have
00:16:10.55\00:16:13.55
a marriage heart to heart.
00:16:13.58\00:16:14.58
That's right, He still
does miracles every day
00:16:14.60\00:16:17.48
in our hearts.
00:16:17.51\00:16:19.00
And that's the exciting
thing about God, is He's bigger
00:16:19.03\00:16:22.94
than all of our problems.
00:16:22.97\00:16:24.13
And He has a way to heal those
hurts and fix those problems
00:16:24.16\00:16:28.76
and really bring
us heart to heart.
00:16:28.79\00:16:30.55
And sometimes we have to
go through some hard things
00:16:30.58\00:16:33.83
before we really
realize where our solution is.
00:16:33.84\00:16:37.75
So that evening we had
another one of our blow ups.
00:16:37.78\00:16:42.51
And you headed one direction
and I headed the other.
00:16:44.03\00:16:48.22
And I ended up
down in the basement,
00:16:48.87\00:16:50.65
the basement of our house.
00:16:50.68\00:16:52.44
And I was sitting down
there and I was feeling
00:16:53.20\00:16:55.81
pretty sorry for myself.
00:16:55.84\00:16:57.12
You didn't know
that at the time.
00:16:57.15\00:16:58.30
But I was sitting there
thinking, "Here we go again. "
00:16:58.33\00:17:04.11
I was so frustrated, so
upset, and I was so focused
00:17:04.48\00:17:09.25
on my selfishness.
00:17:09.28\00:17:10.86
And I didn't know what to do.
00:17:12.09\00:17:14.31
I was questioning our
marriage, I was questioning,
00:17:14.98\00:17:17.75
"What is going on here?"
00:17:17.78\00:17:19.25
And I don't know what
was happening with you.
00:17:19.99\00:17:21.49
What was going on
with you upstairs?
00:17:21.52\00:17:23.22
Well, I started to go to the
bedroom, but realized I didn't
00:17:23.76\00:17:28.49
want to go there because I
figured when you came back up,
00:17:28.52\00:17:30.82
that's where you'd find me.
00:17:30.85\00:17:31.92
So I went into the
office because I figured you
00:17:31.95\00:17:35.12
wouldn't find me
there so quickly.
00:17:35.15\00:17:36.73
But I was feeling quite
hurt, again, and feeling
00:17:37.13\00:17:41.01
very discouraged.
00:17:41.04\00:17:42.30
And yet in my
heart, I knew you loved me
00:17:42.33\00:17:44.70
and I knew I loved you.
00:17:44.73\00:17:46.20
And I was confident that
God had brought us together.
00:17:46.50\00:17:49.25
Amen.
00:17:49.28\00:17:50.27
You know,
sometimes these difficulties
00:17:50.36\00:17:52.20
cause us to question.
00:17:52.23\00:17:53.78
But we can't really question.
00:17:53.81\00:17:55.56
We have to believe that when
we join as husband and wife,
00:17:55.59\00:17:59.58
we are making that commitment
to one another forever
00:17:59.61\00:18:02.59
and before God.
00:18:02.62\00:18:03.80
And that's a forever commitment.
00:18:03.83\00:18:05.06
Amen.
00:18:05.09\00:18:06.09
And I was really questioning
in my own mind, you know,
00:18:06.10\00:18:11.88
"What's wrong with
me? Am I losing it?"
00:18:11.91\00:18:14.99
And so I turned my
focus off of you and I started
00:18:15.59\00:18:18.86
looking at myself,
but not in a positive way.
00:18:18.89\00:18:22.29
In a very negative way.
00:18:22.32\00:18:23.86
And so it brought me
more and more discouragement,
00:18:24.16\00:18:26.62
and I found myself
feeling incapably even of making
00:18:26.65\00:18:31.56
simple decisions and fearful
of not knowing how to react.
00:18:31.59\00:18:36.55
I'm sorry I put
you through that, dear.
00:18:37.07\00:18:38.82
I forgave you a long time ago.
00:18:39.06\00:18:40.69
It was my own choice.
00:18:41.57\00:18:42.80
But you know, that night
as I was sitting down there
00:18:42.83\00:18:44.71
in the basement, I
was thinking about myself
00:18:44.74\00:18:49.41
and what's wrong with you.
00:18:49.44\00:18:51.44
It was a "me" focus.
00:18:51.47\00:18:53.02
And we're going to
be talking about that.
00:18:53.05\00:18:54.63
But you know, I didn't
understand how God really
00:18:55.71\00:18:58.28
speaks to us in
that still small voice.
00:18:58.31\00:19:01.49
But that night, I'll never
forget, that night as I was
00:19:01.52\00:19:04.52
sitting there on the couch,
this thought came so vividly.
00:19:04.55\00:19:08.19
It might as well have
been an audible voice.
00:19:08.22\00:19:09.75
It wasn't an audible voice,
but the Holy Spirit came through
00:19:09.78\00:19:13.16
so forcibly, and this is
the thought that came to me.
00:19:13.19\00:19:15.90
"If you don't stop
picking on you wife,
00:19:15.91\00:19:19.54
you will destroy her. "
00:19:19.57\00:19:22.32
Ohhh.
00:19:23.20\00:19:24.40
It just sat me
back, there on the couch.
00:19:24.91\00:19:27.53
And suddenly, for the first
time I got my mind off myself
00:19:28.19\00:19:33.20
and I started
thinking about you.
00:19:33.23\00:19:36.29
And I started
realizing, this is my problem.
00:19:37.09\00:19:41.03
It's not just your problem,
it's not what you are doing
00:19:41.04\00:19:44.18
or not doing,
I've got a problem.
00:19:44.21\00:19:46.62
And so this is the next thought
that the Lord brought to me
00:19:47.55\00:19:51.00
when I started to open my heart
to the Lord there on the couch;
00:19:51.03\00:19:55.48
think of 10 things that you love
and appreciate about your wife.
00:19:56.45\00:20:01.68
Ten things.
00:20:03.17\00:20:04.48
Now today, if I had to think
of ten things about my wife that
00:20:05.11\00:20:08.78
I love and appreciate, it would
be a very easy thing to do.
00:20:08.81\00:20:11.62
But that night, because
of what we had been through,
00:20:12.19\00:20:14.44
it was not an easy thing.
00:20:15.31\00:20:16.33
And I sat there, and
the only thing that I
00:20:16.36\00:20:18.94
could think of was...
00:20:18.97\00:20:20.30
I was a good cook.
00:20:21.41\00:20:22.41
...a great cook.
00:20:22.44\00:20:23.44
I know.
00:20:23.68\00:20:24.68
But that had already caused
great conflict in our marriage
00:20:25.79\00:20:28.52
because I said you
were a great cook, didn't I.
00:20:28.55\00:20:31.35
Daily, daily, that
was my great compliment.
00:20:31.80\00:20:34.31
I said to you one
day, "Honey, I want to be
00:20:34.34\00:20:36.14
more than a cook to you. "
00:20:36.17\00:20:37.46
And so here I was
trying to think of ten things,
00:20:39.17\00:20:42.22
that's all the Lord is asking
me to do, think of ten things
00:20:42.25\00:20:44.97
that I love and
appreciate about my wife.
00:20:45.00\00:20:46.55
And I couldn't.
00:20:46.58\00:20:47.56
And I cried out to the Lord.
I said, "Oh God, help me. "
00:20:48.21\00:20:52.50
I saw my need, I saw the
direction that I was going
00:20:53.19\00:20:57.29
and where it was taking us.
00:20:57.32\00:20:58.93
We were in a fatal cycle.
00:20:58.96\00:21:00.59
And I cried out to the Lord.
00:21:01.32\00:21:02.63
And the Lord
began to open my heart.
00:21:03.81\00:21:05.63
And the thoughts began to flow
and I started getting excited.
00:21:05.66\00:21:10.19
And I started
writing things down.
00:21:10.20\00:21:12.60
And I got so excited, I wanted
to come upstairs and find you
00:21:12.63\00:21:16.68
and tell you what great
things God was doing in me.
00:21:16.71\00:21:19.62
And then the Lord restrained me.
00:21:19.92\00:21:21.21
The restraint was, "No. "
00:21:22.23\00:21:24.05
No.
00:21:24.65\00:21:25.65
"You need to demonstrate
this love and appreciation.
00:21:25.68\00:21:29.59
Don't speak about it,
don't tell her all these things
00:21:29.79\00:21:33.48
that you love and
appreciate about her.
00:21:33.51\00:21:35.18
Demonstrate that love to her. "
00:21:35.21\00:21:38.43
And do you remember, I came up.
00:21:40.35\00:21:42.32
And you did find me.
00:21:42.96\00:21:44.40
I found you.
00:21:44.43\00:21:45.58
And when I found you and I
saw you sitting in the corner
00:21:45.94\00:21:49.86
of our office on the
floor, huddled, broken hearted,
00:21:49.89\00:21:55.29
weeping, God broke
through to my heart.
00:21:55.32\00:21:58.86
Remember that moment?
00:21:59.72\00:22:00.91
Oh, I do.
00:22:00.94\00:22:01.94
I heard you coming up
the stairs and I kind of
00:22:02.34\00:22:04.98
snuggled into my corner
because I was embarrassed
00:22:05.01\00:22:07.71
for where I was and I
knew that I wasn't coping
00:22:07.72\00:22:11.60
the way I should be.
00:22:11.61\00:22:12.72
And as you came up
and you stood in the door,
00:22:12.75\00:22:16.03
after you looked
for me in the bedrooms,
00:22:16.06\00:22:18.26
you stood in the
door and you saw me there.
00:22:18.29\00:22:21.04
I sensed that moment of
hesitation and contemplation.
00:22:22.57\00:22:27.33
And then you spoke so
gently and so tenderly.
00:22:27.34\00:22:32.30
I mean, it's just as if you
just spoke those words to me,
00:22:32.33\00:22:34.95
"Honey, I'm sorry.
00:22:34.98\00:22:37.71
I'm sorry for the
way I've treated you. "
00:22:38.41\00:22:40.23
The first thing that you
told me is that you were sorry,
00:22:41.00\00:22:43.43
and then you said,
"Honey, I love you. "
00:22:43.46\00:22:45.21
And then you started
coming into the room,
00:22:45.24\00:22:47.30
then you knelt down
by me there on the floor.
00:22:47.83\00:22:50.80
And of course, I was
embarrassed for being there.
00:22:50.83\00:22:53.09
But I was so
embarrassed, I didn't even
00:22:53.60\00:22:56.06
really want to look up.
00:22:56.09\00:22:57.26
And then you shared with me
what was really in your heart.
00:22:57.88\00:23:01.92
And as you shared it
with me, I mean, I found
00:23:03.06\00:23:06.93
my heart just opening up
like a flower to the sunshine.
00:23:06.96\00:23:10.91
And...
00:23:11.49\00:23:12.51
I find myself reliving
the emotion at the moment.
00:23:12.52\00:23:15.01
It was very meaningful
and very tender, wasn't it.
00:23:15.56\00:23:18.45
It was a turning
point in our relationship.
00:23:19.66\00:23:22.56
Amen.
00:23:22.59\00:23:23.66
And as you spoke those
words and you told me, you said,
00:23:23.69\00:23:27.31
"God has put it in my heart to
show appreciation towards you.
00:23:27.34\00:23:32.70
And I'm going to
demonstrate these things.
00:23:33.52\00:23:35.39
I have written ten things. "
00:23:35.40\00:23:36.74
You told me how you
wrote them on the paper
00:23:36.77\00:23:38.56
and that you weren't
going to let me read your list.
00:23:38.57\00:23:40.85
And I really wanted to
read it because wanted to know
00:23:41.14\00:23:43.30
what was on that list.
00:23:43.33\00:23:44.54
But you weren't
going to let me read it.
00:23:44.57\00:23:46.31
You said, "I'm going to
demonstrate these to you.
00:23:46.34\00:23:48.55
I'm going to show you and
then you tell me how I'm doing.
00:23:48.58\00:23:53.03
You figure out that list by
how I live and how I treat you
00:23:53.06\00:23:56.72
and how I respond to you. "
00:23:56.75\00:23:58.64
And then, I'm still not
looking at you except, you know,
00:23:59.30\00:24:02.75
under my arm there.
00:24:02.78\00:24:03.80
And then you said to
me, "And I want you to know
00:24:03.83\00:24:06.70
that being a good
cook is not one of them. "
00:24:08.08\00:24:11.11
And with that, I tell
you, my head popped up
00:24:11.63\00:24:14.65
and a laugh came just right out.
00:24:14.68\00:24:17.63
Do you remember that? I
just burst out laughing.
00:24:17.66\00:24:19.69
And then all
that pent up emotion.
00:24:19.70\00:24:22.00
Because we really
did love each other.
00:24:22.03\00:24:24.04
But we had so long, or in
our own ways, quietly subtly
00:24:24.05\00:24:29.03
built these walls that were
barricading us from each other.
00:24:29.06\00:24:32.42
And as you spoke those
words, and the laughter came,
00:24:32.45\00:24:35.44
you took me by the hand and
you looked me right in the eye,
00:24:36.21\00:24:39.84
and you said, "I
really do love you. "
00:24:39.85\00:24:41.53
And it was so meaningful.
00:24:42.19\00:24:44.17
It was like the past was
done, we're in a new life,
00:24:44.20\00:24:48.16
and we're going to move
forward from this point on.
00:24:48.17\00:24:50.29
And you knew at that moment
that I really did love you.
00:24:51.42\00:24:53.87
I did, and I was convinced.
00:24:54.27\00:24:56.17
I knew it before too.
00:24:56.20\00:24:57.56
The beauty of that situation
was that you already knew
00:24:57.59\00:25:00.22
I loved you, but now you
were experiencing that love.
00:25:00.25\00:25:05.61
And I remember embracing
you there in that moment.
00:25:06.01\00:25:10.17
That was a very special moment.
00:25:10.20\00:25:12.11
You know, Ephesians 4:32 says,
"Be ye kind one to another,
00:25:12.79\00:25:19.09
tenderhearted,
forgiving one another,
00:25:19.98\00:25:23.47
even as God for Christ's
sake hath forgiven you. "
00:25:23.50\00:25:28.53
You know, one of the things
that I remember most about that
00:25:29.25\00:25:32.09
evening was your forgiveness.
00:25:32.12\00:25:35.92
That true forgiveness
that only comes from God.
00:25:36.98\00:25:39.83
And it's beautiful.
00:25:40.70\00:25:41.79
And it's the only
place that it can come from
00:25:41.82\00:25:43.68
because we cannot generate that
forgiveness in and of ourselves.
00:25:43.71\00:25:47.49
Not only did I
forgive you that night, honey,
00:25:49.70\00:25:51.78
but you also forgave
me; my selfishness and
00:25:51.81\00:25:55.03
my self-focus
and my stubbornness.
00:25:55.06\00:25:57.27
And it's never
been the same since.
00:25:57.28\00:25:59.16
We had a new start and
it's only gotten better.
00:25:59.19\00:26:02.33
Now I never saw the original
list, but I knew what they were.
00:26:02.73\00:26:06.72
But I have a new list
you gave me a few years ago.
00:26:06.75\00:26:09.07
It has 54 things on it that you
love and appreciate about me.
00:26:09.10\00:26:12.80
And the exciting thing is
that I know them because that's
00:26:12.83\00:26:15.33
how you treat me, that's how
you live towards me every day.
00:26:15.36\00:26:18.68
Well, it's wonderful
because I could write a new list
00:26:18.71\00:26:21.81
probably every day.
00:26:21.84\00:26:22.99
Because love continues to grow.
00:26:23.02\00:26:24.78
And we do have a
marriage that's heart to heart.
00:26:24.81\00:26:27.20
And we want this for you, our
listening and viewing audience,
00:26:27.23\00:26:31.44
to have that kind of marriage.
00:26:31.45\00:26:32.99
It only comes through Christ.
00:26:33.02\00:26:34.44
And if you find yourself in
a stressful difficult situation
00:26:34.84\00:26:38.23
in your marriage, God
can give you the answers.
00:26:38.26\00:26:41.64
Be willing to go to
God, cry out like we did,
00:26:42.04\00:26:45.29
and God will be there for you.
00:26:45.32\00:26:46.99
In fact, I think it
would be great right now
00:26:47.02\00:26:48.76
if we prayed together.
00:26:48.79\00:26:49.80
Father in heaven, we do
thank You for the opportunity
00:26:51.10\00:26:53.39
to come to You
in every situation.
00:26:53.42\00:26:55.29
You're the creator
of life and of marriage.
00:26:56.01\00:26:58.76
We know in coming
into oneness with You,
00:26:59.16\00:27:01.28
it's only then that
we come into oneness;
00:27:01.31\00:27:03.97
to become one with each
other and have a marriage
00:27:04.00\00:27:06.98
that's heart to heart.
00:27:07.01\00:27:08.02
Bless us to that end.
00:27:08.50\00:27:09.66
Through Jesus
Christ we pray, amen.
00:27:09.69\00:27:12.69
Well, we're going to be talking
about something that everybody
00:27:14.24\00:27:16.72
experiences, and that is,
the two "me's" or the one "us".
00:27:16.75\00:27:21.70
What do you like better, the
"me" focus or the "us" focus?
00:27:22.26\00:27:25.97
I'd rather have one
"us" than two "me's".
00:27:26.00\00:27:27.93
That's right, and so we
need to move from the "me" focus
00:27:27.96\00:27:32.11
to the "us" focus.
00:27:32.12\00:27:33.61
Because we're just
focused on ourselves
00:27:33.64\00:27:36.51
when we're in a "me" focus.
00:27:36.54\00:27:37.52
It's a very selfish focus.
00:27:37.55\00:27:38.66
So that's what we're
going to be talking about
00:27:38.69\00:27:40.83
when we get together next
time; two "me's" or one "us",
00:27:40.86\00:27:45.10
on Marriage Heart To Heart.
00:27:45.13\00:27:46.49