Welcome to Marriage Heart To Heart. 00:00:32.75\00:00:35.10 We're Tom and Alane Waters with Restoration International. 00:00:35.13\00:00:38.70 And we want you to experience a marriage that's 00:00:38.71\00:00:42.10 truly heart to heart; 00:00:42.11\00:00:43.80 heart to heart with our heavenly Father, 00:00:43.83\00:00:46.48 and heart to heart with the one you love. 00:00:46.51\00:00:49.73 So we hope that you brought paper and pencil so that 00:00:50.13\00:00:52.86 you can take notes. 00:00:52.89\00:00:54.05 And if you didn't, we encourage you to get that so that you can 00:00:54.08\00:00:57.53 remember more what you've learned from today's program. 00:00:57.54\00:01:00.00 Today we're going to be talking about learning to become one. 00:01:02.37\00:01:05.78 Now that wasn't necessarily as easy as we thought it 00:01:06.79\00:01:09.30 was going to be, was it honey? 00:01:09.33\00:01:10.40 No, I thought it would just happen spontaneously. 00:01:10.70\00:01:13.26 So we're going to be sharing with you very openly 00:01:13.71\00:01:16.46 and honestly how it began for us. 00:01:16.49\00:01:18.80 It began wonderfully, but things started to happen 00:01:18.83\00:01:22.55 shortly after our honeymoon. 00:01:22.58\00:01:24.44 Yea, and I'd like to take us back to our courtship. 00:01:25.14\00:01:27.77 And we encourage all of you that are viewing today, 00:01:27.80\00:01:31.50 to also think about your courtship and your wedding day 00:01:31.54\00:01:35.21 as we share with you from our experience. 00:01:35.24\00:01:37.53 But our courtship was so special. 00:01:37.56\00:01:40.02 I can remember any time we had a few minutes, 00:01:40.05\00:01:43.67 we'd look for ways to communicate with each other. 00:01:43.70\00:01:46.24 You know, when you were on break from your responsibilities 00:01:46.27\00:01:49.34 in the hospital and I would be in my apartment, 00:01:49.37\00:01:51.76 I would anticipate your break time and anticipate that 00:01:51.79\00:01:55.00 phone call because I knew that we loved to have every 00:01:55.03\00:01:58.27 moment together, even if it was only by phone. 00:01:58.30\00:02:00.50 Oh yes, we never ran out of things to talk about, did we? 00:02:00.72\00:02:03.59 No, all through our courtship and engagement, 00:02:03.62\00:02:06.69 we just wanted to have more time. 00:02:06.72\00:02:08.75 We weren't getting enough time with each other and 00:02:08.78\00:02:10.48 we never ran out of anything to talk about. 00:02:10.51\00:02:12.44 And it seemed to me like we really didn't run 00:02:12.47\00:02:14.51 into any conflict. 00:02:14.54\00:02:16.02 We had a great time. 00:02:16.05\00:02:17.30 So let's talk about our wedding day. 00:02:18.20\00:02:19.74 You know, that day that we looked forward to 00:02:21.34\00:02:23.73 was such an exhilarating adventure. 00:02:23.76\00:02:26.61 But I have to tell the people, that day when I was standing 00:02:27.21\00:02:31.11 up there waiting for you to come through those doors... 00:02:31.14\00:02:34.04 And go back with me as we talk about this. 00:02:34.05\00:02:37.33 I don't know how it was for you men, but you think about 00:02:37.36\00:02:40.31 what it was like on that wedding day. 00:02:40.34\00:02:41.80 I was standing there in my tuxedo and I remember 00:02:41.83\00:02:45.11 as you were back there, and we were in a pretty big church, 00:02:45.81\00:02:49.33 and you were behind those doors, and I knew my bride 00:02:49.36\00:02:52.25 was going to come through those doors. 00:02:52.28\00:02:53.80 And that was exciting. 00:02:53.81\00:02:55.17 But I remember thinking, "My heart is pounding so hard, 00:02:55.18\00:02:59.76 I wonder of these people can see it. " 00:03:00.59\00:03:02.29 So I very discreetly looked down at my tux jacket 00:03:02.32\00:03:06.21 to see if it was flopping up and down, but it wasn't. 00:03:06.24\00:03:09.48 But I was anxious and I was excited. 00:03:09.49\00:03:13.18 This was going to be my new life with my new bride. 00:03:13.19\00:03:16.70 Now were you pretty nervous too? 00:03:16.90\00:03:18.52 I didn't feel nervous at all. 00:03:18.55\00:03:20.24 I was just so excited and I was waiting for those doors to open. 00:03:20.27\00:03:24.02 I could hardly wait to go down the aisle 00:03:24.05\00:03:26.06 and stand by your side and make that commitment for life 00:03:26.09\00:03:30.87 that I wanted to be your wife. 00:03:30.90\00:03:32.07 And the excitement and the enthusiasm, 00:03:32.10\00:03:34.44 it just seemed like it was nothing but all my energy 00:03:34.47\00:03:39.50 was focused on you. 00:03:39.53\00:03:40.63 Now we wanted our love to start out right. 00:03:41.37\00:03:44.46 So what we did, I found this book that had 31 versions 00:03:44.96\00:03:50.09 of the love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13. 00:03:50.12\00:03:53.01 I wanted us to be able to have something very special 00:03:53.04\00:03:56.62 in that very first wedding day when we were 00:03:56.65\00:03:59.98 heading off for our honeymoon. 00:04:00.01\00:04:01.30 Do you remember what we did? 00:04:01.33\00:04:02.36 Yes, that evening, you brought out this book and you said, 00:04:02.77\00:04:06.27 Honey, I would like to start our marriage, and from this day 00:04:06.30\00:04:10.14 forward to read 1 Corinthians 13 about love. 00:04:10.17\00:04:14.35 It sounded like a great start, wasn't it? 00:04:15.03\00:04:16.60 It was, I was very impressed and very happy. 00:04:16.63\00:04:19.65 Well then we set off, we flew out the next morning 00:04:19.68\00:04:22.95 to our special place on Hilton Head Island. 00:04:22.98\00:04:26.15 I know you remember that. 00:04:26.18\00:04:27.68 Yes I do. 00:04:27.71\00:04:28.80 I asked that we, I didn't care where we went as long as we 00:04:29.59\00:04:32.42 had a warm place to go because I like heat and sunshine. 00:04:32.45\00:04:35.46 And now we were starting our wonderful new lives together. 00:04:35.49\00:04:39.31 Well, do you remember what happened the first time we 00:04:40.19\00:04:42.35 went out to play tennis? 00:04:42.38\00:04:43.51 Yes, we had never played tennis in our courtship 00:04:44.01\00:04:46.71 or engagement and it was interesting. 00:04:46.74\00:04:49.06 I always thought I was a good tennis player 00:04:49.09\00:04:51.12 and I told you, "Oh yes, I really love to play tennis. " 00:04:51.15\00:04:53.83 So we got out on the court and we began to play tennis. 00:04:54.33\00:04:58.53 It wasn't what I thought it was going to be. 00:04:58.56\00:05:00.61 And I think you were use to the guys that you were with before 00:05:00.94\00:05:05.55 hitting the ball to you. 00:05:05.58\00:05:06.66 And I was a bit too competitive, wasn't I. 00:05:07.41\00:05:09.65 Well, it seemed that way. 00:05:09.68\00:05:11.26 I just felt like I was spending a lot of time running 00:05:11.77\00:05:14.01 back and forth from one side of the court to the other. 00:05:14.04\00:05:16.27 And it seemed like if I hit the ball, it often wouldn't 00:05:16.30\00:05:19.81 even go in the court. 00:05:19.82\00:05:21.00 So, you know, it did... 00:05:21.03\00:05:23.18 I thought, maybe I was just having an off day or something. 00:05:23.58\00:05:26.26 But as we tried it a couple more times, I soon realized 00:05:26.29\00:05:29.65 that I am really not a good tennis player 00:05:29.68\00:05:31.70 and this really isn't enjoyable. 00:05:31.73\00:05:33.01 It was just a lot of extra hard work for me. 00:05:33.04\00:05:35.65 Well, we decided tennis wasn't for us. 00:05:35.68\00:05:39.19 At least not now. 00:05:39.20\00:05:40.20 So we moved from tennis into canoeing. 00:05:40.23\00:05:42.79 Which was another new experience that we had not 00:05:43.72\00:05:46.61 done together before this. 00:05:46.64\00:05:48.31 And we just really encourage you, if you are engaged 00:05:48.34\00:05:52.78 at this point, or you have a special relationship 00:05:52.81\00:05:55.17 with someone, do some of these things together so you really 00:05:55.20\00:05:58.29 know how you each really are. 00:05:58.32\00:06:00.46 But my husband didn't know that I had a fear of water. 00:06:00.49\00:06:05.36 And so we got in the canoe and the first thing I wanted to do 00:06:05.39\00:06:08.91 was put this life jacket on. 00:06:08.94\00:06:10.32 Do you remember that? 00:06:10.35\00:06:11.42 I just wanted to make sure. 00:06:11.45\00:06:12.59 And you probably thought "What is she doing 00:06:12.62\00:06:14.19 putting a life jacket on in a canoe. " 00:06:14.22\00:06:15.33 At least they had it in the canoe, but I wasn't use to just 00:06:15.36\00:06:17.09 putting it on, especially when it was warm. 00:06:17.12\00:06:18.81 Yes, well I tightened all mine up and I was ready to go, 00:06:18.84\00:06:21.72 but it seemed like every time you turned to one side 00:06:21.75\00:06:24.02 or the other, the canoe started tipping and I would hold on 00:06:24.05\00:06:26.91 at the end, the edges, and I was quite fearful. 00:06:26.94\00:06:29.93 Well, we don't want to paint such a negative picture 00:06:30.36\00:06:32.56 because we did have a great honeymoon. 00:06:32.59\00:06:34.09 We did. 00:06:34.12\00:06:35.19 But really, where we had a great time was bicycling. 00:06:35.22\00:06:38.99 Now I have to tell you, this is quite humorous, but 00:06:39.02\00:06:41.31 they would not rent us a car. 00:06:41.34\00:06:43.73 Here we are nearly 24 years old and we can't rent a car 00:06:43.76\00:06:48.76 on our honeymoon because we're too young. 00:06:48.79\00:06:50.58 You had to be 25 to rent a car. 00:06:50.61\00:06:52.48 So we rented bicycles. 00:06:52.49\00:06:54.67 And we had a great time riding bicycles. 00:06:54.68\00:06:57.31 I was pretty good at riding a bicycle. 00:06:57.34\00:06:59.52 I had a little work to keep up with you but it was enjoyable 00:06:59.55\00:07:02.51 and we had a good time. 00:07:02.54\00:07:03.94 Just being together, that's what I was looking forward to. 00:07:03.95\00:07:07.21 Just having every moment with you, 00:07:07.24\00:07:09.23 because I loved you so much. 00:07:09.26\00:07:10.59 And I just knew no matter how, you know, uncoordinated 00:07:10.62\00:07:14.97 I might have been in some of these things, 00:07:15.00\00:07:16.70 life was just going to be happy ever after. 00:07:16.73\00:07:19.49 And then we went back to the real life. 00:07:20.13\00:07:22.49 You know, that's one of the things, after the honeymoon, 00:07:23.42\00:07:25.27 you go back to real life. 00:07:25.30\00:07:26.44 And we were both working at the hospital and we both had 00:07:26.47\00:07:30.78 rather stressful jobs at time. 00:07:30.81\00:07:33.51 And what began to happen then, dear? 00:07:33.54\00:07:36.34 Well, it seemed that as we would get up in the morning 00:07:36.91\00:07:40.08 and travel to the hospital together, it seemed that 00:07:40.11\00:07:43.68 you were very quiet in the morning. 00:07:43.71\00:07:45.66 And I wasn't use to you being quiet. 00:07:45.69\00:07:49.32 I was use to you talking to me and feeling free 00:07:49.35\00:07:52.14 that I could share with you. 00:07:52.17\00:07:53.18 And so I can remember after a little while, I'd start saying 00:07:53.21\00:07:56.53 things like, "How come you don't talk to me in the morning?" 00:07:56.56\00:07:59.70 You know, I really hadn't had that experience because 00:08:01.80\00:08:05.12 we weren't talking early in the morning and so you didn't know 00:08:05.15\00:08:09.36 that I wasn't really a morning person. 00:08:09.39\00:08:11.15 And so I used as my excuse, "Well, I'm just not very 00:08:11.76\00:08:15.16 talkative early in the morning. " 00:08:15.19\00:08:16.74 That's right, that's what you told me. 00:08:17.66\00:08:19.27 "I'm not a morning person. " 00:08:19.30\00:08:20.76 So you told me, "Go ahead and talk. " 00:08:20.79\00:08:22.48 And so I would, I can talk any time of the day. 00:08:22.51\00:08:25.22 You know that. 00:08:25.23\00:08:26.23 So I would talk to work, going to work. 00:08:26.35\00:08:28.84 Then I noticed coming home you weren't very talkative. 00:08:29.38\00:08:32.37 And I said, "How come you don't talk to me?" 00:08:32.38\00:08:34.13 And this is after work. 00:08:34.16\00:08:35.39 You've been awake all day, you've worked hard. 00:08:35.40\00:08:37.49 I'm interested to know what your day was like 00:08:37.52\00:08:40.51 and who you talked to and what you did in your job. 00:08:40.54\00:08:44.15 And it seemed that you were very quiet. 00:08:44.18\00:08:46.33 And yet, when we were courting, you would call me all the time 00:08:46.36\00:08:49.89 and tell me all about your day. 00:08:49.92\00:08:51.27 And you know, folks, what I was experiencing, 00:08:51.81\00:08:54.23 and I didn't realize all this at the time, 00:08:54.47\00:08:56.21 but I was feeling pressure now because now I was in 00:08:56.24\00:08:59.75 the real life, I was in these stressful situations. 00:08:59.78\00:09:02.98 Now here's my wife putting pressure on me that I'm 00:09:03.01\00:09:07.12 not communicating right. 00:09:07.15\00:09:09.02 And so she started feeling this pressure and I started 00:09:09.80\00:09:13.88 feeling the pressure, and the little walls started 00:09:13.91\00:09:17.02 going up between us. 00:09:17.05\00:09:18.72 And I started thinking, "You really don't seem like 00:09:18.75\00:09:21.40 the same person that I married either. " 00:09:21.43\00:09:23.07 You know, you were this bubbly vivacious woman. 00:09:23.77\00:09:27.01 You know, you were very confident and organized 00:09:27.83\00:09:31.55 and on top of things. 00:09:31.58\00:09:32.63 And now I started noticing that you're withdrawing. 00:09:32.66\00:09:36.47 And I'm thinking, "Well, is this just because, you know. 00:09:37.38\00:09:39.76 What is she really like? 00:09:40.83\00:09:42.00 Did I really not get to know her?" 00:09:42.03\00:09:43.39 And so the walls started coming up between us. 00:09:43.79\00:09:46.53 And I think at that time, we didn't even recognize 00:09:46.88\00:09:49.44 those walls were being built. 00:09:49.47\00:09:50.92 I think that we both were in a new phase that we had 00:09:50.95\00:09:55.22 never experienced before. 00:09:55.25\00:09:56.55 And when I married you, I just expected that you were 00:09:56.58\00:10:00.01 just going to make me a part of every aspect of your life. 00:10:00.04\00:10:04.22 And that's what I was wanting you to become in my life. 00:10:04.23\00:10:07.72 And so I was pressuring you, questioning you, 00:10:07.75\00:10:10.85 I want you to do this for me. 00:10:10.88\00:10:12.76 And that was making you pull back. 00:10:12.79\00:10:15.50 And yet I was trying to include myself into your life 00:10:15.53\00:10:18.92 and all these other areas. 00:10:18.95\00:10:20.28 And that wasn't what you were expecting, and so you were 00:10:20.29\00:10:23.23 kind of, you know, a little bit shy of that. 00:10:23.26\00:10:25.45 You know, you liked to be with your buddies, 00:10:25.48\00:10:27.22 you liked to be with your friends at work. 00:10:27.25\00:10:29.33 And then when you'd come home, then you could 00:10:29.36\00:10:31.76 be with your wife. 00:10:31.79\00:10:32.78 And so I think that what happened is we didn't 00:10:32.81\00:10:35.55 recognize that these little things were starting to 00:10:35.58\00:10:39.11 build in our marriage. 00:10:39.14\00:10:41.75 And I found myself at times feeling frustrated and hurt. 00:10:41.76\00:10:48.03 And I think every woman out there knows 00:10:48.06\00:10:50.59 what I'm talking about. 00:10:50.60\00:10:51.69 We can easily be hurt. 00:10:51.72\00:10:53.22 And I found myself responding to you in ways that 00:10:53.25\00:10:57.81 I wasn't accustomed, that I even had done before. 00:10:57.82\00:11:00.51 You know, sarcastically saying sharp things to you. 00:11:00.54\00:11:05.35 Because you weren't meeting my need. 00:11:06.24\00:11:08.28 Or my perceived need. 00:11:08.31\00:11:09.94 And I wasn't really understanding you. 00:11:09.95\00:11:11.99 And I wasn't being sensitive to you and I didn't 00:11:12.57\00:11:14.98 recognize these things. 00:11:15.01\00:11:16.15 And so I remember it got to the point for you 00:11:16.18\00:11:19.07 that there were times I could actually walk in the kitchen, 00:11:19.10\00:11:21.95 you know, several months down the road in our marriage, 00:11:21.96\00:11:25.67 I could walk in the kitchen and you would have a reaction. 00:11:25.70\00:11:30.96 Do you remember that? 00:11:30.99\00:11:31.99 Oh yes. 00:11:32.02\00:11:33.07 I mean, there were times that I'd actually start 00:11:33.10\00:11:35.19 seeing your hand shake, and you would start fumbling. 00:11:35.22\00:11:39.48 And instead of me having tenderness and pity for you 00:11:39.51\00:11:44.46 and being sympathetic, it irritated me. 00:11:44.49\00:11:48.16 It was like, what is going on here? 00:11:48.19\00:11:50.52 Where is this vivacious wonderful woman that I married? 00:11:50.55\00:11:55.41 And I found myself just withering away and withdrawing. 00:11:56.21\00:11:59.14 And, you know, when you would respond that way, 00:11:59.17\00:12:03.12 I would feel like I wasn't doing things right. 00:12:03.15\00:12:05.19 And so I would try really hard. 00:12:05.22\00:12:06.60 And, you know, I might cut myself or burn myself. 00:12:06.63\00:12:08.97 And it seemed like once a week, I had a new injury somewhere 00:12:09.00\00:12:12.13 from being in the kitchen. 00:12:12.16\00:12:13.19 And I think also that I didn't understand the effects, 00:12:13.59\00:12:20.52 something was happening different in me that I 00:12:20.55\00:12:22.78 had never experienced. 00:12:22.81\00:12:23.83 The effects of the birth control that I had been put on 00:12:23.86\00:12:26.66 was really messing up my thoughts 00:12:26.69\00:12:29.10 and my emotional stability. 00:12:29.13\00:12:30.89 Which having never experienced that before... 00:12:30.93\00:12:33.50 Not to mention your hormones. 00:12:33.53\00:12:34.61 Yes, really. 00:12:34.64\00:12:35.68 But we didn't know that was a factor at the time. 00:12:36.39\00:12:38.57 But it was a very real factor, we discovered later. 00:12:38.60\00:12:41.74 But it only made these things more difficult to deal with. 00:12:41.77\00:12:45.25 And, you know, as we've had the opportunity to talk with 00:12:45.28\00:12:48.43 many, many couples over the years, we were entering into 00:12:48.44\00:12:52.71 what I now call, the fatal cycle. 00:12:52.72\00:12:55.58 And we have seen scores of couples enter this fatal cycle, 00:12:56.18\00:12:59.73 not even knowing that they're entering into it. 00:12:59.76\00:13:02.05 And for us, the fatal cycle for me, without even realizing it, 00:13:02.39\00:13:06.44 I was living a single lifestyle and trying to fit you into it, 00:13:06.47\00:13:12.48 as a married man. 00:13:12.51\00:13:13.69 I didn't even know it. 00:13:13.72\00:13:14.78 I was just trying to fit you. 00:13:14.81\00:13:16.45 I wanted to keep all my interests, all my friends, 00:13:17.12\00:13:19.44 all my buddies, and I wanted to fit you in. 00:13:19.47\00:13:22.87 And that's not how you viewed the marriage. 00:13:23.28\00:13:25.28 I didn't know I viewed it that way, but that was what was 00:13:25.31\00:13:27.48 beginning our fatal cycle; is me trying to fit you 00:13:27.51\00:13:31.28 in to my lifestyle. 00:13:31.31\00:13:32.88 I was holding a single life, and didn't even realize it, 00:13:32.91\00:13:36.22 while I was a married man. 00:13:36.25\00:13:37.58 Well, sometimes when we were together in the evenings, 00:13:39.13\00:13:41.57 there were many happy times, but there were also 00:13:41.60\00:13:44.25 some evenings that were quite stressful. 00:13:44.28\00:13:46.43 It depended upon how responsive you would be 00:13:46.46\00:13:50.76 to me, at least coming home. 00:13:50.79\00:13:53.30 And if you were more withdrawn or quiet, then I would 00:13:53.33\00:13:55.70 find myself withdrawing from you. 00:13:55.73\00:13:57.42 And my communication with you, again, would be a little 00:13:57.45\00:14:00.61 sharper or more indifferent, like, "You can't really touch me 00:14:00.64\00:14:04.18 or, you know, you're not going to hurt my feelings. " 00:14:04.21\00:14:06.50 But it really wasn't true, it was a cover up. 00:14:07.28\00:14:09.45 Well, we're going to talk about that. 00:14:09.48\00:14:12.39 We need to take a break here, but when we come back, 00:14:12.42\00:14:14.69 we want to talk about where that fatal cycle led us 00:14:14.70\00:14:18.41 and how God broke through to restore us. 00:14:19.01\00:14:23.88 There are many "How To" books available, 00:14:30.12\00:14:32.27 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 00:14:32.30\00:14:35.50 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 00:14:35.53\00:14:37.86 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 00:14:37.89\00:14:41.88 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 00:14:41.91\00:14:44.65 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 00:14:44.68\00:14:47.59 and everyone in between. 00:14:47.62\00:14:49.05 Simply call or write for your free copy. 00:14:49.08\00:14:51.62 Welcome back. 00:15:02.55\00:15:03.65 We're talking about how we became one. 00:15:03.68\00:15:07.29 And so far, we haven't really given you much evidence 00:15:08.16\00:15:11.26 that we're doing a very good job. 00:15:11.29\00:15:12.61 But, stay with us because I really was in love with my wife 00:15:12.64\00:15:19.14 and she was in love with me. 00:15:19.17\00:15:21.12 But, you know, as we've talked to so many couples, 00:15:21.78\00:15:25.48 this is not so uncommon in marriage. 00:15:25.51\00:15:28.76 Many people just don't know how to deal with it. 00:15:29.17\00:15:32.04 So we're going to be talking about how God takes these 00:15:32.07\00:15:36.66 difficult situations and makes a marriage that's 00:15:36.69\00:15:41.62 truly heart to heart; heart to heart with God 00:15:41.65\00:15:44.23 and heart to heart with one another. 00:15:44.26\00:15:46.21 So here we are, we're back at this dreadful evening, dear. 00:15:46.24\00:15:50.38 I remember it very well. 00:15:51.32\00:15:52.80 Probably too well. 00:15:52.83\00:15:54.17 I'm thankful that as we recount this evening and the pain 00:15:54.83\00:16:00.03 that was there, we are past that. 00:16:00.06\00:16:02.95 And we got past it very soon after that evening. 00:16:03.33\00:16:06.96 Because God is going to do great things in people's lives. 00:16:06.99\00:16:10.52 God does want those people out there to have 00:16:10.55\00:16:13.55 a marriage heart to heart. 00:16:13.58\00:16:14.58 That's right, He still does miracles every day 00:16:14.60\00:16:17.48 in our hearts. 00:16:17.51\00:16:19.00 And that's the exciting thing about God, is He's bigger 00:16:19.03\00:16:22.94 than all of our problems. 00:16:22.97\00:16:24.13 And He has a way to heal those hurts and fix those problems 00:16:24.16\00:16:28.76 and really bring us heart to heart. 00:16:28.79\00:16:30.55 And sometimes we have to go through some hard things 00:16:30.58\00:16:33.83 before we really realize where our solution is. 00:16:33.84\00:16:37.75 So that evening we had another one of our blow ups. 00:16:37.78\00:16:42.51 And you headed one direction and I headed the other. 00:16:44.03\00:16:48.22 And I ended up down in the basement, 00:16:48.87\00:16:50.65 the basement of our house. 00:16:50.68\00:16:52.44 And I was sitting down there and I was feeling 00:16:53.20\00:16:55.81 pretty sorry for myself. 00:16:55.84\00:16:57.12 You didn't know that at the time. 00:16:57.15\00:16:58.30 But I was sitting there thinking, "Here we go again. " 00:16:58.33\00:17:04.11 I was so frustrated, so upset, and I was so focused 00:17:04.48\00:17:09.25 on my selfishness. 00:17:09.28\00:17:10.86 And I didn't know what to do. 00:17:12.09\00:17:14.31 I was questioning our marriage, I was questioning, 00:17:14.98\00:17:17.75 "What is going on here?" 00:17:17.78\00:17:19.25 And I don't know what was happening with you. 00:17:19.99\00:17:21.49 What was going on with you upstairs? 00:17:21.52\00:17:23.22 Well, I started to go to the bedroom, but realized I didn't 00:17:23.76\00:17:28.49 want to go there because I figured when you came back up, 00:17:28.52\00:17:30.82 that's where you'd find me. 00:17:30.85\00:17:31.92 So I went into the office because I figured you 00:17:31.95\00:17:35.12 wouldn't find me there so quickly. 00:17:35.15\00:17:36.73 But I was feeling quite hurt, again, and feeling 00:17:37.13\00:17:41.01 very discouraged. 00:17:41.04\00:17:42.30 And yet in my heart, I knew you loved me 00:17:42.33\00:17:44.70 and I knew I loved you. 00:17:44.73\00:17:46.20 And I was confident that God had brought us together. 00:17:46.50\00:17:49.25 Amen. 00:17:49.28\00:17:50.27 You know, sometimes these difficulties 00:17:50.36\00:17:52.20 cause us to question. 00:17:52.23\00:17:53.78 But we can't really question. 00:17:53.81\00:17:55.56 We have to believe that when we join as husband and wife, 00:17:55.59\00:17:59.58 we are making that commitment to one another forever 00:17:59.61\00:18:02.59 and before God. 00:18:02.62\00:18:03.80 And that's a forever commitment. 00:18:03.83\00:18:05.06 Amen. 00:18:05.09\00:18:06.09 And I was really questioning in my own mind, you know, 00:18:06.10\00:18:11.88 "What's wrong with me? Am I losing it?" 00:18:11.91\00:18:14.99 And so I turned my focus off of you and I started 00:18:15.59\00:18:18.86 looking at myself, but not in a positive way. 00:18:18.89\00:18:22.29 In a very negative way. 00:18:22.32\00:18:23.86 And so it brought me more and more discouragement, 00:18:24.16\00:18:26.62 and I found myself feeling incapably even of making 00:18:26.65\00:18:31.56 simple decisions and fearful of not knowing how to react. 00:18:31.59\00:18:36.55 I'm sorry I put you through that, dear. 00:18:37.07\00:18:38.82 I forgave you a long time ago. 00:18:39.06\00:18:40.69 It was my own choice. 00:18:41.57\00:18:42.80 But you know, that night as I was sitting down there 00:18:42.83\00:18:44.71 in the basement, I was thinking about myself 00:18:44.74\00:18:49.41 and what's wrong with you. 00:18:49.44\00:18:51.44 It was a "me" focus. 00:18:51.47\00:18:53.02 And we're going to be talking about that. 00:18:53.05\00:18:54.63 But you know, I didn't understand how God really 00:18:55.71\00:18:58.28 speaks to us in that still small voice. 00:18:58.31\00:19:01.49 But that night, I'll never forget, that night as I was 00:19:01.52\00:19:04.52 sitting there on the couch, this thought came so vividly. 00:19:04.55\00:19:08.19 It might as well have been an audible voice. 00:19:08.22\00:19:09.75 It wasn't an audible voice, but the Holy Spirit came through 00:19:09.78\00:19:13.16 so forcibly, and this is the thought that came to me. 00:19:13.19\00:19:15.90 "If you don't stop picking on you wife, 00:19:15.91\00:19:19.54 you will destroy her. " 00:19:19.57\00:19:22.32 Ohhh. 00:19:23.20\00:19:24.40 It just sat me back, there on the couch. 00:19:24.91\00:19:27.53 And suddenly, for the first time I got my mind off myself 00:19:28.19\00:19:33.20 and I started thinking about you. 00:19:33.23\00:19:36.29 And I started realizing, this is my problem. 00:19:37.09\00:19:41.03 It's not just your problem, it's not what you are doing 00:19:41.04\00:19:44.18 or not doing, I've got a problem. 00:19:44.21\00:19:46.62 And so this is the next thought that the Lord brought to me 00:19:47.55\00:19:51.00 when I started to open my heart to the Lord there on the couch; 00:19:51.03\00:19:55.48 think of 10 things that you love and appreciate about your wife. 00:19:56.45\00:20:01.68 Ten things. 00:20:03.17\00:20:04.48 Now today, if I had to think of ten things about my wife that 00:20:05.11\00:20:08.78 I love and appreciate, it would be a very easy thing to do. 00:20:08.81\00:20:11.62 But that night, because of what we had been through, 00:20:12.19\00:20:14.44 it was not an easy thing. 00:20:15.31\00:20:16.33 And I sat there, and the only thing that I 00:20:16.36\00:20:18.94 could think of was... 00:20:18.97\00:20:20.30 I was a good cook. 00:20:21.41\00:20:22.41 ...a great cook. 00:20:22.44\00:20:23.44 I know. 00:20:23.68\00:20:24.68 But that had already caused great conflict in our marriage 00:20:25.79\00:20:28.52 because I said you were a great cook, didn't I. 00:20:28.55\00:20:31.35 Daily, daily, that was my great compliment. 00:20:31.80\00:20:34.31 I said to you one day, "Honey, I want to be 00:20:34.34\00:20:36.14 more than a cook to you. " 00:20:36.17\00:20:37.46 And so here I was trying to think of ten things, 00:20:39.17\00:20:42.22 that's all the Lord is asking me to do, think of ten things 00:20:42.25\00:20:44.97 that I love and appreciate about my wife. 00:20:45.00\00:20:46.55 And I couldn't. 00:20:46.58\00:20:47.56 And I cried out to the Lord. I said, "Oh God, help me. " 00:20:48.21\00:20:52.50 I saw my need, I saw the direction that I was going 00:20:53.19\00:20:57.29 and where it was taking us. 00:20:57.32\00:20:58.93 We were in a fatal cycle. 00:20:58.96\00:21:00.59 And I cried out to the Lord. 00:21:01.32\00:21:02.63 And the Lord began to open my heart. 00:21:03.81\00:21:05.63 And the thoughts began to flow and I started getting excited. 00:21:05.66\00:21:10.19 And I started writing things down. 00:21:10.20\00:21:12.60 And I got so excited, I wanted to come upstairs and find you 00:21:12.63\00:21:16.68 and tell you what great things God was doing in me. 00:21:16.71\00:21:19.62 And then the Lord restrained me. 00:21:19.92\00:21:21.21 The restraint was, "No. " 00:21:22.23\00:21:24.05 No. 00:21:24.65\00:21:25.65 "You need to demonstrate this love and appreciation. 00:21:25.68\00:21:29.59 Don't speak about it, don't tell her all these things 00:21:29.79\00:21:33.48 that you love and appreciate about her. 00:21:33.51\00:21:35.18 Demonstrate that love to her. " 00:21:35.21\00:21:38.43 And do you remember, I came up. 00:21:40.35\00:21:42.32 And you did find me. 00:21:42.96\00:21:44.40 I found you. 00:21:44.43\00:21:45.58 And when I found you and I saw you sitting in the corner 00:21:45.94\00:21:49.86 of our office on the floor, huddled, broken hearted, 00:21:49.89\00:21:55.29 weeping, God broke through to my heart. 00:21:55.32\00:21:58.86 Remember that moment? 00:21:59.72\00:22:00.91 Oh, I do. 00:22:00.94\00:22:01.94 I heard you coming up the stairs and I kind of 00:22:02.34\00:22:04.98 snuggled into my corner because I was embarrassed 00:22:05.01\00:22:07.71 for where I was and I knew that I wasn't coping 00:22:07.72\00:22:11.60 the way I should be. 00:22:11.61\00:22:12.72 And as you came up and you stood in the door, 00:22:12.75\00:22:16.03 after you looked for me in the bedrooms, 00:22:16.06\00:22:18.26 you stood in the door and you saw me there. 00:22:18.29\00:22:21.04 I sensed that moment of hesitation and contemplation. 00:22:22.57\00:22:27.33 And then you spoke so gently and so tenderly. 00:22:27.34\00:22:32.30 I mean, it's just as if you just spoke those words to me, 00:22:32.33\00:22:34.95 "Honey, I'm sorry. 00:22:34.98\00:22:37.71 I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. " 00:22:38.41\00:22:40.23 The first thing that you told me is that you were sorry, 00:22:41.00\00:22:43.43 and then you said, "Honey, I love you. " 00:22:43.46\00:22:45.21 And then you started coming into the room, 00:22:45.24\00:22:47.30 then you knelt down by me there on the floor. 00:22:47.83\00:22:50.80 And of course, I was embarrassed for being there. 00:22:50.83\00:22:53.09 But I was so embarrassed, I didn't even 00:22:53.60\00:22:56.06 really want to look up. 00:22:56.09\00:22:57.26 And then you shared with me what was really in your heart. 00:22:57.88\00:23:01.92 And as you shared it with me, I mean, I found 00:23:03.06\00:23:06.93 my heart just opening up like a flower to the sunshine. 00:23:06.96\00:23:10.91 And... 00:23:11.49\00:23:12.51 I find myself reliving the emotion at the moment. 00:23:12.52\00:23:15.01 It was very meaningful and very tender, wasn't it. 00:23:15.56\00:23:18.45 It was a turning point in our relationship. 00:23:19.66\00:23:22.56 Amen. 00:23:22.59\00:23:23.66 And as you spoke those words and you told me, you said, 00:23:23.69\00:23:27.31 "God has put it in my heart to show appreciation towards you. 00:23:27.34\00:23:32.70 And I'm going to demonstrate these things. 00:23:33.52\00:23:35.39 I have written ten things. " 00:23:35.40\00:23:36.74 You told me how you wrote them on the paper 00:23:36.77\00:23:38.56 and that you weren't going to let me read your list. 00:23:38.57\00:23:40.85 And I really wanted to read it because wanted to know 00:23:41.14\00:23:43.30 what was on that list. 00:23:43.33\00:23:44.54 But you weren't going to let me read it. 00:23:44.57\00:23:46.31 You said, "I'm going to demonstrate these to you. 00:23:46.34\00:23:48.55 I'm going to show you and then you tell me how I'm doing. 00:23:48.58\00:23:53.03 You figure out that list by how I live and how I treat you 00:23:53.06\00:23:56.72 and how I respond to you. " 00:23:56.75\00:23:58.64 And then, I'm still not looking at you except, you know, 00:23:59.30\00:24:02.75 under my arm there. 00:24:02.78\00:24:03.80 And then you said to me, "And I want you to know 00:24:03.83\00:24:06.70 that being a good cook is not one of them. " 00:24:08.08\00:24:11.11 And with that, I tell you, my head popped up 00:24:11.63\00:24:14.65 and a laugh came just right out. 00:24:14.68\00:24:17.63 Do you remember that? I just burst out laughing. 00:24:17.66\00:24:19.69 And then all that pent up emotion. 00:24:19.70\00:24:22.00 Because we really did love each other. 00:24:22.03\00:24:24.04 But we had so long, or in our own ways, quietly subtly 00:24:24.05\00:24:29.03 built these walls that were barricading us from each other. 00:24:29.06\00:24:32.42 And as you spoke those words, and the laughter came, 00:24:32.45\00:24:35.44 you took me by the hand and you looked me right in the eye, 00:24:36.21\00:24:39.84 and you said, "I really do love you. " 00:24:39.85\00:24:41.53 And it was so meaningful. 00:24:42.19\00:24:44.17 It was like the past was done, we're in a new life, 00:24:44.20\00:24:48.16 and we're going to move forward from this point on. 00:24:48.17\00:24:50.29 And you knew at that moment that I really did love you. 00:24:51.42\00:24:53.87 I did, and I was convinced. 00:24:54.27\00:24:56.17 I knew it before too. 00:24:56.20\00:24:57.56 The beauty of that situation was that you already knew 00:24:57.59\00:25:00.22 I loved you, but now you were experiencing that love. 00:25:00.25\00:25:05.61 And I remember embracing you there in that moment. 00:25:06.01\00:25:10.17 That was a very special moment. 00:25:10.20\00:25:12.11 You know, Ephesians 4:32 says, "Be ye kind one to another, 00:25:12.79\00:25:19.09 tenderhearted, forgiving one another, 00:25:19.98\00:25:23.47 even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. " 00:25:23.50\00:25:28.53 You know, one of the things that I remember most about that 00:25:29.25\00:25:32.09 evening was your forgiveness. 00:25:32.12\00:25:35.92 That true forgiveness that only comes from God. 00:25:36.98\00:25:39.83 And it's beautiful. 00:25:40.70\00:25:41.79 And it's the only place that it can come from 00:25:41.82\00:25:43.68 because we cannot generate that forgiveness in and of ourselves. 00:25:43.71\00:25:47.49 Not only did I forgive you that night, honey, 00:25:49.70\00:25:51.78 but you also forgave me; my selfishness and 00:25:51.81\00:25:55.03 my self-focus and my stubbornness. 00:25:55.06\00:25:57.27 And it's never been the same since. 00:25:57.28\00:25:59.16 We had a new start and it's only gotten better. 00:25:59.19\00:26:02.33 Now I never saw the original list, but I knew what they were. 00:26:02.73\00:26:06.72 But I have a new list you gave me a few years ago. 00:26:06.75\00:26:09.07 It has 54 things on it that you love and appreciate about me. 00:26:09.10\00:26:12.80 And the exciting thing is that I know them because that's 00:26:12.83\00:26:15.33 how you treat me, that's how you live towards me every day. 00:26:15.36\00:26:18.68 Well, it's wonderful because I could write a new list 00:26:18.71\00:26:21.81 probably every day. 00:26:21.84\00:26:22.99 Because love continues to grow. 00:26:23.02\00:26:24.78 And we do have a marriage that's heart to heart. 00:26:24.81\00:26:27.20 And we want this for you, our listening and viewing audience, 00:26:27.23\00:26:31.44 to have that kind of marriage. 00:26:31.45\00:26:32.99 It only comes through Christ. 00:26:33.02\00:26:34.44 And if you find yourself in a stressful difficult situation 00:26:34.84\00:26:38.23 in your marriage, God can give you the answers. 00:26:38.26\00:26:41.64 Be willing to go to God, cry out like we did, 00:26:42.04\00:26:45.29 and God will be there for you. 00:26:45.32\00:26:46.99 In fact, I think it would be great right now 00:26:47.02\00:26:48.76 if we prayed together. 00:26:48.79\00:26:49.80 Father in heaven, we do thank You for the opportunity 00:26:51.10\00:26:53.39 to come to You in every situation. 00:26:53.42\00:26:55.29 You're the creator of life and of marriage. 00:26:56.01\00:26:58.76 We know in coming into oneness with You, 00:26:59.16\00:27:01.28 it's only then that we come into oneness; 00:27:01.31\00:27:03.97 to become one with each other and have a marriage 00:27:04.00\00:27:06.98 that's heart to heart. 00:27:07.01\00:27:08.02 Bless us to that end. 00:27:08.50\00:27:09.66 Through Jesus Christ we pray, amen. 00:27:09.69\00:27:12.69 Well, we're going to be talking about something that everybody 00:27:14.24\00:27:16.72 experiences, and that is, the two "me's" or the one "us". 00:27:16.75\00:27:21.70 What do you like better, the "me" focus or the "us" focus? 00:27:22.26\00:27:25.97 I'd rather have one "us" than two "me's". 00:27:26.00\00:27:27.93 That's right, and so we need to move from the "me" focus 00:27:27.96\00:27:32.11 to the "us" focus. 00:27:32.12\00:27:33.61 Because we're just focused on ourselves 00:27:33.64\00:27:36.51 when we're in a "me" focus. 00:27:36.54\00:27:37.52 It's a very selfish focus. 00:27:37.55\00:27:38.66 So that's what we're going to be talking about 00:27:38.69\00:27:40.83 when we get together next time; two "me's" or one "us", 00:27:40.86\00:27:45.10 on Marriage Heart To Heart. 00:27:45.13\00:27:46.49