I sat in the waiting
room of the abortion clinic,
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knowing I was violating
everything I believed in
00:00:02.73\00:00:04.63
by being here.
00:00:04.67\00:00:06.13
But I didn't know what to do.
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I felt I had no choice.
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The baby's father was
my high school teacher.
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Join me today on
Life After Choice
00:00:12.24\00:00:13.94
to hear the rest of my story.
00:00:13.98\00:00:15.31
My name is Grace.
Welcome to Life After Choice.
00:00:30.53\00:00:33.66
My story starts when
I was in high school.
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I grew up in a
nice Christian home,
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both my parents
worked for the church.
00:00:37.70\00:00:39.63
I had a rock-solid faith in God.
00:00:39.67\00:00:42.24
But all of that
started to change
00:00:42.27\00:00:43.61
when my favorite
teacher in high school
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asked me to be his
aid during my free period.
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He's been a mentor
to me for many years.
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We were very close.
00:00:49.71\00:00:51.08
So I was happy to say, yes.
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I started
staying late after school
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to help him grade
papers and make photocopies.
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I enjoyed it because it gave
us more time together to talk.
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He had a way of making me
feel heard and understood,
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and I started sharing
more and more of my heart
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until eventually,
I had shared it all.
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I had fallen in love with him.
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Now having a
crush on your teacher
00:01:11.50\00:01:13.20
is similar to having
a crush on a celebrity.
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You idolize them,
you look up to them,
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you know, they're
out of your league,
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and you definitely don't think
anything will come of it, so.
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When he confessed
he had feelings for me,
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I couldn't have been
more shocked and excited,
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if Brad Pitt
himself had to confess
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his undying love.
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After that, we
began dating in secret.
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He took me for
rides and fancy dates
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on his Mercedes Benz,
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and whisked me
away on his motorcycle.
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He made me feel as
if I were a princess
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and I thought he
was my prince charming.
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He quickly became more
to me than just my teacher.
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He had become my everything.
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Many times over the
years, I had discussed with him,
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my decision to wait
till marriage to have sex.
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And he always told me
that he was proud of me
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because not many girls my age
cared about that sort of thing.
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But Mr. Everything
was 33, and I was 18.
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And he was much more experienced
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in the romance
department than I was.
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I hadn't even had
a boyfriend before.
00:02:12.19\00:02:14.60
And so when it came to sex,
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I figured it
was more of a matter
00:02:16.40\00:02:17.73
of when it would
happen than a matter of if.
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It didn't take long
for me to realize that
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we weren't equals he and I.
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I was used to
having to raise my hand
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and ask permission
to go to the bathroom.
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So when it...
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Now that we were
technically in a relationship,
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was I still
supposed to call him Mr.
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or could I call
him by his first name?
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I became acutely aware
of my inferiority to him.
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And my greatest
fear was that one day
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he'd wake up and realize it too.
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His love for me made me
feel as if I were a woman.
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I couldn't bear for him
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to think of me as a little girl.
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And then it happened.
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A day I'll never forget.
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January 7, 2011, the
day everything changed.
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My parents were out of
town and so Mr. Everything
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came over to my
house to stay the night.
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I was wearing my purity ring,
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but that didn't stop me
from losing my virginity
00:03:06.95\00:03:08.92
on my little mermaid bunk beds.
00:03:08.95\00:03:11.82
Now I know most
people who hear the story
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are likely to wanna put
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100% of the blame on my teacher.
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But I knew what I was doing.
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I wasn't afraid
that if I said no,
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that he would fail me and...
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Or he never
forced me to do anything.
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This isn't, you know,
to excuse his part in it,
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but I was also responsible.
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The fact is,
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I had made him more
important than anything else.
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I had allowed him to
become my everything.
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He had taken the
place of God in my life.
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And so when it
came down to choosing
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between sticking to my faith,
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and the
possibility of losing him,
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I caved.
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Now, January gets
pretty cold where I'm from,
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and I started feeling
a bit under the weather.
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After several weeks,
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I came down with a
full blown case of the flu.
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At least, I
thought it was the flu.
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I was lethargic, I was nauseous,
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I couldn't eat anything.
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Mr. Everything was starting
to get a little concerned
00:04:07.38\00:04:10.08
and suggested that I
take a pregnancy test.
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I couldn't believe it
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when I stared down on
the pink little plus sign,
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which told me that I
did not have the flu.
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Pregnant?
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How could this happen?
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I didn't know
anything about pregnancy.
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I don't even know
what a cervix was,
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until I started
taking anatomy in college.
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Obviously, my
first reaction was panic,
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but then I realized
maybe this wasn't so bad.
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Mr. Everything
said that he loved me.
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I dreamed of us getting
married and starting a family.
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I started
picking out baby names.
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I wonder if it
would be a boy or girl.
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I started getting a
little bit excited, actually.
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Obviously, Mr. Everything
wasn't exactly thrilled.
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Immediately, his
first reaction was
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that we just need to
get the baby taken care of.
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"Taken care of?" I asked.
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"What do you mean?"
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He said, "Well,
obviously we can't keep it.
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People will find out.
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I'll lose my job, I
might even go to jail
00:05:02.83\00:05:04.77
and then we'll
never get to be together."
00:05:04.80\00:05:07.54
He promised me
that after I graduated,
00:05:07.57\00:05:09.84
we will get married and then
he would give me all the babies
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that I wanted to
make up for this one.
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As far as he was concerned,
it already been decided.
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We were not having this baby.
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All my life, I believe that
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life begins at conception
and has inherent value,
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and then having an abortion
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is morally equivalent to murder.
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I could have put my foot
down and refused, but I didn't.
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I was afraid of losing him.
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And so for the second time,
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bowing to the idol
that he had become,
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I caved.
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In order to stay alive,
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the relationship
demanded yet another sacrifice,
00:05:42.87\00:05:45.17
this time the
life of my firstborn.
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So instead of walking down
the aisle on my white dress,
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I found myself walking through
the doors of abortion clinic.
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How had I gotten here?
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I was numb.
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I remember praying that
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there would be pro-life
protesters there that day
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blocking the
way, but they weren't.
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I sat down with the doctors,
he explained the procedure,
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but didn't answer
any of my questions.
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Will the baby feel it?
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Would I ever be
able to have kids again?
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And was it too late to back out.
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Next came the news
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that the anesthesiologist
wasn't there that day,
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and so they wouldn't
be able to put me under.
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But Mr. Everything said
that we had to do it today
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because we had both
skip school to be here.
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So the doctor had no choice
but to go through the procedure
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using conscious sedation.
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I was awake the whole time.
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I could still feel
everything that was happening,
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and I could still
hear all the noises.
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I wondered how my life had
turned into such a nightmare
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and how long
until I would wake up.
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After that,
nothing was the same.
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Mr. Everything
pulled away from me.
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He said there is
too much suspicion
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going around at school
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and people were
starting to ask questions,
00:07:02.38\00:07:04.35
and he didn't
want to risk exposure.
00:07:04.39\00:07:06.59
But I already felt exposed.
00:07:06.62\00:07:08.86
I felt like I
had the word murder
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all written across my forehead
and then everyone can see it.
00:07:10.36\00:07:14.53
The immensity of my
loss, hit me like a semi.
00:07:14.56\00:07:17.80
I had lost not
only my virginity,
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but the baby, and
now Mr. Everything.
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I had fallen so far.
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And I was all alone.
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Now, graduation came and went,
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and it was time
to start college.
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I started school at
a public university.
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And I saw how
other kids on campus
00:07:36.75\00:07:38.62
would go to
parties, get drunk, hook up,
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and they were
having a great time.
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They didn't seem to
be suffering from guilt
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the way that I was.
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It wasn't fair.
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How can they get to
do whatever they wanted
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and not feel bad about it?
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And I had to suffer like this.
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I started to think that
00:07:53.50\00:07:54.84
maybe if I wasn't
a Christian anymore,
00:07:54.87\00:07:56.20
then I wouldn't have
to carry around this,
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this weight of guilt and shame.
00:07:58.21\00:08:01.31
I already felt that God
had turned His back on me.
00:08:01.34\00:08:03.91
How could He look at
me in what I have done
00:08:03.95\00:08:06.08
and not be disappointed?
00:08:06.11\00:08:08.28
I couldn't help but think
of those verses in the Bible
00:08:08.32\00:08:10.49
that say that God hates those
whose hand shed innocent blood,
00:08:10.52\00:08:14.09
and that it was
better for someone
00:08:14.12\00:08:15.46
to tie a
millstone around their neck
00:08:15.49\00:08:17.19
and throw
themselves into the sea,
00:08:17.23\00:08:18.76
then to cause one of
these little ones to stumble.
00:08:18.79\00:08:22.00
And I knew that those
verses were talking about me.
00:08:22.03\00:08:26.07
I felt like I had
committed the unpardonable sin.
00:08:26.10\00:08:28.97
And my guilt and shame
weighed so heavily upon me
00:08:29.00\00:08:32.11
that it was
difficult to breathe.
00:08:32.14\00:08:35.31
Now what I couldn't see,
00:08:35.34\00:08:37.01
was how God was
working behind the scenes,
00:08:37.05\00:08:39.05
setting up a chain of
events in order to rescue me.
00:08:39.08\00:08:41.85
Right about the time I was
about to walk away from God,
00:08:41.88\00:08:43.49
all together, I
got the opportunity
00:08:43.52\00:08:45.25
to transfer from
the public university
00:08:45.29\00:08:46.86
I was currently attending
00:08:46.89\00:08:48.22
to Southern
Adventist University.
00:08:48.26\00:08:49.96
Southern decided to
host a Purity Emphasis Week
00:08:49.99\00:08:52.09
and I knew that I
would not be attending.
00:08:52.13\00:08:54.40
The last thing I
needed was to be preached that
00:08:54.43\00:08:56.20
reminded how your
virginity is a special gift
00:08:56.23\00:08:58.63
you can only give
once to your husband.
00:08:58.67\00:09:00.74
Not lot of good
that did me then.
00:09:00.77\00:09:03.17
But I felt something
compelling me to go anyways,
00:09:03.20\00:09:06.07
and so not without
knowing why I went.
00:09:06.11\00:09:08.68
A lady by the name of Sue Moore
from Forgiven Much Ministries
00:09:08.71\00:09:11.58
was the speaker for the evening.
00:09:11.61\00:09:13.38
She didn't go up
there and talk about
00:09:13.42\00:09:14.75
how we all need to do better job
00:09:14.78\00:09:16.48
of being like the
Proverbs 31 woman,
00:09:16.52\00:09:18.75
instead, she said that
00:09:18.79\00:09:20.12
we as a church need to
start getting comfortable
00:09:20.16\00:09:21.89
with uncomfortable topics,
00:09:21.92\00:09:23.29
and she simply told her story.
00:09:23.32\00:09:25.83
Her story was raw,
messy and unedited.
00:09:25.86\00:09:28.36
It was exactly
what I needed to hear.
00:09:28.40\00:09:30.67
Her vulnerability and
authenticity stunned me.
00:09:30.70\00:09:33.44
How was she able to go up
in front of all these people
00:09:33.47\00:09:35.70
and share the story of her shame
00:09:35.74\00:09:37.07
while emanating
such an aura of peace?
00:09:37.11\00:09:39.64
After the service,
00:09:39.67\00:09:41.01
I found myself
walking up to the front
00:09:41.04\00:09:42.38
where Sue was and I
collapsed into her arms,
00:09:42.41\00:09:44.55
a complete stranger and
told her my whole story.
00:09:44.58\00:09:48.42
And she listened.
00:09:48.45\00:09:49.78
She connected me with
a special group on campus
00:09:49.82\00:09:52.22
that focused on sexual healing.
00:09:52.25\00:09:54.49
The group leader's
name was Brandy Kierstone,
00:09:54.52\00:09:56.66
and she became a spiritual guide
00:09:56.69\00:09:58.19
and mentor to me.
00:09:58.23\00:10:00.53
Brandy went online
and found out about
00:10:00.56\00:10:02.43
this special women's
retreat that was for women
00:10:02.46\00:10:05.00
who have experienced an abortion
00:10:05.03\00:10:06.37
and were looking for healing.
00:10:06.40\00:10:07.94
And God knew how
much I needed him
00:10:07.97\00:10:10.84
to intervene on my behalf.
00:10:10.87\00:10:12.57
He was chasing after me hard,
but I just didn't know it yet.
00:10:12.61\00:10:16.11
Randomly, one day the
coordinators of the retreat
00:10:16.14\00:10:18.15
called me up and told me
00:10:18.18\00:10:19.51
they had found
an anonymous donor
00:10:19.55\00:10:20.88
who would sponsor
me to go to the retreat
00:10:20.92\00:10:22.25
free of charge.
00:10:22.28\00:10:23.62
All expenses
paid, and so I went.
00:10:23.65\00:10:25.82
When I got there,
00:10:25.85\00:10:27.19
I joined a
handful of other women
00:10:27.22\00:10:28.56
of all ages and backgrounds.
00:10:28.59\00:10:30.63
But we were all
there for the same reason.
00:10:30.66\00:10:33.29
Immediately upon arrival,
they gave each of us a rock,
00:10:33.33\00:10:37.07
about this big
00:10:37.10\00:10:38.43
and said that for the
duration of the retreat,
00:10:38.47\00:10:40.27
we were to take this
with us wherever we went,
00:10:40.30\00:10:42.84
whether it be it's
the bathroom, to meals,
00:10:42.87\00:10:45.17
to shower, or even to sleep,
00:10:45.21\00:10:47.14
we were to take
it with us always,
00:10:47.18\00:10:48.61
to represent the burden of shame
00:10:48.64\00:10:50.05
that we have been carrying.
00:10:50.08\00:10:52.28
And for the first time
my burden became real to me.
00:10:52.31\00:10:55.82
It was a tangible experience
of how incapacitating it was
00:10:55.85\00:10:58.42
to have to carry this
around with me all the time.
00:10:58.45\00:11:02.99
And during that retreat,
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I opened up the Bible
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for the first
time in a long time.
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And I came across
the story of Abraham,
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when God asked him to
give up his son, Isaac.
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I can't imagine how hard
that must have been for Abraham.
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I know what the pain
of losing a child is like,
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especially at your own hand.
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But Abraham
obeyed, he took his son
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and built an
altar and on that altar,
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Abraham was willing and
ready to let his son go.
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But God's not
abandoned him to his pain.
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He provided a way out.
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You know, I've heard
this story many times.
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But in this moment,
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I knew that God
was talking to me.
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God could see how the
pain of losing my childhood
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had been destroying me
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and he was ready to
take that pain away.
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God was asking me to
surrender my child to Him,
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so that He could
provide my way out.
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Jeremiah 31:3-4, says,
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"God appeared
to them from a far,
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saying, 'I have loved
you with an everlasting love.
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I have drawn you
with unfailing kindness.
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I will build you up again
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and you virgin
Israel will be rebuilt.
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Again, you'll take
up your tambourines
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and go out and
dance among the joyful.'"
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The Bible says that God
appeared to them from afar,
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meaning that they
weren't close to God,
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but He was reaching
out to them anyways.
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God here was
addressing the nation of Israel,
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and they were supposed
to be God's chosen people.
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But they had spat in His face,
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they had cheated on
Him with other gods.
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They had prostituted themselves.
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But what did God call them?
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He called them virgins.
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And God doesn't stop there.
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He promises to rebuild them,
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because He loved them too much
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to leave them in
their broken state.
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And this verse is not
just for the Israelites,
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this verse is for me.
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This is what
God thinks about me.
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When God sees me, He
does not see me as broken,
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used and disposable.
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He sees me as Virgin Grace.
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And He promises to rebuild me,
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so that I too may
rejoin the joyful.
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I felt God's healing
arms wrapped around me.
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And I knew that I was
ready for Him to heal me.
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So I took my rock,
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which had been
symbolizing my pain and shame.
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And I used it to
build an altar of my own.
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To represent God's promise that
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He was able to
provide my way out.
00:13:22.90\00:13:25.03
He was able to
provide my way out.
00:13:31.31\00:13:36.51
For the first time,
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I was able to lay down my
burden and breathe freely,
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knowing that
there is such a thing
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as life after choice.
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That doesn't mean
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that my choices
don't have consequences.
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I will regret the
choices that I made
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for the rest of my
life until the day I die.
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I will never know what my
child would have been like.
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I will never get
to watch him grow up.
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And I will never get the
chance to kiss him good night.
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But because of
Jesus and what He's done,
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I don't have to
suffer for that choice,
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until the day I die.
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My guilt and shame
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lead so heavily upon me
and I felt as if I had died,
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but I was given
another chance at new life.
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So this is me.
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This is Grace, reborn.
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