I had one abortion as a non-
Christian, the second abortion
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I had as a Christian. The
second abortion became a secret
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that imprisoned
me for over 30 years.
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How could God reach me and
draw me out of this dark prison?
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Find out on Life After Choice.
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Hello, my name is Loretta
Mix, I am a pastor's wife...
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Welcome to Life After Choice.
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In Jeremiah, God says to
us, "I have loved you with an
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everlasting love, I have
drawn you with loving kindness."
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I want to share with
you my journey through two
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very different abortions
and how God drew me to Him.
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I was raised in a non-Christian
home of six to eight children,
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nothing about religion was
ever talked about in my home.
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I enjoyed being
part of a big family.
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In my childhood I learned that
you have to be beautiful to be
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valuable. My mother always
was telling me that I was ugly,
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that my ears stuck out
and my nose was too big.
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But somehow I knew
that my dad loved me.
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Overall though, I had
a very happy childhood.
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I have had to learn
many things the hard way.
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The first time I got
drunk, I ended up in jail.
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The first time I had
sex, I ended up pregnant.
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I was 20 years old, some of
my family members counseled me
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to have an abortion. Because it
was illegal to have an abortion
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at that time, I ended
up going to a hotel room
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and meeting a physician and
having the procedure done there.
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I felt very little
guilt because I had no clue
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of the value of life
from God's perspective.
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My family was very aware
of what I had gone through.
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At 21 I had no purpose in
life other than having fun.
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I was working in a bar
as a cocktail waitressing...
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cocktail waitress
and living that lifestyle
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drinking, dancing and
friends. One morning I fainted,
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I had never fainted before.
I realized my lifestyle choices
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were affecting my health
and I needed to make a change.
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God used many little
seeds to plant in my heart that
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impacted me. Seeds as
simple as somebody saying,
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God bless you Loretta.
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One day at a doctor's
office when I was 24 years old,
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I picked up one of the blue
Children's Bible Story Books
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and I read the story of creation
for the very first time.
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Wow! There really is a God.
I was invited to a boyfriend's
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house and his grandfather
said the blessing for our food.
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It was the very first
real prayer that I ever heard,
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he sounded like he knew
the God he was talking to.
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I had a physician that
would plant little seeds in me
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whenever I saw him.
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One day he said to me that my
life would be going much better
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if I had a
relationship with the Lord.
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I didn't
understand what he meant.
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Eventually he asked me
if I would like to take
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Bible studies, I
heard myself saying yes.
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I studied with a Bible
instructor and at the age of 25
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I accepted Jesus
Christ as my savior
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and was baptized.
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I had a new freedom, I
was loved, I was cleansed,
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I was forgiven by
God. I was filled with joy.
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As a new Christian, I wanted
to go to a Christian college,
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my family didn't
understand my desire to go away
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to a Christian college, as
none of them were Christians.
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I left my local
church, I left my support.
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The first two
quarters I couldn't qualify for
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financial assistance so I
took a small load of classes
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and worked full time.
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The next fall when I went back
to school, I took a full load
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of classes and
worked two part time jobs.
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I ended up making it
through fall quarter but
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by winter quarter I became
exhausted and overwhelmed.
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I couldn't keep up. While I
was overwhelmed, I was invited
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to go play pool
with an acquaintance.
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I got pregnant that night.
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The guy told me to have an
abortion and do not tell anyone.
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Now I have to make a
choice, adoption or abortion.
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This time I am a Christian.
This time I had nobody I could
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talk to, I had no support.
I couldn't tell my family
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because they were
non- Christians and I was
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supposed to be
the example for them.
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I felt like I
couldn't tell my church because
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what would they think?
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I was afraid, I
felt so terribly alone.
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I struggled with
making a decision.
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Adoption or abortion.
I didn't know what to do.
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Because of my relationship
with my dad, I believed
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every child
should have a father.
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I went to a pregnancy clinic
and basically they set up my
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abortion, there was
no counseling nor anyone
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to talk to about what
would be the best choice for me.
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I had to travel two
hours from the college
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and because of a
terrible snow storm,
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I didn't think the
doctor would be there.
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I had prayed for God to
guide me and I hoped He would
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intervene, but the
doctor was there and I ended up
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going through the
procedure. This second abortion
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became a secret
that became my prison.
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Satan hammered me, you let God
down, you let your family down,
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you let your church down.
What if somebody finds out
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your secret? What
kind of example are you?
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I was a young Christian and
I was a vulnerable target for
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all of the devil's accusations.
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I had an abortion as a
Christian, I failed God,
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my family, my church, I failed
myself. Not only had I failed,
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in my mind, I was a failure.
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Satan kept hammering
me, I hammered myself.
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What if somebody
finds out my secret?
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I dropped out of school again
that winter quarter, finally the
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next fall I had
financial assistance,
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so I went back to
the Christian College
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but I was having a very
hard time, guilt, failure,
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regret, I felt I had betrayed
God, I felt so worthless.
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I couldn't let it go, my
secret was holding me captive.
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I didn't know
how to get beyond it.
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I just didn't believe
that God would still love me.
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Little did I know
about God's persistent love.
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I made it through Fall quarter
and then Winter quarter...
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I had run into the guy
that had gotten me pregnant
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the year before. I was
having a hard time processing
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this abortion, I
thought he would listen.
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I needed somebody to talk
to because I was having such a
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hard time. When he
came in, he said nothing,
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he simply picked me up,
carried me into the bedroom
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and raped me. The rape
made matters much worse.
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I withdrew more, I was
depressed, I had nobody,
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nobody to talk to, I
felt abandoned by God.
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Two abortions, one
as a Christian, one as a
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non-Christian.
What a difference.
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I needed God desperately
but how could I believe
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His persistent love was for me?
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Had God abandoned me?
Was my sin greater than God's
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grace? Satan kept hammering me,
you murderer, you failed God,
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you failed your family,
you better not tell anyone.
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What if somebody finds out?
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I quit school again
and moved back home.
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In my mind, I failed
again, I chose to believe a lie
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about myself
and a lie about God.
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I still couldn't believe God's
persistent love was for me.
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How do you get out of
this self-destructive thinking
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and this prison of secrets?
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How is God able to
deliver someone like me?
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God promises in Deuteronomy,
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"The Lord Himself goes
before you and will be with you,
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He will never leave you nor
forsake you. Do not be afraid."
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"Do not be discouraged."
Could I accept this promise
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for myself? A few years
after the second abortion,
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a young pastor, a minister came
to minister at my local church.
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I was not interested in
him but God drew us together.
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We gave Bible studies together,
we worked together in our
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youth group. We eventually
grew in love and got married.
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I was 30, now I am married
to a Christian, a pastor.
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On our honeymoon,
Satan again hammered me.
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You can't be a
pastor's wife, you're a sinner.
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What if somebody
finds out your secret?
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It took me down again.
Inside or outside our marriage
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looked fine, but
inside I was hurting.
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My husband didn't understand
what I was going through.
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The depression, the guilt,
the lack of worth and the shame.
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The secret was a constant
prison for me and it robbed me
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from being free to enjoy life.
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It affected me as
a wife and mother.
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I was so wounded and depressed,
I couldn't give my family
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what they needed. I was robbed
of the joy of Christianity
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like I had when I
first accepted Christ.
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I felt like others could
be saved but I could not be.
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After several years,
my husband finally told me
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that I was still believing my
mother's lies and Satan's lies.
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I needed to practice
telling myself the truth about
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God's love for me and
His forgiveness for me.
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I had to learn to confront
those lies with the truth
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and make new grooves in
my brain. I had to retrain my
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thinking, I had to learn to
choose to believe God's promises
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were for me. His Word became
the Lamp that led me out of my
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prison and helped me to believe
that His love was for me.
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A few years ago, I was asked
to speak at a Women's Retreat,
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I was going to share
with them my testimony,
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how I came to Christ and my
struggle through breast cancer
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but God impressed me to
speak about my deep dark secret.
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I argued with Him, No
Lord, I cannot share that.
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But He kept
saying share your secret.
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During that time my daughter
sent me a quote that said,
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"Your story is the key that can
unlock someone else's prison."
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Share your testimony. She didn't
know that God was calling me
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to share about
my deep dark secret.
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A few days later I was in a
Thrift Store and I saw a plaque
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that, "If God takes you to
it, He will get you through it."
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I bought it thinking that it
would be a blessing to someone.
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On my way home, God impressed
me that the message was for me.
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I went home and I wept,
no Lord, I cannot share that.
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These nudges were God's
affirmation that He wanted me
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to share my deep secret.
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I had kept the secret
over 35 years and was finally
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willing to
share about my prison.
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Sharing a very painful
and scary was another step
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toward freedom from
Satan's lies. The combination of
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retraining my thinking by
telling myself the truth based
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on God's Word and
sharing my deep secret
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set me free from Satan's lies
and the bondage of darkness.
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Thank God, His persistent love
is enough for all of us, even
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me. Jesus said, "The
truth will set you free."
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