[theme music]
00:00:05.37\00:00:08.34
¤¤
00:00:08.34\00:00:11.34
[solemn music]
00:00:42.74\00:00:45.74
¤¤
00:00:45.74\00:00:48.74
>> Welcome to
00:00:49.44\00:00:50.25
It Is Written Canada.
00:00:50.25\00:00:51.18
Thank you for joining me.
00:00:51.18\00:00:52.21
It's true that we can't see
00:00:52.21\00:00:53.62
the pain inside of people,
00:00:53.62\00:00:55.62
how so many people all around us
00:00:55.62\00:00:57.65
are suffering deeply within,
00:00:57.65\00:00:59.85
walking around wounded.
00:00:59.85\00:01:01.79
Yet even though you can't
00:01:01.79\00:01:03.59
see the pain, many people are
00:01:03.59\00:01:05.66
living with loss that is
00:01:05.66\00:01:07.73
so excruciatingly painful.
00:01:07.73\00:01:10.17
Whether it's the loss
00:01:10.17\00:01:11.27
of a relationship,
00:01:11.27\00:01:12.30
the loss of dreams,
00:01:12.30\00:01:13.94
or the loss of a loved one.
00:01:13.94\00:01:16.34
The emotional pain one feels
00:01:16.34\00:01:18.21
reaches the deepest levels
00:01:18.21\00:01:19.91
of human agony
00:01:19.91\00:01:21.04
when you experience the loss
00:01:21.04\00:01:22.78
of a loved one.
00:01:22.78\00:01:24.05
But I want to give you hope
00:01:24.05\00:01:26.18
that it is possible to find
00:01:26.18\00:01:27.95
a way forward while honouring
00:01:27.95\00:01:30.09
the person that you've lost.
00:01:30.09\00:01:31.99
My personal journey through
00:01:31.99\00:01:33.79
a life of tremendous losses,
00:01:33.79\00:01:36.32
one loved one after another,
00:01:36.32\00:01:38.66
has been extremely
00:01:38.66\00:01:41.26
painful and personal.
00:01:41.26\00:01:43.67
I have spoken about this
00:01:43.67\00:01:45.20
previously on other programs,
00:01:45.20\00:01:46.97
but let me try to illustrate
00:01:46.97\00:01:49.37
what this has look like for me.
00:01:49.37\00:01:51.81
Firstly, I like to take
00:01:51.81\00:01:53.68
a Ziploc bag like this one
00:01:53.68\00:01:55.54
full of water and stab it
00:01:55.54\00:01:57.55
with a couple of pencils
00:01:57.55\00:02:00.08
like this.
00:02:00.08\00:02:01.55
So when I was three years old,
00:02:04.39\00:02:07.39
my parents divorced
00:02:07.39\00:02:09.42
and my brothers and I
00:02:09.42\00:02:10.76
ended up in an orphanage.
00:02:10.76\00:02:12.03
So those were
00:02:12.03\00:02:13.56
two big losses
00:02:13.56\00:02:15.13
in a row.
00:02:15.13\00:02:16.06
And I used to try to
00:02:16.06\00:02:18.23
illustrate this to people
00:02:18.23\00:02:19.80
by showing them this Ziploc bag
00:02:19.80\00:02:22.07
with these pencils
00:02:22.07\00:02:23.04
poked through it.
00:02:23.04\00:02:24.31
So you can see how
00:02:24.31\00:02:26.61
these pencils poke right through
00:02:26.61\00:02:29.04
this plastic, so it's
00:02:29.04\00:02:30.15
piercing right through.
00:02:30.15\00:02:31.58
But the same can't be true
00:02:31.58\00:02:33.31
or said for people.
00:02:33.31\00:02:35.18
We can't see the pain
00:02:35.18\00:02:37.02
caused by loss inside of people.
00:02:37.02\00:02:39.25
How people all around us,
00:02:39.25\00:02:41.49
not everyone, but many of us
00:02:41.49\00:02:43.93
are suffering deeply within.
00:02:43.93\00:02:46.26
We're grieving.
00:02:46.26\00:02:47.30
We're walking around wounded.
00:02:47.30\00:02:49.73
So these people,
00:02:49.73\00:02:51.73
even though you can't see it,
00:02:51.73\00:02:54.27
that's what they're
00:02:54.27\00:02:55.27
experiencing.
00:02:55.27\00:02:56.17
So in my own story,
00:02:56.17\00:02:58.27
when I was ten years old,
00:02:58.27\00:03:01.11
my eldest brother Joe was killed
00:03:01.11\00:03:03.55
in a tractor accident.
00:03:03.55\00:03:05.38
So I take another pencil
00:03:05.38\00:03:07.28
and I stab it through the bag.
00:03:07.28\00:03:09.58
And then when I was 16,
00:03:11.39\00:03:13.32
my mother, who was battling
00:03:13.32\00:03:15.66
the demons of depression,
00:03:15.66\00:03:17.46
died by suicide.
00:03:17.46\00:03:19.49
And then when I was 26,
00:03:21.20\00:03:23.63
one of my older brothers, Pete,
00:03:23.63\00:03:26.07
he fell 50 feet from a scaffold
00:03:26.07\00:03:28.70
and hit his head on some pipes
00:03:28.70\00:03:31.14
on the way down,
00:03:31.14\00:03:32.17
and he was killed.
00:03:32.17\00:03:33.84
And so that was another stab.
00:03:33.84\00:03:36.31
I would like to say that
00:03:37.15\00:03:39.08
I have found a way
00:03:39.08\00:03:41.28
to wrap up all of that grief
00:03:41.28\00:03:43.15
and that pain and the sorrows,
00:03:43.15\00:03:44.82
and tuck them away
00:03:44.82\00:03:46.09
all neatly in the past.
00:03:46.09\00:03:48.59
But that would not be true.
00:03:48.59\00:03:50.49
My journey through grief
00:03:50.49\00:03:52.93
is always ongoing
00:03:52.93\00:03:55.50
because, you know,
00:03:55.50\00:03:56.97
your love for those people
00:03:56.97\00:03:59.10
that you've lost,
00:03:59.10\00:04:01.17
that will never die.
00:04:01.17\00:04:02.90
So are there stages of grieving?
00:04:04.41\00:04:07.38
And will the pain
00:04:08.08\00:04:09.44
ever go away?
00:04:09.44\00:04:11.08
Various experts talk about
00:04:11.08\00:04:12.88
the stages of grieving.
00:04:12.88\00:04:14.58
Some models depict
00:04:14.58\00:04:16.62
five stages of grieving.
00:04:16.62\00:04:17.89
Others say that there's 6 or 7
00:04:17.89\00:04:19.72
and others say 8 or 9.
00:04:19.72\00:04:20.92
And I've even heard up to
00:04:20.92\00:04:22.29
14 stages of grief
00:04:22.29\00:04:23.73
and coping strategies.
00:04:23.73\00:04:25.16
But as far as I am concerned,
00:04:25.16\00:04:27.46
there are really only
00:04:27.46\00:04:28.60
two stages of grief.
00:04:28.60\00:04:30.43
Number one, who we were before,
00:04:30.43\00:04:33.13
and number two, who we become
00:04:33.13\00:04:35.44
after the loss of a loved one.
00:04:35.44\00:04:38.24
Every loss in your life
00:04:38.24\00:04:39.97
changes you, and today on
00:04:39.97\00:04:41.74
It Is Written Canada,
00:04:41.74\00:04:42.91
I want to invite you to join me
00:04:42.91\00:04:45.08
in exploring what you
00:04:45.08\00:04:46.82
may be facing if you
00:04:46.82\00:04:48.55
are on your own journey
00:04:48.55\00:04:50.39
of living with loss.
00:04:50.39\00:04:52.12
Other people may not be able to
00:04:59.56\00:05:01.13
see the pain that you carry
00:05:01.13\00:05:02.83
within your heart when you
00:05:02.83\00:05:04.20
suffer a significant loss.
00:05:04.20\00:05:05.83
But health care professionals
00:05:05.83\00:05:07.67
tell us that it shows
00:05:07.67\00:05:09.50
in the brain.
00:05:09.50\00:05:10.81
When you first hear
00:05:10.81\00:05:12.31
of an intense loss,
00:05:12.31\00:05:14.21
your brain essentially
00:05:14.21\00:05:15.54
perceives it as a threat
00:05:15.54\00:05:17.41
to your survival
00:05:17.41\00:05:18.51
and the amygdala triggers
00:05:18.51\00:05:20.92
the stress response,
00:05:20.92\00:05:22.38
also known as the fight, flight,
00:05:22.38\00:05:24.65
or freeze response.
00:05:24.65\00:05:27.09
Loss is an intense stress.
00:05:27.09\00:05:29.59
People may fight, they may
00:05:29.59\00:05:31.33
scream, yell, or get furious
00:05:31.33\00:05:34.03
that someone is gone.
00:05:34.03\00:05:36.26
Or they may have
00:05:36.26\00:05:37.87
lost their job or their health,
00:05:37.87\00:05:40.87
their home, or even a pet.
00:05:40.87\00:05:43.64
They may flee.
00:05:43.64\00:05:44.74
They may run away,
00:05:44.74\00:05:46.17
deny the loss,
00:05:46.17\00:05:47.11
or avoid talking or
00:05:47.11\00:05:48.74
thinking about it,
00:05:48.74\00:05:49.94
or they may freeze.
00:05:49.94\00:05:52.78
They may faint or go numb.
00:05:52.78\00:05:55.22
Not be able to speak
00:05:56.15\00:05:57.72
or just shut down completely.
00:05:57.72\00:06:00.52
Experts tell us that this
00:06:00.52\00:06:02.46
initial response is critical,
00:06:02.46\00:06:04.53
but eventually it resolves.
00:06:04.53\00:06:06.73
It's also true
00:06:07.86\00:06:09.63
that grief impacts the body.
00:06:09.63\00:06:12.27
You may experience
00:06:12.27\00:06:13.67
decreased pleasure.
00:06:13.67\00:06:15.87
The physical senses like
00:06:15.87\00:06:17.74
taste, touch, sight,
00:06:17.74\00:06:19.84
are no longer enjoyable.
00:06:19.84\00:06:21.21
Food may seem tasteless
00:06:21.21\00:06:24.01
and this and the stress response
00:06:24.01\00:06:25.95
can lead to the loss of
00:06:25.95\00:06:27.58
appetite.
00:06:27.58\00:06:28.55
This is because
00:06:28.55\00:06:29.62
the stress response to loss
00:06:29.62\00:06:31.19
slows digestion and diverts
00:06:31.19\00:06:33.49
energy to survival responses,
00:06:33.49\00:06:36.19
and it's very common
00:06:36.19\00:06:37.56
for the bereaved to lose weight
00:06:37.56\00:06:40.16
and to struggle to eat
00:06:40.16\00:06:42.46
after loss.
00:06:42.46\00:06:43.70
Yet it's not one size fits all
00:06:43.70\00:06:46.30
because for some people,
00:06:46.30\00:06:48.77
the strain of experiencing loss
00:06:48.77\00:06:51.01
can lead them to overeat
00:06:51.01\00:06:53.27
and to gain weight.
00:06:53.27\00:06:54.64
Every person's journey through
00:06:54.64\00:06:56.54
living with loss is unique.
00:06:56.54\00:06:58.81
We do not all grieve
00:06:58.81\00:07:00.28
in the same way.
00:07:00.28\00:07:01.28
Personally, after the loss
00:07:01.28\00:07:03.15
of my eldest brother,
00:07:03.15\00:07:04.79
I certainly did not want
00:07:04.79\00:07:06.86
to go on living.
00:07:06.86\00:07:08.62
I felt numb.
00:07:08.62\00:07:10.26
I remember how my grandmother
00:07:10.26\00:07:12.29
was cooking and I looked up
00:07:12.29\00:07:14.23
at her through heavy eyes
00:07:14.23\00:07:16.16
and I wondered why.
00:07:16.16\00:07:17.90
Why are you cooking?
00:07:17.90\00:07:19.80
Who wants to eat?
00:07:19.80\00:07:21.80
I had lost my appetite for food,
00:07:21.80\00:07:24.87
for living, really.
00:07:24.87\00:07:27.01
Suffering people need to be able
00:07:27.01\00:07:29.21
to weep and to pour out their
00:07:29.21\00:07:30.98
hearts, and not to immediately
00:07:30.98\00:07:33.75
be shut down by being told
00:07:33.75\00:07:36.55
what to do.
00:07:36.55\00:07:37.75
I've heard people say,
00:07:38.79\00:07:40.72
"I think it's time to get on
00:07:40.72\00:07:42.49
with life now."
00:07:42.49\00:07:43.76
Nor should we do that
00:07:44.53\00:07:45.89
to ourselves
00:07:45.89\00:07:47.40
if we are grieving.
00:07:47.40\00:07:48.70
Joseph Bayly
00:07:48.73\00:07:49.86
lost three sons
00:07:49.86\00:07:51.53
at various times in his life.
00:07:51.53\00:07:53.74
Imagine how painful
00:07:53.74\00:07:55.60
that must have been
00:07:55.60\00:07:56.64
losing three of his children.
00:07:56.64\00:07:58.94
I can't even imagine.
00:07:58.94\00:08:00.54
Bayly wrote about his grief in
00:08:00.54\00:08:03.58
"The View from a Hearse."
00:08:03.58\00:08:05.95
He wrote...
00:08:05.95\00:08:07.02
Experiencing a momentous loss
00:08:58.30\00:09:01.40
truly affects the human heart.
00:09:01.40\00:09:03.27
Acute grief can
00:09:03.27\00:09:04.97
stun the heart
00:09:04.97\00:09:06.44
and cause a condition known as
00:09:06.44\00:09:08.61
broken heart syndrome.
00:09:08.61\00:09:09.91
Some people believe that
00:09:09.91\00:09:10.91
that's what Jesus went through
00:09:10.91\00:09:11.95
on the cross.
00:09:11.95\00:09:12.95
The intense emotions
00:09:12.95\00:09:14.28
and the adrenaline
00:09:14.28\00:09:15.45
from the stress response
00:09:15.45\00:09:17.19
can cause the heart to
00:09:17.19\00:09:18.79
physically swell
00:09:18.79\00:09:20.52
and take an abnormal shape.
00:09:20.52\00:09:22.62
The heart speeds up
00:09:23.49\00:09:25.76
and this can cause
00:09:25.76\00:09:26.96
physical strain on the heart.
00:09:26.96\00:09:29.73
For most people
00:09:29.73\00:09:30.73
going through grief,
00:09:30.73\00:09:32.57
their heart can handle it.
00:09:32.57\00:09:35.07
But for people over
00:09:35.07\00:09:36.44
the age of 65, there is a
00:09:36.44\00:09:38.27
21 times greater chance
00:09:38.27\00:09:40.68
of a heart attack the day after
00:09:40.68\00:09:42.61
the loss of a spouse.
00:09:42.61\00:09:45.05
I think of the patriarch Job
00:09:45.05\00:09:46.95
in the Bible.
00:09:46.95\00:09:47.92
In the first chapter of
00:09:47.92\00:09:49.42
the book of Job, when Job
00:09:49.42\00:09:51.49
first gets all
00:09:51.49\00:09:53.19
the bad news,
00:09:53.19\00:09:54.52
a flood of major losses,
00:09:54.52\00:09:56.73
the death of his children,
00:09:56.73\00:09:58.19
seven sons and three daughters,
00:09:58.19\00:10:00.20
and the loss of his livestock
00:10:00.20\00:10:02.16
and his entire estate.
00:10:02.16\00:10:04.30
We are told that Job got up,
00:10:04.30\00:10:06.30
tore his robe
00:10:06.30\00:10:07.57
and then fell to the ground.
00:10:07.57\00:10:08.80
Clearly Job's body, his mind
00:10:08.80\00:10:11.44
and his heart
00:10:11.44\00:10:12.71
were wounded by such a severe
00:10:12.71\00:10:14.94
series of devastating losses.
00:10:14.94\00:10:17.31
This faithful, godly,
00:10:18.78\00:10:21.05
good man,
00:10:21.05\00:10:22.18
in the day of
00:10:22.18\00:10:24.32
his affliction and darkness,
00:10:24.32\00:10:26.09
cried out to God...
00:10:26.09\00:10:27.49
The Bible describes Job's
00:10:58.49\00:11:00.39
deep sorrow and anguish,
00:11:00.39\00:11:02.06
his expression of intense grief,
00:11:02.06\00:11:05.33
and his sense of suffering
00:11:05.33\00:11:07.10
after losing his children,
00:11:07.10\00:11:08.70
his health and his wealth.
00:11:08.70\00:11:10.93
This level of mourning and pain
00:11:10.93\00:11:13.23
often produces tears.
00:11:13.23\00:11:15.37
And might- one might well ask,
00:11:16.40\00:11:18.37
Well, that's not very hopeful.
00:11:18.37\00:11:20.54
Sorrow, sadness, and tears.
00:11:20.54\00:11:23.35
True.
00:11:23.35\00:11:24.48
However, you may
00:11:24.48\00:11:26.25
or may not know this,
00:11:26.25\00:11:27.58
but tears are healing.
00:11:27.58\00:11:30.49
It's really common
00:11:30.49\00:11:31.62
for people to cry, to scream,
00:11:31.62\00:11:34.39
to sob, as part of
00:11:34.39\00:11:36.19
the grieving process.
00:11:36.19\00:11:37.43
Even animals like elephants
00:11:37.43\00:11:39.86
shed tears when
00:11:39.86\00:11:41.96
they are experiencing grief.
00:11:41.96\00:11:43.90
Now, there are three
00:11:45.33\00:11:47.04
chemically different types of
00:11:47.04\00:11:49.00
tears, basal tears, which
00:11:49.00\00:11:50.71
are the regular moistening
00:11:50.71\00:11:52.37
for your eyes, which happens
00:11:52.37\00:11:53.84
throughout the day.
00:11:53.84\00:11:54.84
Reflex tears, which happen when
00:11:54.84\00:11:57.55
there's an irritant like
00:11:57.55\00:11:59.08
dust in the air or
00:11:59.08\00:12:00.52
you cut an onion.
00:12:00.52\00:12:01.88
And then there's
00:12:01.88\00:12:02.92
emotional tears, which,
00:12:02.92\00:12:04.22
besides removing toxins
00:12:04.22\00:12:06.22
from your body, actually contain
00:12:06.22\00:12:08.42
protein-based stress hormones,
00:12:08.42\00:12:11.09
one of which is enkephalins.
00:12:11.09\00:12:13.76
Enkephalins are a
00:12:14.36\00:12:15.93
type of endorphin
00:12:15.93\00:12:17.80
that act as
00:12:17.80\00:12:19.83
natural pain killers.
00:12:19.83\00:12:22.50
They are found in
00:12:22.50\00:12:23.71
emotional tears, contributing to
00:12:23.71\00:12:25.64
the relief of physical
00:12:25.64\00:12:27.08
and emotional pain.
00:12:27.08\00:12:28.64
So the biochemical
00:12:28.64\00:12:30.91
composition of tears
00:12:30.91\00:12:32.41
is actually healthy
00:12:32.41\00:12:34.08
and healing on a physical
00:12:34.08\00:12:36.32
and emotional level.
00:12:36.32\00:12:38.25
I tell you this to say that
00:12:38.25\00:12:39.82
crying is good for you.
00:12:39.82\00:12:41.49
It's healthy and healing.
00:12:41.49\00:12:43.29
Unfortunately, many of us
00:12:43.29\00:12:45.39
are afraid to cry
00:12:45.39\00:12:47.23
or to show our sadness,
00:12:47.23\00:12:48.43
especially in public.
00:12:48.43\00:12:50.27
Well, I get that.
00:12:50.27\00:12:52.43
Yet I just want you to know
00:12:52.43\00:12:55.44
that it's okay to lean into
00:12:55.44\00:12:57.17
your sadness and to let
00:12:57.17\00:12:59.11
the tears flow
00:12:59.11\00:13:01.61
if at any time you are hit
00:13:01.61\00:13:04.11
by an unexpected wave of sorrow
00:13:04.11\00:13:06.78
because suppressing feelings
00:13:06.78\00:13:09.22
just doesn't work
00:13:09.22\00:13:10.25
in the long run, you...
00:13:10.25\00:13:12.09
...can think of grief
00:13:13.05\00:13:14.96
as being like
00:13:14.96\00:13:16.02
the waves of an ocean.
00:13:16.02\00:13:17.96
Imagine standing on the shore
00:13:17.96\00:13:19.93
of a vast ocean.
00:13:19.93\00:13:21.16
At times the waves are gentle
00:13:21.16\00:13:23.63
and they are lapping softly
00:13:23.63\00:13:26.13
at your feet.
00:13:26.13\00:13:27.64
These represent moments
00:13:27.64\00:13:29.70
when you feel a sense of calm
00:13:29.70\00:13:32.34
or acceptance, allowing you to
00:13:32.34\00:13:34.74
cherish fond memories
00:13:34.74\00:13:36.68
of your loved one.
00:13:36.68\00:13:38.28
Oftentimes, the waves crash
00:13:38.28\00:13:40.18
violently against the shore.
00:13:40.18\00:13:43.05
These overwhelming waves
00:13:43.05\00:13:45.05
symbolize the intense pain
00:13:45.05\00:13:47.56
and sadness that can
00:13:47.56\00:13:49.72
suddenly engulf you.
00:13:49.72\00:13:51.59
Pulling you under and making it
00:13:51.59\00:13:53.46
hard to breathe.
00:13:53.46\00:13:55.53
As time passes, you notice that
00:13:55.53\00:13:58.07
the intensity of the waves
00:13:58.07\00:13:59.93
varies.
00:13:59.93\00:14:01.04
Some days they are
00:14:01.04\00:14:03.04
small and manageable,
00:14:03.04\00:14:04.57
while other days
00:14:04.57\00:14:06.41
they can be huge and
00:14:06.41\00:14:08.68
unpredictable.
00:14:08.68\00:14:10.28
You may feel momentarily lost.
00:14:10.28\00:14:12.78
But over time you learn to
00:14:13.38\00:14:15.68
navigate these waves of sadness
00:14:15.68\00:14:18.29
and sorrow.
00:14:18.29\00:14:19.89
Eventually, as you adjust
00:14:19.89\00:14:21.49
to the rhythm of the ocean,
00:14:21.49\00:14:23.32
you discover that even through
00:14:23.32\00:14:25.79
the waves of grief,
00:14:25.79\00:14:28.26
and they come and go,
00:14:28.26\00:14:30.30
they help you to grow stronger
00:14:30.30\00:14:32.73
and more resilient,
00:14:32.73\00:14:34.17
teaching you to appreciate
00:14:34.17\00:14:36.27
both the calm and the storm.
00:14:36.27\00:14:38.84
Like the tides,
00:14:38.84\00:14:39.91
grief can ebb and flow,
00:14:39.91\00:14:41.84
transforming over time
00:14:41.84\00:14:43.78
while staying a part
00:14:43.78\00:14:46.65
of your journey.
00:14:46.65\00:14:47.85
There isn't a time limit
00:14:49.15\00:14:50.69
on mourning, but there is
00:14:50.69\00:14:52.89
a big difference between
00:14:52.89\00:14:54.16
working through stuff and
00:14:54.16\00:14:55.89
not working through stuff,
00:14:55.89\00:14:56.99
like stuffing your feelings
00:14:56.99\00:14:59.36
instead of leaning into
00:14:59.36\00:15:02.06
your feelings.
00:15:02.06\00:15:03.53
People who process their grief
00:15:03.53\00:15:06.00
allow themselves to
00:15:06.00\00:15:07.57
face the pain,
00:15:07.57\00:15:08.94
even in small doses.
00:15:08.94\00:15:11.57
They address their feelings.
00:15:11.57\00:15:14.38
They may write them down
00:15:14.38\00:15:16.58
or talk about them.
00:15:16.58\00:15:17.91
They may meditate on the Psalms
00:15:17.91\00:15:20.08
or pray through their memories
00:15:20.08\00:15:22.85
and their feelings
00:15:22.85\00:15:24.09
of loss.
00:15:24.09\00:15:25.22
Or they may surround themselves
00:15:25.22\00:15:27.56
with supportive people
00:15:27.56\00:15:29.46
who allow them to grieve
00:15:29.46\00:15:30.96
without judgment.
00:15:30.96\00:15:33.09
Grief can also be
00:15:33.09\00:15:34.46
physically exhausting.
00:15:34.46\00:15:36.16
So I urge you to take time to
00:15:36.16\00:15:38.53
maintain a level of self-care,
00:15:38.53\00:15:41.27
whether it's eating well,
00:15:41.27\00:15:43.41
getting rest.
00:15:43.41\00:15:44.64
Make sure you get enough rest
00:15:44.64\00:15:46.01
and exercise.
00:15:46.01\00:15:47.04
Go outside and then meditate
00:15:47.04\00:15:49.38
on the Bible passages and pray.
00:15:49.38\00:15:52.21
Small steps really do matter.
00:15:52.21\00:15:55.22
On the other hand, when someone
00:15:55.22\00:15:57.12
doesn't work through their pain,
00:15:57.12\00:15:59.45
they try to distract themselves
00:15:59.45\00:16:02.22
by keeping themselves busy and
00:16:02.22\00:16:04.99
developing compulsive behaviours
00:16:04.99\00:16:07.86
This can look like
00:16:07.86\00:16:09.43
different things over time.
00:16:09.43\00:16:10.87
Overeating or under eating.
00:16:10.87\00:16:12.73
Excessive spending.
00:16:12.73\00:16:14.44
Addiction to distraction.
00:16:14.44\00:16:16.24
You know what it's like.
00:16:16.24\00:16:17.34
Just endless Netflix binges
00:16:17.34\00:16:20.04
and social media scrolling.
00:16:20.04\00:16:22.24
And of course, substance abuse.
00:16:22.24\00:16:25.15
They desperately avoid
00:16:25.15\00:16:26.65
their pain, which
00:16:26.65\00:16:28.18
in the long run
00:16:28.18\00:16:29.58
often leads
00:16:29.58\00:16:31.09
to more pain.
00:16:31.09\00:16:32.25
I can so identify with
00:16:33.76\00:16:35.36
the Bible story of Job.
00:16:35.36\00:16:37.29
After a series of losses,
00:16:37.29\00:16:39.09
he did not want to go on.
00:16:39.09\00:16:41.23
However, even though
00:16:41.23\00:16:42.96
he was tired of living,
00:16:42.96\00:16:45.17
Job was not allowed to die.
00:16:45.17\00:16:48.14
He had experienced
00:16:49.30\00:16:51.14
intense loss, and yet God
00:16:51.14\00:16:53.61
had a plan for Job's future.
00:16:53.61\00:16:56.28
A future of living with loss,
00:16:56.28\00:16:58.65
yes, but also
00:16:58.65\00:17:00.55
a bright future
00:17:00.55\00:17:02.12
filled with hope and joy.
00:17:02.12\00:17:04.52
Listen to God's message
00:17:04.52\00:17:06.55
to the discouraged Job.
00:17:06.55\00:17:08.52
I so identify with
00:17:43.59\00:17:45.29
the feelings of fear that Job
00:17:45.29\00:17:47.30
might have had.
00:17:47.30\00:17:49.63
I was afraid of receiving
00:17:49.63\00:17:51.17
another phone call
00:17:51.17\00:17:52.83
telling me that someone else
00:17:52.83\00:17:54.74
that I had loved had died.
00:17:54.74\00:17:57.14
But the Lord has a way
00:17:57.14\00:17:58.87
of leading you when you are
00:17:58.87\00:18:01.38
going through the valley of the
00:18:01.38\00:18:02.68
shadow of death.
00:18:02.68\00:18:04.01
You fear no evil,
00:18:05.18\00:18:07.88
because, as the Bible says,
00:18:07.88\00:18:09.22
"Thou art with me."
00:18:09.22\00:18:10.82
Not that there are-
00:18:10.82\00:18:12.19
there's no evil and no death
00:18:12.19\00:18:14.02
in that valley, but because
00:18:14.02\00:18:16.19
He is with you,
00:18:16.19\00:18:18.46
your fears subside.
00:18:18.46\00:18:20.30
From deep despair,
00:18:21.43\00:18:22.83
Job arose to the heights
00:18:22.83\00:18:25.27
of unwavering faith
00:18:25.27\00:18:26.84
in God's mercy
00:18:26.84\00:18:28.37
and saving grace.
00:18:28.37\00:18:30.04
He boldly proclaimed...
00:18:30.04\00:18:31.54
By listening to God
00:19:06.24\00:19:07.58
speaking to him while he was
00:19:07.58\00:19:08.98
living with loss,
00:19:08.98\00:19:10.61
Job found hope.
00:19:10.61\00:19:12.15
Sound strange?
00:19:12.15\00:19:14.12
How can you find hope
00:19:14.12\00:19:15.68
while you are living with loss?
00:19:15.68\00:19:17.75
The loss of your children,
00:19:17.75\00:19:18.95
the loss of your wealth and the
00:19:18.95\00:19:20.12
loss of your health.
00:19:20.12\00:19:22.09
Good questions.
00:19:22.09\00:19:23.99
It's when we grieve the loss
00:19:23.99\00:19:26.53
of a child, as Job did,
00:19:26.53\00:19:29.20
or the loss of
00:19:29.20\00:19:30.27
another loved one,
00:19:30.27\00:19:31.50
that you see how loss
00:19:31.50\00:19:33.97
has a peculiar way to it,
00:19:33.97\00:19:36.64
because it alters
00:19:36.64\00:19:37.84
the relationship that we have
00:19:37.84\00:19:39.61
with the person who died,
00:19:39.61\00:19:41.41
and their absence alters us
00:19:41.41\00:19:44.45
for the rest of our life.
00:19:44.45\00:19:45.91
However, how that
00:19:47.05\00:19:49.45
altering affects us
00:19:49.45\00:19:51.19
really is completely
00:19:51.19\00:19:52.55
in our hands.
00:19:52.55\00:19:53.96
Do I want to be a healthy,
00:19:53.96\00:19:55.92
robust, resilient griever
00:19:55.92\00:19:57.86
who lives my life fully
00:19:57.86\00:20:00.13
to honour the life of the person
00:20:00.13\00:20:02.40
that was important to me?
00:20:02.40\00:20:04.33
Or am I going to
00:20:04.33\00:20:06.07
identify myself, my life,
00:20:06.07\00:20:08.50
as the consummate griever,
00:20:08.50\00:20:10.17
saying, "I am grieving,
00:20:10.17\00:20:12.54
I will always grieve,
00:20:12.54\00:20:13.91
I will never- it will never
00:20:13.91\00:20:15.38
go away.
00:20:15.38\00:20:16.28
It will never get better."
00:20:16.28\00:20:18.41
This was me when I lost
00:20:19.45\00:20:21.05
my mother and my two brothers.
00:20:21.05\00:20:22.98
It may seem strange, but
00:20:22.98\00:20:24.89
I wanted to hold on to the pain,
00:20:24.89\00:20:26.96
the anger, the frustration,
00:20:26.96\00:20:28.46
the fear, the anxieties of grief
00:20:28.46\00:20:31.49
as an identity.
00:20:31.49\00:20:34.00
Because as long as I am
00:20:34.00\00:20:35.30
identified as that griever,
00:20:35.30\00:20:37.70
it feels like I am keeping
00:20:37.70\00:20:39.87
my loved one with me.
00:20:39.87\00:20:42.17
It feels like my loved one
00:20:42.17\00:20:44.71
is not so far away or absent.
00:20:44.71\00:20:47.31
I lived with this
00:20:48.84\00:20:50.81
misunderstanding that
00:20:50.81\00:20:53.78
to heal and to go on living
00:20:53.78\00:20:56.69
means to dishonour my loved one.
00:20:56.69\00:20:59.42
If I was to heal,
00:21:00.39\00:21:02.06
I would have to forget them.
00:21:02.06\00:21:04.76
And I couldn't do that.
00:21:04.76\00:21:06.93
I felt trapped.
00:21:06.93\00:21:08.76
And that was my only paradigm.
00:21:08.76\00:21:11.47
But it was tragic
00:21:12.10\00:21:13.34
because by identifying with
00:21:13.34\00:21:15.67
my pain of loss,
00:21:15.67\00:21:17.04
I was missing out on the life
00:21:17.04\00:21:19.77
that was available to me
00:21:19.77\00:21:22.18
while I was grieving.
00:21:22.18\00:21:23.81
For some, living like that
00:21:24.91\00:21:27.12
can go on and on for years
00:21:27.12\00:21:29.02
and years and years, but
00:21:29.02\00:21:30.75
I want to let you know
00:21:30.75\00:21:32.49
that God wants to give you
00:21:32.49\00:21:34.06
a new identity.
00:21:34.06\00:21:35.06
He wants to give you permission,
00:21:35.06\00:21:37.53
as he did to Job,
00:21:37.53\00:21:39.06
to let go of
00:21:39.06\00:21:40.63
that identity.
00:21:40.63\00:21:42.76
You can still honour
00:21:42.76\00:21:43.87
your loved one without having
00:21:43.87\00:21:46.60
to take on the burden of
00:21:46.60\00:21:48.10
holding on to a dark future,
00:21:48.10\00:21:51.01
without any hope,
00:21:51.01\00:21:52.57
without any joy.
00:21:52.57\00:21:53.64
So here's what I misunderstood.
00:21:53.64\00:21:56.54
I didn't understand that
00:21:57.35\00:21:58.58
my love for
00:21:58.58\00:22:00.62
the people I lost
00:22:00.62\00:22:01.95
is never going to go away.
00:22:01.95\00:22:04.42
Even though I engage
00:22:04.42\00:22:06.32
in my life.
00:22:06.32\00:22:07.99
Jesus was described as being
00:22:07.99\00:22:10.09
a man of sorrows
00:22:10.09\00:22:11.43
and acquainted with grief,
00:22:11.43\00:22:13.43
and yet He also
00:22:13.43\00:22:15.70
came to bring us joy.
00:22:15.70\00:22:18.47
He described His mission...
00:22:18.47\00:22:19.07
He described His mission...
00:22:19.17\00:22:20.24
So how can we have both
00:22:29.88\00:22:32.31
grief and joy?
00:22:32.31\00:22:34.92
The answer lies in embracing
00:22:34.92\00:22:37.09
the person of Jesus.
00:22:37.09\00:22:38.92
Let me explain.
00:22:38.92\00:22:40.59
In both the Old and
00:22:40.59\00:22:41.59
the New Testaments, it is said
00:22:41.59\00:22:43.53
of Jesus, a bruised reed
00:22:43.53\00:22:46.63
he will not break,
00:22:46.63\00:22:47.96
and a smouldering wick
00:22:47.96\00:22:50.00
he will not snuff out.
00:22:50.00\00:22:52.60
The Hebrew word translated
00:22:52.60\00:22:54.70
"bruised," does not mean
00:22:54.70\00:22:56.67
a minor injury.
00:22:56.67\00:22:58.97
It denotes a deep contusion
00:22:58.97\00:23:01.48
that destroys a vital
00:23:01.48\00:23:03.14
internal organ.
00:23:03.14\00:23:04.51
In other words, a death blow.
00:23:04.51\00:23:07.12
If applied to a person,
00:23:08.05\00:23:10.22
it means an injury
00:23:10.22\00:23:11.99
that doesn't show
00:23:11.99\00:23:13.72
on the surface, but that is
00:23:13.72\00:23:15.76
nonetheless fatal.
00:23:15.76\00:23:17.66
When it refers to
00:23:17.66\00:23:18.93
a bruised reed, it means
00:23:18.93\00:23:20.90
a stock of grain that has been
00:23:20.90\00:23:23.47
crushed at an angle.
00:23:23.47\00:23:25.70
Not into pieces,
00:23:26.67\00:23:28.24
but because it has been
00:23:28.24\00:23:30.14
broken in this way,
00:23:30.14\00:23:31.77
it is never going to
00:23:31.77\00:23:33.31
produce grain.
00:23:33.31\00:23:35.74
And yet Jesus does what
00:23:35.74\00:23:38.05
no one else can do.
00:23:38.05\00:23:39.65
He can heal it
00:23:39.65\00:23:41.72
so it produces grain again.
00:23:41.72\00:23:44.15
This means that Jesus Christ,
00:23:44.15\00:23:46.82
our Saviour, is attracted to
00:23:46.82\00:23:48.96
people who are broken
00:23:48.96\00:23:51.49
and feel hopeless.
00:23:51.49\00:23:53.76
He cares for the fragile.
00:23:53.76\00:23:55.80
He loves people who are
00:23:55.80\00:23:58.23
beaten and battered and bruised.
00:23:58.23\00:24:01.07
They may not show it
00:24:01.74\00:24:02.90
on the outside, but inside
00:24:02.90\00:24:05.64
they are dying.
00:24:05.64\00:24:07.34
Jesus sees all the way
00:24:07.34\00:24:08.81
into the heart and He knows
00:24:08.81\00:24:10.71
what to do.
00:24:10.71\00:24:12.31
The Lord binds up
00:24:12.31\00:24:13.68
the broken hearted
00:24:13.68\00:24:14.72
and He heals our wounds.
00:24:14.72\00:24:16.72
It is the gentleness
00:24:16.72\00:24:18.15
of our Saviour
00:24:18.15\00:24:19.25
that binds up our wounds.
00:24:19.25\00:24:21.29
And here's what
00:24:21.29\00:24:22.96
I have discovered.
00:24:22.96\00:24:24.03
Jesus has changed my eyesight.
00:24:24.03\00:24:27.03
Through my own experience
00:24:27.03\00:24:28.50
of living with loss,
00:24:28.50\00:24:29.66
I have acquired a sensitivity
00:24:29.66\00:24:31.87
to see hurting people
00:24:31.87\00:24:34.34
and a desire to want to
00:24:34.34\00:24:36.04
comfort them in their sorrows.
00:24:36.04\00:24:38.61
Many times people will
00:24:39.84\00:24:40.88
say to me, "But I don't want to
00:24:40.88\00:24:43.14
burden you with my sorrows."
00:24:43.14\00:24:44.75
And I tell them that it really
00:24:44.75\00:24:47.22
is no burden at all.
00:24:47.22\00:24:49.38
We are fellow travellers
00:24:49.38\00:24:51.45
through this wasteland.
00:24:51.45\00:24:53.59
And you know what?
00:24:53.59\00:24:54.89
This is where the true joy
00:24:54.89\00:24:57.03
is found, in comforting those
00:24:57.03\00:24:59.39
who are sorrowing,
00:24:59.39\00:25:01.03
in service to those
00:25:01.03\00:25:03.00
who are also
00:25:03.00\00:25:04.20
living with loss.
00:25:04.20\00:25:05.83
¤ Be my vision ¤
00:25:08.30\00:25:11.54
¤ Oh Lord of my heart ¤
00:25:11.54\00:25:16.01
¤ Naught be all else to me ¤
00:25:16.01\00:25:20.15
¤ Save that Thou art ¤
00:25:20.15\00:25:24.22
¤ Thou my best thought ¤
00:25:24.22\00:25:27.59
¤ by day or by night ¤
00:25:27.59\00:25:32.26
¤ Waking or sleeping ¤
00:25:32.26\00:25:35.70
¤ Thy presence my light ¤
00:25:35.70\00:25:40.64
[orchestral interlude]
00:25:40.64\00:25:43.61
¤¤
00:25:43.61\00:25:46.54
¤ Be Thou my wisdom ¤
00:25:49.04\00:25:52.65
¤ Be Thou my true Word ¤
00:25:52.65\00:25:56.82
¤ I ever with Thee ¤
00:25:56.82\00:26:00.39
¤ and Thou with me, Lord ¤
00:26:00.39\00:26:04.96
¤ Thou my great Father ¤
00:26:04.96\00:26:09.36
¤ I Thy true son ¤
00:26:09.36\00:26:13.60
¤ Thou in me dwelling ¤
00:26:13.60\00:26:17.04
¤ and I with Thee one ¤
00:26:17.04\00:26:21.98
¤ Riches I heed not ¤
00:26:23.61\00:26:26.95
¤ nor man?mpty praise ¤
00:26:26.95\00:26:31.55
¤ Thou mine inheritance ¤
00:26:31.55\00:26:35.56
¤ now and always ¤
00:26:35.56\00:26:39.66
¤ Thou and Thou only ¤
00:26:39.66\00:26:43.77
¤ first in my heart ¤
00:26:43.77\00:26:48.20
¤ High King of heaven ¤
00:26:48.20\00:26:51.94
¤ my treasure Thou art ¤
00:26:51.94\00:26:57.41
¤¤
00:26:57.41\00:27:00.48
¤ Be my vision ¤
00:27:02.95\00:27:08.12
¤ Be my vision ¤
00:27:08.92\00:27:14.13
¤ Oh Ruler ¤
00:27:15.96\00:27:22.50
¤ of all ¤
00:27:22.50\00:27:28.64
>> Friends, grief does hurt.
00:27:39.55\00:27:41.29
It's painful.
00:27:41.29\00:27:42.36
And you're going to
00:27:42.36\00:27:43.39
experience it sooner or later.
00:27:43.39\00:27:45.63
If you have more questions
00:27:45.63\00:27:47.40
and are struggling to deal
00:27:47.40\00:27:49.70
with this grief, I want to
00:27:49.70\00:27:51.63
send you our free offer,
00:27:51.63\00:27:53.77
Coping With Grief.
00:27:53.77\00:27:56.07
What should you do
00:27:56.07\00:27:57.34
when grief strikes
00:27:57.34\00:27:58.54
close to home?
00:27:58.54\00:28:00.51
Contact us to receive
00:28:00.51\00:28:02.44
this practical guide
00:28:02.44\00:28:03.88
and discover how to move
00:28:03.88\00:28:06.51
from grief to hope.
00:28:06.51\00:28:08.15
Friends, if you want to discover
00:28:09.48\00:28:11.75
how to live like Jesus
00:28:11.75\00:28:14.39
with a heart filled
00:28:14.39\00:28:16.02
to overflowing with joy
00:28:16.02\00:28:17.86
and gratitude to God,
00:28:17.86\00:28:19.16
even in the midst of your
00:28:19.16\00:28:20.76
sorrows and pain,
00:28:20.76\00:28:22.23
I recommend that you daily
00:28:22.23\00:28:23.97
open the Bible, the world's
00:28:23.97\00:28:25.87
number one selling best book
00:28:25.87\00:28:28.34
of all times, the Bible,
00:28:28.34\00:28:31.31
where it is recorded that
00:28:31.31\00:28:32.81
Jesus Himself declared...
00:28:32.81\00:28:34.88
[gentle music]
00:28:43.25\00:28:46.25
¤¤
00:28:46.25\00:28:49.19