>> Honey...
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...you need to learn
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to finish what you start.
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>> They were caked on so bad...
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>> You never finish
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a job.
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>> You always see
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the pot that's not clean.
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What about all the ones I just
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finished for you?
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I've been over an hour
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cleaning the pots.
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>> You're impossible.
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>> Well, so are you.
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[theme music]
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¤¤
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[cheerful guitar]
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¤¤
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>> Welcome to
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It Is Written Canada.
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Thank you for joining us.
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You may know Dr. John Gottman
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as the marriage expert
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who can predict divorce
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with over 90% accuracy.
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His life's work
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on marital stability and
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divorce prediction is
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world renowned.
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>> In his book,
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Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,
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Dr. Gottman noted how,
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on the basis of a
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15-minute conversation,
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researchers at the
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Gottman Institute
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could predict with
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91% accuracy
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whether a couple would be
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married or divorced
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within ten years.
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>> Gottman and his team
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were looking for positive
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to negative interactions,
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and they pinpointed how
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the "masters," he called them,
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had far more positives
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than negatives,
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at least 5 to 1
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in their interactions
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with one another.
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>> In his book,
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The Seven Principles
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for Making Marriage Work,
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Dr. Gottman revealed
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that 96% of the time,
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you can predict the outcome
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of a conversation
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based on the first three minutes
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of these 15-minute interactions.
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A harsh load of
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negatively powered words
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simply dooms you to failure.
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>> So...
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one word distinguished
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the masters from the disasters,
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and that one word is "gentle."
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Today on It Is Written Canada
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we want to focus on
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how when you begin
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all your conversations
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with a gentle startup,
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you, too, can be a master
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in your marriage.
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>> To help us examine
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how this works,
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Marlon and Doreen Cliff
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are our special guests again
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today on It Is Written Canada.
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They are certified
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Gottman Educators for the
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Seven Principles of
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Making Marriage Work,
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Certified Prepare Enrich
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Facilitators, Caring for the
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Heart Ministries lay counsellors
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and marriage wellness coaches.
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>> Marlon and Doreen Cliff,
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welcome to It Is Written Canada
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today.
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>> It's nice to be here again.
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>> Yes.
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>> So tell us about
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the difference between the
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masters and the disasters.
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Can you say in a couple of
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sentences, what's the difference
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between those types of
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marriages, the masters
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and the disasters.
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>> The masters, they always look
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for what's going right in the
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relationship and what they
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appreciate and see that's good
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in each other.
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>> And the marriage disasters
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are looking for what's wrong.
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They've got into that
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negative perspective and we
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focus on what's not right
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with the person.
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And for 24 years we were
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marriage disasters, and we were
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focusing on what was wrong
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with each other and trying to
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fix each other.
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And that was, spent 24 years
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in that.
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>> I think of a couple who...
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...the man was paid
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as an auditor.
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And so an auditor is paid to
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look for mistakes, right?
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And so that's what he got to do
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at work and so he thought that
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his wife would be pretty happy
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with him if he could just
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list her character faults,
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all the things that she needed
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to fix in her life.
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>> I can really resonate
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with that because
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I actually am embarrassed to say
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I probably had about six pages.
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[laughter]
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>> So do we ever come to the end
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of fixing?
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No, because there's always,
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you know, you can look at
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yourself in the mirror,
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"Oh, I've gotta fix this,
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fix that...”
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And then when you're looking at
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your partner and you're
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living with them, you know,
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you wanna fix, fix, fix.
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And so it's easy to
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get into that.
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To be a master really takes
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a lot of discipline, doesn't it?
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To look for the best
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in each other and that
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brings out the best
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from each other.
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Yeah.
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[calm music]
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¤¤
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>> Research has shown that
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the determining factor for
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a couple's happiness
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is based on the quality...
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...of their friendship.
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Can you share with us
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and tell us about those
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three key components
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of friendship?
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>> Yes.
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The first component is
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"I know you."
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And Doctor John Gottman
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refers it to as Love Maps.
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This is where we get to
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know each other intimately
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and spend time asking those
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questions that are either
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close-ended or we follow up
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with an open-ended question
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just to understand and get to
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know them a little better.
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>> The second is "I love you."
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And that's where we
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show appreciation and fondness
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and admiration for each other.
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So we speak it verbally
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or we show it non-verbally
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through touch.
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And this is something that's
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really often missing
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in relationships where we stop
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seeing what we appreciate
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in each other.
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>> And the third component is
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"I'm here for you,"
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which is turning towards
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and our bids for connection.
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So when we make bids
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for each other, a lot of times
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we kind of ignore them
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or what John Gottman refers to
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is we turn away from those bids
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or ignore them.
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So that commonly in a
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relationship is just expresses,
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"I'm not interested in you,
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I know, I don't hear you,
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I'm not listening,
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I'm not paying attention,"
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and it equates to
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"I'm not here for you."
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>> Mmm.
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So those three components of
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friendship again, "I know you,"
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"I love you," and "I'm here
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for you."
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So think about that practically.
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Can you give us a practical
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ways of demonstrating that...
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...within a relationship?
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>> Yes.
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So how we can really
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communicate, to get to know
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each other better is by
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asking open-ended questions.
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So this is really a lost art
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in relationships.
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We don't ask these
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open-ended questions where we
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dig deeper in the conversation
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to get to know each other
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at a heart level.
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We often speak at
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the surface level, like
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"What's happening today?"
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right, "What's- are you
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taking the kids to school?"
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you know, "What was work like?"
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and that's it, instead of
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digging a little deeper
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and asking more questions
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around those conversations.
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So open ended-questions,
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they start with "what" or "how."
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Or they can just be
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validating phrases like,
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"Tell me more,"
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or, yeah, "What does that
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look like for you?
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How do you wanna
00:07:50.67\00:07:51.60
carry that out this week?"
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So you're using
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"what" and "how" questions a lot
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and being very, very curious,
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getting curious about
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the conversation to
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just carry it to a deeper level
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instead of a surface level.
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>> Like when we were dating.
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A lot of times we're asking
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those questions, but after time,
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after being married for
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one, two, three years,
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we stop asking those questions
00:08:11.42\00:08:13.36
and maybe we think we know
00:08:13.36\00:08:14.36
each other well enough and don't
00:08:14.36\00:08:15.42
need to be curious anymore.
00:08:15.42\00:08:16.49
So it's being intentional, just
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asking those questions again.
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[calm music]
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¤¤
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>> So the difference between
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the masters and disasters,
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one word keeps coming up
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and that's the word, "gentle."
00:08:30.31\00:08:31.71
So when you think of
00:08:31.71\00:08:33.84
the masters, they see
00:08:33.84\00:08:36.95
a conflict
00:08:36.95\00:08:38.21
And it's like kicking around
00:08:38.21\00:08:39.51
a soccer ball and they
00:08:39.51\00:08:40.98
gently kick it back and forth.
00:08:40.98\00:08:42.68
But the disasters see
00:08:42.68\00:08:43.89
their partner as
00:08:43.89\00:08:45.15
the soccer ball.
00:08:45.15\00:08:46.25
And so they're rather
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kicking their partner
00:08:47.29\00:08:48.29
instead of the conflict
00:08:48.29\00:08:50.23
between the two of them.
00:08:50.23\00:08:51.46
So we talk about that
00:08:51.46\00:08:52.69
in terms of a harsh startup
00:08:52.69\00:08:55.06
or a gentle startup.
00:08:55.06\00:08:57.03
So can you give us
00:08:57.03\00:08:58.07
a demonstration of what
00:08:58.07\00:08:59.23
those two look like?
00:08:59.23\00:09:00.97
What's a harsh versus
00:09:00.97\00:09:02.64
a gentle startup?
00:09:02.64\00:09:03.97
>> Oh, we have so many,
00:09:03.97\00:09:05.77
24 years of them and we even
00:09:05.77\00:09:08.01
slip back now in the last
00:09:08.01\00:09:09.58
11 years, but we know how to
00:09:09.58\00:09:11.41
re-do and bring it back.
00:09:11.41\00:09:12.85
But for many years, Marlon
00:09:12.85\00:09:15.62
was the ball.
00:09:15.62\00:09:16.85
I kicked him a lot.
00:09:16.85\00:09:18.25
So we have
00:09:18.25\00:09:19.45
lots of stories, but...
00:09:19.45\00:09:20.66
>> And I kicked back.
00:09:20.66\00:09:21.66
>> Yes.
00:09:21.66\00:09:22.49
After you get frustrated, right,
00:09:22.49\00:09:24.13
of being silent and withdrawing,
00:09:24.13\00:09:26.06
so then you tend to fight back
00:09:26.06\00:09:28.16
with that harsh start up.
00:09:28.16\00:09:30.30
[MARLON] So here's an example
00:09:30.30\00:09:31.43
of a harsh startup
00:09:31.43\00:09:32.73
back when we were in
00:09:32.73\00:09:33.74
a negative perspective.
00:09:33.74\00:09:34.77
So I came home from work
00:09:34.77\00:09:36.27
and I come to the sink
00:09:36.27\00:09:38.24
full of dishes.
00:09:38.24\00:09:39.11
And it was just
00:09:39.11\00:09:40.01
like, there was sink-
00:09:40.01\00:09:41.01
it was just full of
00:09:41.01\00:09:41.94
dirty dishes and
00:09:41.94\00:09:43.21
it hadn't been done all day.
00:09:43.21\00:09:44.65
So I came home, I thought,
00:09:44.65\00:09:46.05
You know what, I'm gonna
00:09:46.05\00:09:47.02
clean all the dishes,
00:09:47.02\00:09:48.08
get them all ready for her,
00:09:48.08\00:09:49.48
and so when she came home,
00:09:49.48\00:09:50.95
she could relax and we could
00:09:50.95\00:09:51.99
have some quality time
00:09:51.99\00:09:53.02
with the kids in the family,
00:09:53.02\00:09:54.02
maybe go for a walk.
00:09:54.02\00:09:55.56
So I was all excited and
00:09:55.56\00:09:56.86
thinking, Oh, she's gonna love
00:09:56.86\00:09:58.09
how clean the kitchen looks.
00:09:58.09\00:09:59.26
And I had it all, had the
00:09:59.26\00:10:00.56
counters all clean and
00:10:00.56\00:10:01.53
everything looked really good.
00:10:01.53\00:10:03.20
And then all of a sudden
00:10:03.20\00:10:04.20
she came in the door and I'm
00:10:04.20\00:10:05.27
waiting for, a big thank you.
00:10:05.27\00:10:06.37
And I turned towards my wife and
00:10:06.37\00:10:07.57
I'm smiling, and she looks at me
00:10:07.57\00:10:08.97
and...
00:10:08.97\00:10:09.84
>> Honey...
00:10:10.54\00:10:11.44
...there's pots on the stove.
00:10:12.07\00:10:13.34
Like, why didn't you
00:10:13.34\00:10:14.91
finish the pots?
00:10:14.91\00:10:15.94
>> I was just letting them soak.
00:10:15.94\00:10:16.91
>> You know what?
00:10:16.91\00:10:18.15
You need to learn to finish
00:10:18.15\00:10:19.88
what you start.
00:10:19.88\00:10:20.68
>> They were caked on so bad...
00:10:20.68\00:10:21.75
>> You never finish a job.
00:10:21.75\00:10:23.95
>> And I couldn't find the
00:10:23.95\00:10:25.35
pot scrubber under the sink...
00:10:25.35\00:10:27.02
>> You always have excuses
00:10:27.02\00:10:28.52
for not finishing the dishes.
00:10:28.52\00:10:30.26
>> Honey, I just wanted to
00:10:30.26\00:10:31.29
get it clean for you.
00:10:31.29\00:10:32.53
You always just see
00:10:32.53\00:10:33.70
the pot that's not clean.
00:10:33.70\00:10:34.83
What about all the ones
00:10:34.83\00:10:35.76
I just finished for you?
00:10:35.76\00:10:36.63
I've been over an hour
00:10:36.63\00:10:37.63
cleaning the pots.
00:10:37.63\00:10:38.57
>> You're impossible.
00:10:38.57\00:10:39.90
>> Well, so are you.
00:10:40.54\00:10:41.94
>> Yeah, so really,
00:10:43.67\00:10:46.41
to do a re-do with this
00:10:46.41\00:10:48.08
and do a gentle startup
00:10:48.08\00:10:49.54
is what we had to learn.
00:10:49.54\00:10:51.65
So it was pretty harsh.
00:10:51.65\00:10:53.58
But we had a lot of these
00:10:53.58\00:10:55.38
harsh startups.
00:10:55.38\00:10:57.19
And learning to
00:10:57.19\00:10:59.02
rewrite our story
00:10:59.02\00:11:01.49
and to take the time
00:11:01.49\00:11:02.76
to give each other a chance
00:11:02.76\00:11:03.89
to do re-dos is so important.
00:11:03.89\00:11:06.16
So this is more of what a
00:11:06.16\00:11:07.76
gentle startup looks like
00:11:07.76\00:11:10.20
now for us.
00:11:10.20\00:11:11.80
I would come in from
00:11:11.80\00:11:13.57
after taking the kids to the
00:11:13.57\00:11:15.14
museum and I'd say,
00:11:15.14\00:11:16.97
"Oh honey, thank you so much
00:11:16.97\00:11:19.61
for doing the dishes.
00:11:19.61\00:11:20.64
There were two days of dishes.
00:11:20.64\00:11:22.14
I just didn't get to them."
00:11:22.14\00:11:23.55
>> I know you've been very busy,
00:11:23.55\00:11:24.68
Honey, I just wanted to make it
00:11:24.68\00:11:25.78
clean so maybe we can spend some
00:11:25.78\00:11:26.88
time together with the kids.
00:11:26.88\00:11:27.92
Maybe go for a walk
00:11:27.92\00:11:28.78
after dinner.
00:11:28.78\00:11:29.68
>> Yes.
00:11:29.68\00:11:30.25
And I see that
00:11:30.25\00:11:31.25
there's some pots on the stove,
00:11:31.25\00:11:32.69
so let me finish them up
00:11:32.69\00:11:34.39
for you.
00:11:34.39\00:11:35.02
>> Well, I was gonna get-
00:11:35.02\00:11:35.92
I was just letting them soak
00:11:35.92\00:11:36.83
for a bit.
00:11:36.83\00:11:37.63
>> I know, but you go get ready
00:11:37.63\00:11:39.46
for a walk, I think you said
00:11:39.46\00:11:40.86
you wanted to go for a walk.
00:11:40.86\00:11:41.83
So you go do that.
00:11:41.83\00:11:43.16
I'm ready to go
00:11:43.16\00:11:44.43
and I will finish up.
00:11:44.43\00:11:45.83
Thank you so much
00:11:45.83\00:11:47.04
for doing this for me.
00:11:47.04\00:11:48.34
I so appreciate it.
00:11:48.34\00:11:49.34
>> Oh you're welcome.
00:11:49.34\00:11:50.81
>> So quite a difference
00:11:50.81\00:11:52.17
between the two.
00:11:52.17\00:11:54.11
And, you know, the very first
00:11:54.11\00:11:55.81
few minutes or seconds even
00:11:55.81\00:11:57.51
of a conversation, John Gottman
00:11:57.51\00:12:00.15
found that, you know, this
00:12:00.15\00:12:02.32
really predicted which direction
00:12:02.32\00:12:04.85
the conversation was gonna go,
00:12:04.85\00:12:06.35
in which direction the
00:12:06.35\00:12:07.42
relationship is going to go.
00:12:07.42\00:12:09.82
>> So you kind of have to
00:12:09.82\00:12:10.79
bite your tongue
00:12:10.79\00:12:11.83
because it's really easy to...
00:12:11.83\00:12:14.23
...to go off in the
00:12:15.33\00:12:16.36
negative direction.
00:12:16.36\00:12:17.40
>> So to switch it,
00:12:17.40\00:12:19.80
it takes a lot of discipline
00:12:19.80\00:12:21.47
to really think in a loving way
00:12:21.47\00:12:23.54
and to be gentle.
00:12:23.54\00:12:25.64
How do you do that?
00:12:25.64\00:12:27.04
>> Building a friendship
00:12:28.34\00:12:30.11
is so key.
00:12:30.11\00:12:32.35
Because how I view my husband...
00:12:32.35\00:12:34.98
...and if we have a friendship,
00:12:35.62\00:12:37.79
I am going to naturally
00:12:37.79\00:12:39.49
have a more gentle startup.
00:12:39.49\00:12:42.19
But if I don't view him as
00:12:42.19\00:12:43.66
my teammate and my friend...
00:12:43.66\00:12:45.59
...I'm gonna more easily
00:12:46.86\00:12:48.50
have that harsh startup
00:12:48.50\00:12:49.76
in my conversation because I'm
00:12:49.76\00:12:51.60
seeing everything he does wrong.
00:12:51.60\00:12:53.94
And it's like we talked about
00:12:53.94\00:12:54.97
that positive perspective
00:12:54.97\00:12:57.37
in a relationship.
00:12:57.37\00:12:58.44
Do we see the positive or do we
00:12:58.44\00:13:00.08
have a negative perspective
00:13:00.08\00:13:01.41
where even the good things
00:13:01.41\00:13:02.81
that Marlon did
00:13:02.81\00:13:04.28
in our relationship,
00:13:04.28\00:13:06.11
I saw them as negative.
00:13:06.11\00:13:07.52
He would bring me flowers home
00:13:07.52\00:13:09.15
from work and I would throw them
00:13:09.15\00:13:11.75
in the trash
00:13:11.75\00:13:13.19
because he wasn't intentional.
00:13:13.19\00:13:15.62
I wanted him to buy them for me.
00:13:16.29\00:13:18.43
Now, when he brings flowers
00:13:18.43\00:13:19.76
home, I'm like, "Oh, thank you!"
00:13:19.76\00:13:21.70
And they're free.
00:13:21.70\00:13:22.66
Even better, they're free,
00:13:22.66\00:13:24.27
because we're in this
00:13:24.27\00:13:25.37
positive perspective.
00:13:25.37\00:13:27.34
So building that friendship
00:13:27.34\00:13:29.54
really, really helps
00:13:29.54\00:13:31.77
with the thought control
00:13:31.77\00:13:34.34
because our thoughts are already
00:13:34.34\00:13:35.81
positive towards that person.
00:13:35.81\00:13:38.01
>> What a difference
00:13:38.01\00:13:39.45
Doreen's gentle startup made.
00:13:39.45\00:13:41.65
>> Yes, it makes
00:13:41.65\00:13:42.58
a huge difference.
00:13:42.58\00:13:43.49
>> So now when you come into
00:13:43.49\00:13:45.02
the kitchen and you see
00:13:45.02\00:13:46.19
a pile of dishes and you had
00:13:46.19\00:13:48.26
such a gentle startup...
00:13:48.26\00:13:50.19
>> Yes, I'm motivated and
00:13:50.19\00:13:51.43
I wanna do more.
00:13:51.43\00:13:52.79
>> Whereas if it was harsh
00:13:53.50\00:13:55.70
and you see a pile of dishes,
00:13:55.70\00:13:57.80
>> Honestly, before I just
00:13:57.80\00:13:59.27
quit doing them, I just gave up
00:13:59.27\00:14:00.57
because I could never
00:14:00.57\00:14:01.40
do anything right.
00:14:01.40\00:14:02.34
It was never good enough.
00:14:02.34\00:14:03.27
So I just stopped doing it.
00:14:03.27\00:14:04.24
>> And that "never good enough"
00:14:04.24\00:14:06.47
is, they call that,
00:14:06.47\00:14:08.64
"negative perspective override"
00:14:08.64\00:14:10.78
or "negative sentiment
00:14:10.78\00:14:11.91
override."
00:14:11.91\00:14:12.58
So no matter how many positives
00:14:12.58\00:14:14.95
come in, when you have that
00:14:14.95\00:14:16.35
negative sentiment override,
00:14:16.35\00:14:17.99
you just see it as negative.
00:14:17.99\00:14:19.15
So Doreen says,
00:14:19.15\00:14:20.89
“I want flowers,”
00:14:20.89\00:14:22.02
but she was negative sentiment,
00:14:22.02\00:14:24.39
and so as soon as you bring her
00:14:24.39\00:14:25.63
flowers she throws them in
00:14:25.63\00:14:26.73
the garbage.
00:14:26.73\00:14:27.60
So no matter what you do,
00:14:27.60\00:14:28.96
it's sort of like you're in a
00:14:28.96\00:14:30.07
batting cage and the ball comes
00:14:30.07\00:14:31.93
and you just hit it back,
00:14:31.93\00:14:33.23
hit it back, hit it back.
00:14:33.23\00:14:34.40
So every time something positive
00:14:34.40\00:14:35.94
comes, you're just like,
00:14:35.94\00:14:36.94
"No...no...no!"
00:14:36.94\00:14:38.41
And- but when you get into that
00:14:38.41\00:14:41.04
friendship which is
00:14:41.04\00:14:42.84
positive sentiment override,
00:14:42.84\00:14:45.18
when negativity comes in,
00:14:45.18\00:14:47.28
you can look at it and you can
00:14:47.28\00:14:48.48
say, "Ahh.
00:14:48.48\00:14:49.58
Hmm, I wonder what's wrong."
00:14:49.58\00:14:50.72
Right, and it's dealt with as
00:14:50.72\00:14:53.49
you always see the best
00:14:53.49\00:14:55.02
in each other.
00:14:55.02\00:14:55.92
>> Give each other
00:14:55.92\00:14:56.89
the benefit of the doubt.
00:14:56.89\00:14:58.06
>> Right.
00:14:58.06\00:14:58.79
And it's more gracious.
00:14:58.79\00:15:00.23
>> So do you guys have an
00:15:00.23\00:15:01.23
example you can share with us?
00:15:01.23\00:15:02.50
>> Oh...
00:15:02.50\00:15:03.20
>> Okay...
00:15:03.20\00:15:04.00
>> I know you guys are
00:15:04.00\00:15:05.03
the masters, but...
00:15:05.03\00:15:06.20
>> We never have any
00:15:06.20\00:15:07.17
bad examples, but we can
00:15:07.17\00:15:09.00
try and figure something out.
00:15:09.00\00:15:10.57
We'll make it up.
00:15:10.57\00:15:12.04
>> I'll do a harsh startup
00:15:12.04\00:15:13.88
of a perpetual problem.
00:15:13.88\00:15:15.34
>> We do?
00:15:15.34\00:15:16.14
>> And the perpetual problem is
00:15:16.14\00:15:17.91
Mike having long showers.
00:15:17.91\00:15:19.98
>> Okay, let's hear it.
00:15:19.98\00:15:22.08
>> But that's not a problem...
00:15:22.08\00:15:23.69
>> Okay.
00:15:23.69\00:15:24.59
Michael, why do you always
00:15:26.19\00:15:28.46
have to take such long showers?
00:15:28.46\00:15:30.69
Not short ones, ten...
00:15:30.69\00:15:32.13
ten, 15 minutes long.
00:15:32.13\00:15:33.26
>> That's not a long shower.
00:15:33.26\00:15:35.23
That's a...
00:15:35.23\00:15:36.16
>> A long shower!
00:15:36.16\00:15:37.27
>> That's a good shower.
00:15:37.27\00:15:38.40
>> Can you just listen to me.
00:15:38.40\00:15:40.37
>> Okay.
00:15:40.37\00:15:40.97
>> Just look at me and
00:15:40.97\00:15:41.80
listen to me.
00:15:41.80\00:15:42.67
>> I'm looking.
00:15:42.67\00:15:43.44
>> No, you shower for so long,
00:15:43.44\00:15:45.81
I end up having a cold shower,
00:15:45.81\00:15:48.88
an ice-cold shower.
00:15:48.88\00:15:50.61
You are so selfish
00:15:50.61\00:15:51.91
and inconsiderate.
00:15:51.91\00:15:53.18
You only think about yourself.
00:15:53.18\00:15:54.85
What is wrong with you?
00:15:54.85\00:15:56.89
>> That's not very nice.
00:15:56.89\00:15:58.12
>> Wow, that was pretty-
00:15:58.12\00:15:59.05
That was harsh.
00:15:59.05\00:16:00.09
I didn't know René
00:16:00.09\00:16:00.82
had that in her.
00:16:00.82\00:16:01.52
Wow!
00:16:01.52\00:16:02.16
[laughter]
00:16:02.16\00:16:02.79
>> I hope no one's watching TV
00:16:02.79\00:16:04.46
right now and they're like,
00:16:04.46\00:16:05.73
Something's wrong with
00:16:05.73\00:16:06.66
the Lemons' relationship.
00:16:06.66\00:16:08.40
>> She really had a lemon
00:16:08.40\00:16:09.40
this morning.
00:16:09.40\00:16:10.30
>> René usually doesn't
00:16:10.83\00:16:11.93
behave this way.
00:16:11.93\00:16:13.30
This is out of character
00:16:13.30\00:16:14.40
completely...so...
00:16:14.40\00:16:15.67
>> So there's a formula
00:16:15.67\00:16:18.21
for a gentle startup.
00:16:18.21\00:16:20.28
>> And a formula for
00:16:20.28\00:16:21.34
a harsh startup here.
00:16:21.34\00:16:22.51
So what we're talking about here
00:16:22.51\00:16:24.08
is what was she saying a lot
00:16:24.08\00:16:26.15
to me?
00:16:26.15\00:16:27.08
>> "You always..."
00:16:27.08\00:16:29.72
"You never..."
00:16:29.72\00:16:30.35
"You're inconsiderate.
00:16:30.35\00:16:31.15
You don't think of me.
00:16:31.15\00:16:31.79
You just think of yourself."
00:16:31.79\00:16:32.95
It's all about you.
00:16:32.95\00:16:33.69
>> Yeah, I like the
00:16:33.69\00:16:34.42
good question.
00:16:34.42\00:16:35.16
"What's wrong with you?"
00:16:35.16\00:16:36.22
>> Yes.
00:16:36.22\00:16:37.09
>> Got lots of problems.
00:16:37.49\00:16:39.49
I can list them out for you.
00:16:39.49\00:16:40.86
Okay.
00:16:40.86\00:16:41.83
>> So there's a formula
00:16:41.83\00:16:43.50
for a gentle startup.
00:16:43.50\00:16:45.97
So let's go through that formula
00:16:45.97\00:16:48.04
and then we'll-
00:16:48.04\00:16:49.54
I'll do the gentle startup.
00:16:49.54\00:16:51.24
>> So the first thing is
00:16:51.24\00:16:53.07
"I appreciate."
00:16:53.07\00:16:54.64
So we're going to say something
00:16:54.64\00:16:56.44
that we appreciate...
00:16:56.44\00:16:57.88
>> Which is hard to do
00:16:57.88\00:16:59.31
when you're in a
00:16:59.31\00:17:00.42
negative frame of mind.
00:17:00.42\00:17:01.88
So it kind of could
00:17:01.88\00:17:03.35
come across as phony
00:17:03.35\00:17:04.82
to yourself.
00:17:04.82\00:17:05.92
But you gotta think of the best
00:17:05.92\00:17:07.22
in the other person
00:17:07.22\00:17:08.39
and you gotta practice this.
00:17:08.39\00:17:09.89
It's not easy.
00:17:09.89\00:17:11.09
Yeah.
00:17:11.09\00:17:11.63
>> And then the second one was
00:17:11.76\00:17:13.90
"I feel."
00:17:13.90\00:17:15.16
So you take...
00:17:15.16\00:17:17.03
...responsibility for
00:17:17.90\00:17:20.00
your feelings.
00:17:20.00\00:17:21.54
"I feel."
00:17:21.54\00:17:22.87
And then the third thing is
00:17:22.87\00:17:24.77
"About," about the actual
00:17:24.77\00:17:27.04
scenario so you don't
00:17:27.04\00:17:29.24
bring up what's happened
00:17:29.24\00:17:31.18
in the past.
00:17:31.18\00:17:32.51
And then the fourth one is
00:17:32.51\00:17:34.85
"I need."
00:17:34.85\00:17:36.42
So...
00:17:36.42\00:17:37.02
>> And that's really important
00:17:37.09\00:17:38.05
to state what you need
00:17:38.05\00:17:40.09
and say, "I need," not
00:17:40.09\00:17:41.89
"You never do this for me,"
00:17:41.89\00:17:43.56
but, "I need this."
00:17:43.56\00:17:45.13
And so that's actually
00:17:45.13\00:17:47.00
going into the area of saying
00:17:47.00\00:17:49.86
I do have a bit of a
00:17:49.86\00:17:51.00
complaint here, but it's not
00:17:51.00\00:17:52.20
a criticism of you.
00:17:52.20\00:17:53.70
It's how I'm feeling.
00:17:53.70\00:17:55.40
Right?
00:17:55.40\00:17:55.87
Because of course you would
00:17:56.07\00:17:56.91
feel that way if I'm using
00:17:56.91\00:17:58.27
all the hot water and you never
00:17:58.27\00:17:59.47
get a hot shower.
00:17:59.47\00:18:00.58
You get all the cold water.
00:18:00.58\00:18:01.64
Yeah.
00:18:01.64\00:18:02.34
>> And so once again,
00:18:02.34\00:18:03.68
we're using "I"
00:18:03.68\00:18:06.45
instead of "you."
00:18:06.45\00:18:08.78
>> Right.
00:18:08.78\00:18:09.48
>> Okay, so let's do the
00:18:09.48\00:18:11.35
gentle startup.
00:18:11.35\00:18:12.19
>> Okay, I'm ready.
00:18:12.19\00:18:13.09
>> Okay.
00:18:13.09\00:18:13.96
[laughs]
00:18:13.96\00:18:15.02
>> Love...
00:18:15.76\00:18:16.62
...I really appreciates
00:18:17.13\00:18:18.59
how cleanliness is such
00:18:18.59\00:18:20.63
an important thing for you.
00:18:20.63\00:18:22.50
>> It is very important.
00:18:22.50\00:18:23.60
>> And when you use
00:18:23.60\00:18:24.67
that aftershave...
00:18:24.67\00:18:26.17
>> You've noticed?
00:18:26.17\00:18:27.34
>> I did and it smells so good.
00:18:27.34\00:18:29.54
>> Oh, I know.
00:18:29.54\00:18:30.81
>> But you know,
00:18:30.81\00:18:31.67
I really feel frustrated
00:18:31.67\00:18:34.68
when I end up having
00:18:34.68\00:18:36.01
cold showers.
00:18:36.01\00:18:37.18
>> Oh, I'd feel frustrated, too.
00:18:37.18\00:18:38.41
I don't like cold showers.
00:18:38.41\00:18:39.35
>> I wonder if you could just
00:18:39.35\00:18:40.35
maybe let me shower first
00:18:40.35\00:18:42.98
or shower a little bit shorter.
00:18:42.98\00:18:45.75
But how about me
00:18:45.75\00:18:46.72
showering first?
00:18:46.72\00:18:47.52
Would that be okay?
00:18:47.52\00:18:48.46
>> Yeah, that's a better idea.
00:18:48.46\00:18:49.39
I can't have a short shower.
00:18:49.39\00:18:51.16
I like a long shower.
00:18:51.16\00:18:52.39
>> Okay, thank you.
00:18:52.39\00:18:53.63
>> Oh, that's wonderful.
00:18:53.63\00:18:54.93
That worked well.
00:18:56.56\00:18:57.97
>> Much better.
00:18:57.97\00:18:58.87
>> Much better, yeah!
00:18:58.87\00:19:01.17
>> And you know what
00:19:01.17\00:19:02.24
most couples miss out on is
00:19:02.24\00:19:04.74
not expressing what
00:19:04.74\00:19:05.77
their need is.
00:19:05.77\00:19:07.01
They only get to you
00:19:07.01\00:19:09.84
[laughs]
00:19:09.84\00:19:11.01
and what you don't do wrong and
00:19:11.01\00:19:13.01
they express the frustration,
00:19:13.01\00:19:15.85
but they don't get to
00:19:15.85\00:19:17.09
what I need.
00:19:17.09\00:19:19.22
So it's so important to carry
00:19:19.22\00:19:20.69
the conversation, even if you're
00:19:20.69\00:19:22.06
doing it in a harsh start up,
00:19:22.06\00:19:23.73
to include what you need.
00:19:23.73\00:19:26.23
And so important to
00:19:26.23\00:19:27.40
give each other grace
00:19:27.40\00:19:28.46
to do the re-do.
00:19:28.46\00:19:30.00
If you just had a
00:19:30.00\00:19:31.07
negative interaction, to really
00:19:31.07\00:19:32.67
take the time to give each other
00:19:32.67\00:19:34.14
grace, to say, "Hey...
00:19:34.14\00:19:35.30
...I need to start over.
00:19:36.10\00:19:37.57
Let me start over with a
00:19:37.57\00:19:38.74
gentle startup.
00:19:38.74\00:19:39.77
>> And how easy is it for you
00:19:39.77\00:19:41.94
not to use gentle startups?
00:19:41.94\00:19:44.51
>> Well, this is something that
00:19:46.15\00:19:48.62
started out being really clunky
00:19:48.62\00:19:50.49
for us to perfect
00:19:50.49\00:19:52.65
and it does feel that way.
00:19:52.65\00:19:54.22
But the beauty is, is at
00:19:54.22\00:19:55.62
any point of the conflict,
00:19:55.62\00:19:58.03
you can choose to get off
00:19:58.03\00:19:59.13
that crazy cycle
00:19:59.13\00:20:00.76
and you can choose to just stop
00:20:00.76\00:20:03.40
and then say, "Okay,
00:20:03.40\00:20:04.93
let's just do a re-do."
00:20:04.93\00:20:06.90
And the beauty of doing these
00:20:06.90\00:20:08.67
re-dos is that it creates that
00:20:08.67\00:20:11.04
neuroplasticity in the brain,
00:20:11.04\00:20:13.14
where it starts to create
00:20:13.14\00:20:14.51
a new story in the brain.
00:20:14.51\00:20:16.88
And when you process the
00:20:16.88\00:20:18.61
regrettable incident, you're
00:20:18.61\00:20:20.68
really, truly understanding
00:20:20.68\00:20:22.55
what was the need behind
00:20:22.55\00:20:24.89
that conflict?
00:20:24.89\00:20:25.82
What was the unmet need
00:20:25.82\00:20:27.22
or dream.
00:20:27.22\00:20:28.79
So this is really
00:20:28.79\00:20:31.46
a great way
00:20:31.46\00:20:32.46
to practice a gentle startup
00:20:32.46\00:20:34.20
when a harsh startup
00:20:34.20\00:20:35.23
has happened.
00:20:35.23\00:20:36.63
So even though a harsh startup
00:20:36.63\00:20:38.60
happens still
00:20:38.60\00:20:40.34
in our relationship,
00:20:40.34\00:20:42.14
we have the choice to either
00:20:42.14\00:20:43.94
continue down that path
00:20:43.94\00:20:46.21
or to just stop,
00:20:46.21\00:20:48.11
do the re-do and practice a
00:20:48.11\00:20:49.68
gentle startup, and to ask those
00:20:49.68\00:20:52.05
open-ended questions
00:20:52.05\00:20:54.32
about okay, what was the
00:20:54.32\00:20:55.85
unmet need or dream here?
00:20:55.85\00:20:57.29
What was the reason for this?
00:20:57.29\00:20:59.69
Because usually it's not the
00:20:59.69\00:21:00.99
incident, it's something
00:21:00.99\00:21:02.62
in behind that's not being met
00:21:02.62\00:21:05.69
in our lives,
00:21:05.69\00:21:06.96
unmet needs that create it
00:21:06.96\00:21:09.10
and cause that harsh startup
00:21:09.10\00:21:10.93
to come out.
00:21:10.93\00:21:12.13
So the more you
00:21:12.13\00:21:13.40
build that friendship
00:21:13.40\00:21:15.17
of knowing each other,
00:21:15.17\00:21:17.04
loving each other,
00:21:17.04\00:21:18.54
and being there for each other
00:21:18.54\00:21:20.14
and having each other's back,
00:21:20.14\00:21:21.68
learning to be on the same team
00:21:21.68\00:21:23.98
is what really happens when you
00:21:23.98\00:21:26.08
keep practising the
00:21:26.08\00:21:27.32
gentle startup.
00:21:27.32\00:21:28.58
[calm music]
00:21:28.58\00:21:31.65
¤¤
00:21:31.65\00:21:34.66
One of the key things for
00:21:34.99\00:21:36.22
building friendships so that
00:21:36.22\00:21:37.79
we can...
00:21:37.79\00:21:38.73
...it's much easier to do these
00:21:39.79\00:21:41.66
gentle startups is
00:21:41.66\00:21:43.47
creating something that
00:21:43.47\00:21:44.70
builds friendship, which is
00:21:44.70\00:21:46.37
really, we call them love habits
00:21:46.37\00:21:48.40
or Dr. John Gottman calls them
00:21:48.40\00:21:50.37
"rituals of connection."
00:21:50.37\00:21:52.57
So these are things that you do
00:21:52.57\00:21:54.14
daily, you do weekly,
00:21:54.14\00:21:56.58
and then maybe bigger events
00:21:56.58\00:21:57.88
that might be monthly or
00:21:57.88\00:21:58.91
quarterly or yearly,
00:21:58.91\00:22:00.25
depending on your finances,
00:22:00.25\00:22:01.88
right, and what you want those
00:22:01.88\00:22:03.45
big events to be.
00:22:03.45\00:22:05.52
But for us, I love our
00:22:05.52\00:22:07.46
morning routine of connection,
00:22:07.46\00:22:09.96
which- and Marlon actually
00:22:09.96\00:22:11.23
likes that even more than me
00:22:11.23\00:22:12.39
because it's physical touch
00:22:12.39\00:22:13.76
and it's a six-second kiss,
00:22:13.76\00:22:15.56
which has been scientifically
00:22:15.56\00:22:17.00
studied to create connection.
00:22:17.00\00:22:19.03
It takes six seconds
00:22:19.03\00:22:20.74
of kissing to create
00:22:20.74\00:22:21.80
the emotional connection.
00:22:21.80\00:22:23.04
>> Release those hormones,
00:22:23.04\00:22:24.07
oxytocin, that cuddle hormone,
00:22:24.07\00:22:25.77
that love hormone.
00:22:25.77\00:22:26.84
>> And then we add in there a
00:22:26.84\00:22:27.98
20-second hug, which is the same
00:22:27.98\00:22:29.61
principle, takes that long
00:22:29.61\00:22:31.65
to create emotional connection.
00:22:31.65\00:22:33.21
And you often know what it
00:22:33.21\00:22:34.85
feels like when someone hugs you
00:22:34.85\00:22:36.08
too long that maybe you don't
00:22:36.08\00:22:37.39
know them.
00:22:37.39\00:22:38.39
It can feel uncomfortable.
00:22:38.39\00:22:39.92
It's like, okay,
00:22:39.92\00:22:40.86
you're my friend, but...
00:22:40.86\00:22:42.29
But with your partner,
00:22:42.29\00:22:44.33
that 20-second embrace
00:22:44.33\00:22:47.20
creates an emotional connection.
00:22:47.20\00:22:48.46
How much time do we take
00:22:48.46\00:22:50.80
daily to have a six-second kiss
00:22:50.80\00:22:52.53
and a 20-second hug?
00:22:52.53\00:22:54.37
>> We kind of a peck on the
00:22:54.37\00:22:55.40
cheek or say, "Hey, honey,
00:22:55.40\00:22:56.64
I'm out the door.
00:22:56.64\00:22:57.31
See you tonight."
00:22:57.31\00:22:58.11
So we don't build a connection
00:22:58.11\00:22:59.31
before we even, you know,
00:22:59.31\00:23:01.01
leave for the day.
00:23:01.01\00:23:01.71
So that's one thing
00:23:01.71\00:23:03.04
that takes five minutes.
00:23:03.04\00:23:04.15
It's not a long time, but it
00:23:04.15\00:23:05.01
just like, builds that little
00:23:05.01\00:23:07.08
connection and gives us
00:23:07.08\00:23:08.35
something to look forward,
00:23:08.35\00:23:09.38
you know, when we come home.
00:23:09.38\00:23:10.65
You know, one of the things that
00:23:10.65\00:23:11.69
we hear most from couples that
00:23:11.69\00:23:13.36
we just don't have enough time
00:23:13.36\00:23:15.32
to connect.
00:23:15.32\00:23:17.19
And how can you rebuild
00:23:17.19\00:23:18.59
a friendship or
00:23:18.59\00:23:19.59
create that friendship
00:23:19.59\00:23:21.23
without taking the time?
00:23:21.23\00:23:22.43
So we intentionally, we schedule
00:23:22.43\00:23:23.63
things, we plan it.
00:23:23.63\00:23:24.70
So we have our weekly date night
00:23:24.70\00:23:26.33
for two hours to stay connected.
00:23:26.33\00:23:28.37
So that's another one of our
00:23:28.37\00:23:29.34
rituals of connections, we just-
00:23:29.34\00:23:30.37
And whether it's going out for
00:23:30.37\00:23:31.57
a meal or staying at home making
00:23:31.57\00:23:32.91
a meal together or just
00:23:32.91\00:23:34.34
whatever, it could be a walk
00:23:34.34\00:23:35.81
or go to the park.
00:23:35.81\00:23:36.78
It can be something simple,
00:23:36.78\00:23:37.78
but just time to connect and ask
00:23:37.78\00:23:39.38
those open-ended questions
00:23:39.38\00:23:40.52
and get deeper into that
00:23:40.52\00:23:41.68
heart connection.
00:23:41.68\00:23:42.68
>> Yeah, and taking the time
00:23:42.68\00:23:44.19
daily to connect and debrief
00:23:44.19\00:23:46.69
the day and not just talk about
00:23:46.69\00:23:48.89
the surface emotions.
00:23:48.89\00:23:49.99
So really getting into
00:23:49.99\00:23:52.29
a heart conversation
00:23:52.29\00:23:54.30
and just asking, "Okay,
00:23:54.30\00:23:56.40
how is your heart today?
00:23:56.40\00:23:58.07
Like, are you doing okay?
00:23:58.07\00:24:00.04
Or tell me more about that.
00:24:00.04\00:24:02.57
You know, what made that
00:24:02.57\00:24:03.61
difficult for you?"
00:24:03.61\00:24:04.97
And being curious.
00:24:04.97\00:24:06.81
It's amazing when you
00:24:06.81\00:24:08.24
talk to someone
00:24:08.24\00:24:09.91
and they're asking you
00:24:09.91\00:24:11.01
all these questions,
00:24:11.01\00:24:13.31
it really makes you feel like,
00:24:13.31\00:24:14.75
"Oh wow, they really wanna
00:24:14.75\00:24:16.15
get to know me."
00:24:16.15\00:24:18.35
And in a relationship,
00:24:18.35\00:24:20.09
it's- that's what you wanna do.
00:24:20.09\00:24:21.79
You wanna make each other feel
00:24:21.79\00:24:23.16
like you want to know
00:24:23.16\00:24:25.09
that person.
00:24:25.09\00:24:25.73
>> So at the end of the day,
00:24:25.73\00:24:26.90
when- if I'm coming home and
00:24:26.90\00:24:28.56
we've been, you know,
00:24:28.56\00:24:29.80
she's been out or
00:24:29.80\00:24:30.73
she's been at home or working
00:24:30.73\00:24:32.17
when we meet again, it's just
00:24:32.17\00:24:33.23
taking that time just to
00:24:33.23\00:24:34.40
reconnect and have that
00:24:34.40\00:24:36.64
stress-reducing conversation
00:24:36.64\00:24:37.97
as you were talking about.
00:24:37.97\00:24:38.94
So a lot of times we don't
00:24:38.94\00:24:39.94
take that time just, you know,
00:24:39.94\00:24:41.44
we just need that chance to
00:24:41.44\00:24:42.81
de-stress and, "Hey, Honey,
00:24:42.81\00:24:44.01
how was your day?"
00:24:44.01\00:24:45.01
We just have that, you know,
00:24:45.01\00:24:45.98
take ten, 15 minutes.
00:24:45.98\00:24:47.02
Again, just a quick check in.
00:24:47.02\00:24:48.18
But a lot of times we're so
00:24:48.18\00:24:49.12
busy when we come home,
00:24:49.12\00:24:49.95
one's making dinner,
00:24:49.95\00:24:50.89
one's preparing this,
00:24:50.89\00:24:51.89
one's looking out for the kids.
00:24:51.89\00:24:52.82
We don't even take the time
00:24:52.82\00:24:53.92
to reconnect.
00:24:53.92\00:24:54.79
So to us that's been a
00:24:54.79\00:24:56.29
really another important factor
00:24:56.29\00:24:57.59
to add into our...
00:24:57.59\00:24:58.59
>> It is.
00:24:58.59\00:24:59.26
Or sometimes we're in
00:24:59.26\00:25:00.80
silent treatment mode
00:25:00.80\00:25:02.16
where we've had a conflict
00:25:02.16\00:25:03.80
and it's lasted for days,
00:25:03.80\00:25:05.73
then some couples that last
00:25:05.73\00:25:07.17
for weeks and then they're
00:25:07.17\00:25:09.00
so drifted apart.
00:25:09.00\00:25:10.21
So getting back to
00:25:10.21\00:25:12.31
taking time
00:25:12.31\00:25:13.84
to reconnect on a daily basis
00:25:13.84\00:25:16.18
and build that friendship again
00:25:16.18\00:25:18.31
through these little
00:25:18.31\00:25:19.41
love habits.
00:25:19.41\00:25:20.78
It's so important.
00:25:20.78\00:25:22.22
>> Thank you so much
00:25:23.85\00:25:24.89
for sharing with us again,
00:25:24.89\00:25:26.52
Marlon and Doreen.
00:25:26.52\00:25:27.56
And I wonder, before we end, if
00:25:27.56\00:25:30.53
you could pray for our viewers.
00:25:30.53\00:25:31.83
There may be people who are
00:25:31.83\00:25:33.09
watching and saying, you know,
00:25:33.09\00:25:34.36
"I really am struggling in this
00:25:34.36\00:25:36.33
area of my life or that area
00:25:36.33\00:25:38.07
of my life and I would really
00:25:38.07\00:25:39.43
like to be a master
00:25:39.43\00:25:41.17
and not a disaster."
00:25:41.17\00:25:42.77
And maybe we can just pause
00:25:42.77\00:25:44.97
for a moment and pray for them.
00:25:44.97\00:25:46.24
>> Sure, okay.
00:25:46.24\00:25:47.31
Dear Heavenly Father, Lord,
00:25:48.21\00:25:49.68
we just want to pray
00:25:49.68\00:25:50.91
for each of the viewers
00:25:50.91\00:25:51.95
relationships, Lord, whatever
00:25:51.95\00:25:53.98
state it is in.
00:25:53.98\00:25:55.22
If there's been some criticism
00:25:55.22\00:25:57.15
or harsh startups, Lord,
00:25:57.15\00:25:58.95
we just ask that You would
00:25:58.95\00:26:00.62
give them the grace and mercy
00:26:00.62\00:26:02.42
to turn that into a
00:26:02.42\00:26:03.69
gentle startup,
00:26:03.69\00:26:04.96
that their negative perspective
00:26:04.96\00:26:06.56
would change into
00:26:06.56\00:26:07.60
a positive perspective.
00:26:07.60\00:26:08.93
>> And Heavenly Father, if that
00:26:09.70\00:26:11.57
loving feeling has been
00:26:11.57\00:26:14.54
missing from their relationship,
00:26:14.54\00:26:17.24
I just pray that they will
00:26:17.24\00:26:19.24
just make a choice to choose
00:26:19.24\00:26:21.81
to rebuild their friendship,
00:26:21.81\00:26:23.98
rebuild that foundation of love
00:26:23.98\00:26:26.85
and take the time
00:26:26.85\00:26:28.25
and be intentional
00:26:28.25\00:26:29.88
to make it happen
00:26:29.88\00:26:30.99
and just turn towards each other
00:26:30.99\00:26:33.69
and fulfill those needs and bids
00:26:33.69\00:26:35.69
in each other's life, I pray.
00:26:35.69\00:26:37.53
Amen.
00:26:37.53\00:26:38.23
[ALL] Amen.
00:26:38.23\00:26:39.09
>> Doreen and Marlon, thank you
00:26:40.13\00:26:41.40
so much for joining us on
00:26:41.40\00:26:43.13
It Is Written Canada today.
00:26:43.13\00:26:44.67
>> You're welcome.
00:26:44.67\00:26:45.53
It was, again, it was
00:26:45.53\00:26:46.57
our pleasure.
00:26:46.57\00:26:47.44
>> Yes.
00:26:47.44\00:26:48.44
>> Friends, when it comes to
00:26:50.71\00:26:51.77
marriage, there is always room
00:26:51.77\00:26:54.44
for growth because we all
00:26:54.44\00:26:56.71
want to be like the masters.
00:26:56.71\00:26:59.38
Our free offer for you today
00:26:59.38\00:27:02.15
is How To Love Your Marriage.
00:27:02.15\00:27:04.82
>> Learn how to reclaim intimacy
00:27:05.89\00:27:08.42
with your spouse
00:27:08.42\00:27:09.79
and ten ways to renew
00:27:09.79\00:27:11.89
your marital happiness.
00:27:11.89\00:27:14.10
How To Love Your Marriage
00:27:14.10\00:27:15.80
offers biblical answers
00:27:15.80\00:27:17.83
and practical tips
00:27:17.83\00:27:19.40
for improving your marriage.
00:27:19.40\00:27:22.14
Before you go, we would like to
00:27:23.51\00:27:25.74
thank all of you who have
00:27:25.74\00:27:27.74
supported the ministry of
00:27:27.74\00:27:29.51
It Is Written Canada
00:27:29.51\00:27:31.35
with your prayers and
00:27:31.35\00:27:33.05
financial contributions.
00:27:33.05\00:27:35.38
Without your support,
00:27:35.38\00:27:37.52
this television ministry
00:27:37.52\00:27:39.65
could not have reached
00:27:39.65\00:27:40.96
so many people
00:27:40.96\00:27:42.39
for so many decades.
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> Yes, thank you.
00:27:44.56\00:27:46.09
And we would like to invite you
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to follow us on Instagram and
00:27:48.46\00:27:50.47
Facebook and subscribe to our
00:27:50.47\00:27:52.33
YouTube channel, and also
00:27:52.33\00:27:54.20
listen to our podcasts.
00:27:54.20\00:27:55.77
And if you go to our website,
00:27:55.77\00:27:56.57
And if you go to our website,
00:27:56.57\00:27:57.64
you can see our latest programs.
00:27:57.64\00:28:00.14
>> Friends, to be honest,
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Jesus is offering you a life
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that is beyond our
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ongoing struggles with the pain,
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suffering, and sorrows
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of this life.
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We would like to recommend
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you open the Bible
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where it is recorded that
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Jesus Himself found His
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assurance to defeat the devil
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through the Word of His Father
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when He declared...
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>> What is wrong with you?
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>> Oh wow, you're completely
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out of character here, Love.
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That's not the usual.
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Can you imagine René
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being like that?
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>> Okay, stop...
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I don't react like that.
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