[RENÉ] Welcome to It Is
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Written Canada.
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Thank you for joining us in
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beautiful Kelowna, British
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Columbia.
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Our special guest again is Don
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Straub, a practising clinical
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counsellor who helps people
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struggling with everyday
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problems by giving them
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powerful, practical solutions.
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>> Don is going to examine
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whether or not self-love is an
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oxymoron or an expression that
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some see as an incongruous,
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seemingly self-contradictory
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term.
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Don, welcome back to It Is
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Written Canada.
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>> Thank you, I feel
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privileged to be here today.
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>> Don, today you're going to
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be talking to us about
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self-love.
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Isn't self-love selfish?
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>> Well, if you think about
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it, true love is never selfish.
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The problem is that in the
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world there is a false kind of
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love and that's what makes
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people nervous about
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this topic.
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But when you think about the
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word, "love," the word,
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"love," is actually a verb,
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it's an action.
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And let's look at
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1 Corinthians 13 where Paul
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describes love.
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He says...
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So when you think of those
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words of action, wow!
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Love is a wonderful thing,
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a God-like thing.
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I find it interesting that
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Paul actually emphasizes
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things that love is not more
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than what he says love is,
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like he says it's not
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irritable, it's not boastful,
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it's not jealous.
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When I was teaching religion
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in grade 11 and 12 grades
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years ago and I would come to
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this topic, I would ask the
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students: define love.
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And at first the students
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would just go, like,
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speechless, they had nothing
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to say.
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But I would wait.
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Finally somebody would say,
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"Love is caring."
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I'd say, "Yes, love is caring."
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"More."
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And they would start to come
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up with all of these wonderful
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synonyms like love is being
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polite, love is being kind,
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love is being respectful, love
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is helping people.
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And they just intuitively
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understood love is an action
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and all of these wonderful
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actions are beautiful, they're
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never sinful.
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So if that's what love is,
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then how could we not love
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ourselves in that sense
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of the word?
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There's another thing about
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love that I think people don't
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quite understand.
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Some people talk about
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unconditional love as if it's
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another kind of love,
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but there's only one kind of
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love, it has to be
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unconditional or it's not love.
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Remember, we can't force love,
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you can't buy love.
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God is a God of love and
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freedom so it has to be freely
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given, unconditionally, or it
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can't be love.
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>> One of the most well-known
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sayings of Jesus is, "Love one"
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"another as you love yourself."
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So what are your thoughts on
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that, Don?
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>> That is a beautiful text
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and I think sometimes to
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understand a verse, we might
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wanna look at what it does
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not say.
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You see, Jesus said,
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"Love your neighbour as"
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"yourself," He did not say,
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"Love your neighbour better"
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"than yourself."
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Now, I used to teach math in
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high school also and my
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favourite section was solving
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equations.
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So you're all familiar with
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equations, they have an equal
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sign in the middle and then
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they have a right side and a
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left side and we're-- each
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side is equal to each other.
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Like, we could say, "7+3=10."
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But we could also put "10" on
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this side and "7+3" on this
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side and say "10=7+3."
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So you look at the word, "as,"
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it's like that equal sign.
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"Love your neighbour as,"
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equals, "yourself,"
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love yourself.
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"Love yourself as your"
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"neighbour," we could say it
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backwards, too.
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So they're basically one and
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the same thing.
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>> So, Don, you mentioned that
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there is this false kind of
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love that is very prevalent in
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the world today.
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What does this kind of love
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look like?
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>> Well, in my world of
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counselling, we call this
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false love, "co-dependency."
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It's more about the motive of
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loving, like, why does a
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person love and true love is
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all about just loving
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unconditionally whereas
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co-dependency is loving
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and expecting love
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to get something.
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Like, in other words, a person
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who is co-dependent is really
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stuck in a really deep place
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of low self-worth, they don't
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like themself, they don't love
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themself, and they're looking
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for other people to love them
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and they're trying to get that
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love from other people.
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>> Is there a better way of
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looking at it than
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co-dependency?
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Is there another way of
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understanding that?
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>> Yes, I believe there is
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because the word,
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"co-dependency," really means
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external dependency, a
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favourite author of mine
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introduced me to that word,
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Robert Bernie.
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External dependency tells us
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that we look for our worth,
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our value, outside of ourself.
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We may look to our career,
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money in the bank, our house,
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the vehicle we drive, we might
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look to a relationship.
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We look to these external
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things to feel worthy and
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valuable rather than
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understanding that we already
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are worthy and valuable.
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>> Don, isn't looking to God
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for our self-worth and value
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looking externally?
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Aren't you telling us to look
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within ourselves for our worth
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and value?
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>> And that's why a lot of
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people get afraid of this idea
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of self-love.
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But what this is not saying,
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we're not saying that we're
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better than someone else,
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we're not saying that we're
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God, what we are saying is
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we're seeing the worth and
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value in ourselves that God
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sees and God declares about us.
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That's all it is.
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To do otherwise would be to
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call God a liar.
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The fact is that a lot of
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people hate themselves,
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they don't love themselves.
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As a matter of fact, they know
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that people self-talk about
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50,000 words in a day.
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Now most of those words are
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pretty benign and neutral, but
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so much of it is self-talk
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that is very negative and
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putting ourselves down,
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"Oh, I'm such an idiot,"
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"I'm no good, I'll never get"
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"this right, I'm a loser,"
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"I can't do anything, I don't"
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"deserve this, I don't"
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"deserve that."
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All of these lies that we tell
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ourselves, that's not loving.
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If you said all those things
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to your neighbour, would that
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be loving?
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Absolutely not.
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So we need to stop this
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"stinking thinking," we need
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to turn that around and tell
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ourselves truth and that's how
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we love ourselves, by telling
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ourselves the truth about
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ourselves, the truth that God
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has told us about ourselves.
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You know, the trouble in our
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world of co-dependency where
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we're always looking outside
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of ourselves for worth and
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value, we look to our body
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shape, we look to money, we
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look to careers, we look to
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all these external things and
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it's never enough.
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It's never enough.
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How much money does it take to
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satisfy a man or a woman?
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It's always a little more,
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always a little more,
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it's never enough.
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You know, our whole world kind
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of supports that and fosters
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those ideas.
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When you think about it, all
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the advertisements you see in
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magazines and on media,
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they're all telling us that if
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you don't eat this, wear this,
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drive this, you're not enough.
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And so we're programmed into
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co-dependency, it's kind of--
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our music, our movies, the
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television is always telling
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us, "You need to look"
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"like this."
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In television, it seems like
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some of the policemen, the
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nurses, all of them, they all
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look like these models, you
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know, and we watch this and we
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start to feel like, "Well, I"
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"don't look like that, I must"
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"not look-- I must not"
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"be enough."
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That's the problem with
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co-dependency.
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So, you know, we're programmed
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into it, our society has
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groomed us to be co-dependent.
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It's so sad.
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>> So let's take this concept
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of healthy self-love, what
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does it look like in action?
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>> There's actually a healthy
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pride, we can have a healthy
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pride in our work,
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in our children.
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There's an unhealthy pride, a
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false kind of pride that goes,
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"I'm better than people, I'm"
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"better than others," I put
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myself above others.
00:10:07.17\00:10:09.34
There's a healthy humility,
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too.
00:10:10.44\00:10:11.21
A healthy humility is when you
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can recognize not just your
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weaknesses, but your strengths.
00:10:17.18\00:10:19.38
There's a false humility which
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only recognizes your
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weaknesses and you're always
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putting yourself down, putting
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yourself down.
00:10:24.62\00:10:26.15
So a healthy self-love is
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simply loving yourself, it's
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an action.
00:10:29.89\00:10:31.66
Now, interestingly enough,
00:10:31.66\00:10:33.50
Greek has, like, six words for
00:10:33.50\00:10:34.96
love and we're stuck with one
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so, you know, I love my wife,
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I love my job, I love my dog,
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you know, I love ice cream.
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No, you don't, you don't love
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ice cream, you really like
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ice cream, you don't love
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ice cream, in fact, maybe if
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you love yourself, you might
00:10:48.44\00:10:49.54
not need that ice cream.
00:10:49.54\00:10:51.15
So you see, love is a-- it
00:10:51.15\00:10:52.95
starts by actually having a
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good, healthy definition of
00:10:54.95\00:10:56.42
love, right?
00:10:56.42\00:10:58.22
And so as we said earlier,
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love is caring, love is
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nurturing, love is supporting,
00:11:02.22\00:11:04.46
love is being kind, love is
00:11:04.46\00:11:06.73
all of these wonderful things
00:11:06.73\00:11:08.66
and we can do that towards
00:11:08.66\00:11:10.57
ourself, we can treat
00:11:10.57\00:11:12.10
ourselves in that way.
00:11:12.10\00:11:14.07
So a person who loves him or
00:11:14.07\00:11:16.24
herself knows how to love him
00:11:16.24\00:11:20.24
or herself, that person will
00:11:20.24\00:11:22.71
get a good diet, a healthy
00:11:22.71\00:11:24.48
diet, nutrition, they'll get
00:11:24.48\00:11:26.21
themselves some good sleep,
00:11:26.21\00:11:28.02
they'll exercise, they'll get
00:11:28.02\00:11:29.72
out in the fresh air, they'll
00:11:29.72\00:11:31.09
have a walk with God, and they
00:11:31.09\00:11:32.52
can have boundaries, they can
00:11:32.52\00:11:33.96
say "no" to things, they can
00:11:33.96\00:11:35.09
protect themselves.
00:11:35.09\00:11:36.26
>> What do you mean by
00:11:36.59\00:11:37.76
boundaries?
00:11:37.76\00:11:38.73
>> Let's think of the word,
00:11:39.49\00:11:40.76
"boundaries," the way we often
00:11:40.76\00:11:42.60
think of boundaries.
00:11:42.60\00:11:44.23
There is a boundary between my
00:11:44.23\00:11:45.77
yard and my neighbour's yard.
00:11:45.77\00:11:47.47
It may not be marked with a
00:11:47.47\00:11:49.04
fence or a hedge, but there is
00:11:49.04\00:11:50.14
a boundary and I need to
00:11:50.14\00:11:51.74
respect and honour that
00:11:51.74\00:11:53.01
boundary.
00:11:53.01\00:11:54.34
In other words, I might be out
00:11:54.34\00:11:55.74
mowing my lawn and I look at
00:11:55.74\00:11:57.08
my neighbour's lawn and it
00:11:57.08\00:11:58.48
doesn't look good enough to me
00:11:58.48\00:11:59.51
so I start mowing his.
00:11:59.51\00:12:00.72
That's not really respecting
00:12:00.72\00:12:01.78
my neighbour's boundary.
00:12:01.78\00:12:03.59
I need to respect my own
00:12:03.59\00:12:05.19
boundaries by mowing my own
00:12:05.19\00:12:06.49
lawn and keeping it looking
00:12:06.49\00:12:07.52
good for my neighbour.
00:12:07.52\00:12:09.22
So in life, we all have values
00:12:09.22\00:12:12.09
and we need to honour the
00:12:13.03\00:12:14.73
values that we believe in,
00:12:14.73\00:12:16.13
whether it's honesty,
00:12:16.13\00:12:17.37
truthfulness, trusting,
00:12:17.37\00:12:18.93
whatever it is, we need to
00:12:18.93\00:12:20.67
honour those boundaries.
00:12:20.67\00:12:22.30
And so sometimes we need to
00:12:22.30\00:12:24.01
say "no," we need to say "no"
00:12:24.01\00:12:26.01
to offers to do things or to,
00:12:26.01\00:12:28.61
you know, things that we don't
00:12:28.61\00:12:30.05
believe in that are not good
00:12:30.05\00:12:31.31
for us.
00:12:31.31\00:12:32.08
So boundaries is the ability,
00:12:32.75\00:12:34.48
really, to say "no," and to
00:12:34.48\00:12:37.19
honour my own values, OK?
00:12:37.19\00:12:40.36
You know when you go on an
00:12:40.36\00:12:41.59
airplane they always give you
00:12:41.59\00:12:42.69
that same spiel?
00:12:42.69\00:12:43.99
Like "When the oxygen masks"
00:12:43.99\00:12:45.69
"fall from the ceiling, be"
00:12:45.69\00:12:47.13
"sure to put your own oxygen"
00:12:47.13\00:12:48.73
"mask on first before helping"
00:12:48.73\00:12:50.20
"someone else?"
00:12:50.20\00:12:51.73
Isn't that selfish?
00:12:51.73\00:12:52.97
>> No, that's not selfish
00:12:52.97\00:12:54.24
because if you don't put your
00:12:54.24\00:12:55.40
oxygen mask on, you won't be
00:12:55.40\00:12:56.74
able to maybe help the other
00:12:56.74\00:12:58.87
person put their oxygen
00:12:58.87\00:13:00.14
mask on.
00:13:00.14\00:13:01.41
>> Precisely.
00:13:01.41\00:13:02.91
And, you know, that's what we
00:13:02.91\00:13:04.01
often fail to remember.
00:13:04.01\00:13:06.58
In a previous episode I talk
00:13:06.58\00:13:08.52
about-- I talked about my work
00:13:08.52\00:13:09.92
addiction and how I was
00:13:09.92\00:13:11.72
consumed, always consumed with
00:13:11.72\00:13:13.86
helping everybody else.
00:13:13.86\00:13:15.72
Now, I came to the place where
00:13:17.13\00:13:20.13
I burned myself up, burned
00:13:20.13\00:13:22.43
myself out to the place I
00:13:22.43\00:13:24.40
couldn't help my own family,
00:13:24.40\00:13:26.03
let alone myself.
00:13:26.03\00:13:27.97
That is not having good
00:13:27.97\00:13:29.47
boundaries.
00:13:29.47\00:13:30.81
Let's look at 1 Timothy 5,
00:13:31.71\00:13:33.84
verse 8, it says...
00:13:33.84\00:13:35.84
Could you imagine Noah
00:13:49.26\00:13:51.96
building the ark and all these
00:13:51.96\00:13:54.20
other people coming into the
00:13:54.20\00:13:55.76
ark, but his own family
00:13:55.76\00:13:57.33
not coming in?
00:13:57.33\00:13:59.10
How sad would that be?
00:13:59.10\00:14:01.27
So, we need to consider sometime
00:14:01.27\00:14:04.34
saying "no" because we only
00:14:04.34\00:14:06.57
have limited time and energy
00:14:06.57\00:14:08.71
and we need to spread that
00:14:08.71\00:14:10.48
energy and time out to be good
00:14:10.48\00:14:12.28
stewards, shall we say, of
00:14:12.28\00:14:14.02
ourselves so that we do have
00:14:14.02\00:14:15.88
the time and energy for the
00:14:15.88\00:14:17.39
people we love the most.
00:14:17.39\00:14:18.85
If we're not caring for
00:14:18.85\00:14:20.49
ourselves, how can we care
00:14:20.49\00:14:22.12
for those people?
00:14:22.12\00:14:23.26
>> So having a healthy
00:14:24.86\00:14:26.36
self-love is like walking a
00:14:26.36\00:14:27.86
tight rope; on one side is
00:14:27.86\00:14:30.27
loving my neighbour and the
00:14:30.27\00:14:31.47
other side is loving myself
00:14:31.47\00:14:32.67
and it's hard to get it
00:14:32.67\00:14:33.84
perfect, you know.
00:14:33.84\00:14:35.34
When do I say "no?"
00:14:35.34\00:14:37.37
When do I say "yes?"
00:14:37.37\00:14:39.31
When I was a leader, I could
00:14:39.31\00:14:41.01
not ever say "no," I was
00:14:41.01\00:14:42.78
always saying "yes" and that's
00:14:42.78\00:14:44.58
where I ran down this road
00:14:44.58\00:14:46.15
into burnout.
00:14:46.15\00:14:48.15
In my own counselling as I was
00:14:48.15\00:14:50.09
recovering from this work
00:14:50.09\00:14:51.62
addiction, this co-dependency,
00:14:51.62\00:14:53.72
so to speak, I began to
00:14:53.72\00:14:55.26
realize my stinking thinking,
00:14:55.26\00:14:57.16
I began to realize that I was
00:14:57.16\00:14:59.19
actually having this false
00:14:59.19\00:15:00.63
kind of love because my
00:15:00.63\00:15:02.50
motives were more for, "Am I"
00:15:02.50\00:15:04.13
"doing the right thing?"
00:15:04.13\00:15:05.43
"Am I doing enough?"
00:15:05.43\00:15:06.87
"Do people like what I'm"
00:15:06.87\00:15:08.07
"doing, are they happy with"
00:15:08.07\00:15:09.07
"what I'm doing?"
00:15:09.07\00:15:10.41
And it's never enough, it's
00:15:10.41\00:15:12.51
absolutely never enough.
00:15:12.51\00:15:14.54
And now, to this day, even as
00:15:14.54\00:15:16.41
a counsellor, it's difficult.
00:15:16.41\00:15:18.75
I still fight this.
00:15:18.75\00:15:20.32
Someone asks me if I can take
00:15:20.32\00:15:21.88
them as a client and I have a
00:15:21.88\00:15:23.35
difficult time saying "no,"
00:15:23.35\00:15:24.65
but I have to draw that
00:15:24.65\00:15:25.79
boundary, I have to say,
00:15:25.79\00:15:27.02
"No, I don't have room"
00:15:27.02\00:15:28.42
"anymore for clients."
00:15:28.42\00:15:29.72
I-- you know, and that's--
00:15:29.72\00:15:31.33
"Can I recommend you to"
00:15:31.33\00:15:32.93
"somebody else?"
00:15:32.93\00:15:34.50
"Can I put you on my"
00:15:34.50\00:15:35.63
"wait list?"
00:15:35.63\00:15:37.13
It's difficult to say "no" at
00:15:37.13\00:15:38.57
some times, but it's important
00:15:38.57\00:15:40.30
because if we can't take care
00:15:40.30\00:15:41.90
of ourselves in healthy ways,
00:15:41.90\00:15:43.87
how can we really take care of
00:15:43.87\00:15:46.54
others in the long run?
00:15:46.54\00:15:48.04
'Cause that's the key.
00:15:48.04\00:15:49.44
I don't wanna burn out early
00:15:49.44\00:15:51.35
and cut my ministry short, I
00:15:51.35\00:15:53.15
wanna be able to be a greater
00:15:53.15\00:15:55.08
help, more help to more people.
00:15:55.08\00:15:57.72
Even Jesus took time out,
00:15:57.72\00:15:59.82
stopped His healing and went
00:15:59.82\00:16:01.29
to pray into the mountains.
00:16:01.29\00:16:02.92
He needed to recharge.
00:16:02.92\00:16:04.19
I find that, as a counsellor,
00:16:05.36\00:16:07.13
I need vacations.
00:16:07.13\00:16:09.03
If I don't take some time to
00:16:09.03\00:16:11.13
put everything aside, to put
00:16:11.13\00:16:12.57
my work aside and take a nice
00:16:12.57\00:16:14.67
vacation, I am not gonna last
00:16:14.67\00:16:17.21
long enough or as long as I
00:16:17.21\00:16:18.77
would like to last in my
00:16:18.77\00:16:20.48
ministry as a counsellor.
00:16:20.48\00:16:22.58
So no, self-love is not an
00:16:22.58\00:16:25.28
oxymoron, in fact, self-love
00:16:25.28\00:16:28.65
is a pure kind of love,
00:16:28.65\00:16:31.42
it's a love that is helping,
00:16:31.42\00:16:33.99
being kind, nurturing,
00:16:33.99\00:16:35.79
supporting, I'm just doing the
00:16:35.79\00:16:37.59
things to myself that I would
00:16:37.59\00:16:39.33
do to my neighbour and that is
00:16:39.33\00:16:41.76
actually making me a better
00:16:41.76\00:16:43.83
neighbour myself.
00:16:43.83\00:16:45.90
>> Doesn't co-dependency have
00:16:45.90\00:16:48.47
to do with a relationship?
00:16:48.47\00:16:50.77
>> Generally speaking, we talk
00:16:50.77\00:16:52.77
about co-dependent relationships
00:16:52.77\00:16:55.84
and the reason that fits this
00:16:55.84\00:16:57.65
idea of external relationships
00:16:57.65\00:16:59.48
or external dependency is
00:16:59.48\00:17:01.65
because we're looking this
00:17:01.65\00:17:03.25
time, not to money or a car or
00:17:03.25\00:17:05.09
a job or a career or a body
00:17:05.09\00:17:06.39
shape, we're looking
00:17:06.39\00:17:08.06
externally to a partner to
00:17:08.06\00:17:10.06
feel good about ourselves.
00:17:10.06\00:17:12.29
It's kinda like I need this
00:17:12.29\00:17:13.76
person in my life or
00:17:13.76\00:17:15.06
I'm a nobody.
00:17:15.06\00:17:16.23
It's interesting how in life,
00:17:17.43\00:17:19.83
in the co-dependent life, that
00:17:19.83\00:17:21.74
is, opposites attract.
00:17:21.74\00:17:23.57
Like, "Oh, she completes me!"
00:17:24.71\00:17:27.68
And 20 years later, we're
00:17:27.68\00:17:29.24
repelled by that same
00:17:29.24\00:17:30.75
behaviour because what we're
00:17:30.75\00:17:32.35
doing is we think we're making
00:17:32.35\00:17:34.08
up for our own deficiencies.
00:17:34.08\00:17:36.02
Maybe I'm an introvert and I
00:17:36.02\00:17:37.22
want somebody who talks and so
00:17:37.22\00:17:38.92
I marry this extrovert and
00:17:38.92\00:17:40.29
after a while I can't stand
00:17:40.29\00:17:41.69
all this talking.
00:17:41.69\00:17:42.72
And then my partner says,
00:17:43.56\00:17:45.09
"You never talk to me anymore!"
00:17:45.09\00:17:46.49
And I say, "You talk too much!"
00:17:46.49\00:17:48.10
It's like we're sucking the
00:17:48.10\00:17:49.46
life out of each other.
00:17:49.46\00:17:51.07
So we find ourselves in either
00:17:51.90\00:17:53.74
healthy, interdependent
00:17:53.74\00:17:56.00
relationships, or the other
00:17:56.00\00:17:57.97
extreme: unhealthy,
00:17:57.97\00:17:59.81
co-dependent relationships.
00:17:59.81\00:18:01.54
But the truth is, most of us
00:18:01.54\00:18:02.44
are in between.
00:18:02.44\00:18:03.81
No one has a perfect
00:18:03.81\00:18:05.51
interpersonal relationship,
00:18:05.51\00:18:07.02
that would be impossible.
00:18:07.02\00:18:09.18
In my field of counselling, I
00:18:09.18\00:18:11.15
like to talk about "love cups"
00:18:11.15\00:18:13.09
or "love buckets" and so we
00:18:13.09\00:18:15.46
either have full love cups or
00:18:15.46\00:18:17.39
half-full or partially-full
00:18:17.39\00:18:18.76
love cups or even empty
00:18:18.76\00:18:19.89
love cups.
00:18:19.89\00:18:20.76
>> So what are we talking
00:18:20.76\00:18:21.80
about when we talk about a
00:18:21.80\00:18:22.80
love cup?
00:18:22.80\00:18:23.63
>> So a love cup is a
00:18:23.63\00:18:25.60
metaphor, it represents how
00:18:25.60\00:18:28.00
we see ourselves.
00:18:28.00\00:18:30.44
So a full love cup is when we
00:18:30.44\00:18:33.11
see ourselves as worthy and
00:18:33.11\00:18:35.18
valuable, as important.
00:18:35.18\00:18:37.68
We see ourselves in such a way
00:18:37.68\00:18:39.68
that we take care of ourself,
00:18:39.68\00:18:42.08
we protect ourselves, we have
00:18:42.08\00:18:43.69
healthy boundaries, we nurture
00:18:43.69\00:18:45.39
ourselves, we eat well, we
00:18:45.39\00:18:47.69
sleep well, we exercise well,
00:18:47.69\00:18:49.99
we value ourselves in that
00:18:49.99\00:18:51.69
sense, whereas a person with a
00:18:51.69\00:18:54.36
partially-full love cup has
00:18:54.36\00:18:56.80
very low self-worth or at
00:18:56.80\00:18:58.60
least they don't believe
00:18:58.60\00:19:00.14
they're worthy and valuable
00:19:00.14\00:19:01.17
even though they are.
00:19:01.17\00:19:02.30
And they actually don't take
00:19:02.30\00:19:03.77
care of themselves, they don't
00:19:03.77\00:19:05.41
eat right, they don't exercise
00:19:05.41\00:19:06.91
and sleep properly, they might
00:19:06.91\00:19:08.81
even hate themselves.
00:19:08.81\00:19:11.48
So in these co-dependent
00:19:11.48\00:19:12.91
relationships where we have
00:19:12.91\00:19:14.38
partially full love-cups, each
00:19:14.38\00:19:16.38
partner is trying to get their
00:19:16.38\00:19:18.12
partner to fill their love cup;
00:19:18.12\00:19:19.92
"You need to say more nice"
00:19:19.92\00:19:21.26
"things to me, you need to do"
00:19:21.26\00:19:22.46
"this for me..."
00:19:22.46\00:19:23.79
We're always trying to get
00:19:23.79\00:19:25.03
that person to fill our love
00:19:25.03\00:19:26.59
cup so we can feel good about
00:19:26.59\00:19:27.73
ourselves, whereas in an
00:19:27.73\00:19:29.56
interdependent relationship,
00:19:29.56\00:19:31.37
these people know how to fill
00:19:31.37\00:19:33.17
their own love cups because
00:19:33.17\00:19:34.60
they tell themselves the truth
00:19:34.60\00:19:36.40
they take care of themselves
00:19:36.40\00:19:37.94
and this way they can always
00:19:37.94\00:19:39.57
give love unconditionally to
00:19:39.57\00:19:41.24
their partner.
00:19:41.24\00:19:43.24
So that's the way it's
00:19:43.24\00:19:44.78
designed to work.
00:19:44.78\00:19:46.38
Of course, like I said,
00:19:46.38\00:19:47.62
nobody's perfect in this
00:19:47.62\00:19:49.32
scenario.
00:19:49.32\00:19:50.25
>> Isn't it OK then to have
00:19:51.02\00:19:54.62
our partner say and do nice
00:19:54.62\00:19:56.79
things for us?
00:19:56.79\00:19:58.23
Is that being selfish?
00:19:58.23\00:19:59.89
>> You know, it's not about
00:20:00.83\00:20:02.16
that because it's a wonderful
00:20:02.16\00:20:03.57
thing to have these people in
00:20:03.57\00:20:04.83
our lives, it's a
00:20:04.83\00:20:05.90
beautiful thing.
00:20:05.90\00:20:07.50
It has to do with our motive.
00:20:07.50\00:20:11.04
Like, is that the only way I
00:20:11.04\00:20:13.21
feel good about myself?
00:20:13.21\00:20:14.91
Is that the only way I feel
00:20:14.91\00:20:16.38
worthy and valuable is when I
00:20:16.38\00:20:17.85
get these compliments?
00:20:17.85\00:20:19.61
That's co-dependency.
00:20:19.61\00:20:21.32
Because when you have your
00:20:21.32\00:20:22.62
love cup full, these are
00:20:22.62\00:20:24.22
wonderful things to receive,
00:20:24.22\00:20:26.55
but you already have a full
00:20:26.55\00:20:28.09
love cup so it's not like
00:20:28.09\00:20:29.76
you're needing this to feel
00:20:29.76\00:20:31.09
good and valuable.
00:20:31.09\00:20:32.63
Because, you know, some things
00:20:32.63\00:20:34.13
happen, sometimes people say
00:20:34.13\00:20:35.80
mean things and that can just
00:20:35.80\00:20:37.50
throw us off the rails.
00:20:37.50\00:20:39.63
>> Don, don't you think it is
00:20:39.63\00:20:41.17
important that we help our
00:20:41.17\00:20:42.70
children learn this as early
00:20:42.70\00:20:43.91
as possible?
00:20:43.91\00:20:45.41
>> Absolutely.
00:20:45.41\00:20:47.44
And I think the key comes in
00:20:47.44\00:20:49.21
the parental role of teaching
00:20:49.21\00:20:51.78
their children the difference
00:20:51.78\00:20:53.52
between what they do
00:20:53.52\00:20:55.72
and who they are.
00:20:55.72\00:20:57.92
So when a child does something
00:20:57.92\00:20:59.89
hurtful or harmful or wrong,
00:20:59.89\00:21:02.86
to point that out to the
00:21:02.86\00:21:04.33
child, but at the same time
00:21:04.33\00:21:05.93
support them with the idea
00:21:05.93\00:21:07.66
that they're still loved,
00:21:07.66\00:21:09.76
they're worthy and valuable.
00:21:09.76\00:21:11.80
And that has to be said in
00:21:11.80\00:21:13.50
words, but sometimes we teach
00:21:13.50\00:21:15.87
our children that they're not
00:21:15.87\00:21:17.24
valuable by scolding them, by
00:21:17.24\00:21:19.27
raising our voice and yelling
00:21:19.27\00:21:20.81
at them and demeaning them
00:21:20.81\00:21:22.68
with words, "You're stupid,"
00:21:22.68\00:21:24.25
you see, and this is where the
00:21:24.25\00:21:25.51
child starts to think about
00:21:25.51\00:21:27.55
themselves that they're not
00:21:27.55\00:21:28.88
worthy and they're not
00:21:28.88\00:21:30.19
valuable.
00:21:30.19\00:21:31.05
If we would raise up a
00:21:32.22\00:21:33.69
generation of children like
00:21:33.69\00:21:34.99
this, most of our world
00:21:34.99\00:21:36.59
problems would go away.
00:21:36.59\00:21:38.19
>> So, Don, how can you sum up
00:21:39.43\00:21:41.56
this discussion of self-love?
00:21:41.56\00:21:44.57
>> Well, I think that's easy
00:21:45.87\00:21:47.60
because we know from scripture
00:21:47.60\00:21:49.44
that Jesus is the Way, the
00:21:49.44\00:21:51.57
Truth, and the Life.
00:21:51.57\00:21:54.14
So we must continually look to
00:21:54.14\00:21:56.01
Jesus for the truth
00:21:56.01\00:21:57.61
about ourselves.
00:21:57.61\00:21:59.08
I wanna share one more
00:21:59.08\00:22:00.55
scripture about what Jesus
00:22:00.55\00:22:01.78
says about us.
00:22:01.78\00:22:03.05
This is what He says in
00:22:03.05\00:22:04.45
Matthew 10:29, He says...
00:22:04.45\00:22:06.59
Wow, isn't that amazing?
00:22:15.63\00:22:18.13
That shows how God values us.
00:22:18.13\00:22:20.84
It even goes on to say that
00:22:20.84\00:22:22.67
God even knows the very hairs,
00:22:22.67\00:22:24.71
the number of hairs on our
00:22:24.71\00:22:26.24
head and I'll tell you, that's
00:22:26.24\00:22:27.61
changing like every hour, for
00:22:27.61\00:22:28.68
me at least.
00:22:28.68\00:22:30.25
And then Jesus says,
00:22:30.25\00:22:31.95
"So don't be afraid, you are"
00:22:31.95\00:22:34.42
"more valuable to Him than a"
00:22:34.42\00:22:36.62
"whole flock of sparrows."
00:22:36.62\00:22:38.29
Just thinking about that
00:22:39.32\00:22:40.86
is just amazing.
00:22:40.86\00:22:42.36
This is the truth that we need
00:22:42.36\00:22:43.89
to tell ourselves every day;
00:22:43.89\00:22:46.13
I am a child of the King.
00:22:46.13\00:22:48.16
¤¤
00:22:48.16\00:23:13.92
¤My Father is rich
00:23:13.92\00:23:20.06
¤in houses and lands
00:23:20.06\00:23:26.33
¤He holdeth the wealth
00:23:26.33\00:23:31.41
¤of the world in His hands
00:23:31.41\00:23:38.08
¤I once was an outcast
00:23:38.08\00:23:44.05
¤a stranger on earth
00:23:44.05\00:23:49.52
¤A sinner by choice
00:23:49.52\00:23:54.30
¤and an alien by birth
00:23:54.30\00:24:01.14
¤But I've been adopted
00:24:01.14\00:24:06.64
¤my name's written down
00:24:06.64\00:24:12.41
¤All glory to God
00:24:12.41\00:24:18.12
¤I'm a child of the King
00:24:18.12\00:24:24.03
¤I'm a child of the King
00:24:26.83\00:24:32.57
¤A child of the King
00:24:32.57\00:24:38.87
¤With Jesus my Savior
00:24:38.87\00:24:44.71
¤I'm a child of the King
00:24:44.71\00:24:52.15
¤¤
00:24:52.15\00:25:04.70
¤I'm a child of the King
00:25:04.70\00:25:15.21
>> Lord God, Father in heaven,
00:25:27.29\00:25:30.09
thank You for calling us Your
00:25:30.09\00:25:31.86
children and, Lord, we know as
00:25:31.86\00:25:35.33
parents that is an amazing
00:25:35.33\00:25:38.50
thing to love a child.
00:25:38.50\00:25:41.07
Thank you for knowing that You
00:25:41.07\00:25:43.10
love us in this way and may we
00:25:43.10\00:25:45.77
remind ourselves of these
00:25:45.77\00:25:47.44
truths every day and to focus
00:25:47.44\00:25:49.11
on Jesus, the Way, the Truth,
00:25:49.11\00:25:51.08
and the Life.
00:25:51.08\00:25:51.95
We pray in Jesus' name, amen.
00:25:52.85\00:25:54.15
>> Amen.
00:25:54.15\00:25:55.28
>> Don, thank you so much for
00:25:56.12\00:25:58.09
sharing with us your personal
00:25:58.09\00:26:00.89
and your professional insights
00:26:00.89\00:26:03.26
on It Is Written Canada.
00:26:03.26\00:26:05.39
We have been so honoured to
00:26:05.39\00:26:07.13
have you with us.
00:26:07.13\00:26:08.63
>> Thank you, it's really been
00:26:08.63\00:26:09.70
my privilege.
00:26:09.70\00:26:11.00
Thank you for having me.
00:26:11.00\00:26:12.43
>> Friends, as Don Straub
00:26:14.47\00:26:16.57
shared with us, God is not
00:26:16.57\00:26:18.91
only God of love, but a God of
00:26:18.91\00:26:21.84
freedom and we want to give
00:26:21.84\00:26:23.91
you a chance to learn more
00:26:23.91\00:26:25.65
about this freedom by sending
00:26:25.65\00:26:27.92
you our free offer today which
00:26:27.92\00:26:30.25
is entitled, Bridges To
00:26:30.25\00:26:32.72
Freedom: Creating Change
00:26:32.72\00:26:34.79
Through Science and Christian
00:26:34.79\00:26:36.39
Spirituality.
00:26:36.39\00:26:38.46
>> Move closer to the Lord,
00:26:38.46\00:26:40.70
get past your setbacks, and
00:26:40.70\00:26:42.76
learn life lessons with these
00:26:42.76\00:26:45.10
essential bridges to freedom
00:26:45.10\00:26:47.24
described in Don's book.
00:26:47.24\00:26:49.17
>> To request today's offer,
00:26:50.14\00:26:51.61
just log onto
00:26:51.61\00:26:53.01
www.ItIsWrittenCanada.ca.
00:26:53.01\00:26:56.61
If you prefer, you may call
00:26:56.61\00:26:58.31
toll free at 1-888-CALL-IIW.
00:26:58.31\00:27:02.28
And thank you for your prayer
00:27:02.28\00:27:03.92
requests and your generous
00:27:03.92\00:27:05.45
financial support.
00:27:05.45\00:27:07.12
>> Before you go, we would
00:27:08.59\00:27:10.19
also like to invite you to
00:27:10.19\00:27:11.83
follow us on Instagram and
00:27:11.83\00:27:13.66
Facebook and subscribe to our
00:27:13.66\00:27:16.23
YouTube channel and also
00:27:16.23\00:27:18.90
listen to our Podcasts and if
00:27:18.90\00:27:21.40
you go to our website, you can
00:27:21.40\00:27:23.47
see our latest programs,
00:27:23.47\00:27:25.27
including our cooking
00:27:25.27\00:27:26.84
demonstrations, our short
00:27:26.84\00:27:29.11
spiritual messages entitled,
00:27:29.11\00:27:31.28
Daily Living, and our
00:27:31.28\00:27:32.98
exercise workouts called
00:27:32.98\00:27:34.72
Experiencing Life.
00:27:34.72\00:27:36.38
>> We want you to experience
00:27:36.82\00:27:38.39
the truth that is found in the
00:27:38.39\00:27:39.92
words of Jesus when He said,
00:27:39.92\00:27:41.86
"It is written, man shall not"
00:27:41.86\00:27:44.16
"live by bread alone, but by"
00:27:44.16\00:27:46.43
"every word that proceeds out"
00:27:46.43\00:27:48.73
"of the mouth of God."
00:27:48.73\00:27:50.53
¤¤
00:27:50.53\00:28:50.63