[MIKE] Welcome to It Is 00:00:42.54\00:00:43.57 Written Canada. 00:00:43.57\00:00:44.81 Thank you for joining us in 00:00:44.81\00:00:45.74 beautiful Kelowna, British 00:00:45.74\00:00:47.11 Columbia. 00:00:47.11\00:00:48.38 Our special guest again is Don 00:00:48.38\00:00:50.21 Straub, a practising clinical 00:00:50.21\00:00:52.61 counsellor who helps people 00:00:52.61\00:00:53.92 struggling with everyday 00:00:53.92\00:00:55.18 problems by giving them 00:00:55.18\00:00:56.95 powerful, practical solutions. 00:00:56.95\00:00:59.52 >> Don is going to look at 00:00:59.52\00:01:00.96 healthy and unhealthy ways of 00:01:00.96\00:01:03.63 expressing anger and is also 00:01:03.63\00:01:05.96 going to examine the question: 00:01:05.96\00:01:08.46 Are we in the hands 00:01:08.46\00:01:10.10 of an angry God? 00:01:10.10\00:01:12.87 Don, welcome back to It Is 00:01:12.87\00:01:14.40 Written Canada. 00:01:14.40\00:01:15.77 >> Thank you. 00:01:15.77\00:01:16.81 I'm pleased to be able to 00:01:16.81\00:01:17.77 share with you today. 00:01:17.77\00:01:18.97 >> Don, we're gonna be talking 00:01:18.97\00:01:20.44 about anger, do a lot of your 00:01:20.44\00:01:22.28 clients come to you with 00:01:22.28\00:01:23.95 anger issues? 00:01:23.95\00:01:25.08 >> Actually, I get a lot of 00:01:25.68\00:01:26.95 clients that come because they 00:01:26.95\00:01:28.12 don't know how to manage their 00:01:28.12\00:01:29.42 anger, it seems to be out 00:01:29.42\00:01:30.92 of control. 00:01:30.92\00:01:31.89 But I get a lot of other 00:01:32.29\00:01:33.89 clients that come for other 00:01:33.89\00:01:35.06 reasons like depression, 00:01:35.06\00:01:36.49 anxiety, and even couples who 00:01:36.49\00:01:38.19 come for counselling. 00:01:38.19\00:01:39.93 But after we get into the 00:01:39.93\00:01:41.56 counselling process, many of 00:01:41.56\00:01:43.23 them discover that anger is 00:01:43.23\00:01:44.93 probably the root or cause of 00:01:44.93\00:01:46.90 these other symptoms, we could 00:01:46.90\00:01:48.60 call it. 00:01:48.60\00:01:49.50 [RENÉ] So you're saying that 00:01:50.47\00:01:53.14 anger is the source, don't 00:01:53.14\00:01:55.34 people know that they're angry? 00:01:55.34\00:01:57.61 >> Well, there's some that do, 00:01:58.18\00:01:59.71 but-- and they're too ashamed 00:01:59.71\00:02:01.22 to admit it, they don't like 00:02:01.22\00:02:03.39 to talk about their anger, but 00:02:03.39\00:02:05.79 there's others that I believe 00:02:05.79\00:02:06.99 they don't even know 00:02:06.99\00:02:08.06 they're angry. 00:02:08.06\00:02:09.19 Have you ever heard someone 00:02:09.19\00:02:10.26 go, "I'm not angry!" 00:02:10.26\00:02:11.69 You see, some of us pretend 00:02:12.63\00:02:14.10 we're not angry, we suppress 00:02:14.10\00:02:15.33 it, we're not mindful of this 00:02:15.33\00:02:16.80 anger and then there are 00:02:16.80\00:02:18.90 others that don't have the 00:02:18.90\00:02:21.37 typical fireworks kind of 00:02:21.37\00:02:22.97 anger, you know, like, just... 00:02:22.97\00:02:25.27 "bang," you know, yelling, 00:02:25.27\00:02:26.64 screaming anger. 00:02:26.64\00:02:27.91 There are people who hold 00:02:27.91\00:02:29.44 their anger in, they stuff it, 00:02:29.44\00:02:30.78 they keep it hidden. 00:02:30.78\00:02:32.45 Some of those people can hold 00:02:32.45\00:02:34.05 that anger in for years. 00:02:34.05\00:02:35.58 And then there's others that, 00:02:35.58\00:02:37.59 you know, like, you shake a 00:02:37.59\00:02:38.65 can of pop and explodes? 00:02:38.65\00:02:40.79 So they'll stuff it and then 00:02:40.79\00:02:41.99 they'll explode with their 00:02:41.99\00:02:43.36 anger and stuff it some more 00:02:43.36\00:02:44.73 and then explode and usually 00:02:44.73\00:02:46.13 they explode it on innocent 00:02:46.13\00:02:47.66 people that haven't really 00:02:47.66\00:02:48.83 done much, you know, 00:02:48.83\00:02:50.17 to hurt them. 00:02:50.17\00:02:51.60 You know, I've had an 00:02:51.60\00:02:53.37 experience where it really 00:02:53.37\00:02:55.57 opened my eyes to the power of 00:02:55.57\00:02:57.74 the anger that I have, the 00:02:57.74\00:02:59.17 potential that I have 00:02:59.17\00:03:00.48 within me. 00:03:00.48\00:03:01.84 >> Don, are you willing to 00:03:01.84\00:03:02.91 share that? 00:03:02.91\00:03:03.85 >> Sure I would. 00:03:04.25\00:03:05.41 I had asked one of my son's 00:03:06.05\00:03:07.85 teachers to let me know if my 00:03:07.85\00:03:09.45 son was struggling in math and 00:03:09.45\00:03:12.25 one day he came home with his 00:03:12.25\00:03:14.09 report card and there was an 00:03:14.09\00:03:15.49 "F" on his report card. 00:03:15.49\00:03:17.56 And I became angry, but I 00:03:17.56\00:03:19.59 didn't want my son to see me 00:03:19.59\00:03:21.10 angry so I stuffed my anger 00:03:21.10\00:03:22.70 and went on with the rest of 00:03:22.70\00:03:23.97 the evening. 00:03:23.97\00:03:25.33 Then I realized I was a little 00:03:25.33\00:03:26.67 late for a church meeting that 00:03:26.67\00:03:28.24 I was the platform chairman 00:03:28.24\00:03:29.87 for so I dashed out to the 00:03:29.87\00:03:31.71 garage, got in my car, looked 00:03:31.71\00:03:34.04 at my rear view mirror and I 00:03:34.04\00:03:35.58 just shoved it in reverse and 00:03:35.58\00:03:37.11 backed out as fast as I could 00:03:37.11\00:03:39.08 and I-- "Bang!" 00:03:39.08\00:03:40.62 I looked to my left and I had 00:03:40.62\00:03:41.85 bent my car door backwards as 00:03:41.85\00:03:43.75 it struck the garage door. 00:03:43.75\00:03:44.85 >> You left it open. 00:03:44.85\00:03:45.99 [DON] I had left it open. 00:03:45.99\00:03:47.89 And that's when I become aware 00:03:47.89\00:03:50.63 of the fact that anger is like 00:03:50.63\00:03:52.36 being drunk. 00:03:52.36\00:03:53.83 And then later when I did my 00:03:53.83\00:03:55.16 studying in counselling, I 00:03:55.16\00:03:57.13 began to realize that when 00:03:57.13\00:03:59.10 we're angry, our heart rate's 00:03:59.10\00:04:01.17 up, we're flooded, we don't 00:04:01.17\00:04:02.77 see everything, we don't hear 00:04:02.77\00:04:04.37 everything, and we're 00:04:04.37\00:04:05.64 certainly not thinking 00:04:05.64\00:04:06.78 logically or rationally in 00:04:06.78\00:04:08.11 those moments. 00:04:08.11\00:04:09.31 >> So, Don, you have titled 00:04:10.18\00:04:12.41 what you're sharing with us 00:04:12.41\00:04:14.12 right now, "In the Hands of" 00:04:14.12\00:04:15.85 "an Angry God." 00:04:15.85\00:04:17.95 Is God really an angry God? 00:04:17.95\00:04:21.22 >> I don't believe He is in 00:04:21.22\00:04:22.36 the sense that He's constantly 00:04:22.36\00:04:24.09 enraged or something like that. 00:04:24.09\00:04:26.13 The thing about scripture is 00:04:27.13\00:04:28.90 there are 44 verses that tell 00:04:28.90\00:04:30.93 us that God has this emotion 00:04:30.93\00:04:32.33 of anger and I'm gonna talk 00:04:32.33\00:04:33.97 about why that is in a bit. 00:04:33.97\00:04:36.00 But the reason I titled this 00:04:36.91\00:04:40.18 talk with "In the Hands of" 00:04:40.18\00:04:42.04 "an Angry God," is because it 00:04:42.04\00:04:43.61 comes from the title of a 00:04:43.61\00:04:45.25 sermon by Pastor Jonathan 00:04:45.25\00:04:46.78 Edwards back in 1741. 00:04:46.78\00:04:49.08 Apparently this sermon started 00:04:50.19\00:04:52.89 a revival around the world. 00:04:52.89\00:04:55.42 But I have to agree with Brian 00:04:55.42\00:04:57.26 Zahnd who said that, 00:04:57.26\00:04:59.39 I wanna share with you one 00:05:09.54\00:05:10.57 paragraph from this 00:05:10.57\00:05:12.14 famous sermon. 00:05:12.14\00:05:13.54 He says, "The God that holds" 00:05:14.98\00:05:15.94 >> Wow, so how do you 00:05:57.09\00:05:58.62 reconcile that with what the 00:05:58.62\00:06:00.09 scriptures teach about God 00:06:00.09\00:06:02.06 being love? 00:06:02.06\00:06:03.53 [DON] I can't. 00:06:04.13\00:06:06.19 When I think of being a 00:06:06.19\00:06:08.83 father, like, how can any kind 00:06:08.83\00:06:11.93 of a God take pleasure 00:06:11.93\00:06:13.97 torturing his children 00:06:13.97\00:06:15.50 like this? 00:06:15.50\00:06:16.74 How can any father even think 00:06:17.41\00:06:21.98 of his children like this? 00:06:21.98\00:06:23.55 I mean, I'm the father of 00:06:23.55\00:06:24.95 four, the grandfather of 00:06:24.95\00:06:26.68 twelve, there's no way I 00:06:26.68\00:06:28.48 picture any of my children or 00:06:28.48\00:06:30.19 grandchildren like this. 00:06:30.19\00:06:31.95 It does not makes sense. 00:06:31.95\00:06:34.06 >> So, Don, what is anger? 00:06:35.36\00:06:39.09 Isn't it an emotion? 00:06:39.09\00:06:41.36 [DON] That's all anger is. 00:06:41.76\00:06:43.43 It's simply an emotion. 00:06:43.43\00:06:46.07 The thing about emotions is 00:06:46.07\00:06:47.87 that all the emotions, except 00:06:47.87\00:06:49.44 for shame which I'll talk 00:06:49.44\00:06:51.07 about later, have a purpose. 00:06:51.07\00:06:53.68 Every emotion can be thought 00:06:53.68\00:06:55.44 of as an action signal. 00:06:55.44\00:06:57.55 It's a signal to take some 00:06:57.55\00:06:59.05 kind of action. 00:06:59.05\00:07:01.32 Anger is an action signal to 00:07:01.32\00:07:03.45 protect yourself and the 00:07:03.45\00:07:05.82 people you love from injustice. 00:07:05.82\00:07:09.09 Whenever there's an injustice, 00:07:09.09\00:07:11.16 such as, let's say I see 00:07:11.16\00:07:12.89 racism happening, if I don't 00:07:12.89\00:07:15.66 have the emotion of anger when 00:07:15.66\00:07:18.00 I see that injustice, in 00:07:18.00\00:07:20.14 counselling we would call that 00:07:20.14\00:07:21.67 sociopathic or psychopathic 00:07:21.67\00:07:23.94 because I have no feelings 00:07:23.94\00:07:25.41 of injustice. 00:07:25.41\00:07:26.78 So it's appropriate to be 00:07:27.71\00:07:29.91 angry when there's injustice. 00:07:29.91\00:07:31.95 And then I have to think, no 00:07:31.95\00:07:33.62 wonder God get's angry, no 00:07:33.62\00:07:35.72 wonder there are 44 verses 00:07:35.72\00:07:37.39 that say God has the emotion 00:07:37.39\00:07:39.42 of anger. 00:07:39.42\00:07:40.76 I mean, who but God sees so 00:07:40.76\00:07:43.09 much injustice going on in 00:07:43.09\00:07:44.63 this world? 00:07:44.63\00:07:46.36 See, it's not about the anger, 00:07:46.36\00:07:49.06 it's how we express that anger 00:07:49.06\00:07:52.00 that really counts. 00:07:52.00\00:07:53.47 >> So, Don, are you saying 00:07:53.47\00:07:54.84 that there are different ways 00:07:54.84\00:07:56.24 in which we can express 00:07:56.24\00:07:57.41 this anger? 00:07:57.41\00:07:58.84 [DON] Yes. 00:07:58.84\00:08:00.11 >> So can you explain 00:08:00.11\00:08:01.08 what that looks like? 00:08:01.08\00:08:02.34 >> There are actually four 00:08:02.34\00:08:03.65 ways of expressing anger. 00:08:03.65\00:08:05.35 Three of them are very 00:08:05.98\00:08:07.32 unhealthy usually and 00:08:07.32\00:08:09.32 inappropriate usually, 00:08:09.32\00:08:10.92 and one very healthy, almost 00:08:10.92\00:08:13.05 always appropriate. 00:08:13.05\00:08:14.59 Let's talk about passive anger 00:08:15.59\00:08:17.66 an unhealthy expression of 00:08:17.66\00:08:19.09 anger generally, passive anger 00:08:19.09\00:08:21.06 is when you stuff it, you hold 00:08:21.06\00:08:22.93 it in, hold it down and you 00:08:22.93\00:08:25.13 kinda pretend you're not angry. 00:08:25.13\00:08:27.37 People who express anger 00:08:28.30\00:08:29.84 passively, they're not really 00:08:29.84\00:08:31.34 respecting themselves, they're 00:08:31.34\00:08:33.14 just respecting everybody else 00:08:33.14\00:08:34.78 'cause they're not willing to 00:08:34.78\00:08:36.01 speak up for themselves, to 00:08:36.01\00:08:37.58 protect themselves, to set a 00:08:37.58\00:08:38.98 boundary to protect themselves. 00:08:38.98\00:08:40.45 Let's take aggressive anger, 00:08:41.32\00:08:42.68 that's kind of the one we're 00:08:42.68\00:08:43.79 familiar with, right? 00:08:43.79\00:08:45.02 The fireworks, the loud. 00:08:45.02\00:08:46.59 The aggressive anger doesn't 00:08:47.09\00:08:48.86 respect other people, only the 00:08:48.86\00:08:50.73 person who's expressing it. 00:08:50.73\00:08:52.53 The aggressive, angry person 00:08:53.16\00:08:57.00 wants to have control, they 00:08:57.00\00:08:58.53 wanna control others, they 00:08:58.53\00:08:59.70 want to intimidate them. 00:08:59.70\00:09:02.27 Then there's this insidious 00:09:02.27\00:09:03.51 combination of the two called 00:09:03.51\00:09:05.24 passive-aggressive expressions 00:09:05.24\00:09:07.04 of anger, kind of a 00:09:07.04\00:09:08.74 combination of the worst parts 00:09:08.74\00:09:10.48 of both of those. 00:09:10.48\00:09:11.91 And the thing about 00:09:11.91\00:09:13.35 passive-aggressive anger is it 00:09:13.35\00:09:15.18 can be couched or hidden. 00:09:15.18\00:09:17.49 Like, it can be hidden as 00:09:17.49\00:09:19.22 humour: "I was only joking." 00:09:19.22\00:09:20.99 Or sarcasm, they think they're 00:09:20.99\00:09:22.66 funny by being sarcastic, but 00:09:22.66\00:09:24.36 it's really cutting. 00:09:24.36\00:09:26.03 Or gossip, gossip is really a 00:09:26.03\00:09:27.56 passive-aggressive because 00:09:27.56\00:09:29.03 you're not willing to express 00:09:29.03\00:09:30.13 your anger to the person 00:09:30.13\00:09:31.67 you're angry at, but you'll 00:09:31.67\00:09:32.87 talk about 'em behind 00:09:32.87\00:09:33.84 their back. 00:09:33.84\00:09:35.10 Or some kind of anonymous 00:09:35.10\00:09:37.01 forms of anger all come under 00:09:37.01\00:09:38.67 the heading of 00:09:38.67\00:09:40.11 "passive-aggressive anger." 00:09:40.11\00:09:41.84 >> So, Don, what is the 00:09:42.78\00:09:45.08 healthy, appropriate way of 00:09:45.08\00:09:47.28 expressing your anger then? 00:09:47.28\00:09:49.08 >> There is an appropriate way 00:09:50.05\00:09:52.05 and we call it "assertiveness." 00:09:52.05\00:09:53.52 Now, a lot of people are 00:09:53.92\00:09:55.39 afraid of that word because 00:09:55.39\00:09:56.56 they think assertiveness is 00:09:56.56\00:09:57.83 like an aggressive kind of 00:09:57.83\00:09:58.99 anger, but it's not at all. 00:09:58.99\00:10:00.43 Assertiveness is not a way to 00:10:00.83\00:10:03.10 get your own way. 00:10:03.10\00:10:04.73 An assertive person really 00:10:04.73\00:10:06.97 believes that they're only in 00:10:06.97\00:10:08.70 charge of their own behaviour 00:10:08.70\00:10:10.17 and that others are in charge 00:10:10.17\00:10:11.87 of their behaviour. 00:10:11.87\00:10:13.27 So the assertive person 00:10:13.27\00:10:14.94 respects them self and 00:10:14.94\00:10:17.11 others equally. 00:10:17.11\00:10:18.85 The assertive person is 00:10:18.85\00:10:20.28 willing to put boundaries on 00:10:20.28\00:10:22.82 themselves to protect 00:10:22.82\00:10:24.32 themselves from being harmed, 00:10:24.32\00:10:26.22 but they're willing to speak 00:10:26.22\00:10:27.59 their truth, but when they do 00:10:27.59\00:10:28.76 speak their truth, they speak 00:10:28.76\00:10:30.16 it respectfully and they 00:10:30.16\00:10:32.06 respect other people's 00:10:32.06\00:10:33.50 opinions as well. 00:10:33.50\00:10:34.83 >> So can it really be that 00:10:35.80\00:10:37.83 simple, just be assertive all 00:10:37.83\00:10:39.43 the time? 00:10:39.43\00:10:40.34 >> It's not simple, to tell 00:10:41.27\00:10:42.67 you the truth, it's not simple 00:10:42.67\00:10:44.27 and I have-- I'm being very 00:10:44.27\00:10:46.34 sort of short here. 00:10:46.34\00:10:48.04 My book goes into great detail 00:10:48.04\00:10:49.81 about all of these four types 00:10:49.81\00:10:51.95 of expressions of anger. 00:10:51.95\00:10:53.72 But just to say a little bit 00:10:53.72\00:10:55.32 about that; you see, sometimes 00:10:55.32\00:10:58.05 it's appropriate to be passive. 00:10:58.05\00:11:00.42 If someone really has a gun to 00:11:00.42\00:11:02.16 your head and says, "Hand me" 00:11:02.16\00:11:03.46 "your wallet," be passive, 00:11:03.46\00:11:05.83 give him your wallet. 00:11:05.83\00:11:07.03 This is not a time for an 00:11:07.03\00:11:08.13 assertive conversation. 00:11:08.13\00:11:11.00 And you know that police 00:11:11.00\00:11:12.23 sometimes have to become 00:11:12.23\00:11:13.64 aggressive to take down 00:11:13.64\00:11:16.24 dangerous people to protect us. 00:11:16.24\00:11:18.91 So it's not always that easy. 00:11:18.91\00:11:21.48 The other problem is this: 00:11:21.48\00:11:24.15 assertiveness is a skill to be 00:11:24.15\00:11:26.88 learned and practised and 00:11:26.88\00:11:28.92 they're not teaching this in 00:11:28.92\00:11:30.22 schools, unfortunately. 00:11:30.22\00:11:31.69 So most of us don't know much 00:11:31.69\00:11:33.36 about how to be assertive. 00:11:33.36\00:11:35.39 I do workshops on 00:11:35.39\00:11:36.69 assertiveness skills. 00:11:36.69\00:11:38.26 But you can learn all the 00:11:38.26\00:11:39.56 skills, how to say the right 00:11:39.56\00:11:41.13 words, when to say them, 00:11:41.13\00:11:42.70 etcetera, etcetera. 00:11:42.70\00:11:44.00 But there's another problem as 00:11:44.00\00:11:45.67 we talked about in prior 00:11:45.67\00:11:47.50 episodes, we get flooded, we 00:11:47.50\00:11:50.21 get triggered, we get into 00:11:50.21\00:11:51.84 this "fight, flight, or freeze" 00:11:51.84\00:11:53.17 in an instant and our 00:11:53.17\00:11:55.01 heart-rates go up, we're 00:11:55.01\00:11:57.05 flooded, we don't see 00:11:57.05\00:11:58.35 everything, we don't hear 00:11:58.35\00:11:59.81 everything, we're not thinking 00:11:59.81\00:12:01.25 rationally and our emotions 00:12:01.25\00:12:03.25 take over and we become 00:12:03.25\00:12:05.95 flooded, aggressive, 00:12:05.95\00:12:08.19 passive-aggressive or 00:12:08.19\00:12:09.39 even passive. 00:12:09.39\00:12:10.69 Fight, flight, or freeze is 00:12:10.69\00:12:11.96 really what those three are. 00:12:11.96\00:12:14.00 >> So, Don, can you tell us 00:12:14.00\00:12:15.63 more about how this works? 00:12:15.63\00:12:17.97 >> Sure. 00:12:17.97\00:12:19.47 I developed the iceberg model 00:12:19.47\00:12:22.60 because the iceberg, as you 00:12:22.60\00:12:24.41 probably know, we only see 00:12:24.41\00:12:26.61 10 to 15% of an iceberg, 85 or 00:12:26.61\00:12:30.18 90% of the iceberg is below 00:12:30.18\00:12:31.91 the surface. 00:12:31.91\00:12:33.45 What we see is what we call it 00:12:33.45\00:12:35.45 "the tip of the iceberg" and 00:12:35.45\00:12:37.05 these are our behaviours. 00:12:37.05\00:12:39.19 We see people behave in 00:12:39.19\00:12:40.72 certain ways. 00:12:40.72\00:12:41.72 Self-defeating behaviours, 00:12:42.66\00:12:44.06 what the Bible calls, "sin," 00:12:44.06\00:12:45.76 are things like your 00:12:45.76\00:12:47.03 addictions, fighting, fight, 00:12:47.03\00:12:49.60 flight, and freeze often are 00:12:49.60\00:12:51.40 self-defeating behaviours, 00:12:51.40\00:12:53.23 whereas life-enhancing 00:12:53.23\00:12:54.60 behaviours are loving actions, 00:12:54.60\00:12:56.20 caring, honouring, respecting. 00:12:56.20\00:12:58.84 But behind or below the 00:12:58.84\00:13:00.41 surface of self-defeating 00:13:00.41\00:13:01.91 behaviours is the emotion 00:13:01.91\00:13:04.18 of anger. 00:13:04.18\00:13:05.45 Now it's just below the 00:13:05.98\00:13:07.45 surface, we can't see anger 00:13:07.45\00:13:09.68 because it's an emotion, we 00:13:09.68\00:13:11.95 only see how it's expressed 00:13:11.95\00:13:14.16 in our behaviours. 00:13:14.16\00:13:15.92 But anger is really a 00:13:15.92\00:13:18.36 secondary emotion most of the 00:13:18.36\00:13:20.20 time, which means there are 00:13:20.20\00:13:22.20 primary emotion or emotions 00:13:22.20\00:13:25.17 behind the anger; fear, 00:13:25.17\00:13:27.17 sadness, guilt, shame is the 00:13:27.17\00:13:29.27 big one. 00:13:29.27\00:13:30.87 Shame is an emotion that often 00:13:30.87\00:13:34.08 affects how the anger comes 00:13:34.08\00:13:36.81 out, how it's expressed. 00:13:36.81\00:13:39.41 Now, I could have put the 00:13:39.41\00:13:40.72 word, "guilt," here as well as 00:13:40.72\00:13:41.95 the word, "shame," because the 00:13:41.95\00:13:43.12 Bible really doesn't 00:13:43.12\00:13:44.29 differentiate between these 00:13:44.29\00:13:46.02 two words, "guilt" and "shame." 00:13:46.02\00:13:48.86 They feel the same. 00:13:48.86\00:13:50.26 They feel identical. 00:13:50.26\00:13:51.96 So it's really a matter of 00:13:51.96\00:13:53.23 definitions here because guilt 00:13:53.23\00:13:55.90 is when I've done something to 00:13:55.90\00:13:57.67 hurt somebody, it's an action, 00:13:57.67\00:13:59.17 it's a behaviour, I do 00:13:59.17\00:14:00.74 something so I feel guilt. 00:14:00.74\00:14:03.97 However, shame is false guilt. 00:14:03.97\00:14:07.04 I haven't done anything wrong, 00:14:07.04\00:14:08.61 but I feel guilty. 00:14:08.61\00:14:10.85 So you can see that would 00:14:10.85\00:14:12.11 serve no purpose, remember I 00:14:12.11\00:14:13.31 said shame is the one emotion 00:14:13.31\00:14:14.65 that serves no purpose. 00:14:14.65\00:14:15.95 Why would false guilt serve 00:14:15.95\00:14:17.02 any purpose? 00:14:17.02\00:14:18.05 But shame is that big culprit 00:14:18.82\00:14:21.89 because shame isn't about what 00:14:21.89\00:14:23.59 I have done, shame is about a 00:14:23.59\00:14:26.80 belief of who I am and so we 00:14:26.80\00:14:29.10 go back to those negative 00:14:29.10\00:14:30.80 beliefs, those untruthful lies 00:14:30.80\00:14:33.10 that we come to believe, like, 00:14:33.10\00:14:34.44 "I'm not important, I'm not" 00:14:34.44\00:14:36.30 "worthy, I'm not good enough," 00:14:36.30\00:14:38.41 "I'm stupid, I'm ugly." 00:14:38.41\00:14:40.61 All of these beliefs, these 00:14:40.61\00:14:42.51 negative beliefs, actually 00:14:42.51\00:14:44.55 create the emotion of shame. 00:14:44.55\00:14:46.51 If you wanna define shame it's 00:14:46.51\00:14:47.75 basically a very painful 00:14:47.75\00:14:51.02 emotion or experience that we 00:14:51.02\00:14:54.39 get when we believe we're not 00:14:54.39\00:14:56.59 good enough or we're flawed 00:14:56.59\00:14:58.39 and we don't belong. 00:14:58.39\00:14:59.83 But the thing about these 00:15:00.80\00:15:02.00 negative beliefs is they come 00:15:02.00\00:15:04.33 from some kind of experience 00:15:04.33\00:15:07.14 that we've had in the past. 00:15:07.14\00:15:08.84 We call them "core wounds." 00:15:08.84\00:15:10.74 Remember Johnny when his dad 00:15:10.74\00:15:12.61 yelled at him and told him 00:15:12.61\00:15:15.14 these scary things that Johnny 00:15:15.14\00:15:18.01 was so hurt by? 00:15:18.01\00:15:19.75 And Johnny had this core wound 00:15:19.75\00:15:21.45 from his father and he started 00:15:21.45\00:15:22.88 to believe he was stupid, that 00:15:22.88\00:15:24.92 he was not a good person, and 00:15:24.92\00:15:26.69 when those beliefs come up in 00:15:26.69\00:15:28.36 our minds, they create the 00:15:28.36\00:15:30.16 emotion of shame and anger is 00:15:30.16\00:15:32.39 actually an anaesthetic to pain, 00:15:32.39\00:15:36.56 an anaesthetic to pain and 00:15:36.56\00:15:38.43 shame is actually a pain and 00:15:38.43\00:15:40.00 the unconscious brain does not 00:15:40.00\00:15:41.77 differentiate between physical 00:15:41.77\00:15:43.37 pain and emotional pain. 00:15:43.37\00:15:45.14 I mean, our logical brains do, 00:15:45.14\00:15:47.01 but the conscious brain reacts 00:15:47.01\00:15:49.68 from this emotion of pain with 00:15:49.68\00:15:51.95 this emotion of anger because 00:15:51.95\00:15:53.58 it's just like we touched a 00:15:53.58\00:15:54.88 hot stove, we immediately go 00:15:54.88\00:15:56.25 to anger and when there's 00:15:56.25\00:15:57.89 shame behind the anger, that 00:15:57.89\00:15:59.79 anger comes out in these 00:15:59.79\00:16:01.36 self-defeating methods or 00:16:01.36\00:16:03.39 expressions. 00:16:03.39\00:16:04.69 >> So where does sadness and 00:16:05.73\00:16:08.46 fear and guilt come into the 00:16:08.46\00:16:10.00 iceberg model? 00:16:10.00\00:16:11.30 >> So what we need to know 00:16:12.60\00:16:14.37 here is that our society has 00:16:14.37\00:16:18.11 sort of programmed us, 00:16:18.11\00:16:19.77 especially men, for a man to 00:16:19.77\00:16:22.68 feel sad is shaming, it's like 00:16:22.68\00:16:26.38 I'm not-- I'm weak, 00:16:26.38\00:16:28.15 I'm not good enough. 00:16:28.15\00:16:29.62 For a man to feel afraid 00:16:29.62\00:16:32.12 creates shame, "I'm not strong" 00:16:32.12\00:16:34.02 "enough, I should be a man." 00:16:34.02\00:16:35.52 "Real men don't get afraid." 00:16:35.52\00:16:37.09 You see? 00:16:37.09\00:16:38.19 And so when we-- we can go 00:16:38.19\00:16:40.13 from sadness, immediately to 00:16:40.13\00:16:41.90 shame, and then to anger. 00:16:41.90\00:16:43.60 >> So, Don, let me see if I 00:16:45.03\00:16:47.64 understand the definitions 00:16:47.64\00:16:50.21 between shame and guilt and 00:16:50.21\00:16:52.67 how they differ. 00:16:52.67\00:16:54.21 So guilt-- so what you're 00:16:54.21\00:16:56.75 saying, really, is that guilt 00:16:56.75\00:16:59.68 is how you're feeling, like 00:16:59.68\00:17:01.78 you're guilty 'cause you've 00:17:01.78\00:17:03.49 done something bad, but shame 00:17:03.49\00:17:06.19 is a label: "You are bad," 00:17:06.19\00:17:09.79 "I am bad, I'm not a" 00:17:09.79\00:17:12.09 "good person." 00:17:12.09\00:17:13.19 [DON] Exactly. 00:17:13.19\00:17:14.83 And the reason it's important 00:17:14.83\00:17:16.30 to get this difference is 00:17:16.30\00:17:17.73 because we have to treat each 00:17:17.73\00:17:20.34 of these differently. 00:17:20.34\00:17:22.10 So as a counsellor, I need to 00:17:22.10\00:17:24.04 help my clients, if they're 00:17:24.04\00:17:26.78 actually feeling true guilt, 00:17:26.78\00:17:29.38 this is where they need to 00:17:29.38\00:17:30.88 forgive, they need to 00:17:30.88\00:17:32.48 apologize, make amends 00:17:32.48\00:17:33.75 because this is how we 00:17:33.75\00:17:34.95 heal guilt. 00:17:34.95\00:17:37.32 But you can't treat false 00:17:37.32\00:17:39.05 guilt that way, you have to 00:17:39.05\00:17:41.16 treat it differently. 00:17:41.16\00:17:42.72 Remember shame is false guilt, 00:17:42.72\00:17:44.23 it's based on labels, who I 00:17:44.23\00:17:46.29 believe I am and those are 00:17:46.29\00:17:48.23 lies, that is where we have to 00:17:48.23\00:17:50.50 tell ourselves the truth, 00:17:50.50\00:17:51.77 that's how we treat shame, 00:17:51.77\00:17:53.10 we recognize that I'm 00:17:53.10\00:17:54.47 believing a lie right now, I 00:17:54.47\00:17:56.44 need to say the truth about 00:17:56.44\00:17:58.04 myself, "I am important," 00:17:58.04\00:17:59.94 "I do matter, I am worthy," 00:17:59.94\00:18:02.68 "I'm a child of God." 00:18:02.68\00:18:04.35 >> So this is, like you said, 00:18:05.25\00:18:08.38 really treated differently in 00:18:08.38\00:18:09.95 your counselling. 00:18:09.95\00:18:11.25 So how has this helped and how 00:18:11.25\00:18:13.25 do you treat this as a 00:18:13.25\00:18:14.69 counsellor? 00:18:14.69\00:18:16.09 >> Actually, it's very much 00:18:16.69\00:18:18.19 more complicated than even how 00:18:18.19\00:18:19.76 I've expressed it, but that's 00:18:19.76\00:18:21.33 one of the things I do, that 00:18:21.33\00:18:22.60 type of therapy, right? 00:18:22.60\00:18:24.30 I use forgiveness therapy as a 00:18:24.30\00:18:26.17 way of letting go and I'm 00:18:26.17\00:18:27.67 gonna talk about that in depth 00:18:27.67\00:18:29.00 in a future episode, and I use 00:18:29.00\00:18:31.37 cognitive behavioural therapy 00:18:31.37\00:18:33.11 to address the shame. 00:18:33.11\00:18:35.04 But, you see, besides this 00:18:35.04\00:18:37.28 core wound, we get this core 00:18:37.28\00:18:38.88 wound, right, from somebody, 00:18:38.88\00:18:40.95 and sometimes, in fact most 00:18:40.95\00:18:43.22 often, a core wound is 00:18:43.22\00:18:45.59 traumatizing and we get 00:18:45.59\00:18:48.36 different levels of PTSD, Post 00:18:48.36\00:18:50.66 Traumatic Stress Disorder, 00:18:50.66\00:18:52.49 from some of the wounds that 00:18:52.49\00:18:53.90 people have caused us. 00:18:53.90\00:18:55.43 And so, as a counsellor, I 00:18:55.43\00:18:57.47 have to treat the root of this 00:18:57.47\00:19:00.17 shame, the root of the 00:19:00.17\00:19:01.77 negative belief and that's 00:19:01.77\00:19:03.74 generally some kind of trauma. 00:19:03.74\00:19:06.04 And I have special therapies 00:19:06.04\00:19:07.58 that I've been trained in as a 00:19:07.58\00:19:09.04 trauma counsellor to help 00:19:09.04\00:19:10.98 people get free of the pain of 00:19:10.98\00:19:13.42 that trauma, it's another 00:19:13.42\00:19:15.18 layer even below that needs to 00:19:15.18\00:19:17.22 be treated so they don't get 00:19:17.22\00:19:19.22 triggered. 00:19:19.22\00:19:20.12 >> And you've talked about a 00:19:20.76\00:19:22.19 lot of that in your book and 00:19:22.19\00:19:23.93 how effective that is. 00:19:23.93\00:19:26.53 So before we close, can we 00:19:26.53\00:19:28.56 talk about God's anger? 00:19:28.56\00:19:31.10 [DON] Right, we need to come 00:19:31.10\00:19:32.20 back to that. 00:19:32.20\00:19:33.34 So we know that God has anger, 00:19:33.94\00:19:36.81 but you could also see right 00:19:36.81\00:19:38.71 now that surely God does not 00:19:38.71\00:19:41.44 feel shame or guilt or fear, 00:19:41.44\00:19:46.65 these aren't the things that 00:19:46.65\00:19:48.12 are below God's anger. 00:19:48.12\00:19:49.65 So God has the ability to 00:19:49.65\00:19:51.95 express anger appropriately, 00:19:51.95\00:19:54.69 assertively, if you will, 00:19:54.69\00:19:56.96 and really, what does God do 00:19:56.96\00:19:59.33 with His anger? 00:19:59.33\00:20:00.83 He forgives. 00:20:00.83\00:20:02.53 Let me share something 00:20:02.53\00:20:03.57 with you. 00:20:03.57\00:20:04.73 This is the heart of God. 00:20:04.73\00:20:06.30 Jesus said... 00:20:07.24\00:20:09.27 Jonathan Edwards talked as if 00:20:23.39\00:20:26.15 God was our worst enemy, 00:20:26.15\00:20:29.92 but God says, "I wanna be" 00:20:29.92\00:20:31.53 "your friends, not just your" 00:20:31.53\00:20:33.40 "father, but your friend." 00:20:33.40\00:20:36.90 So this is so important to 00:20:36.90\00:20:39.30 understand the character 00:20:39.30\00:20:40.50 of God. 00:20:40.50\00:20:42.10 The truth is God loves us 00:20:42.87\00:20:45.64 and God's love is a 00:20:45.64\00:20:46.91 sacrificial love, a love 00:20:46.91\00:20:49.11 that will never let us go. 00:20:49.11\00:20:51.28 ¤Oh love that will not 00:20:52.55\00:20:56.62 ¤let me go 00:20:56.62\00:21:01.59 ¤I rest my weary soul in thee 00:21:01.59\00:21:09.70 ¤I give thee back 00:21:09.70\00:21:13.40 ¤the life I owe 00:21:13.40\00:21:17.97 ¤That in thine ocean depths 00:21:17.97\00:21:22.48 ¤its flow 00:21:22.48\00:21:25.15 ¤May richer, fuller be 00:21:25.15\00:21:36.02 ¤Oh joy that seekest me 00:21:37.03\00:21:40.60 ¤through pain 00:21:40.60\00:21:44.17 ¤I cannot close my heart 00:21:44.17\00:21:47.50 ¤to thee 00:21:47.50\00:21:51.54 ¤I trace the rainbow 00:21:51.54\00:21:55.41 ¤through the rain 00:21:55.41\00:21:59.41 ¤And feel the promise 00:21:59.41\00:22:03.65 ¤is not vain 00:22:03.65\00:22:06.82 ¤That morn shall tearless be 00:22:06.82\00:22:17.87 ¤Ooo 00:22:18.83\00:22:25.17 ¤Oh cross that liftest up 00:22:26.01\00:22:30.28 ¤my head 00:22:30.28\00:22:34.05 ¤I dare not ask to fly 00:22:34.05\00:22:38.12 ¤from thee 00:22:38.12\00:22:41.86 ¤I lay in dust's life's 00:22:41.86\00:22:45.63 ¤glory dead 00:22:45.63\00:22:49.73 ¤And from the ground 00:22:49.73\00:22:53.23 ¤there blossoms red 00:22:53.23\00:22:56.77 ¤Life that shall endless be 00:22:56.77\00:23:08.48 >> So we know that God is love 00:23:12.75\00:23:15.49 and we know that God has 00:23:15.49\00:23:17.49 chosen to run His universe on 00:23:17.49\00:23:19.56 this principle of love and 00:23:19.56\00:23:21.43 freedom because without 00:23:21.43\00:23:23.63 freedom there can be no love. 00:23:23.63\00:23:26.80 And we know that God has the 00:23:26.80\00:23:28.34 emotion of anger and what I've 00:23:28.34\00:23:30.31 found in the book of Romans, 00:23:30.31\00:23:31.91 chapter 1 is kind of a series 00:23:31.91\00:23:34.14 of verses that really shows us 00:23:34.14\00:23:37.58 how God prefers to show His 00:23:37.58\00:23:41.02 anger, to express His anger. 00:23:41.02\00:23:43.22 And it starts with this, 00:23:43.22\00:23:44.89 it says... 00:23:44.89\00:23:46.72 And then there are verses that 00:23:57.33\00:23:59.27 tell how He shows it. 00:23:59.27\00:24:01.24 It goes on like this... 00:24:01.24\00:24:02.97 Another verse... 00:24:10.38\00:24:12.18 And a third one... 00:24:18.05\00:24:19.69 That is a God of freedom 00:24:31.07\00:24:33.40 because God knows you can't 00:24:33.40\00:24:35.47 force people to love Him. 00:24:35.47\00:24:37.44 Love must only come when you 00:24:37.44\00:24:39.77 have freedom, the choice 00:24:39.77\00:24:42.11 to choose. 00:24:42.11\00:24:43.68 Jesus showed us what it means 00:24:45.71\00:24:50.45 to love when He said, "Father," 00:24:50.45\00:24:53.66 "forgive these people, they do" 00:24:53.66\00:24:56.16 "not know what they're doing." 00:24:56.16\00:24:59.09 He said those words when they 00:24:59.09\00:25:00.53 were nailing Him to a cross. 00:25:00.53\00:25:03.20 These are the words of a 00:25:04.33\00:25:06.20 loving God, a God that wants 00:25:06.20\00:25:08.54 to be our friend. 00:25:08.54\00:25:11.04 He wants to reconcile with us. 00:25:11.04\00:25:14.24 You see, we're not talking 00:25:15.28\00:25:16.61 about an angry father 00:25:16.61\00:25:19.28 torturing His son for our sins. 00:25:19.28\00:25:23.32 Never. 00:25:23.32\00:25:24.95 Listen, it says... 00:25:24.95\00:25:27.22 That's the God who wants to be 00:25:58.59\00:26:00.89 our friends. 00:26:00.89\00:26:02.12 Is God an angry God? 00:26:03.19\00:26:05.29 No, a thousand times no! 00:26:06.46\00:26:09.36 We are in the hands of a 00:26:09.36\00:26:11.00 loving God. 00:26:11.00\00:26:12.63 >> Don, thank you so much for 00:26:14.44\00:26:16.17 that beautiful picture that 00:26:16.17\00:26:18.01 you have painted of God's love 00:26:18.01\00:26:20.51 and Him wanting to be our 00:26:20.51\00:26:22.74 friend because He loves us so 00:26:22.74\00:26:24.91 much and cares for us so much. 00:26:24.91\00:26:27.25 Before we end, I wonder if you 00:26:27.25\00:26:29.18 could please pray for us. 00:26:29.18\00:26:30.72 >> For sure. 00:26:30.72\00:26:31.85 Father God, You have revealed 00:26:33.72\00:26:37.49 Your character through Your 00:26:37.49\00:26:39.49 Son, Jesus Christ, who came 00:26:39.49\00:26:42.33 and lived on this earth as a 00:26:42.33\00:26:45.83 man and yet as God. 00:26:45.83\00:26:48.90 Thank You for this offer of 00:26:48.90\00:26:50.37 friendship that you've 00:26:50.37\00:26:51.61 extended to us. 00:26:51.61\00:26:53.27 I just pray for all those 00:26:53.27\00:26:55.18 listening would reach out 00:26:55.18\00:26:57.75 and take Your hand and choose 00:26:57.75\00:27:00.58 this friendship. 00:27:00.58\00:27:02.02 In Jesus name, I pray, amen. 00:27:02.02\00:27:03.75 [MIKE] Amen, amen. 00:27:03.75\00:27:05.75 Don, thank you so much for 00:27:05.75\00:27:07.72 presenting such a beautiful 00:27:07.72\00:27:09.09 picture of God and next time 00:27:09.09\00:27:10.46 we're gonna be talking about 00:27:10.46\00:27:12.59 how to deal with deep hurt. 00:27:12.59\00:27:14.46 >> Mm-hmm. 00:27:14.46\00:27:15.90 >> Friends, as Don Straub 00:27:17.97\00:27:19.47 shared with us, God is not 00:27:19.47\00:27:21.30 only a God of love, but a God 00:27:21.30\00:27:23.77 of freedom and we want to give 00:27:23.77\00:27:25.74 you a chance to learn more 00:27:25.74\00:27:28.08 about this freedom by sending 00:27:28.08\00:27:29.68 you our free offer today which 00:27:29.68\00:27:31.55 is Don Straub's book entitled, 00:27:31.55\00:27:33.92 Bridges To Freedom: Creating 00:27:33.92\00:27:35.92 Change Through Science and 00:27:35.92\00:27:38.65 Christian Spirituality. 00:27:38.65\00:27:40.79 >> So you can move closer to 00:27:40.79\00:27:42.56 the Lord, get past your 00:27:42.56\00:27:44.16 mistakes, and learn life 00:27:44.16\00:27:45.86 lessons with the essential 00:27:45.86\00:27:47.46 bridges to freedom described 00:27:47.46\00:27:49.23 in this book. 00:27:49.23\00:27:50.60 >> We want you to experience 00:27:53.13\00:27:54.77 the truth that is found in the 00:27:54.77\00:27:56.50 words of Jesus when He said, 00:27:56.50\00:27:58.41 "It is written, man shall not" 00:27:58.41\00:28:00.31 "live by bread alone, but by" 00:28:00.31\00:28:03.28 "every word that proceeds out" 00:28:03.28\00:28:05.18 "of the mouth of God." 00:28:05.18\00:28:07.38 ¤¤ 00:28:08.22\00:28:52.53