[hopeful anthem]
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JB: This is It Is
Written. I'm John Bradshaw,
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thanks for joining
me. When it comes to
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matters of faith,
matters of the Bible,
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faith in God is by very
definition a rather intellectual
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exercise, that is to
say, what does the Bible say?
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And beyond that,
what does the Bible mean?
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However, faith in
God is faith in God.
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It's not just
about a belief system.
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A person who has faith in God
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enters into a
relationship with an individual.
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So far from simply the intellect
being involved, the emotions are
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and must be involved when
it comes to matters of faith.
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How can a person be emotionally
healthy, and how does that,
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or even does that, affect
our relationship with God?
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We're going to find that
out today, because my guest,
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my special guest,
is Dr. Neil Nedley,
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the president of
Nedley Health Solutions.
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Dr. Nedley, thanks for being
here, welcome to It Is Written.
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NN: Thank you.
Great to be here, John.
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JB: Intelligence. NN: Yes.
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JB: It's not just about the
mind, it's about the emotions,
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because I'm hearing more
and more, and I'm hearing quite
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a bit of it from you,
about emotional intelligence.
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NN: Yes. JB: Now, what's that?
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NN: Emotional intelligence
is really five things.
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Knowing our
emotions, in other words,
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being aware of what we
are feeling and why, precisely
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why we're feeling that way.
Secondly, managing our emotions.
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People with low emotional
intelligence are managed
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by their emotions.
People with high emotional
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intelligence still have
emotions, but they are managing
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those emotions. JB:
That's a really key point
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that, isn't it? NN: It is.
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JB: Being controlled by,
but controlling your emotion.
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NN: Exactly. And
controlling your emotions is
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also vital for part of the
psychological good life that's
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being emerging in a lot of
studies, called self-control.
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Those who have self-control
actually psychologically are far
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better off than those who don't.
The key element of that is
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managing our emotions.
That's part of self-control.
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JB: And what
are the other three?
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NN: The third one is recognizing
emotions in others and really
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having some empathy
toward others, which is part of
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recognizing emotions in others.
Fourth is managing relationships
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with others. And
then five, in the word
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emotion is the word
motion. And so the fifth part of
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emotional intelligence is
motivating yourself to achieve
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your goals. JB: What
do we talk about when
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we talk about our
emotions? They are joy, sadness,
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you tell me. NN: Sure. Actually,
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calm is an emotion
too. Sometimes we think calm
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is not feeling. But
no, the emotion of feeling
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calm is actually
normally a good thing.
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Bitterness,
sadness, disappointment.
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JB: Okay. So why is
emotional intelligence
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important? NN: Well,
IQ is our capacity to
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learn, retain
and apply knowledge.
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And emotional intelligence
is being able to manage our
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emotions, to know them, manage
our relationships with others,
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and proper motivation.
JB: Do we need to make a big
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deal out of this, or
can't people just be people?
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NN: Oh, people can be people.
I'm not saying that we shouldn't
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be ourselves and be
people. But we should, actually,
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be balanced people and
in control of ourselves.
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JB: It's not being
managed by your emotions
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but managing your
emotions. NN: Exactly.
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We all go through
nuisances of life.
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Studies show that successful
and enjoyable living is
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much more connected
to emotional intelligence
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than general intelligence.
JB: Okay, that's key.
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You can be someone
who's emotionally intelligent,
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but you can lose your grip.
NN: You can lose your grip.
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JB: And pay consequences.
NN: And what is ideal, I mean,
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not only is it ideal, but it
really ramps it up, is when we
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have comprehensive emotional
intelligence all the time.
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And it's possible. Not
only is it possible, it is
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something that every human
being can actually achieve.
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JB: How do you take this thing
under, get your emotions under
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control and
function really positively?
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NN: There's two main ways.
One of the ways that often,
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you know, studies
focus in onto is what
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we're putting into our body and
what we're doing with our body.
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So, for instance, if you're
on a regular exercise program,
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it helps your
emotional intelligence.
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If you're getting adequate
sleep, it helps your emotional
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intelligence. If
you're eating the right
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foods, it helps the
emotional intelligence.
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So those are
important but, it turns out,
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not the most important.
As important as those are,
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the most important
thing affecting our emotional
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intelligence is our beliefs,
our evaluation of events,
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the way we think about problems,
and our silent self-talk.
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This is the moment-by-moment
messages we give ourselves.
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That is the most crucial aspect
to emotional intelligence.
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JB: But you can eat your
way to healthier emotions?
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NN: A few years ago there was a
businessman who won the contract
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for the California prisons.
The first thing he did was he
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had a nutritionist interview
the prisoners coming in to the
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California state prison.
And the nutritionist told them
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what they were eating could
actually have an effect on their
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emotions and
emotional intelligence.
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And it turns out that the diet
she was recommending-- and, of
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course, there's scientific
backing for this-- was a
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plant-based diet. And
some prisoners thought it
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was punishment enough to
be in prison, but to be on a
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plant-based diet would be cruel
and unusual punishment, so they
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chose the typical American diet.
But it turns out over 90% of the
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prisoners chose the plant-based
diet, meaning that she was a
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good educator, and they
were motivated to try this diet.
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Within a few weeks, they
mentioned how, you know, for
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anyone who's been in a prison,
there are stressful things that
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happen in that prison, from
the other prisoners and from the
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guards, and herding
the prisoners around,
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and a lot of stressful things.
But they noticed that they were
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able to manage their emotions,
and they were able to talk to
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the security guard, even if they
were upset, they were able to
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talk to him in measured tones,
and the security guard actually
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listened to them. And
they said, you know what?
00:08:18.13\00:08:20.63
I think if I were eating
like this on the outside,
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I probably never would
have ended up in there.
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The people who got
out, it was actually a
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correctional facility.
And so they were corrected,
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to a large part,
in regard to what they
00:08:32.67\00:08:34.38
were putting into their bodies.
So it can have a crucial impact.
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JB: Controlling your emotions.
You can control your emotions
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and be emotionally intelligent.
And that's going to have a
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powerful impact on
your relationship with God.
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Don't go away. We'll have more
00:08:47.62\00:08:49.19
in just a moment.
00:08:49.19\00:08:50.83
JB: Christianity builds its hope
of forgiveness and eternal life
00:08:54.00\00:08:56.73
on a relationship. It's
kind of sad, then, that we
00:08:56.73\00:09:00.27
find ourselves rushing through
life, checking the news or
00:09:00.27\00:09:02.80
social media while
we're inhaling our breakfast.
00:09:02.80\00:09:05.91
We often don't
have time for God.
00:09:05.91\00:09:07.98
Doesn't a relationship as
important as this one deserve
00:09:07.98\00:09:10.88
quality time? To
learn more, request our free
00:09:10.88\00:09:14.92
booklet, "Quality Time."
Just call 800-253-3000 and ask
00:09:14.92\00:09:18.55
for your copy of "Quality Time."
If the line's busy, please try
00:09:18.55\00:09:24.83
again. Or you can write to:
00:09:24.83\00:09:26.80
It Is Written, P O Box 6,
Chattanooga, Tennessee 37401.
00:09:26.80\00:09:31.73
We'll mail a free copy to
your address in North America.
00:09:31.73\00:09:34.87
Again, our toll-free number
is 800-253-3000, and our web
00:09:34.87\00:09:40.11
address is ItIsWritten.com.
00:09:40.11\00:09:43.31
JB: This is It Is
Written. I'm John Bradshaw.
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Thank you for joining me today.
I'm being joined by Dr. Neil
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Nedley, the president of Nedley
Health Solutions, and today
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we're discussing
emotional intelligence.
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We hear about IQ,
but what about EQ?
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We're learning that a person can
be in control of their emotions
00:10:01.53\00:10:06.84
rather than be
controlled by their emotions.
00:10:06.84\00:10:10.11
And Dr. Nedley, there are so
many people who loath themselves
00:10:10.11\00:10:13.41
because they lose their temper,
or there are people who wish
00:10:13.41\00:10:16.28
that they could be up because
they continually seem to be
00:10:16.28\00:10:19.08
in a funk. And I
know that right now lights
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are going on, and people are
saying, "You mean I don't have
00:10:21.58\00:10:23.75
to be a slave to my emotions?"
NN: No, absolutely not.
00:10:23.75\00:10:26.72
In fact, we have the evidence,
in just ten days-- now,
00:10:26.72\00:10:31.19
it's a comprehensive program
but, you know, for instance,
00:10:31.19\00:10:34.00
right now even as we're
speaking here I'm running a
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ten-day program for
those with severe depression
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and anxiety. One of
the tests they take is an
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emotional intelligence
test when they come in.
00:10:42.60\00:10:45.31
And when they leave they'll
take it again, ten days later.
00:10:45.31\00:10:48.81
Our program enhances the frontal
lobe, analyzes the way they
00:10:48.81\00:10:53.68
think, those sorts of things.
It's not specifically for EQ,
00:10:53.68\00:10:57.79
but what happens in the average
mentally ill individual is their
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emotional intelligence goes
up by well over two standard
00:11:03.79\00:11:08.20
deviations. They
start out below average
00:11:08.20\00:11:11.10
in general, and
they end up in the
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top 20 percentile of the
country in most instances.
00:11:12.67\00:11:16.77
So not only do they leave
depression- and anxiety-free,
00:11:16.77\00:11:20.41
they also are poised for success
on a level that's far higher
00:11:20.41\00:11:25.85
than people who've
never suffered from depression
00:11:25.85\00:11:28.15
and anxiety. So the
point is, in ten days,
00:11:28.15\00:11:32.32
if you focus in on it in the
right way, it can dramatically
00:11:32.32\00:11:35.76
change for the better.
So emotional intelligence
00:11:35.76\00:11:38.19
can be learned.
It's not just inherited.
00:11:38.19\00:11:40.30
JB: If I believe a certain
race of people have no rights
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to live, this is going to
dramatically affect the way I
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express my emotions, hate,
persecutional, that may be not
00:11:49.47\00:11:53.01
an emotion, and that's
going to affect how I act out
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toward people. NN: Yes.
00:11:56.78\00:11:58.28
JB: Okay, if I believe in "love
your neighbor as yourself,"
00:11:58.28\00:12:01.15
surely then that's
going to impact my emotions.
00:12:01.15\00:12:03.55
NN: Exactly. JB:
What was number 2?
00:12:03.55\00:12:06.52
NN: Our evaluation of events.
JB: Meaning something happened,
00:12:06.52\00:12:09.19
and how do I perceive
that and weigh that up.
00:12:09.19\00:12:11.36
NN: Exactly. JB: Explain that.
00:12:11.36\00:12:12.39
NN: What we want to do is be
very objective in our evaluation
00:12:12.39\00:12:16.70
of events. JB: For
instance, that lady who
00:12:16.70\00:12:19.80
served me at the
check-out, she was rude,
00:12:19.80\00:12:23.54
she had an attitude
toward me, I'm so ticked off.
00:12:23.54\00:12:27.58
However, somebody
else says, you know,
00:12:27.58\00:12:30.38
I saw that she had just
dropped a box on her toe and she
00:12:30.38\00:12:33.28
was under some
stress, and therefore...
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Is this what we're talking
about, evaluating events?
00:12:35.78\00:12:37.69
NN: Our bad emotions are
not caused by things outside of
00:12:37.69\00:12:42.39
ourselves entirely. JB: Okay.
00:12:42.39\00:12:46.03
NN: For instance, if the person
was very rude to you at the
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counter, what you need to
recognize is for you to get
00:12:48.66\00:12:53.13
upset at that, you
have to actually not only be
00:12:53.13\00:12:57.17
treated rudely, but you
have to allow that individual
00:12:57.17\00:13:00.38
to get you
upset. JB: That's true.
00:13:00.38\00:13:02.78
You can make a decision--
NN: There's a decision
00:13:02.78\00:13:04.88
and there's a
thought-making process there.
00:13:04.88\00:13:06.78
JB: That's really interesting.
NN: And part of emotional
00:13:06.78\00:13:08.98
intelligence is recognizing
that we are actually responsible
00:13:08.98\00:13:13.69
for our own emotions. JB:
Point three and point four.
00:13:13.69\00:13:16.09
Evaluating events,
that's learning to look
00:13:16.09\00:13:17.83
objectively at things
that have taken place,
00:13:17.83\00:13:20.03
and not loading an event with
the kind of baggage that's going
00:13:20.03\00:13:22.80
to weigh you down emotionally.
What was three and four?
00:13:22.80\00:13:25.10
NN: The way we
think about problems.
00:13:25.10\00:13:27.50
When you have a practical
problem, for instance, your car
00:13:27.50\00:13:30.11
breaks down and you're in the,
you know, you're in the middle
00:13:30.11\00:13:33.21
of having to get to work on
time, and it's very crucial for
00:13:33.21\00:13:36.88
you to get to work on time.
That's a practical problem.
00:13:36.88\00:13:40.62
But if you have an emotional
reaction to that problem of such
00:13:40.62\00:13:44.02
where you're so angry and upset
that you can't even wisely help
00:13:44.02\00:13:49.49
direct people get your car off
the road and to the side, and
00:13:49.49\00:13:54.83
you're so emotionally upset that
you can't think properly to how
00:13:54.83\00:13:59.10
it's going to get fixed, that's
going to be a major issue.
00:13:59.10\00:14:03.27
And so often people,
when they have a problem,
00:14:03.27\00:14:05.67
they actually introduce
another problem that is
00:14:05.67\00:14:08.01
often worse, and that is
their emotional reaction to it.
00:14:08.01\00:14:12.01
And when they realize, hey, that
practical problem is going to be
00:14:12.01\00:14:14.55
there whether I'm miserable
about it or not, so why not just
00:14:14.55\00:14:19.69
give up my misery over it?
And then they can actually think
00:14:19.69\00:14:23.69
far better, actually be far more
better relationship partners,
00:14:23.69\00:14:28.63
and they can actually get to
the root of the problem often,
00:14:28.63\00:14:31.93
and correct it far
better. JB: Point four?
00:14:31.93\00:14:34.17
NN: Point four is
our silent self-talk.
00:14:34.17\00:14:36.91
Those are the moment-by-moment
messages we give ourselves.
00:14:36.91\00:14:39.54
JB: Okay. NN: And
here's the issue in
00:14:39.54\00:14:40.88
regard to that. Our
feelings, actually, what we
00:14:40.88\00:14:45.88
think has more to do with our
emotions than what is happening
00:14:45.88\00:14:50.12
in our life. And
what a lot of people don't
00:14:50.12\00:14:54.76
realize is, research
has documented that negative
00:14:54.76\00:14:58.43
thoughts which cause emotional
turmoil nearly always contain
00:14:58.43\00:15:03.33
gross distortions. On
the surface it appears valid,
00:15:03.33\00:15:07.17
but often when we have these
very negative emotions we have
00:15:07.17\00:15:10.61
some irrational beliefs,
our thinking often is twisted
00:15:10.61\00:15:15.51
or just plain
wrong, and actually,
00:15:15.51\00:15:17.98
twisted thinking is a
major cause of suffering.
00:15:17.98\00:15:21.02
JB: Boy, there's so much we
could talk about here, but I
00:15:21.02\00:15:22.88
want to get to how we think,
how a person can learn to think
00:15:22.88\00:15:30.23
positively and productively.
And we're going to see how this
00:15:30.23\00:15:34.73
powerfully impacts
one's relationship with God.
00:15:34.73\00:15:37.93
Learning to think straight
and be emotionally intelligent.
00:15:37.93\00:15:42.04
More in just a moment.
00:15:42.04\00:15:43.84
[gentle positive melody]
"Every Word" is a one-minute,
00:15:44.51\00:15:46.34
Bible-based daily devotional
presented by Pastor John
00:15:46.34\00:15:48.88
Bradshaw, and designed
especially for busy people like
00:15:48.88\00:15:51.88
you. Look for "Every Word" on
00:15:51.88\00:15:54.15
selected networks or watch it
online every day on our website,
00:15:54.15\00:15:57.69
ItIsWritten.com.
00:15:57.69\00:15:59.82
[upbeat melody]
00:16:00.76\00:16:04.29
JB: A Mayo Clinic study
has found that pessimists have
00:16:07.76\00:16:11.33
higher death rates over
a 30-year period than do
00:16:11.33\00:16:13.87
optimistic people. The
Mayo Clinic says optimism is
00:16:13.87\00:16:17.74
the belief that good things will
happen to you and that negative
00:16:17.74\00:16:20.74
events are temporary
setbacks to be overcome.
00:16:20.74\00:16:23.85
That's a lot like Romans
8:28, isn't it, which says that
00:16:23.85\00:16:27.02
"all things work together
for good to them that love God,
00:16:27.02\00:16:29.22
to them who are called
according to His purpose."
00:16:29.22\00:16:31.79
That's not to say everything
that happens is going to make
00:16:31.79\00:16:35.09
you happy. But faith
in God enables you to
00:16:35.09\00:16:37.49
believe that things are going
to work out okay in the end.
00:16:37.49\00:16:40.10
Why? Because God's in charge.
00:16:40.10\00:16:41.96
You can afford to look on
the bright side, because God is
00:16:41.96\00:16:44.40
ultimately going to
work things out okay.
00:16:44.40\00:16:47.07
And that kind of optimism
can lead to a very long life.
00:16:47.07\00:16:53.68
I'm John Bradshaw
for It Is Written.
00:16:53.68\00:16:55.38
Let's live today by every word.
00:16:55.38\00:16:57.75
JB: This is It Is Written.
I'm John Bradshaw, joined today
00:17:01.05\00:17:04.05
by Dr. Neil Nedley. Dr.
Nedley, we're talking about
00:17:04.05\00:17:07.26
emotional intelligence, how to
manage your emotions rather than
00:17:07.26\00:17:11.09
being governed by
your emotions. NN: Yes.
00:17:11.09\00:17:15.56
JB: We talked about
some fascinating things.
00:17:15.56\00:17:17.87
In just a second I want you to
tell me how to think straight.
00:17:17.87\00:17:20.67
NN: (laughs) Okay. JB:
But give me an example of
00:17:20.67\00:17:23.27
somebody who was confronted with
a negative situation, rather
00:17:23.27\00:17:26.27
than caving into the situation
and just bottoming out,
00:17:26.27\00:17:30.58
they approached it in a positive
light with good consequences.
00:17:30.58\00:17:36.32
NN: Well, a good ancient example
is actually Paul and Silas.
00:17:36.32\00:17:39.22
You know, they were taken
against their will, they were,
00:17:39.22\00:17:42.36
they had done nothing
wrong deserving of this.
00:17:42.36\00:17:44.53
They were beaten 39 times with a
cat-o-nine-tails, and then they
00:17:44.53\00:17:48.20
were put on an irregular dirt
floor, not a nice even floor,
00:17:48.20\00:17:53.80
their feet were
put up in stocks.
00:17:53.80\00:17:56.47
JB: Yeah, that's a bad scene.
NN: And you would think that
00:17:56.47\00:17:59.21
they would be crying
uncontrollably in prison,
00:17:59.21\00:18:02.18
and saying, "Why us, Lord?"
JB: And, in fact, they had
00:18:02.18\00:18:05.08
gone-- this was in Philippi,
and they had gone there,
00:18:05.08\00:18:07.35
I think it's Acts,
chapter 16-- they had gone there
00:18:07.35\00:18:10.09
to do God's work. NN: Yes.
00:18:10.09\00:18:11.75
JB: They followed God's leading
to this city to do this great
00:18:11.75\00:18:14.06
work for God, and all
they get for it is this!
00:18:14.06\00:18:17.23
NN: Exactly. JB: And how would--
00:18:17.23\00:18:18.63
how would you react? NN: Yeah.
00:18:18.63\00:18:20.60
JB: You know. NN:
Instead, they had happy
00:18:20.60\00:18:22.53
looks on their faces, and they
were singing praises to God.
00:18:22.53\00:18:26.87
And what that demonstrates is
that our thoughts have much more
00:18:26.87\00:18:31.91
to do about how we're
feeling than what is actually
00:18:31.91\00:18:36.44
happening in our
life. So what was happening
00:18:36.44\00:18:39.25
in their life, they
should be feeling terrible.
00:18:39.25\00:18:41.15
But their thoughts were
not pop psychology thoughts.
00:18:41.15\00:18:45.05
Pop psychology might
say, imagine you're on a beach
00:18:45.05\00:18:47.22
in Hawaii. That
would have worked for
00:18:47.22\00:18:49.22
no more than 1.2 seconds.
But they were thinking true
00:18:49.22\00:18:52.03
and accurate thoughts.
And those true and accurate
00:18:52.03\00:18:54.56
thoughts were so powerful that
even under the most torture-some
00:18:54.56\00:18:57.90
conditions they could have
a happy look on their face and
00:18:57.90\00:19:01.70
they could sing praises
to God. That's how powerful
00:19:01.70\00:19:04.44
the thoughts are.
JB: Isn't it true--
00:19:04.44\00:19:06.37
I've done this
in group sittings--
00:19:06.37\00:19:08.31
isn't it true that you
can choose to feel miserable
00:19:08.31\00:19:11.91
and very quickly
you're miserable.
00:19:11.91\00:19:14.28
NN: That's right. JB: If
you focus in on something
00:19:14.28\00:19:15.88
and you think of something
negative, very quickly.
00:19:15.88\00:19:17.75
At the same time, you can choose
to think positive thoughts,
00:19:17.75\00:19:21.99
and I mean productive,
not airy-fairy stuff.
00:19:21.99\00:19:24.73
NN: No, that's right.
They have to be accurate
00:19:24.73\00:19:26.63
thoughts, but they can
be on the positive side.
00:19:26.63\00:19:30.60
And what we have a tendency to
do is think of only one side of
00:19:30.60\00:19:35.10
the equation and not balance it
out with the whole better world
00:19:35.10\00:19:40.11
view that would
help our emotions.
00:19:40.11\00:19:41.81
JB: There's a lot of "poor
me," "I didn't deserve this,"
00:19:41.81\00:19:44.31
"Life is so unfair." And that
doesn't tend to make positive,
00:19:44.31\00:19:48.12
productive,
healthy people. NN: No.
00:19:48.12\00:19:50.12
And what we need to realize is,
if we live in this world we are
00:19:50.12\00:19:53.29
going to be treated
unfairly. JB: That's true.
00:19:53.29\00:19:55.29
NN: Sometimes
very significantly.
00:19:55.29\00:19:56.93
I mean, this is a world of
sin. To me, I get excited when
00:19:56.93\00:20:01.30
I actually am treated fairly,
because I expect that in this
00:20:01.30\00:20:05.43
world of sin we're just going
to be treated unfairly at times.
00:20:05.43\00:20:07.47
But how we deal with the
fact that we are being treated
00:20:07.47\00:20:10.51
unfairly has a lot to do
with our emotional intelligence.
00:20:10.51\00:20:13.68
JB: So how do we learn to
think straight, to think right,
00:20:13.68\00:20:15.64
to think
healthily? Because this here
00:20:15.64\00:20:19.25
is going to-- this
is life-changing stuff!
00:20:19.25\00:20:22.12
NN: Yes. JB: Walk
us through some of
00:20:22.12\00:20:23.85
these ways that we
can think straight.
00:20:23.85\00:20:27.49
That's my terminology.
NN: The first thing we need to
00:20:27.49\00:20:29.49
do is to analyze our thoughts.
So we're not going to be able
00:20:29.49\00:20:32.76
to think straight unless we
are able to actually analyze
00:20:32.76\00:20:37.03
the thoughts that we
have. JB: That sounds like
00:20:37.03\00:20:39.50
something only
someone with a Ph.D. could do.
00:20:39.50\00:20:41.67
NN: (laughs) Sometimes
the people who have the most
00:20:41.67\00:20:44.01
difficulty, I've
noticed, are really into the
00:20:44.01\00:20:47.31
National Football
League. So I'll give them
00:20:47.31\00:20:48.94
an example they can
understand. JB: All right.
00:20:48.94\00:20:51.08
NN: I'll say, listen to the
John Madden in your thoughts.
00:20:51.08\00:20:54.65
You know how there's a big,
you know, event that occurs,
00:20:54.65\00:20:57.85
you know, the big play.
And John Madden goes, and then
00:20:57.85\00:21:00.42
he explains and slows it
down and says, "Okay, now this
00:21:00.42\00:21:02.92
happened because of
this, and this happened
00:21:02.92\00:21:05.13
because of that,"
and so it's all laid out.
00:21:05.13\00:21:07.46
JB: All right. NN:
So when things happen,
00:21:07.46\00:21:09.23
listen to the John
Madden in your thoughts,
00:21:09.23\00:21:11.73
and analyze what happened.
JB: What really happened.
00:21:11.73\00:21:14.50
NN: Secondly, you have
to look for distortions
00:21:14.50\00:21:18.01
in your thoughts.
JB: What is a distortion
00:21:18.01\00:21:20.11
in your thoughts?
NN: Turns out there's
00:21:20.11\00:21:21.84
ten different ways
of distorted thinking.
00:21:21.84\00:21:24.65
And so all-or-nothing
thinking, for instance...
00:21:24.65\00:21:27.78
JB: What is that?
NN: ...most of the time
00:21:27.78\00:21:29.12
is distorted. An
example of that would be a
00:21:29.12\00:21:31.22
patient that I had who
came to me who was a successful
00:21:31.22\00:21:35.26
businessperson, but he ran for
Congress and he lost the race.
00:21:35.26\00:21:39.03
And he comes to me and he says,
00:21:39.03\00:21:40.83
"Dr. Nedley, I lost
the race for Congress.
00:21:40.83\00:21:43.30
I am a big zero."
That's all-or-nothing thinking.
00:21:43.30\00:21:46.84
Just because you lose a race
doesn't mean you're a big zero.
00:21:46.84\00:21:49.70
Just because you get a divorce
doesn't mean you're a big zero.
00:21:49.70\00:21:52.57
Just because you flunked a test
doesn't mean you're a big zero.
00:21:52.57\00:21:55.51
But that's where all-or-nothing
thinking leads to.
00:21:55.51\00:21:58.88
JB: Ah, okay. NN: And
it can happen the other
00:21:58.88\00:22:00.58
way around as well, where just
because I hit a home run that my
00:22:00.58\00:22:04.12
team won the World Series,
I'm the most valuable player and
00:22:04.12\00:22:07.49
there's nobody better than me.
That's actually a setup for an
00:22:07.49\00:22:10.93
emotional disaster as well.
And so both of them are actually
00:22:10.93\00:22:15.73
distorted thoughts that
are going to lead to problems.
00:22:15.73\00:22:18.10
JB: Okay. NN: And
then there's other
00:22:18.10\00:22:19.43
things, like a mental filter.
You know, an example of this is
00:22:19.43\00:22:22.27
someone who came to one
of our programs recently.
00:22:22.27\00:22:24.77
He says, "You
know, my life is just,
00:22:24.77\00:22:27.08
it's just terrible." And I said,
00:22:27.08\00:22:28.78
"Well, explain." He
says, "You know, my wife nags,
00:22:28.78\00:22:31.95
I've got bills piling
up, my boss yells at me
00:22:31.95\00:22:36.38
almost constantly. And
furthermore, I'm going bald,
00:22:36.38\00:22:41.72
and I'm short and
fat," and, you know, that was
00:22:41.72\00:22:44.69
his side of the
equation. As we continued the
00:22:44.69\00:22:47.23
conversation, I realized he had
a wife who was very attractive,
00:22:47.23\00:22:51.47
he actually had kids that he
had a good relationship with,
00:22:51.47\00:22:56.60
he actually enjoyed his church,
he had good friends, and even
00:22:56.60\00:23:00.18
though he was short and
fat, he could still walk
00:23:00.18\00:23:02.54
and feed himself. JB: So
how did he get this thing
00:23:02.54\00:23:05.25
so far out of whack, and
what could he do to adjust this?
00:23:05.25\00:23:07.95
This just takes looking
at this with new eyes, right?
00:23:07.95\00:23:11.09
NN: That's right. When
you have a mental filter,
00:23:11.09\00:23:13.25
you have to be intentional
and forceful for looking
00:23:13.25\00:23:16.73
for evidence that supports
a different way of thinking.
00:23:16.73\00:23:20.23
JB: Glass half
full, glass half empty.
00:23:20.23\00:23:22.63
NN: That's right.
JB: You can learn to look
00:23:22.63\00:23:23.77
on the positive side. NN: Yes.
00:23:23.77\00:23:25.27
JB: Wow. NN: And sometimes
00:23:25.27\00:23:26.74
it does take time.
It has to be intentional
00:23:26.74\00:23:28.40
and forceful. You know,
00:23:28.40\00:23:29.64
Joseph suffered from PTSD,
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.
00:23:29.64\00:23:33.81
He could smell the
smells of the pit, he could hear
00:23:33.81\00:23:37.38
the exact voices, he
knew what those brothers did.
00:23:37.38\00:23:40.05
When he was faced with
them, of having all of that poor
00:23:40.05\00:23:42.82
emotional reaction, he
refused to have a mental filter,
00:23:42.82\00:23:46.65
and he was an intentional
and forceful for searching
00:23:46.65\00:23:50.13
for a different way of
thinking about his brothers.
00:23:50.13\00:23:52.49
And it took him time, but
he found that different way
00:23:52.49\00:23:54.76
of thinking about his brothers,
and that's when he revealed
00:23:54.76\00:23:56.97
himself and that great
family moment occurred.
00:23:56.97\00:23:59.57
JB: What are some other
ways to learn to think--
00:23:59.57\00:24:02.47
to learn to think?
NN: Over-generalization
00:24:02.47\00:24:05.44
would be another one.
JB: They're all alike.
00:24:05.44\00:24:07.18
They all treat me bad. Is
that an over-generalization?
00:24:07.18\00:24:09.01
NN: That's an
over-generalization.
00:24:09.01\00:24:10.85
My roommate in college,
I remember he had his eye
00:24:10.85\00:24:13.35
on a girl for about six
months before he mustered up
00:24:13.35\00:24:15.58
enough courage to ask her out.
And when he comes back, and she
00:24:15.58\00:24:19.89
turned him down, you know,
he's ready to cry, and he says,
00:24:19.89\00:24:23.12
"Neil, I'm destined to
be lonely and miserable
00:24:23.12\00:24:26.06
the rest of my
life." JB: All right.
00:24:26.06\00:24:27.66
NN: And he
over-generalized two ways.
00:24:27.66\00:24:28.86
One way is because she turned
him down once, he knew she was
00:24:28.86\00:24:31.23
always going to turn him
down. Did he really know that
00:24:31.23\00:24:33.54
to be true? No.
00:24:33.54\00:24:34.70
Secondly, 100% of eligible women
had identical taste to hers,
00:24:34.70\00:24:38.57
and thus he would
be endlessly rejected.
00:24:38.57\00:24:40.48
JB: Uh-huh. NN:
And so people with
00:24:40.48\00:24:42.01
that cognitive distortion
have a fear of rejection,
00:24:42.01\00:24:44.41
fear of trying new things.
And it's actually the cognitive
00:24:44.41\00:24:47.42
distortion that can
affect even great people.
00:24:47.42\00:24:50.02
JB: Yeah, that is a
distortion, isn't it?
00:24:50.02\00:24:52.12
NN: When we have the ability
to generalize, which is high IQ,
00:24:52.12\00:24:55.56
we have a tendency
to over-generalize.
00:24:55.56\00:24:58.19
And over-generalization is going
to cause emotional problems.
00:24:58.19\00:25:02.10
JB: In Philippians chapter
2, verse 5, the Bible says,
00:25:02.10\00:25:05.27
"Let this mind be in you,
which was also in Christ Jesus."
00:25:05.27\00:25:11.31
Verse 13: "It is
God which worketh in you
00:25:11.31\00:25:14.48
both to will and to do of His
good pleasure." So is the key
00:25:14.48\00:25:17.55
here being connected to God
and remaining connected to God?
00:25:17.55\00:25:20.98
NN: The Bible says, "Be
transformed by the renewing
00:25:20.98\00:25:24.15
of your mind."
That means correcting
00:25:24.15\00:25:26.32
the distorted
thoughts. And David said to God,
00:25:26.32\00:25:29.42
"Search me, try
me, know my thoughts."
00:25:29.42\00:25:32.36
What he was saying is, see
if there's any distorted way.
00:25:32.36\00:25:34.83
I want to know about it. I
may not see the distortions,
00:25:34.83\00:25:37.30
but see if you can point out the
distorted ways, so that I can be
00:25:37.30\00:25:40.90
led to life everlasting.
And so it's not just knowing
00:25:40.90\00:25:45.77
the truth as far
as doctrinal teaching.
00:25:45.77\00:25:50.21
The psalmist also said,
well, who's going to dwell in my
00:25:50.21\00:25:52.61
tabernacle, thy holy hill,
those that walk uprightly and
00:25:52.61\00:25:56.42
state the truth to themselves.
Not just telling others
00:25:56.42\00:26:00.39
the truth, but
telling themselves the truth.
00:26:00.39\00:26:02.76
That is really those who
will be ultimately successful.
00:26:02.76\00:26:05.99
JB: The wonderful thing is, we
can, we can take responsibility,
00:26:05.99\00:26:12.00
implement some theoretically
simple steps and practices,
00:26:12.00\00:26:18.27
we can have new
minds. NN: Exactly.
00:26:18.27\00:26:20.88
JB: Think new thoughts, and
it can certainly be done as we
00:26:20.88\00:26:24.35
allow Christ into our minds.
We can start thinking His way
00:26:24.35\00:26:28.58
and be healthy emotionally.
NN: Bringing every thought to
00:26:28.58\00:26:31.55
the captivity of
Christ. JB: Amen.
00:26:31.55\00:26:33.92
Dr. Nedley,
thanks. NN: Thank you.
00:26:33.92\00:26:36.39
JB: What a blessing to know
that emotional intelligence is
00:26:36.39\00:26:38.76
something you can possess,
and when your mind is renewed,
00:26:38.76\00:26:42.23
your relationship with
God is going to be like
00:26:42.23\00:26:44.97
it's never been before.
00:26:44.97\00:26:47.94
JB: It's basic. While
most world religions are
00:26:50.91\00:26:53.98
built around the idea of earning
your way to a better future,
00:26:53.98\00:26:57.75
Christianity builds its hope
of forgiveness and eternal life
00:26:57.75\00:27:01.22
on a relationship.
It's kind of sad, then,
00:27:01.22\00:27:04.05
that we find
ourselves rushing through life,
00:27:04.05\00:27:05.79
checking the news or
social media while we're
00:27:05.79\00:27:08.06
inhaling our breakfast.
We often don't have time
00:27:08.06\00:27:10.23
for God. Doesn't
a relationship as
00:27:10.23\00:27:12.59
important as this
one deserve quality time?
00:27:12.59\00:27:16.83
That's what God longs for,
and He invites you to spend
00:27:16.83\00:27:20.00
meaningful,
life-changing time with Him.
00:27:20.00\00:27:23.44
To learn more, request our
free booklet, "Quality Time."
00:27:23.44\00:27:27.58
Just call 800-253-3000
and ask for your copy of
00:27:27.58\00:27:31.88
"Quality Time."
If the line's busy,
00:27:31.88\00:27:34.52
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Or you can write to
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It Is Written, P O Box 6,
Chattanooga, Tennessee 37401.
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We'll mail a free copy to
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Again, our toll-free number
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00:28:07.62\00:28:10.09
JB: Dr. Nedley, we've covered
some ground today, and I wish we
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could have
covered a whole lot more.
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What a magnificent
topic. Thank you very much
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for joining me
today. NN: Thank you.
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It's been great being
here. JB: I think we'll take the
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opportunity to pray
now. Join us, would you,
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as we pray
together? [gentle melody]
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Our Father in Heaven,
we can be transformed by
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the renewing of our mind.
By your grace we can bring into
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captivity every thought
to the obedience of Christ.
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And I ask you that you would
take possession of us to such an
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extent that our minds would
be one, the mind of the believer
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and the mind of the
great God of the universe.
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So sovereign Lord, I
pray, give us a new mind,
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let us think your way,
transform us emotionally,
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and grow us that we
can be one with you now,
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and for all eternity.
In Jesus' name we pray,
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Amen.
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[soft sustained strings]
JB: Thank you so much for
00:29:14.05\00:29:16.92
joining me today. I'm
looking forward to seeing
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you again next time.
Until then, please remember,
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It Is Written:
Man shall not live
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by bread alone,
but by every word
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that proceeds
from the mouth of God.
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[sweeling orchestral theme]
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