Welcome to Intimate
Clarity, I'm Jason Bradley
00:00:29.16\00:00:32.93
and here with me is
Jennifer Jill Schwarzer
00:00:32.96\00:00:35.43
and she is a licensed
professional counselor
00:00:35.46\00:00:37.50
and today we will be discussing
a very sensitive topic
00:00:37.53\00:00:40.87
but it's a
conversation we need to have.
00:00:40.90\00:00:43.44
You know Jen, how can a married
couple maximize their sexuality?
00:00:43.47\00:00:50.58
Their relationship.
Good question, good question
00:00:50.61\00:00:52.71
because we've been talking
about a lot of ways in which we
00:00:52.75\00:00:55.28
deviate from God's
original design. Um hum.
00:00:55.32\00:00:57.92
But let's talk about the design
and all of the good things
00:00:57.95\00:01:01.22
that God had in mind
in that original design.
00:01:01.26\00:01:03.43
We've said it a million
times and we'll say it again
00:01:03.46\00:01:05.56
that God designed
human sexualities such that
00:01:05.59\00:01:08.40
it should be
experienced in a marriage,
00:01:08.43\00:01:11.33
in a long term committed
relationship and ideally
00:01:11.37\00:01:14.27
there is one partner for life.
00:01:14.30\00:01:15.87
We don't always reach that
ideal, there is a route back
00:01:15.90\00:01:18.67
after we've
strayed from that ideal.
00:01:18.71\00:01:20.74
God is both the
Creator and a Redeemer.
00:01:20.78\00:01:22.44
But we want to look at the
ideal now and how well it works.
00:01:22.48\00:01:25.61
So God knew what He was doing
keeping sex within marriage
00:01:25.65\00:01:29.62
there is such
beautiful things that happen...
00:01:29.65\00:01:30.99
let me get into some of that.
00:01:31.02\00:01:32.35
Biology does...well let
me preface this by saying...
00:01:32.39\00:01:35.52
Biology does all it can to
make sure people stay faithful
00:01:35.56\00:01:40.00
within their marriage
00:01:40.03\00:01:41.36
So, here is one thing
that husband of pregnant wives
00:01:41.40\00:01:44.90
have an increase in vasopressin.
00:01:44.93\00:01:48.84
Vasopressin is called
the monogamy hormone because
00:01:48.87\00:01:51.17
it counters the
effect of testosterone.
00:01:51.21\00:01:53.27
Testosterone is what is
responsible for high sex drive
00:01:53.31\00:01:57.35
in males, they have
higher levels of testosterone
00:01:57.38\00:01:59.65
and increases their
likelihood of straying.
00:01:59.68\00:02:02.15
God puts vasopressin in their
body to lower the amount of
00:02:02.18\00:02:06.12
testosterone so that they
are more inclined to stay home.
00:02:06.15\00:02:09.02
Then men also gain what
they call empathy weight...
00:02:09.06\00:02:12.36
Increases their abdominal
girth just a little bit
00:02:12.39\00:02:15.96
when their wives are pregnant
I'm talking about and there's
00:02:16.00\00:02:19.53
inverse relationship between
abdominal girth and sex drive.
00:02:19.57\00:02:23.71
So in various ways, God is
basically lowering that man's
00:02:23.74\00:02:26.31
sex drive so he is
more likely to stay at home.
00:02:26.34\00:02:28.01
Wow! God has just tried to
orchestrate all the chemicals
00:02:28.04\00:02:30.81
to make that happen.
00:02:30.85\00:02:32.18
And see these things, you
have to recognize that we are...
00:02:32.21\00:02:38.02
The signature of God.
Yes! We have been created
00:02:38.05\00:02:40.59
by the Creator. That's right.
00:02:40.62\00:02:43.29
With very very
specific attunements and ways
00:02:43.32\00:02:48.50
in which we function that
are just according to His plan.
00:02:48.53\00:02:51.27
So the amount of Prolactin,
(that's another factor)
00:02:51.30\00:02:55.40
that is the chemical
that creates the (ah) effect,
00:02:55.44\00:02:59.27
sense of satisfaction is
400% greater within a committed
00:02:59.31\00:03:04.71
relationship, a bonded
relationship than it is
00:03:04.75\00:03:07.88
when people experience
sexual things outside of a
00:03:07.92\00:03:12.45
relationship. So bottom line,
high levels of all the chemicals
00:03:12.49\00:03:17.89
involved in lovemaking
create a neurological basis
00:03:17.93\00:03:23.57
for long term attachment.
00:03:23.60\00:03:25.27
So basically what
happens in marriages,
00:03:25.30\00:03:27.30
God takes this young
couple and their sex drive is
00:03:27.34\00:03:30.67
as high as it is ever going
to be and if they learn how to
00:03:30.71\00:03:34.28
engage in an
intimate relationship
00:03:34.31\00:03:37.85
that is satisfying to both of
them, it will literally change
00:03:37.88\00:03:41.95
their brain chemistries such
that they are more likely to be
00:03:41.98\00:03:45.12
satisfied with their
relationship long term.
00:03:45.15\00:03:47.16
In other words, God
creates long term attachment
00:03:47.19\00:03:51.29
through that early sexual
experience in a married couple.
00:03:51.33\00:03:55.36
Yeah! Isn't
that cool? Wow! Yeah!
00:03:55.40\00:03:57.43
So frequent satisfying intimacy
especially in the early stages
00:03:57.47\00:04:02.57
of marriage helps
in the bonding process
00:04:02.60\00:04:05.17
but I quickly add that
both partners need to experience
00:04:05.21\00:04:08.78
that level of satisfaction and
I'll try to make that clear why.
00:04:08.81\00:04:12.98
Let me get into some of
the differences between males
00:04:13.01\00:04:19.45
and females because sometimes
men enjoy the sexual intimacy
00:04:19.49\00:04:25.63
and women don't.
00:04:25.66\00:04:27.00
Not always and it can go the
other way but there's issues,
00:04:27.03\00:04:30.97
so let me just flesh this out.
00:04:31.00\00:04:32.70
Men's organs are outside
of their body, women's organs
00:04:32.73\00:04:36.74
are more inside of their body
so there is a little bit of less
00:04:36.77\00:04:39.67
direct access going on.
00:04:39.71\00:04:41.04
Men in addition, their sexuality
is accessed more directly
00:04:41.08\00:04:46.38
and visually
through concrete things.
00:04:46.41\00:04:49.08
Women's sexuality is accessed
more through the emotions,
00:04:49.12\00:04:53.79
so men are a little bit
less complicated than women are
00:04:53.82\00:04:57.59
sexually. Men have a
shorter response cycle,
00:04:57.63\00:05:00.90
they can get through the
whole sexual experience in
00:05:00.93\00:05:03.26
10 to 20 minutes.
Women it's going to be more
00:05:03.30\00:05:06.74
30 to 40 minutes. There's more
light on this in the scripture.
00:05:06.77\00:05:12.67
If you look at the verb
used to describe the way that
00:05:12.71\00:05:16.64
God made Adam, it's a different
verb than when He made Eve.
00:05:16.68\00:05:20.95
Okay, it's sculpted
Adam and architected Eve
00:05:20.98\00:05:24.35
so she's a
little more complicated.
00:05:24.39\00:05:26.72
You see in addition to
this that in the New Testament
00:05:26.76\00:05:29.26
what we are told in 1Peter 3:7,
live with your wives according
00:05:29.29\00:05:33.66
to knowledge.
00:05:33.70\00:05:35.03
Why your wives, why didn't
He say live with your husbands
00:05:35.06\00:05:38.17
according to knowledge?
00:05:38.20\00:05:39.53
Probably because that the women
is a little more complicated.
00:05:39.57\00:05:43.94
And it takes a little
more of a learning curve
00:05:43.97\00:05:47.11
in understanding a woman than
a man that are a little more
00:05:47.14\00:05:50.31
straight forward.
00:05:50.35\00:05:51.68
And also because women are
more intuitive and they are
00:05:51.71\00:05:53.35
going to kind of
figure out their mate,
00:05:53.38\00:05:55.08
and men aren't going
to be quite as intuitive
00:05:55.12\00:05:56.99
and they are going to
need a little more schooling,
00:05:57.02\00:05:58.75
apparently that is the case.
00:05:58.79\00:06:00.29
I really think that that
communication level is important
00:06:00.32\00:06:03.02
because if you
don't communicate,
00:06:03.06\00:06:06.70
then you leave
things for the imagination,
00:06:06.73\00:06:09.26
where... and it can
be misconstrued like...
00:06:09.30\00:06:11.60
You can be misinterpreting
your spouse all over the place.
00:06:11.63\00:06:14.54
Both sides. That's right
and it's very important to learn
00:06:14.70\00:06:17.71
to check in. Is this
what you are experiencing?
00:06:17.74\00:06:20.41
Is this what you mean by that?
00:06:20.44\00:06:22.44
Misinterpretation is a
big communication faux-pas
00:06:22.48\00:06:25.31
that causes a lot of
problems in relationships.
00:06:25.35\00:06:27.38
But it's interesting that
it says live with your wives
00:06:27.42\00:06:29.88
according to knowledge
and you think well how are you
00:06:29.92\00:06:31.85
supposed to learn?
00:06:31.89\00:06:33.22
Well you can learn from books,
you can learn from mentors,
00:06:33.25\00:06:35.89
you can watch programs,
but the best way to learn is
00:06:35.92\00:06:39.19
guess what? Ask your spouse.
00:06:39.23\00:06:41.63
Ask your spouse,
learn to tune in to that,
00:06:41.66\00:06:44.10
learn to check in with
that person, they're...
00:06:44.13\00:06:46.27
she is a walking text
book as to how women operate
00:06:46.30\00:06:51.17
and he is a walking text
book as to how men operate.
00:06:51.21\00:06:54.44
So it's essential that both
husband and wife communicate
00:06:54.48\00:06:57.11
and let's take it in to
the intimate department here,
00:06:57.15\00:07:01.08
it's essential that husband
and wife communicate about
00:07:01.12\00:07:04.19
what feels good, what works,
what makes the sexual experience
00:07:04.22\00:07:09.92
a pleasurable one for them.
00:07:09.96\00:07:11.39
A lot of time because men
have a little more direct access
00:07:11.43\00:07:17.57
to their sexuality, it
ends up being a scenario
00:07:17.60\00:07:20.84
where the wife doesn't really
enjoy the bedroom experience
00:07:20.87\00:07:24.41
and the man isn't
even really aware of that.
00:07:24.44\00:07:26.34
He needs to be more concerned
about her experience and
00:07:26.37\00:07:30.41
care about whether she
is being pleasured or not
00:07:30.45\00:07:32.48
and she needs to be
more assertive and tell him
00:07:32.51\00:07:35.08
what she needs.
00:07:35.12\00:07:36.45
Um hum. I'm just
being real honest here.
00:07:36.48\00:07:37.82
That's communication in every
aspect of the relationship.
00:07:37.85\00:07:40.89
Exactly and that includes the
bedroom and I believe that that
00:07:40.92\00:07:45.19
will provide some
longevity for the relationship
00:07:45.23\00:07:48.23
because as I mentioned before,
that early sexual experience
00:07:48.26\00:07:51.87
creates a disposition
for a long term bonding
00:07:51.90\00:07:55.80
in the marriage and 70% of
divorces are filed by women.
00:07:55.84\00:08:00.31
Seventy percent of divorces...
Seventy percent, so the majority
00:08:00.34\00:08:03.45
of divorces are filed by
women. Women are more demanding
00:08:03.48\00:08:07.25
when it comes to relationships.
00:08:07.28\00:08:08.65
Over all they are more
relationally than wired men are
00:08:08.68\00:08:11.52
they are like PhD's in
relationships in the home.
00:08:11.55\00:08:14.26
Men are more likely to be
satisfied with the relationship
00:08:14.29\00:08:17.46
as it is, they are not as
inclined to be dis-satisfied.
00:08:17.49\00:08:21.00
It's usually the wife that's
trying to drag the husband
00:08:21.03\00:08:24.27
to counseling, I say
that as a marriage counselor.
00:08:24.30\00:08:27.37
It's typical, I'm having trouble
in my marriage and I'd say,
00:08:27.40\00:08:31.07
can you bring him, and it
will be well, he doesn't want to
00:08:31.11\00:08:35.44
come. That
happens a lot of the time.
00:08:35.48\00:08:37.41
It's very very
consistent. Really...
00:08:37.45\00:08:40.62
Well you also see the fact
that a lot of men don't want to
00:08:40.65\00:08:44.02
stop and ask for directions.
That's right, that's right.
00:08:44.05\00:08:46.42
They don't want to ask for help,
they are just less inclined
00:08:46.45\00:08:48.66
and that's not an entirely
bad thing but if we will put
00:08:48.69\00:08:52.96
the investment into that
relationship early in the
00:08:52.99\00:08:55.93
relationship, we will create
a disposition for a long term
00:08:55.96\00:08:59.87
bonding. So what I am
saying is satisfy your wife
00:08:59.90\00:09:03.87
in the bedroom early on in
the relationship and you will
00:09:03.91\00:09:07.84
reap the benefits long term.
00:09:07.88\00:09:09.41
Um hum, um hum.
And she won't be...
00:09:09.44\00:09:11.25
I think there will be
brain changes that come about
00:09:11.28\00:09:13.31
that make her less likely
to file for divorce later.
00:09:13.35\00:09:15.68
It'll create a desire to
work through problems with you
00:09:15.72\00:09:19.69
and to stay connected
to you throughout life.
00:09:19.72\00:09:21.72
Well, they have a saying called
"Happy Wife equals Happy Life".
00:09:21.76\00:09:25.33
That's right. That's on
multiple accounts. That's right.
00:09:25.36\00:09:28.33
That's right. I heard
something from Richard Davidson
00:09:28.36\00:09:31.43
who is the...I don't know if
I should talk about this but,
00:09:31.47\00:09:34.50
Richard Davidson is
the Old Testament Chair
00:09:34.54\00:09:37.81
at Andrews University and
he knows the Old Testament
00:09:37.84\00:09:42.04
and he said that there was a
tradition among Jews anciently
00:09:42.08\00:09:46.35
where every Friday night they
were to go in and bring delight
00:09:46.38\00:09:50.19
to their wives.
00:09:50.22\00:09:51.55
It was a duty on the Jewish
husband to make their wife
00:09:51.59\00:09:55.09
happy in an
intimate context. Wow!
00:09:55.12\00:09:57.36
I think that
shows the heart of God.
00:09:57.39\00:09:59.96
He's not into this situation
where women are frustrated
00:10:00.00\00:10:04.63
and unsatisfied and
unhappy and just kind of bearing
00:10:04.67\00:10:07.80
with their marriage and trying
to keep their husbands happy
00:10:07.84\00:10:11.91
but he's not
doing the same for them.
00:10:11.94\00:10:13.78
I don't think
Gods made like that,
00:10:13.81\00:10:15.94
I think He's the one that said
live with your wives according
00:10:15.98\00:10:18.35
to knowledge and I think
part of that means knowledge
00:10:18.38\00:10:21.32
of their
sexuality. Um hum, um hum.
00:10:21.35\00:10:23.02
Just being honest. Yeah.
00:10:23.05\00:10:24.92
You are learning
a lot aren't you?
00:10:24.95\00:10:26.72
I'm sitting here absorbing
it for when I get married.
00:10:26.76\00:10:29.59
Cause you are going
to get married some day.
00:10:29.62\00:10:31.03
That's right, that's right.
00:10:31.06\00:10:32.39
So there are three
partnering systems:
00:10:32.43\00:10:34.60
"Lust, Romance and Attachment"
and those correlate with
00:10:34.63\00:10:41.34
hormones Dopamine and Oxytocin.
00:10:41.37\00:10:42.70
God wanted all three of
those systems to work together.
00:10:42.74\00:10:45.94
So sexual attraction but
also romance and a long term
00:10:45.97\00:10:51.45
attachment were meant
to work together in the
00:10:51.48\00:10:53.28
marriage relationship.
00:10:53.31\00:10:54.65
But the world has done
is it has separated out
00:10:54.68\00:10:56.22
those different systems
where you can have just a
00:10:56.25\00:10:58.29
sexual encounter,
there's just pure lust.
00:10:58.32\00:11:00.26
Yeah. Or you can just have
like romantic relationships
00:11:00.29\00:11:02.99
one after another.
00:11:03.02\00:11:04.36
The devil is always
trying to break those things up
00:11:04.39\00:11:06.70
but God wants all those
systems to work together.
00:11:06.73\00:11:09.13
Yeah, he always wants...the
devil always wants to divide
00:11:09.16\00:11:11.60
and conquer. That's
right, that's right.
00:11:11.63\00:11:13.34
So God gives us all threes
of these to create a brain
00:11:13.37\00:11:17.31
symphony that gives
pleasure, joy and ultimately
00:11:17.34\00:11:21.61
deep abiding love.
00:11:21.64\00:11:23.81
Umm! And I believe in it.
00:11:23.85\00:11:25.65
I've experienced it, I've
been married for nearly 40 years
00:11:25.68\00:11:29.35
Wow. There is no one I
am more comfortable around
00:11:29.38\00:11:32.72
and I'd rather just hang
out with than my husband.
00:11:32.75\00:11:35.19
In fact when we get back
from taping this program,
00:11:35.22\00:11:37.96
he wants to take a
trip... we live in Florida
00:11:37.99\00:11:41.00
and he wants to go south and
get a fishing boat and go out...
00:11:41.03\00:11:43.47
He doesn't eat the fish
usually, but he loves to fish.
00:11:43.50\00:11:47.34
A typical man. And we want
to go off of the Everglades
00:11:47.37\00:11:50.81
or whatever and he's so sweet,
he said, he said I'll put a
00:11:50.84\00:11:54.98
little tent in the boat because
he knows I don't like to get
00:11:55.01\00:11:57.15
too much sun and I'll
put a little tent in the boat
00:11:57.18\00:11:59.41
and you can have your computer
in there because he knows that
00:11:59.45\00:12:01.18
that's how I relax, is I write.
00:12:01.22\00:12:02.55
Well we're going
to go off together,
00:12:02.58\00:12:04.22
we are totally different
people, he's a gardener,
00:12:04.25\00:12:07.16
he grows all of this...I say
he grows things compulsively,
00:12:07.19\00:12:10.66
he's always planting
things and we're very different.
00:12:10.69\00:12:13.70
He's very introverted,
I'm very extroverted,
00:12:13.73\00:12:15.56
I'm out there doing
talks and television shows and
00:12:15.60\00:12:19.00
he's kind of a home body,
but you know we've been together
00:12:19.03\00:12:22.57
for nearly 40 years and
there's no one I would rather
00:12:22.60\00:12:24.77
hang out with than him.
00:12:24.81\00:12:26.14
Wow. So you have
a best friend and...
00:12:26.17\00:12:30.15
And some of that was created
because I followed some of the
00:12:30.18\00:12:34.12
advice, and we followed some
of the advice that I've given
00:12:34.15\00:12:36.65
in this segment...we followed
that in that relationship
00:12:36.69\00:12:40.16
and that has benefited us.
00:12:40.19\00:12:41.69
Which is awesome because you're
practicing what you preach.
00:12:41.72\00:12:44.33
It's you know, so called good
sex doesn't make a marriage,
00:12:44.36\00:12:48.83
but my contention is that it
can contribute to the happiness
00:12:48.86\00:12:52.23
of a married relationship.
00:12:52.27\00:12:54.07
What I like about what you
were saying just a minute ago
00:12:54.10\00:12:56.57
about with you and your
husband, him going fishing and
00:12:56.60\00:12:59.37
you doing the
computer thing... Yeah, yeah.
00:12:59.41\00:13:00.74
Is that you guys are
maintaining your individuality.
00:13:00.78\00:13:03.45
Oh, very much. So
that you are not just...
00:13:03.48\00:13:05.71
You know, you're still
your- selves but you guys
00:13:05.75\00:13:09.98
blend very well.
00:13:10.02\00:13:11.62
There's a symmetry in
any relationship between
00:13:11.65\00:13:13.89
individuality, you need
to retain your individuality
00:13:13.92\00:13:16.86
in a marriage but you also
need to also cultivate intimacy
00:13:16.89\00:13:19.29
and when intimacy is such
that it destroys individuality
00:13:19.33\00:13:22.46
you have a problem. Um hum.
00:13:22.50\00:13:23.83
But when individuality is
such that it destroys intimacy,
00:13:23.87\00:13:26.40
you have a problem so
you have to keep the tension.
00:13:26.43\00:13:28.20
So that balance. That's right.
00:13:28.24\00:13:30.21
That's right, that's right.
00:13:30.24\00:13:31.57
And we've really tried
to do that and I think...
00:13:31.61\00:13:33.74
I'm just getting personal here
I guess, but our relationship
00:13:33.78\00:13:37.41
is probably more extremely that
way than a lot of marriages.
00:13:37.45\00:13:40.48
We are very very different
people and humanly speaking
00:13:40.52\00:13:44.45
we are completely incompatible.
[Laughter] But God doesn't see
00:13:44.49\00:13:49.66
as man sees. He brought
us together when we were both
00:13:49.69\00:13:52.36
young Christians and we prayed
and counseled and tried to
00:13:52.39\00:13:56.03
follow God's will and we ended
up marrying and were just like
00:13:56.06\00:13:58.50
what in the world have
we... But the Lord has worked
00:13:58.53\00:14:01.90
and He's been able
to bond us together.
00:14:01.94\00:14:03.64
Well praise the
Lord for that. Yeah!
00:14:03.67\00:14:05.44
I'm looking forward to
the marriage experience.
00:14:05.47\00:14:08.48
That's right, yeah, I hope
you invite me to the wedding.
00:14:08.51\00:14:11.68
Well, we are out of time
Jen. If you want more resources,
00:14:11.71\00:14:16.38
go to
intimateclarity.tv. God Bless!
00:14:16.42\00:14:19.72