The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to sexuality.
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Parents are
cautioned this presentation
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may be too candid
for younger audiences.
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Welcome to Intimate Clarity.
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I'm Jason Bradley,
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and here with me is
Jennifer Jill Schwirzer.
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She is a licensed
professional counselor.
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And today we're going to be
discussing a sensitive topic,
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but it's a
conversation we need to have.
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Jen, what is so bad
about sex before marriage?
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Glad you asked it.
Really glad you asked it.
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Our first sexual
encounter formats us
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in terms of our
appetites and our attractions.
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So if our first encounter
is in a transient relationship
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which typically sex
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before marriage
tends to be casual,
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uncommitted
transient relationships
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that are based on emotion
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and out of the
thrill of the moment.
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If that's our first encounter,
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we're gonna have an attraction
to that and appetite for that.
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May be latent,
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maybe
overwritten by better things,
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but it will remain with
us throughout our lives.
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So then you end
up in a marriage,
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and you're in a
committed relationship,
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well, if your sexual
attraction is activated
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by a transient relationship,
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you're not going to
feel sexually attracted
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to a committed relationship,
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and then you
meet someone at work
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and you think
about having a fling
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and that's going to
light a fire under you.
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So we're doing
that to ourselves.
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We're molding ourselves
in those initial encounters.
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Sounds like a
bunch of confusion.
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We're confusing ourselves.
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And it's a scary
thought, isn't it?
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But let's just reverse that
and say that God designed us
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such that our first
sexual encounter takes place
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within in a
committed relationship,
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and it works on the positive
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because once you
have that sexual encounter
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in a committed relationship,
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that's what lights
you up, so to speak,
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sexually and it turns you on.
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And not just in a
committed relationship
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but within the
confines of the marriage.
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Absolutely,
absolutely, absolutely.
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Marriage, that's
right, that's right.
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Well, I'm
thinking as a scientist,
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it's hard to measure if
people are married or not,
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but yeah, you're
absolutely right.
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And we want to put
God's ideal out there.
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We believe in God's creatorship.
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We always put out God's design.
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But then we like to show
that there is a path back
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to that design
through His redemptive power.
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He's a Creator and a Redeemer.
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But God's design is monogamous,
committed marriage for life,
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that's his ideal.
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We want to leave
the ideal in place.
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So there are some statistics
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and it's amazing as you dig down
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into the science, it
often proves God's plan,
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sometimes in the negative,
but it proves that nonetheless.
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It shows consequences
when we stray from God's plan.
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Here's an example.
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One study showed the
divorce risk of women
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with no partners
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before marriage
hovered around 6%.
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One partner
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before marriage
raised it to 20%.
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And two partners
raised it to 30%.
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So the more
partners before marriage,
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the greater the
divorce risk of the woman.
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And unfortunately, I
don't have stats for men,
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although I'm sure it's similar.
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Yeah. Yeah. Does
that bother you at all?
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Those are huge numbers,
that climbs, yeah, yeah.
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But I want to bring out too
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that promiscuity is
not just a female problem.
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The same standard
applies to males and females.
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You know, God requires
the same thing of both.
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In fact, you see a
lot of pressure on men
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not to be virgins.
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There is a lot of
pressure from the world for men
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not to be virgins.
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And in fact, in the
media, you're a laughingstock
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if you're a
virgin past your teens.
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There's a film
called 40-Year-Old Virgin,
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and that's supposed to be
kind of a dig on that person.
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But I just think 40
over, that's awesome, you know?
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It shows a lot
of self-restraint.
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There's a cool
quotation from the book,
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"Patriarchs and Prophets,"
in the chapter about Samson
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because he had a little
bit of self control problems,
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you know, when it came
to sexuality if you recall.
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And it says, "A man's
strength is determined
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not by the
strength of his passions,
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but by the
strength of the passions
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that he controls."
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And that's why it's cool
to be a 40-year old virgin.
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It shows strength. Yeah.
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It shows restraint.
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Yeah, and guys
should want to be virgins
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until they get married.
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You know, how cool would it be
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to have only
been with one woman,
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you know, you and your wife,
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and her only with
one man, you know, you.
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We see that in the
story of Isaac and Rebecca.
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This is really cool.
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It's the most detailed
account of the courtship process
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of any patriarch
in the entire Bible
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is the marriage
of Isaac and Rebecca.
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You remember the story?
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Abraham sends his servant
to find a partner for his wife,
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and there's this whole story
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where the servant
goes to town square,
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and he prays,
and he's at the well,
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and he says, "Send me a woman
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who when I ask
her to give me water,"
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I think it was,
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"She offers to
water my camels as well."
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He opens his
eyes from the prayer
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and there's a
beautiful woman standing there,
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and she does exactly that
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and that turns
out to be Rebecca,
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and they are brought
together in marriage.
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Isaac was 40
years old at the time
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that he was married.
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And the self-restraint
that he exercised on himself
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to remain a virgin
through his sexual prime,
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I'm assuming he is a virgin
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because he was a follower of God
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and that was a big
deal in those days,
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so I don't think, you
know, kids messed around
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when they were part
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of that kind of
family, you know?
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Yeah, yeah.
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And so I'm assuming he
was a virgin, 40 years old,
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the same
self-restraint that he exercised
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when he was single, he
exercised in his marriage.
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It's the only
patriarchal marriage
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in which there was no polygamy.
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Wow.
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And it's like God is saying,
"Look, this is how you do it."
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This is how you stay
faithful to your spouse.
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In the US, the number of women
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who are virgins at marriage went
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from 21% in the 70s to 5% today.
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Don't mean to be
picking on women,
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but it's
typically, historically,
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been that there's been
a lot of cads out there,
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the boys, lot of bad boys,
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a lot of boys
willing to have sex
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but just a few
girls that were willing.
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But it's kind of changed now,
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and the
willingness is on both sides.
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Which seems, when you
really think about it,
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that seems like statistics
are skewed in the sense
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that these people have to
be having sex with somebody.
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Somebody.
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So you know,
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why aren't they
included in that statistic?
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You know, they're
willing participants.
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Then why? Where is that number?
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Well, more
importantly, why are we putting
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the same moral responsibility
on men that we put on women.
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You know, I had a friend
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that went to
church in a major city,
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and the girls, you
know, would get pregnant,
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and they were told,
"You can't come to church
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because they'd be seen
in front of the church,"
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everybody knew they were single,
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and that would create
an outcry and a scandal.
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The boys would come to church,
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the church would do
nothing to prevent the boy.
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So the girls would be punished
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for what they both did together.
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That's messed up
too. That isn't fair.
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Yeah, that's a double standard.
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They need to be in church,
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like, they need to
be hearing the word.
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Oh, definitely.
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You know, they
need to be getting
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to know Christ better.
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On multiple levels,
that was all around, yeah.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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But you know, I
think the attitude is that,
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you know, guys' sex
drives are so strong,
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we can't really
expect them to control women.
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We kind of do that
with, for instance,
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these type A personalities
that have these strong
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just general drives and
they end up the president.
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Yeah, that's really
lowering the standard.
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And then they
say, "Well, you know,
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he's just the kind
of guy, that, you know,
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he is just one of
those powerful men,
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he can have any woman he wants
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and you can't
expect him to be faithful."
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And I think you're
just really selling out
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when you do that.
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Yeah.
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So the million
dollar question is,
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"Can people recover
from sexual impurity?"
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And I just want to say a
resounding yes, they can.
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And in fact,
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there's an individual
at the center of the story
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of the gospel,
whom Jesus said of her,
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"Wherever this
gospel's preached,
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tell what she's done
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because she anointed
him with precious ointment
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and washed His
feet with her tears
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and dried them with her hair."
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And Jesus said,
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He wanted her story, what
she did, in memory of her,
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He said, so it wasn't
just about what she did,
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it was about her
as a person wanted
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that told all over the world.
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Wow.
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There would be a time
when every person in the world
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has heard the story of Jesus,
and every person in the world
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will also have heard
the story of Mary Magdalene.
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Yes.
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Jesus just wanted
the spotlight on her.
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And I think one of the
most important elements
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of her story is
that she recovered
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from sexual abuse, apparently,
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and then her own sinful response
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to that abuse was to
pursue a life of prostitution,
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deep, dark, sexual immorality.
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And Jesus was able to not
only to salvage her out of that
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but to use her as the,
she's the premier disciple,
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I mean, which
disciple did he say,
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you know, "Tell
what they've done."
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You know, Peter, he
said, "Flesh and blood,"
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that's like the only
compliment he gave to disciple,
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like, flesh and blood.
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He has not revealed this.
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Moments later, he is saying,
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"Get behind me,
Satan," you know?
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So Peter was kind of short lived
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but he said of Mary,
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this incredible
commendation on her as a person,
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and her journey, and
how she would come through,
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and was now really demonstrating
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the character of God in
her offering of ointment,
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showing what the
cross looked like,
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she poured
herself out for Jesus.
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And He said,
"Tell what she's done."
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She became the premier disciple.
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He put her on
display before the world.
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Wow.
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So God is not,
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He doesn't just like
kind of hide to the people
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that have made
mistakes, "Okay, I can fix this.
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But you know,
don't ever tell anyone."
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You know, He makes
a big deal out of it.
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He did it in the
case of Mary Magdalene.
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Yeah, I mean, and when you look
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at a lot of people in the Bible,
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you see they've
all fallen short.
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Moses, David, King Solomon,
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I mean, all of these
people have fallen short.
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Fallen short of
the glory of God.
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Yeah.
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And I think, it comes
down to the question of,
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"Do we believe in
radical transformation?"
00:10:00.70\00:10:03.97
We believe that
God has an ideal,
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and often, Christian circles
will really idealize God's plan
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for marriage.
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You know, stay clean,
stay pure until marriage.
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You know, preserve yourself,
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and we prize and
value virginity for males.
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And females.
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Females and males, I should say.
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And so that's really important
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and we need to keep
that ideal in place.
00:10:23.59\00:10:26.02
But we also, as
Christians believe
00:10:26.05\00:10:27.72
in radical change,
00:10:27.76\00:10:29.46
and when a person
strays from that ideal,
00:10:29.49\00:10:31.26
there is a route back,
00:10:31.29\00:10:33.50
and they don't have to feel like
00:10:33.53\00:10:35.13
they're damaged goods,
00:10:35.16\00:10:36.93
and will never
be able to function
00:10:36.97\00:10:38.53
as healthy godly human beings.
00:10:38.57\00:10:40.24
I deal with married couples,
00:10:40.27\00:10:41.94
young people in
premarital counseling,
00:10:41.97\00:10:44.41
and often times,
00:10:44.44\00:10:45.77
one has made more
mistakes than the other.
00:10:45.81\00:10:48.54
What do they do with that?
Well, I say, "You know what?
00:10:48.58\00:10:51.35
What really matters
00:10:51.38\00:10:52.71
is not the
mistakes they've made.
00:10:52.75\00:10:54.08
It's the depth of
their repentance."
00:10:54.12\00:10:55.88
And actually, in
speaking of the pure one,
00:10:55.92\00:10:59.05
if your repentance,
because we all need repentance,
00:10:59.09\00:11:02.19
if your repentance is less
deep then their repentance,
00:11:02.22\00:11:07.66
there are actually more likely
00:11:07.70\00:11:09.93
to be a faithful
partner than you,
00:11:09.96\00:11:12.70
even though they
have a worst track record.
00:11:12.73\00:11:14.90
That's the power of
repentance, and what God can do.
00:11:14.94\00:11:18.14
How does that Bible verse go?
00:11:18.17\00:11:20.34
"To him who's forgiven,
much shall much be granted."
00:11:20.38\00:11:24.71
Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
00:11:24.75\00:11:26.51
And it says,
"The goodness of God
00:11:26.55\00:11:28.08
leads us to repentance,
00:11:28.12\00:11:29.88
and that the
sorrow that is according
00:11:29.92\00:11:32.19
to the will of God
leads to repentance,"
00:11:32.22\00:11:34.29
not to be repented of,
00:11:34.32\00:11:37.29
but the sorrow of
the world leads to death.
00:11:37.33\00:11:39.93
So the core of
true biblical repentance
00:11:39.96\00:11:42.36
is that we see
00:11:42.40\00:11:44.53
really what our sin did
to other people and to God.
00:11:44.57\00:11:48.80
Because you think about Peter,
you know, Peter, all you could,
00:11:48.84\00:11:52.07
you know, Peter thought about
what his sin had done to Jesus,
00:11:52.11\00:11:55.71
but Judas thought about
00:11:55.74\00:11:57.25
what his sin
had done to himself.
00:11:57.28\00:11:59.11
And his remorse,
his sorrow for sin,
00:11:59.15\00:12:03.72
which was very real,
00:12:03.75\00:12:05.09
was totally self-centered,
and it led to death.
00:12:05.12\00:12:07.96
But Peter's
repentance led to salvation
00:12:07.99\00:12:11.16
from the very sin
00:12:11.19\00:12:12.53
that it brought the
repentance to begin with.
00:12:12.56\00:12:13.90
Wow.
00:12:13.93\00:12:15.26
And that's possible for people
00:12:15.30\00:12:16.63
who have strayed
from God's ideal.
00:12:16.67\00:12:18.40
God can break the spell
of that sin on your heart,
00:12:18.43\00:12:21.90
and you can be
radically transformed
00:12:21.94\00:12:24.27
and become a
steadfast follower of Jesus.
00:12:24.31\00:12:26.41
Peter went on to,
00:12:26.44\00:12:28.21
he had started
out the great denier,
00:12:28.24\00:12:30.71
and he became
the great proclaimer.
00:12:30.75\00:12:32.71
Amen.
00:12:32.75\00:12:34.08
And he himself was martyred
for preaching the gospel.
00:12:34.12\00:12:38.09
He said, "I don't even want
00:12:38.12\00:12:39.45
to be crucified the
way Jesus was crucified.
00:12:39.49\00:12:41.82
Hang me upside
down." Yeah, that's right.
00:12:41.86\00:12:43.73
But he himself was
martyred for proclaiming
00:12:43.76\00:12:46.93
the gospel rather
than denying the gospel.
00:12:46.96\00:12:49.36
He started out at
A, he ended up at Z.
00:12:49.40\00:12:51.90
You know, he went
00:12:51.93\00:12:53.27
through a
radical transformation.
00:12:53.30\00:12:54.64
And that's
possible for individuals
00:12:54.67\00:12:56.10
who found
themselves in deep sexual sin.
00:12:56.14\00:12:58.17
It's possible to
experience transformation.
00:12:58.21\00:13:00.51
And we encourage them
00:13:00.54\00:13:02.08
to pursue that course, don't we?
00:13:02.11\00:13:03.68
And God's longing
for them to come to Him,
00:13:03.71\00:13:06.25
anything that
they're going through,
00:13:06.28\00:13:08.02
take it to the Lord.
00:13:08.05\00:13:09.38
That's right.
00:13:09.42\00:13:10.75
You know, He wants to hear from.
00:13:10.79\00:13:12.12
He already knows anyway,
00:13:12.15\00:13:13.49
you know, but He wants
you to bring that to Him,
00:13:13.52\00:13:16.02
and ask Him for forgiveness.
00:13:16.06\00:13:17.79
You know, purity culture
00:13:17.83\00:13:19.16
was real big in
Christian circles,
00:13:19.19\00:13:21.93
especially couple
of decades back up to,
00:13:21.96\00:13:24.07
you know, recent times.
00:13:24.10\00:13:25.87
And I think it's still
active in certain circles.
00:13:25.90\00:13:28.67
But one of the
issues with purity culture
00:13:28.70\00:13:30.61
is there was so
much focus on the ideal
00:13:30.64\00:13:33.21
that there wasn't
sufficient emphasis
00:13:33.24\00:13:34.64
on how to get back from
straying from that ideal.
00:13:34.68\00:13:38.75
And so I think when
we approach this issue,
00:13:38.78\00:13:41.08
we need to do it
with both of those things
00:13:41.12\00:13:42.58
in mind constantly.
00:13:42.62\00:13:44.02
Yes. Yes. Yeah.
00:13:44.05\00:13:45.95
You know, I love the fact,
00:13:45.99\00:13:47.66
like we discussed
gaining the victory,
00:13:47.69\00:13:51.33
you know, because I
think that's so important.
00:13:51.36\00:13:53.43
You know, the Satan
wants you to believe, "Oh, no.
00:13:53.46\00:13:56.26
God doesn't love you.
00:13:56.30\00:13:57.63
You've gone too
far," or whatever.
00:13:57.67\00:13:59.00
But God want, He is
longing for His children,
00:13:59.03\00:14:02.40
you know, He wants
that relationship with you,
00:14:02.44\00:14:04.64
and He's faithful to
give us that picture.
00:14:04.67\00:14:06.01
That's right. Jen.
00:14:06.04\00:14:07.38
He is able to keep you
00:14:07.41\00:14:08.74
from falling and
make you faultless.
00:14:08.78\00:14:10.11
We're out of time. Yeah.
00:14:10.15\00:14:11.48
Before the
presence of His glory.
00:14:11.51\00:14:12.85
Absolutely.
00:14:12.88\00:14:14.22
Make sure you check out
00:14:14.25\00:14:15.58
intimateclarity.tv
for resources,
00:14:15.62\00:14:17.35
and we look forward
to seeing you next time.
00:14:17.39\00:14:19.39