The following program
discusses sensitive issues
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related to sexuality.
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Parents are cautioned
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this
presentation may be too candid
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for younger audiences.
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Welcome to Intimate Clarity.
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I'm Jason Bradley, and I'm here
with Jennifer Jill Schwirzer,
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and she is a licensed
professional counselor.
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And we have a very special topic
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that we're going
to discuss today,
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a popular topic,
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and it's a conversation
that we need to have.
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So, Jen, is there
an ideal foolproof plan
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in terms of
finding a life partner?
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Yeah, like a foolproof
formula, you follow these steps
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and you're going to
live happily ever after.
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Right? Yeah, absolutely.
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No, I don't think there is,
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and I think when we try
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to come up with
these foolproof plans,
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what it effectively does
is gets us to rely on the plan
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instead of
relying on God to lead us.
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And so it's a risky thing
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actually to have
too foolproof of a plan.
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But there are
some basic principles
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that we can employ
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in the process of
finding a life partner.
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Okay, okay. Yeah.
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And what might
some of those be or...?
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Yeah, good, I
want to unpack that
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but I want to
talk first of all about
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how God leads us
step-by-step in our lives
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to the place where we're
ready to find a life partner
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because actually
there's a whole kind of course
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throughout life in learning
how to love and be loved
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that God accomplishes with us.
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You're married, correct?
I'm married, that's correct.
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I have two children. Nice.
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And are you married?
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I'm not married,
I have a girlfriend.
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I want to get married
one day, that's the goal.
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All right, good.
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So you're really tuning
in on this one, that's good.
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That's good.
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So basically what God does
is that at every stage of life,
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He builds our brain
and builds our capacity
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to love and be loved.
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So it starts with
a mother, a child,
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or we call primary caregiver
and child relationship.
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And it's amazing as
you study neuroscience
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and developmental process,
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you see how
impacting that relationship
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between the mother and the child
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is in terms of
building in that child
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the capacity for
future relationships
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and for trust bonding.
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So mother plays
such an essential role
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as she cares for
that tiny infant.
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And I'm not saying
father isn't part of that
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but women are especially
set up physiologically
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and psychologically to be
able to nurture a tiny infant.
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Yeah, there's
definitely some things
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that we can't do that women...
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Yes, yes, yes.
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Yeah, exactly, exactly,
those nurturing impulses
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and we can feed the
baby from our own body
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and I've never known a
man that could do that.
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That's exactly what
I was talking about.
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Right, exactly.
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So then along comes dad,
and about three years old,
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the child starts to interact
with a dad more and more
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and the father
really stretches the child
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and increases
the child's capacity
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for risk-taking
and this type of thing.
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So he plays his
own special part.
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And then typically
in the lifetime line
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comes siblings,
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and siblings are the first
really horizontal relationship
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we have as human beings
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where we're
actually negotiating,
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and we're resolving conflict,
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and we're learning how to share.
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We learn a whole
new set of skills.
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And when you say
horizontal, you mean like equal?
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On an equal playing field?
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Exactly, we're on an equal plane
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pretty much with siblings
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although there's an
age difference usually
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but we're not like parent-child,
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like that kind of
authority configuration.
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Yes, yes.
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So we're learning
more horizontal skills
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and those skills we use
in the next relationship,
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which is friendship building.
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And that's the
first relationship
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that we develop
outside of our family.
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So it's the first
chosen relationship.
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And we've already
developed this whole skill set
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and now we're
using it on friends.
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And that kind of
relationship prepares us
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for the next relationship
which is a life partner.
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And I don't know if you realize
this yet being unmarried but,
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you know, I can say
this as a married person
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that what your life partner is,
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is basically a
friend on steroids.
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I mean, you've got that
romantic component for sure
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and they're part of your
family but you're also friends
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and most of the time
you're interacting as friends
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and negotiating
the way friends do.
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And so it's really
important to learn friendship
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because it maybe
you've experienced this
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if it's all about
the romantic attraction,
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it's going to burn
out sooner or later.
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Well, yeah, I
think that, you know,
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that friendship
element is extremely important
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because as you get married
and then years down the line,
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there's going to
be certain things
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that may fall off, like
in terms of that romance
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or in terms of, you know,
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what if somebody
gets into a car accident
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or something and you got
to be in love with that person
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and that
friendship is so important.
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That's right.
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And what happens
in the romantic phase
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of a relationship is
there's elevated dopamine,
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which is the
pleasure neurotransmitter,
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and actually lowered serotonin,
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which is the mood
elevating neurotransmitter,
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and there's higher
levels of adrenaline
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in the "in-love"
phase of a relationship.
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But there's no way
that you can neurologically
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sustain that "in-love" state
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for more than
like a year or two.
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Wow.
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Your brain just...
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It doesn't have
the capacity for it.
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So you're...
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Like kind of like
the honeymoon stage
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that people talk about.
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Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
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And you can retain
the early affections
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but what happens is
the feelings tend to lead
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and the behaviors
follow before marriage,
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but once you cross the
altar, sometime after that
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you're going to have to
start leading with the behaviors
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and the feelings will follow.
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So the feelings can stay alive,
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they don't have
to completely die
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but they're not going
to drive the thing forward
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like they do when you're
in the in-love phase, so...
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And even the Bible tells us
that we're not to operate off
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feelings per se
but off principle.
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Feelings matter, God cares
about our feelings, they count.
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Yes.
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But they're not going to
do a very good job of leading.
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Yeah.
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And especially when
you're talking about
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building strong relationships,
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there have to be
principles guiding that process.
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So I suggest that
because the stakes are so high
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in a married relationship
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and so many things can go wrong,
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that we choose very wisely.
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And so I suggest
three phases of searching
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for a life partner, in
choosing a life partner.
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Okay.
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This comes from
years of experience,
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and reading, and studying.
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For a long time the courtship
model was very popular.
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One of the struggles I
had with the courtship model,
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even though I
believed it was an improvement
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on secular dating
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where feelings
lead and passions lead,
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I think the
courtship was an improvement
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but one of the
issues with it was
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you went often straight
from like not interacting
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with the opposite
sex, hardly at all
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or at least not in
a very meaningful way,
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to being in a very
serious committed relationship,
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a courtship.
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And to me, that's
too big of a leap.
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So I've inserted a third step
which is really the first step,
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which is what I
call friendship dating.
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Okay.
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So what I mean
by friendship dating
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is getting to know a
wide variety of people
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on a friendship level
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and you can just
really be honest with them
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and say, "Hey, you
know, I'm just getting to know
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a wide variety of
people on a friendship level."
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Yeah, yeah.
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"Let's go for a
walk, or let's go over here
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and have a sandwich, or
let's go for a cup of tea,
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or something and let's
just kind of get to know
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each other a little bit."
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As long as you clarify
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that you don't have
any serious intentions
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for that relationship,
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I don't see what
great harm can come from it.
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Of course, you
have to be careful
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not to be wandering
off into dark places
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where you might be tempted
but, you know, why not have...
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You want to exercise care
about building relationships
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with the opposite
sex but why be so afraid
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that you don't end up
getting to know very many people
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and then end up grabbing
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for any
relationship you can find,
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which I've seen happen.
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Yes, yes.
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So basically you
want to lay the foundation
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at the beginning,
honesty is the best policy.
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That's right.
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And just let them know, "Look,
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I'm getting to know
people as a friend..."
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That's right.
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"And then see where
it goes from there."
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And as long as
you're clear about that,
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then you walk away
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and you still have a friendship,
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even if it didn't
lead anywhere else.
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Yes.
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So then the second phase
would be more serious dating
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or what we call courtship,
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where you're actually homing in
on one person and trying to see
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if that person might be
an appropriate life partner.
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And that's a very crucial
stage and I'm going to unpack it
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a little bit more later,
but thirdly is this, you know,
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the most serious
phase before a marriage
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and that's engagement.
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And engagement comes
when you've courted someone
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and you've decided
that this is the one
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you want to
spend your life with.
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So those are the three steps
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that I would break that down to.
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I would also encourage
you to ask three questions
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when you're starting to
get serious with someone.
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What are these three questions?
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And maybe even the
beginning stages of courtship,
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the three
questions are "Am I ready?
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Are they ready?
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And are we compatible?"
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Because two people can be ready,
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and yet they
can be incompatible.
00:09:08.71\00:09:10.28
Okay. So yeah.
00:09:10.31\00:09:12.55
So break each, break
each one of those steps down.
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So "am I ready, are they ready,"
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there's some deal-breakers.
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You're not ready if you have
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an active addiction to anything.
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Okay.
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You're not ready if you
have previous relationships
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that you don't have closure
on or previous relationships
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you haven't
really fully healed from.
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'Cause then there's a danger
that you're getting involved
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on the rebound.
00:09:35.14\00:09:36.47
Yeah, you're
bringing baggage into...
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Bringing baggage
with you, exactly.
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Yes, yes.
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You're not ready if you
have major financial problems
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that are unresolved.
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You're not ready
if you have no clue
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what you're going
to do with your life
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and how you're
going to make a living.
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There has to be
some kind of plan
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for that moving into...
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You don't have to
have all the money
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and all the
security, how can you?
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You're at the beginning
of the life, not at the end.
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But you need to at
least have it planned.
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Yes.
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So those are some
of the deal-breakers.
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Okay.
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For am I ready, are they ready.
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You should be a person
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of decent maturity
level for your age.
00:10:05.97\00:10:08.54
Now you can't
expect to be a saint
00:10:08.57\00:10:11.11
ready for translations,
00:10:11.14\00:10:12.87
you know, when
you're 25 years old
00:10:12.91\00:10:15.28
but you need to have
a decent maturity level
00:10:15.31\00:10:17.45
and have a track record
00:10:17.48\00:10:19.81
of being able to
have decent close,
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bonded
relationships because after all,
00:10:22.28\00:10:24.19
this is going to be the
most bonded relationship
00:10:24.22\00:10:25.92
of your life.
00:10:25.95\00:10:27.29
Yeah.
00:10:27.32\00:10:28.66
You're going to be
raising relationship
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to an art form in
this relationship.
00:10:30.06\00:10:32.23
You have to have
at least a history
00:10:32.26\00:10:33.86
that shows that
you're capable of that,
00:10:33.90\00:10:35.33
of resolving conflict,
00:10:35.36\00:10:37.30
of moving through
difficult passages,
00:10:37.33\00:10:39.00
having hard conversations
and this type of thing.
00:10:39.03\00:10:41.87
So you need to be a
decently mature person.
00:10:41.90\00:10:44.01
Then the
compatibility issue. Uh-huh.
00:10:44.04\00:10:46.54
That's a more
difficult one. Okay.
00:10:46.57\00:10:49.88
Compatibility and
sameness are not the same thing.
00:10:49.91\00:10:52.78
I suggest that compatibilities
in three basic areas,
00:10:52.81\00:10:57.19
values, gifts, and passions.
00:10:57.22\00:10:59.72
Okay, so values are the morals
00:10:59.75\00:11:02.89
and the
principles that I live by.
00:11:02.92\00:11:05.03
Okay.
00:11:05.06\00:11:06.39
If I believe in pouring my
life out at service for God
00:11:06.43\00:11:08.36
and this person that I'm
dating believes in stockpiling
00:11:08.40\00:11:12.23
as much money as you can
and that's what life is for,
00:11:12.27\00:11:15.17
there's no values
compatibility there.
00:11:15.20\00:11:17.17
It is an extreme situation.
00:11:17.21\00:11:18.54
Yeah, yeah. I'm
using it to illustrate.
00:11:18.57\00:11:20.51
And then gifts, you know,
00:11:20.54\00:11:21.88
I might be very,
very gifted musically.
00:11:21.91\00:11:24.41
I might have just a
wonderful music gift
00:11:24.45\00:11:25.85
and that might take me
all over the world performing.
00:11:25.88\00:11:28.55
If the person that I'm
with, doesn't like music,
00:11:28.58\00:11:32.49
and they really
don't want to travel
00:11:32.52\00:11:34.02
or have anything to do
with someone traveling,
00:11:34.06\00:11:35.82
that's going to be a problem.
00:11:35.86\00:11:37.19
Absolutely.
00:11:37.23\00:11:38.56
And then passions are the things
00:11:38.59\00:11:39.93
that really
light a fire under us,
00:11:39.96\00:11:41.30
things that we
feel strongly about,
00:11:41.33\00:11:43.06
things that we deeply love,
00:11:43.10\00:11:44.53
things that make us
feel good when we do them.
00:11:44.57\00:11:47.44
Maybe someone, I'll
use the same example,
00:11:47.47\00:11:49.64
has a passion for
serving in the mission field.
00:11:49.67\00:11:53.17
And maybe the
person that they're dating
00:11:53.21\00:11:55.84
or that they're
courting has a passion
00:11:55.88\00:11:58.15
for a perfect home decor.
00:11:58.18\00:11:59.51
Okay.
00:11:59.55\00:12:00.88
And loves to wear fine clothing,
00:12:00.92\00:12:02.38
people have a taste
00:12:02.42\00:12:03.75
and a talent for
that kind of thing
00:12:03.79\00:12:05.69
but they just
love to make their home
00:12:05.72\00:12:07.06
look beautiful
00:12:07.09\00:12:08.42
and they love to make themselves
00:12:08.46\00:12:09.79
look beautiful,
00:12:09.82\00:12:11.16
that's not going to fly
very well in the mission field
00:12:11.19\00:12:12.53
where you don't even have a
curling iron you can plug in.
00:12:12.56\00:12:14.80
Yeah, yeah.
00:12:14.83\00:12:16.67
So like...
00:12:16.70\00:12:18.03
Okay, so if
somebody's purpose...
00:12:18.07\00:12:21.20
It's like, okay, let's
say you've got person A here,
00:12:21.24\00:12:24.21
their purpose is
mission work or ministry.
00:12:24.24\00:12:28.64
And then you have person B
who is wanting to just get rich
00:12:28.68\00:12:31.75
and do whatever it
takes to get the money.
00:12:31.78\00:12:33.11
Yeah.
00:12:33.15\00:12:34.48
They're going to be...
00:12:34.52\00:12:35.85
There's no compatibility.
00:12:35.88\00:12:37.22
Yeah, they're
going to be incompatible.
00:12:37.25\00:12:38.59
And I suggest that
00:12:38.62\00:12:39.95
if you're really
wondering about compatibility
00:12:39.99\00:12:41.32
because
compatibility and sameness
00:12:41.36\00:12:42.69
are not the
same thing, you know.
00:12:42.72\00:12:44.06
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
00:12:44.09\00:12:45.43
You don't have to be
alike to be compatible.
00:12:45.46\00:12:46.80
In fact,
sometimes opposites attract
00:12:46.83\00:12:48.16
and work better together.
00:12:48.20\00:12:49.53
Yes.
00:12:49.56\00:12:50.90
One person's choleric,
one person's more phlegmatic,
00:12:50.93\00:12:52.53
very assertive, very laid-back,
00:12:52.57\00:12:54.34
they're probably
going to work together
00:12:54.37\00:12:56.07
better than two cholerics.
00:12:56.10\00:12:57.44
So it's not
necessarily sameness.
00:12:57.47\00:12:59.17
But I would suggest that
00:12:59.21\00:13:00.84
two things can
help you figure out
00:13:00.88\00:13:02.31
if you're compatible.
00:13:02.34\00:13:03.68
Okay.
00:13:03.71\00:13:05.05
Three things, the
hard work of thinking
00:13:05.08\00:13:06.41
through the issues.
00:13:06.45\00:13:07.78
I would say working
with a marriage counselor
00:13:07.82\00:13:09.75
or a pre-engagement counselor
is an important thing to do,
00:13:09.78\00:13:12.65
and I have a list of
questions I give my clients
00:13:12.69\00:13:14.96
that are just very detailed.
00:13:14.99\00:13:16.32
They ask about everything from
whether you believe in this,
00:13:16.36\00:13:19.63
to money, how you
manage money, in-laws issues,
00:13:19.66\00:13:22.60
all kinds of stuff.
00:13:22.63\00:13:24.37
And then I would suggest
that people do the hard work
00:13:24.40\00:13:27.37
of really getting
to know each other.
00:13:27.40\00:13:29.20
Yes.
00:13:29.24\00:13:30.57
That's really
essential to that process.
00:13:30.61\00:13:31.94
You know, it's
interesting, I read in a book,
00:13:31.97\00:13:33.61
basically like people
go to school for so long
00:13:33.64\00:13:37.21
to get that degree.
00:13:37.25\00:13:38.58
Yeah.
00:13:38.61\00:13:39.95
But how long do they put in
00:13:39.98\00:13:41.32
the work for a
relationship or marriage?
00:13:41.35\00:13:43.05
Building a relationship,
we think it comes naturally,
00:13:43.08\00:13:44.65
it doesn't.
00:13:44.69\00:13:46.02
It takes just as much
training, and schooling,
00:13:46.05\00:13:47.86
and hard critical
thing as the most, you know,
00:13:47.89\00:13:52.49
developed science
that we can possibly study.
00:13:52.53\00:13:54.93
Absolutely.
00:13:54.96\00:13:56.30
And we go into it
just kind of boneheaded.
00:13:56.33\00:13:58.23
And there are so
many different variables.
00:13:58.27\00:13:59.97
That's right. That's right.
00:14:00.00\00:14:01.34
So another factor
is attraction matters,
00:14:01.37\00:14:03.74
do you like this person,
00:14:03.77\00:14:05.11
do you enjoy being
around them, that matters too.
00:14:05.14\00:14:07.08
I don't want to leave that out.
00:14:07.11\00:14:08.44
Wow, there's so much.
00:14:08.48\00:14:10.11
Look, if people...
00:14:10.15\00:14:11.58
If you want to go
get more information,
00:14:11.61\00:14:13.85
make sure you go
to IntimateClarity.TV
00:14:13.88\00:14:16.85
for more information.
00:14:16.89\00:14:18.22
Join us next
time, we're out of time.
00:14:18.25\00:14:20.32
See you later.
00:14:20.36\00:14:21.69