The following program discusses sensitive issues 00:00:01.36\00:00:03.13 related to sexuality. 00:00:03.16\00:00:05.10 Parents are cautioned this presentation may be 00:00:05.13\00:00:07.94 too candid for younger audiences. 00:00:07.97\00:00:10.17 Welcome to Intimate Clarity. 00:00:30.99\00:00:32.33 I'm Jason Bradley, 00:00:32.36\00:00:33.70 and I'm here with Jennifer Jill Schwirzer. 00:00:33.73\00:00:35.36 She is a licensed professional counselor. 00:00:35.40\00:00:38.40 And today, we are going to talk about a sensitive topic, 00:00:38.43\00:00:40.84 but it's a conversation we need to have. 00:00:40.87\00:00:44.21 Jen, what is the modesty and does it help 00:00:44.24\00:00:47.54 promote a healthy sexuality or does it suppress it? 00:00:47.58\00:00:51.38 So modesty in the most broad sense of the term 00:00:51.41\00:00:54.18 is humility about yourself. 00:00:54.22\00:00:55.65 Okay. 00:00:55.68\00:00:57.02 But typically, when we say modesty, 00:00:57.05\00:00:58.39 we are thinking of clothing, 00:00:58.42\00:00:59.75 and typically, when we say modesty, 00:00:59.79\00:01:01.12 we're thinking of women's clothing. 00:01:01.16\00:01:02.49 Yes. 00:01:02.52\00:01:03.86 But there's other forms of modesty. 00:01:03.89\00:01:05.29 People can be modest about their wealth 00:01:05.33\00:01:07.13 and wear humble clothing, 00:01:07.16\00:01:08.50 drive humble cars, and so forth. 00:01:08.53\00:01:10.17 But because we are talking about sexuality, 00:01:10.20\00:01:11.83 let's focus in on what most people are thinking 00:01:11.87\00:01:13.80 when they say modesty and that is women's clothing. 00:01:13.84\00:01:15.64 Hmm. 00:01:15.67\00:01:17.01 And the trend we see in the world 00:01:17.04\00:01:18.37 where women are exposing more and more, 00:01:18.41\00:01:20.88 we have talked about the fact that Adam and Eve 00:01:20.91\00:01:24.68 had that naked and not ashamed experience before the fall, 00:01:24.71\00:01:28.35 and then as a result of the fall 00:01:28.38\00:01:30.15 felt the need to cover up, 00:01:30.19\00:01:31.52 we talked about body shaming and so forth. 00:01:31.55\00:01:34.22 And we talked about how when a man and a woman 00:01:34.26\00:01:37.33 in a married relationship experience intimacy, 00:01:37.36\00:01:40.80 they get to go back to that naked 00:01:40.83\00:01:42.90 and not ashamed experience. 00:01:42.93\00:01:45.03 And so my thinking is that what's going on spiritually 00:01:45.07\00:01:49.20 when a woman is in modest with her clothing in a way 00:01:49.24\00:01:52.24 that put's on display her sexuality, 00:01:52.27\00:01:55.41 in a way that distracts and draws attention to her, 00:01:55.44\00:01:58.88 I think there's probably a desire 00:01:58.91\00:02:01.92 for that naked and not ashamed experience, 00:02:01.95\00:02:04.29 but she is kind of taking a shortcut to try to get there, 00:02:04.32\00:02:07.46 so in a way it's a false intimacy, 00:02:07.49\00:02:09.62 it's an instant intimacy 00:02:09.66\00:02:11.79 where she gets that experience of feeling, 00:02:11.83\00:02:14.26 you know, exposed, not being ashamed, 00:02:14.30\00:02:17.47 but I don't think it really works for her and the long run, 00:02:17.50\00:02:20.37 yeah, yeah. 00:02:20.40\00:02:21.74 Yeah. 00:02:21.77\00:02:23.10 It's interesting, you know, like everything that God has 00:02:23.14\00:02:26.34 Satan has a counterfeit for it. 00:02:26.37\00:02:28.18 And so where we see the God promoting love, 00:02:28.21\00:02:31.91 you know, we see Satan promoting lust. 00:02:31.95\00:02:34.38 And so it's a constant battle. 00:02:34.42\00:02:37.55 But I just wonder, I think, it's very helpful for us 00:02:37.59\00:02:41.19 as people trying to reach people on the world 00:02:41.22\00:02:43.86 to look at what's going in their hearts 00:02:43.89\00:02:46.43 behind the things we do rather 00:02:46.46\00:02:47.90 than just condemning their actions. 00:02:47.93\00:02:49.56 And I really think that 00:02:49.60\00:02:50.93 there is a craving for intimacy in our world today 00:02:50.97\00:02:53.50 and a craving for love and affection, 00:02:53.54\00:02:55.17 but what we see is that 00:02:55.20\00:02:57.11 it's actually being driven out of the world. 00:02:57.14\00:02:59.27 So Jesus said 00:02:59.31\00:03:02.24 because iniquity shall increase men's love will wax cold, 00:03:02.28\00:03:07.72 and that's talking about natural affection 00:03:07.75\00:03:09.75 between human beings. 00:03:09.78\00:03:11.15 And then we see in... 00:03:11.19\00:03:12.69 That's Matthew 24:12 00:03:12.72\00:03:14.06 and when we see in 2 Timothy 3:3 00:03:14.09\00:03:16.76 that, "One of the signs of the end 00:03:16.79\00:03:19.29 is that people are without 'natural affection.'" 00:03:19.33\00:03:22.56 So we see as iniquity begins to abound, 00:03:22.60\00:03:25.63 people's ability to love one another 00:03:25.67\00:03:27.77 and experience that intimacy 00:03:27.80\00:03:29.97 is really being driven out of the human race, 00:03:30.01\00:03:32.97 and that's a tragic outcome of sin in our world today, 00:03:33.01\00:03:37.35 and so I think that a lot of what's going on with immodesty 00:03:37.38\00:03:40.42 and various forms of immorality as well 00:03:40.45\00:03:43.12 is just a desire for love, a desire for intimacy, 00:03:43.15\00:03:45.95 and we should treat it as such. 00:03:45.99\00:03:47.66 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 00:03:47.69\00:03:49.66 Again, it's God's perfect image being distorted. 00:03:49.69\00:03:52.53 Yeah. 00:03:52.56\00:03:53.90 And if you think about it, 00:03:53.93\00:03:55.26 intimacy is a really high risk venture, very, very high risk. 00:03:55.30\00:03:58.70 What we risk 00:03:58.73\00:04:00.07 when we try to form an intimate relationship of any kind, 00:04:00.10\00:04:02.84 and this isn't just a married relationship 00:04:02.87\00:04:04.54 but any kind of friendship, 00:04:04.57\00:04:06.21 where we were on an emotionally intimate level, 00:04:06.24\00:04:09.51 is we risk being rejected, 00:04:09.54\00:04:12.08 i.e. may be they won't love me... 00:04:12.11\00:04:14.45 So like a level of vulnerability. 00:04:14.48\00:04:15.92 That's right. Okay. 00:04:15.95\00:04:17.29 And we also risk wanting to reject them 00:04:17.32\00:04:19.79 if you get locked into a relationship, 00:04:19.82\00:04:21.32 what if you want to out, maybe I won't like them, 00:04:21.36\00:04:24.09 you know, so intimacy for both of those reasons 00:04:24.13\00:04:27.06 is a really high risk venture 00:04:27.10\00:04:29.53 and we'd rather take a shortcut, 00:04:29.56\00:04:32.23 we'd rather just get that instant gratification and feel, 00:04:32.27\00:04:35.14 you know, that sense of intimacy 00:04:35.17\00:04:36.50 without having to do the work 00:04:36.54\00:04:37.94 because really true intimacy is predicated on 00:04:37.97\00:04:41.98 sacrificing the lower for the higher, 00:04:42.01\00:04:44.98 the lower of human nature for the higher, 00:04:45.01\00:04:47.58 the self-centeredness of human nature 00:04:47.62\00:04:49.95 for the relationship itself. 00:04:49.98\00:04:53.39 And every single one of us in any kind of relationship, 00:04:53.42\00:04:56.32 especially a married relationship 00:04:56.36\00:04:57.79 but any kind of relationship, 00:04:57.83\00:04:59.69 if we are going to continue that relationship, 00:04:59.73\00:05:01.46 we are going to have to pass that threshold 00:05:01.50\00:05:04.00 where natural affection is no longer gratifying 00:05:04.03\00:05:07.67 because we have been confronted with our own selfishness. 00:05:07.70\00:05:11.51 And in order to stay in that relationship, 00:05:11.54\00:05:13.48 we have to cross that threshold, 00:05:13.51\00:05:15.44 and that requires sacrifice. 00:05:15.48\00:05:17.45 Yes. 00:05:17.48\00:05:18.81 It required sacrifice of God himself. 00:05:18.85\00:05:21.85 He came to earth and in... 00:05:21.88\00:05:23.22 And God is a perfect holy being, 00:05:23.25\00:05:25.75 but in order to love us, 00:05:25.79\00:05:27.59 he had to himself experience sacrifice. 00:05:27.62\00:05:29.99 So how much more those of us 00:05:30.03\00:05:31.36 that have a carnal selfish nature 00:05:31.39\00:05:34.06 need to experience sacrifice in order to love. 00:05:34.10\00:05:36.56 Yeah, and that dying to self process is an everyday thing, 00:05:36.60\00:05:41.47 you know, sanctification is the work of a lifetime. 00:05:41.50\00:05:43.61 So we have to constantly die to self. 00:05:43.64\00:05:46.21 Sacrifice the lower for the higher, that's right. 00:05:46.24\00:05:48.31 Absolutely. That's right. 00:05:48.34\00:05:49.88 So one of the factors as I see it in fear of intimacy 00:05:49.91\00:05:54.98 is what I would call covetousness 00:05:55.02\00:05:57.52 where I want what I don't have 00:05:57.55\00:06:00.69 and I don't want what I do have, 00:06:00.72\00:06:02.12 and I see this a lot with young people. 00:06:02.16\00:06:03.83 So okay, okay. 00:06:03.86\00:06:05.19 So this is kind of like the grass is greener 00:06:05.23\00:06:07.60 on the other side of the fence 00:06:07.63\00:06:09.30 That's right. Type of philosophy there. Okay. 00:06:09.33\00:06:11.40 I see that a lot with young people 00:06:11.43\00:06:12.77 that are trying to find a life partner, 00:06:12.80\00:06:14.80 and they are on dating and then 00:06:14.84\00:06:17.41 you know, someone may be is interested in them, 00:06:17.44\00:06:20.64 but as soon as they kind of get that person, 00:06:20.68\00:06:22.88 then suddenly they don't want that people anymore, 00:06:22.91\00:06:25.38 and that's based on a phenomenon 00:06:25.41\00:06:26.95 we call perceived value complex, 00:06:26.98\00:06:29.75 where an individual perceives that 00:06:29.78\00:06:31.72 which is not available to them as being more valuable, 00:06:31.75\00:06:35.22 and they perceive that which they possess 00:06:35.26\00:06:38.19 as being less valuable. 00:06:38.23\00:06:40.50 It's kind of like the "runaway bride" syndrome 00:06:40.53\00:06:42.40 where whenever you have commitment, 00:06:42.43\00:06:43.97 you know, you flee, you runaway. 00:06:44.00\00:06:46.60 So I think a lot of young people 00:06:46.63\00:06:49.14 that have come divorced homes 00:06:49.17\00:06:51.21 where they don't see model in their parent's 00:06:51.24\00:06:53.11 that intimacy and that commitment 00:06:53.14\00:06:54.84 really struggle with this 00:06:54.88\00:06:56.71 where commitment is terrifying to them 00:06:56.75\00:06:58.35 because they've never seen it acted out 00:06:58.38\00:07:00.35 in their parent's lives, 00:07:00.38\00:07:02.22 and so I want to say to them 00:07:02.25\00:07:03.99 that you can get past that threshold, 00:07:04.02\00:07:07.16 but you have to do it intentionally 00:07:07.19\00:07:08.56 'cause you're going to want to run, 00:07:08.59\00:07:10.23 you're going to want to run. 00:07:10.26\00:07:11.59 Yeah, to me, it seems like you would want to build something 00:07:11.63\00:07:15.36 with that special someone that's going to last, 00:07:15.40\00:07:18.07 like why do you want to try something new here 00:07:18.10\00:07:21.90 and new there and new there, and what's the... 00:07:21.94\00:07:23.77 I've seen it where people will be in a relationship 00:07:23.81\00:07:28.34 with someone where they actually have a shot 00:07:28.38\00:07:30.08 at building a relationship with them 00:07:30.11\00:07:32.58 and they will then really back out of that relationship 00:07:32.61\00:07:38.35 or panic and want to get out of that relationship 00:07:38.39\00:07:41.16 because suddenly they see, 00:07:41.19\00:07:42.89 in high relief, all the flaws of that person, 00:07:42.92\00:07:46.16 but then suddenly they are out of that relationship 00:07:46.19\00:07:48.96 where they are seeing someone from a distance 00:07:49.00\00:07:50.87 and all they can see is the good stuff, yeah. 00:07:50.90\00:07:54.54 And could it also be that like maybe sometimes 00:07:54.57\00:07:57.77 in the beginning of that relationship, 00:07:57.81\00:07:59.47 you know, when oxytocin and the dopamine 00:07:59.51\00:08:01.64 and all that stuff is being released, 00:08:01.68\00:08:03.28 like the honeymoon stage, 00:08:03.31\00:08:05.55 the individual ignored the warning signs... 00:08:05.58\00:08:08.58 That there was something wrong. 00:08:08.62\00:08:10.05 That were there, they ignored the red flags that were there 00:08:10.09\00:08:12.15 because of that initial release of those hormones, 00:08:12.19\00:08:16.19 and then a month, two months, two years later, 00:08:16.22\00:08:20.53 they are like, "Wait a minute." 00:08:20.56\00:08:21.90 Yeah, yeah, so you are in this relationship 00:08:21.93\00:08:24.33 and all of a sudden you are panicking because you... 00:08:24.37\00:08:26.53 And that's the nature of sexual attraction 00:08:26.57\00:08:29.10 is that it tends to blind you. 00:08:29.14\00:08:31.67 And that's another really good purpose for modesty is that 00:08:31.71\00:08:34.88 when you don't put on display those things 00:08:34.91\00:08:37.21 that would summon up those hormones in another person 00:08:37.25\00:08:40.52 or those physiologic reactions in another person 00:08:40.55\00:08:43.49 or those psychological reactions in another person, 00:08:43.52\00:08:46.76 you are giving them a chance of getting to know you 00:08:46.79\00:08:49.42 apart from that experience. 00:08:49.46\00:08:51.09 And a lot of times, 00:08:51.13\00:08:52.46 that can help stabilize people 00:08:52.49\00:08:53.83 and give them a shot at 00:08:53.86\00:08:55.33 building a more solid relationship. 00:08:55.36\00:08:57.87 So I am into modesty, I am into common sense modesty. 00:08:57.90\00:09:00.84 I've been through several different phases of my life, 00:09:00.87\00:09:04.57 you know, believing in modesty as different things. 00:09:04.61\00:09:07.34 I remember a phase when I was much more old-fashioned 00:09:07.38\00:09:10.88 in the way I dressed, should I say that. 00:09:10.91\00:09:12.58 I think modesty is wearing what is... 00:09:12.61\00:09:17.12 If we are talking about modesty as dress, 00:09:17.15\00:09:19.02 it's wearing what is the most conservative 00:09:19.05\00:09:22.29 but is also something that is accepted 00:09:22.32\00:09:25.39 and normal in that society provided that 00:09:25.43\00:09:28.03 that society has something reasonably modest 00:09:28.06\00:09:30.23 so they consider it normal. 00:09:30.27\00:09:32.13 Yeah, it's getting pretty crazy out there. 00:09:32.17\00:09:33.97 Pretty crazy words. Absolutely. 00:09:34.00\00:09:35.44 Yeah, I remember working for an academy 00:09:35.47\00:09:37.11 and the staff of the academy 00:09:37.14\00:09:38.47 just said, "We need to go to uniform 00:09:38.51\00:09:40.48 'cause kids can't find modest clothes anymore." 00:09:40.51\00:09:42.38 Yeah. 00:09:42.41\00:09:43.75 So we're getting to that point, but I still think that 00:09:43.78\00:09:45.95 there are decent clothes that you can wear 00:09:45.98\00:09:48.95 and you can get away with being modest 00:09:48.98\00:09:50.32 and still looking normal. 00:09:50.35\00:09:51.69 Absolutely. 00:09:51.72\00:09:53.05 You know, and as a guy, 00:09:53.09\00:09:54.42 you know, I think a woman looks beautiful 00:09:54.46\00:09:56.52 in modest attire as opposed to 00:09:56.56\00:09:59.26 I don't want to see everything, you know what I mean? 00:09:59.29\00:10:00.76 Putting everything on display. Yeah. 00:10:00.80\00:10:02.53 And the other thing is there is a double standard, 00:10:02.56\00:10:04.30 like if you think about evening wear, 00:10:04.33\00:10:06.40 evening wear for a man is a suit, 00:10:06.43\00:10:08.57 you are covered, you are, you know, modest, 00:10:08.60\00:10:11.41 and you are wearing flat shoes 00:10:11.44\00:10:12.84 so you can walk and you can function, 00:10:12.87\00:10:15.21 evening wear for women is really high heels 00:10:15.24\00:10:17.85 and all kind of hair and, you know, 00:10:17.88\00:10:20.98 plunging neckline a lot of times, skimpy attire, 00:10:21.02\00:10:24.85 various parts showing, much less physically 00:10:24.89\00:10:27.92 to say for that woman, much less warm for them, 00:10:27.96\00:10:30.89 you know, women can get a chill from, 00:10:30.93\00:10:33.66 you know, evening air and so forth, 00:10:33.70\00:10:35.46 but she is supposed to be, you know, pretty much unveiled, 00:10:35.50\00:10:38.90 and so it's really an unfair double standard 00:10:38.93\00:10:41.50 when it comes to modesty. 00:10:41.54\00:10:43.17 Men get away with modesty a lot easier than women do. 00:10:43.20\00:10:46.01 That is... You know? 00:10:46.04\00:10:47.48 I would agree with that. 00:10:47.51\00:10:48.84 You would have it a lot easier than we do. 00:10:48.88\00:10:50.78 It's just... It's really crazy. 00:10:50.81\00:10:52.68 But so, you know, modesty at its core 00:10:52.71\00:10:55.78 is being willing to present myself in a way that enables... 00:10:55.82\00:11:02.22 And I'm speaking of young women here, 00:11:02.26\00:11:03.76 that enables young men to get to know me 00:11:03.79\00:11:07.83 without having to struggle 00:11:07.86\00:11:09.56 with undue feelings of attraction or summoning up, 00:11:09.60\00:11:13.50 you know, physical reactions from that young man 00:11:13.54\00:11:16.24 and getting it to where they want to look me in the face 00:11:16.27\00:11:18.37 and get to know me as a person. 00:11:18.41\00:11:19.74 Yeah, not being someone's stumbling block. 00:11:19.77\00:11:22.14 Yeah. Yeah. 00:11:22.18\00:11:23.51 And we need to not monsterfy all men either 00:11:23.55\00:11:25.65 and assume that all they want is, 00:11:25.68\00:11:28.18 you know, sexual things. 00:11:28.22\00:11:29.55 Men are human beings, 00:11:29.58\00:11:30.92 they're made in the image of God, 00:11:30.95\00:11:32.29 and many men want to get to know a woman 00:11:32.32\00:11:34.46 on that very deep soul level 00:11:34.49\00:11:36.09 and really come to know them as a person 00:11:36.12\00:11:38.19 and don't want to be distracted 00:11:38.23\00:11:40.53 by invasive thoughts of sexual things. 00:11:40.56\00:11:42.86 Yeah, absolutely. 00:11:42.90\00:11:44.63 And I mean, when you look at it, 00:11:44.67\00:11:46.00 if you have a marriage that was predicated on sex, 00:11:46.03\00:11:50.17 then your marriage is most likely going to fail 00:11:50.21\00:11:53.14 because you're lacking that true relationship, 00:11:53.17\00:11:55.64 that friendship as we've talked about before, that best friend, 00:11:55.68\00:12:00.75 you need to have the best friend in your spouse. 00:12:00.78\00:12:02.98 That's right. 00:12:03.02\00:12:04.35 I've often wondered why God makes people 00:12:04.39\00:12:06.39 at the beginning of life so beautiful, 00:12:06.42\00:12:08.06 and then we tend to lose our looks as we get older... 00:12:08.09\00:12:10.43 I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings here 00:12:10.46\00:12:12.19 'cause I'm aging myself, 00:12:12.23\00:12:13.56 but, you know, we go through that prime 00:12:13.60\00:12:15.53 where we are just as beautiful as we will ever be, 00:12:15.56\00:12:17.63 and face it, you know, 00:12:17.67\00:12:19.63 there is a certain amount of attraction factor in that 00:12:19.67\00:12:22.40 and a man becomes interested in a woman 00:12:22.44\00:12:24.14 and a woman in a man, 00:12:24.17\00:12:25.64 it leads to some degree because of the way they look. 00:12:25.67\00:12:29.14 I would think it would be better to make them 00:12:29.18\00:12:31.35 as ugly as they will ever be during that phase 00:12:31.38\00:12:33.52 so that you get to know them as a person. 00:12:33.55\00:12:34.88 But God didn't do it that way, did He? 00:12:34.92\00:12:37.25 Yeah. 00:12:37.29\00:12:38.62 And so we have to kind of wrestle 00:12:38.65\00:12:39.99 with this powerful physical attraction 00:12:40.02\00:12:41.66 between males and females 00:12:41.69\00:12:44.13 and really navigate around it and make sure that we know 00:12:44.16\00:12:47.90 that we are in it for the right reasons as well. 00:12:47.93\00:12:50.27 Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah. 00:12:50.30\00:12:52.37 You should feel like your wife is, 00:12:52.40\00:12:54.64 you know, as a guy, as a man, you should feel like 00:12:54.67\00:12:57.04 your wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. 00:12:57.07\00:13:00.04 And, you know, there... At all stages. 00:13:00.08\00:13:01.84 Absolutely. 00:13:01.88\00:13:03.21 And what happens in the male brain regarding his wife 00:13:03.24\00:13:08.05 is there is a chemical reaction when they become intimate 00:13:08.08\00:13:11.65 where there is this huge amount of oxytocin 00:13:11.69\00:13:14.76 that floods the system, and what happens is 00:13:14.79\00:13:17.46 that leads to the man to sort of imprinting the wife, 00:13:17.49\00:13:21.60 you see like baby ducks imprinting after their mother, 00:13:21.63\00:13:25.03 there is an imprint that takes place there 00:13:25.07\00:13:27.20 where the woman becomes the man's standard of beauty 00:13:27.24\00:13:30.47 for the rest of his life if it's done right. 00:13:30.51\00:13:32.37 Wow. 00:13:32.41\00:13:33.74 And every woman will be less beautiful in his mind 00:13:33.78\00:13:37.65 than she is. 00:13:37.68\00:13:39.01 Yes, wow. That's amazing. 00:13:39.05\00:13:40.38 Yeah, it's powerful. Yes, it is. 00:13:40.42\00:13:42.12 And God wants to give men that gift. 00:13:42.15\00:13:43.99 And if they will be modest 00:13:44.02\00:13:45.65 and they will appreciate modesty, 00:13:45.69\00:13:47.72 and respect the boundaries that God puts 00:13:47.76\00:13:50.99 on premarital relationships, 00:13:51.03\00:13:53.16 then they will be set up to experience just that. 00:13:53.19\00:13:55.80 Absolutely. 00:13:55.83\00:13:57.17 Don't take your spouse for granted. 00:13:57.20\00:13:58.53 That's right. Love them while you have them. 00:13:58.57\00:14:00.70 That's right. Absolutely. 00:14:00.74\00:14:02.37 We've uncovered so much, 00:14:02.40\00:14:03.77 and it's time for us to go already. 00:14:03.81\00:14:07.08 Make sure that you check out our website IntimateClarity.TV 00:14:07.11\00:14:12.71 and make sure you join us next time 00:14:12.75\00:14:14.38 on another wonderful episode of Intimate Clarity 00:14:14.42\00:14:17.75 where we discuss intimate topics with biblical clarity. 00:14:17.79\00:14:21.22