Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Octavian Poenaru
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000474A
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00:01 Do you know what the top ten strengths
00:02 of a happy marriage are, 00:04 and how media is undermining those? 00:08 Join us today on Issues and Answers 00:11 as we address this topic. 00:44 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn, 00:45 and we're so glad that you're joining us once again 00:47 for Issues and Answers. 00:49 Today we're gonna be talking about media and the family, 00:54 and what it is doing to marriages 00:56 and to familial relations. 01:00 So let me introduce our special guest. 01:03 We have returning with us Pastor Octavian Poenaru. 01:06 You are the pastor for the Colville Washington 01:10 Seventh-day Adventist Church 01:11 and then your second church is where? 01:14 Ione. Ione. 01:15 Yes. Okay. 01:16 Oh, we're so glad that you can return and discuss this. 01:20 Let me ask you a question. Sure. 01:22 How did you get into, 01:23 I mean you, I know you are a busy pastor, 01:25 but I know that you've done a lot of research on media 01:28 and that you actually go out 01:29 and speak at other churches from time to time, 01:32 doing seminars on this very topic. 01:34 Sometime. 01:35 What was, what drew your interest to this? 01:39 Well, it's a progression, 01:41 and probably the first things is that in my youth, 01:45 my dream was to study electronics, 01:48 then I was studying electronics. 01:50 My first training was in electronics then, 01:54 I had the passion 01:55 for the electric and electronic field 01:56 then and it's easy, 01:59 you know, in many ways I'm familiar with media 02:02 and my way of thinking is very pragmatic, 02:06 then I'm looking even in theology, 02:08 in theology even though I enjoy definitely the Bible 02:12 and the profound thinking and philosophy, 02:14 but I'm much drawn 02:15 to the practical aspects of Christianity 02:19 than probably I was always like this, 02:23 then one of the first classes 02:26 I took when I took my master in Public Health 02:30 at Loma Linda was Adolescence Health. 02:33 And I remember we studied with a professor 02:37 we discussed a lot about at that time 02:41 about the influence of media 02:44 in the family life and the youth life, 02:47 and then when I got my demean at Andrews, 02:51 we got into family life. 02:53 And you look at different angles, 02:54 then it was the combination I would say over the years 02:57 that drew my attention to this area, 03:00 plus that I think you can't escape 03:03 the reality around you if... 03:06 Wherever you go, you see people with electronic devices, 03:09 everywhere, and it takes most of the time 03:13 to basically a lot of us. 03:15 Yes, amen. 03:16 And you know there is something 03:18 that it has become so prevalent. 03:19 I was in the doctor's office here today 03:20 and it doesn't matter if somebody's in there 03:22 on medicate or if they're, 03:24 you know, what your economic status is, 03:28 they still have their smart phones and everybody 03:31 is on there playing games or they're doing something, 03:33 nobody is talking to anybody more it seems. 03:36 So how does media, we spoke last time about 03:40 how media is effecting the spiritual life, 03:44 how is media effecting the family life? 03:47 I'd like to read a favorite Bible passage 03:51 which actually had a great impact on my life 03:54 and it's in Joshua 24:15. 03:57 Those who read their Bible may be familiar 03:59 with this passage. 04:00 And it says, 04:02 "And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, 04:06 choose for yourself this day whom you will serve, 04:09 whether the gods which your fathers served 04:12 that were on the other side of the river, 04:14 or the gods of the Amorites, in whole land you dwell. 04:18 But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." 04:23 Joshua made this profound and fundamental statement. 04:29 I don't know about you, 04:30 you can choose these gods or the other gods 04:32 because there are many gods in the land of Canaan, 04:36 but Joshua says, 04:37 for me and my house which was to serve the Lord. 04:40 I think media has, 04:43 has changed dramatically the life, 04:47 the family life today. 04:52 And before actually diving in the subject, 04:55 I'd like to read a statement 04:58 which was made by Susan Greenfield, 05:01 she is a scientist, an English scientist 05:03 and she spoke a few times 05:04 in front of the English parliament, 05:07 and she says this, 05:10 "One of the most exciting concepts in neuroscience 05:13 is that all experience, 05:16 every single moment 05:18 leaves its mark almost literally on your brain. 05:23 It is this evolving personalization of the brain 05:26 that we could view as the mind. 05:31 And it is this mind that could therefore be radically changed 05:35 by prolonged exposure to a new 05:38 and unprecedented type of ongoing environment, 05:41 that of the screen." 05:43 That's Hansard. 05:45 I read this passage a few times, 05:47 basically what she says is, 05:49 you watch whatever you watch 05:52 and what you put in front of your eyes, 05:55 it actually changes who we are, who you are fundamentally. 06:00 And it follows the principle of 2 Corinthians 3:18 06:04 that we become what we behold, but it also when you said that, 06:08 I was thinking that Paul said, 06:09 let this mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus. 06:13 So here media is changing us so much, 06:16 changing the way we think, 06:18 but one of the biggest problem it seems 06:21 is that it's the breakdown of communication 06:23 between the people 06:24 because everyone is so involved in media. 06:28 When it comes to family, 06:30 I'll divide the topic into one is that relationship, 06:32 the marital relationship, husband and wives, 06:34 and then as we as the family parents and children. 06:37 And probably the first concern, I have two major concerns 06:40 probably the first concern 06:41 is that it breaks the communication 06:43 between the husbands and wives. 06:45 Obviously we all enjoy, 06:46 I enjoy having a an iPhone and talking to my wife 06:50 and you see each other face to face 06:51 and keep in touch of messaging 06:54 and it's great, wonderful. 06:56 But at one point, I think with, 06:59 with the large segment of population 07:02 it goes on the other way. 07:04 And I read this funny, funny joke, 07:08 it's called Electricity Outage. 07:11 And it says, "I had an outage at my place this morning 07:14 and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, 07:15 iPad and my new sound system won't work. 07:19 Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat 07:22 and to top it off it was raining outside, 07:26 so I couldn't play golf. 07:28 I went into the kitchen to make coffee 07:30 and then I remembered that this also needs power, 07:33 so I talked to my wife for a few hours. 07:37 She seems like a nice person." 07:40 That's a great one. Yeah. Yes. 07:42 Actually they did a national survey on 21, 07:48 more than 21,000 couples. 07:52 The purpose of this survey was to see 07:54 what are the key elements of happy families. 07:59 They came up with about 5,000 happy couples 08:04 and they looked into what were 08:07 the characteristics of these happy families. 08:09 And the number one, 08:11 the number one quality of these happy families 08:14 was the ability to communicate to each other. 08:16 Amen. Quality time spend together. 08:20 Having this very unique time 08:23 to speak to your husband or to your wife, 08:26 otherwise I believe the natural process happen 08:30 and that is of going further and further away. 08:33 Busy with jobs, business, going here and there. 08:37 I think that today society, 08:40 the way it's structured doesn't bring us closer 08:42 but pulls us away. 08:44 That means that they have to be very intentional 08:46 about keeping my relationship with my wife, with my friend. 08:51 And as it's in the spiritual life, 08:55 if there is no prayer, 08:57 there is no relationship with God. 08:59 If there is no communication with your spouse, 09:03 I doubt that there is a quality relationship 09:05 in that marriage. 09:06 A friend told me once, 09:08 her husband came in from work 09:09 to went straight to the television, 09:11 didn't talk to her and she said, 09:13 "I've never been more lonely than when he's in the room." 09:15 Yeah. Yeah. 09:16 And then another friend is having problems right now, 09:19 his wife is constantly on Facebook, 09:23 so there is no talk time 09:24 and you're seeing just between the television and the iPhone 09:29 and the Facebook, 09:30 I see two marriages that are being destroyed, 09:32 they're on the rocks. 09:34 Yeah. 09:35 The second concern I will have is the fact 09:37 that media makes us believe 09:42 that there is this idealistic marriage 09:45 and you have this unrealistic view 09:49 on how the way marriage should like, 09:51 or how my wife should be, or how your husband should be, 09:55 I call it forever young and forever in love. 09:58 You know, in the movies and this is, 10:00 you have this very romantic portrayal of relationships 10:07 which are not really realistic. 10:09 If you have a real life, 10:11 you have to wake up in the morning to work, 10:12 if you're a mother, have children, 10:14 have washes to... 10:16 Have dishes to wash and plenty of responsibilities. 10:20 You are not that romantic guy or that romantic lady. 10:23 I mean there is definitely place 10:25 for romance in marriage and don't misunderstand me. 10:28 But I think what you see in the movies 10:31 is not, is not real. 10:33 And we tend to believe well, my life should be like that. 10:36 Well, it shouldn't. 10:39 And as I'm saying, I think, 10:45 these virtual relationships 10:47 we have with other people on Facebook, 10:48 on social media also create this... 10:55 idealistic relationships or views 10:57 on how relationship should look like. 11:00 I remember reading one day on PBS 11:03 the comment done by one of the producers 11:07 Therese Borchard, and she asks the question, 11:11 does the internet promote or damage marital relationship? 11:14 And she says, 11:16 "Although the internet and social media 11:18 can foster intimacy in a marriage, 11:20 it seems to do more harm than good. 11:23 Of all the comments I've read, 11:25 90 percent of the opposite-sex relationships 11:27 that were damaging 11:29 to the marriage happened online." 11:32 And she... 11:33 Again this is one of Satan's subtleties, don't you think? 11:35 It's just like, he offers this temptation 11:39 and it doesn't seem all that bad 11:42 when people first connect with old friends 11:45 from high school or something, 11:47 and then suddenly 11:49 just because they're communicating and some often 11:51 and a little secrecy it becomes like a little real 11:55 and then they go over the line 11:57 and they're actually having emotional affairs, 11:59 if not leading to physical affairs. 12:02 Well, it happens, it happens in my periods, 12:04 in one of my districts that I had this couple, 12:07 I knew them well. 12:08 They both came from a very rough background, 12:10 but they were now committed Christian both of them, 12:13 Christians both of them. 12:14 And it happened that a husband had to go, it was winter time, 12:17 didn't find work in the place where he lived, 12:19 and he had to go work somewhere else. 12:21 Well, his wife was home, staying home, not much to do. 12:26 And somehow, I don't know exactly how did that happened, 12:28 she connected with someone, guess how? 12:30 Facebook. 12:32 Internet, chat room or some kind of communication. 12:37 I remember that... 12:40 I think the husband came and talk to me about this, 12:42 and I talked to this lady and I said, 12:44 "Well, maybe, maybe this is not healthy." 12:49 And she said, "Oh, I'm just teaching him 12:51 guitar lessons online." 12:55 I said, "It doesn't look too good to me." 12:58 And I said, "Just be aware." 12:59 And she says, "Oh, I know, I know, I know what I'm doing." 13:01 Well, the sad story is that marriage broke apart 13:05 because she developed a relationship with this guy, 13:07 and she began to send him pictures of herself and so. 13:10 You understand where she goes 13:12 and the marriage was completely destroyed. 13:16 And I remember the man coming to my home one morning 13:18 at 7 o'clock and this was a rough guy. 13:21 Big strong guy, but he came to our door, 13:24 rang my bell at 7 o'clock in the morning. 13:26 I invited him, we had breakfast together and we talk. 13:29 And then I said, "Is there anything I can do for you." 13:31 And he said, "Kill the internet." 13:34 That's what he said, I remember him saying that. 13:37 And I think this might not be... 13:41 I don't have percentages to justify what I'm saying, 13:44 but my concern is that media instead of bringing us closer 13:49 in many circumstances actually breaks the relationship 13:53 as far as the marital relationship. 13:55 But there are big concerns when it comes to children. 13:58 And I have a statistic done by Dr. Norman Herr. 14:03 He is a professor of Science Education 14:05 at California State University, 14:07 and he gives us a few statistics 14:09 which really, really amazed me. 14:11 He says this, 14:13 "Number of minutes per week that parents spend 14:14 in meaningful conversation with their children, 3.5." 14:18 That blows my mind. 14:20 That what he says, 14:21 "Number of minutes per week 14:22 that the average child watches television, 1,680." 14:27 So that means, can I just say something real quickly. 14:29 Sure, yes. 14:30 That means that the... 14:34 The influence that Hollywood is having over children 14:38 is what 500 and somewhat times 14:42 the influence that parents are having. 14:44 If they're listening, 14:45 if children are listening 1680 hours a week, 14:48 and only 3 or a 1680 minutes a week to TV 14:53 and 3.5 to their parents, that's amazing. 14:55 And I don't know where he has this statistic, 14:57 but I think that what he means by that 14:59 is meaningful conversation. 15:01 Meaningful conversation doesn't mean, 15:02 oh, have you done your homework, 15:03 have you done this, how was this? 15:05 It means meaningful, truly meaningful conversations. 15:07 Then he continues, 15:09 "The percentage of day care centers 15:11 that use TV during a typical day, 70 percent." 15:13 It means our kids, even in the day care center, 15:16 there a lot are exposed to media. 15:19 "Hours per year 15:20 that the average American school youth 15:22 spends in school is 900 hours in school. 15:25 Hours per year the average American youth 15:29 watches television is 1500." 15:34 Yeah, so nearly twice as much 15:36 compared to what they're being educated in school, 15:40 nearly twice as much they're getting their mind. 15:42 The plasticity of the mind is being shaped 15:45 by what they're watching on television. 15:47 That's amazing. 15:49 And I'm going to make probably very strong statement 15:51 here in today. 15:53 I cannot understand the parents, I cannot. 15:56 They're putting their in the hands 15:57 of the their little children the very powerful devices 16:01 like a phone or an iPad, I cannot understand that. 16:04 Without, it seems to me, without any kind of monitoring, 16:08 we are very careful with medicine, we put labels, 16:13 the safety caps, and we're very careful 16:15 that kids don't have access to medication. 16:20 But when it comes to what they feed their mind with. 16:24 When I think a lot of parents are careless. 16:28 When you give a knife or a smart phone to a child 16:33 with unrestricted access to data, 16:37 meaning movies or internet sites or games, 16:43 in my opinion the parent takes a huge, huge, huge risk, 16:48 and I cannot understand why would they do that. 16:52 I would call that child abuse. 16:55 When you give to your child or to someone 16:58 at a very early age and even to the... 17:03 It's hard for me to say, well, this is the age you should give 17:07 or you shouldn't give, I don't dare to say that. 17:11 But I think the parents take a huge risk 17:13 when they give to their children 17:14 these very powerful devices. 17:17 I saw children... 17:19 I remember one day I saw a girl, 17:22 she was there on a bench with a phone, 17:28 let's see, less than a foot from her eyes, 17:33 I mean her foot may be intently watching something. 17:37 She was just watching. 17:38 She was completely absorbed by what she was watching. 17:42 I passed by her and when she saw me 17:45 she kind of, was kind of, 17:47 I don't know she had a feeling of guilt 17:49 because she will take it. 17:50 I was just passing by 17:52 and she will hide it kind of then she would back, 17:54 go back and watch it again very intently. 17:59 And she was, she was in another world. 18:04 And then I was, I just wanted to do an experiment, I said, 18:07 "Well, how are you doing?' 18:09 ' She says, "Good. Very brief, short answers. 18:12 And what is that that you watch? 18:15 A movie. 18:16 I said, "What kind of a move?" 18:18 About a family. 18:20 And what happens in the family? 18:21 The parents are divorcing. 18:24 And I said to myself, why would the parent or a grandparent, 18:27 I don't know who would give to a child a phone 18:30 with the movie about parents who are divorcing. 18:33 I do not understand that. 18:35 Why do they have to go through this emotional trauma? 18:39 There is a wonderful book which I love, 18:40 it's called Child Guidance. 18:42 I recommend this book to every parent. 18:45 Was written by one of my favorite authors Ellen White 18:50 and she says this, 18:52 "What the child sees and hears is drawing deep lines 18:57 upon the tender mind, 18:58 which no after circumstances in life can entirely efface. 19:03 The intellect is now taking shape, 19:06 and the affections receiving direction and strength. 19:11 Repeated acts in a given course become habits." 19:16 What the child sees and hears is drawing deep lines 19:20 upon the tender mind, 19:21 which no after circumstances in life can entirely efface. 19:26 I think I am a, I am... 19:29 I have experience in my own life this because I... 19:31 When I was a child, I was, I watched movies 19:34 and the impact of those movies 19:36 probably are still on my life today. 19:39 And these were somewhat wholesome movies 19:43 back in that day. 19:44 You may call them today... 19:48 General audience movies and everybody can... 19:52 But they're not. In my opinion they're not. 19:57 Another concern is that, 19:59 we expose our children talking about too fast. 20:02 They're too fast too old, too fast too old. 20:04 Too fast too old, too fast too old. 20:07 And focus on the family. 20:09 Dr. Dobson started this program and talking on media, 20:14 he has a very powerful statement and he says, 20:19 "You can't walk through the grocery checkout aisle 20:23 without seeing the latest shenanigans 20:24 of youth celebrities. 20:26 Media push young starlets to move beyond 20:29 "precocious and cute to sensual and sexy." 20:32 All the while, 20:33 impressionable tween fans stand by in wide-eyed wonder, 20:39 wanting to be just like them." 20:41 Yes, they want to emulate this. 20:43 Yeah. 20:44 And it's not, they're pushing now 20:47 these kids, 15, 16 to play different roles 20:53 and to be there and it changes, 20:56 it completely changes the minds of our kids. 21:03 In the same focus on the family, 21:05 there are few guidelines. 21:07 One of them is know your kids. 21:11 And I'd say pray and play. 21:13 Pray and play with your children. 21:17 I think they will enjoy much more 21:19 the time we as parents spend with them in playing 21:23 than just letting them watch something 21:25 while we watch something else. 21:29 I think the investment, 21:31 the investment in playing with our children 21:33 is absolutely worth the time and the energy. 21:38 I like to play, and I always love to play. 21:42 And when I had our son, I play with him, 21:45 hide and seek and just invent, whatever. 21:47 It doesn't matter what you play, 21:49 just play with your kids, 21:50 they'll teach you what to play with them. 21:52 And take away the computer games, 21:54 I mean just throw them away I would say. 21:57 Bring some science, some history 22:00 if you really want to help them develop intellectually, 22:03 and take time to play with them. 22:06 I remember our son growing up when he was seven, eight, 22:09 we lived in Norway, we'd go out skiing, 22:11 cross-country skiing a lot. 22:12 We moved to California then. 22:14 I remember, I'll always make time to play badminton. 22:17 When he would come back from school, 22:18 we'll play badminton everyday, almost everyday, 22:20 we played badminton, 22:22 and it did good to me, it did good to him. 22:26 He as all the kids faced challenges 22:30 from the peer pressure and others, 22:33 but I think, I believe the fact that 22:35 we took the time to pray with him as a family, 22:39 and the fact that I took time to play with him, 22:40 it was worth in time. 22:44 We still have a good relationship 22:46 and fortunately he's doing well for now. 22:48 Praise God. 22:51 Another recommendation done by focus on the family, 22:54 know their hangouts, know who their friends are, 22:57 know who they are with? 23:00 Where do they spend their time? 23:02 What are they doing while they are there? 23:05 And I have to say this, I have to give this example, 23:09 even I can be embarrassed by this. 23:11 At one point in our lives, we had a friend of our son, 23:17 the same age with him coming and visiting and... 23:20 I don't want to give too many details about this, 23:23 but I remember that he would say, 23:27 well, dad, can I go and spend some time to this kid's home, 23:31 I say, well, I was very reluctant, 23:35 and I said, no, 23:37 I don't think so, but he insisted. 23:38 I said, okay, you go 23:39 and from time to time he would go. 23:42 And I'm gonna say this because 23:44 I think a lot of parents, for the sake of parents 23:47 one day I came home and I found him 23:49 on our computer watching something 23:51 which I was not happy about. 23:56 And I said how, who taught you this? 23:59 Where did you get this from? 24:00 And he told me, from my friend. 24:04 Then being very much aware, where your kids are, 24:07 what are they doing, what happens to them, 24:10 I mean it's your... 24:11 I believe it is my responsibility as a parent, 24:14 100 percent of the time, 24:16 I need to know where my child is 24:17 and what is he doing where he is. 24:20 If you think that I'm paranoid in controlling, 24:22 forget about that 24:23 because our kids are exposed today 24:26 to so much and so many influences that... 24:31 And I have plenty of examples to use. 24:32 And you have to also remember that 24:34 even if they're going, maybe it's a Christian family. 24:38 Some parents don't parent in the same style, 24:41 so they may be a Christian family 24:42 and they allow internet in their kids' room 24:45 and children, may be their child 24:47 has not been supervised the way he should 24:50 and introduce to such stuff. 24:51 Another advice that's given, know their friends 24:53 and have access to their private lives, 24:55 email, Facebook accounts. 24:57 As a parent I think that up to the age 25:00 when they would be adults, 18. 25:03 We as parents, we need to have, we need to have access 25:06 to their means of communication. 25:07 You need to know the password of their emails, 25:10 to have access to their Facebook accounts 25:11 to see who are they talking to, what are they talking about. 25:15 I know that they are smart enough 25:16 and they can fool you, I know that. 25:19 There's applications, 25:20 there's apps where they can hide things. 25:22 They can, yes, I know that, but at least as a parent 25:26 and I'll try to explain to them, 25:27 I don't this because I want to invade your privacy. 25:30 I just love you too much. 25:32 And may I say just something 25:33 that I heard a parent say recently, 25:34 they were having some problems because they found their child 25:37 had gotten involved in something 25:39 so what they did is 25:40 they take the cell phones at night. 25:44 There's a certain hour, 8 o'clock 25:46 and the parents plug them in, in their room 25:49 and they will not allow their kids 25:51 to use it during night, that's not a bad idea. 25:53 Yes, yes. 25:54 There are some home life guidelines, 25:55 seem to have few minutes left. 25:57 Have a program, 25:59 have a daily schedule and routines. 26:01 I think that's very important. 26:04 Have a set time and place for worship, 26:05 family worship. 26:07 Have a set time for family life or family fun activities. 26:10 Spending time with our children, 26:12 going outside in the nature, playing with them. 26:15 Have clear home rules and guidelines, 26:17 a few but very clear and with clear consequences. 26:22 Keeping our kids busy. 26:25 It is also very important, the leisure time that kids have 26:28 too much time on their hands, they, we know that, 26:31 I know that by experience, you get into foolish things. 26:35 Idle hands are the devil's workshop. 26:37 FBI has guidelines 26:41 and I'm going to read them quickly. 26:43 You can find this in the website 26:47 with www.fbi.gov. 26:50 A few of them says, let media for later in life. 26:54 I was surprised that this people, 26:58 they said let media for later in life. 27:01 In other words, 27:02 don't introduce it too young to your children. 27:03 Right, right. 27:05 And you may say, well, how long my kids have to wait? 27:08 Well, it depends very much on your lifestyle as a family. 27:11 But number one, 27:12 have let media for later in life. 27:14 No media in the bedroom. 27:16 You mentioned no media in the bedroom of kids. 27:18 No media for them. No private media for them. 27:21 Computer in the living room 27:23 to be used only with adult supervision, 27:24 screen to be in a visible position at all time. 27:27 Internet connection to be limited then, 27:29 a controlled password for the network 27:32 and have access to their social media. 27:34 And this is from the FBI, they see all of these, 27:37 so these are wonderful tips, 27:39 and thank you so much for sharing them with us. 27:41 Thank you for having me. 27:42 And I should call you doctor but I don't, 27:45 but thank you so much, Octavian, 27:47 for being with us. 27:48 For those of you at home, I hope that we've discussed 27:51 a number of things very rapidly, 27:54 but I hope you took some good notes. 27:56 If not, you can always get a copy of this program, 27:58 but we also want to invite you to join us next time 28:01 as we're going to be talking about the effect 28:04 that media has on our health. 28:07 We pray that God will bless you, 28:09 and we thank you for joining us today. 28:12 Look forward to seeing you next time. |
Revised 2016-12-08