Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Karen Nicola
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000468A
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00:01 Join us today on Issues and Answers
00:02 as we welcome back author 00:04 and grief counselor Karen Nicola. 00:07 And we were going to be talking about grief work. 00:42 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn, and we welcome you 00:44 once again to Issues and Answers. 00:46 Today, we're going to cover a very fascinating topic. 00:50 We are speaking with author 00:52 and grief counselor Karen Nicola. 00:55 She has a ministry called Comfort for the Day. 00:57 And she has written a book called Comfort for the Day, 01:00 which is actually something 01:03 we're gonna talk about more in this program 01:05 because it is a journal, 01:06 and we're going to be speaking 01:08 to the idea of working through our grief, 01:12 things that we can do, 01:14 positive steps that we're allowing God to do in our life. 01:18 And of course it all has to do with trust in God 01:23 and knowing that His word is a light to our feet 01:27 and a lamp to our path. 01:28 Karen, we are so thankful to have you back again. 01:31 Thank you, Shelley. 01:33 And we've enjoyed this. 01:34 This is the third in a series that programs 01:36 that we've done with you, talking to what is grief, 01:40 speaking about the grief spiral, 01:43 the different stages and phases of grief 01:47 that not the typical five stage thing we hear about 01:51 because that doesn't really imply, 01:53 but today you wanted to call 01:56 this program Grief Work. 01:59 And I was kind of... 02:01 A catchy title caught me off guard. 02:03 Let's just jump right into grief work. 02:08 Good because grief work needs to be jumped into. 02:12 And most people don't have a clue 02:15 that they have any part to play in their grieving. 02:18 That is just something that happens at them 02:21 or happens from within side, 02:22 they're just going through this emotional rollercoaster ride 02:25 and it's just what it is. 02:26 And there is no understanding that 02:29 we can take back some control in our life 02:32 when all control has been stripped away. 02:35 And part of that regaining control is 02:38 actually making intentional purposeful decisions 02:42 of cooperating with God's healing for our broken heart. 02:45 So one of the illustrations I like to use is, 02:48 if I might fly here to 3ABN, 02:51 I fell off down off the airplane and broke my leg 02:55 somewhere in the runway or something like that, 02:57 and I came hobbling in 03:00 and had never gone to the hospital 03:02 to have it treated 03:03 because I got to get here to 3ABN. 03:06 I need to get this taping done. 03:07 So I'm here, I've got this broken leg, 03:09 and then I go home 03:11 and I never really attend to it. 03:13 Is my life going to be affected for the rest of my life? 03:16 Yes, it will be. 03:17 And it's something that 03:18 everybody can see from the outside now 03:20 I have a damaged broken leg. 03:22 Amen. 03:23 But what we can't see is 03:25 when people have a damaged broken heart. 03:28 Amen. 03:30 And we go through life not attending that broken heart 03:34 just like I wouldn't attend a broken leg would be absurd. 03:39 But it's what we do. 03:41 You know, there is something coming. 03:42 I don't think I can articulate this 03:44 but when you said that, I thought, 03:45 yeah, you have to go back and reset the leg. 03:48 You go through physical therapy and when we're grieving, 03:52 it's like you have to set the reset button 03:55 like you do on a computer almost. 03:57 You got to go back 03:58 and intentionally do some things 04:00 like the physical therapy for the leg, right? 04:03 Yeah, absolutely. 04:04 And we all know, I mean, 04:05 a torn rotator cuff is another example. 04:08 You know, someone's arm 04:09 and they got to have the surgery 04:11 and then the physical therapy begins, 04:12 so when that physical therapy begins is that... 04:15 Painful. 04:17 Yes, exactly, it's very painful. 04:20 So first of all I'd like for our viewers 04:22 to understand that grief work is painful. 04:26 I'm not going to pretend and say, 04:27 oh, it all gets better, 04:29 it's no nice, it's so easy, you can do this. 04:31 No. 04:33 But what we need to understand is the value of pain. 04:37 And if we... 04:39 Let me ask you this real quickly. 04:40 If we don't address the pain, I mean because... 04:43 I think the reason people don't deal with it is 04:47 because it is painful. 04:49 Some people won't go through counseling 04:51 because it's too painful 04:52 to bring up the memories of the past. 04:56 I'm thinking of an individual right now 04:58 who lost her husband 05:01 10 years ago, 11 years go. 05:04 And she stuck in a grieving cycle 05:09 and you just see this rollercoaster. 05:13 So someone like her 05:16 has never really let allowed God 05:20 to apply the balm of Gilead. 05:22 Yeah. 05:24 And so what you're saying is this person, 05:25 I mean if we don't go through the painful experience 05:29 of cooperating with God to receive healing, 05:32 then we're gonna be hobbling around 05:33 with the leg that's out like this, 05:37 and essentially you're gonna be stuck in pain 05:40 for years to come. 05:41 Yeah. 05:43 So we just need to ask ourselves... 05:45 Do I want to live the rest of my life 05:50 handicapped, hampered, 05:52 damaged from my grief experience, 05:55 or do I want to live the rest of my life 05:58 whole, resorted 06:00 and as God would call me to His healing. 06:05 And, you know, 06:06 whether we are Christians or not, 06:08 a lot of people choose the, 06:11 because of ignorance choose the handicapped hurtful place 06:15 to live the rest of their lives 06:16 because they ignorantly are unaware 06:19 that there is healthy grief work 06:22 that can take them through 06:24 to a restored healthy life again. 06:27 Both ways our lives will forever be changed. 06:31 I just have to say to those who are watching today. 06:34 Many spouses, many married couples 06:37 find that there are things that they do that trigger 06:41 a certain response from their spouse 06:44 and they get so confused by this. 06:47 I hope you're paying close attention 06:50 to what we're talking about today 06:51 because typically speaking, 06:53 when there is a trigger point in someone's life, 06:56 it is connected to some kind of grief in the past 07:01 with which they've not dealt. 07:03 That's right. 07:05 And as you say that, hurting people hurt people. 07:09 So if our broken heart remains broken, 07:12 charred, has rough edges 07:14 and we just keep living through our life 07:17 without doing the grief work to let the healing occur, 07:21 we will be a hurting apparent person 07:23 who hurts people, 07:25 and it just happens. 07:27 Tell us so what is this grief work? 07:29 So this grief work first of all is to say okay, 07:32 if I can endure physical pain to restore an arm 07:36 in physical therapy or a leg in physical therapy, 07:39 can I endure emotional pain. 07:42 You bet we can 07:43 because the Lord never leads us 07:45 to something that's beyond our capacity. 07:47 And it is his purpose to heal the broken heart, 07:50 but he understands 07:51 that it is painful along the way. 07:53 And so he brings the Holy Spirit to comfort us. 07:56 He comforts us through his word, 07:58 through scripture, 07:59 and that's what I think is so important about 08:02 the book that I wrote. 08:04 This is a guided, scripture guided 08:07 grief recovery journal. 08:09 This is not about me and my loss 08:12 and how I process grief. 08:14 This becomes the reader story 08:16 of how God's word is helping them heal their brokenness. 08:21 Now let me ask you, 08:22 is this the process when you lost your son 08:24 at three and half years to leukemia, 08:27 and this was 30 years go. 08:29 Did you know, where you already... 08:32 Did you employ this process or was this something 08:35 that you learned later. 08:37 I absolutely, I had already... 08:39 Interestingly enough, I began journaling 08:44 when I became pregnant with him. 08:45 Okay. 08:47 So I had been journaling for a couple of years. 08:49 And the habit in my journal writing 08:51 was to address my journals and entries to God. 08:55 I wanted him to hear about my joys, 08:58 my fears, my concerns, 09:00 my, you know, throughout my pregnancy 09:02 and what it was like to give him birth 09:05 and certainly when he first was diagnosed with leukemia, 09:08 I journaled and journaled my broken heart, 09:11 you know, what's happening, my questions our fate, crisis. 09:14 So I had, had some experience with journaling, 09:18 but I really want the audience to understand that 09:23 journaling does not mean that you have to be a writer, 09:27 okay. 09:28 Yeah. 09:29 You don't have to write anything 09:31 in perfect handwriting. 09:32 You don't have to use perfect spelling. 09:34 You don't have to use grammar. 09:35 All that we are doing is that 09:38 we're releasing from our mind and our heart 09:43 the things that we throw around and around 09:45 and around and around and around 09:46 until we would get them out. 09:48 I know there is no science for this 09:50 but I really believe 09:52 that the amount of time it takes 09:53 to get a thought down the arm and the hand 09:57 and written on paper 09:59 leave space for the Holy Spirit to follow and heal. 10:04 You know, it's interesting, 10:05 I have a teaching called 10:07 Pressing into his Presence that I teach. 10:08 This is where God changed my life. 10:11 I learned to journal my prayers at addressing 10:15 as if they were letters to God and there were prayers to God. 10:18 And one thing that I found in journaling is that 10:25 you are so much more focused, 10:28 you're focused on God, 10:30 you're not having all of the distractions 10:33 and the interruptions. 10:35 The process of having to write it, 10:37 I actually typed mine 10:38 for many, many years, you know. 10:41 But the process of writing, 10:45 you are employing all of yours senses 10:48 and then it opens you up to be able to hear 10:54 the impression of the still small voice upon your mind. 10:57 That's right. 10:58 That's exactly right. 10:59 And so when I talk about grief work, 11:03 it is an intentional purposeful activity 11:08 that we as mourners say, 11:11 either this morning, this afternoon, 11:12 or this evening, I'm gonna do my grief work. 11:15 I'm gonna sit down either with Karen's book 11:18 or my own empty journal or God's word by myself. 11:22 I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna write about 11:25 what is happening to me right now. 11:28 I'm gonna write about the questions, 11:29 the pain, the anger, the regret. 11:31 I'm gonna write about the acceptance, the fears. 11:35 I'm gonna write about whatever it might be, 11:38 the experience that we're experiencing grief right now. 11:41 And that's my grief work. 11:43 I'm going to let that exit 11:46 my mind and heart and body 11:48 and find its place on paper. 11:51 One of the advantages, you know, a lot of people say, 11:53 well, just go, talk to a friend about it, 11:56 and that's beautiful. 11:58 And if we have those kind of friends, 12:00 what a gift that is. 12:01 But as soon the word leaves my mouth, 12:04 it comes back into my ear. 12:07 When the word leaves my body, it stays on that paper. 12:13 And so if I'm haunted by guilts and regrets. 12:17 If I'm haunted by an image, 12:20 the physical image of my son committing suicide 12:23 or of being there at the scene of an accident, 12:26 those traumatic violent, unaccepted deaths, 12:32 I can put that out on paper and it leaves me for a season. 12:36 It's pretty cathartic. 12:38 Yeah, it's not that it might not come back 12:40 but in its return, I know where to take it gain. 12:44 And I can take it again and again 12:46 and that's the grief work. 12:48 If I'm not willing to do the grief work, 12:51 where does the grief go? 12:54 To be honest there is very few people 12:56 who have the kind of friend 12:59 that they will tell everything to. 13:01 We all have... 13:03 are very good about verbal camouflage. 13:05 You know, you might tell a portion of it 13:07 but you're leaving out what is most painful 13:09 where as if you're addressing God, 13:11 you can get down to this, 13:13 and sometimes you don't even recognize 13:15 what's most painful until you actually do begin to... 13:18 Start the writing... 13:20 Yeah. Yeah, exactly. 13:21 And the importance of addressing it to God 13:25 rather than just blindly say, well, today, 13:27 I started out and I'm experiencing this 13:28 and that and so forth. 13:31 By addressing it to God, 13:33 we are entrusting it to the only power 13:35 that can do something about it. 13:37 And so, David's Psalms are his journal entries 13:42 as far as I'm concerned. 13:43 Absolutely. 13:44 And in that he is starting many of his psalms raging 13:49 and angry and in anguish over something, 13:53 and by the time he is finished, 13:55 there is a voice of praise 13:57 'cause something that is changed 13:59 in that process that we see in those psalms, yeah. 14:03 Psalms 51 especially and particularly 14:05 since we talked about forgiveness 14:07 in our last week session. 14:09 Psalms 51 is his journal entry of 14:12 what took place after Bathsheba 14:16 and this baby that died and Uriah, 14:19 and all of that grief, and the guilt, and the regret, 14:23 and there's need for forgiveness, 14:24 and he journals that there. 14:27 It's the most beautiful psalm of repentance. 14:29 I mean the steps of repentance are right there 14:32 and it's beautiful. 14:34 I'm so glad that he was the manly king of Israel 14:38 who did this because I hear from many men, oh, 14:41 journaling is not for me. 14:44 And again our culture it's like, 14:46 well, crying is not for me. 14:47 Our culture just inhibits the man 14:50 from being able to grieve in healthy ways. 14:55 You know, and I will say... 14:58 Although I teach that journaling is very effective 15:02 if you're trying to press into the presence of the Lord. 15:04 I always tell people 15:05 you don't have to journal to pray to God 15:08 because my husband is a man of prayer 15:10 but if he had to journal, he would not do it. 15:12 However I'm going to take that back as an exception. 15:16 It's different when you're working through grief. 15:19 The grief. 15:21 I see, I mean, 15:22 this just makes perfect sense to me. 15:24 We are on the same page 15:26 because this is something 15:28 that anybody can do and should do. 15:31 I mean, there were going to go to a counselor, 15:36 if they were going to a psychologist, 15:38 they would give them lists of questions 15:40 and pages to write out things because even, you know, 15:45 psychology understands 15:47 there is something about getting it out on paper, 15:50 but how much more valuable 15:52 when you're involving the Lord, you're addressing the Lord, 15:55 the Holy Spirit then becomes your partner 15:58 in helping you to pray to God 16:01 and brings up things that you may not even be aware of. 16:05 You know, it's something that's under the surface, 16:08 so he can get below skin level. 16:11 Yeah. 16:12 Another area of grief work involves 16:14 taking care of you body physically. 16:17 And being very intentional and very mindful 16:20 about not exposing yourself 16:25 to things that would add more pain to you, 16:28 such as, you know, violent TV shows 16:31 and the kind of things that or loud and rock music 16:36 or things that would just add to that pain. 16:40 It means making choices about an exercise program, 16:45 including exercise and making choices 16:47 about eating well, and sleeping well, 16:51 and drinking water, and getting sunshine. 16:53 We have access to these natural remedies 16:56 as they are referred to. 16:57 And they are there as a remedy for the broken heart 17:01 as well as the physical body. 17:02 But at what point can someone do this... 17:08 I start to say self directed, 17:09 of course you hope the Holy Spirit is involved 17:11 because it seems to me, 17:13 this is a point and I think next time you come, 17:16 we're gonna talk about becoming good counselors 17:20 to those who grief be comforters. 17:22 But it seems to me that 17:26 it would be very difficult to concentrate on your health 17:30 or doing things in those first few months after 17:33 because so many people want to close in, 17:36 want to get, go into the room, 17:39 put the covers over the head and not come out. 17:41 At what point is this realistic to say, okay, 17:45 you need to intentionally go out take walks, 17:48 get sunshine, get some exercise and eat well. 17:51 People aren't thinking so much about themselves... 17:55 I'm struggling here but at what point do you think 17:58 this actually becomes realistic in the grief work? 18:01 It's absolutely necessary in grief work and here again, 18:04 we got to come back and ask ourselves, 18:06 am I willing to endure the pain or the discomfort. 18:09 Just as if I was doing physical therapy 18:11 to restore this strength in this arm 18:13 or the physical therapy for my broken leg. 18:16 Am I willing to give a try? 18:19 Am I willing to be intentional? 18:22 In my book I have a whole section 18:23 about the physiology of grieving 18:25 with the recommendations of how to find 18:29 and incorporate the physical grief work 18:32 that we need to do 18:33 to maintain our physical health. 18:36 You see if we let our physical health 18:39 diminish in bereavement, 18:43 we reduce the capacity to grieve 18:45 in a healthy way emotionally 18:47 because we're whole body system, 18:49 we're not one or the other. 18:51 And so one thing we can control. 18:53 I cannot control the wave of emotion 18:55 that might come my way, 18:57 but I can control that I'll go outside 18:59 and take a 15 minute walk. 19:01 That I can control. 19:03 I can control that 19:04 I will drink an X amount of glasses of good clean water. 19:08 Those are things that we can control, 19:10 so in a way it's almost more realistic to suggest 19:17 and consider taking on the physical steps 19:21 of keeping our physical body healthy 19:24 than it is to even consider the emotional steps. 19:27 I'm kind of laughing over here 19:28 because I have a hard time controlling 19:30 that just in a regular... 19:32 You know, 'cause we just do such work, you know, 19:35 your work flow... 19:36 Work driven... 19:38 Yeah, you're work driven so I'm having, 19:39 I mean someone would have to literally 19:40 walk me through those steps. 19:42 And I do that a bit in the books, 19:44 so that people can go, 19:45 okay, well, I could try this today. 19:46 I don't have to do all of them 19:48 but maybe I could incorporate this piece 19:50 of taking care of my physical body 19:52 and see it as my part of doing my grief work. 19:59 And yeah, it might be uncomfortable or unusual 20:01 or different, but this is my grief work. 20:05 This is the season to do my grief work. 20:07 If I delayed the season for my grief work, 20:10 will it still need to be done? 20:12 Yes. 20:13 Yep, absolutely. 20:14 I can put 10 years between it, 20 years before 20:16 but the grief work will still need to be done 20:18 if I want a healed heart. 20:20 Yes. 20:22 So whether it's the emotional work 20:24 working something through a journal 20:26 or the physical work, 20:27 of taking care of our physical bodies. 20:29 This is part of what grief work is. 20:31 Amen. Yeah. 20:33 There is more grief work. 20:35 Okay. Okay. 20:37 That comes on a cyclical basis 20:40 and particularly during the first year 20:43 when we encounter all of the first, 20:46 the first birthday, the first anniversary, 20:49 first Christmas, Thanksgiving, 20:51 Valentine, 4th of July 20:53 whatever were those favorite or unusual holidays, 20:56 the season of the year 20:58 that one would travel with their spouses. 20:59 First anniversary of the death. 21:01 First anniversary of the death. 21:03 What do we do? 21:04 That's the difficult one. 21:06 Yeah. Yeah. 21:07 That is. 21:09 I am definitely want to encourage 21:12 people not to shove it under a rug, 21:17 not to pretend, 21:20 that we really do our grief work, 21:22 that we face it head on. 21:25 And what we face head on early on, 21:29 we never have to cross that as a first time again. 21:32 So my husband and I really took that to heart. 21:37 And we discovered that 21:38 the anticipation of the first birthday, 21:43 and the first Christmas was far more intense 21:50 and painful than the actual arrival of that day. 21:54 And so when you arrive at that day 21:55 and you've made plans in preparations for it 21:58 and you work through that day, 22:00 you honor your loved on, and that day now ends. 22:05 I don't ever have to go back and live that day again. 22:08 Not that first one. 22:09 Not that first one again, yeah. 22:11 And so, so the more I'm intentional 22:13 for the first one, 22:15 the second is easier. 22:18 Now, even in a healed heart, 22:25 I visited my son's grave now 22:28 30 years later and did I weep? 22:32 Oh, you bet. 22:35 I will always love my son. 22:39 Amen. 22:40 Nobody will ever take that away from me. 22:43 And is it sad that he is not with me? 22:46 You bet. 22:48 Has God healed my heart 22:49 so that I can live and move and breathe among his creation 22:53 and be of help to other people? 22:55 Yes, he has. 22:57 And he gets all the glory for that. 22:58 Yes. 23:00 Yeah, he does. 23:01 So sometimes we think, oh, well, 23:03 they're going to get over it. 23:07 And if someone isn't crying or weeping, or in depression, 23:10 or in denial, 23:11 and they seem to be living life just fine, 23:13 and we think, oh, they are over it. 23:16 No, we don't get over it. 23:19 It's not like a flue or a cold. 23:21 We live as different human beings 23:23 for the rest of our lives. 23:25 When you lose a loved one, spouse or child, 23:30 someone that's really close, 23:32 the whole rhythm of life is changed. 23:35 And it takes time to get into a new rhythm 23:40 but it doesn't mean that you forget, 23:44 you don't just close the door and shut this, 23:48 it's something that's still there, 23:50 you always remember that. 23:52 But it is the fact that 23:54 I can see where the grief work 23:56 helps you get into a new rhythm. 23:59 Can I just... 24:00 I don't know how much you have left to say, 24:02 but I just want to encourage to share this scripture. 24:06 It's Isaiah 61:3, 24:08 it talks about how God comforts all 24:11 those who mourn and console those, 24:14 he console those who mourn, to give them beauty for ashes, 24:18 the oil of joy for mourning, 24:21 the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. 24:25 This is why it's so important to include God in this process, 24:32 I mean, actually... 24:34 I mean, to do without him, 24:35 I don't know how anybody 24:36 goes through the grieving process without the Lord. 24:40 It's a comfort to us 24:42 because we know that 24:44 if our loved one is in the Lord, 24:46 that's a quite a comfort in knowing that 24:49 we have eternity to live with them when Christ returns, 24:54 but what do you do in grief work, 24:58 or do you address this at all. 25:01 How do you counsel to someone, maybe that's next program, 25:05 when their loved one wasn't in the Lord? 25:08 Oh, that's a completely different topic than, yes. 25:13 The short answer to that is that 25:17 we've never been called to judge 25:20 anyone status one way or the other. 25:22 Amen. That is not our calling. 25:23 God has not entrusted that 25:26 piece of his kingdom life to us. 25:29 And so what he has asked us to do is to trust him. 25:32 Amen. 25:33 He is the only heart reader 25:35 who honestly reads our heart and knows. 25:38 So if someone is concerned about the future 25:43 life of eternity with or without a loved one, 25:47 I just encourage them that if you trust God, 25:50 would you trust him with that piece 25:53 because he is the only one that knows. 25:55 He knows best whether someone would live for ever, 25:57 enjoy with him or they would hate 26:00 having to live with him. 26:02 And so the Isaiah verse that 26:05 you opened up to was exactly 26:06 what I wanted to finish up with for today 26:09 because as we face those person as we acknowledge and honor, 26:15 sitting at the grave site of my son is like 26:18 a reset button for me. 26:20 It resets what is truly important in this life 26:24 and what is not. 26:26 It's clear that 26:27 the eternal realities are far more important 26:29 than the temporary sufferings 26:31 and problems and trials 26:33 and etcetera that we might have. 26:36 And so the idea that comes from Isaiah 26:41 about how God's intention is to bring us to so much healing 26:47 that the ashes of mourning, 26:50 that's what you wear in mourning 26:53 that the sack cloth of mourning, 26:55 those are exchanged for crown 26:57 and for garments of praise 27:00 and an oil of joy instead of, you know, 27:04 this despair of sadness. 27:06 And so that's what God offers us, 27:08 that's what he calls us to is this much 27:12 healing in our lives. 27:15 And that's just the beautiful thing 27:17 that if we're willing to cooperate with him 27:19 as my heavenly physician, 27:21 my heavenly therapist, 27:23 the one who knows my heart intimately and perfectly 27:26 that he knows how to take me step by step 27:29 through my valley of the shadow of death threw it, 27:33 I just didn't want to stay but threw it. 27:36 Then I can look at this promise and know that it's for me. 27:42 That is such... 27:43 You know this is the thing about God's word, 27:45 there is such comfort and life. 27:47 These words are alive and active. 27:49 Thank you so much for being with us today, Karen, 27:52 and we look forward to you returning next time 27:55 when we're going to be talking 27:57 how to be good comforters our self, 28:00 how to comfort others. 28:02 And for those of you who are watching, 28:04 I know everyone has been through grief 28:06 at some point in time in their life, 28:08 and we know that if we're alive 28:10 we still have that possibility of grief could be facing us, 28:14 but please tune in next time 28:16 so that we can see 28:18 how we can be an extension of God's comfort to others. 28:23 God bless. |
Revised 2016-11-17