Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn.
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And we welcome you
again to Issues and Answers.
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This is a program
where we're talking about
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problems of today's society,
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things that are
happening to all of us really,
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and some biblical solutions.
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Today we're going
to be speaking about
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something that we don't really
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I don't recall talking
to this topic very much.
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We're going to be
talking about step parenting
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and doing it God's way.
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Returning to us
today is Marie Fischer
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from Jay, Oklahoma.
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And we're so glad you're back.
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I have to say,
you're lot of fun.
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We've had a lot
of fun on this set
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and it's a good
thing we are today
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because I've had
very little sleep
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and you're keeping me awake.
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Praise God. Amen.
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You have weird
number of children.
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And some of whom, most of whom
are stepchildren or adopted,
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you don't have any
biological children.
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So explain to us how you ended
up with all these stepchildren?
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From a very messy life
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that God blessed me to
have the children through,
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but I had multiple marriages
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and so, therefore, I ended
up with stepchildren from them
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and also adopted
children from them.
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And those multiple marriages,
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I want to, just for
some that may not know you
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or because of you had a whole
pattern of abuse in your life,
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you were sexually molested,
you were physically abused,
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verbally
abused, mentally abused,
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spiritually abused.
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So this was something
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that you made wrong
choices in your life.
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Marrying people who weren't
God's ideal for you, right?
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That's correct.
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But I don't want to
blame my bad choices
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on my life, on my
messed life either
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because I did
make these choices,
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you know, I manipulated my life
and made excuses for my life
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and chose the
people that I chose
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because I was
living a sinful life.
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I wasn't living a
life for the Lord.
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So I can't just
blame it on my past.
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I've to take full responsibility
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that I made those choices.
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Absolutely.
That's good. That's good.
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But you ended up...
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You always prayed
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and that's something
else we have in common.
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I always wanted six children
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and I prayed so
hard for children.
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But I also prayed,
"Lord, if I would outlive them,
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then I just do not have any."
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And unfortunately, we
were not able to have children.
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Tell us your story
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about your heart's
desire for children.
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Well, ever since I
was about ten years old,
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I started praying for children.
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And I think I prayed for them
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because I felt like that
would be an unconditional love
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that that child would
love me no matter what.
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And so I was trying
to fill a void really.
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At that young
age, I wanted children.
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I babysat, I wanted children.
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And I wanted to have
12, and I told the Lord,
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I said I want 12 children, Lord.
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I want a whole
dozen of children.
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I want them to love me
and I want to love them.
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And I started praying that way,
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but I too had a
really hard time conceiving.
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And so you ended up...
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You did have what you were...
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You did go
through one pregnancy,
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but unfortunately
you miscarried that baby,
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is that correct?
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I had an ectopic,
what is tubular pregnancy.
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So which had developed
up to almost nine weeks
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which is really unheard
of, but I had eight children
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and I used to
say eight is enough,
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that's what I had at that time
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when I found out I
was pregnant at 36.
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And I was devastated
because my youngest one was 13,
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so I was like I
don't want another child,
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you know, eight is
enough and everything.
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But I truly believe the Lord
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allowed me to be
pregnant long enough
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because my little
Dylan needed a home.
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You know, and I
was not going to...
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My mother had already asked me,
this is her great grandchild.
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This is my brother
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who was murdered when
he was 28, his grandson.
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And my mom was
begging me to take him.
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I said, "Mom I've
raised eight children
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that are not mine
that I adore and love,
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and I'm so grateful to have them
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but I'm done."
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You know, and she
says "Well, I'm too old."
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Then I said,
"Well, find somebody
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that really needs a child."
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Well, then I found
out I was pregnant.
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And I think the Lord
allowed me to be pregnant,
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ectopic pregnant long enough
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so that I would
resign myself to the fact
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and get excited
about having another child,
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having a baby, you know.
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And with that being said,
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after it ruptured
and I nearly died,
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and I got Dylan two weeks
later and he was 13 months old.
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A beautiful boy, he's such
a beautiful, beautiful baby.
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He's not a baby,
but he's my baby.
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No longer a baby.
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No longer a baby, but
he'll always be my baby
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and I tell him that every day.
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You'll always be my baby.
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Okay, so you
have six stepchildren
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and you adopted three children.
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And then there is, you always...
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When I talk to you,
you always talk about ten.
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So where's number ten?
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Well, that's Jamie.
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And Jamie was a neighbor
child and she was the same age
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as my youngest
stepdaughter Tara.
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And Tara and Jamie
came home one time and said,
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"Kathy and West
don't want her anymore."
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And I'm like, "What?"
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She was 12 at the time.
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And I said, "What!" And
I said, "That can't be so."
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So I ended up taking Jamie
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I ended up getting custody
of Jamie and raising her.
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She is what the courts
labeled "a throwaway child."
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Bless her little heart.
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And bless her little heart.
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And she is a
wonderful, wonderful,
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wonderful young lady,
a Christian young lady
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and has two
beautiful children of her own
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and she has been a
blessing to my life,
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a wonderful blessing to my life.
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Praise the Lord.
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I know for me
not having children
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was probably the biggest
disappointment of my life.
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But the Lord has given
me many spiritual children
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and then we are nana and papa
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or some of them call us nanny
and dado to their children.
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JD and I is who
I'm referring to.
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But I think that one thing
that I have always believed
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and I noticed is
that parenting techniques
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aren't something
that you can just say,
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"Here's one through twenty
of the way you should parent."
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Because every child's
personality is so different
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and every child needs something
a little bit differently.
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When you are
parenting six adopted children
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or excuse me six stepchildren,
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three adopted and then
one for whom you had custody,
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what was your
greatest challenge in learning
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how to meet the needs of
these various personalities?
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Well, at the very beginning,
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I have to tell
you, I was only 21.
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So I was 21
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and took on five of
those children all at one time.
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And so the oldest one
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was only four and a
half years younger than me
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and the youngest one was five.
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So what, that's 16 years?
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So I had a 5, and 8,
13, 14, and 16 year old.
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So the biggest challenge for me
was learning how to be a parent
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all at one time and a good one.
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And it's very difficult
when you have teenagers,
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and you don't really know them
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and you're
throwing all together.
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Especially when
you're not that much...
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The age difference was
pretty narrow margin...
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Minimal.
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Yeah, minimal, it's a good word.
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You're almost could be like
considered sister to the old.
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So how did God lead you?
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Well, what's really challenging
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was that their dad
worked on the railroad
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so he was gone a lot,
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so I was kind of just
thrown into the situation.
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But I've always had
a deep love for people.
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You know, I have always
felt connection to people.
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And I could
always see their need,
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it's a gift that God gave me.
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And I wanted them to have
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something that they didn't have.
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I wanted them to
have a stable home
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and an environment
that they could be part of
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like a whole family, not just
a mom, and a dad that was gone,
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and a step mom that was
there to tell them what to do.
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I wanted to mingle with
them and I didn't know how.
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Like you said, kids
don't come with a manual.
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And step parenting
especially isn't easy,
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especially to teenagers.
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And I had one, Lisa,
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she was the oldest
of the three girls.
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And she turned
around when she was about 14
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and told me, "You
can't tell me what to do.
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You're not my mother."
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And I handled it all wrong.
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I got angry and retaliated.
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I was 21 or 22 at
the time, you know.
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We'd only been a
family for a year,
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and I handled it all wrong.
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But later on after about a
year of being a stepparent,
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I went to them and I
asked them biblically,
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I always kind of turn to God
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because I wanted to know
how to be a good stepparent,
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not just a
stepparent that said...
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The wicked
stepmother that said, "Okay.
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Well, you live here,
you have to do it this way."
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So I went to God
and then I went to them.
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And I said, "I'm
sorry, I've done things wrong.
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I know that I've
done things wrong,
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I've handled that situation,
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God's just as disappointed
with me as He is with you
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because I handled it wrong.
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But I've never
been a parent before
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and I've never been
a stepparent before.
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And so can you help me?
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Can we do this together?
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Can you help me?
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Show me what you need.
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Show and I'll try
to fill in the gaps
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and be a family unit for you."
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And that was the
turning point for us.
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We started learning
about each other differently
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and each child I
started looking at
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and trying to find
out their personality
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and what their
greatest gift was to my life.
00:10:00.60\00:10:04.20
So one had humor
that I just adored,
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and so I lifted him up
with that humor, you know.
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And one had a need
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that she needed to feel
like daddy's little girl
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because she wasn't
the baby of the family.
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And that little
girl is with the babies
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and they were
daddy's babies, you know.
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And so I made her feel special,
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I'd go and
envelop her and love her
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and she'd say, "I hate my mom."
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And I'd say, "No, you don't.
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You don't hate your mom,
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you hate the things
that maybe she's done
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but you love your mother."
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And I stopped
trying to be a mother,
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I started trying to
be just what they needed.
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That's kind of a
sacrificial type thing
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that when you're having to,
I mean, it takes sacrificial,
00:10:39.97\00:10:43.07
unconditional
love to be a parent.
00:10:43.10\00:10:45.01
But to be a stepparent,
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even I would say you
have to magnify that.
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And you do,
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and you have to spend a
lot of time on your knees,
00:10:50.95\00:10:52.28
and going back and
saying, "I'm sorry.
00:10:52.31\00:10:54.12
I messed up again," you know.
00:10:54.15\00:10:56.05
But I think even
as a natural parent,
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when I stopped
looking at myself and saying,
00:10:57.92\00:10:59.89
"Oh, they're only doing this
because I'm their step mom."
00:10:59.92\00:11:02.36
When I stop looking at that
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and realize that even if
I was their natural parent,
00:11:04.89\00:11:08.46
they have issues,
they have arguments,
00:11:08.50\00:11:11.17
they have all these things
that happen in a real life,
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you know, in a real
biological parenting.
00:11:14.20\00:11:17.34
So I stopped looking at that as,
00:11:17.37\00:11:19.07
"Oh, if I was their real mom."
00:11:19.11\00:11:20.44
Because their friends didn't
treat their mothers any better
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than they treated me.
00:11:23.38\00:11:24.71
And I started looking
at it, "This is parenting.
00:11:24.75\00:11:28.15
This is a class,
00:11:28.18\00:11:29.52
like I kind of looked at
it as parenting one on one.
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This is a class I'm taking
00:11:31.95\00:11:33.29
and I'm going to get good at it,
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just like I did all my life.
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I had to be
perfect at everything."
00:11:36.06\00:11:37.43
So I started
looking at that in that way.
00:11:37.46\00:11:40.60
And what child needed the
most of what particular thing.
00:11:40.63\00:11:44.97
But, you know, to me,
00:11:45.00\00:11:46.33
it seems like it would be
much more difficult in that,
00:11:46.37\00:11:50.21
you can't always just
walk in and be the mother,
00:11:50.24\00:11:53.31
especially, when they're older.
00:11:53.34\00:11:54.78
And your case is an unusual case
00:11:54.81\00:11:57.21
where there was such a minimal
amount of difference in age
00:11:57.25\00:12:00.35
for the oldest and you.
00:12:00.38\00:12:02.58
But you can't step up to
the plate and say suddenly,
00:12:02.62\00:12:06.35
you know,
"Well, I'm your mother,
00:12:06.39\00:12:07.72
you're going to
treat me like your mother."
00:12:07.76\00:12:09.82
This is something
that for children,
00:12:09.86\00:12:13.40
you want to be a parent,
00:12:13.43\00:12:15.53
you know, and
often people will say,
00:12:15.56\00:12:17.10
"Well, kids don't need a friend,
00:12:17.13\00:12:19.03
they need a parent."
00:12:19.07\00:12:20.40
But with step-parenting,
you have to befriend them.
00:12:20.44\00:12:24.57
How did you gain their respect
00:12:24.61\00:12:27.71
so that you could exercise
00:12:27.74\00:12:32.08
a certain degree of
authority if you will?
00:12:32.11\00:12:35.78
Yes, that's a good question.
00:12:35.82\00:12:38.79
Because at the
beginning of the relationship,
00:12:38.82\00:12:41.39
I never wanted to be their mom.
00:12:41.42\00:12:43.73
I wanted to love them.
00:12:43.76\00:12:45.29
And I told them straight out.
00:12:45.33\00:12:46.66
I said, "I'm not
here to replace your mom,
00:12:46.70\00:12:49.66
I'm not here to be your mom.
00:12:49.70\00:12:51.93
I'm here to help you
and to be a family unit.
00:12:51.97\00:12:54.34
And your dad's gone, you
need someone that will be there
00:12:54.37\00:12:57.51
to take you to school,
to help you eat at night."
00:12:57.54\00:12:59.47
And when you say dad's gone,
00:12:59.51\00:13:00.84
he traveled in
his business a lot.
00:13:00.88\00:13:02.21
Yes, he was a railroader.
00:13:02.24\00:13:04.41
So he was gone quite a
bit, you know, on the road.
00:13:04.45\00:13:08.05
So I try to look at
their needs and say,
00:13:08.08\00:13:10.62
"This is what I am here for,
to fill those needs for you.
00:13:10.65\00:13:14.52
I don't care if you call me Mom,
00:13:14.56\00:13:16.26
I don't care if
you call me Marie.
00:13:16.29\00:13:18.06
But you will respect me,
and I learn to respect you too.
00:13:18.09\00:13:21.46
I mean, it's a
mutual give and take,
00:13:21.50\00:13:23.06
and we had to
learn that together.
00:13:23.10\00:13:25.73
You know, each one of
the children added something
00:13:25.77\00:13:28.44
so beautiful and
unique to my life,
00:13:28.47\00:13:30.54
and changed me into
the person I am today
00:13:30.57\00:13:33.64
that I wouldn't change
one child for one of my own.
00:13:33.68\00:13:38.75
Yeah.
00:13:38.78\00:13:40.12
And it's something
that, you know, you've said
00:13:40.15\00:13:43.32
that you're still
very much attached to them,
00:13:43.35\00:13:46.45
they're still very
much attached to you.
00:13:46.49\00:13:48.42
You told me once that
you had written a letter
00:13:48.46\00:13:51.29
to each one of them that
hasn't been delivered yet.
00:13:51.33\00:13:53.93
Tell me about that?
00:13:53.96\00:13:55.30
Well, one day and
this was probably,
00:13:55.33\00:13:59.73
I would guess
probably 20 years ago,
00:13:59.77\00:14:01.40
I wrote these letters.
00:14:01.44\00:14:03.00
And one day, I was just
thinking about the children
00:14:03.04\00:14:05.21
and all of them
00:14:05.24\00:14:06.84
and how unique my life
has been because of them,
00:14:06.88\00:14:10.08
and how blessed my life
has been because of them,
00:14:10.11\00:14:12.05
and what special
trait each one of them have.
00:14:12.08\00:14:15.78
And I wanted them to know
how valuable they were to me,
00:14:15.82\00:14:19.35
and how important
those kids were to me,
00:14:19.39\00:14:21.59
and how
precious they are to God.
00:14:21.62\00:14:24.49
And so I sat down one day
and I wrote a letter to Gary,
00:14:24.53\00:14:28.16
to Raymond, to Lisa,
to Regina, and to Tara,
00:14:28.20\00:14:31.80
you know, just
the five step kids,
00:14:31.83\00:14:33.70
those five, those first five.
00:14:33.74\00:14:35.70
And because I didn't
have the sixth one yet.
00:14:35.74\00:14:40.78
Anyway, so I wrote
those letters to them
00:14:40.81\00:14:42.28
and I sealed them.
00:14:42.31\00:14:43.65
And my intent was, I
had watched an Opera,
00:14:43.68\00:14:48.22
mother's day thing.
00:14:48.25\00:14:49.92
And it was children
that were supposed to be
00:14:49.95\00:14:51.82
writing in letters
about their mother.
00:14:51.85\00:14:54.92
And I was like, "Oh, Lord.
00:14:54.96\00:14:56.73
I would never be a mother
00:14:56.76\00:14:59.23
if it wasn't for the
children that you gave me."
00:14:59.26\00:15:01.96
I want them to know that
how special that is to me.
00:15:02.00\00:15:04.90
How blessed I was to
have them in my life.
00:15:04.93\00:15:07.94
And how each one of them
have just added something
00:15:07.97\00:15:11.24
so unique and I sealed it.
00:15:11.27\00:15:13.41
And I never
intended to send it to Opera
00:15:13.44\00:15:15.91
because she wasn't
doing a show on that.
00:15:15.94\00:15:17.45
Had she been doing it,
I might have sent them in
00:15:17.48\00:15:19.58
and let my children all
know how treasured they were.
00:15:19.61\00:15:23.52
But I just thought
what an awesome thing to do
00:15:23.55\00:15:26.15
and so I wrote
those for those children
00:15:26.19\00:15:28.86
and I stuck them in a drawer.
00:15:28.89\00:15:30.23
And I just recently
saw them maybe a year ago.
00:15:30.26\00:15:32.96
And I was like,
"Oh, well when I die."
00:15:32.99\00:15:35.83
When I die, they'll have a
little surprise or whatever.
00:15:35.86\00:15:38.43
But you know, to me, the reason
I wanted to talk about that is
00:15:38.47\00:15:41.04
because that was your focus
00:15:41.07\00:15:43.10
is that you looked
for their strengths,
00:15:43.14\00:15:47.41
you looked for the things
00:15:47.44\00:15:50.71
for which you could affirm them,
00:15:50.75\00:15:52.75
that you could hold
them up and tell them
00:15:52.78\00:15:55.45
this is what's good about you.
00:15:55.48\00:15:58.55
Now what happens though
00:15:58.59\00:16:01.89
when there is
discord in the home?
00:16:01.92\00:16:05.39
What, I mean, there is with
all children and their parents,
00:16:05.43\00:16:09.10
so how did you go
about picking your battles?
00:16:09.13\00:16:13.60
You know, you have to be...
00:16:13.64\00:16:16.10
You have to really
want to love the children.
00:16:16.14\00:16:19.01
You really have to take
your focus on your own self
00:16:19.04\00:16:22.71
and put it aside.
00:16:22.74\00:16:24.08
And that doesn't always happen.
00:16:24.11\00:16:25.71
Even in a
biological family situation,
00:16:25.75\00:16:29.32
it doesn't happen that you don't
00:16:29.35\00:16:31.02
put your selfish
desires first and you say,
00:16:31.05\00:16:33.46
"I'm the mother
and that's what I said
00:16:33.49\00:16:34.82
and that's why it's
going to be the way it is."
00:16:34.86\00:16:36.79
So you have to
look at that child
00:16:36.83\00:16:39.43
and you have to
look at yourself and say,
00:16:39.46\00:16:42.30
"God what is it
00:16:42.33\00:16:45.07
that's really
worth fighting over?
00:16:45.10\00:16:48.44
Is this really worth
tearing apart that child
00:16:48.47\00:16:51.17
or yelling at that child,
00:16:51.21\00:16:52.74
or is this really worth telling
their dad that this happened
00:16:52.77\00:16:55.94
because he responded
so violently sometimes
00:16:55.98\00:16:58.98
in different things?
00:16:59.01\00:17:00.35
Is this really worth it?"
00:17:00.38\00:17:01.72
And when I would do that,
00:17:01.75\00:17:03.08
I would find myself saying 90%
of the stuff wasn't worth it.
00:17:03.12\00:17:08.26
You know, that is so
true even in marriage.
00:17:08.29\00:17:11.09
I mean, most
relationships, there are...
00:17:11.13\00:17:13.83
When we first
married, I would think, "Okay."
00:17:13.86\00:17:17.03
And this shows you
how my mind worked.
00:17:17.07\00:17:19.50
I had a scale from 1 to 100 is,
00:17:19.53\00:17:22.64
if it weren't at
least in 80 or above,
00:17:22.67\00:17:24.94
I'd say, "Okay, then it
isn't worth arguing over,"
00:17:24.97\00:17:27.91
if it's not an 80 or above.
00:17:27.94\00:17:29.54
And I cannot tell you how
often that I would go to bed,
00:17:29.58\00:17:33.52
something would
be right up there
00:17:33.55\00:17:35.18
and I think this is a 78 to
79, Lord, it's getting close.
00:17:35.22\00:17:40.56
And I would pray about
it and by the next morning,
00:17:40.59\00:17:44.09
the Lord would just handle it.
00:17:44.13\00:17:45.66
I mean, within 24 hours,
he would handle the situation.
00:17:45.69\00:17:49.06
But I think
sometimes, we argue over with...
00:17:49.10\00:17:53.47
We see parents
arguing with their children
00:17:53.50\00:17:55.84
and making life miserable
00:17:55.87\00:17:58.97
because parents want control.
00:17:59.01\00:18:03.61
That's exactly right.
00:18:03.65\00:18:04.98
And I think that's
basically what it is.
00:18:05.01\00:18:07.18
It's surrendering
your parental position
00:18:07.22\00:18:10.22
to win their hearts
00:18:10.25\00:18:11.59
especially, when you're in
a step-parenting situation.
00:18:11.62\00:18:14.76
I would surrender
my parental position...
00:18:14.79\00:18:17.33
Okay, what do you mean
00:18:17.36\00:18:18.69
by surrendering
your parental position?
00:18:18.73\00:18:21.10
Well, a lot of
parents would simply say,
00:18:21.13\00:18:24.07
"Because I said so." Okay.
00:18:24.10\00:18:26.43
You know, do this
because I said so.
00:18:26.47\00:18:28.77
Because I'm the
mom, or I'm the dad,
00:18:28.80\00:18:30.74
or I'm your parent
and that's way it is.
00:18:30.77\00:18:32.67
And I, as a child,
was probably antagonistic
00:18:32.71\00:18:36.95
because I would always
say, "Give me a reason.
00:18:36.98\00:18:39.95
Why?"
00:18:39.98\00:18:41.32
You know, "Why
can't I do such and such,
00:18:41.35\00:18:42.78
or why can't I eat
that if I want it?"
00:18:42.82\00:18:45.75
Because I said so, you know.
00:18:45.79\00:18:47.82
And that's not good enough.
00:18:47.86\00:18:49.19
And so when I realized that
I was making so many mistakes
00:18:49.22\00:18:52.83
as a stepparent,
00:18:52.86\00:18:54.33
I started
looking at my own life.
00:18:54.36\00:18:56.87
And the things that I really
hated that my parents stood on
00:18:56.90\00:18:59.73
because they were my parents,
00:18:59.77\00:19:01.10
you know, that
didn't make any sense.
00:19:01.14\00:19:02.64
And I was doing the
same things to my children,
00:19:02.67\00:19:05.87
my stepchildren.
00:19:05.91\00:19:07.24
And I said, "No,
you need to give up
00:19:07.28\00:19:09.48
that parental
position to win their hearts.
00:19:09.51\00:19:13.28
Because if you want to love them
00:19:13.31\00:19:15.02
and you want them to love you,
00:19:15.05\00:19:16.85
it can't be like
this all the time."
00:19:16.89\00:19:19.05
Now naturally, natural
children love their parents
00:19:19.09\00:19:22.19
even if they fight
00:19:22.22\00:19:23.56
and even if
they're abused by them.
00:19:23.59\00:19:24.99
Especially if
they're abused by them,
00:19:25.03\00:19:26.39
they want to love
that parent even more,
00:19:26.43\00:19:28.06
they want their love even more.
00:19:28.10\00:19:30.40
But a stepchild and a stepparent
00:19:30.43\00:19:34.50
have other issues.
00:19:34.54\00:19:35.87
They don't naturally love them.
00:19:35.90\00:19:37.61
You have to look for
ways to get into their heart.
00:19:37.64\00:19:41.14
And so I started
looking for their needs,
00:19:41.18\00:19:43.71
individual needs and trying
to meet those individual needs.
00:19:43.75\00:19:46.82
And I tried to separate
myself as being a parent,
00:19:46.85\00:19:50.19
even though I still
need to fulfill that role.
00:19:50.22\00:19:52.92
I still need to let them
trust me that I did love them,
00:19:52.95\00:19:56.83
that I was there for
them, I wasn't against them.
00:19:56.86\00:19:59.96
I wanted to make
their life better not worse.
00:20:00.00\00:20:02.76
And we actually
enjoyed each other's company.
00:20:02.80\00:20:05.40
We would go horseback riding,
00:20:05.43\00:20:08.24
and we would
float down the river,
00:20:08.27\00:20:09.77
and we would do
things that were fun as well.
00:20:09.80\00:20:12.14
And that was
really a bonding for us
00:20:12.17\00:20:15.38
that I didn't always have
to be that parent standing
00:20:15.41\00:20:18.81
on that position.
00:20:18.85\00:20:20.42
You know, David
Asscherick said something
00:20:20.45\00:20:22.28
so fascinating one
day when he was preaching
00:20:22.32\00:20:24.52
at one of our camp meetings.
00:20:24.55\00:20:26.15
He said that his children know
00:20:26.19\00:20:28.99
that whatever
they're going to ask him,
00:20:29.02\00:20:31.53
they can assume
that the answer is yes,
00:20:31.56\00:20:34.73
unless it's
breaking a biblical principle
00:20:34.76\00:20:37.53
or it's unhealthy for them.
00:20:37.57\00:20:39.77
You know, if it's
dangerous or unhealthy for them
00:20:39.80\00:20:41.70
or breaking a
biblical principle,
00:20:41.74\00:20:43.97
they can assume yes.
00:20:44.01\00:20:45.44
He said most people's
mindsets are no, no, no, no, no.
00:20:45.47\00:20:50.31
And kids just get to
where they're fighting
00:20:50.35\00:20:52.41
that no all the time.
00:20:52.45\00:20:54.12
He said but, you
know, God's mindset
00:20:54.15\00:20:55.98
when we go to Him,
00:20:56.02\00:20:57.35
He's just like
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
00:20:57.39\00:20:59.09
unless it's dangerous for us
00:20:59.12\00:21:01.12
or it's not good for our health,
00:21:01.16\00:21:03.86
or it breaks one of
His scriptural principles.
00:21:03.89\00:21:07.73
And I think that's
just fabulous advice
00:21:07.76\00:21:10.07
because I think most parents do.
00:21:10.10\00:21:11.43
It's kind of like, "No,
why not, because I said so."
00:21:11.47\00:21:15.14
This is something
that quite often parents
00:21:15.17\00:21:17.91
don't realize how
antagonistic they are being.
00:21:17.94\00:21:22.41
You know, they
look at their child
00:21:22.44\00:21:23.81
as being antagonistic.
00:21:23.85\00:21:25.41
But if you are in
a frame of saying yes
00:21:25.45\00:21:28.58
for the child's
benefit most of the time,
00:21:28.62\00:21:30.95
then I believe that
when they come to you
00:21:30.99\00:21:33.56
and you have to say, "No,"
00:21:33.59\00:21:35.32
that they're going to
understand, "Oh, okay.
00:21:35.36\00:21:37.33
This really is dangerous for me.
00:21:37.36\00:21:39.06
Or this is
breaking a principle of God.
00:21:39.09\00:21:40.93
Or, you know, this is something
that is not good for me."
00:21:40.96\00:21:44.73
So I think that
there's some real sound advice.
00:21:44.77\00:21:47.87
I believe that totally is
true. And I look at Matthew 7:9.
00:21:47.90\00:21:52.97
And I kind of think about
this as being a stepparent
00:21:53.01\00:21:55.91
because I did look
back at that and it says,
00:21:55.94\00:21:58.41
"For what man is there of
you, whom a son ask a bread,
00:21:58.45\00:22:02.38
and you will give him a stone?"
00:22:02.42\00:22:03.92
And instead of being a
parent that was like no, no, no,
00:22:03.95\00:22:07.09
or I don't want to do this,
or I don't want you to do that,
00:22:07.12\00:22:09.79
and I want to be in control
of everything that you do,
00:22:09.82\00:22:12.03
I start asking God,
00:22:12.06\00:22:13.40
"What can I do
to give this child
00:22:13.43\00:22:15.96
that will make
them a better person
00:22:16.00\00:22:17.87
or that will show
them that I love them?
00:22:17.90\00:22:20.14
How can I show them Christ?"
00:22:20.17\00:22:21.77
And I wanted
them to go to church
00:22:21.80\00:22:23.14
and I wanted them to go
00:22:23.17\00:22:24.51
into church
schools and all this stuff.
00:22:24.54\00:22:26.01
But how can I show them Christ
if I'm the evil stepmother.
00:22:26.04\00:22:28.84
You know, I need to
look at their best interests.
00:22:28.88\00:22:30.65
And I took that
verse as this God saying,
00:22:30.68\00:22:33.18
"I want to give
you all great things,
00:22:33.21\00:22:34.75
why would I
give you bad things?"
00:22:34.78\00:22:36.35
And so I started wanting to
give the children good things.
00:22:36.38\00:22:39.99
I do have to say though.
00:22:40.02\00:22:41.76
Being from an
abusive background,
00:22:41.79\00:22:44.33
I was overprotective,
I was over controlling,
00:22:44.36\00:22:47.73
I didn't want
anything to hurt them,
00:22:47.76\00:22:49.36
I didn't want
anything to get near to them
00:22:49.40\00:22:51.33
that could cause them pain.
00:22:51.37\00:22:53.03
And so that is a
form of abuse as well
00:22:53.07\00:22:55.97
when you manipulate situations
00:22:56.00\00:22:57.57
to keep your
children too close to you,
00:22:57.61\00:22:59.14
you don't allow
them to explore things.
00:22:59.17\00:23:02.51
You don't allow
them to go places
00:23:02.54\00:23:03.95
that could possibly hurt them
00:23:03.98\00:23:05.61
because they
could go down the lake
00:23:05.65\00:23:07.45
and drowned, you know.
00:23:07.48\00:23:09.15
So you don't let them
go with their friends.
00:23:09.18\00:23:10.62
"No, I don't think you
should go with your friends."
00:23:10.65\00:23:12.89
They're 15 and 16 years old.
00:23:12.92\00:23:15.12
They're 16 and 17 years old now,
00:23:15.16\00:23:16.99
you know, 18 and 16 or
whatever they grew up."
00:23:17.03\00:23:20.46
And I still
wanted to protect them.
00:23:20.50\00:23:23.00
And that causes them
to pull away from you.
00:23:23.03\00:23:25.33
And we do that even
without step-parenting,
00:23:25.37\00:23:28.24
even in real parenting,
we overprotect them sometimes
00:23:28.27\00:23:31.24
because we think we're
doing the best thing for them.
00:23:31.27\00:23:35.34
But we haven't taught
them how to make those choices.
00:23:35.38\00:23:37.81
We haven't given them
wings on how to be responsible
00:23:37.85\00:23:41.02
or make good choices
00:23:41.05\00:23:42.38
because we don't inform
their whole entire life.
00:23:42.42\00:23:44.55
And I did that with
my babies that I adopted.
00:23:44.59\00:23:47.49
I didn't want
anything to hurt them.
00:23:47.52\00:23:50.03
Well, and especially
coming from your background,
00:23:50.06\00:23:52.36
I can see that, that
protective desire would be
00:23:52.39\00:23:56.70
even more magnified
00:23:56.73\00:23:58.87
because of the
abuse that you suffered,
00:23:58.90\00:24:00.67
so I understand that.
00:24:00.70\00:24:02.04
But as you are working
with these, I mean, in really,
00:24:02.07\00:24:05.87
we're talking
about step-parenting,
00:24:05.91\00:24:07.54
but you also were
an adoptive mother,
00:24:07.58\00:24:10.48
a little different relationship
00:24:10.51\00:24:12.81
but it's still a
challenge sometimes.
00:24:12.85\00:24:17.09
As you are learning
to love these children
00:24:17.12\00:24:21.22
and that's what you're
asking the Lord to show you
00:24:21.26\00:24:23.16
what they need,
you're learning to love them,
00:24:23.19\00:24:25.19
to meet their needs.
00:24:25.23\00:24:27.53
How easy was it
for them to reciprocate
00:24:27.56\00:24:30.07
that love for you?
00:24:30.10\00:24:32.47
I think, you know,
00:24:32.50\00:24:33.84
the first year
is always difficult.
00:24:33.87\00:24:36.07
But I think after
a couple of years,
00:24:36.10\00:24:39.37
we were very close.
00:24:39.41\00:24:41.21
My oldest stepdaughter
00:24:41.24\00:24:42.58
and I are six years apart, Lisa.
00:24:42.61\00:24:44.95
And we're like
best friends today,
00:24:44.98\00:24:47.15
and I'm divorced from
her dad for almost 30 years.
00:24:47.18\00:24:50.79
And we're like best friends,
00:24:50.82\00:24:52.62
we talk to each
other on a regular basis.
00:24:52.65\00:24:53.99
She's a nurse,
00:24:54.02\00:24:55.36
she's a
wonderful Christian woman.
00:24:55.39\00:24:56.89
She has beautiful children,
00:24:56.93\00:24:58.26
you know, and
we're very, very close.
00:24:58.29\00:25:00.53
She still introduces me
to this day as her step mom.
00:25:00.56\00:25:03.97
And I love her to death.
00:25:04.00\00:25:05.83
I can't even imagine my
life without Lisa in my life.
00:25:05.87\00:25:08.50
Same thing with
all of my children
00:25:08.54\00:25:09.87
in a unique way.
00:25:09.90\00:25:11.24
I don't have a close,
close relationship with the ones
00:25:11.27\00:25:14.38
that have moved away to
Idaho and stuff but I love them
00:25:14.41\00:25:17.11
and they have
added things to my life
00:25:17.15\00:25:19.38
that I can't even go into
depth with that have taught me
00:25:19.41\00:25:23.52
to be a Christian in a way
00:25:23.55\00:25:25.32
that I would have never
been able to be without them.
00:25:25.35\00:25:28.26
And I want to just
touch for one second
00:25:28.29\00:25:32.23
on one of your adoptive sons
because that's a special need
00:25:32.26\00:25:39.03
is learning how to mother
someone who is serving time
00:25:39.07\00:25:45.57
in a penal institution.
00:25:45.61\00:25:46.94
Tell us about that just briefly?
00:25:46.98\00:25:50.45
He is my son, his name
is Anthony, we call him TJ.
00:25:50.48\00:25:54.38
And he has been spending
00:25:54.42\00:25:55.75
the last eleven and a half years
00:25:55.78\00:25:57.39
in prison for murder.
00:25:57.42\00:25:59.65
And he was the very child
that I protected the most,
00:25:59.69\00:26:03.93
because he had been in
six different foster homes,
00:26:03.96\00:26:07.16
in different families.
00:26:07.20\00:26:08.53
I should say, not all
of them were foster homes.
00:26:08.56\00:26:10.67
But some family
members and some foster homes
00:26:10.70\00:26:13.87
before I got him.
00:26:13.90\00:26:15.67
And so I took him
in and I protected him.
00:26:15.70\00:26:18.87
God literally had
to let me let go of him
00:26:18.91\00:26:22.04
and put him in a place
00:26:22.08\00:26:23.41
where I could love
him from a distance
00:26:23.45\00:26:25.11
and let God work on him.
00:26:25.15\00:26:26.98
But I loved him.
00:26:27.02\00:26:28.35
No matter what your child
does, it's just like Christ.
00:26:28.38\00:26:30.99
He loves you no matter what.
00:26:31.02\00:26:33.22
And this child was
actually sexually assaulted
00:26:33.25\00:26:37.79
and he murdered someone
00:26:37.83\00:26:39.59
because he was
protecting his wife and child
00:26:39.63\00:26:41.86
from the same thing.
00:26:41.90\00:26:43.37
But my point is in
asking this question,
00:26:43.40\00:26:45.67
we're running out of time,
you wrote him a letter recently
00:26:45.70\00:26:48.80
that I just want you to touch on
00:26:48.84\00:26:50.17
and we've got about 30 seconds.
00:26:50.21\00:26:51.74
Tell us about that letter?
00:26:51.77\00:26:53.21
I let him know how
precious he was to me
00:26:53.24\00:26:55.61
and how special he was to me
00:26:55.64\00:26:56.98
because he said
he felt all his life
00:26:57.01\00:26:58.81
that he was a curse
and that he cursed us.
00:26:58.85\00:27:01.18
And I said, "Absolutely not,
God brought you into my life
00:27:01.22\00:27:04.72
to help me to grow as a
mother and as a Christian
00:27:04.75\00:27:07.92
and I wouldn't trade a thing."
00:27:07.96\00:27:09.52
And his response was?
00:27:09.56\00:27:11.36
That was the best letter...
00:27:11.39\00:27:12.73
It was a Christmas
letter, and he said,
00:27:12.76\00:27:14.10
"That was a best letter I
have ever gotten from you, mom,
00:27:14.13\00:27:15.73
because I needed to know that."
00:27:15.76\00:27:17.10
Praise the Lord.
00:27:17.13\00:27:18.47
And I just wanted to
point that out because to me,
00:27:18.50\00:27:20.54
that it shows your loving heart
00:27:20.57\00:27:22.30
and how God has
taught you to meet
00:27:22.34\00:27:25.11
the needs of your
children and your stepchildren,
00:27:25.14\00:27:27.71
that's what it's all about.
00:27:27.74\00:27:29.08
Marie, we're
already out of time,
00:27:29.11\00:27:30.51
we can't
believe it but thank you
00:27:30.55\00:27:32.25
so much for being here.
00:27:32.28\00:27:33.62
I hope for those of you at
home that if you know somebody
00:27:33.65\00:27:37.72
who is trying to stepparent,
have them get this program
00:27:37.75\00:27:40.99
because I think
there's a lot of wisdom here.
00:27:41.02\00:27:43.96
May God bless
you richly. Bye-bye.
00:27:43.99\00:27:46.53