Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
00:00:29.32\00:00:30.66
and we welcome you
to Issues and Answers.
00:00:30.69\00:00:32.76
We're already having
fun here in the studio
00:00:32.79\00:00:34.96
and we're so glad
that you're joining us
00:00:35.00\00:00:36.90
whether you're watching
by television, or internet,
00:00:36.93\00:00:39.20
or perhaps
listening on the radio.
00:00:39.23\00:00:41.34
This program we are going
to be speaking to the issue
00:00:41.37\00:00:45.11
of choosing a mate.
00:00:45.14\00:00:47.88
Oh, boy, I always tell people
00:00:47.91\00:00:50.21
the second most important thing
that you ever do in your life
00:00:50.25\00:00:55.08
is to choose a mate.
00:00:55.12\00:00:56.99
The first, of course,
00:00:57.02\00:00:58.35
is to accept
Christ as your savior.
00:00:58.39\00:00:59.92
But other than that,
00:00:59.95\00:01:01.92
the second most
important decision
00:01:01.96\00:01:03.43
you ever make in your
life is who you choose for mate
00:01:03.46\00:01:05.93
because marriage can be a
little bit of heaven on earth
00:01:05.96\00:01:09.66
which I'm pleased
to say my marriage is,
00:01:09.70\00:01:12.63
or I've seen too many others
that it's just hell on earth.
00:01:12.67\00:01:17.61
So our returning guest we had,
00:01:17.64\00:01:21.24
we're so glad to have
Marie Fischer back with us
00:01:21.28\00:01:23.71
from Jay, Oklahoma.
00:01:23.75\00:01:25.81
Marie, thank you
for returning to 3ABN.
00:01:25.85\00:01:28.32
And I'm glad to be here.
Well, we're glad you're here.
00:01:28.35\00:01:31.55
You know, we
talked, you were here before
00:01:31.59\00:01:34.32
and we spoke to your past,
00:01:34.36\00:01:36.56
which was one of
some pretty serious abuse,
00:01:36.59\00:01:40.20
which sent you kind of
in a spiral if you will
00:01:40.23\00:01:44.37
and you made some wrong choices.
00:01:44.40\00:01:47.77
When you tried to
choose a mate for yourself
00:01:47.80\00:01:50.04
without God's
input, how did it go?
00:01:50.07\00:01:53.58
Well, when you were saying
the second most important thing
00:01:53.61\00:01:56.51
that you could
do is choose a mate,
00:01:56.54\00:01:58.31
I was thinking, "Oh, no,
Shelley, you're so wrong."
00:01:58.35\00:02:01.02
The second most important
thing I was thinking that
00:02:01.05\00:02:03.35
you could do is that God
choose that mate for you.
00:02:03.39\00:02:05.55
There you go. Amen.
00:02:05.59\00:02:06.92
Because if I left it
up to me, which I did,
00:02:06.96\00:02:10.73
I ended up with
multiple marriages
00:02:10.76\00:02:12.59
choosing them my
own way, my own desires.
00:02:12.63\00:02:17.83
And it can, like you
said be hell on earth
00:02:17.87\00:02:20.80
and it was for
me, because I chose
00:02:20.84\00:02:23.00
because of my
behavior, because of my past,
00:02:23.04\00:02:26.68
because of the
abuse I chose people
00:02:26.71\00:02:28.54
that I felt comfortable with.
00:02:28.58\00:02:30.91
I was used to
controlling abusive men.
00:02:30.95\00:02:34.48
Yes. So I chose them.
00:02:34.52\00:02:36.62
And that's you
see that all the time,
00:02:36.65\00:02:38.19
you see somebody that grows
up with an alcoholic father
00:02:38.22\00:02:42.02
who turn around
and marry an alcoholic
00:02:42.06\00:02:44.96
and you think, "Why
would they do that?"
00:02:44.99\00:02:47.00
Or you see
someone who may have had
00:02:47.03\00:02:48.83
a really
controlling wife or mother
00:02:48.86\00:02:52.03
who just really kind
of messed up their life
00:02:52.07\00:02:54.47
and they felt browbeaten,
and yet they'll turn around
00:02:54.50\00:02:56.91
and they marry somebody
who is really controlling.
00:02:56.94\00:02:59.41
It's what we know.
00:02:59.44\00:03:01.08
I think it's what
we know, it's where,
00:03:01.11\00:03:03.45
even though we may not like it,
00:03:03.48\00:03:05.58
it's where we feel comfortable
00:03:05.61\00:03:07.02
because it's
what you've known all.
00:03:07.05\00:03:08.95
I had a very controlling father,
00:03:08.98\00:03:11.42
he had a very bad
temper, he was good to me
00:03:11.45\00:03:15.39
and good to his children,
00:03:15.42\00:03:16.76
but he was hard on
my mom but I knew it.
00:03:16.79\00:03:20.26
I knew that how to maneuver
around that type of situation
00:03:20.30\00:03:25.40
and because of my past
that you had mentioned,
00:03:25.43\00:03:27.90
you know, the
abuse and everything,
00:03:27.94\00:03:29.27
I never felt worthy
to have anything better.
00:03:29.30\00:03:31.44
Yes, yes.
00:03:31.47\00:03:33.34
So you did, it did
lead to multiple marriages,
00:03:33.38\00:03:37.25
but how did you come
to understand that God,
00:03:37.28\00:03:42.02
you needed God in this process.
00:03:42.05\00:03:44.85
Well, after
failure after failure,
00:03:44.89\00:03:46.62
choosing the wrong
one, something had to give.
00:03:46.65\00:03:49.96
Something had to change, right?
00:03:49.99\00:03:51.36
Well, I came out
of a bad relationship
00:03:51.39\00:03:53.46
and then I chose to
marry an Adventist man,
00:03:53.50\00:03:56.46
thinking that he's a Christian
00:03:56.50\00:03:58.63
and so everything would be good.
00:03:58.67\00:04:00.50
He wouldn't cheat on me,
he wouldn't do the things
00:04:00.54\00:04:02.57
that other relationships
had done which he didn't.
00:04:02.60\00:04:05.64
You know, but he was
a lot older than I was
00:04:05.67\00:04:08.84
and he had five children
00:04:08.88\00:04:10.51
which I wouldn't
trade for anything,
00:04:10.55\00:04:11.88
and that's a
whole another topic,
00:04:11.91\00:04:13.31
but I wouldn't
trade for anything,
00:04:13.35\00:04:14.85
but I still made bad choices.
00:04:14.88\00:04:16.92
Even though he was an
Adventist of my same faith,
00:04:16.95\00:04:20.52
there had to be more than
00:04:20.56\00:04:21.89
just being the
same faith, you know.
00:04:21.92\00:04:23.63
You can't just say
being equally yoked,
00:04:23.66\00:04:26.66
so I'll marry an Adventist
and everything will be fine.
00:04:26.70\00:04:28.96
You still need
the guidance of God,
00:04:29.00\00:04:30.60
you still need common
ground and common factors.
00:04:30.63\00:04:34.34
You know, I'm so glad you
said that about having things
00:04:34.37\00:04:37.07
in common other
than just the religion.
00:04:37.11\00:04:39.27
Now, of course,
you can marry someone
00:04:39.31\00:04:41.04
with whom you have
many things in common,
00:04:41.08\00:04:43.61
and if you are unequally
yoked as far as your faith,
00:04:43.65\00:04:47.92
it can be
disastrous in a relationship.
00:04:47.95\00:04:50.82
But just because you
share the same faith,
00:04:50.85\00:04:53.42
it doesn't mean you're
going to have a good marriage
00:04:53.46\00:04:56.26
with someone.
00:04:56.29\00:04:57.63
So what types of things
do you think are important
00:04:57.66\00:04:59.56
or to proven
important in your life
00:04:59.59\00:05:01.93
to have in
common with the person
00:05:01.96\00:05:04.83
with whom you think
00:05:04.87\00:05:06.20
you will spend
the rest of your life?
00:05:06.23\00:05:07.80
Well, I think
it's very important
00:05:07.84\00:05:09.57
to have the same
worship ethics as well.
00:05:09.60\00:05:12.74
You know, their prayer
life together is important
00:05:12.77\00:05:15.21
and we didn't have that,
although he was an Adventist,
00:05:15.24\00:05:17.65
I had great expectations.
00:05:17.68\00:05:19.25
Yes.
00:05:19.28\00:05:20.62
But they weren't there
and he was so much older
00:05:20.65\00:05:22.48
that I thought
he would have been,
00:05:22.52\00:05:24.92
you know, the
worship leader of my home,
00:05:24.95\00:05:27.69
you know, we'd
have family worship
00:05:27.72\00:05:29.06
and we didn't
talk about those things
00:05:29.09\00:05:31.59
which we just assumed
that we'd be on the same page.
00:05:31.63\00:05:34.53
Also I had five stepchildren
00:05:34.56\00:05:37.07
which were closer
in my age than his,
00:05:37.10\00:05:39.07
so I did more things
with them than I did with him.
00:05:39.10\00:05:42.30
And he worked out of town
00:05:42.34\00:05:43.81
and just a lot of
things that I didn't realize.
00:05:43.84\00:05:46.68
So what you're saying, he
was how much older than you?
00:05:46.71\00:05:48.88
Fourteen years.
And that's quite a gap.
00:05:48.91\00:05:51.51
He was closer
to my mother's age.
00:05:51.55\00:05:52.88
Yeah, that is quite a gap.
00:05:52.91\00:05:54.95
So in common,
let's just hit this
00:05:54.98\00:05:57.65
because I know that
having the same value system
00:05:57.69\00:06:00.36
is very important.
00:06:00.39\00:06:01.72
You can go to the same church
and not have the same values.
00:06:01.76\00:06:03.32
Absolutely.
00:06:03.36\00:06:04.69
But that is one that's
always proven critical.
00:06:04.73\00:06:07.03
I think money
habits are very important.
00:06:07.06\00:06:10.17
I was going to say that.
00:06:10.20\00:06:11.53
Money is very
important you need to discuss
00:06:11.57\00:06:13.13
that kind of
thing and I was only 21
00:06:13.17\00:06:15.60
when I married him
and he was almost 35.
00:06:15.64\00:06:18.84
So I didn't even
have any concept of
00:06:18.87\00:06:23.48
how it was
going to be with money
00:06:23.51\00:06:24.85
because I was
independent, I always worked,
00:06:24.88\00:06:26.61
I had my own money,
I didn't have a clue
00:06:26.65\00:06:29.35
how it would be
with an older gentleman,
00:06:29.38\00:06:31.55
and how he felt about me,
00:06:31.59\00:06:33.49
and how he felt
about sharing his money.
00:06:33.52\00:06:36.46
And I didn't have money,
00:06:36.49\00:06:37.83
you know, I wasn't given
money I wasn't given a budget,
00:06:37.86\00:06:40.06
I wasn't given
anything from him,
00:06:40.10\00:06:42.16
so that was, right
there was a problem,
00:06:42.20\00:06:43.87
the money was an issue
right there from then...
00:06:43.90\00:06:45.57
It's huge. It's huge.
00:06:45.60\00:06:47.07
Plus, he had
children, he had gone places
00:06:47.10\00:06:50.41
that I had never been and
you don't think about that.
00:06:50.44\00:06:52.87
You need to discuss things like
00:06:52.91\00:06:54.74
where do we want
to go on vacation.
00:06:54.78\00:06:56.24
He was used to making
00:06:56.28\00:06:57.61
all the
decisions for his children
00:06:57.65\00:06:58.98
and I just kind of
fit right into that.
00:06:59.01\00:07:00.72
So age is a huge factor,
and money is a huge factor,
00:07:00.75\00:07:04.19
and faith is a huge factor.
00:07:04.22\00:07:06.15
And I do know
something wonderful
00:07:06.19\00:07:07.99
May-December relationships
00:07:08.02\00:07:09.56
where you have a
partner typically it's,
00:07:09.59\00:07:11.59
the man is older.
00:07:11.63\00:07:13.29
You don't generally see a man
marry a woman 20 years older,
00:07:13.33\00:07:16.67
and I know men whose
wives are up to ten years older.
00:07:16.70\00:07:20.80
But the point is that I
always tell people, ideally,
00:07:20.84\00:07:24.21
five years is an age
difference is pretty much,
00:07:24.24\00:07:29.51
that was my
personal limit actually.
00:07:29.54\00:07:31.71
I didn't want to marry
somebody much older than I am.
00:07:31.75\00:07:33.72
I tend to agree with
you now from experience
00:07:33.75\00:07:36.52
because I had
one 14 years older,
00:07:36.55\00:07:39.22
then I jumped
out of that marriage
00:07:39.25\00:07:40.66
after nine and a half years
00:07:40.69\00:07:42.16
and a bad
relationship and everything.
00:07:42.19\00:07:44.13
And I had my second
husband nine years younger.
00:07:44.16\00:07:47.90
So there's what a
23 year span there.
00:07:47.93\00:07:49.90
Right.
00:07:49.93\00:07:51.27
Age is a huge factor and
I chose not this marriage
00:07:51.30\00:07:57.37
because of the age
or the other marriage
00:07:57.41\00:07:59.51
because of the age.
00:07:59.54\00:08:00.88
I chose one because I
said, "Oh, he's an Adventist."
00:08:00.91\00:08:02.51
I said, "Oh,
it'll be wonderful."
00:08:02.54\00:08:04.61
And then I chose the other
one out of love without God.
00:08:04.65\00:08:08.12
Okay.
00:08:08.15\00:08:09.48
Which was another huge mistake.
00:08:09.52\00:08:10.85
And, you know, the thing that
I think young people look at,
00:08:10.89\00:08:13.25
age doesn't seem,
00:08:13.29\00:08:15.12
you know, the age
difference between 21 and 35
00:08:15.16\00:08:18.26
that doesn't seem
really that big a deal.
00:08:18.29\00:08:20.50
But suddenly, when you
are 41 and he's 50 or 65
00:08:20.53\00:08:27.20
it's beginning to
make a bigger difference.
00:08:27.24\00:08:29.37
You know, you marry
someone, you have to think
00:08:29.40\00:08:31.67
that you're going
to be married for life.
00:08:31.71\00:08:33.11
But you mentioned
the love, how do people,
00:08:33.14\00:08:37.48
you know, that
many people will marry.
00:08:37.51\00:08:39.35
I think the biggest mistake
is to marry for security,
00:08:39.38\00:08:42.72
you know, people that
marry for money of course.
00:08:42.75\00:08:46.65
I mean that's going to be
disastrous from the beginning
00:08:46.69\00:08:48.69
because there needs to
be that love and commitment.
00:08:48.72\00:08:50.99
But how do you know really
00:08:51.03\00:08:54.16
if you haven't got
God involved in this,
00:08:54.20\00:08:56.73
how do you know what love is?
00:08:56.77\00:08:59.87
A lot of times it's
a physical attraction
00:08:59.90\00:09:02.17
which you're
feeling for someone,
00:09:02.20\00:09:04.21
but how would you
speak to love and commitment?
00:09:04.24\00:09:08.64
Well, I didn't
know love and commitment
00:09:08.68\00:09:10.35
because I didn't know Christ.
00:09:10.38\00:09:12.15
When I was choosing a
mate, I was choosing a mate,
00:09:12.18\00:09:15.68
I was choosing a
mate for religious reasons
00:09:15.72\00:09:19.15
that he wouldn't cheat on
me, and he would be stable,
00:09:19.19\00:09:21.12
and it would be good,
and it still was no love.
00:09:21.16\00:09:24.59
You know, I
didn't know how to love,
00:09:24.63\00:09:26.09
I didn't know how
to give him everything
00:09:26.13\00:09:27.66
because I didn't
understand the love of God.
00:09:27.70\00:09:30.07
And so then when I was
out of that relationship
00:09:30.10\00:09:33.00
and jumped into
another relationship with a man
00:09:33.03\00:09:35.27
that was younger than me,
that wasn't the issue either,
00:09:35.30\00:09:37.67
but he made me
laugh and I felt free.
00:09:37.71\00:09:40.64
I didn't feel stifled
under a father figure.
00:09:40.68\00:09:43.85
And that's what I had
with my first marriage
00:09:43.88\00:09:45.75
is a father figure.
00:09:45.78\00:09:47.12
And when you experience,
00:09:47.15\00:09:49.52
because I know there are so many
00:09:49.55\00:09:50.89
who are watching
who've been through,
00:09:50.92\00:09:52.55
sadly have been
through a divorce
00:09:52.59\00:09:54.72
and maybe you've been
involved in multiple marriages,
00:09:54.76\00:09:57.73
and you still say, I
still don't have it right.
00:09:57.76\00:10:00.43
But did you feel any
sense of shame or guilt
00:10:00.46\00:10:06.33
toward God because...
00:10:06.37\00:10:07.70
Oh, absolutely.
00:10:07.74\00:10:09.07
Towards my church,
towards my family, towards God,
00:10:09.10\00:10:12.71
the children that were involved,
00:10:12.74\00:10:14.08
even though
there were stepchildren
00:10:14.11\00:10:15.64
and then adopted children,
the separation of family,
00:10:15.68\00:10:19.08
you know, it's not
biblical to do these things.
00:10:19.11\00:10:21.25
And so you have a
huge sense of guilt,
00:10:21.28\00:10:23.92
a huge sense of shame,
00:10:23.95\00:10:25.59
and an
acceptance from your church,
00:10:25.62\00:10:28.29
it's a horrible thing,
00:10:28.32\00:10:29.69
and you don't ever feel
like you could be used by God.
00:10:29.72\00:10:32.19
Because there again,
you have that stigma,
00:10:32.23\00:10:34.16
I've been married twice,
I've been married three times,
00:10:34.20\00:10:36.06
or whatever, you know.
00:10:36.10\00:10:37.97
And we want to make sure that
00:10:38.00\00:10:39.33
we really
clearly state that yes,
00:10:39.37\00:10:44.31
the Bible says,
God says in Malachi
00:10:44.34\00:10:46.61
that He hates divorce.
00:10:46.64\00:10:47.98
And the reason He hates
divorce is because He knows
00:10:48.01\00:10:51.21
how it's going to
affect the family,
00:10:51.25\00:10:53.21
He knows the pain
that divorce causes.
00:10:53.25\00:10:55.52
But divorce is not
the unpardonable sin.
00:10:55.55\00:10:58.02
So if you are a
divorced, viewer or listener,
00:10:58.05\00:11:02.19
please know that God is
the God of new beginnings.
00:11:02.22\00:11:05.53
Amen.
00:11:05.56\00:11:06.90
And, Shelley, that's
exactly what God did for me.
00:11:06.93\00:11:09.30
In fact, I look at Matthew 6:33
00:11:09.33\00:11:13.97
and this is
what I started doing.
00:11:14.00\00:11:15.60
It says, but seek ye
first the kingdom of God,
00:11:15.64\00:11:18.11
and his righteousness,
00:11:18.14\00:11:19.54
and all these things
shall be added unto you.
00:11:19.57\00:11:21.04
And so I started
claiming that as a promise
00:11:21.08\00:11:23.35
that God would give
me the man of my dreams
00:11:23.38\00:11:26.88
if that's what
God wanted for me.
00:11:26.92\00:11:29.25
But the most
important thing was that
00:11:29.28\00:11:31.69
I was seeking Him first
00:11:31.72\00:11:33.25
and that I
learned to like who I was.
00:11:33.29\00:11:35.52
That was huge, you know,
00:11:35.56\00:11:37.13
I had to be
comfortable in my own skin.
00:11:37.16\00:11:39.13
I had to be
comfortable and like who I was
00:11:39.16\00:11:41.20
because the other marriages
had made me feel less than.
00:11:41.23\00:11:45.63
Well, and you had to
know who you were too.
00:11:45.67\00:11:48.34
You know, you
didn't have a very good...
00:11:48.37\00:11:50.97
You kind of had
identity crisis if you will
00:11:51.01\00:11:53.11
because you had been coming
out of an abusive situation
00:11:53.14\00:11:58.38
or lifestyle and
then here you are
00:11:58.41\00:12:01.35
having multiple marriages.
00:12:01.38\00:12:03.05
So you don't know who you are,
00:12:03.08\00:12:05.32
how can you choose
for yourself a mate?
00:12:05.35\00:12:08.96
I spent a lot of time reading
the scriptures and books,
00:12:08.99\00:12:12.16
I delved into books
that Date or Soul Mate,
00:12:12.19\00:12:15.16
He's Just Not Into You,
Boundaries in Relationship,
00:12:15.20\00:12:18.63
which is a Christian book,
sets boundaries for your life.
00:12:18.67\00:12:22.67
And so I used those
as guidelines for my life
00:12:22.70\00:12:25.87
and I did like that.
00:12:25.91\00:12:27.24
I did just trust in God
00:12:27.28\00:12:28.98
and I said,
there came to a point,
00:12:29.01\00:12:30.85
I said, "Lord,
I think I'm ready.
00:12:30.88\00:12:34.15
I'm ready to date, if
that's what you want for me,
00:12:34.18\00:12:36.99
but if it's not, that's fine.
00:12:37.02\00:12:38.95
You'll have to choose the person
00:12:38.99\00:12:40.66
because I'm a bad picker.
00:12:40.69\00:12:42.42
I'm just not good at
it. I'm a bad picker."
00:12:42.46\00:12:45.16
And so I said, "You'll
have to pick the person for me."
00:12:45.19\00:12:48.76
And I went to work
00:12:48.80\00:12:50.13
and two days
later Mark asked me out
00:12:50.17\00:12:53.13
and he's my gift,
he's my gift from God.
00:12:53.17\00:12:56.60
He's my husband,
great Christian man,
00:12:56.64\00:12:59.37
a wonderful man, a loving
man who adores me, worth in all.
00:12:59.41\00:13:04.11
He knows my
life, he knows my past,
00:13:04.15\00:13:06.61
he knows my history,
and he is okay with it.
00:13:06.65\00:13:10.12
That's wonderful. Yeah.
00:13:10.15\00:13:11.49
But now when you all, you
had actually known each other
00:13:11.52\00:13:14.32
for quite some time
because you worked together,
00:13:14.36\00:13:16.26
but what was your
first impression of Mark?
00:13:16.29\00:13:20.50
We didn't like
each other at all.
00:13:20.53\00:13:24.07
I had overheard a
conversation that he was having
00:13:24.10\00:13:26.30
and I think people
need to be really careful
00:13:26.33\00:13:29.20
and I can't stress that enough.
00:13:29.24\00:13:31.54
You need to be very
careful when you jump in
00:13:31.57\00:13:33.34
on somebody's conversation
00:13:33.38\00:13:34.71
that you don't
make a judgment call.
00:13:34.74\00:13:37.18
And that's exactly what I
did, I made a judgment call
00:13:37.21\00:13:39.48
on what he was trying to say
00:13:39.51\00:13:40.85
and didn't hear
the whole conversation.
00:13:40.88\00:13:42.85
And I made a
flippant remark and punched in
00:13:42.88\00:13:45.55
and quickly walked
out of the break room
00:13:45.59\00:13:47.29
and went back to
work and so he thought,
00:13:47.32\00:13:50.16
and which I didn't
even know he thought
00:13:50.19\00:13:51.79
until we started dating.
00:13:51.83\00:13:53.40
He said, when I heard
you say that, I thought,
00:13:53.43\00:13:56.00
"Man she's opinionated.
00:13:56.03\00:13:57.40
I don't want to have
anything to do with her."
00:13:57.43\00:13:59.23
And I said, "Well, that was good
00:13:59.27\00:14:00.60
because I felt this way
00:14:00.64\00:14:01.97
and I stayed away from you too."
00:14:02.00\00:14:04.21
But God had a plan, you know,
00:14:04.24\00:14:05.61
He had a different plan for us.
00:14:05.64\00:14:07.48
And my husband Mark said,
00:14:07.51\00:14:11.31
"When God first asked
him to ask me out, told him,
00:14:11.35\00:14:14.55
"I want you to ask her out."
00:14:14.58\00:14:15.98
Because he was
praying for someone too.
00:14:16.02\00:14:17.45
He had been recently divorced
00:14:17.49\00:14:18.82
and he was praying for someone,
00:14:18.85\00:14:20.19
I had been divorced for
couple of years by then.
00:14:20.22\00:14:22.82
I said...
00:14:22.86\00:14:24.19
He said that he told
God, "Oh, Lord, not her.
00:14:24.23\00:14:28.40
Please not her."
00:14:28.43\00:14:30.43
That's so funny, he knew.
00:14:30.47\00:14:31.80
And so he didn't ask me out,
00:14:31.83\00:14:33.17
and so it took him
a couple of months,
00:14:33.20\00:14:35.47
and then when he
finally came in to ask me out,
00:14:35.50\00:14:38.47
he said, Bye Marie,
00:14:38.51\00:14:41.18
and it was
getting to be near Sabbath
00:14:41.21\00:14:43.04
and I always finished
everything by four on Friday.
00:14:43.08\00:14:45.81
I was the HR
representative for our church,
00:14:45.85\00:14:47.65
and I did the hiring
00:14:47.68\00:14:49.02
and the
interviewing and everything,
00:14:49.05\00:14:50.39
and so I was getting
everything wrapped up.
00:14:50.42\00:14:52.55
And he says, "Good night,
Marie, have a good weekend."
00:14:52.59\00:14:54.66
And I said, "Oh, have
a good weekend, Mark."
00:14:54.69\00:14:56.29
And I was
working on the computer
00:14:56.32\00:14:57.66
and he says,
"Well, what about dinner?"
00:14:57.69\00:15:01.86
And I turned
around and looked at him
00:15:01.90\00:15:03.83
and his face was twitching
00:15:03.87\00:15:05.60
and I said, "Well,
have a good dinner too."
00:15:05.63\00:15:08.97
And I just turned back around
00:15:09.00\00:15:10.34
and started working on
the computer thinking of
00:15:10.37\00:15:12.71
what I needed to do.
00:15:12.74\00:15:14.08
And he says, "Your
blonde roots are showing."
00:15:14.11\00:15:16.98
And I said, "Huh?" Just
like that, I just turned.
00:15:17.01\00:15:20.08
He loves that part,
he tells that story,
00:15:20.12\00:15:22.35
he says and she did, "Huh?"
00:15:22.38\00:15:23.75
You know, and I
did, I went "Huh."
00:15:23.79\00:15:25.85
And he goes, "Your
blonde roots are showing.
00:15:25.89\00:15:27.26
What about dinner?" And
I said, "Oh, like a date?"
00:15:27.29\00:15:30.76
Like me, I haven't
dated for 20 years, you know.
00:15:30.79\00:15:32.59
Yes.
00:15:32.63\00:15:33.96
I was like, "Me
you a date tonight?"
00:15:34.00\00:15:35.83
And he's like, "No
what about tomorrow."
00:15:35.86\00:15:38.63
And all the books that I
had read ran through my mind.
00:15:38.67\00:15:41.74
Well, you don't
give him your address,
00:15:41.77\00:15:43.10
you don't give
him your phone number,
00:15:43.14\00:15:44.47
you meet him in a neutral place,
00:15:44.51\00:15:45.84
blah, blah, blah...
00:15:45.87\00:15:47.21
And I said, "Okay."
00:15:47.24\00:15:48.68
And he still stood there
and I wouldn't look at him
00:15:48.71\00:15:52.25
and he says, "Don't you think
00:15:52.28\00:15:53.88
you ought to give
me your phone number?"
00:15:53.92\00:15:56.89
And I'm thinking,
"Marie, don't be ridiculous,
00:15:56.92\00:15:58.62
you've worked with
this man for eight years.
00:15:58.65\00:16:01.16
The Lord brought him
to you for some reason
00:16:01.19\00:16:04.03
maybe just to
teach you something
00:16:04.06\00:16:05.39
but for some reason
don't be ridiculous."
00:16:05.43\00:16:08.10
And I said, "Why
don't we just meet here,"
00:16:08.13\00:16:09.96
And he goes, "No, typically
I pick you up at your house
00:16:10.00\00:16:12.77
and I drop you off at your house
00:16:12.80\00:16:14.87
and shame on the men
00:16:14.90\00:16:16.24
that didn't treat
you better than that."
00:16:16.27\00:16:17.77
And immediately I
felt really, you know.
00:16:17.81\00:16:21.81
So I gave him my phone number
00:16:21.84\00:16:23.21
and we've been
together ever since.
00:16:23.24\00:16:25.98
You know, the
Lord has just worked
00:16:26.01\00:16:27.75
such a wonderful,
wonderful relationship
00:16:27.78\00:16:30.95
out of this traumatic beginning.
00:16:30.99\00:16:34.02
So I just gonna
add a little something
00:16:34.06\00:16:36.76
because you and I had,
there are so many parallels
00:16:36.79\00:16:38.96
but, you know, we
don't always know.
00:16:38.99\00:16:40.76
I remember when I
was dating my husband,
00:16:40.80\00:16:42.93
we broke up six months
into it and I told my mother,
00:16:42.96\00:16:45.80
"He'd be the last person
on earth that I would marry."
00:16:45.83\00:16:49.07
And then a
couple of years later,
00:16:49.10\00:16:51.04
we became business partners.
00:16:51.07\00:16:52.97
And I remember when
one day he said to me,
00:16:53.01\00:16:56.08
"I've been driving down
the road trying to figure out
00:16:56.11\00:16:58.45
why I should marry you."
00:16:58.48\00:17:01.28
And I'm thinking, "Marrying me?
00:17:01.32\00:17:03.42
You know, I can
think of a reason
00:17:03.45\00:17:04.79
why we've never talked about it.
00:17:04.82\00:17:06.15
We weren't even dating."
00:17:06.19\00:17:07.52
And I remember praying, I had
to go to New York on business
00:17:07.56\00:17:11.33
and we just
can't impress enough,
00:17:11.36\00:17:14.83
how important it
is to pray about this
00:17:14.86\00:17:16.70
because this is not someone
00:17:16.73\00:17:19.17
who I probably
would have chosen,
00:17:19.20\00:17:21.77
and I really
wasn't, but when I went
00:17:21.80\00:17:24.17
and I was praying about it,
00:17:24.21\00:17:25.97
the Lord really impressed
upon me, this was the one.
00:17:26.01\00:17:30.05
The one I said I would
never marry was the one.
00:17:30.08\00:17:33.48
And, you know, God knows best.
00:17:33.52\00:17:36.38
One thing I did from
the time I was 13 years old
00:17:36.42\00:17:40.26
and I'm just gonna talk,
we've got some young ladies
00:17:40.29\00:17:43.46
on camera today
that I prayed sincerely,
00:17:43.49\00:17:48.16
earnestly to the Lord,
00:17:48.20\00:17:49.53
"Please don't
let me marry anyone
00:17:49.56\00:17:52.23
over whom I would lose my soul."
00:17:52.27\00:17:55.17
I babysat for a
lady from our church
00:17:55.20\00:17:57.77
whose husband, she
married an agnostic.
00:17:57.81\00:18:00.21
Then he became atheist
00:18:00.24\00:18:01.98
and he wouldn't
let her go to church.
00:18:02.01\00:18:03.81
And I could remember, you know,
00:18:03.85\00:18:06.18
I was pretty
precocious as a child,
00:18:06.21\00:18:08.25
but I can remember
talking with her and saying,
00:18:08.28\00:18:10.72
"You mean, you'd lose
your soul over a man."
00:18:10.75\00:18:13.62
But what happened I went...
00:18:13.66\00:18:18.93
Here I'm praying about
this and there were times
00:18:18.96\00:18:22.13
that I was engaged before JD,
00:18:22.16\00:18:25.27
and I would get
close to the wedding date,
00:18:25.30\00:18:27.77
and all of a sudden just
be like God would just go.
00:18:27.80\00:18:31.04
And it's pulled me
up short and I would,
00:18:31.07\00:18:33.11
and I have to say, "Whoops!
00:18:33.14\00:18:34.48
Wait, we can't do this
unless God's going to be
00:18:34.51\00:18:36.28
the foundation of our marriage."
00:18:36.31\00:18:38.25
But God knew best who I needed.
00:18:38.28\00:18:41.98
We're so perfectly suited
and I look back on the people
00:18:42.02\00:18:44.95
that I would have chosen
and think, "Thank you Jesus
00:18:44.99\00:18:48.29
that I didn't marry them."
00:18:48.32\00:18:49.66
I cannot agree with
you more, I cannot...
00:18:49.69\00:18:51.76
I'm listening to you
thinking, oh, my goodness
00:18:51.79\00:18:53.63
because I
started praying that way
00:18:53.66\00:18:55.90
after I met Mark,
00:18:55.93\00:18:57.70
because I always
jumped into something
00:18:57.73\00:19:00.10
and married for
the wrong reason.
00:19:00.14\00:19:01.47
So I had told God,
"I'm not going to marry him
00:19:01.50\00:19:05.14
if you to the moment
that we walk down that aisle,
00:19:05.17\00:19:08.04
if you tell me not to
marry him, I will not."
00:19:08.08\00:19:11.68
And I said that all
the way up to the time
00:19:11.71\00:19:13.78
that we got married
00:19:13.82\00:19:15.38
and I said, "God, I am
not going to dishonor you,
00:19:15.42\00:19:17.72
I'm not going to
bring this shame on myself
00:19:17.75\00:19:20.82
and on you.
00:19:20.86\00:19:22.19
I am going to follow
you if this is the man..."
00:19:22.22\00:19:24.33
Even all the way up
we dated for a year,
00:19:24.36\00:19:26.80
I tried to break up with him
because my natural self said,
00:19:26.83\00:19:30.67
oh, it's easier to
break up with him now
00:19:30.70\00:19:33.07
than to let him hurt
you like everyone else did.
00:19:33.10\00:19:35.14
You go into your
comfort zone again
00:19:35.17\00:19:36.50
and he'd say to me,
"Marie, we get along so well,
00:19:36.54\00:19:39.94
we pray together,
00:19:39.97\00:19:41.44
we talk about the Lord together,
00:19:41.48\00:19:42.84
we believe the same, he
wasn't even an Adventist,
00:19:42.88\00:19:44.71
knew about the Sabbath,
00:19:44.75\00:19:46.08
knew about the
state of the dead,
00:19:46.11\00:19:47.45
knew about how we..."
00:19:47.48\00:19:48.82
And I said, "How do
you know these things?"
00:19:48.85\00:19:50.19
He says, "I have a Bible."
00:19:50.22\00:19:52.65
And so the Lord
brought us together
00:19:52.69\00:19:54.19
so we could
learn from each other
00:19:54.22\00:19:55.89
so we could glean.
00:19:55.92\00:19:57.26
He has strengthened my
faith in his strengths,
00:19:57.29\00:20:00.50
and I have
strengthened his faith
00:20:00.53\00:20:02.30
and my strengths and
together we are not...
00:20:02.33\00:20:05.83
We glorify God
better together as a team.
00:20:05.87\00:20:08.44
People will always say,
00:20:08.47\00:20:10.01
"I want a
marriage like you guys."
00:20:10.04\00:20:11.61
I'm like, "What is that?"
00:20:11.64\00:20:12.97
You know, I had a horrible past
and I had a horrible marriage,
00:20:13.01\00:20:16.14
but God has blessed
me beyond everything
00:20:16.18\00:20:18.98
that I could
have picked for myself
00:20:19.01\00:20:20.58
and he would not have been
the person I would have picked.
00:20:20.62\00:20:22.88
He's completely opposite of me
00:20:22.92\00:20:24.62
and he's completely
opposite of the things
00:20:24.65\00:20:26.35
I would have picked in the past,
00:20:26.39\00:20:27.72
but God does know that, Shelley.
00:20:27.76\00:20:29.96
You know, and I just want to
point out one other thing here
00:20:29.99\00:20:32.79
because just because
God has selected a mate,
00:20:32.83\00:20:36.50
don't think that it's all going
to be roses in the beginning
00:20:36.53\00:20:39.77
because I remember
that our first year was
00:20:39.80\00:20:42.64
rather difficult actually.
00:20:42.67\00:20:44.61
And I think Satan
does everything he can
00:20:44.64\00:20:47.48
to try to break
up the family unit
00:20:47.51\00:20:49.34
because if you think
about it, the family unit,
00:20:49.38\00:20:52.38
that family is the smallest unit
00:20:52.41\00:20:53.92
of the church.
00:20:53.95\00:20:55.28
And if you can ruin the
family, you'll ruin the church.
00:20:55.32\00:20:58.92
So Satan is after the
family, but in choosing a mate,
00:20:58.95\00:21:04.23
if you're looking for
someone who is of like faith,
00:21:04.26\00:21:07.33
shares the same values.
00:21:07.36\00:21:10.43
You know, of course, you know,
00:21:10.47\00:21:11.80
I think personally
physical attractiveness is
00:21:11.83\00:21:13.80
something
that's important to me,
00:21:13.84\00:21:15.37
to many men.
00:21:15.40\00:21:16.74
But I think it's something
that as you go through here,
00:21:16.77\00:21:19.21
you know, that you share
00:21:19.24\00:21:22.04
or at least come to
agreement on hobbies, finances,
00:21:22.08\00:21:27.55
and I just want
to highly recommend,
00:21:27.58\00:21:30.02
not that I've done it, I
don't know if you did it,
00:21:30.05\00:21:31.95
but I really highly recommend,
00:21:31.99\00:21:33.49
if you're a
young person watching,
00:21:33.52\00:21:35.49
please before you get
married, go through counseling.
00:21:35.52\00:21:39.73
Premarital
counseling is critical
00:21:39.76\00:21:42.26
because often when we
say, we're in love with someone
00:21:42.30\00:21:44.73
when you just think, "Oh,
I can't live without them,
00:21:44.77\00:21:47.54
make my heartbeat patter."
00:21:47.57\00:21:49.30
And what it is, is
it a physical attraction
00:21:49.34\00:21:51.84
and sometimes in counseling
you'll find things out
00:21:51.87\00:21:54.04
that you'll sit
and suddenly say.
00:21:54.08\00:21:56.38
And I know because my husband
and I do a lot of counseling.
00:21:56.41\00:21:59.38
We've never had
counseling our self.
00:21:59.41\00:22:01.48
But we've seen
people who just sit up,
00:22:01.52\00:22:04.75
I mean, suddenly
they're paying attention
00:22:04.79\00:22:06.59
and thinking,
00:22:06.62\00:22:07.96
could I live with
this the rest of my life.
00:22:07.99\00:22:09.69
You know, I haven't
had counseling either,
00:22:09.72\00:22:11.53
but the books that I've
read gave such good, good advice
00:22:11.56\00:22:14.53
that I talk to youth,
and I talk to young people,
00:22:14.56\00:22:17.33
I talk to my friend who
just recently got married.
00:22:17.37\00:22:19.57
And I said to her,
"I got the best advice
00:22:19.60\00:22:23.74
through this book
and through the Bible."
00:22:23.77\00:22:25.94
Of course, the Bible is first,
00:22:25.97\00:22:27.48
and going to God is
always the best thing.
00:22:27.51\00:22:30.78
Always go to God first.
00:22:30.81\00:22:32.91
And what I would tell them
is there is always red flags.
00:22:32.95\00:22:36.95
You can date the
rest of your life,
00:22:36.99\00:22:39.35
but you want a soul mate.
00:22:39.39\00:22:41.06
If you want a soul mate,
consider God in all things.
00:22:41.09\00:22:44.39
And if you want to
date the rest of your life,
00:22:44.43\00:22:46.46
then you can go through
different people all the time,
00:22:46.49\00:22:49.13
but if you want a soul
mate, take your guidelines
00:22:49.16\00:22:52.67
and your desires for
a mate from the Bible
00:22:52.70\00:22:56.40
and write down
what's important to you,
00:22:56.44\00:22:58.04
those 10 things that
are important to you.
00:22:58.07\00:23:01.24
And if there's three red flags,
00:23:01.28\00:23:03.31
be done dating
them, you're done.
00:23:03.35\00:23:05.21
It's not going to
be a good marriage.
00:23:05.25\00:23:07.65
If there's two red flags,
this book particularly said,
00:23:07.68\00:23:11.75
"If there's two
bad flags be done."
00:23:11.79\00:23:14.36
Say, "You know,
I had a great time,
00:23:14.39\00:23:15.72
you're a wonderful person,
00:23:15.76\00:23:17.09
it's just not
going to work for us."
00:23:17.13\00:23:18.86
Why prolong the inevitable,
00:23:18.89\00:23:21.13
you know, and then
if there is one thing
00:23:21.16\00:23:23.26
and it's not on
the top of your list,
00:23:23.30\00:23:27.07
then you might be
able to work it through.
00:23:27.10\00:23:29.14
But more than one red flag,
this is what they're saying,
00:23:29.17\00:23:32.24
more than one red flag,
00:23:32.27\00:23:33.61
you're just headed for disaster,
00:23:33.64\00:23:34.98
and especially if
it's a biblical principle.
00:23:35.01\00:23:37.18
Oh, absolutely.
00:23:37.21\00:23:38.55
Especially, if you cannot
00:23:38.58\00:23:39.91
come to an agreement biblically,
00:23:39.95\00:23:41.98
you don't need to be married.
00:23:42.02\00:23:43.95
What were some of the things,
00:23:43.99\00:23:45.32
you mentioned this list
of 10 things and red flags,
00:23:45.35\00:23:48.86
if there are
several on here, even two,
00:23:48.89\00:23:52.69
that didn't
drive with your list.
00:23:52.73\00:23:55.60
What were some of the
things that were on your list?
00:23:55.63\00:23:58.53
Well, I prayed about
it and I went with God,
00:23:58.57\00:24:01.70
I didn't want to
just make a list.
00:24:01.74\00:24:04.17
So I said, "God, what
are the most important things
00:24:04.21\00:24:06.21
that I need in a man?"
00:24:06.24\00:24:08.31
And one was a sense of
humor, honesty, a faith in God.
00:24:08.34\00:24:14.78
Being a Christian was huge,
00:24:14.82\00:24:17.12
you know, that was
my number one thing.
00:24:17.15\00:24:19.82
They couldn't drink or smoke,
00:24:19.85\00:24:22.76
and they had to be stable,
00:24:22.79\00:24:27.10
they had to have
their own stability,
00:24:27.13\00:24:29.53
they didn't need to..."
00:24:29.56\00:24:30.90
I tended to make more money
than the men that I married
00:24:30.93\00:24:34.44
at different levels
of life or whatever.
00:24:34.47\00:24:37.67
And I didn't ever feel like
00:24:37.71\00:24:39.04
I really needed
a man financially,
00:24:39.07\00:24:40.91
but I wanted them to
have their own stability,
00:24:40.94\00:24:45.08
you know, I wanted them
to have their own stability,
00:24:45.11\00:24:47.08
and I can't remember
the other two or three
00:24:47.12\00:24:50.75
but those were
the huge ones for me.
00:24:50.79\00:24:52.95
But it's interesting to me
that you prayed to ask God,
00:24:52.99\00:24:56.42
I mean, there's some of those
that almost everyone would say,
00:24:56.46\00:24:58.96
"Yeah, I don't want someone
00:24:58.99\00:25:00.70
who's drinking or
who's on drugs or this."
00:25:00.73\00:25:03.20
But it's
interesting because I too agree.
00:25:03.23\00:25:05.67
I was engaged to someone once
00:25:05.70\00:25:07.24
that it wasn't till I
saw him with his family,
00:25:07.27\00:25:10.44
we'd been engaged six months
00:25:10.47\00:25:11.84
before I
actually met his family,
00:25:11.87\00:25:13.81
they'd been overseas.
00:25:13.84\00:25:15.18
And when I saw
him around his family,
00:25:15.21\00:25:18.31
he had a very
slapstick sense of humor
00:25:18.35\00:25:20.82
and he certainly,
it was repulsive to me
00:25:20.85\00:25:24.32
and I didn't, I found out
00:25:24.35\00:25:26.55
I wasn't really in love with him
00:25:26.59\00:25:27.92
I think as much as I was in love
00:25:27.96\00:25:29.49
with the idea of being in love.
00:25:29.52\00:25:31.86
Yeah. You know what I'm saying?
00:25:31.89\00:25:33.23
So it's important that
you do even seek God in that,
00:25:33.26\00:25:38.23
what do I need, Lord,
00:25:38.27\00:25:40.57
You know me
better than I know me.
00:25:40.60\00:25:41.94
That's right.
00:25:41.97\00:25:43.30
What do I need in
a man or a spouse?
00:25:43.34\00:25:46.51
And that was important to me.
00:25:46.54\00:25:47.88
It was important to me
that God helped me know
00:25:47.91\00:25:50.58
what I needed to grow,
not just all the choices
00:25:50.61\00:25:54.08
that I made in the
past, I didn't have a list,
00:25:54.12\00:25:55.82
I didn't have any real,
00:25:55.85\00:25:57.19
"Oh, well, if they're Christian,
00:25:57.22\00:25:58.55
you know,
everything will be fine,
00:25:58.59\00:25:59.92
or if he loves me."
00:25:59.95\00:26:01.29
Well, that's a myth, you know,
00:26:01.32\00:26:03.22
for all the
young people watching,
00:26:03.26\00:26:04.59
that's a myth.
00:26:04.63\00:26:05.96
If he loves me, he will.
00:26:05.99\00:26:07.33
You know, love has
been used so loosely
00:26:07.36\00:26:09.36
to say the least in
this world, in the society.
00:26:09.40\00:26:12.20
So a man can say
that he loves you
00:26:12.23\00:26:14.20
or a woman can say
that they love you.
00:26:14.24\00:26:16.67
But if they don't have
the same common values,
00:26:16.71\00:26:19.81
and the same principles,
and those things on that list,
00:26:19.84\00:26:24.68
if they don't have those,
you're going to be missing out
00:26:24.71\00:26:27.18
on a complete package
that God wants you to have.
00:26:27.22\00:26:29.92
And it sounds very simple
00:26:29.95\00:26:32.05
when it's just
the two of you think
00:26:32.09\00:26:33.46
you might overcome up as
soon as you have children
00:26:33.49\00:26:35.79
put into the picture that
the whole equation changes,
00:26:35.82\00:26:39.86
and it can be a mistake that
affects the rest of your life.
00:26:39.89\00:26:42.93
Well, I think that our viewers
have seen how important it is
00:26:42.96\00:26:48.40
just from your personal example,
00:26:48.44\00:26:49.80
how important it
is to seek God's will
00:26:49.84\00:26:52.91
for your spouse.
00:26:52.94\00:26:54.74
Seek the Lord, ask
Him who you should marry.
00:26:54.78\00:26:57.58
Let Him guide and direct you.
00:26:57.61\00:26:59.71
And we were saying
earlier, we'd rather,
00:26:59.75\00:27:02.15
both of us would rather be
single an additional 10 years
00:27:02.18\00:27:05.35
than to marry the wrong person.
00:27:05.39\00:27:07.46
Mary Fischer, thank you
so much for joining us today.
00:27:07.49\00:27:10.66
You know, we hope
that you'll come back.
00:27:10.69\00:27:12.03
We want to talk to you
about raising stepchildren,
00:27:12.06\00:27:15.40
10 children,
that's a lot of kids.
00:27:15.43\00:27:18.73
Blessings. Blessing.
00:27:18.77\00:27:20.97
Quiverful. Yes.
00:27:21.00\00:27:23.00
Well, for those of you at home,
00:27:23.04\00:27:24.94
I hope that this program is
making you think about things,
00:27:24.97\00:27:28.88
and some of you may have been
married for many, many years,
00:27:28.91\00:27:31.88
you were just
sitting her saying amen
00:27:31.91\00:27:33.62
to what we're doing.
00:27:33.65\00:27:34.98
But there's others who have
maybe grandchildren or children
00:27:35.02\00:27:37.95
who need to be reminded about
this topic how critical it is.
00:27:37.99\00:27:41.86
Our prayer is that the
grace of our Lord and Savior,
00:27:41.89\00:27:44.16
Jesus Christ, the
love of the Father
00:27:44.19\00:27:46.03
and the
fellowship of the Holy Spirit
00:27:46.06\00:27:47.70
will be with you always.
00:27:47.73\00:27:49.13
Thank you.
00:27:49.16\00:27:50.63