Hello, I am Shelley Quinn
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and we welcome you
to Issues and Answers.
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Today we're going to
be talking about something
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that is actually a very,
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it's a tender topic,
let me put it that way.
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But it is going to bring
relief to so many people.
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We will be talking about healing
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from sexual abuse.
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Now even if you've
not been sexually abused,
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there is
certainly within our church,
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within your neighborhood
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there are so many people
that you can reach out to
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that I would
recommend you watch this,
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so that you can be one
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who introduces people
to the healing process.
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Our special guest returning
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is Nicole Parker
and Nicole you are...
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have a master's degree
in biblical counseling.
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And on our last program
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you talked about your own abuse,
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the childhood
abuse you suffered,
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how that distorted
your picture of God
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made you fiercely independent
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where you didn't
want to trust on the Lord.
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Absolutely.
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But you also suffered
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from a great deal of
anxiety and depression
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and God brought
you out of all of that.
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Yes, what's amazing
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is that when you're in the midst
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of being very unhealthy,
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it feels totally
normal and healthy to you.
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And God is so gracious to us,
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He leads us gently
along the path of healing.
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Ooh wait, but I want to go
back to what you just said,
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when you're in the
midst of it this seems normal,
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it seems natural.
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When you're in a bad...
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If you're in a relationship
that you're getting battered
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and you're in the middle of it,
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it can seem like
this is a normal pattern.
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Or if you're in the
middle of this abuse
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and you're reacting
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with "Okay, I'm going
to take care of myself,"
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then this all seems very normal
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because you can't see
the forest for the trees.
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Exactly. Okay.
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In the midst of what I was going
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through even
though I was doing things
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that made no sense,
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you know, if
there was a man walking
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toward me on a sidewalk,
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I would get off the sidewalk
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and act like I
wanted to pick up a leaf
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or a dandelion or something
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so that he wouldn't
get close enough to me
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to trigger a panic attack
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and yet this was
just the way I lived.
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When I would stand in
line somewhere I'd make sure
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I was leaning against
something with my back protected
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because I knew if
someone walked behind me
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it might trigger a panic attack.
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Wow.
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But no one had any idea,
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you know, I was going to school
and laughing with my friends
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and spending time with people
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and I was just very
good at putting on the mask,
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but behind the mask was
something very different.
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And there were periods of time
that I cried myself to sleep
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every single
night for months on end
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because I didn't know
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how to deal with
the severe depression,
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the darkness
that just never left.
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But God broke
through and healed you
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of anxiety and depression.
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Yes, I don't
struggle with those things,
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now I won't say I'm not tempted
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but the devil
comes to me and says,
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"This is what you're worth,
this is how much you're loved,"
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and he lies, he
always has the same lies
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that he likes to
manufacture for us.
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So when the devil
comes to you to say,
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"This is what you're worth,"
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he is diminishing your
worth, he is diminishing you,
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but you know
that your value to God
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is that God gave His Son
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because He put
such a high value on you
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and you are worth
nothing less than the price
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He paid for you
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with the precious
blood of Jesus Christ.
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That's right.
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You see all the
devil's temptations
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are temptations
toward unbelief and pride.
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That's always the root of
whatever fruit is manifest
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in our lives that
the devil's working.
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Unbelief in the
character of God.
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Right, unbelief in
the character of God.
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So if the devil
comes to me and says,
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you never do anything right.
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What that really
means is you are worthless
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unless you accomplish things,
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unless you achieve
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and I have to meet
it with the Word of God.
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God says, I am
priceless in His sight.
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Amen.
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He says He has
created me in His image
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and redeemed me by His blood.
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These are the
measures of my worth.
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When you meet the devil's
lies with that kind of truth,
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the temptations melt away.
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Now I've counseled
with so many people
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that in five or ten minutes
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of repeating the
devil's lies to themselves,
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they'll send
themselves spiraling.
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It may take them weeks or months
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to recover from that
spiral because of course,
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once you spiral down
into it it's so much easier
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just to stay at
the bottom of that pit.
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Now, and let me be
more specific there
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because I think I
understand what you're saying
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is that when you
believe the devil's lies,
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this is just five
minutes of mistrusting God
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is what you're saying.
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Right.
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Five minutes of
thinking something that isn't,
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that doesn't align itself
with the true character of God.
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If you start thinking well,
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God doesn't really
love me He plays favorites,
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I'm this, I'm that, yes,
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that is we know Satan
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but if that's
your thought process
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it only takes five minutes
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of that to plunge
someone into a depression
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that can last weeks or months.
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Right.
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You start down the slide,
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you don't know
where you're gonna end up
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but you know
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it's always gonna
be a lot worse than you
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thought you would
when you started out.
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Yeah.
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Temptation is
always on the thought level
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because the
battle is for the heart.
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The Bible makes it clear,
God is always after the heart.
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He's not after us
behaving correctly.
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Behavior follows our hearts.
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So the devil's
always gonna attack us
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in our thought life first,
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he's going to say,
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"God is not
good, God is not love,
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God doesn't love
you," what really he says...
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Or he's going to say
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as with my case
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that God doesn't save,
you have to save yourself.
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You have to be
perfect to be loved by God
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and then that is something
when you believe that then,
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you know, I
counsel with so many people
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who feel like,
"Oh, if I could only,
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you know, I'm not
good enough for God.
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I don't know if
I'm gonna be ready
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for the second return."
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And they'll never just surrender
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and allow God to
work in them to will
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and to act according
to His good pleasure.
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It's always a battle
about the character of God.
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Is He really who He
says He is in His Word.
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Right.
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Or is He who I feel He is
or is He who the circumstances
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of my life seem to
indicate that He is.
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The faith heroes of
scripture like Joseph and Moses,
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they were people who
said, "God is who He says He is,
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no matter what my
circumstances seem to say."
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Amen. "I'm going to follow Him."
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And so the battles
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that we go through
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even the things that
aren't the will of God,
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abuse,
addiction, terrible things
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that happen to
people in this world,
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things that
aren't the will of God
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become opportunities for
us to become faith heroes.
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Amen.
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And, you know,
I'm just sitting here,
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it's just really
resonating with me
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because I think how
important it is for us
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to get the truth out
about the nature of God
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because I do know one thing,
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I grew up believing that
God was worse than Hitler,
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worse than the torture of Hitler
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that He was going
to burn us eternally,
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constantly this burning hell
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that we would never escape from.
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So I always kept
God at arm's length
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because of that,
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so that is when
Satan creates a lie
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and something that the church
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then even actually
propagates the lie,
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boy, you're setting
people up for all of this.
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So...
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That's right.
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Now he is, we
know that sin destroys
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any kind of a
healthy relationship
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we can have with God.
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And you're saying that actually
this anxiety and depression
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is because we're
believing a lie about God,
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so our unbelief
leads us then to pride,
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trying to do
something for our self
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which damages the
relationship with God.
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Now how does someone...
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if someone
particularly has suffered,
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there's probably
not a more personal...
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I don't know how to say
this, personal is a word,
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a personal
affront or sin against,
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committed against someone
than sexual abuse, that is...
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That's right.
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That violates
someone as far as sins
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that are committed against
us that violates us in a way
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that cannot be explained
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unless you have
suffered through it.
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How does someone who
has suffered this abuse,
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what is the
process to overcoming
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this unbelief, to overcoming...
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How do they connect
with God for healing?
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You know I...
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This is why I'm so passionate
about biblical counseling
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because I have discovered
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that the gospel heals any heart
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from any kind of effective sin.
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The true gospel.
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The true gospel and the
gospel is that God is love
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that when we really grasp
that He is love, by His love,
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love will be
awakened in our hearts.
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The love of God is
simple, love God first,
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love your neighbor as
yourself but no one can love God
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if they believe
that He is an evil,
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hateful, horrible being.
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Yes.
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So as we
understand the love of God
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that awakens love
in our hearts for Him
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and, you know,
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sin wherever it touches
is a breaker of relationship.
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It destroys our relationship
with God by unbelief about Him.
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If I cannot believe
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He is who He says
He is in His Word,
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then I'm going to
create a monster in some way
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and then I cannot worship Him.
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But, you know, Nicole, isn't
the first step to healing...
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For you it had to be,
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you know, you
blocked it off and I mean,
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and often we'll hear
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that when something
truly traumatic happens.
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It's like your
memory is cocooned somewhere
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and it will
sometimes be totally blocked
00:10:02.80\00:10:04.63
because it's too
traumatic to deal with.
00:10:04.67\00:10:07.37
Now the first step
though is in reaching that,
00:10:07.40\00:10:10.94
admitting your pain
and brokenness, isn't it?
00:10:10.97\00:10:13.48
Yes and that,
that happens naturally
00:10:13.51\00:10:16.44
when we grasp
the character of God.
00:10:16.48\00:10:17.81
Okay.
00:10:17.85\00:10:19.18
The more that I can believe
that God is who He says He is,
00:10:19.21\00:10:22.12
the more I can
relax my grip on my life
00:10:22.15\00:10:25.85
and I can say maybe
he can take care of it.
00:10:25.89\00:10:28.22
You see
depression and anxiety happen
00:10:28.26\00:10:31.39
because they're rooted
in our unbelief and pride.
00:10:31.43\00:10:34.30
If I can't believe
00:10:34.33\00:10:35.66
that I'm really
deeply, totally loved,
00:10:35.70\00:10:38.77
I'm going to be depressed
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and I'm going to be an idolater
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looking for somebody somewhere
who can make me feel loved
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or something that can
help me escape temporarily
00:10:44.81\00:10:47.58
from that sense
of being unloved.
00:10:47.61\00:10:49.58
So when you say idolatry,
00:10:49.61\00:10:50.95
you're gonna find something
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to put in place
of God in your life.
00:10:52.35\00:10:53.85
Right, because we
have two great cravings,
00:10:53.88\00:10:56.72
every human soul does,
00:10:56.75\00:10:58.29
to be loved and
to be worthwhile.
00:10:58.32\00:11:01.22
If I don't have any value,
00:11:01.26\00:11:02.99
I'm going to
try to achieve value
00:11:03.02\00:11:05.29
by my works, by
my accomplishments,
00:11:05.33\00:11:07.83
by my perfection,
by my workaholism,
00:11:07.86\00:11:10.23
whatever it is,
but it's really rooted
00:11:10.27\00:11:13.27
in my inability to
believe that God says, "Wow!
00:11:13.30\00:11:16.97
You are my
daughter, you are my son.
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I love you like
there's nobody else
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in the universe
for me to even notice.
00:11:20.78\00:11:23.01
You have no
idea how I love you."
00:11:23.04\00:11:24.91
When I grasp that
00:11:24.95\00:11:26.28
and this is the
eternal process of the gospel,
00:11:26.31\00:11:28.52
grasping over and
over how much He loves us,
00:11:28.55\00:11:30.62
how much we're worth,
00:11:30.65\00:11:31.99
those two things are revealed
00:11:32.02\00:11:34.09
in the two great
themes of the Bible
00:11:34.12\00:11:35.82
creation and redemption,
00:11:35.86\00:11:37.23
that He created me in
His image and He recreates me
00:11:37.26\00:11:40.33
in His image every
time I surrender to Him.
00:11:40.36\00:11:41.80
Amen.
00:11:41.83\00:11:43.16
You know, I'm glad you said that
00:11:43.20\00:11:44.53
because as you're
talking about this
00:11:44.57\00:11:47.27
"Wow, God loves me,"
00:11:47.30\00:11:48.64
I know that there's someone
out there watching right now
00:11:48.67\00:11:51.47
or listening on the
radio who is saying,
00:11:51.51\00:11:55.01
"That's not true,
you know, He may love her
00:11:55.04\00:11:58.01
but He doesn't love me."
00:11:58.05\00:11:59.38
And that's the
lie that he tells us.
00:11:59.41\00:12:00.75
And that's exactly
00:12:00.78\00:12:02.12
what we're talking
to right now, isn't it?
00:12:02.15\00:12:04.42
So how did you get to that point
00:12:04.45\00:12:06.59
of was it just,
00:12:06.62\00:12:08.56
I know last time
00:12:08.59\00:12:09.92
you mentioned reading
the book the Desire of Ages.
00:12:09.96\00:12:12.99
Yes, that was this
single transformative book
00:12:13.03\00:12:15.96
that turned me around.
00:12:16.00\00:12:17.33
I read the Bible
00:12:17.37\00:12:18.70
but my misperceptions
of the character of God
00:12:18.73\00:12:20.27
were so strong
00:12:20.30\00:12:21.64
that I couldn't
even see Him in there.
00:12:21.67\00:12:23.57
When I read the Desire of Ages
00:12:23.61\00:12:25.07
that pulled together the gospels
00:12:25.11\00:12:26.54
into one single
story of the life of Jesus
00:12:26.57\00:12:29.18
and showed me His love
that was when I thought,
00:12:29.21\00:12:32.21
"This is a God I could love,
this is a God I could trust."
00:12:32.25\00:12:35.15
And that was the
turning point for me.
00:12:35.18\00:12:36.99
As I started reading that book,
00:12:37.02\00:12:38.89
I also started
understanding in new ways
00:12:38.92\00:12:41.59
how the
scriptures apply to my life
00:12:41.62\00:12:43.79
and the Bible
became a book of color
00:12:43.83\00:12:46.76
where before it was
just black and white for me.
00:12:46.80\00:12:48.96
Oh, that's good.
00:12:49.00\00:12:50.33
But how did you...
00:12:50.37\00:12:52.07
So the Desire of
Ages, you can tell
00:12:52.10\00:12:54.54
that we highly recommend
the book the Desire of Ages,
00:12:54.57\00:12:57.17
it was written by
the author Ellen White
00:12:57.21\00:12:59.71
and this is a book
on the life of Christ
00:12:59.74\00:13:01.74
and it is, again, we
hear so many testimonies
00:13:01.78\00:13:04.71
of how God has used that
book to as a turning point.
00:13:04.75\00:13:09.18
But let me ask
this, how did you then...
00:13:09.22\00:13:12.52
Okay, you begin to
see God who He really is.
00:13:12.55\00:13:17.53
How did you overcome
the guilt and the shame?
00:13:17.56\00:13:21.93
You know, guilt and
shame are two different things
00:13:21.96\00:13:24.93
that feel very much the same.
00:13:24.97\00:13:28.84
When we are abused
00:13:28.87\00:13:30.71
we have a sense of
shame that I'm dirty.
00:13:30.74\00:13:34.91
And guilt is a
legitimate message
00:13:34.94\00:13:37.21
from God saying,
"You have sinned.
00:13:37.25\00:13:38.71
There's something
standing between you and me,
00:13:38.75\00:13:41.02
let me get it out of the way
00:13:41.05\00:13:42.38
so you and I
can be close again,"
00:13:42.42\00:13:43.75
that's guilt.
00:13:43.79\00:13:45.12
So guilt is a healthy thing.
00:13:45.15\00:13:46.49
It's a message of hope from God
saying we can get rid of this,
00:13:46.52\00:13:48.52
you can be pure any moment
that you give me your sin,
00:13:48.56\00:13:51.53
let me cover you
with My righteousness.
00:13:51.56\00:13:54.16
Shame though is
much more insidious.
00:13:54.20\00:13:56.33
It's a message of the devil,
00:13:56.36\00:13:57.83
it says, "You are
defiled, you are so dirty
00:13:57.87\00:14:01.60
that not even the blood of Jesus
00:14:01.64\00:14:03.44
can cleanse you."
00:14:03.47\00:14:04.97
This is where we
need the promises of God
00:14:05.01\00:14:07.24
to battle both guilt and shame.
00:14:07.28\00:14:10.15
Guilt, we can
meet with 1 John 1:9,
00:14:10.18\00:14:13.21
"If we confess our sins,
00:14:13.25\00:14:14.58
He is faithful
00:14:14.62\00:14:15.95
and just to
forgive us of our sins
00:14:15.98\00:14:17.32
and to cleanse us
from all unrighteousness."
00:14:17.35\00:14:19.55
Guilt is a
message that drives me
00:14:19.59\00:14:22.29
to my knees,
00:14:22.32\00:14:23.66
a message of hope that says
00:14:23.69\00:14:25.03
come and
surrender this to Jesus.
00:14:25.06\00:14:26.39
So guilt is when the Holy Spirit
00:14:26.43\00:14:28.96
is convicting you
of the sin in your life
00:14:29.00\00:14:32.23
and offering you a godly sorrow.
00:14:32.27\00:14:37.44
Right. Okay.
00:14:37.47\00:14:38.81
And offering to cover
me with His righteousness.
00:14:38.84\00:14:40.44
Yes, so that's where...
00:14:40.48\00:14:41.81
Now, sexual abuse often
leads to sexual addiction
00:14:41.84\00:14:44.48
and to obsession with sex
and unhealthy other behaviors.
00:14:44.51\00:14:47.42
There's a whole slew
of behaviors and attitudes
00:14:47.45\00:14:50.55
that come as a result.
00:14:50.59\00:14:51.92
When I'm sinned against,
00:14:51.95\00:14:53.29
I have a natural sinful response
00:14:53.32\00:14:54.82
to want to sin back
00:14:54.86\00:14:56.19
and that sin is
gonna cause brokenness
00:14:56.22\00:14:57.79
in every area of
my life it touches.
00:14:57.83\00:14:59.93
But righteousness
is the opposite of sin.
00:14:59.96\00:15:03.23
Sin is the
breaking of God's law,
00:15:03.26\00:15:04.83
the law that says to
love Him and to love others.
00:15:04.87\00:15:06.97
Righteousness is the healing,
00:15:07.00\00:15:09.20
the ability to
love God after all
00:15:09.24\00:15:11.11
and then to love others,
00:15:11.14\00:15:12.47
so righteousness
comes in a like a flood
00:15:12.51\00:15:14.44
and heals everything it touches.
00:15:14.48\00:15:17.35
And in righteousness
God shows us what He's like.
00:15:17.38\00:15:21.48
So guilt is a message saying
00:15:21.52\00:15:23.05
that righteousness
of Jesus will cover you.
00:15:23.08\00:15:25.29
When I go to my
knees and I pray,
00:15:25.32\00:15:27.56
I must believe
the promise of God,
00:15:27.59\00:15:29.36
He says in His Word
00:15:29.39\00:15:30.73
that He cleanses me
if I confess and repent.
00:15:30.76\00:15:33.70
So when I stand
up from my knees,
00:15:33.73\00:15:35.73
I am pure as
though I had never sinned.
00:15:35.76\00:15:38.13
Shame is what
comes in right then,
00:15:38.17\00:15:40.67
shame is a lie from the devil,
it's a message of hopelessness.
00:15:40.70\00:15:43.61
It says, "Not even the
blood of Jesus can cover you."
00:15:43.64\00:15:46.68
But then shame
offers its own hope,
00:15:46.71\00:15:48.24
it says, "But there's good news,
00:15:48.28\00:15:49.68
you can atone
00:15:49.71\00:15:51.05
if you'll supplement
the righteousness of Christ
00:15:51.08\00:15:52.91
with your own sacrifice,"
00:15:52.95\00:15:54.88
so those who have sin...
00:15:54.92\00:15:56.25
That's the lie of the devil.
00:15:56.28\00:15:57.62
Will come back
and either they'll go,
00:15:57.65\00:15:59.09
"There's no use,
00:15:59.12\00:16:00.46
there's no hope
for somebody like me,"
00:16:00.49\00:16:01.89
or they'll go,
"Maybe I can achieve it,
00:16:01.92\00:16:03.39
maybe if I study the Bible more,
00:16:03.43\00:16:05.16
maybe if I pray harder,
00:16:05.19\00:16:06.53
maybe if I go out
and do good works,
00:16:06.56\00:16:08.60
I will atone."
00:16:08.63\00:16:09.96
Or if I pray
and pray for a while
00:16:10.00\00:16:11.50
and eventually I
start feeling like
00:16:11.53\00:16:13.70
I've crawled back
to God and He's going,
00:16:13.74\00:16:15.07
"All right, all right,
00:16:15.10\00:16:16.44
I'll let you in this
time but don't do it again."
00:16:16.47\00:16:18.64
When I come back to
God with that sense,
00:16:18.67\00:16:21.04
I've already crippled
my relationship with Him
00:16:21.08\00:16:24.08
because I've atoned for my sin.
00:16:24.11\00:16:25.91
It's pride.
00:16:25.95\00:16:27.28
I want to add one
little caveat here
00:16:27.32\00:16:29.35
as a qualifier if
you will that praying
00:16:29.38\00:16:33.32
more, reading,
studying the Bible more
00:16:33.36\00:16:35.29
it's not bad thing,
we're not saying that.
00:16:35.32\00:16:36.66
Oh, no, they're wonderful.
00:16:36.69\00:16:38.03
It's if you are trying
to atone for your own sin,
00:16:38.06\00:16:42.26
if you are trying to,
00:16:42.30\00:16:45.63
if you think it's meritorious
that by doing these things
00:16:45.67\00:16:48.74
you're gaining ground with God
00:16:48.77\00:16:52.14
as a merit badge
that's when it's,
00:16:52.17\00:16:55.88
it's really something that,
you're becoming your own god.
00:16:55.91\00:17:00.72
Because the battle
is always for the heart.
00:17:00.75\00:17:02.15
Right.
00:17:02.18\00:17:03.52
It's not about behavior,
00:17:03.55\00:17:04.89
I can do the right
thing for the wrong reason
00:17:04.92\00:17:06.25
and it's the wrong thing.
00:17:06.29\00:17:07.62
So if I am studying and praying
in order to achieve God saying,
00:17:07.66\00:17:11.59
"I don't want to have
anything to do with it.
00:17:11.63\00:17:12.96
All right, all right,
all right, I guess I will."
00:17:12.99\00:17:14.36
Okay. I'm doing the wrong thing.
00:17:14.40\00:17:16.06
If I'm studying and praying
00:17:16.10\00:17:17.47
because I want to
connect more deeply
00:17:17.50\00:17:19.23
with the God of love,
00:17:19.27\00:17:20.94
then that's when
His righteousness
00:17:20.97\00:17:22.97
can cleanse me and heal me.
00:17:23.00\00:17:25.41
So studying the Bible
and praying were the things
00:17:25.44\00:17:28.14
that pulled me
out of my brokenness,
00:17:28.18\00:17:30.15
that healed me
00:17:30.18\00:17:31.51
and that brought
me close to Christ
00:17:31.55\00:17:32.88
because they were the ways
00:17:32.91\00:17:34.25
that I finally
understood that God was really
00:17:34.28\00:17:35.62
who He says He is in His Word
00:17:35.65\00:17:36.99
and not who I felt He was
00:17:37.02\00:17:38.35
and who my circumstances
seem to indicate He was.
00:17:38.39\00:17:40.36
Amen.
00:17:40.39\00:17:41.72
But now once you've
gotten to that point
00:17:41.76\00:17:44.33
where you've
dealt with the shame,
00:17:44.36\00:17:46.09
I mean, you
recognized the problem,
00:17:46.13\00:17:47.86
admitted the problem, you
have dealt with the shame.
00:17:47.90\00:17:51.80
How did you get, because to me
I think in the healing process,
00:17:51.83\00:17:55.34
forgiveness is critical.
00:17:55.37\00:17:57.41
Yes.
00:17:57.44\00:17:58.77
If you hold on to unforgiveness,
00:17:58.81\00:18:01.01
the life of the Spirit
cannot flow through you
00:18:01.04\00:18:05.71
and you become
bitter and resentful.
00:18:05.75\00:18:08.38
How did you get to
that point of forgiveness?
00:18:08.42\00:18:12.59
You know, Hosea 2
has a beautiful passage
00:18:12.62\00:18:16.73
where it talks about
00:18:16.76\00:18:19.43
how God takes us
to the valley of Achor
00:18:19.46\00:18:23.73
and it becomes the
door of hope for us.
00:18:23.77\00:18:27.04
And the valley of
Achor when you look at up,
00:18:27.07\00:18:30.34
Achor means trouble.
00:18:30.37\00:18:32.04
It's the valley of trouble
00:18:32.07\00:18:33.81
that brings us
to the door of hope.
00:18:33.84\00:18:36.34
Now when I studied
the valley of Achor,
00:18:36.38\00:18:38.05
I realized what had
happened in the valley of Achor.
00:18:38.08\00:18:40.55
Achor is where Achan was stoned,
00:18:40.58\00:18:43.42
and for me that
was so liberating.
00:18:43.45\00:18:45.92
Here is a man who sinned,
who sneaked into Jericho,
00:18:45.95\00:18:49.62
took garments
and gold for himself
00:18:49.66\00:18:51.36
and hid them in
the floor of his tent
00:18:51.39\00:18:53.33
and because of that
other people suffered
00:18:53.36\00:18:55.76
when they went to
battle with the...
00:18:55.80\00:18:57.43
at the City of Ai,
they were defeated,
00:18:57.47\00:18:59.93
it was unfair.
00:18:59.97\00:19:01.44
Achan sinned
and others suffered.
00:19:01.47\00:19:03.91
Achan's sin was...
00:19:03.94\00:19:05.87
He went exactly
against the counsel of God.
00:19:08.94\00:19:12.45
Exactly.
00:19:12.48\00:19:13.82
Achan's sin was where
he defied the will of God.
00:19:13.85\00:19:16.65
That's what the
word I was looking for.
00:19:16.69\00:19:18.02
And what happened in that story
00:19:18.05\00:19:20.12
is others were
affected by Achan's sin.
00:19:20.16\00:19:23.06
Now I don't believe
00:19:23.09\00:19:24.43
that the
children of Israel stoned
00:19:24.46\00:19:25.79
Achan's whole family
00:19:25.83\00:19:27.16
because Achan was
the only one who sinned,
00:19:27.20\00:19:29.10
all the rest of the
family had to have known
00:19:29.13\00:19:30.60
that was hidden in
the floor of their tent.
00:19:30.63\00:19:31.97
Yes.
00:19:32.00\00:19:33.34
Otherwise they could have,
they could have been spared.
00:19:33.37\00:19:36.20
But what happened
with the story of Achan
00:19:36.24\00:19:38.07
is that innocent
people did suffer
00:19:38.11\00:19:40.18
and this is what
happens in abuse.
00:19:40.21\00:19:41.64
Someone else sins against
me but I'm the one who suffers.
00:19:41.68\00:19:44.75
If you take a
knife and you cut my arm,
00:19:44.78\00:19:47.15
you sinned but I suffer.
00:19:47.18\00:19:48.52
Right.
00:19:48.55\00:19:49.88
This is what happens with abuse.
00:19:49.92\00:19:51.25
But the problem
00:19:51.29\00:19:52.62
is when someone sins against me,
00:19:52.65\00:19:53.99
I want to cover it,
00:19:54.02\00:19:55.36
I want to pretend
like it didn't happen
00:19:55.39\00:19:56.96
and sin festers.
00:19:56.99\00:19:58.96
We're always
systemically infected with sin
00:19:58.99\00:20:02.26
because we are sinners,
it's just in our natures.
00:20:02.30\00:20:05.13
All of us have sinned
00:20:05.17\00:20:06.50
and come short of the
righteousness of Christ.
00:20:06.53\00:20:08.40
So that wound
00:20:08.44\00:20:09.77
that someone
else sins against me
00:20:09.80\00:20:11.27
is going to fester
00:20:11.31\00:20:12.67
and I'm going to
refuse to forgive you
00:20:12.71\00:20:15.14
when I'm wounded
00:20:15.18\00:20:16.54
but that
infection starts happening
00:20:16.58\00:20:18.31
that's my sin of
when I'm wounded response.
00:20:18.35\00:20:20.08
You know, the principles
of healing emotionally
00:20:20.12\00:20:23.18
and healing physically
work exactly the same.
00:20:23.22\00:20:25.42
We can follow that
as a general guideline
00:20:25.45\00:20:27.16
when we're wanting to
find emotional healing.
00:20:27.19\00:20:29.12
If there is some sin
00:20:29.16\00:20:30.63
that someone else has
done against me 10 years ago,
00:20:30.66\00:20:33.60
someone cut me with a knife
00:20:33.63\00:20:35.06
but 10 years later
you come over and say,
00:20:35.10\00:20:36.43
"What's wrong with your arm?"
00:20:36.46\00:20:37.80
"Oh, you can't
come close to that."
00:20:37.83\00:20:39.73
It's not because
00:20:39.77\00:20:41.10
this is gone through a
normal process of healing,
00:20:41.14\00:20:43.24
there's
infection, there's festering.
00:20:43.27\00:20:45.37
And what you're
saying essentially
00:20:45.41\00:20:47.01
is that unforgiveness is a sin.
00:20:47.04\00:20:49.18
Unforgiveness is a sin.
00:20:49.21\00:20:50.58
It doesn't mean that God
says, "You haven't forgiven,
00:20:50.61\00:20:52.78
I'm not going to
let you into heaven,"
00:20:52.81\00:20:54.48
just like if I live in fear,
00:20:54.52\00:20:56.35
fear is a sin and
that it separates me
00:20:56.38\00:20:58.52
from the peace that
God wants me to have,
00:20:58.55\00:21:00.96
but it doesn't
mean that God says
00:21:00.99\00:21:02.32
to a five year old
who's living cringing in fear
00:21:02.36\00:21:04.43
because they've been abused,
00:21:04.46\00:21:05.79
"I'm not letting
you into heaven,"
00:21:05.83\00:21:07.16
rather God is appealing
to us," Let me have it.
00:21:07.20\00:21:10.07
Let me lance that wound.
00:21:10.10\00:21:11.63
Let me heal you
from the inside out
00:21:11.67\00:21:13.64
and then all
you'll have is the scar,
00:21:13.67\00:21:15.47
it won't hurt anymore."
00:21:15.50\00:21:17.07
When I studied
the story of Achan,
00:21:17.11\00:21:19.07
I realized, "Wow,
God will deal justly.
00:21:19.11\00:21:24.58
I don't have to."
00:21:24.61\00:21:25.95
Here I was living
in constant anguish
00:21:25.98\00:21:29.52
because my
abuser was already dead.
00:21:29.55\00:21:31.89
Every day I was
tortured by the sense
00:21:31.92\00:21:33.82
it was as though his
bony hand was reaching out
00:21:33.86\00:21:36.16
from the grave and
gripping me everywhere I went,
00:21:36.19\00:21:38.13
I was suffering he had sinned
00:21:38.16\00:21:40.20
but he got off
scot-free, he never apologized,
00:21:40.23\00:21:42.70
never made things right
00:21:42.73\00:21:44.47
and I felt I needed to
somehow hold on to his injustice
00:21:44.50\00:21:48.47
because nobody
would ever fix it.
00:21:48.50\00:21:50.11
Right.
00:21:50.14\00:21:51.47
But the story of
Achan set me free.
00:21:51.51\00:21:53.58
I realized he doesn't
have a grip on me anymore.
00:21:53.61\00:21:56.61
I don't have to
try to punish him
00:21:56.64\00:21:58.11
for what he did to me.
00:21:58.15\00:21:59.71
God will deal justly
00:21:59.75\00:22:01.08
and God will be
much more effective
00:22:01.12\00:22:02.92
at dealing with
him than I ever could.
00:22:02.95\00:22:05.02
What I was doing
in effect was saying,
00:22:05.05\00:22:07.36
"I hate what the
devil has done to me
00:22:07.39\00:22:09.22
in such an intense way
00:22:09.26\00:22:12.03
that I'm going to join
his side and fight in his army
00:22:12.06\00:22:14.80
and do everything I
can to help his cause win,"
00:22:14.83\00:22:17.80
and I realized let it go.
00:22:17.83\00:22:19.17
Let it go
00:22:19.20\00:22:20.54
because God will be
just and I can let go.
00:22:20.57\00:22:24.21
I can leave the justice to Him.
00:22:24.24\00:22:26.44
That opened up
00:22:26.47\00:22:27.81
the power of forgiveness to me,
00:22:27.84\00:22:29.18
and today I don't
have to live in anger,
00:22:29.21\00:22:31.28
I don't have to
live in bitterness.
00:22:31.31\00:22:33.08
That poison no
longer affects me, I'm free.
00:22:33.11\00:22:36.38
He'll deal, God will deal justly
00:22:36.42\00:22:38.99
with abusers.
00:22:39.02\00:22:40.36
So essentially
it was understanding
00:22:40.39\00:22:42.76
the great
controversy that there is,
00:22:42.79\00:22:46.09
there is a great
battle between good and evil,
00:22:46.13\00:22:50.80
between God and Satan.
00:22:50.83\00:22:52.53
This is where you began
00:22:52.57\00:22:55.97
to really be able to let go
00:22:56.00\00:23:01.04
of the insults and the sins
00:23:01.08\00:23:05.05
that were committed against you.
00:23:05.08\00:23:06.41
Your aim is to forgive.
00:23:06.45\00:23:07.78
You see what the
Bible does for us
00:23:07.82\00:23:09.15
is it helps us zoom out
00:23:09.18\00:23:11.15
to get the bigger
picture, God's picture.
00:23:11.19\00:23:13.92
In the midst of things
00:23:13.96\00:23:15.29
when we're suffering
from abuse and injustice,
00:23:15.32\00:23:17.86
we're just trying to survive,
00:23:17.89\00:23:19.23
we're trying to keep
our heads above water
00:23:19.26\00:23:20.60
and we're just going,
"God, this makes no sense."
00:23:20.63\00:23:23.00
God helps us to zoom out
00:23:23.03\00:23:24.83
to look down at the big picture
and say, "God's got this.
00:23:24.87\00:23:28.57
He's gonna make things right."
00:23:28.60\00:23:30.71
Satan has come in like a
flood and has destroyed my life
00:23:30.74\00:23:35.88
and everyone's lives,
00:23:35.91\00:23:37.25
all of us are suffering
from the effects of sin,
00:23:37.28\00:23:39.58
but whenever I hand that to God,
00:23:39.61\00:23:41.18
whenever I say,
"Here is my wound,
00:23:41.22\00:23:43.55
do whatever you
need to do, lance it,
00:23:43.59\00:23:45.15
get the garbage out,
00:23:45.19\00:23:46.52
put in the antibiotic
of Your Word, heal me."
00:23:46.55\00:23:50.33
He does, and it's a process,
it's not an event generally.
00:23:50.36\00:23:54.23
We see in the
gospels Jesus healed people
00:23:54.26\00:23:56.77
by touching them
and they were healed
00:23:56.80\00:23:58.27
but that's not
usually how healing works.
00:23:58.30\00:24:00.40
No, there were other ways
00:24:00.44\00:24:01.77
where He put the
salve on the man's eyes,
00:24:01.80\00:24:03.47
made him go wash,
there is a process.
00:24:03.51\00:24:04.84
In many places in
scripture we hear,
00:24:04.87\00:24:07.91
we see that healing is a process
00:24:07.94\00:24:09.71
and certainly in
the illustrations
00:24:09.74\00:24:11.78
of how our bodies heal
and how our minds heal.
00:24:11.81\00:24:13.95
Right.
00:24:13.98\00:24:15.32
You know, no
matter how much I pray,
00:24:15.35\00:24:16.69
if I have a broken leg
00:24:16.72\00:24:18.05
I'm probably
gonna get put in a cast
00:24:18.09\00:24:19.42
and I'm going to
take some time off of it.
00:24:19.45\00:24:20.79
Absolutely, I love
that you said that.
00:24:20.82\00:24:22.46
We have to understand sometimes
there's a process of grieving
00:24:22.49\00:24:26.70
and it's
necessary, it's healing.
00:24:26.73\00:24:28.73
One of the turning points for me
00:24:28.76\00:24:30.37
was when I finally
went to a counselor
00:24:30.40\00:24:32.07
when I was
probably about 24 years old
00:24:32.10\00:24:34.70
which was miraculous.
00:24:34.74\00:24:36.07
I would never have gone
to a counselor on my own,
00:24:36.10\00:24:38.27
but one of my
friends just got me there.
00:24:38.31\00:24:41.04
It was sheer miracles of God.
00:24:41.08\00:24:43.35
And when I talked
00:24:43.38\00:24:44.71
it was the look
on this man's face,
00:24:44.75\00:24:46.08
he said, "You
have really suffered."
00:24:46.11\00:24:48.45
It gave me permission to grieve.
00:24:48.48\00:24:49.95
All this time I've
been telling myself,
00:24:49.98\00:24:51.49
"You're just making a
big deal about nothing.
00:24:51.52\00:24:53.56
You just need
to get on with life
00:24:53.59\00:24:54.92
and stop thinking about it,"
00:24:54.96\00:24:56.29
but I couldn't shake
the anxiety, the depression.
00:24:56.32\00:24:58.39
the things that had...
00:24:58.43\00:24:59.76
The Lord was
healing me bit by bit
00:24:59.79\00:25:01.53
but I still lived in fear.
00:25:01.56\00:25:04.40
I could never get married,
I could never have a family,
00:25:04.43\00:25:07.17
I could never let somebody
hold my little girl's hand
00:25:07.20\00:25:10.34
because I would be so
consumed with fear and anger.
00:25:10.37\00:25:13.74
But when I finally
grasped, it's okay to grieve,
00:25:13.78\00:25:16.51
it's okay to let go,
00:25:16.54\00:25:17.88
it's okay to
admit what happened,
00:25:17.91\00:25:20.28
that was when my leg
00:25:20.32\00:25:21.65
was as if it was
finally put into a cast,
00:25:21.68\00:25:24.19
the break was set
properly and I could begin...
00:25:24.22\00:25:27.72
And they were still,
00:25:27.76\00:25:29.09
still that time
of healing though,
00:25:29.12\00:25:32.09
I mean that was the...
00:25:32.13\00:25:33.93
It was a segue if you will
00:25:33.96\00:25:35.36
or it was the point
at which there you began
00:25:35.40\00:25:39.17
but it still took some time.
00:25:39.20\00:25:40.54
You know, there's...
00:25:40.57\00:25:41.90
That's one thing.
00:25:41.94\00:25:43.27
Sometimes people think that pain
00:25:43.30\00:25:45.11
as soon as we know truth
00:25:45.14\00:25:46.47
that pain will
immediately go away,
00:25:46.51\00:25:48.94
the physical pain
was gone from your life
00:25:48.98\00:25:50.81
but the
emotional and mental pain
00:25:50.85\00:25:52.91
took some while, a
while, you know, it's...
00:25:52.95\00:25:55.68
I'm sure it was a day by
day turning it over to the Lord
00:25:55.72\00:25:58.39
for quite some time.
00:25:58.42\00:25:59.75
And healing is always a process.
00:25:59.79\00:26:01.39
It's not just an event.
00:26:01.42\00:26:03.19
What matters is not where
00:26:03.22\00:26:04.56
we are on the
journey of healing,
00:26:04.59\00:26:06.06
the journey toward
becoming like Jesus,
00:26:06.09\00:26:07.80
completely living
in faith with no pride,
00:26:07.83\00:26:10.37
no self-reliance
00:26:10.40\00:26:11.73
which is another word for pride.
00:26:11.77\00:26:14.04
What matters is what
direction am I facing?
00:26:14.07\00:26:16.44
What direction am
I stepping every day?
00:26:16.47\00:26:18.67
As I'm looking on to Jesus,
00:26:18.71\00:26:20.14
the author and
finisher of my faith,
00:26:20.18\00:26:22.84
He severs the things
that hold me back bit by bit,
00:26:22.88\00:26:25.91
moment by moment.
00:26:25.95\00:26:27.28
And that's the journey
all the way to the kingdom.
00:26:27.32\00:26:29.52
Moment by moment
00:26:29.55\00:26:30.89
He'll come to me
in my devotional time
00:26:30.92\00:26:32.52
as I pray and study, He'll say,
00:26:32.55\00:26:34.36
"This is the area I want
to heal you next, Nicole.
00:26:34.39\00:26:36.32
This is the area
00:26:36.36\00:26:37.69
you need to let go
of your self reliance."
00:26:37.73\00:26:39.06
And I'll go, "Wow,
I didn't even realize
00:26:39.09\00:26:40.43
that was there."
00:26:40.46\00:26:41.80
"Yes..."
00:26:41.83\00:26:43.16
And after all these
years of walking with the Lord
00:26:43.20\00:26:44.53
those things still come up.
00:26:44.57\00:26:45.90
It's right, it's
always a journey of growth.
00:26:45.93\00:26:47.57
Any healthy plant
is continuing to grow,
00:26:47.60\00:26:49.64
any healthy Christian is
continuing to realize areas
00:26:49.67\00:26:52.64
that the Lord wants
to heal them in new ways.
00:26:52.67\00:26:54.48
Nicole Parker,
thank you so much.
00:26:54.51\00:26:56.14
I know that your
ministry is called Heart Thirst,
00:26:56.18\00:27:00.05
and that's a ministry she does
with her husband Alan Parker
00:27:00.08\00:27:03.15
who is a professor
at Southern University.
00:27:03.18\00:27:06.09
And we're still...
00:27:06.12\00:27:07.46
We want you to come
back because we want to talk
00:27:07.49\00:27:09.56
about the sexual
addiction that kind of,
00:27:09.59\00:27:12.76
is connected or is an outgrowth
if you will of sexual abuse.
00:27:12.79\00:27:17.90
Thank you so much
for being here today.
00:27:17.93\00:27:20.44
And I just want to
talk to you from my heart
00:27:20.47\00:27:22.64
for just a second there.
00:27:22.67\00:27:24.01
If you are, no matter
how you're hearing my voice,
00:27:24.04\00:27:27.58
please know that
there is a God in heaven
00:27:27.61\00:27:30.65
who loves you and please know
00:27:30.68\00:27:32.01
that you can reach
out to Him at any moment
00:27:32.05\00:27:35.48
and He is there to run
to you, He will save you.
00:27:35.52\00:27:39.59
Bye-bye.
00:27:39.62\00:27:41.26