Hi, I'm Shelley Quinn.
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Have you ever had
a problem saying, no?
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It took me a lot of years
to learn how to use that word.
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Please join us today
on "Issues and Answers,"
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because we're
going to be talking
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about how to set boundaries.
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Hi. Welcome to
"Issues and Answers."
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We have a very special
guest returning with us today.
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But first let me
share a scripture with you.
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And you'll see our topic today
is going to be on boundaries
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and I think this is a perfect
example of setting a boundary.
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This comes from Joshua,
in Joshua 24 and verse 15.
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And he says, "As for me and my
house we will serve the Lord."
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Sometimes, we
don't know how to protect
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ourselves
without seeming selfish.
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But boundaries
and setting boundaries
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are a very healthy thing.
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So returning with us
today is Carol Cannon,
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and Carol we're so
glad you're back with us.
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Thank you. Now
you are a certified
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Alcohol and Drug Abuse counselor
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with a masters in education
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and an undergraduate
degree in Religion.
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Oh, yes. Married to a
pastor, but you are also,
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you and your
husband ran for 35 years
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a program called "Bridge"
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and that was in
Kentucky, is that correct?
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Yes, yes, it is. Bowling Green.
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Bowling Green. Now when
you are working with people
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who have addictions,
I'm quiet certain either,
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I shouldn't say
I'm quiet certain.
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I'm not quiet
certain of anything
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but I would
suspect that either people
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who have gone off into
those kind of addictions
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either did not have
boundaries set for them
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or they didn't know
how to set boundaries.
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And you've written on
this quiet extensively.
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You've authored
a couple of books.
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Now boundaries is
a very special topic
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because we don't talk
about it often enough.
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Right. So if you will please,
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define for me what the
definition of boundaries is.
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Well, a boundary is
an invisible barrier
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between myself and
another individual.
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That allows me to protect myself
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and act in my own best interest.
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Well, at the same
time expecting other person
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and showing concern
for their well-being.
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Okay. It involves
adjusting and re-adjusting
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what I want to need
and what you want to need,
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and being able to
have respect on both sides.
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Okay. It's about
standing up and speaking up
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in my own behalf, showing people
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where I stand, like Joshua did
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in the scripture you just read.
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Letting people
know where I stand.
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I don't know if you've
ever had a relationship
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where you work
quiet sure where you stood
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or where the other person stood,
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but that's common and
it's very uncomfortable.
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I would much
rather know where I stand
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and where the
other person stands
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because then I don't
have to guess anymore.
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Amen, amen. So I would say that,
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it's, it's, there are
external boundaries like--
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Yes. There is what
I call personal space.
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Yes. And you will,
sometimes I'm a hugger.
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You know, I'm just one
of those Labrador puppies
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that are gonna
come up and hug people.
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But there is times
that you approach someone
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that you know they
got their hand out there
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and they've got
a personal space.
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They don't want that.
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So I will, and I'll always ask,
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"Are you a hugger before I hug?"
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Now--so there is
external boundaries,
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maybe sexual boundaries
and physical boundaries
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I should say. Now there
are also internal boundaries
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like when
people are maybe prying
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into your business too
much or overly demanding.
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And I'll give you an example
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and see tell me if
this is a boundary.
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For example, at church
it seems that most churches,
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20% of the people do
80% of the work. Yes.
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Sometimes it's 5% of the
people doing 95% of the work.
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Okay. But at
church, there are times
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that I've had to say
no to my local church
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because I have a ministry
that I do on the weekends,
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my husband and I. And have such
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responsibilities here at 3ABN.
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And there are times that
I'd love to be able to step-in
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and fill every
office that they ask me to
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but sometimes you have to
say, "I'm sorry, I can't."
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That's a boundary, right?
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Yes, sure. Yeah
sure. Yeah. That's a--yeah.
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So-- It's about setting limits.
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It's about
recognizing your limitations
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and then setting those limits
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and not
exceeding your boundaries
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because you're
gonna hurt yourself
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if you exceed your boundaries.
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So what are, what is,
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let's just define
what is boundaries setting
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and what is not
boundary setting?
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Well. I think the one of
the most important issues
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that can be confusing
for people about boundaries
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is it somehow a boundary
might feel like a barrier.
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Okay. Or an active selfishness.
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And, of course, as Christians
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we certainly don't
want to be selfish.
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So I find it
important to share with people
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that Boundary Setting is
not an active selfishness,
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just an active
healthy self care.
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Another big concern
that Christians have,
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probably anyone
who is human has,
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is that we don't want to be
controlled by another person.
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We don't want to be controlling.
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And there is
something about Boundary Setting
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that smacks off control.
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And so the way I look at
it is that Boundary Setting
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isn't about control it's about
clarity and it's about choice.
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It's about making
my preferences known
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to other person so
that they can make choices
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about whether or
not they want to be
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in a relationship with me
or want to be in my presence,
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by being open
and honest with them.
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So that they know again
kind of what the rules are.
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Okay. And then listening
that same information from them,
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so I know what
their preferences are,
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their needs are, and
what their rules are.
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So Boundary Setting
again is about negotiating
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my needs and wants with
what their needs and wants are
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and coming up with something
that works for both of us.
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Or if we can't find something
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that works for both
of us we may step back
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from the
relationship and that would be
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a Boundary Setting measure.
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I hadn't really thought about
that so much Boundary Setting.
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I mean, boy for
people who are dating
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they certainly need to
learn Boundary Setting.
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Yes, yes. But--
and for married couples
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I think this is
something maybe we don't always
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we didn't realized we
were defining these boundaries.
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But every married
couple goes through that
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in the adjustment period
and there are some things
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that you should discuss before
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and there are something that
you forget to discuss before
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but you make certain boundaries.
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For parents, you
know, some parents are,
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I talked with a lot of
children who come from homes
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that they wish their
parents had set boundaries.
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Kids feel more comfortable
when there are boundaries.
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They feel their
parents are more caring
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when there are
boundaries. Right.
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But sometimes parents
feel like they're being,
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you know, their kids
aren't gonna say they like it,
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you know, when
you set a boundary.
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But Boundary Setting is
healthy is the bottom-line.
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It's healthy,
it's healthy in home.
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It's healthy. It's
healthy for a parent.
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I'm sorry, it's
healthy for a child
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to see or her
parent set boundaries
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in his own self
interest, in behalf of himself.
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In other words, for
the parents to model
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healthy self care to the child.
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So the child will
then have permission
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to act in his own best interest.
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So both modeling
boundaries to children
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and setting boundaries with them
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and teaching them to
respect the boundaries
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of other people of their peers,
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because that's really,
speaking of bottom-line,
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that's the bottom-line.
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Boundary Setting is
about respect. Okay.
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It's about respecting
another person's integrity
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as unique
separate individual for me
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and the fact that they have
different approaches to life
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and different ways of
doing things and that's okay.
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Okay. I'm kind of
a bottom-line person.
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So let's get specific.
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In my understanding you'd
say that we need just to learn
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when to say, how to say, that
a yes, be yes and no, be no.
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Correct, yes.
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So let's get into some examples
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of external boundaries
and internal boundaries.
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Okay. The
external boundary involves
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both protecting
myself and containing myself
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within my rightful
space, physically and sexually.
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Okay. So about arms length
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there is that average
amount of space that people need
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and so I will
both protect myself
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and contain myself
within my rightful space.
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I will recognize that
I don't have the right
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to go outside that
space and touch another person
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without their permission.
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And I will reserve the
right to either withhold
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or grant
permission to another person
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who wants to
come inside my space
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and touch me either
physically or sexually.
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And you know, boy, we
can all relate to this.
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I worked with someone and
as I said I'm kind of touchy,
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feely person, a huggy person.
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Right. But I
worked with someone,
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a quick hug is one thing,
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if someone steps
up and it talks to you
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where they're too
close in your face
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and you keep, you back up
and she kept coming closer
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and you back up and
she kept coming closer,
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and it was so uncomfortable
you just want to push.
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Right, right.
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So there is, we need
to respect that boundary
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and recognize
that, that's pretty much
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for all people I think.
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I've seen someone practically
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back someone off
a porch, Shelley,
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because they kept
advancing when our bodies
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seem to have a way
of naturally adjusting,
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the distance between
ourselves and another person.
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Based on how we feel
about them or whether or not
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we feel threatened
by them or whether,
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you know, and
so, if we're attuned,
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if we're attuned to
our own feelings and needs
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and sensitive to the
feelings and needs of others
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we will make those
adjustments automatically.
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But sometimes
we need to speak up
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with in our own behalf.
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We need to say, "I'm
not comfortable having you
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in my face right now
or I'm not comfortable
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with the proximity
between us right now."
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I mean, if I think
somebody is angry at me,
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I'd rather have a little
greater distance from them.
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Okay. And how
does, how about a parent,
00:11:09.31\00:11:12.64
it strikes me a parent
who is scolding a child
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often you will see a parent
get right to the child's face,
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Yes, yes. so the
child is feeling--
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Very disempowered.
Okay. Very disempowered.
00:11:24.24\00:11:28.27
And probably
quiet terrified and yet,
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more terrified to
act in his own behalf
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than he would otherwise be.
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I've seen little three year olds
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with a parent in their face.
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Eyes brimming with
tears, but yet the child,
00:11:39.71\00:11:42.69
you know, endured
the tongue lashing,
00:11:42.70\00:11:47.29
I think because she knew
00:11:47.30\00:11:48.70
that the
alternative would be worse.
00:11:48.71\00:11:50.31
And I thought it was
really sad that a three-year-old
00:11:50.32\00:11:52.93
would have to have
that that knowledge.
00:11:52.94\00:11:56.90
So this is
something that I think
00:11:56.91\00:11:58.36
a lot of parents probably,
even wonderful good parents
00:11:58.37\00:12:01.34
just don't think about that
their child has a little needs
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and little boundary
space there as well,
00:12:04.78\00:12:07.30
and they should respect that.
00:12:07.31\00:12:08.44
So if you're scolding your child
00:12:08.45\00:12:10.21
it's better to sit down with
them or if that's impossible,
00:12:10.22\00:12:14.29
it's easy for me to talk
'cause I don't have children.
00:12:14.30\00:12:16.59
But if that's impossible
then at least hold their hand
00:12:16.60\00:12:19.91
and talk to them at a distance.
00:12:19.92\00:12:21.65
Not tower over
them, not tower over them,
00:12:21.66\00:12:23.67
not you know,
terrify them. Okay, okay.
00:12:23.68\00:12:27.97
So now other
boundaries external.
00:12:27.98\00:12:31.66
Let's talk about a
dating relationship,
00:12:31.67\00:12:33.82
external relation.
All right, all right.
00:12:33.83\00:12:35.72
In a dating relationship,
00:12:35.73\00:12:38.25
what I do if I have boundaries
is I make it known to you.
00:12:38.26\00:12:41.11
If I have certain
preferences about the activities
00:12:41.12\00:12:44.20
that we engage in
socially with other people,
00:12:44.21\00:12:47.15
the places we
go, the individuals
00:12:47.16\00:12:50.86
we spend our time with
and certainly the things we do
00:12:50.87\00:12:53.49
with one another on a physical,
00:12:53.50\00:12:56.44
pre-sexual level so to speak,
00:12:56.45\00:12:58.81
what kinds of
affectionate activities
00:12:58.82\00:13:02.87
we're kind of engage
in, is it okay with me to--
00:13:02.88\00:13:08.42
Hold hands. Hold
hands or embrace or kiss
00:13:08.43\00:13:12.25
or engage in other
liberties at what point.
00:13:12.26\00:13:19.24
Being able to say to another
person whatever the situation,
00:13:19.25\00:13:22.35
whether it's
physical or sexual or,
00:13:22.36\00:13:24.09
or a social or otherwise,
I'm not comfortable with this.
00:13:24.10\00:13:27.02
This isn't okay with
me. I'd rather not do this.
00:13:27.03\00:13:29.57
I hope you won't be offended
00:13:29.58\00:13:30.80
but I prefer not to do
the following, you know.
00:13:30.81\00:13:33.89
And being able to have
that on the tip of my tongue
00:13:33.90\00:13:36.47
and know that it's
okay to share that,
00:13:36.48\00:13:39.11
and if the other person is hurt,
00:13:39.12\00:13:41.34
you know, the idea of
Boundary Setting is that
00:13:41.35\00:13:43.46
I allow other people
know how I wanna be treated.
00:13:43.47\00:13:45.69
And I attempt to do so
without offending them.
00:13:45.70\00:13:48.17
But there is a
difference between
00:13:48.18\00:13:49.56
offending someone
and them taking offense.
00:13:49.57\00:13:51.91
Right. And so as
long as I know I've stayed
00:13:51.92\00:13:54.09
within my own rightful space
00:13:54.10\00:13:55.86
and stated my
position in a respectful way,
00:13:55.87\00:13:59.87
then I don't have to be
afraid that I've violated
00:13:59.88\00:14:04.03
any of the rules
about Boundary Setting.
00:14:04.04\00:14:05.98
I will, you know,
I'm willing to take
00:14:05.99\00:14:09.65
the risk of
telling you my truth,
00:14:09.66\00:14:13.20
and know that I've
a right to do that.
00:14:13.21\00:14:15.08
And if you take offense,
00:14:15.09\00:14:16.75
I won't try to
talk you out of it.
00:14:16.76\00:14:19.26
That would be an
exceeding of your boundaries.
00:14:19.27\00:14:21.70
If I can see that
you're upset with me,
00:14:21.71\00:14:23.35
oh, please don't be
mad and then I over-explain
00:14:23.36\00:14:26.11
why I did, what I did,
or why I said what he did,
00:14:26.12\00:14:28.60
you know, try to
reason with you to talk to you
00:14:28.61\00:14:30.99
out of feeling the way if you,
that is a boundary violation.
00:14:31.00\00:14:34.70
So now that kind of sounds like
00:14:34.71\00:14:36.07
we're getting into
internal boundaries.
00:14:36.08\00:14:37.86
Is that not? 'Cause
all of the sudden we are--
00:14:37.87\00:14:41.99
We're concerned about
the other person's feelings.
00:14:42.00\00:14:43.83
Okay. So let's talk
about internal boundaries.
00:14:43.84\00:14:46.06
So, you see, external boundaries
00:14:46.07\00:14:47.71
are about our
physical sexual space.
00:14:47.72\00:14:49.84
Internal boundaries are
about what goes on within us.
00:14:49.85\00:14:52.98
So the internal boundary
kind of sticks to our skin
00:14:52.99\00:14:55.37
or it's just inside our skin.
00:14:55.38\00:14:57.16
And it's how we
evaluate situations.
00:14:57.17\00:15:02.89
In such a way
that, for instance,
00:15:05.38\00:15:07.79
if you make a statement to
me about what I wore to church
00:15:07.80\00:15:11.37
or mistake I made when
I was doing a presentation
00:15:11.38\00:15:15.50
or something like that.
00:15:15.51\00:15:16.48
You make a
statement to me about that
00:15:16.49\00:15:18.24
and you do it in perhaps
a judgmental or harsh way.
00:15:18.25\00:15:21.40
I'm able to stay within
my, use my internal boundary
00:15:21.41\00:15:26.93
and I will think
something like this.
00:15:26.94\00:15:28.62
I won't say it aloud,
but I'll be thinking is
00:15:28.63\00:15:31.31
what Shelley is
saying and doing right now
00:15:31.32\00:15:33.10
is it much or more
about her and her history,
00:15:33.11\00:15:36.12
All right. As it is about me.
00:15:36.13\00:15:39.00
So I contempt my reaction to you
00:15:39.01\00:15:41.79
because I have a
little perspective on it.
00:15:41.80\00:15:43.69
I don't
automatically take it all in
00:15:43.70\00:15:46.27
and then start
over-reacting to it.
00:15:46.28\00:15:48.52
Okay, that's good.
00:15:48.53\00:15:49.70
So I can give myself
00:15:49.71\00:15:51.59
that little bit of
vigor room if you will.
00:15:51.60\00:15:54.56
And not, of course if I'm a
good misery addict and murder,
00:15:54.57\00:15:58.50
I'll take it all and really
make myself upset about it.
00:15:58.51\00:16:01.73
And at the same time
I'm sensitive to the concern
00:16:01.74\00:16:05.84
that I might
exceed your boundaries,
00:16:05.85\00:16:07.42
if--you were
mentoring a few minutes ago
00:16:07.43\00:16:09.79
about a church situation.
00:16:09.80\00:16:12.13
If you were on the nominating
committee of the church,
00:16:12.14\00:16:16.13
and you were to come
to me with the invitation
00:16:16.14\00:16:19.22
that I hold a church office
working with the young people
00:16:19.23\00:16:22.54
or something like that.
00:16:22.55\00:16:23.70
And I have a busy
schedule and I decide that
00:16:23.71\00:16:26.09
I'm not that I'm not
going to exceed my limits.
00:16:26.10\00:16:31.01
So I say no, Shelley,
I really can't do that.
00:16:31.02\00:16:33.87
If you come back to me with
this guilting statement like,
00:16:33.88\00:16:37.93
well, Carol if you don't do that
00:16:37.94\00:16:39.49
the young people wont'
be adequately cared for.
00:16:39.50\00:16:42.69
You know, or we won't be
able to have a department
00:16:42.70\00:16:45.15
where the young
people needs are met.
00:16:45.16\00:16:47.66
And you guilt me
a little bit for it
00:16:47.67\00:16:49.61
then you are
invading my emotional
00:16:49.62\00:16:52.72
and spiritual boundary. Okay.
00:16:52.73\00:16:55.00
So I need to be
able again to say,
00:16:55.01\00:16:57.95
I understand that Shelley,
00:16:57.96\00:16:59.15
in my mind I'm not
gonna state this to you,
00:16:59.16\00:17:01.96
that Shelley has
issues of concern
00:17:01.97\00:17:03.68
because she
might have loved once
00:17:03.69\00:17:06.24
who would, you know,
00:17:06.25\00:17:07.63
she would want me
to be working with.
00:17:07.64\00:17:11.14
But that's about
her and her history.
00:17:11.15\00:17:12.78
That's not about me
and God will provide
00:17:12.79\00:17:15.52
someone to take
care of that position.
00:17:15.53\00:17:17.45
I don't have to do it.
00:17:17.46\00:17:18.94
So I don't have to
upset myself unduly
00:17:18.95\00:17:21.21
or take on the job with
helping you find someone
00:17:21.22\00:17:23.79
because that's your job.
00:17:23.80\00:17:25.21
And you know there is,
00:17:25.22\00:17:26.51
I think when you
are talking right now
00:17:26.52\00:17:29.60
as you are
speaking with all probably
00:17:29.61\00:17:32.08
across someone else's boundary.
00:17:32.09\00:17:33.78
Oh! Indeed.
00:17:33.79\00:17:34.82
And so Setting
boundaries is one of the thing,
00:17:34.83\00:17:37.30
learning how to set boundaries
00:17:37.31\00:17:38.84
and I thought
that would probably
00:17:38.85\00:17:40.18
be the most difficult
thing because as I said
00:17:40.19\00:17:42.67
I had such a difficult
time in learning to say no.
00:17:42.68\00:17:45.36
People could guilt me
into anything just about.
00:17:45.37\00:17:49.24
But there comes a
time when your health,
00:17:49.25\00:17:51.82
you know, I nearly ran
my health into the ground
00:17:51.83\00:17:54.16
and I'm complaining and saying
00:17:54.17\00:17:56.30
Lord I'm so overbooked,
and I'm doing this and this
00:17:56.31\00:17:58.74
and He was like I'm not setting
00:17:58.75\00:18:00.27
your schedule,
you are. Right, right.
00:18:00.28\00:18:02.85
You know and so I had to
learn to put limitations.
00:18:02.86\00:18:06.63
But as you are
speaking now, it occurs to me
00:18:06.64\00:18:10.12
that it maybe more
difficult to break the habit
00:18:10.13\00:18:14.34
of overriding
someone else's boundaries.
00:18:14.35\00:18:18.68
We've to learn
how to accept the no
00:18:18.69\00:18:21.14
from another person. Yes.
00:18:21.15\00:18:22.40
Without arguing,
without manipulating--
00:18:22.41\00:18:25.70
And jelling.
Without trying to talk
00:18:25.71\00:18:27.30
them out of it. You know,
00:18:27.31\00:18:29.34
if another, my
brain isn't in your head
00:18:29.35\00:18:31.73
and your brain isn't in my head.
00:18:31.74\00:18:33.15
So we don't think alike.
00:18:33.16\00:18:35.12
Therefore, if you have thoughts
00:18:35.13\00:18:36.52
that are different than mine
00:18:36.53\00:18:37.51
or if you
experience the situation
00:18:37.52\00:18:39.86
differently than I
did, and you describe it
00:18:39.87\00:18:42.37
differently than I would,
I don't have to correct you.
00:18:42.38\00:18:46.71
It's kind of funny how we
can so hung up on tiny details.
00:18:46.72\00:18:49.98
When someone else
is telling a story,
00:18:49.99\00:18:51.93
and we have to amend
the details of their story
00:18:51.94\00:18:55.00
because it didn't happen Monday,
00:18:55.01\00:18:56.32
it happened Tuesday, as if
it matters, you know, but--
00:18:56.33\00:19:01.01
Have you ever
watched Husbands and Wives?
00:19:01.02\00:19:03.33
I mean, we, all do that, right?
00:19:03.34\00:19:05.03
Yes. We all see it
differently and we all are--
00:19:05.04\00:19:07.84
And nobody cares what
interstate highway we were on.
00:19:07.85\00:19:11.30
If the listener who is
hearing the story doesn't care
00:19:11.31\00:19:14.11
what day it happened, Yes.
00:19:14.12\00:19:16.06
and yet we have to
correct our partners over
00:19:16.07\00:19:18.52
minute details like
that and nobody cares about.
00:19:18.53\00:19:21.47
So that's invading.
00:19:21.48\00:19:22.68
That is invading
another person's boundary.
00:19:22.69\00:19:24.95
Okay. You get to tell
your story in your own way.
00:19:24.96\00:19:28.16
And if I sit here
and I'm disagreeing
00:19:28.17\00:19:30.43
with what you are
saying I hold my peace,
00:19:30.44\00:19:33.17
that self containment.
00:19:33.18\00:19:35.17
And that's when I need to
learn a little bit better,
00:19:35.18\00:19:37.49
I'll confess.
00:19:37.50\00:19:40.12
So what are some
of the boundaries say
00:19:40.13\00:19:44.50
between husbands and wives?
00:19:44.51\00:19:45.76
That's a good one
right there I would say.
00:19:45.77\00:19:47.59
Hmm-- I think household duties,
00:19:47.60\00:19:50.87
finances, child
rearing practices,
00:19:50.88\00:19:54.53
even religious
beliefs and practices.
00:19:54.54\00:19:57.14
So when we say boundaries
sometimes another way to say
00:19:57.15\00:20:00.04
is that these are expect
we're letting someone know
00:20:00.05\00:20:04.20
our expectations
and have to be realistic
00:20:04.21\00:20:07.17
and acceptable by that person,
00:20:07.18\00:20:08.91
not always so on a boundary.
00:20:08.92\00:20:10.46
But in a husband and wife
relationship there is usually,
00:20:10.47\00:20:14.02
you know, some
type of expectation
00:20:14.03\00:20:18.45
from the other. Sure.
00:20:18.46\00:20:19.75
Now give us some more
specific examples of marriage.
00:20:19.76\00:20:23.40
I think that
boundaries can serve
00:20:23.41\00:20:24.68
a couple extremely well.
00:20:24.69\00:20:26.79
They can restore the
respect between two people.
00:20:26.80\00:20:29.92
Again
remembering that my partner
00:20:29.93\00:20:33.54
is an individual
separate and apart from me
00:20:33.55\00:20:36.26
with different
ways of doing things,
00:20:36.27\00:20:37.66
different ways of seeing things,
00:20:37.67\00:20:39.77
and then respecting
their right to be different,
00:20:39.78\00:20:43.20
even respecting their
right to be wrong. Okay.
00:20:43.21\00:20:46.55
I want people to
expect my right to be wrong.
00:20:46.56\00:20:49.38
You know, I often say
there is more than one way
00:20:49.39\00:20:51.94
to slice a banana. Okay.
00:20:51.95\00:20:53.58
Explain that because
when somebody is gonna sit out
00:20:53.59\00:20:55.84
and say what do
you mean expecting
00:20:55.85\00:20:58.11
or respecting my
right to be wrong.
00:20:58.12\00:21:00.08
Give me an example.
00:21:00.09\00:21:01.06
Oh, if I quote a text
00:21:01.07\00:21:04.36
and I give the wrong reference,
00:21:04.37\00:21:08.44
you know-- I don't have to.
00:21:08.45\00:21:12.95
You don't have to
correct me on the spot.
00:21:12.96\00:21:16.22
I had a
potentially embracing situation
00:21:16.23\00:21:19.59
where I had a friend
00:21:19.60\00:21:21.26
who mispronounced
a particular word.
00:21:21.27\00:21:23.98
And she was very
well educated person,
00:21:23.99\00:21:26.37
better educated than I.
00:21:26.38\00:21:27.42
She had a PhD or two.
00:21:27.43\00:21:29.76
And I thought she was
mispronouncing this word
00:21:29.77\00:21:31.99
but somehow I managed
to keep my mouth shut,
00:21:32.00\00:21:35.52
which wasn't, didn't
come naturally to me.
00:21:35.53\00:21:37.63
I never said anything to her.
00:21:37.64\00:21:39.23
And years after
I noticed the way
00:21:39.24\00:21:41.30
she mispronounced
that word I was reading a--
00:21:41.31\00:21:44.57
looking into the dictionary
and I came across that word
00:21:44.58\00:21:46.69
and I discovered that
the way she pronounced
00:21:46.70\00:21:48.94
was the second
pronunciation in the dictionary.
00:21:48.95\00:21:52.19
What a fool I
would made of myself
00:21:52.20\00:21:54.30
if I had done
what came naturally
00:21:54.31\00:21:56.44
and tried to correct the
way she pronounced that word.
00:21:56.45\00:21:58.99
You see. Yeah.
00:21:59.00\00:22:01.29
So let's talk about
00:22:01.30\00:22:02.38
the related
concepts to boundaries.
00:22:02.39\00:22:06.68
I think you, in your book
00:22:06.69\00:22:08.26
identified four
related concepts to boundaries.
00:22:08.27\00:22:11.02
Okay. Okay.
00:22:11.03\00:22:12.00
Okay, we each have the right
to determine physical distance
00:22:14.05\00:22:19.45
and touch between
ourselves and another person.
00:22:19.46\00:22:23.30
You know, I
mentioned that I'm a huggy,
00:22:23.31\00:22:25.12
touchy type person.
00:22:25.13\00:22:26.10
And I do ask are you a hugger
00:22:26.11\00:22:27.58
if I'm getting
ready to hug a woman.
00:22:27.59\00:22:29.34
Now one thing with a man,
00:22:29.35\00:22:30.67
I'm usually a
little more careful
00:22:30.68\00:22:32.38
and if a man is
coming towards me to,
00:22:32.39\00:22:35.75
who is a hugger
00:22:35.76\00:22:36.98
and I don't feel
comfortable with him,
00:22:36.99\00:22:38.45
I put my hand out right away
00:22:38.46\00:22:40.14
and it's like saying
to him that's my boundary.
00:22:40.15\00:22:43.11
Occasionally I've met
men who want to hug-up close
00:22:43.12\00:22:47.36
because I 'm tall.
00:22:47.37\00:22:48.82
This is a benefit
that I kind of will touch
00:22:48.83\00:22:52.47
a man's face and
put my arm between us
00:22:52.48\00:22:55.09
so that no one
can hug me too tight.
00:22:55.10\00:22:58.93
You know, there
is the A-frame hug,
00:22:58.94\00:23:00.67
the side hug, but what
is a good way to establish.
00:23:00.68\00:23:06.01
There used to be a
gentleman who was in ministry.
00:23:06.02\00:23:09.05
And he just was a close hugger.
00:23:09.06\00:23:10.65
And I was very
uncomfortable with that.
00:23:10.66\00:23:12.79
That's when I
learnt to touch his face
00:23:12.80\00:23:14.69
and put my hand in between.
00:23:14.70\00:23:16.22
How do you establish
that and not be awkward?
00:23:16.23\00:23:21.10
You've identified the best way.
00:23:21.11\00:23:23.28
it is usually about
body language. Okay.
00:23:23.29\00:23:26.42
Or if someone if you know that
00:23:26.43\00:23:28.76
someone tends to
clinch too tightly
00:23:28.77\00:23:31.29
when they hug you,
you get to them first
00:23:31.30\00:23:33.38
and give them that
sideways hug if you prefer.
00:23:33.39\00:23:37.19
Sometimes you've to
straight arms somebody
00:23:37.20\00:23:39.26
in extreme cases or
even say something verbally
00:23:39.27\00:23:42.25
and it's legitimate to do that.
00:23:42.26\00:23:43.62
The important thing is
that we know in our minds
00:23:43.63\00:23:46.08
and in our hearts
that it's okay for us
00:23:46.09\00:23:49.45
to determine how close
00:23:49.46\00:23:52.49
we want to come
to another person.
00:23:52.50\00:23:53.98
No one has the right to
touch us without our permission.
00:23:53.99\00:23:57.18
And so the--and nor do we
have the right to touch them
00:23:57.19\00:24:01.13
without their permission.
00:24:01.14\00:24:02.25
One of the ways also that
you can teach other people
00:24:02.26\00:24:04.64
how do you wanna
be treated in that
00:24:04.65\00:24:05.80
regard is to
treat them that way.
00:24:05.81\00:24:08.12
Ask them if it's okay
for you to give them a hug.
00:24:08.13\00:24:10.63
I think we should do
that with our own children
00:24:10.64\00:24:12.58
and own spouses.
00:24:12.59\00:24:14.11
Even though it's implicit in
the relationship that is okay,
00:24:14.12\00:24:18.20
I usually ask my grandchildren
00:24:18.21\00:24:20.52
if I can give them a hug
because I want them to know
00:24:20.53\00:24:23.54
that I respect their
need for space and distance.
00:24:23.55\00:24:27.04
And there are times
when someone is upset
00:24:27.05\00:24:29.37
or something is going on
00:24:29.38\00:24:31.04
they may not want
to hug and you know so.
00:24:31.05\00:24:34.29
Right. Okay.
00:24:34.30\00:24:35.80
So that's the physicality.
00:24:35.81\00:24:37.35
Now we've talked enough
about the sexuality earlier
00:24:37.36\00:24:40.74
I believe in the program.
00:24:40.75\00:24:41.79
Let's talk about
feelings some more.
00:24:41.80\00:24:44.55
The third concept
that we based our boundary
00:24:44.56\00:24:47.92
setting on is that we as
individuals are responsible
00:24:47.93\00:24:52.70
for how we feel and
for sharing how we feel.
00:24:52.71\00:24:57.21
And we are not responsible
for how anyone else feels,
00:24:57.22\00:25:00.81
assuming, of course,
that we have an overtly,
00:25:00.82\00:25:04.50
directly violated them.
00:25:04.51\00:25:06.63
So essentially I
don't get to blame you
00:25:06.64\00:25:11.23
for how you are
feeling in any given moment
00:25:11.24\00:25:13.09
and you don't get to
blame me or hold me responsible.
00:25:13.10\00:25:15.85
So I'm not going to say
00:25:15.86\00:25:16.85
you made me feel
such and such. Okay.
00:25:16.86\00:25:18.99
I'm going to say when
such and such happened
00:25:19.00\00:25:20.59
I felt so and so.
00:25:20.60\00:25:22.19
And I'm gonna recognize
that my feelings are about me.
00:25:22.20\00:25:25.19
They're not about you.
00:25:25.20\00:25:26.70
I'm not going to try
to make them about you.
00:25:26.71\00:25:29.62
Unless you've
directly offended me
00:25:29.63\00:25:31.22
in which case I will simply
say to you when that happened
00:25:31.23\00:25:34.13
I felt so and so and I need
to ask you not to do that again.
00:25:34.14\00:25:37.96
Yes. So I don't get to blame you
00:25:37.97\00:25:40.19
for how I feel or
hold you responsible.
00:25:40.20\00:25:41.98
And I don't have to make myself
00:25:41.99\00:25:43.95
responsible for anyone else.
00:25:43.96\00:25:46.27
And that's, you
know, that's a good thing
00:25:46.28\00:25:48.43
because so many of
us people will come up
00:25:48.44\00:25:50.52
and they try to
make us responsible
00:25:50.53\00:25:53.14
and we feel guilt and
shame and we don't know
00:25:53.15\00:25:56.35
how to do something differently.
00:25:56.36\00:25:58.44
But that's an excellent point.
00:25:58.45\00:25:59.74
Okay. So then how do we take in,
00:25:59.75\00:26:04.08
I mean, how do you
we get the information?
00:26:04.09\00:26:06.87
You are talking about
the intellectual boundary.
00:26:06.88\00:26:09.19
You are looking at
the intellectual boundary.
00:26:09.20\00:26:10.68
Again we have
physical boundaries,
00:26:10.69\00:26:12.16
sexual boundaries,
emotional boundaries
00:26:12.17\00:26:14.27
and intellectual boundaries.
00:26:14.28\00:26:15.39
And intellectual
boundary allows me to hear
00:26:15.40\00:26:18.18
what you say or read
something out of a book.
00:26:18.19\00:26:21.82
See it, hear it, listen,
assess, and decide for myself
00:26:21.83\00:26:25.26
what I will think,
knowing that I'm responsible
00:26:25.27\00:26:27.93
for the outcome of
my thinking, you know.
00:26:27.94\00:26:30.06
So I accept that responsibility.
00:26:30.07\00:26:32.01
But you can say something to me.
00:26:32.02\00:26:33.71
If I lack in
intellectual boundary,
00:26:33.72\00:26:36.12
I will let
whatever you say or think
00:26:36.13\00:26:38.91
determine what I believe.
00:26:38.92\00:26:41.32
This is kind of what
Paul was talking about
00:26:41.33\00:26:43.51
people who are like
every wind of doctrine
00:26:43.52\00:26:46.88
that comes along
that they change. Right.
00:26:46.89\00:26:49.41
So I mean that is very serious
00:26:49.42\00:26:52.33
and sincere as far as
Christians are concerned.
00:26:52.34\00:26:55.12
You know, I bring everything.
00:26:55.13\00:26:56.30
I read books of
many different authors
00:26:56.31\00:26:58.44
and they are not
all Adventist authors.
00:26:58.45\00:27:00.81
But then I always
look back to the Bible.
00:27:00.82\00:27:04.13
So that's kind of my
boundary is the Bible
00:27:04.14\00:27:06.43
when I'm reading
other Christian works.
00:27:06.44\00:27:08.24
If it doesn't
line up with the Bible,
00:27:08.25\00:27:10.58
I don't both take it in. Right.
00:27:10.59\00:27:12.88
But you are also saying
this is about all information.
00:27:12.89\00:27:16.48
For example you go
to a public university
00:27:16.49\00:27:18.97
and you taught
Evolution as a fact.
00:27:18.98\00:27:21.71
And we know that we
believe in creation.
00:27:21.72\00:27:25.91
So we can learn about
the theory of Evolution,
00:27:25.92\00:27:30.48
but that's my boundary is
I still see it as a theory.
00:27:30.49\00:27:34.41
But I don't have to
refuse to read something
00:27:34.42\00:27:36.47
just because I believe
the author said something
00:27:36.48\00:27:38.31
I don't agree with.
00:27:38.32\00:27:39.47
I can use my
intellectual boundary
00:27:39.48\00:27:41.33
and still get the good
from what they have to teach me.
00:27:41.34\00:27:44.02
That's wonderful.
00:27:44.03\00:27:45.02
You know we've
again just touched
00:27:45.03\00:27:47.55
on the tip of the iceberg here,
00:27:47.56\00:27:49.69
but Carol thank you
because this has been
00:27:49.70\00:27:51.77
very thought-provoking.
00:27:51.78\00:27:53.31
Thanks so much for
being with us today.
00:27:53.32\00:27:55.61
You know our time just flies by.
00:27:55.62\00:27:57.53
We need to keep a
better eye on the clock.
00:27:57.54\00:27:59.74
But I want to
encourage you be like Joshua
00:27:59.75\00:28:03.57
and set that boundary and say,
00:28:03.58\00:28:05.24
"For me and my house,
I will serve the Lord."
00:28:05.25\00:28:08.70
Thanks for joining us.
00:28:08.71\00:28:10.14