Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Carol Cannon
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000400
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00:01 Hi, I'm Shelley Quinn.
00:03 Are you one of those people who looks at the glasses 00:05 being half empty rather than half full. 00:07 May be instead of looking at the world 00:09 through rose-tinted glasses you're looking 00:12 to the world through grim tinted glasses. 00:15 Let me tell you something, 00:16 did you know that unhappiness and misery 00:18 can be a habit. 00:19 Well, join us today on "Issues & Answers, 00:21 because we're going to show you 00:23 that healing is available, there is a way out. 00:49 Hi, welcome to "Issues & Answers." 00:51 Today we're gonna be talking about 00:53 "hooked on unhappiness" and how to break 00:56 this chronic misery habit cycle. 01:00 And I want to first read to you 01:02 a scripture from Philippians Chapter 4, 01:04 its verses 6 and 7 actually. 01:06 Here's what Paul had derived to the Philippians. 01:10 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything 01:13 by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving. 01:17 Let your requests be made known to God. 01:19 And the peace of God, which surpasses 01:22 all understanding, will guard your 01:25 heart and minds through Christ Jesus." 01:28 You know, that sounds good, 01:29 but how do you do it? 01:30 Well, here with us today 01:32 is our very special guest Carol Cannon. 01:35 And Carol is from Bowling Green, Kentucky 01:38 or Birmingham, Alabama or both? Both. 01:40 Both, so you're kind of in transition 01:42 moving to a second home. 01:44 And Carol you are a certified alcoholic, 01:48 or certified alcohol. 01:50 You are a certified alcohol and drug abuse counselor. 01:54 Yes, I am. 01:55 And you also what is your-- 01:56 you had your masters in education--. Education. 01:58 And you had something else an undergraduate-- 02:00 Undergraduate degree in religion. 02:01 In religion. Yes. 02:02 Now your husband is a pastor. 02:05 And Paul pastored for many years. Yes. 02:08 But you've also done something very special 02:10 for the last, what 40? 02:12 Thirty five years. Thirty five years-- 02:14 Yes. That you've run a place called The Bridge. 02:17 Tell us a little bit about that? 02:19 Well, in 1974, Paul and I became aware 02:22 while he was teaching at Andrews University 02:25 in the undergraduate religion department. 02:27 We became aware that there were a lot of 02:29 young people orbiting around the fringes of their families, 02:33 the church, the Christian institution 02:37 who were disillusioned that they were having problems 02:40 actually with drugs and alcohol. 02:42 Even though they had been weird 02:43 in a prohibitive environment, 02:46 in other words an environment 02:47 that treats alcohol and drug use 02:49 as a sin punishable by death, 02:52 perhaps it was the guilt factor. 02:54 We're not entirely sure what it was 02:56 but we just were seeing 02:57 so many young people suffering 02:59 in this way that we decided to start a special place 03:03 where they could come for guidance and direction 03:08 and for the kind of support that is needed 03:10 and being able to find their way 03:14 out of the traps that they were in. Amen. 03:16 And so you've spent a lot of years 03:18 then working with people 03:20 who have had these addictive behaviors. 03:24 And they were actually not gonna be talking 03:26 about addiction to chemical dependency, 03:30 but rather an addiction that some people 03:33 may not even see as an addiction. Right. 03:35 And that is the chronic habit of being miserable. 03:41 Ooh. Is that right? 03:42 Well, you know, a few minutes ago 03:44 when you started to say 03:45 that I was a certified alcoholic, 03:47 I thought, well, I am a certified workaholic. Yes. 03:50 And a certified recovering misery addict. 03:53 You are, you said. Absolutely. 03:55 Now, you wrote a wonderful book 03:57 and that book is entitled, "Hooked on Unhappiness, 04:00 "What's the subtitle? 04:01 "Breaking the Cycle of Discontent." 04:02 "Breaking the Cycle of Discontent." 04:05 You say that you yourself were there. Yes. 04:07 Tell us a little bit about what brought you there. 04:10 Were you born in that way or was it something 04:12 that happened in your family? 04:13 That's a wonderful question. 04:15 I along with others who are far more educated 04:20 in this field, happen to be one who believed 04:26 that misery addiction or misery addicts 04:29 I should say, were born, I'm sorry made not born. 04:33 I say that backwards. 04:35 Misery addicts were made not born, 04:36 in other words, it was environmental influences 04:39 that created the habit of negaholism and I still-- 04:44 Nega, do you coined that negaholism? Yes. 04:46 Okay, So that's being addicted to negativity. 04:50 That's right, I'm sure that's not original with me. 04:52 All right. But it sits fairly well. 04:55 And I did believe for many, many years 04:57 that it was a habit that evolved 04:59 out of the culture and the environment 05:01 of the individual. Now we know 05:04 that misery addiction, negativity in general, 05:09 is also a product of our heredity 05:15 that some people are born 05:18 and several experts in the neuroscience believe this 05:21 So I come with pretty, 05:23 they come with great credentials 05:25 that some people are born, 05:28 if you will, with more anxiety and depression genes 05:32 than others are with the brain 05:34 that is literally hardwired to experience negativity 05:38 and dwell on it more than other people do. 05:41 So it's not just a character flaw 05:44 or a spiritual lapse or some kind of a failure of faith 05:49 if a person is highly negative and finds 05:52 that extremely difficult to get out of that rut. 05:55 And it's something to do with the personality type. 05:59 You know, I have always been accused to be a pollyanna. 06:01 So I was born with the personality 06:03 that always looked to the positive side. 06:06 And I can say that quite adamantly 06:11 because I grew up in an environment 06:13 of negative people. Right. 06:15 And so I know I wasn't becoming what I beheld, 06:18 but that was my personality. 06:20 Now I have a sister who was born 06:22 with a personality that leans a little more 06:25 toward a depressive side. 06:27 And then was surrounded by that as well. 06:30 But so it can be either 06:32 or let's talk about what is the definition. 06:36 Give us a definition of being addicted to misery. 06:40 Well, I think that negaholism is habitually 06:44 pessimistic frame of reference, 06:46 whereby everything I see and do and experience, 06:53 I look at through grim-tinted glasses. 06:55 I have a negative perspective, if you will, 06:58 and in general the response I offered 07:02 to almost anything is going to be a negative one. 07:06 I'm going to see the bleak side, unlike Eeyore. 07:15 And it interests me of your bland personality 07:19 because it was a friend, a dear friend, 07:22 very much like you who first confronted me 07:25 with the fact that I was so pessimistic. 07:28 She told me one day that I was the most 07:30 negative person she'd never met. 07:32 And I was shocked because I thought 07:33 I was just being realistic. 07:35 That that my databases were normal, 07:38 was that kind of damning the mouth, 07:41 dispirited a pastor, and I had no idea. 07:48 You know, I couldn't imagine how anybody 07:50 could be joyful and optimistic when there were floods 07:56 and earthquakes and, you know, 07:58 30,000 people dying there 07:59 and 300 people dying over there 08:02 and the water was coming up around us 08:05 and the sky was falling in on us and, you know, 08:08 how could you be happy in the midst of all that? 08:10 You needed to be burdened. Yes. 08:12 You needed to be burdened for the lost souls 08:14 of the universe, you know, God needed your help, 08:17 you need to be busy, busy, busy. 08:20 And so you yourself, did you find-- 08:24 if you're addicted to misery, 08:26 not sure I let you finish that definition, 08:29 but if you're addicted to misery, 08:32 you're attaching yourself to the negative things 08:36 like you--some people can watch the news at night. 08:40 And when they finish watching the news, 08:42 they've got to call somebody and tell them 08:45 everything negative that's happening on the news 08:48 and how bad it is and it's-- 08:51 and I'm not certainly trying to negate 08:56 the negative things that go off 08:57 and negate the negative to down play 09:01 the sadness in the world. 09:03 But, you know, the way I look at it is that, I can't be God. 09:08 I pray about those things, 09:09 but I have to turn it over to Him. 09:11 But a truly negative person 09:13 will let this upset their day. 09:15 Upset their whole expectancy of life, 09:20 is that true? Yes. Yeah. 09:22 So were you personally, were you one who wined 09:27 and complained and just mumbled and grumbled a lot? 09:33 I did some of that certainly unconsciously. Okay. 09:36 But the avenue that I used for expressing 09:39 my misery martyred tendencies 09:47 was that I just tried, 09:49 I thought it was my job to fix everything, 09:52 you know, I would see the dark side of everything 09:55 and then I would grab the football 09:57 and try to run with it. 09:58 I needed to fix you or I needed to fix them 10:01 or I needed to repair that circumstance 10:04 or make that it didn't happen again. 10:06 So I literally became a workaholic, very worked, 10:10 who was driven to, try to manage people places 10:14 and things to control circumstances and to, 10:18 you know, to do God's job for Him. 10:20 OKay, so that's what I just said 10:23 is that the difference is, 10:24 that's interesting, you said that 10:26 because what I look at it is that 10:29 what our responsibility when we see these things is to pray 10:32 and give it to God and do what we can 10:35 and what we can't. Right. 10:37 We just have to intercede and pray God will send workers 10:41 because we can't beat all things to all people. 10:43 But you saw almost like a personal responsibility. 10:47 Exactly. And that's where there is a dividing line. 10:50 What is some of the other characteristics of people 10:54 who are hooked on unhappiness? 10:57 This was more my mode. 10:59 And it is what I considered 11:01 to be the first and primary characteristic is that 11:04 misery addicts and I use a term murdering also. Yes. 11:08 You know, there is a noble calling in some cases 11:13 to murder oneself but I do believe that, 11:16 that, more people are driven to murdering 11:19 than are called. Okay. 11:21 Yeah, so-- 11:22 And let's explain for someone who may not know 11:23 what we're talking about and when say murdering. 11:25 Sacrificing oneself unduly for a cause 11:28 that they believe requires them to do this. 11:31 And that was the mode that I got myself into. 11:34 So my, rather than whining and complaining 11:36 I would suffer in silence. 11:38 Ah, okay. Yeah, and so-- 11:41 So your smile using, probably it was a grimace 11:44 rather than a true smile-- 11:45 Yes, and I'm sure my shoulders were stooped 11:48 and my brow was furrowed and you know, I was, 11:52 in other words through body language 11:54 I exuded my burdensome life. 12:00 But I didn't have to complain my whole body, 12:02 you know, emanated it. Okay. 12:06 So that yours was, you wore all of these things, 12:09 you wore your feelings on your shoulders if you will. 12:12 Right, on my sleeve, yeah. 12:13 On your sleeve. Thank you. 12:14 And that, I call that 12:15 unconsciously soliciting sympathy. 12:17 Okay. Yeah. 12:19 Yes, and we've all known people 12:21 and perhaps you are one 12:23 that you know, that's it's something you feed 12:27 on the sympathy of others. Sure. 12:29 And for someone who is not a negative person, 12:34 you really don't know what to do. That's right. 12:36 Because if you act sympathetic sometimes 12:40 it's like you're feeding the beast-- 12:41 feeding the beast, that's right. 12:43 And it's just as a cycle that they need more and more 12:45 and they become, you know, 12:49 more or they're drawing on you for this 12:51 and they come to you constantly for that. 12:54 You don't want to be unsympathetic. 12:57 So it's a difficult thing and we're gonna get into 12:59 some answers you know what I mean. It is, it is. 13:00 You know, a fellow recovering misery addict 13:03 made a remark to me one time that I really identified 13:06 with she said I had to constantly 13:07 be thinking how to arrange my face, 13:10 so that people would see how unhappy I was 13:13 and ask me what was wrong. 13:14 Oh, mercy. Yeah. 13:16 So there's that unconsciously soliciting sympathy 13:19 Now my particular brand of my combination 13:24 of symptoms shall we say led me to overdo everything. 13:28 And over-exhaust myself in my attempt to help God 13:31 do His job. Yes. 13:33 And in the process of that then I did indeed 13:36 wear my weariness on my sleeve like a badge of nonor. 13:40 Yes. Yes. 13:41 So I thought there was a virtue in this. 13:44 I bet you there are lot of people 13:46 who are identifying with you right now. 13:49 Yeah. Okay. 13:50 So if you are a person, I'm thinking of 13:56 several individuals actually that I know personally, 13:59 and sometimes they collect grievances 14:03 and they live--they can't let go of things 14:09 that happened in the past. 14:11 Is that typical for somebody who still-- 14:14 Absolutely and the interesting thing is 14:18 that, that is associated with the way 14:20 our brains are created. 14:23 Our brains do have a bad news by us. 14:27 Oh, that's why I think the news networks-- 14:30 Right. You know, why do they run so many so much bad news-- 14:33 Because that's what people want to hear. 14:34 And the more traumatic something is in ones life, 14:38 the more it will lock itself into the brain. 14:43 Normal people have positive thoughts 14:47 about two to one, you know, two positive thoughts 14:51 for every negative one, but negative people 14:53 are probably the other way around. 14:55 And so there are many negative individuals 14:58 never forget an insult. 15:00 And they could tell you 15 years after the fact 15:02 what happened. What you said? 15:04 What you were wearing? 15:06 Where you were standing in the room? 15:08 Because it impacted them in the same way 15:11 that you or I or the average American shall we say 15:14 would be impacted by the shooting of-- 15:19 the assignation of President Kennedy 15:22 or Elvis Presley's death or Michael Jackson's death, 15:26 you know, people remember. 15:29 Another example would be 9/11. 15:31 We remember, most of us remember where we were 15:33 and what we were doing and, you know, 15:37 what was going on around us 15:39 on the day that happened. 15:40 That is indelibly imprinted on our brain. 15:43 Well, negaholics will collect 15:46 what we would consider to be lesser traumas 15:49 but there may be very great traumas to them. 15:51 You might say something thoughtless to me, 15:54 you might have said something thoughtless to me 15:56 15 years ago and I can't let it go. 15:59 And it's not that I don't want to. 16:01 I really like to emphasis with people. 16:04 I don't believe that any misery addict 16:06 or negaholic collects grievances 16:08 and accept these other symptoms because they want to. 16:12 They just can't help themselves. 16:13 They can't stop. Okay. 16:16 Now, you know, I have to interject this 16:19 because I think that there may be a husband out there 16:22 who is looking at his wife right about now and saying, 16:25 you know, honey this is you. 16:26 You know, because you can--it seems to me 16:29 would you agree women and there's things 16:33 I am always trying when I am interviewing a guest, 16:36 I am always trying to see does this apply to me in anyway 16:38 you know, because you wanna self 16:40 or to correct not necessarily self-correct 16:42 but you want to make the corrections if it does. 16:45 There are times that my husband is shocked. 16:50 Women seem to be able to remember conversations 16:54 from the past and things said. 16:56 Now and there is times that I can remember 16:58 something that was said that may be wounded me 17:00 but it's not even in that memory recollection. 17:05 It's nothing that wounds me now. 17:07 It's nothing that upsets me now. 17:09 It's something I look back on humorously. 17:12 You know, and I can tell him what he said way back when. 17:15 You know, we laugh about it. 17:17 But if somebody is-- so just because you recall that 17:22 doesn't necessarily mean that you are 17:24 hooked on unhappiness it's something made an impact. 17:27 You know, I think it's the rehearsing 17:28 and the re-rehearsing of it. Okay. 17:29 That's the word that I use all the time, 17:32 is that there are people who rehearse 17:36 and rehearse negative things 17:38 that have happened in the past 17:40 and it's just as painful to them 17:43 as if they were experiencing it at the moment. Right. 17:47 You know, again though I would say that 17:49 for some individuals that behavior 17:52 is an issue of unmanageability. 17:57 It's something that they continue to do 17:59 even though they don't want to do it like the Apostle Paul 18:03 doing what they don't to do. 18:05 They may even, they may be aware 18:07 all that they are doing it, 18:08 and they make promises to themselves that they will, 18:11 that would abstain from that or refrain from that. 18:14 But like the alcoholic they find themselves 18:17 going back to that behavior 18:19 in spite of their best intentions. 18:21 And that's why I believe that this is or can be 18:24 considered an addictive cycle. 18:29 So these people in your reference to the Apostle Paul 18:33 was Romans Chapter 7 where he talks about, 18:36 you know, "what was me, what I know I should do, 18:40 I don't do What I know I shouldn't do 18:41 I do who will help me" 18:43 and He finally comes around Romans 8 18:45 where he is saying praise God he will, through Christ Jesus. 18:49 There is therefore no condemnation 18:51 for those in Christ. 18:53 But the people who are hooked on unhappiness 18:58 these are folks that, at least the one's I know 19:02 it seems that they put themselves down a lot. 19:04 They compare themselves to others and if they do 19:08 make a mistake they beat themselves self over it-- 19:11 Absolutely dwell on it. Dwell on it. 19:14 Okay, now those are all characteristics. 19:18 But now that we've semi-defined, 19:21 I know you said you've teach in seminars on this for hours 19:24 upon hours so we are just getting 19:26 the tip of the iceberg here. 19:28 But those are some of the characteristics 19:31 now how does one recognize, I mean, 19:37 I would imagine for you it someone saying 19:40 you are the most negative person 19:41 I've never met in my life. Yes. 19:43 But how, you had lived that way obviously 19:46 many years before someone said that to you 19:48 and you said it shocked you, 19:50 how is someone out here 19:51 who maybe we are talking to who is saying am I? 19:55 How can they really tell? 19:57 Is there is self-test what you would do? 19:58 When we are confronted with this possibility, 20:01 the most natural thing in the world to do is to try to stop. 20:05 Or deny it. You will that too. Yeah. 20:10 But, you know, there comes a moment when it, 20:13 when it, when the-- awakening occurs, 20:18 when you just--when you finally recognized, 20:21 you know, in addictive language 20:24 we would say you hit bottom. 20:26 And, so generally that occurs when, 20:29 for the misery addict, when we can see people 20:31 disappearing from our lives. 20:34 When for example, someone says, 20:37 I don't have any friends and I don't know why 20:39 people just don't want to be around me. 20:41 I call them. They don't want to talk me 20:43 on the phone is because people don't know 20:46 how to relate to misery addicts. 20:48 Well, we misery addicts wear people out. Yes. 20:52 Either, either not necessarily through 20:54 what we say, often times it's through our actions. 20:58 Okay, we wear them out with it, you know, 21:00 I remember one time far in the distant past well 21:03 long before I realized I was a misery addict, 21:05 I saw a gentleman approaching our house 21:08 and this gentleman was, I knew him to be 21:13 so negative and so unhappy-- 21:15 He was more miserable than you. Absolutely. 21:18 I literally wanted to run out the back door. Okay. 21:20 You see, and so we wear people out. 21:23 And when we see people disappearing 21:25 from our lives we finally have to face 21:28 the fact that there is something 21:30 going on here that needs to be addressed. 21:32 Now, so let's say they would pass the denial. 21:35 Now we want to do something 21:36 the most natural things in the world to do 21:38 is to try through grit and determination to quit. 21:42 That doesn't work. 21:43 Well, it works if you're not addicted to misery. Okay. 21:47 You know, it's like people who drink, 21:49 who are not alcoholic can quit drinking. Okay. 21:53 But if they're alcoholic they find themselves 21:56 returning to the behavior. 21:58 And the same thing is true for a misery addict. 22:00 Try as I might in spite of my best intentions, 22:03 in fact, even if I pray hard about it, 22:07 even if I claim promises, you know, 22:10 I'm not negating the power of prayer promises 22:12 because I believed that in that with all my heart. 22:14 But for some of us who have a brain problem 22:20 its more, it takes more than that. 22:23 And sometimes, it takes, you know, 22:26 I want to go on record saying what I believe 22:29 and let me see if you agree. 22:31 Sometimes it takes, your serotonin levels so low, 22:36 yes, that it does take a prescription drug 22:40 under the auspices or the umbrella in the care of 22:45 a doctor to bring you out of these things. 22:48 And there is-- in my opinion there is 22:50 absolutely nothing wrong with a Christian, 22:53 we would take insulin if we were a diabetic. 22:55 That's right, that's right. 22:56 So, if you need in antidepressants, 22:59 if you need something for a period of time 23:02 I don't believe there is anything wrong with it. 23:03 How do you feel about that? 23:05 I do not believe there is anything wrong with it. 23:06 In fact, I think that it's our responsibility 23:08 to use the best that science can make available to us. 23:11 Absolutely. That's the gift of our power as I see it. 23:15 I think that in addition to that availing ourselves 23:18 of appropriate support groups, 23:22 I believe that 12 step programs or medial program 23:25 of identity and character development. 23:27 And so many people who are addicted to misery 23:30 have underlying issues of immaturity 23:32 and insecurity, and they can be mentored 23:34 and literally parented through a healing process 23:39 in a 12-step program where the other people 23:42 that are in that group are not obsessed 23:46 with getting them fixed, 23:48 but they are rather focusing on their own recovery 23:51 and yet at the same time willing to share 23:54 personal experience, strength, and hope in a positive way, 23:59 in non-condemning way. 24:01 Yeah, if--how do we, if we know someone 24:07 in our life, or maybe at a church or someone 24:11 we work with, who know is hooked on misery. 24:15 How do we relate to that person? 24:16 How can we, let's say that someone 24:19 won't accept it first, how do we should 24:21 be relate to that person? 24:23 Well, you know, initially I would say do everything 24:28 you cannot to re-enforce the behavior. 24:30 In other words, it's okay to leave the scene 24:34 as quickly as you desire 24:37 if someone is being very, very negative. 24:39 Without been rude. Without been rude. 24:42 It's very important not to buy into their complaining, 24:48 and try to grab the football 24:52 and overly sympathized or even try to fix 24:55 their problems because a lot of the over-complaining 24:59 murderers do is an effort to draw people 25:01 into the black hole of their misery 25:03 and get those people them to solve their problems for them, 25:07 and thus they don't learn nor experience 25:10 the genuine self-respect that comes from solving 25:15 your own problems. 25:16 So it's important not to grab the football 25:18 and run with it and take care of everything for them, 25:20 because positively reinforces what they are doing. 25:24 And if you do grab the football and run with it 25:26 you maybe a misery addict yourself. 25:28 That's right. Or wear yourself again. 25:31 That's right. Because you said that, 25:32 that was what you were always doing. 25:34 Yeah, that's right. That's for sure. 25:36 So, it's it one of these things 25:38 that how dangerous is it to confront someone? 25:44 No, I'm glad you said that because my next thought 25:47 was there is a point where it's appropriate 25:50 to do a compassionate intervention. Okay. 25:54 What capital to see on compassion? 25:55 Okay. Yes, yes. 25:57 And we need to have a little bit of credible 25:59 knowledge about this, about this issue, 26:02 so that we don't come across as if we were accusing 26:05 the person of lack of faith 26:07 or that they are not good enough Christians 26:10 or church members because they've become 26:14 depressed and anxious, you know, 26:16 we don't wanna a give that massage to them 26:18 but I think it's the loving thing to do, 26:20 to do an intervention whereby we are willing 26:22 to say to that person, you're the most 26:25 negative individual I know. 26:27 You know, we're willing to confront them 26:30 with a reality of how we are effected 26:32 by their behavior, sharing obviously on a feeling level, 26:38 and then encouraging them 26:39 and giving them all the support we can 26:41 for getting a medical exam, 26:45 getting a psychiatric exam perhaps seeing-- 26:49 As soon as you say psychiatric there people 26:51 out there going to go, oh, I don't want to go 26:53 to a psychiatrist because somebody 26:54 is gonna think I'm crazy. 26:56 But a psychology or psychiatric exam, 26:59 we're talking about psychiatric exam just to see 27:01 if there is a chemical imbalance. 27:03 Well, in addition to that, Shelley there are extreme cases 27:07 where brain scan would be in order. 27:10 Really? Absolutely. 27:12 Really! Wow. 27:14 Dr. Daniel Amen writes about this credibility 27:18 and Dr. Ron Hansen about how often time's 27:21 they can literally see brain issues 27:24 that will direct them in the medical intervention 27:28 that they need to make. That's amazing. 27:30 And so, for people who are interactively unhappy 27:32 especially if they are acting it out through anger 27:36 that a brain scan is appropriate. Wow. 27:39 You know, I feel like we just barely touched on this 27:41 and I just looked at the clock I can't believe 27:43 that our time is almost all gone. 27:45 Carol, this is something it's very important 27:48 and I just want to encourage people to get your book, 27:50 "Hooked on Unhappiness." 27:52 We thank you so much for being with us today. 27:55 We do want you to know that, 27:57 even though we didn't get to all of the answers 27:59 there are answers. I believe God provides 28:02 the answers and it doesn't mean 28:05 we want to look to the word 28:07 but we also want to look to support groups 28:09 and others to help us. 28:11 So, thank you for joining us. |
Revised 2014-12-17