Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Duane Anderson, Nancy Anderson
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000375
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00:31 Hi, I'm Shelley Quinn and this is Issues and Answers.
00:33 We are so glad that you can join us today. 00:35 We are going to be discussing communication in marriage 00:40 and I wanted to share the scripture with you. I 00:42 like this scripture, Ephesians 4:29 and the Bible says, 00:46 Do not let any unwholesome talk come 00:50 out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building 00:55 others up according to their needs, 00:57 that it may benefit those who listen. Boy, 01:01 if we could remember that in marriage not to let 01:04 anything come out of her mouth that might tear 01:06 or make down, our marriages would be so much happier. 01:10 And joining us today are some Communication Experts 01:13 Duane and Nancy Andersen. Just partly your experts 01:17 from experience. Yeah, being human beings, 01:21 learning the hard way. Yes and Duane, you have your 01:24 Masters Degree in Counseling, yes 01:26 and guidance you are also a Pastor for 30 years 01:30 and now you and your wife Nancy who is a registered 01:33 nurse have a ministry called Care Consultants. 01:37 What is the acronym Care stand for? 01:41 Care and Renewal Education. Okay and you do 01:45 different seminars, you have, you go to churches, 01:50 you have kind of, the camps or retreats. 01:53 We have groups in our home at times to, 01:57 have grief and loss support groups. We do outreach 02:00 for our church and community, our 02:04 church members within our Adventist areas. 02:07 Marriage renewals seminars and I know you teach a 02:10 lot on communication. So you've been with us before, 02:14 we've talked about communication. 02:15 I thought it would be great to talk about communication 02:18 in marriage and let me set you up by saying this. 02:20 You know when we are dating it seems that 02:24 we have so much time for communicating, 02:28 this process of discovery if you will, 02:31 but then I know that there are lot of women 02:34 in particular who feel that they've gone through 02:37 this courtship if you will and the man has been so 02:42 communicative and suddenly when they marry, 02:45 the communication seems to be left at the altar, 02:50 so what I like to talk about today are some of the 02:54 problems in communication and the stages 02:56 that couples go through in communication? 03:00 Would you like me to share some of the stages? 03:04 I surely would. Okay, when you first get married of 03:08 course like you were just saying before you get married 03:12 you got your best foot forward and so you don't 03:14 really get to know the person, it seems like until 03:18 you get married and the you are not married 03:20 for too long before you're like this, this is 03:22 not that person I married, you know they're like fat 03:24 and so all of sudden you're thinking, man I got 03:26 betrayed here you know and who is this person 03:29 I married you know and then you have to go through 03:31 the process of getting to know the real person 03:34 and you can do that with a lot of conflict or you can 03:37 do it with some good communication skills 03:40 and make it a very, very profitable opportunity 03:43 to get to know each other at a deeper level 03:47 and again make the allowances for each person 03:50 to be an individual, be their own person. Okay. 03:53 Instead of feeling that you have to control 03:54 the other person, somehow you are responsible 03:58 for all of their behavior or something like that 04:01 you know. Women say well you know, the man is, 04:07 my spouse is such a spender you know we're gonna 04:11 go bankrupt. Well if you go bankrupt you will learn 04:15 something from that, then you have got the results 04:17 of the bankrupt. Sometimes you have something to 04:20 plan on their face. You know you can make the appeal 04:23 to them and that's what you should do and try and 04:26 communicate it first, but I mean if worst comes 04:29 to worst. That would be the final analysis, 04:31 but its not worth ruining your relationship 04:34 and what's more important to you, your relationship 04:37 or being bankrupt. Now, if you can avoid being 04:41 bankrupt, sure you should try and do it. 04:45 But if worst comes to worst, put your priorities 04:47 straight first. Wow! That was, that's a tough one there. 04:50 Yeah, it is and so money is a problem and creates 04:54 communication difficulties in the marriage, 04:57 is that right? Oh absolutely. So would you then, 05:00 if you are counseling someone, premarital 05:03 counseling, you know that JD and I always discuss 05:07 money with the couple. You know their 05:09 spending habits, these are things that you know I want 05:13 to encourage you, if you are thinking about getting 05:15 married or if you have a child or a grandchild that's 05:18 about ready to get married. I would first encourage 05:21 you to have and go to a pastor and go through 05:24 some premarital counseling, but I would also 05:26 encourage you to mak certain that they discuss 05:29 how they're going to handle the money and what 05:32 you know understand the different spending habits 05:34 of one another and come to some agreements before 05:37 you marry, because if you just get married and 05:39 suddenly you are worried about bankruptcy, 05:40 that's a big problems. Oh exactly. But what are some 05:43 of the other than the challenge of really knowing 05:47 the real person. What are, are there any other challenges 05:50 say before the couple has children. What are, 05:55 are there any of the challenges other than the 05:57 true discovery of one another and money issues. 06:00 What are some of the other communication problems 06:03 that young couples have? I think arguing about things 06:06 and instead of hearing each other out, they might 06:11 try to convince each other that their position 06:13 is correct. The way I see things is correct and my wife 06:16 came up with a really interesting way of dealing 06:19 with this at the beginning of our marriage. 06:21 Would you like to share that? 06:22 Oh specially, spiders on the wall thing. 06:25 Oh about the spider on the wall. Yes we have, 06:29 what when you think about being married you have 06:33 lived your life as an individual either under your 06:37 parents jurisdiction or under their supervision of 06:40 whatever, or on your own for a period of time 06:42 and now you're intimately connected with another human 06:45 being and you are bound have conflict, 06:47 because everything that you do, you do according 06:51 to your routine or your needs and it can conflict 06:55 with someone else's needs or their routines or whatever. 06:58 So conflict is inevitable. And whose gonna win, 07:03 it doesn't have to be a win-win situation. Right. 07:07 It needs to be agreeable, mutually respectful and 07:12 a compromise with some give and take and as a nurse 07:17 in different areas that I have worked in and I worked 07:19 with people that have been under the influence 07:21 of alcohol to the point where they're actually 07:23 hallucinating and I have worked with in mental 07:27 health field too with kids that have been in a psychotic 07:32 episode of teenagers that have been in a psychosis 07:36 where the reality is not real, but they are seeing things, 07:41 hearing things. They are being impacted by things 07:44 from their brain, but it's not really there and so 07:50 when you approach a person like that and they're so 07:54 stressed out, because they're fearful. 07:56 There are spiders on the wall or they're seeing faces 07:58 or they're hearing these voices and they are just 08:00 you know fearing for their life literally. 08:02 You have to be very carefully in the way you deal 08:06 with them. In the way you speak with them and so 08:08 forth, even though you know there is nothing there. 08:11 There is no spiders on the wall. There is absolutely 08:13 nothing, they are in a safe, they're in a good sound 08:16 protected environment, but in their mind they're not 08:19 and so we decided that okay if I have an issue that 08:25 is so important to me I just say its my spider 08:27 on the wall and then he knows okay, that's really 08:31 important for you at this time whatever 08:33 it is I'll back off. Something that I can negotiate 08:36 with you about something that I can compromise will 08:38 go your way. So essentially if I'm understanding you, 08:42 what you're saying is that when something is so 08:45 important that maybe you might Duane recognize 08:49 that her perceptions a little distorted and it certainly 08:53 doesn't fit your reality. You don't see this as being 08:55 a real thing or something you should be fear. 08:58 She should be fearful of, but if this is that important 09:03 to her you are going to say alright that's your 09:06 spider on the wall. Right. I'm going to back off, 09:08 and we're going to kind of have a truce here. 09:11 We are gonna wait and eventually you may try 09:13 to communicate in such a way to prove 09:15 to her this is something else or? 09:18 And yet still be supportive of her. Okay. 09:20 Instead of being passive aggressive or any other type 09:25 of that. I mean yours was probably, instead of being 09:27 you know angry or arguing about it, 09:29 just you know we agree or disagree kind of thing 09:32 you know, but yeah still support the person and 09:35 whatever. Explain passive aggressive for some of 09:38 our viewers. they may know what you're talking about. 09:41 Okay, just not wanting to cooperate like for an 09:43 example okay. Lets say we are gonna both go to town 09:46 in the same car and I just drag my feet. 09:49 I just take my time on purpose just to make her angry. 09:54 You know that's like fighting quietly behind the scenes 09:57 type of thing. Okay. Compared to the other type 09:59 person that comes right out and attacks, 10:00 the aggressive aggressive, he screams and throws 10:03 things you know and very often that's the one partner 10:06 is the one why they call them the skunk and the turtle. 10:08 Right. You know you got that. person who's very 10:11 extrovert and yell and scream and throwing things 10:13 and the other person who fights the other way, 10:15 hiding behind the things and won't communicate 10:17 and runs and hides. I like that, the skunk and 10:21 the turtle. Skunks making a stink and the turtle 10:23 retreats. Yeah, goes in the shell. Right. The turtle, 10:26 when the turtle, the energy builds up so much 10:29 that turtle will come out and take a snap, 10:31 we got a snapping turtle right. So yeah, 10:34 so they're good, now, feeling stressed. Right, 10:37 so when a couple that you are working through 10:41 developing these communication skills, 10:45 learning how to communicate to a deeper level, 10:48 we did some programs about that earlier. 10:49 Would like to give just a one minute summary 10:52 of some of those communication skills. We can. 10:55 Yeah and even profess it by saying if the man can 10:59 give his spouse an opportunity to share how she 11:04 feels over a period of time without trying to jump right 11:08 in and solve it. I mean if the wound requests a solution 11:11 straight away then of course yeah we will come 11:13 up with the solution, but a lot of these things 11:16 can solve themselves just by using the skills of 11:20 communication by saying okay let me see if I understand 11:22 you correctly, you are saying that is that correct. 11:25 So go off of your own agenda off of your type of 11:30 thinking and prospective on the thing and focus 11:33 completely on the other person. Listening, 11:35 listening yeah, active listening. 11:37 Active listening where you're saying, 11:39 let me see if I understand you correctly. 11:40 Is this, is this what you're saying. 11:42 And the definition of active listening is to be able 11:45 to paraphrase what someone has said and kind 11:48 of get back to them the main key points of the context 11:52 or content. Exactly. Alright. And then check on their 11:55 feeling, you now, because if you do notice some 11:57 type of a feeling as we've mentioned in some 11:59 of our other programs, rising within yourselves. 12:02 There's a good chance that the other person 12:03 is feeling that too. Let them know that it's a possibility 12:06 that you have identified that someone of you are feeling 12:08 a little anxious or a little. So if a man is noticing that 12:11 his wife is suddenly giving him the silent treatment, 12:14 yeah and he noticed that you seem a little quiet here. 12:18 Alright. Are you upset with me or was I not sensitive 12:22 or whatever. Now if a wife comes to a man 12:25 and says to him. You're so insensitive you do, 12:28 how can a man defuse that situation? 12:32 Say, can you give me a specific reason, 12:36 because if they say you're insensitive. Insensitive 12:38 about what? Can you be specific about what 12:41 you're talking about? In other words you give them 12:44 the opportunity to go ahead and explain and explore 12:46 this situation with them without judging him, 12:49 criticizing, condemning them, calling them names. 12:52 And then another key that you had given us a 12:55 tool before is sometimes when somebody is really angry 12:58 and you're trying to defuse it. You call it fogging and 13:00 you say you know maybe I am insensitive sometimes 13:03 don't mean to be, but can be. Alright. Okay. 13:05 Yeah and then yeah, can you give me some examples 13:08 and just to describe the fog type of situation. 13:11 If you've ever driven in fog. I mean there is fog bank 13:14 and you go into this fog bank and its yeah, it's 13:17 a little hard to see where you are going and stuff, 13:20 but you know if you're careful and you stick with 13:22 the chances are you gonna come out okay. And the same 13:25 thing with the communication, okay there is tense 13:27 situation here. There is accusations coming out. 13:30 Its true, I'm not always as sensitive as I should be. 13:34 And can you give me some examples where I 13:36 can improve. So in another words you join that the 13:40 person to lets work together then to solve this. 13:44 And they're gonna come out a lot better that 13:46 way. Okay. So lets we're gonna kind of, 13:49 lets move through these stages and then 13:51 we'll comeback and talk about some generalities, 13:54 so a young couple as they're learning how to communicate 13:58 without letting arguments escalate, they're learning 14:02 how to agree to disagree when there's spiders 14:06 on the wall and learning these various communication 14:09 skills where they're sensing and picking up the feelings 14:13 of their partner. Now lets say their Mo Jo is going, 14:19 and everything is going well. We bring a baby into this, 14:23 everything changes, now what are some of the 14:27 communication problems. You know I really feel 14:30 and the Bible backs up this up, the man needs to takes 14:32 the lead in this. Because the one to begin with is going 14:37 to be totally exhausted and man is gonna we trust 14:39 help out with the baby in the middle of the night 14:42 and so forth, so they're both gonna be exhausted, 14:44 but still that stress if they can understand that's going 14:49 to come in a you know prepare for it ahead of time 14:52 particularly ways to defuse situation as we've talked 14:58 about you know let me see if I understand you 15:00 correctly and if the man can take the lead in just like 15:03 Christ did with his church and so the man does this with 15:08 his wife and that gives her an opportunity to let off some 15:14 stream to, so I'm sorry Duane, take the lead in? 15:18 Take the lead in the communication, okay. And 15:22 being the individual in the marriage who will do the 15:27 listening to start with. Okay. I mean we're trust thing 15:30 his wife is going to as well, but certainly if he can 15:34 that's gonna take a lot of stress off the new 15:37 child coming along and because the woman 15:40 is so exhausted from dealing with the child more 15:45 than the man would be. And Nancy, what are the, 15:48 I mean when a couple has children, 15:50 I mean the whole dynamics of the relationship 15:52 change doesn't it. What are some of the challenges? 15:54 Well, you're focused so much on that infant 15:57 or other children you know they're completely dependent 16:01 and so you are 24/7 taking care of their needs, 16:06 so you can minimize or ignore your own needs sometimes 16:10 and certainly the needs of your spouse are left and 16:13 it's important to recognize that you need to make 16:17 time for yourself and for your spouse whether it's by, 16:21 you know getting somebody to help you with 16:24 the child care, calling on a relative, 16:26 a friend to church, someone that you can trust. 16:28 Just even for short periods of time, even if it's just 16:30 after the kids go to bed or whatever, 16:33 you have a little bit of time where you can sit down 16:35 and agree. You know to talk so much of what we have 16:40 to do is share information about what needs to be 16:45 done here or disappointment or we got to get the kids 16:47 to the doctor or you know we have to get the groceries 16:50 done and it's just survival. Its like survival mode. 16:55 So, you tend to suppress your needs and do whatever 16:59 has to be done. You need to take time with your spouse 17:03 to set aside some time just to you know talk, 17:07 if you can't get out, go on the back porch, 17:09 go on the front porch, even go sit in the car and, 17:12 it's easy, roll the windows down on yourselves. 17:14 Roll the windows and just visit preferably in a nicer 17:18 environment than your car, but some place where 17:21 you can agree to just check up how you're doing, 17:26 how are things going, what's happening today. 17:27 What was you know when if you've been home, 17:31 especially if you're staying home with your kids or 17:33 if you're a working mom and your husband is working. 17:36 You are filled with all the things that are going on 17:38 at work and then you are filled with all the needs 17:42 of that of the home. Somebody has to take that 17:45 initiative and say, okay, how are you doing? 17:46 How are handling all this today? What's going on? 17:49 And what you unload and if you are more keen 17:54 on the communication process, you may have to take 17:55 that role with your spouse, with your husband and let 17:59 him unload a little bit and then hopefully you can 18:03 learn together, that's why taking a class, 18:05 taking a course, reading a book on communication 18:09 is so helpful, because these are not really behaviors. 18:13 We don't know this inherently, 18:15 we don't learn these usually from the people 18:18 that we live within our environment. 18:20 It's something that we have to learn. 18:21 And I'm sure that couples can become, 18:23 particularly young couples that are working with little 18:28 children the demands of our very hustle-bustle type 18:33 of lifestyle can be so overwhelming that you know 18:39 I see sometimes couples are dismissive with one another. 18:43 Somebody says something and they're too tired 18:46 and it's almost they use what we call blocking statements. 18:50 They don't really want to get into that conversation. 18:52 What is the danger of not addressing the emotional 18:58 needs of your spouse for young couples? 19:00 Yes, you definitely have to keep in close touch, 19:03 because things start to build, build, build and then 19:06 its hard to know where the issue really is. 19:08 I mean there might be a small little issue that crops 19:11 up and it's blown all out of proportion. Well, how did 19:14 that thing get started, we've got to go back sometimes 19:17 and find out you know how long has this thing been 19:19 building up for. Okay, so yeah, if you can keep in touch 19:22 completely. Now throughout the years my wife 19:26 and I have found that taking a walk in the evening 19:29 and of course if the children are small, you've got your, 19:31 with the nice strollers that they've got and these 19:34 look a lot nicer than we used to have, 19:36 that you can still get out there and take that walk 19:38 and talk while you're walking. 19:40 That's we got our exercise in, we got our communication in, 19:44 we went on an outing with the kids, 19:46 you know there's a lot of good things happened there. 19:49 And I'm sure that with new children that finance 19:53 is probably are adding extra stress. 19:56 How do couples who are and right now with the economic 20:02 condition of the United States and I know that there 20:06 is other, many other nations and countries 20:08 that have been affected by this. 20:10 How do couples avoid arguing over money? 20:16 Yeah, well each individual needs to have something 20:20 that they can call their own, you know that's difficult 20:24 to make that happen, because sometimes there is nothing 20:26 left after you buy all the necessities and if that's 20:30 the case then you're gonna have to live with it unless 20:33 you can develop some type of a little project where 20:36 you can put a few coins aside or something and then 20:38 treat yourself sometimes something like that, 20:41 but it's got to be agreed upon between the two of you, 20:43 because if somebody takes off on their own to do 20:46 something and sneakingly hides money away, 20:49 of course that's just gonna go. 20:50 Okay so and I hear you saying that if you have 20:54 agreed on this, you're saying have a budget that you 20:56 both agreed on, you know what your bills are, 20:59 budget you money and then if there's anything 21:01 that anyway that you can give a little allowance 21:04 to each other. So that you have a little bit of spending 21:07 independence. Exactly, andif you can't do that 21:11 then start saving up for that little rainy day, 21:15 you know, yeah, alright. 21:16 And you know so often nowadays at least in the area 21:21 that we live, I don't know about the other parts of the 21:23 country but the thrift shops now are, 21:25 there's closing, they're brand new. 21:28 Brand new and they're just like a quarter of the price 21:32 of being in a regular store, so sometimes just finding 21:35 a little ways like this to save money and work 21:38 together and come up with ideas, go online, 21:40 find out you know keep on clipping whatever 21:44 takes your fancy if it works. But when you have a, 21:47 lets say that we have a couple here who one has 21:51 very different spending habits and other and won't 21:54 reign them in what would you recommend 21:56 at that point in time? Yeah, you've got to sit 21:58 down and make an agreement and if you can't then 22:00 you have to get a third party to help you. 22:02 Make some agreements on this and stick with it 22:05 and go back and, then, so get some kind of a counseling 22:10 or a financial councilor or somebody that's gonna sit 22:14 with you. Yes, and be the arbitrator if you're saying 22:17 this is how it's going to be helpful. Exactly, 22:19 because there is no end to the amount of arguments 22:21 that the two of them could get in when they have totally 22:24 different spending habits. One wants to keep a budget, 22:26 and one doesn't. One says you don't need 22:28 a budget I'm just going to spend everything you know, 22:30 everything's gonna be fine. And it's not going to be fine. 22:33 Okay, so yeah definitely. Alright, so lets take this a 22:37 little bit to be beyond. We have got the new couples 22:40 and their communication challenges. 22:45 We've got and you know I don't mean to be insensitive, 22:48 but I want to, I think we have adults, I hope 22:52 this won't offend anyone. But even the physical 22:55 intimacy can be an area in which couples have problems 23:00 in communicating. Is that correct? Oh absolutely. 23:02 So they need to learn how to be open and honest 23:06 in asking these leading questions to facilitate a 23:12 more pleasant experience in that area as well. 23:15 Yeah, instead of the passive aggressive thing 23:17 you know and or the blocking you know with the, 23:21 I've got a headache that's a good blocker. Yeah, 23:23 instead of actually talking this out and negotiating 23:28 it out and coming to an agreement together, 23:30 because once you plan something out together 23:33 and you know they can look forward to a time when 23:37 you know it's gonna workout for both of them. 23:39 Okay. Communication again. Communication, 23:42 yeah and learning you know communication, 23:44 I'm understanding that the number one thing listening 23:48 is the best skill. Right, right. Now there is that point 23:53 that you have learn to express your own feelings, 23:56 that direct expression times. So know the next stage 24:00 in the marriage is what? Alright, we've got the 24:04 children and they're growing up and of course the expenses 24:07 just seem to keep increasing as they go on to college 24:10 and so forth and again yeah all the way through 24:13 and you know seminars and education on the development 24:18 of the children is to what to expect, what's normal what 24:22 isn't, what would a healthy family be, there needs to be 24:26 constant learning on these types of things and of course 24:29 there's a wealth of information on the Internet, 24:32 libraries whatever to find out you know how should 24:37 we relate together about a situation with child instead 24:41 of being in conflict. I mean if this is enormous change, 24:45 so we're talking about the actual guiding principles 24:48 for rearing your child or for disciplining a child that 24:51 can be a communication problem 24:53 between parents as well. Oh yes, yes and the 24:55 communication skills so important in working 24:58 with your children to able to make it a joy to have 25:02 children instead of a chore. Okay. Sore chore. 25:05 You were gonna say something? 25:07 Well I really think that's a excellent point that 25:10 you've brought up about. When you, learning doesn't stop 25:15 when you finish high school or college, 25:18 you need to continue learning new things and that gives 25:23 you more information to share. It gives you more common 25:26 ground, you can take courses together whether 25:29 they be in a formal setting or an informal setting 25:31 and its just, it's wonderful when you're learning 25:36 things together. Sharing, talking bringing up ideas, 25:39 giving yourself opportunity to express, exactly, 25:42 exploring new areas that you wouldn't have thought 25:46 of before. Gives you a common a bounding experience, 25:50 so it can be something that's directly related to what's 25:53 going on in your family at this point in your life 25:56 or it could be something of mutual interest, 25:59 you know that's computers or technology or something. 26:04 Let me be very specification case in point the two of you, 26:07 how old were you? Here you are, a Pastor, 26:10 Councilor, Educator. How old were you when you first 26:13 took the communication skills classes. 26:16 Well it probably wasn't until about 15 years after 26:18 our marriage. Okay, so for 15 years you were imploring 26:23 all of communication skills, now you took the classes 26:27 initially, that you joined in and also or 26:30 did you take them together. Yes, we did take that class 26:34 together and it was like the lights went on, 26:36 because he was able to listen to my insecurities 26:41 and my fears about our finances or about decisions 26:43 and even when our circumstances didn't change 26:46 significantly. We were able to communicate much better 26:49 and I felt so much more comfortable in relationship. 26:54 I could understand him better and his needs 26:57 and it's just made a great difference in our lives. 26:59 And you felt understood, is that correct. 27:02 Yes, very much so, so that comes back to something 27:05 I believe I said earlier in an earlier program that 27:08 people's greatest need is to feel understood. For sure. 27:13 You know I cannot believe our time is all gone, 27:16 because I know you all can talk on this for quite 27:18 some time, but Duane and Nancy, we just appreciate 27:22 so much you coming here today and thank you 27:25 for this wonderful. Absolutely. 27:28 For those of you at home, if you're married or thinking 27:33 about getting married, what you want to do is really think 27:36 about going to a communication skills course. 27:38 Don't wait 15 years like Duane and Nancy Andersen did, 27:41 now they're teaching the course of course. 27:44 And this is something that will enhance your marriage 27:48 if you learn how to communicate better. 27:50 May the Lord richly bless you, thank you. |
Revised 2014-12-17