Hi, I'm Shelley Quinn and
this is Issues and Answers.
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We are so glad that
you can join us today.
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We are going to be discussing
communication in marriage
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and I wanted to share
the scripture with you. I
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like this scripture, Ephesians
4:29 and the Bible says,
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Do not let any
unwholesome talk come
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out of your mouth, but only
what is helpful for building
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others up
according to their needs,
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that it may benefit
those who listen. Boy,
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if we could remember
that in marriage not to let
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anything come out of
her mouth that might tear
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or make down, our marriages
would be so much happier.
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And joining us today are
some Communication Experts
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Duane and Nancy Andersen.
Just partly your experts
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from experience.
Yeah, being human beings,
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learning the hard way.
Yes and Duane, you have your
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Masters Degree
in Counseling, yes
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and guidance you are
also a Pastor for 30 years
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and now you and your
wife Nancy who is a registered
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nurse have a ministry
called Care Consultants.
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What is the
acronym Care stand for?
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Care and Renewal
Education. Okay and you do
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different seminars, you
have, you go to churches,
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you have kind of,
the camps or retreats.
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We have groups in
our home at times to,
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have grief and loss
support groups. We do outreach
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for our church
and community, our
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church members
within our Adventist areas.
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Marriage renewals
seminars and I know you teach a
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lot on communication. So
you've been with us before,
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we've talked
about communication.
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I thought it would be great
to talk about communication
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in marriage and let me
set you up by saying this.
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You know when we
are dating it seems that
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we have so much
time for communicating,
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this process of
discovery if you will,
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but then I know that
there are lot of women
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in particular who feel
that they've gone through
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this courtship if you
will and the man has been so
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communicative and
suddenly when they marry,
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the communication seems
to be left at the altar,
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so what I like to talk
about today are some of the
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problems in
communication and the stages
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that couples go
through in communication?
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Would you like me to
share some of the stages?
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I surely would. Okay,
when you first get married of
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course like you were just
saying before you get married
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you got your best foot
forward and so you don't
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really get to know the
person, it seems like until
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you get married and
the you are not married
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for too long before
you're like this, this is
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not that person I married,
you know they're like fat
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and so all of sudden
you're thinking, man I got
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betrayed here you
know and who is this person
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I married you know and
then you have to go through
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the process of getting
to know the real person
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and you can do that with
a lot of conflict or you can
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do it with some
good communication skills
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and make it a very,
very profitable opportunity
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to get to know each
other at a deeper level
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and again make the
allowances for each person
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to be an individual,
be their own person. Okay.
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Instead of feeling
that you have to control
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the other person,
somehow you are responsible
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for all of their
behavior or something like that
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you know. Women say
well you know, the man is,
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my spouse is such a
spender you know we're gonna
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go bankrupt. Well if you
go bankrupt you will learn
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something from that,
then you have got the results
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of the bankrupt.
Sometimes you have something to
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plan on their face. You
know you can make the appeal
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to them and that's what
you should do and try and
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communicate it first,
but I mean if worst comes
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to worst. That would
be the final analysis,
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but its not worth
ruining your relationship
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and what's more important
to you, your relationship
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or being bankrupt.
Now, if you can avoid being
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bankrupt, sure you
should try and do it.
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But if worst comes to
worst, put your priorities
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straight first. Wow! That
was, that's a tough one there.
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Yeah, it is and so
money is a problem and creates
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communication
difficulties in the marriage,
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is that right? Oh
absolutely. So would you then,
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if you are
counseling someone, premarital
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counseling, you know
that JD and I always discuss
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money with the
couple. You know their
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spending habits, these are
things that you know I want
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to encourage you, if you
are thinking about getting
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married or if you have a
child or a grandchild that's
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about ready to get
married. I would first encourage
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you to have and go to
a pastor and go through
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some premarital
counseling, but I would also
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encourage you to mak
certain that they discuss
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how they're going to
handle the money and what
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you know understand the
different spending habits
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of one another and come
to some agreements before
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you marry, because if
you just get married and
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suddenly you are
worried about bankruptcy,
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that's a big problems. Oh
exactly. But what are some
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of the other than the
challenge of really knowing
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the real person. What are,
are there any other challenges
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say before the couple
has children. What are,
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are there any of the
challenges other than the
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true discovery of one
another and money issues.
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What are some of the
other communication problems
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that young couples have?
I think arguing about things
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and instead of hearing
each other out, they might
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try to convince each
other that their position
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is correct. The way I see
things is correct and my wife
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came up with a really
interesting way of dealing
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with this at the
beginning of our marriage.
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Would you like to share that?
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Oh specially,
spiders on the wall thing.
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Oh about the spider
on the wall. Yes we have,
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what when you think
about being married you have
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lived your life as an
individual either under your
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parents jurisdiction or
under their supervision of
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whatever, or on your
own for a period of time
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and now you're intimately
connected with another human
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being and you are
bound have conflict,
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because everything that
you do, you do according
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to your routine or your
needs and it can conflict
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with someone else's needs
or their routines or whatever.
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So conflict is
inevitable. And whose gonna win,
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it doesn't have to be a
win-win situation. Right.
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It needs to be agreeable,
mutually respectful and
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a compromise with some
give and take and as a nurse
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in different areas that I
have worked in and I worked
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with people that have
been under the influence
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of alcohol to the
point where they're actually
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hallucinating and I
have worked with in mental
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health field too with kids
that have been in a psychotic
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episode of teenagers
that have been in a psychosis
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where the reality is not real,
but they are seeing things,
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hearing things. They
are being impacted by things
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from their brain, but
it's not really there and so
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when you approach a
person like that and they're so
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stressed out,
because they're fearful.
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There are spiders on the
wall or they're seeing faces
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or they're hearing
these voices and they are just
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you know fearing for
their life literally.
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You have to be very
carefully in the way you deal
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with them. In the way
you speak with them and so
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forth, even though you
know there is nothing there.
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There is no spiders on
the wall. There is absolutely
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nothing, they are in a
safe, they're in a good sound
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protected environment,
but in their mind they're not
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and so we decided that
okay if I have an issue that
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is so important to me
I just say its my spider
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on the wall and then he
knows okay, that's really
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important for you
at this time whatever
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it is I'll back off.
Something that I can negotiate
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with you about something
that I can compromise will
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go your way. So essentially
if I'm understanding you,
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what you're saying is
that when something is so
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important that maybe
you might Duane recognize
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that her perceptions a little
distorted and it certainly
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doesn't fit your reality.
You don't see this as being
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a real thing or
something you should be fear.
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She should be fearful of,
but if this is that important
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to her you are going
to say alright that's your
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spider on the wall.
Right. I'm going to back off,
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and we're going to
kind of have a truce here.
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We are gonna wait and
eventually you may try
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to communicate in
such a way to prove
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to her this is
something else or?
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And yet still be
supportive of her. Okay.
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Instead of being passive
aggressive or any other type
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of that. I mean yours was
probably, instead of being
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you know angry
or arguing about it,
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just you know we agree
or disagree kind of thing
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you know, but yeah
still support the person and
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whatever. Explain
passive aggressive for some of
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our viewers. they may
know what you're talking about.
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Okay, just not wanting
to cooperate like for an
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example okay. Lets say
we are gonna both go to town
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in the same car and
I just drag my feet.
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I just take my time on
purpose just to make her angry.
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You know that's like fighting
quietly behind the scenes
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type of thing. Okay.
Compared to the other type
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person that comes
right out and attacks,
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the aggressive aggressive,
he screams and throws
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things you know and very
often that's the one partner
00:10:03.09\00:10:06.54
is the one why they call
them the skunk and the turtle.
00:10:06.57\00:10:08.51
Right. You know you
got that. person who's very
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extrovert and yell and
scream and throwing things
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and the other person
who fights the other way,
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hiding behind the
things and won't communicate
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and runs and hides. I
like that, the skunk and
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the turtle. Skunks
making a stink and the turtle
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retreats. Yeah, goes in
the shell. Right. The turtle,
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when the turtle, the
energy builds up so much
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that turtle will
come out and take a snap,
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we got a snapping
turtle right. So yeah,
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so they're good, now,
feeling stressed. Right,
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so when a couple that
you are working through
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developing these
communication skills,
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learning how to
communicate to a deeper level,
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we did some
programs about that earlier.
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Would like to give
just a one minute summary
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of some of those
communication skills. We can.
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Yeah and even profess
it by saying if the man can
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give his spouse an
opportunity to share how she
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feels over a period of time
without trying to jump right
00:11:04.83\00:11:08.61
in and solve it. I mean if
the wound requests a solution
00:11:08.64\00:11:11.81
straight away then of
course yeah we will come
00:11:11.84\00:11:13.71
up with the solution,
but a lot of these things
00:11:13.74\00:11:16.81
can solve themselves
just by using the skills of
00:11:16.84\00:11:20.12
communication by saying
okay let me see if I understand
00:11:20.15\00:11:22.76
you correctly, you are
saying that is that correct.
00:11:22.79\00:11:25.55
So go off of your own
agenda off of your type of
00:11:25.58\00:11:30.90
thinking and prospective
on the thing and focus
00:11:30.93\00:11:33.01
completely on the
other person. Listening,
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listening yeah,
active listening.
00:11:35.27\00:11:37.03
Active listening
where you're saying,
00:11:37.06\00:11:39.04
let me see if I
understand you correctly.
00:11:39.07\00:11:40.28
Is this, is this
what you're saying.
00:11:40.31\00:11:41.79
And the definition of
active listening is to be able
00:11:42.36\00:11:45.50
to paraphrase what
someone has said and kind
00:11:45.53\00:11:48.02
of get back to them the
main key points of the context
00:11:48.05\00:11:52.56
or content. Exactly.
Alright. And then check on their
00:11:52.59\00:11:55.46
feeling, you now,
because if you do notice some
00:11:55.49\00:11:57.77
type of a feeling as
we've mentioned in some
00:11:57.80\00:11:59.53
of our other programs,
rising within yourselves.
00:11:59.56\00:12:02.20
There's a good
chance that the other person
00:12:02.23\00:12:03.83
is feeling that too. Let them
know that it's a possibility
00:12:03.86\00:12:06.82
that you have identified
that someone of you are feeling
00:12:06.85\00:12:08.94
a little anxious or a little.
So if a man is noticing that
00:12:08.97\00:12:11.53
his wife is suddenly
giving him the silent treatment,
00:12:11.56\00:12:14.20
yeah and he noticed that
you seem a little quiet here.
00:12:14.23\00:12:18.17
Alright. Are you upset
with me or was I not sensitive
00:12:18.20\00:12:22.21
or whatever. Now if
a wife comes to a man
00:12:22.24\00:12:25.72
and says to him.
You're so insensitive you do,
00:12:25.75\00:12:28.89
how can a man
defuse that situation?
00:12:28.92\00:12:32.47
Say, can you give
me a specific reason,
00:12:32.50\00:12:35.98
because if they say
you're insensitive. Insensitive
00:12:36.01\00:12:38.54
about what? Can you
be specific about what
00:12:38.57\00:12:41.50
you're talking about? In
other words you give them
00:12:41.53\00:12:44.11
the opportunity to go
ahead and explain and explore
00:12:44.14\00:12:46.68
this situation with
them without judging him,
00:12:46.71\00:12:49.61
criticizing, condemning
them, calling them names.
00:12:49.64\00:12:52.80
And then another key
that you had given us a
00:12:52.83\00:12:55.44
tool before is sometimes
when somebody is really angry
00:12:55.47\00:12:58.44
and you're trying to defuse
it. You call it fogging and
00:12:58.47\00:13:00.65
you say you know maybe
I am insensitive sometimes
00:13:00.68\00:13:03.66
don't mean to be, but
can be. Alright. Okay.
00:13:03.69\00:13:05.90
Yeah and then yeah, can
you give me some examples
00:13:05.93\00:13:08.68
and just to describe
the fog type of situation.
00:13:08.71\00:13:11.46
If you've ever driven in
fog. I mean there is fog bank
00:13:11.49\00:13:14.87
and you go into this
fog bank and its yeah, it's
00:13:14.90\00:13:17.83
a little hard to see
where you are going and stuff,
00:13:17.86\00:13:20.43
but you know if you're
careful and you stick with
00:13:20.46\00:13:22.47
the chances are you gonna
come out okay. And the same
00:13:22.50\00:13:25.23
thing with the communication,
okay there is tense
00:13:25.26\00:13:27.59
situation here. There
is accusations coming out.
00:13:27.62\00:13:30.31
Its true, I'm not always
as sensitive as I should be.
00:13:30.34\00:13:34.06
And can you give me
some examples where I
00:13:34.09\00:13:36.51
can improve. So in
another words you join that the
00:13:36.54\00:13:40.27
person to lets work
together then to solve this.
00:13:40.30\00:13:43.38
And they're gonna
come out a lot better that
00:13:44.39\00:13:45.97
way. Okay. So lets
we're gonna kind of,
00:13:46.00\00:13:49.36
lets move through
these stages and then
00:13:49.39\00:13:51.52
we'll comeback and talk
about some generalities,
00:13:51.55\00:13:53.99
so a young couple as they're
learning how to communicate
00:13:54.02\00:13:57.99
without letting arguments
escalate, they're learning
00:13:58.02\00:14:02.47
how to agree to
disagree when there's spiders
00:14:02.50\00:14:06.10
on the wall and learning
these various communication
00:14:06.13\00:14:09.64
skills where they're sensing
and picking up the feelings
00:14:09.67\00:14:13.88
of their partner. Now
lets say their Mo Jo is going,
00:14:13.91\00:14:19.18
and everything is going
well. We bring a baby into this,
00:14:19.21\00:14:23.42
everything changes,
now what are some of the
00:14:23.45\00:14:26.98
communication
problems. You know I really feel
00:14:27.01\00:14:30.43
and the Bible backs up
this up, the man needs to takes
00:14:30.46\00:14:32.69
the lead in this. Because
the one to begin with is going
00:14:32.72\00:14:37.12
to be totally exhausted
and man is gonna we trust
00:14:37.15\00:14:39.45
help out with the baby
in the middle of the night
00:14:39.48\00:14:42.05
and so forth, so
they're both gonna be exhausted,
00:14:42.08\00:14:44.19
but still that stress if
they can understand that's going
00:14:44.22\00:14:49.88
to come in a you know
prepare for it ahead of time
00:14:49.91\00:14:52.91
particularly ways to
defuse situation as we've talked
00:14:52.94\00:14:58.00
about you know let me
see if I understand you
00:14:58.03\00:15:00.34
correctly and if the man
can take the lead in just like
00:15:00.37\00:15:03.37
Christ did with his church
and so the man does this with
00:15:03.40\00:15:08.69
his wife and that gives her
an opportunity to let off some
00:15:08.72\00:15:14.90
stream to, so I'm sorry
Duane, take the lead in?
00:15:14.93\00:15:18.65
Take the lead in the
communication, okay. And
00:15:18.68\00:15:22.11
being the individual in
the marriage who will do the
00:15:22.14\00:15:27.47
listening to start with.
Okay. I mean we're trust thing
00:15:27.50\00:15:30.29
his wife is going to as
well, but certainly if he can
00:15:30.32\00:15:34.46
that's gonna take a
lot of stress off the new
00:15:34.49\00:15:37.71
child coming along
and because the woman
00:15:37.74\00:15:40.84
is so exhausted from
dealing with the child more
00:15:40.87\00:15:45.52
than the man would be.
And Nancy, what are the,
00:15:45.55\00:15:48.06
I mean when a
couple has children,
00:15:48.09\00:15:50.54
I mean the whole
dynamics of the relationship
00:15:50.57\00:15:52.75
change doesn't it. What
are some of the challenges?
00:15:52.78\00:15:54.86
Well, you're focused
so much on that infant
00:15:54.89\00:15:57.66
or other children you know
they're completely dependent
00:15:57.69\00:16:01.96
and so you are 24/7
taking care of their needs,
00:16:01.99\00:16:06.71
so you can minimize or
ignore your own needs sometimes
00:16:06.74\00:16:10.58
and certainly the needs
of your spouse are left and
00:16:10.61\00:16:13.68
it's important to
recognize that you need to make
00:16:13.71\00:16:17.60
time for yourself and for
your spouse whether it's by,
00:16:17.63\00:16:21.12
you know getting
somebody to help you with
00:16:21.15\00:16:24.44
the child care,
calling on a relative,
00:16:24.47\00:16:26.17
a friend to church,
someone that you can trust.
00:16:26.20\00:16:28.32
Just even for short periods
of time, even if it's just
00:16:28.35\00:16:30.94
after the kids go
to bed or whatever,
00:16:30.97\00:16:33.29
you have a little bit of
time where you can sit down
00:16:33.32\00:16:35.89
and agree. You know to
talk so much of what we have
00:16:35.92\00:16:40.47
to do is share information
about what needs to be
00:16:40.50\00:16:45.65
done here or disappointment
or we got to get the kids
00:16:45.68\00:16:47.64
to the doctor or you know
we have to get the groceries
00:16:47.67\00:16:50.92
done and it's just survival.
Its like survival mode.
00:16:50.95\00:16:54.99
So, you tend to suppress
your needs and do whatever
00:16:55.02\00:16:59.75
has to be done. You need
to take time with your spouse
00:16:59.78\00:17:03.35
to set aside some
time just to you know talk,
00:17:03.38\00:17:07.06
if you can't get
out, go on the back porch,
00:17:07.09\00:17:09.01
go on the front porch,
even go sit in the car and,
00:17:09.04\00:17:12.05
it's easy, roll the
windows down on yourselves.
00:17:12.08\00:17:14.87
Roll the windows and just
visit preferably in a nicer
00:17:14.90\00:17:18.95
environment than your
car, but some place where
00:17:18.98\00:17:21.02
you can agree to just
check up how you're doing,
00:17:21.05\00:17:26.07
how are things going,
what's happening today.
00:17:26.10\00:17:27.94
What was you know
when if you've been home,
00:17:27.97\00:17:31.85
especially if you're
staying home with your kids or
00:17:31.88\00:17:33.78
if you're a working mom
and your husband is working.
00:17:33.81\00:17:36.41
You are filled with all
the things that are going on
00:17:36.44\00:17:38.46
at work and then you are
filled with all the needs
00:17:38.49\00:17:42.58
of that of the home.
Somebody has to take that
00:17:42.61\00:17:45.24
initiative and say,
okay, how are you doing?
00:17:45.27\00:17:46.93
How are handling all
this today? What's going on?
00:17:46.96\00:17:49.46
And what you unload
and if you are more keen
00:17:49.49\00:17:54.32
on the communication
process, you may have to take
00:17:54.35\00:17:55.93
that role with your spouse,
with your husband and let
00:17:55.96\00:17:59.44
him unload a little bit
and then hopefully you can
00:17:59.47\00:18:03.33
learn together,
that's why taking a class,
00:18:03.36\00:18:05.61
taking a course,
reading a book on communication
00:18:05.64\00:18:09.38
is so helpful, because
these are not really behaviors.
00:18:09.41\00:18:13.04
We don't know this inherently,
00:18:13.07\00:18:15.24
we don't learn these
usually from the people
00:18:15.27\00:18:18.27
that we live
within our environment.
00:18:18.30\00:18:20.24
It's something
that we have to learn.
00:18:20.27\00:18:21.24
And I'm sure that
couples can become,
00:18:21.26\00:18:23.68
particularly young couples
that are working with little
00:18:23.71\00:18:28.67
children the demands of
our very hustle-bustle type
00:18:28.70\00:18:33.66
of lifestyle can be so
overwhelming that you know
00:18:33.69\00:18:39.32
I see sometimes couples are
dismissive with one another.
00:18:39.35\00:18:43.03
Somebody says
something and they're too tired
00:18:43.06\00:18:46.35
and it's almost they use what
we call blocking statements.
00:18:46.38\00:18:50.01
They don't really want to
get into that conversation.
00:18:50.04\00:18:52.92
What is the danger of
not addressing the emotional
00:18:52.95\00:18:57.99
needs of your
spouse for young couples?
00:18:58.02\00:18:59.99
Yes, you definitely
have to keep in close touch,
00:19:00.02\00:19:03.24
because things start to
build, build, build and then
00:19:03.27\00:19:06.03
its hard to know
where the issue really is.
00:19:06.06\00:19:08.68
I mean there might be a
small little issue that crops
00:19:08.71\00:19:11.52
up and it's blown all out
of proportion. Well, how did
00:19:11.55\00:19:14.24
that thing get started,
we've got to go back sometimes
00:19:14.27\00:19:17.10
and find out you know
how long has this thing been
00:19:17.13\00:19:19.55
building up for. Okay, so
yeah, if you can keep in touch
00:19:19.58\00:19:22.43
completely. Now
throughout the years my wife
00:19:22.46\00:19:26.00
and I have found that
taking a walk in the evening
00:19:26.03\00:19:28.99
and of course if the children
are small, you've got your,
00:19:29.02\00:19:31.12
with the nice strollers
that they've got and these
00:19:31.15\00:19:34.39
look a lot nicer
than we used to have,
00:19:34.42\00:19:36.52
that you can still get
out there and take that walk
00:19:36.55\00:19:38.86
and talk while you're walking.
00:19:38.89\00:19:40.84
That's we got our exercise
in, we got our communication in,
00:19:40.87\00:19:44.68
we went on an
outing with the kids,
00:19:44.71\00:19:46.62
you know there's a lot of
good things happened there.
00:19:46.65\00:19:49.14
And I'm sure that with
new children that finance
00:19:49.17\00:19:53.87
is probably are
adding extra stress.
00:19:53.90\00:19:56.85
How do couples who are and
right now with the economic
00:19:56.88\00:20:02.20
condition of the United
States and I know that there
00:20:02.23\00:20:06.12
is other, many other
nations and countries
00:20:06.15\00:20:08.55
that have been affected by this.
00:20:08.58\00:20:10.39
How do couples
avoid arguing over money?
00:20:10.42\00:20:15.84
Yeah, well each individual
needs to have something
00:20:16.95\00:20:20.17
that they can call their
own, you know that's difficult
00:20:20.20\00:20:24.04
to make that happen, because
sometimes there is nothing
00:20:24.07\00:20:26.77
left after you buy all
the necessities and if that's
00:20:26.80\00:20:30.77
the case then you're gonna
have to live with it unless
00:20:30.80\00:20:33.36
you can develop some
type of a little project where
00:20:33.39\00:20:36.22
you can put a few coins
aside or something and then
00:20:36.25\00:20:38.58
treat yourself
sometimes something like that,
00:20:38.61\00:20:41.36
but it's got to be agreed
upon between the two of you,
00:20:41.39\00:20:43.92
because if somebody
takes off on their own to do
00:20:43.95\00:20:46.34
something and
sneakingly hides money away,
00:20:46.37\00:20:49.33
of course that's just gonna go.
00:20:49.36\00:20:50.80
Okay so and I hear you
saying that if you have
00:20:50.83\00:20:54.13
agreed on this, you're
saying have a budget that you
00:20:54.16\00:20:56.85
both agreed on, you
know what your bills are,
00:20:56.88\00:20:59.10
budget you money and
then if there's anything
00:20:59.13\00:21:01.34
that anyway that you
can give a little allowance
00:21:01.37\00:21:04.19
to each other. So that you
have a little bit of spending
00:21:04.22\00:21:07.86
independence. Exactly,
andif you can't do that
00:21:07.89\00:21:11.74
then start saving up
for that little rainy day,
00:21:11.77\00:21:15.07
you know, yeah, alright.
00:21:15.10\00:21:16.69
And you know so often
nowadays at least in the area
00:21:16.72\00:21:21.01
that we live, I don't know
about the other parts of the
00:21:21.04\00:21:23.25
country but the
thrift shops now are,
00:21:23.28\00:21:25.58
there's closing,
they're brand new.
00:21:25.61\00:21:28.95
Brand new and they're just
like a quarter of the price
00:21:28.98\00:21:32.94
of being in a regular
store, so sometimes just finding
00:21:32.97\00:21:35.87
a little ways like
this to save money and work
00:21:35.90\00:21:38.33
together and come up
with ideas, go online,
00:21:38.36\00:21:40.84
find out you know
keep on clipping whatever
00:21:40.87\00:21:44.64
takes your fancy if it
works. But when you have a,
00:21:44.67\00:21:47.94
lets say that we have
a couple here who one has
00:21:47.97\00:21:51.70
very different spending
habits and other and won't
00:21:51.73\00:21:54.49
reign them in what
would you recommend
00:21:54.52\00:21:56.22
at that point in time?
Yeah, you've got to sit
00:21:56.25\00:21:58.62
down and make an
agreement and if you can't then
00:21:58.65\00:22:00.70
you have to get a
third party to help you.
00:22:00.73\00:22:02.64
Make some agreements
on this and stick with it
00:22:02.67\00:22:04.98
and go back and, then, so
get some kind of a counseling
00:22:05.01\00:22:10.71
or a financial councilor
or somebody that's gonna sit
00:22:10.74\00:22:14.51
with you. Yes, and be the
arbitrator if you're saying
00:22:14.54\00:22:17.67
this is how it's going
to be helpful. Exactly,
00:22:17.70\00:22:19.24
because there is no end
to the amount of arguments
00:22:19.27\00:22:21.31
that the two of them could
get in when they have totally
00:22:21.34\00:22:24.32
different spending habits.
One wants to keep a budget,
00:22:24.35\00:22:26.07
and one doesn't.
One says you don't need
00:22:26.10\00:22:28.56
a budget I'm just going
to spend everything you know,
00:22:28.59\00:22:30.75
everything's gonna be fine.
And it's not going to be fine.
00:22:30.78\00:22:33.83
Okay, so yeah definitely.
Alright, so lets take this a
00:22:33.86\00:22:37.34
little bit to be beyond.
We have got the new couples
00:22:37.37\00:22:40.74
and their
communication challenges.
00:22:40.77\00:22:44.57
We've got and you know I
don't mean to be insensitive,
00:22:45.35\00:22:48.45
but I want to, I
think we have adults, I hope
00:22:48.48\00:22:52.01
this won't offend
anyone. But even the physical
00:22:52.04\00:22:55.72
intimacy can be an area in
which couples have problems
00:22:55.75\00:23:00.63
in communicating. Is
that correct? Oh absolutely.
00:23:00.66\00:23:02.77
So they need to learn
how to be open and honest
00:23:02.80\00:23:06.38
in asking these leading
questions to facilitate a
00:23:06.41\00:23:12.75
more pleasant
experience in that area as well.
00:23:12.78\00:23:15.85
Yeah, instead of the
passive aggressive thing
00:23:15.88\00:23:17.47
you know and or the
blocking you know with the,
00:23:17.50\00:23:20.97
I've got a headache
that's a good blocker. Yeah,
00:23:21.00\00:23:23.91
instead of actually
talking this out and negotiating
00:23:23.94\00:23:28.15
it out and coming to
an agreement together,
00:23:28.18\00:23:30.39
because once you plan
something out together
00:23:30.42\00:23:33.62
and you know they can
look forward to a time when
00:23:33.65\00:23:37.18
you know it's gonna
workout for both of them.
00:23:37.21\00:23:39.01
Okay. Communication
again. Communication,
00:23:39.04\00:23:42.70
yeah and learning
you know communication,
00:23:42.73\00:23:44.73
I'm understanding that
the number one thing listening
00:23:44.76\00:23:48.70
is the best skill. Right,
right. Now there is that point
00:23:48.73\00:23:53.03
that you have learn to
express your own feelings,
00:23:53.06\00:23:56.92
that direct expression
times. So know the next stage
00:23:56.95\00:24:00.65
in the marriage is
what? Alright, we've got the
00:24:00.68\00:24:04.47
children and they're growing
up and of course the expenses
00:24:04.50\00:24:07.41
just seem to keep increasing
as they go on to college
00:24:07.44\00:24:10.30
and so forth and again
yeah all the way through
00:24:10.33\00:24:13.52
and you know seminars and
education on the development
00:24:13.55\00:24:18.12
of the children is to what
to expect, what's normal what
00:24:18.15\00:24:22.24
isn't, what would a healthy
family be, there needs to be
00:24:22.27\00:24:26.15
constant learning on these
types of things and of course
00:24:26.18\00:24:29.28
there's a wealth of
information on the Internet,
00:24:29.31\00:24:32.32
libraries whatever to
find out you know how should
00:24:32.35\00:24:37.22
we relate together about a
situation with child instead
00:24:37.25\00:24:41.74
of being in conflict. I
mean if this is enormous change,
00:24:41.77\00:24:45.02
so we're talking about
the actual guiding principles
00:24:45.05\00:24:48.15
for rearing your child or
for disciplining a child that
00:24:48.18\00:24:51.43
can be a communication problem
00:24:51.46\00:24:53.05
between parents as
well. Oh yes, yes and the
00:24:53.08\00:24:55.64
communication skills
so important in working
00:24:55.67\00:24:58.15
with your children to
able to make it a joy to have
00:24:58.18\00:25:02.28
children instead of a
chore. Okay. Sore chore.
00:25:02.31\00:25:05.82
You were gonna say something?
00:25:05.85\00:25:07.68
Well I really think
that's a excellent point that
00:25:07.71\00:25:10.66
you've brought up about.
When you, learning doesn't stop
00:25:10.69\00:25:15.53
when you finish
high school or college,
00:25:15.56\00:25:17.99
you need to continue learning
new things and that gives
00:25:18.02\00:25:23.31
you more information to
share. It gives you more common
00:25:23.34\00:25:26.35
ground, you can take
courses together whether
00:25:26.38\00:25:28.99
they be in a formal
setting or an informal setting
00:25:29.02\00:25:31.66
and its just, it's
wonderful when you're learning
00:25:31.69\00:25:36.67
things together. Sharing,
talking bringing up ideas,
00:25:36.70\00:25:39.82
giving yourself
opportunity to express, exactly,
00:25:39.85\00:25:42.94
exploring new areas that
you wouldn't have thought
00:25:42.97\00:25:46.09
of before. Gives you a
common a bounding experience,
00:25:46.12\00:25:50.46
so it can be something that's
directly related to what's
00:25:50.49\00:25:53.84
going on in your family
at this point in your life
00:25:53.87\00:25:56.24
or it could be
something of mutual interest,
00:25:56.27\00:25:59.30
you know that's computers
or technology or something.
00:25:59.33\00:26:04.24
Let me be very specification
case in point the two of you,
00:26:04.27\00:26:07.96
how old were you?
Here you are, a Pastor,
00:26:07.99\00:26:10.67
Councilor, Educator. How
old were you when you first
00:26:10.70\00:26:13.64
took the
communication skills classes.
00:26:13.67\00:26:16.12
Well it probably wasn't
until about 15 years after
00:26:16.15\00:26:18.96
our marriage. Okay, so for
15 years you were imploring
00:26:18.99\00:26:23.25
all of communication
skills, now you took the classes
00:26:23.28\00:26:27.92
initially, that you
joined in and also or
00:26:27.95\00:26:30.55
did you take them together.
Yes, we did take that class
00:26:30.58\00:26:34.11
together and it was
like the lights went on,
00:26:34.14\00:26:36.67
because he was able to
listen to my insecurities
00:26:36.70\00:26:41.20
and my fears about our
finances or about decisions
00:26:41.23\00:26:43.54
and even when our
circumstances didn't change
00:26:43.57\00:26:46.42
significantly. We were
able to communicate much better
00:26:46.45\00:26:49.66
and I felt so much more
comfortable in relationship.
00:26:49.69\00:26:54.39
I could understand
him better and his needs
00:26:54.42\00:26:56.99
and it's just made a
great difference in our lives.
00:26:57.02\00:26:59.89
And you felt
understood, is that correct.
00:26:59.92\00:27:02.12
Yes, very much so, so
that comes back to something
00:27:02.15\00:27:05.47
I believe I said earlier
in an earlier program that
00:27:05.50\00:27:08.96
people's greatest need is
to feel understood. For sure.
00:27:08.99\00:27:13.56
You know I cannot
believe our time is all gone,
00:27:13.59\00:27:16.44
because I know you all
can talk on this for quite
00:27:16.47\00:27:18.43
some time, but Duane and
Nancy, we just appreciate
00:27:18.46\00:27:22.29
so much you coming
here today and thank you
00:27:22.32\00:27:25.60
for this wonderful. Absolutely.
00:27:25.63\00:27:28.13
For those of you at home,
if you're married or thinking
00:27:28.16\00:27:33.02
about getting married, what
you want to do is really think
00:27:33.05\00:27:36.29
about going to a
communication skills course.
00:27:36.32\00:27:38.74
Don't wait 15 years like
Duane and Nancy Andersen did,
00:27:38.77\00:27:41.81
now they're teaching
the course of course.
00:27:41.84\00:27:44.50
And this is something
that will enhance your marriage
00:27:44.53\00:27:48.20
if you learn how
to communicate better.
00:27:48.23\00:27:50.21
May the Lord richly
bless you, thank you.
00:27:50.24\00:27:52.76