¤ ¤ 00:00:01.36\00:00:28.39 Hi, I'm Shelley Quinn. Welcome again to Issues and Answers. 00:00:28.42\00:00:33.43 Let me ask you a question. How are your communication 00:00:33.46\00:00:37.60 skills? Have you ever just absolutely lost it and said 00:00:37.63\00:00:41.70 something to somebody that you really didn't mean to say only 00:00:41.77\00:00:45.11 to see them react in such a negative way that you yourself 00:00:45.14\00:00:49.41 end up getting hurt. You know we all have to be careful how we 00:00:49.44\00:00:53.52 talk to one another don't we? Sometimes just these feelings 00:00:53.55\00:00:57.52 are bubbling up and they come out before you can really kind 00:00:57.55\00:01:01.52 of filter through them. But the Bible instructs us. Jesus said 00:01:01.56\00:01:06.26 in Luke 6:31 Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 00:01:06.29\00:01:11.00 You've got to remember when someone's coming at you and 00:01:11.03\00:01:14.64 their feelings are raw and they're saying something that 00:01:14.67\00:01:18.21 perhaps you might misinterpret that if you can be the calm one 00:01:18.24\00:01:22.48 and do to them what you'd like someone to do to you in that 00:01:22.51\00:01:26.72 case then that's good communication skills. 00:01:26.75\00:01:29.98 Returning today we have a very special couple with us. They are 00:01:30.02\00:01:34.46 counselors and they are the co-founders of CARE Consultants. 00:01:34.52\00:01:38.93 That's C-A-R-E, stands for Care and Education Renewal 00:01:38.96\00:01:43.43 Consultants. So we want to thank you both, Duane and Nancy. 00:01:43.47\00:01:47.80 Thank you so much for coming back. Andersen - I forgot your 00:01:47.84\00:01:52.17 last name. I knew it but everybody else might not. 00:01:52.21\00:01:56.31 So you're coming to us from Mesa, Arizona. You've only been 00:01:56.34\00:02:03.49 retired from a pastorate since May and you're into full time 00:02:03.55\00:02:08.89 counseling now, but you've done a lot of counseling in the past. 00:02:08.92\00:02:13.86 I know that you all do a lot of seminars, go to churches. Let me 00:02:13.90\00:02:18.80 ask you a question up front. If somebody were interested in 00:02:18.83\00:02:21.80 coming to one of your seminars how would they find you? 00:02:21.84\00:02:25.87 Well first of all our website is a way to get in touch with 00:02:25.91\00:02:29.54 us. They can certainly do that. Our phone number, address and 00:02:29.61\00:02:33.21 everything is on the website. 00:02:33.25\00:02:34.75 And your website is dna, which is Duane and Nancy Andersen, 00:02:34.78\00:02:41.16 dna, just think about your DNA. dnasda for Seventh-day Adventist 00:02:41.22\00:02:50.67 dot org. So dnasda. org. Good. Okay. Now today we're going to 00:02:50.70\00:02:56.97 be continuing something that we've talked about in the past 00:02:57.01\00:03:01.74 few programs, but if you messed the others don't worry about 00:03:01.78\00:03:06.18 that, because what we've been talking about are communication 00:03:06.21\00:03:09.98 skills and what we're going to do today is just some role 00:03:10.02\00:03:13.29 playing. This ought to be fun because it will give you the 00:03:13.32\00:03:17.63 opportunity to actually see communication skills at work. 00:03:17.69\00:03:21.93 To begin with why don't we recap Duane why don't you talk about 00:03:21.96\00:03:26.80 some of the most basic communication skills, most 00:03:26.84\00:03:31.11 important of which is listening. 00:03:31.14\00:03:32.84 Exactly, yes. We want to make sure that we facilitate people 00:03:32.87\00:03:37.81 to go to a deeper level. So much of our everyday interaction is 00:03:37.85\00:03:42.28 on a surface level or shall we say head, cognitive, compared 00:03:42.32\00:03:46.55 with heart. But we've got a lot of heart issues going on that 00:03:46.59\00:03:50.99 to be addressed. Many times people have nobody to talk to, 00:03:51.03\00:03:55.96 nobody to unload their heart to another human being. Yes, we 00:03:56.00\00:04:00.94 unload it to the Lord but very often we need another person to 00:04:00.97\00:04:05.51 just be as if Christ was right there listening to us to unload 00:04:05.54\00:04:10.45 our ups and downs and hurts and have somebody listen in a way 00:04:10.51\00:04:15.38 that they use skills like paraphrasing for example. 00:04:15.42\00:04:19.59 Instead of blocking a person and saying oh well I had something 00:04:19.62\00:04:22.66 like that too and you know you just got to tough it out. Well 00:04:22.72\00:04:25.43 that's blocking the person. That's not facilitating them to 00:04:25.46\00:04:29.03 go to a deeper level. So the first think you would do is just 00:04:29.06\00:04:32.50 make sure you understand what the person is saying. So you 00:04:32.53\00:04:36.00 would paraphrase what they've said. I usually let them talk 00:04:36.04\00:04:41.24 for a while, maybe three, four, five sentences, maybe even five 00:04:41.31\00:04:46.51 minutes and do summary. Just say okay now let me see if I 00:04:46.55\00:04:49.52 understand you correctly. Then I'll go over the key points 00:04:49.55\00:04:52.49 that they're bringing out to make sure that I'm on the right 00:04:52.55\00:04:56.06 track, focusing completely on them, not bringing myself into 00:04:56.09\00:04:59.49 it at all. Because that is the thing that the person is looking 00:04:59.53\00:05:03.93 for. Who is going to listen to me and what's going on in my 00:05:03.97\00:05:08.10 life? Because hardly anybody really does that. I mean, I was 00:05:08.14\00:05:11.87 thinking in school. I worked in the school system too for a long 00:05:11.91\00:05:15.64 time and I thought well these kids talk to each other. They 00:05:15.68\00:05:18.68 don't need anybody to talk to. But these kids said, they don't 00:05:18.71\00:05:21.68 listen to me. These kids block each other. And they would 00:05:21.72\00:05:25.65 come down, of course, to the counselor's office and I would 00:05:25.69\00:05:28.92 have the opportunity to help them go through some things. 00:05:28.96\00:05:32.79 So yeah, paraphrase the statements that they're making 00:05:32.83\00:05:36.80 and then check in on their feelings, like I'm wondering if 00:05:36.87\00:05:40.70 you're feeling a little bit anxious about this or tense or 00:05:40.74\00:05:44.71 whatever type of feeling that their talking brought up inside 00:05:44.74\00:05:48.54 of me, because very often it'll bring up the same thing inside 00:05:48.58\00:05:52.31 of you as they're experiencing. So check that out. I was 00:05:52.35\00:05:55.35 wondering if you're feeling tense, I was wondering... 00:05:55.38\00:05:58.65 So a little boy comes to you and says my mom has cancer. 00:05:58.69\00:06:01.86 So that's a good thing to start trying to check his feelings and 00:06:01.89\00:06:06.76 let him talk it out, you know, about I'm wondering are you 00:06:06.80\00:06:10.37 feeling anxious about this, are you worried about the treatment, 00:06:10.40\00:06:14.14 you know, are you fearful that your mom might die? I mean, do 00:06:14.17\00:06:17.91 you go that far? 00:06:17.94\00:06:19.41 Yeah, I would start out you see with asking him well when did 00:06:19.44\00:06:23.51 you hear about this? You know, how long has it been. What was 00:06:23.55\00:06:28.28 your reaction when you heard? Have you heard anything lately? 00:06:28.32\00:06:32.25 You know, just to kind of find out where are they in this thing 00:06:32.29\00:06:36.69 Okay. Then walk them through the different stages. As they talk 00:06:36.73\00:06:41.10 you can also get things to pick up on that you can help them 00:06:41.13\00:06:46.33 work through. Then definitely do you think this is serious 00:06:46.37\00:06:49.94 enough that your mom might die or something? Did the hospital 00:06:49.97\00:06:53.54 say anything about this. You know just check it out because 00:06:53.58\00:06:57.18 what's he thinking? I mean you don't want to plant something in 00:06:57.21\00:07:00.82 his mind that would scare the little guy or something like 00:07:00.85\00:07:05.69 that but again these skills need to be practiced. We're not 00:07:05.72\00:07:10.33 saying that using these skills is going to turn somebody into 00:07:10.36\00:07:14.96 a therapist or a clinical psychologist or something 00:07:15.00\00:07:18.20 like this. This is just being a caring 00:07:18.23\00:07:20.24 human being. Yes, just being a caring human 00:07:20.30\00:07:22.67 being. Do unto others as you would like 00:07:22.70\00:07:25.04 them to do... Exactly, exactly so. Yeah people 00:07:25.07\00:07:28.31 shouldn't get carried away with the use of these but definitely 00:07:28.34\00:07:33.18 we should use them just to try and help people get through life 00:07:33.21\00:07:37.99 easier, we're helping to shoulder their burdens like the 00:07:38.02\00:07:41.32 scripture says. We talked about in one of our previous sessions 00:07:41.36\00:07:45.69 about weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those 00:07:45.73\00:07:47.83 who rejoice. So this can be used in many, 00:07:47.86\00:07:51.80 many instances in just everyday life actually. But Nancy if you 00:07:51.83\00:07:57.01 all wouldn't mind taking this on as a role playing exercise. You 00:07:57.04\00:08:02.34 mentioned to me earlier that you had had a certain situation at 00:08:02.38\00:08:07.62 school that actually you felt like your life could be in 00:08:07.65\00:08:11.69 danger or you were threatened. Could you just share that a 00:08:11.72\00:08:15.39 little bit and then what I'd like you to do is after you 00:08:15.42\00:08:19.49 explain that then I'd like to see y'all role play. Or maybe 00:08:19.53\00:08:23.06 just share it with him like you're role playing now and 00:08:23.10\00:08:26.60 let you walk her through how she felt during this particular 00:08:26.63\00:08:31.47 incident. Okay. I had this really scary 00:08:31.51\00:08:39.28 encounter that happened at work today and I'm really feeling 00:08:39.31\00:08:43.05 stressed out about it. 00:08:43.08\00:08:45.75 Okay it was a bad situation that happened at work and it was 00:08:45.82\00:08:49.52 scary for you? Yes it was. It had to do with 00:08:49.56\00:08:53.86 this little boy that came in and the teacher actually referred 00:08:53.90\00:08:58.90 him to my office. He had these slap marks right on his cheek. 00:08:58.93\00:09:03.91 I mean it was very obvious finger prints and he actually 00:09:03.94\00:09:06.74 when the teacher asked him what happened he said his mother had 00:09:06.78\00:09:09.88 slapped him in the face. So they sent him right down, of course, 00:09:09.94\00:09:13.01 to the nurse's office and I verified yeah there were 00:09:13.05\00:09:15.35 definitely marks there. 00:09:15.38\00:09:16.72 Okay, so you're saying the teacher brought him in and these 00:09:16.75\00:09:20.39 red marks were still on the side of his cheek. Is that correct? 00:09:20.42\00:09:25.89 Yes, you could still see the fingerprint marks. So we had to 00:09:25.93\00:09:31.73 I had to do a CPS referral and they're supposed to assure that 00:09:31.77\00:09:38.11 they don't release information and that kind of thing. I've 00:09:38.14\00:09:43.91 never had a problem with it before and I gave my name and 00:09:43.95\00:09:49.68 explained the situation. 00:09:49.72\00:09:51.05 So you weren't really feeling fearful at this point? 00:09:51.09\00:09:53.76 No, no, it was just part of my responsibility as the school 00:09:53.79\00:09:58.19 nurse to reply to that. Yeah. It wasn't a problem. It was a 00:09:58.23\00:10:02.60 couple of days later though that the father of this child came in 00:10:02.63\00:10:08.70 It was at lunch time and I was in my office and I didn't have 00:10:08.74\00:10:14.74 any kids in the office and the hall door was open and he just 00:10:14.78\00:10:20.75 walked in. He didn't go in through the main part of the 00:10:20.78\00:10:24.02 office, he just walked into my office and he started yelling at 00:10:24.05\00:10:26.65 me and walking right up and getting right in my face and 00:10:26.69\00:10:31.39 shaking his hand and he was furious, he was angry. He had a 00:10:31.43\00:10:35.80 German accent and it was a little bit difficult for me to 00:10:35.83\00:10:40.57 understand his words. So I was feeling really very threatened 00:10:40.60\00:10:45.67 and wasn't sure just exactly what to do and was trying to 00:10:45.74\00:10:50.75 back out of the office because the other door in my office 00:10:50.78\00:10:55.72 opened into the main receptionist area and the suite 00:10:55.75\00:10:59.42 where the principal was and other staff. 00:10:59.45\00:11:02.39 Did you connect the two situations together already as 00:11:02.42\00:11:04.89 soon as you saw him that he was the father of the boy that you'd 00:11:04.93\00:11:08.26 reported? Not at first. At first I didn't 00:11:08.30\00:11:10.37 realize he was his dad but as he got talking more and more then 00:11:10.43\00:11:14.84 I realized oh this is his father and you know somehow he's 00:11:14.87\00:11:19.67 figured out that I was involved in this call and he was very 00:11:19.71\00:11:24.48 upset because we were questioning his parental 00:11:24.51\00:11:28.58 authority and that he disciplines his child and he 00:11:28.62\00:11:32.65 loves his children, he would never hurt them and that this 00:11:32.69\00:11:36.16 was completely inappropriate for us to be doing this and so 00:11:36.19\00:11:39.63 forth. So did you just have some like 00:11:39.66\00:11:41.86 immediate anxious tense type feelings come up? 00:11:41.93\00:11:46.17 Well yeah. At that time he was physically invading my area and 00:11:46.20\00:11:51.97 I just felt kind of paralyzed. I didn't know what to do and I 00:11:52.04\00:11:55.88 was just trying to back out so that I could get into a place 00:11:55.94\00:11:58.85 where there were other people. I just felt like if there were 00:11:58.88\00:12:02.62 other people around then he wouldn't be able to... I wasn't 00:12:02.68\00:12:06.25 sure that he wouldn't even just hit me in the face or you know 00:12:06.29\00:12:09.82 try to do something physical. 00:12:09.86\00:12:11.23 So you were in an enclosed area to begin with. That's what made 00:12:11.26\00:12:16.36 you really nervous about the situation. 00:12:16.40\00:12:18.60 Yeah there was no one else around. 00:12:18.63\00:12:20.40 As you quickly thought about it you were looking for an escape 00:12:20.44\00:12:24.07 plan. Yeah I was. But as it turned out 00:12:24.11\00:12:30.05 he finally calmed down and I tried to just confirm that I 00:12:30.08\00:12:35.88 knew that his best interest was for his children and that he 00:12:35.92\00:12:41.66 really didn't want to do anything that would be harmful 00:12:41.69\00:12:46.29 and just tried to talk to him in a calm manner. He finally 00:12:46.33\00:12:50.90 de-escalated and then eventually he left the office. 00:12:50.93\00:12:54.84 So how are you feeling about that right now? Like you just 00:12:54.87\00:12:59.07 went through this today you're saying and that talking to me 00:12:59.11\00:13:02.98 tonight about this situation. How are you feeling right now? 00:13:03.01\00:13:10.39 Well, I still feel emotionally kind of shaken up about the 00:13:10.42\00:13:16.76 experience but I do want to think about ways that I can 00:13:16.79\00:13:23.06 minimize this kind of negative behavior. I think that CPS has 00:13:23.13\00:13:29.77 some sort of responsibility, but on the other hand it's pretty 00:13:29.80\00:13:36.41 easy to assume if you're children don't have a lot of 00:13:36.44\00:13:39.18 contact with other people that it must be somebody at school 00:13:39.21\00:13:42.25 and the school nurse would be a likely candidate. So it may be 00:13:42.28\00:13:44.79 something that I'll have to deal within the future as well. 00:13:44.82\00:13:47.49 So you were just trying to think about what you could get 00:13:47.52\00:13:50.09 out of it to benefit, any kind of good that you can learn from 00:13:50.13\00:13:53.76 it or something like that. Is that what you're saying? 00:13:53.80\00:13:55.53 Well I don't know. I guess seeing it on the positive light, 00:13:55.56\00:14:02.14 yes. It's not going to deter me from doing what I need to do 00:14:02.17\00:14:07.58 on behalf of the child because even though it's intimidating 00:14:07.61\00:14:11.95 for me I have to make sure that the child's interest is... 00:14:11.98\00:14:16.32 I mean who knows what's going on in that family. 00:14:16.35\00:14:19.75 So what you're doing here in this role playing. I thought it 00:14:19.79\00:14:25.13 might be a little bit more obvious than that but I noticed 00:14:25.16\00:14:29.96 a number of times as she was beginning to tell you about the 00:14:30.00\00:14:34.74 events of the day, then you paraphrased, summed it up to let 00:14:34.77\00:14:39.11 her know that you really were listening and how did that make 00:14:39.17\00:14:43.18 you feel as a wife when you did come home and tell him this? 00:14:43.21\00:14:47.22 Well it was very helpful because it was really a very 00:14:47.25\00:14:52.55 upsetting experience. So to have him thoroughly listen, draw me 00:14:52.59\00:14:57.59 out, allow me to talk about it, allow me to share as long as I 00:14:57.63\00:15:02.60 needed to. It was very helpful. 00:15:02.63\00:15:05.27 I noticed as you were role playing you didn't make any 00:15:05.30\00:15:08.50 blocking statements like oh well you knew you were in a safe 00:15:08.54\00:15:12.07 environment, they had to come through, he couldn't have 00:15:12.11\00:15:15.81 carried a weapon onto school, or you were within shouting 00:15:15.84\00:15:19.48 distance. You didn't do anything to minimize that, so that was 00:15:19.51\00:15:24.22 very good. And I also noticed that you began to draw out her 00:15:24.25\00:15:28.12 feelings by asking questions, you know, how did that make you 00:15:28.19\00:15:31.89 feel. So you're saying this, you were saying that, and you were 00:15:31.93\00:15:35.30 trying to get at a deeper level. I appreciated what you did there 00:15:35.36\00:15:39.70 about... You took it almost from something being negative, so you 00:15:39.73\00:15:44.07 see this as a learning experience, and you took it, you 00:15:44.11\00:15:47.74 kind of put a positive twist on it. I think that was very 00:15:47.78\00:15:52.31 helpful to see. You know you said at first people would know 00:15:52.35\00:15:56.85 that you're practicing but I could see where I would 00:15:56.89\00:16:01.06 appreciate a conversation like this even though you all teach 00:16:01.12\00:16:05.46 this together. You're not thinking well he's practicing on 00:16:05.49\00:16:09.70 me. Yeah after you do this for a while it becomes a part of you. 00:16:09.73\00:16:14.44 He's letting me speak this and not have to stuff or suppress 00:16:14.47\00:16:19.14 the feelings that I have. That's really excellent 00:16:19.17\00:16:21.78 You know another reason that I think we do the blocking is 00:16:21.84\00:16:26.58 because we're scared about the situation. I mean, I could be 00:16:26.61\00:16:30.55 scared that something bad was going to happen to my wife and 00:16:30.59\00:16:34.09 so I can start saying things that aren't helpful to her at 00:16:34.12\00:16:37.53 all. I could say well why didn't you do this and why didn't you 00:16:37.59\00:16:39.49 do that. Well you knew the principal was going to be back 00:16:39.53\00:16:42.63 any minute so you should be... You know and that's just 00:16:42.66\00:16:47.00 covering up my fears and not knowing what to do, but here I 00:16:47.04\00:16:51.67 don't have to do that. I can see just by helping her work this 00:16:51.71\00:16:55.14 through this. She going to feel better and I'm going to feel 00:16:55.18\00:16:58.55 better and it's nice when you wife feels better because then 00:16:58.58\00:17:01.92 things go better. 00:17:01.95\00:17:03.28 That's true, that's true. Excellent. Okay, if mama ain't 00:17:03.32\00:17:06.99 happy nobody's happy is an old saying. But there was a time 00:17:07.02\00:17:10.83 when you were playing Tim the Tool Man and she didn't want you 00:17:10.86\00:17:14.10 to play Tim the Tool Man. Now let me set this up real quickly. 00:17:14.13\00:17:17.70 Basically you've got a house that had a little powder room 00:17:17.73\00:17:21.24 in the hall. You wanted to put in a shower. She didn't want it. 00:17:21.27\00:17:25.67 Esthetically she didn't think it looked good but you're thinking 00:17:25.71\00:17:30.35 very utilitarian, pragmatic. Something interesting happened. 00:17:30.38\00:17:35.08 He went ahead and did something you flat said don't do this 00:17:35.12\00:17:39.12 shower. He did do it. You're in the other room. You've told him 00:17:39.15\00:17:43.12 if you do this there's going to be a big mess. You're not 00:17:43.16\00:17:46.59 qualified to do this and you know that there's a flood in the 00:17:46.66\00:17:50.10 other room. You've already given him you bottom line. You didn't 00:17:50.17\00:17:54.04 want this shower and now he's gone ahead, cut through the wall 00:17:54.10\00:17:57.67 cut through the main line and you're sitting there thinking 00:17:57.71\00:18:01.24 what? I just could not hardly keep my 00:18:01.28\00:18:07.02 composure. Once he got the towels and mopped up the floor 00:18:07.05\00:18:13.79 and I thought I can't go now and interfere because he needs to 00:18:13.82\00:18:20.06 get the pipes together so we don't have a flood out in the 00:18:20.10\00:18:26.27 the whole house or whatever. But then later on I just said well 00:18:26.33\00:18:34.21 we talked about this and just couldn't hardly contain myself. 00:18:34.24\00:18:39.78 But you did. You didn't really get angry. I mean you didn't 00:18:39.81\00:18:45.32 express anger toward him. 00:18:45.35\00:18:48.29 I was angry inside but I didn't want to yell or whatever 00:18:48.32\00:18:52.89 because it doesn't... it's not productive. You know when you 00:18:52.93\00:18:57.93 have conflict you don't resolve anything. The best way to learn 00:18:57.97\00:19:04.21 is by experience and sometimes you both learn the lesson and 00:19:04.24\00:19:09.11 you may feel like you didn't have to learn it this way but 00:19:09.14\00:19:14.02 for your partner's, you husband's benefit or for your 00:19:14.05\00:19:17.05 benefit you do have to learn the lesson that way. 00:19:17.09\00:19:20.02 So am I understanding you correctly that it was basically 00:19:20.06\00:19:24.66 that you had a bottom line, no shower. He had a bottom line, 00:19:24.69\00:19:28.46 we're going to do the shower. And in this instance you decided 00:19:28.50\00:19:32.27 okay he's got to learn by experience. I can't always have 00:19:32.30\00:19:38.07 my way. We're at a stalemate so he's made his own little mess 00:19:38.11\00:19:43.85 we're going to let him clean it up. There's no use of me 00:19:43.88\00:19:46.31 shouting because it was just as important to him to have a 00:19:46.38\00:19:49.72 shower and it was to you not to have a shower. So there was a 00:19:49.75\00:19:53.36 communication that was going on there and the communication was 00:19:53.42\00:19:56.99 you've got as much right and you agree to disagree and I 00:19:57.03\00:20:02.30 guess she let you clean up the mess. Oh yes. 00:20:02.33\00:20:05.90 You know part of the communication process, Shelley, 00:20:05.93\00:20:08.57 is common courtesy and courtesy in communicating says that my 00:20:08.60\00:20:14.21 needs are as important as your needs. 00:20:14.24\00:20:19.08 Let me say that and rephrase that because I think you meant 00:20:19.11\00:20:21.42 to say courtesy is saying your needs are as important as mine. 00:20:21.48\00:20:23.75 Right, that's what I wanted to say. So that our mutual 00:20:23.79\00:20:30.59 understanding or our relationship will benefit by 00:20:30.63\00:20:33.56 my having the mutual respect and that your needs and my needs can 00:20:33.60\00:20:39.30 be met and we're going to work this out until we get it solved. 00:20:39.33\00:20:44.97 And even though you have a different opinion, a different 00:20:45.01\00:20:49.11 way of reacting, a different pathway to take to solve the 00:20:49.14\00:20:53.21 problem at the end it will work out. 00:20:53.25\00:20:57.79 So this was kind of a milestone for you all wasn't it not to sit 00:20:57.82\00:21:02.09 and really argue it out and haggle over these things and I 00:21:02.12\00:21:06.33 understand, Nancy, tell me if this is true. A little birdie 00:21:06.36\00:21:10.50 told me that esthetically it turned out to look pretty good. 00:21:10.53\00:21:14.04 It did look much nicer than I thought it was going to look. 00:21:14.07\00:21:17.54 You can still get in the bathroom and you can shut the 00:21:17.57\00:21:23.01 door and you can wash your hands It turned out very nice. 00:21:23.04\00:21:28.35 Did Tim the Tool Man say arrrg? That's great. But you know I 00:21:28.38\00:21:32.62 like your point there because I think there comes a time in 00:21:32.65\00:21:37.16 every marriage if you can reach that point and I know we did 00:21:37.19\00:21:41.50 early on. I used to pray before we got married. I said Oh Lord 00:21:41.53\00:21:45.93 make me a scriptural wife. I prayed so hard for that. I also 00:21:45.97\00:21:50.97 prayed when we first got married and said Lord pleeez put a 00:21:51.01\00:21:55.61 bridle on my tongue. Put a guard at the door post of my mouth. 00:21:55.64\00:22:00.22 I remember there were a few times where, especially when 00:22:00.25\00:22:04.82 you're newlyweds, that something would come up and I would think 00:22:04.85\00:22:08.49 no we've discussed it all the way through and he was bent on 00:22:08.52\00:22:12.13 doing something and you just have to say well okay. I'm 00:22:12.16\00:22:17.63 supposed to be the submissive wife there, he's supposed to be 00:22:17.67\00:22:19.97 the tie breaker. He'd go do something and it would be 00:22:20.00\00:22:21.90 exactly what I said and you're so tempted to say I told you so. 00:22:21.94\00:22:25.44 And you just had to put that guard at the doorpost of your 00:22:25.47\00:22:30.25 mouth. Let him learn by experience. I'm sure he's done 00:22:30.28\00:22:35.15 that with me. But the interesting thing is even though 00:22:35.18\00:22:40.02 we didn't argue over it and we didn't really discuss it much 00:22:40.06\00:22:45.46 I found out years later he knew all, he knew what I was keeping 00:22:45.49\00:22:50.07 back. You know he appreciated those things. So that's part of 00:22:50.10\00:22:54.17 communication is letting someone else be who they are as well. 00:22:54.20\00:22:58.27 I appreciated that too. She could have got me as soon as 00:22:58.31\00:23:01.41 that pipe broke and water went all over the place she could 00:23:01.44\00:23:04.91 have come in here and really given me a lecture. I told you 00:23:04.95\00:23:08.38 this was going to happen and you went ahead anyway. You just had 00:23:08.42\00:23:10.95 to have your way didn't you. I mean you know we could have got 00:23:10.99\00:23:14.26 into that. When our relationship is cemented prior to that and 00:23:14.29\00:23:18.13 like she was saying we've had the experience before. We know 00:23:18.16\00:23:21.73 when we come to these kinds of situations there's no use 00:23:21.76\00:23:25.23 letting them go in that negative direction. It's not going to be 00:23:25.27\00:23:28.94 productive for either. 00:23:28.97\00:23:30.71 Yeah, yeah, that's good, that's good. Now give us, we only have 00:23:30.74\00:23:34.11 just a few minutes left. In my mind I'm thinking can you do 00:23:34.14\00:23:38.11 like a parent/child role play real quick and show how a 00:23:38.15\00:23:41.22 parent might handle a child that's having a problem. 00:23:41.28\00:23:44.29 Okay. What was the idea of you crawling out of your window last 00:23:44.35\00:23:52.09 night and not coming back till 2 o'clock in the morning. 00:23:52.13\00:23:55.46 Well you know don't worry about it, Dad. It wasn't a big deal. 00:23:55.50\00:23:59.70 Me and my friend, we just wanted to go out and we were 00:23:59.73\00:24:03.57 just take a walk and it was a moon light night and there's 00:24:03.61\00:24:07.38 some of us going to get together and I knew you wouldn't give me 00:24:07.41\00:24:09.41 permission so I just... So you just went ahead anyway. 00:24:09.44\00:24:12.01 Is that it? Yeah, yeah, I did. I went anyway 00:24:12.05\00:24:14.08 Well listen, I don't approve of that at all and from now on 00:24:14.12\00:24:17.45 you're grounded for the next month. 00:24:17.49\00:24:19.75 Well that's not fair. How can you ground me? We didn't do 00:24:19.79\00:24:22.86 anything. I was with my friends. They can be a witness. 00:24:22.89\00:24:25.89 You were the one that made the choice. You went out. Now you've 00:24:25.96\00:24:28.76 got to pay for it. 00:24:28.80\00:24:30.13 All right, now. Let's take it and use really good 00:24:30.17\00:24:32.07 communication skills on this. show us how it would be 00:24:32.10\00:24:34.64 different. All righty. 00:24:34.67\00:24:36.00 All right. I noticed last night that you've been gone out 00:24:36.04\00:24:38.91 of your bedroom window and didn't come back till 2 in the 00:24:38.94\00:24:41.91 morning and I was wondering what was going on. Can you share 00:24:41.94\00:24:44.85 that with me? Well it was a moonlit night, 00:24:44.88\00:24:49.35 a full moon last night, and we just wanted to go out. It's 00:24:49.38\00:24:52.72 beautiful weather and we just wanted to go out. Two of my 00:24:52.75\00:24:56.06 girlfriends were just going to go out for walk, going to hang 00:24:56.09\00:25:01.46 out and talk and, you know, just have some freedom, no big deal. 00:25:01.50\00:25:06.03 So you went out knowing that I don't approve of it and that's 00:25:06.07\00:25:09.80 why you went out the window because you know I wouldn't give 00:25:09.84\00:25:13.54 you permission. Is that correct? 00:25:13.58\00:25:14.91 Well, yes. I knew you wouldn't let me go. I knew you wouldn't 00:25:14.94\00:25:17.71 give me permission so I had to crawl out the window. 00:25:17.75\00:25:19.95 So in spending time with your friends you really enjoyed that. 00:25:20.02\00:25:23.45 But let me as you this question. How do you feel about our 00:25:23.49\00:25:26.89 relationship and you're going out of the window? How do you 00:25:26.92\00:25:30.29 feel that's affecting our relationship? 00:25:30.33\00:25:33.83 Well I do feel guilty because I was like I knew that I shouldn't 00:25:33.86\00:25:39.23 be doing this so I did feel kind of guilty when I was doing it. 00:25:39.30\00:25:43.37 I felt bad and I really didn't enjoy the experience with my 00:25:43.41\00:25:47.44 friends as much as I would have otherwise. 00:25:47.48\00:25:48.81 Okay. So give me your understanding of what should be 00:25:50.91\00:25:54.98 done about this. 00:25:55.02\00:25:56.35 Well I think that probably I need to check with you and ask 00:25:56.38\00:26:02.76 let you know what we wanted to do and I do believe that you 00:26:02.79\00:26:10.37 love me and you want my best interest. And if you can 00:26:10.40\00:26:12.50 understand how important it is for me to be with my friends 00:26:12.53\00:26:14.97 that maybe we can... Work something out so that you 00:26:15.00\00:26:18.37 can be with your friends and you won't have to go out the window. 00:26:18.44\00:26:21.04 Okay, well that sounds good to me. 00:26:21.08\00:26:22.54 Boy are you a lenient parent. You're grounded young lady! 00:26:22.58\00:26:27.62 You but I would say too we need to talk about this a little more 00:26:27.65\00:26:32.62 Talk about this a little more. Well but I can see that it's 00:26:32.65\00:26:36.09 something that instead of putting a child on the defense 00:26:36.12\00:26:40.03 and making them think you're not really listening to me. If 00:26:40.10\00:26:43.80 you start drawing out what's important. You know they say 00:26:43.83\00:26:47.57 kids really do want boundaries so lot of times that just 00:26:47.60\00:26:50.84 showing that kind of interest. You know what? Our time is 00:26:50.91\00:26:54.44 already all gone. I want to thank you so much for coming. 00:26:54.51\00:26:58.58 Thank you for sharing all of these wonderful things about 00:26:58.61\00:27:02.35 communicating and we hope you'll come back and see us again. 00:27:02.38\00:27:06.92 Our guests today have been Duane and Nancy Andersen and they've 00:27:06.96\00:27:12.29 been teaching us to do active listening to really be able to 00:27:12.33\00:27:17.63 repeat and paraphrase the main points of someone else's 00:27:17.67\00:27:20.10 conversation to learn how to use questions that actually get 00:27:20.14\00:27:26.88 somebody going into a deeper level. Not to use blocking 00:27:26.91\00:27:31.51 statements but to develop a closer relationship through more 00:27:31.55\00:27:34.68 effective communication. I hope you've enjoyed this. It's been 00:27:34.72\00:27:38.42 fun for us here. I hope you learned something. I know I have 00:27:38.45\00:27:42.32 So for those of you at home we just pray that the grace of our 00:27:42.36\00:27:45.69 Lord Jesus Christ, the love of the Father and the fellowship 00:27:45.73\00:27:49.06 of the Holy Spirit will be with you today and always. 00:27:49.10\00:27:52.20 Thanks for joining us. 00:27:52.23\00:27:54.67