Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Duane Anderson, Nancy Anderson
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000373
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00:28 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn. Welcome again to 00:32 Issues and Answers. I think you're going to be glad 00:34 you tuned in today. We are talking about the importance and 00:38 significance of communication skills. This set we have a 00:42 couple returning. We've been discussing this for a couple of 00:46 programs here. But I wanted to read something to you from Luke 00:50 chapter 4 and I think that you'll see as Christians how 00:53 important this is for us. This is Jesus speaking and he said: 00:58 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me because he has anointed me to 01:03 preach the good news, the gospel to the poor, he has sent me to 01:09 announce release to the captives and recovery of sight to the 01:13 blind, to send forth delivered those who are oppressed, to 01:18 proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord. You know sometimes 01:22 people are oppressed around us. Many times people's hearts are 01:27 breaking and we don't know. I remember once hearing treat 01:31 everyone as if their heart is breaking because it probably is. 01:35 But if we will learn how to employ good communication skills 01:39 we can reach people at their need. Let me introduce our 01:44 special guests today. We have returning Duane and Nancy 01:48 Andersen from Mesa, Arizona. Thanks for coming back again. 01:52 Thank you. Now Nancy tell me about your 01:55 ministry CARE. Care stands for Care and 01:58 Renewal Education and for quite a few years we have been 02:01 providing seminars for friends, family, church members, anyone 02:06 that's interested in various topics: Grief and loss, marriage 02:11 enrichment and communication skills, things like that. And 02:16 the communication skills seems to be a pretty basic need and 02:21 well received and a lot of people like to have that ability 02:25 to feel comfortable when they're talking to strangers or talking 02:29 to family members and it's very compatible with the grief and 02:34 loss work that we have done as well. Because a lot of times 02:39 when you're talking to someone who is grieving and as you said 02:43 you heart is breaking inside, it will spill out. It will spill 02:47 out in emotions or it will spill out in little conversation and 02:51 if you are comfortable and secure in your communication 02:55 skills you can invite them to share more of what's on their 03:00 heart which can be very healing and very therapeutic. 03:04 Now Duane you received your masters in counseling and 03:08 guidance. You were a pastor and educator. Right. Counselor. 03:12 When I opened with that scripture, I know you love that 03:16 scripture, how do you feel that the significance of 03:21 communication skills that we can really help release the captive? 03:25 Why do you feel that that scripture is so important? 03:29 Yes, it was interesting in my own experience I'm going to 03:33 share that you know when I really became a born-again 03:38 Christian at age 22, I experienced a real close walk 03:42 with the Lord but didn't realize that that didn't just 03:46 solve all my problems. There were a lot of hurtful 03:50 experiences I'd gone through in the past which were weighing me 03:55 down. I mean, I needed to be released. I was a captive to my 03:59 own hurts and pain of the past and I didn't even realize, 04:04 didn't know, at the time that this could be taken care of 04:09 quite easily simply by finding somebody to go and talk to, to 04:13 go over these issues and get them resolved, have the Lord 04:16 give me the healing that I needed. So I just kept pushing 04:21 on until I was at midlife and just ran out of energy and it 04:26 was only then that I was able to go to a counselor and get the 04:30 help because I really felt the need. 04:32 You said you ran out of energy. You were pastoring. Was this 04:36 kind of really a burnout? 04:38 Oh yes. I mean I was exhausted and a lot of times people might 04:43 not realize it but when they say they've burned out it's because 04:48 there's things that are taking the energy that finally by mid 04:53 life I just didn't have any left and I thought I was all over. 04:57 I thought how can I ever go back to work? I just don't have the 05:01 energy to work. You lose all kind of desire, no interest in 05:05 work anymore. All right so in James 5:16 when 05:09 he says confess your faults one to another and pray for one 05:14 another that you may be healed. How do you feel that this 05:19 relates to what we're discussing today? 05:22 I had some situations happen in my life that ended up being a 05:27 fault in me, you know. Some type of a thing that weighed me down 05:31 that kept me back from my true potential and it affected 05:34 everything. It affected my marriage, it affected my career, 05:38 it affected my relationship with my children and if I had have 05:41 got these things taken care of sooner, I mean the Lord wants to 05:46 give us the healing, but so often, especially males, it's 05:48 private, it holds us 05:49 back. I wanted to be the tough guy, to be able to handle all of 05:54 this and I'm just going to push it through. 05:56 You wanted to be the pastor that's giving all the good 05:58 counseling and not admit that you've got any problems. 06:01 Yes. And of course the counseling was not as effective 06:04 as it could have been because I wasn't going to a deeper level. 06:09 OK. So people were not getting the relief that they needed 06:12 because I needed to get the relief in order to help somebody 06:15 else to get the relief. 06:18 Had you not had any problems, what you needed to learn was 06:24 Let me say this in a different way. You did have problems 06:30 you learned how to release them and 06:33 how to communicate which made it more effective for you, but 06:37 even if someone did not have those problems, if they haven't 06:39 learned these communication skills they still may not be 06:42 giving good counsel because they put a band aid on it rather 06:46 than lancing the wound and letting it out. 06:49 Exactly. I mean we all go through experiences in life that 06:53 are painful, that are hurtful. We live in this world how can 06:56 you avoid it? If we don't have somebody who can really tune in 06:59 to us, who can really understand us, who can really walk through 07:03 that as we mentioned in the scriptures, rejoice with those 07:07 who rejoice and weep with those who weep. That's the only way 07:11 that I know of that you can effectively do this. I mean, 07:16 true you can be there for the person and not even say anything 07:19 and that's a big help and sometimes that's the best thing 07:21 to do. So for example, let me give you 07:23 an example then: When there's a death in the family that's 07:27 when many people feel that you don't know what to say. Right 07:31 exactly. How do you deal with someone. Sometimes it is best 07:35 just to be there and not ask a bunch of questions that are 07:38 stupid. But let's say that someone comes to you and they're 07:41 talking about a death in the family. How do you relate to 07:44 someone like that to get to a deeper level? 07:46 Actually I've felt most rewarded when working with people who 07:51 are going through grief and loss not that it's a selfish thing 07:55 to reward me, but to help them walk through, go through their 08:00 grief with them and they like to talk about different things. 08:04 They might not want to say anything for a while or, you know 08:07 you let them take the lead. They might want to talk about a 08:10 humorous thing that happened. Let's say it's a spouse you know 08:14 When my spouse did this it was always so funny and of course if 08:17 I knew them I would share a little bit too that this is what 08:20 I enjoyed and appreciated about them. They want to talk about 08:24 that person. By having the listening skills you don't worry 08:28 so much about what am I going to say because that used to be a 08:31 that worried me the most. What am I going to say to these 08:35 people. Like going into a hospital where a man just lost 08:38 both of his legs, one above the knee and one below the knee. 08:42 What are you going to say to him? You don't have to say 08:45 anything to start with. Just listen to him. What's he going 08:48 through? Be there for him and walk through it with him. 08:52 Give me an example, I mean, when you said walking into a hospital 08:56 room where someone is a double amputee. How do you even start 09:01 the conversation to listen to them? 09:02 You know at that time I was really floored because I did not 09:07 know. I hadn't taken this course and I did not know what to do. 09:12 Now the man kept saying it's hard to get a good man down, 09:15 it's hard to get a good man down He kept saying this and I 09:18 thought well what is he talking about? Well inside of six months 09:23 or so he got his legs healed up, he got prosthetics and he was 09:27 back on the job. I don't know how long it was for sure, six 09:31 months, a year, whatever. But that was something that he 09:35 inside of his heart had made his mind up, a very determined man, 09:39 to not let anything like this get him down. And of course if 09:42 I had more of the listening skills I wouldn't have been so 09:45 helpless, you know. What do you do in a situation like this? 09:48 What do you say to man who just lost his legs? I mean. 09:51 So what would you say now with those listening skills? 09:54 Yeah, I would have said so you're saying that this is not 09:57 going to get you down. No it's not going to get me down, it's 10:00 not going to get me down. And you know sometimes, if I can 10:04 just tell a little experience here, going back to a child who 10:09 was four years old when his mother who had had an operation 10:13 back about four weeks earlier and died in the home and he was 10:17 with his mother while she was dead all that day before 10:20 somebody came and found them. Well of course with his mom not 10:23 being able to speak to him and him wondering what was going on 10:27 and everything, he felt very abandoned. At school he didn't 10:30 know that his grandma was ever going to come back and get him 10:34 when she dropped him off on Mondays, so he would just go 10:39 into shock. And he would just Nana, Nana, Nana and he would 10:44 be brought into my office just shaking. And what was I going to 10:48 do with him, you know. You give him a hug and he's just stiff as 10:52 a board and just shaking, Nana, Nana. So you tune in to 10:58 whatever the situation is. He's saying Nana and I said OK Nana. 11:02 So you miss your Nana, is that what you miss, your Nana? 11:05 And I mean I'm thinking fast too. You know, where do I go 11:09 from here. But then I thought here come over to the computer 11:13 and I typed in Nana and said is this how you spell Nana. Typed 11:17 in Nana. I says you must really love your Nana. Tune in to where 11:21 he's at and focus on that. And believe it or not, he started 11:25 quieting down a little bit at a time, a little bit at a time. 11:28 And I said hey let's print this name out, Nana. Let's see how 11:31 many different ways we can print this name. Different fonts and 11:35 and so forth and finally he was making Nana out of clay. We 11:39 brought some clay out and he was making... And he quieted down 11:43 and over time he stayed with me for the day because he needed to 11:46 but little bit by little bit he was able to get away from that 11:50 and he didn't have that shock and trauma anymore that he had 11:54 before. You know a four-year-old may not 11:55 be able to express himself but Nancy my experience has been 11:59 that quite often when you're talking with people they leave 12:04 out information don't they? So tell me if you're talking to 12:07 somebody, say that there's been a death in the family, and you 12:11 know they're leaving out information, how do you get them 12:13 going? Well I think it's very helpful 12:17 to in reviewing the skills that we've already talked about, you 12:23 can ask appropriate questions, but more open-ended questions. 12:27 When they'll say something, well tell me a little more about that 12:32 Tell me what was it like when they did such and such. Or you 12:38 can also use the paraphrase and the perception checks to check 12:45 to check on the content of what they are saying. 12:50 Paraphrase is when someone is speaking to you and basically 12:55 you don't want to parrot back word for word but that's when 12:58 you're saying, you know, let me see if I understand what 13:01 you're saying and you're giving the main content or the point, 13:05 kind of putting it in your own words to make sure you're on the 13:09 same page. Now what is the perception check? 13:11 The perception check is then once you're sure that you have 13:13 the content of what they're saying correct, you have the 13:15 facts and all that. Then you ask about the feelings. 13:18 The perception check is their feeling level. Perceiving, you 13:21 know, that must have made you feel really funny or you were 13:24 scared. I'm wondering if that's correct. Did you feel tense or 13:28 did that make you feel angry when that happened? 13:31 I'm wondering if that's maybe what was happening. It allows 13:37 them to go to the next little level of sharing the emotional 13:42 component of what was going on. When you're asking those 13:47 tentative statements you're using those little stem 13:49 questions. Am I right, or could it be that you're feeling this 13:54 way. You're not confronting them or accusing them or putting words 13:59 in their mouth, but they then feel free to say well actually 14:03 yeah I was really scared, I was panicked. I was really panicked 14:07 about that time. 14:09 Or maybe no, you're not right, what I'm feeling is anger, whatever. 14:13 So what you're saying then is that questions are a good part 14:18 of communication, is that correct? 14:20 Yeah, if they're creative in the sense that they're facilitating 14:23 to lead to a deeper level. You certainly don't want to get into 14:26 the interrogation type of thing. Right. Yeah, yeah, if you're 14:30 just hammering them with question after question after 14:31 question. No. I mean that's for the police to do and their job 14:36 over there. But when somebody's hurting and grieving just little 14:41 leading questions that will lead to a deeper level, facilitate, 14:45 them to go to a deeper level. OK. Certainly in a grief 14:49 situation I would want to know how they're feeling right now. 14:55 Very often what were you doing when you got the news. Were you 14:59 there by their bedside or was it a situation where they were at 15:04 home and they got a phone call? It takes them right back to that 15:09 time and you're there for them to walk them through it. There 15:12 might not have been anybody there when they got that call 15:17 and they've been in shock ever since and that gives you an 15:20 opportunity to have them share what their feelings were back 15:25 then and go through that because we were never created to go 15:29 through these kinds of things so it's very, very hurtful on our 15:33 systems but again that's where our text comes in where the Lord 15:37 comes and gives the healing that we need. 15:38 Have you worked with anyone who's been abused, say sexually 15:44 abused. A lot of times it seems that not only are they leaving 15:49 out information but there's a shame or a cover-up. How do you 15:53 reach someone like that? 15:55 Again, it's not the actions that actually took place because they 16:00 don't need to tell the counselor details of what took place but 16:06 how did they feel about it, like you say. 16:08 Now you said counselor. What if I'm just a friend. What if I 16:11 have a friend. Just a friend? Yeah. Yeah, if 16:14 it's female to female, like that kind of a situation and they 16:18 want to include some details of course. 16:20 But even say we don't want to take them back to that spot. 16:24 Let's just say that I have a friend who's really suffering 16:27 and maybe it's been something like that abuse. How can I reach 16:30 that person to get them to a deeper level? What kind of 16:34 questions should I ask? 16:35 Again, circumstances surrounding the situation, you know. Take 16:40 them back in their mind. OK you said this took place when you 16:46 were like nine years old and you were living where and this... 16:50 You felt violated. Not you must have. I guess that would be the 16:54 wrong way to do that. 16:56 Well it's a tentative thing. It's OK in the sense that you 16:58 don't want to say you know how they felt. You now a lot of 17:01 people will say I understand how you feel. 17:04 Even in grief and it's not the same. 17:07 Yeah, that's not really helpful to the person. As a matter of 17:10 fact they can feel kind of like no you don't know how I feel. 17:14 They'll come back with that. So we're trying to understand how 17:18 they feel. You know Shelley I think that is 17:20 an excellent when you bring that up. If that happens to someone 17:24 you know I think to facilitate them, encouraging them and 17:31 supporting them, have they ever actually talked to a counselor 17:35 about that. There are people who are truly prepared to deal with 17:38 the tremendous emotional trauma that people have gone through 17:41 when they've been through abuse. Just your average counselor I 17:46 don't feel adequate to talk to someone who has... You know I'm 17:50 not a trained counselor in my background so that I wouldn't 17:55 feel comfortable in talking to the depth or to the degree that 17:59 they may need. They may need professional counseling to help 18:03 them... You know that's excellent. I'm 18:06 so glad you said that because we've been talking about 18:09 increasing our communication skills. We've talked about 18:13 things like learning to be an active listener where you are 18:18 taking someone and once they've stated their case and made their 18:24 comments you're saying now let me see if I understand you 18:26 correctly or I think I heard you say such and such and you are 18:30 basically paraphrasing the main points to make sure that you are 18:34 really connecting with one another. You want to pay 18:38 attention to the, what'd you call that, a perspective check? 18:42 Perception check. Perception check and you're 18:45 looking at body language and things. You want to ask 18:48 questions but you don't want to seem prying. You also have 18:52 to be careful. You know some people are naturally abrupt. 18:56 They just kind of have a way of answering. You may be one of 19:01 those. So if you start delving into a situation though where 19:06 you're getting into some serious emotional issues we aren't 19:10 always the one. We might uncover and open up Pandora's box and 19:13 not know what to do with it. Right, exactly. So at that point 19:17 it's time to go see your pastor or see a counselor, somebody 19:21 trained in counseling. For sure. 19:22 The other thing too is if you're dealing... a lot of times when 19:25 you're dealing with individuals who have tremendous anger issues 19:29 and are explosive, they may also have mental health issues. 19:34 Your communication skills may not be as effective with them 19:42 because their reality isn't based on your reality and they 19:50 have additional deeper, more significant needs. 19:53 The communications skills can help you cope with those 19:56 situations but you may not be as therapeutic as you would be 20:00 in normal conversations or in caring for people that have more 20:06 of a normal range of experiences in grief or in joy or whatever. 20:11 So you know you don't ever ant to get in over your head... 20:17 Don't ever hesitate to encourage them to seek professional 20:22 counseling, you know, when you see that their needs are... 20:26 When we talking about setting the captives free we're not 20:30 trying to make people professionals here but we're 20:32 talking about just learning how to communicate with one another 20:36 on a deeper level because everybody has a story. 20:39 Exactly, exactly they do. 20:41 And everybody wants to tell their story but so few of us 20:47 listen. Exactly. If you are meeting say someone at church 20:52 someone new coming to church, how's the best way to connect 20:57 with somebody that you're just meeting? 21:00 For the first time, you just met them? 21:02 To make them feel welcome. 21:04 Well I mean I always like to make sure I get their name, 21:06 understand their name and see if there are any connections and 21:10 if they're from the area and how long they've been living there. 21:14 Kind of more of the superficial things, getting to know each 21:17 other at the top. I mean you don't swing down to some deep 21:21 level straight away. No. And make people think whoa, OK. 21:25 Right exactly. So you do that chit chat, I mean that's normal. 21:29 You know if the Lord opens an opportunity and the person 21:33 really does want to... They came to church specifically to talk 21:36 to somebody about something. Well then, that's a different 21:39 situation. But yes, normally it's the chit chat things and 21:43 the as the friendship develops and deepens you have 21:45 opportunities to 21:46 listen and facilitate them to go to a deeper level, if they so 21:50 choose. Again, it's completely up to them. I mean, we don't 21:53 have an agenda, well we're going to get these people to go to a 21:57 deeper level. No, no. If these people though would like to talk 22:02 more about something and we just keep giving permission and they 22:06 do keep going to a deeper level that's just totally up to them 22:10 and that's rewarding for them because they need it. 22:14 You know, my husband has exceptional people skills and 22:18 he always takes time, and I tell him it really takes a lot of 22:25 time to be nice. I would say I have decent to good people 22:31 skills and I am very involved in people's lives and I like to 22:36 listen, but I'm a mission person I'm mission driven and it's 22:41 like you know I've got the agenda for the day and it's 22:45 this jam packed so I don't always take the time to listen 22:49 whereas he will no matter how busy he is. So it's something 22:55 that learning to communicate well and set those captives free 23:00 there's a little discernment that you have to develop when 23:04 you see people you work with. If you notice something that's 23:08 just really different about somebody, that's when you have 23:12 to press the pause button and go to them and see what's going on. 23:18 Many of our viewers have probably seen this where 23:27 something's going on at work and you know someone's different 23:32 how would you open up or get that person to open up to you? 23:36 If you're on a break or something like that because 23:39 sometimes if you ask some questions that would give them 23:42 permission to open up, they may not have the time right there 23:47 to share anything. But I find if they're looking... you pick up 23:51 on the body language as we talked about. You know, let's 23:54 say they're looking kind of stressed or kind of tense or 23:57 something like that. Instead of saying oh you're looking tense 24:02 just say I noticed you seemed to be walking quickly today and 24:06 I was wondering, is there anything that is going on that 24:11 you want to talk about. I mean if I know this person already 24:15 anyway. If they say Naa. Or they might say well yeah, I'm going 24:19 through a tough time with my spouse but I just can't get into 24:23 it right now. Well, you know, if you would like to some time, let 24:27 me know because you know I'll be there for you if you'd like 24:30 to talk about it. I mean in that sense we're not putting it off 24:34 because we're at work. But you know if it somebody that sure 24:37 you meet them on a weekend or something like that and you 24:40 recognized at work that there was some kind of a situation 24:42 like that, you can even make an appointment to sit down and talk 24:45 about it. You know, we've been talking 24:47 about some wonderful communication skills. I'm going 24:50 throw you a loop here because you just tagged something when 24:54 you said, if you at work. What do you do with a person that 24:58 at work who always has an issue always wearing their feelings on 25:04 their sleeves. You see them coming and you know you can't 25:09 take... You can't afford to take this time, how do you make them 25:13 feel loved and accepted and at the same time think will I don't 25:17 have time to listen to a 20- minute diatribe. How can you 25:20 make that person feel loved and accepted? 25:23 You know thanks for sharing. I appreciate that and I've got to 25:28 head out right now but again if you pay them a complement, thank 25:33 them for sharing. They've shared a little bit, they may get the 25:38 sense that hey this person does care about me because most 25:41 people are just saying oh man that's too bad, sorry about that 25:46 whoof, bye. If we can at least give them a little crumb that we 25:49 care about them. We've busy, we can't take the time right then 25:54 to just stop and go into a big type of a thing. And also as 25:57 we've mentioned earlier if it's a situation where we feel they 26:01 could benefit from a counselor we might say we know of an 26:05 individual you know. They might take it as a criticism if we say 26:09 you know you need to go to a counselor. We know of an 26:12 individual who would really be helpful in listening to what 26:17 you're going through. I mean we're kind of busy here at work. 26:22 You know we can't always take the time but unless you want to 26:26 talk on the weekend. 26:27 That's good, that's good. So communicating all three of us 26:32 will agree, as we've discussed, that listening is the greatest 26:37 communication skill. But there is such a thing as active 26:40 listening and that's where questions are a good part of 26:44 active listening to get someone down to that deeper level and 26:48 perhaps release them from feeling trapped or feeling 26:54 just numb. And we use questions like I think, if I'm 27:00 understanding correctly, is this what you're saying? Did I 27:03 understand you to say this, kind of paraphrasing what they've 27:06 said, watching for the body language. We're going to have 27:09 to do a program on body language I think. Yes. 27:13 Anyway, I appreciate so much your ministry, I appreciate 27:17 y'all being here. Can't believe the time's already gone but it 27:20 is. So thank you so much for coming. 27:24 Thank you. For those of you at home, I hope 27:27 that this is stirring something in you even to say we all 27:31 need to learn how to communicate better. Sometimes we just get so 27:36 busy in our own little world we don't think about that a lot of 27:40 problems probably are our own fault because we're not taking 27:44 the time in a relationship to listen to someone else. So we 27:48 need to learn to be not selfish, not exercising in our own agenda 27:53 and listening, especially to the voice of the Lord. 27:57 Thank you. |
Revised 2015-09-03