Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
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and welcome again
to Issues and Answers.
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Today we are going to be
discussing communication skills,
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talking about how to get
to a deeper level with people.
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I believe that
there's something fundamental
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about each one of
us, a fundamental need
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we want to be understood
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and although no two human beings
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totally understand each other.
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I mean, really I
believe the only one
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who understands us is the Lord.
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But yet we as
humans and as particularly
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as Christians want
to learn how to allow,
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give someone permission
to share on a deeper level
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and most of us
block that in someway.
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You know, Jesus
said in Matthew 5:7
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in the Sermon on the Mount.
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He said,
"Blessed are the merciful
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for they shall receive mercy."
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In other Bible counsels it says,
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"that we are to
weep with those who weep
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and rejoice with those rejoice."
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The only way we can
do that is if we really
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give people permission
to share on a deeper level.
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Now sometimes that
sounds a little frightening,
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some of us are kind of off,
it's off putting if you will.
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But today returning
to share with us today
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our two counselors who know
a little bit about this topic
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and let me
introduce our special guest
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we have Duane and
Nancy Andersen coming to us,
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returning again
from Mesa, Arizona.
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Thank you, all so
much for being here.
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Thank you. Thank you, too.
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Now your ministry is CARE
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that's an acronym
C-A-R-E, C.A.R.E. Consultants.
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Please tell us
about that ministry.
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Care and Renewal Education,
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I mean we have a lot of
seminars where it includes
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educating a person how to--
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for an example in
this case, communicate.
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All right and you have--
you come with the background of
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you've been a
pastor and educator,
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you have been-- you've got your
master's degree in counseling.
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So you've been doing
counseling and Nancy,
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as we discussed last
time, your background is nursing
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and also counseling.
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So what we want to talk
about today and let's just--
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let me frame this up by saying,
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why are communication
skills so important?
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There are the only to really
build a deep relationship.
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And if there's anything we
really want in life it's a,
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it's a real deep relationship
with another person.
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I mean, we can have a, a
deep relationship with God
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but it's not really
as deep with God even
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until we have another deep
relationship with the person.
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There just seems
to be that dynamic
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and just like there is
a first four commandment
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in relation to God and the,
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the last one
relation to, to humans.
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Us humans. Yeah.
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So that's kind of the
missing link you might say.
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Okay, so people are
wanting to be loved,
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accepted, to feel
precious to someone.
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And we're talking today about
communicating on a deeper level.
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What do we mean
by a deeper level?
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Well, we have a
tendency talk from the head
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rather than the heart.
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And so often people
want to talk from the heart
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but other people don't know
how to listen to the heart talk.
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And particularly
what puts people laugh,
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if somebody starts talking
from heart and starts crying,
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"oh, I'm sorry I
didn't mean to make you cry."
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Or the other person
will apologize for crying
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and say, "oh, I
shouldn't be crying, you know."
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And so we're not used to
going down to these deep levels
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because so often it
kicks us into our own pain
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that we many times
have not really work through
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and it brings the stuff up
and we become uncomfortable.
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So then we do the
blocking statements.
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You know, change the subject,
try to get out of this thing
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because we start feeling a
little uncomfortable with it
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going to that deep level,
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yet that's really
what our hearts crave.
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Okay, so give me an example
of moving someone from just that
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verbal superficiality if
you will to a deeper level.
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Right, you know when I
first took some training
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in the listening skills I found
it interesting in the ministry.
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At first I thought there were
just survival skills you know,
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they would just gonna teach us
how to survive rough situations
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but then once I
found out that you know,
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well as you start using
them the people just love to,
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to be heard.
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I would say something
like "okay, let me see,
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if I understand you correctly."
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So you're saying this and
this and this, "is that right?"
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And they'll say, "That's
right, that's what I'm saying."
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Or if it wasn't right, give
me an opportunity to correct me.
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And so then we
just go on from there.
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And then I would usually
get some kind of a feeling
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of that they might be feeling.
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And then I would check to
see of that was, was correct.
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I'd say you
something like I'm wondering
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if you're
feeling a little anxious.
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You know if
that's what I was feeling
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as they were talking to me
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I'm wondering if you're feeling
a little anxious about that,
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is that correct?
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And may be one time I
was visiting this young woman
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who haven't been to church
for years and years and years
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and mother was very
concerned about her.
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And when I went over
there and talked to her
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and was able to identify
exactly how she was feeling
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I was saying after we've
talked for quite a while,
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I'm wondering if you're
feeling a little trapped,
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is that correct?
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And she just burst into
tears and then was crying
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and she says "you know,
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I thought you
are coming over here
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to kick me out of the church."
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And so when I was so rewarded
to be able to, you know,
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meet her at the deeper level
where she was really hurting
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because she had her
husband pulling one way
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and she wanted
to go the other way
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and then her
mother was another way.
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And she just felt
trapped and just to know that
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somebody else understood that,
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like you're
saying to be understood
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it meant so much to her and she
started coming back to church.
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Praise the Lord. Yeah.
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So, Duane, you employed
those skills of active listening
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paraphrasing back to her
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until you actually got
her to go to a deeper level,
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is that correct? Exactly, yes.
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And you know in
that sense I think,
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we came to the place
where, where you might say the,
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the bottom feeling
that she was having.
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Yes.
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And when we could unlock that
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she thought such
a sense of relief.
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And of course so often we
end up feeling same thing.
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I mean, if that
person is feeling tensed
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like I'd say we tend to, to say,
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well I'm wondering if
you're feeling tensed.
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But then when we
take a guess I'm wondering
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if you're feeling
trapped because that's was what
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I was beginning to sense
that she must be feeling trapped
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between her
mother, between her husband
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and here she was in the middle
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and she didn't
know which way to go.
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Should I go to church
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or the stay home
because my of husband.
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And when we hit that
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I'm wondering if
you're feeling trapped
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and she just I mean that hit her
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because she just
burst into tears.
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Yes, and it wasn't something
that I had to be afraid for.
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It was, it was a blessing that
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she was able to relieve that
tension and once that was gone
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and she felt free
to come back to church.
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You know, so many times
that people will say something.
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I mean when the Bible
says, weep with those who weep
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and rejoice with
those who rejoice.
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Sometimes people can't even put
a finger on their own emotions.
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They'd just, they're all
bottled up they may feel numbed,
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they may feel overwhelmed. Yeah.
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But in being able to employee
good communication skills
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when you start
asking stem questions like,
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"I'm wondering if this
is what you're feeling or
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is this what you're saying."
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And you start going that
direction that makes sense.
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Now there are times that
people will say something
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and their body language
is saying something else.
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I mean you hear the
words coming out verbally,
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you've probably gone
through this experience yourself
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where someone
says something to you
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and you look at
them in their tone
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or their body language
is completely different.
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Right.
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What do you do when that
happens and you just sense that
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what someone is saying,
you know, "are you all right?"
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"I'm fine." You know, you sense.
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How do you communicate listening
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using that great listening
skill with body language, Nancy?
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Well, you can ask,
you can just share your
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observation with them.
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I noticed that when
you were telling me about
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this time when your,
your grandmother was dying
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and you had to go this
funeral and you were laughing.
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You know, I
don't understand that.
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What, what was you
know, what was going on there
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because the--
it's confusing for you.
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They're telling you about a time
when normally you'd have sorrow,
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you'd have tears
and they're laughing.
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And so it gives
a disconnect and so
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when you confront them with that
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and not in a harsh way
but you just verbalize.
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Well, I noticed you're
telling me about the funeral
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which would be as-- you know,
you'd be sorry about that but
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you're laughing about
that, what's behind the--
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what's behind your
feeling, what are you feeling?
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And then sometimes
people will use humor to mask
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you know sorrow and sadness.
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And they condemn
began to have the confidence
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that you're willing to listen
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and maybe they'll be
brave enough to share.
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Well, you know they were really
close to their grandmother
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or they had
special feelings and so
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but they've
never been able to cry
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or they've had to be
strong in their family
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or whatever and so they've never
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had anyone
actually acknowledged.
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They have emotions
and that they're valid
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and they need to be
able to share those freely.
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And so when you
give them that permission
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they can choose to,
to share or not to share.
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Okay.
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Now what if
someone is talking to you
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and one of those
you know like well
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I'm fine but their body
language you-- the tone,
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you know they're
anything but fine.
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How do you get, if you,
if you see anger in someone
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do you want to come right
out and say "are you angry?"
00:10:48.69\00:10:51.99
Well, it depends on how
well you know the person.
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If you know them real
well you might say that
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but if you don't you just
say something like, you know,
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you seemed rather
tensed when you said that.
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I was wondering if
there was anything behind that
00:11:02.57\00:11:05.03
that you like to share.
00:11:05.06\00:11:06.61
Just give them again
an opportunity to share
00:11:06.64\00:11:08.72
if they would want to.
00:11:08.75\00:11:10.19
And sometimes like Jesus
who talked to Peter three times,
00:11:10.22\00:11:15.24
"Peter, do you love Me?"
00:11:15.27\00:11:16.96
You know, it took three times
to really to get this to soak in
00:11:16.99\00:11:19.91
and there is little key there.
00:11:19.94\00:11:21.63
Sometimes, sometimes we
give up too easy, you know,
00:11:21.66\00:11:24.25
or we're worried that we're
gonna get on the hot seat here.
00:11:24.28\00:11:27.61
It's gonna affect us negatively
and so we want to jump out.
00:11:27.64\00:11:32.16
But you know if, if sometimes
we might have to comeback
00:11:32.19\00:11:35.31
and just gently comeback
two or three times, you know,
00:11:35.34\00:11:38.83
I mean, sure you
don't want push to the point
00:11:38.86\00:11:42.11
if the person is
just, its escalating
00:11:42.14\00:11:44.63
it's getting worse and you
don't see anyway out of it.
00:11:44.66\00:11:47.00
You know, you can just
leave it with something like,
00:11:47.03\00:11:49.65
"okay, well if you do I
want to talk about it sometime
00:11:49.68\00:11:51.69
I'm open for it."
00:11:51.72\00:11:53.25
But very often the person does.
00:11:53.28\00:11:55.48
You know, Herod
studied that out in the Greek
00:11:55.51\00:11:57.44
where Jesus was talking to
Peter it's really interesting,
00:11:57.47\00:12:00.33
because what Jesus
is actually ask Him is,
00:12:00.36\00:12:02.63
"do you agape Me?
00:12:02.66\00:12:03.71
Do you love Me unconditionally?
00:12:03.74\00:12:06.11
And Peter said,
"I phileo." Right.
00:12:06.14\00:12:08.12
"I love you like a brother."
00:12:08.15\00:12:09.75
And then He said "do you agape,
00:12:09.78\00:12:11.02
do you love Me
unconditionally?" "No, phileo."
00:12:11.05\00:12:13.02
And finally he
says "do you phileo?"
00:12:13.05\00:12:16.15
The three times, exactly.
You know, so it was interesting,
00:12:16.18\00:12:18.40
how Jesus changed
in His communication
00:12:18.43\00:12:21.43
and brought it
down to Peter's level--
00:12:21.46\00:12:23.35
Precisely. Correctly
because it's comfortable.
00:12:23.38\00:12:25.61
He was the
ultimate communicator.
00:12:25.64\00:12:28.26
So it's not we've
talked about how to approach
00:12:28.29\00:12:32.32
someone that has anger
00:12:32.35\00:12:33.50
and we want to be
careful in using these skills
00:12:33.53\00:12:35.61
because you don't want
get punched in the nose.
00:12:35.64\00:12:37.70
You want to make sure
it's not your body language.
00:12:37.73\00:12:40.08
Yeah. That's off
putting to someone.
00:12:40.11\00:12:42.20
But what, what
happens when you have someone
00:12:42.23\00:12:46.44
who's yelling at
you, shouting at you
00:12:46.47\00:12:50.47
and you just
assume yell back at them?
00:12:50.50\00:12:55.06
How do you defuse this one?
00:12:55.09\00:12:57.37
Right, you have
those kind of situations
00:12:57.40\00:12:59.14
where you're feelings are
building in a negative way,
00:12:59.17\00:13:01.90
you know and you don't
want to make a situation worse.
00:13:01.93\00:13:05.80
So you can't do what's called,
00:13:05.83\00:13:07.54
directly express how you're
feeling but doing in a way
00:13:07.57\00:13:10.94
that's going to
make the situation
00:13:10.97\00:13:14.17
to facilitate to
continue to go on.
00:13:14.20\00:13:16.51
So you might say well, I'm--
I'm feeling kind of uptight
00:13:16.54\00:13:19.70
myself right now
but I do want to hear
00:13:19.73\00:13:21.79
what you have to
say please go on.
00:13:21.82\00:13:24.44
And that facilitates them to
go on and again, if they're--
00:13:24.47\00:13:29.28
Well, may ask you would you say,
00:13:29.31\00:13:31.13
"you're making me feel uptight
or would you just say I'm."
00:13:31.16\00:13:34.19
So you're owning it instead
of putting the blame on them,
00:13:34.22\00:13:37.28
Yeah, because as soon as you
start some kind of communication
00:13:37.31\00:13:39.74
like that putting the blame
on them or something like that
00:13:39.77\00:13:41.90
you get into
this defensive thing
00:13:41.93\00:13:44.85
and justifying
and whatever you know.
00:13:44.88\00:13:47.60
And so it's, it's
kind of little skill
00:13:47.63\00:13:49.42
that I've learned
just to, you know when,
00:13:49.45\00:13:52.08
when you're caring for a
person and loving a person,
00:13:52.11\00:13:54.80
remain neutral
yourself because your job
00:13:54.83\00:13:57.83
is to minister to that
person, to help that person and,
00:13:57.86\00:14:02.61
and don't get
involved in it yourself.
00:14:02.64\00:14:04.74
I mean they might
even come out and say
00:14:04.77\00:14:07.00
"well, you wouldn't
like that, would you?"
00:14:07.03\00:14:09.06
They well, you know it's,
it's not important right now
00:14:09.09\00:14:12.08
what I feel about this,
00:14:12.11\00:14:13.36
I want to hear how
you feel about this.
00:14:13.39\00:14:15.54
Because that can be a little way
to switch the thing over to you
00:14:15.57\00:14:20.11
and you, you can get
caught in things like that.
00:14:20.14\00:14:22.61
Let's make this really practical
00:14:22.64\00:14:24.21
because I know
that in our audience
00:14:24.24\00:14:27.89
there is real world problems,
00:14:27.92\00:14:29.58
let's bring this into a
husband and wife situation.
00:14:29.61\00:14:34.20
Where there is a lot
of shouting going on,
00:14:34.23\00:14:37.21
and there's not a lot
of agreement going on.
00:14:37.24\00:14:39.44
If you are the spouse
00:14:39.47\00:14:41.52
who is watching this
program today saying,
00:14:41.55\00:14:43.63
"I want to change the way
I communicate with my spouse.
00:14:43.66\00:14:47.66
And you know, I'm sick
and tired to being yelled at
00:14:47.69\00:14:51.10
and my way of reacting is just
to yell back and nothing gets,
00:14:51.13\00:14:57.52
you know it just
keeps escalating."
00:14:57.55\00:14:59.86
How-- how can
you tell a wife say,
00:14:59.89\00:15:04.11
that maybe has a husband
00:15:04.14\00:15:05.17
that likes to shout the scream
00:15:05.20\00:15:07.22
to approach this man,
in a situation like that.
00:15:07.25\00:15:10.84
How can she contain
her own negative feelings?
00:15:10.87\00:15:14.86
Is this something you
have to practice in advance
00:15:14.89\00:15:16.99
because if somebody is yelling
at you and shouting at you
00:15:17.02\00:15:20.37
and there is been
history there for many years
00:15:20.40\00:15:23.13
what would you
counsel with the women there?
00:15:23.16\00:15:25.01
Well, I have found out that
believe or not in individuals
00:15:25.04\00:15:29.86
who have a history of
going on and on like this
00:15:29.89\00:15:32.19
and so often the way
people have reacted to them
00:15:32.22\00:15:35.04
to trying you
know, shut them down.
00:15:35.07\00:15:37.72
That when I gave them an
opportunity to keep going,
00:15:37.75\00:15:40.47
keep going, keep
going within ten minutes
00:15:40.50\00:15:43.84
it's off the problem because--
00:15:43.87\00:15:46.20
Oh, wait a minute, now
okay, stop right there.
00:15:46.23\00:15:48.54
So would you say shutdown. Yeah.
00:15:48.57\00:15:50.38
You're saying that the person
who's doing all of the shouting.
00:15:50.41\00:15:53.27
Yeah.
00:15:53.30\00:15:54.33
That if you get them
instead of shouting back
00:15:54.36\00:15:56.36
and trying to shut them up,
00:15:56.39\00:15:58.11
if you get them
in the opportunity
00:15:58.14\00:16:00.29
to totally express themselves
00:16:00.32\00:16:02.82
let that deeper
level come out it totally--
00:16:02.85\00:16:06.52
the anger is just kind of,
00:16:06.55\00:16:07.90
it's like
steaminess had been blown off.
00:16:07.93\00:16:10.25
Precisely, precisely
00:16:10.28\00:16:12.31
and when I first
started on this I thought,
00:16:12.34\00:16:14.25
oh we're gonna be
sitting here for a week or so.
00:16:14.28\00:16:15.86
This person just
going on and on and on
00:16:15.89\00:16:19.39
when it's gonna end. Okay.
00:16:19.42\00:16:21.27
And I was surprised that
you know after like ten minutes
00:16:21.30\00:16:24.43
I just stopped because
everybody else had been,
00:16:24.46\00:16:28.51
you know, kind of
coming back at them
00:16:28.54\00:16:30.83
or just changing the subject
00:16:30.86\00:16:32.46
or trying to get out of
there as quick as they can.
00:16:32.49\00:16:34.20
Okay.
00:16:34.23\00:16:35.26
Or in the case of a spouse
they might burst into tears
00:16:35.29\00:16:38.02
or they might
run out of the room.
00:16:38.05\00:16:39.93
You know,
instead of really giving
00:16:39.96\00:16:41.47
the person a chance to unload.
00:16:41.50\00:16:43.61
So I was talking with someone
on the phone the other day
00:16:43.64\00:16:46.49
who said that, their spouse
00:16:46.52\00:16:48.37
and they evidently had
quite the history of this
00:16:48.40\00:16:50.99
but he was shouting
and screaming so much
00:16:51.02\00:16:52.89
that she finally
took her glasses off
00:16:52.92\00:16:54.84
and got on his face and said,
00:16:54.87\00:16:56.02
if you want to hit
me go on and hit me,
00:16:56.05\00:16:57.57
and I'm thinking, whoo.
00:16:57.60\00:16:59.50
Yeah, yeah. You're
really opening that.
00:16:59.53\00:17:01.31
That, that tends to be a
challenging saying like that.
00:17:01.34\00:17:03.37
So but don't
you, would you agree
00:17:03.40\00:17:05.26
that in especially, what if
the husbands really abuse you.
00:17:05.29\00:17:08.68
I mean--
00:17:08.71\00:17:09.74
You know, let me put
that as a school nurse
00:17:09.77\00:17:12.41
we see the results of, a
lot of times with children
00:17:12.44\00:17:15.46
that are in families
with, with the lot of abuse
00:17:15.49\00:17:17.86
and they act out
what they see at home.
00:17:17.89\00:17:20.30
Okay.
00:17:20.33\00:17:21.36
And when you are in
the presence of someone
00:17:21.39\00:17:23.53
who's ragging or
seriously in anger,
00:17:23.56\00:17:27.23
if you try and use these skills
00:17:27.26\00:17:28.73
it maybe very
dangerous and backfire on you.
00:17:28.76\00:17:30.89
Okay.
00:17:30.92\00:17:32.26
Sometimes you
can use the fogging,
00:17:32.29\00:17:34.75
that fogging strategy
that we talked about where you,
00:17:34.78\00:17:37.78
you're not escalating--
00:17:37.81\00:17:38.84
Yeah we've talked
about that in last program,
00:17:38.87\00:17:39.90
so let's explain that.
00:17:39.93\00:17:40.96
Oh, okay, the fogging is,
00:17:40.99\00:17:42.92
where you just say
yes, sometimes I you know,
00:17:42.95\00:17:45.36
I am late with getting
the meals on a table or yes,
00:17:45.39\00:17:48.37
sometimes I'm not
caring as I should be
00:17:48.40\00:17:50.58
or yeah, I do things you know,
00:17:50.61\00:17:53.70
I don't keep the house as
cleans as, as I'd like to.
00:17:53.73\00:17:57.05
You agree with
some of these statements
00:17:57.08\00:17:59.11
that they're accusing you off
because it helps to deescalate.
00:17:59.14\00:18:02.42
The energy,
right then and we are,
00:18:02.45\00:18:05.74
it's, its most of the
time it's really true.
00:18:05.77\00:18:08.23
Now you know, if
they are accusing you
00:18:08.26\00:18:10.33
of some really bad thing
that is definitely not true
00:18:10.36\00:18:14.24
then you know, you can--
00:18:14.27\00:18:15.93
you don't take
responsibility for something
00:18:15.96\00:18:18.05
that is
absolutely a blatant lie.
00:18:18.08\00:18:20.37
But for those things that,
00:18:20.40\00:18:22.21
that you can
assume some responsibility
00:18:22.24\00:18:24.76
you can agree to that
00:18:24.79\00:18:26.08
because it does
help to escalate.
00:18:26.11\00:18:28.13
But when you're in, in
the presence of someone
00:18:28.16\00:18:30.45
who is ragging or
under the influence
00:18:30.48\00:18:32.90
of alcohol or drugs.
00:18:32.93\00:18:36.67
Probably using fogging
skills are very helpful
00:18:36.70\00:18:38.74
because you
can't reason with them.
00:18:38.77\00:18:40.86
And using the
skills like let me say
00:18:40.89\00:18:42.92
if I understand you correctly
it can actually escalate
00:18:42.95\00:18:46.08
their, their intense anger.
00:18:46.11\00:18:48.44
They are not
interested in communicating.
00:18:48.47\00:18:50.19
It's a power issue.
00:18:50.22\00:18:51.25
And again it's more about them.
00:18:51.28\00:18:53.27
It's the issue,
is about their anger
00:18:53.30\00:18:55.17
and they're using this
is as a control over you
00:18:55.20\00:18:58.71
to dominate you or
something like that.
00:18:58.74\00:19:00.56
And so the communication
skills in that respect
00:19:00.59\00:19:03.86
probably fogging
and trying to deescalate
00:19:03.89\00:19:06.50
or your safer outlets then
to try to understand correctly.
00:19:06.53\00:19:10.28
So for child, if a
spouse in that situation
00:19:10.31\00:19:14.18
you just try to
defuse the situation
00:19:14.21\00:19:17.06
and agreeing with
something that's reasonable
00:19:17.09\00:19:19.64
if, if it is true,
what about a child, Nancy?
00:19:19.67\00:19:23.34
I mean, you know, for a child
how does a mother teach a child
00:19:23.37\00:19:28.26
who as a parent.
00:19:28.29\00:19:30.69
You know, we see and
I'm sure you've seen this.
00:19:30.72\00:19:33.92
You see children who
come from these types of homes
00:19:33.95\00:19:36.64
and they either act out
00:19:36.67\00:19:38.44
or their mechanism is
that a defense mechanism
00:19:38.47\00:19:43.00
is that they completely
retreat they wall off.
00:19:43.03\00:19:47.07
You know, I had my tendency
00:19:47.10\00:19:49.06
going up in a very dysfunctional
home was to retreat.
00:19:49.09\00:19:53.33
You know, I was the
peace maker in my home but,
00:19:53.36\00:19:56.48
but if things got really
bad what I did was closed off
00:19:56.51\00:19:59.84
all my emotions and retreat
and not talk about it to anyone.
00:19:59.87\00:20:03.76
So how do you, how do
you instruct a younger person
00:20:03.79\00:20:07.92
who is going through this
kind of a situation at home
00:20:07.95\00:20:11.43
where there are no community,
00:20:11.46\00:20:12.65
you know they've parents
that are shouting back and forth
00:20:12.68\00:20:15.72
what's good advice for child?
00:20:15.75\00:20:18.61
You know, when I was working
with children in the school
00:20:18.64\00:20:21.82
and I worked with
them for kindergarten
00:20:21.85\00:20:23.37
right on up through college
00:20:23.40\00:20:26.41
a lot of times
I would help them.
00:20:26.44\00:20:28.05
First of all and, and
even it would be an example
00:20:28.08\00:20:31.38
of as I was helping them how,
00:20:31.41\00:20:34.91
you know, they
would even need to,
00:20:34.94\00:20:36.66
to deal with their parents.
00:20:36.69\00:20:37.88
I mean, you know,
00:20:37.91\00:20:38.94
you don't think of a
child parenting a parent
00:20:38.97\00:20:42.25
but sometimes the
children can actually
00:20:42.28\00:20:46.19
learn some of these skills
00:20:46.22\00:20:47.44
that can help to
defuse the situation.
00:20:47.47\00:20:50.19
And a lot of times they're
usually filled up tension
00:20:50.22\00:20:53.16
so forth just helping
them get rid of some of that,
00:20:53.19\00:20:55.71
would make it easier for
them to put up or some of the,
00:20:55.74\00:20:59.15
the yelling that they had to
00:20:59.18\00:21:00.65
or go through
when they were at home.
00:21:00.68\00:21:02.38
I think too that, if a
parent after the incident the,
00:21:02.41\00:21:06.41
you know the
anger incident whatever
00:21:06.44\00:21:08.02
if the parent
would go to that child
00:21:08.05\00:21:09.71
and will talk
about what happened
00:21:09.74\00:21:11.18
if the child was
observing this or whatever.
00:21:11.21\00:21:13.62
Give the child the
opportunity to share
00:21:13.65\00:21:16.30
what they heard or
what they felt or you know
00:21:16.33\00:21:19.02
and recognize their
feelings if they were scared
00:21:19.05\00:21:22.69
or if they were crying or
whatever acknowledge that,
00:21:22.72\00:21:25.82
this was a scary time for them.
00:21:25.85\00:21:27.57
And reassure them and
that you're gonna you know,
00:21:27.60\00:21:32.10
protect them that
they can be you know,
00:21:32.13\00:21:34.15
feeling comfortable.
00:21:34.18\00:21:35.21
But allow them
you're, you're respecting them
00:21:35.24\00:21:37.59
and you want to show that
you're approachable that you--
00:21:37.62\00:21:42.70
you're
acknowledging that the world
00:21:42.73\00:21:44.21
is pretty shaken up
like this and that they have
00:21:44.24\00:21:46.64
that opportunity to
share that with you.
00:21:46.67\00:21:48.76
So if someone is watching
00:21:48.79\00:21:50.59
and we're talking
about going to a deeper level
00:21:50.62\00:21:53.99
what would you
say is the purpose
00:21:54.02\00:21:56.86
of going to the deeper level?
00:21:56.89\00:21:59.86
There is probably a
couple of purposes here
00:21:59.89\00:22:02.36
that are really important.
00:22:02.39\00:22:04.00
I mean, one just to
develop the deeper bond
00:22:04.03\00:22:06.06
or the deeper relationship
00:22:06.09\00:22:07.97
and another one is
there is the things
00:22:08.00\00:22:10.45
that are buried
down deep inside that
00:22:10.48\00:22:12.95
we've never had a
chance to talk to anybody
00:22:12.98\00:22:15.11
with who would listen
to us in a caring way.
00:22:15.14\00:22:18.36
I had a situation that came up
00:22:18.39\00:22:22.17
when I was around 50-years-old
00:22:22.20\00:22:24.84
and it had happened
when I was little kid
00:22:24.87\00:22:27.12
and I didn't even know about it.
00:22:27.15\00:22:29.36
But my mother knew about it
00:22:29.39\00:22:30.50
cause I went
back and I asked her
00:22:30.53\00:22:31.72
but I had come into
and office of an individual
00:22:31.75\00:22:35.35
who tented to be a
little over bearing
00:22:35.38\00:22:37.34
and all of a sudden I just
saw in my mind just like a flash
00:22:37.37\00:22:41.42
and it seems like
the Lord doesn't revealed
00:22:41.45\00:22:42.80
some of these things to you
until you're ready for them.
00:22:42.83\00:22:44.56
So I guess I
wasn't ready for this one
00:22:44.59\00:22:45.97
until I was like 50-years-old.
00:22:46.00\00:22:48.21
And I saw this flash in my mind
00:22:48.24\00:22:50.02
where I was standing
just stiffly rigged like that
00:22:50.05\00:22:53.26
and they were two individuals
holding something big
00:22:53.29\00:22:56.83
over my head well another
smaller individual in the middle
00:22:56.86\00:23:00.88
was hitting over
the head with something
00:23:00.91\00:23:02.69
and I didn't know what that was.
00:23:02.72\00:23:04.44
So I thought I bet my
mom knows what that is.
00:23:04.47\00:23:07.55
So when I went back home
and I asker what was that?
00:23:07.58\00:23:10.50
Well, I was
playing safely in my yard
00:23:10.53\00:23:13.85
under the
guardianship of my mother,
00:23:13.88\00:23:15.56
she was right, right
there in the, in the house.
00:23:15.59\00:23:18.46
And some boys came
over from next door
00:23:18.49\00:23:21.24
with their little
bother the older boys
00:23:21.27\00:23:23.29
held big too my
force over my head,
00:23:23.32\00:23:26.00
well they told the
little boy to hit me
00:23:26.03\00:23:27.52
over the head with
one f these coal shovels
00:23:27.55\00:23:29.73
which is about like that.
00:23:29.76\00:23:31.51
And that was
buried in my subconscious
00:23:31.54\00:23:36.47
and you know, you carry around
00:23:36.50\00:23:38.45
this weight and you don't
really realize how much of it,
00:23:38.48\00:23:41.80
it's sapping your
energy and, and eating it up.
00:23:41.83\00:23:43.99
So the release of
getting some of these things out
00:23:44.02\00:23:47.80
as the Lord
brings them to your mind,
00:23:47.83\00:23:49.61
He's not gonna
bring too much at a time
00:23:49.64\00:23:51.56
that'll be overwhelming
00:23:51.59\00:23:53.12
but if you have a situation
with somebody listen to you
00:23:53.15\00:23:55.60
in a caring way,
00:23:55.63\00:23:57.11
you'll see that these
things will start coming up
00:23:57.14\00:23:59.28
and you can have a
chance to talk these things
00:23:59.31\00:24:01.69
through, process them,
have God give you the healing
00:24:01.72\00:24:04.96
take away the anger
the bitterness the resume
00:24:04.99\00:24:07.29
and any other types of things
that would be in there the fears
00:24:07.32\00:24:10.54
then you're able
to coup much better
00:24:10.57\00:24:11.77
with everyday life experiences.
00:24:11.80\00:24:13.77
So you know they are,
sometimes in counseling
00:24:13.80\00:24:17.75
I'm sure that you
have run into this
00:24:17.78\00:24:19.45
where they are people
who have just never felt like
00:24:19.48\00:24:22.86
they've been heard
anytime during their life.
00:24:22.89\00:24:26.14
What kinds of
problems does that--
00:24:26.17\00:24:30.08
emotional problems
does that create in someone
00:24:30.11\00:24:32.58
when they feel like
no one really cares,
00:24:32.61\00:24:34.93
no one has
really listened to them?
00:24:34.96\00:24:37.45
Oh, they can come
across in that anger,
00:24:37.48\00:24:39.82
bitterness,
resentment, hostility,
00:24:39.85\00:24:42.07
I remember visiting at one home
00:24:42.10\00:24:43.79
when I was early in the ministry
00:24:43.82\00:24:45.32
before I had taken some training
in these listening skills.
00:24:45.35\00:24:50.79
And I, when I left that
house I was just beat down
00:24:50.82\00:24:54.06
because I was taking
it personally you know,
00:24:54.09\00:24:55.79
I didn't know how to
throw these types of things off
00:24:55.82\00:24:58.94
but the people had gone through
so much pain in their life
00:24:58.97\00:25:02.14
and so hurt and
that the bitterness
00:25:02.17\00:25:04.47
that when I came
there I represented
00:25:04.50\00:25:07.60
God in that sense
of visiting with them
00:25:07.63\00:25:10.12
and they just
poured out their heart
00:25:10.15\00:25:11.45
with all these
bitter horrible things
00:25:11.48\00:25:13.10
and accusations
of me and the church,
00:25:13.13\00:25:16.43
and the, the local headquarters
and the next headquarters up
00:25:16.46\00:25:20.06
and they just
went on and on and on.
00:25:20.09\00:25:22.52
And so it comes
across very negative at first
00:25:22.55\00:25:26.71
but see if, if a person knows
00:25:26.74\00:25:28.41
how to help them
unload these things.
00:25:28.44\00:25:31.58
If I only had the skills then
I could have helped these people
00:25:31.61\00:25:34.28
unload this bitterness,
they would just filled with it.
00:25:34.31\00:25:38.81
So in using our communication
skills was kind of go back
00:25:38.84\00:25:42.26
and recap that
what we want to do is,
00:25:42.29\00:25:47.43
first learn to
be active listeners
00:25:47.46\00:25:50.68
that we can paraphrase
back to someone and saying,
00:25:50.71\00:25:53.96
is this what
you're saying. Right.
00:25:53.99\00:25:55.92
The second is, and,
00:25:55.95\00:25:57.19
and we called the
stem questions, right?
00:25:57.22\00:25:59.58
You're clarifying content.
Clarifying content, okay.
00:25:59.61\00:26:01.66
You're clarifying
just the superficial
00:26:01.69\00:26:04.49
initial part of
the communication,
00:26:04.52\00:26:06.34
clarifying the content
of what they're saying,
00:26:06.37\00:26:07.70
you want to make sure
you're at the fact straight.
00:26:07.73\00:26:09.77
That you've
heard them correctly.
00:26:09.80\00:26:11.06
And that's when you
use the stem questions.
00:26:11.09\00:26:12.36
All right, now and
then to really get involved
00:26:12.39\00:26:15.41
in active listening now you're
trying to read body language,
00:26:15.44\00:26:19.14
to see if someone is closed off,
00:26:19.17\00:26:22.03
I mean this is where we're
getting to that deeper level.
00:26:22.06\00:26:24.67
And this is a part of active,
00:26:24.70\00:26:25.99
active listening is
getting to that deeper level.
00:26:26.02\00:26:29.01
And then give
somebody the opportunity
00:26:29.04\00:26:32.15
because most of us are at least
I'm like a man, I'm a fixer.
00:26:32.18\00:26:37.02
You know if somebody
is telling me something,
00:26:37.05\00:26:38.78
I want to help them and
I want to help fix this.
00:26:38.81\00:26:41.55
And so we want to
give people the opportunity
00:26:41.58\00:26:44.35
you keep asking questions
00:26:44.38\00:26:45.87
give them the
opportunity to be heard.
00:26:45.90\00:26:48.75
Right. Is that right?
00:26:48.78\00:26:49.81
Exactly, yeah.
00:26:49.84\00:26:50.89
Again each one of
these listening skills,
00:26:50.92\00:26:54.19
is a way to
facilitate them to keep going,
00:26:54.22\00:26:57.32
to keep going and they naturally
do tend to go a deeper level.
00:26:57.35\00:27:01.74
I mean more you practice this,
00:27:01.77\00:27:03.19
the better you're
going to be able to get
00:27:03.22\00:27:04.72
at which skill to use next,
00:27:04.75\00:27:06.55
but again we can't go
wrong with the skills.
00:27:06.58\00:27:09.04
I mean, it's true a little bit
of knowledge can be dangerous
00:27:09.07\00:27:11.52
but once we've learned
the skills and we practice
00:27:11.55\00:27:14.16
and practice and practice
00:27:14.19\00:27:15.97
then we're bound to do
better than we did before
00:27:16.00\00:27:19.31
because before we're doing
so much blocking statements
00:27:19.34\00:27:22.17
or just walking away or
just changing the subject
00:27:22.20\00:27:24.91
or something like that,
00:27:24.94\00:27:25.97
we're not facilitating
things to get better.
00:27:26.00\00:27:28.18
Blessed are the merciful
for they shall receive the mercy
00:27:28.21\00:27:31.36
and it is merciful to
sit and listen to someone.
00:27:31.39\00:27:34.09
Sometimes we feel like
00:27:34.12\00:27:35.44
we're suffering through
ourselves when we're listening
00:27:35.47\00:27:37.69
but if we really learn
to hear a person's heart
00:27:37.72\00:27:41.20
we'll get closer to them.
00:27:41.23\00:27:42.43
Thank you so much
for joining us today,
00:27:42.46\00:27:44.74
it has gone so
quickly and I believe
00:27:44.77\00:27:47.39
that we're touching on
something very important.
00:27:47.42\00:27:50.00
For those of you, you at home
00:27:50.03\00:27:51.44
and may the grace of
our Lord Jesus Christ,
00:27:51.47\00:27:53.39
love of the Father,
00:27:53.42\00:27:54.45
and the fellowship
of the Holy Spirit,
00:27:54.48\00:27:55.92
be with you always.
00:27:55.95\00:27:57.42