Hello I'm Shelly Quinn
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and welcome again
to Issues and Answers.
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We're so glad that
you've tuned in no matter
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where you are
watching from around the world.
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And we have a very special topic
today with some special guests.
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I think it's a
very important topic.
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We will be
discussing communication skills.
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You know, I
believe as Christians
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it is very
important for us to learn
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how to exercise
good communication skills
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and it is
something that's learned.
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Now the Bible
tells us in Romans 12:18.
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Listen to this scripture.
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"If possible, as far
as it depends on you,
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live at peace with everyone."
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The very fact that it
starts with if possible
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shows that sometimes
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it's a very difficult thing
to live at peace with people.
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But I personally believe that
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if we want to have good
relationships with people
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we need to learn
good communication skills
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and this is something
that is a learned science.
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Here to speak with us today
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are Duane and Nancy
Anderson from Mesa Arizona.
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Thank you all
so much for coming.
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Now you are the cofounders
of C.A.R.E Consultants
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that's an acronym for?
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Care and Renewal Education.
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Okay, C-A-R-E Consultants,
Care and Renewal Education.
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And before we-- you
had an interesting path
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to come into this
ministry that you are doing now
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teaching people a
variety of things.
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But let me get a
little history on you,
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because I know our
viewers would be interested.
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Duane, you grew up the
son of the pastor? Right.
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And then you
pastored for how many years?
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Well, I worked for
37 years altogether
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and just recently retired.
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All right, and what did you
do in that 37 years of period?
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Combination of things.
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I actually thought originally
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I was gonna go
straight into business
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so I took an undergraduate
business administration
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then I realized the need
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so many young
people around my age
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at that time are
going through real problems.
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So I decided to take
masters in guidance counseling.
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Okay.
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So then I had a combination of--
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well, I went in the
pastoring a little later on
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and did guidance counseling
within the school system
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kind of a combination
of education and pastoring.
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All right, I know
you're also a school principal,
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but we'll get back to
that in just a moment.
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Now Nancy, you are a
nurse is that correct. Yes.
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And did you grow
up in the church?
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Yes, my parents were Adventist.
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I was born in
an Adventist family
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and went through
our educational system
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from church school
right on up through
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Hinsdale I've took
my diploma nursing there
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and then at Andrews I got
my bachelor's degree at Andrews
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and have stayed
in the nursing field
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pretty active
ever since I graduated.
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Now when you marry Duane
had he already taken his masters
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or gotten his masters
in guidance counseling?
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Well, we met actually
in the library at Andrews
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and he was working
on his masters then
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and I was finishing my
bachelor's degree at that time.
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Because the question
that's burning in my mind is
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you marry someone who is
going into guidance counseling
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and sometimes, you
know, you think that
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you're marrying this
person that's gonna be just this
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wonderful communicator
and got it all together
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that's not often
the case. No. No.
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Was it the case in you?
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No it wasn't. No it wasn't.
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So what got you
interested in our topic today
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about communication?
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Well, of course having
taken guidance counseling
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I found I was pretty good
at it but I really wasn't,
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because I had never even though
I took guidance counseling
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I never really
dealt with my own issues.
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And so for the first
15 years of our marriage
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were really rough, I
mean, we stuck it out
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we were committed
to sticking it out.
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But it wasn't until
after that first 15 years that
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I got an
opportunity to take these skills
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and actually get
counseling for myself
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that I was able to
see the importance of it
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because what I did
for me it was fantastic.
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Why our communication
skills so important?
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Well, so often we just
talk from the head level
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and we don't get
down to the heart level
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where things really exist,
where you life really exist.
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And I had never
really had that happen to me
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to get to the real deeper areas.
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And once I got down
there and those things started
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coming out and I got
the healing that I needed.
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Then when I went back into
the ministry instead of just,
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you know, like a
band aid ministry
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a little text
here and there and,
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you know, God blessing a prayer
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I could actually help
the person go deep down into
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where they were hurting
and then bring God to that spot
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and get them the healing.
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Do you believe, you know,
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I do think that
there is a difference
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in the way men
and women communicate?
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Wouldn't you agree with
that, Nancy? Definitely.
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And it seems to me
that men don't appreciate
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quite as much as women do.
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How their beauty talking can be
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seems that women understand
that a little bit more. Yeah.
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But what is when we're looking
at this how can talking--
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why does talking
make the situation better?
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Well, when you are
talking a specific way,
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I mean, so often we
just talk, talk, talk
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and the men like you say
approach from a different angel
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where they would just want
to solve the problem like that
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and of course men have
been' warned, you know,
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don't try to solve
the problem just listen.
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And there is two
different types of listening.
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I mean, there is
passive listening
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and there is act listening
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and what we're talking
about today is act of listening.
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So a person instead of
just saying um-hum, oh, yeah,
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they say like, okay, let me see
if I understood you correctly.
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You were saying this,
this, this is that correct?
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So they actually
check with the person
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and you can see how focus
that is and how caring that is
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and how unselfish it is
to actually leave my agenda
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and focus on your agenda
and what you are going through.
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You know, I
believe and I teach that
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when we think about
communication skills
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quite frequently we think that
if you are a eloquent speaker,
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if you are articulate you
have good communication skills.
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Really communication
the most important skill
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of communication is listening
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and that is something we all
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as you just said need
to learn to do better,
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because we approach things
off and we've got our agenda,
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someone else and it's not
just men that do this although.
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Have you heard
the studies on recent
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psychology studies and
brain studies that they've done
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not psychology but
brain studies that show
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and had proven
that men only listen
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with one side of the brain
where as women listen with both.
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So I think that men tend to be
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just by there own wiring
more of a passive listener.
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Oh absolutely.
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It takes much more work
for a man to get in there
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and really
actively listen all right.
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All right, so we're gonna come
back to the passive and active.
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Active listening is let me see
if I'm saying this correctly.
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Active listening is when
you are removing your own agenda
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you're listening for the
more than just the content
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but emotion of
what someone is saying.
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Oh, yes, absolutely. You
really getting down to the--
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Yeah, I mean, you want
to make sure you understand
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what the person is saying
and that's why I say focus in
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on the key words and
repeat those back not parade it,
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because obviously then
the person just gets annoyed
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if you just parading
back to them what they said.
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But to say, you know, let me see
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if I understand you correctly.
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So again it's
tentative language,
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it's not oh you said that.
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You know, and it's you tone too,
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because you've got
your body language,
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you've got your tone and
then you've got your words.
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And mostly what people
believe is your body language
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and your tone.
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So are you saying that
if I'm telling you yes,
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I'm listening and my
body language is like this
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you've got my attention
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I'm almost like cutting
somebody off right there.
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Exactly. Exactly, sure.
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But you said something
interesting you said that
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you want to
repeat the main content.
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So can you give us
an example of that--
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how to just start that?
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Do I understand you correctly?
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Right, yeah you want to
start with some type of stem
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you might call it.
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Some beginning that is
tentative type language like
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okay, I'm wondering if I
understood you correctly.
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Like, are you
saying this, this and this.
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I can just give you an example.
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When I was a principal of
the Indian school in Holbrook
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the local rotary
club came up to visit me
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because they wanted
me to become a member.
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And the fellow that came to
visit me I was surprised that
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he knew how to communicate.
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Because he said okay, Duane,
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let me see I've
understand you correctly.
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You are saying that
you are too busy right now
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and you probably wouldn't
be able to join right now,
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but perhaps sometime in
the future, is that correct?
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And it felt so good
that he actually heard me.
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You know, so often we're
used to somebody coming in with
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a guilt trip or a
twisting your arm or
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trying to put
pressure on you for something,
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but he actually let
me be my own person.
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Free to share what
was really on my heart
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where I was really
at and he understood it
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because he could
repeat it back the key points
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not word for word,
but the main key points.
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So I knew that he understood
what I was talking about.
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All right and that is part
of active listening as where
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that you really know you've
heard what the person is saying
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and we'll talk
about the emotional part
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in just a moment.
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But, Nancy, since you are
both trained in these skills
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when you started to
talking to your husband Duane
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and he turns to you it says
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let me see if I understand
correctly, do you ever just go,
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quit practicing that on me.
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You ever feel that way?
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You know, it's really amazing,
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you don't really feel that way
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because I know that he is really
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wanting to hear
what I have to say.
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He is not-- he is using
those skills to facilitate
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what I'm trying to say.
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Communication is two
way, it's what your speaking,
00:10:39.64\00:10:43.19
what you are
trying to get out or hide
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and it's what the
other person is hearing.
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And...
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And we've been
involved in a lot more.
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I mean, there are people
that said that to us especially
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when we first learned it, right?
00:10:54.62\00:10:55.88
Oh yes, there are people
that can say that and that
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it feels when you
are learning these skills
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that really does feel awkward.
00:11:01.76\00:11:02.97
It feels like
you are being fake,
00:11:03.00\00:11:04.91
like, let me say if I
understand you correctly.
00:11:04.94\00:11:07.40
You know, it's like the--
00:11:07.43\00:11:09.62
but you can make
it your own stem.
00:11:09.65\00:11:11.44
You can make it, you
know, did I hear you say or
00:11:11.47\00:11:14.16
did I get that right
I just want to make sure
00:11:14.19\00:11:15.56
I get it right, you know.
00:11:15.59\00:11:16.74
Did you say that and
it just-- it facilitate,
00:11:16.77\00:11:20.96
it opens the door
and people will just--
00:11:20.99\00:11:24.90
they will just gives you
that opportunity to share more.
00:11:24.93\00:11:28.44
Have you ever
experience something that were
00:11:28.47\00:11:30.25
it doesn't really facilitate.
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I'm thinking specifically
there are times when--
00:11:31.38\00:11:34.46
I first met my
husband, he is from Taxes
00:11:34.49\00:11:36.97
and I used to tease him and say
00:11:37.00\00:11:39.02
if you spoke
English you'd bilingual
00:11:39.05\00:11:41.39
because Taxes have their
own little way of communication.
00:11:41.42\00:11:45.07
But there are times that
he'll say something to me
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and I'll say now honey,
is this what you are saying?
00:11:47.91\00:11:50.06
And he'll say, no.
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And he repeats it and we
talk sometimes on a different,
00:11:51.94\00:11:57.64
we just express
ourselves so differently
00:11:57.67\00:12:00.13
that there sometimes
it takes me two or three
00:12:00.16\00:12:03.85
really tries to understand
where he is explaining it
00:12:03.88\00:12:07.33
in the way that I'm
getting what he is saying.
00:12:07.36\00:12:09.64
And sometimes he gets
frustrated when I do that.
00:12:09.67\00:12:12.54
If it's a
sensitively area that you got
00:12:12.57\00:12:15.81
in your relationship then yeah,
it's a matter of finding skills,
00:12:15.84\00:12:19.93
you got a tool box and you've
got lots of skills in there
00:12:19.96\00:12:22.65
and you want to pick the one out
00:12:22.68\00:12:24.23
that is gonna work
the best for this person.
00:12:24.26\00:12:26.88
So it takes a lot of
practice and, you know,
00:12:26.91\00:12:30.48
especially if you
are just met a person
00:12:30.51\00:12:33.36
you wouldn't come along
with a deep feeling skill.
00:12:33.39\00:12:37.24
For an example
like saying, you know,
00:12:37.27\00:12:39.25
sure sounds like
you are very angry.
00:12:39.28\00:12:41.90
You know, if you don't
know this person very well
00:12:41.93\00:12:43.98
you'd want to
come along with just.
00:12:44.01\00:12:45.78
I'm wondering if you
are little upset about that.
00:12:45.81\00:12:47.65
They'll tell you if
they are very angry.
00:12:47.68\00:12:50.02
So yeah, whether it's
in a close relationship
00:12:50.05\00:12:52.52
and you've got a sensitive area
00:12:52.55\00:12:54.48
and you need to find
the way to work around that
00:12:54.51\00:12:56.87
so they don't get
you irritated about that
00:12:56.90\00:12:58.62
or I mean, you can also
focus in on that if you want.
00:12:58.65\00:13:01.46
See, I noticed you
got little irritated
00:13:01.49\00:13:03.45
when I used my communication
skills on that areas.
00:13:03.48\00:13:08.84
The problem there
of course you probably
00:13:08.87\00:13:09.98
already know what it is.
00:13:10.01\00:13:11.04
Well, you know,
Shelley, they also say
00:13:11.07\00:13:13.54
I'm not trying to be difficult,
00:13:13.57\00:13:17.27
but I am having
difficulty understand just
00:13:17.30\00:13:19.77
where you are coming from.
00:13:19.80\00:13:21.18
So I want to you can disclose
where you are coming from
00:13:21.21\00:13:24.12
and profess it with the
little statement, you know,
00:13:24.15\00:13:26.60
that you are not trying to be
00:13:26.63\00:13:28.37
stubborn or
difficult or whatever
00:13:28.40\00:13:31.08
and but I really-- I
do want to understand
00:13:31.11\00:13:33.92
and I am having some
trouble here so tell me again
00:13:33.95\00:13:37.09
or let me ask it this way
or say it a different way.
00:13:37.12\00:13:42.49
I think sometimes
it's very hard for us
00:13:42.52\00:13:46.86
and some people have
great difficulty expressing
00:13:46.89\00:13:50.56
what they're really meaning
00:13:50.59\00:13:52.65
and sometimes we don't even know
00:13:52.68\00:13:54.60
what we're really meaning.
00:13:54.63\00:13:58.21
It's the emotional content
00:13:58.24\00:14:00.42
and then we'll address
that later as you said,
00:14:00.45\00:14:02.27
but that is that
emotional content
00:14:02.30\00:14:04.87
that drives many
times our behavior
00:14:04.90\00:14:07.18
and so we aren't
even connected always
00:14:07.21\00:14:09.91
with what's going on and so
it's hard to express it then.
00:14:09.94\00:14:14.00
So I liked what
you said just there
00:14:14.03\00:14:15.99
and I'm not sure
that I can even paraphrase
00:14:16.02\00:14:18.47
but I liked the stem question
00:14:18.50\00:14:22.35
that's what we calling
these to stem questions.
00:14:22.38\00:14:24.82
And let me see if we
can kind of summarize
00:14:24.85\00:14:26.78
what we've talked about so far.
00:14:26.81\00:14:28.38
It's basically when
someone comes to you
00:14:28.41\00:14:31.07
if you want to be
actively involved in listening
00:14:31.10\00:14:34.35
and they are saying
something instead of,
00:14:34.38\00:14:36.66
which we all do instead of
just kind of blocking it out
00:14:36.69\00:14:41.59
and continue on
reading the paper
00:14:41.62\00:14:43.34
or working at the computer
or whatever you're doing
00:14:43.37\00:14:46.15
if you really want
to understand someone
00:14:46.18\00:14:48.34
you want to turn
back to them and say okay,
00:14:48.37\00:14:51.24
now if I understand you
correctly this is what you said
00:14:51.27\00:14:54.01
or I'm wondering if this
is what you are saying is,
00:14:54.04\00:14:56.95
this what you're
saying I don't remember
00:14:56.98\00:14:58.83
your stem
questions you just did.
00:14:58.86\00:15:00.65
Did I get this right?
00:15:00.68\00:15:01.92
Did I get this right?
00:15:01.95\00:15:02.98
I want to understand you.
I'm not trying to be difficult.
00:15:03.01\00:15:05.74
I'm just wanted to understand.
00:15:05.77\00:15:08.99
So this is something
that and it's not just,
00:15:09.02\00:15:12.23
you know, sometimes
it's just regular everyday
00:15:12.26\00:15:14.85
talk between people
00:15:14.88\00:15:15.94
that people just
misfire when they communicate.
00:15:15.97\00:15:18.36
Exactly, exactly.
00:15:18.39\00:15:20.19
But now there is something that
00:15:20.22\00:15:22.91
we all do to
some extent that shows
00:15:22.94\00:15:27.12
we're not active listening
00:15:27.15\00:15:28.86
and that is we try as
you're listening to someone
00:15:28.89\00:15:33.33
we're all we try to figure out
00:15:33.36\00:15:34.94
what that person
is trying to say.
00:15:34.97\00:15:36.12
Right, right.
00:15:36.15\00:15:37.71
And we have a tendency
sometimes to shut him down.
00:15:37.74\00:15:41.05
Well, I think you call
them blocking statements.
00:15:41.08\00:15:44.37
Yes, blocking statements
and also it's your lag time
00:15:44.40\00:15:48.18
between what
the person is saying
00:15:48.21\00:15:50.00
and when you're
going to start talking.
00:15:50.03\00:15:52.05
You've got a lag time in there.
00:15:52.08\00:15:53.88
Are you just thinking about
what you're going to say back
00:15:53.91\00:15:56.77
or are you picking
a good appropriate way
00:15:56.80\00:16:00.57
to listen to them.
00:16:00.60\00:16:02.60
Yes, if I just came up
with a blocking statement.
00:16:02.63\00:16:05.93
Well, you know, you say as well,
00:16:05.96\00:16:08.28
I'm having a
little trouble on my job.
00:16:08.31\00:16:09.93
And they say oh well,
yeah, I've trouble my job too.
00:16:09.96\00:16:12.00
And that's a way it
goes what can you do?
00:16:12.03\00:16:14.28
Or he can say oh
what is it about your job
00:16:14.31\00:16:16.33
that you are
having trouble with.
00:16:16.36\00:16:17.71
Because if a person says
I'm having trouble on my job
00:16:17.74\00:16:20.42
they've left a lot.
00:16:20.45\00:16:21.92
I mean, the natural question
that would come to your mind is,
00:16:21.95\00:16:23.98
what is it about your job
00:16:24.01\00:16:25.76
that you're having trouble with.
00:16:25.79\00:16:26.82
But if you don't have time
to talk to him at that point.
00:16:26.85\00:16:29.37
Yeah.
00:16:29.40\00:16:30.43
Or if you work with a man
00:16:30.46\00:16:32.53
and you think
it's about their boss
00:16:32.56\00:16:33.86
and you don't
want to get involved
00:16:33.89\00:16:35.09
or for whatever
reason or you just clueless.
00:16:35.12\00:16:38.33
You want to share your story
00:16:38.36\00:16:39.64
and that's many
times what we want to do.
00:16:39.67\00:16:40.94
We want to share our experience
and in fact many times
00:16:40.97\00:16:45.32
we are intending to
make them feel better
00:16:45.35\00:16:49.36
and communicate our care to them
00:16:49.39\00:16:51.71
by relating a
similar experience.
00:16:51.74\00:16:54.30
But it really backfires,
00:16:54.33\00:16:56.12
because it really
serves as a blocking statement
00:16:56.15\00:17:00.00
and shuts them off from
being able to, to share.
00:17:00.03\00:17:03.45
So here we are trying to
be helpful and caring people
00:17:03.48\00:17:06.10
and we're cutting off
the communication process.
00:17:06.13\00:17:08.47
You know, Jim
Gilley and I have this
00:17:08.50\00:17:10.89
little standing
joke that in Taxes
00:17:10.92\00:17:13.87
somebody tells the story
and the next thing is I mean,
00:17:13.90\00:17:16.82
that's part of the
excepting communication
00:17:16.85\00:17:18.70
is then you tell your story
00:17:18.73\00:17:20.36
and sometimes you
can seem on feeling
00:17:20.39\00:17:22.87
if you hear someone story
00:17:22.90\00:17:24.29
and then suddenly
you lunge into a story
00:17:24.32\00:17:25.98
or like it's one-upmanship
00:17:26.01\00:17:27.62
where it's just kind of
an excepted thing from Taxes.
00:17:27.65\00:17:31.43
But if I am using a
blocking statement for example
00:17:31.46\00:17:36.45
let me see if I'm
understanding correctly.
00:17:36.48\00:17:38.75
Someone says to
me I've just found
00:17:38.78\00:17:42.04
that I had a lump in my breast
00:17:42.07\00:17:43.53
and I say oh don't worry
I had one in mine and well.
00:17:43.56\00:17:45.67
They took it out
and it wasn't malignant.
00:17:45.70\00:17:48.11
That's kind of blocking I
just stop them from talking.
00:17:48.14\00:17:51.00
Right.
00:17:51.03\00:17:52.06
So how do we--
00:17:52.09\00:17:53.79
it is a natural tendency
00:17:53.82\00:17:54.98
we think we're
making feel better.
00:17:55.01\00:17:56.94
How do we avoid that?
00:17:56.97\00:17:59.55
I mean, the first
thing you do is to--
00:17:59.58\00:18:01.93
if he can't think of what to do
00:18:01.96\00:18:03.79
and this is what I usually do
00:18:03.82\00:18:05.10
I again
paraphrase what they've said.
00:18:05.13\00:18:07.30
Okay, let me see if I
understand you correctly.
00:18:07.33\00:18:09.38
So you found or you had a
medical checkup and you found
00:18:09.41\00:18:13.95
that there was some kind
of a lump in your breast,
00:18:13.98\00:18:15.91
is there anything else you'd
like to talk about with that.
00:18:15.94\00:18:19.64
And, you know,
give them an opportunity
00:18:19.67\00:18:21.60
to be able to
continue if they want to.
00:18:21.63\00:18:24.09
Again they take the
lead, we don't take the lead,
00:18:24.12\00:18:27.05
we just open it up,
give them an opportunity.
00:18:27.08\00:18:29.86
We're ready to
listen if you want to talk.
00:18:29.89\00:18:32.94
The next skill that
goes with that paraphrase
00:18:32.97\00:18:35.87
which is very
closely related would be
00:18:35.90\00:18:38.16
and that would be my
response to her being,
00:18:38.19\00:18:40.34
you know, if it was a
woman to woman would be
00:18:40.37\00:18:43.19
oh, how did you feel
when you've heard that news?
00:18:43.22\00:18:46.46
You know, how did
you feel about that
00:18:46.49\00:18:47.99
because the next one
is like a perception check
00:18:48.02\00:18:51.30
or you're
moving from content to,
00:18:51.33\00:18:55.58
you know, their feelings
00:18:55.61\00:18:57.00
or the emotions
behind the content.
00:18:57.03\00:19:00.37
And very often the
statement is cry for help.
00:19:00.40\00:19:05.01
Yes.
00:19:05.04\00:19:06.21
You know, the person
is putting that out there
00:19:06.24\00:19:08.11
to see if anybody is
gonna pick up on him.
00:19:08.14\00:19:11.11
And that something that as
we use our listening skills
00:19:11.14\00:19:18.59
and I think we probably
not have time in this program
00:19:18.62\00:19:20.81
really to get into
all the emotional part.
00:19:20.84\00:19:23.09
Well, we'd like for you
to come back and do that.
00:19:23.12\00:19:25.62
But as we use
our listening skills
00:19:25.65\00:19:27.92
then we can see if
they're wanting to talk but,
00:19:27.95\00:19:31.86
Nancy, let's say that
we'll use this issue here.
00:19:31.89\00:19:34.62
If you say, how did you feel?
00:19:34.65\00:19:36.59
And someone says
00:19:36.62\00:19:37.85
well, I really don't
want to discuss this.
00:19:37.88\00:19:40.87
Then we shouldn't keep blind
that's not good communication.
00:19:40.90\00:19:45.59
That's they're telling us
00:19:45.62\00:19:46.85
we're giving
them the opportunity
00:19:46.88\00:19:48.77
and for whatever
reason they are not able to,
00:19:48.80\00:19:51.97
chose not to
whatever we respect that.
00:19:52.00\00:19:54.78
Sure we could say
that's understandable.
00:19:54.81\00:19:56.46
Okay.
00:19:56.49\00:19:57.52
You know, appreciated.
00:19:57.55\00:19:58.64
We could also
leave the door open.
00:19:58.67\00:20:00.39
We could say, you know, if
there is a time in the future
00:20:00.42\00:20:02.28
that you'd like to talk
about that I'm here for you.
00:20:02.31\00:20:04.64
That's good.
Right. That excellent.
00:20:04.67\00:20:06.33
Very pastoral, very pastoral.
00:20:06.36\00:20:09.80
But that's
something that we need to be--
00:20:09.83\00:20:11.03
Yeah, because it's
fantastic to be caring
00:20:11.06\00:20:14.60
and loving about
with another person
00:20:14.63\00:20:16.76
when you really get into
this, it's really rewarding.
00:20:16.79\00:20:19.78
How about when a situation
is very emotionally charged,
00:20:19.81\00:20:25.46
how do these listening
skills defuse that situation?
00:20:25.49\00:20:30.81
Well, yeah, okay,
you are talking like,
00:20:30.84\00:20:33.22
more like an angry thing
rather than a grief thing?
00:20:33.25\00:20:36.14
Yes we're saying, yes, yes.
00:20:36.17\00:20:37.20
Like emotionally charged in
an anger type of thing? Yes.
00:20:37.23\00:20:39.38
Okay, first of all, I mean,
00:20:39.41\00:20:43.45
I would want to again
paraphrase what they were saying
00:20:43.48\00:20:46.66
then I would want to
checking on their feeling,
00:20:46.69\00:20:49.99
you know, let say, let me see
00:20:50.02\00:20:51.05
if I've understand you correctly
this and this is happening
00:20:51.08\00:20:53.44
and it seems to me like
this is really frustrating
00:20:53.47\00:20:56.53
for you is that correct.
00:20:56.56\00:20:58.45
And very often
when they are talking
00:20:58.48\00:21:00.28
you'll start getting a
feeling inside yourself
00:21:00.31\00:21:02.59
of what that
person is going through
00:21:02.62\00:21:04.98
and try that feeling.
00:21:05.01\00:21:06.43
Okay, if I get a
feeling of anxiety
00:21:06.46\00:21:10.08
then I'm gonna say I'm wondering
00:21:10.11\00:21:11.14
if you are feeling a
little anxious about this.
00:21:11.17\00:21:12.88
Am I right?
00:21:12.91\00:21:14.45
What if I come at you and say,
00:21:14.48\00:21:16.88
Duane, you are
crazy and I hate it
00:21:16.91\00:21:19.10
when you're using
these skills on me,
00:21:19.13\00:21:22.12
you know, I'm mad at you--
00:21:22.15\00:21:23.55
all right, I don't
say I'm mad at you,
00:21:23.58\00:21:24.74
but I'm this, this and this.
00:21:24.77\00:21:26.63
If I tell you, you are
crazy how do you defuse that?
00:21:26.66\00:21:29.30
Well, that's true. I
do come across this crazy.
00:21:29.33\00:21:32.79
So you'd actually
say something on that.
00:21:32.82\00:21:33.85
I would agree to, you know,
00:21:33.88\00:21:35.15
anything I could
in there because,
00:21:35.18\00:21:37.21
you know, it's like
blowing up a big balloon
00:21:37.24\00:21:39.24
and so even popping on you,
00:21:39.27\00:21:41.40
I want to let
some air out of it.
00:21:41.43\00:21:43.06
So I'm going to say it's true
00:21:43.09\00:21:44.42
I come across it's
crazy sometimes and I know,
00:21:44.45\00:21:47.05
it's not the first time
I've been accused of that,
00:21:47.08\00:21:49.83
I do get accused of
using the skills that way
00:21:49.86\00:21:51.92
but I do want to
hear what you have to say
00:21:51.95\00:21:54.07
so if it's all
right would you continue.
00:21:54.10\00:21:57.36
That skill is kind of
like fogging or it's defusing
00:21:57.39\00:22:02.42
that was a good word
that you used defusing,
00:22:02.45\00:22:05.28
because when somebody is firing
00:22:05.31\00:22:07.58
things that you are whether--
00:22:07.61\00:22:09.44
it's about them and
it's hard to remember
00:22:09.47\00:22:11.20
that when you are
directly under attack,
00:22:11.23\00:22:13.90
but it is about
them they are not,
00:22:13.93\00:22:16.78
you know, they are full
of emotion and full of anger
00:22:16.81\00:22:19.92
and so they are--
00:22:19.95\00:22:21.53
but it's about
them, it's not about you.
00:22:21.56\00:22:23.61
And so when you can say
00:22:23.64\00:22:25.51
yeah, you know, sometimes I
do speak out of turn or yeah,
00:22:25.54\00:22:30.36
I'm not really always right,
00:22:30.39\00:22:33.23
you know, as
caring as I should be,
00:22:33.26\00:22:35.14
I mean, because truly
we're not we're human beings,
00:22:35.17\00:22:37.43
so we're not perfect in
our response and reaction.
00:22:37.46\00:22:41.17
Nancy, that is an excellent
point that it's about them.
00:22:41.20\00:22:44.81
When someone is attacking us
00:22:44.84\00:22:47.26
we take it so personally
that we react rather than act.
00:22:47.29\00:22:51.22
So basically
what you're saying is,
00:22:51.25\00:22:55.46
that what we should do is take
time to act rather than react.
00:22:55.49\00:23:01.82
And recognize
that's all about them.
00:23:01.85\00:23:03.28
And let them, let them vent,
00:23:03.31\00:23:05.34
let them be
facilitating and is there,
00:23:05.37\00:23:09.37
in fact is there
anything else about
00:23:09.40\00:23:12.15
what I do or is there
anything about disorganization
00:23:12.18\00:23:15.30
or is there anything
else about your neighbor
00:23:15.33\00:23:17.70
or whatever the
topic is you know
00:23:17.73\00:23:19.36
that is bothering you.
00:23:19.39\00:23:20.93
And just allow
them to get it all out,
00:23:20.96\00:23:22.75
because when you're
dealing with someone
00:23:22.78\00:23:24.66
who is so angry it's
like dealing with someone
00:23:24.69\00:23:27.01
under the
influence of substances.
00:23:27.04\00:23:29.67
You know, they are
not rationally thinking,
00:23:29.70\00:23:32.22
they can't make
decisions clearly,
00:23:32.25\00:23:34.47
they just are feeling
bad and trying to get it out.
00:23:34.50\00:23:37.13
And so you can facilitate
them, getting it down,
00:23:37.16\00:23:40.45
getting it out, getting
all that poison out as it were
00:23:40.48\00:23:43.20
and then you can talk
about the actual issues
00:23:43.23\00:23:46.62
or the problem or
what needs to take place.
00:23:46.65\00:23:49.43
Okay, now if we're using these
stemming questions trying to--
00:23:49.46\00:23:54.66
and the stemming
questions let me understand if--
00:23:54.69\00:23:58.85
let me see if I'm
understanding you correctly
00:23:58.88\00:24:02.92
but and then we are
avoiding the blocking statements
00:24:02.95\00:24:06.16
of just saying you're
mad at me I can be whatever.
00:24:06.19\00:24:11.09
But we avoid the
blocking statements,
00:24:11.12\00:24:13.40
but then using these skills
00:24:13.43\00:24:16.76
can they ever be
dangerous like you're saying,
00:24:16.79\00:24:20.04
you kind of agree
to them to a point
00:24:20.07\00:24:23.88
on what you confine to agree,
but do we have to be careful
00:24:23.91\00:24:27.43
how we use these skills?
Oh definitely, definitely.
00:24:27.46\00:24:29.39
They are very powerful skills
00:24:29.42\00:24:31.03
and if they are
using a wrong way
00:24:31.06\00:24:32.88
they can backfire on you.
00:24:32.91\00:24:34.11
So matter of fact, I was
teaching some academy kids
00:24:34.14\00:24:35.95
one time on how
to do these skills
00:24:35.98\00:24:38.00
and they went to a
sibling and using the wrong tone
00:24:38.03\00:24:42.19
and saying things in rather
it's not we're using the skill.
00:24:42.22\00:24:46.24
I'm wondering if you are angry.
00:24:46.27\00:24:48.44
Boom you got punched on nose.
00:24:48.47\00:24:49.87
So you know, yeah,
you've got to be careful.
00:24:49.90\00:24:52.76
The tone you use and
how you go about them
00:24:52.79\00:24:55.84
and that's why when
we teach these skills
00:24:55.87\00:24:58.04
we have a lot of
practice, a lot of practice,
00:24:58.07\00:25:01.35
'cause it takes
a lot of practice
00:25:01.38\00:25:02.79
to get really good
at this and of course
00:25:02.82\00:25:04.57
with Christ dwelling
in your heart, I mean,
00:25:04.60\00:25:06.45
you will have that
love and if you approach it
00:25:06.48\00:25:08.62
from their view point
that you are there to care
00:25:08.65\00:25:11.16
about the person.
00:25:11.19\00:25:12.29
Certainly with these
young people the sibling rivalry
00:25:12.32\00:25:15.23
between them was so tough
00:25:15.26\00:25:17.16
already it was easy
for something to flare-up
00:25:17.19\00:25:18.95
and that's what
happened in that case.
00:25:18.98\00:25:21.43
But you know,
again it's a good point
00:25:21.46\00:25:24.96
when you're a parent
talking to your child.
00:25:24.99\00:25:27.80
So many times parents,
00:25:27.83\00:25:29.46
kids will come home and
say, oh, I hate my teacher.
00:25:29.49\00:25:32.27
You-- they made us stay in
for five minutes from recess
00:25:32.30\00:25:35.72
because Johnny was
doing such and such, you know.
00:25:35.75\00:25:38.95
We all had to
lose our recess time.
00:25:38.98\00:25:42.06
And most parents will,
00:25:42.09\00:25:44.55
you know, want to
affirm the teacher
00:25:44.58\00:25:46.80
and recognize that there is
misunderstanding or whatever.
00:25:46.83\00:25:49.42
But if you focus
on the child's need
00:25:49.45\00:25:52.77
and feelings and
try to draw them out
00:25:52.80\00:25:55.51
and help to listen to them
00:25:55.54\00:25:56.60
that shows that
you respect them,
00:25:56.63\00:25:58.53
they can get
those feelings out and,
00:25:58.56\00:26:01.30
you know, we
really do inside half
00:26:01.33\00:26:05.00
a lot of knowledge
about how to resolve an issue
00:26:05.03\00:26:09.99
or it takes care of itself
00:26:10.02\00:26:11.51
if we just allow the
person to speak it out.
00:26:11.54\00:26:15.03
I think what you
just said Nancy is that
00:26:15.06\00:26:17.43
some of this probably try
00:26:17.46\00:26:19.21
to turn the tide
of a conversation
00:26:19.24\00:26:21.49
and change someone's
mind before we understand
00:26:21.52\00:26:25.18
what's really
going on in their heart.
00:26:25.21\00:26:26.24
Exactly, yeah.
00:26:26.27\00:26:27.56
You know, our
time has already gone.
00:26:27.59\00:26:28.95
And this was flown by.
00:26:28.98\00:26:30.78
But I want to thank you so much
00:26:30.81\00:26:33.81
and if you can just
take about 30 seconds
00:26:33.84\00:26:36.55
and let's just summarize
00:26:36.58\00:26:38.31
what we've talked about today.
00:26:38.34\00:26:40.17
Basically, you
know, when Christ said
00:26:40.20\00:26:42.01
to love one another
as I have loved you.
00:26:42.04\00:26:45.13
That's was a new
commandment for them,
00:26:45.16\00:26:46.42
because they weren't really
caring, loving like He was.
00:26:46.45\00:26:49.77
I mean, He was just
totally focused on the people
00:26:49.80\00:26:53.00
He was ministering to.
00:26:53.03\00:26:54.36
And that's probably
going to be our biggest battle
00:26:54.39\00:26:56.46
is to get over just,
00:26:56.49\00:26:57.70
you know, me and my things
and I want to talk about myself.
00:26:57.73\00:27:00.77
And just really
focus on that other person
00:27:00.80\00:27:02.59
and let me see if I
understand you correctly.
00:27:02.62\00:27:05.21
Are you saying
this and I'm wondering
00:27:05.24\00:27:07.44
if you're feeling a little bit.
00:27:07.47\00:27:08.61
Just really
focus on that person.
00:27:08.64\00:27:10.60
Yes, so use those stem
questions to try to find out
00:27:10.63\00:27:15.12
if you are understanding
00:27:15.15\00:27:16.21
and that's basically
paraphrasing the main content,
00:27:16.24\00:27:20.00
avoid blocking
statements and be sensitive.
00:27:20.03\00:27:24.38
Be sensitive exactly.
00:27:24.41\00:27:26.07
Okay, thank you so
much for being here
00:27:26.10\00:27:29.14
and we're so glad that
you're gonna be coming back.
00:27:29.17\00:27:31.63
Duane and Nancy
will be returning.
00:27:31.66\00:27:34.28
And we are thrill
that they'll be returning,
00:27:34.31\00:27:36.45
because we cannot
impress enough on you
00:27:36.48\00:27:39.64
how important it is to
learn good communication skills
00:27:39.67\00:27:42.87
and this takes a lot
of practice as you said.
00:27:42.90\00:27:46.50
But remember the Lord loves you,
00:27:46.53\00:27:48.97
He is always listening to you
00:27:49.00\00:27:50.66
and He want you
to hear His voice.
00:27:50.69\00:27:52.69
So come back and
see us again, thank you.
00:27:52.72\00:27:55.46