¤ ¤
00:00:01.36\00:00:29.74
Hello friends and welcome
to 3ABNs Issues and Answers.
00:00:29.78\00:00:33.03
My name is John Lomacang
and it's always good to have you
00:00:33.07\00:00:36.75
tune in and discover that
whatever the issue Jesus is, in
00:00:36.78\00:00:40.39
fact, the answer. We have Carol
Zarska with us today who's going
00:00:40.43\00:00:44.04
to bring to us a wonderful topic
If you are married or even if
00:00:44.07\00:00:47.41
you are single you may have the
concept in your mind that men
00:00:47.45\00:00:51.00
are from Mars and woman are from
Venus. We're going to talk about
00:00:51.03\00:00:54.54
male and female communication.
So let's welcome our guest at
00:00:54.58\00:00:58.19
this time. Carol so
good to have you here.
00:00:58.22\00:00:59.81
It's good to be here. I'm
so glad that I'm able to join
00:00:59.85\00:01:03.71
together with you today John.
00:01:03.74\00:01:05.18
You know what's so nice about
it, we have a male and female
00:01:05.22\00:01:07.64
communication. I'm a male,
you're a female so we'll be able
00:01:07.68\00:01:10.07
to see it from both
angles. Yeah, that's very good.
00:01:10.10\00:01:13.91
You are a speaker and a family
counselor. Yes. And a person who
00:01:13.95\00:01:18.46
has been really in ministry for
a number of years. Just give us
00:01:18.49\00:01:22.29
a brief overview of what you've
been doing for the Lord, or
00:01:22.32\00:01:26.09
should I say what the Lord
has been doing through you.
00:01:26.12\00:01:28.25
Since 1984 I've been a public
speaker. My major impetus in the
00:01:28.29\00:01:36.32
beginning was the
sanctuary which led me into more
00:01:36.35\00:01:39.52
understanding about
relationships because the
00:01:39.55\00:01:41.73
sanctuary as we understand it
experientially is an example of
00:01:41.77\00:01:47.32
how God wants to teach us to
interact with himself through
00:01:47.35\00:01:52.64
prayer because the sanctuary
is a model for prayer, but it's
00:01:52.67\00:01:57.37
also a model since we were
created in God's image, it's a
00:01:57.41\00:02:02.01
model for relationships with
people as well. So I've been
00:02:02.05\00:02:05.86
learning more and more about
that as the years have gone by
00:02:05.89\00:02:09.84
and it has been such an exciting
journey to find out how God
00:02:09.87\00:02:13.79
wants to bring us
back to wholeness.
00:02:13.82\00:02:15.51
I like the way you see that. The
Lord wants to not only bring us
00:02:15.55\00:02:19.12
back to wholeness but he wants
to communicate with us. I enjoy
00:02:19.16\00:02:22.11
studying the Bible and also
teaching it and I've discovered
00:02:22.15\00:02:24.92
that Revelation, which is a book
written in a lot of sanctuary
00:02:24.95\00:02:28.74
symbolism, you find the Lord
says seven time, at least eight
00:02:28.77\00:02:33.30
times he who has an ear let him
hear what the Spirit says. But
00:02:33.33\00:02:37.10
our focus today is what the
Spirit is saying to the male and
00:02:37.14\00:02:40.62
to the female and then how
the male and the female should
00:02:40.65\00:02:44.39
communicate together. What
led you into looking into that
00:02:44.42\00:02:48.13
particularly? Well,
number one I am a wife and
00:02:48.16\00:02:52.88
a mother and my husband and I
have been married for 50 years
00:02:52.92\00:02:57.99
and so we've had a lot
of practice on both sides.
00:02:58.02\00:03:01.70
I like that. And
since I have been a family
00:03:01.73\00:03:06.91
counselor for years I thought
that I had it pretty much
00:03:06.95\00:03:13.45
together. I thought I knew what
I needed to know about not only
00:03:13.49\00:03:17.90
my own relationship with my
husband but also teach other
00:03:17.93\00:03:21.20
people. And for quite some time
it seemed to work out fine. But
00:03:21.24\00:03:27.62
in the last, I would say, five
years I began to notice that
00:03:27.65\00:03:33.96
my relationship with my husband
wasn't faring as well. It seemed
00:03:34.00\00:03:39.10
that no matter hard I tried and
how nice I was, it seemed that
00:03:39.14\00:03:44.76
he was being more irritable. I
tried to reach out to him and I
00:03:44.80\00:03:49.15
thought I was being such a good
wife and doing all the things
00:03:49.18\00:03:53.31
that I was teaching other people
about how to be kind and be
00:03:53.34\00:03:58.24
affirming and all those things.
But it still wasn't working. It
00:03:58.28\00:04:03.15
got to the place where I began
to wonder if my husband was
00:04:03.18\00:04:07.54
getting Alzheimer's or whatever
because we are getting older.
00:04:07.58\00:04:12.86
My husband is 71 now, but at the
time we were nearing 70 and I
00:04:12.89\00:04:18.14
thought well maybe something's
wrong with his mind. So it
00:04:18.17\00:04:22.17
seemed like every day it was
some kind of irritation and I
00:04:22.20\00:04:26.13
would say something. For example
a little conversation; he'd say
00:04:26.17\00:04:31.50
I wonder where my keys are,
can't find my keys. And I would
00:04:31.53\00:04:34.43
say well where did you put them
last? And he would say if I knew
00:04:34.47\00:04:39.02
where I put them last, I would
go and get them. And I would
00:04:39.05\00:04:42.90
say well honey I'm just trying
to be helpful. And he would say
00:04:42.94\00:04:47.18
well you're not being helpful
because if you say silly things
00:04:47.22\00:04:50.65
like that then how can that be
helpful. So why don't you help
00:04:50.69\00:04:54.97
me find my keys. I would say
well OK honey, I will and pretty
00:04:55.01\00:04:58.92
soon he would find his keys but
he was already irritated by the
00:04:58.96\00:05:02.84
whole conversation. You
know, I'm smiling because my
00:05:02.87\00:05:05.61
wife and I have had that
conversation before and her
00:05:05.64\00:05:08.31
reply was the same thing, where
did you put them last and I
00:05:08.35\00:05:11.38
recall saying the same thing to
her, where did you put it last,
00:05:11.42\00:05:14.60
because sometimes she rushing
out of the house and switching
00:05:14.63\00:05:19.20
pocketbooks and all that. So we
see that not all women are very
00:05:19.23\00:05:22.78
far apart and I think that one
of the things that you alluded
00:05:22.81\00:05:26.09
to before the program began was,
and I want you to build on this,
00:05:26.13\00:05:29.38
is that men and women
communicate quite differently.
00:05:29.41\00:05:34.23
Talk to me about that.
00:05:34.26\00:05:36.47
Yes, and I knew that but I
didn't know that I was doing
00:05:36.51\00:05:41.03
anything wrong by being helpful
and that's why I was blaming my
00:05:41.07\00:05:45.16
husband in my heart, it must be
him, something's wrong with him.
00:05:45.20\00:05:50.18
And of course after any kind of
hard or difficult or irritating
00:05:50.21\00:05:55.16
conversation then my husband
would leave and I would feel
00:05:55.19\00:05:58.92
very devastated because I wanted
00:05:58.96\00:06:02.25
to have smooth communications
and kisses at the door and
00:06:02.29\00:06:05.46
things like that and when he
would be in that kind of a mood
00:06:05.49\00:06:08.84
he would just go and not even
say goodbye and I would cry for
00:06:08.88\00:06:13.10
a couple of hours or whatever.
It was to the place where I
00:06:13.14\00:06:17.73
finally said Lord, I have to
have new light. I thought I knew
00:06:17.77\00:06:22.17
everything and something is
wrong. I asked the Lord to show
00:06:22.21\00:06:27.85
me what to do to make our lives
more happy. Well I need to tell
00:06:27.88\00:06:32.42
a little bit of a story about
how God led me to understand how
00:06:32.46\00:06:36.75
to talk to my husband in a
way that we never have any more
00:06:36.78\00:06:41.04
arguments, anymore. Now
before you tell me, you know
00:06:41.07\00:06:43.78
what's so nice about this. You
have, as you said, been married
00:06:43.82\00:06:47.10
for 50 years and what's so
encouraging about what you're
00:06:47.13\00:06:50.60
admitting to or even talking
about right now is that we can
00:06:50.64\00:06:54.29
always learn no matter how
long we've been married. There's
00:06:54.32\00:06:57.94
always room to learn
how to communicate better.
00:06:57.97\00:07:00.60
Right. I feel that God since he
knows everything is the place we
00:07:00.64\00:07:06.68
have to go because I already had
studied so much and thought I
00:07:06.72\00:07:12.73
knew so much. But God had
something special for me that
00:07:12.76\00:07:16.53
I've been able to share now
in the last three years that has
00:07:16.57\00:07:20.53
changed my marriage and changed
a lot of others as I've been
00:07:20.56\00:07:24.97
able to share this. One day
I was alone in the house and it
00:07:25.01\00:07:31.16
was Friday and I sat down in
my chair about sundown and since
00:07:31.20\00:07:37.32
I was alone and that's
rather rare because I'm always
00:07:37.35\00:07:40.08
surrounded with people, I
decided I would do something
00:07:40.11\00:07:45.01
special. So I went to the
big glass doors in our home and
00:07:45.04\00:07:49.87
looked out as the sun was going
down on Friday evening. I said
00:07:49.91\00:07:54.51
Lord I'm all alone and so I'm
going to come and invite you in
00:07:54.54\00:07:59.58
to my home this evening and you
and I can have a nice Sabbath
00:07:59.62\00:08:05.05
evening together. So I did a
little ritual of inviting him
00:08:05.08\00:08:10.44
and then I went over to my chair
and sat down and talked to the
00:08:10.48\00:08:14.96
Lord and studied and prayed
and so forth. Well several days
00:08:15.00\00:08:18.94
after that I was again talking
to the Lord about my husband and
00:08:18.97\00:08:23.27
my relationship with my husband
and God spoke to me in my heart
00:08:23.30\00:08:27.57
and in my mind and he said
do you remember the other night
00:08:27.60\00:08:32.85
when you invited me into your
home and you came to the door
00:08:32.89\00:08:37.26
and invited me in and we
had a loving relationship that
00:08:37.30\00:08:41.60
evening? And I said yes and he
said well I want you to do that
00:08:41.64\00:08:46.78
same thing every time your
husband walks through that door.
00:08:46.82\00:08:52.54
And I thought, that's what I
said, Mmm. Because after you're
00:08:52.58\00:08:57.37
married 50 years I didn't always
jump up and run to the door and
00:08:57.40\00:09:01.22
give my husband a big kiss. I'd
say hi honey or something like
00:09:01.26\00:09:05.16
that and keep on with what I was
doing. The routine. The routine.
00:09:05.20\00:09:09.07
But the Lord began to teach
me that I needed to treat my
00:09:09.10\00:09:13.63
husband with more respect first
of all, that he is a king. God
00:09:13.67\00:09:19.19
made him that way. The Lord
began to show me how when he
00:09:19.22\00:09:22.58
created Adam and Eve that Adam
was a king. Now Eve was a Queen
00:09:22.62\00:09:28.05
but the Queen is not the same as
the King even though it is equal
00:09:28.09\00:09:33.09
It's a submission of equals and
how to treat one another and I
00:09:33.13\00:09:37.09
didn't know that. I treated him
the same way I treated everybody
00:09:37.12\00:09:41.79
else, except of course I loved
him as my husband. So I began to
00:09:41.82\00:09:45.45
do that. So when he would come
I would go to the door and give
00:09:45.48\00:09:48.93
him a hug and a kiss and I would
say honey are you hungry? Is
00:09:48.96\00:09:53.34
there anything I can do for you?
Would you like for me to run the
00:09:53.38\00:09:57.73
bath water for you or what
can I do for you? And he's like
00:09:57.76\00:10:02.15
stunned or whatever. But he
got used to it and he liked it.
00:10:02.19\00:10:06.51
So now when he comes home I meet
him at the door, I feed him and
00:10:06.55\00:10:12.77
I talk with him. Step number two
That in itself is not enough.
00:10:12.81\00:10:18.54
Step number two is the Lord
began to teach me that I was not
00:10:18.57\00:10:24.51
communicating to my husband
in a proper way. Now I knew from
00:10:24.54\00:10:29.98
studies that have come out
in scientific circles today that
00:10:30.02\00:10:34.69
the brains of a man and a woman
function somewhat differently.
00:10:34.73\00:10:42.19
That men have more testosterone
and men have more comfort level
00:10:42.23\00:10:49.66
in what is called left
hemisphere of the brain
00:10:49.69\00:10:52.49
which is more where there's
authority and there is action,
00:10:52.53\00:10:58.58
there are rules and regulations
and time orientation and where
00:10:58.61\00:11:05.14
there's not as much talking
as women can do. It is said that
00:11:05.17\00:11:10.73
men want to talk about 20,000
words a day and women 50,000
00:11:10.76\00:11:16.21
words a day. Wow. So that's
quite a disparity. I would say.
00:11:16.24\00:11:21.62
And so the Lord began to impress
me don't talk to him the way you
00:11:21.66\00:11:26.11
do your girlfriends which is
just talk, talk. As soon as he
00:11:26.14\00:11:29.88
comes in the house, Oh honey you
know what happened today and I'm
00:11:29.92\00:11:32.88
telling him all about my day and
all this kind of stuff. The Lord
00:11:32.91\00:11:35.84
said let him talk first. He
is the one that needs to unload
00:11:35.87\00:11:42.67
whatever he wants to. That
moment of time when he and you
00:11:42.70\00:11:49.43
are together you put him first.
So I began to do that. Then step
00:11:49.47\00:11:54.76
number three was that the Lord
began to show me that I was not
00:11:54.80\00:11:59.44
speaking to him correctly; that
I was being motherly, that I was
00:11:59.47\00:12:04.91
telling him what to do, that
I would give him advice. So I'm
00:12:04.95\00:12:10.36
going to use a little
conversation that started us on
00:12:10.39\00:12:16.34
a completely new track. Whenever
I would say things to my husband
00:12:16.38\00:12:22.02
that were a little preachy,
teachy, motherly the way I would
00:12:22.05\00:12:26.86
speak to my child perhaps, and
say why don't you do it this way
00:12:26.90\00:12:31.68
or why are you doing it that
way. How about this or giving
00:12:31.71\00:12:34.99
him suggestions and he would say
what are you trying to do, be
00:12:35.03\00:12:38.00
the boss? And I'm saying no I'm
not trying to be the boss. So
00:12:38.04\00:12:40.98
we would go off
into these conversations.
00:12:41.01\00:12:42.30
Or specifically as a counselor.
Sometimes I've said this in
00:12:42.34\00:12:46.46
doing marriage seminars. As
a marriage counselor I say the
00:12:46.49\00:12:50.54
worst thing you can do is try to
be the counselor of your spouse.
00:12:50.58\00:12:53.12
Exactly. You know, giving them
advice. I can imagine how two
00:12:53.15\00:12:57.41
lawyers must be, both of them
practicing law, you know they
00:12:57.44\00:13:01.18
hold their own, they have skills
to argue down to the final
00:13:01.22\00:13:05.28
closing argument. But so you saw
in your relationship that your
00:13:05.31\00:13:09.61
communication was, well if I'm
hearing you carefully, it was
00:13:09.65\00:13:13.58
somewhat condescending to him
to put yourself in the position
00:13:13.61\00:13:17.14
of authority over him, to
give him advice and he's kind of
00:13:17.17\00:13:20.67
saying are you
trying to be my mother?
00:13:20.70\00:13:22.82
Exactly, exactly. But I didn't
know that I was doing that. To
00:13:22.86\00:13:26.66
a woman, a woman doesn't feel
like I'm trying to be the mother
00:13:26.70\00:13:30.18
We just try to think it is a
suggestion. That's how we feel
00:13:30.21\00:13:34.12
about it. If we're talking
to another woman, when I suggest
00:13:34.15\00:13:37.99
something to another woman
if she doesn't like it she just
00:13:38.03\00:13:42.26
says oh well thanks, you know,
whatever and goes by her way.
00:13:42.29\00:13:46.56
But what a man generally feels
is that a suggestion is more
00:13:46.59\00:13:51.21
coming across as a command
and they feel like well you're
00:13:51.24\00:13:55.83
trying to tell me what to do.
And a woman is like no I'm just
00:13:55.86\00:14:00.40
giving you a suggestion. But
what I learned is that a man's
00:14:00.44\00:14:06.49
mind is by God given so that he
wants to do something about what
00:14:06.53\00:14:10.88
we bring to him as a woman and
so we have to be careful about
00:14:10.92\00:14:15.24
that just like Esther. She was
very careful how she approached
00:14:15.27\00:14:18.81
Ahasuerus. She did it the
right way. She didn't just come
00:14:18.85\00:14:23.55
bouncing into the throne room
and begin to tell him all about
00:14:23.58\00:14:27.77
her problems. She did it very
carefully. She fed him twice and
00:14:27.81\00:14:31.69
she give him an opportunity to
ask what is it that you want and
00:14:31.73\00:14:36.68
all of that. So the Lord was
teaching me this for about six
00:14:36.71\00:14:40.94
months but I would do it wrong
every time. He would say well
00:14:40.97\00:14:44.98
you could have said it this way,
you could have said it another
00:14:45.01\00:14:48.99
way. And I'd think oh OK I'll
try to do that next time but
00:14:49.02\00:14:51.91
next time I would do it
wrong again and my husband was
00:14:51.94\00:14:54.76
irritated again. The first time
I did it right was on a Sabbath
00:14:54.80\00:14:59.08
afternoon and he was lying on
the couch and I was sitting in
00:14:59.12\00:15:03.16
my chair and he began to tell
me about some of his problems
00:15:03.20\00:15:07.62
at work. And he was saying
they're telling me (my husband
00:15:07.65\00:15:12.00
is at this time a trucker) and
he was saying they told me lies
00:15:12.04\00:15:15.15
and they said they were going
to pay me this much and they
00:15:15.19\00:15:18.46
didn't really pay me that much
and I think they're just trying
00:15:18.49\00:15:22.65
to steal from me. Well my first
instinct was to say oh honey
00:15:22.69\00:15:26.52
they're probably not. They
just made a mistake maybe. Maybe
00:15:26.55\00:15:30.52
they're not really trying to
steal from you. So this is the
00:15:30.55\00:15:34.60
motheringly role. I'm trying to
calm him down and make him feel
00:15:34.63\00:15:39.52
better. Well in the past that
would make him more angry. It's
00:15:39.56\00:15:43.58
like well how do you know? What
are you trying to tell me? You
00:15:43.61\00:15:47.60
don't know whether
this is the truth or not.
00:15:47.63\00:15:49.26
Well are you on
their side or my side?
00:15:49.29\00:15:51.21
Exactly. Whose side are you
taking here? And I'm like I'm
00:15:51.25\00:15:55.51
not taking anybody's side, I'm
just making a suggestion. No.
00:15:55.54\00:16:01.21
So anyway this time I said Lord
I know I'm going to do it wrong
00:16:01.25\00:16:05.64
because I can't think what to
do. I can't think what to say.
00:16:05.68\00:16:09.97
I want to say all these motherly
things, it's instinct to me.
00:16:10.01\00:16:14.90
So I mumbled something about
well maybe... and he said what'd
00:16:14.93\00:16:19.79
you say? He's hard of
hearing. He said what'd you say?
00:16:19.82\00:16:22.74
Fortunately he's hard of hearing
because it gave me time to pray
00:16:22.78\00:16:28.82
and I prayed and finally I said
to him, Honey it must feel bad
00:16:28.85\00:16:34.47
to think that somebody has lied
to you or stolen from you. And
00:16:34.50\00:16:39.06
all of a sudden there was quiet.
Nothing was said. And all of a
00:16:39.10\00:16:43.04
sudden then he jumped up from
where he was lying on the couch,
00:16:43.07\00:16:47.01
went into the kitchen, pulled in
a chair, got as close to me as
00:16:47.05\00:16:50.30
he could, looked in my face with
tears running down his face.
00:16:50.33\00:16:54.19
He said you are the most
wonderful woman I have ever met.
00:16:54.22\00:16:58.83
And I thought what did I
do? But that was the beginning,
00:16:58.86\00:17:03.40
the beginning of me learning
that I need to talk respectfully
00:17:03.44\00:17:08.48
to my husband. I need to help
him to feel that I understand,
00:17:08.52\00:17:12.22
that I'm not trying to tell
him what to do, that I'm not
00:17:12.26\00:17:15.89
counseling him. I'm listening,
I'm caring, I'm saying positive
00:17:15.93\00:17:20.29
things that encourage and build
him up and make him feel more
00:17:20.32\00:17:24.65
like a man.
00:17:24.68\00:17:25.71
That is such a wonderful, and
I won't use the word concept,
00:17:25.74\00:17:30.55
but approach that I believe and
I'm saying this in the context
00:17:30.58\00:17:35.72
of counseling other people.
Sometimes there are women in
00:17:35.75\00:17:39.30
relationships that are not
necessarily domineering, they're
00:17:39.33\00:17:44.06
necessarily the type A. But
in their multiple suggestions it
00:17:44.10\00:17:48.30
doesn't affirm or even take into
consideration what the husband
00:17:48.33\00:17:53.99
has just said. For example, in
fear of not being supportive but
00:17:54.03\00:18:00.85
wanting to give advice or maybe
a third viewpoint. I think that
00:18:00.88\00:18:07.67
what you did just a moment
ago is you affirmed that he was
00:18:07.70\00:18:10.83
saying to him was legitimate.
To him it was legitimate. That's
00:18:10.87\00:18:14.84
all that matters to me as to how
I'm to respond to him. Not tell
00:18:14.88\00:18:18.82
him what I think he
ought to be thinking.
00:18:18.85\00:18:21.14
Oh, amazing. I will shake your
hand right now. Can I do that?
00:18:21.18\00:18:26.07
Because I recently did a
marriage seminar and I said to
00:18:26.10\00:18:29.97
the couples the think that is
most offensive to male or female
00:18:30.01\00:18:34.53
is if the husband or wife says
to the other one, I know what
00:18:34.57\00:18:39.06
you're thinking. You don't
know what they're thinking.
00:18:39.09\00:18:40.79
No, not at all. Or
sometimes we second guess
00:18:40.82\00:18:43.16
them and after we say something
we say I know exactly what
00:18:43.20\00:18:45.34
you're going to say. No
you don't know exactly what I'm
00:18:45.37\00:18:48.30
going to say. And so you
saw that in action, affirming
00:18:48.34\00:18:51.20
exactly what the Lord was saying
to you. Don't second guess him
00:18:51.24\00:18:55.51
or her. Don't think for
them and I think sometimes the
00:18:55.54\00:18:58.62
husband would say are you
trying to put words in my mouth.
00:18:58.66\00:19:02.30
That's right, they would say
that, and he did say things like
00:19:02.34\00:19:05.95
that and it always was
astounding to me. I never
00:19:05.98\00:19:09.34
thought that what I was doing.
That's why I had to go to the
00:19:09.38\00:19:12.67
Lord and say, Lord I am done. I
don't know what I'm doing wrong.
00:19:12.70\00:19:16.66
I thought I was being nice. I
tried to be nice all the time.
00:19:16.69\00:19:20.20
And I wasn't being nice because
I wasn't speaking his language.
00:19:20.23\00:19:23.71
I was speaking my language
but it wasn't getting anything
00:19:23.74\00:19:28.70
across to him about my love for
him and my understanding of him.
00:19:28.74\00:19:32.68
So now we have wonderful
conversations and I never ever
00:19:32.71\00:19:38.60
say anything negative to my
husband, ever, not one time.
00:19:38.64\00:19:42.93
Praise the Lord. And my husband
has been a totally different
00:19:42.97\00:19:47.83
person now. Before, because
I'm so spiritual, I have had a
00:19:47.87\00:19:52.05
spiritual walk with the Lord and
I'm a spiritual person out in
00:19:52.09\00:19:56.34
public and all that sort of
thing, he didn't take any action
00:19:56.37\00:20:00.39
so far as leadership in the
family to be a spiritual leader.
00:20:00.43\00:20:04.42
And every Christian woman always
says well I want my husband to
00:20:04.46\00:20:08.42
be the priest of the house
and he's not. My husband wasn't
00:20:08.45\00:20:12.70
and I found out that it
was because he felt that I was
00:20:12.74\00:20:16.96
better than him. But
now I uphold him, I give him
00:20:16.99\00:20:22.88
encouragement all the time
about everything that he does
00:20:22.92\00:20:26.17
and he is becoming extremely
spiritual. We talk about God all
00:20:26.21\00:20:30.75
the time. He loves God so
much now, he talks about him. He
00:20:30.79\00:20:35.32
weeps about God. When he's
singing songs his tears are
00:20:35.36\00:20:39.82
coming down on his face because
he's thinking about how much he
00:20:39.86\00:20:43.50
loves God. That has
never happened before.
00:20:43.53\00:20:45.91
Let me ask you this question
because this is fascinating when
00:20:45.95\00:20:48.83
it comes to communicating.
We talk about communicating with
00:20:48.87\00:20:51.68
women. Don't communicate to your
husband what you communicate to
00:20:51.72\00:20:53.85
your girlfriends. No. And
I think the husband would say
00:20:53.88\00:20:56.73
the same thing. Don't talk to
your male friends like you speak
00:20:56.77\00:20:58.86
to your wife. But what I'm
hearing you say is it took a
00:20:58.89\00:21:03.31
number of years for you to come
to this realization. Yes it did.
00:21:03.35\00:21:06.02
But you were willing, you were
willing to be taught by God.
00:21:06.05\00:21:10.05
I felt that if I didn't
understand how to get along with
00:21:10.09\00:21:14.19
my husband that I was not
fulfilling the calling that God
00:21:14.22\00:21:18.15
had given to me to be helping
other people, and I'm not even
00:21:18.19\00:21:22.89
making it myself. So I felt
I can't disappoint God. I can't
00:21:22.93\00:21:27.20
disappoint my husband and my
children because the children,
00:21:27.24\00:21:31.44
even thought my children are in
their 40s, they're looking still
00:21:31.48\00:21:35.49
to mom and dad to see how mom
and dad are getting along. And
00:21:35.52\00:21:39.50
they are ecstatic because
we're having such a wonderful
00:21:39.53\00:21:43.16
relationship and they are
learning, I have two girls and a
00:21:43.19\00:21:46.79
boy, and they're learning
how to do the same kind of
00:21:46.82\00:21:49.92
communication. They can
teach it as well as I can now.
00:21:49.96\00:21:52.99
You know what's nice about
that is that as they are getting
00:21:53.03\00:21:55.38
older, whether they are married
or not you didn't say, but as
00:21:55.41\00:21:57.85
they're getting older they see
what a successful relationship
00:21:57.88\00:22:01.07
is, what a successful marriage
is. I've heard this and I'm sure
00:22:01.11\00:22:04.83
you've heard that people often
say, and my wife and I have been
00:22:04.87\00:22:08.56
married 25 years, and some
people say Ah they probably
00:22:08.59\00:22:10.58
finish each other's sentences.
Somebody once said to me you
00:22:10.62\00:22:13.91
can't teach an old dog new
tricks. OK now I'm saying don't
00:22:13.95\00:22:17.11
call me an old dog, I've just
been married 25 years. But what
00:22:17.15\00:22:21.24
I'm seeing here is that the
willing heart is the place that
00:22:21.28\00:22:25.30
could always learn something new
and that's what you discovered.
00:22:25.34\00:22:30.34
Mm-huh, I certainly did.
And I would tell anybody that it
00:22:30.37\00:22:33.74
doesn't matter how old you are
or how young. This is something
00:22:33.78\00:22:37.47
that we can learn and it is
something we must learn if we
00:22:37.50\00:22:40.95
want to learn how to communicate
the way God does because God is
00:22:40.99\00:22:45.48
not negative. God is positive.
He is a God who wants to
00:22:45.51\00:22:50.60
encourage us all the time and to
help us learn how to relate to
00:22:50.64\00:22:55.25
each other. It's only Satan that
has us speaking meanly to one
00:22:55.28\00:22:59.40
another. It's the work of
the evil one to destroy families
00:22:59.44\00:23:04.46
from the time it in the garden
of Eden with Adam and Eve, from
00:23:04.50\00:23:08.68
the time they broke apart in
their relationship to whatever
00:23:08.72\00:23:14.11
extent. Then we have 6000 years
of this on us on television and
00:23:14.15\00:23:18.97
everything it seems it's OK
to be nasty and snippy with each
00:23:19.01\00:23:23.91
other and to tear each other
down. So there's no model now
00:23:23.95\00:23:28.86
for people unless we Christians
learn how in our own families
00:23:28.89\00:23:33.28
to be good to one another and
then we can pass it on to others
00:23:33.32\00:23:38.04
and I'm able to do that now and
see marriages turn around and
00:23:38.07\00:23:42.85
put back together that were
broken marriages. So it's a time
00:23:42.89\00:23:48.37
of repair and healing I believe
just like it says in Malachi 4
00:23:48.40\00:23:52.70
that the end time God is going
to rise with healing in his
00:23:52.74\00:23:57.01
wings. That's
right. And then he's
00:23:57.04\00:23:59.11
going to turn the hearts of the
fathers to the children and the
00:23:59.15\00:24:01.77
hearts of the children
to the fathers. There's a
00:24:01.80\00:24:03.80
reconciliation that's
going to be taking place.
00:24:03.84\00:24:05.77
Absolutely and our family
is where it should start, right
00:24:05.81\00:24:11.83
there in the family. One time
an older woman asked me, her
00:24:11.87\00:24:16.96
husband was deceased at that
time, and she asked me do you
00:24:17.00\00:24:22.02
think that if I had had the kind
of communication and treatment
00:24:22.06\00:24:27.68
of my husband that you do to
your husband now, do you think
00:24:27.71\00:24:33.30
that my husband could have
escaped being mentally ill?
00:24:33.33\00:24:38.26
I knew the couple and I said,
I believe that that could have
00:24:38.30\00:24:43.62
been true because we drive each
other to the pain that causes
00:24:43.66\00:24:48.78
mental illness, not feeling
loved, not feeling accepted, not
00:24:48.81\00:24:54.85
feeling known or that anybody
out there is understanding us.
00:24:54.89\00:24:59.74
If it should be anywhere it
should be in the family where we
00:24:59.78\00:25:04.60
do this for one another.
00:25:04.63\00:25:06.05
So the internal combustion
or frustration of lack of
00:25:06.09\00:25:09.90
communication of feeling
misunderstood or not accepted
00:25:09.94\00:25:14.07
we're like a bottle of soda
that's been shaken, shaken and
00:25:14.11\00:25:18.09
shaken and there's nowhere to
release that fizz so to speak of
00:25:18.13\00:25:22.69
frustration. So we internally
combust which sometimes means
00:25:22.72\00:25:27.25
mental illness. It can
mean mental illness, yes.
00:25:27.28\00:25:29.02
Because a person has nowhere
else to go and the mind breaks
00:25:29.06\00:25:32.74
down under the pressure.
00:25:32.77\00:25:34.66
So now today if somebody
looking at this program would
00:25:34.70\00:25:39.93
say Carol are you telling me
that it's still not too late for
00:25:39.97\00:25:42.55
me to learn how to communicate
with my wife or with my husband
00:25:42.59\00:25:45.14
what are you saying to them?
00:25:45.18\00:25:46.71
I would say it doesn't matter
what age you are, it doesn't
00:25:46.74\00:25:50.49
matter what your experience has
been in the past, God can heal
00:25:50.52\00:25:54.41
that but there are steps to
it. Some people say well all you
00:25:54.45\00:25:58.67
have to do is just pray.
Well yes we do have to pray, but
00:25:58.70\00:26:02.85
there's some intelligent ways of
learning that help God to help
00:26:02.89\00:26:07.47
us that we know how to do it.
It's just like saying all I have
00:26:07.50\00:26:12.05
to do if I'm sick is just
pray. Well that can work and
00:26:12.08\00:26:15.67
sometimes healing does take
place that way. But God also
00:26:15.70\00:26:19.42
expects us to understand the
laws of the mind, the laws of
00:26:19.45\00:26:23.72
the body and to cooperate with
those laws. Then healing can
00:26:23.75\00:26:27.73
take place. We're in a wonderful
time in history where God is
00:26:27.76\00:26:31.63
allowing much light to come
to our generation that was never
00:26:31.66\00:26:35.50
understood by
any other generation.
00:26:35.53\00:26:38.10
I'm so encouraged because my
wife and I just hit the 25-year
00:26:38.14\00:26:40.62
mark and you said you and your
husband are at 50 years. I'm
00:26:40.66\00:26:43.06
encouraged to know that it
could get better. I mean we have
00:26:43.10\00:26:45.47
a fantastic relationship
but it could better.
00:26:45.50\00:26:49.86
Yes because God is infinite and
his ways are past finding out
00:26:49.90\00:26:53.88
and he wants nothing but
joy for us. I want to encourage
00:26:53.91\00:27:00.08
anybody to look more into this
because this is just a drop in
00:27:00.12\00:27:03.95
the bucket because there is
so much more to learn. I'm sure
00:27:03.98\00:27:07.56
that you find that in what you
do and I find it in what I do
00:27:07.60\00:27:10.81
that there's more to learn and
we can help on another toward
00:27:10.85\00:27:14.03
the kingdom with
our families intact.
00:27:14.06\00:27:15.99
I know that people watching
and listening to the program are
00:27:16.03\00:27:19.38
saying this is eye opening to
me because I thought that I had
00:27:19.41\00:27:22.73
all the angles covered,
I thought that I had great
00:27:22.76\00:27:24.81
communication. After all I love
him, he loves me, but gentlemen
00:27:24.85\00:27:29.40
husband or wife, if you're
watching the program today or
00:27:29.43\00:27:32.43
young person planning to get
married, do what Carol did. Say
00:27:32.46\00:27:35.71
Lord teach me, guide me, and
help me to understand the way
00:27:35.75\00:27:38.93
to be better than I have been to
this point. And as we say here
00:27:38.97\00:27:42.92
at 3ABN you know the Lord has
something for you to do. You can
00:27:42.96\00:27:46.88
begin today and so friends,
whatever the issue, don't
00:27:46.91\00:27:49.96
forget that God has the answer.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
00:27:49.99\00:27:54.98