Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000352
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00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
00:31 and welcome again to "Issues and Answers". 00:33 We've got I believe a great program for you today, 00:36 because you are going to be looking 00:38 at the full spectrum of faithfulness, 00:41 faithfulness in ways that you've never thought about. 00:44 You know, the Bible tells us that the fruit of the Spirit 00:47 is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, 00:51 goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. 00:56 As Christians we need to be faithful. 00:58 And it's not only our relationship 01:01 between us and God, the faithfulness to God 01:04 but its also when the Lord puts us together 01:07 as husband and wife in a marriage 01:09 we need to learn to be faithful 01:11 as husband or wife and faithful as a parent. 01:15 So we have a very exciting guest returning today 01:18 to discuss this matter with us and that is Dr. Douglas Weiss. 01:23 Dr. Doug, so good to have you back in here. 01:25 Thus feeling glad, Shelley. 01:26 And your book, The 7 Love Agreements, 01:29 you call this decisions, 01:30 the byline on this was Decisions 01:32 You Can Make on Your Own to Strengthen Your Marriage. 01:36 And you talk about experiencing the power of faithfulness 01:40 and that's what we're going to talk about today. 01:42 But for those who may not know you. Sure. 01:46 Let's just kind of give them a little brief resume. 01:48 You are married to a beautiful Lisa. 01:50 22 years. 01:51 22 years to Lisa have two children, age 14 and-- 01:55 12. 12. 01:56 And your counseling center is in Colorado Springs. 02:00 Tell us a little about that. 02:01 Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, 02:02 we have a team of counselors there, they're all Christians. 02:05 And we do telephone counseling. 02:06 We do three day intense for marriages, 02:08 we do a lot with addiction and recovery issues, 02:11 men's issues, all that kind of stuff. 02:13 And of your 20 books, 02:15 a lot of those are on addiction and recovery, are they not? 02:17 Absolutely. 02:18 So that's kind of a-- and marriage. 02:19 That's an edge. Sure. 02:20 That's an edge for both-- 02:21 We've written three marriage books. 02:22 Three marriage books. 02:23 Now let's talk about, 02:24 I love when you're talking about 02:27 experiencing the power of faithfulness. 02:30 Let's-- you've identified a number of different categories, 02:34 let's begin with spiritual faithfulness. Sure. 02:36 And we know that faithfulness is the heart of God. 02:39 We know that's His heart. 02:40 So to be faithful is simply following His heart. 02:45 You know, we love that He's faithful. 02:47 Don't we love that when we call upon 02:48 name of Lord and He's there? Amen. 02:49 We love that when we need 02:50 patience or forgiveness He's there. 02:52 We love that He is just faithful. Amen. 02:56 Even when we are not faithful, 02:58 the scripture says, "He is faithful." 03:01 And that studies us. 03:03 What I love is the fact that Philippians 2:13, 03:07 he says that that God works in us to will 03:11 and to act according to His good purpose. 03:13 So faithfulness is part of His purpose 03:15 and as we looked the fruit of the Spirit, 03:18 the power of the indwelling Spirit 03:20 living in us will give us that ability to be faithful. 03:25 Now faithfulness though when you talk about the fruit of Spirit, 03:28 the fruits are for other people to taste not you. 03:32 The fruits are for you to produce 03:33 so that other people can eat. That's good. 03:36 So when I'm faithful, 03:37 it produces the fruit that gives you nourishment. 03:40 Amen. 03:41 You know what I'm saying? All right. 03:43 So fruits aren't for me, they're for you. 03:45 That's good. 03:46 I have to be faithful but the Spirit gives me 03:47 the ability to be faithful 03:49 so that you can taste the Godness of that. 03:53 Taste and see how good the Lord is. 03:54 You know what I'm saying? Yes. 03:55 And so let's talk about-- 03:56 when you're talking about faithfulness, 03:57 spiritual faithfulness so many Christian couples 04:00 do not pray together. 04:01 Oh, oh. 04:03 It's astounding. That is. 04:04 I mean there's this studies on that are astounding. 04:07 Even pastors who don't pray with their spouses. 04:10 It is a sad thing 04:14 that there is such spiritual unfaithfulness in marriage. 04:17 That's-- You know what I'm saying? 04:19 Adam and Eve walk with God. 04:20 Okay, as a married couple we need to walk with God together. 04:25 That doesn't mean you have to have 04:26 some kind of 80 minute devotion everyday 04:29 but probably should be that you pray together at least 04:31 or do some worship together. 04:33 And worship is different than prayer. 04:34 Worshiping together would be good. 04:36 Reading would be okay, it'd be very good idea 04:38 but somehow spiritually feeding each other on a faithful basis 04:41 which means most days. Amen. 04:44 Not legalistic, you know if you don't do it, 04:45 you know, you're gonna be you're a worse than Christian. 04:48 But if you're not doing it all together that's unfaithfulness. 04:52 You know, it's amazing I always ask people 04:55 when they're dating, are you-- 04:58 you know if you're getting serious-- 04:59 are you praying together as you're dating? 05:01 I tell them pray in public. 05:02 Yeah, so don't get to into it, yeah. 05:04 Pray in public. That's good. That's good. 05:06 But they should have or praying over the phone-- 05:08 Build that foundation. 05:09 If you are not building that foundation 05:11 where you're comfortable to pray with one another 05:13 then when you get married it doesn't change. 05:16 I tell-- I tell ladies, 05:17 listen if he's not praying with you while he is dating, 05:19 stop dating with him. Amen. 05:20 Because he's not gonna pray for-- 05:22 he's not gonna pray with you during marriage, 05:23 he's not gonna pray with your kids 05:24 when they want to go to bed, 05:25 he's not gonna pray for your grandchildren. 05:26 So you've affected two other generations 05:29 by the man being spiritually unfaithful during dating. 05:31 That's good. 05:33 You know what I'm saying? Right. 05:34 So-- but this does happen. 05:36 Spiritual faithfulness is really important 05:38 because it's the foundation of our faith to be faithful. 05:41 You know, to be faithful to God 05:43 and to be faithful to each other to God. 05:44 So would you also include spiritual faithfulness 05:47 than attending to church? 05:49 Going to church, 05:50 having a fellowship of believers surrounding you, absolutely. 05:53 That be all part of faithfulness. 05:55 We're not going to church. 05:56 So we love praying together. We love connecting together. 05:58 I love learning from Lisa, she likes learning from me. 06:00 Right. 06:01 Best part of our DNA is spiritual faithfulness. 06:04 Even if we're on vocation we will find the church there 06:07 and go to church there. 06:08 You know what I'm saying. 06:09 That's not religion, that's just-- 06:11 We want to be faithful to him, who is faithful to us. 06:14 You know, when you mention DNA, 06:17 I have to share what the Lord gave me 06:18 when my new book comes talking about 06:21 spiritual DNA, we all have it. 06:23 It's either the devil's nature acquired 06:26 or the divine nature acquired. 06:28 Oh, it's good. 06:29 So when we've got-- 06:31 And one thing that I always point out 06:33 to people is what Peter Paul 06:35 when he said that God gives us 06:37 everything we need for good life and godliness 06:40 and that he's giving us 06:42 His exceedingly great and precious promises 06:44 through which we partake of that divine nature. 06:47 Absolutely. 06:48 So part of that spiritual faithfulness 06:50 is being in the Bible together. 06:52 Know what the word of God says 06:54 and appreciating one another for who we are in Christ. 06:57 And when you're going through several areas of faithfulness 06:59 so you might want to, you know, 07:00 if you're at home check off your box, 07:01 we're spiritually faithful or we're not 07:03 because by the time we're done there might be an area 07:05 that you need to work on 07:06 so that you and your spouse got a better marriage. 07:08 So the second thing 07:10 that you mentioned was emotional faithful. 07:12 Emotional faithfulness, there's two parts thought. 07:14 One is being consistent about sharing your heart. 07:17 You know, we talk about on some of the shows we done before 07:19 sharing feelings, knowing how to do that, 07:21 the book tells us how to do that. 07:23 Walking through, here's my heart was today 07:25 and doing that most days, doing that consistently. 07:30 Now the other part of emotional faithfulness is 07:32 not doing that with other people 07:35 that you don't do with your spouse. 07:37 Oh, boy, you brought up a good point. 07:39 It is emotionally unfaithful for you to have, 07:41 you know, just your friends who you share your heart with 07:43 but you don't share your heart with your spouse. 07:45 Whether your male or female this is dangerous, you know. 07:48 And this-- this would-- 07:49 Especially cross gender. 07:50 If you're sharing your heart with, 07:52 you are a man sharing it with the woman at work, 07:53 that's unfaithfulness emotionally. 07:56 If the woman is sharing her heart with a man at the gym 07:59 that would be unfaithfulness emotionally. 08:01 We want to be emotionally faithful 08:03 and as being consistently sharing a heart with spouse. 08:05 That's good. 08:07 We hear stories a lot, being on television, 08:11 you know, you get a lot of calls 08:13 that where somebody has developed, 08:15 just going into a chat room 08:17 and developed some kind of 08:19 an online relationship in just a chat. 08:21 Unfaithfulness. Okay. 08:23 I'm glad that you just-- It's unfaithfulness. 08:25 There's no question about it that's emotional unfaithfulness. 08:28 I'm not married then why should be sharing my heart with him. 08:30 Or if somebody has developed a, 08:32 you know, I tell people if you've got a prayer partner, 08:36 you know, it's not good. 08:37 If you're married person, 08:39 you're not supposed to have cross-gender prayer partner 08:41 because you end up sharing your heart with him, 08:43 maybe when you're not sharing at home. 08:44 And that should become emotional faithfulness. 08:46 And what some people do as they do they pour their heart 08:48 to other people than they have nothing for their spouse. 08:50 That's good. That's unfaithfulness. 08:51 Okay. Okay. 08:52 Now this is one that some people don't even think about 08:57 but I love that you point it out, 08:58 parental faithfulness. 09:00 Parental faithfulness is really important issue 09:02 especially as Christians 09:03 because it took both of us to make our child. 09:04 It's gonna take both of us to see the child through. 09:07 Amen. Okay. 09:08 The child needs a masculine voice and a feminine voice 09:13 so it gets the voice of God. 09:14 That's good. Okay. 09:16 And men need to pick up the kids after school, 09:18 men need to, you know do homework, 09:19 they need to do the things with the kids, 09:21 they need to play with them. 09:22 Women need to do what they need to do with the children. 09:23 And we both need to do, this is a team. 09:25 Parenting is not a single sport unless crisis through death, 09:31 there's other things that can happen. 09:33 But the ideal situation is where both people 09:35 are playing the team with the kids 09:37 because once more like one adult with the other adult, 09:40 you understand them better. 09:41 One has different needs, one's motivated differently 09:44 and you need to get in there and team play this. 09:46 You know sometimes these will get exasperated 09:49 and with the child and they say, okay, 09:51 let's come up with some ideas 09:52 and one of the ideas is a good idea. 09:54 And she says, oh, that's a good one, 09:56 I'll try that one because she is out of ideas, you know. 09:58 And she has insight with the kids, I never have. 10:02 She just sees it and I'm like, wow, 10:04 that is really a gift you have, 10:05 that's a gift 'cause I would have never seen that. 10:07 Seems like a lot of mothers have that, yes. 10:09 Yeah. But dads do too. 10:11 Dads know when to see them work. 10:13 It's time to call my son out, 10:15 it's time to call my daughter out. 10:17 I want you to stretch harder than you've ever stretched, 10:20 pushed harder than you've done, 10:21 playing harder than you've ever done. 10:22 I want to be right next to you, 10:24 I'm gonna show you to push harder. 10:25 And mom is like, oh no. 10:27 You know, but children need both ways. 10:30 They need the parentless, faithfulness and both. 10:33 Otherwise it gives them a lopsided. 10:35 So parental faithfulness is really important. 10:38 All right. 10:39 Dr. Doug, speak for just a moment 10:40 to the parent the single parent. 10:45 Maybe it's the wife whose husband, 10:47 ex-husband is not remaining parentally faithful. 10:52 Sure. 10:53 They are involved with the children. 10:54 What do they do? 10:55 Well, there I mean, that's where you know, 10:57 being in a body believers is really important. 10:59 You know what I'm saying. 11:00 There are other young, young guys 11:02 who can help this young man or young lady 11:04 or young ladies who can help the young lady. 11:06 You have youth groups, you have youth pastors, 11:08 that's what they are for it's to help in that situations. 11:10 Okay. And there is also-- 11:12 I could connect to another family 11:14 that seems like they're pretty intact 11:15 and hang out with them, a little bit. 11:17 So that they can see how that looks like. 11:21 You know what I'm saying. 11:22 You can't be the man to them 11:23 but you can put them around some godly men they go. 11:25 Oh, that's what that looks like. 11:27 That's good. You know what I'm saying. 11:28 And let some godly men take them 11:30 and do stuff with them as well, it's okay. 11:32 That's wonderful. All right. 11:33 Let's talk about the one we think of most often 11:37 and that is physical faithfulness. 11:38 Yeah. Physical and moral faithfulness is really critical. 11:41 Now what you want to talk about here 11:42 is setting up your boundaries so that you can stay that way. 11:46 Here are some of the guidelines here. 11:48 Never talk negative with your spouse 11:50 with someone of the cross gender. 11:52 Say that again. 11:53 Don't complain about your spouse to someone of the cross gender. 11:56 So if I'm a guy I don't talk to woman about my spouse. 12:00 Now for sure they want to complain about okay, 12:02 but if someone did if you have something 12:04 to complain about talk to the other guy, 12:05 say, totally get what you're talking about. 12:06 Okay. You know what I'm saying. 12:07 And then I gonna feel sorry for it, 12:08 you can say now wait a minute. 12:10 Your life is match you just spent 500 bucks you didn't have. 12:12 Well, you're a moron that's your problem. 12:17 You know, they will catch you on that. 12:18 Okay, a guy will correct you. 12:21 A woman will give you sympathy 12:22 and that sympathy can be misunderstood 12:24 and become a very kind of romanticize kind of thing. 12:27 You know this is something that we teach young pastors as well 12:31 as that when you are counseling with a woman 12:36 if you're a cross gender to have your spouse with you. 12:41 Because what happens often and this--a woman if-- 12:44 let's say a man and woman. 12:46 A woman got a problem, she takes it to a man, a Christian man. 12:49 And this case we're saying it's the pastor. 12:51 Sure. It may not be the pastor. 12:53 What happens is the Christian man 12:55 is being so understanding, 12:57 he's listening and he's counseling her. 12:59 Enjoying, he has the story. 13:01 He is only getting after story so is she. 13:03 You know, maybe she is saying my husband never listens to me. 13:06 And here is this man who's just being so attentive. 13:09 She sees the Jesus in him and she transfers those feelings. 13:14 Now it could be that that pastor goes home 13:17 and doesn't listen to his wife either. 13:18 But she doesn't know that. 13:20 Hence that is the demise of many relationships, isn't it? 13:23 Okay. Yeah. 13:25 So having really clear boundaries 13:26 with your communication about your spouse, 13:28 you know, that's really important there. 13:32 And having a genuine commitment to faithfulness, 13:36 you know, knowing that that is a place you can't go. 13:39 And other thing is that 13:40 if your man having accountability is critical 13:42 because they are situations in work or travel 13:44 or situations where you know you get pinked by something. 13:47 If you call on other guy 13:49 say listen, I'm in a situation you know the TV is in the room, 13:52 I'm not gonna turn the pornography 13:53 but you never thought about that. 13:54 That's faithfulness. Amen. 13:57 That's me protecting my family. 13:59 But you're being accountable 14:01 because pornography is physical unfaithfulness. 14:04 It's physical, emotional-- 14:06 You know, it brings you down that road for sure. 14:08 And we do a lot of people who are struck with pornography, 14:10 you know, and the practice, okay. 14:11 All right. And so that's a big issue. 14:13 So having some clear boundaries 14:14 is a good part of just being morally faithful. 14:19 Let me ask you a question, 14:20 I haven't know which category 14:21 you would put this particular problem in 14:24 but I hear, I speak with the lot of woman 14:27 who will tell me that my husband 14:30 wants to fantasize or play games you have, 14:34 have these little stories and play games 14:37 and think of me with somebody else when we're being intimate. 14:40 Would you agree that's unfaithfulness? 14:42 Yeah. I would say that's really unwise 14:44 and it can lead to unfaithfulness. 14:45 And we've got several books on that subject 14:49 on man in recovery and stuff like that. 14:51 We're not here to do that today 14:52 but that can definitely be a problem. 14:54 So yeah, have total boundaries around any bad stuff. 14:56 Because the better physical relationship 14:58 is eyes open looking and nurturing each other. 15:00 Okay, that's God's will. 15:02 Okay, and then we have-- 15:03 Okay. Now you've got to the-- 15:07 Financial. Financial faith. 15:09 Financial faithfulness. 15:10 Yeah, now that's a tricky one 15:12 because lot of us sometimes we do our thing financially. 15:14 You know, we want to buy the shoes or suit, 15:17 other things and toys and stuff like that 15:19 without necessary looking at the long term. 15:21 Here are some very critical things, number one, tithing. 15:24 Amen. 15:25 Now I'm a counselor, I'm a psychologist, okay. 15:28 Now in 20 years of counseling people 15:30 we have severe financial problems. 15:33 I've asked each one of them do you tithe? 15:35 And every one of them told me no without exception. 15:39 I actually-- 15:40 So that tells me if you have financial problems don't tithe. 15:42 Right. Okay. 15:43 So tithing is number one, you have to be an agreement on that, 15:45 if you're not, you are not you are in trouble. 15:47 Okay, that's that is faithfulness financially. 15:49 And then having long term plans for retirement, 15:51 collage, cars and weddings. 15:53 Those are all gonna happen if you had a child the week 15:57 my daughter was born we started her collage account. 15:59 Okay. 16:00 Because I'm responsible and Lisa responsible 16:03 to make sure that her asset gets there 16:05 and she will get there to collage, okay. 16:06 So being financial responsible has the long term planning, 16:10 investing, retirement, tithing, and all that kind of stuff. 16:13 And then also financial faithfulness is the old budget 16:17 that we all don't like to have, okay. 16:19 But having some kind of-- 16:20 isn't that this sort of all written down or anything 16:22 and that is helpful though. 16:24 So that you kind of know what you're spending, 16:26 to keep in track of that that's financial faithfulness. 16:29 Another trick in financial faithfulness is having a number. 16:32 And neither one of you will spend 16:35 without consulting the other person. 16:38 Nobody likes looking at credit card to go, oh my, what is that? 16:42 You know what I'm saying. And so no surprises. 16:45 If it's over X amount 16:47 probably have a number you can agree with 16:48 and then that would be faithful to call your spouses. 16:52 Hey, listen, hey, I thought about doing this, 16:54 I'm here its on sale, I wanted to just let you know. 16:56 So there is some kind of respect financial back to you. 16:59 Absolutely. 17:00 Now if you have a financial goals and financial plans, 17:04 a form of financial unfaithfulness would be, 17:07 let's say that you've agreed that you're going to be 17:10 putting all the extra income that 17:13 or all the non-budgeted income 17:16 that you have this year to reduce your mortgage 17:18 or let's say to half your credit debts. 17:22 And you've agreed that we're going to hold off 17:24 all it's erroneous type of spending. 17:29 Then you go out and you've got this agreement with each other 17:32 and there is some sale and you blow $500 17:35 because everything was on sale. 17:37 That's financial unfaithfulness. 17:39 And that person had to take everything back. 17:41 There you go. That's good. Yeah. 17:43 Because that's unfaithfulness, okay. 17:44 Like me and Lisa at the end of every year, 17:46 Lisa and I sit down and go through all of our systems, 17:48 financial, spiritual, our physical relationship, 17:51 our friends, kids, business, all the systems there. 17:55 And we go through and make agreements all the way through. 17:57 So one year we made an agreement 17:58 that we work on have any large purchases 18:01 we're gonna actually pay off our house, okay. 18:03 And so we were able to do that but during that year 18:07 that's real good year for cars 18:08 and I didn't buy like four cars that year 18:11 'cause all I was really wanting to 18:13 but we made an agreement that I wouldn't. 18:16 That we would not acquire any new debt 18:17 until the house was paid for. 18:18 That's good. You see what I'm saying. 18:20 And so see in our marriage the government is stronger than me. 18:24 And you know what I like is the fact 18:26 that you do at the new years you do this every year. 18:30 You sit down and you make a plan 18:32 because that old saying, if you plan to fail you'll-- 18:35 Definitely, you'll succeed. 18:36 Yeah. That's what I meant. 18:37 If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. 18:39 Right, right, right. Exactly. 18:41 It's really good because I think there's a lot of people 18:43 who just go through life 18:45 and things happen as they come at them 18:48 and then they wake up-- 18:50 They react instead of act. 18:51 They wake up when they're 60 years old 18:53 and realize retirement is coming soon and they have nothing. 18:55 Had a couple in my office last week who were 55 years old 18:58 and almost nothing in retirement. 18:59 What are you thinking? 19:00 Yeah. I mean, come on. 19:02 You've got, you don't even have enough time to figure this out 19:05 because for every thousand dollars a month 19:07 you want to live on 19:08 you need about a hundred thousand dollars in retirement. 19:10 Wow. Okay. 19:11 People don't realize that. 19:13 Okay, so they think they got this little $50,000 19:15 they think it's a lot and the last there's nothing, okay. 19:18 And you can't live off your primary 19:20 and you live off the return from your investment, okay. 19:24 And so the soon you sit down with your financial planner 19:27 whether you're 20 or 30 that's the best time to do it. 19:29 You're 40, okay, you can work hard. 19:32 At 50, you can bring thousands of dollars a month 19:34 into a retirement vehicle on top of your mortgage, 19:37 car payment systems. 19:38 You see what I'm saying. 19:39 So it's as soon as possible you get that plan in place. 19:42 You know it's something simple 19:44 that if you can't afford to go to a financial advisor 19:46 when you've early married. 19:47 Very simple rule is first 10% return to God. 19:52 Second 10% put into a savings account 19:55 or some source of saving vehicle. 19:58 Learn to live off the 80%. Absolutely. 20:00 And most of us do it just the reverse, 20:03 instead of putting that 20% returning 10 to God 20:06 and putting 10 away and living on the 80. 20:09 Most people live on 120% of their income. 20:12 They are out there maxing out their credit cards. 20:15 And that creates debts, that creates problems, 20:17 that creates future bankruptcy. 20:19 And what happens is you're living on your wealth 20:21 and you don't do that. 20:22 You want to create wealth in your presence 20:23 so you have wealth in your future 20:25 so that your children and grandchildren 20:26 have lot in their futures. Amen. 20:27 And the Bible is clear about that. 20:29 It's not about us. That's right. 20:31 A good man lives in inheritance. 20:32 I take western cultures that are worse 20:34 than this in some other cultures. 20:35 But any culture you are at 20:37 and if you start saving earlier the better. 20:39 That's financial faithfulness to God, 20:41 to your spouse and to your future family. 20:43 Amen. 20:44 Okay, you also talked about faithfulness with friends. 20:47 Yes. It's good to have friends. 20:49 You know, marriage is-- it's an enterprise, okay. 20:52 It's just like you know, taking on a business 20:53 or taking on some big project. 20:55 It's an enterprise as if you know, many decade enterprise. 20:59 And it's good to have friends in your life that you can talk to, 21:03 that you can hang with and you can have your type of fun with. 21:05 You know my wife doesn't want to jump out on planes, 21:07 she doesn't want to do, 21:09 you know, risky things like that 21:10 'cause she has intelligence 21:11 that you know is greater than her risk factor. 21:14 My risk factor is higher than some intelligence. 21:16 Okay, so I sometimes I need to go hang with some guys 21:19 who want to go do something really kind of fun, for me, 21:22 okay, that won't be fun for her, all right. 21:24 And so having friends you can play with, 21:27 having friends you can say, you know what, 21:28 this is kind of rough, it's rough day, 21:31 you know and they can say, 21:33 yeah, it's a rough day but you got a big God. 21:35 And they can realign you, 21:37 see, I have this theory, men make men. 21:40 Okay. 21:41 And it's a good thing to share your heart with your wife 21:43 or sometimes, you see talk to guy so I guy say, 21:46 you know what, you're better than that, stop whining, 21:48 get back on the beam and I'll perform the other guy. 21:51 Okay. You see what I'm saying. 21:53 Now when a man tells you that, 21:54 boy, you straight line up and you just can't-- 21:56 you can't fuss with them because he's probably right, okay. 22:00 And it's also important, Shelley, 22:02 for ladies to have a place to go and do their chattering, okay, 22:07 about the things in their life. 22:09 Their kids, those creatures called men, you know. 22:12 Don't understand these things. 22:14 All that kind of stuff 22:15 and not, but also to share insights on 22:18 how they're doing things well 22:19 and to encourage one another 22:20 and you know when one's down and pick the other one up. 22:22 We all need friends whether we're male or female 22:25 to have some place to kind of be supportive, 22:28 sometimes maybe complaining a little bit 22:30 but in a safe way that some one can say you know what, 22:32 I know you really in love, you're just kind of fussing. 22:36 So you just said something in a safe place, 22:38 we're talking about faithfulness among friends. 22:41 Now what would be considered unfaithfulness? 22:44 For example, if a man has, 22:47 a married man has a male friend who is single and unchristian, 22:52 and the other is Christian and married, 22:54 for them to be hanging around a lot together? 22:57 Yeah, that'd be, you know, you got to talk about 22:59 Christian about being unequally you know, in any relationship. 23:01 Okay, good one. 23:04 And your friends should be 23:06 having the same value systems you have. 23:07 They should definitely be Christians 23:09 because they might have the word of the Lord for you that day. 23:12 Right. 23:13 It's hard to get the word of Lord from a non-Christian. 23:15 Right. You see what I'm saying. 23:17 And another good thing is to have some friends 23:19 that are a little further along in life 23:22 or little further along in areas of life, 23:25 so that you can learn from them. 23:26 That's good. 23:27 It's always good to have at least one friend 23:28 that's least you know, 15 years older than you. 23:30 And they serve men in a mentor role, really. 23:33 Sure, just as an example, or just to have that insight 23:36 'cause you know the older I get, 23:38 it seems that I'm able to be more reflective 23:41 in my thinking and not so rigid. 23:44 And I think if I had somebody 23:46 who's 15 more years older than me, 23:47 they seemed that is not a big deal, trust me. 23:51 You know you've got a few more years with your children, 23:53 you're gonna be living life with your wife in a great way, 23:56 just move through these next years 23:58 no matter what happens 'cause its gonna get so good. 24:01 I remember when-- you know what I'm saying, 24:02 and they can give you that reflective kind of thing, 24:05 that you know a 20 year old friend can't give to me. 24:08 But now as far as friends and the faithfulness in friends, 24:12 what do you think are the greatest attributes to-- 24:19 I don't know what the question is-- 24:20 Yeah, I think you're asking me 24:21 like what's really important there? 24:22 What's important is that those friends support your marriage. 24:25 And if you start trashing your spouse, 24:27 they correct you a little bit. 24:28 All right. You see what I'm saying. 24:29 Okay, it's okay to whine a little bit, that, 24:31 you know, kind of this but they should kind of like cause this 24:34 or what's your part in this 24:35 or how can you bring this back together. 24:39 You know friends that are encouraging you 24:40 to be moving away from each other, 24:42 not that kind of friends you need. 24:44 And, Doug, what happens 24:45 when we've gone through these areas of faithfulness, 24:48 but what happens in a marriage when things get upside then-- 24:52 Sure, sure, sure. 24:53 How do you correct it? 24:55 Well, don't try to take them all on at one time. 24:57 Okay. 24:58 You know, that's definitely the promise of love agreement. 25:00 You should take one thing one at a time. 25:02 So you say okay, we're gonna take on financial faithfulness 25:05 or parental faithfulness or spiritual faithfulness, 25:07 take on one. Let's do that. 25:09 And then work on that one for about 30 to 60 days, 25:12 set goals for yourself, there's actually goals in the book, 25:15 you write those down. 25:16 So maybe you work on spiritual faithfulness, 25:17 the only thing you want to do 25:18 is pray most days every day for two months. 25:21 Okay, that's great, that's all you're gonna do. 25:24 Maybe financial you can say, you know what, 25:25 we're gonna make it upon financial accounts 25:27 or we're gonna put 10% away 25:28 or in two months we're gonna do that, 25:30 we're gonna keep doing that 25:31 and get that thing kind of moving along, 25:33 okay, then take on, 25:35 you know what, the parental thing. 25:36 I really should pick up the kids twice a week. 25:38 It's not fair that you get talk to them after school every day. 25:42 Do you know what I'm saying? 25:43 Or I can take them to school at least twice a day 25:45 so I have that family time or whatever. 25:46 So we have to work on one at a time 25:49 because you know life is a big thing, Shelley. 25:52 Amen. 25:53 It's a big thing, you know, 25:54 and you're not gonna become great at everything all at once 25:57 but you can become better at the small thing consistently 26:02 and then you can take on another one. 26:04 I like that, I like that so the book 26:06 is the 7 Love Agreements by Dr. Douglas Weiss 26:09 and I believe there's great power in, 26:13 as we learn to trust one another, 26:17 as we grow more faithful in our relationship to the Lord 26:21 and our relationship with each other, 26:23 it releases God's power within us and our power as a couple. 26:28 All it allows you to trust one another. 26:30 If I know that you're gonna be faithful, 26:33 I can trust you. Amen. 26:34 I never worried about my wife being morally unfaithful, 26:36 I never really worried but being financially, 26:38 actually all these things, 26:39 she's pretty good, she's actually pretty, 26:41 you know, wonderful. 26:43 Yeah. Okay. 26:44 So I can go do things like this, 26:47 leave my home for a day or so, and come back 26:50 and everything's gonna be relatively still in order 26:53 and that trust is because of her faithfulness. 26:56 And it's her consistency of faithfulness. 26:59 If she was faithful one month 27:01 and maybe she was there financially faithful one month 27:03 and she wasn't the next, 27:05 there is no trust in consistency and so it's good. 27:09 Dr. Doug, thank you so much for returning again today. 27:12 We always enjoy when you're here. 27:14 Well, thank you. 27:15 And the 7 Love Agreements are something I believe 27:17 that every couple needs to be making. 27:20 Thank you so much. 27:22 For those of you at home, we pray that God is showing you 27:26 some things you may not have considered before. 27:29 And that as you're learning these, 27:31 that these will be something 27:32 that you will want to put into practice 27:35 because we believe that they're very important 27:37 to having a fulfilling relationship, 27:40 not only with the Lord but with your spouse. 27:42 Now may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, 27:45 the love of the Father 27:46 and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit 27:49 be with you and your family today and always. 27:53 Bye, bye. |
Revised 2014-12-17