Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
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and welcome again to
"Issues and Answers".
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We've got I believe a
great program for you today,
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because you are
going to be looking
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at the full
spectrum of faithfulness,
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faithfulness in ways that
you've never thought about.
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You know, the Bible tells
us that the fruit of the Spirit
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is love, joy,
peace, patience, kindness,
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goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self-control.
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As Christians we
need to be faithful.
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And it's not
only our relationship
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between us and God,
the faithfulness to God
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but its also when
the Lord puts us together
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as husband and
wife in a marriage
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we need to learn to be faithful
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as husband or wife
and faithful as a parent.
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So we have a very
exciting guest returning today
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to discuss this matter with us
and that is Dr. Douglas Weiss.
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Dr. Doug, so good to
have you back in here.
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Thus feeling glad, Shelley.
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And your book,
The 7 Love Agreements,
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you call this decisions,
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the byline on this was Decisions
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You Can Make on Your Own
to Strengthen Your Marriage.
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And you talk about experiencing
the power of faithfulness
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and that's what we're
going to talk about today.
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But for those who
may not know you. Sure.
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Let's just kind of give
them a little brief resume.
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You are married
to a beautiful Lisa.
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22 years.
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22 years to Lisa have
two children, age 14 and--
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12. 12.
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And your counseling
center is in Colorado Springs.
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Tell us a little about that.
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Heart to Heart Counseling
Center in Colorado Springs,
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we have a team of counselors
there, they're all Christians.
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And we do telephone counseling.
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We do three day
intense for marriages,
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we do a lot with
addiction and recovery issues,
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men's issues, all
that kind of stuff.
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And of your 20 books,
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a lot of those are on addiction
and recovery, are they not?
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Absolutely.
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So that's kind
of a-- and marriage.
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That's an edge. Sure.
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That's an edge for both--
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We've written
three marriage books.
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Three marriage books.
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Now let's talk about,
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I love when you're talking about
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experiencing the
power of faithfulness.
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Let's-- you've identified a
number of different categories,
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let's begin with
spiritual faithfulness. Sure.
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And we know that faithfulness
is the heart of God.
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We know that's His heart.
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So to be faithful is
simply following His heart.
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You know, we love
that He's faithful.
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Don't we love
that when we call upon
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name of Lord and
He's there? Amen.
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We love that when we need
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patience or
forgiveness He's there.
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We love that He is
just faithful. Amen.
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Even when we are not faithful,
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the scripture
says, "He is faithful."
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And that studies us.
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What I love is the
fact that Philippians 2:13,
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he says that that
God works in us to will
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and to act
according to His good purpose.
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So faithfulness is
part of His purpose
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and as we looked
the fruit of the Spirit,
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the power of the
indwelling Spirit
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living in us will give us
that ability to be faithful.
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Now faithfulness though when you
talk about the fruit of Spirit,
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the fruits are for
other people to taste not you.
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The fruits are
for you to produce
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so that other people
can eat. That's good.
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So when I'm faithful,
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it produces the fruit
that gives you nourishment.
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Amen.
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You know what I'm
saying? All right.
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So fruits aren't
for me, they're for you.
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That's good.
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I have to be faithful
but the Spirit gives me
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the ability to be faithful
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so that you can
taste the Godness of that.
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Taste and see
how good the Lord is.
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You know what I'm saying? Yes.
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And so let's talk about--
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when you're
talking about faithfulness,
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spiritual faithfulness
so many Christian couples
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do not pray together.
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Oh, oh.
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It's astounding. That is.
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I mean there's this
studies on that are astounding.
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Even pastors who don't
pray with their spouses.
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It is a sad thing
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that there is such spiritual
unfaithfulness in marriage.
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That's-- You
know what I'm saying?
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Adam and Eve walk with God.
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Okay, as a married couple we
need to walk with God together.
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That doesn't
mean you have to have
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some kind of 80
minute devotion everyday
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but probably should be
that you pray together at least
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or do some worship together.
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And worship is
different than prayer.
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Worshiping
together would be good.
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Reading would be
okay, it'd be very good idea
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but somehow spiritually feeding
each other on a faithful basis
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which means most days. Amen.
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Not legalistic, you
know if you don't do it,
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you know, you're gonna be
you're a worse than Christian.
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But if you're not doing it all
together that's unfaithfulness.
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You know, it's
amazing I always ask people
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when they're dating, are you--
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you know if
you're getting serious--
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are you praying
together as you're dating?
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I tell them pray in public.
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Yeah, so don't
get to into it, yeah.
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Pray in public.
That's good. That's good.
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But they should have or
praying over the phone--
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Build that foundation.
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If you are not
building that foundation
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where you're comfortable
to pray with one another
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then when you get
married it doesn't change.
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I tell-- I tell ladies,
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listen if he's not praying
with you while he is dating,
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stop dating with him. Amen.
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Because he's
not gonna pray for--
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he's not gonna pray
with you during marriage,
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he's not gonna
pray with your kids
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when they want to go to bed,
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he's not gonna pray
for your grandchildren.
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So you've affected
two other generations
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by the man being spiritually
unfaithful during dating.
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That's good.
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You know what I'm saying? Right.
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So-- but this does happen.
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Spiritual
faithfulness is really important
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because it's the foundation
of our faith to be faithful.
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You know, to be faithful to God
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and to be faithful
to each other to God.
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So would you also
include spiritual faithfulness
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than attending to church?
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Going to church,
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having a fellowship of believers
surrounding you, absolutely.
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That be all
part of faithfulness.
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We're not going to church.
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So we love praying together.
We love connecting together.
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I love learning from Lisa,
she likes learning from me.
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Right.
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Best part of our DNA
is spiritual faithfulness.
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Even if we're on vocation
we will find the church there
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and go to church there.
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You know what I'm saying.
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That's not
religion, that's just--
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We want to be faithful to
him, who is faithful to us.
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You know, when you mention DNA,
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I have to share
what the Lord gave me
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when my new book
comes talking about
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spiritual DNA, we all have it.
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It's either the
devil's nature acquired
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or the divine nature acquired.
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Oh, it's good.
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So when we've got--
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And one thing
that I always point out
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to people is what Peter Paul
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when he said that God gives us
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everything we need for
good life and godliness
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and that he's giving us
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His exceedingly
great and precious promises
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through which we
partake of that divine nature.
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Absolutely.
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So part of that
spiritual faithfulness
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is being in the Bible together.
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Know what the word of God says
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and appreciating one another
for who we are in Christ.
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And when you're going through
several areas of faithfulness
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so you might want to, you know,
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if you're at home
check off your box,
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we're spiritually
faithful or we're not
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because by the time we're
done there might be an area
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that you need to work on
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so that you and your
spouse got a better marriage.
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So the second thing
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that you mentioned
was emotional faithful.
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Emotional faithfulness,
there's two parts thought.
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One is being consistent
about sharing your heart.
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You know, we talk about on
some of the shows we done before
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sharing feelings,
knowing how to do that,
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the book tells
us how to do that.
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Walking through,
here's my heart was today
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and doing that most
days, doing that consistently.
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Now the other part of
emotional faithfulness is
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not doing that with other people
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that you don't
do with your spouse.
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Oh, boy, you
brought up a good point.
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It is emotionally
unfaithful for you to have,
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you know, just your friends
who you share your heart with
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but you don't share
your heart with your spouse.
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Whether your male or female
this is dangerous, you know.
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And this-- this would--
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Especially cross gender.
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If you're
sharing your heart with,
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you are a man sharing
it with the woman at work,
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that's
unfaithfulness emotionally.
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If the woman is sharing
her heart with a man at the gym
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that would be
unfaithfulness emotionally.
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We want to be
emotionally faithful
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and as being consistently
sharing a heart with spouse.
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That's good.
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We hear stories a
lot, being on television,
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you know, you get a lot of calls
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that where
somebody has developed,
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just going into a chat room
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and developed some kind of
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an online
relationship in just a chat.
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Unfaithfulness. Okay.
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I'm glad that you
just-- It's unfaithfulness.
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There's no question about it
that's emotional unfaithfulness.
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I'm not married then why should
be sharing my heart with him.
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Or if somebody has developed a,
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you know, I tell people if
you've got a prayer partner,
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you know, it's not good.
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If you're married person,
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you're not supposed to
have cross-gender prayer partner
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because you end up
sharing your heart with him,
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maybe when you're
not sharing at home.
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And that should become
emotional faithfulness.
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And what some people do as
they do they pour their heart
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to other people than they
have nothing for their spouse.
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That's good.
That's unfaithfulness.
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Okay. Okay.
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Now this is one that some
people don't even think about
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but I love that
you point it out,
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parental faithfulness.
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Parental faithfulness
is really important issue
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especially as Christians
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because it took both
of us to make our child.
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It's gonna take both of
us to see the child through.
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Amen. Okay.
00:09:07.12\00:09:08.89
The child needs a masculine
voice and a feminine voice
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so it gets the voice of God.
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That's good. Okay.
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And men need to pick
up the kids after school,
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men need to, you
know do homework,
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they need to do the
things with the kids,
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they need to play with them.
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Women need to do what they
need to do with the children.
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And we both need
to do, this is a team.
00:09:23.82\00:09:25.81
Parenting is not a single sport
unless crisis through death,
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there's other
things that can happen.
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But the ideal
situation is where both people
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are playing the
team with the kids
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because once more like one
adult with the other adult,
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you understand them better.
00:09:40.48\00:09:41.77
One has different needs,
one's motivated differently
00:09:41.80\00:09:44.10
and you need to get in
there and team play this.
00:09:44.13\00:09:46.53
You know sometimes
these will get exasperated
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and with the child
and they say, okay,
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let's come up with some ideas
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and one of the
ideas is a good idea.
00:09:52.96\00:09:54.94
And she says, oh,
that's a good one,
00:09:54.97\00:09:56.00
I'll try that one because
she is out of ideas, you know.
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And she has insight
with the kids, I never have.
00:09:58.59\00:10:02.60
She just sees it
and I'm like, wow,
00:10:02.63\00:10:04.27
that is really a gift you have,
00:10:04.30\00:10:05.62
that's a gift 'cause I
would have never seen that.
00:10:05.65\00:10:07.41
Seems like a lot of
mothers have that, yes.
00:10:07.44\00:10:09.40
Yeah. But dads do too.
00:10:09.43\00:10:11.96
Dads know when to see them work.
00:10:11.99\00:10:13.76
It's time to call my son out,
00:10:13.79\00:10:15.94
it's time to
call my daughter out.
00:10:15.97\00:10:17.95
I want you to stretch harder
than you've ever stretched,
00:10:17.98\00:10:19.99
pushed harder than you've done,
00:10:20.02\00:10:21.31
playing harder
than you've ever done.
00:10:21.34\00:10:22.76
I want to be right next to you,
00:10:22.79\00:10:24.06
I'm gonna show
you to push harder.
00:10:24.09\00:10:25.47
And mom is like, oh no.
00:10:25.50\00:10:27.08
You know, but
children need both ways.
00:10:27.11\00:10:30.74
They need the parentless,
faithfulness and both.
00:10:30.77\00:10:33.90
Otherwise it
gives them a lopsided.
00:10:33.93\00:10:35.52
So parental faithfulness
is really important.
00:10:35.55\00:10:38.00
All right.
00:10:38.03\00:10:39.06
Dr. Doug, speak
for just a moment
00:10:39.09\00:10:40.78
to the parent the single parent.
00:10:40.81\00:10:45.07
Maybe it's the
wife whose husband,
00:10:45.10\00:10:47.56
ex-husband is not
remaining parentally faithful.
00:10:47.59\00:10:52.24
Sure.
00:10:52.27\00:10:53.30
They are involved
with the children.
00:10:53.33\00:10:54.53
What do they do?
00:10:54.56\00:10:55.66
Well, there I mean,
that's where you know,
00:10:55.69\00:10:57.18
being in a body
believers is really important.
00:10:57.21\00:10:59.61
You know what I'm saying.
00:10:59.64\00:11:00.88
There are other
young, young guys
00:11:00.91\00:11:02.93
who can help this
young man or young lady
00:11:02.96\00:11:04.85
or young ladies who
can help the young lady.
00:11:04.88\00:11:06.43
You have youth groups,
you have youth pastors,
00:11:06.46\00:11:08.15
that's what they are for
it's to help in that situations.
00:11:08.18\00:11:10.48
Okay. And there is also--
00:11:10.51\00:11:12.37
I could connect
to another family
00:11:12.40\00:11:14.20
that seems like
they're pretty intact
00:11:14.23\00:11:15.67
and hang out with
them, a little bit.
00:11:15.70\00:11:17.89
So that they can
see how that looks like.
00:11:17.92\00:11:21.19
You know what I'm saying.
00:11:21.22\00:11:22.25
You can't be the man to them
00:11:22.28\00:11:23.62
but you can put them
around some godly men they go.
00:11:23.65\00:11:25.83
Oh, that's what that looks like.
00:11:25.86\00:11:27.39
That's good. You
know what I'm saying.
00:11:27.42\00:11:28.86
And let some godly men take them
00:11:28.89\00:11:30.42
and do stuff with
them as well, it's okay.
00:11:30.45\00:11:32.22
That's wonderful. All right.
00:11:32.25\00:11:33.90
Let's talk about the
one we think of most often
00:11:33.93\00:11:37.11
and that is
physical faithfulness.
00:11:37.14\00:11:38.21
Yeah. Physical and moral
faithfulness is really critical.
00:11:38.24\00:11:41.11
Now what you want
to talk about here
00:11:41.14\00:11:42.89
is setting up your boundaries
so that you can stay that way.
00:11:42.92\00:11:46.83
Here are some of
the guidelines here.
00:11:46.86\00:11:48.35
Never talk
negative with your spouse
00:11:48.38\00:11:50.50
with someone of
the cross gender.
00:11:50.53\00:11:52.62
Say that again.
00:11:52.65\00:11:53.68
Don't complain about your spouse
to someone of the cross gender.
00:11:53.71\00:11:56.68
So if I'm a guy I don't
talk to woman about my spouse.
00:11:56.71\00:12:00.23
Now for sure they want
to complain about okay,
00:12:00.26\00:12:02.22
but if someone did
if you have something
00:12:02.25\00:12:04.28
to complain about
talk to the other guy,
00:12:04.31\00:12:05.34
say, totally get
what you're talking about.
00:12:05.37\00:12:06.57
Okay. You know what I'm saying.
00:12:06.60\00:12:07.86
And then I gonna
feel sorry for it,
00:12:07.89\00:12:08.92
you can say now wait a minute.
00:12:08.95\00:12:10.01
Your life is match you just
spent 500 bucks you didn't have.
00:12:10.04\00:12:12.67
Well, you're a
moron that's your problem.
00:12:12.70\00:12:17.08
You know, they
will catch you on that.
00:12:17.11\00:12:18.84
Okay, a guy will correct you.
00:12:18.87\00:12:21.05
A woman will give you sympathy
00:12:21.08\00:12:22.64
and that sympathy
can be misunderstood
00:12:22.67\00:12:24.18
and become a very kind of
romanticize kind of thing.
00:12:24.21\00:12:27.44
You know this is something that
we teach young pastors as well
00:12:27.47\00:12:31.82
as that when you are
counseling with a woman
00:12:31.85\00:12:36.28
if you're a cross gender
to have your spouse with you.
00:12:36.31\00:12:41.04
Because what happens
often and this--a woman if--
00:12:41.07\00:12:44.90
let's say a man and woman.
00:12:44.93\00:12:46.38
A woman got a problem, she takes
it to a man, a Christian man.
00:12:46.41\00:12:49.70
And this case we're
saying it's the pastor.
00:12:49.73\00:12:51.62
Sure. It may not be the pastor.
00:12:51.65\00:12:53.32
What happens is
the Christian man
00:12:53.35\00:12:55.66
is being so understanding,
00:12:55.69\00:12:57.34
he's listening and
he's counseling her.
00:12:57.37\00:12:59.43
Enjoying, he has the story.
00:12:59.46\00:13:01.32
He is only getting
after story so is she.
00:13:01.35\00:13:03.62
You know, maybe she is saying
my husband never listens to me.
00:13:03.65\00:13:06.13
And here is this man
who's just being so attentive.
00:13:06.16\00:13:09.22
She sees the Jesus in him and
she transfers those feelings.
00:13:09.25\00:13:14.31
Now it could be that
that pastor goes home
00:13:14.34\00:13:17.23
and doesn't listen
to his wife either.
00:13:17.26\00:13:18.77
But she doesn't know that.
00:13:18.80\00:13:20.15
Hence that is the demise of
many relationships, isn't it?
00:13:20.18\00:13:23.79
Okay. Yeah.
00:13:23.82\00:13:24.97
So having
really clear boundaries
00:13:25.00\00:13:26.42
with your
communication about your spouse,
00:13:26.45\00:13:28.59
you know, that's
really important there.
00:13:28.62\00:13:32.74
And having a genuine
commitment to faithfulness,
00:13:32.77\00:13:36.20
you know, knowing that
that is a place you can't go.
00:13:36.23\00:13:39.38
And other thing is that
00:13:39.41\00:13:40.44
if your man having
accountability is critical
00:13:40.47\00:13:42.64
because they are
situations in work or travel
00:13:42.67\00:13:44.96
or situations where you know
you get pinked by something.
00:13:44.99\00:13:47.95
If you call on other guy
00:13:47.98\00:13:49.14
say listen, I'm in a situation
you know the TV is in the room,
00:13:49.17\00:13:52.06
I'm not gonna
turn the pornography
00:13:52.09\00:13:53.56
but you never
thought about that.
00:13:53.59\00:13:54.90
That's faithfulness. Amen.
00:13:54.93\00:13:57.40
That's me protecting my family.
00:13:57.43\00:13:59.82
But you're being accountable
00:13:59.85\00:14:01.00
because pornography is
physical unfaithfulness.
00:14:01.03\00:14:04.85
It's physical, emotional--
00:14:04.88\00:14:06.32
You know, it brings you
down that road for sure.
00:14:06.35\00:14:08.11
And we do a lot of people
who are struck with pornography,
00:14:08.14\00:14:10.32
you know, and
the practice, okay.
00:14:10.35\00:14:11.38
All right. And so
that's a big issue.
00:14:11.41\00:14:13.47
So having some clear boundaries
00:14:13.50\00:14:14.78
is a good part of just
being morally faithful.
00:14:14.81\00:14:19.23
Let me ask you a question,
00:14:19.26\00:14:20.38
I haven't know which category
00:14:20.41\00:14:21.84
you would put this
particular problem in
00:14:21.87\00:14:24.84
but I hear, I speak
with the lot of woman
00:14:24.87\00:14:27.15
who will tell me that my husband
00:14:27.18\00:14:30.36
wants to fantasize
or play games you have,
00:14:30.39\00:14:34.82
have these little
stories and play games
00:14:34.85\00:14:37.30
and think of me with somebody
else when we're being intimate.
00:14:37.33\00:14:40.65
Would you agree
that's unfaithfulness?
00:14:40.68\00:14:42.36
Yeah. I would say
that's really unwise
00:14:42.39\00:14:44.37
and it can lead
to unfaithfulness.
00:14:44.40\00:14:45.65
And we've got
several books on that subject
00:14:45.68\00:14:49.18
on man in recovery
and stuff like that.
00:14:49.21\00:14:51.40
We're not here to do that today
00:14:51.43\00:14:52.62
but that can
definitely be a problem.
00:14:52.65\00:14:54.43
So yeah, have total
boundaries around any bad stuff.
00:14:54.46\00:14:56.89
Because the better
physical relationship
00:14:56.92\00:14:58.90
is eyes open looking
and nurturing each other.
00:14:58.93\00:15:00.96
Okay, that's God's will.
00:15:00.99\00:15:02.28
Okay, and then we have--
00:15:02.31\00:15:03.58
Okay. Now you've got to the--
00:15:03.61\00:15:07.12
Financial. Financial faith.
00:15:07.15\00:15:09.35
Financial faithfulness.
00:15:09.38\00:15:10.62
Yeah, now that's a tricky one
00:15:10.65\00:15:12.38
because lot of us sometimes
we do our thing financially.
00:15:12.41\00:15:14.88
You know, we want to
buy the shoes or suit,
00:15:14.91\00:15:17.24
other things and
toys and stuff like that
00:15:17.27\00:15:19.27
without necessary
looking at the long term.
00:15:19.30\00:15:21.06
Here are some very critical
things, number one, tithing.
00:15:21.09\00:15:24.43
Amen.
00:15:24.46\00:15:25.63
Now I'm a counselor,
I'm a psychologist, okay.
00:15:25.66\00:15:28.22
Now in 20 years
of counseling people
00:15:28.25\00:15:30.91
we have severe
financial problems.
00:15:30.94\00:15:33.45
I've asked each one
of them do you tithe?
00:15:33.48\00:15:35.33
And every one of them
told me no without exception.
00:15:35.36\00:15:39.12
I actually--
00:15:39.15\00:15:40.18
So that tells me if you have
financial problems don't tithe.
00:15:40.21\00:15:42.12
Right. Okay.
00:15:42.15\00:15:43.37
So tithing is number one, you
have to be an agreement on that,
00:15:43.40\00:15:45.84
if you're not, you are
not you are in trouble.
00:15:45.87\00:15:47.13
Okay, that's that is
faithfulness financially.
00:15:47.16\00:15:49.39
And then having long
term plans for retirement,
00:15:49.42\00:15:51.83
collage, cars and weddings.
00:15:51.86\00:15:53.75
Those are all gonna happen
if you had a child the week
00:15:53.78\00:15:57.15
my daughter was born we
started her collage account.
00:15:57.18\00:15:59.20
Okay.
00:15:59.23\00:16:00.47
Because I'm
responsible and Lisa responsible
00:16:00.50\00:16:03.04
to make sure that
her asset gets there
00:16:03.07\00:16:04.97
and she will get
there to collage, okay.
00:16:05.00\00:16:06.92
So being financial responsible
has the long term planning,
00:16:06.95\00:16:10.29
investing, retirement, tithing,
and all that kind of stuff.
00:16:10.32\00:16:13.66
And then also financial
faithfulness is the old budget
00:16:13.69\00:16:17.70
that we all don't
like to have, okay.
00:16:17.73\00:16:19.72
But having some kind of--
00:16:19.75\00:16:20.84
isn't that this sort of
all written down or anything
00:16:20.87\00:16:22.84
and that is helpful though.
00:16:22.87\00:16:24.76
So that you kind of
know what you're spending,
00:16:24.79\00:16:26.54
to keep in track of that
that's financial faithfulness.
00:16:26.57\00:16:29.28
Another trick in financial
faithfulness is having a number.
00:16:29.31\00:16:32.86
And neither one
of you will spend
00:16:32.89\00:16:35.48
without
consulting the other person.
00:16:35.51\00:16:37.97
Nobody likes looking at credit
card to go, oh my, what is that?
00:16:38.00\00:16:42.76
You know what I'm
saying. And so no surprises.
00:16:42.79\00:16:45.66
If it's over X amount
00:16:45.69\00:16:47.02
probably have a
number you can agree with
00:16:47.05\00:16:48.68
and then that would be
faithful to call your spouses.
00:16:48.71\00:16:52.09
Hey, listen, hey, I
thought about doing this,
00:16:52.12\00:16:54.12
I'm here its on sale, I
wanted to just let you know.
00:16:54.15\00:16:56.87
So there is some kind of
respect financial back to you.
00:16:56.90\00:16:59.05
Absolutely.
00:16:59.08\00:17:00.11
Now if you have a financial
goals and financial plans,
00:17:00.14\00:17:04.27
a form of financial
unfaithfulness would be,
00:17:04.30\00:17:07.34
let's say that you've
agreed that you're going to be
00:17:07.37\00:17:10.69
putting all the
extra income that
00:17:10.72\00:17:13.23
or all the non-budgeted income
00:17:13.26\00:17:16.59
that you have this
year to reduce your mortgage
00:17:16.62\00:17:18.94
or let's say to
half your credit debts.
00:17:18.97\00:17:21.98
And you've agreed that
we're going to hold off
00:17:22.01\00:17:24.40
all it's
erroneous type of spending.
00:17:24.43\00:17:28.99
Then you go out and you've got
this agreement with each other
00:17:29.02\00:17:32.58
and there is some
sale and you blow $500
00:17:32.61\00:17:35.59
because everything was on sale.
00:17:35.62\00:17:37.64
That's financial unfaithfulness.
00:17:37.67\00:17:39.20
And that person had
to take everything back.
00:17:39.23\00:17:41.01
There you go. That's good. Yeah.
00:17:41.04\00:17:43.53
Because that's
unfaithfulness, okay.
00:17:43.56\00:17:44.87
Like me and Lisa at
the end of every year,
00:17:44.90\00:17:46.91
Lisa and I sit down and go
through all of our systems,
00:17:46.94\00:17:48.86
financial, spiritual,
our physical relationship,
00:17:48.89\00:17:51.47
our friends, kids,
business, all the systems there.
00:17:51.50\00:17:55.34
And we go through and make
agreements all the way through.
00:17:55.37\00:17:57.60
So one year we made an agreement
00:17:57.63\00:17:58.83
that we work on
have any large purchases
00:17:58.86\00:18:01.26
we're gonna actually
pay off our house, okay.
00:18:01.29\00:18:03.29
And so we were able to
do that but during that year
00:18:03.32\00:18:07.13
that's real good year for cars
00:18:07.16\00:18:08.72
and I didn't buy
like four cars that year
00:18:08.75\00:18:11.38
'cause all I was
really wanting to
00:18:11.41\00:18:13.67
but we made an
agreement that I wouldn't.
00:18:13.70\00:18:16.00
That we would not
acquire any new debt
00:18:16.03\00:18:17.66
until the house was paid for.
00:18:17.69\00:18:18.72
That's good. You
see what I'm saying.
00:18:18.75\00:18:20.60
And so see in our marriage the
government is stronger than me.
00:18:20.63\00:18:24.68
And you know what
I like is the fact
00:18:24.71\00:18:26.70
that you do at the new
years you do this every year.
00:18:26.73\00:18:30.48
You sit down and you make a plan
00:18:30.51\00:18:32.57
because that old saying,
if you plan to fail you'll--
00:18:32.60\00:18:35.30
Definitely, you'll succeed.
00:18:35.33\00:18:36.48
Yeah. That's what I meant.
00:18:36.51\00:18:37.54
If you fail to
plan, you plan to fail.
00:18:37.57\00:18:39.75
Right, right, right. Exactly.
00:18:39.78\00:18:41.34
It's really good because I
think there's a lot of people
00:18:41.37\00:18:43.78
who just go through life
00:18:43.81\00:18:45.38
and things happen
as they come at them
00:18:45.41\00:18:48.49
and then they wake up--
00:18:48.52\00:18:49.99
They react instead of act.
00:18:50.02\00:18:51.05
They wake up when
they're 60 years old
00:18:51.08\00:18:53.27
and realize retirement is coming
soon and they have nothing.
00:18:53.30\00:18:55.26
Had a couple in my office
last week who were 55 years old
00:18:55.29\00:18:58.38
and almost
nothing in retirement.
00:18:58.41\00:18:59.50
What are you thinking?
00:18:59.53\00:19:00.83
Yeah. I mean, come on.
00:19:00.86\00:19:02.68
You've got, you don't even have
enough time to figure this out
00:19:02.71\00:19:05.27
because for every
thousand dollars a month
00:19:05.30\00:19:07.02
you want to live on
00:19:07.05\00:19:08.20
you need about a hundred
thousand dollars in retirement.
00:19:08.23\00:19:10.32
Wow. Okay.
00:19:10.35\00:19:11.46
People don't realize that.
00:19:11.49\00:19:13.02
Okay, so they think
they got this little $50,000
00:19:13.05\00:19:15.45
they think it's a lot and
the last there's nothing, okay.
00:19:15.48\00:19:18.93
And you can't
live off your primary
00:19:18.96\00:19:20.66
and you live off the return
from your investment, okay.
00:19:20.69\00:19:24.16
And so the soon you sit
down with your financial planner
00:19:24.19\00:19:27.52
whether you're 20 or 30
that's the best time to do it.
00:19:27.55\00:19:29.63
You're 40, okay,
you can work hard.
00:19:29.66\00:19:32.06
At 50, you can bring
thousands of dollars a month
00:19:32.09\00:19:34.31
into a retirement
vehicle on top of your mortgage,
00:19:34.34\00:19:37.82
car payment systems.
00:19:37.85\00:19:38.88
You see what I'm saying.
00:19:38.91\00:19:39.94
So it's as soon as possible
you get that plan in place.
00:19:39.97\00:19:42.78
You know it's something simple
00:19:42.81\00:19:44.04
that if you can't afford
to go to a financial advisor
00:19:44.07\00:19:46.30
when you've early married.
00:19:46.33\00:19:47.80
Very simple rule is
first 10% return to God.
00:19:47.83\00:19:52.23
Second 10% put
into a savings account
00:19:52.26\00:19:55.93
or some source
of saving vehicle.
00:19:55.96\00:19:58.11
Learn to live off
the 80%. Absolutely.
00:19:58.14\00:20:00.44
And most of us do
it just the reverse,
00:20:00.47\00:20:03.27
instead of putting
that 20% returning 10 to God
00:20:03.30\00:20:06.64
and putting 10 away
and living on the 80.
00:20:06.67\00:20:09.36
Most people live on
120% of their income.
00:20:09.39\00:20:12.33
They are out there
maxing out their credit cards.
00:20:12.36\00:20:15.64
And that creates
debts, that creates problems,
00:20:15.67\00:20:17.48
that creates future bankruptcy.
00:20:17.51\00:20:19.06
And what happens is
you're living on your wealth
00:20:19.09\00:20:20.99
and you don't do that.
00:20:21.02\00:20:22.10
You want to create
wealth in your presence
00:20:22.13\00:20:23.77
so you have
wealth in your future
00:20:23.80\00:20:24.97
so that your
children and grandchildren
00:20:25.00\00:20:26.30
have lot in their futures. Amen.
00:20:26.33\00:20:27.87
And the Bible is
clear about that.
00:20:27.90\00:20:29.56
It's not about us. That's right.
00:20:29.59\00:20:31.12
A good man lives in inheritance.
00:20:31.15\00:20:32.58
I take western
cultures that are worse
00:20:32.61\00:20:34.81
than this in
some other cultures.
00:20:34.84\00:20:35.91
But any culture you are at
00:20:35.94\00:20:37.67
and if you start
saving earlier the better.
00:20:37.70\00:20:39.62
That's financial
faithfulness to God,
00:20:39.65\00:20:41.64
to your spouse and
to your future family.
00:20:41.67\00:20:43.49
Amen.
00:20:43.52\00:20:44.55
Okay, you also talked
about faithfulness with friends.
00:20:44.58\00:20:47.65
Yes. It's good to have friends.
00:20:47.68\00:20:48.99
You know, marriage is--
it's an enterprise, okay.
00:20:49.02\00:20:52.14
It's just like you
know, taking on a business
00:20:52.17\00:20:53.71
or taking on some big project.
00:20:53.74\00:20:55.14
It's an enterprise as if you
know, many decade enterprise.
00:20:55.17\00:20:59.22
And it's good to have friends in
your life that you can talk to,
00:20:59.25\00:21:03.24
that you can hang with and you
can have your type of fun with.
00:21:03.27\00:21:05.78
You know my wife doesn't
want to jump out on planes,
00:21:05.81\00:21:07.70
she doesn't want to do,
00:21:07.73\00:21:09.39
you know, risky things like that
00:21:09.42\00:21:10.58
'cause she has intelligence
00:21:10.61\00:21:11.67
that you know is
greater than her risk factor.
00:21:11.70\00:21:14.09
My risk factor is
higher than some intelligence.
00:21:14.12\00:21:16.44
Okay, so I sometimes I
need to go hang with some guys
00:21:16.47\00:21:19.56
who want to go do something
really kind of fun, for me,
00:21:19.59\00:21:22.63
okay, that won't be
fun for her, all right.
00:21:22.66\00:21:24.58
And so having
friends you can play with,
00:21:24.61\00:21:27.25
having friends you
can say, you know what,
00:21:27.28\00:21:28.78
this is kind of
rough, it's rough day,
00:21:28.81\00:21:31.69
you know and they can say,
00:21:31.72\00:21:33.34
yeah, it's a rough
day but you got a big God.
00:21:33.37\00:21:35.51
And they can realign you,
00:21:35.54\00:21:37.22
see, I have this
theory, men make men.
00:21:37.25\00:21:40.63
Okay.
00:21:40.66\00:21:41.69
And it's a good thing to
share your heart with your wife
00:21:41.72\00:21:43.60
or sometimes, you see
talk to guy so I guy say,
00:21:43.63\00:21:46.30
you know what, you're
better than that, stop whining,
00:21:46.33\00:21:48.90
get back on the beam and
I'll perform the other guy.
00:21:48.93\00:21:51.26
Okay. You see what I'm saying.
00:21:51.29\00:21:53.16
Now when a man tells you that,
00:21:53.19\00:21:54.55
boy, you straight line
up and you just can't--
00:21:54.58\00:21:56.86
you can't fuss with them because
he's probably right, okay.
00:21:56.89\00:22:00.66
And it's also
important, Shelley,
00:22:00.69\00:22:02.11
for ladies to have a place to go
and do their chattering, okay,
00:22:02.14\00:22:07.10
about the things in their life.
00:22:07.13\00:22:09.12
Their kids, those
creatures called men, you know.
00:22:09.15\00:22:12.31
Don't understand these things.
00:22:12.34\00:22:14.40
All that kind of stuff
00:22:14.43\00:22:15.56
and not, but also
to share insights on
00:22:15.59\00:22:18.08
how they're doing things well
00:22:18.11\00:22:19.34
and to encourage one another
00:22:19.37\00:22:20.54
and you know when one's
down and pick the other one up.
00:22:20.57\00:22:22.54
We all need friends
whether we're male or female
00:22:22.57\00:22:25.06
to have some place to
kind of be supportive,
00:22:25.09\00:22:28.36
sometimes maybe
complaining a little bit
00:22:28.39\00:22:30.05
but in a safe way that
some one can say you know what,
00:22:30.08\00:22:32.28
I know you really in love,
you're just kind of fussing.
00:22:32.31\00:22:36.03
So you just said
something in a safe place,
00:22:36.06\00:22:38.48
we're talking about
faithfulness among friends.
00:22:38.51\00:22:41.21
Now what would be
considered unfaithfulness?
00:22:41.24\00:22:44.40
For example, if a man has,
00:22:44.43\00:22:47.33
a married man has a male friend
who is single and unchristian,
00:22:47.36\00:22:52.77
and the other is
Christian and married,
00:22:52.80\00:22:54.53
for them to be
hanging around a lot together?
00:22:54.56\00:22:56.99
Yeah, that'd be, you
know, you got to talk about
00:22:57.02\00:22:59.54
Christian about being unequally
you know, in any relationship.
00:22:59.57\00:23:01.59
Okay, good one.
00:23:01.62\00:23:04.18
And your friends should be
00:23:04.21\00:23:06.06
having the same
value systems you have.
00:23:06.09\00:23:07.94
They should
definitely be Christians
00:23:07.97\00:23:09.17
because they might have the word
of the Lord for you that day.
00:23:09.20\00:23:12.75
Right.
00:23:12.78\00:23:13.84
It's hard to get the word
of Lord from a non-Christian.
00:23:13.87\00:23:15.74
Right. You see what I'm saying.
00:23:15.77\00:23:17.10
And another good thing
is to have some friends
00:23:17.13\00:23:19.96
that are a little
further along in life
00:23:19.99\00:23:22.72
or little further
along in areas of life,
00:23:22.75\00:23:24.98
so that you can learn from them.
00:23:25.01\00:23:26.42
That's good.
00:23:26.45\00:23:27.48
It's always good to
have at least one friend
00:23:27.51\00:23:28.62
that's least you know,
15 years older than you.
00:23:28.65\00:23:30.73
And they serve men in
a mentor role, really.
00:23:30.76\00:23:33.78
Sure, just as an example,
or just to have that insight
00:23:33.81\00:23:36.67
'cause you know the older I get,
00:23:36.70\00:23:38.69
it seems that I'm
able to be more reflective
00:23:38.72\00:23:41.86
in my thinking and not so rigid.
00:23:41.89\00:23:44.72
And I think if I had somebody
00:23:44.75\00:23:46.26
who's 15 more
years older than me,
00:23:46.29\00:23:47.53
they seemed that is
not a big deal, trust me.
00:23:47.56\00:23:51.30
You know you've got a few
more years with your children,
00:23:51.33\00:23:53.69
you're gonna be living life
with your wife in a great way,
00:23:53.72\00:23:56.69
just move
through these next years
00:23:56.72\00:23:58.60
no matter what happens
'cause its gonna get so good.
00:23:58.63\00:24:01.29
I remember when--
you know what I'm saying,
00:24:01.32\00:24:02.85
and they can give you
that reflective kind of thing,
00:24:02.88\00:24:05.50
that you know a 20 year
old friend can't give to me.
00:24:05.53\00:24:08.17
But now as far as friends
and the faithfulness in friends,
00:24:08.20\00:24:12.62
what do you think are
the greatest attributes to--
00:24:12.65\00:24:19.04
I don't know
what the question is--
00:24:19.07\00:24:20.10
Yeah, I think you're asking me
00:24:20.13\00:24:21.16
like what's
really important there?
00:24:21.19\00:24:22.22
What's important is that those
friends support your marriage.
00:24:22.25\00:24:25.56
And if you start
trashing your spouse,
00:24:25.59\00:24:27.10
they correct you a little bit.
00:24:27.13\00:24:28.27
All right. You
see what I'm saying.
00:24:28.30\00:24:29.64
Okay, it's okay to
whine a little bit, that,
00:24:29.67\00:24:31.18
you know, kind of this but they
should kind of like cause this
00:24:31.21\00:24:34.12
or what's your part in this
00:24:34.15\00:24:35.65
or how can you
bring this back together.
00:24:35.68\00:24:39.41
You know friends
that are encouraging you
00:24:39.44\00:24:40.84
to be moving
away from each other,
00:24:40.87\00:24:42.91
not that kind of
friends you need.
00:24:42.94\00:24:44.31
And, Doug, what happens
00:24:44.34\00:24:45.73
when we've gone through
these areas of faithfulness,
00:24:45.76\00:24:48.47
but what happens in a marriage
when things get upside then--
00:24:48.50\00:24:52.48
Sure, sure, sure.
00:24:52.51\00:24:53.69
How do you correct it?
00:24:53.72\00:24:55.37
Well, don't try to take
them all on at one time.
00:24:55.40\00:24:57.12
Okay.
00:24:57.15\00:24:58.39
You know, that's definitely
the promise of love agreement.
00:24:58.42\00:25:00.56
You should take one
thing one at a time.
00:25:00.59\00:25:02.40
So you say okay, we're gonna
take on financial faithfulness
00:25:02.43\00:25:05.63
or parental faithfulness
or spiritual faithfulness,
00:25:05.66\00:25:07.81
take on one. Let's do that.
00:25:07.84\00:25:09.79
And then work on that
one for about 30 to 60 days,
00:25:09.82\00:25:12.51
set goals for yourself, there's
actually goals in the book,
00:25:12.54\00:25:15.03
you write those down.
00:25:15.06\00:25:16.09
So maybe you work on
spiritual faithfulness,
00:25:16.12\00:25:17.50
the only thing you want to do
00:25:17.53\00:25:18.56
is pray most days
every day for two months.
00:25:18.59\00:25:21.63
Okay, that's great,
that's all you're gonna do.
00:25:21.66\00:25:23.97
Maybe financial you
can say, you know what,
00:25:24.00\00:25:25.46
we're gonna make it
upon financial accounts
00:25:25.49\00:25:27.21
or we're gonna put 10% away
00:25:27.24\00:25:28.65
or in two months
we're gonna do that,
00:25:28.68\00:25:30.20
we're gonna keep doing that
00:25:30.23\00:25:31.26
and get that thing
kind of moving along,
00:25:31.29\00:25:33.59
okay, then take on,
00:25:33.62\00:25:35.09
you know what,
the parental thing.
00:25:35.12\00:25:36.19
I really should pick
up the kids twice a week.
00:25:36.22\00:25:38.89
It's not fair that you get talk
to them after school every day.
00:25:38.92\00:25:42.05
Do you know what I'm saying?
00:25:42.08\00:25:43.25
Or I can take them to
school at least twice a day
00:25:43.28\00:25:45.23
so I have that
family time or whatever.
00:25:45.26\00:25:46.96
So we have to
work on one at a time
00:25:46.99\00:25:49.64
because you know life
is a big thing, Shelley.
00:25:49.67\00:25:52.56
Amen.
00:25:52.59\00:25:53.62
It's a big thing, you know,
00:25:53.65\00:25:54.68
and you're not gonna become
great at everything all at once
00:25:54.71\00:25:57.05
but you can become better
at the small thing consistently
00:25:57.08\00:26:02.77
and then you can
take on another one.
00:26:02.80\00:26:04.32
I like that, I
like that so the book
00:26:04.35\00:26:06.17
is the 7 Love
Agreements by Dr. Douglas Weiss
00:26:06.20\00:26:09.26
and I believe
there's great power in,
00:26:09.29\00:26:13.81
as we learn to
trust one another,
00:26:13.84\00:26:17.49
as we grow more faithful in
our relationship to the Lord
00:26:17.52\00:26:21.30
and our
relationship with each other,
00:26:21.33\00:26:23.38
it releases God's power within
us and our power as a couple.
00:26:23.41\00:26:28.66
All it allows you
to trust one another.
00:26:28.69\00:26:30.26
If I know that
you're gonna be faithful,
00:26:30.29\00:26:32.97
I can trust you. Amen.
00:26:33.00\00:26:34.49
I never worried about my
wife being morally unfaithful,
00:26:34.52\00:26:36.90
I never really
worried but being financially,
00:26:36.93\00:26:38.68
actually all these things,
00:26:38.71\00:26:39.92
she's pretty good,
she's actually pretty,
00:26:39.95\00:26:41.42
you know, wonderful.
00:26:41.45\00:26:43.55
Yeah. Okay.
00:26:43.58\00:26:44.80
So I can go do things like this,
00:26:44.83\00:26:47.34
leave my home for a
day or so, and come back
00:26:47.37\00:26:50.84
and everything's gonna
be relatively still in order
00:26:50.87\00:26:53.48
and that trust is
because of her faithfulness.
00:26:53.51\00:26:56.43
And it's her
consistency of faithfulness.
00:26:56.46\00:26:59.00
If she was faithful one month
00:26:59.03\00:27:01.22
and maybe she was there
financially faithful one month
00:27:01.25\00:27:03.78
and she wasn't the next,
00:27:03.81\00:27:05.06
there is no trust in
consistency and so it's good.
00:27:05.09\00:27:09.23
Dr. Doug, thank you so
much for returning again today.
00:27:09.26\00:27:12.55
We always enjoy
when you're here.
00:27:12.58\00:27:14.10
Well, thank you.
00:27:14.13\00:27:15.16
And the 7 Love Agreements
are something I believe
00:27:15.19\00:27:17.77
that every couple
needs to be making.
00:27:17.80\00:27:20.50
Thank you so much.
00:27:20.53\00:27:22.27
For those of you at home,
we pray that God is showing you
00:27:22.30\00:27:26.48
some things you may
not have considered before.
00:27:26.51\00:27:29.23
And that as
you're learning these,
00:27:29.26\00:27:31.55
that these will be something
00:27:31.58\00:27:32.64
that you will want
to put into practice
00:27:32.67\00:27:34.99
because we believe
that they're very important
00:27:35.02\00:27:37.09
to having a
fulfilling relationship,
00:27:37.12\00:27:40.28
not only with the
Lord but with your spouse.
00:27:40.31\00:27:42.59
Now may the grace of
our Lord Jesus Christ,
00:27:42.62\00:27:45.29
the love of the Father
00:27:45.32\00:27:46.70
and the
fellowship of the Holy Spirit
00:27:46.73\00:27:49.06
be with you and your
family today and always.
00:27:49.09\00:27:53.27
Bye, bye.
00:27:53.30\00:27:54.33