Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000351
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00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
00:31 and welcome again to "Issues and Answers." 00:33 Today, we've got an exciting issue and that is How to Fight. 00:38 Now you might say Christians are not supposed to fight. 00:40 Paul even wrote in Timothy to Timothy in Timothy 2:24. 00:44 He said "The servant of the Lord 00:46 must not be quarrelsome." 00:47 Well, you know, some people say well, 00:50 Paul wasn't married to my wife. 00:53 But that we all though have conflict 00:56 and we need to learn how to resolve our conflicts in a way 01:01 that is a Christian manner and that's not harmful to other. 01:03 Please welcome with me our returning 01:06 guest Dr. Douglas Weiss. 01:08 Doug, we so glad that you're back. 01:10 Good to be here, Shelley. 01:11 And, you know, I always like to kind 01:13 of give you little introduction in the beginning 01:15 because some people may not have seen some of the other program 01:17 you've done on 3ABN and you are a psychologist. 01:21 You have actually four degrees, two in Bible 01:23 and one in family counseling in psychology. 01:26 You're the author of 20 books. 01:28 Tell us little bit about your practice in Colorado Springs. 01:31 Well, we have a counseling center 01:32 with Christian counselors. 01:33 We do telephone counseling, we do 3-day intensives, 01:35 we do a lot with addictions, we do lot with marriage 01:37 and issues, written three books on marriage. 01:39 And we've love to see peoples marriages better stronger, 01:44 so that they can tease non-Christians 01:47 into believing that faith makes a difference. 01:50 Amen. And faith does make a difference 01:53 when you have faith in God's way of doing things 01:58 and I think that as we started our program God 02:01 doesn't want us to be having not down drag out fights 02:05 and saying hateful things with one another. 02:07 And in your book The Ten Minute Marriage Principle 02:10 you talked about how to have a 10 minute fight. 02:15 We're talking about disagreement about resolving conflict. 02:18 Absolutely. We all have conflict. 02:19 Right in conflicts, you know, for some people 02:21 is a noddy bad word. 02:24 Okay, conflicts gonna happen, 02:25 you know, when God created 02:27 the heavens and earth. 02:29 In other words conflict because 02:30 there was change and systems were changing. 02:32 You know what I am saying? Yes. 02:33 Okay, conflict is a good thing. 02:37 Conflict attributes to growth. 02:39 It is growth if you handle it appropriately. 02:41 Okay. Now a lot of us did not had 02:43 a fight fear, did not had a fight will. 02:47 Some of us learned actually how to fight poorly 02:49 in destructive in our families. 02:50 You know, to get the last word in always 02:53 one up the other person, bring up all the past. 02:56 Of course scripture says don't bring up the past, right. 02:58 But, you know, you know, let's bring it up anyway. 03:01 The scripture also says that, love is not a scorekeeper. 03:06 It's not-- doesn't keep record of wrongs. 03:07 You're right, doesn't keep record of wrongs, right. 03:08 But when you fight, see if you learned dysfunctional 03:10 fighting then really you throw everything out 03:13 there you just do your own thing. 03:14 Right. Okay, and that kind of fleshly 03:16 kind of fighting is exactly what the scripture is saying. 03:19 Don't do that. Don't do the kind of fighting that causes pain, 03:23 shame because, you know, when you say those nasty things 03:26 out of your mouth you feel shame about it. 03:29 Then if you don't have the character 03:31 to ask forgiveness you keep that. 03:33 But you know that the Bible also tells us in Proverbs 18:21 03:37 "That there is the power of death 03:39 and life in the tongue." 03:40 In sometimes the words have such power that once you say 03:45 very cut remark even if you come back and you are sincerely 03:49 asking for forgiveness, your sincerely sorry those words 03:53 almost have a life of their own. 03:54 They can cut, they can wound 03:56 and they can take sometime to heal. 03:58 So we want to know how to flight fair 04:02 because if you are in marriage, 04:03 you're married to someone different than you. 04:05 Absolutely. They thing differently than you. 04:08 One is man, one is woman. 04:09 They feel differently than you, they're different gender 04:11 than you, they have a different 04:13 family words and different history, 04:15 a different--sometimes even different values in some areas. 04:18 You know that are necessarily right or wrong, 04:20 but they are different. 04:22 You know, let me give you classic example 04:23 in my marriage, okay. 04:25 And then we'll get into how to actually 04:26 do this in encourage people to practice at home, 04:29 okay because we want people to fight well. 04:31 I want you to know how to fight well. 04:32 Get a pen and paper because we need you to write 04:34 some things down in just a couple of minutes, okay. 04:36 Now here's an example. 04:37 Me and Lisa married probably our first year of marriage okay. 04:40 I am in seminary, I am thinking 04:42 full lot of seminary, I am working 04:44 40 to 50 hours a week, okay, so pretty tough schedule. 04:47 She's working, okay. 04:49 She worked the day shift, I worked the night shift 04:51 that' how we exchange one car, okay. 04:53 So we had this issue about garbage come up periodically 04:57 in our marriage and one day. 04:59 You're talking about like who takes out the garbage? 05:01 You are talking about the garbage, okay. 05:03 And so one day I am dashing out 05:06 of the apartment because I am-- I got to get to work, 05:08 she just came home and dash out to work 05:10 and she goes like don't forget take out the garbage. 05:13 I said, now she's gonna be home the whole next eight hours. 05:16 You know what I am saying? 05:17 And the garbage is, you know, just taking down 05:19 the steps putting in the dumpsters. 05:20 Not like it's, you know, six blocks away, okay. 05:23 And so I said, I don't know what this garbage issue is. 05:26 But, when I come home 05:27 we are going to deal with this thing, okay. 05:30 And so we are unraveled this incredible package, okay. 05:34 See in Lisa's family of origin she was the last six children's. 05:39 So she was at home when nobody else is home 05:41 and she would see her mom in Pennsylvania 05:44 carrying up the garbage in the snow. 05:46 Now, of course, she only carried it down 05:48 five steps and put on the curve. 05:50 But her little girl heart, she thought well, 05:52 if my dad love my mom he would take 05:54 the garbage out for her. 05:57 Okay, now some how she just made this message up 05:59 in her heart because her mom 06:01 was probably taking up the garbage. 06:02 That was her arrangement. 06:03 Mom's sit home did that and dad went to work, okay. 06:05 That was back when that happen most everywhere, okay. 06:08 But she really though well, if man loves woman 06:10 he takes out the garbage. 06:11 So garbage equals love. 06:14 Now I know this is totally irrational, okay. 06:17 Well, but people have irrational association. 06:20 This isn't right or wrong but it was still irrational to me. 06:22 Now see in my family origin we had a very equalitarian 06:26 kind of garbage system, okay. 06:28 It didn't matter if you're male or female, 06:30 if you are parent or child it went like this. 06:33 The person who put the last thing in the garbage 06:36 where it fell over had to pick that up 06:38 and then take it out. 06:40 So sometimes it would, you know, stack up a foot 06:42 or so above the garbage can and then it would fall 06:45 and we would all laugh and that person 06:46 would take out the garbage. Okay. 06:48 So see I came from an equalitarian garbage system. 06:51 She really had this emotional attachment to men 06:54 should take our garbage system. 06:56 You see what I am saying? Yes. 06:57 So we were in conflict. 06:59 Now this is something that it sounds funny. 07:03 It sounds funny but it's-- 07:04 To talk about but this is really 07:06 what probably 50% of the-- I mean something of this type 07:10 for this nature is about 50% of the conflicts when couples 07:14 get married there is just like people associate 07:17 and give different values to different words. 07:20 Sure. And they were times 07:21 when J.D. would say something to me when we first got married. 07:24 And I would think boy, that doesn't sound to good, 07:28 you know, and I had to investigate 07:30 and as I would probe I would find out his value system 07:34 for that word was totally different then mine. 07:37 And I-- we could have 07:39 had a blow up over this but we didn't. 07:41 So when you talk about recognizing 07:45 that we all have conflict let's learn 07:48 how so we can take those conflicts and have a 10 minute 07:51 disagreement, fight fairly what are the steps. 07:55 Yeah, and again you right. 07:57 We're gonna fight mostly not about theology 07:59 we're gonna fight mostly 08:00 about silly stuff, toothpaste, toilets. 08:03 We squeeze it at the bottom or in the sinner. 08:04 Exactly. How you fold your shocks. 08:06 Do you fold them or do you like, 08:08 you know, roll them or whatever. 08:11 Now, we do have a--let me give a tip 08:12 to the I's in a minute. 08:14 And in my house we have rule. 08:15 I'm gonna give a tip. 08:17 In my house it's a rule like this, 08:18 if I do it I am doing it right. 08:21 If Lisa is doing it she's doing it right. 08:24 And if I or she complains we get to do it. 08:27 So if I am folding inset up rolling its fine. 08:32 You see what I am saying? Yes. 08:33 And if she wants to complaint about folding 08:35 or rolling then she gets this and fold the laundry. 08:37 Yeah, you know there is-- 08:39 So that saved us at least 500 arguments. 08:44 Now there's probably some woman out 08:45 their like me who had certain ways they like things done 08:49 and you've learned at least I learned from the beginning 08:51 I can't complain if he is doing so rather 08:54 than asking to do I just did it myself. 08:56 Sure. And then the busier 08:57 you get though you finally come to the idea. 08:59 You'll be flexible. 09:00 We do need to have the three fold, 09:03 if he wants to do two folding the top 09:05 that will work if I am too busy to fold in myself. 09:08 That's right you get flexible and that's a good thing. 09:10 Okay. Now we have 09:11 to acknowledge ever gonna fight. 09:13 Okay, so let's learn how to do well. 09:14 Okay. Okay and this is where we're 09:16 you gonna need your pens. 09:17 Okay, because it was actually form in the book 09:19 and if they email they can get other two so. 09:21 The form is this okay, you first write an idea 09:25 at the top of the paper. 09:26 What are we fighting about? One thing, okay. 09:29 Like let's take the garbage. 09:30 Unless first-- let me say this. 09:32 The word fight most people 09:34 have a very negative association to that word. 09:37 So fight doesn't mean this is this is the disagreement. 09:41 No this just, yeah. This is just how to solve a problem. 09:44 Okay. Okay let's do that way. 09:45 How to solve your problem? 09:47 There you go. 09:48 Okay at top of your page what the problem is, okay. 09:50 Right. So the problem 09:51 in this case you say the garbage, that's the problem. 09:54 It's not Lisa or me it's the garbage. 09:58 It's the problem, we got to solve 09:59 this garbage problem, okay. 10:01 Now the second step of this problem is really important 10:04 and our earlier show you and I talked 10:06 about how to do feelings. 10:07 Now to communicate feelings, okay. 10:09 Right. This is where this really 10:10 comes in handy because often times your fight 10:12 is not what's on the top of the page it's about 10:15 the feelings about what's on top on the page. 10:17 So for Lisa it wasn't about whether or not 10:20 who will take the garbage out. She would felt unloved. 10:22 She felt unloved. She would have 10:24 felt unimportant. Right. 10:25 She would have felt disrespected. 10:27 She would have felt confused 10:28 and I automatically read her mind, okay. 10:30 Taking out the garbage. 10:34 And so, so that's it. 10:36 She writes down her feelings. 10:37 Now so far we're not talking, we just wrote down 10:38 some on top of the paper. 10:40 She's writing down her feelings, okay. 10:42 And I wrote down my feelings. 10:44 I might have felt confused frustrated 10:47 and may be amazed that she wouldn't 10:50 want take out the garbage. It's perfectly healthy. 10:52 Take out the garbage, right. 10:53 Okay we now want to be equal if it comes to garbage, okay. 10:55 So we're all confused easily there. 10:58 Okay so now we wrote the problem, 11:00 step two, we wrote our feelings. 11:01 Okay, we're not talking yet, 11:03 we're writing it down. 11:05 So you're each writing a separate pieces of paper. 11:08 Separate piece of paper till you get really good at it. 11:10 I recommend you write down first. 11:12 Then the third step on our process 11:14 is to identify possible solutions. 11:17 Okay. Okay so solutions. 11:19 So she's writing solutions down I am writing solutions down. 11:22 So her solutions might be Doug takes out 11:24 the garbage or Doug takes out the garbage. 11:27 Okay, whatever now might be Dough 11:29 takes out the garbage, Lisa takes out the garbage, 11:31 one of the kids takes out the garbage, 11:32 we hire someone take out the garbage, 11:34 the garbage stays in garbage can whatever, okay. 11:36 So we both right down our solution, 11:37 so far we're still not talking. All right. 11:40 We just wrote down. 11:41 Now next probably talk, okay. 11:43 Your combined solutions, so we got identify the problem, 11:47 identify your feelings, identify solutions, 11:50 see where we're going. 11:51 Now we combined our solutions. 11:53 So together may be we have six solutions 'cause, 11:55 you know, someone of them are the same. 11:57 All right, now this is the fun part. 11:58 The last part is and so far we're still not talking. 12:02 So how do you have you shared-- 12:04 Well we talk just about there. 12:07 I am sorry, we did talk when combining our list, okay. 12:10 So we did talk about that. 12:11 We're not arguing about them 12:13 we're not fussing about them, we're just making a list. 12:14 All right. Okay, like grocery list, okay. 12:17 Make your list and then last part 12:18 is you also not talking you wrote. 12:21 So you take your little list you both have a copy of list 12:24 and you wrote one to ten. 12:26 One is I think this is really not a good idea. 12:28 Okay. Ten is I think 12:30 this is great idea. Okay, so one to ten. 12:34 Okay, now elevens never win. 12:36 Okay, if you think is great 12:38 and they think its one that's eleven that never wins, okay. 12:41 So what happens is you got the six options 12:44 your spouse is voting, you're voting, okay, 12:46 and now you what you do you take 12:48 the highest number and that wins. 12:52 Okay. And we're done 12:53 with the argument. Wow. 12:56 Without even discussing this. You don't really go into. 12:59 But now-- Now it takes all the fun out 13:01 of it doesn't it? Well now-- 13:02 Like I want in control, I want to give him 13:04 a few punches in there, I want bring out the past, 13:06 I want do with this issue, I want beat you 13:09 so that you capitulate to me. 13:10 You know, we're talking beating up 13:11 emotional, mentally, verbally. 13:14 But that doesn't solve a problem. 13:17 So are you saying that, you know, 13:19 first of all there's probably someone out 13:21 there who is saying I am not gonna sit down 13:23 and write this out but I would say to you 13:25 if it's that's simple and there is this little irritating issues 13:29 why not? I mean this would be something to and you did say 13:33 this is to begin with your doing this, 13:35 you learn how to do so it's not-- 13:36 Once you learned how to fight its great. 13:38 Because then you can say okay what's the problem? 13:40 What we're really talk about here, honey? 13:42 And I am saying, I really feel unloved, unearned, 13:46 I mean, unappreciated when you do such and such. 13:48 And whatever and then I will say well, 13:49 these are my feelings, here's our solutions 13:51 what we want to do? 13:52 But see this method is solution focused. 13:56 Okay. See the whole process 13:57 of conflict is to create a solution 13:59 so you're not to keep fighting. 14:01 That's where the whole program 14:03 what you said right there because 14:05 what people do is when they start fighting 14:08 they want to be right, they're not looking for, 14:11 they're wanting to win 14:12 and that's not how you resolve conflict. 14:14 Because the really the less bright idea 14:17 with more passion might win. Right. 14:20 Do you see what I'm saying? 14:21 You can get someone who has got a really 14:22 bad idea but they got more energy and more passion 14:25 and what they've done is they create a system 14:27 where the most passionate person wins. 14:29 Well, that is not good thinking. 14:31 So it is not supposed to be win-lose. 14:34 And plus you only--you usually dealing with only two options. 14:37 Okay. Mine and yours as supposed 14:40 to using both of our resources and coming with six or eight 14:43 and then figure out what you want to do. 14:46 Because see, now I am trying 14:48 to create solutions I am not trying to, 14:49 you know, block your head, punch you back emotionally 14:53 and then step back while you hit me. 14:55 See we're not doing any of that. 14:57 Now I know it is not as entertaining. 14:58 I know it's actually it this could be very boring 15:01 do the first couple of times. 15:03 Because you like this is no fun, 15:05 I didn't get-- I didn't get to use 15:07 any of my equipment, but most of equipments 15:11 are your flesh. Yes, yeah. 15:13 They're not the spirit. We are being quarrelsome. 15:16 Yeah, that's not the spirit. 15:17 The spirit has order. Amen, Amen. 15:20 You see what I am saying? 15:21 The spirit has a focus on solutions 15:23 towards the betterment of each person. 15:25 All right, but how do you take a couple 15:27 who have been married for many years 15:29 and their way of doing it is let's raise 15:34 the volume we're going to, you know, 15:38 and you see couples we counsel with some couples. 15:40 Oh, yeah, absolutely. 15:41 Who it's always it's the one up's men. 15:44 One day one person kind of got the upper hand 15:47 and then the next day the other one does 15:49 and then they have this power play going on all the time. 15:52 How do you take a couple like that who have been 15:55 practicing from the wrong way for many years 15:58 and get them to doing it the right way. 16:00 Of course I can. We say, just look at your scars. 16:02 Right. You guys have 16:04 hurt each other. Amen. 16:06 You guys have, you know, look at that. 16:07 Ten years ago you have a scare there. 16:08 Right. You have a scare 16:10 there in your heart, think you're sad. 16:11 See you want more scares, that's really which one to. 16:15 Is that what Jesus has called you to do. 16:16 Is to blood in your spouse? 16:20 No, its not, and you are gonna 16:22 be accountable for those bloods. Okay, so -- 16:24 And see if this were in the physical, 16:27 I mean if we saw someone literally slap 16:30 or hit their spouse, we identified 16:32 it immediately as sin and call 911 16:34 but when we see people who are making 16:38 the verbal assault and slapping them, 16:41 sometimes those wounds heel 16:42 whole lot more slowly than the others. 16:44 Yes, they can. We don't always stand up 16:47 and say, you know, this is not acceptable. 16:50 But, so how-- how does someone 16:52 like this--how do you get them to practice this? 16:54 That's exactly what I have been doing in my office. 16:56 Now of course they are paying 16:57 for me to help them, okay. Right. 16:58 3ABN loves you and they want you to get this for free 17:03 for just watching today. 17:04 Okay, so hope you took notices now. 17:06 So what you do is you actually write down that formula 17:09 the problem, the feelings, the solutions, the vote, 17:12 okay and you actually practice this. 17:14 I have people practice in my office says, 17:16 listen here is your form and give it to them. 17:18 I say no, okay, I want you guys 17:21 to--what's the problem you want to you want to solve. 17:24 Okay, great okay, I'm leaving my office. 17:26 You are still paying me I'm gonna leave 17:27 for five minutes you have five minutes 17:28 to figure out this fight. 17:30 Okay, I will come back 17:32 in five minutes you wil have this figured out. 17:34 And they go, they look at each other 17:36 but then they start fill out the paper and they go okay, 17:38 by the time I come back usually 17:39 they have a pretty good consensus on their vote. 17:43 You see what I am saying? 17:44 And second time I'm gonna leave again, 17:46 you go off you fight again. I will be back. 17:47 You are still paying me, I will be back. 17:49 And they are fighting again is not. 17:51 And they are fighting again on that paper. 17:52 And its always on papers, its not verbally, it's just-- 17:56 And they realize that they don't have to go through this, 17:57 you know, range and pumping up 18:00 and trying to out smart the other person 18:02 and stuff like that. Actually, 18:03 what I am doing is taking the best of you 18:05 and the best of me and putting it on paper, 18:07 instead of the worst of you and worst 18:09 of me in verbally exchanging. 18:12 Do you see what I am saying? 18:14 And do you ever have somebody 18:15 though that when they come to that as practical 18:17 as it sounds and as logical as it sounds. 18:19 Sure, sure, there are some people who just like to fight. 18:21 When they get to it though they are saying like oh, 18:23 yeah, this will be a compromise 18:25 that we both agreed to the solution, 18:26 but it's still not what I really want? 18:29 Oh, may not be your idea that wins 18:30 that's part of the process but you did vote. 18:35 And so-- And your vote counted. 18:37 I like this. And then, you know, 18:39 if he gave it a six or she gave it a seven 18:41 and that's the one that won, because you couldn't be on any 18:44 of others and that's the one that wins. 18:47 She says in about right, the system of that I got 18:49 to be right you got to be wrong, 18:50 I am bad you are good. 18:52 See it throws out all those negative tools 18:54 are being quarrelsome and gives you a tool 18:57 that you can actually walk in pieces, okay. 18:59 And here is the-- here is the fun part about this. 19:02 Once you make a decision, okay in a Ten Minute Marriage 19:05 we have you actually get a notebook somewhere 19:07 and keep track of decision you have made. 19:11 On this date we made such a decision, 19:12 you both sign off on it. 19:15 So that we call like a book of memory or book of decisions, 19:19 how we want to call it and so what you do 19:21 and so if you come back to that argument about 19:23 the garbage you can say wait a minute. 19:25 This sounds familiar lets go back, 19:28 you know, six months ago we already 19:30 decided on garbage. There it is. 19:32 Now, Doug, I can say-- 19:34 Do we need to do it again? 19:35 We can do it again but we probably 19:36 gonna come with the same thing. 19:38 I can see that this works on the small conflicts 19:42 but let me through one at you. 19:43 Okay. Let's say that, 19:47 we are trying to make a decision. 19:48 Our child has been home schooled 19:50 and now where its-- may be the wife 19:53 is going to work, and-- One ends that. 19:55 That ends that so we are trying to decide 19:58 if we want them to go to 19:59 Christian school or to public school. 20:01 And let's say, I am just role playing here 20:04 but let's say in this case the father says I think, 20:06 they need to go to public school. 20:07 While they are still living at home we can monitor 20:11 what's going on in their life's 20:13 and let them get exposed to the world 20:14 while we still have influence. 20:15 And the wife is saying no I really 20:17 don't want them expose to that, 20:19 they are too young they need to go in Christian school. 20:21 Can you sit down? Now, see you are actually 20:23 bringing up another conversation 20:24 because that's like a government issue. 20:26 See they're gonna fight about 20:27 this they don't have a government. 20:29 Because if it's a monarchy and the guy thinks 20:30 he is the king, he is gonna think she should skip and sleep. 20:32 If she thinks she is in a democracy 20:34 she's gonna keep going out in forever. 20:35 I know we talked about that on a different show 20:37 about the government and it's in the book as well. 20:39 That--that one could be a tough so you could still write, 20:43 okay where the kid goes to school, 20:44 you could write this down. 20:45 But see there is only two options. 20:47 All right, so this has. 20:49 And so that one he is gonna vote his, 20:51 and you gonna vote yours and you still 20:52 gonna be locked even in that system. 20:54 Okay, now, in that situation 20:56 if you don't have a government establish, 20:57 you are going to argue forever. 20:59 Now what you may want to do is bring in either pastor, 21:02 counselor or spiritual people in your community 21:05 and try to get the heart of God in this decision. 21:09 All right. Do you see what I am saying? 21:10 Right. Because they got a big one 21:11 and only got two options and so you can come down 21:13 and she is gonna vote her way, 21:14 he is gonna his way and its not gonna work. 21:15 So, the ten minute fight, that we are talking about 21:20 here on paper is good for something that has more than 21:25 two options but if it gets down 21:26 to whether it's either one or the other 21:28 this isn't going to be practical? 21:30 No, no, no, this will work, you see, 21:31 that's more into your government. 21:32 That would turn you back into government 21:34 and also the big decisions, like who takes out 21:37 the garbage, really I'm not sure God 21:38 is all that excited about that. 21:40 Okay, He might give you a word of knowledge okay 21:42 but probably you can figure this out, okay. 21:46 And might be careful about that, so but the thing about 21:49 whether you kid goes to school or something 21:51 like that where you leave or where you go to church 21:53 those are bigger things. 21:54 And those decisions its okay to bring other people 21:57 in and process with and trying 21:59 to the hear the voice of God. 22:01 You see what I am saying? And there is wisdom 22:02 in a multitude of counselors, the Bible says. There is, 22:04 you know, and if you are seeking godly council 22:06 because people have different believes 22:08 about both those thinks you have mentioned 22:09 and they are very strong believes. 22:11 Some of them the most religious beliefs about 22:13 what you should do with your kids, okay. 22:15 And again most of that is an emotional thing, 22:21 okay, that then they uses their minds to rationalize 22:24 why they emotionally believe that. 22:26 Now let me ask you a question that sounds strange 22:29 but when you are introducing this to couples of course, 22:32 you have got the minute environment 22:33 where they are paying for you and they are following you. 22:35 Yeah, I would do the conference or something like that, 22:37 and hand out the sheet and say okay, 22:38 now you guys practice a fight and I will watch. 22:41 No hitting and they will laugh, 22:43 but they actually consult problems. 22:45 Its seed in my mind, it would see 22:47 my most women would say, oh, yeah I will be ready to do this. 22:51 Immediately accepting this and my mind--I can see most men 22:55 kind of rolling their eyes and saying, complicated. 22:58 I don't have that experience. 22:59 You don't have that experience, that's interesting. 23:00 I don't know may be this world view of men 23:02 that may not be exactly, men love to learn 23:06 and they really don't want to be fussing 23:07 with the wife for 25 years. All right. 23:09 It is not fun for us either and then also means 23:11 less opportunities for other things in our life 23:14 and so it's not fun for us, okay. 23:15 We like to streamline things as soon as possible. 23:18 So men look at them and then they go oh, that's a good thing. 23:19 I can--I can we can fight when we are done, 23:22 it can ruin our day. 23:24 Let's just fight checking out the box when you're over with. 23:27 Do you know what I am saying? 23:28 Instead of spending all night and you don't like me at night, 23:30 and we wakeup the next day and we still like, 23:31 we got three days in this mood, so you punish me, 23:34 we don't want to go through all that. 23:37 We want to solve the problem. 23:40 What's the strangest thing that you have ever seen, 23:43 one of the strangest arguments you've ever seen 23:45 that in your counseling sessions that people had to go through 23:50 this and may be had a little bit of difficulty 23:52 in selecting the voting and in selecting the-- 23:56 Well, there is lot of things. 23:57 I mean there is purchases, there is pets, 23:59 there is even things as far as fighting about 24:03 whether some one should be in their life or not. 24:07 You know, particularly may be as a friend 24:08 they had an ice scoop but it's not 24:09 a good influence for now in your 30's. 24:11 Shall that person really be in your life? 24:13 They gonna walk through that process. 24:15 They might navigate well, you know, may be, 24:17 may be you can see that person once every 24:19 so often and they gonna make their list. 24:20 You know, see them ever so often, 24:22 not see them at all, see them 24:23 only with the spouse blah-blah-blah. 24:25 Only in public places that don't include alcohol or whatever. 24:29 You see what I am saying? 24:30 That's really make the list and check that off 24:31 and try to figure that out for them for that couple. 24:34 That's interesting. So yeah, 24:35 so you got all kinds of things you could fuss about. 24:38 You know what I am saying? 24:39 And so but having a tool that can help you bring 24:44 the best resources of him and her because 24:47 I am gonna expect that you probably 24:50 marry someone who is intelligent. 24:51 Right. Okay, at least 24:52 you thought so when you married right. 24:53 then its only after marriage that sometimes 24:56 the intelligence of our spouse declines. 24:59 It comes into question again. 25:00 Yes, okay. And so what this does 25:03 is it allows you to return to that respect 25:06 of your spouse's resourcefulness. 25:09 That's good. I can respect 25:10 that Lisa could help with ideas 25:11 and so she will solve the problem. 25:12 She can respect that I can and together 25:15 we usually come up with some pretty good ideas 25:17 and some if we are arguing about, 25:19 you know, like just fuss 25:20 we want to come up with the solutions. 25:22 That's good. Because we are been 25:23 defending ourselves and trying to outthink the other person. 25:25 Now I can calmly think down, bang, bang, bang here 25:29 is the ideas, great and let's work through this. 25:31 It also helps you to--to have to recognize your own feelings. 25:35 Let me go through, I am gonna recap this, 25:38 on the ten minute conflict resolution, 25:42 the fight is that a top of the sheet you write down 25:47 the problem then the next section 25:49 is you are writing about your feelings. 25:52 So you have to identify your feelings 25:54 and then the next thing is you are listing out 25:57 several solutions as many as you can think of then, 26:00 you look without-- you not having been 26:02 talking but then you are looking now at the solutions 26:05 and I am might go through and think your idea, 26:07 that's a one not being very good, 26:10 this next one is a tin maybe but we go through 26:13 and we write these and then add up 26:15 and lets say that there is-- I may give us problem 26:19 or solution a one saying I don't like 26:21 it where you may have given it 10 because 26:23 that is your idea, so that only 11. 26:25 But then if we both have found one on each others list 26:28 that we think that's an eight 26:29 and I have voted an eight, it's a 16 so it wins. 26:32 It wins. Right. 26:34 That sounds almost simple. 26:35 It does take the fun out of fighting. 26:38 So do solve a lot more problems. 26:40 You see, once you start 26:41 solving problems, then when the conflict 26:43 comes up, you know that the agenda 26:45 is to solve the problem not to attack 26:47 and beat up your spouse. 26:49 And the whole idea is that once you get this 26:52 when you practice this for a while then it becomes 26:56 that you don't-- the papers 26:57 unnecessary after a while. 26:59 You can sit and talk about the various solutions 27:02 and ways to resolve the conflict. 27:04 And that feeling thing is important because 27:05 if you don't know how the other person feels 27:06 you might be fighting about a feeling not knowing it. 27:10 And then those discussions goes for hours. 27:12 Who would think, who would think 27:14 that someone might feel unloved 27:15 if you didn't take out the garbage? 27:17 You know, honestly it took me a while to catch that one. 27:19 Well, praise God that you win. 27:22 Thank you so much for being with us, 27:24 Doug, and we look forward to you returning. 27:26 Thank you. Thank you, 27:27 for those of you at home, I hope you did have a pencil 27:30 and paper out this, this sounds like 27:32 its too good to be true but this is a man 27:35 who knows because he is put it into practice in his own life 27:38 and he also has taught many people 27:41 how to not be quarrelsome over conflict 27:45 but just to sit down and resolve 27:47 it just very simply in ten minutes. 27:49 So hope that you will put 27:51 that into practice in your life. 27:53 That's for joining us. |
Revised 2014-12-17