Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
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and welcome again to
"Issues and Answers."
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Today, we've got an exciting
issue and that is How to Fight.
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Now you might say Christians
are not supposed to fight.
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Paul even wrote in Timothy
to Timothy in Timothy 2:24.
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He said "The servant of the Lord
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must not be quarrelsome."
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Well, you know,
some people say well,
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Paul wasn't married to my wife.
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But that we all
though have conflict
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and we need to learn how to
resolve our conflicts in a way
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that is a Christian manner
and that's not harmful to other.
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Please welcome
with me our returning
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guest Dr. Douglas Weiss.
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Doug, we so glad
that you're back.
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Good to be here, Shelley.
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And, you know, I
always like to kind
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of give you little
introduction in the beginning
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because some people may not have
seen some of the other program
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you've done on 3ABN
and you are a psychologist.
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You have actually
four degrees, two in Bible
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and one in family
counseling in psychology.
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You're the author of 20 books.
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Tell us little bit about your
practice in Colorado Springs.
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Well, we have a
counseling center
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with Christian counselors.
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We do telephone counseling,
we do 3-day intensives,
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we do a lot with addictions,
we do lot with marriage
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and issues, written
three books on marriage.
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And we've love to see peoples
marriages better stronger,
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so that they can
tease non-Christians
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into believing that
faith makes a difference.
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Amen. And faith
does make a difference
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when you have faith in
God's way of doing things
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and I think that as we
started our program God
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doesn't want us to be
having not down drag out fights
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and saying hateful
things with one another.
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And in your book The Ten
Minute Marriage Principle
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you talked about how
to have a 10 minute fight.
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We're talking about disagreement
about resolving conflict.
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Absolutely. We
all have conflict.
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Right in conflicts,
you know, for some people
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is a noddy bad word.
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Okay, conflicts gonna happen,
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you know, when God created
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the heavens and earth.
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In other words conflict because
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there was change and
systems were changing.
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You know what I am saying? Yes.
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Okay, conflict is a good thing.
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Conflict attributes to growth.
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It is growth if you
handle it appropriately.
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Okay. Now a lot
of us did not had
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a fight fear, did
not had a fight will.
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Some of us learned
actually how to fight poorly
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in destructive in our families.
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You know, to get
the last word in always
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one up the other
person, bring up all the past.
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Of course scripture says
don't bring up the past, right.
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But, you know, you know,
let's bring it up anyway.
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The scripture also says
that, love is not a scorekeeper.
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It's not-- doesn't
keep record of wrongs.
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You're right, doesn't
keep record of wrongs, right.
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But when you fight, see
if you learned dysfunctional
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fighting then really
you throw everything out
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there you just
do your own thing.
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Right. Okay, and
that kind of fleshly
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kind of fighting is exactly
what the scripture is saying.
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Don't do that. Don't do the kind
of fighting that causes pain,
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shame because, you know,
when you say those nasty things
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out of your mouth
you feel shame about it.
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Then if you don't
have the character
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to ask
forgiveness you keep that.
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But you know that the Bible
also tells us in Proverbs 18:21
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"That there is
the power of death
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and life in the tongue."
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In sometimes the words have
such power that once you say
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very cut remark even if you
come back and you are sincerely
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asking for forgiveness,
your sincerely sorry those words
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almost have a life of their own.
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They can cut, they can wound
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and they can
take sometime to heal.
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So we want to
know how to flight fair
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because if you are in marriage,
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you're married to
someone different than you.
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Absolutely. They
thing differently than you.
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One is man, one is woman.
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They feel differently than
you, they're different gender
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than you, they have a different
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family words and
different history,
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a different--sometimes even
different values in some areas.
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You know that are
necessarily right or wrong,
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but they are different.
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You know, let me
give you classic example
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in my marriage, okay.
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And then we'll get
into how to actually
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do this in encourage
people to practice at home,
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okay because we want
people to fight well.
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I want you to
know how to fight well.
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Get a pen and paper
because we need you to write
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some things down in just
a couple of minutes, okay.
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Now here's an example.
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Me and Lisa married probably
our first year of marriage okay.
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I am in seminary, I am thinking
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full lot of
seminary, I am working
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40 to 50 hours a week,
okay, so pretty tough schedule.
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She's working, okay.
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She worked the day
shift, I worked the night shift
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that' how we
exchange one car, okay.
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So we had this issue about
garbage come up periodically
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in our marriage and one day.
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You're talking about like
who takes out the garbage?
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You are talking
about the garbage, okay.
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And so one day I am dashing out
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of the apartment because
I am-- I got to get to work,
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she just came home
and dash out to work
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and she goes like don't
forget take out the garbage.
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I said, now she's gonna be
home the whole next eight hours.
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You know what I am saying?
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And the garbage is,
you know, just taking down
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the steps
putting in the dumpsters.
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Not like it's, you
know, six blocks away, okay.
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And so I said, I don't
know what this garbage issue is.
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But, when I come home
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we are going to deal
with this thing, okay.
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And so we are unraveled
this incredible package, okay.
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See in Lisa's family of origin
she was the last six children's.
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So she was at home
when nobody else is home
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and she would see
her mom in Pennsylvania
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carrying up the
garbage in the snow.
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Now, of course, she
only carried it down
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five steps and put on the curve.
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But her little girl
heart, she thought well,
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if my dad love
my mom he would take
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the garbage out for her.
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Okay, now some how she
just made this message up
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in her heart because her mom
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was probably
taking up the garbage.
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That was her arrangement.
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Mom's sit home did that
and dad went to work, okay.
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That was back when that
happen most everywhere, okay.
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But she really though
well, if man loves woman
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he takes out the garbage.
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So garbage equals love.
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Now I know this is
totally irrational, okay.
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Well, but people have
irrational association.
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This isn't right or wrong but
it was still irrational to me.
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Now see in my family origin
we had a very equalitarian
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kind of garbage system, okay.
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It didn't matter if
you're male or female,
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if you are parent or
child it went like this.
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The person who put the
last thing in the garbage
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where it fell over
had to pick that up
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and then take it out.
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So sometimes it would,
you know, stack up a foot
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or so above the garbage
can and then it would fall
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and we would all
laugh and that person
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would take out
the garbage. Okay.
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So see I came from an
equalitarian garbage system.
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She really had this
emotional attachment to men
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should take our garbage system.
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You see what I am saying? Yes.
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So we were in conflict.
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Now this is
something that it sounds funny.
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It sounds funny but it's--
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To talk about but this is really
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what probably 50% of the--
I mean something of this type
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for this nature is about 50%
of the conflicts when couples
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get married there is
just like people associate
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and give different
values to different words.
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Sure. And they were times
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when J.D. would say something
to me when we first got married.
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And I would think boy,
that doesn't sound to good,
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you know, and I
had to investigate
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and as I would probe I
would find out his value system
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for that word was
totally different then mine.
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And I-- we could have
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had a blow up over
this but we didn't.
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So when you talk
about recognizing
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that we all have
conflict let's learn
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how so we can take those
conflicts and have a 10 minute
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disagreement, fight
fairly what are the steps.
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Yeah, and again you right.
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We're gonna fight
mostly not about theology
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we're gonna fight mostly
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about silly stuff,
toothpaste, toilets.
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We squeeze it at the
bottom or in the sinner.
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Exactly. How you
fold your shocks.
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Do you fold them or do you like,
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you know, roll them or whatever.
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Now, we do have
a--let me give a tip
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to the I's in a minute.
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And in my house we have rule.
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I'm gonna give a tip.
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In my house it's
a rule like this,
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if I do it I am doing it right.
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If Lisa is doing it
she's doing it right.
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And if I or she
complains we get to do it.
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So if I am folding
inset up rolling its fine.
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You see what I am saying? Yes.
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And if she wants to
complaint about folding
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or rolling then she gets
this and fold the laundry.
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Yeah, you know there is--
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So that saved us at
least 500 arguments.
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Now there's
probably some woman out
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their like me who had certain
ways they like things done
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and you've learned at least
I learned from the beginning
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I can't complain if
he is doing so rather
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than asking to do
I just did it myself.
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Sure. And then the busier
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you get though you
finally come to the idea.
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You'll be flexible.
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We do need to
have the three fold,
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if he wants to do
two folding the top
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that will work if I am
too busy to fold in myself.
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That's right you get flexible
and that's a good thing.
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Okay. Now we have
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to acknowledge ever gonna fight.
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Okay, so let's
learn how to do well.
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Okay. Okay and
this is where we're
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you gonna need your pens.
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Okay, because it was
actually form in the book
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and if they email
they can get other two so.
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The form is this okay,
you first write an idea
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at the top of the paper.
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What are we fighting
about? One thing, okay.
00:09:26.21\00:09:29.09
Like let's take the garbage.
00:09:29.12\00:09:30.27
Unless first-- let me say this.
00:09:30.30\00:09:32.27
The word fight most people
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have a very negative
association to that word.
00:09:34.20\00:09:37.54
So fight doesn't mean this
is this is the disagreement.
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No this just, yeah. This is
just how to solve a problem.
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Okay. Okay let's do that way.
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How to solve your problem?
00:09:45.92\00:09:47.72
There you go.
00:09:47.75\00:09:48.82
Okay at top of your page
what the problem is, okay.
00:09:48.85\00:09:50.78
Right. So the problem
00:09:50.81\00:09:51.91
in this case you say the
garbage, that's the problem.
00:09:51.94\00:09:54.73
It's not Lisa or
me it's the garbage.
00:09:54.76\00:09:58.25
It's the
problem, we got to solve
00:09:58.28\00:09:59.45
this garbage problem, okay.
00:09:59.48\00:10:01.17
Now the second step of
this problem is really important
00:10:01.20\00:10:04.23
and our earlier
show you and I talked
00:10:04.26\00:10:06.67
about how to do feelings.
00:10:06.70\00:10:07.73
Now to
communicate feelings, okay.
00:10:07.76\00:10:09.04
Right. This is where this really
00:10:09.07\00:10:10.38
comes in handy
because often times your fight
00:10:10.41\00:10:12.81
is not what's on the
top of the page it's about
00:10:12.84\00:10:15.71
the feelings about
what's on top on the page.
00:10:15.74\00:10:17.69
So for Lisa it
wasn't about whether or not
00:10:17.72\00:10:20.43
who will take the garbage
out. She would felt unloved.
00:10:20.46\00:10:22.94
She felt unloved. She would have
00:10:22.97\00:10:24.00
felt unimportant. Right.
00:10:24.03\00:10:25.48
She would have
felt disrespected.
00:10:25.51\00:10:27.12
She would have felt confused
00:10:27.15\00:10:28.18
and I automatically
read her mind, okay.
00:10:28.21\00:10:30.82
Taking out the garbage.
00:10:30.85\00:10:34.42
And so, so that's it.
00:10:34.45\00:10:35.97
She writes down her feelings.
00:10:36.00\00:10:37.03
Now so far we're not
talking, we just wrote down
00:10:37.06\00:10:38.59
some on top of the paper.
00:10:38.62\00:10:40.22
She's writing down
her feelings, okay.
00:10:40.25\00:10:42.22
And I wrote down my feelings.
00:10:42.25\00:10:44.08
I might have felt
confused frustrated
00:10:44.11\00:10:47.01
and may be
amazed that she wouldn't
00:10:47.04\00:10:50.50
want take out the
garbage. It's perfectly healthy.
00:10:50.53\00:10:52.15
Take out the garbage, right.
00:10:52.18\00:10:53.21
Okay we now want to be equal
if it comes to garbage, okay.
00:10:53.24\00:10:55.31
So we're all
confused easily there.
00:10:55.34\00:10:58.55
Okay so now we
wrote the problem,
00:10:58.58\00:11:00.40
step two, we wrote our feelings.
00:11:00.43\00:11:01.71
Okay, we're not talking yet,
00:11:01.74\00:11:03.92
we're writing it down.
00:11:03.95\00:11:05.61
So you're each writing a
separate pieces of paper.
00:11:05.64\00:11:08.61
Separate piece of paper
till you get really good at it.
00:11:08.64\00:11:10.58
I recommend you
write down first.
00:11:10.61\00:11:12.10
Then the third
step on our process
00:11:12.13\00:11:14.52
is to identify
possible solutions.
00:11:14.55\00:11:17.61
Okay. Okay so solutions.
00:11:17.64\00:11:19.42
So she's writing solutions down
I am writing solutions down.
00:11:19.45\00:11:22.73
So her solutions
might be Doug takes out
00:11:22.76\00:11:24.60
the garbage or Doug
takes out the garbage.
00:11:24.63\00:11:27.18
Okay, whatever
now might be Dough
00:11:27.21\00:11:29.84
takes out the garbage,
Lisa takes out the garbage,
00:11:29.87\00:11:31.53
one of the kids
takes out the garbage,
00:11:31.56\00:11:32.59
we hire someone
take out the garbage,
00:11:32.62\00:11:34.15
the garbage stays in
garbage can whatever, okay.
00:11:34.18\00:11:36.00
So we both right
down our solution,
00:11:36.03\00:11:37.91
so far we're still
not talking. All right.
00:11:37.94\00:11:39.98
We just wrote down.
00:11:40.01\00:11:41.08
Now next probably talk, okay.
00:11:41.11\00:11:43.29
Your combined solutions, so
we got identify the problem,
00:11:43.32\00:11:47.14
identify your
feelings, identify solutions,
00:11:47.17\00:11:50.02
see where we're going.
00:11:50.05\00:11:51.15
Now we combined our solutions.
00:11:51.18\00:11:53.19
So together may be we
have six solutions 'cause,
00:11:53.22\00:11:55.63
you know, someone
of them are the same.
00:11:55.66\00:11:57.28
All right, now
this is the fun part.
00:11:57.31\00:11:58.69
The last part is and so
far we're still not talking.
00:11:58.72\00:12:02.41
So how do you have you shared--
00:12:02.44\00:12:04.79
Well we talk just about there.
00:12:04.82\00:12:07.12
I am sorry, we did talk
when combining our list, okay.
00:12:07.15\00:12:10.69
So we did talk about that.
00:12:10.72\00:12:11.89
We're not arguing about them
00:12:11.92\00:12:13.07
we're not fussing about
them, we're just making a list.
00:12:13.10\00:12:14.80
All right. Okay,
like grocery list, okay.
00:12:14.83\00:12:17.07
Make your list
and then last part
00:12:17.10\00:12:18.55
is you also not
talking you wrote.
00:12:18.58\00:12:21.49
So you take your little list
you both have a copy of list
00:12:21.52\00:12:24.21
and you wrote one to ten.
00:12:24.24\00:12:26.22
One is I think this is
really not a good idea.
00:12:26.25\00:12:28.86
Okay. Ten is I think
00:12:28.89\00:12:30.88
this is great idea.
Okay, so one to ten.
00:12:30.91\00:12:34.77
Okay, now elevens never win.
00:12:34.80\00:12:36.92
Okay, if you think is great
00:12:36.95\00:12:38.19
and they think its one that's
eleven that never wins, okay.
00:12:38.22\00:12:41.07
So what happens is
you got the six options
00:12:41.10\00:12:44.19
your spouse is
voting, you're voting, okay,
00:12:44.22\00:12:46.80
and now you what you do you take
00:12:46.83\00:12:48.92
the highest
number and that wins.
00:12:48.95\00:12:52.07
Okay. And we're done
00:12:52.10\00:12:53.22
with the argument. Wow.
00:12:53.25\00:12:56.37
Without even discussing
this. You don't really go into.
00:12:56.40\00:12:59.80
But now-- Now it
takes all the fun out
00:12:59.83\00:13:01.52
of it doesn't it? Well now--
00:13:01.55\00:13:02.93
Like I want in
control, I want to give him
00:13:02.96\00:13:04.52
a few punches in there,
I want bring out the past,
00:13:04.55\00:13:06.76
I want do with this
issue, I want beat you
00:13:06.79\00:13:09.28
so that you capitulate to me.
00:13:09.31\00:13:10.79
You know, we're
talking beating up
00:13:10.82\00:13:11.91
emotional, mentally, verbally.
00:13:11.94\00:13:14.66
But that
doesn't solve a problem.
00:13:14.69\00:13:17.59
So are you
saying that, you know,
00:13:17.62\00:13:19.61
first of all
there's probably someone out
00:13:19.64\00:13:21.26
there who is saying
I am not gonna sit down
00:13:21.29\00:13:23.23
and write this out
but I would say to you
00:13:23.26\00:13:25.07
if it's that's simple and there
is this little irritating issues
00:13:25.10\00:13:29.75
why not? I mean this would
be something to and you did say
00:13:29.78\00:13:33.11
this is to begin
with your doing this,
00:13:33.14\00:13:35.26
you learn how
to do so it's not--
00:13:35.29\00:13:36.89
Once you learned
how to fight its great.
00:13:36.92\00:13:38.34
Because then you can
say okay what's the problem?
00:13:38.37\00:13:40.70
What we're really
talk about here, honey?
00:13:40.73\00:13:42.64
And I am saying, I
really feel unloved, unearned,
00:13:42.67\00:13:46.04
I mean, unappreciated
when you do such and such.
00:13:46.07\00:13:48.53
And whatever and
then I will say well,
00:13:48.56\00:13:49.92
these are my
feelings, here's our solutions
00:13:49.95\00:13:51.40
what we want to do?
00:13:51.43\00:13:52.81
But see this method
is solution focused.
00:13:52.84\00:13:56.17
Okay. See the whole process
00:13:56.20\00:13:57.74
of conflict is
to create a solution
00:13:57.77\00:13:59.48
so you're not to keep fighting.
00:13:59.51\00:14:01.48
That's where the whole program
00:14:01.51\00:14:03.54
what you said
right there because
00:14:03.57\00:14:05.46
what people do is
when they start fighting
00:14:05.49\00:14:08.64
they want to be right,
they're not looking for,
00:14:08.67\00:14:11.27
they're wanting to win
00:14:11.30\00:14:12.38
and that's not how
you resolve conflict.
00:14:12.41\00:14:14.86
Because the really
the less bright idea
00:14:14.89\00:14:17.04
with more
passion might win. Right.
00:14:17.07\00:14:20.46
Do you see what I'm saying?
00:14:20.49\00:14:21.52
You can get someone
who has got a really
00:14:21.55\00:14:22.79
bad idea but they got
more energy and more passion
00:14:22.82\00:14:25.67
and what they've done
is they create a system
00:14:25.70\00:14:27.38
where the most
passionate person wins.
00:14:27.41\00:14:29.22
Well, that is not good thinking.
00:14:29.25\00:14:31.59
So it is not
supposed to be win-lose.
00:14:31.62\00:14:34.85
And plus you only--you usually
dealing with only two options.
00:14:34.88\00:14:37.87
Okay. Mine and yours as supposed
00:14:37.90\00:14:40.85
to using both of our resources
and coming with six or eight
00:14:40.88\00:14:43.88
and then figure out
what you want to do.
00:14:43.91\00:14:46.82
Because see, now I am trying
00:14:46.85\00:14:47.99
to create
solutions I am not trying to,
00:14:48.02\00:14:49.60
you know, block your
head, punch you back emotionally
00:14:49.63\00:14:53.40
and then step
back while you hit me.
00:14:53.43\00:14:55.21
See we're not doing any of that.
00:14:55.24\00:14:57.26
Now I know it is
not as entertaining.
00:14:57.29\00:14:58.58
I know it's actually it
this could be very boring
00:14:58.61\00:15:01.66
do the first couple of times.
00:15:01.69\00:15:03.58
Because you like this is no fun,
00:15:03.61\00:15:05.17
I didn't get-- I
didn't get to use
00:15:05.20\00:15:07.52
any of my equipment,
but most of equipments
00:15:07.55\00:15:11.24
are your flesh. Yes, yeah.
00:15:11.27\00:15:13.65
They're not the spirit.
We are being quarrelsome.
00:15:13.68\00:15:15.26
Yeah, that's not the spirit.
00:15:16.56\00:15:17.65
The spirit has
order. Amen, Amen.
00:15:17.68\00:15:20.04
You see what I am saying?
00:15:20.07\00:15:21.29
The spirit has a
focus on solutions
00:15:21.32\00:15:23.15
towards the
betterment of each person.
00:15:23.18\00:15:25.81
All right, but how
do you take a couple
00:15:25.84\00:15:27.64
who have been
married for many years
00:15:27.67\00:15:29.83
and their way of
doing it is let's raise
00:15:29.86\00:15:34.23
the volume we're
going to, you know,
00:15:34.26\00:15:38.09
and you see couples we
counsel with some couples.
00:15:38.12\00:15:40.77
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
00:15:40.80\00:15:41.83
Who it's always
it's the one up's men.
00:15:41.86\00:15:44.53
One day one person
kind of got the upper hand
00:15:44.56\00:15:47.68
and then the next
day the other one does
00:15:47.71\00:15:49.12
and then they have this power
play going on all the time.
00:15:49.15\00:15:52.41
How do you take a
couple like that who have been
00:15:52.44\00:15:55.43
practicing from the
wrong way for many years
00:15:55.46\00:15:58.61
and get them to
doing it the right way.
00:15:58.64\00:16:00.43
Of course I can. We
say, just look at your scars.
00:16:00.46\00:16:02.61
Right. You guys have
00:16:02.64\00:16:04.37
hurt each other. Amen.
00:16:04.40\00:16:06.06
You guys have, you
know, look at that.
00:16:06.09\00:16:07.35
Ten years ago you
have a scare there.
00:16:07.38\00:16:08.81
Right. You have a scare
00:16:08.84\00:16:10.00
there in your
heart, think you're sad.
00:16:10.03\00:16:11.82
See you want more scares,
that's really which one to.
00:16:11.85\00:16:15.38
Is that what Jesus
has called you to do.
00:16:15.41\00:16:16.92
Is to blood in your spouse?
00:16:16.95\00:16:20.10
No, its not, and you are gonna
00:16:20.13\00:16:22.01
be accountable for
those bloods. Okay, so --
00:16:22.04\00:16:24.43
And see if this
were in the physical,
00:16:24.46\00:16:27.13
I mean if we saw
someone literally slap
00:16:27.16\00:16:30.31
or hit their
spouse, we identified
00:16:30.34\00:16:32.32
it immediately
as sin and call 911
00:16:32.35\00:16:34.95
but when we see
people who are making
00:16:34.98\00:16:38.74
the verbal
assault and slapping them,
00:16:38.77\00:16:41.25
sometimes those wounds heel
00:16:41.28\00:16:42.85
whole lot more
slowly than the others.
00:16:42.88\00:16:44.82
Yes, they can. We
don't always stand up
00:16:44.85\00:16:47.34
and say, you know,
this is not acceptable.
00:16:47.37\00:16:50.10
But, so how-- how does someone
00:16:50.13\00:16:52.36
like this--how do you
get them to practice this?
00:16:52.39\00:16:54.85
That's exactly what I
have been doing in my office.
00:16:54.88\00:16:56.29
Now of course they are paying
00:16:56.32\00:16:57.37
for me to help
them, okay. Right.
00:16:57.40\00:16:58.88
3ABN loves you and they
want you to get this for free
00:16:58.91\00:17:03.01
for just watching today.
00:17:03.04\00:17:04.46
Okay, so hope
you took notices now.
00:17:04.49\00:17:06.03
So what you do is you
actually write down that formula
00:17:06.06\00:17:09.00
the problem, the feelings,
the solutions, the vote,
00:17:09.03\00:17:12.33
okay and you
actually practice this.
00:17:12.36\00:17:14.79
I have people
practice in my office says,
00:17:14.82\00:17:16.72
listen here is your
form and give it to them.
00:17:16.75\00:17:18.76
I say no, okay, I want you guys
00:17:18.79\00:17:21.05
to--what's the problem
you want to you want to solve.
00:17:21.08\00:17:24.11
Okay, great okay,
I'm leaving my office.
00:17:24.14\00:17:25.97
You are still
paying me I'm gonna leave
00:17:26.00\00:17:27.03
for five minutes
you have five minutes
00:17:27.06\00:17:28.41
to figure out this fight.
00:17:28.44\00:17:30.95
Okay, I will come back
00:17:30.98\00:17:32.01
in five minutes you
wil have this figured out.
00:17:32.04\00:17:34.31
And they go, they
look at each other
00:17:34.34\00:17:36.76
but then they start fill
out the paper and they go okay,
00:17:36.79\00:17:38.79
by the time I come back usually
00:17:38.82\00:17:39.86
they have a pretty good
consensus on their vote.
00:17:39.89\00:17:43.88
You see what I am saying?
00:17:43.91\00:17:44.94
And second time
I'm gonna leave again,
00:17:44.97\00:17:46.00
you go off you fight
again. I will be back.
00:17:46.03\00:17:47.78
You are still
paying me, I will be back.
00:17:47.81\00:17:49.57
And they are
fighting again is not.
00:17:49.60\00:17:51.12
And they are
fighting again on that paper.
00:17:51.15\00:17:52.64
And its always on papers,
its not verbally, it's just--
00:17:52.67\00:17:56.01
And they realize that they
don't have to go through this,
00:17:56.04\00:17:57.63
you know, range and pumping up
00:17:57.66\00:18:00.89
and trying to out
smart the other person
00:18:00.92\00:18:02.64
and stuff like that. Actually,
00:18:02.67\00:18:03.74
what I am doing is
taking the best of you
00:18:03.77\00:18:05.06
and the best of me
and putting it on paper,
00:18:05.09\00:18:07.94
instead of the
worst of you and worst
00:18:07.97\00:18:09.44
of me in verbally exchanging.
00:18:09.47\00:18:12.92
Do you see what I am saying?
00:18:12.95\00:18:14.05
And do you ever have somebody
00:18:14.08\00:18:15.25
though that when they
come to that as practical
00:18:15.28\00:18:17.34
as it sounds and as
logical as it sounds.
00:18:17.37\00:18:19.70
Sure, sure, there are some
people who just like to fight.
00:18:19.73\00:18:21.15
When they get to it
though they are saying like oh,
00:18:21.18\00:18:23.51
yeah, this will be a compromise
00:18:23.54\00:18:24.98
that we both
agreed to the solution,
00:18:25.01\00:18:26.81
but it's still not
what I really want?
00:18:26.84\00:18:29.32
Oh, may not be
your idea that wins
00:18:29.35\00:18:30.72
that's part of the
process but you did vote.
00:18:30.75\00:18:35.66
And so-- And your vote counted.
00:18:35.69\00:18:37.78
I like this. And then, you know,
00:18:37.81\00:18:39.50
if he gave it a six
or she gave it a seven
00:18:39.53\00:18:41.23
and that's the one that won,
because you couldn't be on any
00:18:41.26\00:18:44.85
of others and
that's the one that wins.
00:18:44.88\00:18:47.45
She says in about
right, the system of that I got
00:18:47.48\00:18:49.82
to be right you got to be wrong,
00:18:49.85\00:18:50.94
I am bad you are good.
00:18:50.97\00:18:52.18
See it throws out
all those negative tools
00:18:52.21\00:18:54.51
are being
quarrelsome and gives you a tool
00:18:54.54\00:18:57.66
that you can
actually walk in pieces, okay.
00:18:57.69\00:18:59.95
And here is the-- here
is the fun part about this.
00:18:59.98\00:19:02.19
Once you make a decision,
okay in a Ten Minute Marriage
00:19:02.22\00:19:05.65
we have you actually
get a notebook somewhere
00:19:05.68\00:19:07.26
and keep track of
decision you have made.
00:19:07.29\00:19:11.24
On this date we
made such a decision,
00:19:11.27\00:19:12.96
you both sign off on it.
00:19:12.99\00:19:15.17
So that we call like a book
of memory or book of decisions,
00:19:15.20\00:19:19.84
how we want to call
it and so what you do
00:19:19.87\00:19:21.90
and so if you come
back to that argument about
00:19:21.93\00:19:23.87
the garbage you
can say wait a minute.
00:19:23.90\00:19:25.58
This sounds
familiar lets go back,
00:19:25.61\00:19:28.18
you know, six
months ago we already
00:19:28.21\00:19:30.36
decided on garbage. There it is.
00:19:30.39\00:19:32.73
Now, Doug, I can say--
00:19:32.77\00:19:34.31
Do we need to do it again?
00:19:34.34\00:19:35.54
We can do it
again but we probably
00:19:35.57\00:19:36.70
gonna come with the same thing.
00:19:36.73\00:19:38.09
I can see that this
works on the small conflicts
00:19:38.12\00:19:42.31
but let me through one at you.
00:19:42.34\00:19:43.89
Okay. Let's say that,
00:19:43.92\00:19:47.33
we are trying
to make a decision.
00:19:47.36\00:19:48.82
Our child has been home schooled
00:19:48.85\00:19:50.65
and now where
its-- may be the wife
00:19:50.68\00:19:53.29
is going to work,
and-- One ends that.
00:19:53.32\00:19:55.80
That ends that so
we are trying to decide
00:19:55.83\00:19:58.08
if we want them to go to
00:19:58.11\00:19:59.14
Christian school
or to public school.
00:19:59.17\00:20:00.97
And let's say, I am
just role playing here
00:20:01.00\00:20:04.25
but let's say in this
case the father says I think,
00:20:04.28\00:20:06.47
they need to go
to public school.
00:20:06.50\00:20:07.77
While they are still
living at home we can monitor
00:20:07.80\00:20:11.02
what's going on in their life's
00:20:11.05\00:20:13.12
and let them get
exposed to the world
00:20:13.15\00:20:14.76
while we still have influence.
00:20:14.79\00:20:15.93
And the wife is
saying no I really
00:20:15.96\00:20:17.81
don't want them expose to that,
00:20:17.84\00:20:19.09
they are too young they
need to go in Christian school.
00:20:19.12\00:20:21.20
Can you sit down?
Now, see you are actually
00:20:21.23\00:20:23.02
bringing up another conversation
00:20:23.05\00:20:24.26
because that's
like a government issue.
00:20:24.29\00:20:26.82
See they're gonna fight about
00:20:26.85\00:20:27.94
this they don't
have a government.
00:20:27.97\00:20:29.12
Because if it's a
monarchy and the guy thinks
00:20:29.15\00:20:30.70
he is the king, he is gonna
think she should skip and sleep.
00:20:30.73\00:20:32.92
If she thinks
she is in a democracy
00:20:32.95\00:20:34.18
she's gonna keep
going out in forever.
00:20:34.21\00:20:35.90
I know we talked about
that on a different show
00:20:35.93\00:20:37.61
about the government and
it's in the book as well.
00:20:37.64\00:20:39.87
That--that one could be a
tough so you could still write,
00:20:39.90\00:20:43.29
okay where the
kid goes to school,
00:20:43.32\00:20:44.60
you could write this down.
00:20:44.63\00:20:45.72
But see there is
only two options.
00:20:45.75\00:20:47.84
All right, so this has.
00:20:47.87\00:20:49.63
And so that one
he is gonna vote his,
00:20:49.66\00:20:51.66
and you gonna vote
yours and you still
00:20:51.69\00:20:52.79
gonna be locked
even in that system.
00:20:52.82\00:20:54.55
Okay, now, in that situation
00:20:54.58\00:20:56.90
if you don't have a
government establish,
00:20:56.93\00:20:57.96
you are going to argue forever.
00:20:57.99\00:20:59.11
Now what you may want to
do is bring in either pastor,
00:20:59.14\00:21:02.06
counselor or spiritual
people in your community
00:21:02.09\00:21:05.32
and try to get the
heart of God in this decision.
00:21:05.35\00:21:09.35
All right. Do you
see what I am saying?
00:21:09.39\00:21:10.50
Right. Because
they got a big one
00:21:10.53\00:21:11.67
and only got two
options and so you can come down
00:21:11.70\00:21:13.44
and she is gonna vote her way,
00:21:13.47\00:21:14.51
he is gonna his way
and its not gonna work.
00:21:14.54\00:21:15.61
So, the ten minute
fight, that we are talking about
00:21:15.64\00:21:20.67
here on paper is good for
something that has more than
00:21:20.70\00:21:25.21
two options but if it gets down
00:21:25.24\00:21:26.96
to whether it's
either one or the other
00:21:26.99\00:21:28.62
this isn't
going to be practical?
00:21:28.65\00:21:30.19
No, no, no, this
will work, you see,
00:21:30.22\00:21:31.25
that's more
into your government.
00:21:31.28\00:21:32.76
That would turn you
back into government
00:21:32.79\00:21:34.42
and also the big
decisions, like who takes out
00:21:34.45\00:21:37.35
the garbage,
really I'm not sure God
00:21:37.38\00:21:38.92
is all that excited about that.
00:21:38.95\00:21:40.39
Okay, He might give you
a word of knowledge okay
00:21:40.42\00:21:42.69
but probably you can
figure this out, okay.
00:21:42.72\00:21:46.63
And might be careful about
that, so but the thing about
00:21:46.66\00:21:49.91
whether you kid goes
to school or something
00:21:49.94\00:21:51.40
like that where you
leave or where you go to church
00:21:51.43\00:21:53.04
those are bigger things.
00:21:53.07\00:21:54.51
And those decisions its
okay to bring other people
00:21:54.54\00:21:57.23
in and process with and trying
00:21:57.26\00:21:59.26
to the hear the voice of God.
00:21:59.29\00:22:01.02
You see what I am
saying? And there is wisdom
00:22:01.05\00:22:02.42
in a multitude of counselors,
the Bible says. There is,
00:22:02.45\00:22:04.41
you know, and if you
are seeking godly council
00:22:04.44\00:22:06.28
because people
have different believes
00:22:06.31\00:22:08.03
about both those
thinks you have mentioned
00:22:08.06\00:22:09.38
and they are
very strong believes.
00:22:09.41\00:22:11.18
Some of them the most
religious beliefs about
00:22:11.21\00:22:12.99
what you should do
with your kids, okay.
00:22:13.02\00:22:15.13
And again most of
that is an emotional thing,
00:22:15.16\00:22:21.06
okay, that then they uses
their minds to rationalize
00:22:21.09\00:22:24.35
why they
emotionally believe that.
00:22:24.38\00:22:26.66
Now let me ask you a
question that sounds strange
00:22:26.69\00:22:29.19
but when you are introducing
this to couples of course,
00:22:29.22\00:22:32.55
you have got the
minute environment
00:22:32.58\00:22:33.92
where they are paying for
you and they are following you.
00:22:33.95\00:22:35.80
Yeah, I would do the conference
or something like that,
00:22:35.83\00:22:37.07
and hand out the
sheet and say okay,
00:22:37.10\00:22:38.63
now you guys practice
a fight and I will watch.
00:22:38.66\00:22:41.33
No hitting and they will laugh,
00:22:41.36\00:22:43.90
but they
actually consult problems.
00:22:43.93\00:22:45.93
Its seed in my
mind, it would see
00:22:45.97\00:22:47.92
my most women would say, oh,
yeah I will be ready to do this.
00:22:47.95\00:22:51.28
Immediately accepting this
and my mind--I can see most men
00:22:51.31\00:22:55.44
kind of rolling their
eyes and saying, complicated.
00:22:55.47\00:22:58.27
I don't have that experience.
00:22:58.30\00:22:59.37
You don't have that
experience, that's interesting.
00:22:59.40\00:23:00.75
I don't know may be
this world view of men
00:23:00.78\00:23:02.94
that may not be
exactly, men love to learn
00:23:02.97\00:23:06.10
and they really
don't want to be fussing
00:23:06.13\00:23:07.60
with the wife for
25 years. All right.
00:23:07.64\00:23:09.76
It is not fun for us
either and then also means
00:23:09.79\00:23:11.85
less opportunities for
other things in our life
00:23:11.88\00:23:14.19
and so it's not
fun for us, okay.
00:23:14.22\00:23:15.77
We like to streamline
things as soon as possible.
00:23:15.80\00:23:18.03
So men look at them and then
they go oh, that's a good thing.
00:23:18.06\00:23:19.46
I can--I can we can
fight when we are done,
00:23:19.49\00:23:22.72
it can ruin our day.
00:23:22.75\00:23:23.99
Let's just fight checking out
the box when you're over with.
00:23:24.02\00:23:27.34
Do you know what I am saying?
00:23:27.37\00:23:28.46
Instead of spending all night
and you don't like me at night,
00:23:28.49\00:23:30.41
and we wakeup the
next day and we still like,
00:23:30.44\00:23:31.77
we got three days in
this mood, so you punish me,
00:23:31.80\00:23:34.64
we don't want to
go through all that.
00:23:34.67\00:23:37.20
We want to solve the problem.
00:23:37.23\00:23:40.32
What's the strangest
thing that you have ever seen,
00:23:40.35\00:23:43.26
one of the strangest
arguments you've ever seen
00:23:43.29\00:23:45.93
that in your counseling sessions
that people had to go through
00:23:45.96\00:23:50.20
this and may be had a
little bit of difficulty
00:23:50.23\00:23:52.44
in selecting the
voting and in selecting the--
00:23:52.47\00:23:56.44
Well, there is lot of things.
00:23:56.47\00:23:57.58
I mean there is
purchases, there is pets,
00:23:57.62\00:23:59.95
there is even things
as far as fighting about
00:23:59.98\00:24:03.78
whether some one should
be in their life or not.
00:24:03.81\00:24:06.97
You know,
particularly may be as a friend
00:24:07.00\00:24:08.21
they had an ice
scoop but it's not
00:24:08.24\00:24:09.30
a good influence
for now in your 30's.
00:24:09.33\00:24:11.32
Shall that person
really be in your life?
00:24:11.35\00:24:13.05
They gonna walk
through that process.
00:24:13.08\00:24:15.32
They might navigate
well, you know, may be,
00:24:15.35\00:24:17.56
may be you can see
that person once every
00:24:17.59\00:24:19.12
so often and they
gonna make their list.
00:24:19.15\00:24:20.57
You know, see
them ever so often,
00:24:20.60\00:24:21.98
not see them at all, see them
00:24:22.01\00:24:23.52
only with the
spouse blah-blah-blah.
00:24:23.55\00:24:25.38
Only in public places that don't
include alcohol or whatever.
00:24:25.41\00:24:29.44
You see what I am saying?
00:24:29.47\00:24:30.50
That's really make the
list and check that off
00:24:30.53\00:24:31.92
and try to figure that
out for them for that couple.
00:24:31.95\00:24:34.40
That's interesting. So yeah,
00:24:34.43\00:24:35.66
so you got all kinds of
things you could fuss about.
00:24:35.69\00:24:38.65
You know what I am saying?
00:24:38.68\00:24:39.92
And so but having a
tool that can help you bring
00:24:39.95\00:24:44.52
the best resources
of him and her because
00:24:44.55\00:24:47.96
I am gonna
expect that you probably
00:24:47.99\00:24:49.99
marry someone
who is intelligent.
00:24:50.02\00:24:51.05
Right. Okay, at least
00:24:51.08\00:24:52.33
you thought so
when you married right.
00:24:52.36\00:24:53.83
then its only after
marriage that sometimes
00:24:53.86\00:24:56.74
the intelligence of
our spouse declines.
00:24:56.77\00:24:59.26
It comes into question again.
00:24:59.29\00:25:00.76
Yes, okay. And so what this does
00:25:00.79\00:25:03.93
is it allows you to
return to that respect
00:25:03.96\00:25:06.46
of your
spouse's resourcefulness.
00:25:06.49\00:25:08.98
That's good. I can respect
00:25:09.01\00:25:10.37
that Lisa could help with ideas
00:25:10.40\00:25:11.62
and so she will
solve the problem.
00:25:11.65\00:25:12.95
She can respect
that I can and together
00:25:12.98\00:25:15.81
we usually come up
with some pretty good ideas
00:25:15.84\00:25:17.35
and some if we
are arguing about,
00:25:17.38\00:25:19.08
you know, like just fuss
00:25:19.11\00:25:20.46
we want to come up
with the solutions.
00:25:20.49\00:25:22.61
That's good. Because we are been
00:25:22.64\00:25:23.72
defending ourselves and trying
to outthink the other person.
00:25:23.75\00:25:25.84
Now I can calmly think
down, bang, bang, bang here
00:25:25.87\00:25:29.30
is the ideas, great and
let's work through this.
00:25:29.33\00:25:31.72
It also helps you to--to have
to recognize your own feelings.
00:25:31.75\00:25:35.73
Let me go through,
I am gonna recap this,
00:25:35.76\00:25:38.12
on the ten minute
conflict resolution,
00:25:38.15\00:25:42.28
the fight is that a top
of the sheet you write down
00:25:42.31\00:25:47.00
the problem
then the next section
00:25:47.03\00:25:49.33
is you are writing
about your feelings.
00:25:49.36\00:25:51.97
So you have to
identify your feelings
00:25:52.00\00:25:54.48
and then the next
thing is you are listing out
00:25:54.51\00:25:56.97
several solutions as
many as you can think of then,
00:25:57.00\00:26:00.39
you look without--
you not having been
00:26:00.42\00:26:02.92
talking but then you are
looking now at the solutions
00:26:02.95\00:26:05.66
and I am might go
through and think your idea,
00:26:05.69\00:26:07.84
that's a one
not being very good,
00:26:07.87\00:26:10.17
this next one is a tin
maybe but we go through
00:26:10.20\00:26:13.13
and we write
these and then add up
00:26:13.16\00:26:15.38
and lets say that there
is-- I may give us problem
00:26:15.41\00:26:19.04
or solution a one
saying I don't like
00:26:19.07\00:26:21.53
it where you may
have given it 10 because
00:26:21.56\00:26:23.45
that is your
idea, so that only 11.
00:26:23.48\00:26:25.41
But then if we both have
found one on each others list
00:26:25.44\00:26:28.44
that we think that's an eight
00:26:28.47\00:26:29.70
and I have voted an
eight, it's a 16 so it wins.
00:26:29.73\00:26:32.65
It wins. Right.
00:26:32.68\00:26:34.25
That sounds almost simple.
00:26:34.28\00:26:35.86
It does take the
fun out of fighting.
00:26:35.89\00:26:38.54
So do solve a lot more problems.
00:26:38.57\00:26:40.10
You see, once you start
00:26:40.13\00:26:41.26
solving problems,
then when the conflict
00:26:41.29\00:26:43.16
comes up, you
know that the agenda
00:26:43.19\00:26:45.55
is to solve the
problem not to attack
00:26:45.58\00:26:47.84
and beat up your spouse.
00:26:47.87\00:26:49.15
And the whole idea is
that once you get this
00:26:49.18\00:26:52.39
when you practice this
for a while then it becomes
00:26:52.42\00:26:56.60
that you don't-- the papers
00:26:56.63\00:26:57.81
unnecessary after a while.
00:26:57.84\00:26:59.28
You can sit and talk
about the various solutions
00:26:59.31\00:27:02.71
and ways to
resolve the conflict.
00:27:02.74\00:27:03.98
And that feeling
thing is important because
00:27:04.01\00:27:05.04
if you don't know how
the other person feels
00:27:05.07\00:27:06.79
you might be fighting
about a feeling not knowing it.
00:27:06.82\00:27:10.88
And then those
discussions goes for hours.
00:27:10.91\00:27:12.73
Who would think, who would think
00:27:12.76\00:27:14.46
that someone might feel unloved
00:27:14.49\00:27:15.91
if you didn't
take out the garbage?
00:27:15.94\00:27:17.33
You know, honestly it took
me a while to catch that one.
00:27:17.36\00:27:19.61
Well, praise God that you win.
00:27:19.64\00:27:22.45
Thank you so much
for being with us,
00:27:22.48\00:27:24.42
Doug, and we look
forward to you returning.
00:27:24.45\00:27:26.30
Thank you. Thank you,
00:27:26.33\00:27:27.56
for those of you at home,
I hope you did have a pencil
00:27:27.59\00:27:30.30
and paper out
this, this sounds like
00:27:30.33\00:27:32.70
its too good to be
true but this is a man
00:27:32.73\00:27:35.22
who knows because he is put
it into practice in his own life
00:27:35.25\00:27:38.67
and he also has
taught many people
00:27:38.70\00:27:41.70
how to not be
quarrelsome over conflict
00:27:41.73\00:27:45.61
but just to sit down and resolve
00:27:45.64\00:27:47.43
it just very
simply in ten minutes.
00:27:47.46\00:27:49.88
So hope that you will put
00:27:49.91\00:27:51.51
that into practice in your life.
00:27:51.54\00:27:53.00
That's for joining us.
00:27:53.03\00:27:54.45