Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000350
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00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
00:31 and welcome again to "Issues and Answers." 00:33 We are glad you tuned in and no matter 00:35 where you're watching us from around the world. 00:37 And I believe that today you are going to find 00:40 a very valuable lesson, something that will help 00:43 you in your marriage because no doubt you may be married 00:47 to someone who is a little bit different than you are. 00:49 And you know Paul wrote to the Romans in Romans 12:18. 00:54 He said, "If possible, as far as it depends on you, 00:58 live at peace with everyone." 01:00 Notice he said if possible. 01:02 It's not always possible but we are to strive to live 01:05 at peace particularly with our mates. 01:08 And if you are married to someone 01:10 who is motivated in a different way 01:11 than you are motivated it may not always be easy. 01:15 But we have with us today 01:16 a very special guest it's Dr. Douglas Weiss. 01:19 And Doug, we are so glad that you have come back to join us. 01:23 Oh, I'm glad to be here again. 01:24 Now, let's for those who may not know 01:26 you, you have been on a number of times on 3ABN 01:28 but for those who may not know you, 01:30 you are psychologist, the Director of Heart To Heart-- 01:34 Counseling Centre. Counseling Centre 01:35 in Colorado Springs. You have also authored 20 books 01:39 that one again on marriage and relationships 01:42 and over coming addictions. 01:43 What is your specialty? 01:45 All those, we deal with addictions and recover, 01:48 we deal with marriages, we deal with 01:49 lot of men's issues, with your marriage conferences, 01:51 men's conferences, telephone counseling, 01:53 3 Day Intensives, all kinds of stuff. 01:55 Now you also had your doctorate in ministry and-- 01:58 Doctorate in psychology, two master one in counseling, 02:02 one in divinity, bachelors in Bible. 02:03 Wonderful. So we try 02:04 to keep that all balanced. 02:06 Well, we are very glad that you are here today 02:08 and we are gonna be talking about 02:10 how people are motivated. 02:12 And you have already shared with me we are either 02:15 internally motivated or extremely motivated. 02:19 And before we actually get into the difference between 02:22 the two first let me just ask you a basic question. 02:25 Why is it important that we recognize this? 02:28 Well, I have been looking at marriages 02:29 for about 20 years in counseling, okay. 02:32 And what I found out is that couples 02:33 are motivated differently. 02:36 The individuals motivate differently. 02:37 If they don't understand how the other person is motivated 02:39 they tend to argue more, they tend to have a lot more 02:42 misunderstanding and it all tend to be able to capitalize 02:46 on the other person's strength 02:47 because their strength is seen as a weakness 02:49 by the other person. 02:50 I see, okay. You see what I am saying? 02:51 Yeah. And so, in the book 02:54 The Ten-Minute Marriage, we talked about 02:55 how someone is either internally or externally motivated, okay. 02:58 What that means is, if someone is externally 03:00 motivated their motivation is outside of them. 03:03 Right. Okay, the internally 03:05 motivated person their motivation is inside of them. 03:08 Okay, so you have to really break this down 03:10 and simplify for us the way we understand. 03:11 Yeah, I'm gonna make this really simple. 03:12 So let me, let me give examples, 03:14 okay, like I'm mostly internally motivated, 03:17 my wife is mostly externally motivated 03:19 and we have one child of each. 03:21 Okay, one child. 03:22 Okay, we would suggest go clean your room. 03:26 And that child goes off and cleans the room. 03:30 All right. That's the externally 03:31 motivated child. So-- 03:33 They don't mind following directions, 03:34 its okay, they go do that and they are happy to do that. 03:37 There's no problem because, yeah, they came from outside 03:39 it's not a problem from them, okay. 03:41 And this is your son in this case? 03:43 Yeah, my son this case. 03:44 Is the externally motivated one and he doesn't mind 03:47 following the rules, the regulations. 03:49 Its do what I am told. 03:51 Right, yeah and that's works for him, okay. 03:53 Now, my daughter is more like me so she is internally motivated. 03:56 So what that means is, she has reality 03:58 on the inside of her, okay and so if I say 04:00 go clean your room. 04:02 That is a beginning of a discussion. 04:04 First of all who am I to tell her to clean her room? 04:07 It wasn't her idea to begin with. 04:08 Why should she clean her room and that because 04:11 it's not coming from with in? You see what I'm saying? 04:15 If I said to her listen, your friends are coming over 04:18 and if they saw that mess, they might really think 04:20 that you are kind of a slob. 04:22 So then she might say, you know, 04:24 I probably gonna clean my room. 04:26 Well, that's a really good idea. All right. And that she would 04:28 go clean her room with no fights 04:30 whatsoever because it was her idea. 04:32 Okay. You see what I am saying? 04:34 And many of us have one or the other kind 04:36 of child in our-- in our mix 04:39 and so you can't parent them both the same. 04:41 Okay, what happen is you will try to put more pressure 04:45 on the internally motivated child because, 04:47 she is not as complained as the other one. 04:50 You know-- And what will happen 04:51 is you will get really-- you will get really frustrated 04:54 because internally motivated children 04:56 think that you are in co-parent with them not just, 04:59 you know, the parent, okay, 05:02 and it takes different set of skills. 05:03 And the same way these children grow up 05:06 and they become spouses. I see. 05:09 You see what I am saying? Okay. 05:11 And so how we relate to one another 05:13 understanding how we are motivated is gonna make a huge 05:16 difference in how successful our marriage is. 05:18 Now, and you are not saying that because I think 05:21 from what you are saying I may be, 05:23 by nature an internally motivated person. 05:27 Now I do follow rules and regulations but it's usually 05:30 because there is an appeal in my heart 05:32 that it makes me want to but I got a good example I think. 05:35 Okay, When we first married, 05:37 you know, I was at that time in my life 05:41 I was kind of more of a night bird. 05:42 I would stay up till, you know I would be writing 05:45 and doing things midnight 2 o'clock 05:47 still got to get up early and go to, to work. 05:50 So I complained to J. D. that, I needed more rest. 05:53 And one around 10 o'clock he came in and he said, 05:55 you need to stop what you are doing. 05:57 Go wash your face and get on bed right now. 06:00 Then I thought you are not my father, 06:02 I didn't say that but I believe that I actually stayed up 06:05 a little bit later that night because 06:08 I thought you can't boss me around, I'm not a little kid. 06:11 That's right, it was in my idea. 06:12 You know, I was thinking about 06:13 it but now as you told me I'm not gonna do it. 06:16 Yeah. Yeah, that's an example 06:17 of someone who is internally motivated. 06:18 You know, like my daughter is internally motivated. 06:21 So when she was in first grade, pretty much and second grade 06:25 my wife insisted that she will do homework with her. 06:27 My wife is externally motivated and thinks 06:29 you should do homework because it's the right thing to do. 06:31 Right. My daughter thinks homework 06:33 an insult because who are they to tell me to do this homework 06:37 I should be out playing, right. 06:38 So my daughter would take-- could take 30 minutes 06:41 and enjoying out for three hours. 06:43 Okay, so one night when I'm up cleaning closet 06:45 my wife comes up and says, you go down and deal with her. 06:47 I go I will be happy to have to do homework 06:49 with there for the last couple of year. 06:51 You deal with her. 06:52 Okay, so I went downstairs and about 30 minutes 06:54 later I am upstairs cleaning the closet. 06:56 She says, why are you up here? We are done. 06:59 She was-- there's no way you are done. 07:02 I go there. Yes, go check it I didn't do it. 07:04 You stopped my writing and she did it, 07:05 okay and she comes up close how did you do that? 07:08 That was simple. Hadassah likes money 07:11 so I put a quarter right down next to her homework. 07:13 I said, if you are done I am gonna set the timer 07:15 for 30 minutes you can have that quarter. 07:16 If you are not done I'm gonna take that quarter back. 07:19 She didn't want to do the homework 07:20 she wanted the quarter. 07:22 So, that sounds like you are externally motivated 07:25 for your quarter but its not. 07:26 No, no because the quarter is her idea. 07:28 She wanted that. I see, I see, okay. 07:30 See me saying, so then she did her homework. 07:31 Okay, let's walk through 07:32 some of these characteristics, okay. 07:33 Absolutely. Okay, all right, 07:35 now I got these written down so I don't miss any, okay. 07:37 Now when an externally motivated person 07:38 and if you were one of these people you gonna think, 07:40 wow, he understands me. 07:42 And if you are not, you are not gonna 07:43 have no clue about what I am talking about 07:44 till with the later. 07:46 Okay, rules have value, rules are--they are good, okay. 07:50 Right and wrong are permanent. 07:52 Externally motivated people have right 07:54 and wrongly like clearly deviated 07:56 in their heart and mind, okay. 07:59 Like I said they are not-- they are very easy 08:00 to follow directions because other people's ideas 08:02 are equal to theirs and they could be just as good, okay. 08:05 They are not their ideas, in other words 08:08 if they have an idea and someone gives some criticism 08:10 about that's okay, because this is their idea. 08:12 Okay, now they are their work, like if they are doing something 08:15 they are very conscious and if they criticize 08:17 on the work that's difficult for them. 08:19 So very conscious, they tend to manage very well, 08:22 here is this trick, they tend to process things thoroughly, okay. 08:27 So they can take them a couple of days sometimes 08:30 they think through something to what they feel good enough 08:33 but they are really making good decision because 08:34 they think how it impacts all these different people 08:37 and situations and so they actually think through things, 08:41 okay which is very important and a good skill. 08:43 They are able to see consequences, 08:45 the negative consequences of things down the road. 08:47 You see, now I'm thinking I'm externally motivated. 08:50 Okay. Okay. So you see where I have been there. Okay. 08:52 But they can actually see the consequences. 08:54 We shouldn't do this because of A, B and C. 08:55 Okay, they do not enjoy conflict. 09:00 And conflict is not fun for them because 09:02 it doesn't play to their strength. 09:03 Because they take time to think through, 09:05 they don't like to things. 09:07 You see what I am saying? 09:09 They need to do the right thing. 09:10 If they do the wrong thing, I mean it just about kills them. 09:14 They'll be--if even they make a wrong comment, 09:16 they will think about if for three days. 09:18 You see what I am saying? 09:19 So that is the externally motivated person. 09:21 All right, so hand on there. 09:22 Now, let's see if we can discover the rest of this. 09:24 Now, if you are internally motivated right now, 09:27 you are gonna go wow, this is great, I'm not just 09:30 a bad person this is really why I'm motivated 09:32 because sometimes in terms we get label 09:34 as bad or selfish or stuff like that. 09:36 Now, you are just internally motivated 09:38 but you need to understand that so you can 09:39 be less selfish and more understanding. 09:41 Isn't that pathetic? 09:42 Okay, so let's talk to this. 09:43 Internally motivated, they think outside the box. 09:46 And matter of fact, there's usually 09:47 not a box inside, okay. 09:49 They are very relative, and they are thinking, 09:51 they don't have right and wrong and they are thinking. 09:53 Those cook up 38 ideas on something 09:55 and not necessarily think right or wrong. 09:57 That is good idea, so they are just ideas okay, 10:00 they spit them out and they love thinking about ideas. 10:02 They tend to over value their ideas. 10:04 Their ideas even though they only took them 10:07 a microsecond to come up with it are really valuable to them. 10:11 I know that I got some. 10:14 Yeah, yeah exactly. 10:16 So if you insult their ideas, boy, you are gonna really, 10:18 you know, they are gonna get really offended by that, okay. 10:21 Now, they like speed in making decisions. 10:25 Now they are not to be right decisions 10:27 they just had to be made, you know, quick, quick, quick 10:30 we made five decisions. 10:31 I feel great, let's go to lunch. 10:33 Okay, you know, where the externals 10:35 like thinking they are first one, 10:36 but see now, think about this. 10:38 An internally motivated person likes to make decisions what? 10:40 Fast. An externally motivated person 10:43 likes to think through the things. 10:46 Can you see how marriage is gonna be-- 10:47 I was just getting ready to ask that question. 10:49 A very, very difficult thing. 10:50 If I don't understand how you process 10:51 and inside all gonna be by the way I process 10:54 we are gonna fast, whether I am internally 10:56 or externally motivated. Right. 10:58 Because you are not doing it the way I would do it. 11:00 Now, is it possible to be a good blend of both of these? 11:05 Yeah, rarely. Usually you tend 11:06 to slide towards one side or the other. 11:08 Now, as a Christian God is gonna balance us. 11:11 You see what I'm saying? 11:12 Because I'm mostly internal but I've really learned 11:14 a lot about right and wrong in doing stuff well, 11:18 and that kind of stuff. 11:19 So as a parent or as a Christian mate 11:22 or a mate in general, you don't have to be a Christian 11:25 to want to practice these principles. 11:27 When you recognize as you begin to recognize 11:31 your mate or your child and how to motivated, 11:33 how can you become successful, particularly if you got, 11:38 it seems to me that it to be a good balance 11:40 to have a husband or wife better opposite 11:43 because if you are both, externally motivated 11:46 its gonna take you for ever to make a decision. 11:48 Well, you don't make decisions, you just kind of follow rules. 11:50 All right, and if you are internally 11:53 motivated both of you, you may be making 11:55 some nice decisions and lot of mistakes. 11:57 Yes. So how do you become 11:59 successful in dealing with? 12:02 Yeah, we are getting right to that. 12:03 Let me finish the internal thing. 12:04 I wasn't done yet. They don't see consequences 12:09 because their ideas are really good. 12:10 They don't see that if I make this widget 12:11 and we put a say X amount of money to making 12:14 this widget that no one wants to buy it. 12:17 They just think it's so wonderful 12:18 I did they thought of this widget 12:19 World is abounding with stories of create being inventors 12:22 of the widgets who blew all of the finances. 12:25 Oh, yeah, yeah and that's-- that's every where, okay. 12:28 Now the internally motivated person also accepts conflicts 12:31 and absolutely likes conflict. 12:34 You know, if my daughter is a little bored 12:36 she will create conflict because she likes conflict. 12:39 She likes to think fast, she likes to make decisions 12:41 fast and she likes to just go at it. 12:44 You know, me and her sometimes we just have fun. 12:46 My wife is like what are you guys doing? 12:47 We are just having fun. 12:48 You know, just interacting about 12:51 something and so the internally motivated person 12:53 accepts conflicts, actually likes conflict. 12:55 And again you can see the internally likes conflict, 12:58 the external doesn't like conflict. 13:00 So when you are parenting a child, 13:02 I started to ask you a question, Doug, 13:04 if it would be easier to parent the external 13:07 or the internally motivated child but that's gonna depend 13:11 whole lot on your personality, 13:12 yourself isn't it. Absolutely, yeah, 13:14 if you are an external, you have an external child 13:16 you are gonna love that child. 13:17 Okay, if you are internally motivated and you are having 13:20 internally motivated child you probably 13:21 are going to have some favor with them. 13:22 But, both of you gonna get frustrations with the other one. 13:25 Right. Do you know what I am saying? 13:27 So yeah, it's good 13:28 if you both-- if you work through that. 13:30 Now for an internally motivated person, 13:32 listening does tend to be little difficult because 13:34 they are really are thinking what they are going to say, 13:36 as supposed to what the other is saying. 13:39 And you know, Christ wants to bounces out 13:41 these things, okay, but these 13:43 are generally characteristics. 13:44 Now one other thing is the internally motivated 13:46 person has is an unlimited amount of persistence. 13:49 Okay. They can read, read, read 13:52 or study, study, study or work, work, work or do it. 13:54 If they have it in their mind to get something done, 13:56 it is done and they will put the persistence 14:00 into it that's a long night, a long year or five years 14:04 to get one thing done. Perseverance is just-- 14:08 Perseverance is one of their strength. 14:09 So you can see how these are different, 14:12 okay and how we, how we need to work 14:14 with these to make it good. 14:15 So, now, getting back to that question 14:18 though before-- I so rudely interrupted 14:20 you before you finished. 14:21 Is how does-- how do you become successful 14:25 if you are internally motivated and you are married 14:28 to a spouse who is externally motivated 14:31 or vice versa or with your children? 14:33 At work how do you successfully manage 14:38 the differences between you and the other person? 14:41 Well, I think there is two things. 14:43 One is having knowledge, in The Ten-Minute Marriage, 14:45 we talked about understanding this. 14:47 And I actually encourage couples to like memorize 14:50 these lists so they can go oh, okay, this is what goes on. 14:55 Secondly, you know, I could talk about scripture. 14:57 Try to deal with someone peaceably 14:59 if you can't do that with out genuine respect. 15:02 See I have learnt to respect my wife. 15:04 Let me tell you, when we first got married 15:05 its kind of difficult because I would have ideas all the time. 15:09 You know, written 20 books 15:10 and some ideas are okay, okay, but I have these ideas 15:13 all the time, okay and Lisa 15:15 would have a way I called the ooze. 15:17 She would shoot my ideas full of holes all the time. 15:21 And for the first couple of years of marriage, 15:23 I would get mad about that. 15:25 It's always negative and you know, 15:27 blah-blah-blah, I would really 15:28 kind of attack her strength. 15:30 See I didn't realize her seeing 15:32 the consequences was a strength. 15:34 Right. I saw that as a weakness 15:36 because it didn't fit my particular motivation style. 15:39 And you think totally different. 15:41 Yeah, and so it took me 15:43 a while to realize that God's gift to me was Lisa and her gift 15:46 to me is this ability to see all the things at a wrong. 15:49 So now, I have learned to present 15:52 my idea to Lisa, let her think about it, 15:55 should all the full she wants it and then go fix the holes 15:59 and then the idea actually works. 16:01 Well that's good. 16:02 You see what I am saying? So, yes, that's-- 16:04 That's respecting who she is. 16:06 And that when you respect who she is you are looking 16:08 at the strength of what she brings. 16:12 And run through that for just a second. 16:14 What are some of the strengths 16:15 for the externally motivated person? 16:18 You get Perseverance one. 16:20 No, no, no that's internal, 16:21 okay, so thinking of the consequences is one. 16:24 God bless your strength, sure. All right, what are some other? 16:26 Whether they are moral right or wrong 16:28 this is really your strength. 16:29 You know, like if you're a Christian 16:30 and you are driving down the street and you are thinking, 16:32 you know, that's a nice piece of real estate. 16:33 You know, what you go there 16:34 and if something that be told appropriate 16:36 because you're internally motivated you think it would do, 16:38 good there even though its wrong 16:39 to have that have that kind of business. 16:41 You know I'm saying were the externally motivated person 16:43 never even think about that because 16:45 it's wrong to start with. 16:47 So, I go J. D. use to tell me when we first married 16:51 that I am either black or white, 16:53 I don't walk in a gray area. 16:56 That be more external of it. 16:57 That's defiantly right or wrong. 16:58 They don't have relative thinking. 17:01 Okay. You know, they don't pay 17:02 their taxes late. You know, 17:04 I don't mean to keep it planning two months or so. 17:05 They pay them on date. 17:07 I don't mean to keep planning these to myself 17:08 but as everybody out there is doing, 17:10 we are trying to figure out who we are. 17:11 I can see myself in both, is that something 17:14 that--I mean-- Don't be real actually. 17:17 All right. Yeah, usually, usually 17:19 you are going to bend more towards one or the other. 17:22 Now, your spouse may temper 17:24 that as well because like with me, 17:26 I don't rely on my strength to think few things like that. 17:29 I'll say for me I know Lisa 17:31 is gonna think for something any way. 17:33 So I will say to her that's okay, 17:34 now we have to make this decision by Friday. 17:37 Okay, today is Monday here is the information, 17:42 now, on Friday we are going to make a decision okay. 17:46 So you give her time to process. So I give you five days 17:48 So you give her a dead line. 17:50 Right, because if I don't give 17:51 a dead line, it won't happen. 17:52 Okay, so, I give a deadline say okay, 17:55 we are gonna take on this Friday so whatever you have 17:57 to bring to the table on Friday 17:58 we are going to make this decision. 17:59 So bring it to the table or walk through that. 18:01 So, I honor that she has to need to think 18:04 two things and she is to honor that we need 18:06 to eventually make a decision. 18:08 Now, that's with spouse. 18:09 With your child because you have 18:11 one that's externally motivated. 18:13 The weakness of the externally motivated child 18:17 is that they are probably not gonna make many decisions 18:20 if you don't tell them do it they are not gonna 18:21 take the initiative to do it on their own. 18:23 Right, so do have to kind of say, 18:25 okay this is kind of-- these are the options 18:27 for the summer what do you want to do here, okay. 18:30 And they are kind of like, well I need to think about it. 18:32 Okay, you can think about it until tomorrow ad tomorrow 18:34 I want you to tell me what you want to do. 18:36 So it's basically with the external motivated person 18:39 you need to give them that deadline 18:41 they need that frame of work. 18:42 It really helps because otherwise 18:44 they will be thinking about it and you know, 18:45 three weeks will go by. 18:47 All right. Do you see what I am saying? 18:48 So thus help to have a deadline for that. 18:50 Okay, now, with the internally 18:51 motivated person, like a child, okay. 18:53 Like if I say to my externally motivated child. 18:56 Hey, lets go to Blank Restaurant tonight to go eat. 19:00 They go oh, that's great. 19:02 Okay now with my internally motivated child 19:04 I have to her, listen, why don't you give me 19:08 three restaurants you would like to go 19:11 and I get to pick which one. All right. 19:14 So all three were her idea so I knew them are fine, 19:17 but I still get to pick because I'm paying the bill. 19:20 So you see what I'm saying? 19:21 And so, but she is fine with that. 19:23 Now if I told her, listen, let's to x restaurant. 19:25 Even if it was the same restaurant 19:27 she would have picked, she will be mad 19:29 the whole time at the restaurant because 19:31 she didn't have any say in the restaurant. 19:33 Well, that's interesting. 19:34 You know, you can see 19:36 it as you are speaking I can see in our staff-- 19:40 Oh, sure. Thinking of friends, 19:42 that I'm recognizing some things 19:45 now in the way--the way in which people operate. 19:47 Right, so this helps you, it helps you in your life 19:50 in general but if you understand that you are married, 19:51 see we are talking about marriage 19:53 it really helps to manage because if you, 19:55 like suppose you think you are 'I' and because your 'I' 19:58 you know, you are the ideal person. 19:59 You are not, okay. 20:00 But what happens is you will try 20:01 to make-- your spouse make 20:02 really fast decisions, don't frustrate them 20:04 their whole life, okay, or if you are E 20:08 and you keep trying to put the decisions of. 20:09 Now tell us what the 'I' and 'E' are some people? 20:11 Internally motivated, externally motivated. 20:13 Okay. Right, if you are an externally 20:14 motivated person and you are trying to get your spouse 20:16 to not make decision you are going to put 20:19 them through the sealing. 20:22 I'm saying because they have to make a decision. 20:24 It's almost, its almost, you know, we got to get this. 20:26 Check off the box. Right 20:28 Okay, and if you keep putting 20:29 that box off and off and off 20:31 they are going to get really marry you. 20:33 So give us some examples from when you have been 20:35 and you are time of counseling have 20:38 you had--had a couples who once they recognize 20:42 that they start learning to work 20:44 with it but then as Christians we are to gain some balance. 20:48 Yeah. So is there a way 20:50 that if you are 'I' you are internally motivated 20:53 and you are an idea person 20:54 and you are just Entrepreneur are I's I'm sure. 20:58 Yeah, almost always. 20:59 And typically what they want to do is they got the idea 21:02 They want to start something. You want to start something 21:03 but they don't want to finish it. 21:04 They don't know how to manage it. 21:05 They don't want to manage it. 21:06 So, they birth but they don't raise. 21:08 Okay, so those are I's. 21:10 Right, so that you need 21:11 to--that's again as an I you surround 21:13 yourself by E's and you will be successful entrepreneur. 21:15 All right. The smartest entrepreneur 21:17 is someone who knows to birth the idea it takes them. 21:22 Then to get a manager or to that are E's 21:25 and give the vision for the idea and then they will manage it. 21:30 You know, what I am saying? 21:32 So it's kind of like the I give the idea, 21:34 the E's manage it and actually happens. 21:36 Either one with out the other one doesn't work. 21:38 Because E's won't think of the idea, 21:40 okay and I's can't actually get it done long term. 21:43 All right, and so it is-- 21:45 So it's kind of like a male, female thing, 21:47 you need each other to make this work. 21:48 Now the thing is it's not gender. 21:50 Men are not always I's and woman are not always E's. 21:54 That's true. Okay, and so especially 21:55 like they-- actually one of the couples 21:57 that really brought this to life to me was, 21:59 it was a woman who is very successful woman, 22:01 I mean multimillionaire, ideal going, 22:03 just--you know wakes up at 5 goes to bed at 12. 22:06 I mean bang, bang, bang, runs 22:08 a couple of companies and this kind of stuff. 22:10 And she marry this guy, okay, who was totally I mean like-- 22:15 Totally externally motivated. Totally externally 22:16 motivated I mean if he wasn't been 22:19 told what to do, this was kind of and she was getting 22:21 so mad at him because he never came up with ideas, 22:24 he never really, you know contributed 22:27 in the way she wished he would. 22:29 And she thought well, he is just not a man 22:31 because he was a man he would take up 22:33 by the bull horns and he just run this thing. 22:35 You know, but see she had no idea 22:37 and so I explain this to her. 22:38 I said, listen there is nothing wrong with your husband, 22:40 he is wonderful the way he is. 22:42 He is externally motivated. 22:43 He is never gonna be you. 22:47 And you can accept that or you can't shame him for it. 22:50 And it helped to her to kind of put in the context to go, 22:53 okay so he helps you with your strengths, 22:56 and you need to accept his strength 22:58 and not try to make him like you. 23:00 Because again if you're trying to make him 23:01 like you that's not a good thing. 23:03 So Doug, when you have-- I can see where there 23:06 will be a lot of benefits like between you and Lisa. 23:09 Oh we are great team. 23:10 That's makes an excellent team. 23:12 What happens though if you get two I's who are married? 23:15 Two people who are both internally motivated. 23:17 They both have staffs. 23:18 They have to have a staff. 23:20 They both have staff, if they do they gonna do great. 23:22 You know, if each one has a secretary 23:24 or someone help them with the children and they run great. 23:27 But they usually have support people. 23:29 But in the marriage let's say that we got two people 23:32 out here that are watching right now and they both recognize 23:35 that we are both internally motivated, 23:37 we make risky decisions. 23:39 Oh, yeah, yeah. 23:40 How do-- how do they begin to curb 23:43 one another if they recognize they both are I's? 23:44 Yeah, usually it takes them to 40 to 50 to start doing that, 23:46 because they have to make enough mistakes 23:48 to realize they can't trust her on decision making. 23:49 All right. And then what you do 23:51 is just surround yourself by people 23:52 who are E's like accounts or financial people 23:55 are the people like that. 23:56 And you let them help to make that decision. 23:57 Okay, and then if you got two-- say we have a young couple 24:01 watching us or they may not be young, 24:03 may be they are older couple now and they both 24:06 externally motivated and they are realizing. 24:08 That turns to be a little easier because they both 24:12 go to the same church through 50 years, 24:14 they both go to the, you know, 24:15 they both have the same job for 40 years and life seems 24:18 to have a certain pattern, and there is not 24:20 a lot of conflict. How do they get 24:21 to the decision making? But they don't--well, 24:23 they don't necessarily have to make lot of hard decisions. 24:25 They set their life up so they don't. 24:27 Okay, okay. You know so, so unless, 24:30 unless there is something that's creating a crises 24:32 that's creating fast decisions and stuff like that. 24:34 Now what unfortunately happens to this poor couple 24:37 is they tend to birth at least one internally motivated child. 24:42 And then the challenge begins. 24:43 Then they are gonna like we don't know 24:45 what we are doing here, okay. 24:46 And so but other than that you know, 24:48 suppose you got two engineers, 24:50 you know, and they both externally motivated 24:52 they both have the same career for years, 24:54 they raise externally motivated kids. 24:56 This is gonna be no harm that there is not a lot of conflict, 24:59 but there is not a lot of change, 25:01 not a lot of risk, there's not a lot of innovation, you know. 25:04 So there is some weakness but not necessarily weakness 25:07 that would be experienced by anybody in the system. 25:09 Okay. So once you recognize these they're always 25:14 to learn to just appreciate the difference. 25:17 Yes. And as we said-- Oh, actually capitalize on it. 25:19 Capitalize, I like that. 25:21 See I capitalize on Lisa's strengths. 25:23 Her strength to see consequences 25:24 I've going to capitalize. 25:26 Her strength to see right or wrong, 25:27 I have capitalize on. 25:29 I'm saying her strength that process through things 25:31 I've capitalized on, okay. 25:33 So I have learned to capitalize on those strengths 25:35 because they are strengths to me. 25:36 And what are your strengths as an I? 25:37 Because they are not my reflective strength. 25:40 Has she learned to appreciate 25:42 your strengths as an I Internally motivated? 25:43 She is growing to, she is growing to. 25:45 What are the strengths of the I? 25:47 Being able to make a decision, 25:48 being able to make fast decision, 25:50 being on the process information quickly. 25:51 So she has learned that that's a gift 25:53 and that at times she appreciates it. 25:55 Its harder for her because you know for her 25:58 to appreciate mine is like she has to come out 26:00 of that safe box and I'm like over here, 26:04 let's fly, let's have a good time, 26:05 let's go and she is like, well, can we think about this first. 26:09 I'm like you can think about having fun, 26:11 just up jump on the four wheeler and let's go, girl, you know. 26:14 And so, so she learned to kind of be fluid. 26:19 And in that yes, she is accepted 26:21 it but she is still doesn't have like this really 26:23 great appreciation for how much pain I bring 26:25 to her because of the okay, lets go out of the box. 26:28 You know I'm saying? 26:29 Now, one quick question we only have a minute left. 26:31 What's in my mind right now is ten circumstances influence. 26:35 Let's say that you are born in I but you are in a really 26:37 dysfunctional home. 26:38 Can you live like as an E, an externally motivated 26:42 person just to try to calm things? 26:44 Try to survive things, sure you could do that. 26:45 Yes, so there is this-- 26:46 You should adopt, if you have to adapt 26:47 in your family system you will make those augmentations. 26:50 Okay, like if you are 26:52 an I and you are raised by two E's. 26:54 They just tell you, you do things 26:55 that's the right thing to do. 26:57 All right, don't be creative, 26:59 don't try, don't risk, you might actually run 27:02 that message so deeply you could alter 27:04 who you are or vise versa. 27:06 Or as you, as then as you grow older 27:08 you may find that you gone through some changes. 27:10 This is really interesting stuff. 27:12 Yes. I wish we had more time 27:13 to talk about that but I think that you really given 27:15 something people to tune on and thank you, 27:18 so much for coming today. 27:19 You are welcome. 27:21 We are so glad that you joined us today, 27:23 and hope that may be you have recognized 27:24 whether you are an I or an E. 27:26 This is something that I think 27:28 is important in-- to understand 27:31 and to appreciate the difference of your spouse 27:34 and learn to play to one another strengths. 27:36 And as Dr. Weiss has told us we also need to learn 27:40 to be more balanced when we recognize our weaknesses. 27:43 We thank you, so much for joining us. 27:45 Remember what Paul said, "If possible, 27:47 as far as it depends on you, 27:49 learn to live at peace with everyone." 27:51 Particularly your spouse. Bye, bye. |
Revised 2014-12-17