Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
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and welcome again to
"Issues and Answers."
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We are glad you
tuned in and no matter
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where you're watching
us from around the world.
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And I believe that
today you are going to find
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a very valuable lesson,
something that will help
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you in your marriage because
no doubt you may be married
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to someone who is a little
bit different than you are.
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And you know Paul wrote to
the Romans in Romans 12:18.
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He said, "If possible,
as far as it depends on you,
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live at peace with everyone."
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Notice he said if possible.
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It's not always possible
but we are to strive to live
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at peace
particularly with our mates.
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And if you are
married to someone
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who is motivated
in a different way
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than you are motivated
it may not always be easy.
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But we have with us today
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a very special guest
it's Dr. Douglas Weiss.
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And Doug, we are so glad that
you have come back to join us.
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Oh, I'm glad to be here again.
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Now, let's for
those who may not know
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you, you have been on
a number of times on 3ABN
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but for those
who may not know you,
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you are psychologist, the
Director of Heart To Heart--
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Counseling
Centre. Counseling Centre
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in Colorado Springs. You
have also authored 20 books
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that one again on
marriage and relationships
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and over coming addictions.
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What is your specialty?
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All those, we deal
with addictions and recover,
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we deal with
marriages, we deal with
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lot of men's issues, with
your marriage conferences,
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men's conferences,
telephone counseling,
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3 Day Intensives,
all kinds of stuff.
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Now you also had your
doctorate in ministry and--
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Doctorate in psychology,
two master one in counseling,
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one in divinity,
bachelors in Bible.
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Wonderful. So we try
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to keep that all balanced.
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Well, we are very glad
that you are here today
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and we are
gonna be talking about
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how people are motivated.
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And you have already
shared with me we are either
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internally motivated
or extremely motivated.
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And before we actually get
into the difference between
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the two first let me
just ask you a basic question.
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Why is it important
that we recognize this?
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Well, I have been
looking at marriages
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for about 20 years
in counseling, okay.
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And what I found
out is that couples
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are motivated differently.
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The individuals
motivate differently.
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If they don't understand how
the other person is motivated
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they tend to argue more,
they tend to have a lot more
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misunderstanding and it all
tend to be able to capitalize
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on the other person's strength
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because their
strength is seen as a weakness
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by the other person.
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I see, okay. You
see what I am saying?
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Yeah. And so, in the book
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The Ten-Minute
Marriage, we talked about
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how someone is either internally
or externally motivated, okay.
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What that means is,
if someone is externally
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motivated their
motivation is outside of them.
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Right. Okay, the internally
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motivated person their
motivation is inside of them.
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Okay, so you have to
really break this down
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and simplify for us
the way we understand.
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Yeah, I'm gonna
make this really simple.
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So let me, let me give examples,
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okay, like I'm
mostly internally motivated,
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my wife is mostly
externally motivated
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and we have one child of each.
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Okay, one child.
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Okay, we would
suggest go clean your room.
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And that child goes
off and cleans the room.
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All right. That's the externally
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motivated child. So--
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They don't mind
following directions,
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its okay, they go do that
and they are happy to do that.
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There's no problem because,
yeah, they came from outside
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it's not a
problem from them, okay.
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And this is your
son in this case?
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Yeah, my son this case.
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Is the externally motivated
one and he doesn't mind
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following the
rules, the regulations.
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Its do what I am told.
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Right, yeah and
that's works for him, okay.
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Now, my daughter is more like me
so she is internally motivated.
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So what that means
is, she has reality
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on the inside of
her, okay and so if I say
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go clean your room.
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That is a
beginning of a discussion.
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First of all who am I to
tell her to clean her room?
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It wasn't her
idea to begin with.
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Why should she clean
her room and that because
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it's not coming from with
in? You see what I'm saying?
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If I said to her listen,
your friends are coming over
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and if they saw that
mess, they might really think
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that you are kind of a slob.
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So then she might say, you know,
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I probably gonna clean my room.
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Well, that's a really good idea.
All right. And that she would
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go clean her room with no fights
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whatsoever
because it was her idea.
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Okay. You see what I am saying?
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And many of us have
one or the other kind
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of child in our-- in our mix
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and so you can't
parent them both the same.
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Okay, what happen is you
will try to put more pressure
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on the internally
motivated child because,
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she is not as
complained as the other one.
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You know-- And what will happen
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is you will get really--
you will get really frustrated
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because
internally motivated children
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think that you are in
co-parent with them not just,
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you know, the parent, okay,
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and it takes
different set of skills.
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And the same way
these children grow up
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and they become spouses. I see.
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You see what I am saying? Okay.
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And so how we
relate to one another
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understanding how we are
motivated is gonna make a huge
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difference in how
successful our marriage is.
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Now, and you are not
saying that because I think
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from what you
are saying I may be,
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by nature an
internally motivated person.
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Now I do follow rules and
regulations but it's usually
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because there is
an appeal in my heart
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that it makes me want to but
I got a good example I think.
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Okay, When we first married,
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you know, I was at
that time in my life
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I was kind of
more of a night bird.
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I would stay up till,
you know I would be writing
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and doing things
midnight 2 o'clock
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still got to get up
early and go to, to work.
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So I complained to J. D.
that, I needed more rest.
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And one around 10
o'clock he came in and he said,
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you need to stop
what you are doing.
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Go wash your face
and get on bed right now.
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Then I thought
you are not my father,
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I didn't say that but I believe
that I actually stayed up
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a little bit
later that night because
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I thought you can't boss me
around, I'm not a little kid.
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That's right, it was in my idea.
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You know, I was thinking about
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it but now as you told
me I'm not gonna do it.
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Yeah. Yeah, that's an example
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of someone who is
internally motivated.
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You know, like my daughter
is internally motivated.
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So when she was in first grade,
pretty much and second grade
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my wife insisted that she
will do homework with her.
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My wife is
externally motivated and thinks
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you should do homework because
it's the right thing to do.
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Right. My
daughter thinks homework
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an insult because who are they
to tell me to do this homework
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I should be out playing, right.
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So my daughter would
take-- could take 30 minutes
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and enjoying
out for three hours.
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Okay, so one night
when I'm up cleaning closet
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my wife comes up and says,
you go down and deal with her.
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I go I will be happy
to have to do homework
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with there for the
last couple of year.
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You deal with her.
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Okay, so I went
downstairs and about 30 minutes
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later I am upstairs
cleaning the closet.
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She says, why are
you up here? We are done.
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She was-- there's
no way you are done.
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I go there. Yes, go
check it I didn't do it.
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You stopped my
writing and she did it,
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okay and she comes up
close how did you do that?
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That was simple.
Hadassah likes money
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so I put a quarter right
down next to her homework.
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I said, if you are done
I am gonna set the timer
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for 30 minutes you
can have that quarter.
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If you are not done I'm
gonna take that quarter back.
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She didn't want
to do the homework
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she wanted the quarter.
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So, that sounds like
you are externally motivated
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for your quarter but its not.
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No, no because the
quarter is her idea.
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She wanted that.
I see, I see, okay.
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See me saying, so
then she did her homework.
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Okay, let's walk through
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some of these
characteristics, okay.
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Absolutely. Okay, all right,
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now I got these written
down so I don't miss any, okay.
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Now when an
externally motivated person
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and if you were one of
these people you gonna think,
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wow, he understands me.
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And if you are
not, you are not gonna
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have no clue about
what I am talking about
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till with the later.
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Okay, rules have value,
rules are--they are good, okay.
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Right and wrong are permanent.
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Externally
motivated people have right
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and wrongly
like clearly deviated
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in their heart and mind, okay.
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Like I said they are
not-- they are very easy
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to follow directions
because other people's ideas
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are equal to theirs and they
could be just as good, okay.
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They are not their
ideas, in other words
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if they have an idea and
someone gives some criticism
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about that's okay,
because this is their idea.
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Okay, now they are their work,
like if they are doing something
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they are very
conscious and if they criticize
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on the work that's
difficult for them.
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So very conscious, they
tend to manage very well,
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here is this trick, they tend to
process things thoroughly, okay.
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So they can take them a
couple of days sometimes
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they think through something
to what they feel good enough
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but they are really
making good decision because
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they think how it impacts
all these different people
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and situations and so they
actually think through things,
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okay which is very
important and a good skill.
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They are able to
see consequences,
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the negative consequences
of things down the road.
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You see, now I'm thinking
I'm externally motivated.
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Okay. Okay. So you see
where I have been there. Okay.
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But they can
actually see the consequences.
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We shouldn't do this
because of A, B and C.
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Okay, they do
not enjoy conflict.
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And conflict is not
fun for them because
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it doesn't play
to their strength.
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Because they take
time to think through,
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they don't like to things.
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You see what I am saying?
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They need to do the right thing.
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If they do the wrong thing, I
mean it just about kills them.
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They'll be--if even
they make a wrong comment,
00:09:14.21\00:09:16.02
they will think
about if for three days.
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You see what I am saying?
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So that is the
externally motivated person.
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All right, so hand on there.
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Now, let's see if we can
discover the rest of this.
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Now, if you are
internally motivated right now,
00:09:24.85\00:09:27.22
you are gonna go wow,
this is great, I'm not just
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a bad person this is
really why I'm motivated
00:09:30.19\00:09:32.39
because sometimes
in terms we get label
00:09:32.42\00:09:34.25
as bad or selfish
or stuff like that.
00:09:34.28\00:09:36.53
Now, you are just
internally motivated
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but you need to
understand that so you can
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be less selfish
and more understanding.
00:09:39.83\00:09:41.41
Isn't that pathetic?
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Okay, so let's talk to this.
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Internally motivated,
they think outside the box.
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And matter of
fact, there's usually
00:09:46.71\00:09:47.87
not a box inside, okay.
00:09:47.90\00:09:49.85
They are very
relative, and they are thinking,
00:09:49.88\00:09:51.52
they don't have right and
wrong and they are thinking.
00:09:51.55\00:09:53.44
Those cook up 38
ideas on something
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and not necessarily
think right or wrong.
00:09:55.67\00:09:57.96
That is good idea, so
they are just ideas okay,
00:09:57.99\00:10:00.60
they spit them out and
they love thinking about ideas.
00:10:00.63\00:10:02.72
They tend to over
value their ideas.
00:10:02.75\00:10:04.95
Their ideas even
though they only took them
00:10:04.98\00:10:07.32
a microsecond to come up with
it are really valuable to them.
00:10:07.35\00:10:11.51
I know that I got some.
00:10:11.54\00:10:14.59
Yeah, yeah exactly.
00:10:14.62\00:10:16.27
So if you insult their ideas,
boy, you are gonna really,
00:10:16.30\00:10:18.83
you know, they are gonna get
really offended by that, okay.
00:10:18.86\00:10:21.25
Now, they like
speed in making decisions.
00:10:21.28\00:10:25.94
Now they are not
to be right decisions
00:10:25.97\00:10:27.73
they just had to be made,
you know, quick, quick, quick
00:10:27.76\00:10:30.57
we made five decisions.
00:10:30.60\00:10:31.68
I feel great, let's go to lunch.
00:10:31.71\00:10:33.09
Okay, you know,
where the externals
00:10:33.12\00:10:35.27
like thinking
they are first one,
00:10:35.30\00:10:36.83
but see now, think about this.
00:10:36.86\00:10:38.75
An internally motivated person
likes to make decisions what?
00:10:38.78\00:10:40.93
Fast. An
externally motivated person
00:10:40.96\00:10:43.67
likes to think
through the things.
00:10:43.70\00:10:46.04
Can you see how
marriage is gonna be--
00:10:46.07\00:10:47.62
I was just getting
ready to ask that question.
00:10:47.65\00:10:49.44
A very, very difficult thing.
00:10:49.47\00:10:50.55
If I don't
understand how you process
00:10:50.58\00:10:51.90
and inside all gonna
be by the way I process
00:10:51.93\00:10:54.40
we are gonna fast,
whether I am internally
00:10:54.43\00:10:56.24
or externally motivated. Right.
00:10:56.27\00:10:58.19
Because you are not
doing it the way I would do it.
00:10:58.22\00:11:00.01
Now, is it possible to be a
good blend of both of these?
00:11:00.04\00:11:05.27
Yeah, rarely. Usually you tend
00:11:05.30\00:11:06.62
to slide towards
one side or the other.
00:11:06.65\00:11:08.23
Now, as a Christian
God is gonna balance us.
00:11:08.26\00:11:11.21
You see what I'm saying?
00:11:11.24\00:11:12.47
Because I'm mostly
internal but I've really learned
00:11:12.50\00:11:14.35
a lot about right and
wrong in doing stuff well,
00:11:14.38\00:11:18.15
and that kind of stuff.
00:11:18.18\00:11:19.86
So as a parent or
as a Christian mate
00:11:19.89\00:11:22.19
or a mate in general, you
don't have to be a Christian
00:11:22.22\00:11:25.03
to want to
practice these principles.
00:11:25.06\00:11:27.54
When you recognize as
you begin to recognize
00:11:27.57\00:11:31.45
your mate or your
child and how to motivated,
00:11:31.48\00:11:33.75
how can you become successful,
particularly if you got,
00:11:33.78\00:11:38.36
it seems to me that
it to be a good balance
00:11:38.39\00:11:40.65
to have a husband
or wife better opposite
00:11:40.68\00:11:43.53
because if you are
both, externally motivated
00:11:43.56\00:11:46.46
its gonna take you for
ever to make a decision.
00:11:46.49\00:11:48.41
Well, you don't make decisions,
you just kind of follow rules.
00:11:48.44\00:11:50.73
All right, and if
you are internally
00:11:50.76\00:11:53.12
motivated both of
you, you may be making
00:11:53.15\00:11:55.08
some nice decisions
and lot of mistakes.
00:11:55.11\00:11:57.60
Yes. So how do you become
00:11:57.63\00:11:59.48
successful in dealing with?
00:11:59.51\00:12:02.13
Yeah, we are
getting right to that.
00:12:02.16\00:12:03.19
Let me finish
the internal thing.
00:12:03.22\00:12:04.89
I wasn't done yet.
They don't see consequences
00:12:04.92\00:12:09.14
because their
ideas are really good.
00:12:09.17\00:12:10.36
They don't see that
if I make this widget
00:12:10.39\00:12:11.93
and we put a say X
amount of money to making
00:12:11.96\00:12:14.47
this widget that no
one wants to buy it.
00:12:14.50\00:12:17.07
They just think
it's so wonderful
00:12:17.10\00:12:18.13
I did they
thought of this widget
00:12:18.16\00:12:19.19
World is abounding with stories
of create being inventors
00:12:19.22\00:12:22.95
of the widgets who
blew all of the finances.
00:12:22.98\00:12:25.70
Oh, yeah, yeah and that's--
that's every where, okay.
00:12:25.73\00:12:28.40
Now the internally motivated
person also accepts conflicts
00:12:28.43\00:12:31.92
and absolutely likes conflict.
00:12:31.95\00:12:34.08
You know, if my
daughter is a little bored
00:12:34.11\00:12:36.62
she will create conflict
because she likes conflict.
00:12:36.65\00:12:39.07
She likes to think fast,
she likes to make decisions
00:12:39.10\00:12:41.70
fast and she
likes to just go at it.
00:12:41.73\00:12:44.18
You know, me and her
sometimes we just have fun.
00:12:44.21\00:12:46.13
My wife is like
what are you guys doing?
00:12:46.16\00:12:47.40
We are just having fun.
00:12:47.43\00:12:48.84
You know, just interacting about
00:12:48.87\00:12:51.31
something and so the
internally motivated person
00:12:51.34\00:12:53.45
accepts conflicts,
actually likes conflict.
00:12:53.48\00:12:55.65
And again you can see the
internally likes conflict,
00:12:55.68\00:12:58.59
the external
doesn't like conflict.
00:12:58.62\00:13:00.07
So when you are
parenting a child,
00:13:00.10\00:13:02.64
I started to ask
you a question, Doug,
00:13:02.67\00:13:04.82
if it would be easier
to parent the external
00:13:04.85\00:13:07.21
or the internally motivated
child but that's gonna depend
00:13:07.24\00:13:11.02
whole lot on your personality,
00:13:11.05\00:13:12.85
yourself isn't
it. Absolutely, yeah,
00:13:12.88\00:13:14.34
if you are an external,
you have an external child
00:13:14.37\00:13:16.11
you are gonna love that child.
00:13:16.14\00:13:17.94
Okay, if you are internally
motivated and you are having
00:13:17.97\00:13:20.17
internally
motivated child you probably
00:13:20.20\00:13:21.34
are going to have
some favor with them.
00:13:21.37\00:13:22.94
But, both of you gonna get
frustrations with the other one.
00:13:22.97\00:13:25.68
Right. Do you
know what I am saying?
00:13:25.71\00:13:27.34
So yeah, it's good
00:13:27.37\00:13:28.65
if you both-- if
you work through that.
00:13:28.68\00:13:30.25
Now for an
internally motivated person,
00:13:30.28\00:13:32.38
listening does tend to
be little difficult because
00:13:32.41\00:13:34.44
they are really are thinking
what they are going to say,
00:13:34.47\00:13:36.56
as supposed to what
the other is saying.
00:13:36.59\00:13:39.64
And you know,
Christ wants to bounces out
00:13:39.67\00:13:41.88
these things, okay, but these
00:13:41.91\00:13:43.53
are generally characteristics.
00:13:43.56\00:13:44.74
Now one other thing is
the internally motivated
00:13:44.77\00:13:46.15
person has is an
unlimited amount of persistence.
00:13:46.18\00:13:49.17
Okay. They can read, read, read
00:13:49.20\00:13:52.20
or study, study, study or
work, work, work or do it.
00:13:52.23\00:13:54.64
If they have it in their
mind to get something done,
00:13:54.67\00:13:56.71
it is done and they
will put the persistence
00:13:56.74\00:14:00.30
into it that's a long
night, a long year or five years
00:14:00.33\00:14:04.85
to get one thing
done. Perseverance is just--
00:14:04.88\00:14:08.05
Perseverance is
one of their strength.
00:14:08.08\00:14:09.33
So you can see how
these are different,
00:14:09.36\00:14:12.03
okay and how we,
how we need to work
00:14:12.06\00:14:14.16
with these to make it good.
00:14:14.19\00:14:15.85
So, now, getting
back to that question
00:14:15.88\00:14:18.05
though before-- I
so rudely interrupted
00:14:18.08\00:14:20.62
you before you finished.
00:14:20.65\00:14:21.72
Is how does-- how do
you become successful
00:14:21.75\00:14:25.72
if you are internally
motivated and you are married
00:14:25.75\00:14:28.61
to a spouse who is
externally motivated
00:14:28.64\00:14:30.98
or vice versa or
with your children?
00:14:31.01\00:14:33.72
At work how do you
successfully manage
00:14:33.75\00:14:38.65
the differences between
you and the other person?
00:14:38.69\00:14:41.86
Well, I think
there is two things.
00:14:41.89\00:14:43.04
One is having knowledge,
in The Ten-Minute Marriage,
00:14:43.07\00:14:45.45
we talked about
understanding this.
00:14:45.48\00:14:47.79
And I actually encourage
couples to like memorize
00:14:47.82\00:14:50.59
these lists so they can go
oh, okay, this is what goes on.
00:14:50.62\00:14:55.02
Secondly, you know, I
could talk about scripture.
00:14:55.05\00:14:57.09
Try to deal with
someone peaceably
00:14:57.12\00:14:59.29
if you can't do that
with out genuine respect.
00:14:59.32\00:15:02.30
See I have learnt
to respect my wife.
00:15:02.33\00:15:03.97
Let me tell you,
when we first got married
00:15:04.00\00:15:05.67
its kind of difficult because
I would have ideas all the time.
00:15:05.70\00:15:09.33
You know, written 20 books
00:15:09.36\00:15:10.39
and some ideas are okay,
okay, but I have these ideas
00:15:10.42\00:15:12.99
all the time, okay and Lisa
00:15:13.02\00:15:15.46
would have a way
I called the ooze.
00:15:15.49\00:15:17.78
She would shoot my ideas
full of holes all the time.
00:15:17.81\00:15:21.72
And for the first
couple of years of marriage,
00:15:21.75\00:15:23.65
I would get mad about that.
00:15:23.68\00:15:25.16
It's always
negative and you know,
00:15:25.19\00:15:27.15
blah-blah-blah, I would really
00:15:27.18\00:15:28.24
kind of attack her strength.
00:15:28.30\00:15:30.75
See I didn't realize her seeing
00:15:30.78\00:15:32.40
the consequences was a strength.
00:15:32.43\00:15:34.52
Right. I saw that as a weakness
00:15:34.55\00:15:36.45
because it didn't fit my
particular motivation style.
00:15:36.48\00:15:39.63
And you think totally different.
00:15:39.66\00:15:41.17
Yeah, and so it took me
00:15:41.20\00:15:43.02
a while to realize that God's
gift to me was Lisa and her gift
00:15:43.05\00:15:46.52
to me is this ability to
see all the things at a wrong.
00:15:46.55\00:15:49.76
So now, I have
learned to present
00:15:49.79\00:15:52.92
my idea to Lisa,
let her think about it,
00:15:52.95\00:15:55.53
should all the full she wants
it and then go fix the holes
00:15:55.56\00:15:59.04
and then the
idea actually works.
00:15:59.07\00:16:01.08
Well that's good.
00:16:01.11\00:16:02.52
You see what I am
saying? So, yes, that's--
00:16:02.55\00:16:04.61
That's respecting who she is.
00:16:04.64\00:16:06.13
And that when you respect
who she is you are looking
00:16:06.16\00:16:08.62
at the strength
of what she brings.
00:16:08.65\00:16:12.05
And run through
that for just a second.
00:16:12.08\00:16:14.02
What are some of the strengths
00:16:14.05\00:16:15.58
for the
externally motivated person?
00:16:15.61\00:16:18.86
You get Perseverance one.
00:16:18.89\00:16:20.41
No, no, no that's internal,
00:16:20.44\00:16:21.83
okay, so thinking of
the consequences is one.
00:16:21.86\00:16:24.78
God bless your strength, sure.
All right, what are some other?
00:16:24.81\00:16:26.68
Whether they are
moral right or wrong
00:16:26.71\00:16:28.05
this is really your strength.
00:16:28.08\00:16:29.31
You know, like if
you're a Christian
00:16:29.34\00:16:30.52
and you are driving down
the street and you are thinking,
00:16:30.55\00:16:32.21
you know, that's a
nice piece of real estate.
00:16:32.24\00:16:33.73
You know, what you go there
00:16:33.76\00:16:34.92
and if something
that be told appropriate
00:16:34.95\00:16:36.88
because you're internally
motivated you think it would do,
00:16:36.91\00:16:38.86
good there even though its wrong
00:16:38.89\00:16:39.95
to have that have
that kind of business.
00:16:39.98\00:16:41.46
You know I'm saying were
the externally motivated person
00:16:41.49\00:16:43.85
never even think
about that because
00:16:43.88\00:16:45.27
it's wrong to start with.
00:16:45.30\00:16:47.25
So, I go J. D. use to
tell me when we first married
00:16:47.28\00:16:50.97
that I am either black or white,
00:16:51.00\00:16:53.05
I don't walk in a gray area.
00:16:53.08\00:16:56.09
That be more external of it.
00:16:56.12\00:16:57.57
That's defiantly right or wrong.
00:16:57.60\00:16:58.77
They don't have
relative thinking.
00:16:58.80\00:17:01.11
Okay. You know, they don't pay
00:17:01.14\00:17:02.83
their taxes late. You know,
00:17:02.86\00:17:04.05
I don't mean to keep it
planning two months or so.
00:17:04.08\00:17:05.65
They pay them on date.
00:17:05.68\00:17:07.20
I don't mean to keep
planning these to myself
00:17:07.23\00:17:08.72
but as everybody
out there is doing,
00:17:08.75\00:17:10.42
we are trying to
figure out who we are.
00:17:10.45\00:17:11.89
I can see myself in
both, is that something
00:17:11.92\00:17:14.63
that--I mean--
Don't be real actually.
00:17:14.66\00:17:17.88
All right.
Yeah, usually, usually
00:17:17.91\00:17:19.81
you are going to bend
more towards one or the other.
00:17:19.84\00:17:22.23
Now, your spouse may temper
00:17:22.26\00:17:24.03
that as well
because like with me,
00:17:24.06\00:17:26.22
I don't rely on my strength
to think few things like that.
00:17:26.25\00:17:29.45
I'll say for me I know Lisa
00:17:29.48\00:17:31.72
is gonna think
for something any way.
00:17:31.75\00:17:33.09
So I will say
to her that's okay,
00:17:33.12\00:17:34.82
now we have to make
this decision by Friday.
00:17:34.85\00:17:37.13
Okay, today is Monday
here is the information,
00:17:37.16\00:17:42.88
now, on Friday we are
going to make a decision okay.
00:17:42.91\00:17:46.43
So you give her time to
process. So I give you five days
00:17:46.46\00:17:48.82
So you give her a dead line.
00:17:48.85\00:17:49.98
Right, because if I don't give
00:17:50.01\00:17:51.05
a dead line, it won't happen.
00:17:51.08\00:17:52.92
Okay, so, I give
a deadline say okay,
00:17:52.95\00:17:55.55
we are gonna take on this
Friday so whatever you have
00:17:55.58\00:17:57.01
to bring to the table on Friday
00:17:57.04\00:17:58.24
we are going to
make this decision.
00:17:58.27\00:17:59.30
So bring it to the
table or walk through that.
00:17:59.33\00:18:01.20
So, I honor that
she has to need to think
00:18:01.23\00:18:04.36
two things and she
is to honor that we need
00:18:04.39\00:18:06.45
to eventually make a decision.
00:18:06.48\00:18:08.48
Now, that's with spouse.
00:18:08.51\00:18:09.89
With your child because you have
00:18:09.92\00:18:11.78
one that's externally motivated.
00:18:11.81\00:18:13.80
The weakness of the
externally motivated child
00:18:13.83\00:18:17.40
is that they are probably
not gonna make many decisions
00:18:17.43\00:18:20.13
if you don't tell them
do it they are not gonna
00:18:20.16\00:18:21.75
take the initiative
to do it on their own.
00:18:21.78\00:18:23.86
Right, so do
have to kind of say,
00:18:23.89\00:18:25.24
okay this is kind
of-- these are the options
00:18:25.27\00:18:27.95
for the summer what do
you want to do here, okay.
00:18:27.98\00:18:30.37
And they are kind of like,
well I need to think about it.
00:18:30.40\00:18:32.85
Okay, you can think about
it until tomorrow ad tomorrow
00:18:32.88\00:18:34.81
I want you to tell
me what you want to do.
00:18:34.84\00:18:36.52
So it's basically with
the external motivated person
00:18:36.55\00:18:39.31
you need to give
them that deadline
00:18:39.34\00:18:41.14
they need that frame of work.
00:18:41.17\00:18:42.85
It really helps
because otherwise
00:18:42.88\00:18:44.05
they will be thinking
about it and you know,
00:18:44.08\00:18:45.52
three weeks will go by.
00:18:45.55\00:18:47.09
All right. Do you
see what I am saying?
00:18:47.12\00:18:48.15
So thus help to
have a deadline for that.
00:18:48.18\00:18:50.13
Okay, now, with the internally
00:18:50.16\00:18:51.48
motivated person,
like a child, okay.
00:18:51.51\00:18:53.81
Like if I say to my
externally motivated child.
00:18:53.84\00:18:56.02
Hey, lets go to Blank
Restaurant tonight to go eat.
00:18:56.05\00:19:00.13
They go oh, that's great.
00:19:00.16\00:19:02.61
Okay now with my
internally motivated child
00:19:02.64\00:19:04.76
I have to her,
listen, why don't you give me
00:19:04.79\00:19:08.35
three restaurants
you would like to go
00:19:08.38\00:19:11.26
and I get to pick
which one. All right.
00:19:11.29\00:19:14.29
So all three were her
idea so I knew them are fine,
00:19:14.32\00:19:17.59
but I still get to pick
because I'm paying the bill.
00:19:17.62\00:19:20.72
So you see what I'm saying?
00:19:20.75\00:19:21.78
And so, but she
is fine with that.
00:19:21.81\00:19:23.31
Now if I told her,
listen, let's to x restaurant.
00:19:23.34\00:19:25.91
Even if it was
the same restaurant
00:19:25.94\00:19:27.15
she would have
picked, she will be mad
00:19:27.18\00:19:29.50
the whole time at
the restaurant because
00:19:29.53\00:19:31.71
she didn't have any
say in the restaurant.
00:19:31.74\00:19:33.74
Well, that's interesting.
00:19:33.77\00:19:34.94
You know, you can see
00:19:34.97\00:19:36.38
it as you are speaking
I can see in our staff--
00:19:36.41\00:19:40.65
Oh, sure. Thinking of friends,
00:19:40.68\00:19:42.58
that I'm recognizing some things
00:19:42.61\00:19:45.19
now in the way--the way
in which people operate.
00:19:45.22\00:19:47.90
Right, so this helps
you, it helps you in your life
00:19:47.93\00:19:49.98
in general but if you
understand that you are married,
00:19:50.01\00:19:51.63
see we are
talking about marriage
00:19:51.66\00:19:52.98
it really helps to
manage because if you,
00:19:53.01\00:19:55.86
like suppose you think you
are 'I' and because your 'I'
00:19:55.89\00:19:58.18
you know, you
are the ideal person.
00:19:58.21\00:19:59.36
You are not, okay.
00:19:59.39\00:20:00.80
But what happens is you will try
00:20:00.83\00:20:01.86
to make-- your spouse make
00:20:01.89\00:20:02.96
really fast
decisions, don't frustrate them
00:20:02.99\00:20:04.69
their whole life,
okay, or if you are E
00:20:04.72\00:20:08.05
and you keep trying
to put the decisions of.
00:20:08.08\00:20:09.60
Now tell us what the
'I' and 'E' are some people?
00:20:09.63\00:20:11.27
Internally
motivated, externally motivated.
00:20:11.30\00:20:12.97
Okay. Right, if
you are an externally
00:20:13.00\00:20:14.33
motivated person and you
are trying to get your spouse
00:20:14.36\00:20:16.62
to not make
decision you are going to put
00:20:16.65\00:20:19.90
them through the sealing.
00:20:19.93\00:20:22.38
I'm saying because they
have to make a decision.
00:20:22.41\00:20:24.27
It's almost, its almost,
you know, we got to get this.
00:20:24.30\00:20:26.80
Check off the box. Right
00:20:26.83\00:20:28.54
Okay, and if you keep putting
00:20:28.57\00:20:29.81
that box off and off and off
00:20:29.84\00:20:31.23
they are going to
get really marry you.
00:20:31.26\00:20:32.98
So give us some
examples from when you have been
00:20:33.01\00:20:35.40
and you are time
of counseling have
00:20:35.43\00:20:38.95
you had--had a couples
who once they recognize
00:20:38.98\00:20:42.60
that they start learning to work
00:20:42.63\00:20:44.37
with it but then as Christians
we are to gain some balance.
00:20:44.40\00:20:48.48
Yeah. So is there a way
00:20:48.51\00:20:49.99
that if you are 'I' you
are internally motivated
00:20:50.02\00:20:53.44
and you are an idea person
00:20:53.47\00:20:54.80
and you are just
Entrepreneur are I's I'm sure.
00:20:54.83\00:20:58.48
Yeah, almost always.
00:20:58.51\00:20:59.60
And typically what they
want to do is they got the idea
00:20:59.63\00:21:02.40
They want to start something.
You want to start something
00:21:02.43\00:21:03.64
but they don't
want to finish it.
00:21:03.67\00:21:04.81
They don't know
how to manage it.
00:21:04.84\00:21:05.87
They don't want to manage it.
00:21:05.90\00:21:06.95
So, they birth
but they don't raise.
00:21:06.98\00:21:08.58
Okay, so those are I's.
00:21:08.61\00:21:10.08
Right, so that you need
00:21:10.27\00:21:11.30
to--that's again
as an I you surround
00:21:11.33\00:21:13.05
yourself by E's and you
will be successful entrepreneur.
00:21:13.08\00:21:15.23
All right. The
smartest entrepreneur
00:21:15.26\00:21:16.99
is someone who knows to
birth the idea it takes them.
00:21:17.02\00:21:22.06
Then to get a
manager or to that are E's
00:21:22.09\00:21:25.43
and give the vision for the idea
and then they will manage it.
00:21:25.46\00:21:30.02
You know, what I am saying?
00:21:30.05\00:21:32.07
So it's kind of
like the I give the idea,
00:21:32.10\00:21:34.45
the E's manage it
and actually happens.
00:21:34.48\00:21:36.24
Either one with out
the other one doesn't work.
00:21:36.27\00:21:38.22
Because E's won't
think of the idea,
00:21:38.25\00:21:40.27
okay and I's can't
actually get it done long term.
00:21:40.30\00:21:43.46
All right, and so it is--
00:21:43.49\00:21:45.80
So it's kind of like
a male, female thing,
00:21:45.83\00:21:47.13
you need each
other to make this work.
00:21:47.16\00:21:48.74
Now the thing
is it's not gender.
00:21:48.77\00:21:50.74
Men are not always I's
and woman are not always E's.
00:21:50.77\00:21:53.97
That's true.
Okay, and so especially
00:21:54.00\00:21:55.88
like they--
actually one of the couples
00:21:55.91\00:21:57.16
that really brought
this to life to me was,
00:21:57.19\00:21:59.42
it was a woman who is
very successful woman,
00:21:59.45\00:22:01.67
I mean
multimillionaire, ideal going,
00:22:01.70\00:22:03.81
just--you know wakes
up at 5 goes to bed at 12.
00:22:03.84\00:22:06.95
I mean bang, bang, bang, runs
00:22:06.98\00:22:08.79
a couple of companies
and this kind of stuff.
00:22:08.82\00:22:10.17
And she marry this guy, okay,
who was totally I mean like--
00:22:10.20\00:22:15.34
Totally externally
motivated. Totally externally
00:22:15.37\00:22:16.95
motivated I mean
if he wasn't been
00:22:16.98\00:22:19.09
told what to do, this was
kind of and she was getting
00:22:19.12\00:22:21.50
so mad at him because he
never came up with ideas,
00:22:21.53\00:22:24.47
he never really,
you know contributed
00:22:24.50\00:22:27.60
in the way she wished he would.
00:22:27.63\00:22:29.27
And she thought
well, he is just not a man
00:22:29.30\00:22:31.38
because he was a
man he would take up
00:22:31.41\00:22:33.07
by the bull horns and
he just run this thing.
00:22:33.10\00:22:35.55
You know, but
see she had no idea
00:22:35.58\00:22:37.56
and so I explain this to her.
00:22:37.59\00:22:38.62
I said, listen there is
nothing wrong with your husband,
00:22:38.65\00:22:40.05
he is wonderful the way he is.
00:22:40.08\00:22:41.99
He is externally motivated.
00:22:42.02\00:22:43.45
He is never gonna be you.
00:22:43.48\00:22:46.99
And you can accept that or
you can't shame him for it.
00:22:47.02\00:22:50.91
And it helped to her to kind
of put in the context to go,
00:22:50.94\00:22:53.25
okay so he helps
you with your strengths,
00:22:53.28\00:22:56.58
and you need to
accept his strength
00:22:56.61\00:22:58.30
and not try to
make him like you.
00:22:58.33\00:23:00.26
Because again if
you're trying to make him
00:23:00.29\00:23:01.40
like you that's
not a good thing.
00:23:01.43\00:23:03.45
So Doug, when you
have-- I can see where there
00:23:03.48\00:23:06.75
will be a lot of benefits
like between you and Lisa.
00:23:06.78\00:23:09.40
Oh we are great team.
00:23:09.43\00:23:10.66
That's makes an excellent team.
00:23:10.69\00:23:12.11
What happens though if you
get two I's who are married?
00:23:12.14\00:23:15.51
Two people who are
both internally motivated.
00:23:15.54\00:23:17.46
They both have staffs.
00:23:17.49\00:23:18.63
They have to have a staff.
00:23:18.66\00:23:20.39
They both have staff, if
they do they gonna do great.
00:23:20.43\00:23:22.66
You know, if each
one has a secretary
00:23:22.69\00:23:24.32
or someone help them with
the children and they run great.
00:23:24.35\00:23:27.15
But they usually
have support people.
00:23:27.18\00:23:29.05
But in the marriage let's
say that we got two people
00:23:29.08\00:23:32.60
out here that are watching right
now and they both recognize
00:23:32.63\00:23:35.09
that we are both
internally motivated,
00:23:35.12\00:23:37.18
we make risky decisions.
00:23:37.21\00:23:39.40
Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:23:39.43\00:23:40.52
How do-- how do
they begin to curb
00:23:40.55\00:23:43.02
one another if they
recognize they both are I's?
00:23:43.05\00:23:44.52
Yeah, usually it takes them
to 40 to 50 to start doing that,
00:23:44.55\00:23:46.70
because they have
to make enough mistakes
00:23:46.73\00:23:48.00
to realize they can't
trust her on decision making.
00:23:48.03\00:23:49.68
All right. And then what you do
00:23:49.71\00:23:51.15
is just surround
yourself by people
00:23:51.18\00:23:52.21
who are E's like
accounts or financial people
00:23:52.24\00:23:54.97
are the people like that.
00:23:55.00\00:23:56.05
And you let them help
to make that decision.
00:23:56.08\00:23:57.82
Okay, and then if you got
two-- say we have a young couple
00:23:57.85\00:24:01.61
watching us or
they may not be young,
00:24:01.64\00:24:03.83
may be they are older
couple now and they both
00:24:03.86\00:24:06.63
externally motivated
and they are realizing.
00:24:06.66\00:24:08.85
That turns to be a
little easier because they both
00:24:08.88\00:24:12.52
go to the same
church through 50 years,
00:24:12.55\00:24:14.09
they both go to the, you know,
00:24:14.12\00:24:15.66
they both have the same
job for 40 years and life seems
00:24:15.69\00:24:18.39
to have a certain
pattern, and there is not
00:24:18.42\00:24:20.34
a lot of
conflict. How do they get
00:24:20.37\00:24:21.40
to the decision
making? But they don't--well,
00:24:21.43\00:24:23.13
they don't necessarily have
to make lot of hard decisions.
00:24:23.16\00:24:25.59
They set their
life up so they don't.
00:24:25.62\00:24:27.05
Okay, okay. You
know so, so unless,
00:24:27.08\00:24:30.36
unless there is something
that's creating a crises
00:24:30.39\00:24:32.05
that's creating fast
decisions and stuff like that.
00:24:32.08\00:24:34.75
Now what unfortunately
happens to this poor couple
00:24:34.78\00:24:37.40
is they tend to birth at least
one internally motivated child.
00:24:37.43\00:24:42.19
And then the challenge begins.
00:24:42.22\00:24:43.77
Then they are
gonna like we don't know
00:24:43.80\00:24:44.97
what we are doing here, okay.
00:24:45.00\00:24:46.15
And so but other
than that you know,
00:24:46.18\00:24:48.90
suppose you got two engineers,
00:24:48.93\00:24:50.57
you know, and they
both externally motivated
00:24:50.60\00:24:52.66
they both have the
same career for years,
00:24:52.69\00:24:54.54
they raise
externally motivated kids.
00:24:54.57\00:24:56.35
This is gonna be no harm that
there is not a lot of conflict,
00:24:56.38\00:24:59.03
but there is
not a lot of change,
00:24:59.06\00:25:01.15
not a lot of risk, there's not
a lot of innovation, you know.
00:25:01.18\00:25:04.68
So there is some weakness
but not necessarily weakness
00:25:04.71\00:25:07.58
that would be experienced
by anybody in the system.
00:25:07.61\00:25:09.63
Okay. So once you
recognize these they're always
00:25:09.66\00:25:14.87
to learn to just
appreciate the difference.
00:25:14.90\00:25:17.85
Yes. And as we said-- Oh,
actually capitalize on it.
00:25:17.88\00:25:19.86
Capitalize, I like that.
00:25:19.89\00:25:21.43
See I capitalize
on Lisa's strengths.
00:25:21.46\00:25:23.46
Her strength to see consequences
00:25:23.50\00:25:24.87
I've going to capitalize.
00:25:24.90\00:25:26.06
Her strength to
see right or wrong,
00:25:26.09\00:25:27.93
I have capitalize on.
00:25:27.96\00:25:29.07
I'm saying her strength
that process through things
00:25:29.11\00:25:31.52
I've capitalized on, okay.
00:25:31.55\00:25:33.45
So I have learned to
capitalize on those strengths
00:25:33.48\00:25:35.26
because they
are strengths to me.
00:25:35.29\00:25:36.35
And what are your
strengths as an I?
00:25:36.38\00:25:37.90
Because they are not
my reflective strength.
00:25:37.93\00:25:40.53
Has she learned to appreciate
00:25:40.56\00:25:42.00
your strengths as an
I Internally motivated?
00:25:42.03\00:25:43.40
She is growing
to, she is growing to.
00:25:43.43\00:25:45.63
What are the strengths of the I?
00:25:45.66\00:25:47.75
Being able to make a decision,
00:25:47.78\00:25:48.89
being able to
make fast decision,
00:25:48.92\00:25:49.97
being on the
process information quickly.
00:25:50.00\00:25:51.59
So she has
learned that that's a gift
00:25:51.62\00:25:53.61
and that at times
she appreciates it.
00:25:53.64\00:25:55.92
Its harder for her
because you know for her
00:25:55.95\00:25:58.74
to appreciate mine is
like she has to come out
00:25:58.77\00:26:00.66
of that safe box
and I'm like over here,
00:26:00.69\00:26:04.27
let's fly, let's
have a good time,
00:26:04.30\00:26:05.95
let's go and she is like, well,
can we think about this first.
00:26:05.98\00:26:09.79
I'm like you can
think about having fun,
00:26:09.82\00:26:11.49
just up jump on the four wheeler
and let's go, girl, you know.
00:26:11.52\00:26:14.59
And so, so she
learned to kind of be fluid.
00:26:14.62\00:26:19.32
And in that yes, she is accepted
00:26:19.35\00:26:21.23
it but she is still
doesn't have like this really
00:26:21.26\00:26:23.08
great appreciation
for how much pain I bring
00:26:23.11\00:26:25.25
to her because of the
okay, lets go out of the box.
00:26:25.28\00:26:28.14
You know I'm saying?
00:26:28.17\00:26:29.62
Now, one quick question
we only have a minute left.
00:26:29.65\00:26:31.60
What's in my mind right now
is ten circumstances influence.
00:26:31.63\00:26:35.06
Let's say that you are born
in I but you are in a really
00:26:35.09\00:26:37.72
dysfunctional home.
00:26:37.75\00:26:38.96
Can you live like as an
E, an externally motivated
00:26:38.99\00:26:42.50
person just to
try to calm things?
00:26:42.53\00:26:44.09
Try to survive things,
sure you could do that.
00:26:44.12\00:26:45.15
Yes, so there is this--
00:26:45.18\00:26:46.21
You should adopt,
if you have to adapt
00:26:46.24\00:26:47.73
in your family system you
will make those augmentations.
00:26:47.76\00:26:50.41
Okay, like if you are
00:26:50.44\00:26:51.99
an I and you are
raised by two E's.
00:26:52.02\00:26:54.22
They just tell
you, you do things
00:26:54.25\00:26:55.75
that's the right thing to do.
00:26:55.78\00:26:57.07
All right, don't be creative,
00:26:57.10\00:26:59.05
don't try, don't
risk, you might actually run
00:26:59.08\00:27:02.69
that message so
deeply you could alter
00:27:02.72\00:27:04.29
who you are or vise versa.
00:27:04.32\00:27:06.77
Or as you, as
then as you grow older
00:27:06.80\00:27:07.98
you may find that you
gone through some changes.
00:27:08.01\00:27:10.06
This is really
interesting stuff.
00:27:10.09\00:27:12.10
Yes. I wish we had more time
00:27:12.13\00:27:13.73
to talk about that but I
think that you really given
00:27:13.76\00:27:15.78
something people to
tune on and thank you,
00:27:15.81\00:27:18.20
so much for coming today.
00:27:18.23\00:27:19.26
You are welcome.
00:27:19.29\00:27:21.44
We are so glad that
you joined us today,
00:27:21.47\00:27:23.08
and hope that may
be you have recognized
00:27:23.11\00:27:24.93
whether you are an I or an E.
00:27:24.96\00:27:26.83
This is something that I think
00:27:26.86\00:27:28.10
is important in-- to understand
00:27:28.13\00:27:30.99
and to appreciate the
difference of your spouse
00:27:31.02\00:27:34.04
and learn to play to
one another strengths.
00:27:34.07\00:27:36.74
And as Dr. Weiss has
told us we also need to learn
00:27:36.77\00:27:40.54
to be more balanced when
we recognize our weaknesses.
00:27:40.57\00:27:43.54
We thank you, so
much for joining us.
00:27:43.57\00:27:45.40
Remember what Paul
said, "If possible,
00:27:45.43\00:27:47.70
as far as it depends on you,
00:27:47.73\00:27:49.17
learn to live at
peace with everyone."
00:27:49.20\00:27:51.88
Particularly
your spouse. Bye, bye.
00:27:51.91\00:27:54.24