Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000349
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00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn.
00:31 And welcome again to "Issues and Answers." 00:33 We're so glad that you can join us today 00:36 and we're talking about something 00:37 I think is very interesting. 00:39 Something you may not have thought off. 00:41 And that is that every marriage 00:43 has some type of government set up. 00:47 And you know, God is a God of systems, 00:50 he's a God of order. 00:51 In fact in 1 Corinthians 14:33, the Bible says, 00:55 Paul wrote and he says, For He is not a God of confusion 01:00 and disorder but of peace and order." 01:03 So your government in the marriage, 01:07 how the husband and the wife relate to one another 01:10 maybe something that it just happened by osmosis 01:13 or it maybe by design. 01:14 But here today to talk to us 01:16 about the healthiest type of marriage, 01:19 returning again is Dr. Douglas Weiss. 01:22 Feels good to be here. 01:23 I'm so glad that you're back. 01:25 Thank you very much. 01:26 Now you are the author of 20 books. Yes, ma'am. 01:29 And a lot of your books have to do with marriage 01:32 and what are some of the other things 01:34 that you're kind of an expo-- 01:36 What we do, you know, men's issues 01:37 we do a lot with recovery because we have a lot of 01:39 you know, recovery background, 01:40 we specialize in addictions and so. 01:42 We do a lot of writing in that area as well. 01:44 And we is Heart to Heart? 01:46 Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, yes, ma'am. 01:48 And so you are a licensed psychologist. 01:51 Licensed psychologist. Yes ma'am. 01:52 You also have a degree and couple of bible degrees. 01:54 I have four degrees. You got more degrees. 01:56 Just for fun. Right. All right. 01:58 And you have written a book 02:00 that we're going to talk about today is 02:02 "The Ten Minute Marriage Principle." 02:03 And these are just quick daily steps 02:05 for the refreshing your relationship. 02:08 But in specific we want to talk about the types of government, 02:12 there are several different types of governments. 02:14 Yes. Yes, there are. 02:15 Well, first talk about how many marriages are structured. 02:18 Okay, especially in the western culture 02:20 and now in some other cultures, 02:21 you know, they pretty much have just, you know, 02:23 the man is less than God but just sort of. 02:26 Okay, but in western cultures, so we have democracy, 02:28 women have value and they have significance in quality 02:31 so they think when they're married 02:32 they are actually married into a democracy. 02:34 Where they can be heard and listen to, 02:36 they get to vote and all that kind of stuff, right. 02:39 But the men still in our cultures 02:40 lot of men who think they are monarchs. 02:43 So I'm saying even Christ ma'am Yeah. 02:45 I'm going to rule over you. 02:47 And they love to use that equations quite a bit, 02:50 wives be submissive to your husbands. 02:52 Yeah, they don't like those mutual in some of the verses. 02:54 And they don't like that 02:55 there's no male and female in Christ Jesus verses. 02:57 But they do like to adverse. Yes. Yeah. 02:59 And but Jesus is a servant head. 03:01 If men become servant heads, 03:03 then that picture is really helpful. 03:05 If they become mold over heads then they've got a problem 03:07 with the Lord of with their life anyways, 03:09 so we're not getting into that. 03:11 People like to discuss that theology. 03:12 And I like theology but in practice what happens is 03:15 often times one person thinks he's the king or queen 03:18 and the other person has a different idea of government. 03:19 Now you can see those two systems don't work. 03:21 Right. Okay. 03:23 And so what happens is often times the couple will devolve 03:27 into a chaotic government or someone's may be the monarch 03:31 and the other person wants to be the monarch for the day. 03:34 And then it kind of keep doing this thing, 03:35 you know what I'm saying. 03:36 And nothing is really getting done in that kind of government 03:38 except constantly overthrowing the other person. 03:40 And that's-- And that does not reflected what you describe. 03:43 And that is. It is not. 03:45 Yeah, that is disorder, there is no peace. 03:47 There is a lot of anger going on and a lot of bickering 03:51 and one-upmanship 03:53 and a struggle for power within marriage. 03:55 Yeah, what you described are classic symptoms of someone 03:57 who have, who has never sat down with their spouse 03:59 and said, okay, what kind of government are we. 04:01 When I do a conference I'll say, okay, 04:04 you all sometimes you might text this to all, you know. 04:06 I say, how many of you all, okay, have a government? 04:12 They all do, they just don't know. 04:13 Oh, they all have it but they don't know what it is. 04:15 What is a government? 04:16 They don't have a clue, and they will give me like 04:17 we'd say in Texas like a coward and you gaze. 04:20 Yeah. What does that mean? 04:21 A government, and I thought 04:22 maybe we're just manipulate him or her. 04:26 And so God isn't into manipulation. 04:28 He never uses it, never wants us to use it, 04:30 it's not reflective of who he is and his nature. 04:32 Right. Okay. 04:33 His nature is peace and order. 04:36 So just get me the outline, let's before we go into 04:40 the specifics of each type of government. 04:43 What types of governments are there? 04:44 There's the monarch. 04:45 Yeah, the monarch government basically is there is one person 04:48 who lords over the other person. 04:50 You've got a king or queen, 04:51 depending on the gender of that monarch. 04:53 And the other person is the servant 04:55 who carries out the orders of the king or queen. 04:56 Okay, and that can be king or queen. 04:58 Sometimes the queen withholds things 05:00 so that the other person is what they want. 05:02 Right. So that's one type. 05:03 You know that's one type of government. 05:05 The second type is-- The second type is theocracy. 05:08 Basically what people through the governments of time, 05:10 before time there was-- there was, 05:12 is and always will be a Government with trinity. 05:14 We have no word for that really. 05:17 Three equal beings who operate interdependently 05:19 and confer with one another with absolute respect for each other. 05:23 In the world we don't have that system 05:25 so we have these. 05:26 At first it was Tower of Babel which was monarchy 05:29 and after monarchy, you know, because the people went-- 05:31 children and people went to Egypt they were under monarch 05:34 because they thought he was God, I mean, 05:35 so that's a monarch for sure. 05:37 Okay then God take them out of the monarchy 05:40 and moves him into a theocracy. 05:43 Where there is no King. 05:45 There are 12 guys in the room 05:46 who fragmentally see and hear God. 05:52 And I tried to put this together to get 05:54 what God's really saying between the 12 of them. 05:57 And then they kind of go with what God is saying, 05:59 threw them all as a group, kind of like aiming okay, 06:03 that's our best example where there is no leader. 06:06 So in a marriage that has a theocracy 06:10 as the government style 06:12 that would be like the idea of the triangle 06:15 where you're seeking God, the closer you both get to God, 06:19 closer you're getting to each other. 06:20 Another thing is that, that's part of it, 06:22 but the other thing is that. 06:23 Now honestly most Christian couples 06:24 are not mature enough to have theocracy. 06:26 That's why you are seeking the will of Lord in your both-- 06:28 Because you have to understand that God speaks to your spouse 06:31 differently than you do for different giftings. 06:33 And God is able to speak through your spouse, 06:36 through those different giftings. Right. 06:38 And that you don't own all the truth. 06:40 Amen. 06:42 So you have to seek together the fragments that she has, 06:45 the fragments that he has 06:47 and put them together on a table 06:48 and ask God to just turn what's been going on here. 06:51 You know, both have lot of humility not to be God. 06:54 Amen. Not to think it's you. 06:56 So sometimes I hook up with worse to get too much equations 06:58 but often times that's frustrating 07:00 because one person wants to be God 07:01 that throws you back into monarchy. 07:05 You see what saying. 07:06 One with religious overtones but still it's monarchy. 07:08 Oh, I'm here from God you also follow me. 07:10 Okay, great. 07:12 And I'm not sure that's the best model. 07:14 So anyway, so theocracy is a government 07:16 and it did work for short period of time 07:18 but then they want to be back like the other cultures 07:20 and so that's a monarchy. 07:21 Remember they went back and they wanted the king-- 07:23 Okay, so they got Saul, David etcetera, okay. 07:25 Then as you move to time in 1776, 1776, yeah, 07:30 there was a new government establish 07:31 that's called the democracy. 07:33 People have equal value, people are to be heard. 07:36 And they're to vote on and stuff. 07:38 So now that's system you go on everything. 07:40 Okay, that can get kind of wearisome, 07:42 you know, we live in democracy. 07:43 It can be very combustive at times, okay. 07:46 Then there's a government that have flawed 07:48 about the industrial revolution, okay which is a corporation. 07:51 Corporations operate differently. 07:54 They set a VP's of A, B, C, D, E, okay. 07:57 And then there's the board, okay, 07:59 and there is a president and in our case, 08:01 used to be President but you get the VP 08:03 who does these things in the household, 08:04 they manage these things, the VP over here who does these things. 08:07 And they don't have to obey each other, 08:09 they can consult one another 08:10 but they aren't to obey each other. 08:12 So one maybe that in the marriage 08:14 one maybe the VP of-- The garden. 08:17 You see the VP of the garden. 08:18 And so I'm the VP of the garden 08:19 and I would ask my wife you know, I'm the VP though, 08:22 I make final decision, I'm the VP of the garden. 08:24 I say, you know, I'm thinking about potatoes or tomatoes. 08:26 See as well potatoes will probably be good 08:28 and I'm thinking about, I decide tomatoes. 08:30 See I'm not, in disobedience of her 08:33 because she's not the VP of that area, 08:35 she's only consultant. 08:37 And I decide not to take that consultant's advice. 08:39 All right. You see what I'm saying. 08:41 This is fun, isn't it? 08:42 And she may say I'm VP of decorating the house. 08:45 That's it, whatever, 08:46 but you agree on it first in writing, well, who is what? 08:48 All right. Okay, and then there's the board issues. 08:50 Okay, like where we live? What church we go to? 08:53 Where the kids go to school? 08:55 You know expenses over x amount. 08:56 Those are board issues. 08:58 So now the VP has to come to the board meeting together 09:01 as equals and say, okay, we need to hash this out. 09:04 Now if they can't hash it out, they can bring a third person 09:06 to the board and work that out. 09:08 Like suppose it's the financial issue, 09:09 they can make their accountant, the third person on the board. 09:12 Okay. Did that make sense? 09:13 Hm-hmm. It does. Whatever the accountant says, 09:15 it's kind of where we're going to go. Okay. 09:17 And so those are the different forms of government, okay. 09:20 And what do you see typically with immature people 09:25 you probably looking at this monarchy? 09:28 We've got people who are vying for the power and control. 09:32 But then as people grow in spiritual, 09:35 in their relationship with the God, 09:37 in relationship with one another, 09:39 is there type of a transition we've got two immature people 09:43 coming together and they are vying for this. 09:46 You know, really 'cause sometimes we get this stuff 09:47 from our family of origin. 09:48 And we think whatever our dad and mom did 09:50 was the way it should be, okay. 09:51 And honestly God uses every form of government we just discussed. 09:56 So you're not saying that 09:57 one is more healthy than the one other? 10:00 Well, if you're married to an American woman 10:01 you'll have a hard time sowing monarchy. 10:04 There are cultures where God, 10:06 ministerial gods and they can get away with that. 10:07 But in western culture it's kind of a tough so. Okay. 10:10 But God is monarchy, okay, he use kings 10:14 and he used kings throughout history, 10:15 secular and the Israel kings, okay. 10:19 God uses theocracy 10:20 when He gets the opportunity to be in that position. 10:23 God uses democracy 10:25 and has used democracy throughout the world since 1776. 10:29 Okay, he uses corporations to a place where the coke is, 10:32 where Jesus isn't. 10:34 Well, what is? Coke, you know the soda. 10:37 Okay. 10:38 It's in places where the gospel hasn't been preached yet. 10:40 I see what you're saying. 10:41 Same say God he can use a corporation 10:43 to make a hedge way into a culture. 10:47 You see what I'm saying. I think I do. 10:49 God do, what I'm saying, is God uses all those element. 10:52 So you're gonna-- some Christians want to do 10:54 right and wrong on this. 10:56 One is bad, one is good. 10:57 What you're saying is just 10:58 whatever really works as long as-- Yeah. 11:00 So you have to be in agreement 11:01 on which one you're going to set up. 11:02 All right. Okay. 11:03 Now I would suggest you consult the Lord in that process. 11:08 Okay, but you two have to decide how-- 11:10 if you don't decide how you decide 11:12 you set up a structure for the enemy to create chaos. 11:17 So as you said I'm thinking now. 11:20 I think I'm beginning to catch on to this thing. 11:23 There is a couple that we know 11:25 a precious couple from Pakistan. 11:27 And it is more of from the cultural sense. 11:31 monarchy. It's a monarchy. 11:32 It's more that the wife looks to the husband 11:34 to make all of the decisions and she has no problem with that. 11:38 But as you said in the western culture 11:41 many woman would have a problem with that. 11:42 Well, the culture is where Christianity has been 11:45 buried and grounded and grown. 11:47 In the Western culture woman have the equal worth as men. 11:50 And in areas of world where the gospel has not taken 11:53 grown women are not equal to men. 11:56 And this couple happens to be very precious Christians. 11:59 I'm saying in culture, that's the way they do it. 12:01 They--that's what they do-- So as the culture 12:03 they decided that monarchy is the way marriage works. 12:05 So in your Ten Minutes Marriage Principle, 12:10 how did people sit down and make this agreement. 12:12 Let's decide how we're going to agree 12:16 on what type of government. 12:18 What are the advantages? 12:19 Sometimes I'm sitting, I'm in a conference 12:21 and I'm saying okay, here's the forms of government, 12:22 I draw them all out. 12:24 Okay, which one do you guys want to be? 12:26 All right, we're going to take about 15 minute break 12:27 and by the time you come back I want you to figure this out. 12:30 Because if you can't decide how you decide 12:32 then basically you're going to set up continual chaos, 12:34 arguments, frustration and manipulation. 12:36 It's like this, suppose a guy is married, right. 12:39 And he gets one of these change the world ideas, 12:41 you know how guys are. 12:42 They got to change the world with this great idea 12:44 they just thought of, okay. 12:45 So he comes home to his precious wife 12:48 and he wants to get this idea of kind of pastor 12:50 whatever government they have. 12:51 So he starts off as a monarch. 12:54 We're going to do this, this is the greatest things, 12:55 this is like where we're going to take our savings 12:57 and put it into this, this is going to be great honey. 13:00 Well, then you know she votes up and says 13:01 wait a minute, that's my savings too, right? 13:04 So now he can't pull the monarch card, right? 13:06 So then they both move into democracy, 13:08 okay while-- let me tell you what, 13:10 let me pitch you until I can wear you down to vote, 13:12 yes and then we're in. 13:14 Well, she's not being worn down. 13:16 Well, then he gets a word from God. 13:19 He pulls the theocracy card 13:21 but he pulls it in a monarchy style. 13:23 So what it tells me 13:24 is they don't have a clear sense of government. 13:27 So he can use any form of government 13:29 to try and manipulate his spouse. 13:30 Like I had one guy, a friend of mine, 13:31 he says listen Doug, I read your book, 13:32 he says it's great. 13:33 He says you know I'm really; I'm really democratic 13:35 except when I buy cars, 13:36 when I buy cars I just go buy them. 13:38 I go, well, you're really a monarch, 13:40 you just happen to be benevolent monarch. 13:43 And all, all marriages should of course, 13:48 I mean, if it's a Christian marriage 13:49 we should be seeking the Lord's will even if it's a corporation. 13:53 But when we talk about corporations, 13:55 I like it 'cause when you first said that 13:56 I'm thinking, okay, one's Vice President of finance, 13:59 one's that means they would take-- 14:01 Yeah, but finance can be one person 14:03 could be doing investments and the other person 14:04 will be writing, doing balancing check book. 14:06 So they might have different areas where they manage money. 14:09 We're gonna get into money management. 14:11 I hope you're gonna come back with someone I talk about that. 14:13 They would be VP of whatever area that is. 14:14 You see what I'm saying. Right. 14:15 One person might be VP of cars; 14:17 one person might be VP of, you know, 14:19 taking care of the stuff in the house in certain areas. 14:22 So your VP's of different things. Okay. 14:24 What type of marriage do you have? 14:25 What kind of government do you have? 14:27 Yeah, a lot of people I don't never tell 14:29 because what the reason of that is it because 14:31 I don't want to set a standard, 14:32 my government isn't gonna work for every marriage. 14:34 All right. It isn't. Okay, because-- 14:37 So personalities and circumstances all of these, 14:41 what you're saying is, I'm getting the gist of this now. 14:44 What you're asking us to do today is just to sit down 14:47 and decide say you've got to have a certain government style, 14:50 it doesn't matter which one of this-- 14:51 But you have to have a style? 14:52 But you have to have a style otherwise it's being chaotic. 14:55 So if you're very mature Christians 14:57 and you both hear from the Lord 14:59 you have that intimate relationship with the Lord. 15:01 Then you may be able to really have a theocracy. 15:06 A corporation would be where 15:09 one may be gifted in this area and the other is gifted in that. 15:12 And you're saying okay, let's split this up. 15:14 Right. Honey, you get to you know-- 15:16 You can be the Vice President of this. 15:18 I don't need the decision there. 15:20 For example, in our home, 15:21 when it comes to decorating the home that more falls to me, 15:26 yet I always take into consideration 15:29 what he would like and be comfortable. 15:31 So in that situation, you will consult JD. 15:34 Right. Okay. 15:35 But if you're VP you might consult 15:38 but you don't hav to obey. 15:40 If you're in a monarchy you come from a down position 15:42 and say JD, this is what I'm thinking. 15:44 I need you to rubberstamp this so I can serve. 15:46 Okay. 15:48 And so that would tell you what kind of government you're in 15:50 'cause he might say you know what, 15:51 I'd like to paint this, this kind of a peach color 15:53 and put some stone here. 15:55 He is like, no I can't really, I cannot see that, you know. 15:57 And you know it's gonna work. 15:59 So then right there you could tell what government you have. 16:02 Okay. You see what I'm saying. 16:04 And in my government Lisa has equality with me. 16:09 She is made in the image of God; she was equally paid for it. 16:12 The blood of Jesus equally covers her. 16:15 And even though she doesn't have 16:17 the same kind of training I do. 16:19 I have learnt if I honor her, 16:22 God will always get his well. Absolutely. 16:25 You know, and there are times when we're stuck. 16:27 And we sometimes, we'll bring a third person, 16:28 sometimes we'll just be stuck for a little while. 16:30 But we both, God will speak 16:32 and He'll get what He wants us to get. 16:34 And I'm--one thing I'm absolutely committed of 16:37 is God is bigger than my spouse. 16:41 Amen. He's bigger than you. Bigger than me, okay. 16:44 And if He wants something done, 16:46 He will work through us to get it done. 16:49 You see what I'm saying. I do. 16:50 And why you feel other than-- 16:54 I don't really know where to go with this thought that 16:57 it's important to see 17:00 or is it important that couples can, 17:03 do they evolve from maybe when they're first married 17:06 in this form of government and they have children. 17:09 Sometimes it's the same government for 50 years. 17:12 But my point and in talking about this is please decide, 17:15 you know, you're sitting at home you're thinking, gosh, 17:18 we don't have a government. 17:19 Okay, what I'm asking you to do is after this show 17:22 or even tape this and sit down with your spouse and say listen, 17:24 how do we really make decisions? 17:26 Who's really bossier? How does this really work? 17:29 So that they can have order. 17:32 What if you can't agree on what type of government they want? 17:35 Then go to your pastor or go to a spiritual matured couple 17:38 or go to someone you trust, go to a counselor. 17:41 But get it resolved because if you don't resolve it 17:43 you will argue a lot more. 17:45 See, the book's called Ten Minute Marriage Principle 17:47 because once you, there's exercises and stuff like that. 17:50 But if you can establish your government, 17:51 you will argue at least 90% less. 17:54 That's good. 17:55 You see what I'm saying. 17:56 So that gives you a lot more years of your life 17:59 to enjoy each other rather than bickering 18:02 because you haven't decided how to decide. 18:05 You see what I'm saying, so once you decide how you decide 18:06 then things are lot smoother. 18:09 Doug, what are some of the reasons, the core reasons 18:12 why people would resist establishing a government. 18:15 Well, this is not always a fun conversation they have, 18:17 Shelley, honestly. 18:19 I do a marriage conference; sometimes this is a kind of 18:20 a tough peace for some people 18:22 especially the monarch control freaks. 18:25 You aren't talking to me. 18:26 Yes, definitely I'm talking to my wife. 18:29 I've been controlling her for 40 years, you know. 18:32 So there are few-- you know the guy. 18:35 Okay, you met him too, right, yeah. 18:39 Had a good friend that was married to one? 18:40 Oh, bless their hearts, okay. 18:43 One of the reasons is control. 18:45 They don't want to share control, 18:46 they want to be in control, they want to be that person. 18:51 The other reason is really fear. 18:52 You know often times I find that's the core reason. 18:54 I'm afraid if I give you any control you're gonna hurt me 18:57 or you're gonna make imperfect choices. 18:59 You know, from newsflash. We all do. 19:01 We're all imperfect. We all make imperfect choices. 19:04 So you might as well share it, okay. 19:07 And thirdly often times there can be either you know, 19:10 past issues like abuse or really just poor modeling. 19:14 You know, mom and dad had this motto 19:16 and that's the way we're gonna do it. 19:18 You know, my dad ruled the house or my mom ruled the house 19:20 and that's the way we're gonna do marriage. 19:22 I'm gonna rule the house. Well, that's poor modeling. 19:25 And so sometimes you go intense, think okay, 19:27 well, that's the model I saw and I think that's the way 19:29 it's supposed to be, and you assume that's right. 19:31 Okay and it may not be 19:33 because you're in the kingdom of God 19:35 and kingdom is done differently than sometimes 19:37 the way our parents in their relationships. 19:40 I think God definitely as we started off God wants order. 19:45 So, if we can identify these reasons and overcome them. 19:50 How do we take that set to overcome the reasons 19:53 to agree and how do we formalize and say 19:56 this is really what we want to be doing 19:59 with both the creations. Sure, sure. 20:01 Step one, you might need to process some feelings about 20:03 you know, losing control and not, not--you know, 20:05 being able to manipulate each other any more. 20:06 And all of those fun fights you've had. 20:08 I mean what we gonna do to entertain the kids now. 20:10 Okay. 20:11 So you may have some loses along the way. 20:15 But once you get through those loses 20:16 sitting down with a piece of paper 20:18 and just walking through, 20:19 kind of walk through each one of these. 20:20 What do we really want to do? 20:22 And take a night or two and pray about it, 20:24 think about it if you need to. 20:25 Mostly we're gonna make this decision in 10 minutes. 20:26 They just have yet to have made it 'cause they didn't-- 20:28 they never saw that they have the government. 20:31 It's a thing that's been operating in their life 20:32 but they never had a language for, 20:34 never actually sat down. 20:35 So wait a minute we're government, 20:36 governing here and we're a mess. 20:38 Let's get an agreement becuase 20:39 how could two walk together must be what? 20:41 Agree. Right. 20:43 You see what I'm saying. Right. 20:44 So what we're trying to do is get them into agreement 20:47 so they can function better in their kingdom. 20:49 Where no one feels like a great powerful sinner, 20:51 and God have to send argue with your spouse all night. 20:54 And you don't need to have those 20:55 if you had got a better government, 20:56 you have less of those, okay. 20:58 So once you get passed the losses 21:00 and all that kind of stuff, 21:01 you sit down with piece of paper and write it out. 21:02 You know, on x date of x year, 21:06 this marriage before the living God 21:08 and the state of whatever they reign 21:10 or the country whatever they are in. 21:11 As you know, verify, solidify or agree 21:15 on this form of government from this day forward. 21:18 And you write on a piece of paper 21:19 and you both sign it. 21:21 You know this sounds so foreign to the way, I mean, 21:23 I know there's gonna be someone out there 21:25 that's going, you got to be kidding; 21:26 you want me to sit down and write out this agreement 21:28 with my husband or my wife. 21:29 The reason why because there's sometimes revolts. 21:32 All right. Okay. 21:33 Like you know-- even in our own country 21:35 where democracy but there is some people 21:37 who really wish we were different. 21:39 If they had their way, they would shred 21:41 some of our documents that we hold 21:42 very important to our democracy. 21:44 Because it keeps them from being in control. 21:46 So let's then go back and say that 21:49 we're gonna assume that this couple has decided. 21:51 Let's be a corporation 21:52 because we feel that's gonna be more fairing. 21:54 I reckon as you're more gifted in this area 21:56 and I'm more gifted. 21:57 So they would sit down and say, okay, 21:59 these are gonna be your areas 22:00 that the ultimate responsibility the accountability, 22:03 you're the Vice President 22:05 and you get the ultimate decision there. 22:07 Doesn't mean that you're not gonna consult me and-- 22:10 It doesn't mean you have to. 22:11 But it doesn't mean you have to, okay. 22:14 So then-- And that takes a lot of trust. 22:18 Like if I really trust my wife which I do 22:20 and she does have you know, say about that thing. 22:23 And I say, okay, I trust her. 22:26 I married a competent adult, she's not a child. 22:31 Does anyone ever give like, well, I guess 22:35 I start to ask about finances because I know that 22:37 financial situations really create probably 22:40 one of the greatest problems within marriage. 22:43 That's usually a government decision. All right. 22:46 Because see they haven't learn the government, 22:47 so let's say they're corporation for a moment. 22:49 And in their corporation, corporate papers they make up, 22:52 is like okay, either person can spend more than 22:54 30, 50, 100, 1,000, 5,000, 10,000, 22:57 without consulting the other person. 22:59 So suppose I'm the guardian guy, right? 23:01 And I want to put in new whatever 23:03 and it's gonna cost me $1,500. 23:05 But my government says I can only spend $150 23:07 without consulting the other person in being in an agreement. 23:09 That's not consulting; it has to be an agreement. 23:11 So my desire is to spend $1,500 but I can't 23:13 because my corporation withholds me from doing that. 23:17 And then--but you're not-- But see-- 23:19 The ultimate control to one person-- 23:21 No, no, you have to agree. 23:22 Now it happens, see now, now suppose I didn't have 23:24 government and I just literally want to go spend the $1,500. 23:30 I go out there and I take my little credit card 23:31 and I charge it up. 23:32 And I got to hang out in a beautiful garden. 23:34 And my spouse is livid because I put this into more debt. 23:39 So now I created a situation where we have no government. 23:42 I do whatever I want to do. 23:43 It causes pain in my relationship and marriage. 23:45 And so what happens in marriage, 23:47 you talk about finance being a problem in marriage, 23:48 it's not the finances, it's the lack of government 23:50 that controls those finances. 23:53 You know, as you're talking about so many things 23:55 since you've been here. 23:57 I realize that a lot of what we do in our marriage 24:01 is unwritten rules but from the very beginning 24:04 I mean it's like I've never spent, 24:06 I may spend up to a 100 bucks 24:08 but I've never spent more than a $100 24:09 without going and consulting it with JD. 24:13 So there are just some things that healthy people do naturally 24:18 but there's a lot of people who just have not 24:21 created boundaries in their marriage for-- 24:24 Especially for you know, 24:26 for people that are in my generation, 24:27 you know, I'm 46-years-old. 24:28 And you know, growing up--60's, 24:30 I'm just a baby right. 24:31 And so what happened is our parents were the 60 people. 24:35 Do what you want to do, if it feels good do them. 24:37 Love the one you're with and all that emotional nonsense. 24:40 Okay, that moved America from 24:41 principle based to emotionally based, 24:43 we do feel now we're the one's who are right. 24:45 That's good. You see what I'm saying. 24:47 And so now we have marriages based on 24:49 doing what they feel like doing, 24:50 instead of what's right there. 24:51 No government there, 24:53 no control so they create a debt, 24:54 they create a financial stress in a relationship 24:56 that causes burden because they don't have 24:57 a government that says no to them. 24:58 That's good. You see what I'm saying. 25:00 So the formalizing is sitting around and putting it on paper. 25:04 You put it on paper and if you're corporation 25:05 or democracy or monarch whatever it is, 25:07 you put on paper and make that detail clear enough, 25:10 you both sign it and you know what it is. 25:12 So when someone does something you can say 25:14 wait a minute that is not our charter. 25:16 Our charter is this, go take that back. 25:21 And then the other person has agree by signing this, 25:24 the other person has said, okay, 25:26 I can't be upset with you because 25:28 I have formally agreed with you not to do. 25:31 You can see the peace and order, 25:33 you write and peace and order. 25:35 God is about order and peace. 25:37 If your marriage isn't reflecting order, 25:39 it's not reflecting his very nature. 25:42 His nature is order, that's why God has a kingdom, 25:44 He doesn't have a democracy, okay. 25:46 He has a kingdom that has order and peace. 25:50 Amen. You see what I'm saying. 25:51 So let's go through those four again. 25:53 There's the monarchy. 25:54 That's the monarchy, theocracy, 25:55 democracy and corporation. Okay. 25:58 And we want to do this not-- 25:59 we want to do this so that we can live happily ever after. 26:02 And you're saying that the monarchy may not be wrong, 26:05 there may be someone even in the western culture 26:07 who is just I don't want to make decisions, I trust you. 26:10 There is a benefit, there are some people who like, 26:11 you know what, I don't want to be responsible 26:13 for any failures so I'll let you make all the mistakes. 26:17 Okay, great, if you're that kind of personality 26:19 then you just marry someone who likes 26:20 to make decisions and you're good. 26:21 But the most important thing is that 26:23 both spouses agree to this type. 26:26 How can two walk together unless they agree. 26:28 Unless they agree. 26:29 So can you imagine if the enemy has the couples 26:31 not ever deciding on how they agree? 26:35 There is never going to be an agreement. 26:36 Or peace and order. 26:37 No peace and order, if they're not agreeing. 26:39 So then once that happens he has got inroads 26:41 to a lot more arguments and conversations, 26:43 disrespect, disharmony, there's a lot of things. 26:47 You know that you are nothing if not thought provoking 26:51 and you know there are so many things that we take, 26:53 I didn't realize how much we just go into marriage 26:57 and really blessed if it has gone smoothly, 27:00 JD and I have a wonderful marriage. 27:02 We got it accidentally right. We got it. 27:06 I guess so because they-- what you're saying 27:08 is marriage is that come to you in disarray 27:10 and then it got to be fixed. 27:11 And so these are some wonderful principles 27:13 you will come back upright. Yes. 27:14 Thank you so much for being in again today. 27:16 Thank you, ma'am. 27:17 And I hope that you've enjoyed this 27:19 and that you're learning as much as I'm learning. 27:21 And these are some things that we do need to think about 27:24 in our marriage because you know, 27:26 what the devil does the family, 27:28 the marriage is the smallest unit of a church. 27:31 So you can count on that the devil is trying 27:34 to break up that small unit 27:36 because that's how he attacks the church. 27:38 So I want to encourage you to put this into practice 27:42 and decide how-- what kind of government 27:44 you're going to agree on and put it down in writing. 27:48 And may the Lord multiply His mercy, 27:51 love and grace to you always. 27:53 Thank you. Thank you. |
Revised 2014-12-17