Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn.
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And welcome again to
"Issues and Answers."
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We're so glad that
you can join us today
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and we're
talking about something
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I think is very interesting.
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Something you may
not have thought off.
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And that is that every marriage
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has some type of
government set up.
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And you know, God
is a God of systems,
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he's a God of order.
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In fact in 1 Corinthians
14:33, the Bible says,
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Paul wrote and he says, For
He is not a God of confusion
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and disorder but
of peace and order."
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So your
government in the marriage,
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how the husband and the
wife relate to one another
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maybe something that it
just happened by osmosis
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or it maybe by design.
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But here today to talk to us
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about the
healthiest type of marriage,
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returning again
is Dr. Douglas Weiss.
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Feels good to be here.
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I'm so glad that you're back.
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Thank you very much.
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Now you are the author
of 20 books. Yes, ma'am.
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And a lot of your books
have to do with marriage
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and what are some
of the other things
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that you're kind of an expo--
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What we do, you
know, men's issues
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we do a lot with recovery
because we have a lot of
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you know, recovery background,
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we specialize in
addictions and so.
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We do a lot of
writing in that area as well.
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And we is Heart to Heart?
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Heart to Heart Counseling Center
in Colorado Springs, yes, ma'am.
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And so you are a
licensed psychologist.
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Licensed
psychologist. Yes ma'am.
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You also have a degree
and couple of bible degrees.
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I have four degrees.
You got more degrees.
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Just for fun. Right. All right.
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And you have written a book
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that we're going
to talk about today is
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"The Ten Minute
Marriage Principle."
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And these are
just quick daily steps
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for the
refreshing your relationship.
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But in specific we want to talk
about the types of government,
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there are several
different types of governments.
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Yes. Yes, there are.
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Well, first talk about how
many marriages are structured.
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Okay, especially
in the western culture
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and now in some other cultures,
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you know, they pretty
much have just, you know,
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the man is less than
God but just sort of.
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Okay, but in western
cultures, so we have democracy,
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women have value and they
have significance in quality
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so they think
when they're married
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they are actually
married into a democracy.
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Where they can be
heard and listen to,
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they get to vote and all
that kind of stuff, right.
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But the men
still in our cultures
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lot of men who
think they are monarchs.
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So I'm saying
even Christ ma'am Yeah.
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I'm going to rule over you.
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And they love to use
that equations quite a bit,
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wives be
submissive to your husbands.
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Yeah, they don't like those
mutual in some of the verses.
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And they don't like that
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there's no male and
female in Christ Jesus verses.
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But they do like
to adverse. Yes. Yeah.
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And but Jesus is a servant head.
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If men become servant heads,
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then that picture
is really helpful.
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If they become mold over
heads then they've got a problem
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with the Lord of
with their life anyways,
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so we're not getting into that.
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People like to
discuss that theology.
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And I like theology but
in practice what happens is
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often times one person
thinks he's the king or queen
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and the other person has a
different idea of government.
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Now you can see those
two systems don't work.
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Right. Okay.
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And so what happens is often
times the couple will devolve
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into a chaotic government
or someone's may be the monarch
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and the other person wants
to be the monarch for the day.
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And then it kind of
keep doing this thing,
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you know what I'm saying.
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And nothing is really getting
done in that kind of government
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except constantly
overthrowing the other person.
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And that's-- And that does
not reflected what you describe.
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And that is. It is not.
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Yeah, that is
disorder, there is no peace.
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There is a lot of anger
going on and a lot of bickering
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and one-upmanship
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and a struggle for
power within marriage.
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Yeah, what you described
are classic symptoms of someone
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who have, who has never
sat down with their spouse
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and said, okay, what
kind of government are we.
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When I do a
conference I'll say, okay,
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you all sometimes you might
text this to all, you know.
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I say, how many of you
all, okay, have a government?
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They all do,
they just don't know.
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Oh, they all have it but
they don't know what it is.
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What is a government?
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They don't have a clue,
and they will give me like
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we'd say in Texas
like a coward and you gaze.
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Yeah. What does that mean?
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A government, and I thought
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maybe we're just
manipulate him or her.
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And so God isn't
into manipulation.
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He never uses it,
never wants us to use it,
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it's not reflective of
who he is and his nature.
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Right. Okay.
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His nature is peace and order.
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So just get me the
outline, let's before we go into
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the specifics of
each type of government.
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What types of
governments are there?
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There's the monarch.
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Yeah, the monarch government
basically is there is one person
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who lords over the other person.
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You've got a king or queen,
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depending on the
gender of that monarch.
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And the other
person is the servant
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who carries out the
orders of the king or queen.
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Okay, and that
can be king or queen.
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Sometimes the
queen withholds things
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so that the other
person is what they want.
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Right. So that's one type.
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You know that's
one type of government.
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The second type is-- The
second type is theocracy.
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Basically what people
through the governments of time,
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before time
there was-- there was,
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is and always will be a
Government with trinity.
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We have no word for that really.
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Three equal beings who
operate interdependently
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and confer with one another with
absolute respect for each other.
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In the world we
don't have that system
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so we have these.
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At first it was Tower
of Babel which was monarchy
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and after monarchy, you
know, because the people went--
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children and people went to
Egypt they were under monarch
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because they
thought he was God, I mean,
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so that's a monarch for sure.
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Okay then God take
them out of the monarchy
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and moves him into a theocracy.
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Where there is no King.
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There are 12 guys in the room
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who fragmentally
see and hear God.
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And I tried to put
this together to get
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what God's really
saying between the 12 of them.
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And then they kind of
go with what God is saying,
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threw them all as a
group, kind of like aiming okay,
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that's our best example
where there is no leader.
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So in a marriage
that has a theocracy
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as the government style
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that would be like
the idea of the triangle
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where you're seeking God,
the closer you both get to God,
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closer you're
getting to each other.
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Another thing is
that, that's part of it,
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but the other thing is that.
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Now honestly
most Christian couples
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are not mature
enough to have theocracy.
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That's why you are seeking
the will of Lord in your both--
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Because you have to understand
that God speaks to your spouse
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differently than you
do for different giftings.
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And God is able to
speak through your spouse,
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through those
different giftings. Right.
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And that you
don't own all the truth.
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Amen.
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So you have to seek together
the fragments that she has,
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the fragments that he has
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and put them together on a table
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and ask God to just turn
what's been going on here.
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You know, both have lot
of humility not to be God.
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Amen. Not to think it's you.
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So sometimes I hook up with
worse to get too much equations
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but often times
that's frustrating
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because one
person wants to be God
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that throws you
back into monarchy.
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You see what saying.
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One with religious overtones
but still it's monarchy.
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Oh, I'm here from
God you also follow me.
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Okay, great.
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And I'm not sure
that's the best model.
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So anyway, so
theocracy is a government
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and it did work for
short period of time
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but then they want to be
back like the other cultures
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and so that's a monarchy.
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Remember they went back
and they wanted the king--
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Okay, so they got
Saul, David etcetera, okay.
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Then as you move to
time in 1776, 1776, yeah,
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there was a new
government establish
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that's called the democracy.
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People have equal
value, people are to be heard.
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And they're to
vote on and stuff.
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So now that's system
you go on everything.
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Okay, that can
get kind of wearisome,
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you know, we live in democracy.
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It can be very
combustive at times, okay.
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Then there's a
government that have flawed
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about the industrial revolution,
okay which is a corporation.
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Corporations
operate differently.
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They set a VP's of
A, B, C, D, E, okay.
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And then
there's the board, okay,
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and there is a
president and in our case,
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used to be
President but you get the VP
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who does these
things in the household,
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they manage these things, the VP
over here who does these things.
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And they don't
have to obey each other,
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they can consult one another
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but they aren't
to obey each other.
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So one maybe
that in the marriage
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one maybe the
VP of-- The garden.
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You see the VP of the garden.
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And so I'm the VP of the garden
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and I would ask my wife
you know, I'm the VP though,
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I make final decision,
I'm the VP of the garden.
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I say, you know, I'm thinking
about potatoes or tomatoes.
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See as well potatoes
will probably be good
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and I'm thinking
about, I decide tomatoes.
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See I'm not, in
disobedience of her
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because she's not
the VP of that area,
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she's only consultant.
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And I decide not to take
that consultant's advice.
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All right. You
see what I'm saying.
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This is fun, isn't it?
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And she may say I'm VP
of decorating the house.
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That's it, whatever,
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but you agree on it first
in writing, well, who is what?
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All right. Okay, and
then there's the board issues.
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Okay, like where we
live? What church we go to?
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Where the kids go to school?
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You know expenses over x amount.
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Those are board issues.
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So now the VP has to come
to the board meeting together
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as equals and say, okay,
we need to hash this out.
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Now if they can't hash it out,
they can bring a third person
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to the board and work that out.
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Like suppose it's
the financial issue,
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they can make their accountant,
the third person on the board.
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Okay. Did that make sense?
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Hm-hmm. It does.
Whatever the accountant says,
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it's kind of where
we're going to go. Okay.
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And so those are the different
forms of government, okay.
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And what do you see
typically with immature people
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you probably
looking at this monarchy?
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We've got people who are
vying for the power and control.
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But then as
people grow in spiritual,
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in their
relationship with the God,
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in relationship
with one another,
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is there type of a transition
we've got two immature people
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coming together and
they are vying for this.
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You know, really 'cause
sometimes we get this stuff
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from our family of origin.
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And we think
whatever our dad and mom did
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was the way it should be, okay.
00:09:50.19\00:09:51.83
And honestly God uses every form
of government we just discussed.
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So you're not saying that
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one is more
healthy than the one other?
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Well, if you're
married to an American woman
00:10:00.28\00:10:01.82
you'll have a hard
time sowing monarchy.
00:10:01.85\00:10:04.05
There are cultures where God,
00:10:04.08\00:10:06.09
ministerial gods and
they can get away with that.
00:10:06.12\00:10:07.75
But in western culture
it's kind of a tough so. Okay.
00:10:07.78\00:10:10.73
But God is
monarchy, okay, he use kings
00:10:10.76\00:10:14.13
and he used kings
throughout history,
00:10:14.16\00:10:15.57
secular and the
Israel kings, okay.
00:10:15.60\00:10:18.99
God uses theocracy
00:10:19.02\00:10:20.64
when He gets the opportunity
to be in that position.
00:10:20.67\00:10:23.63
God uses democracy
00:10:23.66\00:10:25.41
and has used democracy
throughout the world since 1776.
00:10:25.44\00:10:29.36
Okay, he uses corporations
to a place where the coke is,
00:10:29.39\00:10:32.89
where Jesus isn't.
00:10:32.92\00:10:34.15
Well, what is?
Coke, you know the soda.
00:10:34.18\00:10:37.02
Okay.
00:10:37.05\00:10:38.08
It's in places where the
gospel hasn't been preached yet.
00:10:38.11\00:10:40.51
I see what you're saying.
00:10:40.54\00:10:41.57
Same say God he
can use a corporation
00:10:41.60\00:10:43.33
to make a hedge
way into a culture.
00:10:43.36\00:10:47.26
You see what I'm
saying. I think I do.
00:10:47.29\00:10:49.24
God do, what I'm saying,
is God uses all those element.
00:10:49.27\00:10:52.40
So you're gonna--
some Christians want to do
00:10:52.43\00:10:54.44
right and wrong on this.
00:10:54.47\00:10:56.00
One is bad, one is good.
00:10:56.03\00:10:57.64
What you're saying is just
00:10:57.67\00:10:58.70
whatever really
works as long as-- Yeah.
00:10:58.73\00:11:00.42
So you have to be in agreement
00:11:00.45\00:11:01.72
on which one
you're going to set up.
00:11:01.75\00:11:02.78
All right. Okay.
00:11:02.81\00:11:03.84
Now I would suggest you consult
the Lord in that process.
00:11:03.87\00:11:08.04
Okay, but you two
have to decide how--
00:11:08.07\00:11:10.44
if you don't
decide how you decide
00:11:10.47\00:11:12.72
you set up a structure
for the enemy to create chaos.
00:11:12.75\00:11:17.37
So as you said I'm thinking now.
00:11:17.40\00:11:20.58
I think I'm beginning
to catch on to this thing.
00:11:20.61\00:11:23.36
There is a couple that we know
00:11:23.39\00:11:25.36
a precious couple from Pakistan.
00:11:25.39\00:11:27.51
And it is more of
from the cultural sense.
00:11:27.54\00:11:31.46
monarchy. It's a monarchy.
00:11:31.49\00:11:32.60
It's more that the
wife looks to the husband
00:11:32.63\00:11:34.81
to make all of the decisions and
she has no problem with that.
00:11:34.84\00:11:38.60
But as you said in
the western culture
00:11:38.63\00:11:41.02
many woman would
have a problem with that.
00:11:41.05\00:11:42.87
Well, the culture is
where Christianity has been
00:11:42.90\00:11:45.16
buried and grounded and grown.
00:11:45.19\00:11:47.37
In the Western culture woman
have the equal worth as men.
00:11:47.40\00:11:50.77
And in areas of world
where the gospel has not taken
00:11:50.80\00:11:53.68
grown women are
not equal to men.
00:11:53.71\00:11:56.49
And this couple happens to
be very precious Christians.
00:11:56.52\00:11:59.67
I'm saying in culture,
that's the way they do it.
00:11:59.70\00:12:01.51
They--that's what
they do-- So as the culture
00:12:01.54\00:12:03.05
they decided that monarchy
is the way marriage works.
00:12:03.08\00:12:05.26
So in your Ten
Minutes Marriage Principle,
00:12:05.29\00:12:09.97
how did people sit down
and make this agreement.
00:12:10.00\00:12:12.79
Let's decide how
we're going to agree
00:12:12.82\00:12:16.43
on what type of government.
00:12:16.46\00:12:18.22
What are the advantages?
00:12:18.25\00:12:19.70
Sometimes I'm
sitting, I'm in a conference
00:12:19.73\00:12:21.16
and I'm saying okay,
here's the forms of government,
00:12:21.19\00:12:22.96
I draw them all out.
00:12:22.99\00:12:24.16
Okay, which one do
you guys want to be?
00:12:24.19\00:12:26.20
All right, we're going to
take about 15 minute break
00:12:26.23\00:12:27.82
and by the time you come back
I want you to figure this out.
00:12:27.85\00:12:30.57
Because if you can't
decide how you decide
00:12:30.60\00:12:32.07
then basically you're
going to set up continual chaos,
00:12:32.10\00:12:34.27
arguments,
frustration and manipulation.
00:12:34.30\00:12:36.58
It's like this, suppose
a guy is married, right.
00:12:36.61\00:12:39.87
And he gets one of
these change the world ideas,
00:12:39.90\00:12:41.88
you know how guys are.
00:12:41.91\00:12:42.94
They got to change the
world with this great idea
00:12:42.97\00:12:44.60
they just thought of, okay.
00:12:44.63\00:12:45.91
So he comes home
to his precious wife
00:12:45.94\00:12:48.00
and he wants to get
this idea of kind of pastor
00:12:48.03\00:12:50.30
whatever government they have.
00:12:50.33\00:12:51.61
So he starts off as a monarch.
00:12:51.64\00:12:54.11
We're going to do this,
this is the greatest things,
00:12:54.14\00:12:55.89
this is like where we're
going to take our savings
00:12:55.92\00:12:57.78
and put it into this, this
is going to be great honey.
00:12:57.81\00:13:00.24
Well, then you know
she votes up and says
00:13:00.27\00:13:01.93
wait a minute, that's
my savings too, right?
00:13:01.96\00:13:04.69
So now he can't pull
the monarch card, right?
00:13:04.72\00:13:06.89
So then they both
move into democracy,
00:13:06.92\00:13:08.57
okay while-- let
me tell you what,
00:13:08.60\00:13:10.22
let me pitch you until I
can wear you down to vote,
00:13:10.25\00:13:12.90
yes and then we're in.
00:13:12.93\00:13:14.18
Well, she's not being worn down.
00:13:14.21\00:13:16.80
Well, then he
gets a word from God.
00:13:16.83\00:13:19.93
He pulls the theocracy card
00:13:19.96\00:13:21.10
but he pulls it
in a monarchy style.
00:13:21.13\00:13:23.62
So what it tells me
00:13:23.65\00:13:24.71
is they don't have a
clear sense of government.
00:13:24.74\00:13:27.80
So he can use any
form of government
00:13:27.83\00:13:29.19
to try and
manipulate his spouse.
00:13:29.22\00:13:30.52
Like I had one
guy, a friend of mine,
00:13:30.55\00:13:31.62
he says listen
Doug, I read your book,
00:13:31.65\00:13:32.74
he says it's great.
00:13:32.77\00:13:33.80
He says you know I'm
really; I'm really democratic
00:13:33.83\00:13:35.75
except when I buy cars,
00:13:35.78\00:13:36.81
when I buy cars
I just go buy them.
00:13:36.84\00:13:38.91
I go, well,
you're really a monarch,
00:13:38.94\00:13:39.97
you just happen to
be benevolent monarch.
00:13:40.00\00:13:43.62
And all, all
marriages should of course,
00:13:43.65\00:13:48.46
I mean, if it's a
Christian marriage
00:13:48.49\00:13:49.65
we should be seeking the Lord's
will even if it's a corporation.
00:13:49.68\00:13:53.05
But when we talk
about corporations,
00:13:53.08\00:13:55.27
I like it 'cause
when you first said that
00:13:55.30\00:13:56.94
I'm thinking, okay, one's
Vice President of finance,
00:13:56.97\00:13:59.88
one's that means
they would take--
00:13:59.91\00:14:01.82
Yeah, but
finance can be one person
00:14:01.85\00:14:03.14
could be doing
investments and the other person
00:14:03.17\00:14:04.50
will be writing,
doing balancing check book.
00:14:04.53\00:14:06.72
So they might have different
areas where they manage money.
00:14:06.75\00:14:09.79
We're gonna get
into money management.
00:14:09.82\00:14:11.42
I hope you're gonna come back
with someone I talk about that.
00:14:11.45\00:14:13.47
They would be VP of
whatever area that is.
00:14:13.50\00:14:14.86
You see what I'm saying. Right.
00:14:14.89\00:14:15.92
One person might be VP of cars;
00:14:15.95\00:14:17.42
one person might
be VP of, you know,
00:14:17.45\00:14:19.48
taking care of the stuff
in the house in certain areas.
00:14:19.51\00:14:22.14
So your VP's of
different things. Okay.
00:14:22.17\00:14:24.04
What type of
marriage do you have?
00:14:24.07\00:14:25.61
What kind of
government do you have?
00:14:25.64\00:14:27.30
Yeah, a lot of
people I don't never tell
00:14:27.33\00:14:28.99
because what the
reason of that is it because
00:14:29.02\00:14:31.19
I don't want to set a standard,
00:14:31.22\00:14:32.60
my government isn't
gonna work for every marriage.
00:14:32.63\00:14:34.34
All right. It
isn't. Okay, because--
00:14:34.37\00:14:37.44
So personalities and
circumstances all of these,
00:14:37.47\00:14:41.45
what you're saying is, I'm
getting the gist of this now.
00:14:41.48\00:14:44.23
What you're asking us to
do today is just to sit down
00:14:44.26\00:14:47.02
and decide say you've got to
have a certain government style,
00:14:47.05\00:14:50.37
it doesn't matter
which one of this--
00:14:50.40\00:14:51.71
But you have to have a style?
00:14:51.74\00:14:52.77
But you have to have a style
otherwise it's being chaotic.
00:14:52.80\00:14:55.54
So if you're
very mature Christians
00:14:55.57\00:14:57.58
and you both hear from the Lord
00:14:57.61\00:14:59.14
you have that intimate
relationship with the Lord.
00:14:59.17\00:15:01.64
Then you may be able to
really have a theocracy.
00:15:01.67\00:15:06.31
A corporation would be where
00:15:06.34\00:15:09.02
one may be gifted in this area
and the other is gifted in that.
00:15:09.05\00:15:12.09
And you're saying
okay, let's split this up.
00:15:12.12\00:15:14.53
Right. Honey,
you get to you know--
00:15:14.56\00:15:16.46
You can be the
Vice President of this.
00:15:16.49\00:15:18.13
I don't need the decision there.
00:15:18.16\00:15:20.08
For example, in our home,
00:15:20.11\00:15:21.91
when it comes to decorating
the home that more falls to me,
00:15:21.94\00:15:26.85
yet I always take
into consideration
00:15:26.88\00:15:29.50
what he would like
and be comfortable.
00:15:29.53\00:15:31.53
So in that
situation, you will consult JD.
00:15:31.56\00:15:34.18
Right. Okay.
00:15:34.21\00:15:35.38
But if you're VP
you might consult
00:15:35.41\00:15:38.00
but you don't hav to obey.
00:15:38.03\00:15:40.12
If you're in a monarchy
you come from a down position
00:15:40.15\00:15:42.85
and say JD, this
is what I'm thinking.
00:15:42.88\00:15:44.75
I need you to
rubberstamp this so I can serve.
00:15:44.78\00:15:46.91
Okay.
00:15:46.94\00:15:48.06
And so that would tell you what
kind of government you're in
00:15:48.09\00:15:50.34
'cause he might
say you know what,
00:15:50.37\00:15:51.40
I'd like to paint this,
this kind of a peach color
00:15:51.43\00:15:53.55
and put some stone here.
00:15:53.58\00:15:54.98
He is like, no I can't really,
I cannot see that, you know.
00:15:55.01\00:15:57.72
And you know it's gonna work.
00:15:57.75\00:15:59.72
So then right there you could
tell what government you have.
00:15:59.75\00:16:02.42
Okay. You see what I'm saying.
00:16:02.45\00:16:04.08
And in my government
Lisa has equality with me.
00:16:04.11\00:16:09.13
She is made in the image of God;
she was equally paid for it.
00:16:09.16\00:16:12.88
The blood of Jesus
equally covers her.
00:16:12.91\00:16:15.27
And even though she doesn't have
00:16:15.30\00:16:17.05
the same kind of training I do.
00:16:17.08\00:16:18.97
I have learnt if I honor her,
00:16:19.00\00:16:22.10
God will always get
his well. Absolutely.
00:16:22.13\00:16:25.33
You know, and there
are times when we're stuck.
00:16:25.36\00:16:27.18
And we sometimes,
we'll bring a third person,
00:16:27.21\00:16:28.58
sometimes we'll just be
stuck for a little while.
00:16:28.61\00:16:30.44
But we both, God will speak
00:16:30.47\00:16:32.38
and He'll get what
He wants us to get.
00:16:32.41\00:16:34.39
And I'm--one thing I'm
absolutely committed of
00:16:34.42\00:16:37.55
is God is bigger than my spouse.
00:16:37.58\00:16:40.99
Amen. He's bigger than
you. Bigger than me, okay.
00:16:41.02\00:16:44.76
And if He wants something done,
00:16:44.79\00:16:46.56
He will work
through us to get it done.
00:16:46.59\00:16:49.37
You see what I'm saying. I do.
00:16:49.40\00:16:50.92
And why you feel other than--
00:16:50.95\00:16:54.60
I don't really know where
to go with this thought that
00:16:54.63\00:16:57.14
it's important to see
00:16:57.17\00:17:00.20
or is it
important that couples can,
00:17:00.23\00:17:03.35
do they evolve from maybe
when they're first married
00:17:03.38\00:17:06.34
in this form of government
and they have children.
00:17:06.37\00:17:09.81
Sometimes it's the same
government for 50 years.
00:17:09.84\00:17:11.87
But my point and in talking
about this is please decide,
00:17:12.40\00:17:15.81
you know, you're sitting
at home you're thinking, gosh,
00:17:15.84\00:17:18.20
we don't have a government.
00:17:18.23\00:17:19.85
Okay, what I'm asking
you to do is after this show
00:17:19.88\00:17:22.14
or even tape this and sit down
with your spouse and say listen,
00:17:22.17\00:17:24.94
how do we really make decisions?
00:17:24.97\00:17:26.74
Who's really bossier?
How does this really work?
00:17:26.77\00:17:29.07
So that they can have order.
00:17:29.10\00:17:32.94
What if you can't agree on what
type of government they want?
00:17:32.97\00:17:35.22
Then go to your pastor or go
to a spiritual matured couple
00:17:35.25\00:17:38.24
or go to someone you
trust, go to a counselor.
00:17:38.27\00:17:41.43
But get it resolved
because if you don't resolve it
00:17:41.46\00:17:43.58
you will argue a lot more.
00:17:43.61\00:17:45.44
See, the book's called
Ten Minute Marriage Principle
00:17:45.47\00:17:47.33
because once you, there's
exercises and stuff like that.
00:17:47.36\00:17:50.51
But if you can
establish your government,
00:17:50.54\00:17:51.60
you will argue
at least 90% less.
00:17:51.63\00:17:54.24
That's good.
00:17:54.27\00:17:55.52
You see what I'm saying.
00:17:55.55\00:17:56.75
So that gives you a
lot more years of your life
00:17:56.78\00:17:59.19
to enjoy each other
rather than bickering
00:17:59.22\00:18:02.28
because you haven't
decided how to decide.
00:18:02.31\00:18:05.12
You see what I'm saying, so
once you decide how you decide
00:18:05.15\00:18:06.96
then things are lot smoother.
00:18:06.99\00:18:09.92
Doug, what are some of
the reasons, the core reasons
00:18:09.95\00:18:12.06
why people would resist
establishing a government.
00:18:12.09\00:18:15.25
Well, this is not always a
fun conversation they have,
00:18:15.28\00:18:17.70
Shelley, honestly.
00:18:17.73\00:18:19.34
I do a marriage conference;
sometimes this is a kind of
00:18:19.37\00:18:20.80
a tough peace for some people
00:18:20.83\00:18:22.37
especially the
monarch control freaks.
00:18:22.40\00:18:25.76
You aren't talking to me.
00:18:25.79\00:18:26.82
Yes, definitely
I'm talking to my wife.
00:18:26.85\00:18:29.45
I've been controlling
her for 40 years, you know.
00:18:29.48\00:18:32.51
So there are
few-- you know the guy.
00:18:32.54\00:18:35.68
Okay, you met
him too, right, yeah.
00:18:35.71\00:18:38.98
Had a good friend
that was married to one?
00:18:39.01\00:18:40.69
Oh, bless their hearts, okay.
00:18:40.72\00:18:43.33
One of the reasons is control.
00:18:43.36\00:18:45.13
They don't want
to share control,
00:18:45.16\00:18:46.78
they want to be in control,
they want to be that person.
00:18:46.81\00:18:51.19
The other reason is really fear.
00:18:51.22\00:18:52.61
You know often times I
find that's the core reason.
00:18:52.64\00:18:54.58
I'm afraid if I give you
any control you're gonna hurt me
00:18:54.61\00:18:57.46
or you're gonna
make imperfect choices.
00:18:57.49\00:18:59.46
You know, from
newsflash. We all do.
00:18:59.49\00:19:01.67
We're all imperfect. We
all make imperfect choices.
00:19:01.70\00:19:04.67
So you might as
well share it, okay.
00:19:04.70\00:19:07.42
And thirdly often times
there can be either you know,
00:19:07.45\00:19:10.75
past issues like abuse or
really just poor modeling.
00:19:10.78\00:19:14.55
You know, mom and
dad had this motto
00:19:14.58\00:19:16.38
and that's the
way we're gonna do it.
00:19:16.41\00:19:18.13
You know, my dad ruled the
house or my mom ruled the house
00:19:18.16\00:19:20.70
and that's the way
we're gonna do marriage.
00:19:20.73\00:19:22.22
I'm gonna rule the house.
Well, that's poor modeling.
00:19:22.25\00:19:25.93
And so sometimes you
go intense, think okay,
00:19:25.96\00:19:27.62
well, that's the model I
saw and I think that's the way
00:19:27.65\00:19:29.38
it's supposed to be,
and you assume that's right.
00:19:29.41\00:19:31.78
Okay and it may not be
00:19:31.81\00:19:33.48
because you're in
the kingdom of God
00:19:33.51\00:19:35.21
and kingdom is done
differently than sometimes
00:19:35.24\00:19:37.92
the way our parents
in their relationships.
00:19:37.95\00:19:40.60
I think God definitely as
we started off God wants order.
00:19:40.63\00:19:45.11
So, if we can identify
these reasons and overcome them.
00:19:45.14\00:19:50.70
How do we take that
set to overcome the reasons
00:19:50.73\00:19:53.63
to agree and how do
we formalize and say
00:19:53.66\00:19:56.92
this is really
what we want to be doing
00:19:56.95\00:19:59.52
with both the
creations. Sure, sure.
00:19:59.55\00:20:01.21
Step one, you might need
to process some feelings about
00:20:01.24\00:20:03.06
you know, losing
control and not, not--you know,
00:20:03.09\00:20:05.29
being able to
manipulate each other any more.
00:20:05.32\00:20:06.88
And all of those
fun fights you've had.
00:20:06.91\00:20:08.47
I mean what we gonna do
to entertain the kids now.
00:20:08.50\00:20:10.17
Okay.
00:20:10.20\00:20:11.65
So you may have
some loses along the way.
00:20:11.68\00:20:15.30
But once you get
through those loses
00:20:15.33\00:20:16.83
sitting down
with a piece of paper
00:20:16.86\00:20:18.24
and just walking through,
00:20:18.27\00:20:19.30
kind of walk
through each one of these.
00:20:19.33\00:20:20.81
What do we really want to do?
00:20:20.84\00:20:22.74
And take a night or
two and pray about it,
00:20:22.77\00:20:24.09
think about it if you need to.
00:20:24.12\00:20:25.24
Mostly we're gonna make
this decision in 10 minutes.
00:20:25.27\00:20:26.74
They just have yet to have
made it 'cause they didn't--
00:20:26.77\00:20:28.93
they never saw that
they have the government.
00:20:28.96\00:20:31.37
It's a thing that's
been operating in their life
00:20:31.40\00:20:32.94
but they never
had a language for,
00:20:32.97\00:20:34.04
never actually sat down.
00:20:34.07\00:20:35.10
So wait a minute
we're government,
00:20:35.13\00:20:36.23
governing here and we're a mess.
00:20:36.26\00:20:38.65
Let's get an agreement becuase
00:20:38.68\00:20:39.73
how could two walk
together must be what?
00:20:39.76\00:20:41.46
Agree. Right.
00:20:41.49\00:20:43.64
You see what I'm saying. Right.
00:20:43.67\00:20:44.70
So what we're trying to
do is get them into agreement
00:20:44.73\00:20:47.25
so they can function
better in their kingdom.
00:20:47.28\00:20:49.44
Where no one feels like
a great powerful sinner,
00:20:49.47\00:20:51.46
and God have to send argue
with your spouse all night.
00:20:51.49\00:20:54.11
And you don't need to have those
00:20:54.14\00:20:55.71
if you had got a
better government,
00:20:55.74\00:20:56.77
you have less of those, okay.
00:20:56.80\00:20:58.57
So once you get
passed the losses
00:20:58.60\00:21:00.36
and all that kind of stuff,
00:21:00.39\00:21:01.42
you sit down with piece
of paper and write it out.
00:21:01.45\00:21:02.94
You know, on x date of x year,
00:21:02.97\00:21:06.36
this marriage
before the living God
00:21:06.39\00:21:08.49
and the state of
whatever they reign
00:21:08.52\00:21:10.07
or the country
whatever they are in.
00:21:10.10\00:21:11.80
As you know,
verify, solidify or agree
00:21:11.83\00:21:15.50
on this form of government
from this day forward.
00:21:15.53\00:21:18.03
And you write
on a piece of paper
00:21:18.06\00:21:19.27
and you both sign it.
00:21:19.30\00:21:21.00
You know this sounds so
foreign to the way, I mean,
00:21:21.03\00:21:23.65
I know there's
gonna be someone out there
00:21:23.68\00:21:25.10
that's going, you
got to be kidding;
00:21:25.13\00:21:26.53
you want me to sit down
and write out this agreement
00:21:26.56\00:21:28.63
with my husband or my wife.
00:21:28.66\00:21:29.82
The reason why because
there's sometimes revolts.
00:21:29.85\00:21:32.38
All right. Okay.
00:21:32.41\00:21:33.80
Like you know--
even in our own country
00:21:33.83\00:21:35.21
where democracy but
there is some people
00:21:35.24\00:21:37.00
who really wish
we were different.
00:21:37.03\00:21:39.21
If they had their
way, they would shred
00:21:39.24\00:21:41.09
some of our
documents that we hold
00:21:41.12\00:21:42.82
very important to our democracy.
00:21:42.85\00:21:44.45
Because it keeps them
from being in control.
00:21:44.48\00:21:46.52
So let's then go
back and say that
00:21:46.55\00:21:49.14
we're gonna assume that
this couple has decided.
00:21:49.17\00:21:51.14
Let's be a corporation
00:21:51.17\00:21:52.43
because we feel
that's gonna be more fairing.
00:21:52.46\00:21:54.71
I reckon as you're
more gifted in this area
00:21:54.74\00:21:56.62
and I'm more gifted.
00:21:56.65\00:21:57.68
So they would sit
down and say, okay,
00:21:57.71\00:21:59.22
these are gonna be your areas
00:21:59.25\00:22:00.77
that the ultimate responsibility
the accountability,
00:22:00.80\00:22:03.67
you're the Vice President
00:22:03.70\00:22:05.06
and you get the
ultimate decision there.
00:22:05.09\00:22:07.86
Doesn't mean that you're
not gonna consult me and--
00:22:07.89\00:22:10.45
It doesn't mean you have to.
00:22:10.48\00:22:11.51
But it doesn't
mean you have to, okay.
00:22:11.54\00:22:14.06
So then-- And that
takes a lot of trust.
00:22:14.09\00:22:18.75
Like if I really
trust my wife which I do
00:22:18.78\00:22:20.77
and she does have you
know, say about that thing.
00:22:20.80\00:22:23.80
And I say, okay, I trust her.
00:22:23.83\00:22:26.67
I married a competent
adult, she's not a child.
00:22:26.70\00:22:31.86
Does anyone ever
give like, well, I guess
00:22:31.89\00:22:34.99
I start to ask about
finances because I know that
00:22:35.02\00:22:37.93
financial situations
really create probably
00:22:37.96\00:22:40.94
one of the greatest
problems within marriage.
00:22:40.97\00:22:43.68
That's usually a
government decision. All right.
00:22:43.71\00:22:46.13
Because see they
haven't learn the government,
00:22:46.16\00:22:47.52
so let's say they're
corporation for a moment.
00:22:47.55\00:22:49.66
And in their corporation,
corporate papers they make up,
00:22:49.69\00:22:52.20
is like okay, either
person can spend more than
00:22:52.23\00:22:54.60
30, 50, 100,
1,000, 5,000, 10,000,
00:22:54.63\00:22:57.88
without
consulting the other person.
00:22:57.91\00:22:59.87
So suppose I'm the
guardian guy, right?
00:22:59.90\00:23:01.57
And I want to
put in new whatever
00:23:01.60\00:23:03.45
and it's gonna cost me $1,500.
00:23:03.48\00:23:05.06
But my government
says I can only spend $150
00:23:05.09\00:23:07.71
without consulting the other
person in being in an agreement.
00:23:07.74\00:23:09.65
That's not consulting;
it has to be an agreement.
00:23:09.68\00:23:11.89
So my desire is to
spend $1,500 but I can't
00:23:11.92\00:23:13.96
because my corporation
withholds me from doing that.
00:23:13.99\00:23:17.89
And then--but
you're not-- But see--
00:23:17.92\00:23:19.76
The ultimate
control to one person--
00:23:19.79\00:23:21.59
No, no, you have to agree.
00:23:21.62\00:23:22.75
Now it happens, see now,
now suppose I didn't have
00:23:22.78\00:23:24.95
government and I just literally
want to go spend the $1,500.
00:23:24.98\00:23:30.08
I go out there and I
take my little credit card
00:23:30.11\00:23:31.57
and I charge it up.
00:23:31.60\00:23:32.79
And I got to hang out
in a beautiful garden.
00:23:32.82\00:23:34.30
And my spouse is livid because
I put this into more debt.
00:23:34.33\00:23:39.50
So now I created a situation
where we have no government.
00:23:39.53\00:23:42.02
I do whatever I want to do.
00:23:42.05\00:23:43.21
It causes pain in my
relationship and marriage.
00:23:43.24\00:23:45.47
And so what happens in marriage,
00:23:45.50\00:23:47.21
you talk about finance
being a problem in marriage,
00:23:47.24\00:23:48.73
it's not the finances,
it's the lack of government
00:23:48.76\00:23:50.94
that controls those finances.
00:23:50.97\00:23:53.48
You know, as you're
talking about so many things
00:23:53.51\00:23:55.54
since you've been here.
00:23:55.57\00:23:57.30
I realize that a lot of
what we do in our marriage
00:23:57.33\00:24:01.41
is unwritten rules but
from the very beginning
00:24:01.44\00:24:04.41
I mean it's like
I've never spent,
00:24:04.44\00:24:06.94
I may spend up to a 100 bucks
00:24:06.97\00:24:08.25
but I've never
spent more than a $100
00:24:08.28\00:24:09.96
without going and
consulting it with JD.
00:24:09.99\00:24:13.85
So there are just some things
that healthy people do naturally
00:24:13.88\00:24:18.56
but there's a lot of
people who just have not
00:24:18.59\00:24:21.95
created boundaries
in their marriage for--
00:24:21.98\00:24:24.41
Especially for you know,
00:24:24.44\00:24:26.23
for people that
are in my generation,
00:24:26.26\00:24:27.54
you know, I'm 46-years-old.
00:24:27.57\00:24:28.79
And you know, growing up--60's,
00:24:28.82\00:24:30.85
I'm just a baby right.
00:24:30.88\00:24:31.94
And so what happened is
our parents were the 60 people.
00:24:31.97\00:24:35.67
Do what you want to do,
if it feels good do them.
00:24:35.70\00:24:37.75
Love the one you're with
and all that emotional nonsense.
00:24:37.78\00:24:39.92
Okay, that moved America from
00:24:40.41\00:24:41.65
principle based
to emotionally based,
00:24:41.68\00:24:43.22
we do feel now we're
the one's who are right.
00:24:43.25\00:24:45.27
That's good. You
see what I'm saying.
00:24:45.30\00:24:47.29
And so now we
have marriages based on
00:24:47.32\00:24:49.54
doing what they feel like doing,
00:24:49.57\00:24:50.85
instead of what's right there.
00:24:50.88\00:24:51.91
No government there,
00:24:51.94\00:24:52.97
no control so
they create a debt,
00:24:53.00\00:24:54.03
they create a financial
stress in a relationship
00:24:54.06\00:24:56.04
that causes burden
because they don't have
00:24:56.07\00:24:57.86
a government
that says no to them.
00:24:57.89\00:24:58.92
That's good. You
see what I'm saying.
00:24:58.95\00:25:00.87
So the formalizing is sitting
around and putting it on paper.
00:25:00.90\00:25:04.26
You put it on paper
and if you're corporation
00:25:04.29\00:25:05.81
or democracy or
monarch whatever it is,
00:25:05.84\00:25:07.50
you put on paper and
make that detail clear enough,
00:25:07.53\00:25:10.19
you both sign it
and you know what it is.
00:25:10.22\00:25:12.13
So when someone does
something you can say
00:25:12.16\00:25:14.09
wait a minute that
is not our charter.
00:25:14.12\00:25:16.94
Our charter is
this, go take that back.
00:25:16.97\00:25:21.06
And then the other person
has agree by signing this,
00:25:21.09\00:25:24.64
the other person has said, okay,
00:25:24.67\00:25:26.34
I can't be
upset with you because
00:25:26.37\00:25:28.51
I have formally
agreed with you not to do.
00:25:28.54\00:25:31.32
You can see the peace and order,
00:25:31.35\00:25:33.38
you write and peace and order.
00:25:33.41\00:25:35.03
God is about order and peace.
00:25:35.06\00:25:37.08
If your marriage
isn't reflecting order,
00:25:37.11\00:25:39.51
it's not
reflecting his very nature.
00:25:39.54\00:25:42.81
His nature is order,
that's why God has a kingdom,
00:25:42.84\00:25:44.94
He doesn't have
a democracy, okay.
00:25:44.97\00:25:46.62
He has a kingdom
that has order and peace.
00:25:46.65\00:25:50.08
Amen. You see what I'm saying.
00:25:50.11\00:25:51.66
So let's go
through those four again.
00:25:51.69\00:25:53.13
There's the monarchy.
00:25:53.16\00:25:54.30
That's the monarchy, theocracy,
00:25:54.33\00:25:55.68
democracy and corporation. Okay.
00:25:55.71\00:25:58.00
And we want to do this not--
00:25:58.03\00:25:59.83
we want to do this so that
we can live happily ever after.
00:25:59.86\00:26:02.81
And you're saying that
the monarchy may not be wrong,
00:26:02.84\00:26:05.43
there may be someone
even in the western culture
00:26:05.46\00:26:07.87
who is just I don't want to
make decisions, I trust you.
00:26:07.90\00:26:10.38
There is a benefit,
there are some people who like,
00:26:10.41\00:26:11.84
you know what, I
don't want to be responsible
00:26:11.87\00:26:13.31
for any failures so I'll
let you make all the mistakes.
00:26:13.34\00:26:17.93
Okay, great, if you're
that kind of personality
00:26:17.96\00:26:19.30
then you just
marry someone who likes
00:26:19.33\00:26:20.53
to make
decisions and you're good.
00:26:20.56\00:26:21.85
But the most
important thing is that
00:26:21.88\00:26:23.69
both spouses agree to this type.
00:26:23.72\00:26:26.72
How can two walk
together unless they agree.
00:26:26.75\00:26:27.99
Unless they agree.
00:26:28.02\00:26:29.13
So can you imagine if
the enemy has the couples
00:26:29.16\00:26:31.87
not ever deciding
on how they agree?
00:26:31.90\00:26:35.07
There is never
going to be an agreement.
00:26:35.10\00:26:36.48
Or peace and order.
00:26:36.51\00:26:37.85
No peace and order,
if they're not agreeing.
00:26:37.88\00:26:39.40
So then once that
happens he has got inroads
00:26:39.43\00:26:41.41
to a lot more
arguments and conversations,
00:26:41.44\00:26:43.80
disrespect, disharmony,
there's a lot of things.
00:26:43.83\00:26:47.52
You know that you are
nothing if not thought provoking
00:26:47.55\00:26:51.06
and you know there are
so many things that we take,
00:26:51.09\00:26:53.78
I didn't realize how
much we just go into marriage
00:26:53.81\00:26:57.57
and really blessed
if it has gone smoothly,
00:26:57.60\00:27:00.63
JD and I have a
wonderful marriage.
00:27:00.66\00:27:02.45
We got it
accidentally right. We got it.
00:27:02.48\00:27:06.08
I guess so because
they-- what you're saying
00:27:06.11\00:27:08.27
is marriage is that
come to you in disarray
00:27:08.30\00:27:10.11
and then it got to be fixed.
00:27:10.14\00:27:11.42
And so these are
some wonderful principles
00:27:11.45\00:27:13.04
you will come back upright. Yes.
00:27:13.07\00:27:14.81
Thank you so much
for being in again today.
00:27:14.84\00:27:16.08
Thank you, ma'am.
00:27:16.11\00:27:17.63
And I hope that
you've enjoyed this
00:27:17.66\00:27:19.52
and that you're learning
as much as I'm learning.
00:27:19.55\00:27:21.51
And these are some things
that we do need to think about
00:27:21.54\00:27:24.11
in our marriage
because you know,
00:27:24.14\00:27:26.11
what the devil does the family,
00:27:26.14\00:27:28.61
the marriage is the
smallest unit of a church.
00:27:28.64\00:27:31.68
So you can count on
that the devil is trying
00:27:31.71\00:27:34.74
to break up that small unit
00:27:34.77\00:27:36.27
because that's how
he attacks the church.
00:27:36.30\00:27:38.71
So I want to encourage
you to put this into practice
00:27:38.74\00:27:42.37
and decide how--
what kind of government
00:27:42.40\00:27:44.84
you're going to agree on
and put it down in writing.
00:27:44.87\00:27:48.14
And may the Lord
multiply His mercy,
00:27:48.17\00:27:50.99
love and grace to you always.
00:27:51.02\00:27:53.11
Thank you. Thank you.
00:27:53.14\00:27:54.69