Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000348
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00:31 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn
00:32 and welcome again to "Issues and Answers." 00:34 We're so glad that you tuned in no matter 00:36 where you watching from around the world 00:38 and today we have a very important topic 00:40 and it's something that I think 00:42 a lot of Christian marriages suffer from 00:45 and that is the enemy of anger within the marriage. 00:50 You know Paul wrote to the Ephesians 00:52 and he said in Ephesians 4:26, 00:54 "When angry do not sin, do not let your wrath" 00:59 your indignation, your exasperation 01:02 and your frustration "last until the sun go down, 01:06 leave no room or foothold for the devil." 01:11 When we have anger in our marriages 01:13 and unresolved issues then we are opening the door 01:17 just a crack maybe, but the devil can get a foothold. 01:21 So we are so thrilled to have back with us today 01:24 Dr. Douglas Weiss and he comes to us 01:27 from Colorado Springs, Colorado. 01:29 He is the Director for Heart to Heart Counseling Center there. 01:34 Doug, thank you so much for coming back. 01:37 Sure, it's good to be back. 01:38 Now you a have a-- let's talk about who you are 01:42 and why you're qualified to address this issue. 01:46 Okay, well, I've written 20 books 01:47 and I've been counseling for about 20 years 01:49 and have seen lots of couples over those 20 years. 01:53 We have a counseling center in Colorado Springs, 01:54 we do phone counseling, we do intensives 01:56 all that kind of stuff and I've had anger. 02:01 That makes you qualified, isn't it? 02:03 Now you are also a Christian counselor because you have-- 02:05 I'm a psychologist, yeah. 02:06 I'm a Christian and I've got two degrees in Bible, 02:10 so I mean I can preach as well as do this stuff. 02:12 So we'll just do this stuff 02:14 so as if I get preaching the words, serious trouble. 02:15 We're in serious trouble here today. 02:17 Well, we're glad that you have returned 02:19 we've enjoyed the programs that you have done before 02:22 and today let's talk 02:24 about how anger enters into marital relationship 02:29 and may I be so bold to suggest and I know you're gonna agree. 02:32 Some times people just come in with this baggage of your past. 02:36 Absolutely, absolutely. 02:37 Yeah, there is a, there is a few major causes 02:41 of anger in a marriage or in relationships in general. 02:45 One is if one or both of the spouses is really unskilled 02:50 at sharing their feelings, 02:51 they can actually get emotionally jammed up. 02:54 Okay, they feel rejected it comes out as an anger, 02:57 they feel alone it comes as an anger. 02:58 They feel unwanted that comes out is really angry, 03:01 they feel overwhelmed that comes out as other, 03:03 I don't know what I'm feeling, 03:04 so I'm gonna go into the room and watch TV for two hours. 03:06 Okay, so most of us do not have enough doors 03:09 to share our feelings, we only got two or three doors. 03:12 Okay, now that's the problem, okay. 03:15 So we were talking about doing feelings, 03:17 feeling is the kind of solution for that, 03:19 learning how to identify and communicate your feelings. 03:21 The book walks you through how to become 03:23 a really good expert in sharing your feelings. 03:25 And the book we are talking about is your book on Intimacy, 03:27 A 100-Day Guide to Lasting Relationships. 03:30 Sure, because if you're gonna be married it might be last, 03:32 and if you're gonna be married it might be as intimate. 03:33 Right. Right. 03:34 So we have intimacy the last, it's great, okay. 03:37 Now secondly you're right our past, 03:41 you know, I come from being conceived in adultery, 03:44 you know, being put in foster homes, being abused, 03:46 being neglected all kinds of pain, okay. 03:49 And so my pain coming into a marriage 03:51 which could have caused a lot of anger, okay. 03:54 And differs from full time till I got it figure 03:56 how to deal with that issue, okay and multiple issues. 04:00 The third part of anger can be kind of this plaque 04:04 that kind of develops in a relationship 04:06 because of unconfessed sin. 04:08 You're married 15, 20, 30 years 04:10 and your spouse doesn't say they're sorry, 04:12 doesn't own their stuff. 04:14 And what happens is then this plaque kind develops 04:17 between the sppouses 04:19 and that can really start bring up some anger. 04:23 Okay, so this is kind of like brushing your teeth 04:25 as a principle, so you're saying 04:27 like confessing your sin to one another, 04:30 in other words if I've hurt your feelings, 04:32 I need to tell you, I've sinned against you. 04:33 Absolutely, will you, 04:35 I mean, you know when you sin against J.D., right? Yes. 04:38 Holy Sprit tells you. Yes. 04:39 That was wrong. Yes. 04:40 Now sometimes the Holy Sprit tells you to be quite 04:42 before you sin and then you don't 04:44 and then you sin anyway, you know. 04:46 But we know when we sin against our spouse. 04:48 And usually we'd sin intentionally there 04:49 because it is an issue, it's not, 04:52 you know, my dad was mad so I am mad. 04:55 As Christian I have a new father. Right. 04:58 I have the sprit of adoption. 04:59 I have a choice not to be rude or unkind 05:03 or self serving and stuff like that. 05:05 Now I'm also flesh, 05:06 so I has a propensity to do exactly those things. 05:11 Doug, this is a topic that I really speak to 05:14 because if I'm trying to teach or preach 05:17 is going to be from something God's working out of me. 05:19 Sure, your life experience, sure. 05:20 From the experiences and anger is something 05:23 I can count on my hand, one hand. 05:25 The number of times that I have gotten angry in my entire life, 05:28 I have an incredibly long fuse J.D has a long fuse, 05:31 it would take a whole lot to have us get angry and explode. 05:35 Is that healthy, I mean-- 05:37 That may be healthy but, you know, that's normal. 05:40 I mean because you've worked, 05:41 you've been in ministry long enough 05:42 and you've seen enough marriage where anger really is an issue. 05:46 Now it doesn't need to be the issue for every marriage, 05:48 like money is not an issue for every marriage, 05:49 but it is for some and there are other things or other issues 05:52 where this is not one of yours, you're blessed in already. 05:54 But why is it and I don't understand really well, 05:58 I know people who have to go through rage management 06:01 and they've got anger management classes now. 06:03 What is all of this anger steaming from is my question. 06:07 Like we said it could be the-- 06:09 anybody can get feelings it could be past event 06:12 like we talked about abuse, 06:13 abandonment that clog like stuff 06:14 or it could just be the sin 06:15 that's clogged up in your relationship 06:17 so let's kind of let's unpack some of that. 06:20 Okay, like the first one obviously if its 06:23 because you don't know how to communicate feelings, 06:24 you need to get into the book 06:26 and learn to identify communicate your feelings 06:28 with two of those a day practice I feel blank 06:30 when at first time I'm feeling blank 06:32 and get your emotional-- 06:33 Say that a little slower 06:34 because you're talking a little fast there. 06:36 It's when you're--the exercise is I feel fill in the blank-- 06:42 When that's in the present tense like you know 06:44 I feel whatever give me a feeling. 06:48 I feel sad. 06:49 I feel sad when, okay, I miss a flight 06:53 and I'm not gonna be at home and see my family. 06:56 I first remember feeling sad when-- 06:58 really first remember feeling sad 06:59 when I was dropped off in a foster home 07:01 and I was probably like four or five years old. 07:03 Right. Didn't know what I was doing there. 07:05 Okay, so one sense in the present tense, 07:08 one is in the past tense under the age of 18. 07:11 So you can get your feeling skills up, 07:12 so that when you are feeling alone or rejected 07:15 or confused or overwhelmed, 07:16 you can separate alone from lonely, 07:19 confused from overwhelmed and you can communicate that, 07:21 so you don't have to get angry 07:22 because it's a very big feeling as you know 07:25 and so you can communicate it where the door needs 07:28 to be as opposes throwing everything 07:30 into the trash of anger. 07:32 So when couples are disagreeing a lot of times 07:36 there is unresolved issues, unresolved anger in their heart 07:40 and let's say that if you are repressing your feelings 07:43 and you don't know how to explain your feelings... 07:45 You're stuck. 07:46 You just get where there is this blockage 07:48 and what happens is you're either gonna come out 07:50 through one of those three doors, 07:51 either you're gonna be angry, 07:53 you're gonna be very angry or other 07:55 which is maybe slam the door and walk out and hop in the car. 07:59 Exactly. All right. 08:00 And so if you're not emotionally maturing then you're in trouble, 08:03 because in marriage one person is emotionally immature, 08:06 they're gonna have a lot more anger than they need to, 08:08 because really they just have other feelings 08:10 they can tell you how they feel. 08:12 Do you think anger is--I mean that's a sign of immaturity? 08:15 No, but because Jesus was angry, God is angry. 08:19 Yes, exactly. So they are both mature people. 08:21 All right, but what I'm saying is the Bible says 08:24 in your anger do not sin. 08:25 When you're acting out on anger in an inappropriate way, 08:29 that's the sign of immaturity. 08:31 Absolutely it can be, I mean because you can, 08:34 if you are using your anger to hurt another person 08:36 that's probably when you're getting into trouble. 08:38 Okay, because Jesus was angry 08:40 and you know even when he did an exercise of cleansing temple, 08:43 he didn't hurt anybody. 08:44 Of course they didn't know that he wasn't gonna hurt them. 08:48 But okay, so that's the first one. 08:50 The second one is that which we're kind of 08:53 moving towards right now is I come in with baggage. 08:56 All right. Ex-relationships hurt me, ex-girlfriends, 08:59 maybe their ex-husbands or wives 09:01 depending what your life story is like, 09:02 umm, maybe those has been hurt from churches, 09:06 maybe has been hurt from attorneys, 09:07 maybe has been hurt from bosses, 09:09 maybe has been hurt from professors, 09:11 maybe has been hurt from mom and dad growing up 09:13 but there is hurt. 09:15 Let me give you a good example I think here. Okay. 09:17 Within my family, I've someone 09:20 who in the first marriage was abused 09:23 and so now when if her husband, I mean, physically abuse. 09:28 So if her husband is angry with her 09:31 and if he gets her into a confined space 09:35 even though he has, her second husband, 09:37 even though he's not been physically abusive 09:40 but if he gets her with her back to the wall so to speak, 09:45 what she's reflecting on is she is going back 09:48 to the situation from the past and she just almost explodes. 09:53 So that's what you're saying, 09:55 when there is unresolved issues from the past, 09:58 you kind of project them into your current relationship? 10:01 Yeah, let me--let me give you a kind of a story 10:02 from Babe Ruth story, okay. 10:07 Babe Ruth was a famous American baseball player, okay, 10:10 but when he was a little boy okay, 10:12 he was dropped off at an orphanage, okay. 10:15 And when there is this big metal gate that he walks through 10:18 and the last thing his dad says to him is you're incorrigible 10:22 which means you're rotten to the core, 10:23 you're bad to know and you are bad. 10:26 And that's the last words he heard from his dad. 10:29 Then he walked into an orphanage and never saw his dad again. 10:31 Mercy. 10:33 Okay, so he grows up playing stickball, baseball, 10:35 we know his story. 10:36 Where there in a world series, 10:37 he's one of the most famous people 10:39 on the planet at this time. 10:41 He has his own private caboose car which would be like, 10:44 you know your own private plane today, okay. 10:46 Everything is great in his life, he's out there he's partying, 10:48 he's drinking, he's eating, he's sloppy, 10:50 he's got all those teammates in there, 10:52 you know, it's a confined area, and he's getting sloppy 10:54 and he's getting drunk and his wife looks at him 10:57 from across him and says, you're incorrigible. 11:01 And he flips out and starts throwing things 11:03 and get really upset, everyone gets out of the car, okay. 11:06 So she hit a past wound that he didn't heal. 11:10 And let me tell you something, 11:12 your spouse cannot heal any of your past wounds. 11:15 And if they run into them that means 11:18 it's something you should be aware off so that you heal. 11:21 See, like someone can hurt me, okay, and they have, 11:24 it's my responsibility to heal that hurt. Okay. 11:27 So I can be a better spouse. Does that make sense to you? 11:30 Yeah. In other words, the perpetrator was... 11:35 They shot the bullet. 11:36 They shot the bullet and they're fully accountable for the-- 11:40 whatever the incident is. Yes. 11:41 But what you're saying is quit playing the victim 11:44 and it's our responsibility, if I'm the one that's been shot, 11:48 it's my responsibility to be healed. 11:51 Yeah, it's okay that crime has happened 11:54 or an event has happened and that's truth, okay. 11:56 But that doesn't become your identity. 11:58 Okay, Jesus Christ has removed 12:00 anybody status of being a victim. 12:01 Amen, amen. 12:03 You know what I'm saying, just look at Him on the cross 12:05 and you can't cry victim, you can cry hurt, 12:08 you can cry wounded, but you can't cry victim 12:11 because he was innocent, he was beaten for our sins. 12:14 Okay, and yes, that person has hurt you, 12:16 I've been sexually abused, 12:17 I've been in abandoned, I've been neglected. 12:19 I was conceived in adultery, I got more reasons 12:20 than most people be upset and angry and hurt. 12:23 But Jesus, you see what I'm saying 12:25 and once you need him, 12:27 you have to become responsible not victim. Okay. 12:31 And we are responsible to heal, okay, 12:32 just walk through this, suppose, how would we do that? 12:35 Okay, now people come to me, I'm a psychologist, okay; 12:37 people come to see me to get help with woundedness. 12:41 Okay and I'll take him into the scripture 12:42 and show him how Jesus cleanse the temple. 12:45 Okay, all right. 12:46 We are the temple of Holy Spirit; 12:47 you know that you are the temple of the Holy Spirit. 12:49 Everyone who is saved, 12:51 you know that you are the temple of the Holy Spirit; 12:54 Holy Spirit indwells you, right? Right. 12:56 And now my temple's been wounded 12:58 all pretty much true there, okay, 13:00 so I'll go through and do what we call cleansing the temple. 13:03 Four steps, number one and some people 13:06 are going to be upset about this. 13:07 They think, oh, no, you should just forgive them, 13:08 wasn't Jesus cleansed the temple 13:10 before he said father, forgive them. 13:13 Okay, a lot of people, no, I'll just forgive them, 13:15 yeah, but they're still wounded. 13:16 And the thing is, Shelley, 13:17 these wounds are three dimensional, 13:19 spirit soul and body as we're walking around wounded with, 13:21 oh, I forgave them already 13:23 but you're still acting like you're wounded. Okay. 13:25 Okay, so we got to get to the wound three dimensionally. 13:27 So what you do, get a piece of paper make a list of 13:29 who has hurt you, okay, and then deal with it. 13:32 Number one, you write an anger letter, 13:34 so whatever the offender's name or perpetuator's name 13:36 or relative's name is you write that in there 13:38 and you write them an anger letter 13:40 and this is not a nice letter, this is puking on paper. 13:44 I can puke and put them in a pantry room and-- 13:45 you can just puke them, okay. 13:48 And before this--hang on, just one second, 13:50 before we go through the process 13:51 because I want everyone to understand you shared with me 13:54 that this process God gave you when you were working 13:59 with someone in a psychiatric or... 14:01 Sure. He working better. 14:03 Wasn't getting bitter and tell us 14:05 how the Lord gave you this process. 14:07 I was working with a young lady 14:08 who was originally sexually abused, okay. 14:10 And she wasn't healing and so and that was my job 14:13 to help her and I'm like, Lord, I'm out of ideas 14:17 and I don't know what to do with this girl, 14:18 she's really a mess. 14:20 And he said now, and the Lord tells me what to do it 14:21 and he show me later the scripture, 14:23 so he told me, listen go in there and have her do this. 14:26 Write the anger letter to the guy and then go in there, 14:29 this was like in seclusion room, there's a mattress in there, 14:32 and I got her racket and we showed her 14:35 how to do this exercise and she started to heal. 14:38 Okay and we've been using this exercise 14:39 for over 15 years in our clinical practice. 14:41 And it works. 14:42 And it works, it works for tens of thousands people 14:43 who've bought the book. 14:44 Okay. Okay. 14:45 And so it's a great stuff, okay. 14:47 What happens is so then 14:49 because the wound is three dimensional, 14:50 you have to have a three dimensional encounter 14:51 to push it out there, 14:52 it's like lacerating a three dimensional 14:54 wound letting the process, 14:55 well, then you can say forgive them. 14:57 All right. 14:58 So the first step is writing this letter 15:00 and it's with the intent 15:02 that you're not going to mail this letter, 15:04 you're not going to read it to anyone, 15:06 it is kind a cathartic thing, 15:08 you're putting it all out on the paper. 15:10 Puking on paper, okay. All right. 15:11 So number two, get some kind of racket or basher 15:13 I brought on and just warm up on mattress somewhere, okay, 15:16 just use your voice a bit, 15:17 no, no, just warm up a little bit, 15:18 get your body kind of go this is like puke, 15:20 you are preparing to a three dimensionally puke, okay. 15:24 But when you say why are you now processing this by taking say... 15:32 Let me get through it and then we'll do this. Okay. 15:34 So then you warm up, then you read the letter, 15:35 I'll ask you a question, I'm alone, no one's with you, 15:38 the phones are off, cell phones are off, okay, 15:40 and so you're in this room with this bat and a mattress 15:42 and you read the letter, dear perp, 15:43 how could you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, 15:45 you just puke write this, just read it out loud 15:47 so your brain kind of is going. 15:48 Then number four, you take that bat 15:51 and you go totally ballistic on that mattress and you yell, 15:53 you scream and you let every ugly thing out of your soul 15:58 and what happened is your body will be going at it 16:00 and you'll be going and I'll be starting to be like, 16:04 so that's all you want. 16:05 Then you're done. I can take 5 to 25 minutes. 16:08 And when you're done, your soul is... 16:11 So let me make sure 16:12 I'm following this, you write letter. 16:14 Write a letter. You warm up. 16:15 Warm up, yeah. 16:16 Now you read the letter and when we say warm up, 16:18 you're just getting your muscles in action, 16:20 you're warming up by this bat and something around 16:22 and it's an object not a person. 16:23 Yeah, not a person. 16:24 Then you read this letter out loud. That's right. 16:27 And then you just... 16:28 Go ballistic. Go ballistic. 16:29 Go ballistic. It's great. All right. 16:31 And after that stuff comes out of you, 16:33 now your soul is able to move through 16:36 the forgiveness process so much easy. 16:39 Because the righteous rage is-- it's you have to do with that. 16:44 God was angry when that happened with you. 16:47 Let me speak to someone, 16:49 whether you're a little girl or a little boy, 16:51 whether it was mom or dad or sexual offender 16:53 or someone that's hurt your heart, 16:54 hurt your spirit, hurt your sexuality. 16:56 God was watching. 16:57 He was hurt, He was angry, 16:59 He cried at the moment you were hurt. 17:02 He didn't enjoy that even and he's awfully mad 17:04 when what happened to you, 17:06 but you're gonna have to take responsibility to heal. 17:08 Does that makes sense. That makes sense. 17:09 God was there and he was upset, 17:12 He was hurt and so we're in agreement with Him 17:14 to be angry about this stuff. 17:16 Okay, Jesus cleansed the temple think about that, He was God. 17:20 He could have said, be gone and then I'll leave. 17:23 Be clean. 17:24 He could have brought the angels at he could done 17:26 it a hundred different ways. 17:28 He was showing us a method of healing our own temple. 17:33 So what He did was first to identify the sin saying, 17:37 you've made my father's house a dim of faiths. 17:40 Sure, and Jesus was able to have righteous anger. 17:43 Okay and he was able to express it, okay. 17:46 We're allowed to have anger and we're lot expressive 17:48 like you opened the show with, not to sin, 17:51 not to hurt somebody. 17:53 So I'm saying now go back a moment, 17:54 Jesus was a carpenter before power tools. 17:57 He was very muscular man, 17:59 okay who could walk for miles a day, 18:02 pick up trees, you know, all that kind of stuff, okay. 18:05 He in being upset if someone was in his way, 18:09 they need to get out of his way, okay. 18:11 And He was very expressive in this particular incident 18:13 because He wouldn't turned over tables. 18:15 When someone hurts His temple, He's always upset. 18:19 When people hurt our temple, He's upset about that. 18:22 We're the ones responsible to heal it. 18:24 Now if we don't heal it, it becomes a wound 18:26 and then what happens is I don't know 18:27 if you've ever been in a car accident 18:29 or ski accident or you've been hurt 18:31 and your spouse is hurt and you got two wounded people 18:33 in the same bed and one rolls over 18:35 and puts their arm around the other one and they go, ah! 18:37 That hurts, okay. Right, right. 18:38 What happens is if you don't heal with your wound 18:41 and your spouse ends up hitting it, 18:43 and then you're overreacting? 18:44 So here's how you tell you're wounded. 18:46 Your spouse does a level two offense 18:47 and you give them a level 12 response. Okay. 18:52 That you're wounded. Right. 18:53 Okay, and that's probably not about your spouse, 18:55 that's about you not healing the wound. 18:57 And it's not just, I mean, I'm just thinking of something 19:00 that happened in the office a few months back 19:03 where someone said something very minor, 19:06 a little joke and the other person 19:09 just totally went ballistic and it was like, 19:13 where is that coming from? 19:14 And I knew immediately because I know a little more 19:17 of the history of that person that they touched 19:20 on a very deep wound and this person was not healed. 19:23 Sure, sure, sure, and co-workers do it all the time. 19:26 Right, so anytime when you were talking in the book, 19:30 you mentioned that Jesus was very deliberate, 19:33 I mean, this wasn't-- He didn't just go in lose it 19:36 when he was cleansing the temple. 19:38 He sat down, in Luke He actually, 19:40 and Luke says that He made a whip 19:43 and He went in a very demonstrative fashion 19:47 to cleanse out, purposely to cleanse this temple 19:50 and tell them this is unacceptable. Right. 19:54 So what you're saying is that we need to then 19:58 do the same thing is realize that 20:00 we've got to cleanse our temple. 20:03 Sure. All right. 20:04 Because there were some people who did things 20:05 that were unacceptable. Right. 20:07 Okay and that's okay, it's our job to heal that, 20:08 so that's, you know, we cover the gender feelings, 20:11 we cover the pastors and the third thing is kind of 20:13 that plaque thing that kind of builds up between couples, 20:16 because you know that when I do marriage conferences, 20:19 I do them all over the country and world. 20:21 I'll ask people about, you know, when was the last time 20:24 that your spouse actually said forgive me? 20:28 I sinned against you. I am not. 20:31 I am not, sure that I've ever heard, 20:33 I have sinned against you but-- 20:34 Yeah I'm not talking about dating -- 20:35 No, but I mean most people-- 20:36 But they don't use their language. 20:38 They might say, oh, I'm sorry sometimes, 20:40 but they don't necessarily own things like you know what? 20:44 I was rude to you, I've sinned. I am sorry. 20:47 And usually what you here is, honey, I'm sorry. 20:49 I didn't mean to be rude, didn't mean to snap, 20:51 didn't mean to do this, that or the other. 20:53 But no, you don't hear people say 20:56 I have sinned against you. 20:57 All right, well, see what happens is that ends up 20:59 with plaque and then we've got all this, 21:01 you got your sin, I got my sin 21:03 and we've got this plaque between us. 21:04 Now in the book we talked about doing and owning, 21:06 see you can get rid of plaque. 21:08 Okay, whether is that plaque that builds up in your heart, 21:11 you know that plaque that people have on their teeth, 21:13 you know, and they get first it's like that light yellow, 21:16 then it kind of get sort of orange, brown, 21:17 then it kind of hangs on the end of their teeth, 21:18 ah, you know-- That's pretty graphic. 21:21 But the smell, you're stand back from them. Right. 21:24 And I can always tell people a couple that has plaque 21:26 because they don't have friends. 21:27 Ooh. Uh-huh. 21:29 You see what I'm saying, they got this parallel stuff 21:31 between them and no one comes in 21:32 because they're afraid someone's gonna see it, okay. 21:35 So they keep people away just like the plaque does, okay, 21:39 so what you do, is in the book we sit down 21:41 and we have you go through list of the things. 21:42 You've done wrong things and your spouse has done wrong 21:44 and they actually confess it one to other. 21:46 I've sinned against you but, 21:47 now the thing is some of our sins are like the big ones 21:50 and you're really angry, you yell to at, 21:52 you know, the grocery store when you're pregnant 21:53 with the first child for two days or whatever, 21:55 really big sins, okay. 21:57 But I've heard these things. 22:00 And then it's the things that are not the things I don't do, 22:05 I haven't praised you in 10 years, 22:07 I haven't touched you. 22:08 I haven't played with you, I haven't roam next to you, 22:12 I have been kind to you, 22:14 see, those things I don't do 22:15 that can be just as big sins. Right. 22:18 They're on the not side of doing things. 22:20 So you make a list of the things you've done, 22:23 done or behaviors or beliefs that you've had, 22:25 maybe you think, well, maybe you have a different opinion 22:29 of this person than God has, that would be wrong, okay. 22:32 And so you put together your list, 22:34 you confess it one to another, 22:36 okay, in a sense if we confess our faults one to another 22:37 we can be healed, 22:38 and if you right spin it feels much, right. Right. 22:41 Okay, so if I confess my faults one to another 22:43 and with my spouse, we can mutually get healed, 22:46 healed and healing at the same time. 22:49 I mentioned to you before the program 22:51 because I've read part of the book that it seems to me 22:54 that this would be something that would be difficult 22:57 to tell a man in particular, 22:59 a woman maybe a little more malleable 23:02 about doing this exercise, 23:04 but that it seems to me it would be difficult 23:05 to tell a man, okay, 23:06 what we're going to do is we're gonna sit down 23:08 and you write up your list of how you've sinned against me. 23:11 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 23:12 Let's see by the time they get to that chapter; 23:13 they think I'm relatively intelligent, okay, 23:16 because they've relearned some other things 23:17 that actually work if they done them. All right. 23:20 You see what I'm saying, it's go well, 23:21 this seems uncomfortable but now I can tell you, 23:23 where most people jam up is the anger exercise, 23:25 well, that makes sense but I'm not gonna do. 23:28 It's that people actually do it to get the benefits of it. 23:31 And the people who do the owning get the benefits of it. 23:33 Again, intimacy is work, right? Right. 23:35 Intimacy is work. 23:37 If you do the work, you get it. 23:39 So if you keep this plaque between two of you, 23:41 it's gonna jam you up and you're gonna be angry 23:43 because this is not the first time 23:45 you've done this for 30 years. 23:48 All right, so well, take us through these steps again 23:49 because I don't want to-- the steps are, 23:52 you each sit down-- 23:53 Make a list of your sins. And make a list. 23:55 That I commit towards my spouse. 23:56 Sins being things like being rude, 23:58 being disrespectful, being, 24:00 I mean, they can be little sins or they could be the big sins. 24:02 Yeah, but then you know what they are. 24:03 Now what is the process? 24:04 Let's say that you're sitting down and-- 24:05 Okay, suppose we were couple we would say okay, 24:08 I would say okay, wife, I need you to forgive me for blank. 24:12 And what are my two responses that are allowed. 24:14 Two responses, you've read the book, 24:15 very good, okay, your responses 24:16 are I forgive you or I need more time. 24:19 And that's all I'm allowed to say. 24:20 That's all you allowed to say. 24:21 No feedback, nothing and you both go through 24:22 your list back and forth until you get through 24:24 the whole list, okay. 24:25 So alternating, in other words, you tell me. 24:27 I do one, you do one. And then it's my turn. 24:28 I do one, you do one. 24:29 And then what happens is you get through 24:31 by 95% of them being forgiven. 24:33 There might be a few things that are still 24:35 kind of stuck but that's no longer between two of you. 24:37 That becomes between that person and the Lord. 24:40 Hmm, okay. 24:42 You see what I'm saying. 24:43 So now it's removed between you and me 24:45 because I've owned it. 24:46 I've set on the throne. 24:47 So if you have just told me that I'm sorry, 24:49 I was very disrespectful when I was been condescending 24:54 to you in front of our friends. 24:55 Yeah, or didn't introduce to somebody. 24:58 So now you've said that and let's say 25:00 that it was a particular bad interaction and I tell you, 25:03 I need more time. 25:07 Essentially, you've already said that 25:09 so now it's my turn to go to the Lord and said, 25:11 Lord, change my heart, 25:12 He has asked for forgiveness and what else can you do, 25:17 it's my heart that needs to be changed. 25:19 It's this what you're saying, right? 25:20 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got a whole sermon on 25:22 and I'm not here to preach but on forgiveness 25:24 and if you want to increase your faith, 25:25 you have to increase forgiveness. 25:27 Amen. I agree with that 100%. 25:30 All right, now part of one of the exercises 25:32 and, you know, some I know, Doug, 25:34 I just know because there are some, 25:36 I think you're a very intelligent man 25:38 and I know you've been on 2020 and on different networks, 25:43 Oprah Winfrey and all this, 25:44 I know that you're very sought-after counselor, 25:47 I know you're not cheap. 25:50 Your hourly rate is-- 25:51 No, we have a team of counselors 25:53 who can meet different people's financial situations. 25:55 But the point that I'm making is you're very educated man 25:58 and I believe you're a strong Christian. 26:00 And as I was reading through, 26:01 there was some wonderful parts 26:02 and I got to these exercises 26:04 and I'm thinking this is interesting, 26:06 especially after you did the cleansing-- 26:08 This is interesting I'm not gonna do it. 26:10 I mean if--you know you got to convince people that-- 26:12 Sure, sure. 26:13 And do this so let's have to go through 26:15 the cleansing of the temple 26:16 but then you have had that the two chairs in forgiveness. 26:19 Yeah, the forgiveness of the people 26:20 that they had to go through, sure. 26:21 So at that part because that was interesting to me 26:24 to see somebody doing that 26:26 but you're convincing me that it will work. 26:28 We do them in my office all the time, 26:29 they do pay a lot of money for these exercises 26:31 if they're sitting in my office but it's in the book. Right. 26:34 Okay, and we're giving it you, 26:35 we're giving it to you free today, 26:38 thank this network, okay. 26:39 Yes, not the book, not the book but the advice. 26:41 Okay, right, yes. 26:44 Okay, now, but what happens is so you've done the anger work 26:47 going back to that section and then there is a place 26:49 we need to say, father, forgive them. 26:51 Okay, we need to forgive them, okay. 26:52 So what you do is you get two chairs out, 26:54 and you do a little role-play, okay. 26:55 First you are the offender, 26:58 suppose the offender was person B. 27:00 and you say, you know what, I need you to forgive me 27:02 and then you switch the chairs and then they say, 27:04 you can sign it if you can forgive me. 27:06 So you're at and then you come back to the first chair 27:08 and respond as the perpetuator to that forgiveness. 27:11 Now, that may take a few times 27:13 so I would really get the book and work through that. 27:15 All right and let me just recap that very quickly, 27:17 two empty chairs, I'm playing both roles, 27:19 first I'm the one that's perpetuator 27:21 and I ask for forgiveness and I change chairs 27:23 and then now I either accept their forgiveness 27:26 or tell them I need more time 27:28 and then you just walk through that. 27:30 Thank you, Doug, this went really too fast. 27:31 Yeah, it's a good subject. 27:33 Thanks so much for being here and you'll come back. 27:36 Okay, yes, ma'am. Amen, God bless. 27:38 For those of you at home, remember, 27:40 anger is something that's a natural human response 27:44 but in your anger, do not sin that's excellent advice. 27:47 Now may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, 27:49 the love of the Father and fellowship of the Holy Spirit 27:52 be with you today and always. Okay. |
Revised 2014-12-17