Participants: Shelley Quinn (Host), Douglas Weiss
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000347
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00:30 Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn.
00:31 And welcome again to Issues and Answers. 00:33 Today we've had a really interesting topic 00:35 and it's one I want you men 00:37 to stay tuned in as well as the women. 00:40 If you are married you need to know 00:42 how to develop a greater intimacy in relationship. 00:46 And one of those ways is through dating. 00:48 And don't turn the channel, guys, 00:49 because you are going to find out 00:51 there's a very Biblical principle here 00:53 and there is a lot of benefit 00:56 in learning to appreciate your wife, 00:58 your spouse on an ongoing basis 01:01 and not taking each other for granted. 01:03 Listen what Paul wrote to the Romans. 01:05 And we're going to apply it to this topic. 01:06 This is Romans 14:19, 01:09 he said, "Let us then definitely aim for 01:13 and eagerly pursue what makes for harmony 01:16 and for mutual upbuilding 01:19 or edification and development of one another." 01:23 If you want a good marriage, it's really pretty simple 01:26 and here to tell us about it today is Dr. Douglas Weiss. 01:31 Doug, thank you so much for coming back. 01:34 Now you are the author of 20 books, 01:37 one in particular that we are taking 01:39 today's topic from is "Intimacy. 01:42 A 100-Day Guide to Lasting Relationships." 01:45 Yes, and we're talking about dating. 01:47 And dating is something that 01:48 a lot of people lose sight of pretty quickly in marriage. 01:51 You know, when you're courting your wife, 01:53 you're courting your husband, 01:54 you spend all those time together, 01:55 you connect, you look under the stars, 01:57 you hangout, at hours and hours a week. 02:00 And then you get married 02:02 and all of a sudden you're too busy for each other. 02:04 Thing starts sliding away. 02:05 If you have kids it even gets worst, 02:06 then you have a dog and it get worsening, 02:08 you now, all of a sudden career starts going. 02:09 And all the sudden dating thing starts fading off. 02:12 Oh yeah, we've dated in 19, 02:14 you know, I remember one client I had in my office and I said 02:16 what was last time you guys dated? 02:18 And she looked at him and he looked at her 02:19 which is always a bad sign when you're counseling somebody. 02:21 And I said how old is you daughter? 17 years. 02:24 No we haven't dated in 17 years. 02:25 I said okay, we stop our session 02:26 right now, it's going to be half hour, 02:28 take the extra money from the session 02:29 and you go on a date, don't come back to my office 02:31 until you date because I can't help you. 02:32 Yeah, so you are answering a question here 02:35 that I wanted to ask 02:36 'cause what makes you qualify to talk about this. 02:39 Now first of all 02:40 you are a Christian counselor? Yes, I am. 02:42 Your business is Heart to Heart Counseling Center. 02:44 I've been counseling people for over 20 years, yes. 02:46 20 years. 02:47 You also had your doctorate in-- 02:49 Psychology, masters in marriage and family counseling, 02:51 MD and all that stuff, yes. 02:52 All right, but you also from personal experience, 02:56 this isn't just something that 02:58 you developed only from Scripture 02:59 although it is all Biblical based. 03:01 From personal experience did you know 03:04 from the beginning to keep dating your wife 03:06 or was it something that you had to learn to do yourself? 03:09 Well, for me it's why I dated my wife. All right. 03:13 I mean, that's why I married my wife, 03:15 I married my wife to have a permanent date. Okay. 03:18 You know what I'm saying. But did you? 03:20 Yes, I think we dated almost every week, 03:22 unless I'm out of the country or out of town. 03:24 We dated almost every week 03:25 and we've done that for most of our marriage. 03:29 I mean, our kids expect us to go out. 03:31 They expect that we love each other enough 03:32 that we want to have time together. 03:34 See God wants to be dating, 03:37 He'd like to have little quality time with you too. 03:39 Amen, that's why we believe you pray at the Sabbath-- 03:41 Yes, so he is praying us, so HE can date us. 03:44 So he can hangout be with us, play with us, have fun. 03:46 So give us your definition of a date, 03:48 I think you just said that? 03:49 Okay, now let's first, 03:51 let's start with what the date is not. 03:52 Most couples get that side wrong first, okay. 03:56 A date is not any of the following things, okay. 03:59 It is not running errands. Okay. 04:02 It's not hanging at Walmart 04:03 you can take it for a check in, it is not that. 04:06 You can take your kids along for that ride, okay. 04:09 It is not therapy, you don't discuss problems on a date. 04:13 The worst thing you can do is hire babysitter go out, 04:15 you know, drop 50 bucks talk to your spouse right. 04:18 And all you are doing is complaining at each other. 04:20 A date is a complain free zone. Okay. 04:25 Okay, I think you're getting excited, right? 04:26 Yeah, I'm really excited. 04:27 All right, and number three, it is not shopping. 04:30 And all the men say, thank you Jesus. 04:32 Okay, a date is not three hours at the mall 04:34 not buying something, okay. 04:36 Now if both people agree they want to go shopping 04:37 maybe for Christmas or big ticket item 04:39 okay, you can use date occasionally for that. 04:41 But it's unless both people would agree. 04:43 So he can't take her to home depot for three hours 04:45 and she can't take him to the mall 04:47 for three hours and call that fun. Okay. Okay. 04:50 So with those guidelines and a date is the finest 04:52 three or four hours of fun, okay. 04:55 Three or fours hours of fun. 04:57 A lot of couples don't have that fun anymore 04:59 because they've become 05:00 so process oriented in getting the everyday things 05:05 I mean, like you said, 17 years 05:07 these people haven't dated. 05:08 How does someone get back into that? 05:10 You start, before on the calendar 05:12 you say okay, Thursday and it's our date 05:14 or every other Thursday night. 05:16 Once or twice and once a week 05:18 or once every other week is-- 05:20 about twice a month is minimum. 05:22 You're saying, oh, Dr. Doug, you don't understand, 05:24 you know, I'm broke we don't have any money and nothing. 05:27 Listen, you find someone who is as poor as you 05:29 or more poor than you and you swap kids. 05:32 I'll take yours one week, you take mine one week 05:34 and we still get to be-- we'll start our date night. 05:36 And both of our marriages will be healthier. 05:39 See if all you do is parent, our work, you will burn out. 05:44 When I walk down the isle before God, 05:47 before the congregation 05:49 I did not say you are so worthless to me, 05:53 I will never spent quality time with you, 05:55 I will avoid you, 05:56 I'll burden you with children and bills, 05:58 but I will not connect to you, 06:00 I will not spend quality time with you before God 06:03 and all these congregation. 06:04 Now then maybe what you actually do, 06:07 but that is not what you promised before God. 06:10 Somehow-- 06:11 Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. 06:13 But I'm sitting here and I'm getting the impression 06:15 that there is some woman 06:17 some precious saint that's watching 06:18 and she is elbowing her husband saying 06:20 are you listening to this. 06:22 And the man is sitting there going, 06:23 oh, this sounds like work. 06:25 But the Bible the scripture that we opened up with 06:27 when it was talking about 06:29 eagerly pursue things that edify one another. Sure. 06:32 The word edification in the Greek is 06:35 if you're going to look at a literal translation 06:37 in today's language, 06:39 it's to charge up, to build up, 06:41 like you're charging a battery. Absolutely. 06:43 So what you're saying is that for a good marital relationship, 06:47 whether you have children or don't have children. 06:50 There is some childless couples that they work all the time, 06:52 they don't know how to have fun. 06:54 You're saying this isn't necessarily going out 06:57 with the group from church or the group from the office-- 06:59 No, no, it's just you and me. 07:00 To you and your spouse going out 07:03 and sharing quality time together. 07:05 And some people, I know there is got to be men 07:08 and even women sitting here thinking, 07:10 what would we even talk about after all these years. 07:12 If we can't talk about our problems and processing, 07:16 how do we have fun with one another? 07:17 Yeah, they need to get the other show 07:19 we did in and we get that and plug it in and watch you 07:21 and I talk about that. 07:23 Dating is recharging, okay. Yes, amen. 07:25 If we serve a God who is a God of a Sabbath. 07:29 Yes, amen. 07:32 And that's our hope, it will recharge in your marriages. 07:33 And if your marriage doesn't reflect a Sabbath, 07:38 it's probably not reflecting God. That's true. 07:41 Your relationship wasn't to just work, 07:44 it was to rest and have fun. 07:47 You have to be playmates not roommates. That's good. 07:51 You know what I'm saying. 07:52 And so that kind of break you take in your marriage 07:56 is should be as held religiously. 07:59 It is in my house, okay. 08:01 Our date night is it's just like going to church, 08:06 you know, it is going to happen sick, 08:08 dead or whatever, 08:09 we say because we have a principle based relationships. 08:12 How legal are those principles. 08:14 And one of the principles of the healthy marriage is dating. 08:16 When a couple comes into my office, 08:18 I'll ask them six to seven questions 08:19 to find out how what their structures are. 08:21 Dating is the first structure, 08:23 because I know if that structure is out of place, 08:25 this couple is not having fun. 08:27 If they don't have any fun, 08:28 they're not going to like each other, 08:29 they don't like each other, have to treat each other 08:30 with respect. You see what I'm saying. 08:33 Do you get much resistance from men? 08:35 I think to me I don't know why-- 08:36 Yeah, actually guys like they're fun. 08:39 And I'm going to get you why in a few minutes 08:41 because they get to be in charge 08:42 of some of this down the road, 08:43 so we'll get into that in a few minutes. 08:45 But, you know, without dating 08:46 you're setting your spouse up to be 08:48 a less than parent than they could be. 08:51 You're setting your spouse up to be less fun, 08:54 more deprived, more angry, more frustrate. 08:56 Why would you want to set your spouse up for that. 08:59 If all I do is this all the time, 09:01 I mean, for me I personally get angry 09:03 if our date doesn't workout, 09:05 because I work so I can date. Okay. 09:09 You know what I'm saying? I do, I mean-- 09:10 I have a car, so I went on this, 09:12 this is my date night, I want to-- 09:13 You are preaching to somebody that needs to hear this. 09:15 I want to date, you know, I married my wife to date her. 09:18 And if something is between me and my wife 09:20 there is going to be a price to pay, 09:22 you know, what I'm saying. 09:23 You know, if I'm internationally traveling 09:25 or we got some other thing that we're going, 09:26 we understand that we'll switch our date 09:27 to another night usually, okay. 09:30 Now suppose that my week is jammed up. 09:32 Now Shelley, you know, how they're just. Absolutely. 09:34 Things add up, people call things happen or leases, 09:37 the kids got this or that 09:38 or somebody wants me to sleepover or whatever 09:40 what can happen is we can look at a week 09:42 and all of a sudden it's like, well, what's going on. 09:44 So what we'll do is instead of, 09:46 you know, saying, oh, well, we can't date, 09:48 we'll say oh, we can date on Monday instead of Friday. 09:53 See this dating is a principle of marriage. 09:56 We are committed to date. 09:57 Let me tell you a very funny story 09:59 and this happened, Hadassah is now 14 my daughter. 10:02 So this happened before she was born, 10:03 so it's over 15 years ago. 10:05 And my wife rather is a saint, 10:07 she is very, she sins so little, it's disgusting, okay. 10:11 So I'm not saying anything bad about her but this one time 10:15 we, she was really mad at me for something 10:18 and honestly Shelley, one of the blessing 10:19 of being a man is you don't remember, 10:22 you don't remember what you did wrong, 10:23 so it's great I don't remember I did wrong. 10:24 But I remember she is really mad at me, okay. 10:27 And so it was our date night 10:29 and she says I'm not dating you, 10:31 I'm not going on date with you. 10:33 I said now Lisa, I said listen, 10:35 I go first of all 10:36 our relationship is not emotionally based, 10:38 it's principle based, okay. 10:39 Now you right now 10:41 are trying to change it to emotionally based, 10:44 so that I have to earn a date with you, 10:45 I have to be good enough for date with you, 10:47 or something like that. 10:49 So I'm going to offer you one more time 10:51 to go on this date with me, 10:53 but I'm going on a date. With you or without you. 10:56 So she says, I'm not going on a date with you, 11:00 I'm mad at you. I go, okay, that's fine. 11:04 So I went on my date, I went to four star restaurant 11:06 'cause she was there telling me what to eat, all right 11:08 and so I went to nice restaurant 11:09 and I went out to a movie, I had a blast, 11:11 I came back about 10 o'clock 11:12 I was happy as I look 11:14 and she has never done it sense 11:16 because she knows I'm committed to a principle 11:19 and it is not emotionally based, 11:21 it's just like prayer, prayers is not something you do 11:22 because you feel like praying, He is worthy of praise, 11:25 and he is worthy of prayer everyday 11:26 whether you feel like it or not. 11:28 So I'm saying God deserves his day too. 11:30 What you're saying, when you're saying, 11:32 it's not emotionally based, but it's principally based-- 11:35 principally based. Principally based, right. 11:37 Easy for me to say. I question you it is principle. 11:39 You probably did that today. 11:40 So no matter like washing my face, 11:42 I don't care how late it is 11:44 when I come in, I'm going to wash my face-- 11:46 That's a principle, right. 11:47 You know, I've just learned if you want to have nice skin, 11:49 you don't go to bed with junk on your face. 11:51 Or if you want to have a nice marriage, 11:52 you date your spouse. 11:53 All right, will you keep saying that 11:56 this is if you are not that you are, it's like a sin 11:58 the principle, what you based in that principle. 12:01 I can't imagine not dating my wife. So- 12:03 I can imagine how God feels if I don't date my wife. 12:06 He gave me this incredible woman, 12:08 I'm supposed to celebrate her, 12:09 because I'm supposed to have His voice towards her, 12:11 His voice is celebration towards her. 12:14 If I don't have His voice as celebration towards her 12:17 I think He is upset at me. Okay. 12:21 Because I'm not being responsible 12:22 with who He gave me to celebrate. 12:24 So the principle is we can't say we're too broke, 12:27 we can't say we're too busy-- 12:28 Well, that's the top excuses, that's an excuse or sin. 12:31 There is a principle 12:33 and the principle is we are dating. 12:35 Let's say that we just decided to do this twice a month 12:37 and we got certain date nights, 12:39 so when it comes to that date night, 12:41 it's like put aside the emotion-- 12:44 this is it's like your Sabbath rest with your spouse. 12:48 You are going to reconnect, recharge your battery. 12:51 Who sets these things up, I-- 12:53 Both of you. All right. 12:54 Let's talk about like who is responsible 12:56 for dating, okay. Okay. 12:58 Well, you both are. 12:59 And I'll tell you what, Shelley, 13:00 I have a couples who like, 13:02 well, we're just not good at like keeping it going. 13:04 Okay, let's deal with that first. 13:05 Then we'll say who sets it up, okay. 13:07 So if you are not good at keeping it going in your life 13:09 10 years ago we used to do that, 15 years ago, 13:11 I remember when we were 20 honey, okay. 13:14 If that's you, and you're emotionally based what you do. 13:16 You say, okay, listen, 13:17 we're going to set up a date night. 13:18 Now if we don't go on a date, 13:19 we're going to take the same money 13:21 whether it's 20, 40, 60, 100 dollars 13:22 whatever it is depending on your wealth, okay. 13:25 We're going to take that same money 13:26 we either going to burn it 13:27 or we're going to sent to a public organization 13:29 we don't fall for. 13:32 That's radical. Seem same. 13:34 So now I have a consequence for not celebrating you. 13:37 So I most likely get to celebrate you. 13:40 You see what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm a radical counselor. 13:42 We get it done, okay. 13:44 Now if you want to be conservative, 13:46 conservative values is dating your spouse 13:50 and celebrating your spouse, that's a family value. 13:54 So you are talking to someone that frankly 13:56 we get very busy in ministry we haven't-- 13:59 Ministry is not supposed to get you away 14:01 from loving each other, connecting each other. 14:02 You see I've even thought about us not dating is being-- 14:05 The ministry is dating each other. 14:07 What you do during the day is what God has you do 14:09 but He has never called you to labor 14:10 so hard to cancel a date with your spouse, 14:12 that's not His yoke, His yoke is easy 14:15 and it doesn't lose the priority of people. 14:18 Okay, you are not the only one in ministry 14:20 who has some times gone over the board with this way, 14:23 over the board that way. 14:24 That was probably for like millions of people in ministry. 14:27 I was at a church recently I won't tell you where, 14:29 but the pastor pulls me in his office 14:30 and says listen Doug, he says well, I'm out of balance, man. 14:33 You know, ever since my wife is now on staff, 14:35 and now, you know, I'm on staff 14:37 and ever since she has been on the staff, 14:38 we never see each other in work. 14:39 I go you just have to repent of that pastor. 14:42 And set a night that is your night 14:44 and if you want the staff, no. 14:45 So that's' a sin is what you're saying. 14:47 When you say repent of it we've got to turn around. 14:48 Well, you can only just repent of things like that. Okay. 14:52 You know, I'm saying because you didn't marry to pay bills, 14:56 you didn't marry to do a mortgage, 14:58 you didn't marry to fix the house, 15:00 you didn't marry to just manage children, 15:02 you married to connect. 15:06 And some of this probably have forgotten. 15:07 I know you are saying that rightly. 15:08 Oh yeah, I mean to say-- 15:09 You see what happens is, you can lose sight of 15:12 why you're married. 15:13 You are married to engage the soul, 15:16 that you come in as you like to. 15:17 Okay, now lets talk about how it's actually is done, 15:19 because we want to make sure it's fun for everybody. 15:21 Okay, now dating can be really, really fun 15:24 if you use this way of doing, okay. 15:26 So if there is a husband and wife, okay. 15:29 You rotate responsibility for the date. 15:32 Okay, so that he's blameless, 15:34 okay so one week in your marriage 15:36 it would be your date, Shelley, 15:38 100 percent you decide where we go, 15:41 what we do and the object of the date is for you 15:45 to have a good time. Okay. 15:47 And your husband is the happy camper. 15:50 He can't whine and mourn and act like you know 15:52 you know some thing is wrong in his life, okay. 15:54 He needs to celebrate that you are having fun, okay. 15:57 You guys have raised kids or something like that, 15:58 you know this whole scene of you know, 16:00 sitting for hours 16:01 and all that kind of stuff is not fun, all right. 16:03 So you just be happy with the process 16:05 and then finally get your husband's date. 16:07 So if I want to go roller-skating then he-- 16:09 He goes roller-skating. He goes for roller-skating. 16:11 And if he wants to play golf, 16:12 you play golf. All right. 16:13 And if he wants to sit on a lake and you know just east pizza. 16:16 If you want to go to this little you know coffee boutique 16:19 and just sit around and play, 16:20 you know, some kind of game you can, 16:22 okay, because it's your date. 16:24 Some of them dates in coffee shop, 16:25 some of them been really kind of nicer things and fun thing. 16:28 We have this variety of dates, you see when it's my date, 16:31 I get to do what I want to do. 16:33 If I want to go to a place and go swimming with my wife 16:36 and hang off for three hours and eat a hot dog, 16:39 we're on my date. 16:41 If she wants to do something, 16:42 she wants to go bike riding we can. 16:44 If she wants to do the movie thing, 16:45 as long as you know legitimate to watch it as a Christian, 16:48 fine, you know, so we rotate back and forth. 16:52 Like this week it is actually her date, 16:56 so I don't have to think about it. 16:58 The only role we have is to check to tell, 17:00 tell the other person to dress appropriately. 17:02 You're not to tell me to take it. 17:04 It's to just make sure you're dressed appropriately. 17:05 You said you sit here right, its where that I am speechless 17:08 but you really have totally caught me off guard 17:11 because I am trying to sit and think 17:13 when is the last time that we went out, 17:15 I am not saying that we never go out to dinner or something 17:18 but, it's usually it's with friends 17:21 and it's, you know, it's ministry. 17:24 There is we have a active social life but-- 17:26 It's not dating. 17:27 It's not dating and I am just sitting here and thinking, 17:29 wow, this is a novel concept to think that 17:33 I should be dating my husband. 17:35 And many couples forget to date their spouse. 17:37 Listen, dates what got you in this situation. Right. 17:42 You know, kind of dance with the one who brought you, 17:44 if dating got you married, they even keep you married. 17:47 But when you said that God wants to date us 17:51 He wants to be dated I mean God, 17:54 were you basically-- 17:55 We call that devotions, 17:56 You know He wants our time with us. 17:58 But there are sometimes when you see 17:59 like when I get to travel like when I am doing a show like this 18:02 or something like that, I got to travel out of town, 18:03 and I get to stay in a hotel or some place like that-- 18:06 that is one of my times when God dates me. 18:09 Like last night, I was hanging out, 18:10 we were just praying and talking, 18:11 he is talking to me, I am taking we have a good time. 18:13 That was a great time, I love those quality times with Him. 18:16 He loves some of that prolong dating time too. 18:19 Not just a little word, here is my little five things 18:20 I got to pray for, thank you Jesus I am out of here. 18:22 Have a good day, that's neat, 18:24 but what He wants really, 18:25 sometimes He wants that quality in connecting with us. 18:29 That's good for both of us. 18:31 What if there is a couple, 18:32 because I hate to even be this vulnerable-- 18:35 Let's suppose you had a friend. Let's suppose you had a friend. 18:36 Let's suppose that we have a friend 18:38 that both of them seem comfortable 18:39 not that may be they travel all over the world 18:41 and they are going, going, going so to just be home 18:44 and you know it's kind of like, 18:47 yes, you could have a date at home. 18:48 But let's suppose that-- A date is not a home. 18:52 All right, so you are saying that the couple is in a rut 18:55 if they are not making quality time for one another. 18:59 In my feeling it will be called sin. Wow. 19:01 Yeah, but I am a little hard on that, 19:04 because I mean some people don't date, 19:06 some people don't tithe, 19:07 I meet some people who are not tithing, 19:08 you know, they are in the rut. 19:10 I call not tithing sin. 19:11 So that I can't find a scripture for that, 19:14 so where is my scripture for not dating? 19:15 You show me a scripture where it's okay 19:16 to avoid the love of your life? 19:21 There is not a scripture 19:22 to avoid the love of your life. All right. 19:24 If a woman is wanting to have children with you, 19:26 clean, laundry, serve along side of you, 19:29 she is worthy of a date. 19:32 For a man it's really work, 19:33 you know, if he is working hard all day, 19:35 he is working around the house 19:36 and he is trying to care the kids with you doing homework 19:38 and he is worthy of a day 19:40 and honestly even if they weren't doing all those things, 19:42 if Jesus Christ paid for them with His life, 19:45 they are worthy everyday. 19:47 You know what I am saying? So if we have-- 19:50 This isn't legalism, this is opportunity. Right. 19:52 You know, what I'm saying, this isn't like, oh no, 19:54 another things check off my list, 19:55 I have to do, you get to take your spouse, 19:57 you get to date God, 19:59 you get to do these things in a free country. 20:01 Do you know how many people would love 20:02 to have the opportunity to get to date? 20:04 Do you know how many people, 20:05 you know, you're sitting and talking 20:07 to somebody that I'm realizing, 20:09 may be I've forgotten to have to go out 20:10 and have fun, because you can get 20:13 so seriously minded as a Christian 20:15 and everything has such serious consequences. 20:18 We worship the God who loves. That's true. 20:21 We worship the God who is friend. 20:22 You just have to notify anywhere and seek inspiration. 20:25 We worship a God who seems over us with rejoice. 20:26 Rejoice is over us we think so. Yes. 20:28 He is not our problem. 20:30 And if we look like him, we are having fun in life. 20:33 If you're so like, you know, serious and everything like, 20:36 it doesn't exactly look like Jesus, 20:38 that looks like someone took Jesus out of you, 20:40 okay, instead of putting him in you. 20:42 When He is in you, 20:43 the celebration is part of the life. 20:44 So let's get back to the couple 20:46 who said they hadn't had a date for 17 years 20:48 and you say there is no use of me 20:50 even talking to you. Absolutely not. 20:51 Both have a date and come back. 20:52 What happened, what happens when a couple restores 20:56 that to their relationship? 20:57 They like each other more, 20:58 they have more energy to be better parents, 21:00 they have more energy to be better friends, 21:01 they're feeling in big way, they really-- 21:03 that lets the window down 21:04 so they can really kind of just chat 21:06 and share their heart and share their dreams, laugh. 21:10 Okay, you need a place to enjoy one another. 21:12 I enjoy Lisa and if we don't-- 21:15 whatever reason it gets kind of out of sink, 21:18 I can feel it in my marriage within two weeks. 21:21 You know Lisa when we had our second child, 21:23 she says Doug, I know dating is really important 21:24 but we cannot do that for just a little while, 21:26 while we just had the second child. 21:28 I said well, I'll honor that, that's fine. 21:30 Within a few, probably within six weeks 21:32 we started feeling it, we started getting more nippy 21:34 towards each other and kind off burned out. 21:37 I'm like, you know, what's happening, 21:38 we are not dating. 21:39 There is no escape valve here. 21:43 So we put it back again and then smooth right back out. 21:46 And you know, I am sitting, I know I studied a lot that, 21:50 the men when they look at the reasons 21:54 why women get married or why men get married. 21:56 A lot of woman get married, 21:58 it surprise me the number one reason was financial security, 22:01 that kind of surprised me. That surprised me. 22:02 And love, men-- In that order, right. 22:06 Yeah, they're anticipating love, it did surprise me. 22:10 Most recent survey show that why men get married is sex 22:14 and to have some one a playmate. 22:17 And so-- And after 50 it's even worse. 22:20 So what they are looking for and when we say playmate, 22:22 they are looking for someone 22:23 that would go and do things with them-- 22:26 Go play tennis. Go play tennis, go play golf. 22:28 They want a playmate. 22:29 You see what happens is-- 22:31 I have seen in my counseling experience in almost 20 years. 22:33 When the kids leave, we're caught been like crisis, 22:36 I think what happens is there is another thing that goes on. 22:38 The wife has become so serious being a mom 22:41 that she has forgotten how to play. 22:43 He has worked so hard and now he can actually have some time 22:46 to play golf or do things or go after some hobbies, 22:49 because that extra $2000 a months 22:51 isn't going towards his children. 22:53 Now he can have it and he wants to do something, 22:55 he wants to play and now he has got a woman who won't play. 22:58 I think what happens is his desire to play 23:01 sometimes stretches him into trouble. 23:04 He will go looking for someone else who would play. 23:07 You see, woman had to understand 23:08 this is a important thing about men, 23:10 they need to play their whole life. 23:12 Men like to work, but the men who work hard, play hard. 23:15 And if you don't want to play, 23:17 he is gonna be tempted to look first for playmate. 23:21 That doesn't make it her responsibility 23:23 but you need to understand, you married a man, 23:25 and a man likes to play. 23:27 What are men made out of dirt? 23:31 They like to play with dirt. 23:33 You get boys together and they come out, 23:35 they're all dirty it's a home coming, 23:37 you know, dirt to dirt man, that's great. 23:39 Okay, man love to play, that's not going to change, 23:42 so you can either join the game 23:43 just like you want him to understand your feelings, 23:46 he wants you to come play. 23:49 This is good and I know this is your counsel. 23:51 If you want him to understand your heart, 23:52 you need to go and play with him. 23:54 So when couples you know, 23:56 the scripture that keeps coming to my mind right now 23:58 is a merry heart doeth good like a medicine. 24:01 And you are right that there is a lot of women 24:04 in particular that become-- 24:08 Not fun. 24:09 Not fun not as playful, so men needs to see that-- 24:13 woman forget 24:14 especially when they got all of these responsibilities, 24:17 they forget how to be playful. 24:18 It's matter of fact you'll be proud of me. 24:20 Last night was - my husband and I had an experience 24:23 that it was just the two of us and we did play and it was kind, 24:26 I remember he looked at me and he said you are the best. 24:29 And it was interesting 24:30 because he doesn't always get to see a playful side of me 24:33 and I did recognize last night 24:36 that I don't always show him that side. 24:38 So you are saying this-- 24:40 You play him once a week, you can do that, 24:41 you can have date. 24:42 He can see a side of you, you can see a side of him 24:44 and you fall in love and you stay in love, 24:45 when you and you, you know, 24:47 when you are, when you are-- 24:48 when I was broke, let me put that way 24:50 when I was broke and dead my wife, 24:52 fun was what we have. 24:54 Now that I've got all these resources I should say no, 24:58 I can't have fun with you. 25:00 That seems backwards to me. What is backwards? 25:02 You know if I was broken, I could figure out 25:04 how to have a good time with you, 25:05 certainly with all these resources 25:06 I can have a little fun with you. 25:07 All right, Doug, we got two minutes, 25:09 how do you get people back into the practice of dating? 25:12 Well, it's kind of funny, Shelly, 25:14 because most of the time people are coming to my office 25:16 and they are paying me. Yes. 25:18 Okay, so they are saying we need help 25:20 and we'll do what you say, okay. 25:22 Now you who are watching, you don't have to pay me okay, 25:26 but I am encouraging you to start dating, 25:28 because if you date each other, 25:30 that's one of the building blocks for good marriage. 25:32 If you're not dating, that structure 25:33 will eventually erode some of the even good things 25:36 in your marriage. 25:37 Okay, dating is necessary principle, 25:39 having that Sabbath where it's just you 25:41 and your spouse is important. 25:43 You know what I am saying. 25:45 Yes, I mean I hear what you are saying 25:46 and there is some part of me-- It's resonating, isn't it? 25:49 It's resonating but there is also like 25:51 oh, it feels like this is going to be 25:53 pulling teeth to get back and do the practice. 25:54 Oh, no, no, no, you just start doing, he get fun. 25:57 See desire follows discipline. 25:59 Okay, if you want to-- Repeat that because that-- 26:01 Desire follows discipline. 26:03 I love that. Okay. 26:04 Western culture wants desire 26:05 before they get to discipline, okay. 26:07 We want to like to work out before we do. 26:09 No, if you want to really be in shape, 26:11 you got to go through a drudge of six day weeks 26:13 of not liking it and then desire will hit you like a rocket 26:16 and you want to do it. 26:17 Same with dating, you start dating and you start doing it. 26:19 And in about two month you are going to 26:21 really want to do it. That's good. 26:22 Okay, desire follows discipline. That's good. 26:24 Okay, just like worship, if you want to worship the Lord, 26:27 just start worshipping him 26:28 and do that 5, 10, 15 minutes a day 26:30 and in no time you are going to desire to worship him. 26:33 Amen, amen. 26:35 So it's all about restoring intimacy into our relationship 26:40 and part of intimacy is having fun. 26:42 Well, yeah and you know honestly 26:44 that's how most of our marriage started. 26:46 I mean how many you got married saying, 26:47 listen I'm so bored with my spouse, 26:49 I could barely stand him. 26:51 I just couldn't get there you know. 26:53 I decided to marry him 26:54 because I felt sorry for the poor Joe, okay. 26:56 Listen, no, you married him 26:58 because you thought may be he was fun, 26:59 he thought you were fun. 27:00 And you thought you would get a fun 27:01 the most of your life together? 27:03 So you thought of getting married would be good idea. 27:05 And friends not a bad word, 27:06 we just get to, we do get so serious in mind sometimes. 27:09 You get that fun as a Christian, Amen. 27:12 Okay and you get that fun for all eternity 27:14 so you might as well practice, 27:15 because if you don't like fun down here, 27:17 heaven is going to be hell for you. 27:19 Because heaven is going to be a wonderful place. 27:22 Dr. Douglas Weiss, thank you so much returning 27:25 and we want you to come back 27:27 'cause I know you got lot more to say. 27:28 Okay great. Thanks for being here. 27:30 For those of you at home, 27:32 you pray for me and I will pray for you, 27:34 we need to start dating our spouses again 27:36 and we need to make our marriage 27:38 be a model of what God has for us. 27:41 You know, God likes to have fun with us 27:43 and He has given us all of this creation to enjoy. 27:47 So go out and enjoy with your spouse today. 27:50 Thank you so much for joining us. |
Revised 2014-12-17