Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn.
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And welcome again
to Issues and Answers.
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Today we've had a
really interesting topic
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and it's one I want you men
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to stay tuned in
as well as the women.
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If you are
married you need to know
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how to develop a greater
intimacy in relationship.
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And one of those
ways is through dating.
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And don't turn
the channel, guys,
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because you are
going to find out
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there's a very
Biblical principle here
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and there is a lot of benefit
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in learning to
appreciate your wife,
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your spouse on an ongoing basis
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and not taking
each other for granted.
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Listen what Paul
wrote to the Romans.
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And we're going to
apply it to this topic.
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This is Romans 14:19,
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he said, "Let us
then definitely aim for
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and eagerly pursue
what makes for harmony
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and for mutual upbuilding
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or edification and
development of one another."
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If you want a good marriage,
it's really pretty simple
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and here to tell us about
it today is Dr. Douglas Weiss.
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Doug, thank you so
much for coming back.
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Now you are the
author of 20 books,
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one in particular
that we are taking
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today's topic from is "Intimacy.
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A 100-Day Guide to
Lasting Relationships."
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Yes, and we're
talking about dating.
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And dating is something that
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a lot of people lose sight
of pretty quickly in marriage.
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You know, when
you're courting your wife,
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you're courting your husband,
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you spend all
those time together,
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you connect, you
look under the stars,
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you hangout, at
hours and hours a week.
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And then you get married
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and all of a sudden
you're too busy for each other.
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Thing starts sliding away.
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If you have kids
it even gets worst,
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then you have a dog
and it get worsening,
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you now, all of a
sudden career starts going.
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And all the sudden
dating thing starts fading off.
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Oh yeah, we've dated in 19,
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you know, I remember one client
I had in my office and I said
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what was last
time you guys dated?
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And she looked at
him and he looked at her
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which is always a bad sign
when you're counseling somebody.
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And I said how old is
you daughter? 17 years.
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No we haven't dated in 17 years.
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I said okay, we stop our session
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right now, it's
going to be half hour,
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take the extra
money from the session
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and you go on a date,
don't come back to my office
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until you date
because I can't help you.
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Yeah, so you are
answering a question here
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that I wanted to ask
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'cause what makes you
qualify to talk about this.
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Now first of all
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you are a Christian
counselor? Yes, I am.
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Your business is Heart
to Heart Counseling Center.
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I've been counseling
people for over 20 years, yes.
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20 years.
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You also had your doctorate in--
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Psychology, masters in
marriage and family counseling,
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MD and all that stuff, yes.
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All right, but you also
from personal experience,
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this isn't just something that
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you developed
only from Scripture
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although it is
all Biblical based.
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From personal
experience did you know
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from the beginning
to keep dating your wife
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or was it something that
you had to learn to do yourself?
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Well, for me it's why I
dated my wife. All right.
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I mean, that's
why I married my wife,
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I married my wife to
have a permanent date. Okay.
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You know what I'm
saying. But did you?
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Yes, I think we
dated almost every week,
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unless I'm out of the
country or out of town.
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We dated almost every week
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and we've done that
for most of our marriage.
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I mean, our kids
expect us to go out.
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They expect that we
love each other enough
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that we want to
have time together.
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See God wants to be dating,
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He'd like to have little
quality time with you too.
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Amen, that's why we believe
you pray at the Sabbath--
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Yes, so he is praying
us, so HE can date us.
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So he can hangout be with
us, play with us, have fun.
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So give us your
definition of a date,
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I think you just said that?
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Okay, now let's first,
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let's start with
what the date is not.
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Most couples get that
side wrong first, okay.
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A date is not any of
the following things, okay.
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It is not running errands. Okay.
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It's not hanging at Walmart
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you can take it for a
check in, it is not that.
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You can take your kids
along for that ride, okay.
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It is not therapy, you don't
discuss problems on a date.
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The worst thing you can
do is hire babysitter go out,
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you know, drop 50 bucks
talk to your spouse right.
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And all you are doing is
complaining at each other.
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A date is a
complain free zone. Okay.
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Okay, I think you're
getting excited, right?
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Yeah, I'm really excited.
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All right, and number
three, it is not shopping.
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And all the men
say, thank you Jesus.
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Okay, a date is not
three hours at the mall
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not buying something, okay.
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Now if both people
agree they want to go shopping
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maybe for
Christmas or big ticket item
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okay, you can use
date occasionally for that.
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But it's unless
both people would agree.
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So he can't take her to
home depot for three hours
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and she can't
take him to the mall
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for three hours and
call that fun. Okay. Okay.
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So with those guidelines
and a date is the finest
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three or four
hours of fun, okay.
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Three or fours hours of fun.
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A lot of couples
don't have that fun anymore
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because they've become
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so process oriented in
getting the everyday things
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I mean, like you said, 17 years
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these people haven't dated.
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How does someone
get back into that?
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You start,
before on the calendar
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you say okay,
Thursday and it's our date
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or every other Thursday night.
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Once or twice and once a week
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or once every other week is--
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about twice a month is minimum.
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You're saying, oh, Dr.
Doug, you don't understand,
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you know, I'm broke we don't
have any money and nothing.
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Listen, you find
someone who is as poor as you
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or more poor than
you and you swap kids.
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I'll take yours one
week, you take mine one week
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and we still get to be--
we'll start our date night.
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And both of our
marriages will be healthier.
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See if all you do is parent,
our work, you will burn out.
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When I walk down
the isle before God,
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before the congregation
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I did not say you
are so worthless to me,
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I will never spent
quality time with you,
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I will avoid you,
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I'll burden you
with children and bills,
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but I will not connect to you,
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I will not spend
quality time with you before God
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and all these congregation.
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Now then maybe
what you actually do,
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but that is not what
you promised before God.
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Somehow--
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Does that make
sense? Yeah, it does.
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But I'm sitting here and
I'm getting the impression
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that there is some woman
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some precious
saint that's watching
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and she is
elbowing her husband saying
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are you listening to this.
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And the man is
sitting there going,
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oh, this sounds like work.
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But the Bible the
scripture that we opened up with
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when it was talking about
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eagerly pursue things
that edify one another. Sure.
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The word
edification in the Greek is
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if you're going to look
at a literal translation
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in today's language,
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it's to charge up, to build up,
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like you're charging
a battery. Absolutely.
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So what you're saying is that
for a good marital relationship,
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whether you have
children or don't have children.
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There is some childless couples
that they work all the time,
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they don't know how to have fun.
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You're saying this
isn't necessarily going out
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with the group from church
or the group from the office--
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No, no, it's just you and me.
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To you and your spouse going out
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and sharing
quality time together.
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And some people, I
know there is got to be men
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and even women
sitting here thinking,
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what would we even talk
about after all these years.
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If we can't talk about
our problems and processing,
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how do we have
fun with one another?
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Yeah, they need
to get the other show
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we did in and we get that
and plug it in and watch you
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and I talk about that.
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Dating is
recharging, okay. Yes, amen.
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If we serve a God who
is a God of a Sabbath.
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Yes, amen.
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And that's our hope, it
will recharge in your marriages.
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And if your marriage
doesn't reflect a Sabbath,
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it's probably not
reflecting God. That's true.
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Your relationship
wasn't to just work,
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it was to rest and have fun.
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You have to be playmates
not roommates. That's good.
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You know what I'm saying.
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And so that kind of
break you take in your marriage
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is should be as
held religiously.
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It is in my house, okay.
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Our date night is it's
just like going to church,
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you know, it is
going to happen sick,
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dead or whatever,
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we say because we have a
principle based relationships.
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How legal are those principles.
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And one of the principles of
the healthy marriage is dating.
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When a couple
comes into my office,
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I'll ask them six
to seven questions
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to find out how what
their structures are.
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Dating is the first structure,
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because I know if that
structure is out of place,
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this couple is not having fun.
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If they don't have any fun,
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they're not going
to like each other,
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they don't like each
other, have to treat each other
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with respect. You
see what I'm saying.
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Do you get much
resistance from men?
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I think to me I don't know why--
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Yeah, actually
guys like they're fun.
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And I'm going to get
you why in a few minutes
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because they get to be in charge
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of some of this down the road,
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so we'll get into
that in a few minutes.
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But, you know, without dating
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you're setting
your spouse up to be
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a less than parent
than they could be.
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You're setting your
spouse up to be less fun,
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more deprived, more
angry, more frustrate.
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Why would you want to
set your spouse up for that.
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If all I do is
this all the time,
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I mean, for me I
personally get angry
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if our date doesn't workout,
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because I work
so I can date. Okay.
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You know what I'm
saying? I do, I mean--
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I have a car, so I went on this,
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this is my date
night, I want to--
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You are preaching to somebody
that needs to hear this.
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I want to date, you know, I
married my wife to date her.
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And if something is
between me and my wife
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there is going to
be a price to pay,
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you know, what I'm saying.
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You know, if I'm
internationally traveling
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or we got some other
thing that we're going,
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we understand that
we'll switch our date
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to another night usually, okay.
00:09:27.90\00:09:30.72
Now suppose that
my week is jammed up.
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Now Shelley, you know,
how they're just. Absolutely.
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Things add up, people
call things happen or leases,
00:09:34.77\00:09:37.62
the kids got this or that
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or somebody wants me
to sleepover or whatever
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what can happen is
we can look at a week
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and all of a sudden it's
like, well, what's going on.
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So what we'll do is instead of,
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you know, saying,
oh, well, we can't date,
00:09:46.92\00:09:48.82
we'll say oh, we can date
on Monday instead of Friday.
00:09:48.85\00:09:53.34
See this dating is a
principle of marriage.
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We are committed to date.
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Let me tell you
a very funny story
00:09:57.86\00:09:59.86
and this happened,
Hadassah is now 14 my daughter.
00:09:59.89\00:10:02.33
So this happened
before she was born,
00:10:02.36\00:10:03.58
so it's over 15 years ago.
00:10:03.61\00:10:05.39
And my wife rather is a saint,
00:10:05.42\00:10:07.58
she is very, she sins so
little, it's disgusting, okay.
00:10:07.61\00:10:11.41
So I'm not saying anything
bad about her but this one time
00:10:11.44\00:10:15.11
we, she was really
mad at me for something
00:10:15.14\00:10:18.29
and honestly
Shelley, one of the blessing
00:10:18.32\00:10:19.82
of being a man is
you don't remember,
00:10:19.85\00:10:22.21
you don't remember
what you did wrong,
00:10:22.24\00:10:23.38
so it's great I
don't remember I did wrong.
00:10:23.41\00:10:24.90
But I remember she is
really mad at me, okay.
00:10:24.93\00:10:27.12
And so it was our date night
00:10:27.15\00:10:29.30
and she says I'm not dating you,
00:10:29.33\00:10:31.96
I'm not going on date with you.
00:10:31.99\00:10:33.35
I said now Lisa, I said listen,
00:10:33.38\00:10:35.00
I go first of all
00:10:35.03\00:10:36.35
our relationship is
not emotionally based,
00:10:36.38\00:10:37.98
it's principle based, okay.
00:10:38.01\00:10:39.78
Now you right now
00:10:39.81\00:10:41.45
are trying to change
it to emotionally based,
00:10:41.48\00:10:44.04
so that I have to
earn a date with you,
00:10:44.07\00:10:45.83
I have to be good
enough for date with you,
00:10:45.86\00:10:47.45
or something like that.
00:10:47.48\00:10:49.09
So I'm going to
offer you one more time
00:10:49.12\00:10:51.90
to go on this date with me,
00:10:51.93\00:10:53.27
but I'm going on a
date. With you or without you.
00:10:53.30\00:10:56.31
So she says, I'm not
going on a date with you,
00:10:56.34\00:11:00.48
I'm mad at you. I
go, okay, that's fine.
00:11:00.51\00:11:04.10
So I went on my date, I
went to four star restaurant
00:11:04.13\00:11:06.06
'cause she was there telling
me what to eat, all right
00:11:06.09\00:11:08.11
and so I went to nice restaurant
00:11:08.14\00:11:09.82
and I went out to a
movie, I had a blast,
00:11:09.85\00:11:11.39
I came back about 10 o'clock
00:11:11.42\00:11:12.45
I was happy as I look
00:11:12.48\00:11:14.01
and she has never done it sense
00:11:14.04\00:11:16.51
because she knows I'm
committed to a principle
00:11:16.54\00:11:19.80
and it is not emotionally based,
00:11:19.83\00:11:21.35
it's just like prayer,
prayers is not something you do
00:11:21.38\00:11:22.95
because you feel like
praying, He is worthy of praise,
00:11:22.98\00:11:25.01
and he is worthy
of prayer everyday
00:11:25.04\00:11:26.48
whether you feel like it or not.
00:11:26.51\00:11:28.36
So I'm saying God
deserves his day too.
00:11:28.39\00:11:30.77
What you're
saying, when you're saying,
00:11:30.80\00:11:32.05
it's not emotionally based,
but it's principally based--
00:11:32.08\00:11:35.18
principally based.
Principally based, right.
00:11:35.21\00:11:37.19
Easy for me to say. I
question you it is principle.
00:11:37.22\00:11:39.14
You probably did that today.
00:11:39.17\00:11:40.34
So no matter
like washing my face,
00:11:40.37\00:11:42.56
I don't care how late it is
00:11:42.59\00:11:44.20
when I come in, I'm
going to wash my face--
00:11:44.23\00:11:46.06
That's a principle, right.
00:11:46.09\00:11:47.79
You know, I've just learned
if you want to have nice skin,
00:11:47.82\00:11:49.71
you don't go to bed
with junk on your face.
00:11:49.74\00:11:51.25
Or if you want to
have a nice marriage,
00:11:51.28\00:11:52.39
you date your spouse.
00:11:52.42\00:11:53.45
All right, will
you keep saying that
00:11:53.48\00:11:56.01
this is if you are not
that you are, it's like a sin
00:11:56.04\00:11:58.89
the principle, what you
based in that principle.
00:11:58.92\00:12:01.06
I can't imagine
not dating my wife. So-
00:12:01.09\00:12:03.57
I can imagine how God
feels if I don't date my wife.
00:12:03.60\00:12:06.01
He gave me this
incredible woman,
00:12:06.04\00:12:08.53
I'm supposed to celebrate her,
00:12:08.56\00:12:09.59
because I'm supposed to
have His voice towards her,
00:12:09.62\00:12:11.95
His voice is
celebration towards her.
00:12:11.98\00:12:14.09
If I don't have His voice
as celebration towards her
00:12:14.12\00:12:17.05
I think He is upset at me. Okay.
00:12:17.08\00:12:21.39
Because I'm not
being responsible
00:12:21.42\00:12:22.54
with who He
gave me to celebrate.
00:12:22.57\00:12:24.70
So the principle is we
can't say we're too broke,
00:12:24.73\00:12:27.62
we can't say we're too busy--
00:12:27.65\00:12:28.68
Well, that's the top excuses,
that's an excuse or sin.
00:12:28.71\00:12:31.77
There is a principle
00:12:31.80\00:12:33.52
and the
principle is we are dating.
00:12:33.55\00:12:35.03
Let's say that we just
decided to do this twice a month
00:12:35.06\00:12:37.76
and we got certain date nights,
00:12:37.79\00:12:39.51
so when it comes
to that date night,
00:12:39.54\00:12:41.61
it's like put
aside the emotion--
00:12:41.64\00:12:44.41
this is it's like your
Sabbath rest with your spouse.
00:12:44.44\00:12:48.46
You are going to reconnect,
recharge your battery.
00:12:48.49\00:12:51.52
Who sets these things up, I--
00:12:51.55\00:12:53.26
Both of you. All right.
00:12:53.29\00:12:54.77
Let's talk about
like who is responsible
00:12:54.80\00:12:56.19
for dating, okay. Okay.
00:12:56.22\00:12:58.19
Well, you both are.
00:12:58.22\00:12:59.31
And I'll tell you what, Shelley,
00:12:59.34\00:13:00.74
I have a couples who like,
00:13:00.77\00:13:02.28
well, we're just not
good at like keeping it going.
00:13:02.31\00:13:04.46
Okay, let's
deal with that first.
00:13:04.49\00:13:05.54
Then we'll say
who sets it up, okay.
00:13:05.57\00:13:07.32
So if you are not good at
keeping it going in your life
00:13:07.35\00:13:09.52
10 years ago we used
to do that, 15 years ago,
00:13:09.55\00:13:11.73
I remember when we
were 20 honey, okay.
00:13:11.76\00:13:14.16
If that's you, and you're
emotionally based what you do.
00:13:14.19\00:13:16.09
You say, okay, listen,
00:13:16.12\00:13:17.43
we're going to
set up a date night.
00:13:17.46\00:13:18.58
Now if we don't go on a date,
00:13:18.61\00:13:19.91
we're going to
take the same money
00:13:19.94\00:13:21.13
whether it's 20,
40, 60, 100 dollars
00:13:21.16\00:13:22.83
whatever it is
depending on your wealth, okay.
00:13:22.86\00:13:25.44
We're going to
take that same money
00:13:25.47\00:13:26.50
we either going to burn it
00:13:26.53\00:13:27.56
or we're going to sent
to a public organization
00:13:27.59\00:13:29.05
we don't fall for.
00:13:29.08\00:13:32.27
That's radical. Seem same.
00:13:32.30\00:13:34.03
So now I have a consequence
for not celebrating you.
00:13:34.06\00:13:37.70
So I most likely
get to celebrate you.
00:13:37.73\00:13:40.74
You see what I'm saying.
Yeah, I'm a radical counselor.
00:13:40.77\00:13:42.85
We get it done, okay.
00:13:42.88\00:13:44.85
Now if you want
to be conservative,
00:13:44.88\00:13:46.71
conservative values
is dating your spouse
00:13:46.74\00:13:50.10
and celebrating your
spouse, that's a family value.
00:13:50.13\00:13:54.25
So you are talking
to someone that frankly
00:13:54.28\00:13:56.70
we get very busy in
ministry we haven't--
00:13:56.73\00:13:59.34
Ministry is not
supposed to get you away
00:13:59.37\00:14:01.17
from loving each
other, connecting each other.
00:14:01.20\00:14:02.86
You see I've even thought
about us not dating is being--
00:14:02.89\00:14:05.28
The ministry is
dating each other.
00:14:05.31\00:14:07.57
What you do during the
day is what God has you do
00:14:07.60\00:14:09.50
but He has never
called you to labor
00:14:09.53\00:14:10.67
so hard to cancel a
date with your spouse,
00:14:10.70\00:14:12.72
that's not His
yoke, His yoke is easy
00:14:12.75\00:14:15.37
and it doesn't lose
the priority of people.
00:14:15.40\00:14:18.62
Okay, you are not
the only one in ministry
00:14:18.65\00:14:20.38
who has some times gone
over the board with this way,
00:14:20.41\00:14:23.31
over the board that way.
00:14:23.34\00:14:24.37
That was probably for like
millions of people in ministry.
00:14:24.40\00:14:27.25
I was at a church
recently I won't tell you where,
00:14:27.28\00:14:29.34
but the pastor
pulls me in his office
00:14:29.37\00:14:30.70
and says listen Doug, he says
well, I'm out of balance, man.
00:14:30.73\00:14:33.23
You know, ever since
my wife is now on staff,
00:14:33.26\00:14:35.07
and now, you know, I'm on staff
00:14:35.10\00:14:37.46
and ever since she
has been on the staff,
00:14:37.49\00:14:38.62
we never see each other in work.
00:14:38.65\00:14:39.89
I go you just have to
repent of that pastor.
00:14:39.92\00:14:42.25
And set a night
that is your night
00:14:42.28\00:14:44.75
and if you want the staff, no.
00:14:44.78\00:14:45.81
So that's' a sin
is what you're saying.
00:14:45.84\00:14:47.08
When you say repent of
it we've got to turn around.
00:14:47.11\00:14:48.73
Well, you can only just repent
of things like that. Okay.
00:14:48.76\00:14:52.53
You know, I'm saying because
you didn't marry to pay bills,
00:14:52.56\00:14:56.28
you didn't marry
to do a mortgage,
00:14:56.31\00:14:58.47
you didn't marry
to fix the house,
00:14:58.50\00:15:00.25
you didn't marry to
just manage children,
00:15:00.28\00:15:02.63
you married to connect.
00:15:02.66\00:15:04.75
And some of this
probably have forgotten.
00:15:06.28\00:15:07.41
I know you are
saying that rightly.
00:15:07.44\00:15:08.63
Oh yeah, I mean to say--
00:15:08.66\00:15:09.88
You see what happens
is, you can lose sight of
00:15:09.91\00:15:12.16
why you're married.
00:15:12.19\00:15:13.93
You are married
to engage the soul,
00:15:13.96\00:15:16.79
that you come in as you like to.
00:15:16.82\00:15:17.95
Okay, now lets talk about
how it's actually is done,
00:15:17.98\00:15:19.59
because we want to make
sure it's fun for everybody.
00:15:19.62\00:15:21.58
Okay, now dating can
be really, really fun
00:15:21.61\00:15:24.72
if you use this
way of doing, okay.
00:15:24.75\00:15:26.94
So if there is a
husband and wife, okay.
00:15:26.97\00:15:29.56
You rotate
responsibility for the date.
00:15:29.59\00:15:32.44
Okay, so that he's blameless,
00:15:32.47\00:15:34.18
okay so one
week in your marriage
00:15:34.21\00:15:36.58
it would be your date, Shelley,
00:15:36.61\00:15:38.26
100 percent you
decide where we go,
00:15:38.29\00:15:41.33
what we do and the
object of the date is for you
00:15:41.36\00:15:45.29
to have a good time. Okay.
00:15:45.32\00:15:47.87
And your husband
is the happy camper.
00:15:47.90\00:15:50.42
He can't whine and
mourn and act like you know
00:15:50.45\00:15:52.41
you know some thing is
wrong in his life, okay.
00:15:52.44\00:15:54.67
He needs to celebrate
that you are having fun, okay.
00:15:54.70\00:15:57.10
You guys have raised
kids or something like that,
00:15:57.13\00:15:58.62
you know this
whole scene of you know,
00:15:58.65\00:16:00.05
sitting for hours
00:16:00.08\00:16:01.36
and all that kind of
stuff is not fun, all right.
00:16:01.39\00:16:03.29
So you just be
happy with the process
00:16:03.32\00:16:05.22
and then finally
get your husband's date.
00:16:05.25\00:16:07.41
So if I want to go
roller-skating then he--
00:16:07.44\00:16:09.48
He goes roller-skating.
He goes for roller-skating.
00:16:09.51\00:16:10.97
And if he wants to play golf,
00:16:11.00\00:16:12.03
you play golf. All right.
00:16:12.06\00:16:13.14
And if he wants to sit on a lake
and you know just east pizza.
00:16:13.17\00:16:16.55
If you want to go to this
little you know coffee boutique
00:16:16.58\00:16:19.18
and just sit around and play,
00:16:19.21\00:16:20.25
you know, some
kind of game you can,
00:16:20.28\00:16:22.25
okay, because it's your date.
00:16:22.28\00:16:24.48
Some of them
dates in coffee shop,
00:16:24.51\00:16:25.75
some of them been really kind
of nicer things and fun thing.
00:16:25.78\00:16:28.04
We have this variety of dates,
you see when it's my date,
00:16:28.07\00:16:31.33
I get to do what I want to do.
00:16:31.36\00:16:33.85
If I want to go to a place
and go swimming with my wife
00:16:33.88\00:16:36.59
and hang off for three
hours and eat a hot dog,
00:16:36.62\00:16:39.09
we're on my date.
00:16:39.12\00:16:41.21
If she wants to do something,
00:16:41.24\00:16:42.47
she wants to go
bike riding we can.
00:16:42.50\00:16:44.22
If she wants to
do the movie thing,
00:16:44.25\00:16:45.65
as long as you know legitimate
to watch it as a Christian,
00:16:45.68\00:16:48.80
fine, you know, so we
rotate back and forth.
00:16:48.83\00:16:52.14
Like this week it
is actually her date,
00:16:52.17\00:16:56.61
so I don't have
to think about it.
00:16:56.64\00:16:58.41
The only role we
have is to check to tell,
00:16:58.44\00:17:00.21
tell the other person
to dress appropriately.
00:17:00.24\00:17:02.51
You're not to
tell me to take it.
00:17:02.54\00:17:04.11
It's to just make sure
you're dressed appropriately.
00:17:04.14\00:17:05.51
You said you sit here right,
its where that I am speechless
00:17:05.54\00:17:08.53
but you really have
totally caught me off guard
00:17:08.56\00:17:11.49
because I am
trying to sit and think
00:17:11.52\00:17:13.44
when is the last
time that we went out,
00:17:13.47\00:17:15.09
I am not saying that we never
go out to dinner or something
00:17:15.12\00:17:18.11
but, it's
usually it's with friends
00:17:18.14\00:17:21.05
and it's, you
know, it's ministry.
00:17:21.08\00:17:24.12
There is we have a
active social life but--
00:17:24.15\00:17:26.75
It's not dating.
00:17:26.78\00:17:27.95
It's not dating and I am
just sitting here and thinking,
00:17:27.98\00:17:29.96
wow, this is a novel
concept to think that
00:17:29.99\00:17:33.29
I should be dating my husband.
00:17:33.32\00:17:35.39
And many couples
forget to date their spouse.
00:17:35.42\00:17:37.47
Listen, dates what got
you in this situation. Right.
00:17:37.50\00:17:42.45
You know, kind of dance
with the one who brought you,
00:17:42.48\00:17:44.12
if dating got you married,
they even keep you married.
00:17:44.15\00:17:47.28
But when you said
that God wants to date us
00:17:47.31\00:17:51.71
He wants to be dated I mean God,
00:17:51.74\00:17:54.40
were you basically--
00:17:54.43\00:17:55.46
We call that devotions,
00:17:55.49\00:17:56.64
You know He
wants our time with us.
00:17:56.67\00:17:58.27
But there are
sometimes when you see
00:17:58.30\00:17:59.33
like when I get to travel like
when I am doing a show like this
00:17:59.36\00:18:02.12
or something like that, I
got to travel out of town,
00:18:02.15\00:18:03.80
and I get to stay in a
hotel or some place like that--
00:18:03.83\00:18:06.50
that is one of my
times when God dates me.
00:18:06.53\00:18:09.35
Like last night,
I was hanging out,
00:18:09.38\00:18:10.51
we were just
praying and talking,
00:18:10.54\00:18:11.58
he is talking to me, I am
taking we have a good time.
00:18:11.61\00:18:13.25
That was a great time, I love
those quality times with Him.
00:18:13.28\00:18:16.33
He loves some of that
prolong dating time too.
00:18:16.36\00:18:19.06
Not just a little word,
here is my little five things
00:18:19.09\00:18:20.67
I got to pray for, thank
you Jesus I am out of here.
00:18:20.70\00:18:22.59
Have a good day, that's neat,
00:18:22.62\00:18:24.50
but what He wants really,
00:18:24.53\00:18:25.68
sometimes He wants that
quality in connecting with us.
00:18:25.71\00:18:29.51
That's good for both of us.
00:18:29.54\00:18:31.29
What if there is a couple,
00:18:31.32\00:18:32.35
because I hate to
even be this vulnerable--
00:18:32.38\00:18:35.72
Let's suppose you had a friend.
Let's suppose you had a friend.
00:18:35.75\00:18:36.78
Let's suppose
that we have a friend
00:18:36.81\00:18:38.19
that both of
them seem comfortable
00:18:38.22\00:18:39.55
not that may be they
travel all over the world
00:18:39.58\00:18:41.90
and they are going,
going, going so to just be home
00:18:41.93\00:18:44.52
and you know it's kind of like,
00:18:44.55\00:18:47.03
yes, you could
have a date at home.
00:18:47.06\00:18:48.84
But let's suppose
that-- A date is not a home.
00:18:48.87\00:18:52.24
All right, so you are saying
that the couple is in a rut
00:18:52.27\00:18:55.63
if they are not making
quality time for one another.
00:18:55.66\00:18:59.81
In my feeling it
will be called sin. Wow.
00:18:59.84\00:19:01.74
Yeah, but I am a
little hard on that,
00:19:01.77\00:19:04.27
because I mean
some people don't date,
00:19:04.30\00:19:06.13
some people don't tithe,
00:19:06.16\00:19:07.19
I meet some people
who are not tithing,
00:19:07.22\00:19:08.70
you know, they are in the rut.
00:19:08.73\00:19:10.11
I call not tithing sin.
00:19:10.14\00:19:11.28
So that I can't find
a scripture for that,
00:19:11.31\00:19:14.00
so where is my
scripture for not dating?
00:19:14.03\00:19:15.55
You show me a
scripture where it's okay
00:19:15.58\00:19:16.61
to avoid the love of your life?
00:19:16.64\00:19:20.03
There is not a scripture
00:19:21.30\00:19:22.33
to avoid the love of
your life. All right.
00:19:22.36\00:19:24.22
If a woman is wanting
to have children with you,
00:19:24.25\00:19:26.11
clean, laundry,
serve along side of you,
00:19:26.14\00:19:29.54
she is worthy of a date.
00:19:29.57\00:19:32.10
For a man it's really work,
00:19:32.13\00:19:33.41
you know, if he is
working hard all day,
00:19:33.44\00:19:35.53
he is working around the house
00:19:35.56\00:19:36.59
and he is trying to care
the kids with you doing homework
00:19:36.62\00:19:38.76
and he is worthy of a day
00:19:38.79\00:19:40.69
and honestly even if they
weren't doing all those things,
00:19:40.72\00:19:42.65
if Jesus Christ paid
for them with His life,
00:19:42.68\00:19:45.80
they are worthy everyday.
00:19:45.83\00:19:47.83
You know what I am
saying? So if we have--
00:19:47.86\00:19:50.13
This isn't legalism,
this is opportunity. Right.
00:19:50.16\00:19:52.77
You know, what I'm
saying, this isn't like, oh no,
00:19:52.80\00:19:53.98
another things
check off my list,
00:19:54.01\00:19:55.04
I have to do, you
get to take your spouse,
00:19:55.07\00:19:57.59
you get to date God,
00:19:57.62\00:19:59.12
you get to do these
things in a free country.
00:19:59.15\00:20:01.22
Do you know how
many people would love
00:20:01.25\00:20:02.28
to have the
opportunity to get to date?
00:20:02.31\00:20:04.47
Do you know how many people,
00:20:04.50\00:20:05.55
you know, you're
sitting and talking
00:20:05.58\00:20:06.98
to somebody that I'm realizing,
00:20:07.01\00:20:09.01
may be I've
forgotten to have to go out
00:20:09.04\00:20:10.85
and have fun,
because you can get
00:20:10.88\00:20:13.44
so seriously
minded as a Christian
00:20:13.47\00:20:15.75
and everything has
such serious consequences.
00:20:15.78\00:20:18.58
We worship the God
who loves. That's true.
00:20:18.61\00:20:21.22
We worship the
God who is friend.
00:20:21.25\00:20:22.47
You just have to notify
anywhere and seek inspiration.
00:20:22.50\00:20:25.51
We worship a God who
seems over us with rejoice.
00:20:25.54\00:20:26.57
Rejoice is over
us we think so. Yes.
00:20:26.60\00:20:28.42
He is not our problem.
00:20:28.45\00:20:30.65
And if we look like him,
we are having fun in life.
00:20:30.68\00:20:33.45
If you're so like, you know,
serious and everything like,
00:20:33.48\00:20:36.70
it doesn't
exactly look like Jesus,
00:20:36.73\00:20:38.31
that looks like
someone took Jesus out of you,
00:20:38.34\00:20:40.60
okay, instead of
putting him in you.
00:20:40.63\00:20:42.11
When He is in you,
00:20:42.14\00:20:43.29
the celebration
is part of the life.
00:20:43.32\00:20:44.76
So let's get back to the couple
00:20:44.79\00:20:46.26
who said they hadn't
had a date for 17 years
00:20:46.29\00:20:48.51
and you say
there is no use of me
00:20:48.54\00:20:49.99
even talking to
you. Absolutely not.
00:20:50.02\00:20:51.21
Both have a date and come back.
00:20:51.24\00:20:52.49
What happened, what
happens when a couple restores
00:20:52.52\00:20:56.61
that to their relationship?
00:20:56.64\00:20:57.67
They like each other more,
00:20:57.70\00:20:58.73
they have more
energy to be better parents,
00:20:58.76\00:20:59.97
they have more
energy to be better friends,
00:21:00.00\00:21:01.83
they're feeling in
big way, they really--
00:21:01.86\00:21:03.26
that lets the window down
00:21:03.29\00:21:04.87
so they can
really kind of just chat
00:21:04.90\00:21:06.37
and share their heart and
share their dreams, laugh.
00:21:06.40\00:21:10.26
Okay, you need a
place to enjoy one another.
00:21:10.29\00:21:12.76
I enjoy Lisa and if we don't--
00:21:12.79\00:21:15.83
whatever reason it
gets kind of out of sink,
00:21:15.86\00:21:18.14
I can feel it in my
marriage within two weeks.
00:21:18.17\00:21:21.57
You know Lisa when
we had our second child,
00:21:21.60\00:21:23.47
she says Doug, I know
dating is really important
00:21:23.50\00:21:24.92
but we cannot do that
for just a little while,
00:21:24.95\00:21:26.49
while we just
had the second child.
00:21:26.52\00:21:28.39
I said well, I'll
honor that, that's fine.
00:21:28.42\00:21:30.28
Within a few,
probably within six weeks
00:21:30.31\00:21:32.25
we started feeling it, we
started getting more nippy
00:21:32.28\00:21:34.74
towards each other
and kind off burned out.
00:21:34.77\00:21:37.00
I'm like, you
know, what's happening,
00:21:37.03\00:21:38.06
we are not dating.
00:21:38.09\00:21:39.37
There is no escape valve here.
00:21:39.40\00:21:43.67
So we put it back again
and then smooth right back out.
00:21:43.70\00:21:46.44
And you know, I am sitting,
I know I studied a lot that,
00:21:46.47\00:21:50.53
the men when they
look at the reasons
00:21:50.56\00:21:54.32
why women get married
or why men get married.
00:21:54.35\00:21:56.83
A lot of woman get married,
00:21:56.86\00:21:58.07
it surprise me the number one
reason was financial security,
00:21:58.10\00:22:00.98
that kind of
surprised me. That surprised me.
00:22:01.01\00:22:02.82
And love, men--
In that order, right.
00:22:02.85\00:22:06.17
Yeah, they're anticipating
love, it did surprise me.
00:22:06.20\00:22:10.01
Most recent survey show
that why men get married is sex
00:22:10.04\00:22:14.64
and to have some one a playmate.
00:22:14.67\00:22:17.53
And so-- And after
50 it's even worse.
00:22:17.56\00:22:20.47
So what they are looking
for and when we say playmate,
00:22:20.50\00:22:22.60
they are looking for someone
00:22:22.63\00:22:23.87
that would go and
do things with them--
00:22:23.90\00:22:26.07
Go play tennis. Go
play tennis, go play golf.
00:22:26.10\00:22:28.33
They want a playmate.
00:22:28.36\00:22:29.61
You see what happens is--
00:22:29.64\00:22:31.15
I have seen in my counseling
experience in almost 20 years.
00:22:31.18\00:22:33.82
When the kids leave,
we're caught been like crisis,
00:22:33.85\00:22:36.40
I think what happens is there
is another thing that goes on.
00:22:36.43\00:22:38.82
The wife has become
so serious being a mom
00:22:38.85\00:22:41.47
that she has
forgotten how to play.
00:22:41.50\00:22:43.78
He has worked so hard and now
he can actually have some time
00:22:43.81\00:22:46.56
to play golf or do
things or go after some hobbies,
00:22:46.59\00:22:49.69
because that
extra $2000 a months
00:22:49.72\00:22:51.55
isn't going
towards his children.
00:22:51.58\00:22:53.32
Now he can have it and
he wants to do something,
00:22:53.35\00:22:55.42
he wants to play and now he
has got a woman who won't play.
00:22:55.45\00:22:58.58
I think what happens
is his desire to play
00:22:58.61\00:23:01.15
sometimes
stretches him into trouble.
00:23:01.18\00:23:04.09
He will go looking for
someone else who would play.
00:23:04.12\00:23:07.04
You see, woman had to understand
00:23:07.07\00:23:08.54
this is a
important thing about men,
00:23:08.57\00:23:10.06
they need to
play their whole life.
00:23:10.09\00:23:12.01
Men like to work, but the
men who work hard, play hard.
00:23:12.04\00:23:15.93
And if you don't want to play,
00:23:15.96\00:23:17.93
he is gonna be tempted
to look first for playmate.
00:23:17.96\00:23:21.64
That doesn't make
it her responsibility
00:23:21.67\00:23:23.74
but you need to
understand, you married a man,
00:23:23.77\00:23:25.71
and a man likes to play.
00:23:25.74\00:23:27.25
What are men made out of dirt?
00:23:27.28\00:23:31.03
They like to play with dirt.
00:23:31.06\00:23:33.02
You get boys
together and they come out,
00:23:33.05\00:23:35.20
they're all dirty
it's a home coming,
00:23:35.23\00:23:37.18
you know, dirt to
dirt man, that's great.
00:23:37.21\00:23:39.67
Okay, man love to play,
that's not going to change,
00:23:39.70\00:23:42.45
so you can either join the game
00:23:42.48\00:23:43.78
just like you want him
to understand your feelings,
00:23:43.81\00:23:46.67
he wants you to come play.
00:23:46.70\00:23:48.99
This is good and I
know this is your counsel.
00:23:49.02\00:23:51.07
If you want him to
understand your heart,
00:23:51.10\00:23:52.30
you need to go
and play with him.
00:23:52.33\00:23:54.66
So when couples you know,
00:23:54.69\00:23:56.47
the scripture that keeps
coming to my mind right now
00:23:56.50\00:23:58.88
is a merry heart
doeth good like a medicine.
00:23:58.91\00:24:01.10
And you are right that
there is a lot of women
00:24:01.13\00:24:04.26
in particular that become--
00:24:04.29\00:24:08.21
Not fun.
00:24:08.24\00:24:09.27
Not fun not as playful,
so men needs to see that--
00:24:09.30\00:24:13.16
woman forget
00:24:13.19\00:24:14.64
especially when they got
all of these responsibilities,
00:24:14.67\00:24:16.99
they forget how to be playful.
00:24:17.02\00:24:18.34
It's matter of fact
you'll be proud of me.
00:24:18.37\00:24:20.17
Last night was - my
husband and I had an experience
00:24:20.20\00:24:23.24
that it was just the two of us
and we did play and it was kind,
00:24:23.27\00:24:26.42
I remember he looked at me
and he said you are the best.
00:24:26.45\00:24:29.50
And it was interesting
00:24:29.53\00:24:30.77
because he doesn't always
get to see a playful side of me
00:24:30.80\00:24:33.92
and I did recognize last night
00:24:33.95\00:24:36.16
that I don't
always show him that side.
00:24:36.19\00:24:38.87
So you are saying this--
00:24:38.90\00:24:39.99
You play him once a
week, you can do that,
00:24:40.02\00:24:41.21
you can have date.
00:24:41.24\00:24:42.68
He can see a side of
you, you can see a side of him
00:24:42.71\00:24:44.42
and you fall in love
and you stay in love,
00:24:44.45\00:24:45.57
when you and you, you know,
00:24:45.60\00:24:47.45
when you are, when you are--
00:24:47.48\00:24:48.83
when I was broke,
let me put that way
00:24:48.86\00:24:50.34
when I was broke
and dead my wife,
00:24:50.37\00:24:52.27
fun was what we have.
00:24:52.30\00:24:54.93
Now that I've got all
these resources I should say no,
00:24:54.96\00:24:58.06
I can't have fun with you.
00:24:58.09\00:25:00.11
That seems backwards
to me. What is backwards?
00:25:00.14\00:25:02.89
You know if I was
broken, I could figure out
00:25:02.92\00:25:04.24
how to have a
good time with you,
00:25:04.27\00:25:05.30
certainly with
all these resources
00:25:05.33\00:25:06.38
I can have a
little fun with you.
00:25:06.41\00:25:07.67
All right, Doug,
we got two minutes,
00:25:07.70\00:25:09.94
how do you get people back
into the practice of dating?
00:25:09.97\00:25:12.74
Well, it's kind
of funny, Shelly,
00:25:12.77\00:25:14.11
because most of the time
people are coming to my office
00:25:14.14\00:25:16.53
and they are paying me. Yes.
00:25:16.56\00:25:18.30
Okay, so they are
saying we need help
00:25:18.33\00:25:19.98
and we'll do what you say, okay.
00:25:20.01\00:25:22.17
Now you who are watching,
you don't have to pay me okay,
00:25:22.20\00:25:26.84
but I am
encouraging you to start dating,
00:25:26.87\00:25:28.50
because if you date each other,
00:25:28.53\00:25:30.25
that's one of the building
blocks for good marriage.
00:25:30.28\00:25:32.72
If you're not
dating, that structure
00:25:32.75\00:25:33.93
will eventually erode
some of the even good things
00:25:33.96\00:25:36.24
in your marriage.
00:25:36.27\00:25:37.30
Okay, dating is
necessary principle,
00:25:37.33\00:25:39.89
having that
Sabbath where it's just you
00:25:39.92\00:25:41.63
and your spouse is important.
00:25:41.66\00:25:43.89
You know what I am saying.
00:25:43.92\00:25:45.14
Yes, I mean I hear
what you are saying
00:25:45.17\00:25:46.87
and there is some part of
me-- It's resonating, isn't it?
00:25:46.90\00:25:49.26
It's resonating
but there is also like
00:25:49.29\00:25:51.27
oh, it feels like
this is going to be
00:25:51.30\00:25:53.26
pulling teeth to get
back and do the practice.
00:25:53.29\00:25:54.74
Oh, no, no, no, you
just start doing, he get fun.
00:25:54.77\00:25:57.02
See desire follows discipline.
00:25:57.05\00:25:59.35
Okay, if you want to--
Repeat that because that--
00:25:59.38\00:26:01.68
Desire follows discipline.
00:26:01.71\00:26:03.17
I love that. Okay.
00:26:03.20\00:26:04.37
Western culture wants desire
00:26:04.40\00:26:05.56
before they get
to discipline, okay.
00:26:05.59\00:26:07.66
We want to like to
work out before we do.
00:26:07.69\00:26:09.57
No, if you want to
really be in shape,
00:26:09.60\00:26:11.06
you got to go through
a drudge of six day weeks
00:26:11.09\00:26:12.99
of not liking it and then desire
will hit you like a rocket
00:26:13.02\00:26:16.24
and you want to do it.
00:26:16.27\00:26:17.38
Same with dating, you start
dating and you start doing it.
00:26:17.41\00:26:19.93
And in about two
month you are going to
00:26:19.96\00:26:20.99
really want to
do it. That's good.
00:26:21.02\00:26:22.96
Okay, desire follows
discipline. That's good.
00:26:22.99\00:26:24.85
Okay, just like worship, if
you want to worship the Lord,
00:26:24.88\00:26:27.28
just start worshipping him
00:26:27.31\00:26:28.45
and do that 5,
10, 15 minutes a day
00:26:28.48\00:26:30.31
and in no time you are
going to desire to worship him.
00:26:30.34\00:26:33.04
Amen, amen.
00:26:33.07\00:26:35.07
So it's all about restoring
intimacy into our relationship
00:26:35.10\00:26:40.11
and part of
intimacy is having fun.
00:26:40.14\00:26:42.61
Well, yeah and you know honestly
00:26:42.64\00:26:44.36
that's how most of
our marriage started.
00:26:44.39\00:26:46.26
I mean how many
you got married saying,
00:26:46.29\00:26:47.36
listen I'm so
bored with my spouse,
00:26:47.39\00:26:49.61
I could barely stand him.
00:26:49.64\00:26:51.21
I just couldn't
get there you know.
00:26:51.24\00:26:53.50
I decided to marry him
00:26:53.53\00:26:54.56
because I felt sorry
for the poor Joe, okay.
00:26:54.59\00:26:56.96
Listen, no, you married him
00:26:56.99\00:26:58.58
because you
thought may be he was fun,
00:26:58.61\00:26:59.80
he thought you were fun.
00:26:59.83\00:27:00.86
And you thought
you would get a fun
00:27:00.89\00:27:01.92
the most of your life together?
00:27:01.95\00:27:03.21
So you thought of getting
married would be good idea.
00:27:03.24\00:27:05.57
And friends not a bad word,
00:27:05.60\00:27:06.87
we just get to, we do get
so serious in mind sometimes.
00:27:06.90\00:27:09.84
You get that fun
as a Christian, Amen.
00:27:09.87\00:27:11.97
Okay and you get
that fun for all eternity
00:27:12.00\00:27:14.47
so you might as well practice,
00:27:14.50\00:27:15.64
because if you
don't like fun down here,
00:27:15.67\00:27:17.35
heaven is going
to be hell for you.
00:27:17.38\00:27:19.10
Because heaven is going
to be a wonderful place.
00:27:19.13\00:27:22.56
Dr. Douglas Weiss,
thank you so much returning
00:27:22.59\00:27:25.74
and we want you to come back
00:27:25.77\00:27:27.29
'cause I know you
got lot more to say.
00:27:27.32\00:27:28.83
Okay great.
Thanks for being here.
00:27:28.86\00:27:30.59
For those of you at home,
00:27:30.62\00:27:32.34
you pray for me and
I will pray for you,
00:27:32.37\00:27:34.07
we need to start
dating our spouses again
00:27:34.10\00:27:36.15
and we need to make our marriage
00:27:36.18\00:27:38.25
be a model of
what God has for us.
00:27:38.28\00:27:41.15
You know, God
likes to have fun with us
00:27:41.18\00:27:43.24
and He has given us all
of this creation to enjoy.
00:27:43.27\00:27:47.48
So go out and enjoy
with your spouse today.
00:27:47.51\00:27:50.57
Thank you so
much for joining us.
00:27:50.60\00:27:53.09