Hello, I'm Shelly Quinn
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and welcome again to
"Issues and Answers."
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This is a program
where we talk about
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issues that affect
the Christian families
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and Christian individuals
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and come up with
biblical solutions.
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You know, when Moses
wrote the Book of Genesis
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he records what
happened in the Garden of Eden
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when Adam was introduced to Eve.
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And although the
Bible doesn't say
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well, I think
Adam probably went wow
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when God first showed him Eve.
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But he says in Genesis
2 beginning in verse 23.
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Adam said, "This is
now bone of my bones
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and flesh of my flesh.
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She shall be called woman
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because she was taken of a man.
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Therefore, a man shall
leave his father and his mother
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and shall become
united and cleave to his wife.
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And they shall
become one flesh."
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It's interesting.
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The Bible shows that man
and woman are a uni-plural unit
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and but they're
considered as one.
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The Bible also tells us
in 1 Corinthians 6:17 that
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when we are in
Christ united in Christ
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we are one in spirit with him.
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What does all of this mean?
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It's all talking about intimacy
between a husband and a wife
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and intimacy in our
relationship with the Lord.
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And that is our topic
today we're very excited.
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This is a topic that's
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sometimes
considered a little challenging
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but it's nothing
to be fearful of.
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And to introduce us
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to some really good scriptural
knowledge of this today
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our very special
guests is Dr. Douglas Weiss.
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Douglas, we're so
glad to have to back.
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Oh, it's good
to be here, Shelly.
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And you have been--
you're returning to 3ABN.
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You've been on Celebrating Life
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and Recovery with
Sherry Peters. Yes, ma'am.
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And that's a very
popular program as well.
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You know, when were there
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we got a lot of
excellent responses
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so we wanted to
have you comeback
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and talk to us about--
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actually this is a topic
you've written a book on.
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And the book is
"Intimacy a Hundred Day Guide
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to Lasting Relationships."
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How many books
total have you written?
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Twenty. Twenty books.
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Yes, ma'am.
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You are a
Christian psychologists.
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Yes, ma'am.
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Its one of them, tell
me your other degrees.
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Well I have got, you
know, two Bible degrees,
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two counseling degrees so
imbalanced, you know. Okay.
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You got be too messed
up if that way. Praise God.
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You come to us
from Colorado Springs,
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Colorado and your ministry
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or your business its Heart
to Heart Counseling Center.
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Yes, in Colorado Springs
and we love it there. Wonderful.
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So let's just jump
right into this topic
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because this is something that--
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I remember once
I was talking about
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intimacy on another
network that used to air on
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and a woman wrote me
the most terrible letter
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when I was talking
about intimacy with the Lord.
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Like that was something that
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was a word that had a
sexual connotation to it
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and I shouldn't be using it
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when talking about my
relationship with God.
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So we want to get
right to the definition,
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what is intimacy?
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Oh, intimacy is the ability
to get my heart to your heart.
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And so intimacy with the Father
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is our ability to
get our heart to Him
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and His heart to us. It's good.
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And what's interesting is,
it's the same set as skills.
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The same set of skills
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it takes to be intimate
with the husband and wife.
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The same set of skills that
take to be intimate with God.
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Now there are some
people who are religious
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and they think to
be intimate with God
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and treat their
spouse very poorly.
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That isn't intimacy,
that's religion. Okay.
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Okay intimacy is my
ability to connect to Him,
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my ability to connect to
you and you to connect to me.
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Now there is no place
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in western society
we get train to do this.
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I got four degrees
and none of them taught me
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how to be intimate.
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None of them taught
me how to share my heart.
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Two in Bible, two in counseling
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and none of them showed
me how to actually do it.
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Was it modeled
for you as a child?
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No, no I was conceived
in adultery, ban and abuse,
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neglected foster homes
all that kind of stuff.
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My background was
no place to learn this.
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This is something
that God had to show me.
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Because, I was going
to school as counselor
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and I said God,
if you're gonna--
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if you're gonna
put me in counseling
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I got to learn
how to do this myself,
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because if I don't have to
do this I can't teach somebody.
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And so actually the
skills are in intimacy
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are skills that I use for myself
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to develop intimacy
with my wife and with my God.
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Amen, now before we
unpack your skill set
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and talk about how we
actually get to intimacy.
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Let's talk about
what intimacy is not.
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Oh, intimacy is not
Shelly some allusive thing
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that God does
not want us to have.
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And it is also is not
culturally for the rich,
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the famous, the beautiful.
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You just have to
look at any newspaper
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to realize they don't have it.
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They're cheating, they're lying,
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and they're hurting each other
and all that kind of stuff.
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Intimacy actually is something
that almost anybody can have
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if they're
willing to work for it.
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Intimacy is the set of
skills on a consistent basis
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that gives you
consistent result. Okay.
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Let me give you an example.
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Poor health
okay, if you eat good
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your exercise
regularly and sleep well.
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You're going to have really
good health most of your life.
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You know, limited to
your gene pool, okay.
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If you want to be wealthy,
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simple concept first
tithe. Always tithe. Amen.
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Tithe, save invest
and over 30-40 years
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you're going to
be wealthy. Okay.
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You know don't get into a
lot of debts simple principles.
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Intimacy is the
set of principles
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you actually do
everyday or almost everyday
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so you get the result
kind of like the result is.
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Health if you
follow those principles,
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wealth if you follow
the wealth principles
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and intimacy if you
follow intimacy principles.
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So health, wealth and intimacy
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are all
processor you are saying--
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Its work. Its work, okay.
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Do the work.
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And sometimes
people don't want to work.
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I know that's why some
of us are weigh over weight
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and someone's are broke
even though we love Jesus.
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And some of us--
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and some of us are pew
warmers or church goers
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who don't have that true
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one on one personal
relationships with the Lord.
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That's another way doing
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yeah the intimacy
with Him to work as well.
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Some of us are having
been married for years
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and our relationships
were more like roommates. Yes.
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Then being that enjoying
that true intimacy. Absolutely.
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And sometimes people confuse
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as I mentioned that
women who wrote me this word.
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The letter she was confusing
the word intimacy with sex.
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But sexual--there is a
physical intimacy. Yes.
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That God intent for us to enjoy.
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But within the confines
of marriage we'll get there.
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Only marriage.
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But intimacy is as you
said sharing one heart--
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It's heart to
heart. With another.
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Heart to heart,
deep calling into deep.
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All right, exactly,
and that could be friends
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that definitely when you
want that to be in your marriage
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and that definitely
should be with the Lord.
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The Lord is not interested
in a religious performance
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He is interested
in knowing our hearts.
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He creates us to be known.
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Amen. He
created us for intimacy.
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Yeah, and so
that's really important.
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So how we are with our husbands
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and wives is
really, really critical
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because if these disciplines
usually in place for dating,
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quality time, praying together,
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sharing your heart,
sharing your dreams.
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Because we don't have any money
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so we're got to
share our dreams, right.
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And so what happens though
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as we move from
relationship often
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into the dating
process to after marriage
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we start to moving
into function ship.
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Okay we drop the dating
we drop its quality time,
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we dropped sharing our hearts.
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And now all of
sudden we're functioning
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with kids and dogs
and mortgage payments
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and insurance payments
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and we start moving
in the function ship
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and the fire whines
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because the real intimacy
skills are being left behind.
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And so we're actually
getting lazy in the intimacy
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and wondering why
we don't have that
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same passion that we have.
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We're investing so
many hours together.
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Okay so how does one first--
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let's talk about this
emotional and mental intimacy.
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Do you believe Doug,
that anyone can truly enjoy
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intimacy as a husband and
wife if the don't understand
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how to have intimacy with God.
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Well, they could have a
limited level of intimacy. Okay.
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I mean you could
have two cells burning
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right rather to have all three
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its spirit,
soul and body. Right.
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I had rather they all
three to be burning. Okay.
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Do you know what
I'm saying with my wife?
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I want to be
spiritually connected,
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emotionally connected, and
physically connected. Amen.
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You know what I'm saying that
you can have two out of three.
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You can have one out of three.
But I'm going for the goal.
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And people-- and
you know some people--
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You got to have bronze marriage
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if you want to but
kind of boring to me, man.
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Let's bring in this three
letter word that some people
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just have such a
difficult time in discussing.
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And that's S-E-X. Sex. Sure.
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There are people who have
and within their marriage--
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a husband and wife who
have a very active physical life
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but have no intimacy. Yeah.
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Isn't that
true? Yes, absolutely.
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And see intimacy is
something that it is--
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it's something to me maintained.
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Let me go scripture
for a minute. Okay, please.
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Because there're the lot of guys
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who are watching
the show, Shelly. Yes.
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Okay and I think, you know, guys
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we're talking about
like the girl thing.
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No, no, no see
intimacy is something
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that your wife is gonna crave
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whether you give
it to her or not.
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So if you give to her
then she really desires you.
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So you really
want to pay attention.
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Guys, okay scripture talks about
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love your wife as
Christ love the church.
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All guys really
don't like that scriptures
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as when was Paul were
like taking the rest on, okay.
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Okay because we're
compared to Jesus, all right.
00:09:26.38\00:09:28.98
But right after that he
tells us exactly how to do it.
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He says, what man
doesn't wash his body?
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What man doesn't feed his body?
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Now I'm a guy, you know,
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and when I go into the shower
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I don't complaining to Jesus
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why did you set up such a system
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I got to spend you
know 30-40 minutes daily
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taking to shower and
do hair all kind of stuff.
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And then eating, eating takes
up at least two hours a day.
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You know, between
making it, eating it,
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cleaning up and
all kind of stuff.
00:09:49.79\00:09:51.06
So here I'm spending almost
3 hours on myself everyday
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without one
complaint about my maintenance.
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Okay, and when you get
married a woman is maintenance,
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a marriage is maintenance,
a man is maintenance.
00:09:59.09\00:10:01.77
And in that
scripture he says listen,
00:10:01.80\00:10:03.31
if you can accept the
daily maintenance of your body
00:10:03.34\00:10:06.89
you could accept the
daily maintenance of a woman.
00:10:06.92\00:10:09.64
And if you could accept
the daily maintenance of her
00:10:09.67\00:10:12.07
you will be loving your
wife as Christ loves the church.
00:10:12.10\00:10:15.61
And I never looked at
that scripture that way.
00:10:15.64\00:10:17.65
That's because
you're girl, all right.
00:10:17.68\00:10:18.81
That's Ephesians 5,
that's Ephesians 5--
00:10:18.84\00:10:19.87
You know, well see we get this.
00:10:19.90\00:10:20.93
It says, well, man
doesn't wash his body
00:10:20.96\00:10:22.77
or man doesn't cloth his--
00:10:22.80\00:10:23.83
what man doesn't feed
his body, right. Amen.
00:10:23.86\00:10:26.39
And so we do that
without complaint.
00:10:26.42\00:10:29.59
Ephesians 5 for anyone
00:10:29.62\00:10:30.79
that's wondering
where scripture might be.
00:10:30.82\00:10:31.85
Shelly, we change oil in
our car without complaint.
00:10:31.88\00:10:36.08
Well, some of us. You
know, what I'm saying.
00:10:36.11\00:10:37.61
For the men that's
a maintenance issue.
00:10:37.64\00:10:39.96
Marriage is a maintenance issue.
00:10:39.99\00:10:41.35
If God gives you the gift
of a woman in his own image
00:10:41.38\00:10:44.41
she needs to be
maintained. Why was man made?
00:10:44.44\00:10:46.97
To maintain the garden.
We are maintainers, okay.
00:10:47.00\00:10:51.43
But see what happens is
girls don't come on with rules.
00:10:51.46\00:10:53.71
And so we have to
like figure this out.
00:10:53.74\00:10:56.50
And what we are talking about
is intimacy is a set of skills
00:10:56.53\00:10:58.50
and they're in the
book and we can talk about
00:10:58.53\00:10:59.84
a few of these in a moment.
00:10:59.87\00:11:01.07
If you do these skills
00:11:01.10\00:11:02.62
you feed her
spiritually and emotionally
00:11:02.65\00:11:04.79
she is gonna run just fine.
00:11:04.82\00:11:06.93
You're not going to be sleeping
on the sofa near as much
00:11:06.96\00:11:08.89
or fighting near as much
00:11:08.92\00:11:10.23
or and you get to have
better physical relationship
00:11:10.26\00:11:12.31
because if you're
intimate outside the bedroom
00:11:12.34\00:11:14.56
then intimacy brought
into the physical relationship
00:11:14.59\00:11:17.28
was God's design. Amen.
00:11:17.31\00:11:19.46
Now, its not just
women who crave intimacy
00:11:19.49\00:11:23.50
but we all are designed
for intimacy, are we not.
00:11:23.53\00:11:26.66
Yeah, but
guys-- intimacy to guys
00:11:26.69\00:11:28.30
could be sitting
around having a piece of piece
00:11:28.33\00:11:29.63
and watching the
game. You know quality time.
00:11:29.66\00:11:31.34
So that's
useless. That's useless.
00:11:31.37\00:11:33.96
Hey, we have a
good time, man. Okay.
00:11:33.99\00:11:35.84
But the intimacy with
the woman is more demanding
00:11:35.87\00:11:38.21
than intimacy
with the man. Okay.
00:11:38.24\00:11:39.79
It is, you know,
because you process differently.
00:11:39.82\00:11:42.72
You know, you use more words.
00:11:42.75\00:11:44.59
You know, you
think differently like,
00:11:44.62\00:11:46.32
you know, women
tend to think about
00:11:46.35\00:11:47.47
their whole world at one time.
00:11:47.50\00:11:48.84
We talk to think
a slice at a time.
00:11:48.87\00:11:51.32
You know what I'm
saying? Hey, we're on the slice.
00:11:51.35\00:11:53.00
The slice is good to
my life, its good. Okay.
00:11:53.03\00:11:55.16
We don't' worry the things that,
00:11:55.19\00:11:56.22
you know, IRS or other things
00:11:56.25\00:11:57.37
that are going on our
life. My slice is good.
00:11:57.40\00:11:59.15
If the super bowl is on then
that's the slice you're taking.
00:11:59.18\00:12:01.96
Right, that's really so.
00:12:01.99\00:12:03.50
So, you know,
there is a difference
00:12:03.53\00:12:04.91
and God made it so that we would
00:12:04.94\00:12:06.11
have to become like Him
to be able to love you. Okay.
00:12:06.14\00:12:09.52
And you have to become
00:12:09.55\00:12:10.58
a little bit more
like Him to love us.
00:12:10.61\00:12:12.79
All right, I will accept that.
00:12:12.82\00:12:13.85
You know, what I'm
saying, your patience, goodness,
00:12:13.88\00:12:15.36
kindness all of those things.
00:12:15.39\00:12:17.31
Patience a lot.
Yes, yes and it's good.
00:12:17.34\00:12:20.15
But now
intimacy, when you say that
00:12:20.18\00:12:22.35
a man is
spending so much time in--
00:12:22.38\00:12:26.06
Eating and
showering. Eating and showering.
00:12:26.09\00:12:28.16
You know, saying
he is has to spend
00:12:28.19\00:12:29.47
an equal amount of time in
other three hours of this way.
00:12:29.50\00:12:31.12
This takes about
10-15 minutes a day.
00:12:31.15\00:12:33.01
The basic vitamin of intimacy
is 10 to 15 minutes a day,
00:12:33.04\00:12:35.72
guys, 10 to 15 minutes a day.
00:12:35.75\00:12:37.51
We all have that.
00:12:37.54\00:12:38.65
But now there is
one another thing
00:12:38.68\00:12:39.71
that I want to bring in
and you tell me if I'm wrong
00:12:39.74\00:12:41.58
because you're
the psychologist here.
00:12:41.61\00:12:43.80
When I'm teaching say
at a women's retreat. Yes.
00:12:43.83\00:12:46.88
I always tell
women you cannot expect--
00:12:46.91\00:12:50.35
men and women
communicate differently.
00:12:50.38\00:12:52.31
You cannot expect your husband
00:12:52.34\00:12:55.54
to fulfill the
need that you have.
00:12:55.57\00:12:57.56
And he is never gonna be a girl.
00:12:57.59\00:12:58.62
The relationship of
your best girlfriend.
00:12:58.65\00:13:00.77
We can't--I tell women learn
how to talk in bullet points.
00:13:00.80\00:13:04.72
Kind of bottom
line it for a man.
00:13:04.75\00:13:06.36
If he wants the
no more he will ask
00:13:06.39\00:13:08.24
but they're really
not all that interested in
00:13:08.27\00:13:10.42
if the baby shower,
what the color scheme was,
00:13:10.45\00:13:12.64
every present that
she opened, who was there.
00:13:12.67\00:13:14.82
That would be a
long bang. All right.
00:13:14.85\00:13:16.90
So the difference is.
I'm glad you had a good time.
00:13:16.93\00:13:21.56
So basically the one
I'm setting up here is that
00:13:21.59\00:13:25.68
what are realistic
expectations of intimacy?
00:13:25.71\00:13:28.52
What when a women you say that
00:13:28.55\00:13:30.25
a women needs to be maintained,
00:13:30.28\00:13:32.40
it doesn't mean that
her husband has to sit there
00:13:32.43\00:13:34.16
and say oh, do I have
to listen to all of them.
00:13:34.19\00:13:36.68
Now, this is about 10 to
15 minutes investment, okay.
00:13:36.71\00:13:39.38
And you work together on this.
00:13:39.41\00:13:41.14
Okay, those
exercises we outlined.
00:13:41.17\00:13:42.75
But one of them
is praying together.
00:13:42.78\00:13:44.22
Now that's simple. Okay.
00:13:44.25\00:13:45.62
Take a covenants
day to pray together
00:13:45.65\00:13:48.03
before the Lord and, you know,
00:13:48.06\00:13:49.30
I don't know how the
Lord feels about a man
00:13:49.33\00:13:51.10
who honestly
takes the pride from God
00:13:51.13\00:13:54.16
and then doesn't bring bride
back to God on a regular basis.
00:13:54.19\00:13:57.59
I think He feels
insulted. Good point.
00:13:57.62\00:13:59.85
You know, because God
is not just our Father,
00:13:59.88\00:14:01.53
He's your father-in-law.
00:14:01.56\00:14:03.49
And I've have never
thought of that either, Doug.
00:14:03.52\00:14:05.05
We could have a lot, you
have a lot of Revelations
00:14:05.08\00:14:06.55
We're gonna have,
that's really interesting.
00:14:06.58\00:14:08.06
Lights are coming on, yeah.
00:14:08.09\00:14:09.15
And so God is your father-in-law
00:14:09.18\00:14:11.20
and sometimes He relates
to a man from that position.
00:14:11.23\00:14:13.26
And there is lot of
man who are not blessed
00:14:13.29\00:14:14.60
because they're not treating
00:14:14.63\00:14:15.66
their wives well that Malachi 2.
00:14:15.69\00:14:16.72
So He is you father, J.D.
00:14:16.75\00:14:18.65
God is not only His father
but he is father-in-law in that
00:14:18.68\00:14:21.90
God gave me His daughter to J.D.
00:14:21.93\00:14:25.00
And so sometimes God
looks at J.D. and goes,
00:14:25.03\00:14:26.85
okay, how you're
doing son with my daughter.
00:14:26.88\00:14:30.98
And now that's
My favorite daughter
00:14:31.01\00:14:32.80
and--you see what I
am saying. Yes, okay.
00:14:32.83\00:14:34.77
And if you ever had
a little girl guys know
00:14:34.80\00:14:36.30
how feel about little girl.
00:14:36.33\00:14:38.49
There is something
special she has in your heart.
00:14:38.52\00:14:40.98
And every wife is that
special place in God's heart.
00:14:41.01\00:14:44.86
So you better be really nice
00:14:44.89\00:14:46.26
to her is kind of
the way that goes.
00:14:46.29\00:14:47.72
So as a father-in-law
what you're saying is that
00:14:47.75\00:14:49.89
if a man married your daughter
and he is not treating her right
00:14:49.92\00:14:53.13
you're going to be a
little upset with him.
00:14:53.16\00:14:54.66
No I might have him killed.
00:14:54.69\00:14:56.88
Okay, that's your
little-- Yeah, yeah.
00:14:56.91\00:14:57.94
Now I'm being
silly. You know that.
00:14:57.97\00:15:00.40
But what I'm saying
that's man want to protect woman
00:15:00.43\00:15:03.06
that's what I'm
saying. That's okay.
00:15:03.09\00:15:04.14
Okay, and so yeah, that
man won't have my favorite.
00:15:04.17\00:15:07.98
If he treats her really
good you'll have my favorite.
00:15:08.01\00:15:10.89
And see there is lot of man
who don't have some of the favor
00:15:10.92\00:15:14.93
because of the way
they treat their wives.
00:15:14.96\00:15:17.04
So let's get back to the start.
00:15:17.07\00:15:18.36
Let's go to
start and I want to dig
00:15:18.39\00:15:19.90
into this praying
together a little bit further
00:15:19.93\00:15:22.30
because there are some--
00:15:22.33\00:15:26.15
I hate to use that
what control freak.
00:15:26.18\00:15:28.73
But there are some
people in relationships
00:15:28.76\00:15:31.70
that when they pray together
00:15:31.73\00:15:33.92
that there women are
guilty of doing this,
00:15:33.95\00:15:36.83
men are guilty of doing this.
00:15:36.86\00:15:38.24
As they pray they're actually
preaching sermon in the prayer.
00:15:38.27\00:15:42.07
Preaching that. Don't do that.
00:15:42.10\00:15:43.76
Jesus never did that.
You know, He never did that.
00:15:43.79\00:15:46.87
And that's not loving your wife.
00:15:46.90\00:15:48.87
If you want to
bless her, bless her.
00:15:48.90\00:15:50.40
You know, Lord
Jesus, bless my wife.
00:15:50.43\00:15:51.79
Encourage her strengthened
use me to serve her.
00:15:51.82\00:15:54.74
Those be great prayers.
00:15:54.77\00:15:55.80
Don't be preaching in
you know stuff at her.
00:15:55.83\00:15:58.27
Because you want her to
be-- Help her to lose weight.
00:15:58.30\00:15:59.87
You know, one of the things,
00:15:59.90\00:16:00.93
one of the
biggest sins in marriage,
00:16:00.96\00:16:02.11
in Christian's
marriage is adulatory.
00:16:02.14\00:16:04.20
I want you to look like me.
00:16:04.23\00:16:06.12
Wow. That's adulatory.
00:16:06.15\00:16:08.25
God didn't create
her to be in my image
00:16:08.28\00:16:10.06
He created her
to be in His image.
00:16:10.09\00:16:11.78
If I want her to look like me
00:16:11.81\00:16:12.96
then I more
should be me too much.
00:16:12.99\00:16:14.53
Amen.i And that's sin.
00:16:14.56\00:16:17.40
So then if make
start making her like me
00:16:17.43\00:16:18.68
now the Holy Spirits
are gonna kill her too.
00:16:18.71\00:16:21.16
Wow, that's good.
00:16:21.19\00:16:22.61
So in this 10 to 15
minutes time of investment
00:16:22.64\00:16:26.26
everyday you're
saying this is time
00:16:26.29\00:16:28.68
where you all can
share heart to heart.
00:16:28.71\00:16:30.94
Right exactly.
Prayer is one way.
00:16:30.97\00:16:32.96
Prayer is one. We
do two feelings a day.
00:16:32.99\00:16:35.16
Now there is no place where you
are trained how to do emotions.
00:16:35.19\00:16:36.83
This is a real
limitation western culture
00:16:36.86\00:16:39.27
and cultures in general.
00:16:39.30\00:16:40.72
So the book actually
walks you through an exercise
00:16:40.75\00:16:42.75
I developed for myself
to learn how to identify
00:16:42.78\00:16:45.23
and communicate feelings.
00:16:45.26\00:16:46.37
Within about a
month or so you can go
00:16:46.40\00:16:48.57
from emotional ill
literacy to literacy
00:16:48.60\00:16:50.68
in about two months you
can become emotional blackmail
00:16:50.71\00:16:53.12
where guys can share
feelings just as fast as girls.
00:16:53.15\00:16:55.17
It's a skill. It's
just a set of skills.
00:16:55.20\00:16:56.96
I have to tell you. Yes.
00:16:56.99\00:16:59.10
When we're talking
about men sharing intimacies
00:16:59.13\00:17:01.28
some men cannot
own their own feelings.
00:17:01.31\00:17:03.81
I mean they don't even recognize
what their own feelings are.
00:17:03.84\00:17:05.93
That's a lack of skill.
00:17:05.96\00:17:07.18
That's not a
lack of intelligence
00:17:07.21\00:17:08.33
and its not
about them being man.
00:17:08.36\00:17:10.04
Woman can be
just be bad at that.
00:17:10.07\00:17:11.35
Is it also a part of men
00:17:11.38\00:17:13.20
who are fearful of
being labeled effeminate
00:17:13.23\00:17:16.16
if they're able to
share their feelings
00:17:16.19\00:17:18.36
or there seems to be a block,
00:17:18.39\00:17:20.76
especially in I mean we
have got a worldwide audience
00:17:20.79\00:17:23.50
and don't know
where you're watching.
00:17:23.53\00:17:25.24
Which you're
country you're watching.
00:17:25.27\00:17:26.89
But there seems to be
in the western culture
00:17:26.92\00:17:29.88
particularly this
mental block about you
00:17:29.91\00:17:32.71
asking a man how their feeling
and its like, I don't know.
00:17:32.74\00:17:38.13
I don't know I feel about this.
00:17:38.16\00:17:40.15
Have you recognized this?
Well, again it's like a skill.
00:17:40.18\00:17:42.47
I have taught tens
of thousands of man
00:17:42.50\00:17:44.01
how identify
communicate feelings.
00:17:44.04\00:17:46.03
And what happens is
they feel closer to a woman,
00:17:46.06\00:17:50.53
understood what I'am
saying because there was a place
00:17:50.56\00:17:51.97
a woman is
generally a safe person.
00:17:52.00\00:17:53.36
Now there are some
woman they are not safe.
00:17:53.39\00:17:54.65
But generally they're safe
00:17:54.68\00:17:55.71
and you can share
your heart with them.
00:17:55.74\00:17:57.30
And there are some guidelines.
00:17:57.33\00:17:58.36
Like you can't give feedback
you can't ask questions.
00:17:58.39\00:18:00.20
So in the exercise the
guys sharing to feelings
00:18:00.23\00:18:02.44
but she can't do
anything with them.
00:18:02.47\00:18:04.12
So give us an example on this.
00:18:04.15\00:18:05.76
She can't say, you
can't feel that way.
00:18:05.79\00:18:07.18
She can't say
well, tell me more.
00:18:07.21\00:18:08.38
She can't do any thing.
00:18:08.41\00:18:09.44
It's just like,
okay, we pick a feeling--
00:18:09.47\00:18:11.10
you know we point it,
same we say okay, calm.
00:18:11.13\00:18:14.60
I feel calm when I am--
00:18:14.63\00:18:16.19
I feel calm actually in my house
00:18:16.22\00:18:17.28
and watching the stars its
amazing, there where I live.
00:18:17.31\00:18:19.70
And I first
remember feeling calm
00:18:19.73\00:18:21.25
which is gonna be
under the age of 18
00:18:21.28\00:18:22.47
when I was with my sister.
00:18:22.50\00:18:23.93
We were on farms where,
you know look at the clouds
00:18:23.96\00:18:26.23
and making shapes
and I felt it very calm.
00:18:26.26\00:18:28.47
Cool grass, blue sky
it was beautiful, okay.
00:18:28.50\00:18:30.92
So they are just identifying
communicative feeling.
00:18:30.95\00:18:34.19
Okay, now as the wife though
you can't give me any feedback,
00:18:34.22\00:18:37.93
see this is where
it gets jammed up.
00:18:37.96\00:18:39.58
A guy shares his heart
00:18:39.61\00:18:40.64
and the girl wants to go
in there and pick around it.
00:18:40.67\00:18:43.38
So-- That was unsafe.
00:18:43.41\00:18:45.04
All right, so
say that a man said,
00:18:45.07\00:18:47.15
I feel calm when I'm sitting
in my easy chair watching
00:18:47.18\00:18:51.38
what ever program it is--
00:18:51.41\00:18:52.44
he is watching
a golf tournament.
00:18:52.47\00:18:54.23
So the wife can't sit and
say, you got to be kidding
00:18:54.26\00:18:57.13
if you feel calm
like that or that or that.
00:18:57.16\00:18:59.13
She can't give any feedback.
She can't give any feedback.
00:18:59.16\00:19:00.73
Now see this is a safe zone.
00:19:00.76\00:19:02.82
See if you want a man
to share he has to be safe
00:19:02.85\00:19:05.65
and some women sabotage that.
00:19:05.68\00:19:07.88
Because when he
shares its any thing
00:19:07.91\00:19:09.42
but safe all of a
sudden they become the mom,
00:19:09.45\00:19:12.15
they become the
expert, they become the critic,
00:19:12.18\00:19:14.13
they become this, he is
like it is not safe out there.
00:19:14.16\00:19:17.72
All right, you are
bringing up something I know--
00:19:17.75\00:19:19.57
So there is two dynamics here.
00:19:19.60\00:19:21.65
The man he can share
where as do it in safety
00:19:21.68\00:19:24.01
and no one has to hear with out
trying to do anything with it.
00:19:24.04\00:19:27.83
So communicating feelings,
I talk with a lot of women
00:19:27.86\00:19:30.44
who say that they feel that they
repress some of their feelings
00:19:30.47\00:19:34.30
because if they express
a feeling to their husband
00:19:34.33\00:19:38.58
he thinks that he got
to come in and fix it.
00:19:38.61\00:19:41.12
Feelings-- I like
that you said in this book.
00:19:41.15\00:19:43.50
He can't say
anything either. All right.
00:19:43.53\00:19:45.06
She is sharing her feelings
and he can't say anything.
00:19:45.09\00:19:46.84
I liked what you
said in this book.
00:19:46.87\00:19:48.55
In this--your book Intimacy.
00:19:48.58\00:19:50.85
A 100-Day Guide to
Lasting Relationships.
00:19:50.88\00:19:53.72
You said that
feeling aren't always truth.
00:19:53.75\00:19:56.25
We all have feelings
00:19:56.28\00:19:57.38
and feelings
change from day to day.
00:19:57.41\00:20:00.68
I was talking with some one
day before yesterday who said,
00:20:00.71\00:20:04.67
I just wish Jesus
would take me home.
00:20:04.70\00:20:06.34
I am tired of living in
it and I just read this.
00:20:06.37\00:20:10.29
And so rather than
jumping in and trying to fix it
00:20:10.32\00:20:12.55
I just let them express
that feeling you will be safe.
00:20:12.58\00:20:16.53
You know, the interesting
thing was next they called back
00:20:16.56\00:20:19.00
and said because a
tornado came through their town
00:20:19.03\00:20:21.29
and next day they
called back and said
00:20:21.32\00:20:22.36
well, I was sure was
repenting of those words.
00:20:22.39\00:20:25.67
So feelings do change, they
have nothing to do with truth
00:20:25.70\00:20:29.03
but is it not true that
more men than women are fixers
00:20:29.06\00:20:33.99
that when you share a feeling.
00:20:34.02\00:20:35.51
A man jumps in and
thinks he is gonna fix it.
00:20:35.54\00:20:37.48
Well, I think generally
if a woman doesn't prefers
00:20:37.51\00:20:40.08
for communication with what
I need is you just to hear me,
00:20:40.11\00:20:43.69
I don't need a solution
she is gonna usually get one,
00:20:43.72\00:20:46.35
okay, because
that's what he thinks--
00:20:46.38\00:20:48.31
because if a man
ask man a question
00:20:48.34\00:20:49.53
he is asking the other
man to help him with something
00:20:49.56\00:20:51.25
and fixing to get more
information or something.
00:20:51.28\00:20:53.79
So if a woman asks a question
he assumes that she wants
00:20:53.82\00:20:55.70
the same genius
information he could offer.
00:20:55.73\00:20:59.19
But if she is wanting to
share heart its different.
00:20:59.22\00:21:00.79
She needs to say
listen, I need to talk with you,
00:21:00.82\00:21:03.05
but it really
don't need any feedback.
00:21:03.08\00:21:04.23
I just want to
process, I just want to share.
00:21:04.26\00:21:06.48
Okay, well, then
he knows his role.
00:21:06.51\00:21:08.24
What happens is she because
see Eve hung out with God first,
00:21:08.27\00:21:12.56
it totally messed her up.
00:21:12.59\00:21:14.45
If she would have just
met Adam first that be fine.
00:21:14.48\00:21:16.94
Okay, but she met God
first and He knows everything
00:21:16.97\00:21:19.94
and read her mind and
He was able to tell her
00:21:19.97\00:21:21.58
what she was
feeling and thinking
00:21:21.61\00:21:22.68
before she could think
it, totally messed her up
00:21:22.71\00:21:24.83
for relating to
man because she thinks
00:21:24.86\00:21:26.55
He is God liking
well totally not.
00:21:26.58\00:21:29.02
I am the cool
that you are thinking.
00:21:29.05\00:21:30.53
You have to
actually share with me
00:21:30.56\00:21:32.05
and if I don't
know what you need
00:21:32.08\00:21:33.11
you have to let me know
00:21:33.14\00:21:34.17
so I kind of go in
the right place for you.
00:21:34.20\00:21:36.49
You know what I am saying? Yes.
00:21:36.52\00:21:37.82
Some of the work
has to do on her side,
00:21:37.85\00:21:39.47
someone has to watch and go I
don't like that okay, it's both.
00:21:39.50\00:21:43.24
We will have to work
a better communication.
00:21:43.27\00:21:45.32
And then the other
exercise we will go to all three
00:21:45.35\00:21:48.47
okay, that's
something you do everyday
00:21:48.50\00:21:49.88
its two or three statements.
00:21:49.91\00:21:50.94
I'll give you two
compliments a day,
00:21:50.97\00:21:52.54
you give me two compliments.
00:21:52.57\00:21:54.20
I say, I love
appreciate that that about you,
00:21:54.23\00:21:56.20
you say thank you.
00:21:56.23\00:21:57.26
So let it into your heart.
00:21:57.29\00:21:58.57
There is a receipt
there are some people
00:21:58.60\00:22:00.82
who won't go to let it
in, and then you give me one.
00:22:00.85\00:22:04.39
And then I give
you the other one
00:22:04.42\00:22:05.54
is through these two feelings.
00:22:05.57\00:22:06.82
So the there is
three is to thank you.
00:22:06.85\00:22:08.30
Two praise us and
praises, I am in prayer.
00:22:08.33\00:22:10.38
Yes, well, know I say, you know,
00:22:10.41\00:22:12.81
I think you are an
amazing industrious woman.
00:22:12.84\00:22:14.33
Suppose I was your husband
and you go and you let in here,
00:22:14.36\00:22:17.46
you go thank you
from here. Thank you.
00:22:17.49\00:22:20.24
So that you actually letting
it in, its what I am saying.
00:22:20.27\00:22:23.41
But someone may not
really gonna giving it
00:22:23.44\00:22:24.47
but not good at receive it.
00:22:24.50\00:22:25.54
I am terrible at
receiving compliment.
00:22:25.57\00:22:27.86
Next time I see you I
expect that to be better.
00:22:27.89\00:22:30.14
Yes. Okay.
00:22:30.17\00:22:31.31
I find an excuse to
tell you why it isn't so.
00:22:31.34\00:22:34.05
Okay, but yet you let it in
00:22:34.08\00:22:35.21
because see the
Father see these skills
00:22:35.24\00:22:38.11
transformed to the Father, okay.
00:22:38.14\00:22:40.74
If you can share your
feeling with God He is a person,
00:22:40.77\00:22:44.63
He has feelings too, His
feelings will blow you away
00:22:44.66\00:22:46.59
if can hear them. You
know, what I'm saying.
00:22:46.62\00:22:49.77
Yeah, that's why I
love to study the Bible.
00:22:49.80\00:22:52.80
Yeah, but He is a
person, He is a person
00:22:52.83\00:22:54.51
He is not a yet,
He is not a thing,
00:22:54.54\00:22:56.71
We are in His
image, He is a person.
00:22:56.74\00:22:59.74
He has feelings about
how things are in Heaven,
00:22:59.77\00:23:01.61
how things are in earth,
00:23:01.64\00:23:02.86
how things are
happening with us. Amen.
00:23:02.89\00:23:06.30
If you seek the hearty
God you always know His mind.
00:23:06.33\00:23:09.52
You know what I am saying.
00:23:09.55\00:23:10.58
That's why you go in his heart.
00:23:10.61\00:23:12.05
and He loves to be complimented.
00:23:12.08\00:23:14.03
He loves praise. Absolutely.
00:23:14.06\00:23:16.30
You know what I am
saying, and He loves to give it
00:23:16.33\00:23:17.99
if you listen He
will tell you what
00:23:18.02\00:23:20.26
you are My favorite person.
00:23:20.29\00:23:21.74
I love you, you are
precious, you are amazing.
00:23:21.77\00:23:25.06
I have called you by
your name, you are mine.
00:23:25.09\00:23:26.12
Yeah, I am saying.
00:23:26.15\00:23:27.36
Yes, He is a lover in that sense
00:23:27.39\00:23:30.10
He wants to communicate
loving things to our heart.
00:23:30.13\00:23:33.58
Amen, so-- So
these skills transfers.
00:23:33.61\00:23:36.27
What's the third process?
Oh, that is the priority on.
00:23:36.30\00:23:39.24
Two feelings, two and a
nurturing thing is three.
00:23:39.27\00:23:42.36
That's three a day, you do
those three things everyday.
00:23:42.39\00:23:45.36
And what you are saying is
00:23:45.39\00:23:46.89
if a man and a
woman who will sit down
00:23:46.92\00:23:49.38
and agree to do this process,
00:23:49.41\00:23:52.48
that it will actually increase
their intimacy. Tremendously.
00:23:52.51\00:23:55.67
I think couples who
were in physically intimated
00:23:55.70\00:23:57.06
for over a
decade do these exercise
00:23:57.09\00:23:59.32
and with in six
weeks, that was mended.
00:23:59.35\00:24:01.90
Because they start
to connect intimately
00:24:01.93\00:24:04.55
with out the physical and
then that created a desire
00:24:04.58\00:24:07.25
and hunger for the physical.
00:24:07.28\00:24:09.34
You see what I'm
saying. All right.
00:24:09.37\00:24:10.47
And so intimacy is something
00:24:10.50\00:24:12.18
that is a
result of a discipline.
00:24:12.21\00:24:14.43
If you are falling out of love,
you are not falling out of love.
00:24:14.46\00:24:16.71
I am a councilor, I heard
some people say, I am falling.
00:24:16.74\00:24:19.05
You are not falling. Let
we follow our discipline.
00:24:19.08\00:24:21.41
Your's lazy, you
are not out of love.
00:24:21.44\00:24:23.52
Okay, when get to work
00:24:23.55\00:24:24.96
and you are on
to work for a month
00:24:24.99\00:24:26.02
so you could fall back in love.
00:24:26.05\00:24:27.52
You know, something tells me,
00:24:27.55\00:24:28.58
Doug, that those men out here
who can be say, is that simple?
00:24:28.61\00:24:31.69
All I have to do is
take 15 minutes a day
00:24:31.72\00:24:33.01
and do these process.
Yes, it's that simple.
00:24:33.04\00:24:34.28
You see what happens is
these things actually soak in
00:24:34.31\00:24:38.55
to who you become.
00:24:38.58\00:24:40.39
Okay, you
become more encouraging
00:24:40.42\00:24:41.86
through out the
day because you use to
00:24:41.89\00:24:42.92
encourage you every day.
00:24:42.95\00:24:44.65
You become more open
because you practice being open.
00:24:44.68\00:24:47.63
So something kind
of hits your work,
00:24:47.66\00:24:48.75
you say man, you know
00:24:48.78\00:24:50.15
I really feel
totally unacknowledged today
00:24:50.18\00:24:55.87
because my boss, you know,
I actually wrote the concept
00:24:55.90\00:24:58.92
but some other guy got
credit for following notes.
00:24:58.95\00:25:01.69
Well, see that's
what she wants to know.
00:25:01.72\00:25:03.38
She wants to know
your heart that day.
00:25:03.41\00:25:05.58
She doesn't care
about the information
00:25:05.61\00:25:06.75
she wants to know
where your heart was.
00:25:06.78\00:25:08.13
Why was it hurt,
why was it strength,
00:25:08.16\00:25:09.62
why was it encouraged.
00:25:09.65\00:25:11.51
And she knows that
and she is with you.
00:25:11.54\00:25:13.77
Well you are saying that
men really don't care about
00:25:13.80\00:25:15.50
knowing these things
that it's really woman that--
00:25:15.53\00:25:17.71
No, no we care
about knowing these things
00:25:17.74\00:25:19.30
but again we
want to know so much
00:25:19.33\00:25:22.35
I mean, you
know, we don't want--
00:25:22.38\00:25:23.41
we don't want three feelings
in one minute. We can't do that.
00:25:23.44\00:25:27.35
Okay, but we can if we--
00:25:27.38\00:25:29.14
but it also happens if you get
greatest joy in your feelings
00:25:29.17\00:25:31.10
and you know
its going to happen,
00:25:31.13\00:25:32.16
you know, you can
even share that feeling
00:25:32.19\00:25:33.22
later with him
today in that context
00:25:33.25\00:25:35.15
and he is gonna really hear you
00:25:35.18\00:25:36.21
because he can't
give you any feedback.
00:25:36.24\00:25:37.87
And I also love the fact that
00:25:37.90\00:25:39.25
this same to
discipline can be used with God.
00:25:39.28\00:25:41.62
I mean its just time
of coming to the Lord
00:25:41.65\00:25:44.29
not to seek
intimacy is not prayer,
00:25:44.32\00:25:46.92
seeking God's hand always
the list it's seeking His heart.
00:25:46.95\00:25:51.07
I don't want to know, I know--
00:25:51.10\00:25:52.13
you know, for me my
prayers always been,
00:25:52.16\00:25:54.42
I want Your heart God. Amen.
00:25:54.45\00:25:56.33
If I have Your
heart I have Your mind.
00:25:56.36\00:25:58.38
As the deer pants for the water.
00:25:58.41\00:26:00.23
If I have Your heart God,
00:26:00.26\00:26:02.40
I will have Your mind.
00:26:02.43\00:26:04.57
That's good. You
know what I'm saying.
00:26:04.60\00:26:05.63
And so many
Christians they want to--
00:26:05.66\00:26:06.78
they want to
know the mind of God.
00:26:06.81\00:26:08.44
They want to
read the information.
00:26:08.47\00:26:09.54
They want to be the
news picker about Him
00:26:09.57\00:26:11.36
instead of knowing to go
through article. All right.
00:26:11.39\00:26:13.90
And it's all about
seeking the heart of God.
00:26:13.93\00:26:15.99
Yes, and the
heart of your spouse.
00:26:16.02\00:26:18.78
Woman don't marry men
because they are good looking,
00:26:18.81\00:26:20.63
they marry
because they want they saw
00:26:20.66\00:26:21.69
something in their
heart they really liked.
00:26:21.72\00:26:22.82
But you know this
affirmation in praise
00:26:22.85\00:26:25.30
I believe as you said,
God wants to hear our praise.
00:26:25.33\00:26:28.61
I mean we are
instructed to praise Him.
00:26:28.64\00:26:31.50
Its not that it changes Him
00:26:31.53\00:26:33.42
but it changes our
attitude, it changes us.
00:26:33.45\00:26:37.27
So that's why it's dealing with
your husband in carelessness.
00:26:37.30\00:26:39.18
He wants to hear
his praise of you.
00:26:39.21\00:26:43.04
He wants you to
hear his praise of you.
00:26:43.07\00:26:45.63
I am proud of You. I love You.
00:26:45.66\00:26:48.56
I love listening to you.
I love watching you sleep.
00:26:48.59\00:26:50.71
I love watching you get up.
00:26:50.74\00:26:51.77
I love the way you
play with your kids.
00:26:51.80\00:26:54.36
He wants you to be
able to hear his praise.
00:26:54.39\00:26:56.55
Either when you do
that's satisfies your soul
00:26:56.58\00:27:01.96
because I've pleased
the Father. Amen, Amen.
00:27:01.99\00:27:06.25
Doug, this time
has gone by so fast.
00:27:06.28\00:27:08.30
I am feeling like we just
begin to scratch the surface
00:27:08.33\00:27:11.06
so, we are inviting
you come back. Great.
00:27:11.09\00:27:13.22
I'm glad that you are going to.
00:27:13.25\00:27:15.06
Thank you, so much for
being with us today. Thank you.
00:27:15.09\00:27:18.14
You know, I so much I can
identify with what he says
00:27:18.17\00:27:21.35
and part of the
knowing how God feels about us.
00:27:21.38\00:27:25.74
I love to take his promises
00:27:25.77\00:27:28.02
and just as I am
reading his promises its
00:27:28.05\00:27:30.72
I hear the voice of the Lord
I know the heart of the Father
00:27:30.75\00:27:33.99
and I know this is a way it says
00:27:34.02\00:27:35.21
I am in Christ and I
think that's a wonderful way
00:27:35.24\00:27:37.87
to help us increase our intimacy
00:27:37.90\00:27:40.05
in knowing the
heart of the Father
00:27:40.08\00:27:41.97
is to know how
special you are to Him.
00:27:42.00\00:27:44.43
Please don't forget that
God has a plan for your life
00:27:44.46\00:27:47.27
and its better than
the one your living,
00:27:47.30\00:27:49.43
it's better to
one I am living here.
00:27:49.46\00:27:51.30
So seek God's
heart and love His way.
00:27:51.33\00:27:55.18