Hello, I'm Shelley
Quinn and welcome again to
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Issues and Answers
Today our issue is going to be
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about assertiveness. Can we
be graciously assertive? Let me
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read to you a scripture that I
think goes really well with this
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program. It comes from 2 Timothy
chapter 1 and verse 7 and Paul
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wrote to Timothy and he said:
God did not give us a spirit of
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fear but of power and love and
a sound mind. That's what we're
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going to be talking about
today is gracious assertiveness.
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Our special guest is Jennifer
Schwirzer and Jennifer we thank
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you so much for coming back.
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It's great to be
here, great to be here.
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Now you are a Christian
psychologist and also you're the
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director of a ministry
called Michael Ministry from
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Philadelphia. I live
in Philadelphia, that's
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right. I operate my ministry out
of my house in Philadelphia and
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I have my counseling office
in my house in Philadelphia.
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Oh how I miss the days
of working out of my home.
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Oh I love it, I really love it.
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We're going to be hitting on
an issue today that's kind of
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probably going to hit me a
little bit square in the face
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because as I was just
sharing with you I can be a very
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assertive person if it has to do
with principle or with someone
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else's rights. But when it comes
to my own rights I'm not very
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assertive at all because
I'm a peacemaker. I don't like
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confrontation and I've got an
incredibly long fuse. When I go
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out and minister you know
you always try to minister from
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personal experience but when
you're ministering to someone
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about anger issues it's
difficult for me because it
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takes... You know, I always tell
them I'm speaking from theory
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now because I have such a long
fuse that it takes a whole lot
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to make me angry.
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You know what, I have the
opposite problem. I have a
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history I think genetically
inherited from my father who
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had a rage problem and also
environmentally inherited just
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witnessing him, you know,
handling conflict in that way.
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I adopted that into my own
life and struggled with that for
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years as a Christian. It's
largely in the past at this
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point but I would get in
the conflicted situation and I'd
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blow my stack. I remember my
daughter saying one time daddy
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had a short temper and I thought
why is she saying he had a short
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temper and then she looked at me
and she said and you had a long
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temper. So my kids know I really
struggled with this issue and a
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lot of my clients do too. They
do the same thing. They fail to
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assert themselves in the right
time and in the right way and
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then they end up setting
themselves up for frustration
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and they blow their
stack. Very common, very common.
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This is interesting. You know I
grew up in a very argumentative
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environment. It would be
interesting to know if I was
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always... My grandfather called
me the ambassador in the family
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because I was a peacemaker
from the time I was a child.
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You were always
trying to smooth things over.
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Always trying to smooth things
over. So I determined in my life
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that I don't want to live like
that and, praise the Lord, I
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married a man who is also a
peacemaker. People say that's
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not healthy for you that you
never argue but both of us feel
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that... As long as
you're not avoiding
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conflict. I do get concerned
when married couples don't argue
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at all because sometimes, not
always, but sometimes it means
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that they're just avoiding
the problem. But then there are
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some people with the temperament
of a peacemaker and they just
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get along. You know
for us, we're just so
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perfect... We're so perfectly
matched that I don't feel like
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there's anything that
either one of us is stuffing.
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Oh that's
awesome, that's awesome.
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So let's talk about this. Let's
talk about both angles of it;
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there's the lack of
assertiveness and then there are
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those who go beyond assertive
to being aggressive is the word.
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Do you agree that that's the
next stage is aggressiveness.
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And typically it's the same
person and they go through a
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cycle. It starts with a feeling
that it's wrong, somehow it's
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wrong to ask for me to ask for
my rights to be granted me or my
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desires to be granted me. It's
wrong to say that. I should just
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let other people have their
way all the time and then what
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happens is there's a withdrawal
from that relationship where I'm
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no longer really relating
to that person. I'm no longer
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present in the relationship.
I am somewhere else and I'm kind
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of viewing the relationship
through a lens. So I've
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withdrawn and then I
start to feel oppressed in the
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relationship because the person
isn't really connected to me,
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they're connected to a facade of
me and then that sets me up for
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an explosion of anger and then
I feel guilty that I lost my
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composure and then the cycle
starts all over again because
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I'm guilty and shamed and I
feel like I can't assert myself.
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So there are a number of people,
clients that I have had that
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I've had that cycle through that
over and over again and what I
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try to do is teach them. There's
a very specific method that I
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use that we're going to get to
a little bit later as to how to
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assert themselves in the
right time and in the right way.
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You threw me off. I'm sitting
here looking quizzical because
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you said typically it's the same
person. I see people that just
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seem aggressive and
assertive all the time.
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But you don't see them at home.
I mean passive people, you don't
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see those people at home.
Sometime the passive ones...
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You know the home life is what
really brings out who you really
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are. So sometimes you
don't see all of what's there.
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I see in my sister's life,
she and her husband are both
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incredibly
assertive and intense.
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How long have they been married?
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Almost 30 years. Okay, okay.
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They're doing something right.
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They must be. Okay now let's
talk about this guilt and anger
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cycle. Okay. Well
one of the questions
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we have to tackle in the context
of Christian counseling is do
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Christians have rights. You hear
people say Christians we don't
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have rights, human beings don't
have any rights and I agree with
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that up to a point. In the
context of our relationship to
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God we really don't have any
rights that are ours that have
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derived from us innately so
to speak. He grants us certain
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rights. They're God-given rights
but in terms of our relationship
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to him we don't have anything
that we can boast about before
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him or we can claim as our right
except one thing and that's our
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grave. That's the only thing
that we are entitled to before
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him. But that doesn't
mean that we don't have any
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Our grave? Our grave yes. The
wages of sin is death. That's
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the only thing we have coming
to us by rights that we are
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entitled to. But in the context
of our relationships with other
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people we do have rights and
that's where we need to make a
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very clear distinction. Because
perpetrators will use this
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notion that you don't have any
rights to perpetrate on their
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victims by trying to deprive
them of their rights in the
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context of a human relationship.
In the context of human
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relationships I do have rights.
They are God-give rights and so
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I need to learn the proper
way of asserting those rights.
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So let me back up and make sure
I understood what you just said.
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Let's do it by example.
For example when you're talking
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about the perpetrator will try
to tell... let's use an abusive
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husband will try to tell
the wife submit to you husband
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total submission and they're
taking a Bible verse and...
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twisting it out of context that
you have no rights. You've got
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to do what I said. I'm the head
of the household so you have to
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do everything I say the way
I said it and if I beat on you
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it's your fault, you deserve
it. That's right, that's right.
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Then there are parents who will
absolutely take away the child's
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idea that they have any right
to their own opinion. So what
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we're talking about here is
saying innately if we're looking
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to the Lord the only right
we can claim, as you said, the
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grave but God, what a
privilege it is to be his child,
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has given us all these rights
then we don't have to let people
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just walk over us and beat
us up and try to manipulate our
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mind. What we should be looking
to is in the word of God to know
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who we are and what God says.
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That's exactly right and what
happens to Christians is they
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run into difficulty here because
they feel that to assert their
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rights is contradictory to the
gospel or to the whole message
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of laying yourself down for the
good of others. But I maintain
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that there is a way of asserting
our rights that is not just a
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benefit to us but a benefit
to the person that we're being
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assertive with. So it isn't
a self-centered assertiveness.
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It is an others-centered
assertiveness. It's the best
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thing for us, it's the best
thing for them, and it's the
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best thing for the relationship.
So it is kind of a God-centered
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gospel-based form of
assertiveness. And what I find
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is that if it isn't a gospel-
based form of assertiveness
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what happens is people get
really egotistical or really
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puffed up and I'm going to
claim my rights and it lasts for
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awhile but they end up
alienating people, they end up
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as they are supposedly
maintaining their own rights
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they end up running rough shod
over the rights of other people.
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Give us an example of when
it would be right to assert
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yourself. Well
okay, good question. In an
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abusive situation. A wife
needs to recognize that merely
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overlooking the abuse
that's being brought upon her is
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harming the husband as much as
it's harming her and she needs
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to recognize that asserting
herself in that situation and
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laying down some healthy
boundaries is the best thing for
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everyone concerned and it's a
very Christ-centered thing to do
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In fact, it's very selfish to
fail to claim one's own rights
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in a relationship because what
you're doing is setting that
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person up for failure
in other relationships.
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You're conditioning them to
expect absolute submission and
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it's not a healthy thing.
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Let's take it out side of that.
There's many areas in our lives
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where things are being
superimposed upon us, if you
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would, and someone else
is imposing their will and
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sometimes it's contrary to
the will of God on us and in a
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relationship maybe because you
are afraid of confrontation you
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just have this tendency to
withdraw and let the bully get
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away with it. So how would you
counsel somebody to get out of
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that withdrawal syndrome?
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Well the first thing I would do
is I would establish with them
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that our example Jesus Christ
was very assertive. Most people
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don't realize that. They say
oh he went to the cross and they
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beat him and they tortured
him and he just let them do all
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these things but as I've studied
the passion, and I want to go
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through a few texts here. This
is so powerful. I mean, I get
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like chills when I think about
this because Jesus was the most
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present person in a relationship
He showed up for relationships.
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What happens when people
don't assert themselves is they
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withdraw from relationships and
the individual they're relating
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to is relating to a facade of
them. They're not really showing
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up for the relationship.
Jesus was very present in
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relationships and he was willing
to tell people who he was.
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For instance when you go
through the story of the passion
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you find over and over again
Jesus says things to the effect
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of I'm not here because I have
to be here. I'm here because I
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choose to be here. In other
words, I am not the victim. I'm
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here because this is God's will
for me and I choose to follow
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God's will. For instance Peter,
he said put your sword back, all
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who live by the sword will
die by the sword. Don't you know
00:12:04.09\00:12:06.60
that I could pray right now
and my father would send me more
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than 12 legions of angels.
But how would the scriptures be
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fulfilled that it must happen
thus. The cup that my Father has
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given me, shouldn't I drink it?
In other words, I'm following
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God's plan. I'm not here because
I have to be. It's not a lack of
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power. It's my choice that put
me here. Then you go on to Jesus
00:12:23.24\00:12:27.26
before Annas and they asked
him about his disciples and his
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doctrine we're told. He
said, You know I spoke openly.
00:12:31.32\00:12:33.87
I taught in the synagogues,
people witnessed what I taught.
00:12:33.91\00:12:37.80
Ask them what I said. And then
the attendant got very angry and
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slapped him and Jesus said to
the attendant, If I have spoken
00:12:41.48\00:12:44.93
evil tell me what the evil
is but if I haven't then why are
00:12:44.96\00:12:48.81
you slapping me? In other words,
he's continually confronting
00:12:48.84\00:12:52.33
them with what they're doing
to him and with who he is. He's
00:12:52.37\00:12:55.92
very present in the relationship
He is submitting to the abuse
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it's true but that was a
necessary part of laying down
00:12:59.50\00:13:02.46
his life for the salvation of
humanity. It was what he chose
00:13:02.49\00:13:06.12
to do at that time. But he
wasn't a victim in the midst of
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it. He said no one takes my life
from me. I lay it down of my own
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accord. Isn't that cool. Okay so
let's go on. Then he was before
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Caiaphas and Caiaphas says did
you say that you're the Son of
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man. And Jesus said, you have
said, I agree with you, he said,
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but hereafter you will see the
Son of Man coming on the right
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hand of power coming in the
clouds of glory. In other words,
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Do you know who I am, Caiaphas?
I'm the Messiah, I am God's Son
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and you're going to see me
coming in power. So he was, as
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I said before, present in the
relationship. He was not afraid
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to say who he was. And what
happens when people lack the
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appropriate kind of
assertiveness is they're afraid
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to say who they are. The wife
is afraid to say to the husband,
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Look I'm your wife. You're to
treat me in this way according
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to God's standard. You're to
love and cherish me. You know,
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we're afraid to do that because
we will get resistance from that
00:13:57.98\00:14:01.07
person and experience further
rejection. And then one more
00:14:01.11\00:14:04.81
example and then we'll go
into more detail, but Pilot; you
00:14:04.84\00:14:09.05
remember Pilot got very angry
and he said you know your own
00:14:09.08\00:14:12.71
nation has delivered you to me.
What have you done? And Jesus
00:14:12.75\00:14:16.04
said my kingdom is not of this
world. If my kingdom was of this
00:14:16.08\00:14:19.34
world then my servants
would fight. But I'm only here
00:14:19.37\00:14:23.96
because I've chosen not to fight
Then Pilot got very angry a
00:14:24.00\00:14:27.62
little while later and he said
don't you now that I have power
00:14:27.65\00:14:31.24
to crucify you or power to
release you and Jesus said you
00:14:31.27\00:14:34.13
would have no power at all
if it were not given to you from
00:14:34.17\00:14:38.13
above. So over and over again
he's telling people I am God's
00:14:38.16\00:14:41.86
Son, I am the Messiah, I have
all of heaven at my command.
00:14:41.90\00:14:45.53
I am here because I choose to be
here, not because I have to be
00:14:45.56\00:14:48.93
here. In other words, Jesus
told people who he really was.
00:14:48.97\00:14:53.60
And at the same time he
was absolutely totally humble.
00:14:53.64\00:14:58.20
He had the spirit of humility.
It wasn't that here I am look at
00:14:58.24\00:15:02.74
me. It was this is who I am. You
have your choice to accept me or
00:15:02.78\00:15:07.25
reject me and he was trying
to show them the truth. I think
00:15:07.29\00:15:13.46
especially for women that
there's a difference between
00:15:13.50\00:15:19.96
being assertive and aggressive.
Let's establish that because
00:15:20.00\00:15:24.10
there's this negative
connotation of a woman
00:15:24.14\00:15:26.69
who asserts
herself and sometimes
00:15:26.72\00:15:28.81
men will say well she's
aggressive and sometimes
00:15:28.84\00:15:31.76
women don't what the distinction
is between being aggressive and
00:15:31.79\00:15:35.77
being assertive so
let's establish that baseline.
00:15:35.81\00:15:39.77
It isn't just about women, but
it's true that women often get
00:15:39.80\00:15:43.64
labeled with negative
evaluations if they are
00:15:43.67\00:15:47.88
assertive. They're kind of in
some circles and some cultures
00:15:47.91\00:15:51.31
expected to be very kind of
submissive and meek and quiet
00:15:51.35\00:15:54.73
and invisible even. There's
a place for that. You know the
00:15:54.77\00:15:58.63
scriptures tell us that a meek
and quiet spirit is of great
00:15:58.66\00:16:02.23
price. So I don't want to
belittle that, but on the other
00:16:02.27\00:16:05.94
hand there's a boldness in the
Lord that God's daughters need
00:16:05.97\00:16:09.82
to have. What I do with my
clients that are struggling with
00:16:09.85\00:16:14.54
assertiveness issues is I teach
them a technique called RAD.
00:16:14.58\00:16:19.24
I like to use mnemonics because
mnemonics are easy to remember
00:16:19.27\00:16:22.14
and I keep them real simple like
three letters. So what RAD is
00:16:22.18\00:16:25.64
it's a protocol, it's a process
where you start out with the
00:16:25.68\00:16:29.11
most gentle form of
assertiveness, then you bring it
00:16:29.14\00:16:31.77
up a notch if that doesn't work
and then you bring it up to the
00:16:31.80\00:16:34.57
final form which is a
very demanding, very assertive
00:16:34.61\00:16:38.50
thing if the other two didn't
work. Usually the problem is
00:16:38.53\00:16:42.15
solved with the first step but
we don't bother with the first
00:16:42.19\00:16:45.75
step. Typically people like for
instance in a marriage will go
00:16:45.78\00:16:48.94
straight to the last step of
being very demanding. They won't
00:16:48.97\00:16:52.42
even try the more gentle forms
of assertiveness. So this is
00:16:52.46\00:16:57.40
what I try to help people
to develop. It's RAD, it's a
00:16:57.43\00:17:01.83
radical kind of gracious
assertiveness so it starts with
00:17:01.86\00:17:06.12
request. The first thing you
do is you ask for the person to
00:17:06.16\00:17:10.11
give you what you want. I mean
that sounds like sort of a duh
00:17:10.15\00:17:13.60
as we would say. But it's not
a duh because it's amazing how
00:17:13.63\00:17:16.90
many people don't do this.
It's amazing we don't do this.
00:17:16.94\00:17:20.40
We don't think of just asking
for things that we need or want
00:17:20.44\00:17:24.62
or even for our rights. I think
we can in certain situations ask
00:17:24.66\00:17:28.12
for our rights to be granted if
the person is overlooking them
00:17:28.16\00:17:32.16
accidentally or insensitively.
So the first think you do is you
00:17:32.20\00:17:36.05
just ask for what you want, what
you think you have coming. I can
00:17:36.08\00:17:39.90
think of one client who
was really troubled because her
00:17:39.93\00:17:43.41
husband was not providing
enough affection for her, he
00:17:43.44\00:17:46.85
wasn't physically affectionate.
It really made her feel bad and
00:17:46.89\00:17:49.86
she would get very demanding
with him, You should be more
00:17:49.90\00:17:52.99
loving to me. And it wasn't
working. I always ask is this
00:17:53.02\00:17:55.56
working, how well is this
working for you. And they say
00:17:55.60\00:17:58.22
no. Is it giving you what
you want. No it's not working.
00:17:58.26\00:18:00.82
So I said try just asking for it
She came back the next week and
00:18:00.85\00:18:04.41
she was like, This is great.
I asked him to kiss me and now
00:18:04.45\00:18:07.74
he's kissing me and it's just
awesome. But we don't think of
00:18:07.77\00:18:11.52
that so we start with just
requesting, just request, you
00:18:11.55\00:18:15.09
know, ask for it. Ask and you
shall receive. Then the second
00:18:15.12\00:18:19.49
step is appeal. If the request
doesn't work and it will not
00:18:19.52\00:18:23.47
always work, you appeal to the
person's conscience. You add a
00:18:23.51\00:18:27.04
little bit of pressure to
the mix. You tell them, you know
00:18:27.08\00:18:30.12
would you like it if I treated
you that way? Or would you like
00:18:30.16\00:18:33.68
it if I ignored you when you
walked in the door. You try to
00:18:33.71\00:18:36.67
to just appeal to their
conscience. Add a little bit of
00:18:36.71\00:18:39.82
guilt, not a lot but just a
little bit and see if that like
00:18:39.85\00:18:42.93
sort of wakes up their
conscience and then finally if
00:18:42.97\00:18:45.79
that doesn't work you use a
more demanding approach. So it's
00:18:45.83\00:18:49.72
Request, Appeal, Demand.
The third step is to demand and
00:18:49.75\00:18:53.15
there are times when we
will have to demand our rights.
00:18:53.19\00:18:56.52
In a work situation where the
boss is not being honest or not
00:18:56.55\00:19:00.06
giving us what he promised
or in a marriage situation where
00:19:00.09\00:19:03.54
our rights are being violated.
We will at times have to say
00:19:03.57\00:19:06.89
look if this doesn't change I'm
moving out or if this doesn't
00:19:06.93\00:19:09.92
change I'm going to seek other
employment. That is the last
00:19:09.95\00:19:13.22
resort though because typically
demanding something shuts a
00:19:13.26\00:19:16.99
person down emotionally. So we
want to only use that as a last
00:19:17.02\00:19:20.72
resort. So
request, appeal and demand.
00:19:20.75\00:19:23.75
There's an example coming to my
mind and I don't know that I can
00:19:23.79\00:19:26.97
even articulate this but let's
say that someone at work is a...
00:19:27.01\00:19:31.29
I think many people have worked
with someone like this. You work
00:19:31.33\00:19:34.94
with someone who's a glory
hog. For example, you've got all
00:19:34.97\00:19:38.86
these wonderful ideas and they
take credit for everything and
00:19:38.89\00:19:42.53
then that leaves the person,
if they never get credit for it,
00:19:42.56\00:19:45.93
especially if they're in the
corporate world they're never
00:19:45.97\00:19:49.63
going to be able to advance.
So instead of going in and
00:19:49.66\00:19:53.25
demanding and saying I need to
get the credit for this one, the
00:19:53.29\00:19:56.77
credit is due. What they should
do is go to their boss and say
00:19:56.81\00:20:00.25
you know I would like when
I put these together and stuff
00:20:00.29\00:20:06.34
when you present it,
if I could get the credit.
00:20:06.38\00:20:08.48
And you know Christians might
be prone to say well that would
00:20:08.52\00:20:11.80
be too proud. But if they're
really honest with themselves
00:20:11.84\00:20:14.68
they'll admit that it bothers
them that someone else is
00:20:14.72\00:20:17.49
getting the credit for what they
did. Here's the thing, Shelley,
00:20:17.53\00:20:20.71
is Jesus did say if someone
strikes you on one cheek turn
00:20:20.74\00:20:23.51
the other, offer him that cheek
as well. If he takes your coat
00:20:23.54\00:20:26.65
give him your cloak as well.
So there's a place for being
00:20:26.69\00:20:28.88
totally submissive. I'm not sure
though that Jesus was talking
00:20:28.92\00:20:32.52
about a close relationship there
If you're going to be working
00:20:32.56\00:20:36.41
closely with people there has
to be a certain equality in the
00:20:36.44\00:20:40.26
relationship. So there
is a place in an intimate
00:20:40.29\00:20:42.96
relationship where asking for
things just like that example
00:20:42.99\00:20:46.34
you just gave saying I really
need you to give me credit
00:20:46.38\00:20:49.39
because I would feel better
working for you if I knew you...
00:20:49.42\00:20:52.83
Well the appeal could be then if
that's not working, the appeal
00:20:52.87\00:20:57.43
could be I need some of these
things in my file so that I can
00:20:57.46\00:21:01.87
be considered for advancement
and promotion. I have seen so
00:21:01.90\00:21:05.48
many people... Now see that's
where I'll get assertive is
00:21:05.52\00:21:09.51
where I'll see somebody
within a corporate realm that is
00:21:09.55\00:21:13.11
trouncing on somebody else.
They're trying to keep... I've
00:21:13.14\00:21:16.20
worked with some people who
the people who worked for them I
00:21:16.23\00:21:19.49
don't know how they even did
it. But you'll see that you in a
00:21:19.53\00:21:22.96
group setting and somebody comes
up with the idea and even does
00:21:23.00\00:21:26.38
all the leg work on it and then
someone else presents it to the
00:21:26.42\00:21:29.86
top management as if it were
all their idea. I've even seen
00:21:29.89\00:21:33.84
who've been promoted and that
old Peter principle; they got
00:21:33.88\00:21:37.76
promoted beyond what was beyond
their own ability simply because
00:21:37.79\00:21:40.47
the ideas were never theirs,
they were from people under them
00:21:40.51\00:21:43.15
They knew how to steal thunder.
00:21:43.19\00:21:44.56
Steal thunder. So for me for
some reason I think that's very
00:21:44.59\00:21:48.71
important that people are
affirmed in that way plus it
00:21:48.74\00:21:52.41
helps them. Like I said,
this may not be a great example
00:21:52.44\00:21:55.75
particularly to try to air
here in just a few minutes.
00:21:55.78\00:21:59.02
Well here's a scripture that
might help and when I read this
00:21:59.06\00:22:02.29
just recently it just went like
stab right in my heart because
00:22:02.33\00:22:05.53
I was in the middle of a
situation in which I was not
00:22:05.56\00:22:07.96
getting credit for something
and it bothered me. I felt very
00:22:08.00\00:22:11.69
wounded by it but I never
got up the nerve to say anything
00:22:11.72\00:22:14.93
about it and then I read
this. When Jesus gave his first
00:22:14.97\00:22:18.41
scripture reading he read the
passage from Isaiah that says
00:22:18.45\00:22:21.39
the Spirit of the Lord God
is upon me because the Lord has
00:22:21.43\00:22:24.25
anointed me to preach glad
tidings to the meek, bind up the
00:22:24.29\00:22:27.43
broken hearted, set at liberty
them that are bound, to proclaim
00:22:27.47\00:22:30.60
the acceptable year of the Lord,
just this wonderful description
00:22:30.63\00:22:34.30
of the Messiah and his mission.
He finished reading that passage
00:22:34.34\00:22:37.80
and we're told that he closed
the scroll and handed it back to
00:22:37.83\00:22:41.59
the attendant and that all eyes
were upon him. Now I can just
00:22:41.62\00:22:45.90
imagine the tension in the
air when Jesus read that. People
00:22:45.93\00:22:50.45
somehow sensing that the very
fulfillment of those prophecies
00:22:50.48\00:22:54.41
was reading them out of the
scroll and the tension in the
00:22:54.45\00:22:58.42
air in that moment, all eyes
upon him and then he said to the
00:22:58.46\00:23:02.40
people, and the air is
dead silent, he said today this
00:23:02.43\00:23:05.41
scripture is fulfilled in your
ears. When I read that, Shelley,
00:23:05.44\00:23:08.27
I just said Jesus was not
afraid to say who he was. That's
00:23:08.31\00:23:11.88
assertiveness, that's gracious
assertiveness. It's for their
00:23:11.91\00:23:15.37
good to know who he is.
Sometimes it's for people's good
00:23:15.41\00:23:18.80
to know the role we have served
in their lives and we need to
00:23:18.83\00:23:22.55
just ask them for
proper recognition.
00:23:22.58\00:23:24.63
I don't want people to get the
wrong idea because I used that
00:23:24.67\00:23:28.44
example because I don't think
it's important that we all get
00:23:28.48\00:23:32.35
credit for what we do. There are
times though when somebody is
00:23:32.39\00:23:35.67
being stepped on and that was
just one example but there are
00:23:35.71\00:23:38.96
times when something is
repeatedly happening that
00:23:39.00\00:23:42.23
whatever it is we need to first
go to them and request that this
00:23:42.27\00:23:47.06
behavior stop. If they
don't we need to appeal to them
00:23:47.09\00:23:50.29
explaining what our reason
is and how would they feel if
00:23:50.32\00:23:53.45
this was happening to them and
then third is to make a gracious
00:23:53.48\00:23:57.83
demand saying that
this is not acceptable.
00:23:57.86\00:24:00.57
That's right. This would be the
consequence if this need isn't
00:24:00.61\00:24:03.35
filled. That's excellent. You
have really grasped this thing.
00:24:03.39\00:24:08.35
I get an A. We've just got a
few minutes left. Tell us how to
00:24:08.39\00:24:13.39
make a gracious demand because
we're talking about being as
00:24:13.43\00:24:17.48
Christians graciously assertive.
We don't want this to be
00:24:17.51\00:24:21.50
something that we're going out
and it's me, me, me, or I, I, I.
00:24:21.53\00:24:24.74
But how can you be
graciously assertive?
00:24:24.78\00:24:27.48
First step we need to deal
with our own wrong ideas about
00:24:27.52\00:24:30.47
assertiveness. Sometimes we're
afraid of making people angry
00:24:30.50\00:24:33.49
or we assume that they'll become
angry. We need to deal with our
00:24:33.52\00:24:36.47
own thinking. They won't
necessarily become angry.
00:24:36.51\00:24:39.16
We also need to deal with
the fear of hurting people.
00:24:39.19\00:24:41.78
Sometimes hurt is a good thing.
We shouldn't be so concerned or
00:24:41.81\00:24:45.97
so protective towards
other people's feelings that we
00:24:46.01\00:24:49.27
withhold what they really need
which is kind of a revelation of
00:24:49.30\00:24:52.47
what's going on with us. And
then another thing that is an
00:24:52.51\00:24:56.26
idol for many is the desire to
be popular. Being popular isn't
00:24:56.29\00:25:00.02
all it's cracked up to be. Jesus
said beware when all men speak
00:25:00.06\00:25:03.76
well of you. So a little
unpopularity is actually a good
00:25:03.79\00:25:07.01
sign. So we need to first deal
with our own thinking. But then
00:25:07.05\00:25:09.69
what I'd recommend in terms of
dealing directly with a person
00:25:09.72\00:25:12.83
in a tense situation is to
make a sandwich. Begin with an
00:25:12.87\00:25:15.90
affirmation. This is what I love
about working with you or this
00:25:15.94\00:25:19.32
is what I love about being
married to you. These are your
00:25:19.36\00:25:22.03
good qualities. Then you put the
tough stuff in the middle and
00:25:22.07\00:25:25.30
then you end with another
soft piece of bread so to speak.
00:25:25.33\00:25:28.49
Something that's affirming and
kind and gives them a sense that
00:25:28.52\00:25:32.83
there's good there, you're not
condemning them, you don't have
00:25:32.87\00:25:37.08
contempt for them. Give them
a definite sense of this is what
00:25:37.12\00:25:40.69
you would need to do to fix this
situation for me. Don't just
00:25:40.73\00:25:44.04
condemn them for what they're
doing but give them definite
00:25:44.07\00:25:47.57
concrete goals that they
can achieve that will better the
00:25:47.61\00:25:51.08
situation. To me
there's nothing worse than
00:25:51.11\00:25:55.31
a demanding person. So when you
meet someone that's constantly
00:25:55.34\00:26:00.24
have to have it their way, we're
not trying to set that example
00:26:00.28\00:26:04.74
up here. But what we're saying
is that there are times when
00:26:04.78\00:26:08.93
you see principles being
violated that are very important
00:26:08.97\00:26:13.06
Christian principles, that there
are times to stand up whether it
00:26:13.09\00:26:17.17
is something that has to do with
self or with your children or in
00:26:17.21\00:26:21.51
your work place, there are times
to stand up and say I need...
00:26:21.54\00:26:26.44
this is not right, here's what
I would like. That's the request
00:26:26.48\00:26:30.99
then there's the appeal and then
the demand is by saying however
00:26:31.03\00:26:35.51
you said, sandwich it to
go in there and it's not being
00:26:35.54\00:26:38.72
demanding but it is saying this
is unacceptable. Here is what is
00:26:38.75\00:26:43.37
acceptable and
therein lies the demand.
00:26:43.41\00:26:45.74
That's good. I can tell you've
dealt with a lot of these types
00:26:45.78\00:26:49.08
of situations and you've grasped
right onto them. It's affirming
00:26:49.11\00:26:52.39
to me because I sort of came up
with this idea because it works.
00:26:52.43\00:26:55.67
But, yeah I think it's helpful.
00:26:55.70\00:26:57.07
I like the RAD.
Request, Appeal, Demand.
00:26:57.10\00:27:00.57
So thank you so much, Jennifer.
Our time just flies by when
00:27:00.60\00:27:04.51
your here. This is good. Thank
you for coming and we want to
00:27:04.55\00:27:08.42
have you come back
again. Sounds good.
00:27:08.46\00:27:10.19
For those of you at home, I hope
that you don't take anything
00:27:10.23\00:27:13.54
out of context that we said
today because we're not trying
00:27:13.58\00:27:16.86
to make you a demanding
Christian that has to have
00:27:16.90\00:27:19.73
your way, but rather to learn
to accept that spirit of power,
00:27:19.76\00:27:24.20
love and self-discipline and
know when to stand up for the
00:27:24.24\00:27:27.93
principles of God's word.
What's right and what should be
00:27:27.97\00:27:32.08
happening. Remember request,
appeal and then a gracious
00:27:32.12\00:27:36.77
demand so that you have those
stages up and you can bring
00:27:36.80\00:27:42.20
into the picture the reality
that God wants there to be.
00:27:42.23\00:27:47.56
Now I pray that the love of the
Father, the grace of our Lord
00:27:47.60\00:27:52.26
Jesus Christ and the fellowship
00:27:52.30\00:27:53.99
of the Holy Spirit will be
with you throughout the day.
00:27:54.03\00:27:56.88