Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn.
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Welcome again to
Issues and Answers.
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We want to encourage all of
you to stay tuned if you are a
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parent, or grand
parent, or if you're a teacher,
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or someone who's
working with young people.
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We're going to be talking
today about how you could know
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some of the answers that
you need to give to these young
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people when it comes to
sex outside of marriage.
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And in today's world, I'll tell
you, we all need to know how to
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have these conversations
with our young people.
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And, of course, the scripture
that comes to my mind is from
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Proverbs 22:6 that says, Train
up a child in the way he should
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go and when he is old,
he will not depart from it.
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I'm very pleased to welcome
back today Pastor Dustin Hall,
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and Pastor Hall you have written
a very amazing book, may I say,
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and this book has a
rather strange title to it,
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but I'm getting
used to this title.
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But the content of
the book is incredible.
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The book is "The Gospel of Sex,
Dating, Relating, and Mating".
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So how do we as parents... when
should we start talking to our
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children about dating, relating,
and particularly mating?
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My daughter is
eighteen months old,
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and I've already
begun the discussions.
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How do you talk to an eighteen
month old about such a thing?
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Of course, she
doesn't understand,
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but the point of that is that
the earlier that we begin to
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talk to our
children about these issues
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the more comfortable it becomes.
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A lot of parents get so
nervous, and so uncomfortable
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around their children
talking about these things
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that often they don't.
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So it's so important that we
begin to establish those kinds
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of conversations early on in the
life of a child so it becomes
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like second nature.
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And, of course, you keep the
conversations age appropriate.
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It's very important to do that.
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You know, if you're speaking
to an eight year old you start
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talking about
good touch, bad touch.
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Who's able to help
you go to the bathroom?
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You know, those kinds of issues.
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Who has the right to your body?
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Who doesn't have a
right to your body?
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The doctor has a
right to your body.
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Those kinds of conversations.
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And then as they grow
older the hygiene issues,
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and those kinds of things.
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And once you begin
talking about those topics,
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when they get a little bit older
and sexual issues start coming
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up in their lives, puberty,
and those kinds of things,
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the conversation is
just like second nature
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because you've been addressing
those issues for a long time.
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Amen. So it's very
important to start early.
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You know, your book
is about sexual purity,
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about waiting until marriage
to enjoy the gift of sex.
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And what you're talking
about really resonates with me,
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Dustin, because my mother...
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I've heard people say, Well,
I don't want to talk to my kids
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about this because
the more you talk to them
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the more curious they'll become.
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Well, let me tell you something,
kids are curious anyway.
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And my mother always
taught me, you know, she'd say,
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Whatever you've heard at school,
come home and talk to me about.
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You can ask me any
question that you want.
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And she was very open
with me, and it was amazing,
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I can look back now, and
I'm amazed at some of the things
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that I heard at a very early
age, and how I could come talk
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with my mother, and she would
tell me very straight forward.
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And she always made sex
to be something very special,
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very beautiful, to be
reserved for marriage.
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And she always made it sound
somehow, if it was outside of
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marriage it was dirty and nasty,
and not quite so fulfilling,
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you know? Sure.
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And so that really helped
me though because rather than
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peaking my curiosity,
she satisfied my curiosity.
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But now some parents have a lot
of difficulty in the thought of
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talking to their children
about sexual purity because
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they've got a
history themselves,
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and they weren't
sexually pure. Yeah.
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What I say to parents about
that is, If you burned your
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parents house down because you
played with matches as a child,
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does that disqualify
you from telling your child
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not to play with
matches? That's good!
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You know, it
probably qualifies you more.
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It gives you an
experience to be able to share,
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Hey, I made a
horrible decision in my past.
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I've learned
from the consequences.
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Here's why you
shouldn't do that in your life.
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And, you know, just because
you've made a mistake in your
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past, doesn't disqualify you
from helping your child reach
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a goal or to set a
standard in their life.
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If you don't set the standard as
a parent, the world's going to
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set the standard,
and that's dangerous.
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And let me say
also, some parents say,
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Well, it's too late,
my child's past the age.
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They probably
already had experience.
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It's never too late because your
children want you as a parent
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to set a standard for
them that they can live up to.
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That's what children thrive on.
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You know, Dustin, when
I first read this book,
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I was very impressed, number
one, with what you've written,
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and it's very Biblically
oriented, but it's also,
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it's just practical,
good practical advice.
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Now the thing that pleases
me is that you are a young man.
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I was very pleased to see that.
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But you're also... you've been
married for three years now?
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Yes. And you're pastoring
three churches. Yes, Mam.
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And I'm not going to ask
you if you practiced everything
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you preached in here, but I
will say that God has given you
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a great deal of wisdom.
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And I want to ask you a
question that I've asked
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in the two previous programs.
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I'd like for someone today
to know, that may not have seen
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it before. Why did
you write this book?
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Well, I grew up in a Christian
church, and nobody told me
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about these issues.
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Nobody talked to
me about these things.
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And about two, three years ago
I was going into public school
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classrooms
addressing these very topics.
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And as I was putting together
that curriculum, I sat back
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and I remembered my childhood
growing up in a Christian
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church, and I remembered nobody
ever addressed these things
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with me. And I realized
that if that was my experience,
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that's probably the experience
of a whole lot of other young
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Christian people as well.
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And we as a church,
we need to be informed.
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I think a lot of pastors, and
a lot of parents don't address
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these things because
they just don't know how,
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and they don't
know the information.
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So if we can get the information
out there, and you talked about
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being open and
honest about these things,
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we can be open about them
without being silly and stupid
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about them. And so it's
important that we're open
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and honest without making it
a mockery, and making it silly.
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But yet we have to be
open or else our children,
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like I didn't, are never
going to get this information.
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Alright, you have a three year
old daughter and a seven week
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old son. I have an
eighteen month old daughter,
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and a seven week old son.
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Excuse me, yes. You've
been married for three years.
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You have an eighteen month
old daughter and a seven week
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old son. When you're going to
be open and honest, obviously,
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with your children, when
they get at a certain age,
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are you going to discuss
with them, as some parents,
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I mean every parent
faces this challenge.
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Even if I'm telling my child
honestly what the Bible says
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about waiting for
marriage, the benefits of it,
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no matter how much I tell
my child, some parents say,
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Kids are going to be kids.
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I'm going to talk to
them about protected sex,
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about how not to get pregnant,
taking the pill, taking the shot
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for the human papilloma virus.
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What are you going to do,
Dustin, when your children reach
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that age? I can't
set two standards.
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I have to set one standard.
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If I tell my child, Don't
have sex until you're married.
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But if you do, the minute I say,
But if you do, the whole message
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of abstinence is out the window.
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Now they're only hearing, well,
Mom and Dad are expecting me
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not to live up to that
standard of abstinence,
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so I'm free to
do whatever I want.
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It's like driving a car,
like we talked about before,
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in the mustang. If I buy
you a new Mustang and I say,
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Don't ever go
over the speed limit.
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Don't ever drive this
thing over the speed limit,
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and you'll never get in
an accident, never get hurt,
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never cause a
problem for yourself.
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Or, if you do go over the speed
limit make sure you wear your
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seatbelt. Which one
are you going to pick?
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You're going to drive that
Mustang as fast as it will go
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as much as you want,
because we're human beings.
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We want to pick the
least restrictive message.
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And I hear though, I hear a
parent out there who's facing
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this. Maybe their child's
like 11 years old, 12 years old,
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and they know that they're
getting close to facing this
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conversation, and
they're saying, But please,
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people make mistakes.
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I, my parents only set one
standard for me, and I didn't.
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You know, I made a mistake.
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Help a parent here. I
mean, you just say flat never
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ever tell them about anything
to do with birth control, or...
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Well, the way that I
have presented that to health
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teachers in public
school classrooms is I say,
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Tell them about
contraception inside marriage.
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Someday when you're married
you might want to know, How do
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I enjoy a sexual relationship
without getting pregnant?
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Ho ho, this is
good! I'm glad I asked.
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And so, you know, when you're
in the marriage relationship
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someday, you might want some
options about how to know how to
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enjoy a sexual relationship
without getting pregnant.
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And so then you might be able to
address that inside the marriage
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relationship, but you
never, never, never say,
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but if you choose to have a
sexual relationship outside of
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marriage, make sure you
use that, because you, again,
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you're throwing the whole
abstinence message right out
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the window because
you're setting two standards.
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One is a whole lot less, is not
quite as high as the abstinence,
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and kids are going to live
up to the standard that you give
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them. They want to do that.
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They want to
please their parents.
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And here's the thing, God sets
the standard right here in His
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Word. Amen!
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And we often choose not to live
up to that standard, don't we?
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And so, you know, God,
if we take God's example,
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He sets a high standard for us.
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But as human beings
sometimes we make bad decisions,
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and we don't always
live up to His standards.
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You know, I'm sitting
here thinking, even as a parent
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the influence that the parents
have, and we discussed this
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in an earlier program, that a
survey was done, and they found
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that out of friends,
television, or whatever, movies,
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and parents, parents still
had the most influence over
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teenagers. Now, as a parent its
important, is it not, to monitor
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that television, and music,
and talk to your kids about
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the messages that are coming
through, which are so incredibly
00:10:58.52\00:11:05.27
distorted? The message in
music, and in TV, and movies
00:11:05.30\00:11:10.38
today about sex...
00:11:10.41\00:11:11.44
Let me give you a statistic, and
you may tip over in your chair.
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By the age of five a child has
spent more time in front of the
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television than they will
spend talking to their father
00:11:19.93\00:11:22.20
in a lifetime. My goodness!
00:11:22.23\00:11:24.65
The average American will spend
ten interrupted years in front
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of the television
in their lifetime.
00:11:29.52\00:11:31.17
On mercy, what a
waste; ten years!
00:11:31.20\00:11:32.64
Ten years! Oh mercy!
00:11:32.67\00:11:34.05
And so if we aren't talking to
our children about what they are
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seeing, and we're not
turning off the television,
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and we're allowing all
these messages to bombard our
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children, we as parents, if
there is music that you don't
00:11:44.22\00:11:47.29
approve of, get
it out of your house.
00:11:47.32\00:11:49.11
You're the parent!
00:11:49.14\00:11:50.82
You know, a lot of parents
say, Well, I have to be a friend
00:11:50.85\00:11:53.37
to my child. Oh no!
00:11:53.40\00:11:54.59
I want to be the... When
you signed up to be a parent,
00:11:54.62\00:11:56.74
you don't sign up to be a
friend, you signed up to be
00:11:56.77\00:11:58.84
a parent. And sometimes
that means your children are not
00:11:58.87\00:12:02.09
going to like you very well.
00:12:02.12\00:12:03.41
But you know, at the same time,
I know that I was talking with
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a young lady, advising her from
scripture, and she said to me,
00:12:07.26\00:12:11.18
She said, My father doesn't love
me enough to set boundaries.
00:12:11.21\00:12:14.78
And I thought, I mean it was
incredible because I was telling
00:12:14.81\00:12:19.36
her the boundaries of God's
Word and she just flat came out
00:12:19.39\00:12:22.06
and said, My father doesn't love
me enough to set boundaries.
00:12:22.09\00:12:25.15
Kids like to have boundaries.
00:12:25.18\00:12:26.25
They sure do. They sure do.
00:12:26.28\00:12:27.46
But now let's say that
your daughter comes to you
00:12:27.49\00:12:31.31
and she says, Daddy, I
know I'm nineteen years old now,
00:12:31.34\00:12:36.36
I'm a sophomore in college, and
I know you've always taught me
00:12:36.39\00:12:40.41
to live pure and not to
have sex outside of marriage,
00:12:40.44\00:12:44.78
but you know that Bobby
and I are very madly in love,
00:12:44.81\00:12:50.62
and we really do want to, we're
planning on getting married,
00:12:50.65\00:12:54.69
but he just doesn't want to
get married until we graduate
00:12:54.72\00:12:56.81
from college. So Daddy,
we're going to move in together.
00:12:56.84\00:12:59.63
What do you say?
00:12:59.66\00:13:00.93
I'd say, Do you want to
throw a huge speed bump to your
00:13:00.96\00:13:05.15
marriage when you are,
when you do finally get married?
00:13:05.18\00:13:08.02
And I would share with her the
statistic that people that live
00:13:08.05\00:13:10.57
together before they're married
have a 50% higher divorce rate
00:13:10.60\00:13:13.45
than people that don't live
together before they're married.
00:13:13.48\00:13:16.02
I believe that the reason being
that people that live together
00:13:16.05\00:13:21.07
before they're married,
they do the things that married
00:13:21.10\00:13:23.08
people do; they live
together, they eat together,
00:13:23.11\00:13:25.22
they pay the bills
together, they sleep together,
00:13:25.25\00:13:29.21
and so when they do get married
it just becomes a formality.
00:13:29.24\00:13:33.24
But yet they take that
same mind-set into marriage.
00:13:33.27\00:13:36.09
I do marriage counseling with
people, and I have told people,
00:13:36.12\00:13:39.65
if they're living together,
I will not marry you unless you
00:13:39.68\00:13:42.71
move out and live apart
for at least six months.
00:13:42.74\00:13:45.57
Because I believe it's so
important that you establish
00:13:45.60\00:13:49.45
who you are in God's
eyes, who God wants you to be
00:13:49.48\00:13:53.66
before you start to add anybody
permanently to your life.
00:13:53.69\00:13:57.14
That's wonderful!
I agree with that.
00:13:57.17\00:13:58.66
It's important to... I
call it the identity crisis.
00:13:58.69\00:14:01.41
If we don't know who we are
in Christ then we do have an
00:14:01.44\00:14:04.35
identity crisis. And let
me address something else.
00:14:04.38\00:14:06.72
In our churches, this gets
under my skin a little bit,
00:14:06.75\00:14:10.71
in our churches when we have a
single adult, so often we think,
00:14:10.74\00:14:14.26
Well, we've got to
set that person up.
00:14:14.29\00:14:16.11
Oh yeah, we're
all guilty of that.
00:14:16.14\00:14:17.84
We've got to set that person up
with somebody. We're all guilty.
00:14:17.87\00:14:19.40
But instead we should be saying,
Let me help you find out who God
00:14:19.43\00:14:23.94
wants you to be. Let's
find out your identity.
00:14:23.97\00:14:26.86
Let's get them involved in
the church using their spiritual
00:14:26.89\00:14:29.76
gifts. Let's not worry about
relationships for that person,
00:14:29.79\00:14:32.62
because if they're giving their
all headed toward who God wants
00:14:32.65\00:14:35.74
them to be, and their
goals and dreams on this earth,
00:14:35.77\00:14:39.40
and they start to look around
while they're pursuing these
00:14:39.43\00:14:42.26
things, chances are they
will find somebody while they're
00:14:42.29\00:14:44.87
in pursuit of those goals and
dreams, because they'll start
00:14:44.90\00:14:47.63
to look around and they'll
think, Hey, he's attractive!
00:14:47.66\00:14:50.76
Hey, he's got the same ideas,
and values, and dreams that I
00:14:50.79\00:14:54.27
have rather than saying, Okay,
this guy's single in this pew,
00:14:54.30\00:14:57.93
this girl's single in this
pew, let's put them together.
00:14:57.96\00:15:00.55
Yeah, that's good. You know,
I'm thinking that, as I said,
00:15:00.58\00:15:05.52
we're all guilty of that,
but I wanted to touch again
00:15:05.55\00:15:08.56
on the goals issue, because you
brought something out in your
00:15:08.59\00:15:12.75
book that I'd really
never thought about before,
00:15:12.78\00:15:15.96
at least not in the
way you articulated it,
00:15:15.99\00:15:18.90
and that is that becoming
involved in a relationship
00:15:18.93\00:15:22.36
too soon interrupts those goals.
00:15:22.39\00:15:25.22
And that's something that can
change the course of your life.
00:15:25.25\00:15:29.52
It sure can! Every decision
that we make has a bearing
00:15:29.55\00:15:32.57
on our future. That's
just the way that life works.
00:15:32.60\00:15:35.43
And, for instance, if I
want to win a marathon someday,
00:15:35.46\00:15:39.34
I can't eat dozens of
Krispy Kreme donuts everyday.
00:15:39.37\00:15:42.04
If I want to be a doctor, or
I want to be a rocket scientist
00:15:42.07\00:15:46.56
someday, I'd better not sit in
my room and play Xbox all day.
00:15:46.59\00:15:50.17
You know, I need to study.
00:15:50.20\00:15:51.59
There are things that we
can do that will help us attain
00:15:51.62\00:15:54.15
our goals and our dreams.
00:15:54.18\00:15:55.30
And there are things that
we can do that will hurt us
00:15:55.33\00:15:57.64
from reaching our
goals and our dreams,
00:15:57.67\00:15:58.94
or will prevent us from reaching
our goals and our dreams.
00:15:58.97\00:16:01.30
So its so important that
we're are making every decision
00:16:01.33\00:16:03.89
with our goal and our dream in
mind, keeping our goal in sight.
00:16:03.92\00:16:07.71
And a relationship can come
in and can be such an obstacle
00:16:07.74\00:16:11.97
to me reaching my
goal and my dream.
00:16:12.00\00:16:13.87
You know, many people want
to go to college for this major,
00:16:13.90\00:16:17.21
but then they get
in a relationship,
00:16:17.24\00:16:18.78
and Oh, I want to be a doctor.
00:16:18.81\00:16:21.20
So I go out to California to
school, but she wants to be a
00:16:21.23\00:16:24.87
a biologist, so she wants
to go to a Florida school.
00:16:24.90\00:16:27.88
But, Oh, I can't
imagine being apart.
00:16:27.91\00:16:30.04
And so one person has to forsake
their goal and their dream
00:16:30.07\00:16:34.16
to be together. And, really,
what happens is many times
00:16:34.19\00:16:38.35
these people find out that they
weren't meant to be together
00:16:38.38\00:16:40.83
anyway, so they've forsaken
these goals or these dreams
00:16:40.86\00:16:44.49
for somebody that
they're not meant to be with
00:16:44.52\00:16:46.34
in the first place!
00:16:46.37\00:16:47.40
You're talking to someone who
can actually say from personal
00:16:47.43\00:16:52.13
experience, I
fell into that trap.
00:16:52.16\00:16:54.05
And so I changed my major,
and changed my life, I think,
00:16:54.08\00:16:57.45
for that very reason.
00:16:57.48\00:16:58.54
Now let's back up for
just a moment and talk to...
00:16:58.57\00:17:02.25
If my child comes to me and
says, Mom, I know I shouldn't be
00:17:02.28\00:17:11.24
having sex, but we are
doing some other stuff that's,
00:17:11.27\00:17:18.39
you know, makes us feel good,
but I don't want you to worry
00:17:18.42\00:17:23.36
because I've heard the
message and I'm not going to
00:17:23.39\00:17:26.81
go all the way.
00:17:26.84\00:17:27.94
What would you say to
young people, or to parents?
00:17:27.97\00:17:32.15
How do you talk to
your child about abstinence,
00:17:32.18\00:17:35.10
not being just the physical
intercourse, but what else
00:17:35.13\00:17:39.85
would you include in that?
00:17:39.88\00:17:40.91
Well, I'm pretty blunt
when I talk to young people
00:17:40.94\00:17:44.25
because I think young
people want you to be honest.
00:17:44.28\00:17:46.79
And the way that I answer
that is, Let's ask the STDs.
00:17:46.82\00:17:50.93
They're called
sexually transmitted diseases:
00:17:50.96\00:17:54.18
HPV, human papilloma virus,
and most of the other very
00:17:54.21\00:18:00.82
prominent, herpes, you know,
HIV, can not only be spread
00:18:00.85\00:18:04.59
through sexual intercourse,
they can be spread through
00:18:04.62\00:18:07.34
skin to skin contact, touch,
oral sex, some of these other
00:18:07.37\00:18:12.14
activities that people say that
they can do and not lose purity
00:18:12.17\00:18:15.21
or virginity. So, okay,
say someone goes though life
00:18:15.24\00:18:18.46
and doesn't have sexual
intercourse, as someone might
00:18:18.49\00:18:21.37
think of it, and they get to
their wedding day and they say,
00:18:21.40\00:18:23.74
Honey, I saved myself for you!
00:18:23.77\00:18:25.01
Except I have gonorrhea!
00:18:25.04\00:18:26.97
Except I have
herpes! Except I have HPV!
00:18:27.00\00:18:28.59
It doesn't work! They're called
sexual transmitted diseases
00:18:29.85\00:18:32.72
because they're
transmitted sexually.
00:18:32.75\00:18:34.48
And so any activity: oral sex,
touching, that has an effect
00:18:34.51\00:18:40.19
on your purity
and your virginity.
00:18:40.22\00:18:42.03
Well, and you know, I
mean we have to, now bring,
00:18:42.06\00:18:45.84
I mean we're probably
shocking, and I apologize.
00:18:45.87\00:18:48.63
I hope you're not
being shocked by this.
00:18:48.66\00:18:51.07
It's time that we
"talked turkey", if you will,
00:18:51.10\00:18:54.36
with the young people, and with
parents that have to be equipped
00:18:54.39\00:18:58.18
to talk to their youth who are
living in an era when things are
00:18:58.21\00:19:05.40
just so upside down
and distorted; the message.
00:19:05.43\00:19:08.57
It doesn't matter if you listen
to anything that's popular
00:19:08.61\00:19:13.05
that's not Christian, secular
popular music, you look at any
00:19:13.08\00:19:17.85
thirty minute sitcom, I
mean, they're all about sex.
00:19:17.88\00:19:22.01
There's no use even
sitting down to watch it.
00:19:22.04\00:19:24.09
It's all got this sexual
undertone, or the sexual acts.
00:19:24.12\00:19:26.82
The programs that are targeting
teens are all about sex!
00:19:26.85\00:19:31.35
And what's going on in
high schools and junior highs,
00:19:31.38\00:19:33.73
and I was sharing something
with the good pastor here
00:19:33.76\00:19:36.50
before we started, even
in grade schools is shocking.
00:19:36.53\00:19:39.24
So I hope you're not being
offended by what we're talking
00:19:39.27\00:19:43.91
about, but when you're talking
about these other things,
00:19:43.94\00:19:47.25
other than going "all the way",
as we used to say in my day,
00:19:47.28\00:19:51.27
the Bible's very clear
about these things, is it not?
00:19:51.30\00:19:55.00
Yeah, it sure is. And let
me back up for just a second.
00:19:55.03\00:19:57.66
I was recently at a youth
retreat, and I was speaking
00:19:57.69\00:20:00.21
in the very same way that I
am with the young people there,
00:20:00.25\00:20:03.81
and many of them when I was
done with my week long talks,
00:20:03.85\00:20:07.38
they came up to me
and said, Thank you!
00:20:07.41\00:20:09.49
No one has ever been that honest
and been that straight forward
00:20:09.52\00:20:12.65
about these issues
with us. Thank you.
00:20:12.68\00:20:14.64
And many of them said, I'm going
to change my life because you're
00:20:14.67\00:20:17.16
so honest and open
with me about these issues.
00:20:17.19\00:20:19.57
Praise God! And it's time,
like you said, that we just be
00:20:19.60\00:20:23.31
open and honest. Let's not start
just brushing it under the rug,
00:20:23.34\00:20:27.91
or believing that our children
aren't involved in these things.
00:20:27.94\00:20:30.50
Because, like we've been saying,
we have to set the standard
00:20:30.53\00:20:33.34
ahead of time so they know what
to expect, and they know how to
00:20:33.37\00:20:36.12
overcome these temptations.
00:20:36.15\00:20:37.54
But throughout the
Bible; Exodus, Leviticus,
00:20:37.58\00:20:40.47
1 Corinthians, Ephesians,
it deals with sexual issues,
00:20:40.50\00:20:44.36
and it deals with fornication,
and sexual impurity.
00:20:44.40\00:20:48.22
And what is fornication?
00:20:48.25\00:20:49.30
Fornication is
any sexual contact
00:20:49.34\00:20:51.59
outside the marriage bed.
00:20:51.62\00:20:53.85
And that is not just the
full consummation of the act.
00:20:53.88\00:20:58.18
That is the touching
as well as fornication.
00:20:58.21\00:21:01.05
You know, I tell some young
people that they shouldn't even
00:21:01.09\00:21:04.99
hug the opposite sex, because
for some young people that's
00:21:05.03\00:21:08.90
a temptation, and
they become excited.
00:21:08.93\00:21:11.66
Hormones rage and things,
and they can't keep their
00:21:11.70\00:21:15.22
mind in a pure place.
00:21:15.26\00:21:16.60
And I even tell young girls
that they should be careful
00:21:16.64\00:21:20.18
and modest in their dress
because boys are very visual,
00:21:20.22\00:21:23.69
and a young girl who's showing
more of her body than she should
00:21:23.73\00:21:27.20
can excite a young boy, and it's
very physically stimulating.
00:21:27.24\00:21:31.69
And I always tell young women
that they are responsible for
00:21:31.73\00:21:36.15
the thoughts of young men
if they're dressing themselves
00:21:36.18\00:21:40.28
in a way that they
know is inappropriate
00:21:40.31\00:21:42.50
and is revealing too much.
00:21:42.53\00:21:43.83
They're partly responsible
for where his mind goes.
00:21:43.86\00:21:46.39
And conversely a young man
could have those thoughts about
00:21:46.42\00:21:49.96
someone who was dressed
appropriately. Sure, absolutely.
00:21:49.99\00:21:53.50
And they're not
responsible. That's right. So...
00:21:53.53\00:21:54.66
Alright, if I'm a young person
and listening to this program,
00:21:54.70\00:21:59.30
or if I'm a parent (we're hoping
that parents are tuning in),
00:21:59.34\00:22:03.02
and I'm going to say, I need to
be able to talk to my children
00:22:03.05\00:22:06.70
about the definition of
true love versus infatuation.
00:22:06.73\00:22:10.66
When is it okay to
have a relationship?
00:22:10.70\00:22:14.30
You know, I remember I
was allowed to start dating
00:22:14.33\00:22:17.41
at the age of sixteen.
00:22:17.45\00:22:18.61
Now my mother gave
me very strict rules,
00:22:18.64\00:22:20.72
and I was never to be
alone, I mean when I had a date
00:22:20.75\00:22:24.71
we could come home and
sit on the couch at my house,
00:22:24.74\00:22:27.83
we could be there, but I
was never allowed to go parking,
00:22:27.87\00:22:31.15
or go to his house, or go
anywhere else alone with him.
00:22:31.19\00:22:34.44
But that was... how
do parents monitor this?
00:22:34.47\00:22:38.62
When is it okay to
have a relationship?
00:22:38.66\00:22:40.47
Let's be honest. When you first
meet someone new it feels good.
00:22:40.50\00:22:44.25
You know, when you're
single, and you're young,
00:22:44.28\00:22:46.19
and you meet someone you're
attracted to, it feels good,
00:22:46.23\00:22:48.76
and it's nice. God put that
in our minds so that we can be
00:22:48.79\00:22:51.29
attracted to somebody.
00:22:51.32\00:22:52.35
But the problem is that
many people believe those new
00:22:52.38\00:22:55.46
exciting feelings are love.
00:22:55.49\00:22:57.48
You know, that's what
the movies, and books,
00:22:57.51\00:22:59.53
and everything tells us.
00:22:59.56\00:23:00.59
Oh, no two people have ever had
these feelings for each other
00:23:00.62\00:23:03.10
before. Yeah, and the
problem is it's not love.
00:23:03.13\00:23:06.64
Can't live without them! Ha!
00:23:06.67\00:23:07.98
That's right! So what we have
to do is protect ourselves from
00:23:08.01\00:23:11.79
falling to
believing that that's love.
00:23:11.83\00:23:13.96
So what do we do?
Well, we date in groups.
00:23:13.99\00:23:16.65
We spend time with friends.
00:23:16.69\00:23:18.49
We spend time around
other people so we're not alone.
00:23:18.52\00:23:21.42
What do people do when
they first start dating?
00:23:21.45\00:23:22.82
They go to spend countless
hours watching the sunset,
00:23:22.86\00:23:25.71
and walking on the beach late
at night; spending time alone!
00:23:25.75\00:23:30.11
And when you are infatuated
with somebody you're at risk!
00:23:30.15\00:23:34.49
I mean you're vulnerable
to falling to these lustful,
00:23:34.53\00:23:37.96
and passionate feelings
that you're having for someone.
00:23:38.00\00:23:41.37
And, you know, the Lord, the way
He made our bodies to operate,
00:23:41.40\00:23:45.29
I mean, just like kissing
is something that actually
00:23:45.32\00:23:49.18
activates certain
things within our body.
00:23:49.21\00:23:51.93
Sure, it absolutely does.
00:23:51.96\00:23:52.99
It activates all of these touch
things, and even as we said,
00:23:53.02\00:23:54.95
visual stimulus. That's right.
00:23:54.98\00:23:56.31
Okay, so these are things
that they can avoid doing.
00:23:56.34\00:23:59.42
That means, you
know, be in groups.
00:23:59.45\00:24:01.12
But when is it appropriate
to have a relationship?
00:24:01.16\00:24:04.40
Well, I always tell young people
that when you are about to reach
00:24:04.44\00:24:09.68
your earthly goal or
dream, and when you know who God
00:24:09.72\00:24:12.82
wants you to be,
then it's appropriate
00:24:12.85\00:24:14.30
to have a relationship.
00:24:14.34\00:24:15.82
Oh mercy! There's going to
be somebody out there that's
00:24:15.86\00:24:19.00
already married twenty years
and saying, I still haven't
00:24:19.03\00:24:22.14
reached my earthly goal,
and I don't know what God
00:24:22.17\00:24:25.04
wants me to do. So are
you saying they should have
00:24:25.07\00:24:27.90
waited for marriage?
00:24:27.94\00:24:29.88
Well, I don't know the specific
circumstance in that person's
00:24:29.92\00:24:33.59
life, but I do know that if
they had concentrated on their
00:24:33.62\00:24:37.26
identity in Christ, before they
added someone else into their
00:24:37.29\00:24:41.99
life, and become one
flesh with somebody else,
00:24:42.22\00:24:44.16
because what happens is a
lot of people define themselves
00:24:44.19\00:24:48.19
in someone else. That's true.
00:24:48.22\00:24:50.41
And sometimes those
relationships end, and they're
00:24:50.44\00:24:52.78
left, and they say, I
don't know what I'm going to do.
00:24:52.82\00:24:55.13
I don't know who I am.
00:24:55.16\00:24:56.39
I don't know who
I'm supposed to be.
00:24:56.43\00:24:58.22
But if we know who we are
in Christ before we add someone
00:24:58.25\00:25:02.10
else to our life, then we can be
much more successful, not only
00:25:02.14\00:25:05.37
in our personal lives, but
in our married lives as well.
00:25:05.41\00:25:08.00
And the young person; studies
have shown in science that the
00:25:08.04\00:25:12.14
frontal lobe actually is
not completely developed. Yes!
00:25:12.18\00:25:16.21
And the frontal lobe actually is
the part of the brain that helps
00:25:16.24\00:25:18.72
us make good decisions.
00:25:18.75\00:25:20.32
And it's not actually
fully developed until twenty
00:25:20.35\00:25:22.72
to twenty-five years of age.
00:25:22.75\00:25:24.00
For girls it's a
little earlier than boys.
00:25:24.04\00:25:25.96
I was getting ready to say boys
are a little later than girls.
00:25:25.99\00:25:27.93
And so 1. we've got all
these hormones raging when we're
00:25:27.97\00:25:31.80
young, 2. science says, and
God says, I haven't completely
00:25:31.84\00:25:35.64
finished you and helped
you make good decisions yet.
00:25:35.68\00:25:38.25
Hold on! Hold off!
00:25:38.29\00:25:40.51
Not only are you being tempted,
but you're just not ready
00:25:40.55\00:25:44.04
to make these life
changing decisions yet.
00:25:44.07\00:25:46.52
So I always counsel
young people, Don't even start
00:25:46.55\00:25:49.78
thinking about dating
until at least 18, at least 19.
00:25:49.82\00:25:53.02
And then when you do
date just date as friends.
00:25:53.05\00:25:56.13
Concentrate on being friends
with people before you start
00:25:56.17\00:25:59.27
thinking romance, and marriage,
and all of these things.
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Because as a friend I would
submit to you that you can get
00:26:02.14\00:26:04.86
to know someone better in
a group, and amongst friends,
00:26:04.89\00:26:07.57
than you can if
you're just one on one,
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and you're
concentrating on attraction.
00:26:09.24\00:26:10.77
Oh, absolutely!
There's no doubt in my mind.
00:26:10.81\00:26:13.57
When you go out and
talk with young people,
00:26:13.60\00:26:16.29
we have just a very short
time, what do you tell someone
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who says, I've
already made a mistake?
00:26:19.66\00:26:22.61
I say, We serve a wonderful
God who is willing to forgive us
00:26:22.64\00:26:28.29
in a second. And that's why
Jesus gave his life on the cross
00:26:28.32\00:26:32.02
for us. And there's forgiveness
and there's restoration.
00:26:32.05\00:26:35.97
Now we can never do something
again for the first time.
00:26:36.01\00:26:39.09
That's just the
reality of things.
00:26:39.12\00:26:41.08
But in
forgiveness, and restoration,
00:26:41.11\00:26:43.27
and victory in Jesus,
today can be the first day
00:26:43.31\00:26:45.53
of your life of victory.
00:26:45.56\00:26:46.68
So what you're saying
is, let me paraphrase this,
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and you see if I'm saying this
right, that once you've lost
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your virginity, you've lost it
physically, but God can make you
00:26:55.02\00:26:59.11
a spiritual virgin
again so you can start over.
00:26:59.15\00:27:02.41
He is the God of new
beginnings. Right? Amen.
00:27:02.45\00:27:05.45
We are... it just always goes
so quickly when you're here.
00:27:05.48\00:27:09.21
We're talking about your
book, The Gospel of Sex, Dating,
00:27:09.25\00:27:12.56
Relating, and Mating.
00:27:12.59\00:27:13.73
And Pastor Dustin Hall, thank
you so much for being here.
00:27:13.76\00:27:17.47
And thank you for the
work that you're doing,
00:27:17.50\00:27:19.65
or that you're
allowing God to do through you.
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Praise the Lord! Thank you.
00:27:21.83\00:27:22.86
Amen. For those of you at home,
I hope that you'll take this
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topic to heart. You may not
even have children, but I want
00:27:26.65\00:27:30.19
you to really think about this,
and maybe you can mentor some
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children that
are in your church.
00:27:33.76\00:27:35.72
Maybe you can have some kind
of a seminar for them so that
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they'll know these things.
00:27:39.36\00:27:40.61
Kids want to know, and
they want to do what's right.
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They just don't
always know what to do.
00:27:45.18\00:27:46.97
So now may the grace
of our Lord Jesus Christ,
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and the love of the Father,
and the fellowship of the
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Holy Spirit remain with you
today and throughout your life.
00:27:52.67\00:27:56.39
Thank you.
00:27:56.42\00:27:57.45