Participants: J.D. Quinn (Host), Gordon and Waveney Martinborough
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000290
|
00:30 Welcome to Issues and Answers. My name is J.D. Quinn.
00:34 I always like to start off with a scripture, so we are going to 00:37 go to Hebrews 12:6 and the first part. 00:40 "For whom the Lord loves He disciplines. " 00:43 We're glad to be here today and we have some special guests 00:49 from Orlando, Florida. This is Gordon & Waveny Martinborough 00:53 from Orlando, Florida. We're just glad that you are here 00:57 with us today. We have an exciting topic: 00:59 How to be an Effective Parent. 01:01 But before we start on this particular topic, I'd like to 01:04 know a little bit about you and I know the people out in our 01:07 congregation would. So Gordon, why don't we start with you? 01:13 Okay, I am Gordon and my whole life has been as a minister of 01:19 the gospel serving as a district pastor, a conference president, 01:24 a union president, division vice president. We have served the 01:29 church in various responsibilities. But through 01:32 it all, we have two passions that I carry. One is family 01:39 life and the other is evangelism We have been keeping those two 01:46 going through thick and thin. Forty-four years ago I was 01:51 married to this lady. Between us God has blessed us with three 01:58 children. They're grown now, Esther, Samuel and John and she 02:04 will tell you a little more about herself. 02:06 I am Waveny Martinborough and I am an educator by profession. 02:11 Actually I have taught in the different levels: preschool, 02:15 elementary school, high school and college, which is now a 02:22 university. For the past 10 years, however, I have worked in 02:25 Interamerican Division as the first Women's Ministries 02:29 Director for that division as well as director for 02:33 Family Ministries. 02:35 Officially we are now retired. 02:37 Amen. And you have been retired for how long? 02:40 Just a year and a half. We have been developing Happy Family 02:44 Bible Seminars which is a self supporting ministry with a focus 02:50 on family working in leadership, pastors' families, 02:55 and working in education, seminars for churches and 02:58 working in evangelism, family life evangelism. We have 03:04 developed, the Lord has inspired us to develop a wealth of 03:06 resources that could be reached at our web site. 03:10 Our web site is www. happyfamilybsi. com 03:20 Our 800 number is 800-291-3060. 03:27 There we can access more than 50 seminars that are available 03:33 including this one that we are presenting. 03:35 I know that I have read part of one of your books and you can 03:40 tell that lots of thought has gone into this. It's really 03:43 fantastic. Well, let's talk about how to be an effective 03:46 parent. 03:47 All right. First of all we need to point out that parenting is 03:51 the most difficult job in the world. It's 24/7. 03:55 And yet it's a job for which we get no training, no preparation. 04:02 So it behooves us to read all we can, to study all we can, so 04:10 that we can prepare ourselves for this important 04:15 responsibility. 04:17 And you know, as parents we do many things for our children. 04:24 We feed them, we clothe them, we do a lot things for them. 04:29 But, you know, the two big issues of parenting are 04:33 #1 Love and the other is discipline and it depends on 04:39 how we balance these two seemingly opposite issues, how 04:48 we balance it. Four styles emerge and those are the styles 04:53 that we are going to look at. 04:54 Okay, we're going to talk about four styles then. 04:56 We are going to talk of four styles and the we will talk of 04:58 three secrets. So there are seven points we are covering. 05:02 Okay, style #1, pattern #1 is the authoritarian parent. 05:09 The authoritarian parent is a parent who is high on rules 05:14 but low on love. This the parent where in this home rules are 05:25 more important than relationships. The parent is 05:29 very strict and any deviation from those rules carries 05:34 terrible consequences and there are a lot of us who grew up with 05:39 that kind of parent. On the other hand, love is not 05:43 expressed. This is the parent that does not hug the child, 05:46 doesn't tell the child how much he is or she is loved. So the 05:53 kid grows up with fear, never being certain if what he is 05:57 doing is right or wrong, trying to please the parent. That kid 06:01 grows up with low self-esteem because he is not sure of 06:04 himself. He has not been affirmed. Many of those children 06:11 when they grow up, they reject the parents' values, because 06:14 they don't like that kind of spirit. So they throw both the 06:19 style and the values and everything in the garbage can. 06:23 I would imagine socially that they're inept, too. 06:26 Yes, that's right. The Bible has an example for 06:31 each style of parenting and the example for this kind of 06:37 parent is King Saul. In 1 Samuel 14 we have the story where Saul 06:42 was going to battle and he made a note that nobody is to eat 06:49 anything until the battle is won. I don't know how he 06:51 expected the soldiers to fight without food, but that was the 06:56 covenant he made. But he was afraid to fight. His son, 07:01 Jonathan, went out, won the battle, did not hear the 07:06 father's oath, took some honey and Saul said, You shall surely 07:12 die Jonathan. The people had to rescue the son from the father. 07:16 This was a father high on rules, low on love. God's counsel to 07:24 such parents is found in Colossians 3:21. It says 07:30 Fathers do not provoke your children to anger lest they 07:36 become discouraged. That's the first style. 07:40 The second style is the opposite of the first style. The second 07:50 style says, A permissive parent: And this style is high on love, 08:00 but low on rules or low on discipline. You see, that parent 08:06 might have been in an an authoritarian childhood. 08:14 So when he grows up he wants to change over and this time now 08:19 he swings just to the opposite and becomes permissive because 08:25 he wants his child now to have a high self-esteem and so he 08:30 loves the child, but then there are no rules. No rules are put 08:36 in place, they are not enforced or anything. The child grows 08:41 up now without any rules, grows up self-sufficient. He is 08:47 without control. Nobody can tell him anything, nobody can tell 08:52 her anything. That's the result of a child growing up in a 08:58 permissive home. 09:00 Who is an example? 09:02 An example is Priest Eli and we know the sad story. He was a 09:08 Godly man, but yet he failed to train his children. As a matter 09:14 of fact, 1 Samuel 3:13 says he failed. They were wicked, but 09:20 he did not restrain them, no rules or anything like that. 09:27 God's counsel to such a parent is from Proverbs 13:24 09:34 It says, if you love your son, if you love your daughter, well 09:39 then, you need to discipline that child. 09:42 The third style is the worst one. This is the neglectful 09:48 parent. The neglectful parent is low on love and low on law. 09:54 Doesn't do either of them. This child grows up like an 09:59 orphan. He is not loved, probably not wanted, and 10:06 of course, there are no rules, no discipline and the prisons 10:12 are full of such children who have grown up to be adults. 10:18 If nobody loves me, I love nobody, I hate the world. 10:24 This is the worse style of parenting. An example of that is 10:30 King Ahaz. The Bible says in 2 Kings 16:3, that he caused 10:37 his children to pass through the fire, no love, and of course no 10:42 discipline. God's counsel to such a parent in found in 10:48 Matthew 18:10. It says, Take heed that you do not despise 10:54 one of these little ones, because their angel is taking 11:00 note of how you are treating the kid. 11:02 The fourth style, this the last style. This one is the 11:09 authoritaTIVE parent. It's different to authoriTARIAN. 11:16 This authoritative parent now is high on love as well as high on 11:23 rules or discipline. So he gives lots of love as well as 11:28 discipline whenever it is needed and that is the style 11:32 that we need to adopt. 11:36 Do you have an example? 11:39 An example is Abraham, good old faithful Abraham. Genesis 18:19 11:45 tells us that he had rules in his home and for his servants, 11:51 his son. Then Genesis 22:2 tells us that he loved Isaac dearly. 11:58 So it's rules and discipline, both will help your child to 12:03 grow up in a way that is pleasing, and he will be happy 12:08 too because you will be happy. 12:10 So these are the four styles. By the way, we don't have to be 12:15 a parent to have one of those styles. Every person has one of 12:19 those styles because we don't get the style when we get a 12:24 baby. We are that style before we became the parents. So we 12:29 need to examine what is our style and make the change that 12:34 is necessary to get to the ideal style. Having looked at those 12:42 four styles, then we want to look at three secrets. 12:47 What can we do in order to become the right type of a 12:54 parent? The first secret is that different children need 12:59 different methods of discipline. We have said that we must 13:05 discipline. But not every child should be disciplined the 13:09 same way. Unfortunately there are some parents who know one 13:13 style of discipline and that is all they do and most times it's 13:18 a bad style. There are different styles and scripture gives us 13:24 guidance and examples of these different ways of discipline. 13:30 The first one is communication. Just talk to the child, reason 13:37 with the kid. Say why this behavior is not desirable and 13:44 why this behavior is desirable. Because there are many children 13:48 that will change if we reason with them intelligently. 13:53 God uses that in dealing with his wayward son Balaam. 13:58 Remember Balaam wanted to go get that money and God kept telling 14:04 him that's not the way to go. Then when Balaam still went here 14:10 God used a donkey to communicate with him. And did 14:14 you notice, the stupid man talked back to the donkey. 14:21 But here God was using communication, and that is the 14:27 first step we should take. Sometimes that works, sometimes 14:30 it doesn't work, so we have to try something else. Another 14:36 method is consequences. Consequences says let the child 14:41 suffer the natural consequences or the logical consequences 14:46 without parental intervention. 14:48 As long as it doesn't endanger the child. 14:51 That's right and God used that with David with Bathsheba 15:01 and then he took the life of Uriah and God said, you have 15:07 taken Uriah with the sword. The sword shall never depart from 15:13 your house. Consequences. So in a little while Absalom his son 15:18 took up the sword on the father. Of course, God could have 15:23 intervened but God said, no I'm not intervening. David must 15:29 suffer the consequences of his behavior. He was forgiven but he 15:35 still suffered the consequences. Another method of discipline is 15:41 withholding privileges, withhold for a period, something that the 15:48 parent has control of. God used that with his son Moses when 15:56 Moses struck the rock instead of speaking to the rock, God then 16:02 said, I was going to allow you the privilege of taking Israel 16:07 into the promised land, but I'm withholding that privilege. 16:11 You remember in Deuteronomy Moses pleaded, but Lord one 16:15 thing you... The Lord said, Let's not talk about that 16:18 anymore. You are not going in there. But of course, God still 16:24 in his mercy allowed him to enter that promised land 1,500 16:29 years after when he came down to comfort the Lord Jesus before 16:34 the crucifixion. One more method of discipline, 16:38 and this is the one that many folk grew up with and that's 16:43 corporal correction. In some countries that is not 16:48 permissible and in other countries that's the norm. 16:52 Corporal correction has it's place and God used that with 16:55 the apostle Paul. Paul had what he called a thorn in the flesh. 17:01 That's pain in his body. That's corporal. And he asked God to 17:05 take it away. God said, No I'm not taking it away. That's your 17:08 discipline; but I'm going to bear it with you and I'm going 17:12 to give you strength to bear it. My grace is sufficient for you. 17:17 So corporal correction has it's place, but if ever administered, 17:23 it should be the last means of working with the kid. 17:28 There is one other method of discipline; it sometime is not 17:33 looked at as discipline, but it is, and that is to reward right 17:37 behavior. Not only should we take care of the kid when the 17:42 behavior is wrong, but when the behavior is right, reward the 17:47 kid. Because any behavior that is rewarded is reinforced and 17:52 will be repeated. So this first secret is saying, you have 17:57 a whole menu of options on how to discipline. Choose the best 18:03 one according to the nature of your child, according to what 18:10 was done wrong or right. This is a variety and the whys and 18:15 how you administer the type to the kid. That is the first 18:20 secret of the three secrets. 18:22 All right, the second secret says, discipline with love. 18:26 You know, there are two ways that we can discipline. 18:30 We can discipline with anger. When we do that, we say things 18:39 that are hurtful and we would wish to take back, but the words 18:47 are already out there. So you call the child any name, you 18:52 know, you dummy why did you do such a thing? You know. Or if 18:58 you are using corporal punishment, you might pick up 19:01 equipment, a piece of instrument that would damage the child 19:09 and abuse, that would be an abuse, so we need to discipline 19:16 with love instead of anger. That's how God disciplines us. 19:22 He disciplines us with love. Hebrews, and that is the text 19:29 you read at the beginning, Hebrews 12:6 tells us that 19:34 Whom the Lord loves he disciplines and he disciplines 19:39 us with love. 19:41 There is one more secret and that is to give to the child 19:48 unconditional love. We are talking of discipline and we are 19:54 talking of love, you know. There are a lot of parents who love 19:59 the child conditionally, and when the behavior is good, Oh 20:04 I love you, I'm so proud of you but if the behavior is bad 20:09 you don't hear anything about love, you know. Some folk think 20:14 that if I express the love that will reinforce the bad behavior. 20:19 No. That is time the kid needs to know that he is loved. 20:23 He knows he is wrong, he knows that. So unconditional love says 20:32 I hate what you are doing or what you have done, but I still 20:39 love you. And there's is nothing you can do that will make me 20:45 stop loving you and that's powerful. 20:49 And that's the way God looks at us, you know. 20:52 He hates the sin but he loves the sinner. 20:55 That's right. He says in Jeremiah 31:3, I love you with 21:02 and everlasting love, and that's unconditional. 21:06 In that beloved story of the prodigal boy, that's why the 21:13 boy came back home. Because he knew there was unconditional 21:18 love in the Father's heart and that even though he had messed 21:23 up his life, he would still be welcome back because that love 21:29 is without condition. And that is the love that we should 21:35 manifest to our children 21:37 In my family, that's the way we grew up. My father and mother 21:40 which I was very fortunate to have a father and mother to 21:45 raise both of us, you know. But it was always given to us, 21:50 listen, our responsibility is to educate you and then to get you 21:55 out of the nest. But we always want you to know one thing, 21:59 that our home is always open to you no matter how good, how bad 22:03 things may be. Well, boy, that's a precious feeling. You know, 22:07 it's kind of your ace in the hole as you might say, because 22:10 you can always come home if you have to, and there are always 22:14 situations that you would have never dreamed of, you know, that 22:17 may take you back home, you know, but it's a wonderful 22:19 feeling and certainly gives you an insight of how the Lord 22:22 loves us. 22:23 Yes, you're fortunate to have had that kind of home. There are 22:28 some kids that have a hard time saying the Lord's Prayer, Our 22:34 Father, because father is a bad word in their experience. So 22:39 fathers and mothers, we stand in the place of God to our kids and 22:46 that's why we have to deal with both the love 22:48 and the discipline. 22:49 Well you know, going back over these, especially on this 22:53 authoritarian, high on rules and low on love, you know, as baby 22:57 boomers. Most of our parents had to work really hard. They 23:00 had to get out there with their nose to the grindstone and 23:04 because maybe they did not have very much, they overcompensated. 23:08 You know, and then they spoil their children. Of course, then 23:13 they spoil their children and you know, you got to cut that 23:17 card someplace. There is such a thing as tough love. How does 23:21 tough love fit into this? I mean I know that with drugs there is 23:26 a lot of drug activity going on out there right now and the 23:29 parents have no idea how to handle the situation. Of course 23:32 sitting back here you say well you know you ought to do 23:36 A, B, C, and D. Shelly and I had no children, but we've 23:40 certainly told my brother and sister how to raise theirs. 23:43 You see. I'll never forget, my brother kept correcting me. 23:47 He said, J.D., bless your heart, you have no children. You don't 23:51 know what that unconditional love is. I mean, after he told 23:55 me maybe 100 times I finally woke up to that fact. You know, 23:59 every situation is different. Why don't we 24:04 review these real quick? Is that all right, Gordon? 24:07 Yes. Before reviewing, them we want to remind the folk that 24:11 this is a mini version of the larger seminar because our 24:16 seminars run for an hour and those seminars are available 24:20 on our web site: www. happyfamilybsi. com. 24:28 and our toll free number is 800-291-3060 24:36 There are more than 50 seminars available there for leaders, for 24:41 the church, for the community, of which this is a mini version 24:46 of one of them. In this seminar, we have looked at four parenting 24:54 styles. The first was the authoritarian, the one high on 25:00 rules and low on love which creates problem children. 25:05 Yes, and I remember, you know, whenever what's been brought 25:09 to my attention is rules without relationships yield 25:15 rebellion. 25:16 That's a great statement. 25:17 It is a great statement and it is so true, and that would fit 25:19 into that style #1. 25:24 The second style is the permissive, which is opposite to 25:27 authoritarian. This one is high on love, lots of love, but no 25:32 rules, no discipline, and that is not good; it affects the 25:37 child in the end. 25:38 The third is the neglectful parent who is low on rules, low 25:45 on love. These kids are prime candidates for criminal 25:50 activity. So that's a no no. 25:52 And the last style is the authoritative and this one is 25:59 high on love, lots of love, as well as discipline when it is 26:04 necessary. 26:05 This kind of takes us back to Hebrews 12:6 For whom the Lord 26:09 loves, he disciplines. Amen. 26:14 Then we did the three secrets, and the first secret was there 26:19 is a menu of options how to discipline the child. Choose the 26:24 right one that matches the child that God has given you. 26:29 The second secret is when you discipline, 26:33 discipline with love. 26:36 And finally, give unconditional love to your child. 26:40 This is good stuff, you know. This is just good how to be an 26:46 effective parent. Why don't we go to the Lord and let's have 26:51 a short prayer? Is that all right, Gordon? 26:53 Sure. Dear God, we are reminded that you are our father and we 27:00 are your children and we want to pattern our parenting after 27:07 you. So we ask that you will give us wisdom to parent our 27:12 children like you parent us. We thank you in Jesus name. Amen 27:18 Amen, Amen. I just want to thank both of you for coming all the 27:23 way from Orlando, Florida to share this information with 27:26 us. I speak on behalf of 3ABN, we appreciate it. 27:30 I know that the Lord has exciting days ahead of you for 27:34 this type of information. 27:35 Thank you, J.D. We've enjoyed being here and our prayer is 27:41 that parents will use this information for the benefit 27:46 of their families. 27:48 Thank you for sharing this time with us and may 27:53 God richly bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17