Welcome to Issues and
Answers. My name is J.D. Quinn.
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I always like to start off with
a scripture, so we are going to
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go to Hebrews 12:6
and the first part.
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"For whom the Lord
loves He disciplines. "
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We're glad to be here today
and we have some special guests
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from Orlando, Florida. This
is Gordon & Waveny Martinborough
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from Orlando, Florida. We're
just glad that you are here
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with us today. We
have an exciting topic:
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How to be an Effective Parent.
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But before we start on this
particular topic, I'd like to
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know a little bit about you
and I know the people out in our
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congregation would. So Gordon,
why don't we start with you?
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Okay, I am Gordon and my whole
life has been as a minister of
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the gospel serving as a district
pastor, a conference president,
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a union president, division vice
president. We have served the
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church in various
responsibilities. But through
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it all, we have two passions
that I carry. One is family
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life and the other is evangelism
We have been keeping those two
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going through thick and
thin. Forty-four years ago I was
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married to this lady. Between
us God has blessed us with three
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children. They're grown now,
Esther, Samuel and John and she
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will tell you a
little more about herself.
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I am Waveny Martinborough and
I am an educator by profession.
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Actually I have taught in
the different levels: preschool,
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elementary school, high school
and college, which is now a
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university. For the past 10
years, however, I have worked in
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Interamerican Division as
the first Women's Ministries
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Director for that
division as well as director for
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Family Ministries.
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Officially we are now retired.
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Amen. And you have
been retired for how long?
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Just a year and a half. We have
been developing Happy Family
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Bible Seminars which is a self
supporting ministry with a focus
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on family working in
leadership, pastors' families,
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and working in education,
seminars for churches and
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working in evangelism,
family life evangelism. We have
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developed, the Lord has inspired
us to develop a wealth of
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resources that could be
reached at our web site.
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Our web site is
www. happyfamilybsi. com
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Our 800 number is 800-291-3060.
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There we can access more than
50 seminars that are available
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including this one
that we are presenting.
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I know that I have read part
of one of your books and you can
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tell that lots of thought
has gone into this. It's really
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fantastic. Well, let's talk
about how to be an effective
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parent.
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All right. First of all we need
to point out that parenting is
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the most difficult job
in the world. It's 24/7.
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And yet it's a job for which we
get no training, no preparation.
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So it behooves us to read all
we can, to study all we can, so
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that we can prepare
ourselves for this important
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responsibility.
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And you know, as parents we
do many things for our children.
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We feed them, we clothe them,
we do a lot things for them.
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But, you know, the two
big issues of parenting are
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#1 Love and the other is
discipline and it depends on
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how we balance these two
seemingly opposite issues, how
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we balance it. Four styles
emerge and those are the styles
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that we are going to look at.
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Okay, we're going to
talk about four styles then.
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We are going to talk of four
styles and the we will talk of
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three secrets. So there are
seven points we are covering.
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Okay, style #1, pattern #1
is the authoritarian parent.
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The authoritarian parent is
a parent who is high on rules
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but low on love. This the parent
where in this home rules are
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more important than
relationships. The parent is
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very strict and any deviation
from those rules carries
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terrible consequences and there
are a lot of us who grew up with
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that kind of parent. On
the other hand, love is not
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expressed. This is the parent
that does not hug the child,
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doesn't tell the child how much
he is or she is loved. So the
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kid grows up with fear, never
being certain if what he is
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doing is right or wrong, trying
to please the parent. That kid
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grows up with low self-esteem
because he is not sure of
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himself. He has not been
affirmed. Many of those children
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when they grow up, they reject
the parents' values, because
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they don't like that kind of
spirit. So they throw both the
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style and the values and
everything in the garbage can.
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I would imagine socially
that they're inept, too.
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Yes, that's right. The
Bible has an example for
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each style of parenting and
the example for this kind of
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parent is King Saul. In 1 Samuel
14 we have the story where Saul
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was going to battle and he made
a note that nobody is to eat
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anything until the battle
is won. I don't know how he
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expected the soldiers to fight
without food, but that was the
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covenant he made. But he
was afraid to fight. His son,
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Jonathan, went out, won
the battle, did not hear the
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father's oath, took some honey
and Saul said, You shall surely
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die Jonathan. The people had to
rescue the son from the father.
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This was a father high on rules,
low on love. God's counsel to
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such parents is found
in Colossians 3:21. It says
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Fathers do not provoke
your children to anger lest they
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become discouraged.
That's the first style.
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The second style is the opposite
of the first style. The second
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style says, A permissive parent:
And this style is high on love,
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but low on rules or low on
discipline. You see, that parent
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might have been in an
an authoritarian childhood.
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So when he grows up he wants
to change over and this time now
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he swings just to the opposite
and becomes permissive because
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he wants his child now to have
a high self-esteem and so he
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loves the child, but then there
are no rules. No rules are put
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in place, they are not enforced
or anything. The child grows
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up now without any rules,
grows up self-sufficient. He is
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without control. Nobody can tell
him anything, nobody can tell
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her anything. That's the result
of a child growing up in a
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permissive home.
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Who is an example?
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An example is Priest Eli and
we know the sad story. He was a
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Godly man, but yet he failed to
train his children. As a matter
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of fact, 1 Samuel 3:13 says
he failed. They were wicked, but
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he did not restrain them,
no rules or anything like that.
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God's counsel to such a
parent is from Proverbs 13:24
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It says, if you love your son,
if you love your daughter, well
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then, you need to
discipline that child.
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The third style is the worst
one. This is the neglectful
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parent. The neglectful parent
is low on love and low on law.
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Doesn't do either of them.
This child grows up like an
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orphan. He is not
loved, probably not wanted, and
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of course, there are no rules,
no discipline and the prisons
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are full of such children
who have grown up to be adults.
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If nobody loves me, I
love nobody, I hate the world.
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This is the worse style of
parenting. An example of that is
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King Ahaz. The Bible says
in 2 Kings 16:3, that he caused
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his children to pass through the
fire, no love, and of course no
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discipline. God's counsel
to such a parent in found in
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Matthew 18:10. It says, Take
heed that you do not despise
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one of these little ones,
because their angel is taking
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note of how you
are treating the kid.
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The fourth style, this the
last style. This one is the
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authoritaTIVE parent. It's
different to authoriTARIAN.
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This authoritative parent now is
high on love as well as high on
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rules or discipline. So he
gives lots of love as well as
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discipline whenever it is
needed and that is the style
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that we need to adopt.
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Do you have an example?
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An example is Abraham, good old
faithful Abraham. Genesis 18:19
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tells us that he had rules in
his home and for his servants,
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his son. Then Genesis 22:2 tells
us that he loved Isaac dearly.
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So it's rules and discipline,
both will help your child to
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grow up in a way that is
pleasing, and he will be happy
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too because you will be happy.
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So these are the four styles.
By the way, we don't have to be
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a parent to have one of those
styles. Every person has one of
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those styles because we don't
get the style when we get a
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baby. We are that style before
we became the parents. So we
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need to examine what is our
style and make the change that
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is necessary to get to the ideal
style. Having looked at those
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four styles, then we
want to look at three secrets.
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What can we do in order
to become the right type of a
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parent? The first secret is
that different children need
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different methods of discipline.
We have said that we must
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discipline. But not every
child should be disciplined the
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same way. Unfortunately there
are some parents who know one
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style of discipline and that is
all they do and most times it's
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a bad style. There are different
styles and scripture gives us
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guidance and examples of these
different ways of discipline.
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The first one is communication.
Just talk to the child, reason
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with the kid. Say why this
behavior is not desirable and
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why this behavior is desirable.
Because there are many children
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that will change if we
reason with them intelligently.
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God uses that in dealing
with his wayward son Balaam.
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Remember Balaam wanted to go get
that money and God kept telling
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him that's not the way to go.
Then when Balaam still went here
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God used a donkey to
communicate with him. And did
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you notice, the stupid
man talked back to the donkey.
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But here God was using
communication, and that is the
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first step we should take.
Sometimes that works, sometimes
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it doesn't work, so we have
to try something else. Another
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method is consequences.
Consequences says let the child
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suffer the natural consequences
or the logical consequences
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without parental intervention.
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As long as it
doesn't endanger the child.
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That's right and God used
that with David with Bathsheba
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and then he took the life
of Uriah and God said, you have
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taken Uriah with the sword. The
sword shall never depart from
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your house. Consequences. So in
a little while Absalom his son
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took up the sword on the father.
Of course, God could have
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intervened but God said, no
I'm not intervening. David must
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suffer the consequences of his
behavior. He was forgiven but he
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still suffered the consequences.
Another method of discipline is
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withholding privileges, withhold
for a period, something that the
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parent has control of. God used
that with his son Moses when
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Moses struck the rock instead of
speaking to the rock, God then
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said, I was going to allow you
the privilege of taking Israel
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into the promised land, but
I'm withholding that privilege.
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You remember in Deuteronomy
Moses pleaded, but Lord one
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thing you... The Lord
said, Let's not talk about that
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anymore. You are not going in
there. But of course, God still
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in his mercy allowed him to
enter that promised land 1,500
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years after when he came down
to comfort the Lord Jesus before
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the crucifixion. One
more method of discipline,
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and this is the one that many
folk grew up with and that's
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corporal correction. In
some countries that is not
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permissible and in other
countries that's the norm.
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Corporal correction has it's
place and God used that with
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the apostle Paul. Paul had what
he called a thorn in the flesh.
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That's pain in his body. That's
corporal. And he asked God to
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take it away. God said, No I'm
not taking it away. That's your
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discipline; but I'm going to
bear it with you and I'm going
00:17:08.81\00:17:12.19
to give you strength to bear it.
My grace is sufficient for you.
00:17:12.23\00:17:17.26
So corporal correction has it's
place, but if ever administered,
00:17:17.30\00:17:23.30
it should be the last
means of working with the kid.
00:17:23.34\00:17:28.53
There is one other method of
discipline; it sometime is not
00:17:28.56\00:17:33.08
looked at as discipline, but it
is, and that is to reward right
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behavior. Not only should we
take care of the kid when the
00:17:37.63\00:17:42.15
behavior is wrong, but when the
behavior is right, reward the
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kid. Because any behavior that
is rewarded is reinforced and
00:17:47.23\00:17:52.21
will be repeated. So this
first secret is saying, you have
00:17:52.25\00:17:57.65
a whole menu of options on how
to discipline. Choose the best
00:17:57.69\00:18:03.89
one according to the nature
of your child, according to what
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was done wrong or right. This
is a variety and the whys and
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how you administer the type
to the kid. That is the first
00:18:15.46\00:18:20.46
secret of the three secrets.
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All right, the second secret
says, discipline with love.
00:18:22.13\00:18:26.22
You know, there are two
ways that we can discipline.
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We can discipline with anger.
When we do that, we say things
00:18:30.31\00:18:39.14
that are hurtful and we would
wish to take back, but the words
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are already out there. So
you call the child any name, you
00:18:47.79\00:18:52.22
know, you dummy why did you
do such a thing? You know. Or if
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you are using corporal
punishment, you might pick up
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equipment, a piece of instrument
that would damage the child
00:19:01.76\00:19:09.17
and abuse, that would be an
abuse, so we need to discipline
00:19:09.20\00:19:16.85
with love instead of anger.
That's how God disciplines us.
00:19:16.88\00:19:22.95
He disciplines us with love.
Hebrews, and that is the text
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you read at the beginning,
Hebrews 12:6 tells us that
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Whom the Lord loves he
disciplines and he disciplines
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us with love.
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There is one more secret
and that is to give to the child
00:19:41.33\00:19:48.13
unconditional love. We are
talking of discipline and we are
00:19:48.16\00:19:54.07
talking of love, you know. There
are a lot of parents who love
00:19:54.11\00:19:59.68
the child conditionally, and
when the behavior is good, Oh
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I love you, I'm so proud of
you but if the behavior is bad
00:20:04.88\00:20:09.87
you don't hear anything about
love, you know. Some folk think
00:20:09.90\00:20:14.90
that if I express the love that
will reinforce the bad behavior.
00:20:14.93\00:20:19.89
No. That is time the kid
needs to know that he is loved.
00:20:19.93\00:20:23.39
He knows he is wrong, he knows
that. So unconditional love says
00:20:23.43\00:20:32.05
I hate what you are doing or
what you have done, but I still
00:20:32.08\00:20:38.96
love you. And there's is nothing
you can do that will make me
00:20:39.00\00:20:45.84
stop loving you
and that's powerful.
00:20:45.87\00:20:49.15
And that's the way
God looks at us, you know.
00:20:49.19\00:20:52.09
He hates the sin
but he loves the sinner.
00:20:52.12\00:20:54.99
That's right. He says in
Jeremiah 31:3, I love you with
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and everlasting love,
and that's unconditional.
00:21:02.65\00:21:06.94
In that beloved story of
the prodigal boy, that's why the
00:21:06.98\00:21:13.28
boy came back home. Because
he knew there was unconditional
00:21:13.32\00:21:18.08
love in the Father's heart and
that even though he had messed
00:21:18.11\00:21:23.89
up his life, he would still be
welcome back because that love
00:21:23.92\00:21:29.68
is without condition. And
that is the love that we should
00:21:29.72\00:21:35.44
manifest to our children
00:21:35.48\00:21:37.76
In my family, that's the way
we grew up. My father and mother
00:21:37.80\00:21:40.87
which I was very fortunate
to have a father and mother to
00:21:40.90\00:21:45.58
raise both of us, you know.
But it was always given to us,
00:21:45.61\00:21:50.21
listen, our responsibility is to
educate you and then to get you
00:21:50.25\00:21:55.27
out of the nest. But we always
want you to know one thing,
00:21:55.30\00:21:59.44
that our home is always open to
you no matter how good, how bad
00:21:59.48\00:22:03.44
things may be. Well, boy, that's
a precious feeling. You know,
00:22:03.47\00:22:07.11
it's kind of your ace in the
hole as you might say, because
00:22:07.14\00:22:10.76
you can always come home if you
have to, and there are always
00:22:10.80\00:22:14.34
situations that you would have
never dreamed of, you know, that
00:22:14.38\00:22:17.03
may take you back home,
you know, but it's a wonderful
00:22:17.06\00:22:19.94
feeling and certainly gives
you an insight of how the Lord
00:22:19.97\00:22:22.81
loves us.
00:22:22.84\00:22:23.81
Yes, you're fortunate to have
had that kind of home. There are
00:22:23.82\00:22:28.82
some kids that have a hard time
saying the Lord's Prayer, Our
00:22:28.85\00:22:34.24
Father, because father is a
bad word in their experience. So
00:22:34.27\00:22:39.59
fathers and mothers, we stand in
the place of God to our kids and
00:22:39.62\00:22:46.11
that's why we have to
deal with both the love
00:22:46.14\00:22:48.51
and the discipline.
00:22:48.54\00:22:49.73
Well you know, going back
over these, especially on this
00:22:49.77\00:22:52.97
authoritarian, high on rules and
low on love, you know, as baby
00:22:53.00\00:22:57.00
boomers. Most of our parents
had to work really hard. They
00:22:57.04\00:23:00.53
had to get out there with
their nose to the grindstone and
00:23:00.56\00:23:03.99
because maybe they did not have
very much, they overcompensated.
00:23:04.02\00:23:08.62
You know, and then they spoil
their children. Of course, then
00:23:08.65\00:23:13.23
they spoil their children and
you know, you got to cut that
00:23:13.27\00:23:17.33
card someplace. There is such
a thing as tough love. How does
00:23:17.37\00:23:21.72
tough love fit into this? I mean
I know that with drugs there is
00:23:21.76\00:23:26.08
a lot of drug activity going
on out there right now and the
00:23:26.12\00:23:29.27
parents have no idea how to
handle the situation. Of course
00:23:29.30\00:23:31.98
sitting back here you say
well you know you ought to do
00:23:32.01\00:23:36.08
A, B, C, and D. Shelly and
I had no children, but we've
00:23:36.12\00:23:40.12
certainly told my brother
and sister how to raise theirs.
00:23:40.15\00:23:43.81
You see. I'll never forget,
my brother kept correcting me.
00:23:43.84\00:23:47.43
He said, J.D., bless your heart,
you have no children. You don't
00:23:47.47\00:23:51.86
know what that unconditional
love is. I mean, after he told
00:23:51.90\00:23:55.67
me maybe 100 times I finally
woke up to that fact. You know,
00:23:55.70\00:23:59.44
every situation is
different. Why don't we
00:23:59.48\00:24:04.44
review these real quick?
Is that all right, Gordon?
00:24:04.47\00:24:07.23
Yes. Before reviewing, them
we want to remind the folk that
00:24:07.26\00:24:11.90
this is a mini version of
the larger seminar because our
00:24:11.93\00:24:16.08
seminars run for an hour
and those seminars are available
00:24:16.12\00:24:20.24
on our web site:
www. happyfamilybsi. com.
00:24:20.27\00:24:28.25
and our toll free
number is 800-291-3060
00:24:28.28\00:24:36.19
There are more than 50 seminars
available there for leaders, for
00:24:36.22\00:24:41.19
the church, for the community,
of which this is a mini version
00:24:41.23\00:24:46.16
of one of them. In this seminar,
we have looked at four parenting
00:24:46.19\00:24:54.79
styles. The first was the
authoritarian, the one high on
00:24:54.82\00:25:00.09
rules and low on love
which creates problem children.
00:25:00.13\00:25:05.33
Yes, and I remember, you know,
whenever what's been brought
00:25:05.37\00:25:09.67
to my attention is rules
without relationships yield
00:25:09.71\00:25:15.13
rebellion.
00:25:15.16\00:25:16.13
That's a great statement.
00:25:16.14\00:25:17.73
It is a great statement and it
is so true, and that would fit
00:25:17.77\00:25:19.71
into that style #1.
00:25:19.74\00:25:23.97
The second style is the
permissive, which is opposite to
00:25:24.01\00:25:27.01
authoritarian. This one is high
on love, lots of love, but no
00:25:27.04\00:25:32.32
rules, no discipline, and
that is not good; it affects the
00:25:32.36\00:25:37.60
child in the end.
00:25:37.64\00:25:38.61
The third is the neglectful
parent who is low on rules, low
00:25:38.62\00:25:45.41
on love. These kids are
prime candidates for criminal
00:25:45.45\00:25:50.00
activity. So that's a no no.
00:25:50.03\00:25:52.86
And the last style is the
authoritative and this one is
00:25:52.90\00:25:59.47
high on love, lots of love,
as well as discipline when it is
00:25:59.50\00:26:04.56
necessary.
00:26:04.60\00:26:05.57
This kind of takes us back to
Hebrews 12:6 For whom the Lord
00:26:05.58\00:26:09.96
loves, he disciplines. Amen.
00:26:09.99\00:26:14.40
Then we did the three secrets,
and the first secret was there
00:26:14.44\00:26:19.34
is a menu of options how to
discipline the child. Choose the
00:26:19.38\00:26:24.62
right one that matches the
child that God has given you.
00:26:24.66\00:26:29.87
The second secret
is when you discipline,
00:26:29.90\00:26:33.67
discipline with love.
00:26:33.70\00:26:36.00
And finally, give unconditional
love to your child.
00:26:36.04\00:26:40.80
This is good stuff, you know.
This is just good how to be an
00:26:40.84\00:26:46.02
effective parent. Why don't
we go to the Lord and let's have
00:26:46.05\00:26:51.20
a short prayer? Is
that all right, Gordon?
00:26:51.23\00:26:53.88
Sure. Dear God, we are reminded
that you are our father and we
00:26:53.92\00:27:00.81
are your children and we want
to pattern our parenting after
00:27:00.84\00:27:07.49
you. So we ask that you will
give us wisdom to parent our
00:27:07.53\00:27:12.59
children like you parent us.
We thank you in Jesus name. Amen
00:27:12.63\00:27:18.19
Amen, Amen. I just want to thank
both of you for coming all the
00:27:18.22\00:27:23.75
way from Orlando, Florida
to share this information with
00:27:23.79\00:27:26.82
us. I speak on behalf
of 3ABN, we appreciate it.
00:27:26.86\00:27:30.90
I know that the Lord has
exciting days ahead of you for
00:27:30.98\00:27:34.26
this type of information.
00:27:34.35\00:27:35.80
Thank you, J.D. We've enjoyed
being here and our prayer is
00:27:35.83\00:27:41.15
that parents will use this
information for the benefit
00:27:41.18\00:27:46.47
of their families.
00:27:46.50\00:27:48.17
Thank you for sharing
this time with us and may
00:27:48.20\00:27:53.19
God richly bless you.
00:27:53.22\00:27:57.56