Welcome to Issues and
Answers. My name is J.D. Quinn.
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I like to start each program
out with a scripture, so let's
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go to Romans 15:1-3a.
"We then who are strong ought
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to bear with the scruples of
the weak, and not to please our
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selves. Let each of us
please his neighbor for his good
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leading to edification,
for even Christ did not please
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himself. " Amen. I'm
excited today because I
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have a special couple
from Orlando, Florida. It's the
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Martin-Burls, Gordon & Waveny.
I just welcome you to our
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program today. I know that
we are going to be talking about
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something that everyone would
like to have a little bit more
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information on and that is for
resolving conflicts in marriage.
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Can we take just a few minutes
to tell who the both of you are?
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Let's start with you, Gordon.
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Okay, J.D., I am a Seventh-day
Adventist pastor, have been
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for more than 40 years. I have
served the church in various
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capacities, as a district
pastor, as a departmental
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director, administration at the
conference level, at the union
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level and at the division level.
But through all of the years,
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two things have been my
obsession: One, family life
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and, two, evangelism. That's
where the passion is up to
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today. Here's my wife Waveny.
We have been married now for
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44 years. And they are happy
years. Every year gets sweeter
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as the time goes by. She will
tell you a little more about
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herself.
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Okay. I am Waveny Martin-Burl.
My profession is education.
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Actually I taught preschool,
elementary school, high school,
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and at college, which is now a
university. But for the last 10
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years, I worked in Interamerican
Division as the first
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Women's Ministries director. I
also worked as the director for
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family ministries
right there at the division.
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And we are now recently retired.
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And you have been
retired for how long?
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Oh, just a
year, year and a half.
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Okay. So basically I am assuming
40 years with the conference.
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Is that right?
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Yes. It was with the
organization at different
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levels. Ten years at the
Interamerican Division, head
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office in Miami. We have moved
North to Orlando where we are
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continuing to do what we used
to do for Interamerica, now it's
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for the world. Our ministry
is called Happy Family Bible
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Seminars International and we
have our web site that could be
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accessed to see what
we have to offer. It's
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www. happyfamilybsi. com.
We have a toll free number
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800-291-3060. We serve
the world. We are happy to be
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here today.
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Well, today our topic is
Resolving Marital Issues.
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Let's just start going
down that road and just bring to
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light what we need to do.
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All right. The fact is
that conflicts are inevitable.
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We have them in the home, we
have them on the job, in school,
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in church, everywhere. But
we are focusing on the family
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right in this presentation. The
family conflicts vary. Some folk
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fight over little things,
some fight over big things, some
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fight over money, some
fight over sex, some fight over
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in-laws, some fight over rearing
the children. Different people
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have conflicts over different
issues. But whatever they are,
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they need to be resolved.
Why? Because conflicts are like
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termites. You leave the termites
there, they don't die. They
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eat away at your building. In
the same way conflicts eat away
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if they are married. So it
dies. In order to make this
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presentation practical we will
be using a scenario and it's
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about Bernard and his wife
Alice. I will pretend to be
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Bernard and she will pretend
to be Alice. Bernard wants a
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career change. He is tired
of doing what he is doing so he
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is going to classes at the
university in the evening. He
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is moving into information
technology where the money is,
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right? His wife Alice is an
administrative assistant in an
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office downtown. She comes
home first, picks up the baby,
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starts to prepare supper.
Whenever Bernard comes he is
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tired. He sits in his favorite
chair watching TV, waiting for
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supper. Well, the baby cries,
but Bernard doesn't even hear
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the baby. So his wife is
cooking, taking care of the
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baby, fixing this and that and
she gets tired of that after a
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while. But she doesn't
say anything until today. Then
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the baby screams. She loses
everything and she was having
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Bernard's favorite bowl to put
his food in and she just smashes
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it on the floor. So Bernard now
is angry and he is calling her
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bad names. She calls him worse
names. So that is our scenario.
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We are going to work through
how can Alice and Bernard
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resolve their conflict because
these six steps that they should
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take are the six steps that
anyone should take to resolve
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any conflict that we have.
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So anyone that is out there,
they probably need to get their
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pencil and paper out quickly
because these are important.
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Because this sounds
like a true life scenario
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Well, let's go to
Bernard and Alice.
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All right. So the first step, we
are going to look at the first
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step and that says to speak
wisely because we need to know
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how to speak. There is a text
for it: Colossians 4:6 and it
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says... the apostle Paul tells
us let your speech be always
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with grace. Season it with
salt so that you may know how to
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answer. So for Alice to
speak wisely she has to do four
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things. #1- She needs to
identify the problem, the
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specific problem. The problem,
of course, is the television;
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he's looking at television. The
second thing she needs to do is
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to express her feelings.
She probably was angry. That's a
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feeling. She probably felt like
a slave, doing everything. The
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third thing she should do is
to say what she wants because
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Bernard cannot read her mind.
But at the same time, she needs
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to say what she wants. What
she probably wants is for him to
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help her either in the kitchen
or with the baby. The fourth
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thing is the most important
of all of the four is that she
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should begin with "I", using
the pronoun "I" and not you.
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Because you see when I say you
I'm pointing the finger at you.
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Right? and I'm
blaming you for my feelings.
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And making me angry.
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Right. But when I say "I", I'm
pointing the finger at me and
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that reduces the
tension and it promotes peace.
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For example,
what should she say?
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She could say "You know,
Bernard, I really have a problem
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with this television. I am
very angry with you. I really
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need some help. I'm in
the kitchen, I'm preparing the
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dinner. I am taking care of the
baby. I need some help Bernard.
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All right, so we are saying that
the first step for resolving a
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conflict is not getting to the
conflict. It's that the person
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who has the conflict must know
how to speak about it in a way
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does not aggravate the other
person and that is by using
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"I" statements, speaking wisely.
The second step is that the
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person who is being spoken
to should listen actively, and
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actively is the important
word. How he is to listen.
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James 1:19 says "Wherefore
my beloved brethren let everyone
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be swift to hear, slow to speak,
slow to wrath. " The NIV says,
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"be quick to listen. " In fact
God has made us two ears and
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only one tongue, and that's
deliberate. We should learn to
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listen. Now how should Bernard
listen? Four things: There are
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four steps for speaking, there
are four steps for listening.
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Step #1 is he should acknowledge
what his wife is saying. That
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means he should be looking
at her when she is talking; good
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eye contact, positive body
language to let her know that
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she has his attention. Put
down the remote. Yeah, or the
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newspaper or whatever. #2-
He should interpret what she is
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saying. You know, when she is
talking, when anyone is talking.
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The words we speak are
only 7% of the message. The tone
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of voice, that tone of voice,
38% of the message and the body
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language is 55%. So when
we speak of listening actively
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we mean trying to get 100%. So
he has to look, listen and try
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to get how she is feeling.
He is interpreting the message.
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And after he acknowledges
and interprets, then he needs to
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confirm that he got the right
message because he could be
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getting the wrong message.
Confirming is what the waiter in
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a restaurant does when he takes
your order. He repeats, tells
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you back to make sure that
he is going to do what you want
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him to do. So Bernard should
confirm that he did get the
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message and he does so, point 4,
by what we call a restatement.
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A restatement is telling
her back what she told him, but
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using different words to let her
know that I got what you said
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and I got it straight, I
got it correct. So for example,
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Bernard's restatement would
be "Alice so you are mad with me
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for sitting in front of the
television. You think that I am
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a lazy man, not helping you
as I should and you want me to
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give you some help with the
baby or with some other part of
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the responsibilities there
in the kitchen. So that is the
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second step. The first step
is she must know how to speak.
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The second step is I must know
how to listen. That brings us
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to the third step.
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The third step say now we need
to exchange gracefully. And why
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do we do that?
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Well, we need to recognize
that that also is a biblical
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principle. And, J.D., in our
seminar every point is biblical.
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Every concept for family life is
found in scripture. It is there.
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The Bible says, Philippians 2:4
"Let each of you look out not
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only for his own interests,
but also for the interests of
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others. " That is a powerful
text. You see a problem is like
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a dollar bill and how many
sides does a dollar bill have?
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Two sides. There is no money
that has one side. So every
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story has two sides. In fact,
it has three sides. It has your
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side, it has my side, and
it has the right side. And the
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right side is neither your side
nor my side and you know that as
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a counselor. The two people
come and they tell you two
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different stories and neither of
them is 100% right. The truth is
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somewhere in between. So up
to now we have heard her side.
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I was told don't talk, listen.
But now that I am finished
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listening and she is satisfied
and her blood pressure is going
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down, now is my time to talk.
I am now the speaker with the
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"I" statement and she
will become a listener with the
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restatement. So now I want to
tell her, I am finally going to
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tell her why I am sitting in
front of the TV. "Alice, I am
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sitting in front of this TV day
after day because I am under a
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lot of stress; on my job there
is stress hour by hour and that
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is why, as you know, I am trying
to make a change in my career.
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I am going to evening
classes. But the problem is that
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something isn't clicking
there and I am failing the class
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and it looks as if I will not be
able to attain my goal. I have
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stress in the day on the job,
I have stress in the night and
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between those two I
need time, I need to relax,
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I need time out and that is why
I sit in front of the TV because
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that provides me with some
relaxation, some relaxation.
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Now I have used the "I"
statement, now I am telling her,
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and she is going to use the
restatement to tell me back what
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I told her.
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So Bernard you are saying
that you have stress on the job;
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that's why you want to go
to night school. Then you also
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said that you are
failing your class. Oh. So there
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is stress on the job and there
is stress in your night school
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and you seem as if your dream
is just crumbling to the ground.
00:17:03.04\00:17:06.48
So that's why you need time to
relax and that's why you look at
00:17:06.51\00:17:11.90
the television
when you get home.
00:17:11.93\00:17:13.82
That's right, that's right.
It is only now that we are
00:17:13.85\00:17:21.06
understanding one another.
It is only now that we have been
00:17:21.09\00:17:24.85
communicating, telling what is
on the inside and we would not
00:17:24.88\00:17:30.75
have been able to know
that unless we open up. Now I
00:17:30.78\00:17:35.33
was there with my stress,
but because I am mature, I don't
00:17:35.36\00:17:38.93
want to tell her that I have a
problem, and she is mad with me
00:17:38.96\00:17:43.85
but she is bottling it up.
We are now able to attack the
00:17:43.88\00:17:50.13
problem because now we
understand the problem.
00:17:50.16\00:17:52.94
It's like when you go to the
physician and you tell him you
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vomited blood, he doesn't start
writing a prescription, right?
00:17:57.65\00:18:04.20
He sends you to the lab, he
takes a sample, he is testing.
00:18:04.23\00:18:10.81
And when he gets all the data in
then he is ready to prescribe.
00:18:10.84\00:18:17.22
Communication is the diagnostic
process before we can find a
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cure. Sometimes it takes a long
time. Sometimes she has to talk
00:18:26.56\00:18:31.93
again and I listen and I have to
talk again and she listens and
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we have to do that talking and
listening, talking and listening
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until we get to the bottom of
the problem. When we understand
00:18:38.06\00:18:46.29
it, then we can
move to the next step.
00:18:46.32\00:18:49.22
So the next step says, create a
specific win/win solution. There
00:18:49.25\00:18:57.81
is a text for that, J.D.
Romans 12:10 and it says,
00:18:57.84\00:19:03.57
Be kindly affectionate one
to the other, in honor giving
00:19:03.60\00:19:10.73
preference to the other
person. A tremendous text!
00:19:10.76\00:19:14.81
Now let's look at this specific
win/win solution. Now specific
00:19:14.84\00:19:21.97
means that whatever solution we
arrive at, it must say what he
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should do, what Bernard should
do, and it should say what Alice
00:19:29.37\00:19:33.73
should do. Win/win says that I
should satisfy his needs and he
00:19:33.76\00:19:41.57
should satisfy my needs. So we
sit in order to create a win/win
00:19:41.60\00:19:49.61
solution.
00:19:49.64\00:19:50.61
There are a lot of
cases where it is a win/lose,
00:19:50.62\00:19:53.99
one is winning
and one is losing.
00:19:54.03\00:19:56.19
But we are saying now
it must be a win/win. Both
00:19:56.22\00:19:58.87
must get some of what we
want. Do you have an example?
00:19:58.91\00:20:03.20
Yes. "So Bernard, how about
this? Now I work with computers
00:20:03.23\00:20:12.80
on my job and I know about
computers and I could help you
00:20:12.83\00:20:17.48
in the nights or before you
go to class with your computer
00:20:17.51\00:20:21.94
assignment.
00:20:21.97\00:20:23.52
If you help me with my
assignment my stress for the
00:20:23.55\00:20:31.09
night classes will be gone and
I don't need to sit in front of
00:20:31.12\00:20:33.91
that TV anymore, so I will be
able to help you with the baby.
00:20:33.94\00:20:37.39
In fact, I will even
help you do the dishes.
00:20:37.42\00:20:39.78
Well that's okay too.
00:20:39.81\00:20:42.99
That's a win/win solution.
She is getting some of what she
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needs and I am getting some
of what I need, some relaxation
00:20:49.86\00:20:52.73
and it is specific in
what we are both to do.
00:20:52.76\00:20:57.37
Amen. That makes all
the sense in the world.
00:20:57.40\00:21:00.26
All right. And now
the last two steps.
00:21:00.29\00:21:03.38
Step #5 says, each say I
am sorry. James 5:16 says:
00:21:03.41\00:21:19.08
"Confess your faults one to
another. " And who should say
00:21:19.11\00:21:23.96
I'm sorry. Both of us because
both of us hurt one another.
00:21:23.99\00:21:29.92
And who should say it first?
Anyone. Sometimes we are waiting
00:21:29.95\00:21:34.99
on the other one. She says, you
should say it first. No. Anyone
00:21:35.02\00:21:41.38
Well, that's when the Holy
Spirit probably should lead one
00:21:41.41\00:21:44.62
of you to say it first if
you're in tune with the Lord.
00:21:44.75\00:21:48.52
Usually whoever is more
in touch with the Holy Spirit
00:21:48.56\00:21:51.16
will say it first. And
after we have done that,
00:21:51.19\00:21:52.81
Okay and the final step
says, pray with and pray for
00:21:52.84\00:21:56.91
each other. All right
and James 5:16 also says,
00:21:56.94\00:22:02.18
not only to confess as well
as to pray one for another that
00:22:02.21\00:22:07.73
you may be healed. Sometimes
we think that healing refers
00:22:07.76\00:22:13.91
only to the physical healing,
but, of course, there was more
00:22:13.94\00:22:18.59
healing to be done in
this scenario. There is the
00:22:18.62\00:22:22.06
emotional part because we hurt
each other. So we pray for each
00:22:22.09\00:22:27.56
other so that we can be healed.
So we pray for pardon, we
00:22:27.59\00:22:32.76
pray for healing and we
pray that God will bless the
00:22:32.79\00:22:38.22
solution, so that we can work
it out together very good and
00:22:38.25\00:22:43.69
then we will have a
happy relationship once again.
00:22:43.72\00:22:47.37
Well, these are the six
steps for solving any problem.
00:22:47.40\00:22:52.23
Before we review them, we want
to make our listeners aware that
00:22:52.26\00:22:58.73
this is a mini presentation,
that is it is a smaller version
00:22:58.76\00:23:05.89
of the full presentation, which
is an hour. We can come to your
00:23:05.92\00:23:10.03
church and do it or your pastor
can be taught how to do it.
00:23:10.06\00:23:13.49
Just access our web site
www. happyfamilybsi. com.
00:23:13.52\00:23:24.96
Our 800 number is 800-291-3060.
00:23:24.99\00:23:32.41
where you can access more than
50 seminars available for your
00:23:32.44\00:23:40.81
family, for your
church and for your community.
00:23:40.95\00:23:44.67
Well this certainly is practical
you know, I mean, this just
00:23:44.70\00:23:48.83
makes all the sense in the world
and if families would follow
00:23:48.86\00:23:52.82
this particular scenario;
this is a progressive process.
00:23:52.89\00:23:55.89
You know, I'm sure that it could
make major changes in their
00:23:55.92\00:24:00.81
lives. Of course, the first
thing they have to do is get
00:24:00.84\00:24:02.94
pride out of the way, you know,
and they have to start some
00:24:02.97\00:24:06.50
place. It just depends on how
bad they want it, because there
00:24:06.53\00:24:10.20
is no reason why... I mean
this is so practical and just so
00:24:10.23\00:24:14.18
easy that if one of them will
take that first step then this
00:24:14.21\00:24:18.12
certainly could work. Why
don't we go back through and
00:24:18.15\00:24:20.53
review them again right quick.
00:24:20.56\00:24:22.12
All right. So the first step is
00:24:22.15\00:24:24.50
To speak wisely; know how
to speak and follow those four
00:24:24.53\00:24:28.33
things, especially the last one,
use "I". Begin with "I", not
00:24:28.36\00:24:34.93
"you" but "I".
00:24:34.96\00:24:36.44
The second step is the other
person must learn how to listen,
00:24:36.47\00:24:41.31
not defend yourself, not explain
anything at that point; just
00:24:41.34\00:24:46.30
listen actively. When you think
you have understood what was
00:24:46.33\00:24:53.61
being said, then you use
a restatement. That is, you
00:24:53.64\00:24:58.57
giving back what has
been said in different words.
00:24:58.60\00:25:01.41
Well I know about acknowledge.
Boy! I hear about that in our
00:25:01.44\00:25:05.10
household. You know, because
00:25:05.13\00:25:07.05
men are good at just grunting
00:25:07.08\00:25:08.77
and Shelley, she will sit
and she will wait, and she says
00:25:09.77\00:25:13.01
Yes? Yes? Is there any
acknowledgement? and so, you
00:25:13.04\00:25:18.26
know, this is real life here.
Now thank goodness, you know,
00:25:18.29\00:25:22.12
because our life is based around
the Lord it doesn't get out of
00:25:22.22\00:25:24.92
hand. But, anyway, go ahead.
00:25:25.06\00:25:26.79
The third step is
to exchange gracefully.
00:25:26.82\00:25:30.13
So we will switch places and the
other person will take his turn
00:25:30.16\00:25:34.60
now to talk while the
first person is going to listen.
00:25:34.63\00:25:38.67
You do that with respect and
you do that as many times as it
00:25:38.70\00:25:43.81
is necessary. Exchange, talk
and listen until we get to the
00:25:43.84\00:25:48.69
bottom of the story and
then we can come to the...
00:25:48.72\00:25:53.19
Step #4, which says to
create now a specific win/win
00:25:53.60\00:25:57.90
solution. Say what you will
do, say what each person will do
00:25:57.93\00:26:02.67
and it must be win/win.
Each person must get something.
00:26:02.70\00:26:06.49
So that it is
mutually beneficial.
00:26:06.52\00:26:08.07
Mutually beneficial, and that's
a big word, mutual, mutual
00:26:08.10\00:26:11.67
agreement, right? And then
to say I'm sorry. Both should
00:26:11.70\00:26:16.99
say I'm sorry.
00:26:17.02\00:26:18.25
And then, of course, to pray.
00:26:18.28\00:26:19.76
Ask the Lord to bless what
we are doing. Therefore, every
00:26:19.79\00:26:27.49
listener needs to ask himself
or herself the questions.
00:26:27.52\00:26:30.80
#1. Am I willing to practice
this process? Talking and
00:26:30.83\00:26:38.75
and listening, talking
and listening; communication.
00:26:38.78\00:26:41.04
#2. Are we willing to create a
win/win solution? To work at it
00:26:41.07\00:26:45.87
until we get a solution.
#3. Am I willing to make Christ
00:26:45.90\00:26:50.33
the great problem solver?
Because he who could say, peace
00:26:50.36\00:26:56.29
be still to the storm on
Galilee can bring peace to
00:26:56.32\00:27:00.76
our homes and to our hearts.
00:27:00.79\00:27:03.13
Why don't we just close
this out with a word of prayer,
00:27:03.16\00:27:06.54
if you would, Gordon.
00:27:06.57\00:27:07.67
Sure. Dear God, you are the
great problem solver. Teach us
00:27:07.70\00:27:12.67
to talk, teach us to listen,
teach us to create win/win
00:27:12.70\00:27:15.92
solutions, teach us to make you
Lord of our homes and Lord of
00:27:15.95\00:27:20.00
our hearts. We ask in
Jesus' name. Amen, Amen
00:27:20.04\00:27:23.74
I just want to thank both of
you on behalf of 3ABN for being
00:27:23.78\00:27:27.51
with us today. This is a
wonderful program. This program
00:27:27.54\00:27:31.46
here not only affects us at
life, at our home, you know,
00:27:31.49\00:27:35.33
our home life, but just life in
general. I can see where there
00:27:35.37\00:27:38.81
is this progressive process to
make this work. So I just thank
00:27:38.85\00:27:42.26
you for being here.
00:27:42.29\00:27:43.47
We are happy to be here. It's
a delight. Our prayer is that it
00:27:44.72\00:27:46.74
will be used
effectively everywhere.
00:27:46.78\00:27:48.86
Amen, Amen. I just want to thank
everyone out there being with
00:27:48.89\00:27:53.02
us today at Issues and Answers.
God Bless you. We love you.
00:27:53.06\00:27:57.15