Welcome to Issues and Answers.
00:00:29.86\00:00:31.67
My name is J.D. Quinn. We
have an interesting topic today,
00:00:31.70\00:00:36.28
marriage. I always like to
start off with a scripture.
00:00:36.32\00:00:40.87
We're going to
go to Genesis 2:24.
00:00:40.90\00:00:43.86
For this reason a man will leave
his father and mother and be
00:00:43.90\00:00:48.24
united to his wife and
they will become one flesh.
00:00:48.28\00:00:51.55
To break marriage down, we're
going to talk about marital
00:00:51.58\00:00:56.02
expectations and we have
some experts here on marital
00:00:56.05\00:01:00.06
expectations. Pastors Mike
and Gayle Tucker from Arlington,
00:01:00.10\00:01:05.72
Texas. Welcome to
Issues and Answers. Thank you.
00:01:05.76\00:01:09.50
Share real quickly
something about yourself.
00:01:09.53\00:01:13.21
We are from Arlington. In
Arlington we have a church that
00:01:13.24\00:01:17.47
we pastor together of
almost 1800 members now.
00:01:17.51\00:01:21.25
And I understand that you're
00:01:21.28\00:01:22.99
commissioned and a credentialed
00:01:23.03\00:01:24.67
pastor yourself. Yes I
am. I stay busy with the
00:01:24.70\00:01:28.63
children's ministries,
women's ministries, kind of
00:01:28.67\00:01:32.53
administrative duties around the
church and worship and music.
00:01:32.56\00:01:37.18
That's right, and I'm the senior
pastor but I also am speaker/
00:01:37.22\00:01:41.50
director for Faith for Today
television. So we try to combine
00:01:41.53\00:01:45.32
all that together. We shoot
one of the programs there at the
00:01:45.35\00:01:49.10
church when we do worship
and then we also do Lifestyle
00:01:49.14\00:01:52.47
Magazine, The Evidence and
a few other things like that.
00:01:52.51\00:01:55.80
Wasn't that William Fagal?
00:01:55.84\00:01:57.51
Yes William Fagal started
this in 1950, May of 1950.
00:01:57.55\00:02:01.41
I know when I was growing
up we used to always listen to
00:02:01.45\00:02:05.28
Faith for Today. Yes,
that's right. We did too.
00:02:05.31\00:02:06.76
William and Virginia. Virginia
is still alive and well.
00:02:06.79\00:02:09.48
She's doing great. Still
driving her can in L.A. traffic.
00:02:09.52\00:02:12.17
Oh my goodness.
Frightens me but she'll do it.
00:02:12.21\00:02:14.27
She's just as
sharp as they come.
00:02:14.31\00:02:17.47
Marital expectations. Man that's
a biggie right there because
00:02:17.50\00:02:23.20
I'm assuming what you're
saying is that you enter into a
00:02:23.23\00:02:26.25
marriage expecting something.
Where do we go with this?
00:02:26.28\00:02:29.32
They're kind of silent
expectations. We don't always
00:02:29.36\00:02:32.25
know, we don't always put
our finger on them and yet...
00:02:32.29\00:02:35.11
In research that was done over
20 years it was discovered that
00:02:35.15\00:02:40.85
there are about five things for
men and about five things for
00:02:40.88\00:02:46.31
women that are typically their
most common needs; the things
00:02:46.35\00:02:51.74
that they need in marriage.
00:02:51.78\00:02:53.38
These tend to be emotional needs
and basically the person who
00:02:53.41\00:02:57.78
meets these emotional needs
for you becomes irresistible.
00:02:57.81\00:03:01.66
Now the research was done by
Willard Harley; most of this was
00:03:01.70\00:03:05.15
done by him. He's got a book
entitled His Needs, Her Needs:
00:03:05.18\00:03:08.60
Building an Affair Proof
Marriage and now he's working
00:03:08.64\00:03:11.15
with his daughter who is named
Jennifer Chalmers and she also
00:03:11.18\00:03:16.05
has co-authored a book with
him as well: How to Survive an
00:03:16.09\00:03:19.81
Affair. But they deal with
these basic emotional needs in
00:03:19.85\00:03:23.97
marriage. Now we have added an
emotional need that Harley has
00:03:24.01\00:03:28.20
not added and that is the need
for spiritual intimacy. I think
00:03:28.24\00:03:31.88
that women are usually more
keenly aware of this need than
00:03:31.91\00:03:35.48
are men, but it is a need that
both of us have and when we find
00:03:35.51\00:03:40.13
that genuine spirituality
together it draws us together,
00:03:40.16\00:03:44.13
it makes us one. In fact, I
think that when a man is truly
00:03:44.16\00:03:48.19
the spiritual leader of his home
and by that I mean a gracious
00:03:48.23\00:03:52.43
gentle, loving, kind leader who
leads by example rather than by
00:03:52.47\00:03:57.46
fiat, that makes that man almost
irresistible to his wife because
00:03:57.50\00:04:01.59
it draws her to him because
that's what a woman really wants
00:04:01.62\00:04:05.68
in her home is a
gentle, kind, spiritual leader.
00:04:05.71\00:04:08.71
That's absolutely true. You can
talk to almost any young woman
00:04:08.75\00:04:13.09
who has any kind of a Christian
or spiritual background and one
00:04:13.13\00:04:16.82
thing that she wants is to have
someone who will be a spiritual
00:04:16.86\00:04:20.52
leader, who will share that
with her. Sometimes guys don't
00:04:20.55\00:04:24.38
recognize that fact. They think
they have to be Mr. Handsome.
00:04:24.42\00:04:27.52
They have to have the right car,
they have to make enough money,
00:04:27.55\00:04:30.70
and they don't realize that
what she really wants is someone
00:04:30.74\00:04:33.85
that's willing
to connect with God.
00:04:33.88\00:04:35.48
And lead that whole family
in that process. Gayle tells me
00:04:35.51\00:04:41.69
that she's most
attracted to me when I preach.
00:04:41.73\00:04:44.88
That's really true.
Which just shocked me to no
00:04:44.91\00:04:48.00
end, it really did. But that
makes me feel good to know that
00:04:48.03\00:04:53.77
I can be a spiritual mentor for
my wife; as I preach that that
00:04:53.81\00:04:59.51
draws her to me. What
makes it absolutely to me
00:04:59.55\00:05:04.07
fantastic is that this is
when the Holy Spirit is working
00:05:04.10\00:05:08.70
through you and this is when
Pastor Mike Tucker probably is
00:05:08.74\00:05:13.09
at his best because he is
surrendered to the Holy Spirit.
00:05:13.13\00:05:16.60
So that says a lot about you
of what you're seeing in your
00:05:16.64\00:05:20.07
husband. And even
though all of us are
00:05:20.11\00:05:23.44
imperfect people, Mike is an
imperfect person, I can see a
00:05:23.47\00:05:27.43
consistency in his life
that what he preaches is what he
00:05:27.46\00:05:31.90
also endeavors to live out
in his life at home. And if that
00:05:31.94\00:05:36.31
were not true... There are a lot
of pastors wives who don't ever
00:05:36.34\00:05:40.50
want to hear their husband
preach because there's an
00:05:40.53\00:05:43.47
incongruence there. But if there
is a congruency between what he
00:05:43.51\00:05:46.96
says in the pulpit and what he
lives in his life, then that's
00:05:47.00\00:05:50.87
extremely attractive because I
know that he's allowing the Lord
00:05:50.91\00:05:55.75
to speak and he's putting his
efforts into sharing that with
00:05:55.78\00:06:00.59
people around. And I
think that women will see
00:06:00.62\00:06:03.83
spirituality as a gentleness.
Sometimes as a man we think
00:06:03.86\00:06:08.34
well I'm going to make the
family toe the line. I've got
00:06:08.38\00:06:11.58
this, this and this we're
going to do. I'm going to get it
00:06:11.61\00:06:15.19
organized. But I think that a
woman sees genuine spirituality
00:06:15.22\00:06:18.97
in someone who leads by example
and is gentle and kind and
00:06:19.01\00:06:22.73
loving and
respectful for others.
00:06:22.76\00:06:24.32
Well spirituality is simply
living out the spirit of Christ.
00:06:24.36\00:06:28.85
And to know that you husband
would deal with the family in
00:06:28.89\00:06:32.84
the way that Christ dealt with
people and that your wife would
00:06:32.87\00:06:36.23
deal with the family in the way
that Christ dealt with people.
00:06:36.26\00:06:40.11
There's a gentleness and a love
that just surpasses everything
00:06:40.14\00:06:43.95
else and you can't
get better than that.
00:06:43.99\00:06:46.49
No you can't. Men
and women both have this
00:06:46.53\00:06:48.96
need but the problem is
that after that the needs get
00:06:49.00\00:06:52.94
different. Women need a
different set of things than
00:06:52.97\00:06:56.80
men do emotionally in
marriage. Okay and they are?
00:06:56.83\00:07:00.58
Okay and again Willard Harley
has shared this. I'm going to
00:07:00.62\00:07:03.22
share with you first of all some
of the women's needs and I do
00:07:03.25\00:07:06.07
that for a specific reason. God
has invited men to be head of
00:07:06.11\00:07:09.19
the household and that does
not mean that we're the lawgiver
00:07:09.22\00:07:12.27
but it means that we take
the initiative in love first.
00:07:12.30\00:07:16.43
Jesus said husbands love your
wives even as Christ loved the
00:07:16.46\00:07:19.62
church and gave himself for it.
Christ had a self-sacrificial
00:07:19.66\00:07:22.86
love for the church and that's
how we are to love our wives.
00:07:22.90\00:07:26.38
So basically we are to meet
the needs of our wives first
00:07:26.42\00:07:29.83
because if she meets our needs
without our having met hers she
00:07:29.86\00:07:33.96
feels cheap and tawdry and we
don't want to go there. So the
00:07:34.00\00:07:37.83
very first need that I think
most women have in marriage is
00:07:37.87\00:07:41.52
the need for affection.
And affection is different than
00:07:41.55\00:07:46.10
foreplay. There's a big
confusion of that in most men's
00:07:46.14\00:07:50.62
minds. Affection is romance.
It's tenderness, it's kindness,
00:07:50.66\00:07:54.21
it's sitting on the couch
and cuddling, it's giving her
00:07:54.25\00:07:57.85
flowers for no reason,
it's remembering birthdays and
00:07:57.89\00:08:00.87
holidays and anniversaries
with sentimental rather than
00:08:00.90\00:08:04.20
practical gifts. It's telling
her that she's pretty. It's
00:08:04.23\00:08:07.46
remembering those times together
That's affection. It's basically
00:08:07.50\00:08:12.24
romance, the knight in
shining armor it is to be.
00:08:12.28\00:08:15.57
And even above romance I
think affection for a woman is
00:08:15.61\00:08:23.42
gentleness and tenderness and
most often it's played out in
00:08:23.46\00:08:31.24
the tone of voice. When Mike
00:08:31.28\00:08:33.91
speaks to me if he speaks to me
00:08:33.95\00:08:36.20
with respect and gentleness and
00:08:36.23\00:08:38.29
tenderness, that's going to go
00:08:38.32\00:08:40.31
far above just about anything
else. That their affection is
00:08:40.34\00:08:45.81
touch but it's nonsexual touch.
It's just a touch that says I
00:08:45.85\00:08:50.61
care about you, it's holding
hands or its just rubbing the
00:08:50.64\00:08:55.72
shoulders or just a gentle touch
as you pass in the hallway.
00:08:55.76\00:09:00.12
An arm around the shoulder.
It's holding one another but not
00:09:00.16\00:09:04.49
necessarily. It's
just the communication of
00:09:04.52\00:09:08.81
all sorts that says I love you
I value you, you are a person
00:09:08.85\00:09:13.80
that I want to be
with. That's right.
00:09:13.83\00:09:15.69
Well hope men are listening to
00:09:15.72\00:09:17.95
this because this is a tough
00:09:17.99\00:09:19.99
issue right here because there
00:09:20.02\00:09:21.81
are mixed signals aren't there?
00:09:21.85\00:09:23.57
If the only time that I touch
my wife is when I want something
00:09:23.60\00:09:27.26
from her, she will resent
my touch, she will resent it.
00:09:27.29\00:09:32.07
The second need for
women is conversation.
00:09:32.11\00:09:35.40
And conversation... they say
that women have more words than
00:09:35.43\00:09:40.07
men and men use theirs all
up while they're out at work and
00:09:40.10\00:09:44.92
then they don't have any to
use at home, but I don't know if
00:09:44.96\00:09:49.75
that's true or not.
Well I think that's true.
00:09:49.78\00:09:53.63
For a lot of men I think so.
00:09:53.67\00:09:54.64
But I do know that women desire
to share their lives through
00:09:54.65\00:09:58.25
conversation, through just
talking about the day's events.
00:09:58.29\00:10:01.59
Talking about what's happening
in your life, what's happening
00:10:01.62\00:10:06.51
in my life. Men can help fulfill
that need by simply thinking
00:10:06.55\00:10:11.40
throughout the day, you
know this happened; I'm going to
00:10:11.44\00:10:14.35
share this with my wife when I
get home. Think up a few things
00:10:14.39\00:10:19.31
that you can tell her about and
you can share. Women are also
00:10:19.35\00:10:23.92
looking for conversation that's
uninterrupted, that's not over
00:10:23.96\00:10:27.97
the paper, Yes hon, you know
and the paper's still there.
00:10:28.01\00:10:33.04
Why are you giggling here?
She knows you're not listening
00:10:33.07\00:10:38.07
when you do that. You
know, our lives are busy and
00:10:38.10\00:10:43.10
there are so many things going
on that sometimes it's hard to
00:10:43.13\00:10:46.87
ever find time to just actually
sit down and face-to-face,
00:10:46.90\00:10:50.36
eye-to-eye to share with one
another but it's important to do
00:10:50.39\00:10:53.80
that or even at night when you
are lying in bed before you go
00:10:53.83\00:10:57.86
to sleep to just talk together,
share the day's events, share
00:10:57.90\00:11:01.24
something you read from the
Bible, talk about what happened
00:11:01.28\00:11:04.92
with the children and just make
sure that there are times that
00:11:04.96\00:11:08.57
you actually spend together
and that you share together.
00:11:08.60\00:11:11.49
Another need for women
is the need for commitment.
00:11:11.53\00:11:14.49
Women need to know that their
husband is committed to the
00:11:14.53\00:11:19.46
family, that their family comes
above work and all the other
00:11:19.50\00:11:24.56
things, hobbies, the golf game,
whatever. Not that those things
00:11:24.59\00:11:28.66
are not important and that he
shouldn't be able to engage in
00:11:28.69\00:11:32.72
those. Those are important
as well, but you can send a
00:11:32.76\00:11:36.84
message to your wife that says
above all of those things come
00:11:36.87\00:11:40.38
you and the children if
there are children in your home.
00:11:40.41\00:11:44.18
That I am totally committed
to you. God has given you to me
00:11:44.22\00:11:48.53
and I will do everything in
my power to let you know that I
00:11:48.57\00:11:52.62
love you, that I will provide
a secure place for you, I am
00:11:52.66\00:11:56.68
committed to this family.
00:11:56.72\00:11:57.69
Women spell commitment the same
way they spell love, T-I-M-E.
00:11:57.70\00:12:02.51
So if I'm giving adequate time
to my wife and to my family then
00:12:02.54\00:12:07.48
they know that I'm committed and
00:12:07.51\00:12:09.20
that I love. There's only one
00:12:09.23\00:12:10.76
commitment in my life that can
00:12:10.80\00:12:12.29
supersede my commitment to my
00:12:12.32\00:12:13.74
wife and my family and that is
my commitment to Jesus Christ.
00:12:13.78\00:12:17.23
But everything else comes after
my family and that's commitment
00:12:17.26\00:12:20.68
It means that the word
divorce is not going to enter my
00:12:20.72\00:12:23.65
vocabulary. We're going to find
options, we're going to find
00:12:23.69\00:12:26.13
solutions to our problems.
Another need for women in
00:12:26.16\00:12:30.59
marriage has to do with openness
and honesty. That means that my
00:12:30.62\00:12:35.03
life has to be transparent
before Gayle and I have to be
00:12:35.07\00:12:38.63
totally honest before her.
I can't have hidden emotions
00:12:38.67\00:12:42.16
before this woman. When she says
what's wrong and I say nothing,
00:12:42.20\00:12:45.53
it had better be nothing or
I have just been closed before
00:12:45.57\00:12:49.72
this woman. So I need to be open
and honest about my emotions,
00:12:49.75\00:12:53.51
but I also need to be open and
honest about the events of my
00:12:53.54\00:12:57.35
life. We've been married for
31 years and Gayle has never had
00:12:57.39\00:13:02.20
reason to doubt my fidelity
and yet to this day she has my
00:13:02.24\00:13:06.29
permission to check my Day
Timer to call me to check on me.
00:13:06.33\00:13:10.18
I'm not going to lie to her.
I want to be honest about the
00:13:10.22\00:13:13.83
events of my life, about the
schedule of my day so that she
00:13:13.86\00:13:17.83
has perfect trust in me. That
is something that I must earn
00:13:17.86\00:13:23.06
from her. I must win that right
for her to trust me. And I do
00:13:23.10\00:13:28.27
that by openness and by honesty.
Some men lie in order to protect
00:13:28.31\00:13:31.34
their spouse. That's always a
mistake. Some men lie in order
00:13:31.38\00:13:35.05
to protect themselves, that's
a bigger mistake. Some men lie
00:13:35.09\00:13:38.27
because they're habitual liars.
You know they're lying, their
00:13:38.31\00:13:41.82
lips are moving. That's even the
biggest mistake, because a woman
00:13:41.86\00:13:44.93
has to be able to trust you,
to know that what you are saying
00:13:44.97\00:13:48.65
is true. You have to be open and
honest before her or else how
00:13:48.69\00:13:52.75
could she give herself and her
life to you. She's taken on your
00:13:52.78\00:13:56.00
name, she's surrendered most
everything else about her life
00:13:56.04\00:13:59.25
in order to be with your and if
you're not going to be open and
00:13:59.28\00:14:03.04
honest with her there can be no
trust. So openness and honesty
00:14:03.08\00:14:06.81
are very essential I
think in this relationship.
00:14:06.84\00:14:09.38
The last of the most common
five needs is financial support.
00:14:09.42\00:14:14.24
It's important to a woman to
know that her husband desires
00:14:14.27\00:14:18.89
to support the family, that
he wants to be the breadwinner.
00:14:18.92\00:14:23.12
He wants to make sure that
there is enough, that things are
00:14:23.15\00:14:27.00
provided. Now that doesn't mean
that the woman can't also work
00:14:27.04\00:14:30.85
and most women don't resent
having to contribute, helping
00:14:30.89\00:14:36.09
out if they have to work part
time or full time as long as
00:14:36.12\00:14:41.05
they know that within his
heart is the idea that he is the
00:14:41.09\00:14:45.15
provider for this family
and that he desires to do that.
00:14:45.19\00:14:50.34
He desires to provide. It
does not have to be millions of
00:14:50.37\00:14:55.49
dollars or anything like that.
00:14:55.52\00:14:56.81
Which is fortunate for me.
00:14:56.85\00:14:58.13
Yeah, it's a good thing.
00:14:58.17\00:14:59.38
Because I'm not going to
make millions of dollars.
00:14:59.41\00:15:02.68
We run across situations every
once in a while where the woman
00:15:02.72\00:15:08.42
provides more funds than the man
brings in. Sometimes that's a
00:15:08.45\00:15:14.12
problem for the man. It
is sometimes for the man.
00:15:14.16\00:15:16.78
Sometimes it becomes an issue.
I think for most women it does
00:15:16.82\00:15:21.32
not matter, you know, if I made
more money than Mike but I still
00:15:21.36\00:15:25.97
know that he considers himself
to be the provider. Then to me
00:15:26.00\00:15:30.58
that need is fulfilled. He's
doing everything that he can do
00:15:30.62\00:15:35.16
in his area, his career,
whatever it happens to be.
00:15:35.20\00:15:38.01
Men have to be open minded
enough about this to realize
00:15:38.05\00:15:40.80
that their position as a man is
not determined by how much money
00:15:40.83\00:15:46.42
they make or whether or not
they make more than their wife.
00:15:46.46\00:15:49.40
There has to be a level of
security within a man to be able
00:15:49.43\00:15:52.72
to deal with that. But still
if the desire of his heart is to
00:15:52.75\00:15:56.38
provide for his wife, that's all
we're talking about, that's the
00:15:56.41\00:16:00.00
key. There's a
miracle to me that
00:16:00.03\00:16:01.77
happens. You know, Mike and I
came from different backgrounds,
00:16:01.80\00:16:05.19
didn't know each other
until a few months before we got
00:16:05.22\00:16:08.88
married and on the day we
got married suddenly there is in
00:16:08.92\00:16:14.62
this man's heart a desire to
support me financially. All of a
00:16:14.65\00:16:19.11
sudden everything that he has
is mine. Do you have money for
00:16:19.14\00:16:23.08
this, do you need that. That's
just miraculous in my mind.
00:16:23.12\00:16:27.35
It's something that God puts
in the heart of a man and it's a
00:16:27.39\00:16:31.83
wonderful thing and it fulfills
a great need within me because
00:16:31.87\00:16:35.86
it gives me security of knowing
that he desires to care for me
00:16:35.89\00:16:39.84
and my family.
Wonderfully put, that is
00:16:39.88\00:16:43.77
wonderfully put. It's so true.
00:16:43.81\00:16:45.82
Those are the five most basic
needs for a woman in marriage.
00:16:45.86\00:16:49.54
And every woman may be a little
bit different. Some women may
00:16:49.58\00:16:53.23
say well that one is not
on my list or that would be a
00:16:53.27\00:16:55.80
different order and that's fine.
It doesn't make them strange,
00:16:55.83\00:16:59.07
it makes them you, you know,
I mean it's okay to be that way
00:16:59.10\00:17:02.07
as long as you know what that
list is and you share that with
00:17:02.10\00:17:05.30
your husband. And your husband
needs to know what that is.
00:17:05.34\00:17:08.47
Now those needs must be met in
order for the husband's needs to
00:17:08.51\00:17:12.45
be met or again the woman will
feel cheap and tawdry. So let's
00:17:12.49\00:17:15.92
go to the man's needs and
the number one need for most men
00:17:15.96\00:17:19.36
in marriage is sexual
fulfillment and that means that
00:17:19.40\00:17:23.01
she is available for and willing
to be a participant in the act
00:17:23.05\00:17:26.90
of love making. Again, not every
man will be on that same page
00:17:26.94\00:17:30.28
some will have a different list
and that's fine; it doesn't make
00:17:30.32\00:17:33.35
them less of a man. But most
men will report that this is the
00:17:33.38\00:17:36.53
number one way that their wife
can demonstrate to them that
00:17:36.56\00:17:39.74
she loves him and that she
cares for him. Now there's an
00:17:39.78\00:17:42.94
interesting thing about
this particular need. A man is
00:17:42.97\00:17:46.06
completely vulnerable to a wife
for this need. Gayles need for
00:17:46.10\00:17:49.49
conversation I need to be the
number one supplier of that but
00:17:49.53\00:17:52.86
she can also talk to other
people and fulfill some of that
00:17:52.90\00:17:56.25
need. Affection: I'm the number
one supplier for that but she
00:17:56.29\00:17:59.43
can also have hugs with other
people or have other people
00:17:59.46\00:18:02.29
say nice things to her and
it doesn't violate the marriage.
00:18:02.33\00:18:05.71
But if I fulfill any portion of
my need for sexual fulfillment
00:18:05.75\00:18:09.19
outside of the marriage vow, the
marriage relationship, I have
00:18:09.23\00:18:12.46
just violated the marriage vow
which makes me totally dependent
00:18:12.50\00:18:15.70
before this woman for this
particular need. So a lot of
00:18:15.74\00:18:18.86
communication has to go on here
to know exactly am I meeting
00:18:18.89\00:18:22.62
that need, is this being
fulfilled in you. And that's the
00:18:22.66\00:18:26.32
number one need for most men in
marriage is sexual fulfillment.
00:18:26.36\00:18:29.53
The second need is for an
attractive spouse. That doesn't
00:18:29.56\00:18:33.87
mean that she has to be
some model pertaining to this
00:18:33.90\00:18:38.14
unrealistic idea of feminine
beauty that we have because of
00:18:38.17\00:18:41.91
the media today. That's not
what we're talking about at all.
00:18:41.94\00:18:45.99
It means that Gayle does her
best to make herself attractive
00:18:46.03\00:18:49.85
for me. She dresses well.
She takes care of her hair. She
00:18:49.88\00:18:53.45
keeps her weight in line. She
does her best to make herself
00:18:53.48\00:18:57.90
look good for me. I even tell
women that what they wear to bed
00:18:57.93\00:19:02.30
should be attractive. We have a
little agreement; I buy Gayle's
00:19:02.34\00:19:06.20
nighties. You know if she wears
it to bed it's because I bought
00:19:06.23\00:19:10.05
it. Now I've learned over
the years not to have as many
00:19:10.09\00:19:13.88
mistakes in what I buy. I've got
a drawer full of mistakes where
00:19:13.91\00:19:18.12
she said over my dead body and
so that goes over here; it won't
00:19:18.16\00:19:21.45
be worn, but I have learned what
she feels comfortable wearing
00:19:21.49\00:19:25.26
and what I like seeing her
in so that's what I buy for her.
00:19:25.30\00:19:29.58
Because Gayle wants to look nice
for me. In the back of every
00:19:29.61\00:19:33.85
man's mind he understands
something that he may not be
00:19:33.89\00:19:37.16
able to put in words and
that is that is that in part his
00:19:37.20\00:19:41.35
competence as a man will
be judged by other men by what
00:19:41.38\00:19:45.46
his wife looks like. Now there's
nothing fair about this, there's
00:19:45.50\00:19:50.02
nothing right about it but
this is just life as it is; that
00:19:50.06\00:19:54.69
other men will judge you and
your competence by how your wife
00:19:54.72\00:19:58.38
looks and by the way, you
look pretty good because of her.
00:19:58.41\00:20:02.03
You've married
an attractive woman.
00:20:02.06\00:20:04.81
Well I think so. She's
intelligent and competent
00:20:04.85\00:20:09.45
as well and a spiritual woman
as well which makes you look
00:20:09.48\00:20:12.72
very good. And I feel the same
thing is true in my life as well
00:20:12.75\00:20:17.71
It is true. So my
competence as a man is
00:20:17.74\00:20:20.97
gaged in part by how she
looks but also a man is visually
00:20:21.01\00:20:25.12
stimulated even more so
than a woman is. We are visual
00:20:25.16\00:20:29.20
creatures and so it's important
that she does her best to look
00:20:29.24\00:20:31.75
her best for me. So
those are the first two needs.
00:20:31.78\00:20:35.06
All right. The next one
is a recreational companion.
00:20:35.09\00:20:38.29
recreational companionship
is important for men. When you
00:20:38.33\00:20:42.57
think about how people get
together when they date at first
00:20:42.61\00:20:45.88
there are things that they do
together that they really enjoy.
00:20:45.91\00:20:49.15
Often we have the problem of
00:20:49.18\00:20:51.44
once we kind of get into
the daily grind of being married
00:20:51.48\00:20:54.68
we stop doing those things and
00:20:54.72\00:20:56.55
the man is going well how come
00:20:56.59\00:20:58.65
we never go play anymore? How
00:20:58.68\00:21:00.67
come we never do this and the
wife is going well I'm busy, you
00:21:00.71\00:21:04.53
go ahead, go out and go on with
the guys. Well the fact is women
00:21:04.56\00:21:08.35
bond by shared emotions.
00:21:08.38\00:21:10.47
And that's why the conversation
thing is so important to them.
00:21:10.51\00:21:13.72
That's important. But men bond
by shared activity and women
00:21:13.76\00:21:17.24
need to be aware of that. So
if men are bonding to the people
00:21:17.28\00:21:20.77
that they are sharing activity
with who do you want them to
00:21:20.80\00:21:24.03
bond with? Do you always want
your husband to be out bonding
00:21:24.07\00:21:27.45
with someone else or do you want
them to bond with you? So we
00:21:27.48\00:21:30.83
need to maintain a
playful attitude. Let's have fun
00:21:30.86\00:21:34.85
together, let's do things
together; whatever it happens
00:21:34.89\00:21:38.81
to be. Maybe you like to golf
together. Maybe you like to play
00:21:38.84\00:21:43.80
chess together. Maybe you're
bird watchers. Whatever you
00:21:43.83\00:21:47.11
happen to do don't stop doing
it. Women need to be aware that
00:21:47.14\00:21:51.99
their husband is drawn close
to them when they have this
00:21:52.03\00:21:57.30
activity together.
They need a buddy and a pal.
00:21:57.33\00:21:59.67
I know in our situation, I love
00:21:59.70\00:22:02.10
to play golf. Well and what does
00:22:02.14\00:22:04.09
Shelley do? She goes out and
00:22:04.12\00:22:06.22
takes lessons. I'm more athletic
00:22:06.25\00:22:08.26
that Shelley is and so it comes
00:22:08.29\00:22:10.23
easier for me than it does
for her but she goes out and she
00:22:10.26\00:22:13.92
takes lessons and she's right
out there playing and it brings
00:22:13.96\00:22:17.58
joy to my heart.
Absolutely. You can do it
00:22:17.62\00:22:20.02
together. You know, we actually
did the same thing. We play golf
00:22:20.05\00:22:25.39
together and Mike is a much
better golfer than I am so we
00:22:25.42\00:22:29.27
figured out how to do it for
the two of us. We play best ball
00:22:29.30\00:22:33.28
when we go together. That way
he's not up on the green and I'm
00:22:33.31\00:22:37.25
out in the trees somewhere.
Whoever hits the best shot
00:22:37.29\00:22:42.10
that's where we go and sometimes
we take mine. I usually tell him
00:22:42.14\00:22:48.71
whenever we take the first shot
of mine during the day I'm like
00:22:48.75\00:22:55.29
okay I'm good now. I had
some value in coming here today
00:22:55.32\00:22:59.95
because we took one of my shots.
But it works well for us to do
00:22:59.99\00:23:04.46
that. It does. And we're both
00:23:04.49\00:23:05.46
competitive so we also have
another agreement with our golf
00:23:05.47\00:23:08.89
game. We don't give golf tips to
one another. We don't go there.
00:23:08.92\00:23:14.69
Then we have a great
time together, we really do.
00:23:14.73\00:23:17.16
Yeah, we just enjoy
being out there. No phones, no
00:23:17.20\00:23:19.60
anything. Well
we better move on.
00:23:19.63\00:23:22.69
Okay. The next one has to do
with domestic support. Now you
00:23:22.73\00:23:27.15
notice I didn't say a domestic
slave, but domestic support.
00:23:27.19\00:23:30.93
I help around the house and
especially when the children
00:23:30.96\00:23:34.84
were in the home and Gayle
had to go back to work, I became
00:23:34.88\00:23:38.58
laundry man. To this day it's
been 20 some years and I still
00:23:38.62\00:23:42.26
sort, I know how to do delicates
I can presoak, I separate colors
00:23:42.29\00:23:46.07
well and so I do laundry. That's
what I do to help around the
00:23:46.10\00:23:49.84
house, one of the things
I do. But the homemaker...
00:23:49.88\00:23:52.53
Man your stock just went way up.
00:23:52.57\00:23:54.70
But the homemaker in my
home is definitely Gayle.
00:23:54.74\00:24:00.19
She decorates our home. She's
the cook. When the children were
00:24:00.22\00:24:04.28
small it was my turn to cook
they really did not appreciate
00:24:04.31\00:24:08.09
the charcoal that I offered them
so they learned rather quickly
00:24:08.13\00:24:12.45
in self-defense. But Gayle
is a wonderful homemaker, a cook
00:24:12.48\00:24:16.56
and raising our children,
I participated in raising our
00:24:16.60\00:24:19.99
children. I was a part of
that, but I have to tell you the
00:24:20.03\00:24:23.55
lion's share of the work
was done by Gayle. And we have
00:24:23.59\00:24:27.17
wonderful children. They
love the Lord, they're active in
00:24:27.20\00:24:30.60
his service today, but I believe
that a lot of that has to do
00:24:30.64\00:24:33.99
with Gayle's activity in
the home. She was definitely the
00:24:34.02\00:24:37.33
homemaker and
made it work for us.
00:24:37.37\00:24:39.00
The very last one is ego support
You know ego is a fragile thing.
00:24:39.03\00:24:45.32
Basically he needs to know from
his wife that he is respected
00:24:45.36\00:24:50.96
and loved and supported; that
she looks at him and says you
00:24:51.00\00:24:55.54
know you are a valuable person
and that she communicates that
00:24:55.58\00:24:59.78
to him. Often it's easy for
women to get caught up in well
00:24:59.82\00:25:03.95
we need to fix this and this and
this and that seems to be all he
00:25:03.99\00:25:07.42
hears when he walks through the
door. Well did you take care of
00:25:07.45\00:25:10.85
that, what about
that, is this done?
00:25:10.89\00:25:12.60
And why hasn't this happened yet
00:25:12.63\00:25:13.91
Why haven't you done whatever
and the list goes on. It's not
00:25:13.95\00:25:18.75
that she doesn't love him
or care for him but she's not
00:25:18.79\00:25:22.75
conscious of the fact that she
needs to show him admiration.
00:25:22.79\00:25:27.16
A man needs to be admired by
his wife and it's amazing what
00:25:27.20\00:25:31.62
happens when you express to your
husband that you know you did
00:25:31.65\00:25:36.21
that really well. Thank you for
doing this with the kids today.
00:25:36.25\00:25:40.77
You just notice the fact
that he's made an effort to do
00:25:40.80\00:25:43.54
something for his family. Pretty
soon you'll find him doing all
00:25:43.57\00:25:47.44
kinds of things because people
respond to that and especially
00:25:47.48\00:25:51.39
men respond to knowing that
they are admired and respected.
00:25:51.43\00:25:54.73
When men don't receive the
respect that they think they
00:25:54.76\00:25:57.99
deserve they withdraw. They just
say well forget it. If this is
00:25:58.03\00:26:01.40
the way it's going to be I'm
just out of here and they shut
00:26:01.43\00:26:04.76
down emotionally and
physically they shut down.
00:26:04.80\00:26:07.06
And nagging comes into this.
00:26:07.09\00:26:08.98
Well it does. You
know all of a sudden you've
00:26:09.01\00:26:11.01
lost that motivation.
You can destroy a man's
00:26:11.05\00:26:12.98
masculinity by nagging.
You just destroy him and he no
00:26:13.02\00:26:16.51
longer feels a man. But a man
believes what his wife tells him
00:26:16.54\00:26:20.04
and if she tells you you're
the greatest thing on two wheels
00:26:20.07\00:26:23.53
he's going to believe you.
00:26:23.57\00:26:25.02
Well needless to say the
clock is our enemy once again.
00:26:25.05\00:26:31.97
In one minute wrap this up.
00:26:32.00\00:26:35.20
We all come to marriage with
expectations and needs and most
00:26:35.23\00:26:39.94
of those needs are emotional.
When our spouse meets those
00:26:39.97\00:26:44.07
needs we become irresistible
to that person. No one is ever
00:26:44.10\00:26:47.59
going to meet those needs
perfectly. What we have to do
00:26:47.63\00:26:51.04
is we view 100% effort as having
perfectly met my need. If she's
00:26:51.08\00:26:56.51
trying it's met and I'm going
to value that and I'm going to
00:26:56.54\00:27:00.19
celebrate that and rejoice
in that. So our job is to
00:27:00.22\00:27:03.40
understand what our spouse's
needs are and give ourselves
00:27:03.43\00:27:06.29
to meeting those needs.
00:27:06.32\00:27:07.33
Amen. Fifteen
seconds. What would you say?
00:27:07.37\00:27:10.94
Well I would say that God has
given us a wonderful gift in one
00:27:10.98\00:27:14.75
another and when we take the
time to try to meet the needs
00:27:14.79\00:27:19.61
of the other individual we will
be rewarded far beyond what we
00:27:19.64\00:27:24.43
could imagine. It is
an absolute joy to spend
00:27:24.47\00:27:28.00
time with you. You know I just
so much welcome you to Issues
00:27:28.04\00:27:31.13
and Answers. I know that you're
a blessing to many people out
00:27:31.16\00:27:36.44
there. In closing I would just
like to once again just bring to
00:27:36.47\00:27:41.12
your mind the will of God and
that is for us to rejoice always
00:27:41.16\00:27:45.77
pray without ceasing and
to give all thanks to him.
00:27:45.81\00:27:50.45
We thank you from
3ABN Issues and Answers.
00:27:50.49\00:27:53.43
God bless each one of you.
00:27:53.46\00:27:59.59