Participants: J.D. Quinn (Host), Mike and Gayle Tucker
Series Code: IAA
Program Code: IAA000263
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00:29 Welcome to "Issues and Answers." My name is J.D. Quinn.
00:33 Glad that you are able to join us today. 00:35 Today we have a wonderful topic called 00:37 "The Issue of Mate Selection." 00:40 I like to start off with a scripture. 00:44 Our scripture today is taken from 2 Corinthians 6:14-15. 00:49 "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. 00:52 For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? 00:55 Or what fellowship can have light with darkness? 00:59 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? 01:01 And what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?" 01:05 We have some experts on this particular topic today. 01:09 And so I'm glad to introduce you 01:12 to Pastor Mike Tucker and Pastor Gayle Tucker. 01:16 And they are from Arlington, Texas in the Metroplex area 01:20 and they manage a church there of 1,800 members, 01:23 a large church. That's right. 01:25 And not only that, but you're also the Speaker 01:27 and Director for "Faith For Today." That's right. 01:29 Which I would assume is a fulltime job there. 01:31 It is indeed. 01:33 And of course his lovely wife, she is-- 01:36 I think handles administrative duties of that large church 01:40 plus the Children's Ministry, the Worship Ministry, 01:44 and probably no tongue what else? 01:46 Several other things, but we have a good time. 01:48 I can imagine. 01:49 Would you like to share anything in additional to that? 01:52 Oh, just-- the fact that the Lord has blessed 01:54 with Faith For Today's Ministry 01:56 and we're excited about things coming up. 01:58 We're shooting new lifestyle magazines 02:00 and we're also going to be doing 02:02 a NET 2007 right there from Arlington. 02:05 So the Lord has been blessing. We got a lot in our plate. 02:09 I know today is a topic that there's many, 02:11 many people are interested in 02:13 and that is mate selection. 02:16 So why don't we just get right into middle of all of that 02:19 and just kind of-and bond over this. 02:21 Dive right in. Yes. 02:23 We have a young congregation 02:25 and a lot of singles in our congregation 02:28 and a lot of them would like to no longer be single. Amen. 02:31 And so as they talk about that they have asked-- 02:34 you know, how do you go about this process? 02:36 I think the first thing is to begin 02:38 to think about God's timing 02:40 and God's will for your life, those are key issues. 02:43 'Cause God may say yes to marriage 02:44 but not right now and if you push ahead to make it now, 02:47 then you're out of His timing. 02:49 There are also others-- who God says, 02:52 you know, marriage may not be the option for you. 02:54 It may not be the right thing for you. 02:56 In such case we should not view 02:57 singleness as a disease. Absolutely. 03:00 You know singleness is all right. 03:02 And in fact the Apostle Paul said 03:03 that he wish that everyone can be like him and live that way. 03:07 But not everyone can nor should everyone, 03:10 but still if that's what God has for you, 03:12 that's what you need. 03:13 And we need to go with that. 03:15 But after that then if indeed we feel like 03:17 that this is God's will and maybe even His timing 03:19 and we want to start this process, 03:21 then we start to look first of all inside, don't we? 03:25 And strangely enough, I think the first thing 03:27 is not to look to find a mate, 03:29 but to look to be the right mate. 03:31 Yeah. Amen. 03:32 And when we start to grow spiritually, 03:35 emotionally, intellectually, 03:38 that is what is going to make us 03:40 the right person to be in relationship. 03:43 Cloud and Townsend wrote a book this is-- 03:45 it's called "21 Days to a Happy Marriage." 03:48 And each day you're supposed to do one thing, 03:51 you know, that you learned about relationships. 03:53 And the very first thing is to grow, 03:56 continue to grow. Amen. 03:58 If we're going to be the right person 04:00 and in marriage growth is going to be 04:03 the number one thing we need to do, 04:05 we should start that ahead of time. 04:07 So rather than looking for a mate, 04:09 look to be the right person that you need to be. 04:13 Spend time with Jesus Christ. 04:15 Let Him become your all in all 04:18 and find that you are complete 04:20 and whole on your own before you ever look for a mate. 04:25 And realize that you don't need that person 04:27 in order to be happy. Right. 04:28 You know two happy people 04:30 are what it takes to make a happy marriage. Right. 04:32 And someone said it recently that if you're happy 04:37 and you get married nothing your spouse can do-- 04:41 can take that happiness away. Amen. That's right. 04:43 But if you're not happy and you get married 04:45 nothing your spouse can do, can make you happy. 04:47 Make you happy, that's right. 04:49 I know that-- I talked to people daily 04:51 and there's lots of people that I talk to 04:52 are single people and I used to do this. 04:56 I say, why don't we just have a pray-- a prayer, 04:59 we'll pray for a godly man to come into your life. 05:03 And then one day the Lord impressed me, 05:05 J.D. that's not the way to go about this. 05:08 If you're talking to a female you need to say, 05:11 Lord, prepare me to be a godly wife. That's right. 05:14 And same thing with a male. 05:15 Prepare me to be a godly husband, 05:18 because now you're involved. Absolutely. 05:20 You see, and God's honors that 05:23 rather than sitting here and say, 05:24 I'm looking for a free gift. Right. 05:26 Why don't you send me a godly husband, you know. 05:29 Well, and sometimes I think God is waiting to say, 05:31 okay, I've got that person that you need to be, 05:34 but you need to be first. 05:35 You're not ready for this person, that's right. 05:37 You kind of free him up to bring that person into your life. Yes. 05:39 The other thing we find is that when your life starts 05:41 to come together and you are happy 05:44 with who you are in the Lord-- 05:46 you've taken care of your love issue so to speak. 05:48 We can talk about that a little bit later. 05:50 You've taken care of those things. 05:51 Then you begin to attract the right person. 05:56 People who are looking-- 05:57 are looking for someone that they admire, 06:00 that they find to have strength, 06:01 someone that would complement their own life 06:05 and if you're the right person 06:06 you're gonna attract the right person. 06:08 I've written a book recently entitled 06:09 10 Keys to Happy Marriage 06:11 and it's taken from the Book of Ruth. 06:13 And Ruth found a right husband 06:15 because she was the right woman. 06:18 Boaz saw her gleaning in his field 06:20 and recognized the stories about her 06:22 that she was faithful to her mother-in-law, 06:24 was caring for this woman. 06:26 She didn't have to comeback to Israel with her, 06:27 she could have stayed in Moab 06:29 but she loved her mother-in-law, she was taking care of her, 06:31 she let mom stay at home, 06:33 while she went out to glean 06:35 so that it wouldn't embarrass mom. 06:36 She did that work for her and kept mom out of the sun. 06:40 And Boaz saw this and said this is a righteous woman 06:43 I need to know this girl and he was drawn to her already 06:47 because she was the right person. 06:49 And she was drawn to him 06:50 because he was also a person of character. Right. 06:53 You know, when he saw her he immediately wanted 06:55 to care for her and make sure she was protected. 06:57 You know, give her lunch 06:59 and keep her away from the workers 07:00 and, you know, all of these things. 07:02 He was a person of character 07:03 and she recognized that in him as well. 07:05 Now how do you think that the Lord entered into this? 07:08 Well, I think the Lord had that planned all along. 07:10 First of all there was no accident 07:12 that the Ruth gleaned in that field. 07:14 Absolutely. Yes. 07:15 She didn't know her way around certainly. 07:17 But she went and started to glean in this field 07:19 and Naomi didn't send her to it because afterwards she said, 07:22 where did you gleaned today? 07:24 In the field of a man named Boaz. 07:27 The bell started to ring 07:28 and she started to think about this, you know. 07:31 But God's hand was in this all along 07:34 and started guiding them together I think. 07:36 I think you made a good point there 07:38 because, you know, that same God 07:40 is perfectly capable today. Amen. 07:42 Of bringing the right people together. Yes. 07:44 And our pursuit really is not for that person. 07:47 Our pursuit is for God and for growth in our own lives. 07:51 Ruth Graham Bell wrote, 07:53 "If God had answered all my prayers, 07:54 I would have married the wrong man several times." 07:59 So usually it's not a good prayer to say, 08:02 Lord, give me this man, give me this woman, 08:04 but instead, Lord, make me the right person 08:06 and fulfill your will in my life in your time. 08:09 Put me in the right place. That's right. 08:10 Put that person in the right place. That's right. 08:12 And if you have this relationship with the Lord, 08:14 it seems like just miraculously things 08:16 workout like that. It does. It does. 08:18 You know, there are no accidents. No. 08:20 You know, I mean everything is providential so. 08:23 Probably the starting place is, is natural that we have 08:26 in that relationship with the Lord. 08:28 Now I think the other thing the person listening 08:30 to this program saying, well, you know, 08:31 I've waited all these years, I guess, 08:33 there's something wrong with me, 08:34 I'm not the right person. Right. 08:36 It also has to do with God's timing. 08:39 And so you know, don't beat yourself up and say, 08:42 oh, I'm not the right person. 08:44 God's timing will be perfect and we don't know 08:47 what His timing is for you, you know. 08:49 But as you're waiting for God's timing, 08:51 other things that you can do to prepare yourself for this 08:54 is to see whether or not you have any love issues 08:57 that need to be taken care off. Yes. 08:59 Are the things in your own life 09:00 that would hamper a relationship with a mate? 09:03 Now, let's say that you're a young woman 09:05 or even an older woman 09:06 and basically you had a very strange relationship 09:09 with your father or your father was abusive 09:12 or you're distant from him or he was absent. 09:15 Chances are very good that you have a love relationship-- 09:18 a love issue that is based 09:19 on that nonexistent relationship or that bad relationship, 09:24 because a woman learns how to relate to a man 09:26 through her relationship with her father. 09:29 And that's the relationship that tells her 09:31 that she's a valuable person, that she's a princess. 09:33 Someone who's desirous 09:36 and someone who should be pursued. 09:38 It is the relationship with the father 09:40 and if that did not exist, 09:41 then there maybe some work that needs to be done. 09:44 In my pastoring-- the times when I tried to 09:47 with the young woman's help re-father that young woman. 09:52 And basically I can be kind of a substitute father figure 09:56 and my job is to tell her that she is special. Yes. 09:59 That she is God's princess. Yes. 10:01 That she is a beautiful young woman inside and out 10:04 and that's the most important thing is the inside. 10:07 But that--she is someone who's deserving 10:09 of a quality relationship. Amen. 10:11 It is my job to tell her that I always believe in her, 10:14 that I'm always on her side, that I always support her. 10:17 And then I'm always proud of her. 10:19 And there are-- a few young women of my church 10:22 who have my phone number they call every now 10:24 and then when something is going on in their life-- 10:26 in fact a couple of these young women in our church, 10:29 we just adore, they're just precious. 10:31 They call us "Pastor Mom and Pastor Dad." Amen. 10:33 You know, we're Pastor Mom and Pastor Dad 10:36 to these young women. 10:37 And it is a joy at this stage in our life 10:40 to be able to help re-father young women. 10:43 And the same thing can happen with young men as well, 10:45 so that you begin to see your value in the eyes of God, 10:49 as a father should have shown you, 10:52 as a mother should have shown you, 10:53 but maybe did not. 10:55 So take care of those love issues in your life 10:59 and then you're ready for the next step. 11:00 I would think that, that would be probably the epitome 11:04 of our part of our being here on this earth 11:06 is to have people look at you as mom and pop. Yeah. 11:09 Whatever you're not biologically you can't. Yeah. 11:12 Because I see something special in that couple, 11:15 because there are so many hurting people out there, 11:17 you know, that are really just floundering. 11:20 They really are. 11:21 There are so many young people that have no foundation 11:24 upon which to base decisions, 11:27 upon which to pursue anyone in a relationship 11:32 because they haven't seen it, they haven't experienced it, 11:35 they don't-- they maybe don't have 11:36 a relationship with the Lord. 11:38 So, you know, anything goes 11:40 because if you don't have anything 11:41 to base anything on, why not? 11:43 Just do whatever comes along. Do whatever. 11:45 And we see so many young girls-- they have-- 11:48 what we call father hunter 11:50 and they throw themselves into situations 11:53 that are so destructive 11:55 because they simply haven't had that. 11:57 and so to help provide a foundation 11:59 for young people and say, you are valuable 12:02 and here's how you make these decisions. 12:04 You know, here's a foundation upon which to make decisions. 12:07 That's true. That's true. 12:09 Now it's a real privilege for us to be in that situation, 12:12 I mean, that's such a beautiful God thing 12:16 when he leads-- you into someone's life 12:19 and you're able to do that-- 12:20 you know we're empty nesters now, 12:21 so we've raised our daughters 12:23 and although you never stop parenting 12:25 I've discovered that, you know-- 12:27 Oh, no, we still enjoy our daughters. 12:28 We still love them and we still are valuable in their lives 12:30 and we're still parent. 12:32 But it's a different level of parenting now. 12:34 But with some of these other young women 12:36 who have not had the foundation 12:37 for us to service of a parent substitute, 12:41 is just an exciting thing for us. 12:43 You know, it brings value to our lives 12:44 and we see some growth in there as well. 12:46 So we give the glory to Lord for that. 12:48 So I would assume that some place along the line 12:52 these men or these women have to expect certain things. 12:56 Now where do they-- where does this come from? 12:58 Is this something that they have made up 13:00 that they've got their want list or-- 13:01 Well, I think in one way 13:03 we should make a want list. Yeah. 13:06 We should make a list of non-negotiables, 13:09 say, these are things that are absolutes 13:12 and in the person I marry this must be present. Right. 13:16 Some of the non-negotiables. 13:18 Well, the first non-negotiable for me-- 13:19 when I was searching for a mate, 13:22 although I didn't really call at that, 13:23 but that's what I was doing, 13:25 I was dating 13:26 was I wanted a committed Christian woman. Amen. 13:30 And since I'm a Seventh-day Adventist 13:32 I wanted a Seventh-day Adventist Christian woman. 13:34 That would uncomplicate my life first of all, 13:37 you know, because we wouldn't be arguing 13:39 about which day to go to church on. 13:41 And then I wanted someone whose level of commitment 13:43 and growth was similar to mine, 13:45 not identical, but similar to mine. 13:48 To me that was a non-negotiable. 13:50 Because if I've to waste a lot of time 13:52 dealing with those issues of religious differences. 13:55 I'm wasting energy and creative resources that I have 13:59 and I loose the chance for some happiness 14:02 that I could have otherwise. 14:04 So when I found a woman 14:07 who was indeed a committed Seventh-day Adventist Christian 14:10 who was in a similar plain of growth to my own, 14:14 then the light started going off and the bell started ringing. 14:17 You know, I realized this could work, 14:19 this could work, 14:20 plus we found relationship together to be so easy. 14:23 You know, it was easy for us to get along. 14:26 It was kind of a no effort relationship 14:28 which gave us more resources for creativity. 14:30 But one thing I've noticed about-- 14:32 you always show that you like each other. 14:33 Yes. Yeah. 14:34 You know, not only but I'm just, 14:36 you know, just have paid attention, 14:38 you know, and you just like being together. 14:40 We do. We do. 14:41 You know, and you'll just feed off with each other 14:43 and that is absolutely wonderful. 14:44 So I can see why people are attracted to you 14:47 always mom and pop. Yeah. 14:48 Certainly because you have something to give. 14:51 It just didn't happened 14:53 I'm sure that you all have evolved 14:54 into who you are but still-- 14:57 Well, I think friendship really, 15:00 you know, you can't dictate 15:01 someone else's non-negotiables. No. 15:03 But if there was one I was gonna dictate 15:06 that will probably will be on the list 15:07 that you be really good friends first. 15:09 You know, and this has to be a friend. 15:12 Not a strange relationship. 15:14 You can talk easily. 15:16 You can enjoy one another. 15:17 You can laugh. 15:19 You know, they say, if you survey women to ask them 15:22 what was the number one reason 15:23 why they married their particular spouse. 15:27 The first thing on the list they said, 15:29 he made me laugh. Amen. 15:30 It's always-- there's joy in the relationship 15:33 and you know what else do we want? 15:34 We don't get married so we can solve problems together. 15:37 You know, we get married so that we can enjoy one another 15:40 and enjoy the journey of life together. 15:42 And there's a big difference in happiness and joy. 15:44 That's true. Yeah. 15:46 That's true, the other thing is 15:47 I think sometimes we get hung up on this idea of romantic love 15:50 that the media has painted for us 15:52 and we get to thinking that what I want is 15:55 someone who is a soul mate 15:57 who I feel this intense passion for all the time. 16:01 I think that, that's an unrealistic picture 16:03 and it's not even a healthy way to build a relationship. 16:06 I believe that if you're first and foremost good friends 16:10 who find relationship easy 16:12 and you have common shared values 16:14 and goals and purposes in your life, 16:17 that you have something that's even more important 16:19 than romantic love. Well, certainly. 16:21 In fact one author said 16:22 that in order for genuine love to flourish 16:25 and for marriages to last, "romantic love must die 16:28 as the basis of the relationship 16:31 and you must grow to mature love 16:32 which is a love of commitment and friendship. 16:35 And then mature lovers know how to use romantic love. 16:39 They're better at it than romantic lovers are. Yes. 16:42 But it is not the foundation of the relationship. 16:45 And so finding someone who is their friend is key. 16:49 Shared goals, shared vision, shared belief systems, 16:52 shared values, 16:53 we want to go to the same direction here together. 16:56 That friend, someone is easy to get along with 16:58 is another non-negotiable I think. Yeah. 17:00 Often people won't overlook 17:02 the person that's right beside them 17:04 that maybe they, they work on a committee with 17:06 or do something at church with and they're good friends, 17:09 they're good buddies but they think, 17:11 oh, when I'm gonna date I've to go out here somewhere 17:14 and find somebody that has the right looks 17:17 or you know that something the right-- 17:21 Well, you know the standard-- 17:22 basically people, people are asking who is he? 17:25 Yeah, the status. Who is she? 17:26 The status, you know. 17:28 You know, that was the word I was looking for. 17:29 And looking for certain status and they pass out someone 17:32 they could be a wonderful friend. That's right. 17:34 I had an interesting experience over a couple of years ago. 17:37 I went to my 40th year of school reunion. 17:40 And the guys that were the most handsome-- Yes. 17:43 They had lost their hair. 17:46 Their beltline had expanded, you know, put in lot of weight. 17:49 And you know when you haven't seen your friends 17:51 that you grew up with for years and years and years 17:54 these things happen and it was shocking. Yeah. 17:57 And I just-- then you start grading yourself, 18:01 you know, and then because we forget our age. 18:03 Yeah. That's right. 18:04 They got old and how did that happen when I didn't, yeah. 18:06 You know, what I mean. 18:09 You know the hunk very often becomes a chunk. 18:10 That's right. That's good. That's good. That's right. 18:13 The hunk becomes a chunk, 18:14 but it's better to marry someone that is-- 18:17 that you're basing the relationship on looks. Yes. 18:20 You know, looks are important. 18:21 That's important for us to take care of ourselves 18:23 so that we look good for one another 18:25 and just for our own self-esteem that we look good. 18:28 I think that you have to be proud 18:29 who you're standing next to. 18:31 Right, right. Absolutely. 18:32 And I think there's a certain level of appearance 18:35 that would be on the non-negotiables. Yeah. 18:36 You know, I don't want someone 18:38 that just doesn't care of themselves at all-- 18:41 But it shouldn't be number one. No. 18:43 Nor do you have to be the most handsome guy 18:44 or the beautiful women or whatever. 18:46 The current matinee idol is not what I want to marry. 18:50 I want someone who takes care of themselves 18:51 and someone who is presentable. 18:53 But what I really want is someone 18:55 who is a person of character and commitment and quality, 18:59 someone who shows me tender concern, 19:01 those kinds of things. 19:02 I would assume at sometimes 19:04 you could be fooled for a while? Oh, yes. 19:05 Sure for a while. 19:07 That's why it's usually better not to have a quick romance 19:10 but to have some opportunity to observe each other 19:13 in a variety of settings. 19:15 And one of the ways to do that is spend sometime in their home 19:19 and see how they interact with their family. 19:21 The old saying is, if you want to know 19:23 how she's gonna treat you 10 years from now, 19:25 watch how she treats her daddy. Amen. 19:27 And although there are some exceptions 19:28 to that rule especially in unhealthy abusive relationships. 19:31 By and large that's a pretty good rule to follow, 19:33 same thing for the ladies. 19:35 If you want to know how he's gonna treat you in 10 years, 19:37 watch how he takes care of his mother. 19:39 How does he treat her? 19:40 Because those home relationships 19:42 are the foundation for or building a home. 19:45 We only know how to do marriage one way 19:46 and that's what we watched it done. That's right. 19:48 You know, and I think parents can even ask these questions 19:51 of their young people who are dating. 19:55 I remember my mother asking me that question. 19:57 Well, what do you think about him? 19:59 How does he treat his mother? 20:01 His mother, right. And I'm like, well, well. 20:03 It's very perceptive for your mom too, wouldn't it-- 20:05 Yeah, and when I thought about it, 20:07 he's treating his mother wonderfully and his sister, 20:09 you know, always very devoted to them, 20:11 very kind and the way he spoke to them. 20:14 And so, you know, I knew that, 20:16 that was his family relationship. 20:17 So I can look forward to something similar. 20:20 And that's what Shelley told me, 20:22 the first time I took her home to meet mom and daddy 20:24 and that changes the rules when you take him home 20:27 to meet my mom and daddy. That's right. Oh, yes. Yeah. 20:28 And of course we were older 20:29 whenever we had our relationship you know 20:32 And but later she told me that was very important 20:37 because I adore my mother. 20:39 You know, and I did treat her with respect 20:40 and loved her with all my heart. 20:42 And that was when Shelley 20:44 probably the first piece f armor came off of her. 20:46 You know, when ever she says, hey, this-- 20:48 You maybe safe after all. 20:49 This guy is okay, you know, because I can see. Right. 20:52 So, that is very, very important. 20:54 And watched how Gayle treated her daddy. 20:56 And she just adored her daddy, absolutely adored him. 21:01 And the bond between them was just unbelievable. 21:04 And at first when we got married 21:06 I was a little bit intimidated by that relationship 21:09 and then suddenly I realized it's 21:11 because of that relationship that she found it so easy 21:14 to have intimacy with me, 21:16 so that there was a close relationship between us. 21:18 So I wrote her daddy a thank you letter. Amen. 21:21 Thanking him for the ways that he had raised his daughter 21:24 making my life with her so easy and so rich 21:28 and so that I owed him a great deal because of his fathering. 21:31 I think that's a keeper. 21:32 I think that's something that a lot of young men out there 21:35 ought to follow that because that's a keeper right there. 21:38 It meant so much to him. 21:40 He kept that letter, he had it tugged away in his drawer 21:43 and every now and then he'd show me. 21:44 You know, when you wrote to me. 21:45 Yeah. That's precious. 21:47 But I think that we also look for other non-negotiables. 21:50 Some of them should be pretty obvious to us, 21:52 but not always, so let's take the obvious. 21:55 You don't want someone who is abusive, 21:58 verbally, physically, emotionally or spiritually. 22:02 And that sometimes can be observed 22:03 in those relationships that we were just speaking. 22:05 That's right. 22:06 So be around their family, you know. Yeah. 22:08 If they scream and shout 22:09 or verbally abusive to their parents, 22:11 this is a bad sign. 22:13 Or if you watch their parent do that to each other 22:16 this is where--this individual has learned things 22:19 and so at least keep an eye open for this, 22:21 it doesn't mean that person will necessarily 22:23 have to repeat the pattern 22:25 that they learned in their home of origin, 22:27 but there is a better than even chance that they will 22:29 and so it's good to watch that to observe it. 22:31 Is there abuse? 22:33 Is there controlling behavior going on here? 22:36 Is there deceit? Is this person honest? 22:39 Can I trust what they say? 22:41 When they tell me one thing, is it always true 22:43 or do I find out there's something else is true later? 22:47 Are they physically violent? 22:50 Have they ever hit me? 22:52 If they do, don't walk, run from this relationship. 22:55 Get out, get out now. 22:57 We've been married 31 years. 22:58 I want you to know something. 23:00 I had never even thought of hitting this woman. Amen. 23:02 But if I did, I'd be out on the street the next day, 23:05 until I got help. Yes. 23:07 She would say, all right, this marriage isn't over, 23:09 but you're out of this house until you get help. 23:11 Now 31 years of marriage I thought, 23:12 you know, would win some brownie points, 23:15 but one hit would do it and I know that. Yeah. 23:18 And I respect her for that. That's as it should be. 23:20 And that's a non-negotiable. It is a non-negotiable. Yes. 23:23 And it will always be a non-negotiable. 23:26 Another non-negotiable would be alcohol abuse, 23:29 a drug use, those kinds of things. 23:33 Simply because it affects emotional maturity. 23:35 It affects judgment. 23:37 It is contrary to the value system of those 23:40 who follow the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. 23:42 It becomes another lover. 23:44 I really believe that you can adulterate a marriage 23:46 by addictions to substances being-- 23:50 and even that in pornography and other issues. 23:53 Addictions becomes another lover 23:55 and I've seen men and women both 23:57 really leave a beautiful home, 24:00 a wonderful spouse, because of addicted behavior. 24:04 And then addicted behavior 24:05 also leaves a person emotionally immature. 24:09 And you know, it's all right to be emotionally 16 if you are 16, 24:12 but when you're 38 it really stinks. 24:14 Yeah, because I understand you know that 24:16 if you start using drugs 24:18 whatever then you take home that particular-- 24:21 That's where your emotional development stops. 24:23 If you start using at age 16, 24:25 you were 16 until the day you stop using 24:28 and then you don't suddenly jump to 38 or 39. 24:31 It's still a process. You got to grow. 24:33 Now you maybe able with right up to grow 24:35 faster than a year per year, 24:38 but still it is a growth process. 24:40 And the emotions have to be nurtured along. 24:43 But if you were selecting a mate 24:45 that would certainly be one or two would say next. 24:48 Yes, that's right. 24:49 And there are other things, you know, 24:50 you want to look at the person's work ethics. Yes. 24:52 And that's what he thinks, 24:53 you know, you want someone who will be a worker. 24:57 You know, especially for a husband you want to know that 25:00 he's going to hold the job. 25:02 For a wife you know you want to know 25:04 that she's gonna be willing to contribute as well and to be-- 25:08 to have the best of for her family in mind. Right. 25:12 And just, you know, all of those things line up, 25:15 but you have to make your list 25:17 of non-negotiables. That's right. 25:18 What is it for you that is absolutely has to be there 25:22 or absolutely cannot be there. 25:24 And I would imagine if somebody who is 60 years or 70 years old, 25:28 they probably need to have their list too. 25:29 Absolutely. The list has got to be there. You see. 25:31 Some people will say, well, that's judgmental. 25:33 No, it's not judgmental, 25:35 it's setting a course for your life. Yes. 25:37 It's knowing what you want, knowing who you are, 25:40 knowing where you're going and deciding 25:43 if I'm going to get there 25:44 and I'm going to have someone along with me 25:46 there need to be someone who can contribute to this process. 25:49 So you have to know what you want 25:51 and when you date someone who you suddenly possess 25:55 a non-negotiable-- 25:56 something you cannot have in this relationship, 25:58 end the relationship and move on. Yes. 26:01 We're running out of time, 26:03 we've got approximately two minutes left. 26:05 Why don't we just sum up what we've talked about here 26:07 because this is a wonderful topic, mate selection. Right. 26:11 And it starts with you and God following His timing, 26:15 His will and also then developing yourself, 26:18 making sure that you've taken care 26:20 of your relationship with God and your love issues 26:23 and then knowing who you are and where you're going. Yes. 26:26 What are your non-negotiables? 26:28 What are the things I absolutely have to have in a mate? 26:30 And then not settling for less. 26:32 It would be better to be single than to compromise your values 26:36 and marry someone who does not fit 26:38 what you need in your life for a mate. Yes. 26:41 And I think the last thing is just to trust that 26:43 God is capable. Yes. 26:45 That as you continue to grow in Him, 26:47 He can put you in the right place 26:49 and your potential mate in the right place 26:51 at the right time. Trust Him. 26:53 So you really don't want to lag behind, 26:55 you don't want to be ahead. That's right. Absolutely. 26:57 You know, you want to be in His timing 26:58 and so I know in my particular situation 27:00 I invite the Holy Spirit in daily. Yes. 27:02 You know, sometime hourly. 27:04 You know-- so that I know that my God 27:07 who could see the beginning from the end is there, 27:09 you know, to be that flashlight out 27:12 in front of me you might say, you know, so-- 27:15 The one thing you want us to be in His timing 27:16 and in His will. Amen, amen. 27:20 Ladies and gentlemen, this has been an absolutely 27:22 wonderful, wonderful topic today. 27:25 We're talking with two people here 27:27 that certainly have walk the talk, 27:32 walk the walk and talk the talk 27:33 I guess that's the way it's put in everything. 27:35 Anyway we're glad you are here. 27:37 We are going to go to another topic after this 27:42 and it's dealing with communication. 27:43 So I'm sure that every one would like to know 27:45 more about how to communicate with each other. 27:48 We just want to thank you or being with us 27:50 today on "Issues and Answers." 27:52 We just ask that God bless you, 27:53 take care of you and guide you according to your faith. |
Revised 2014-12-17