Welcome to Issues and Answers.
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We have a wonderful program.
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today. We have a special couple
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here. We're going to talk about
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something that I guess pertains
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to most everybody and that is
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Date with a Mate in Mind.
I always like to start off
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with a scripture.
Today's scripture comes from
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Amos 3:3: Do two walk together
unless they have agreed to do
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so. I want to introduce you
to my friends. Why I'm saying my
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friends is because we have a
Texas boy here and we have an
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Oklahoma girl. Now the ones
from Texas would understand what
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we're saying here because
she came across the Red River.
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This is Pastor and Pastor Mike
and Gayle Tucker. Welcome to
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Issues and
Answers. That you very much.
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It's a joy to be here.
Well thank you for being here.
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I would like to start off by
you just telling us a little bit
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about each one of yourselves
before we go into talking about
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finding that special date.
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You bet. Well, I pastor in
Arlington, Texas but I'm also
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speaker/director for Faith for
Today and Gail and I have been
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pastoring together there
for about 14-1/2 year now.
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And we really enjoy getting to
work together. It's a blessing.
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We've been married for 31 years
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and (she was 12 when I married
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her.) That's right. I was very
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young of course. We have two
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daughters. They are grown so we
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are empty nesters now. But we
really are blessed to be at the
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Arlington church. It's a large
church of almost 1,800 members
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so it keeps us busy.
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For the ones that are not
familiar with the Arlington
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church, that's in the metroplex.
When we talk metroplex we're
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talking about the
Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas area.
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That's right, right
between Dallas and Ft. Worth.
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Yes and I think that as well as
I understand the Dallas Cowboys
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are going to be in
your back yard there.
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Yeah, they'll be in our back
yard there, that's right, right.
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So being that I'm from Texas
you know I've just always been a
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Dallas Cowboys fan. But that's
not what we're here to talk
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about today. No. We're here to
talk about Date with a Mate in
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Mind. Now being that the
two of you talk in your seminars
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with the youth and singles you
certainly are talking about the
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Issues of dating. So what
are some of the things that you
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tell these young
Christian's about dating?
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Well the first thing is to
remember what the purpose of
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dating is. Ultimately it is mate
selection. Now there are other
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purposes along with that,
having fun and knowing how to
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interact with the opposite sex,
but ultimately this is the way
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that we choose a mate; at least
it has been in the western world
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for about the last 100-120
years. So it's a rather recent
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sociological phenomenon. It's
probably not a very efficient
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way of finding a mate, but
if this is what we're stuck with
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we need to find a way to do
it well. And with that in mind,
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we've kind of written 10 laws
of dating. When we share these
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with young people, it's amazing
the response we get. But I also
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find that people who have been
singled maybe in their 40s or
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50s or 60, when they
follow these same laws they keep
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themselves out of trouble.
But anyway if you'd like we can
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start with the
laws. You want to do that.
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I'd like to start there.
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Well what we really discover is
that people need to think ahead
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of time. You need to make some
decisions before you ever start
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dating about what it's going to
be like and what your boundaries
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are and that sort of thing. So
the very first thing is if it's
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not easy and it's
not fun, break up.
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Amen. That's simple isn't it?
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It really is because basically
if you're struggling with
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someone to make this thing
work... I've had couples come
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to me and say we've been dating
now for six months and we've
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really struggled to make this
relationship work, would you
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help us? And my answer is No!
Break up. You've discovered that
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it's difficult to be in
relationship with each other.
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So find someone with whom it's
easy to have a relationship and
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date them. But don't date each
other. You can be friends but
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don't date each other because
that might lead to marriage and
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then in marriage, if you're
really struggling to make this
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thing work you consume a lot
of energy that could be spent
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creatively elsewhere. So don't
do that. Instead break up and
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move on. And I
think this tends to be
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particularly true the younger
you are. You know if you're
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talking teenagers and high
school and you're struggling
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you know why? There's really
no point in that. You've already
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proven that it's not a good
relationship so you know let it
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go. Don't be too serious.
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Find someone else with whom it's
easy to have a relationship,
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because dating should be easy.
And really marriage should be
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that way too. Now we know that
at times it's not. Sometimes
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there are things you have
to work through, but that's a
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committed relationship where the
issues need to be worked through
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but in dating that's not it. By
definition it is an uncommitted
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relationship and so if
it's difficult, move on.
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That second law is to date only
from that circle of people you'd
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consider marrying. Now there
should be certain nonnegotiables
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that you have, that you choose
for a mate and among those, if
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you're a committed Christian,
you need a committed Christian
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of about the same level of
commitment. If one is really
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committed and the other is
not then basically that's being
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unequally yoked together. So you
need to have some of those basic
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nonnegotiables, maybe someone
who doesn't beat you; that would
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be a nonnegotiable, I would
think, you know. Someone who
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you know you know you can trust,
is not going to sleep around on
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you. Basically you date from
that group of people who would
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potentially be a future mate.
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And I think in this regard, you
also have to think about what is
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your spiritual commitment.
Do you belong to the same
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denomination? Do you see things
the same spiritually? Do they
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have the same type of habits
that you do? Is this a person
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who drinks or parties and that's
not what you want? You know, you
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have to make those decisions.
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So your value system
needs to be similar, yeah.
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That's right. Because if you
fall in love with a person, you
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may think well I know I'm not
going to marry them, but you're
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running a risk of possibly
falling in love with someone and
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then you've got trouble.
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By the way, one of the
characteristics of love,
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romantic love, is an ecstatic
loss of judgment and so if
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indeed you've fallen in love
with someone who was not from
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that circle of people who
you might consider as a marriage
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partner you run the risk of
marrying someone that if you
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had not lost your judgment you
would never have dated, never
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have married. So it's better
not to start. Stay within that
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group. I know
that my mother preached
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at me, well now I have a brother
and sister also, don't go out
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and date someone that you
wouldn't think about marrying.
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She was right. You know that was
good advice. Of course, now I
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realize. Of course back then we
all wanted to do our own thing.
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That's exactly right. But
anyway that's law number two
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Okay. Law number 3: If they
use, abuse alcohol, prescription
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medications, illegal drugs or
mind-altering substances of any
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kind, break up. You
would agree with that?
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Most certainly. Okay
and a part of that is
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because this is a value system
but also over and over again
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we've seen how an addiction
to substances becomes the most
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important lover in your
life. You begin to choose that
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substance over the people that
you should be choosing in your
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life. But there's another reason
for this. The day someone starts
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using and especially abusing
substances that's the day their
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emotional maturity stops.
If you're 16 that day you start
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using and you stop using when
you're 38, chronologically you
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are 38, emotionally you're 16.
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I hope that everybody's
listening to that right there.
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It's so true. So if you marry
someone thinking you're marrying
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someone who's 28 when
emotionally they're 16 you don't
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want to marry somebody that
you're married to. You want to
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marry someone who has the
maturity, the emotional maturity
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So I guess that what
you're saying is that it's very
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important and people should not
hesitate to find out a little
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bit of history about someone
because a lot of people may
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think that they're past that
but they need to just go back.
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Oh yes, I did some recreational
drugs or I might have been in a
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party scene. That's
something important to find out.
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It is important to find out and
then to find out what level of
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recovery they've experienced.
Because you know the Lord heals
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and it's true that not everyone
that has used in the past will
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use in the future, but it's
still something important to
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know and certainly if they're
doing this now this is something
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you need to distance yourself
some. Some people say will how
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can I witness to them if I break
up with them? And the truth is
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that evangelism by dating is
a very poor form of evangelism.
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It never works. You instead
become codependent, you become
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a rescuer and that's
unhealthy in the relationship.
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It's an area where people
tend to make excuses sometimes
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because they want the
relationship so badly that they
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will look at it and say, no it's
really okay. I know this exists
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but we're going to make it
through this. It's going to be
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okay. I talked to a gentleman
one time and he knew that the
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person he was dating
was an alcoholic. Somehow
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the conversation turned to
drinking and driving and he said
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You know really she does well
with that. He said, actually she
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drives better than most people
do when they're not drunk.
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And I said, did you hear
what you just said; that's not
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possible. But he wanted the
relationship so badly that he
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was willing to make excuses and
to place himself and her in a
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very bad situation, because
it doesn't help her, it doesn't
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help him. Which
brings us to law number 4
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which I think is kind of a
related law because it goes hand
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in hand very often with drinking
and substance abuse and that
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is if either party needs to
rescue, fix, or change or to be
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rescued, fixed or changed, break
up. Now that doesn't just occur
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in situations of substance abuse
Other people are rescuers or
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fixers or changers without the
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substances but it's an unhealthy
way to love. We're talking about
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codependency here; needing to
be rescued or to rescue and if
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that's occurring in the
relationship, it's time to break
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up and fix yourself. Get some
help so that you don't fall back
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into that sort of
relationship. It's a sick love.
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I know I've experienced
some friends like that. They are
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rescuers and bless their little
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hearts, you know, their heart
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was good. In fact most of the
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time their heart is more
precious than most people
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but they always get themselves
caught in a bind because of
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rescuing, you know. Then they
felt committed, then you spend
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time, then there's that guilt
that you have to overcome to
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get past there because you've
committed and they need you
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then that's that codependency
that you're talking about.
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It's an area where it's
easy for you to be pressured,
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especially if you're thinking
in terms of spiritual rescuing.
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There are a lot of young women
especially who think, oh I know
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that he'll learn to love the
Lord if I just stay with him and
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I'm going to be his savior in
a way. And it happens where he
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puts the pressure on where
he says you know I'm never going
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to go to heaven if you don't
stay with me; you've got to stay
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with me. A lot
of them use suicide.
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I'll kill myself. You bet.
What kind of a relationship is
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that if you have to beg someone
or I'll kill myself or I'm not
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going to heaven without you.
That's putting too much pressure
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on a person. It's
just an extremely unhealthy
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relationship to be in. So
how would you handle that?
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Basically it's time to break up
and then you begin to ask some
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questions of yourself. What made
me vulnerable to that kind of
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relationship. Is this a pattern
that I've repeated in my life?
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And if so, maybe I need to seek
some help so that I can love in
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a healthy way rather
than in an unhealthy way.
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Because a lot of people get
caught in that squirrel cage
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don't they? You know they just
repeat, repeat, repeat. They'll
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continue to be a rescuer.
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That's why second marriages
fail at an alarmingly higher
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rate than do first marriages.
We repeat the same mistakes.
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So someone says I'll never do
that again. Well typically they
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do and so second marriages and
third marriages fail at an even
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higher rate unless you identify
what it was about me that caused
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this relationship to fail. Not
just my partner but me, so that
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that can be fixed in me and I
can move on to a healthy form of
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love. I think that once you've
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realized that you can't be
the rescuer, you can't be the
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savior, I think it's important
then to say will how can I help
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that individual and to funnel
them to someone who can help
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them because a dating
relationship is not the place
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for the help. And I
think that's a very valid
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point right there because
people don't know what to do and
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especially if they're young so
then they get caught. So repeat
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that. So they need then to turn
that person to someone that's
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more mature that they explain
this so that there's an exit
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strategy there that they can
get out and go ahead with their
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life. I actually
had this happen when
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I was a young person. There was
a young man that I was dating
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and he was just struggling with
different things, alcohol and
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things and I said you know
I can't do that. But I had a
00:13:58.15\00:14:02.67
little bit of the rescuer in me
you know and I was worried well
00:14:02.71\00:14:06.42
who's going to help, he's not
going to go to heaven. But I had
00:14:06.45\00:14:10.13
a conversation with him finally.
I said I cannot do this.
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It's not going to work but
there's this coach over here
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and I know that he loves you and
he can help you. So sometimes
00:14:16.89\00:14:22.17
you've just got to think about
how can I help them and realize
00:14:22.20\00:14:26.17
that dating is not the way but
there are people that can help.
00:14:26.21\00:14:29.46
Well I just know that the Holy
Spirit is impressing me right
00:14:29.50\00:14:32.31
now that people out there need
to hear that, that there is a
00:14:32.34\00:14:35.08
coach over there. You know, pass
that baton over to them. They're
00:14:35.12\00:14:40.68
more mature and they can help
them and you can be helped at
00:14:40.71\00:14:44.15
the same time. I just think
that's so important because I
00:14:44.18\00:14:47.55
feel like a lot of people get
trapped out there, at least they
00:14:47.59\00:14:50.61
feel like they do. He
was a wonderful young man
00:14:50.64\00:14:53.06
and today he's
strong in the Lord.
00:14:53.09\00:14:59.66
The other problem with this
is that sometimes when you refer
00:14:59.70\00:15:03.03
them on that person will tank.
They'll hit bottom and then you
00:15:03.07\00:15:06.37
begin to feel guilty.
That is another symptom of the
00:15:06.40\00:15:09.36
codependent relationship
that you've been in because the
00:15:09.40\00:15:12.33
decision was the other
individuals who hit bottom;
00:15:12.36\00:15:14.42
it was their choice and not
your responsibility, not your
00:15:14.46\00:15:17.67
fault so we need to identify
that as false guilt and get rid
00:15:17.71\00:15:20.89
of it and move on. Are
you ready for law number 5?
00:15:20.92\00:15:24.32
You bet man. This is good stuff.
00:15:24.35\00:15:26.48
Law number 5 says that if either
party tends to control, dominate
00:15:26.52\00:15:32.25
or isolate the other party from
friends or family, break up.
00:15:32.28\00:15:35.95
When you are in a situation
where you realize you know I
00:15:35.98\00:15:39.52
haven't seen my family for a
while. He never seems to want
00:15:39.56\00:15:43.45
to go there. He doesn't like my
friends or she doesn't want me
00:15:43.49\00:15:47.35
to be with the people I've
always loved. It's a red flag.
00:15:47.38\00:15:52.15
What's going on here?
00:15:52.18\00:15:53.15
I know that we just experienced
up in our department a friend of
00:15:53.16\00:15:57.75
a friend that got engaged and
then all of a sudden once they
00:15:57.78\00:16:02.09
got the engagement then all of
a sudden the other party wanted
00:16:02.12\00:16:05.71
well we can't be around your
parents. I want you to come over
00:16:05.74\00:16:09.02
here. You know there's that
separation thing. Well boy the
00:16:09.06\00:16:12.31
red flag went up then
and so within two weeks that
00:16:12.34\00:16:16.00
relationship was over. Thank
goodness that she was bright
00:16:16.04\00:16:19.83
enough and that she was healthy
enough to see that flag and get
00:16:19.87\00:16:22.98
out of it. I think
that's key is having a
00:16:23.02\00:16:26.29
healthy spiritual life and a
healthy outlook so that you do
00:16:26.32\00:16:29.64
recognize those things.
00:16:29.68\00:16:30.65
It is true that another symptom
of romantic love is the desire
00:16:30.66\00:16:34.31
for exclusivity, you know, just
the two of us, but when that
00:16:34.34\00:16:37.13
comes to the point where I'm
going to keep her away from her
00:16:37.17\00:16:40.00
away from her family or her
from her friends and I'm really
00:16:40.04\00:16:42.84
beginning to control his
environment, that's extremely
00:16:42.87\00:16:45.85
unhealthy. Our solution to this
is, first of all, break up and
00:16:45.89\00:16:49.98
some people say well when do
you work out your love problems?
00:16:50.01\00:16:54.10
You work them out when you're
not dating. Within in the dating
00:16:54.13\00:16:57.64
context this is not a good
place to begin to work out your
00:16:57.67\00:17:01.64
problems. Stop dating, get help,
get yourself straight, then
00:17:01.68\00:17:05.62
enter back into the
dating relationship. But dating
00:17:05.65\00:17:08.52
actually confuses the process
of your getting help and getting
00:17:08.56\00:17:13.01
"fixed" emotionally and
spiritually. So it's usually
00:17:13.04\00:17:16.37
better to stop the dating
process, put it on hold and say
00:17:16.40\00:17:19.66
all right, what led me into this
and how do I need to fix this?
00:17:19.69\00:17:22.67
Boy this is something that
you'd think ought to be taught
00:17:22.71\00:17:25.22
early in school because...
00:17:25.25\00:17:28.09
And marriage is a kind of
on-the-job training kind of a
00:17:28.13\00:17:34.57
thing and it shouldn't be that
way. We should learn beforehand
00:17:34.61\00:17:38.39
what our patterns are, what
we're looking for in someone
00:17:38.42\00:17:41.40
else and that's what dating can
accomplish but even then I think
00:17:41.44\00:17:45.87
we have to approach
dating in a healthy way.
00:17:45.91\00:17:47.83
If you're going to make the
biggest decision of your life
00:17:47.87\00:17:51.32
next to following Jesus Christ
through this dating process,
00:17:51.36\00:17:54.73
you probably ought to have a
plan in mind. You ought to know
00:17:54.76\00:17:57.40
where you're going and how
you're going to get there and
00:17:57.43\00:18:00.00
that means there have got to be
some guidelines or if you don't
00:18:00.03\00:18:02.93
have a direct course,
you're going to end up who knows
00:18:02.96\00:18:06.03
where and that's not the
kind of thing you want for a
00:18:06.07\00:18:09.10
marriage. No, no,
you know there's a road
00:18:09.13\00:18:14.08
block before you ever
get started. My goodness.
00:18:14.12\00:18:17.60
That's true. Well law number 5
is important but 5 is important
00:18:17.64\00:18:23.10
because it is a prelude
to number 6. Where there is
00:18:23.14\00:18:26.94
controlling behavior very often
then we get to number 6 and that
00:18:26.98\00:18:29.83
is if they are physically
or verbally abusive, break up.
00:18:29.87\00:18:33.67
Usually in relationship that
starts with control and then it
00:18:33.70\00:18:37.83
goes to physical or verbal
abuse and anytime someone hits
00:18:37.86\00:18:41.42
anytime someone is verbally
abusive, anytime they are
00:18:41.45\00:18:45.34
emotionally or spiritually
abusive, you've got to get out
00:18:45.37\00:18:49.18
of this relationship. And how
many times have we heard people
00:18:49.22\00:18:52.66
say well you know it really
wasn't his fault, I made him
00:18:52.70\00:18:55.41
angry. Yeah, if I only had just
stopped, if I hadn't done this
00:18:55.44\00:18:59.56
he wouldn't have hit or he
wouldn't have what it happens
00:18:59.60\00:19:02.98
to be. That's the
rationalization of a victim.
00:19:03.02\00:19:05.93
That is victim thinking. And
when you find a person who is in
00:19:05.97\00:19:09.46
a marriage or a long-term dating
relationship who is making
00:19:09.49\00:19:13.38
excuses for their partner
who hits them or who verbally
00:19:13.41\00:19:17.23
abuses them they have taken on
the victim mentality and it's a
00:19:17.27\00:19:20.83
very deadly form of thinking,
something that's difficult to
00:19:20.86\00:19:24.88
break out of because we begin
to excuse, we make excuses for,
00:19:24.91\00:19:28.57
we assume the guilt and the
blame ourselves. That's victim
00:19:28.60\00:19:32.22
mentality and it's
extremely unhealthy.
00:19:32.25\00:19:34.78
The sad thing today is how many
young people there are that are
00:19:34.81\00:19:39.51
in dating relationships in high
school or even junior high where
00:19:39.55\00:19:44.21
they are experiencing physical
abuse from a boyfriend, a
00:19:44.25\00:19:47.91
girlfriend and they
think it's just the way it is.
00:19:47.95\00:19:51.77
Statistics are alarming as
to how many high school kids are
00:19:51.81\00:19:55.80
abused physically, even sexually
and certainly verbally and
00:19:55.84\00:19:59.52
emotionally in a dating
relationship and think that this
00:19:59.55\00:20:03.20
is okay or they stay
with it for some reason.
00:20:03.23\00:20:06.20
So this is across
cultural lines then?
00:20:06.23\00:20:08.85
Absolutely, absolutely.
It's a sad situation.
00:20:08.89\00:20:12.85
It is a very sad situation and
it's a very dangerous situation
00:20:12.89\00:20:16.20
because sometimes that
controlling and then abusive
00:20:16.23\00:20:19.12
behavior can lead to something
very, very serious. There are
00:20:19.16\00:20:23.93
men and woman who die every year
as a result of this. You have
00:20:23.97\00:20:28.65
to be somewhat mentally unstable
to be that kind of a controller
00:20:28.68\00:20:33.32
Certainly there is a lot of
self doubt, there's a lot of
00:20:33.36\00:20:37.04
insecurity on the part of
the controller and that's just a
00:20:37.07\00:20:40.72
very unstable situation
in which to find yourself.
00:20:40.76\00:20:44.17
Some people say well he only hit
me once. The truth is he will
00:20:44.21\00:20:50.45
hit, he has hit, he will
hit again, don't kid yourself.
00:20:50.48\00:20:55.32
Don't think well I'll be better
next time and this will be all
00:20:55.35\00:21:00.17
right. Break up. Let him get
help or her get help and then
00:21:00.20\00:21:04.77
let them move on. But this is
a hitter, because they have hit,
00:21:04.80\00:21:09.33
hitters hit. So
move on at that point.
00:21:09.37\00:21:11.90
Do you find out that that
might be learned behavior?
00:21:11.93\00:21:15.56
Oh yes. It usually is. Almost
always. They have probably
00:21:15.59\00:21:19.15
experienced that themselves or
at least witnessed it. They've
00:21:19.18\00:21:23.18
seen that as a way to get your
way, to control the situation.
00:21:23.22\00:21:27.14
And at the very least you know
you mentioned that sometimes
00:21:27.18\00:21:30.84
it leads even to death and
things like that. At the very
00:21:30.88\00:21:34.48
least it's always going to lead
to a loss of self-worth in the
00:21:34.51\00:21:38.54
person who's experiencing that
in the victim and they begin to
00:21:38.58\00:21:43.23
see the world in a very unreal
way that they are not worthy of
00:21:43.27\00:21:47.33
anything and I deserve this.
They pass that on; you know in
00:21:47.36\00:21:51.15
a marriage relationship it
passes on to children. The far
00:21:51.19\00:21:54.94
reaching effects are amazing.
00:21:54.97\00:21:56.75
Generation to generation, these
things. The person who hits has
00:21:56.79\00:22:00.92
usually been abused. In fact,
someone who is abused is five
00:22:00.95\00:22:05.88
times as likely to abuse as
anyone else so if you find abuse
00:22:05.91\00:22:10.53
in your home your children are
more likely to pass this on and
00:22:10.57\00:22:15.12
to carry the same characteristic
That's why it's got to be nipped
00:22:15.16\00:22:19.67
here. So in 25
words or less if a
00:22:19.71\00:22:22.63
young man, let's just say, comes
out of a home that his father
00:22:22.66\00:22:27.29
was a hitter and he chose not
to do that but it may be innate
00:22:27.32\00:22:31.38
does he need to seek help at
that particular time to divert
00:22:31.41\00:22:35.43
his aggressions.
Chances are there will be some
00:22:35.47\00:22:38.89
signs of this going on in his
life beforehand. There will be
00:22:38.92\00:22:42.46
an anger issue, some self-esteem
00:22:42.49\00:22:44.84
problems, maybe some history of
00:22:44.87\00:22:46.98
violence some place in order for
00:22:47.02\00:22:49.06
this to begin to reveal itself
in a relationship. But it's
00:22:49.09\00:22:52.16
never a bad idea if you come
from that environment to say
00:22:52.20\00:22:55.25
you know it's not a bad idea;
let's get some help and do a
00:22:55.28\00:22:58.30
check up and just make
sure that I'm all right.
00:22:58.34\00:23:01.07
The good news is that you can
break the cycle. Yes. You know
00:23:01.10\00:23:04.81
it doesn't have to go
from generation to generation.
00:23:04.84\00:23:06.88
You can be the person who makes
that decision, it's not going
00:23:06.92\00:23:10.79
any further. It stops here.
This can be a dynamic factor
00:23:10.83\00:23:14.49
rather than a static factor
and so let's take those dynamic
00:23:14.53\00:23:18.16
factors, change them to
the glory of God and move on.
00:23:18.20\00:23:21.62
Number 7 and this is one that
I really think is important and
00:23:21.66\00:23:28.59
that is know how far is
too far before you date.
00:23:28.63\00:23:32.48
Now there's not a person out
there dating who doesn't know
00:23:32.51\00:23:35.03
exactly what I'm talking
about. How far is too far?
00:23:35.06\00:23:38.70
I think the key word is "before"
00:23:38.74\00:23:41.90
and parents listening to this
program you need to be aware of
00:23:41.93\00:23:46.39
this in training your children
as they are young that they have
00:23:46.42\00:23:50.89
these decisions made. Because
you can't make a good decision
00:23:50.93\00:23:54.64
in the heat of the moment.
You have to make the decision
00:23:54.68\00:23:58.36
beforehand. I will go
this far and no further.
00:23:58.39\00:24:02.08
If the first time that this
thought occurs to you you're in
00:24:02.12\00:24:05.30
the backseat of a car, this
is not a good sign. You're in
00:24:05.33\00:24:08.17
You're in trouble. I wonder
if this is too far? That's a bad
00:24:08.21\00:24:11.71
sign. It's better to make
that decision beforehand. When I
00:24:11.74\00:24:15.14
started dating Gayle, she had
a reputation and the reputation
00:24:15.18\00:24:18.55
was she had very definite
boundaries. The young men that
00:24:18.58\00:24:22.71
I knew who knew her said,
Listen, she knows who she is,
00:24:22.74\00:24:26.79
she knows what her boundaries
are. That drew me to her. If you
00:24:26.83\00:24:30.45
want to know the truth, it did.
00:24:30.48\00:24:31.63
You know I think the thing that
created that though was having
00:24:31.67\00:24:35.62
parents and particularly having
a father who was active in my
00:24:35.66\00:24:39.63
life, who allowed me to know
that I was a person of value
00:24:39.67\00:24:43.58
because of my relationship with
him and my beauty lay somewhere
00:24:43.61\00:24:48.01
else other than what someone
could do on the back seat of a
00:24:48.04\00:24:52.40
car. So fathers, it's
tremendously important that they
00:24:52.44\00:24:56.41
be active and a part of
their little girl's life.
00:24:56.45\00:25:00.35
I hope all the fathers out there
are listening to that right
00:25:00.39\00:25:03.10
there. That's
true. The research bears
00:25:03.14\00:25:05.17
this out that if a father is
close to his daughter it really
00:25:05.20\00:25:09.93
pays dividends for her future
relationships, it pays dividends
00:25:09.96\00:25:14.46
in her maintaining virginity
until marriage and purity until
00:25:14.50\00:25:18.63
marriage. And it pays dividends
in her self-worth and then in
00:25:18.66\00:25:22.75
her ability to relate in
a healthy way to a man in
00:25:22.79\00:25:25.99
marriage. Fathers are key
in this. Some people have asked
00:25:26.03\00:25:30.40
me well Pastor how far is too
far? My answer to this is young
00:25:30.43\00:25:34.56
ladies, any part of your body
that you would not show to me
00:25:34.59\00:25:39.50
as a pastor is a part of your
body that he should neither see
00:25:39.53\00:25:44.40
nor touch. What a wonderful
rule. In fact, it worked.
00:25:44.44\00:25:49.15
They say there's not a lot
I'm going to show to you pastor.
00:25:49.18\00:25:52.11
Well good. That's as it should
be. So don't show it to him
00:25:52.14\00:25:55.00
either and don't let him touch
it. You know that's reserved for
00:25:55.03\00:25:58.56
marriage. It's
really that simple.
00:25:58.59\00:26:00.65
Well time goes by so fast. We've
got two minutes left. Why don't
00:26:00.69\00:26:04.78
you take 90 seconds to give
us the other two or three or sum
00:26:04.81\00:26:08.87
up. Okay. Law
number 8: if you find
00:26:08.91\00:26:10.64
it difficult to talk or to be
accurately understood or if you
00:26:10.67\00:26:14.29
find that you avoid unpleasant
issues in the relationship,
00:26:14.32\00:26:17.90
break up. You've got
communication issues.
00:26:17.94\00:26:19.92
Number 9: If you have been the
victim of molestation, incest or
00:26:19.95\00:26:24.23
rape, get help before you
date seriously because this will
00:26:24.27\00:26:27.87
affect every relationship in
your life, especially marriage
00:26:27.91\00:26:31.48
relationships and
intimacy in marriage.
00:26:31.52\00:26:32.96
And the last one is probably
the most important of all is
00:26:32.99\00:26:36.25
just surrender your dating life
and your sexuality to Jesus,
00:26:36.29\00:26:39.52
because he will be your
guide and he will do it.
00:26:39.55\00:26:43.38
So that should be 1A,
2A and all the way through.
00:26:43.41\00:26:47.21
That should be
all the way through.
00:26:47.24\00:26:48.87
So summarize them
really quick in say 40 seconds.
00:26:48.91\00:26:52.46
In 40 seconds, if you're going
to date you need to date to find
00:26:52.50\00:26:56.01
a mate and that means that
you have to have a plan in mind.
00:26:56.05\00:27:00.18
Our 10 commandments here of
dating or 10 laws of dating are
00:27:00.22\00:27:03.80
pretty good guidelines for you.
You may add or subtract from
00:27:03.83\00:27:07.20
this, but you need a plan and
a direction, a focus, so you'll
00:27:07.23\00:27:10.56
know where you're going,
otherwise you're going to end up
00:27:10.60\00:27:13.77
who knows where.
Yes, yes, I mean this is
00:27:13.80\00:27:16.69
absolutely fantastic and I know
that a lot of parents and a lot
00:27:16.72\00:27:20.10
of kids out there have
heard every word that you said.
00:27:20.13\00:27:22.73
This would be a good book.
00:27:22.76\00:27:24.32
Yeah, I'm working on it.
00:27:24.35\00:27:25.84
I imagine that you are working
on it. We're are just so tickled
00:27:25.87\00:27:29.17
that you are here with us today.
There are going to be additional
00:27:29.20\00:27:32.12
programs so I know that people
will want to see. I think that
00:27:32.13\00:27:34.91
the next program that we're
going to be doing is how to
00:27:34.92\00:27:38.19
select a Christian mate and
that's something that everybody
00:27:38.23\00:27:39.48
would like to know.
Anyway, we just want to thank
00:27:39.51\00:27:43.31
each one of you out there
for watching Issues and Answers
00:27:43.35\00:27:46.77
today and we just ask that God
bless you and just give you more
00:27:46.81\00:27:51.38
than you would ever
think that would be possible.
00:27:51.42\00:27:53.93
God bless you. We love you.
00:27:53.97\00:27:59.59