Hello, I'm Shelley
Quinn, and welcome again to
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Issues and Answers.
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Today our issue is going to
be surviving loss; going through
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death or divorce.
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This is going to be kind of
a nuts and bolts type program.
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It's going to be talking about
some very practical things that
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you might need to do to
go through this process.
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And it's going to be a program
that brings a lot of hope.
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Let me share a
scripture with you.
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It comes from Psalms
147:3 and it says, He heals the
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broken hearted and
binds up their wounds.
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If you're going through any
kind of grieving process today
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you will find hope in the
Lord, and hope in this program.
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Help me welcome
back Derry James.
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She's a chaplain, a board
certified chaplain and has a
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doctorate of ministry.
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She's here from
Grass Valley, California.
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Thank you, Derry,
for joining us again.
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Shelley, it's always a
pleasure to come back and visit
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with you here.
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Well, we love you here at 3ABN.
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You're a great
friend to this ministry.
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We appreciate the expertise that
bring, and the gentle spirit
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of humility, and also
being a spirit filled person.
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Let's talk about what the
grieving process is as you're
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going through death or divorce.
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Let's just get right into this.
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You said it's going
to be nuts and bolts.
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Let's get started.
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What do we have to do
when we're looking at death?
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What are some of the
steps we need to be taking?
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Well, are you
talking about going through
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the actual grieving; the
steps that we would go through
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in grieving?
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Because we'll just hit that very
quickly and then move on to the
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things that we need to take care
of as we go through that whole
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process of adjusting to
life without the person we love.
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Okay.
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The grieving process
itself generally starts with a
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time of shock.
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Then we move into the denial,
or bargaining, or anger stage.
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Then we go to the last stage
which is that of resignation,
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and reconciling with what
is, and moving on from there.
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That's really the area that
we're going to start with today.
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That's the area we're going to
work with is how to move forward
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through this process, and
talking about nuts and bolts
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and how to work with it.
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If we're dealing with grief
regarding death, attending to
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the details there are
somewhat more itemized.
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I'd like to just
go through a few.
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It's kind of a
check list, Shelley.
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I have a list here.
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When you're going through
death you have arrange for the
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funeral service of some type.
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So you're going to decide which
mortuary, then what kind of a
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service you're gong to have.
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You need to contact whoever
it is you want to lead in the
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services; the
minister, or chaplain, or person
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giving the eulogy.
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Then whatever musicians you
want, or whatever music you want
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to have at the service.
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Selecting and notifying
pallbearers if you're having
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a funeral and not a cremation.
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Then you have to order the
flowers, choose the clothes,
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write the obituary, decide
what memorial gifts might be
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appropriate for your family,
or whether you want them to go
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somewhere else, order a death
certificate, choose the plot or
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site, arrange for
family members that are coming.
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We're really
talking nuts and bolts here.
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I said a little check list
of things we need to go through
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in order to arrange
for the services and plan
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for the actual program.
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And, you know, usually, is it
not true, that the funeral home
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that you choose, they're
going to help you through a lot
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of these things?
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I was just going to say that.
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They will walk you
through a lot of these things.
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This is a quick, kind
of like putting a little
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seed down to let you know
that there are decisions you're
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going to have to
make, to be aware of.
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But the home, or the minister
even leading the service,
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is going to ask for some of
these things and help lead you
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through it as well.
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You know, Derry, as
you're saying all these things
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it strikes me that my
husband and I have not done any
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pre-arrangement.
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I can't imagine having to
go through this when you are
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grieving if you
haven't pre-arranged some
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of these things.
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It must be very terrible to
go through when you're grieving.
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You know, one thing that
may sound strange, but as I was
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going through my chaplaincy
training one of the assignments
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we had was to look at
our death and plan our
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own memorial service.
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I can't tell you how liberating
that was, and how much peace
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it brought into my life.
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It gave me an opportunity
to write letters to my family.
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It gave me an opportunity to say
this is what I would like at my
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memorial service.
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It gave me an opportunity to
write a letter to my community
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to be read there.
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When I faced a death situation
just about a year and a half
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later, where my car almost went
over the cliff, and then rolled
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over, and I was still alive
and unhurt, and realized that
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God wasn't finished with me yet.
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I had total peace through that
process because everything was
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right between God and
me, and my fellow man and me,
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to the best
that I could make it.
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I was prepared.
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I had everything prepared.
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So there really is some merit
in what you're saying in making
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your own arrangements;
making them with your family
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and having
those things laid out.
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It gives you a certain release
and peace in your own life.
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But now in sharp contrast
to the nuts and bolts processes
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of what you have to deal with
in a death, and the fact that
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there is someone there,
typically professionals, who are
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going to help you through that.
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What about divorce?
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I mean there's a lot
that has to be gone through,
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but you don't have
someone, a divorce consultant,
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that you can turn
to necessarily help you
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through those things.
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No, and attorneys don't
always know you well enough,
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or know your heart's dreams,
goals, and desires to even know
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the right questions to ask you
to give you the guidance that
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you might need
that they could give.
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So the things that you're
dealing with in divorce are to
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find that attorney that suddenly
is going to represent you,
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and are they going to do the
job, and can they be trusted?
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And then it's the decision of
dividing the goods that you've
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gathered together, you know,
and making some of those hard
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decisions, and come to
agreements, whether it has to do
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with visitation of the children,
or who's going to keep what.
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I know that when I was
going through my divorce
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it was painfully difficult.
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My prayer was, Lord
help me not to keep anything
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that I should let go
of or let go of anything
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You want me to keep.
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And I hope that I heard God,
but there's times that you are
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so emotionally distraught,
and grieving, that you wonder
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if you got the
signal right, you know.
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You want to do right.
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You want to kind of fight for
what you think you're supposed
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to do, or have, but you don't
want to make an issue of those
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things that you shouldn't.
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It's such an emotionally
volatile time, and your feelings
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are bouncing back between love
and hate, that I can't always
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say that I heard God accurately.
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All I can say is I tried.
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You know, something, to go back
to the death; something that one
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of my little mother-in-law's
friends told her;
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a precious little lady,
she was eighty years old.
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Her husband died and someone
told her, You don't want to live
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in this home because he died
in the home, so sell the home.
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And within four months
she put her home up for sale,
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sold her home, and six
months later regretted that.
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And so what I tell
people now when I'm counseling,
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in a death situation, is
don't make any major decisions
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in that first year.
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Give yourself some time to
go through the grieving process,
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because she later found that
she would have had more comfort
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being in the home
surrounded by the memories,
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where their children had grown
up, and so she regretted it.
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I can imagine that there's many
things, many decisions that you
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do make after death, or after
divorce, that you may look back
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on with some
regret or questioning.
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Oh sure, and it's the
same thing about the home.
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Do you want out of this
house because there's so many
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memories, both good and unhappy?
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Or is this where my children
grew up and they'll come back,
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and want to come
back to the home?
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And sometimes that is the
security the children have,
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and they want to come
back there, and other times
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they don't want to have anything
to do with coming back to that
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house because of the memories.
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If the children are
young that's the consideration
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that you have to weigh
is if you can keep the home,
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whether it would be better and
more stable for the children.
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So in this, I'm seeing
that as we're discussing then,
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would you recommend that someone
who's going through a divorce,
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particularly if they have young
children, maybe see a counselor
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that could lead them
through that process to consider
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the children's feelings as well
as their own, and not to make
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rash decisions?
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Well, actually, the children
probably would need an interview
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with a counselor to find out
where the children really are
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as well, because there
are multiple issues that come
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up with that.
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But the children certainly need
support during a time like this.
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There's a time of
adjustment for the whole family
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whether it's death or divorce.
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Let's just call it loss,
because both of them are loss,
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and there is
that adjustment time.
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It's kind of taking a
deep breath and regrouping,
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and not making any major
decisions during that period
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at all because
you're emotionally unstable,
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no matter how strong you
want to be, hope you would be,
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or would like to be.
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So it's just kind of taking
a deep breath and adjusting
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to these whole
new circumstances.
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It's a matter of being able
to get to the point of purging;
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purging those things that would
cause you to hang onto what was,
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instead of moving into
what is and what will be.
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From a state of loss to living
in a healthy spot of living
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in the memories of the
good, and not hanging on
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and trying to make
something be that is not.
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So in the purging, I'm thinking
more for example, of it's time
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now to clean out the closet.
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With the loss of a husband,
if they're not tools that I can
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use, it's time now to
let go now of those tools.
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Give them to the children,
or give them to the church,
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or sell them, or whatever,
but it's time now to purge out
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those things that would
become cumbersome in your life;
00:11:51.69\00:11:55.31
baggage, so to speak, that are
causing you to stay in the past.
00:11:55.34\00:12:00.15
But what about if it's not
lost through death, but perhaps
00:12:00.38\00:12:05.29
lost by divorce?
00:12:05.32\00:12:06.76
Sometimes people in their
irrational moments following a
00:12:06.79\00:12:14.73
divorce will go through
their albums and cut out
00:12:14.76\00:12:17.53
the spouses pictures, you
know, cut every picture in half,
00:12:17.56\00:12:20.86
and destroy every
remembrance of this.
00:12:20.89\00:12:23.25
I even had a friend who
did this when her children
00:12:23.28\00:12:25.76
were very young, and then
the ex-husband died a couple
00:12:25.77\00:12:30.55
of years later, and
they had no pictures.
00:12:30.58\00:12:32.72
I mean, thankfully, they got
a few pictures of when he was
00:12:32.73\00:12:35.13
younger from the grandmother,
but really she robbed her
00:12:35.16\00:12:39.09
children of those pictures.
00:12:39.12\00:12:40.29
She said that's something
she really regretted doing
00:12:40.32\00:12:43.02
because she got over the
anger with her husband later,
00:12:43.06\00:12:47.04
and she regretted not
saving those pictures.
00:12:47.07\00:12:49.39
And anger is a part of grieving.
00:12:49.42\00:12:51.57
That is a very normal
part of grieving as well.
00:12:51.60\00:12:54.56
But not only is it a part of
grieving, but it's a part of the
00:12:54.59\00:12:58.94
whole experience of
everything you're going through,
00:12:58.97\00:13:03.33
and the interactions
of making decisions.
00:13:03.36\00:13:05.64
I mean anger is so normal.
00:13:05.67\00:13:07.85
It's so normal
because in divorce we become
00:13:07.88\00:13:13.04
self protective.
00:13:13.28\00:13:14.25
Women can become very
insecure and frightened.
00:13:14.26\00:13:17.34
They're worried for their
future, and so they want to
00:13:17.37\00:13:20.47
hang on and fight for
everything, because they don't
00:13:20.48\00:13:23.50
know what the future holds.
00:13:23.85\00:13:24.87
So, you're right, and
I'm glad you brought that up.
00:13:24.90\00:13:28.34
And the purging, particularly
in divorce, because we're angry
00:13:28.37\00:13:31.72
or have negative
emotions towards that spouse.
00:13:31.75\00:13:34.81
We certainly don't want to
do destructive things that are
00:13:34.84\00:13:38.14
going to affect our
family and children later.
00:13:38.17\00:13:40.36
So when you go through
part of this adjusting process,
00:13:40.39\00:13:45.69
the purging really is a
part of the adjusting process,
00:13:45.72\00:13:49.03
how do you transition?
00:13:49.06\00:13:50.91
Again I'm thinking of a friend
who lost her husband to death.
00:13:50.94\00:13:56.45
And she said, I need to
avoid grocery stores because,
00:13:56.48\00:14:00.33
she said, I go into the grocery
store and I buy so much food,
00:14:00.36\00:14:03.76
and I come home and it wastes.
00:14:03.79\00:14:05.66
She's still buying for
two, but she's lost her appetite
00:14:05.67\00:14:09.66
in the first place.
00:14:09.69\00:14:10.66
She buys all this
food and brings it home,
00:14:10.67\00:14:13.61
and it doesn't get prepared.
00:14:13.64\00:14:15.27
There's all these
transitions in learning how to,
00:14:15.30\00:14:19.02
for maybe a man who's getting
a divorce, learning how to cook
00:14:19.05\00:14:21.63
for himself.
00:14:21.66\00:14:22.63
Can you address
some of those issues?
00:14:22.64\00:14:24.08
Well, some of that I can,
and I can do it relatively well,
00:14:24.11\00:14:27.98
Shelley, and some of it I can't,
because I have to tell you,
00:14:28.01\00:14:31.19
as a mom, I used to
make huge meals all the time.
00:14:31.22\00:14:35.81
You know, I had those seven boys
that ate like two people apiece,
00:14:35.84\00:14:38.96
so I made humongous amounts
of food, and then I entertained
00:14:38.97\00:14:42.95
a lot; still do entertain some.
00:14:42.98\00:14:45.09
But now I'm down to just cooking
for me and it is so hard,
00:14:45.12\00:14:50.28
because I love to cook anyway.
00:14:50.31\00:14:52.22
It is so hard for me
to cook for just one.
00:14:52.25\00:14:55.24
It's like I'm cooking and giving
food away, or I cook it and I
00:14:55.25\00:14:58.50
freeze it, or I eat
it for a week, you know.
00:14:58.53\00:15:01.11
So that is still... that's not
a strong point for me to talk,
00:15:01.14\00:15:04.10
about, mainly because I love to
cook, and because I end up with
00:15:04.13\00:15:07.59
so much myself.
00:15:07.62\00:15:08.60
But there are the people,
for example, it could be a man
00:15:08.63\00:15:14.80
or a woman, that
have never cooked.
00:15:14.83\00:15:17.52
Their spouse did all the
cooking, and suddenly they
00:15:17.55\00:15:21.22
haven't a clue even
how to make a sandwich.
00:15:21.25\00:15:23.41
And I'm serious about that.
00:15:23.44\00:15:25.21
It is some very heart rending
cases that I go through with
00:15:25.24\00:15:31.08
some of our patients and their
families where they have no clue
00:15:31.11\00:15:34.84
how to take care of themselves
at all in the kitchen.
00:15:34.87\00:15:37.58
They don't know how
to prepare anything.
00:15:37.61\00:15:39.59
Or you have one or other
of the spouses that have never
00:15:39.62\00:15:43.07
paid the bills, and
it could be either one.
00:15:43.10\00:15:45.78
And sometimes you'll
find, particularly with women,
00:15:45.81\00:15:48.76
you'll find a
woman who's never driven.
00:15:48.79\00:15:50.47
Her husband's
always driven the car.
00:15:50.50\00:15:52.11
That's hard for me to imagine,
in this day and age, and yet
00:15:52.14\00:15:55.33
I just ran into that case
where a woman who was sixty-five
00:15:55.36\00:15:59.10
had never driven.
00:15:59.13\00:16:00.23
They lived in a
small town with one car.
00:16:00.26\00:16:03.06
He had driven everywhere.
00:16:03.09\00:16:04.22
He was a pharmacist.
00:16:04.25\00:16:05.28
So she was very frightened
to go get her drivers license.
00:16:05.31\00:16:09.45
Bless her heart!
00:16:09.48\00:16:10.45
When she did she found such
liberty that now her kids say
00:16:10.46\00:16:13.22
that they can't
keep up with her.
00:16:13.25\00:16:14.71
You have the same situation
with people that have never gone
00:16:14.74\00:16:20.13
grocery shopping, for example,
or never done any shopping.
00:16:20.16\00:16:23.21
I mean this becomes
this transitional time,
00:16:23.24\00:16:27.23
becomes a time
of new orientation,
00:16:27.26\00:16:30.98
a time of
education, a time that's
00:16:31.01\00:16:33.99
extremely stressful.
00:16:34.02\00:16:36.64
Some people, some men, have
no clue what to put together;
00:16:36.67\00:16:41.26
shirt and pants, and
they've depended upon their
00:16:41.29\00:16:43.87
wife to help them get dressed.
00:16:43.90\00:16:45.93
I man we're talking
nitty gritty, down to earth,
00:16:45.96\00:16:51.99
facts of life that
people now are struggling with
00:16:52.02\00:16:56.23
as they have to not
only go through this grief,
00:16:56.26\00:16:59.12
but transition to a whole
new lifestyle for themselves.
00:16:59.15\00:17:02.34
It's kind of
like bite the bullet.
00:17:02.37\00:17:06.96
Get someone that can
educate you and help you.
00:17:06.99\00:17:10.12
Don't throw up your hands
and give up, or jump in bed
00:17:10.15\00:17:13.59
and pull the covers
over your head and hide.
00:17:13.62\00:17:15.52
The problem
isn't going to go away.
00:17:15.55\00:17:17.34
So what would you say to
children who have lost a parent
00:17:17.37\00:17:24.37
and they have a surviving
parent who is needing this help?
00:17:24.40\00:17:28.92
It's a precarious position
because you don't want to be
00:17:28.95\00:17:32.65
condescending to your parent.
00:17:32.68\00:17:34.16
But if you see your parent
struggling, and they're not
00:17:34.19\00:17:36.68
reaching out, how would
you counsel someone who might,
00:17:36.71\00:17:40.11
you know, a child who has a
father that the mother's died
00:17:40.12\00:17:44.37
and now they see their
father acting helpless.
00:17:44.40\00:17:46.38
How do you approach someone like
this and just let them know,
00:17:46.41\00:17:49.46
I'm here if you need me?
00:17:49.49\00:17:50.57
Well, when you say child, I'm
thinking of younger children.
00:17:50.60\00:17:55.35
and then I hear you
also talking adult children.
00:17:55.38\00:17:59.80
So we're talking both,
so let's look at children,
00:17:59.83\00:18:03.51
younger children first of all.
00:18:03.54\00:18:04.78
Let's say even children
from seven to their teen years,
00:18:04.81\00:18:09.34
or early teens, and
one parent has died,
00:18:09.37\00:18:12.57
and the other parent is
not dealing with it well.
00:18:12.61\00:18:16.52
This is a very, very dangerous
situation where if the mother
00:18:16.55\00:18:21.04
dies, for example, the
young girl will try to step up
00:18:21.07\00:18:24.73
and take mom's place, and
suddenly has to become the
00:18:24.76\00:18:28.47
little adult
overnight; making all the meals,
00:18:28.50\00:18:31.44
cleaning the
house, running the home.
00:18:31.47\00:18:33.24
Not that she shouldn't
help participate in that,
00:18:33.27\00:18:36.12
but certainly not that the whole
responsibility should be on her
00:18:36.15\00:18:39.39
shoulders; not that she should
feel she has to assume Mommies
00:18:39.42\00:18:42.96
position, because we're
robbed of our childhood enough,
00:18:42.99\00:18:47.46
you know, and to have to give
it up any sooner than we need to
00:18:47.49\00:18:52.77
is not healthy.
00:18:52.80\00:18:54.33
It's not good.
00:18:54.34\00:18:55.51
So we have that prospect where
we would hope that a loving
00:18:55.54\00:19:00.81
family member, another
older sister to the husband,
00:19:00.84\00:19:06.20
sister-in-law, someone would
come in and talk to the husband
00:19:06.23\00:19:08.88
and say, you know, we need to
help you get with the program,
00:19:08.91\00:19:14.42
so to speak.
00:19:14.45\00:19:15.84
You know, then if we have,
we're talking older children
00:19:15.87\00:19:18.60
that are seeing a parent in this
position, those older children
00:19:18.61\00:19:21.79
might need to come alongside
of mom and dad and say,
00:19:21.82\00:19:24.85
We know that, for example,
dad always took care of this
00:19:24.88\00:19:29.64
for you, and we realize
this is a situation that's going
00:19:29.67\00:19:33.10
to be very difficult.
00:19:33.14\00:19:34.11
Mom we want to stay for the
next weekend, week, whatever,
00:19:34.12\00:19:38.16
and we want to help you learn
now to do this so that you can
00:19:38.19\00:19:42.72
be more self sufficient.
00:19:42.75\00:19:45.81
We need to help a person have
as much autonomy as possible
00:19:45.84\00:19:51.00
without walking in and
taking the responsibility off
00:19:51.03\00:19:54.42
of their shoulders.
00:19:54.45\00:19:55.42
We need to help them develop the
independence that gives a sense
00:19:55.43\00:19:59.38
of value and self-worth
instead of helplessness
00:19:59.41\00:20:02.62
and hopelessness.
00:20:02.65\00:20:03.93
There's so many things to
consider here, and it occurs to
00:20:03.96\00:20:09.09
me that the church needs to be
a place where people can turn.
00:20:09.13\00:20:14.64
Often we are so... everybody's
life these days, Derry,
00:20:14.67\00:20:21.34
as you well know, we're
all screaming for more time.
00:20:21.37\00:20:25.41
I know my constant
prayer is, Lord redeem my time,
00:20:25.44\00:20:28.29
because it seems like more
and more is crowded into my
00:20:28.32\00:20:32.51
schedule on a daily
basis, and I worry sometimes.
00:20:32.54\00:20:36.57
I travel a lot so I worry
that I'm not as much help to my
00:20:36.60\00:20:40.95
church members as I could be.
00:20:40.98\00:20:42.72
But what could churches do
to reach out and help; like with
00:20:42.75\00:20:47.51
committees, maybe forming a
committee or having programs
00:20:47.54\00:20:51.03
where you teach how to budget,
how to reconcile your checkbook.
00:20:51.06\00:20:55.64
I mean there needs to
be something that churches,
00:20:55.65\00:20:58.18
some advice to our churches.
00:20:58.21\00:21:00.23
Well, you've
just said some of it.
00:21:00.26\00:21:03.11
Although it would be probably
a little difficult to say,
00:21:03.14\00:21:06.16
Well, we're having a
class tonight on how to
00:21:06.19\00:21:08.48
balance your checkbook.
00:21:08.51\00:21:09.58
Although a lot of our younger
generation have no clue how
00:21:09.61\00:21:12.43
to balance a checkbook either.
00:21:12.46\00:21:14.59
So many of the things we're
talking about are just daily
00:21:14.62\00:21:17.96
living things that if we realize
a particular need in our church,
00:21:18.00\00:21:21.93
whatever that need is, Shelley,
then that's the type of a
00:21:21.96\00:21:26.36
program that we
should put into effect.
00:21:26.39\00:21:29.37
I'm not just talking about this,
but if we know the temperament
00:21:29.38\00:21:33.14
the personality, and the
needs of our congregation,
00:21:33.17\00:21:35.97
then those are the
things that we need to focus on
00:21:36.00\00:21:39.07
assisting people with.
00:21:39.10\00:21:40.49
If it's not that we have
several that are interested,
00:21:40.52\00:21:43.91
then certainly we should
do this on a one to one basis.
00:21:43.94\00:21:46.52
You know it's very scriptural
that the older women come
00:21:46.55\00:21:50.39
alongside of the
younger women and train them.
00:21:50.42\00:21:52.27
It doesn't matter how old
you are, there's someone older
00:21:52.30\00:21:55.88
than you who can help
you, that you can learn from,
00:21:55.91\00:21:58.44
that can be a role model to you.
00:21:58.48\00:21:59.86
And sometimes, you know, younger
people may have to be a role
00:21:59.89\00:22:03.40
model to a widowed woman.
00:22:03.43\00:22:05.28
I mean they may have to get
in and teach her how to use the
00:22:05.31\00:22:08.81
internet, for example,
or do something like that.
00:22:08.84\00:22:11.37
Right, but be family, be family.
00:22:11.40\00:22:14.69
You know, we're back to that
the problem with loneliness,
00:22:14.72\00:22:18.13
and aloneness, and the need
for companionship, the need for
00:22:18.16\00:22:22.64
community, the
need for being part of.
00:22:22.67\00:22:25.29
And so the people
that are having the issues,
00:22:25.32\00:22:29.70
whether it's knowing how to
cook, or whether it's knowing
00:22:29.73\00:22:33.84
how to balance a checkbook,
they really need to have the
00:22:33.88\00:22:38.23
freedom, and not fear admitting
I have a problem in this area,
00:22:38.26\00:22:43.09
and I need help.
00:22:43.12\00:22:44.09
As we are talking about
surviving the loss of death
00:22:44.10\00:22:49.47
or divorce, it occurs to me
Lamentations 3:22, 23 says that
00:22:49.50\00:22:56.54
God's mercies are
new every morning.
00:22:56.57\00:22:59.23
Great is His faithfulness.
00:22:59.26\00:23:00.78
He is a God of new beginnings.
00:23:00.81\00:23:03.05
How can we give our audience,
the people who are watching or
00:23:03.08\00:23:08.24
are listening to us right
now, some hope that God is the
00:23:08.27\00:23:12.13
God of new beginnings?
00:23:12.16\00:23:13.47
Well, I was going to close
with this scripture, Shelley,
00:23:13.50\00:23:16.39
but it seems like a good time
to speak it forth right now.
00:23:16.42\00:23:19.29
I'd like to read Revelation
21 where it says, Now...
00:23:19.32\00:23:24.82
It's talking about the new
heaven and earth coming down
00:23:24.85\00:23:27.84
again, and the New Jerusalem,
and the Holy City and it says,
00:23:27.87\00:23:31.10
Now the dwelling of God is with
men and he will live with them.
00:23:31.13\00:23:33.97
They will be his people and
God himself will be with them,
00:23:34.00\00:23:37.17
and be their God.
00:23:37.20\00:23:38.17
The next verse says, He will
wipe every tear from their eyes.
00:23:38.18\00:23:43.00
There will be no more death
or mourning, or crying, or pain,
00:23:43.03\00:23:47.59
for the old order of
things has passed away.
00:23:47.62\00:23:50.04
And then it says, He who
is seated on the throne says,
00:23:50.07\00:23:52.93
I'm making everything new.
00:23:52.96\00:23:54.17
And then he said, write
this down, for these words are
00:23:54.20\00:23:56.95
trustworthy and true.
00:23:56.98\00:23:58.27
No matter what we go through
in life, no matter what tragedy,
00:23:58.30\00:24:04.05
or no matter what joy, for that
matter, God loves to share it
00:24:04.08\00:24:09.14
with us, Shelley.
00:24:09.17\00:24:10.22
Amen.
00:24:10.25\00:24:11.22
He wants to be right there
by our side, and as we know,
00:24:11.23\00:24:14.07
the old poem Footprints.
00:24:14.10\00:24:16.02
Sometimes He's just carrying
us as we make it through.
00:24:16.05\00:24:20.19
But our hope for new beginnings,
our hope for vital new
00:24:20.22\00:24:24.90
beginnings can come best as
we turn to Jesus, and we say,
00:24:24.93\00:24:29.61
I can't do this.
00:24:29.64\00:24:30.67
I can't do this by myself.
00:24:30.70\00:24:32.90
I can't do this on my own.
00:24:32.93\00:24:35.18
This is too big for me.
00:24:35.21\00:24:36.31
This is too much for me.
00:24:36.34\00:24:38.03
I need you.
00:24:38.04\00:24:39.76
I need help.
00:24:39.79\00:24:40.76
I need you to send me someone.
00:24:40.77\00:24:42.50
God hears the prayers of His
people when they cry out to Him.
00:24:42.53\00:24:47.62
Amen.
00:24:47.65\00:24:48.62
And over and over in scripture
when we cry out to God,
00:24:48.63\00:24:51.82
God comes and
answers right away.
00:24:51.85\00:24:54.31
He hears us cry out to Him.
00:24:54.34\00:24:57.01
And He sees the
tears of His children.
00:24:57.04\00:24:58.72
And our hope for tomorrow, our
strength for today, comes when
00:24:58.75\00:25:04.46
we turn to scripture, and
again we cling to those promises
00:25:04.49\00:25:07.59
of God and personalize them.
00:25:07.62\00:25:09.09
As we turn to God
and say, Take my hand.
00:25:09.12\00:25:12.04
I don't even have
the strength to hang on.
00:25:12.07\00:25:14.37
And just ask God to take
over where we can't do anything.
00:25:14.40\00:25:18.92
To lift us up;
lift up our heads.
00:25:18.95\00:25:21.97
Amen.
00:25:22.00\00:25:23.16
And, you know, I think about
we began this program talking
00:25:23.19\00:25:27.22
from Psalms 147:3 that He binds
the wounds of the brokenhearted;
00:25:27.25\00:25:33.19
heals the brokenhearted,
binds up their wounds.
00:25:33.22\00:25:35.66
Now I know for you,
that you went back to school
00:25:35.69\00:25:39.31
after your divorce, didn't you?
00:25:39.34\00:25:40.98
Actually, I started
school before my divorce,
00:25:41.01\00:25:44.74
and it was when I got my
chaplaincy job that the divorce
00:25:44.77\00:25:47.21
happened, but I was setting
up a new chaplains department.
00:25:47.24\00:25:49.93
As we reach out to
others, that was my salvation.
00:25:49.96\00:25:54.73
As I gave myself to others,
in their hurt and their pain,
00:25:54.76\00:25:59.14
God brought healing
to my hurt and my pain.
00:25:59.17\00:26:01.86
And Him teaching you to
praise Him to get beyond that
00:26:01.89\00:26:05.63
lump in your throat.
00:26:05.64\00:26:06.76
That's right.
00:26:06.79\00:26:07.76
But He certainly did
give you a new beginning.
00:26:07.77\00:26:09.62
And we just want to
leave everyone who's watching
00:26:09.63\00:26:12.76
with this hope is that
Jeremiah 29:11, God says,
00:26:12.79\00:26:17.71
He has a plan for your life.
00:26:17.72\00:26:19.71
And, let me tell you
something, it's better than the
00:26:19.74\00:26:21.77
one we're living.
00:26:22.12\00:26:23.09
He wants to prosper you;
to give you hope and a future.
00:26:23.10\00:26:25.93
And so this is something
that everybody is going to go
00:26:25.96\00:26:30.90
through this adjustment process.
00:26:30.93\00:26:33.52
They're going to have to go
through the purging process,
00:26:33.55\00:26:36.05
They're going to then have
to go through the transition,
00:26:36.06\00:26:39.63
but just recognizing that God
is the God of new beginnings.
00:26:39.64\00:26:43.55
Amen.
00:26:43.56\00:26:45.16
That's right.
00:26:45.19\00:26:46.16
Derry, you are just
a very special person,
00:26:46.17\00:26:48.38
and I just want to thank
you so much for being here.
00:26:48.41\00:26:50.50
Thank you, Shelley.
00:26:50.53\00:26:51.64
I enjoy it always.
00:26:51.67\00:26:53.90
I enjoy being here and sharing.
00:26:53.93\00:26:56.29
I'll look forward to
another time together.
00:26:56.32\00:26:59.19
Well, me too, and we just
want to thank you once again for
00:26:59.22\00:27:04.24
all of your compassion that
shines forth, and for everything
00:27:04.27\00:27:08.19
that you do when
you come here to 3ABN.
00:27:08.22\00:27:10.43
I know you're going to be
staying with us a little while,
00:27:10.46\00:27:12.81
and volunteering.
00:27:12.84\00:27:14.24
We thank you for that.
00:27:14.27\00:27:15.38
For those of you at home, I hope
if you know anyone that's going
00:27:15.41\00:27:19.76
through this grieving
process, help them to understand
00:27:19.79\00:27:23.17
what they're
going through is normal.
00:27:23.20\00:27:24.68
Be there for them.
00:27:24.71\00:27:26.19
Be a listening ear, a
caring shoulder, and point them
00:27:26.22\00:27:30.06
toward Jesus.
00:27:30.09\00:27:31.31
You know, if we keep our
eyes on the problem solver,
00:27:31.34\00:27:34.65
rather than the problem, He
promises in Isaiah 26:3 to keep
00:27:34.68\00:27:40.38
us in perfect peace, if we
will keep our minds steadfastly
00:27:40.41\00:27:44.33
fixed on Him, trusting in Him.
00:27:44.36\00:27:46.87
Now may the grace of our Lord
Jesus Christ, the love of the
00:27:46.90\00:27:50.36
Father, and the fellowship
of the Holy Spirit be with you.
00:27:50.39\00:27:53.53
Thank you.
00:27:53.56\00:27:54.53