Hello, I'm Shelley Quinn.
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And welcome again to
"Issues and Answers."
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Today, our issue is going to be
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"Working through
Grief and Bereavement."
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And if you are in this process,
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I want to give you
a promise from God.
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Psalm 3:3. Let
me read this to you.
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It says, "You, oh,
Lord, are a shield for me,
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my glory, and the
lifter of my head."
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I'm impressed to say a
prayer for you even now.
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Heavenly Father, I
ask in the name of Jesus
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for all who are watching
or listening to my voice.
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If they are going through grief,
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I pray You will cup
Your hand under their chin.
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Help them, Lord,
lift them, lift their head
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and help them to look to Jesus,
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the author and finisher
of the faith in Jesus' name.
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Amen. Amen.
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We have with us today
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joining us once
again, Chaplain Derry James.
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She has a Doctor of Ministry,
a board certified chaplain.
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And she is from Spring Valley.
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Grass Valley. Grass valley.
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Well, that was close enough.
Grass Valley, California.
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Derry, I'm so glad
you are back again.
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Thank you, Shelly.
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I know this topic
is close to your heart
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because when I heard
some of your personal story.
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It seems that the experiences
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through which you
have walked in your life
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prepared you in advance to
be a compassionate chaplain.
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Why don't you share with
us some of the personal loss
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that you've
experienced in your life?
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Well, Shelly, my
first deep personal lost was
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when my seven-year-old
sister died, I was a freshman.
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And she got the measles
that developed into pneumonia
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and then into encephalitis.
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And then the following year,
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my father died of
coronary heart failure.
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He and my mom were
in process of divorce
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at the time when that happened.
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Then I lost my
grandmother to cancer,
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and then we lost
our 25-year-old son
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in an automobile accident.
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And following that, we
lost our first granddaughter.
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I raised seven sons
before I gave birth to
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and before I had--
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I had the privilege of
raising for my ex-husband.
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And our first
little baby was a girl
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and we lost her to SIDS apnea.
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And then I lost my husband
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from divorce in 1998.
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So I've had a process
of losses through my life.
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And actually I lost
my-- my father died last year
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and two of my
best friends last year.
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So last year was a
tough year as well.
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You know, it reminds me looking
at your story in what the--
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how the Lord is using you now.
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2 Corinthians 1, it says that,
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"God is the God of all comfort
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who comforts us in our troubles
that we may comfort others
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with the same comfort that
we have received from Him."
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And that really is what
He is doing with you now is,
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He is using you as a chaplain
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in a hospital in
Grass Valley, California.
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And you are working with people
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who often are in this process of
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"Working through
Grief and Bereavement."
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Let's talk about this process.
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And what are some
of the stages of grief
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or just the
anticipation of grief?
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You know, there are sometimes
when we're facing something
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and we're not grieving
yet because we're in a crisis
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if you will, but
reaching that turning point
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and we know grief is coming.
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We know that this is-- it
could be the announcement.
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We're expecting the announcement
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that someone has a
terminal disease perhaps.
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We refer to that as
anticipatory grief, Shelly.
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And that really does
begin kind of at the moment
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you have that bad news
diagnosis that comes to you
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because you begin anticipating
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then the rest of
the life's journey
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of either yourself or
that person that you love
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and what that is
going to mean to you.
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And with that
anticipatory grief,
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comes the loss of all the dreams
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that are not going
to be filled, you know.
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So the death of a
vision even in a divorce it--
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I mean, it's the
death of a vision.
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You've married and you expected
to live happily ever after.
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So anytime you're facing that,
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if it's a child or
your husband or what,
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it's the death of a
vision of life with that person.
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Right, right, there
actually we talked about
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four types of grieving
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and there's like
that the chronic grieving
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that does not subside.
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And then there is the
delayed or suppressed grieving,
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they kind of put off or
we don't acknowledge it.
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And there is the
exaggerated grieving
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where it's just
almost self-destructive. Yes.
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And then there is
the masked grieving
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where you just
don't want to face it
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and yet your behavior interferes
with normal activities
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and not even allowing you
the normal grieving process.
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So I just want
to touch on those,
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not necessarily
explore them deeply,
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but to bring an
awareness and also to bring
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an awareness of what we
call disenfranchised grief
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where you can have complicated
grief issues involved.
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For example, people
that have HIV or partners
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or it could even be a
secret lover that can't--
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that isn't included
in the acknowledgement
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of grief processing
that has to hide their grief.
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It could be a
stepchild to a stepparent
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and acknowledgement of grief.
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These are like
high risk issues. Yeah.
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Kind of high risk issues
or not the socially accepted
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or morally accepted
standards even that cause people
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that are in these
precarious positions
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to have to either hide
their grief or grieve alone.
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We call that
disenfranchised grief. I see.
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But that is complicated grief
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where it's very
difficult for them
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because they don't
necessarily have anyone that can
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come by their side and help them
as they go through this process,
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unless they know God and
can turn to God in these issues.
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We have children
that deal with that grief
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and yet as adults
we can get so tied into
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everything we're
taking care of that.
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Even at the hospital
bedside as we are standing by
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a person that is
dying and we're grieving.
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The children are
usually off in the corner
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and not often
like right on the bed
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with grandma as
she's-- as she's gonna pass.
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And as a
chaplain, I will sometimes
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immediately go to that
child I see in the corner
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and say in front of
the adult something like,
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"Boy, honey, this is
really hard for you to--
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for grandma to be
so sick, isn't it?"
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And that
immediately brings an awareness
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to this child in the corner.
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So--and we each
grieve in our own way
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and children will
sometimes put off their grieving
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because they think they have
to be strong for their parents
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and see their
parents through this.
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You know, when my mother died,
she died literally in my arms.
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She was in the hospital, but
she had suffered for many years
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and was lingering and they
kept anticipating her death.
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And finally, my sister
didn't want let her go.
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And so I took my sister
outside of the hospital room
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and I said, I
feel like, my mother,
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you know, our
mother is waiting for us
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to give her permission to die.
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And I was being so
strong and I walked back in
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and I convinced my
sister that we needed to--
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we had been praying quite a bit.
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My mother was
pretty much comatose,
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but we've been
praying for God to revive her
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and we went in
and I told my mother,
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even though she
was in the state,
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I said, "Momma,
we've discussed this,
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we're gonna take
care of one another.
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You have our permission to die."
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And within moments
her breathing became
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very relaxed
and then she passed.
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And she was in my arms.
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And, you know, I was
so prepared for this.
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We had been expecting
it, it was a prolonged.
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My mother had complete
cardiac and respiratory arrest
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four years earlier and she has--
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was left paralyzed
from the neck down.
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And so we were
expecting this death
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and yet when it
actually happened,
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I held myself
together for just a moment,
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but I went outside the hospital
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and I let out a wail that came
some deep from down within me.
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I was just mourning and
just let out this horrible wail.
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It was just ungodly.
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I mean, I don't
know how to explain it.
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And my grief was upfront.
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Now my sister on the other hand
who usually falls to pieces,
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she was very strong
for the first 24 hours
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then her grief was so great,
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she didn't even
make it to the funeral.
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So everybody does
grief in a different way.
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And you watch people,
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you know, it's sad
that what we do to people,
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let's say, you should be over
your grief by now, you know.
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Well, you're bringing
up a lot of points here.
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My little head is just digging
going all directions right now,
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but you're absolutely right.
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Many times a dying person,
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once they hear that the
family gives them permission,
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they will let go.
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Another thing is, if
they have been dealing
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with unforgiveness
issues or reconciliation issues
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in the family, the
minute those are resolved.
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Sometimes a person
will die more quickly.
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Sometimes
they'll hang on for days
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until they can
get that resolved.
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Exactly true. And
that's a very important issue.
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Going back now to this
grieving in different ways,
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you have people that have
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the prolonged
anticipation of death
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and then you
have the sudden death.
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And it's the
sudden death is easy,
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easier for the person that died,
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but it's more difficult
for the people that are alive
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because they haven't had
that opportunity to prepare
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or they start having
questions or they think,
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If I'd only kiss them goodbye
this morning before they left.
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And generally-- If
I'd only said, I love you.
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Yes, exactly. And it's usually
the more traumatic death.
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So that in
itself is more difficult
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because it could mean a
lot of disfigurement as well.
00:12:06.67\00:12:11.21
In the prolonged dying process
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that you have an opportunity
to face grief often on
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and often on again, it
does not necessarily mean
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as you've expressed already
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that the grieving
is gonna be any easier
00:12:21.34\00:12:23.29
when the actuality comes.
00:12:23.32\00:12:25.69
And some people think,
00:12:25.72\00:12:27.09
"Oh, well, you've had all this
time to deal with the grief."
00:12:27.12\00:12:29.50
But that is not necessarily.
00:12:29.53\00:12:31.08
So at the
actuality of the death,
00:12:31.11\00:12:33.64
many times a
person just explodes
00:12:33.67\00:12:35.67
under this horrendous grief.
00:12:35.70\00:12:37.73
And yeah, I kind
of itemized in a way
00:12:37.76\00:12:40.67
all the different areas of
grief that I had to walk through
00:12:40.70\00:12:44.16
and the
different unexpected deaths
00:12:44.19\00:12:46.26
as well as the
prolong death processes.
00:12:46.29\00:12:49.70
And, Shelly, I'll tell
you, everyone was different
00:12:49.73\00:12:52.24
and how you can't guess
how you're going to react.
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You know, I know that
when my son at 25 died,
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I don't know how I
walked from the living room
00:13:01.54\00:13:03.42
to the kitchen for example.
00:13:03.45\00:13:04.82
Everything I did was mechanical.
00:13:04.85\00:13:06.92
And I couldn't remember things
from one minute to the next.
00:13:06.95\00:13:10.45
When you're going through grief,
00:13:10.48\00:13:12.00
one minute you want
people right there by your side
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and the next second you
don't want anyone around you.
00:13:14.80\00:13:17.43
One minute you're capable
00:13:17.46\00:13:18.83
and the next
minute, you can' think.
00:13:18.86\00:13:20.79
One minute you are crying,
the next minute you're angry.
00:13:20.82\00:13:24.01
And your--those are
normal grief reactions,
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but you're kind of all over
the map with your reactions.
00:13:28.32\00:13:31.47
So when I'm
counseling families I say,
00:13:31.50\00:13:34.21
"Be gentle with yourself
and be gentle with each other
00:13:34.24\00:13:38.90
because you're not
even going to realize
00:13:38.93\00:13:41.22
how you're coming across
00:13:41.25\00:13:43.13
because your whole emotional
responses can be so erratic
00:13:43.16\00:13:48.89
during this time
00:13:48.92\00:13:50.35
and the questions
that you go through."
00:13:50.38\00:13:53.35
And when a
person is going through
00:13:53.38\00:13:56.06
this last part
of the dying process
00:13:56.09\00:13:58.62
and grieving it with
their family members,
00:13:58.65\00:14:01.91
that's so important that
they take care of themselves
00:14:01.94\00:14:05.84
during that time
that they--that they eat,
00:14:05.87\00:14:08.49
that they force
themselves to eat a little
00:14:08.52\00:14:10.57
that they try to get
as much as sleep possible
00:14:10.60\00:14:13.16
because this is a
high stress, critical time
00:14:13.19\00:14:16.85
that you're
going through together
00:14:16.88\00:14:18.93
and highly
volatile with the emotions.
00:14:18.96\00:14:23.54
You know, there are times
00:14:23.57\00:14:25.46
that my
father-in-law had Alzheimer's
00:14:25.49\00:14:29.34
and my mother-in-law
was grieving his death.
00:14:29.37\00:14:33.22
I mean, grieving
his loss, I should say.
00:14:33.25\00:14:36.36
For so many years,
she actually preceded him
00:14:36.39\00:14:39.70
by just a few months in death,
but she was grieving his loss.
00:14:39.73\00:14:44.46
And I think
sometimes we don't understand--
00:14:44.49\00:14:48.60
We think of death is
being that cut off point,
00:14:51.40\00:14:55.97
but for some people divorce,
00:14:56.00\00:14:58.49
I think divorce can sometimes
be worse than death because--
00:14:58.52\00:15:01.68
It's ongoing.
00:15:01.71\00:15:03.08
It's ongoing,
there's no closure.
00:15:03.11\00:15:04.49
For someone who
has perhaps a loved one
00:15:04.52\00:15:08.88
who's in a coma or
a protracted illness,
00:15:08.91\00:15:12.50
something like Alzheimer's
00:15:12.53\00:15:14.72
or something that has
affected their mental state
00:15:14.75\00:15:17.80
to where the person
maybe physically there,
00:15:17.83\00:15:20.88
but they're no
longer mentally there.
00:15:20.91\00:15:22.84
What are some of
the stages of grief
00:15:22.87\00:15:25.55
that it doesn't matter
whether it's from as we said,
00:15:25.58\00:15:29.46
a divorce or a protracted
chronic illness or from death?
00:15:29.49\00:15:34.98
What are some of
the stages of deep grief
00:15:35.01\00:15:36.94
that people go through?
00:15:36.97\00:15:38.63
Generally, the first stage
and all of those are shock.
00:15:38.66\00:15:43.24
They just are
shocked with the news.
00:15:43.27\00:15:46.93
Whether it's going
to be prolonged illness,
00:15:46.96\00:15:49.35
whether it's the
pronouncement of divorce request
00:15:49.38\00:15:53.44
or someone leaving or talking
about betrayal or whatever else
00:15:53.47\00:15:59.30
or whether it's an instantaneous
sudden and traumatic death.
00:15:59.33\00:16:04.04
The first reaction
generally is shock in everyone.
00:16:04.07\00:16:08.59
And then after you go through
that which we call stage one,
00:16:08.62\00:16:12.60
the second stage is--
has several parts to it
00:16:12.63\00:16:16.77
and you can bounce around in it.
00:16:16.80\00:16:18.61
It's not necessarily
one in order of the other,
00:16:18.64\00:16:22.52
but there can be
a part of denial,
00:16:22.55\00:16:25.13
there can be a part of the anger
that we've already mentioned,
00:16:25.16\00:16:29.80
there can be a part of
bargaining with God like,
00:16:29.83\00:16:33.53
"If you'll just--Oh, God,
if You'll just save their life,
00:16:33.56\00:16:36.21
I promise I will always do this
or I will never do that again."
00:16:36.24\00:16:41.17
So it's trying to
work up this deal with God,
00:16:41.20\00:16:43.24
if you'll just--just
save their life, Lord.
00:16:43.27\00:16:46.48
And then there could
be a part of depression,
00:16:46.51\00:16:49.79
but whatever the parts
of the second stage are
00:16:49.82\00:16:53.32
and you can
bounce back and forth
00:16:53.35\00:16:54.72
from one to another.
00:16:54.75\00:16:56.29
You have to go
through that second stage
00:16:56.32\00:17:00.41
someway before you can
actually get to the third stage,
00:17:00.44\00:17:04.44
which is that
reconciling with what it is
00:17:04.47\00:17:09.35
and that resignation of going on
and starting over, if you will,
00:17:09.38\00:17:16.44
accepting things as they are.
00:17:16.47\00:17:18.81
Let me ask you a question.
00:17:18.84\00:17:20.91
I've a dear friend who lost
her husband over a year ago,
00:17:20.94\00:17:23.94
just barely over a year ago
00:17:23.97\00:17:25.88
and there's many
people who are counseling her,
00:17:25.91\00:17:31.35
not counseling with
her, but giving her counsel
00:17:31.38\00:17:34.48
that it's time to get on.
00:17:34.51\00:17:36.81
How do you know when you
get to that point of acceptance?
00:17:36.84\00:17:43.36
I mean, is there
a certain time limit
00:17:43.39\00:17:47.86
when you should be
concerned that somebody's grief
00:17:47.89\00:17:50.37
is exaggerated perhaps that
they're not going on beyond?
00:17:50.40\00:17:55.02
I mean, is it a
year, is it two years,
00:17:55.05\00:17:57.35
is there a time when
you should be concern
00:17:57.38\00:17:59.37
that someone's not
maybe turning the corner
00:17:59.40\00:18:01.91
and getting on with life?
00:18:01.94\00:18:04.91
Shelly, sometimes
family members and friends
00:18:04.94\00:18:08.41
will try to rush a
person's grieving more
00:18:08.44\00:18:12.19
because they're
uncomfortable with it
00:18:12.22\00:18:14.78
and don't know what to do.
00:18:14.81\00:18:16.70
And to give you an exact--
00:18:16.73\00:18:20.09
Yes, if you've grieved
two years or three years
00:18:20.12\00:18:22.70
that's enough,
you should move on.
00:18:22.73\00:18:24.16
Well, yeah, probably
by at least three years.
00:18:24.19\00:18:28.71
You ought to be concerned
00:18:28.74\00:18:30.11
if you're still in
deep grieving for sure.
00:18:30.14\00:18:34.49
You know, I've been divorced now
00:18:34.52\00:18:36.93
for almost eight or nine years
00:18:36.96\00:18:39.00
and my ex-husband
is happily married,
00:18:39.03\00:18:41.96
and to be
honest there were times
00:18:41.99\00:18:45.28
that I was
relieved about the divorce,
00:18:45.31\00:18:48.52
but there are times even now
00:18:48.55\00:18:50.10
that occasionally I
grieve what could have been.
00:18:50.13\00:18:54.79
And so, even though
00:18:54.82\00:18:57.98
you get over initial
grieving in death situations.
00:18:58.01\00:19:03.43
Bryan, our second oldest son
00:19:03.46\00:19:05.66
who was killed in
an automobile accident
00:19:05.69\00:19:07.62
when he was 25 back in
'91, I still miss Bryan.
00:19:07.65\00:19:12.76
Do I just cry over Bryan? No.
00:19:12.79\00:19:15.16
But I do miss Bryan. Of course.
00:19:15.19\00:19:17.41
You know, and so--
00:19:17.44\00:19:18.81
My question is, if
someone seems to be
00:19:18.84\00:19:22.21
and maybe this and maybe
you can't answer this question.
00:19:22.24\00:19:24.56
But what do you do
if someone seems to be
00:19:24.59\00:19:26.94
pretty much still on
the initial stages of grief
00:19:26.97\00:19:30.59
for a very prolong period.
00:19:30.62\00:19:32.77
If they don't
seem to be advancing
00:19:32.80\00:19:34.53
should we be concerned,
should they seek counseling,
00:19:34.56\00:19:37.40
if they don't seem to let go
00:19:37.43\00:19:43.06
or not necessarily
let go of their grief?
00:19:43.09\00:19:45.54
But move on. Move on.
00:19:45.57\00:19:47.78
Oh, absolutely,
there comes a point
00:19:47.81\00:19:50.40
where they definitely
will need some assistance
00:19:50.43\00:19:53.80
and that assistance
can be to see a counselor.
00:19:53.83\00:19:57.51
In my case for
example, I gave myself the gift
00:19:57.54\00:20:00.67
of being part of a
loss and grief support group
00:20:00.70\00:20:06.18
which was a 12 week group.
00:20:06.21\00:20:08.56
And we went
through a grief and loss
00:20:08.59\00:20:10.96
handbook that
made me really deal
00:20:10.99\00:20:13.70
with these deep
issues and face them.
00:20:13.73\00:20:15.79
And it was painful,
but it was healing for me.
00:20:15.82\00:20:20.03
And maybe if we go over some
of the normal grief reactions,
00:20:20.06\00:20:24.68
it will give some
definitives. Yes, please.
00:20:24.71\00:20:27.43
And because we don't need
to just stay in a broken state
00:20:27.46\00:20:31.50
because we do have hope.
00:20:31.53\00:20:33.82
So there are a lot of physical
reactions that can go on.
00:20:33.85\00:20:37.92
We can go anywhere
00:20:37.95\00:20:39.32
from not being able to
eat to just eating like crazy
00:20:39.35\00:20:42.71
from not being able to
sleep to sleeping all the time,
00:20:42.74\00:20:46.96
from having headaches
00:20:46.99\00:20:48.54
and all kinds of bodily
reactions and responses.
00:20:48.57\00:20:51.94
Tight throats because
our resistance is down
00:20:51.97\00:20:54.89
we become more vulnerable
to diseases and so on.
00:20:54.92\00:20:57.76
We can have muscle aches.
00:20:57.79\00:21:00.34
If for example, we're married
and we've lost our parent
00:21:00.37\00:21:03.88
that we were very close to,
00:21:03.91\00:21:05.28
we could even have
sexual dysfunction.
00:21:05.31\00:21:07.12
We can't get
ourselves into life and living.
00:21:07.15\00:21:11.77
Sometimes there is the emotional
00:21:11.80\00:21:14.91
or even cognitive thoughts of,
00:21:14.94\00:21:17.73
why should I go on and be
happy when this person is gone?
00:21:17.76\00:21:21.54
So there are
these guilty feelings
00:21:21.57\00:21:23.59
that a person can
go through cognitively.
00:21:23.62\00:21:27.99
They can have
feelings emotionally
00:21:28.02\00:21:30.33
of helplessness and hopelessness
00:21:30.36\00:21:31.97
or yearnings or
sadness or shock.
00:21:32.00\00:21:36.78
They may have
concern like I said
00:21:36.81\00:21:41.05
because they are
experiencing any pleasure
00:21:41.08\00:21:43.70
and they try to nip the
pleasure in the bud so to speak.
00:21:43.73\00:21:47.12
Particularly if they are
survivor, isn't that true?
00:21:47.15\00:21:50.07
If there's been an
accident, they've survived.
00:21:50.10\00:21:53.27
As far as their
behavioral skills,
00:21:53.30\00:21:57.09
it may be difficult for them
00:21:57.12\00:21:58.49
to concentrate
at school or at work
00:21:58.52\00:22:00.85
that may affect
their productivity
00:22:00.88\00:22:03.26
or they maybe
overly sensitive to noise
00:22:03.29\00:22:05.55
or overly sensitive
to people around them.
00:22:05.58\00:22:08.03
They may be angry
with people around them
00:22:08.06\00:22:09.84
because people
around them are laughing
00:22:09.87\00:22:11.26
and enjoying life
and life is going on,
00:22:11.29\00:22:13.93
but they haven't
gone on yet with life.
00:22:13.96\00:22:17.19
And how could life go
on when this horrible thing
00:22:17.22\00:22:19.77
has just happened, you know.
00:22:19.80\00:22:21.61
And then
spiritually, they will review
00:22:21.64\00:22:23.92
the meaning of their own life
or even the life of the person
00:22:23.95\00:22:27.59
that they have
lost or are losing
00:22:27.62\00:22:29.79
and the contribution
they go through forgiveness
00:22:29.82\00:22:33.22
or reconciliation
issues, but feel a powerlessness
00:22:33.25\00:22:38.79
or struggle for a connectedness.
00:22:38.82\00:22:42.15
So those are kind of just
briefly and not all inclusive
00:22:42.18\00:22:47.31
of some very normal
grief reaction, Shelly.
00:22:47.34\00:22:50.15
And if these become exaggerated
00:22:50.18\00:22:52.74
for example, you
kind of have to move on.
00:22:52.77\00:22:57.17
And if a person
never wants to get rid
00:22:57.20\00:22:59.32
of the clothing
or of the diseased
00:22:59.35\00:23:03.43
and then they've been
there for a year or so
00:23:03.46\00:23:06.20
and they don't
want to go through
00:23:06.23\00:23:07.60
and they don't want
to let go these things,
00:23:07.63\00:23:09.69
then they need to be encouraged.
00:23:09.72\00:23:12.59
Not ridicule that
they're still grieving,
00:23:12.62\00:23:15.23
but maybe a friend
come along side and say,
00:23:15.26\00:23:18.25
"I know that
you're having difficulty
00:23:18.28\00:23:20.20
cleaning out the closet
00:23:20.23\00:23:22.09
and I know this
is painful for you.
00:23:22.12\00:23:24.60
And I just--I just
want us maybe next week
00:23:24.63\00:23:28.32
I'm going to
come over and help you
00:23:28.35\00:23:29.81
and we can just cry
through this together.
00:23:29.84\00:23:33.28
I just want to be there
to cry with you and help you,
00:23:33.31\00:23:36.76
so that we can help you
get some of these things
00:23:36.79\00:23:39.85
taken care of that will help
you in your healing process."
00:23:39.88\00:23:46.77
Sometimes we
want to rush a person
00:23:46.80\00:23:48.57
through grieving so much.
00:23:48.60\00:23:49.97
It's like after
a couple of months,
00:23:50.00\00:23:52.56
we want them to move on and
that will particularly happen.
00:23:52.59\00:23:57.35
For example, for the
woman that's had a miscarriage.
00:23:57.38\00:24:00.23
Yes. And maybe she is
really grieving this miscarriage
00:24:00.26\00:24:06.21
and people want
her to forget it.
00:24:06.24\00:24:07.91
You know, it's
just a miscarriage.
00:24:07.94\00:24:09.62
You were only a
few months pregnant.
00:24:09.65\00:24:11.35
And yet this woman
can't let go of that.
00:24:11.38\00:24:13.84
Maybe they wanted a
child for a long time
00:24:13.87\00:24:16.14
and there was a lot of hope here
00:24:16.17\00:24:18.13
and no one
understands that grief.
00:24:18.16\00:24:21.92
You know, that's true
even for a woman who--
00:24:21.95\00:24:24.31
and I'm speaking
from personal experience,
00:24:24.34\00:24:26.31
who really want a children
00:24:26.34\00:24:28.40
and then weren't
able to have children,
00:24:28.43\00:24:31.63
maybe facing hysterectomy
00:24:31.66\00:24:33.31
before there is
a grieving process
00:24:33.34\00:24:35.97
that you go through just
from that loss of opportunity.
00:24:36.00\00:24:40.71
Well, we live in such a
push button society, Shelly,
00:24:40.74\00:24:44.55
that people want
us to snap out of it.
00:24:44.58\00:24:46.75
Okay, it's time to move
on, time to get through this.
00:24:46.78\00:24:48.70
Okay, time to look
up, time to, you know.
00:24:48.73\00:24:51.25
And we all grieve differently
00:24:51.28\00:24:53.24
and we all take
different periods of time.
00:24:53.27\00:24:55.10
And just like I
said, we bounced around
00:24:55.13\00:24:57.44
from one stage to another.
00:24:57.47\00:24:59.18
And it's not
something that we can rush,
00:24:59.21\00:25:01.13
but it is something
that we shouldn't swallow
00:25:01.16\00:25:04.66
and hide and
pretend it's not there.
00:25:04.69\00:25:06.93
And if we swallow it,
again speaking from experience,
00:25:06.96\00:25:09.68
it will surface and
it will come over you
00:25:09.71\00:25:11.70
like a tidal wave, you know.
00:25:11.73\00:25:13.62
We only have a
couple of minutes left.
00:25:13.65\00:25:15.79
Let's give some hope
to those who are grieving.
00:25:15.82\00:25:18.80
What can we do to improve
00:25:18.83\00:25:24.41
the attitudes of our mind?
00:25:24.44\00:25:28.13
In working through grief,
it helps to share our grief.
00:25:28.16\00:25:33.31
Again, I'm gonna go
back to that journaling
00:25:33.34\00:25:35.03
that I've talked about before,
00:25:35.06\00:25:36.43
because it really
helps to journal our feelings
00:25:36.46\00:25:40.70
and to identify
a support system,
00:25:40.73\00:25:43.67
that to have
people that we can turn to
00:25:43.70\00:25:45.51
when we're
having a difficult time
00:25:45.54\00:25:47.58
that will help
us and distract us
00:25:47.61\00:25:50.79
and look out for our needs,
00:25:50.82\00:25:54.18
and to get ourselves involved
in new things in our lives.
00:25:54.21\00:25:58.03
Reach out in different ways,
00:25:58.06\00:25:59.57
get involved in
new opportunities,
00:25:59.60\00:26:01.42
exercise, get
involved in hobbies
00:26:01.45\00:26:05.17
or get involved
in church activities.
00:26:05.20\00:26:08.38
Be able to identify when
the bad times are for you
00:26:08.41\00:26:12.39
and stay away from those.
00:26:12.42\00:26:14.35
Do something
else during that time
00:26:14.38\00:26:16.70
and give yourself permission
to change your routine
00:26:16.73\00:26:19.43
and do things differently
than you've done before.
00:26:19.46\00:26:22.90
You know, sometimes
if we are so overwhelmed,
00:26:22.93\00:26:27.47
it helps to sit down
and just write a letter
00:26:27.50\00:26:30.46
to the person that died.
00:26:30.49\00:26:32.60
And in that letter, talk about
00:26:32.63\00:26:34.38
all of what our
hopes and dreams were
00:26:34.41\00:26:35.94
that we're not gonna
get fulfilled anymore
00:26:35.97\00:26:37.63
and how we feel about the fact
00:26:37.66\00:26:39.03
that they died on us
and that we're without them.
00:26:39.06\00:26:42.32
And that can be
extremely therapeutic.
00:26:42.35\00:26:45.97
You know, I'm
thinking about all the process
00:26:46.00\00:26:48.39
that the person goes through,
00:26:48.42\00:26:49.79
all the fears that they face
00:26:49.82\00:26:52.76
and all the grieving
again of lost dreams.
00:26:52.79\00:26:56.14
And, Shelly, it takes
me back to that scripture
00:26:56.17\00:26:59.74
where God says,
"I am with you always
00:26:59.77\00:27:04.00
even unto the end of the world."
00:27:04.03\00:27:06.29
And that no matter how we feel.
00:27:06.32\00:27:11.04
Well, when we cry,
Jesus tastes salt. Amen.
00:27:11.07\00:27:16.44
Tears are our
language that God understands.
00:27:16.47\00:27:19.37
Derry, thank you so
much for being with us again
00:27:19.40\00:27:21.91
and for sharing
from your experiences,
00:27:21.94\00:27:24.59
and I believe
that you've brought
00:27:24.62\00:27:26.14
some hope to people today.
00:27:26.17\00:27:28.19
You know, if you are
going through grieving,
00:27:28.22\00:27:30.74
I just want to encourage you
to call our pastoral department
00:27:30.77\00:27:34.06
if you don't have
anyone else to talk to.
00:27:34.09\00:27:35.93
You can call 3ABN's
pastoral department,
00:27:35.96\00:27:38.71
speak with one of
our prayer partners
00:27:38.74\00:27:40.81
and they'll be
happy to pray with you.
00:27:40.84\00:27:43.35
And I do hope that
you will look to God.
00:27:43.38\00:27:45.72
He is the lifter of your head.
00:27:45.75\00:27:47.75
May the grace of
our Lord Jesus Christ,
00:27:47.78\00:27:49.76
the love of the Father and
fellowship of the Holy Spirit
00:27:49.79\00:27:53.13
be with you always.
00:27:53.16\00:27:54.76