Hello, I'm Shelley
Quinn and welcome again to
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Issues and Answers.
Today we're going to be talking
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about, I guess, sort of a
sensitive topic but yet it's
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something that we will
all face in our lifetime.
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You know they say that
there are two things that are
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certain in
life, death and taxes.
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Well for certain in all
countries everyone faces
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death at some point in their
life. That is what our program
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is about today. Facing
death, dealing with the process.
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You know, the psalmist in
the 23rd Psalm, the one that
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is so famous, The
Lord is my Shepherd
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I shall not want.
He said in verse 4:
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Yea, though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of
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death I will fear no
evil for thy rod and thy staff
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they comfort me. We're
going to be talking with
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someone today who has a
lot of experience in dealing
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with the death process,
helping families go through the
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death process. It is my
great joy to welcome Derry James
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back to our program. Derry
has a doctorate in ministry
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and she is also a
board certified chaplain.
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Derry, you're working
as a chaplain even now at a
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hospital aren't you? That's
true. And that's in what city?
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Grass Valley, California,
and I do some supplemental work
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in Sacramento at a metropolitan
hospital there as well.
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I'm so glad that you've
come back. We've been talking
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with you over the last few
weeks about several different
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topics but today we
thought we would draw on your
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expertise, your experience,
in facing the death process
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so that we might encourage
people at home who I know
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that you have told me
that many times when people are
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facing death whether it be
the individual or the family
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member who has someone going
through this that there are
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a lot of spiritual
questions that come up. What are
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some of the most common ones?
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When we are reviewing our
life, Shelley, we wonder whether
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our life was worth it
and we sometimes wonder if
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we've made a
contribution to those around us.
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We're looking at two
different sides of this really.
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I'm talking now from the
patient's perspective and
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some of the
questions that they go through.
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Probably one of the first
questions that comes to almost
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any person when they find
out that they are in process of
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dying or they have a
life- threatening disease is
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Oh God, why me?
Why this? Why now?
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Or what did I
do to deserve this?
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or is this a
punishment? or have you
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withdrawn yourself from me
God? Or if there's a God why
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would he allow this to happen?
All these different questions
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start coming to a person's
mind until they are just
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agonizing sometimes
about those. Especially if they
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have guilt in their
life and unconfessed sins,
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things that they
haven't taken care of.
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Then they agonize
with that even more.
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To me I think the
most difficult thing
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to go through, and
see if this has been your
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experience, is if
you're working with a family
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who has a young
child who is facing death.
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I would imagine that as
a mother or a father it's
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so unnatural for your
child to go before you that
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that must be one of the
most difficult times in anyone's
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life. It is. Of course it is.
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And to see your child
suffer is a horrible thing.
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You know we feel all that
and we have this child and
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we have expectations of
their life and we think of all
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these things in the
future that they are not going
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to be able to do or
participate in and our heart
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is wrenched as well as we
think of a child that is going
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through a death process.
I'd like to turn that around
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though as well, Shelley.
When an adult, when a parent
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is going through a dying
process sometimes the child
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is left out of that process.
We are so focused maybe on
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helping one another as
adults that we forget the
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suffering of the child.
The child that is old enough to
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love is old enough to
grieve and old enough to walk
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through this and they
are hurting as well with the
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whole situation. So as
you work through first the
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cognition that we are
about to face death whether that
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"about to face" in a
terminal disease is a month or a
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year but as you begin
that process you also begin the
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grieving process. You
begin to wonder whether or not
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God has abandoned you
and you wonder how this is
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going to be going for you
over this next period of time.
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Those are spiritual
issues that your heart begins to
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struggle with. Where are
you God? Why are you letting
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this happen to me?
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You know what you said
just really grabbed me when
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you said that if a child
is old enough to love they are
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old enough to grieve. How
do you explain the meaning
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of death to a
child, a young child?
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That's a very difficult thing
because you certainly don't
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want to use the wrong
terminology. You don't want
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to say things like...
Well let me put it this way.
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I need to back up because
of course as a chaplain I
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represent multiple faiths
and some faiths believe that
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when you die you
immediately go to heaven.
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In those faith
groups, the tendency or the
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temptation to say to a child
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is well God wants Uncle
Jim, or the angels need them.
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Or if the child is ill,
Jesus needs another angel in
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heaven. God's taking her
because they are so good,
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which sets a child up for
well if God's going to take me
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I'm going to be bad and
then you have behavioral
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habits that begin forming
and the child lives in fear
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that if they are a good
person they are going to die.
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Or if they think that God
is taking their mother because
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he just needed someone
else up there in heaven to be
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with him. They could be thinking
God's a very selfish person
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when he's got all these people
and I've only got one mama.
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Or, another thing that happens
to children is, you know how
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we discipline our children and
sometimes the children will get
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very angry and the little
thoughts will go through their
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head, oh I hate you, or oh I
wish you were dead and suddenly
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they think that maybe their
wish is being fulfilled and it's
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their fault that their parent
is dying. So those are all
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difficult things that need
to be addressed with children.
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But I'd like to get back
into some other issues, Shelley,
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because there's so much
to cover with this subject.
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There are so many questions
that an individual goes
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through as they face death
and that families go through.
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Sometimes family members
can think God is punishing me
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because this other family
member is dying. Or if I had
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just been a better husband,
if I'd just been a better
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wife God wouldn't be
taking this person from me.
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So there are all kinds of
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reactions of guilt or shame or
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self-conflict that go on
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as they are walking through
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this whole idea of death.
Then you have the whole process
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of death itself and what is
this journey going to be like?
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What do I have to
endure and how much pain will I
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have to bear and will I
be able to live through this?
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People that maybe
haven't had a good relationship
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have the social emotional
questions in their mind of
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will my family be glad
I'm gone? Will they even
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miss me? Do I have time to
make it up to them? Do I have
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time to leave them with a
good memory? Or you have the
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family members that
get angry with the patient
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because they're sick. Like
how could you do this to me?
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How could you abandon
me? How could you leave me?
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How dare you die. How can
I survive alone? How can I
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run the house, how can I
take care... how can I pay
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all the bills? How can
I? How can I? How can I?
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I think of a friend
whose husband has throat
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cancer who smokes and
he continued to smoke even
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after his throat cancer.
Do you especially see that
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in people who feel that
the one who is dying has done
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something to bring on
their own death. Maybe they
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were a motorcycle rider
and the wife is thinking
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I asked you not to get
that motor cycle because
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I knew this was going
to happen. Do you see that
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more when people
are putting the blame on
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someone because the
person who's dying has
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actually either
contributed to their death by
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smoking or unhealthy
habits or of recklessness?
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Oh, absolutely. The
thing that that does instead of
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leaving the survivor
with loving memories, it
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leaves them sometime
with bitterness and resentment
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that is very, very
hard for people to overcome
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particularly if they
don't know Jesus. I don't
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want to get off the
track here but you bring up
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motorcycle riders. I'll
tell you, Shelley, you just
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cannot imagine the
horrible deaths that we
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witness all the
time because of people on
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motorcycles. That has
got to be a devil's tool.
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Sorry but it's just
horrible, horrible deaths,
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suffering and disabilities
from that; just horrible.
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I think, Shelley,
that probably we need
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to help our listening
audience, our viewers,
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know how they can
help walk along side of a
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person that is
going through the dying
00:11:01.98\00:11:06.01
process, because
sometimes when we find out
00:11:06.05\00:11:08.06
that someone is dying
or facing death it's a
00:11:08.10\00:11:10.08
little
uncomfortable to be around them.
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We don't always
know what to do. We don't
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know how to help. We
may think well I'll bring
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them a meal or I'll
assist them that way and
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that's all very
important but we don't like to
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talk about it. We
pretend it's not there. I think
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it's important for us
to be able to know that
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it's all right to be
open about it. In fact, it
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frees the family.
Instead of living in this little
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capsulation of pretense,
this little bubble that
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we can't go there, we
can't talk about it, it
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actually frees them
to be able to discuss it
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openly and acknowledge
where they are in the
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process and what
their legitimate needs are.
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So the best thing
a person can do is to
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absolutely be
themselves with these people.
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Let me ask you a
question. What is coming to
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my mind is I'm a very
direct person. The Lord
00:12:02.91\00:12:07.26
generally graces me
with tact but I was thinking
00:12:07.29\00:12:11.60
of two instances. One
was an elderly woman at
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our church that we
knew she was dying and I
00:12:16.05\00:12:19.61
would talk with her
very openly about it and
00:12:19.65\00:12:22.51
she enjoyed that
because she said most people
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keep trying to deny
my death. But then on the
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other hand with
my mother-in-law my
00:12:29.83\00:12:34.20
sister-in-law
couldn't accept the fact that
00:12:34.23\00:12:37.46
she was dying so to
try to discuss is openly in
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the family was met
with a lot of resistance.
00:12:41.31\00:12:45.77
How do you know
when to be open and when
00:12:45.81\00:12:50.89
to back off? It
takes a lot of discernment.
00:12:50.93\00:12:55.97
It takes a lot of wisdom.
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Does it take some
testing of the waters to know
00:12:57.42\00:13:00.28
when to put your toe
in the water and bring it
00:13:00.31\00:13:03.14
back. Well it does that,
00:13:03.17\00:13:05.26
But, Shelley, I'm
back to my favorite subject
00:13:05.30\00:13:08.81
as you know. If
you're walking with God and
00:13:08.85\00:13:11.72
you're totally
dependent upon him and you ask
00:13:11.75\00:13:14.56
God to speak through
you and work through you,
00:13:14.59\00:13:17.38
God's going to tell you
when to be quiet and when
00:13:17.42\00:13:20.18
to speak. That really
is a prayer of mine often
00:13:20.21\00:13:23.22
is Lord help me know
when to speak and when
00:13:23.26\00:13:26.59
to be silent. Would
it be fair to say to
00:13:26.63\00:13:29.89
someone who's
watching who may be facing this
00:13:29.93\00:13:32.59
process themself that
it would be liberating to
00:13:32.62\00:13:35.25
them if they're not
bothered by speaking
00:13:35.28\00:13:38.56
about it, it would be
liberating to others if
00:13:38.60\00:13:41.45
the one who's dying
would actually say it's
00:13:41.49\00:13:44.30
okay if we talk about this?
00:13:44.34\00:13:45.88
Very good point, very
good point. Because in
00:13:45.91\00:13:49.49
doing so you will
help a person not only be
00:13:49.52\00:13:52.70
themselves around you
but be able to show you
00:13:52.74\00:13:55.85
their own human kindnesses.
They'll be able to give
00:13:55.88\00:14:00.66
you the opportunity to
speak about it and help
00:14:00.69\00:14:04.72
them understand
exactly where you are with it.
00:14:04.76\00:14:08.72
Is it okay ever, I think
I know the answer to this,
00:14:08.76\00:14:13.50
but I'm just going to
pose the question, in your
00:14:13.54\00:14:17.85
opinion is it okay to
be humorous around someone
00:14:17.88\00:14:22.21
who is dying?
Absolutely. See that would be my
00:14:22.25\00:14:26.63
answer. Yes absolutely.
But again it's testing the
00:14:26.67\00:14:31.02
water and there's a time
and place for everything.
00:14:31.05\00:14:34.78
Obviously if the person
is not open to that at the
00:14:34.81\00:14:38.50
moment that's not a
place you want to go.
00:14:38.53\00:14:40.78
But you don't have
to be all morbid and all
00:14:40.82\00:14:43.00
serious. They still are
alive, they're still living.
00:14:43.03\00:14:46.62
Some of the greatest
things you can do with
00:14:46.65\00:14:49.41
that person is affirm
them. That can be reviewing
00:14:49.44\00:14:52.61
the memories with
them, some of the fun times
00:14:52.65\00:14:55.60
and affirming them how
they have made a mark on
00:14:55.64\00:14:58.56
your life and going so
far as to let them know how
00:14:58.59\00:15:02.42
and why you're going
to miss them. It's okay if
00:15:02.46\00:15:06.09
you cry. You know tears
are a language everybody
00:15:06.12\00:15:09.56
understands. It's nice
to know that you're loved
00:15:09.59\00:15:12.96
that much and that you
will be missed. If everybody
00:15:13.00\00:15:16.33
tries to put on this
false face of buoying you up all
00:15:16.36\00:15:18.31
the time you're going to
think I wonder if anybody
00:15:18.34\00:15:21.00
is going to miss me. So
to let a person know that
00:15:21.03\00:15:23.28
you love them so much
and that there's going to
00:15:23.31\00:15:26.13
be a void in your
life once they're gone is
00:15:26.17\00:15:28.92
critical to tell them.
Another critical thing to do
00:15:28.95\00:15:32.13
of course, and I think
we've talked about this before
00:15:32.16\00:15:35.95
but that reconciliation
peace, if things are not okay
00:15:35.99\00:15:39.74
between you this is a
time to make sure and get
00:15:39.78\00:15:42.80
everything straight; to
not only ask for forgiveness
00:15:42.83\00:15:46.10
but to offer forgiveness
so that the person that is
00:15:46.13\00:15:49.32
going through the
death process can have peace
00:15:49.36\00:15:52.47
of mind and heart and that
the person left living does
00:15:52.51\00:15:56.55
not have regrets that
they harbored grudges or
00:15:56.59\00:16:00.26
problems. You know,
when my mother-in-law
00:16:00.29\00:16:03.93
who I was very close
with, she was a precious
00:16:03.96\00:16:07.45
saintly woman, and she had
00:16:07.49\00:16:11.45
told me, oh I don't
know, some years before
00:16:11.46\00:16:14.97
that one of her dreams
was that before she died she
00:16:15.01\00:16:19.03
wanted to crush rose
petals on her bed and sleep on
00:16:19.07\00:16:24.11
rose petals. So when I
knew that she was facing her
00:16:24.15\00:16:29.16
last days, I ordered
her four dozen roses.
00:16:29.20\00:16:32.08
So when they came to the
house I told her let's crush
00:16:32.11\00:16:36.78
these petals and do this.
You know, I think sometimes
00:16:36.82\00:16:41.45
my personal opinion is
sometimes we wait to express
00:16:41.49\00:16:46.07
our love in demonstrative
ways till after the death
00:16:46.11\00:16:50.11
and it's something that
I believe that if you can
00:16:50.14\00:16:54.11
fulfill some small
dream of someone to give
00:16:54.14\00:16:57.74
something. Send them
flowers before the funeral.
00:16:57.77\00:17:00.84
Absolutely. You know I
was thinking it would be great
00:17:00.88\00:17:03.91
to have a memorial service
for everybody before they
00:17:03.94\00:17:06.43
die then you would know
what people thought of you.
00:17:06.47\00:17:08.73
It would either affirm
you or give you a chance to
00:17:08.76\00:17:10.98
change their opinion
before your last breath.
00:17:11.02\00:17:13.45
I'd talk a minute, Shelley,
while we have a little time
00:17:13.49\00:17:18.68
left about the person
that is actually dying and the
00:17:18.71\00:17:23.80
grieving process they go
through, not only for their
00:17:23.83\00:17:27.85
own life but for the
things they're going to miss in
00:17:27.88\00:17:32.88
the life of those
they love. I'm a Grandma
00:17:32.92\00:17:36.88
and I would grieve the
fact that I didn't see my
00:17:36.91\00:17:40.96
grandsons grow up and
get to graduate or that I
00:17:41.00\00:17:44.39
would be able to witness
their wedding, those kind
00:17:44.43\00:17:47.76
of things. So I would like
to offer as an incentive to
00:17:47.79\00:17:52.62
our people that may be
facing death or to just tuck
00:17:52.65\00:17:57.05
in the back of their
minds that if that ever happens
00:17:57.08\00:18:00.77
or you're in a position
where that is going on with
00:18:00.81\00:18:04.47
you or any number of
other circumstances where
00:18:04.50\00:18:07.41
you wish you could be
part of that you might either
00:18:07.44\00:18:11.20
write a letter yourself
or dictate a letter that
00:18:11.23\00:18:14.44
could be read at your
grandchild's graduation for
00:18:14.48\00:18:17.75
example from grandma. I
wish I was there but I am
00:18:17.78\00:18:21.17
proud of you that you
made it or I wish I could see
00:18:21.20\00:18:25.70
you in your wedding
dress. But this love gift that
00:18:25.74\00:18:29.31
says I'm thinking of
you and I wish I were there.
00:18:29.34\00:18:32.78
Then offer even your
blessing, maybe a prayer of
00:18:32.82\00:18:36.94
blessing in the letter.
That's kind of an assignment
00:18:36.97\00:18:40.75
that I will give to some
of our patients that are in
00:18:40.78\00:18:45.23
maybe the last month or
the final weeks of dying.
00:18:45.26\00:18:49.81
It helps them get a
little bit out of themselves and
00:18:49.85\00:18:54.36
it helps them do something
productive and it also is
00:18:54.40\00:18:57.91
a rich gift for the family too.
00:18:57.95\00:19:01.97
It would be releasing
that painful emotion in you
00:19:02.00\00:19:05.07
but what a wonderful
love gift to the family.
00:19:05.10\00:19:08.85
Yes absolutely. Then
the other thing that comes
00:19:08.89\00:19:12.55
to my mind right now as
we are talking is that we
00:19:12.59\00:19:15.98
have people in the hospital
that have been struggling
00:19:16.01\00:19:19.69
with their relationship
with God or maybe they left
00:19:19.72\00:19:23.65
a church years ago and
they didn't reconcile the
00:19:23.69\00:19:26.94
differences or problems
that they had and they have
00:19:26.98\00:19:30.19
been angry at the
church. Maybe they've never
00:19:30.23\00:19:32.96
chosen to follow God
but suddenly here they are
00:19:33.00\00:19:36.54
and they're at the
very door of death and they
00:19:36.57\00:19:39.89
think where am I going
from here? Suddenly that
00:19:39.92\00:19:43.20
becomes an
important question to them.
00:19:43.24\00:19:44.90
In all of those cases,
and probably others, that
00:19:44.93\00:19:47.84
you may be thinking of
or that could come to mind,
00:19:47.88\00:19:50.76
the main question
underlying all of that is
00:19:50.79\00:19:54.57
can I accept Jesus
Christ right now and how dare
00:19:54.60\00:19:58.23
I accept Jesus Christ
with my last breath when I
00:19:58.26\00:20:02.22
didn't live for him? I
just want to affirm and
00:20:02.26\00:20:06.03
acknowledge the fact
that Jesus dies for us and
00:20:06.06\00:20:09.16
that yes it would have
been a good thing if we
00:20:09.20\00:20:11.73
had given our whole
life to God and allowed him
00:20:11.77\00:20:15.29
to use us and bless us
but if we did not, if we've
00:20:15.33\00:20:18.82
blown our whole life
and we're up to the end, if
00:20:18.85\00:20:21.37
we truly are reaching
out and we want Jesus,
00:20:21.41\00:20:24.46
Jesus would rather have
that deathbed confession
00:20:24.49\00:20:27.46
of faith so that we
can spend eternity with him
00:20:27.49\00:20:30.60
that to lose us.
Thief on the cross. Exactly.
00:20:30.63\00:20:34.98
People are
sometimes reluctant to do that
00:20:35.02\00:20:39.29
even though they may
want to because they don't
00:20:39.33\00:20:41.19
feel like they deserve
the gift of eternal life or
00:20:41.23\00:20:44.31
because they feel like
they shouldn't ask at this
00:20:44.35\00:20:48.45
late date. I just want
to reassure everyone that
00:20:48.48\00:20:52.67
Jesus love is so great
and so all-encompassing that
00:20:52.70\00:20:56.49
he would rather have that
than not have them at all.
00:20:56.53\00:21:00.28
As a friend, I've had to
support a number of friends
00:21:00.32\00:21:04.36
who've lost a spouse or
a child or maybe a mother
00:21:04.40\00:21:08.15
or a father. What are
some of the best things that
00:21:08.19\00:21:12.73
we can do as friends
when we have people within
00:21:12.77\00:21:16.44
our church or others
who are going through this?
00:21:16.48\00:21:19.33
They are experiencing
a death in the family or
00:21:19.36\00:21:22.09
perhaps even they
are... Are there certain
00:21:22.13\00:21:24.78
rituals that we can do
to help support somebody
00:21:24.82\00:21:28.33
that's facing this?
Well as far as a ritual goes
00:21:28.37\00:21:32.48
the actual person that
is dying in many traditions
00:21:32.51\00:21:36.03
or most traditions
that dying person wants some
00:21:36.06\00:21:39.59
kind of an anointing
prayer. That would be a
00:21:39.63\00:21:42.67
ritual or maybe a
communion Eucharistic service
00:21:42.71\00:21:46.29
where they have the
communion cup and bread,
00:21:46.32\00:21:49.50
those kind of things.
Those would be the more
00:21:49.54\00:21:53.75
spiritual symbolisms
and rituals. As far as us
00:21:53.79\00:21:57.08
coming along side and
supporting them, I think
00:21:57.11\00:21:59.82
the best thing we can
do is let them know, I'm
00:21:59.85\00:22:02.49
here for you. I just
want to be your 24-hour friend
00:22:02.53\00:22:05.89
for right now and if
you need me, if you need to
00:22:05.93\00:22:09.71
call and cry, if you
need to scream, whatever you
00:22:09.75\00:22:12.94
need, I just want to be
here for you. I want to be
00:22:12.98\00:22:16.21
your sounding board. I
want to support you through
00:22:16.24\00:22:19.01
this. I want you to
know I'll be upholding you in
00:22:19.04\00:22:22.20
prayer. I'll be along
side for you. For the whole
00:22:22.23\00:22:25.27
family, one of the
richest gifts we can give them
00:22:25.31\00:22:28.06
besides having prayer
with them and letting them
00:22:28.10\00:22:30.86
know they're not being
forgotten is that memory
00:22:30.90\00:22:34.65
review that we've
already talked about. For our
00:22:34.68\00:22:37.86
families before we get
to that point, and this is
00:22:37.89\00:22:41.03
a subject nobody
really likes to talk about,
00:22:41.07\00:22:43.44
thankfully we're a
little more open about it now
00:22:43.47\00:22:46.52
in our culture but one
of the greatest gifts we
00:22:46.56\00:22:49.14
can give our families
is to have open discussions
00:22:49.17\00:22:52.52
about this even before
we're facing death where
00:22:52.55\00:22:56.92
we come to an agreement
on advanced care planning
00:22:56.95\00:23:01.28
and we share our wills
and wishes about memorial
00:23:01.32\00:23:05.60
service, funerals,
cremation, how we want to be
00:23:05.64\00:23:09.64
dealt with after our
death, but we have this openly
00:23:09.68\00:23:13.64
so we come to a joint
understanding. Some of
00:23:13.68\00:23:17.15
the most painful things
that we go through at the
00:23:17.18\00:23:19.92
hospital is when
there has been no previous
00:23:19.95\00:23:22.74
discussion. For
example, we have people on life
00:23:22.78\00:23:25.71
support and family
members have to make those
00:23:25.75\00:23:28.66
tough decisions
whether of not to leave them on
00:23:28.69\00:23:31.54
life support or remove
that life support, particularly
00:23:31.57\00:23:34.88
when there are questions
of brain damage and so on.
00:23:34.92\00:23:38.19
Because it's never
been talked about they don't
00:23:38.22\00:23:41.57
know what the
patient would really want.
00:23:41.61\00:23:43.63
Sometimes you get
feuding within the family or
00:23:43.67\00:23:47.15
sometimes you have
one person say you decide,
00:23:47.18\00:23:49.86
you decide and so all
the decisions are on that
00:23:49.89\00:23:54.10
person. Shelley, they
have so much then to bear
00:23:54.14\00:23:58.52
the rest of their life.
Sometimes guilt, questions,
00:23:58.56\00:24:01.67
if I hadn't made that
decision, if I'd gone the other
00:24:01.71\00:24:04.79
way what would have
happened? But if people
00:24:04.82\00:24:08.12
will take the time to do
advance care planning and
00:24:08.15\00:24:11.61
talk to their families
and be in agreement, then
00:24:11.64\00:24:15.06
none of the fighting
happens in the family,
00:24:15.10\00:24:17.64
there's no
confusion, there's no question.
00:24:17.67\00:24:20.14
It's simple a matter
of this is what mom wanted
00:24:20.17\00:24:23.63
and whether we want it
or not we need to abide
00:24:23.66\00:24:27.05
by mom's desires. This
was her life and this is how
00:24:27.08\00:24:31.11
she wanted her life to end.
00:24:31.15\00:24:32.59
You know, I just want
to pitch this idea in here
00:24:32.62\00:24:37.06
as well. It's that I
try to teach when I go out
00:24:37.10\00:24:40.53
and talk to groups and
something similar to this
00:24:40.57\00:24:43.86
comes up, I try to
teach everyone that if you're
00:24:43.90\00:24:47.15
over the age of 18
you should have a will.
00:24:47.19\00:24:50.24
If you have a child,
you should have a will.
00:24:50.28\00:24:53.29
People think that
they don't need a will when
00:24:53.33\00:24:56.56
they're young, but we
don't know what's going to
00:24:56.60\00:24:59.97
happen. Even if you're
18 years old and you have
00:25:00.01\00:25:02.84
nothing in the bank,
you may have an insurance
00:25:02.88\00:25:06.02
policy on your life and
without a will, I've been
00:25:06.06\00:25:09.17
through so much
counseling where I've been
00:25:09.21\00:25:12.77
counseling people who
have had a parent or someone
00:25:12.81\00:25:17.58
die without a will and
there's a terrible division in
00:25:17.62\00:25:22.35
the family afterwards.
I've seen close families
00:25:22.39\00:25:25.42
be torn apart over
those type of things or when
00:25:25.46\00:25:28.61
they don't know where a
child is going to be left.
00:25:28.64\00:25:33.56
Shelley, you asked a
minute ago how we can
00:25:33.60\00:25:37.32
come along side of the family.
I just would like to read
00:25:37.36\00:25:41.01
this poem because I think
it's kind of all-encompassing.
00:25:41.05\00:25:44.41
It says: You think you
understand. Don't tell me that
00:25:44.44\00:25:47.90
you understand. Don't
tell me that you know, don't
00:25:47.94\00:25:51.38
tell me that I will
survive, how I will surely grow.
00:25:51.42\00:25:54.38
Don't tell me that this
is just a test, that I am
00:25:54.42\00:25:57.93
truly blessed, that I am
chosen for this task apart
00:25:57.96\00:26:01.26
from all the rest.
Don't come to me with answers
00:26:01.30\00:26:04.78
that can only come from
me. Don't tell me how my
00:26:04.81\00:26:08.79
grief will pass, that I
will soon be free. Don't
00:26:08.83\00:26:12.39
stand in pious judgment
of the bonds I must untie.
00:26:12.42\00:26:15.98
Don't tell me how to
suffer, and don't tell me how to
00:26:16.01\00:26:19.80
cry. My life is filled
with selfishness. My pain is all
00:26:19.84\00:26:23.59
I see, but I need
you, I need your love
00:26:23.63\00:26:26.88
unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs.
00:26:26.91\00:26:31.65
I need someone to
share. Just hold my hand and
00:26:31.69\00:26:36.39
let me cry and
say My friend, I care.
00:26:36.43\00:26:41.15
How true. And God
says in scripture that
00:26:41.18\00:26:45.83
God will be our guide
even unto death. If we turn
00:26:45.87\00:26:50.70
to Revelation 2:10, Shelley,
it says: Be faithful unto
00:26:50.74\00:26:55.40
death and I will give
you the crown of life.
00:26:55.43\00:26:58.80
Amen. And he says in
Isaiah 57:1-2: The righteous
00:26:58.83\00:27:03.12
man perishes and no one
lays it to heart. Merciful
00:27:03.16\00:27:07.13
and devout men are taken
away with no one considering
00:27:07.17\00:27:11.10
that the uncompromisingly
upright and godly person
00:27:11.14\00:27:15.04
is taken away from the
calamity and evil to come.
00:27:15.08\00:27:18.30
He in death enters into
peace, they rest in their
00:27:18.31\00:27:21.93
beds; each one who walks
straight and upright in his
00:27:21.94\00:27:26.65
uprightness. I believe
that many times we don't
00:27:26.66\00:27:28.65
understand why God
doesn't answer our prayer. He
00:27:28.66\00:27:31.65
has our eternal benefit
in mind. So God knows the
00:27:31.66\00:27:34.62
end from the beginning.
Derry, thank you so much
00:27:34.63\00:27:37.36
for being here today.
Our time is all gone again.
00:27:37.37\00:27:40.56
I just want to thank you
for joining us and I pray
00:27:40.57\00:27:44.00
that the grace of our
Lord Jesus Christ, the love of
00:27:44.01\00:27:47.54
the Father and the
fellowship of the Holy Spirit
00:27:47.55\00:27:50.04
will be with you
today and unto death.
00:27:50.05\00:27:53.91
Join us again next time.
00:27:53.92\00:27:56.99